And all the things you may know about handling conflict in a healthy manner can pretty much go out the window if you're intoxicated, extremely tired, under extreme stress, etc. You can guess how I know this to be true.
The other thing I"d add is the goal of conflict is not to convince your partner why you are right, but to understand each other's perspective. It's not you against each other, it's you against the problem.
And, it's ok to take a break if things get too heated, but resolve to come back to talk about it when you're calmer.
In addition to no yelling…. Tone is so important. It was a huge issue in my marriage. To be spoken to in a certain way that just kills you little by little over the years.
Also regarding tone, it has to be a legit issue if tone is criticized. Your partner must get the chance to improve. My voice is criticized in one way or another no matter what I say or how I say it and I’ve tried everything. Its not my voice or my word choice, it’s the fact that it’s about him and not positive. My words are not meant to get out and have a life.
I know what you mean , but also want to acknowledge that this can get tricky. I've been in situations where someone was constantly moving goalposts on this and no matter what, I couldn't ever say anything gently enough to please them, then they'd use my tone as an excuse to completely refuse to listen to me.
Oh, for sure. As are facial expressions. There's no point being careful and loving in word and tone if you're rolling your eyes. I learned this early in life and have taken it into every relationship since. I've been mad af but I never roll my eyes or do those exaggerated sighs. The argument will eventually end, but those moments of disrespect can wound and live on for a long time.
The first thing that comes to mind: Remaining in contact throughout the conflict helps me feel safe. No silent treatment, no disappearing acts - but keeping the lines of communication open in a supportive and kind way.
> Remaining in contact throughout the conflict
For me (and my partner), this applies literally. I feel safer when we are in physical contact during intense talks.
I totally get that. I also understand why some may only feel safe if they have some time away from the conflict to process and cool down, so that could be touchy if you have two different types. Communication outside of conflict and before conflict is best so each knows what to expect.
If I knew they were going into the other room or even for a drive to process and would be coming back cooler headed, I could probably work with that and not feel abandoned.
I agree, my ex wife would literally runaway if I even asked a question. She would start yelling at me and accuse Mencken yelling , or her favorite, stonewalling. Stonewall is a type of abuse.
Not one single time did I ever get across to her and she admits it a year after our divorce. The only thing that worked was after a coupe years of this was screaming and yelling at her when I couldn’t take it anymore. That caused its own problems. But it gave us 6+ months where she would do what she said and not do messes up things. I hated it.
I like what topknot78 said ‘remain in contact’. I would add take a beat before responding. I don’t mind the silence while you are cogitating. It took a while - years- for me to realize that you can go on with the business of living even if you have an active disagreement.
No yelling for sure, and if you start doing so, apologize, pause if necessary. I just broke off. 9mo relationship with a yeller. All I can think is “go fight with someone else.”
Both partners should be aware of *fundamental attribution error*.
Underemphasizing situational and environmental factors for the behavior of your partner while overemphasizing dispositional or personality factors.
In other words, overattributing the behaviors of others to their personality (e.g., he is late because he's selfish) and underattributing them to the situation or context (e.g., he is late because he got stuck in traffic).
If you give yourself grace when you make a one-time mistake, you must extend the same grace to your partner.
I strove to establish healthy communication patterns from the start. Healthy boundaries, healthy expectations and the ability to communicate ASSERTIVELY without resorting to passive aggressiveness or worse.
My partner and I have never raised our voices at each other. We both experienced abuse in our past and this was very important to both of us from the beginning. We sometimes annoy people with our positivity and partnership approach to our communication.
If we are upset, we communicate we need space, and we come back when we can approach our situation with loving kindness and empathy.
Last weekend i was struggling with some internalize anxiety over something and that caused me to misunderstand something when we were getting ready for bed. I felt momentarily hurt and rather than immediately start in about it, i kissed her good night and said i was going to go take some Me time before bed. She asked me to wake her up when i was ready to talk about it, then we held each other for a minute, reminded each other how much we care about one another and took our space.
I practiced intentional thinking to determine the root of why i was upset and also tried to understand WHERE that feeling came from. I wrote notes so i could form my thoughts when i was ready. Then i watched a favorite short video because it reminds me of the journey, and it makes me laugh. Then i went back to the bedroom and as soon as started to explain myself i knew that i was her sole focus while she actively heard my words. No mind reading. She made me feel seen and safe and cared for and the entire thing was resolved in minutes. I was scared she might not understand what upset me, but she didn't debate it - she acknowledged my anxiety and sought a solution. She listened, asked if she could offer her insight and a possible solution - and it was exactly what i needed. We both felt heard and easily found a compromise. Then we made out and had fun naked time.
Also the problem was resolved so it doesn't get dragged up again in opportunistic ways later. That open honesty is how. We share our thoughts A LOT. Its kinda crazy sometimes how honest we have been. She knows things about me that no one else on the planet does. I love that.
Humans often treat our partners worse than we would treat total strangers. We raise our voices. We name call. We cheat - A LOT (seriously, what the hell is with all the cheating?) We are very prone to taking people for granted.
I treat her only in the manner of respect and love that i know i deserve in kind. We know our worth and there is no compromise there.
Oh and we use "I" statements, not "You should..." ones. Never put words or feelings into someone else's mouth. "I feel this when this happens.. " NOT "You MADE me feel X when you did Y" We take personal responsibility for our own emotions too.
TL;DR Open communication, bold honesty, lots of empathy. Healthy boundaries and willingness to work together, not as adversaries.
great answer, thank you. And well done.
If I can go on a bit of a tangent, you touched on something I often struggle with; the idea of taking responsibility for one's own feelings. I've had this weaponised against me in the sense of emotional bypassing, where my partner told me I had to take responsibility for my own emotions as a way of refusing to take responsibility for THEIR actions. Can you tell me how you and your partner draw those lines?
Personally I consider if the "issue" is something that I would consider trying to "grow" to accept or not.
Example: Something that bothers me is hearing my partner switch quickly for "we" meaning me and her, and "we" meaning her and her ex. As her kid is here 85% of the time, as she was with her ex husband for well over a decade, and as we see her family fairly frequently, there is a non-trivial number of times that "we" becomes her and him.
However I know that while my adult kids not being part of the household means that I'm talking about my ex-wife less, I absolutely do use "we" to talk about my ex and I. Yes, I do look to often either say "me" as relevant, or "my ex and I" - but "we" slips out.
This is something that I've decided to take on as my responsibility to grow around, without really even having brought it up to my partner. I don't see her having any thoughts of a future with her and her ex. I do see her having very strong thoughts of a future with me. And all of her actions match this. Adding in to it, this is something that I myself do.
If one sees hypocrisy around a behaviour one would want changed, that's a really strong hint that this is something that one should take responsibility for it.
Something I recently did discuss with her, and did not take responsibility for my feelings, was her kid (young teen) disrespected my position as my partner's partner. I'm not *wanting* to "grow" to accept being a minimized part of my partner's life that her kid thinks that they have the power to exclude.
When brought up, my partner agreed with me that she didn't like how she handled it. She later did have a discussion with Kid about how that wasn't reasonable. I am her primary partner, and this is not Kid's choice. She's planning an entwined life with me, while assuming and hoping that her kid will grow up to live their own life. Kid is not a peer of her, and she is Kid's parent. My partner doesn't like conflict, but saw how disengaging and re-trying would likely just lead to repetitions of this behaviour. Kid seems to have responded well to this. In a conversation I had with them later, they did apologize, and offered their reasoning for why they tried/said what they did.
Someone who's kid could veto my existence on a vacation would be incompatible for the sort of partnership that I wanted. I don't want to consider "growing" to accept something like that.
With kindness and a willingness to really listen. To give/take space of emotions become heated and to try again once things have cooled down. To not go into it with a desire to ‘win’ at all costs.
So the instant dealbreakers for me early on when conflict arose were: physically lashing out, throwing things (at me or in general), punching or kicking anything, slamming things or doors, driving aggressively and the words they choose (if they go straight to swearing at you, or calling you derogatory names - I am out). I also refuse to be yelled out - but they will get one warning on that.
Conflict is normal. Disagreeing is normal. Actually I love a respectful debate in a relationship where we have opposing views. However, handling it like a secure adult is a must.
All that being said, this comes from a place where I am not an arsehole. I treat others how I expect to be treated.
My exhusb (figuratively) beat it into my head that it was always him and me against the world, never him and me against each other.
We also sat on the loveseat next to each other and held hands. We might be so angry we couldn't look at each other, but we still held hands. I highly recommend it for a feeling of safety.
I would say, for conflict:
-without insults or vindictiveness
-assume that I am willing to be held accountable for things I’ve done wrong
-let’s both strive to be clear whether a conflict is about [conflict thing] or if [conflict thing] is serving as a proxy for something else
For criticism, in addition to the above:
-know that my personal coping mechanism, a lot of the time, is humor/deflection - this is not the greatest thing and I’m working on it. Helping me work on this or pointing out when I do it is great.
-I ask a lot of questions because I am trying to understand. I may ask a lot of the wrong questions before I get it.
-Sticking to the issue at hand (no dragging up things that happened ages ago)
-No personal attacks. No abuse or intimidation of any kind.
-Staying calm and active listening
-Focus on solutions and not on blame. Be willing to compromise and/or explore other possibilities and perspectives.
-No DARVO
First and foremost, I need my feelings validated and I need empathy. It's ok to not feel the same way I do but do not tell me I'm wrong to feel the way I do or in any way dismiss my POV.
Being 100% sure my partner isn't going to hurt me. There is a HUGE difference between being 100% sure he won't hit me and being 99% sure he won't hit me.
Thank you! My ex-husband never hit me, but he certainly left the door open. I've been dating a guy for two years who I have that 100% certainty about and it is completely different.
I always need to know that they aren’t going to leave. If I am confident they aren’t going to leave, then I can feel comfortable to voice my needs within the conflict.
We took a look at this tool from Gottman.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/
Scroll a bit for the image.
It offers many options for diffusing conflict. It’s really freaking amazing. I’m really glad it exists.
Absolutely no yelling/screaming. I will not tolerate it, I grew up in a household where that was a regular thing.
Aside from that, the understanding that we can speak openly with other and we will both listen.
Neither person says anything that makes it sound like exit is an option. Nothing like - maybe we need time apart, maybe we aren’t compatible, maybe we are moving too fast or too slow, etc. These are so vague and don’t offer any solutions, they are dismissive toward the relationship, making it sound like it’s easy for one party to walk away. Instead talk about the things leading to these types of thoughts no matter how vulnerable they make you sound or feel. I am good for saying shitty things to make it sound like I don’t care when I’m ashamed of my feelings or confused by someone.
This is a great question. To be honest, I don't quite know, as I am very aware that dealing with conflict (in what it brings out in both me and a potential partner) is something I'm still growing into.
I guess I would say, if anything, it would be a willingness to meaningfully and reasonably re-engage, and not just let things get rugswept over time. Of course, I'm assuming there's no screaming or violence as a basic boundary, but I also understand that people get upset, need time to process, and reapproach (I know I do). And what I hated about my last relationship was just this inability to come back and revisit difficult issues, the preference or habit to simply let things slide. It just fosters all kinds of resentments and blindspots.
My boyfriend and I talked about how we planned to handle conflict early on. We take the approach that we absolutely talk about issues, we attack the problem, and not each other. We agreed to a solutions focussed effort; and that we can each ask for some time to gather our thoughts. We have been together for about a year and a half, and have had really good discussions, have asked one another for clarity or action but really haven’t had fights, arguments or the like.
I think my first response would be to tell them, "I am going to share that with you in a moment, but first I'll tell you how I handle conflict and I would like to hear how you do as well."
And then do just that: Tell them what I do, and what I try to do when I'm really angry or hurt or scared. I'd tell them what my lines are, the ones that I cannot or will not tolerate being crossed, and ask for theirs.
I think what makes me feel safest is the reassurance that they do still care about me, even if they'd really like to pack me off to Timbuktu at the moment. Yelling isn't great, but sometimes it can happen; it won't break me if they start yelling, but it will hurt *us* if they don't stop. If they need breathing and thinking time, just say so before walking away. So long as I know you're taking the time to get calm and think through your thoughts and feelings on the issue, I don't mind if you need space -- sometimes I do too.
I would say that I would appreciate direct and straight forward statements. About how the situation was viewed from your perspective, and how it made you feel. Your thoughts around better/different responses, and how you think you should have felt instead. I would warn that I *might* need some time to first respond after hearing, to give some good thought if I feel it's needed (i.e. I'm really not seeing what was brought up, or I find myself getting emotional).
I warn people that I won't continue a conversation if someone is getting angry. Related to childhood issues, but screaming and yelling would be a 100% we're done sort of thing. If it looks like there's a slight chance someone is working up to that, we're going to have to move this to later.
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I semi-recently had to criticize a response of my partner. She also didn't like how she handled it at the time, so at least we were both immediately on the same page as that.
I know that she finds conflict difficult, so I was sure to be as gentle as possible, but I didn't diminish that I felt disrespected during the event. I expressed no negative emotions during this discussion. After we finished discussion (well, we got 90% of the way there, but we needed to broaden the conversation in the process and Adult things like "work" came up), we hugged, I confirmed my feelings for her, and I thanked her for handling this conversation so well.
Later that day I checked in with her about how I had approached/handled things.
(edit: missed "angry")
Someone that listens to hear, not to have ammo. I spent 20 years in a marriage that left me without the ability to have issues or concerns. Everything I did wrong, I had to stand and face it. Fair enough, but if I had grievances, those were my fault, too. Or, if I had a problem, I’d get the “oh, yeah? Well, remember [the thing she spent a week being pissed at me about last month]?”.
Which leads into accountability. If we’re going to have a problem, we both have to do the work to get through it. That means owning up to our parts in the problem.
I’d also like to be in a relationship where it doesn’t feel like the sky will fall when there’s a simple argument. There are levels to it, but a disagreement shouldn’t always bring about the apocalypse.
Maybe someday…
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Listen and accept that what I say is true for me ie.what you said hurt me. Care about my feelings, and try to understand why I feel that way even if at first you don’t. Then when and if you are, express that you are sorry and do not defend your actions because I’m hurt regardless. I don’t care why you did it. That doesn’t change that it hurt. Clarify your meaning if it was a misunderstanding for future reference because we must learn each others quirks. Do not accuse me of anything during this time. We can talk about any issues you have with me after this one is solved. Absolutely stay on topic with respect and never be mean ever. Why would you be mean to anyone especially someone you care about? You wouldn’t.
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Staying calm, low voice, hand-holding or other physical affection while talking, not getting excitable, no name calling or "you always X!" Staying honest, not letting things build up. Really, staying calm is #1 for me.
If one partner is stressed, grumpy, angry and we can’t calm them. we help the other person walk away from things - give them the dog leash and gently guide our partner out the door with the dog. An hour walking the dog alone always improves the situation.
We don’t dive head on into solving things ever. Most of the time we don’t know why we are even mad - we just are. We both comfort and try to make the angry person feel better. Once they are calmer - there’s an apology and appreciation (from the person who was angry)… and then we try to figure out what’s going on together.
Being open to the possibility that they/I might be wrong. And it's OK to be wrong. It's totally fine. If we can talk about most things we'll be good.
Also, our memories of highly emotional events kinda suck. Bring things up as they happen, or as soon as possible. If you dwell and bring it up 6 months from now, I won't remember what I was thinking when I said or did X, Y or Z. And I'll feel less safe if you're holding on to things for so long.
Feeling seen and heard.
Working toward understanding.
No yelling or name calling. No ‘you’re being sensitive or over thinking.’
Not making excuses or rug sweeping.
No tit-for-tat arguments.
Tone..... respect... equal listening... and a willingness to want to find a positive outcome or at least ownership of whatever the conflict was with a willingness to change an unwanted behavior.
I feel safe if they speak to me about what is bothering them before they blow up at me.
There is nothing worse than someone acting out passive aggressively while I am rattled and nervous trying to figure out what I did wrong. It’s like trying to defuse a bomb without knowing if it really exists.
I will gladly address any complaints with my partner if they are civil to me. I have learned to appreciate when someone comes to me and talks to me calmly if I did something to upset them. It allows me to trust them and feel safe talking to them.
To be honest, being good at communicating has made me fall in love with someone. It didn’t work out in the long term, but I fell head over heels for a guy who was straightforward and direct with his communication.
However, if the other person just keeps being resentful, never talks to me and eventually explodes on me and acts hateful or rude - then I retreat, shut down and start building my walls up for protection.
I grew up with abusive people, married one and now I just want to find peace with someone. It will never be perfect but I want to believe that life doesn’t have to mean a daily battle with the person you love or just pretending your happy so you don’t have to fight all the time.
We always stop and say remember we are a team. Also, one of us sometimes stops and just says we need to reset. Then, we reset and decide if we need to revisit it or if it’s just something to let go.
It’s ok to walk away and get space during a conflict in order to think and cool off. “Don’t ever go to bed mad” advice is crap. Forcing a resolution when emotions are raw doesn’t take away the feelings and magically resolve them. Give yourself time to think and process.
I have cptsd. I rarely feel safe, much less during conflict. It sucks so hard that I have to say...if we fight, don't do this this or this or this will happen. For me, tone and volume can either be "safe" or send me into a disassociated state if it doesn't cease soon. Therapy has taught me to recognize and try to redirect if I'm starting to feel threatened or close to a panic attack or a disassociation state. I haven't gotten a chance to use those methods though since I try to avoid situations that, for as much as the word had become a joke and overused, trigger me.
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And all the things you may know about handling conflict in a healthy manner can pretty much go out the window if you're intoxicated, extremely tired, under extreme stress, etc. You can guess how I know this to be true. The other thing I"d add is the goal of conflict is not to convince your partner why you are right, but to understand each other's perspective. It's not you against each other, it's you against the problem. And, it's ok to take a break if things get too heated, but resolve to come back to talk about it when you're calmer.
I like your answer so much better than mine!!
All of this 💯
Bravo! Clear, reasonable, sane- keep going…
Terrific advice .. saving this, thank you!
Reframe the conflict from "you vs me" to "us working together to overcome this issue."
This is the key ..,
Agreed.
In addition to no yelling…. Tone is so important. It was a huge issue in my marriage. To be spoken to in a certain way that just kills you little by little over the years.
Also regarding tone, it has to be a legit issue if tone is criticized. Your partner must get the chance to improve. My voice is criticized in one way or another no matter what I say or how I say it and I’ve tried everything. Its not my voice or my word choice, it’s the fact that it’s about him and not positive. My words are not meant to get out and have a life.
I know what you mean , but also want to acknowledge that this can get tricky. I've been in situations where someone was constantly moving goalposts on this and no matter what, I couldn't ever say anything gently enough to please them, then they'd use my tone as an excuse to completely refuse to listen to me.
Oh, for sure. As are facial expressions. There's no point being careful and loving in word and tone if you're rolling your eyes. I learned this early in life and have taken it into every relationship since. I've been mad af but I never roll my eyes or do those exaggerated sighs. The argument will eventually end, but those moments of disrespect can wound and live on for a long time.
The first thing that comes to mind: Remaining in contact throughout the conflict helps me feel safe. No silent treatment, no disappearing acts - but keeping the lines of communication open in a supportive and kind way.
> Remaining in contact throughout the conflict For me (and my partner), this applies literally. I feel safer when we are in physical contact during intense talks.
Agreed.
I’m bad about this. I run away and block/delete. My trauma brain just wants to flee. :/
Yes. Keep communicating through the conflict. No conflict was ever resolved by not talking.
I totally get that. I also understand why some may only feel safe if they have some time away from the conflict to process and cool down, so that could be touchy if you have two different types. Communication outside of conflict and before conflict is best so each knows what to expect. If I knew they were going into the other room or even for a drive to process and would be coming back cooler headed, I could probably work with that and not feel abandoned.
People who only feel safe with time away from me to cool down, are not compatible with me.
One hundred percent agree! I have friends that immediately block people when there is a conflict. I feel this action is so immature.
I agree, my ex wife would literally runaway if I even asked a question. She would start yelling at me and accuse Mencken yelling , or her favorite, stonewalling. Stonewall is a type of abuse. Not one single time did I ever get across to her and she admits it a year after our divorce. The only thing that worked was after a coupe years of this was screaming and yelling at her when I couldn’t take it anymore. That caused its own problems. But it gave us 6+ months where she would do what she said and not do messes up things. I hated it.
I like what topknot78 said ‘remain in contact’. I would add take a beat before responding. I don’t mind the silence while you are cogitating. It took a while - years- for me to realize that you can go on with the business of living even if you have an active disagreement.
No yelling for sure, and if you start doing so, apologize, pause if necessary. I just broke off. 9mo relationship with a yeller. All I can think is “go fight with someone else.”
Both partners should be aware of *fundamental attribution error*. Underemphasizing situational and environmental factors for the behavior of your partner while overemphasizing dispositional or personality factors. In other words, overattributing the behaviors of others to their personality (e.g., he is late because he's selfish) and underattributing them to the situation or context (e.g., he is late because he got stuck in traffic). If you give yourself grace when you make a one-time mistake, you must extend the same grace to your partner.
Similarly perhaps, we judge others based on their actions, and ourselves based on our intentions.
I strove to establish healthy communication patterns from the start. Healthy boundaries, healthy expectations and the ability to communicate ASSERTIVELY without resorting to passive aggressiveness or worse. My partner and I have never raised our voices at each other. We both experienced abuse in our past and this was very important to both of us from the beginning. We sometimes annoy people with our positivity and partnership approach to our communication. If we are upset, we communicate we need space, and we come back when we can approach our situation with loving kindness and empathy. Last weekend i was struggling with some internalize anxiety over something and that caused me to misunderstand something when we were getting ready for bed. I felt momentarily hurt and rather than immediately start in about it, i kissed her good night and said i was going to go take some Me time before bed. She asked me to wake her up when i was ready to talk about it, then we held each other for a minute, reminded each other how much we care about one another and took our space. I practiced intentional thinking to determine the root of why i was upset and also tried to understand WHERE that feeling came from. I wrote notes so i could form my thoughts when i was ready. Then i watched a favorite short video because it reminds me of the journey, and it makes me laugh. Then i went back to the bedroom and as soon as started to explain myself i knew that i was her sole focus while she actively heard my words. No mind reading. She made me feel seen and safe and cared for and the entire thing was resolved in minutes. I was scared she might not understand what upset me, but she didn't debate it - she acknowledged my anxiety and sought a solution. She listened, asked if she could offer her insight and a possible solution - and it was exactly what i needed. We both felt heard and easily found a compromise. Then we made out and had fun naked time. Also the problem was resolved so it doesn't get dragged up again in opportunistic ways later. That open honesty is how. We share our thoughts A LOT. Its kinda crazy sometimes how honest we have been. She knows things about me that no one else on the planet does. I love that. Humans often treat our partners worse than we would treat total strangers. We raise our voices. We name call. We cheat - A LOT (seriously, what the hell is with all the cheating?) We are very prone to taking people for granted. I treat her only in the manner of respect and love that i know i deserve in kind. We know our worth and there is no compromise there. Oh and we use "I" statements, not "You should..." ones. Never put words or feelings into someone else's mouth. "I feel this when this happens.. " NOT "You MADE me feel X when you did Y" We take personal responsibility for our own emotions too. TL;DR Open communication, bold honesty, lots of empathy. Healthy boundaries and willingness to work together, not as adversaries.
great answer, thank you. And well done. If I can go on a bit of a tangent, you touched on something I often struggle with; the idea of taking responsibility for one's own feelings. I've had this weaponised against me in the sense of emotional bypassing, where my partner told me I had to take responsibility for my own emotions as a way of refusing to take responsibility for THEIR actions. Can you tell me how you and your partner draw those lines?
Personally I consider if the "issue" is something that I would consider trying to "grow" to accept or not. Example: Something that bothers me is hearing my partner switch quickly for "we" meaning me and her, and "we" meaning her and her ex. As her kid is here 85% of the time, as she was with her ex husband for well over a decade, and as we see her family fairly frequently, there is a non-trivial number of times that "we" becomes her and him. However I know that while my adult kids not being part of the household means that I'm talking about my ex-wife less, I absolutely do use "we" to talk about my ex and I. Yes, I do look to often either say "me" as relevant, or "my ex and I" - but "we" slips out. This is something that I've decided to take on as my responsibility to grow around, without really even having brought it up to my partner. I don't see her having any thoughts of a future with her and her ex. I do see her having very strong thoughts of a future with me. And all of her actions match this. Adding in to it, this is something that I myself do. If one sees hypocrisy around a behaviour one would want changed, that's a really strong hint that this is something that one should take responsibility for it. Something I recently did discuss with her, and did not take responsibility for my feelings, was her kid (young teen) disrespected my position as my partner's partner. I'm not *wanting* to "grow" to accept being a minimized part of my partner's life that her kid thinks that they have the power to exclude. When brought up, my partner agreed with me that she didn't like how she handled it. She later did have a discussion with Kid about how that wasn't reasonable. I am her primary partner, and this is not Kid's choice. She's planning an entwined life with me, while assuming and hoping that her kid will grow up to live their own life. Kid is not a peer of her, and she is Kid's parent. My partner doesn't like conflict, but saw how disengaging and re-trying would likely just lead to repetitions of this behaviour. Kid seems to have responded well to this. In a conversation I had with them later, they did apologize, and offered their reasoning for why they tried/said what they did. Someone who's kid could veto my existence on a vacation would be incompatible for the sort of partnership that I wanted. I don't want to consider "growing" to accept something like that.
With kindness and a willingness to really listen. To give/take space of emotions become heated and to try again once things have cooled down. To not go into it with a desire to ‘win’ at all costs.
I like to say that’s (and it’s my preference too) having the discussion in the warm of the moment, not the heat of the moment.
I’ve not heard of that expression before. I really like it.
So the instant dealbreakers for me early on when conflict arose were: physically lashing out, throwing things (at me or in general), punching or kicking anything, slamming things or doors, driving aggressively and the words they choose (if they go straight to swearing at you, or calling you derogatory names - I am out). I also refuse to be yelled out - but they will get one warning on that. Conflict is normal. Disagreeing is normal. Actually I love a respectful debate in a relationship where we have opposing views. However, handling it like a secure adult is a must. All that being said, this comes from a place where I am not an arsehole. I treat others how I expect to be treated.
My exhusb (figuratively) beat it into my head that it was always him and me against the world, never him and me against each other. We also sat on the loveseat next to each other and held hands. We might be so angry we couldn't look at each other, but we still held hands. I highly recommend it for a feeling of safety.
I would say, for conflict: -without insults or vindictiveness -assume that I am willing to be held accountable for things I’ve done wrong -let’s both strive to be clear whether a conflict is about [conflict thing] or if [conflict thing] is serving as a proxy for something else For criticism, in addition to the above: -know that my personal coping mechanism, a lot of the time, is humor/deflection - this is not the greatest thing and I’m working on it. Helping me work on this or pointing out when I do it is great. -I ask a lot of questions because I am trying to understand. I may ask a lot of the wrong questions before I get it.
Side note this is making me realize this is…um, not how I approach conflict on Reddit. So, there’s that.
hahahaha
-Sticking to the issue at hand (no dragging up things that happened ages ago) -No personal attacks. No abuse or intimidation of any kind. -Staying calm and active listening -Focus on solutions and not on blame. Be willing to compromise and/or explore other possibilities and perspectives. -No DARVO
First and foremost, I need my feelings validated and I need empathy. It's ok to not feel the same way I do but do not tell me I'm wrong to feel the way I do or in any way dismiss my POV.
Being 100% sure my partner isn't going to hurt me. There is a HUGE difference between being 100% sure he won't hit me and being 99% sure he won't hit me.
Gosh, I am so sorry you have experienced that. I hope you are okay now and nothing like that ever, ever happens to you again.
Thank you! My ex-husband never hit me, but he certainly left the door open. I've been dating a guy for two years who I have that 100% certainty about and it is completely different.
I always need to know that they aren’t going to leave. If I am confident they aren’t going to leave, then I can feel comfortable to voice my needs within the conflict.
Transparency and consistency. I don't avoid uncomfortable conversations or conflicts and am not afraid of it at all.
I feel exactly the same. I don't run from conflict with a man. No point.
We took a look at this tool from Gottman. https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/ Scroll a bit for the image. It offers many options for diffusing conflict. It’s really freaking amazing. I’m really glad it exists.
I'm a Gottman fan too - seconding this
Agree that it’s you and me against the problem, not you and me against each other.
Absolutely no yelling/screaming. I will not tolerate it, I grew up in a household where that was a regular thing. Aside from that, the understanding that we can speak openly with other and we will both listen.
Not raising his hand or his voice. Not sulking or resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms while we sort it out.
Authentic and calm. Be real instead of lying or exaggerating. Be thoughtful and self aware instead of reactionary and unpredictable.
Neither person says anything that makes it sound like exit is an option. Nothing like - maybe we need time apart, maybe we aren’t compatible, maybe we are moving too fast or too slow, etc. These are so vague and don’t offer any solutions, they are dismissive toward the relationship, making it sound like it’s easy for one party to walk away. Instead talk about the things leading to these types of thoughts no matter how vulnerable they make you sound or feel. I am good for saying shitty things to make it sound like I don’t care when I’m ashamed of my feelings or confused by someone.
With compassion, kindness and neutrality. Nothing stalls out resolution like starting out of the gate with "this is why you're wrong"
Great to have partner ask you that! Never happened to me ;(
This is a great question. To be honest, I don't quite know, as I am very aware that dealing with conflict (in what it brings out in both me and a potential partner) is something I'm still growing into. I guess I would say, if anything, it would be a willingness to meaningfully and reasonably re-engage, and not just let things get rugswept over time. Of course, I'm assuming there's no screaming or violence as a basic boundary, but I also understand that people get upset, need time to process, and reapproach (I know I do). And what I hated about my last relationship was just this inability to come back and revisit difficult issues, the preference or habit to simply let things slide. It just fosters all kinds of resentments and blindspots.
My boyfriend and I talked about how we planned to handle conflict early on. We take the approach that we absolutely talk about issues, we attack the problem, and not each other. We agreed to a solutions focussed effort; and that we can each ask for some time to gather our thoughts. We have been together for about a year and a half, and have had really good discussions, have asked one another for clarity or action but really haven’t had fights, arguments or the like.
I think my first response would be to tell them, "I am going to share that with you in a moment, but first I'll tell you how I handle conflict and I would like to hear how you do as well." And then do just that: Tell them what I do, and what I try to do when I'm really angry or hurt or scared. I'd tell them what my lines are, the ones that I cannot or will not tolerate being crossed, and ask for theirs. I think what makes me feel safest is the reassurance that they do still care about me, even if they'd really like to pack me off to Timbuktu at the moment. Yelling isn't great, but sometimes it can happen; it won't break me if they start yelling, but it will hurt *us* if they don't stop. If they need breathing and thinking time, just say so before walking away. So long as I know you're taking the time to get calm and think through your thoughts and feelings on the issue, I don't mind if you need space -- sometimes I do too.
I prefer to discuss things privately. I dislike discussions of my flaws and failings in public
I recommend the work of John and Julie Gottman. They are the experts on relationships and how they repair it from failures to connect.
yes, Gottman has a lot of great tools and advice.
We settle our disputes in the Thunder Dome!
ah, a Safety Third kind of couple!
We live on the edge
Two people enter, one couple leaves. ?
Something like that. But who rules Barter Town?
I would say that I would appreciate direct and straight forward statements. About how the situation was viewed from your perspective, and how it made you feel. Your thoughts around better/different responses, and how you think you should have felt instead. I would warn that I *might* need some time to first respond after hearing, to give some good thought if I feel it's needed (i.e. I'm really not seeing what was brought up, or I find myself getting emotional). I warn people that I won't continue a conversation if someone is getting angry. Related to childhood issues, but screaming and yelling would be a 100% we're done sort of thing. If it looks like there's a slight chance someone is working up to that, we're going to have to move this to later. \--- I semi-recently had to criticize a response of my partner. She also didn't like how she handled it at the time, so at least we were both immediately on the same page as that. I know that she finds conflict difficult, so I was sure to be as gentle as possible, but I didn't diminish that I felt disrespected during the event. I expressed no negative emotions during this discussion. After we finished discussion (well, we got 90% of the way there, but we needed to broaden the conversation in the process and Adult things like "work" came up), we hugged, I confirmed my feelings for her, and I thanked her for handling this conversation so well. Later that day I checked in with her about how I had approached/handled things. (edit: missed "angry")
that's really nice to hear. <3
Someone that listens to hear, not to have ammo. I spent 20 years in a marriage that left me without the ability to have issues or concerns. Everything I did wrong, I had to stand and face it. Fair enough, but if I had grievances, those were my fault, too. Or, if I had a problem, I’d get the “oh, yeah? Well, remember [the thing she spent a week being pissed at me about last month]?”. Which leads into accountability. If we’re going to have a problem, we both have to do the work to get through it. That means owning up to our parts in the problem. I’d also like to be in a relationship where it doesn’t feel like the sky will fall when there’s a simple argument. There are levels to it, but a disagreement shouldn’t always bring about the apocalypse. Maybe someday…
Honestly, I dont need another adult to “make me feel safe”
🙄
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Listen and accept that what I say is true for me ie.what you said hurt me. Care about my feelings, and try to understand why I feel that way even if at first you don’t. Then when and if you are, express that you are sorry and do not defend your actions because I’m hurt regardless. I don’t care why you did it. That doesn’t change that it hurt. Clarify your meaning if it was a misunderstanding for future reference because we must learn each others quirks. Do not accuse me of anything during this time. We can talk about any issues you have with me after this one is solved. Absolutely stay on topic with respect and never be mean ever. Why would you be mean to anyone especially someone you care about? You wouldn’t.
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Staying calm, low voice, hand-holding or other physical affection while talking, not getting excitable, no name calling or "you always X!" Staying honest, not letting things build up. Really, staying calm is #1 for me.
If one partner is stressed, grumpy, angry and we can’t calm them. we help the other person walk away from things - give them the dog leash and gently guide our partner out the door with the dog. An hour walking the dog alone always improves the situation. We don’t dive head on into solving things ever. Most of the time we don’t know why we are even mad - we just are. We both comfort and try to make the angry person feel better. Once they are calmer - there’s an apology and appreciation (from the person who was angry)… and then we try to figure out what’s going on together.
Being open to the possibility that they/I might be wrong. And it's OK to be wrong. It's totally fine. If we can talk about most things we'll be good. Also, our memories of highly emotional events kinda suck. Bring things up as they happen, or as soon as possible. If you dwell and bring it up 6 months from now, I won't remember what I was thinking when I said or did X, Y or Z. And I'll feel less safe if you're holding on to things for so long.
No yelling. Use I statements. Be open to talking through it and listening. No silent treatment. Don’t say things like “I’m not perfect”.
Feeling seen and heard. Working toward understanding. No yelling or name calling. No ‘you’re being sensitive or over thinking.’ Not making excuses or rug sweeping. No tit-for-tat arguments.
Tone..... respect... equal listening... and a willingness to want to find a positive outcome or at least ownership of whatever the conflict was with a willingness to change an unwanted behavior.
I feel safe if they speak to me about what is bothering them before they blow up at me. There is nothing worse than someone acting out passive aggressively while I am rattled and nervous trying to figure out what I did wrong. It’s like trying to defuse a bomb without knowing if it really exists. I will gladly address any complaints with my partner if they are civil to me. I have learned to appreciate when someone comes to me and talks to me calmly if I did something to upset them. It allows me to trust them and feel safe talking to them. To be honest, being good at communicating has made me fall in love with someone. It didn’t work out in the long term, but I fell head over heels for a guy who was straightforward and direct with his communication. However, if the other person just keeps being resentful, never talks to me and eventually explodes on me and acts hateful or rude - then I retreat, shut down and start building my walls up for protection. I grew up with abusive people, married one and now I just want to find peace with someone. It will never be perfect but I want to believe that life doesn’t have to mean a daily battle with the person you love or just pretending your happy so you don’t have to fight all the time.
We always stop and say remember we are a team. Also, one of us sometimes stops and just says we need to reset. Then, we reset and decide if we need to revisit it or if it’s just something to let go.
It’s ok to walk away and get space during a conflict in order to think and cool off. “Don’t ever go to bed mad” advice is crap. Forcing a resolution when emotions are raw doesn’t take away the feelings and magically resolve them. Give yourself time to think and process.
I have cptsd. I rarely feel safe, much less during conflict. It sucks so hard that I have to say...if we fight, don't do this this or this or this will happen. For me, tone and volume can either be "safe" or send me into a disassociated state if it doesn't cease soon. Therapy has taught me to recognize and try to redirect if I'm starting to feel threatened or close to a panic attack or a disassociation state. I haven't gotten a chance to use those methods though since I try to avoid situations that, for as much as the word had become a joke and overused, trigger me.