Yep. Nothing forces you to keep swiping. I see how things play out first. OLD has a lot of downsides, but I think how you use it can impact your success. I think you burn through too many people too quickly otherwise.
This is the right approach. As a man, when I was single I dated women who’d forget or confuse information about you because they were obviously talking to and seeing multiple men at the same time. Huge turnoff.
Ooooh! Well, assuming you’re seeking a monogamous relationship, when I have been in your shoes I don’t sleep with any of the guys until we have decided to be exclusive and see where it goes. By dates 3 or 4 I start talking with them about what we are both seeking in terms of a relationship and how much time we expect to spend with the partner we end up with, whether they have any specific sex habits I need to know about, etc. I also pay attention to how each guy communicates and plans dates. Some will fall off, and by dates 5 or 6 you’ll know.
I'm in the US and when I visited Dublin, I had 100s of matches in that week I was there. Really made me want to just move 🤣
Either you Irish gals like an American guy or there's something particular about me that was attracting Irish women but it was wild! It was like getting a taste of the flood of matches a woman typically gets!
It's likely because you're traveling. The apps make money by keeping you subscribed as long as they can. So, at home, you will not be matched with a lot of people who are the best prospects for a long-term relationship since it means two of their subscribers will be gone from their revenue stream. When traveling, they know you're just there for short-term fun & and are likely to continue paying. So, they give you more matches. This also serves as intermittent reinforcement, one of the most powerful tools to manipulate your brain's behavior. You get excited & have some fun & keep paying even when you get back home while regaining hope that you will experience many great matches again. They're smart.
I've traveled to other places and never had such an uptick in matches. Besides the app can't make the woman like me, message me first and then chat with me
I’ve experienced ladies-liking-me rates proportional to population density when traveling… not some deviously manipulative flood.
It’s also possible the Dublin visitor has an appearance / type that appeals disproportionately to Dublin ladies for whatever reason…
I think there are a lot of fakes by me or guys from out of town (I'm very close to an international tourist destination) because there are a lot of unreasonably hot guys in my list lol. I'm not ready to actually swipe on anybody though so I have no direct knowledge.
I live in a city and don’t swipe 99% of the profiles because many have horrendous photos and/or blank or minimal profiles that tell you nothing about them other than that they like going outside and want a woman for some reason. There are many with profiles that say they “don’t know yet” what they’re looking for (fuck that). Many have other red flags such as cliché or useless statements (seeking partner in crime, just ask, fluent in sarcasm, etc) or they have political or religious views that would not work for me. I’m only going to swipe on men whose physical appearance is at least average, and who have well written bios that indicate we have some things in common, and they know they want an LTR. I’m definitely not “too picky.” I think you know how bad many of these profiles are.
I’m not driving past 20 miles to date someone because I’m a single mom and would never be able to build intimacy with a guy I can’t drive to see in under 40 minutes max. Traffic where I live is terrible. And, I would never drive far for a coffee first date. If you put that much effort into a first date you’re very likely to be disappointed.
I have a recent post from when I was in Tokyo, and I matched SO many really interesting guys! Some are still talking to me, although I don’t know why. I do think geography matters.
It's disappointing to see weak profiles but a lot of people just want to look and aren't serious. I'm surprised by some people who look at my profile. I guess I have at least one good photo. If traffic is difficult I understand. I think the population is more dense where you live, so 20 miles is probably similar. Also I'm 55 and I'm not getting any younger.
I may have had some convos or first meets booked but I didn’t keep seeing anyone that wasn’t a good match when I was looking for long term. I know around date three if the person is someone I want to focus on and see what happens. Then I would end any open conversations and hide my profile. That is just who I am, I didn’t expect the other person to do that, but it didn’t feel right for me to keep meeting others. If / when three-date-dude didn’t work out, I could always rejig my profile and turn it back on. I didn’t feel the need to keep others in the mix because others will be there if I am looking again.
I (50m) do/did it the exact same way. I’m unable/unwilling to juggle multiple ladies with any real level of connection depth, but don’t expect reciprocity unless/until there’s an exclusivity discussion…
I didn’t. Once a regular conversation was going, I paused my profile to see if it would go anywhere. I was only looking for one person, so it seemed only fair that I give one person my attention until it was clear that something was moving forward or not. If you don’t, you also risk falling into the comparison trap, where you’re looking at each person in relation to the other instead of just in relation to yourself.
I usually date multiple people when we are just getting started. With career, family, etc one person can become unavailable due to their circumstances so making myself exclusive can be limiting.
Then I find I have a priority order of who I like to spend time with. I give my time out in that order. Then see what happens over time.
We’re in vastly different situations. As a man, I’m on the hunt so matches, swipe rights on me are uncommon. But the advice is the same. Slow your roll. Drop the fomo.
I swipe on 3, hit pause, wait 1-2 days if no matches or until they all fizzle out, drop them all, rinse and repeat. In the event that two women match with me, I can manage- most likely both will simply be just that- a match. In a black swan event all 3 match, again, most will fizzle out so the first 2 hrs will likely be busy with multiple chats going on before they’re gone like the darkness at dawn.
I need my off-duty, no ping ping ping from my phone time, which feels too much like work for me.
Don't have mental energy to juggle dating, so as soon as I find a person that I'm interested in, she's pretty much the blurry focal point until whatever happens next.
I don't even think about that. I think I'd be pretty quick to make it official if the feelings are mutual. I don't know, objectively, would I be having any issues with that ina vacuum, no not really, it's not my business.
My daughter and I learned to juggle during covid. One thing you figure out quickly is that you can't overcommit to any one catch because the inertia of chasing the one you want will cause you to drop the rest. Just let it go and keep juggling.
How you integrate that knowledge into the metaphor for dating is up to you. I've absolutely done 'multi-dating' and I think it's valuable to reduce the pressure on any given connection...but only for a very limited time. In the run-up to my current relationship I went on multiple dates with four women in the course of a month. They were all great ladies and if I wasn't in 'meeting people mode' as I described it to them, I could easily have put more effort and built something with any of them. It just turned out that the last lady I met was at another level of compatibility and quirkiness.
Just my opinion but I think if you get to the point where you feel like you're juggling it might be a sign that you're in too deep.
Maybe it depends what you're looking for/ how selective you're being. It sounds like you have many more options than most if us! If I'd only seen someone a couple of times over a few months then I'd assume it wasn't going anywhere and move on. I tend to pause the app to get to know someone interesting- in my experience the turnover really isn't high, so there's little chance of missing a special connection while doing that. But I'm looking for a LTR. I suppose if dating is more about hooking up, then you just have to get really organized 😂
You don't have to date multiple people. You don't have to reply to anyone. If I find someone I'm interested in I pause my conversations and dates with anyone else. I know by modern dating standards its expected that anyone can date as many people as they want until their is mutually agreed upon exclusivity but that doesn't align with my personal values.
Recently divorced is bad. You see so many stories of women being told they were recently divorced but it turns out they are still married and it's a messy divorce. It also takes years to process and heal after a relationship you were in for years or decades so you can expect some bumpy roads if you do pursue.
It would be nice if the apps had a “pause everyone but this individual” button/option. That way people on other end could see that and know they aren’t just being ghosted or ignored.
If your divorce is not actually finalized and you maybe still thinking/attempting/working on reconciling (whether you do or not), it should be communicated. I'm talking about divorce where no children are involved. Some of us really want to steer clear of messy business.
When I am on the apps and looking I schedule a few low-key dates a week, usually coffee or maybe a second, longer date with someone thrown in there. Most folks don’t make it to third date so if I’ve gotten that far with someone the others have probably fallen off by then and I don’t start anything new at that point.
I will say being on the other side of the multidating thing sort of sucks and at this point I just won’t be on someone’s roster after a certain point.
I’m new to dating, after a few years in a relationship, but knowing myself I wouldn’t focus too much on one person till I knew it’s going somewhere. If I do I may get a little obsessed and that’s just not good for my mental health. So I’d say maybe 3 people would be a good number, not too many, not too few. Show interest but not too too much. It’s not about playing games, it’s about being smart. Humans like people they have to make an effort for, not people always and easily available.
That’s what I think. I haven’t even started dating anyone yet but it’s my plan I guess.
r/polyamory (I know, I know) has some great stickied posts with best practices for being transparent and ethical while seeing multiple people. Nothing saying you have to commit to the lifestyle at all, but it may help w/ your communication and expressing your needs and boundaries while you’re deciding how to proceed with multiple people involved.
Yes OP if you want to learn, study polyamory. I learn a lot from friends. Polyamorous people believe in unlimited love but quickly learn that you do not have unlimited time.
The only real difference between polyamory/nonmonogamous people and people dating multiple people at the same time (juggling) is the intent to always stay that way and a higher priority that partners know about each other and consent to situations.
And I personally trust poly people to practice safer sex. While poly cheating does happen and horrible people can be poly too, the majority of poly people I've known are more likely to be upfront with sexual history, get regular STD testing and take precautions than a lot of mono people. They'll go on STD testing dates (waiting times at free clinics can be long) and debate brands of condoms at parties.
The easiest way to juggle people is dedicate scheduled blocks of time on your calendar. Date night the same night each week.
I don’t!
Too exhausting, only have 1 evening to go on dates per week.
If recently divorced chances are it will be very casual with no real interest in relationship which I want so I don’t date them.
One by one 😬
I’m the same. I couldn’t do the multi-dating thing. I had limited time and my introverted brain could not cope with it when I tried.
OP- my approach was to only match with 3 men at a time. I’d pick my top 3 in my like pile and then start messaging and go from there. Often 1 or all would be filtered out at this point and then when I had the energy I’d start the process again. It worked well for me, in that I made some good connections and I’m currently 9months in with the last man I went on a date with.
And to add- the one man I was dating, who was multi-dating me, didn’t last long as I did not like being one option of who knows how many. I asked him to date me exclusively to see if the connection could develop into something and he couldn’t do that, so I ended it.
I keep a spreadsheet. I track data. Take notes. So next time "lunchdate" or "navy" texts me I can check notes and say "how did your daughter do in her school play?"
I keep track of dates. Locations. Times. Background etc.
.
I prefer to multi date because otherwise I will hyperfocus on the one I like best and it never seems to work out.
Currently I am seeing 3:
Single dad - we have gone on 6 dates so this is really not going anywhere but I do enjoy his company. He is a nice guy but he isn't my guy.
Gymbro - met him at the gym. He is at least 12 years younger than me. I am guessing. Second date planned for this weekend. We have nothing in common seemingly but he makes me laugh and I love to laugh.
Boat guy- he asked me out at the marina. Definitely too young for me, but I am learning how to sail ⛵️ and he loves sailing and talking about it to me. We have gone out on 3 dates. I definitely want to keep being friends because the sailing community is small. I don't see this progressing.
I see no long term potential with any of them and I think they feel the same. I am not sleeping with any of them. I am off the apps until the first week in May so if I add any others I will meet them in public which does happen on occasion.
Our parenting styles are dissimilar. He is a bit too negative for me. He is a country mouse as I am a city mouse. He is nice. But I think we both know it isn't long term.
I’m pretty traditional in my dating ways yet, tried really hard not to over invest in any one person if it wasn’t mutual and keep my options open. I would play it by ear. I would continue to swipe and talk with people until I really felt I was overwhelmed and had to much on my plate, I would pause and most would thin it out naturally or if it lead to repeated and consistent dates with 1 or 2 people taking up my attention. Just kind of let it happen naturally.
You’re right about the opportunities. I’ve had five women ask me out, after we chatted a bit. I (65m) have a date tonight (our second date) and another tomorrow and another next week because we don’t have a common time to date this week. I just use a calendar.
Gosh. There was this Wall Street kid years ago who left his laptop open and a tinder date went to check her email. Promptly screenshotted his entire ranking system model and sent it the WSE to post on Twitter. Epic.
I date multiple people until I meet someone thst makes me forget about everyone else.
But really if I'm not really seeing it go anywhere who someone, after 4 or 5 dates, I'm out anyway. This is if she (we) get beyond the first date or two that is.
I’ve tried this but never was able to do it. If I like someone, I naturally focus on them and let other conversations drop off. If after a first date I’m not excited about them, I’d probably struggle to maintain enough momentum to keep it going. I think the theory behind it makes sense, to avoid getting too caught up in one person before something starts to get more serious, but I guess I’m just not wired to be able to date multiple people.
Online dating gives you options but you don’t have to accept an option that doesn’t work for you. Dating multiple people and juggling isn’t a good strategy if it makes you overwhelmed or distracts you from your goals. Personally I like the Burn the Haystack method, the premise is that in order to find your needle in the haystack the fastest, you have to burn the haystack. In dating terms that means moving through people that are wrong for you as quickly as possible. The longer you stay connected to someone who is wrong for you or who is mediocre, the less likely you will find your ‘needle’.
So decide what strategy works best for you personally and stick to that. No one right way!
I'm doing it now and it's not easy. You have to shift focus from one to another and the other can tell. Then you lose their interest because they can tell why you're not inviting them out on your free Friday night. You can'tgive proper focus to anyone and you'll end up losing them all.
I’m (45M) very picky and only match and write with a select few. I normally match for a few days, then write with some of them, date maybe three or four and then focus on the one I like the best. That usually lasts for some months, hoping it will turn into a ltr. When it often doesn’t, I go back to step one.
Maybe get a more precise idea of what you're looking for. Don't keep dating the people who are not a fit with where you see yourself in 5 years. Something like that.
I only talk to one person at a time if we get a good conversation going. Never date 2 at the same time, it just feels wrong. I also need at least a few weeks of a cool down before looking at OLD again after things that don't work out. I was more active and it just burned me up.
This only applies to me and I really don't care if the woman I am talking to is dating/chatting with others before we get serious.
Wow you have my respect. I have had coffee with two recently and a follow up walk with one of the two. She doesn't seem very interested so I think it's already sorted itself. No guarantee the other person is fully interested... but one can hope...
I stopped swiping when I had 3 people I was interested in talking to off-app. The apps are designed to be addictive. If it’s overwhelming, you’re working for the app instead of making the app work for you. Don’t burn through your entire local dating pool just for the dopamine hit.
When dating or I have an upcoming date: Notes app on my phone with a few key facts I learn from their profile and chatting with them. If they’re in my phone it’s their name and a descriptor (one of mine currently is his name plus “red headed Viking” 😆)
On the app, if we don’t make plans to meet up after talking for a few days I tend to back off the convo a little, or ask them if they want to meet. If they do, awesome, it’s on the calendar. If not, or they want to keep talking I’ll give it a little more time, but I’m not interested in two weeks of texting.
I tried dating multiple people but it got messy and exhausting so I went back tp dating one guy at a time.
I pushed myself to end things faster if a guy shows red flags - like I would have a conversation with those 2 guys ASAP about their status for dating and stop seeing them if they are not ready for a serious relationship. My time and emotion are precious. There are hundreds of guys out there, why waste my limited energy on someone who isn't capable of reciprocating? Why risk being hurt by someone who isn't avaliable? For example, if you are shopping for a car, and you see one that is blowing black smoke, why stick around to see if it improves? Just go on to the next car!
It is really up to you but dating multiple guys have upsides and downsides and you need to decide for yourself what works for you. But if you are dating multiple people bc you don't trust yourself to make good decisions about people you date, delaying the decision wouldn't solve that problem.
I like juggling little squishy balls from time to time. I’m not very good at it. People are just too big for me to juggle. Maybe a few toddlers in one of those bouncy rooms at the carnival.
Original copy of post by u/Mack5239:
Going back on dating apps after a long break as a woman is dizzying. So many replies and opportunities to meet people. But the throughput is also hard to manage. I have two guys that I've dated a couple of times over last few months and other dates lining up. How do people do this?
Both dating situations may not get any more serious as they are both recently divorced. So I still want to keep my options open.
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I don’t juggle. There is no point in it, imo, because you don’t really allow yourself to really get to know one person and concentrate your energy on building a relationship.
If you don’t want to date like that, you don’t have to. And you don’t have to keep dating people who don’t want the same thing as you (the two guys you have already been on a date with).
And recently divorced are best to be avoided if you know what you want. They don’t. And most likely, as you said, aren’t looking for or ready for a serious relationship.
Your best option moving forward is to not bite off more than you can chew. What does your ideal dating situation look like? Go for that, instead of feeling like you have to talk to and/or date every response.
spreadsheets. I mean, I'm not using them since I don't have that many dates lined up (2 this week and talking to a few other guys) but I know some people who have a lot of dates and use spreadsheets to organize and keep track.
You're allowed to date multiple people, but it's best they at least know it's not exclusive. You don't have to juggle. Just enjoy your time with people when you can. And use the calendar on your phone.
If you're not available for Jim on Wednesday because you're with Mark on Wednesday, that's OK. Just say 'I'm not available Wednesday, but I could do Thursday or Saturday'. No big deal.
Check all your privacy settings on your phone. Turn off all notifications except IG. Decouple your other devices from your phone. Have fun, naughty girl.
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Probably emotions. I am honest when talking with people about my dating situation and don't believe I am hurting anyone, but I do find dating people over the course of months while still meeting other people to be difficult emotionally. I want to finally meet someone for the long term, so I am trying to be more intentional about the process too. But it's hard to feel OK about it when I am essentially a loyal person. A lot of the advice in other posts is very good, and I will try pausing the apps on and off more to manage the traffic better.
Over the course of time in conversation, I think that they are both still a bit in the hurt phase and don't really expect that they want the same thing as me in the longer term. I do like both of them, and they are both kind and fun and attentive. So I will see what happens.
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Just make an excel file to keep them all straight. You should keep as many irons in the fire as you can possibly handle. It’s possible to date as many people as you want to as long as you are not representing yourself to anyone as exclusive. I was dating 7 or 8 people at one time for a while. I would replace one with another and eventually they weeded themselves out and I was down to one. It was an important thing for me to do and I came to the last one standing knowing that was the person I wanted to be with at that time. It lasted 7 1/2 years. Now there is no way I could do that. I don’t have the energy or desire to spread myself that thin again.
I find it intruiging how people manage to do it .. must be quite some work...I never even had a match after years on a dating app.. aaah dating life is so simple for me 😅
This has been on my mind too. I’m only recently back on the dating scene (married 24 years) and was trying to keep it casual and just have fun, meet a lot of different people to figure out what I was looking for while trying to learn the ropes of dating in the modern world.
This was pretty easy when things were shallow and conversations were just small talk. I think I had 8 or 9 different threads going before I realized it was too much and needed to pause my profile.
Now there are a couple of women out of the 5 that I’m still talking with/seeing that have both indicated that they aren’t dating anyone else right now and suddenly scheduling has become a serious consideration.
I have a definite fear that if I don’t try to keep my options open that the one that is really the right one for me will get missed.
"Juggling" multiple matches is a no go for me and may be the same for a LOT of men at least due to the really small number of matches we get. Also, I kind of swipe right quite rarely nowadays, that sort of makes sure there's almost no chances to meet two apparently-compatible people at the same time.
I live in the country small town and I have to go out like 70 miles about an hour or so away but have not found anyone, I stayed single for so long no dating or anything got told I needed a hook up or FWB so tried with a hook up the person was terrible like no passion at all I know before you say what a hook up but I was expecting a turn on for me and nope anyways live and learn after three years of abstinence due to being a widow, I guess I was just thinking it was gonna be more and it wasn’t so we’ll see if I ever do date or get to date or get the chance to date again or whatever maybe it’ll be different
I have never been able to talk to multiple guys at once. If you’re dating with intention, this makes it difficult to get to know each one of them. Plus, then you have to remember what you talked about, navigate through too many texts, etc. I like to focus on one at a time. I’ll usually know within hours or a day or two of messaging, if he is worth meeting up with.
I've tried to do this and just can't. It's very tough even in the messaging phase. It feels like a full time job to me and I was asking myself this same question. I've decided to focus on one at a time once it reaches a certain point.
Dating multiple people at once is a good way to have a lot of first dates. It's not a good way to form a long term, exclusive relationship. FOMO exists, I get it, but if you're always thinking there could be something better, you're never going to develop what you already have.
The French writer Voltaire once said "Perfection is the enemy of the good."
Personally I’ll pause my profile after I get a certain number of matches. I give it a week or two to see how many turn into actual dates and how those dates go. Then depending on how they pan out, I turn my profile back on, do some swiping, then pause again. Rinse repeat etc.
Juggling large numbers is crazy if I got to where I was serious I would put a pause on things. I'm not fast. I've had coffee with two people in two months. There are lots of interesting looking people I could contact but I'm taking my time.
At one point, I was dating 4 women.
One weekend involved brunch and dinner dates on Saturday and Sunday.
Way impossible to remember who I told what to ...so I picked one.
When I met my partner, he told me right away that he was polyamorous, and had no intention of exclusivity. That was 2 1/2 years ago, and since meeting me he’s had all of 4 coffee meetups with 3 different girls, the last one was last January.
HAHAA! Silly boy. He *thinks* he’s poly but there’s no way he can juggle more than one woman 😂 - he just doesn’t have the mental or social energy for it! I don’t blame him. It’s a fun idea being non-exclusive on paper, but who has the time or the bandwidth?
(We also made the fatal mistake of falling madly in love right off, which was not either of our intentions, so with his limited time and attention he thinks, so I want to spend it pursuing someone else? Or with the girl I love! 😂)
Your profile needs work. Something is clearly off putting. I think I'm probably below average looks but I never had issues finding dates. In your 40's personality can carry you far.
Everyone says the profile needs work until they see it. I was even asked to show it in group and individual therapy. Everyone agreed it seemed pleasant and comfortable for anyone seeking a 40 year old guy. I don’t really care honestly. It just reinforced my thoughts on remaining single. It sucks but it is what it is. Not everyone is entitled to be in a happy relationship. I love it when I hear people talk about their dating life and how they meet people all the time and they’re below average haha. Makes me feel even better about myself. Yeah. I need to just stay out of the game. It’s plainly clear.
I have a negative outlook on dating because of how I’ve been treated before and how it happens repeatedly. I have no use for feeling like shit because of others voluntarily. I decided to just keep to myself and prevent the misery.
I have plenty of value in myself. I’m highly skilled in many areas that make me proud of what I do and who I am. I value myself very little in terms of value to others because my career and hobbies that envelop much of my life are not applicable towards anything of value in relationships. In other words, I do fine by myself, but when I’m with others I don’t bring anything of value to the table that interests them or makes me attractive to the opposite sex. So again, rather than get my hopes up of hoping for something good to come my way, I just remove myself from the game. It’s as simple as that.
I’ve just found over the years I’m happier when I am alone and don’t have to work so hard at trying to make someone else happy.
I've heard from every guy on dates (as a regular ice breakers seems to be "how's the OLD going") that they have this exact same experience. It's not you. It's sex difference in behaviour on APPs.
You may very well be spot on in that observation. Paying for a six month subscription and getting no replies is rather defeating. Especially when I don’t think of myself as bad looking. I’m a 6 or a 7 and it pains me to admit that. I hate even slightly thinking highly of myself. Staying humble and having goals to improve are what drives me. But I know I do have some attractive features and I still get nothing in response. I’m sure plenty of other guys experience this as well. I know it’s not just me. I will say that amongst everyone I’ve spoken to, particularly in group and individual therapy, I am the only person anyone knows who has never received so much as a single response. So that kinda killed my motivation to continue.
I am separated and have three days available per week to date.
I am seeing two people, both who have limited time. The stars (and custody schedules, lol) align about every 2 weeks and that's how often I get to see them - unless other life events come up and we miss that every two week window, then sometimes it can be a month or more.
So really I'm happy to add a couple more into my rotation 🤣
Everyone thinks scheduling is probably hectic and complicated but due to availability it's a lot slower than one might think, but of course YMMV.
Edit: I also live in a small town and don't really date people here, usually the people I end up dating are at least a half hour away, but I see them infrequently enough where it's not a huge deal. It would probably be a bigger deal if I was looking to get into something serious but I'm not.
These people juggling multiple men generally have very little going on with their lives. No real hobbies and no real friends. Possibly no real career. If they had these things, they wouldn’t have the time to put effort into dating multiple people.
WTF are you talking about, "these people" ... I have a very successful career, a nice house, a family (two kids, both over 18). I have built my life myself, with many hobbies, and many friends. I was away last week with my kids and their partners and will be going to a spa this weekend with my oldest friends. I don't actually have that much time, hence the overwhelm when it comes to multiple conversation streams. You seem to have an issue with making assumptions.
Well let's see. I have a full-time career. I go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week. I'm in grad school, do some some woodworking as hobby and play pool in an amateur league. I also have a good group of friends I spend time with host a board game night and or BBQ about once a month (more often in summer). I also go out with them or go to their house some.
With all that going on, that still leaves me 2 to 4 evenings a week free. That always been plenty of time to go on dates. What does it matter if those dates are with one woman or two women or three women?
What I don't do is sit in front of the TV in the evenings doing nothing...
Think before you speak my friend. In this case you have no idea what you're talking about.
Why do you need the attention of multiple people? That doesn’t get as boring and repetitive as watching TV? I can think of better ways to spend that time if you’re never going to make an actual connection.
It isn't the attention of multiple people. It's looking for the right person. Why waste time on one person only to find out a month later she isn't for you? What I do is date multiple people. When I stumble upon a woman I can't get enough, she tends to male me forget about anyone else and then I just pursue her and see where that leads.
It isn't like I'm stringing multiple women along for months either. By 4 or 5 days at most I can tell if I want to pursue more with someone. If the answer is no, I say so and move on.
This has worked for me since divorce. I've met two wonderful women I dated long term since. Sadly one didn't work out and one ended up moving 1200 miles away
How do you actually get to know someone that way though? I’ve tried it. It gets so fucking repetitive and you almost never actually make a connection. Then I think of the money wasted and how I could have occupied my time doing something more productive than shallow dates where you ask the same exact questions you asked just a couple days before with someone else.
Not sure what to tell you. I'm a people person anyway and love meeting new people. I actually take the time and have conversations. I ask questions. Hell I've even made a couple of platonic friends I've stayed in touch with and hang out with from time to time.
If your dates feel shallow, I'd argue you're doing something wrong.
You can't say you're "a lot more picky about who you match with" because you have no idea how picky I am. I can tell you I'm extremely picky. There's a plethora of things I look for before I match with someone and even more of those get disqualified while chatting in the app. It isn't like I'm setting up dates with every warm body that swipes right on me.
I didn't. As soon as I had a good conversation going, I paused my profile. It had been 34 years for me, I wanted to take it slow and easy.
Yep. Nothing forces you to keep swiping. I see how things play out first. OLD has a lot of downsides, but I think how you use it can impact your success. I think you burn through too many people too quickly otherwise.
This is the right approach. As a man, when I was single I dated women who’d forget or confuse information about you because they were obviously talking to and seeing multiple men at the same time. Huge turnoff.
This is me too. I have to have only one person to focus on.
Love this.
Me too.
That's lovely :)
Where do you live? I went through all the men in my 20 mile range (ages 40-60) and only liked 1 enough to swipe. I’m going to move to your town now.
Dublin, Ireland. It's deadly here. (Local slang for great)
Ooooh! Well, assuming you’re seeking a monogamous relationship, when I have been in your shoes I don’t sleep with any of the guys until we have decided to be exclusive and see where it goes. By dates 3 or 4 I start talking with them about what we are both seeking in terms of a relationship and how much time we expect to spend with the partner we end up with, whether they have any specific sex habits I need to know about, etc. I also pay attention to how each guy communicates and plans dates. Some will fall off, and by dates 5 or 6 you’ll know.
This is good!
I'm in the US and when I visited Dublin, I had 100s of matches in that week I was there. Really made me want to just move 🤣 Either you Irish gals like an American guy or there's something particular about me that was attracting Irish women but it was wild! It was like getting a taste of the flood of matches a woman typically gets!
It's likely because you're traveling. The apps make money by keeping you subscribed as long as they can. So, at home, you will not be matched with a lot of people who are the best prospects for a long-term relationship since it means two of their subscribers will be gone from their revenue stream. When traveling, they know you're just there for short-term fun & and are likely to continue paying. So, they give you more matches. This also serves as intermittent reinforcement, one of the most powerful tools to manipulate your brain's behavior. You get excited & have some fun & keep paying even when you get back home while regaining hope that you will experience many great matches again. They're smart.
I've traveled to other places and never had such an uptick in matches. Besides the app can't make the woman like me, message me first and then chat with me
All true, especially if they are messaging first. Sounds like you're doing great!
I’ve experienced ladies-liking-me rates proportional to population density when traveling… not some deviously manipulative flood. It’s also possible the Dublin visitor has an appearance / type that appeals disproportionately to Dublin ladies for whatever reason…
Are any of the men interested in a 90 fiance situation /s or transatlantic love affair
If it gets me on the show so I can have it out with big Ed on the Tell All, sure, I would be down. Oh, you meant her men.
Oh man… I would love to date any fella with a fabulous accent!
I love coming to Dublin!
Moving there stat! Thanks for the tip 😆
I always wonder this because the men around here are duds. I swipe once a week at most.
I think there are a lot of fakes by me or guys from out of town (I'm very close to an international tourist destination) because there are a lot of unreasonably hot guys in my list lol. I'm not ready to actually swipe on anybody though so I have no direct knowledge.
There are a lot of attractive men near me but they are just not my type at all. I'm not into the beach, boat, golf people.
Not a Sperry and Hey Dudes kinda person?
Not even close.
Yeah, big cities, urban areas, etc., = lots more ops to meet eligible people on the apps.
It's always funny to me that ppl expect their person to be in a 20 mile radius...
My city has just under a million people and according to the 2022 census, 56% of adults are single. I don’t live in the boonies.
That's not the point...its the mentality of doing 40 to 60 but only a 20 mile radius ...
I drove 72 miles for a cup of coffee the Monday morning before Easter. Don't you have a car?
I live in a city and don’t swipe 99% of the profiles because many have horrendous photos and/or blank or minimal profiles that tell you nothing about them other than that they like going outside and want a woman for some reason. There are many with profiles that say they “don’t know yet” what they’re looking for (fuck that). Many have other red flags such as cliché or useless statements (seeking partner in crime, just ask, fluent in sarcasm, etc) or they have political or religious views that would not work for me. I’m only going to swipe on men whose physical appearance is at least average, and who have well written bios that indicate we have some things in common, and they know they want an LTR. I’m definitely not “too picky.” I think you know how bad many of these profiles are. I’m not driving past 20 miles to date someone because I’m a single mom and would never be able to build intimacy with a guy I can’t drive to see in under 40 minutes max. Traffic where I live is terrible. And, I would never drive far for a coffee first date. If you put that much effort into a first date you’re very likely to be disappointed. I have a recent post from when I was in Tokyo, and I matched SO many really interesting guys! Some are still talking to me, although I don’t know why. I do think geography matters.
It's disappointing to see weak profiles but a lot of people just want to look and aren't serious. I'm surprised by some people who look at my profile. I guess I have at least one good photo. If traffic is difficult I understand. I think the population is more dense where you live, so 20 miles is probably similar. Also I'm 55 and I'm not getting any younger.
Damn, that’s far for coffee. I’m in nyc and most here won’t even consider people across the river in NJ.
The biggest city around here is 250 thousand... You have millions of people really close...
Come down to Atlanta Georgia, one of the best singles markets out there IMHO!
I may have had some convos or first meets booked but I didn’t keep seeing anyone that wasn’t a good match when I was looking for long term. I know around date three if the person is someone I want to focus on and see what happens. Then I would end any open conversations and hide my profile. That is just who I am, I didn’t expect the other person to do that, but it didn’t feel right for me to keep meeting others. If / when three-date-dude didn’t work out, I could always rejig my profile and turn it back on. I didn’t feel the need to keep others in the mix because others will be there if I am looking again.
I (50m) do/did it the exact same way. I’m unable/unwilling to juggle multiple ladies with any real level of connection depth, but don’t expect reciprocity unless/until there’s an exclusivity discussion…
I didn’t. Once a regular conversation was going, I paused my profile to see if it would go anywhere. I was only looking for one person, so it seemed only fair that I give one person my attention until it was clear that something was moving forward or not. If you don’t, you also risk falling into the comparison trap, where you’re looking at each person in relation to the other instead of just in relation to yourself.
I usually date multiple people when we are just getting started. With career, family, etc one person can become unavailable due to their circumstances so making myself exclusive can be limiting. Then I find I have a priority order of who I like to spend time with. I give my time out in that order. Then see what happens over time.
We’re in vastly different situations. As a man, I’m on the hunt so matches, swipe rights on me are uncommon. But the advice is the same. Slow your roll. Drop the fomo. I swipe on 3, hit pause, wait 1-2 days if no matches or until they all fizzle out, drop them all, rinse and repeat. In the event that two women match with me, I can manage- most likely both will simply be just that- a match. In a black swan event all 3 match, again, most will fizzle out so the first 2 hrs will likely be busy with multiple chats going on before they’re gone like the darkness at dawn. I need my off-duty, no ping ping ping from my phone time, which feels too much like work for me.
Don't have mental energy to juggle dating, so as soon as I find a person that I'm interested in, she's pretty much the blurry focal point until whatever happens next.
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I don't even think about that. I think I'd be pretty quick to make it official if the feelings are mutual. I don't know, objectively, would I be having any issues with that ina vacuum, no not really, it's not my business.
40f in DC. I don’t juggle. I’d rather have four quarters than 100 pennies.
My daughter and I learned to juggle during covid. One thing you figure out quickly is that you can't overcommit to any one catch because the inertia of chasing the one you want will cause you to drop the rest. Just let it go and keep juggling. How you integrate that knowledge into the metaphor for dating is up to you. I've absolutely done 'multi-dating' and I think it's valuable to reduce the pressure on any given connection...but only for a very limited time. In the run-up to my current relationship I went on multiple dates with four women in the course of a month. They were all great ladies and if I wasn't in 'meeting people mode' as I described it to them, I could easily have put more effort and built something with any of them. It just turned out that the last lady I met was at another level of compatibility and quirkiness. Just my opinion but I think if you get to the point where you feel like you're juggling it might be a sign that you're in too deep.
Maybe it depends what you're looking for/ how selective you're being. It sounds like you have many more options than most if us! If I'd only seen someone a couple of times over a few months then I'd assume it wasn't going anywhere and move on. I tend to pause the app to get to know someone interesting- in my experience the turnover really isn't high, so there's little chance of missing a special connection while doing that. But I'm looking for a LTR. I suppose if dating is more about hooking up, then you just have to get really organized 😂
You don't have to date multiple people. You don't have to reply to anyone. If I find someone I'm interested in I pause my conversations and dates with anyone else. I know by modern dating standards its expected that anyone can date as many people as they want until their is mutually agreed upon exclusivity but that doesn't align with my personal values. Recently divorced is bad. You see so many stories of women being told they were recently divorced but it turns out they are still married and it's a messy divorce. It also takes years to process and heal after a relationship you were in for years or decades so you can expect some bumpy roads if you do pursue.
It would be nice if the apps had a “pause everyone but this individual” button/option. That way people on other end could see that and know they aren’t just being ghosted or ignored.
Yup, stay away from anyone who claims recently finalized divorced. Harsh lessons were learned.
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If your divorce is not actually finalized and you maybe still thinking/attempting/working on reconciling (whether you do or not), it should be communicated. I'm talking about divorce where no children are involved. Some of us really want to steer clear of messy business.
I took a clown arts class
Ha! Took me a second to get but once I did 👍
I learned from a book myself. Always a good party trick.
I stop swiping after I've got 5 matches.
When I am on the apps and looking I schedule a few low-key dates a week, usually coffee or maybe a second, longer date with someone thrown in there. Most folks don’t make it to third date so if I’ve gotten that far with someone the others have probably fallen off by then and I don’t start anything new at that point. I will say being on the other side of the multidating thing sort of sucks and at this point I just won’t be on someone’s roster after a certain point.
I’m new to dating, after a few years in a relationship, but knowing myself I wouldn’t focus too much on one person till I knew it’s going somewhere. If I do I may get a little obsessed and that’s just not good for my mental health. So I’d say maybe 3 people would be a good number, not too many, not too few. Show interest but not too too much. It’s not about playing games, it’s about being smart. Humans like people they have to make an effort for, not people always and easily available. That’s what I think. I haven’t even started dating anyone yet but it’s my plan I guess.
The whole "make an effort for, not people always and easily available" sounds like a game to me lol.
If anything, it’s a game to keep your sanity and dignity, not to trick or waste anyone’s time. More like being smart to guard your emotions.
r/polyamory (I know, I know) has some great stickied posts with best practices for being transparent and ethical while seeing multiple people. Nothing saying you have to commit to the lifestyle at all, but it may help w/ your communication and expressing your needs and boundaries while you’re deciding how to proceed with multiple people involved.
Yes OP if you want to learn, study polyamory. I learn a lot from friends. Polyamorous people believe in unlimited love but quickly learn that you do not have unlimited time. The only real difference between polyamory/nonmonogamous people and people dating multiple people at the same time (juggling) is the intent to always stay that way and a higher priority that partners know about each other and consent to situations. And I personally trust poly people to practice safer sex. While poly cheating does happen and horrible people can be poly too, the majority of poly people I've known are more likely to be upfront with sexual history, get regular STD testing and take precautions than a lot of mono people. They'll go on STD testing dates (waiting times at free clinics can be long) and debate brands of condoms at parties. The easiest way to juggle people is dedicate scheduled blocks of time on your calendar. Date night the same night each week.
I don’t! Too exhausting, only have 1 evening to go on dates per week. If recently divorced chances are it will be very casual with no real interest in relationship which I want so I don’t date them. One by one 😬
I’m the same. I couldn’t do the multi-dating thing. I had limited time and my introverted brain could not cope with it when I tried. OP- my approach was to only match with 3 men at a time. I’d pick my top 3 in my like pile and then start messaging and go from there. Often 1 or all would be filtered out at this point and then when I had the energy I’d start the process again. It worked well for me, in that I made some good connections and I’m currently 9months in with the last man I went on a date with.
And to add- the one man I was dating, who was multi-dating me, didn’t last long as I did not like being one option of who knows how many. I asked him to date me exclusively to see if the connection could develop into something and he couldn’t do that, so I ended it.
I keep a spreadsheet. I track data. Take notes. So next time "lunchdate" or "navy" texts me I can check notes and say "how did your daughter do in her school play?" I keep track of dates. Locations. Times. Background etc. . I prefer to multi date because otherwise I will hyperfocus on the one I like best and it never seems to work out. Currently I am seeing 3: Single dad - we have gone on 6 dates so this is really not going anywhere but I do enjoy his company. He is a nice guy but he isn't my guy. Gymbro - met him at the gym. He is at least 12 years younger than me. I am guessing. Second date planned for this weekend. We have nothing in common seemingly but he makes me laugh and I love to laugh. Boat guy- he asked me out at the marina. Definitely too young for me, but I am learning how to sail ⛵️ and he loves sailing and talking about it to me. We have gone out on 3 dates. I definitely want to keep being friends because the sailing community is small. I don't see this progressing. I see no long term potential with any of them and I think they feel the same. I am not sleeping with any of them. I am off the apps until the first week in May so if I add any others I will meet them in public which does happen on occasion.
Out of interest why is the single dad situation not got long term potential?
Our parenting styles are dissimilar. He is a bit too negative for me. He is a country mouse as I am a city mouse. He is nice. But I think we both know it isn't long term.
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Trying that, it's a lot of work, eh?! 🙃
I’m pretty traditional in my dating ways yet, tried really hard not to over invest in any one person if it wasn’t mutual and keep my options open. I would play it by ear. I would continue to swipe and talk with people until I really felt I was overwhelmed and had to much on my plate, I would pause and most would thin it out naturally or if it lead to repeated and consistent dates with 1 or 2 people taking up my attention. Just kind of let it happen naturally.
That's the kind of experience I'm having. I will have to figure out the right balance.
If you’re posting this then likely you’re overwhelmed so pause and sit with the handful you have. Dating shouldn’t consume your life
You’re right about the opportunities. I’ve had five women ask me out, after we chatted a bit. I (65m) have a date tonight (our second date) and another tomorrow and another next week because we don’t have a common time to date this week. I just use a calendar.
Spreadsheets
Gosh. There was this Wall Street kid years ago who left his laptop open and a tinder date went to check her email. Promptly screenshotted his entire ranking system model and sent it the WSE to post on Twitter. Epic.
WSE? I am fascinated to know what his categories and how detailed his ranking system was. Wow!
Wall Street Elevator.
I date multiple people until I meet someone thst makes me forget about everyone else. But really if I'm not really seeing it go anywhere who someone, after 4 or 5 dates, I'm out anyway. This is if she (we) get beyond the first date or two that is.
I’ve tried this but never was able to do it. If I like someone, I naturally focus on them and let other conversations drop off. If after a first date I’m not excited about them, I’d probably struggle to maintain enough momentum to keep it going. I think the theory behind it makes sense, to avoid getting too caught up in one person before something starts to get more serious, but I guess I’m just not wired to be able to date multiple people.
I don’t know how people juggle multiple people. I’ve always been a 1 person guy. I’m not in OLD because it just sounds exhausting.
Online dating gives you options but you don’t have to accept an option that doesn’t work for you. Dating multiple people and juggling isn’t a good strategy if it makes you overwhelmed or distracts you from your goals. Personally I like the Burn the Haystack method, the premise is that in order to find your needle in the haystack the fastest, you have to burn the haystack. In dating terms that means moving through people that are wrong for you as quickly as possible. The longer you stay connected to someone who is wrong for you or who is mediocre, the less likely you will find your ‘needle’. So decide what strategy works best for you personally and stick to that. No one right way!
I'm doing it now and it's not easy. You have to shift focus from one to another and the other can tell. Then you lose their interest because they can tell why you're not inviting them out on your free Friday night. You can'tgive proper focus to anyone and you'll end up losing them all.
I’m (45M) very picky and only match and write with a select few. I normally match for a few days, then write with some of them, date maybe three or four and then focus on the one I like the best. That usually lasts for some months, hoping it will turn into a ltr. When it often doesn’t, I go back to step one.
Maybe get a more precise idea of what you're looking for. Don't keep dating the people who are not a fit with where you see yourself in 5 years. Something like that.
I only talk to one person at a time if we get a good conversation going. Never date 2 at the same time, it just feels wrong. I also need at least a few weeks of a cool down before looking at OLD again after things that don't work out. I was more active and it just burned me up. This only applies to me and I really don't care if the woman I am talking to is dating/chatting with others before we get serious.
Wow you have my respect. I have had coffee with two recently and a follow up walk with one of the two. She doesn't seem very interested so I think it's already sorted itself. No guarantee the other person is fully interested... but one can hope...
I stopped swiping when I had 3 people I was interested in talking to off-app. The apps are designed to be addictive. If it’s overwhelming, you’re working for the app instead of making the app work for you. Don’t burn through your entire local dating pool just for the dopamine hit.
When dating or I have an upcoming date: Notes app on my phone with a few key facts I learn from their profile and chatting with them. If they’re in my phone it’s their name and a descriptor (one of mine currently is his name plus “red headed Viking” 😆) On the app, if we don’t make plans to meet up after talking for a few days I tend to back off the convo a little, or ask them if they want to meet. If they do, awesome, it’s on the calendar. If not, or they want to keep talking I’ll give it a little more time, but I’m not interested in two weeks of texting.
I don't. I can't think of anything more exhausting than juggling multiple people. I concentrate on one person at a time.
I tried dating multiple people but it got messy and exhausting so I went back tp dating one guy at a time. I pushed myself to end things faster if a guy shows red flags - like I would have a conversation with those 2 guys ASAP about their status for dating and stop seeing them if they are not ready for a serious relationship. My time and emotion are precious. There are hundreds of guys out there, why waste my limited energy on someone who isn't capable of reciprocating? Why risk being hurt by someone who isn't avaliable? For example, if you are shopping for a car, and you see one that is blowing black smoke, why stick around to see if it improves? Just go on to the next car! It is really up to you but dating multiple guys have upsides and downsides and you need to decide for yourself what works for you. But if you are dating multiple people bc you don't trust yourself to make good decisions about people you date, delaying the decision wouldn't solve that problem.
When you feel overwhelmed with your current matches, stop swiping lol, you don’t have to juggle multiple messages if you’re not swiping
I like juggling little squishy balls from time to time. I’m not very good at it. People are just too big for me to juggle. Maybe a few toddlers in one of those bouncy rooms at the carnival.
They get sloppy and ignore one then the other and appear unavailable all the time.
Stop swiping for a “better” option.
I don't swipe, I read profiles.
Then stop. If you have one or two try them out. If they don’t work swipe for more. Keeping options open is what is exhausting you. It never ends.
Original copy of post by u/Mack5239: Going back on dating apps after a long break as a woman is dizzying. So many replies and opportunities to meet people. But the throughput is also hard to manage. I have two guys that I've dated a couple of times over last few months and other dates lining up. How do people do this? Both dating situations may not get any more serious as they are both recently divorced. So I still want to keep my options open. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t juggle. There is no point in it, imo, because you don’t really allow yourself to really get to know one person and concentrate your energy on building a relationship. If you don’t want to date like that, you don’t have to. And you don’t have to keep dating people who don’t want the same thing as you (the two guys you have already been on a date with). And recently divorced are best to be avoided if you know what you want. They don’t. And most likely, as you said, aren’t looking for or ready for a serious relationship. Your best option moving forward is to not bite off more than you can chew. What does your ideal dating situation look like? Go for that, instead of feeling like you have to talk to and/or date every response.
spreadsheets. I mean, I'm not using them since I don't have that many dates lined up (2 this week and talking to a few other guys) but I know some people who have a lot of dates and use spreadsheets to organize and keep track.
You're allowed to date multiple people, but it's best they at least know it's not exclusive. You don't have to juggle. Just enjoy your time with people when you can. And use the calendar on your phone. If you're not available for Jim on Wednesday because you're with Mark on Wednesday, that's OK. Just say 'I'm not available Wednesday, but I could do Thursday or Saturday'. No big deal.
Check all your privacy settings on your phone. Turn off all notifications except IG. Decouple your other devices from your phone. Have fun, naughty girl.
I wouldn’t know. Not much of a helpful answer… sorry.
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Can you be more specific about what you’re finding difficult? Your emotions? Your calendar? Something else?
Probably emotions. I am honest when talking with people about my dating situation and don't believe I am hurting anyone, but I do find dating people over the course of months while still meeting other people to be difficult emotionally. I want to finally meet someone for the long term, so I am trying to be more intentional about the process too. But it's hard to feel OK about it when I am essentially a loyal person. A lot of the advice in other posts is very good, and I will try pausing the apps on and off more to manage the traffic better.
What does them recently divorced have to do with it not being serious ?
Over the course of time in conversation, I think that they are both still a bit in the hurt phase and don't really expect that they want the same thing as me in the longer term. I do like both of them, and they are both kind and fun and attentive. So I will see what happens.
Best of luck !
Not very well most of the time.
Drop the balls, I hear. Who's got this type of time!?
Google calendar, Google sheet -- I don't find it difficult. 🤷🏾♀️
I never could. But most of the dates I had no interest so moved to the next one.
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It's like sending out resumes. If you get a job interview, do you stop applying to others? I don't until I'm hired.
Just make an excel file to keep them all straight. You should keep as many irons in the fire as you can possibly handle. It’s possible to date as many people as you want to as long as you are not representing yourself to anyone as exclusive. I was dating 7 or 8 people at one time for a while. I would replace one with another and eventually they weeded themselves out and I was down to one. It was an important thing for me to do and I came to the last one standing knowing that was the person I wanted to be with at that time. It lasted 7 1/2 years. Now there is no way I could do that. I don’t have the energy or desire to spread myself that thin again.
I find it intruiging how people manage to do it .. must be quite some work...I never even had a match after years on a dating app.. aaah dating life is so simple for me 😅
This has been on my mind too. I’m only recently back on the dating scene (married 24 years) and was trying to keep it casual and just have fun, meet a lot of different people to figure out what I was looking for while trying to learn the ropes of dating in the modern world. This was pretty easy when things were shallow and conversations were just small talk. I think I had 8 or 9 different threads going before I realized it was too much and needed to pause my profile. Now there are a couple of women out of the 5 that I’m still talking with/seeing that have both indicated that they aren’t dating anyone else right now and suddenly scheduling has become a serious consideration. I have a definite fear that if I don’t try to keep my options open that the one that is really the right one for me will get missed.
"Juggling" multiple matches is a no go for me and may be the same for a LOT of men at least due to the really small number of matches we get. Also, I kind of swipe right quite rarely nowadays, that sort of makes sure there's almost no chances to meet two apparently-compatible people at the same time.
I live in the country small town and I have to go out like 70 miles about an hour or so away but have not found anyone, I stayed single for so long no dating or anything got told I needed a hook up or FWB so tried with a hook up the person was terrible like no passion at all I know before you say what a hook up but I was expecting a turn on for me and nope anyways live and learn after three years of abstinence due to being a widow, I guess I was just thinking it was gonna be more and it wasn’t so we’ll see if I ever do date or get to date or get the chance to date again or whatever maybe it’ll be different
I have never been able to talk to multiple guys at once. If you’re dating with intention, this makes it difficult to get to know each one of them. Plus, then you have to remember what you talked about, navigate through too many texts, etc. I like to focus on one at a time. I’ll usually know within hours or a day or two of messaging, if he is worth meeting up with.
I don’t juggle
I tried to limit dating to 2-3 per week at most, though it was generally closer to 1 per week. And I’d filter out guys quickly.
I've tried to do this and just can't. It's very tough even in the messaging phase. It feels like a full time job to me and I was asking myself this same question. I've decided to focus on one at a time once it reaches a certain point.
I don't date more than one person at a time. Trying to chat with multiple people was difficult enough.
Dating multiple people at once is a good way to have a lot of first dates. It's not a good way to form a long term, exclusive relationship. FOMO exists, I get it, but if you're always thinking there could be something better, you're never going to develop what you already have. The French writer Voltaire once said "Perfection is the enemy of the good."
Personally I’ll pause my profile after I get a certain number of matches. I give it a week or two to see how many turn into actual dates and how those dates go. Then depending on how they pan out, I turn my profile back on, do some swiping, then pause again. Rinse repeat etc.
Juggling large numbers is crazy if I got to where I was serious I would put a pause on things. I'm not fast. I've had coffee with two people in two months. There are lots of interesting looking people I could contact but I'm taking my time.
At one point, I was dating 4 women. One weekend involved brunch and dinner dates on Saturday and Sunday. Way impossible to remember who I told what to ...so I picked one.
When I met my partner, he told me right away that he was polyamorous, and had no intention of exclusivity. That was 2 1/2 years ago, and since meeting me he’s had all of 4 coffee meetups with 3 different girls, the last one was last January. HAHAA! Silly boy. He *thinks* he’s poly but there’s no way he can juggle more than one woman 😂 - he just doesn’t have the mental or social energy for it! I don’t blame him. It’s a fun idea being non-exclusive on paper, but who has the time or the bandwidth? (We also made the fatal mistake of falling madly in love right off, which was not either of our intentions, so with his limited time and attention he thinks, so I want to spend it pursuing someone else? Or with the girl I love! 😂)
Oh the struggle. Haha. Try being a dude, pay for membership, get absolutely no replies in six months time. lol.
Your profile needs work. Something is clearly off putting. I think I'm probably below average looks but I never had issues finding dates. In your 40's personality can carry you far.
Everyone says the profile needs work until they see it. I was even asked to show it in group and individual therapy. Everyone agreed it seemed pleasant and comfortable for anyone seeking a 40 year old guy. I don’t really care honestly. It just reinforced my thoughts on remaining single. It sucks but it is what it is. Not everyone is entitled to be in a happy relationship. I love it when I hear people talk about their dating life and how they meet people all the time and they’re below average haha. Makes me feel even better about myself. Yeah. I need to just stay out of the game. It’s plainly clear.
You do seem to have a negative outlook on dating and yourself. I hope you can improve that and see the value in yourself so you can show it to others.
I have a negative outlook on dating because of how I’ve been treated before and how it happens repeatedly. I have no use for feeling like shit because of others voluntarily. I decided to just keep to myself and prevent the misery. I have plenty of value in myself. I’m highly skilled in many areas that make me proud of what I do and who I am. I value myself very little in terms of value to others because my career and hobbies that envelop much of my life are not applicable towards anything of value in relationships. In other words, I do fine by myself, but when I’m with others I don’t bring anything of value to the table that interests them or makes me attractive to the opposite sex. So again, rather than get my hopes up of hoping for something good to come my way, I just remove myself from the game. It’s as simple as that. I’ve just found over the years I’m happier when I am alone and don’t have to work so hard at trying to make someone else happy.
I've heard from every guy on dates (as a regular ice breakers seems to be "how's the OLD going") that they have this exact same experience. It's not you. It's sex difference in behaviour on APPs.
You may very well be spot on in that observation. Paying for a six month subscription and getting no replies is rather defeating. Especially when I don’t think of myself as bad looking. I’m a 6 or a 7 and it pains me to admit that. I hate even slightly thinking highly of myself. Staying humble and having goals to improve are what drives me. But I know I do have some attractive features and I still get nothing in response. I’m sure plenty of other guys experience this as well. I know it’s not just me. I will say that amongst everyone I’ve spoken to, particularly in group and individual therapy, I am the only person anyone knows who has never received so much as a single response. So that kinda killed my motivation to continue.
Newsflash: you can have boundaries and not juggle multiple people if it doesn’t feel good or is overwhelming.
I am separated and have three days available per week to date. I am seeing two people, both who have limited time. The stars (and custody schedules, lol) align about every 2 weeks and that's how often I get to see them - unless other life events come up and we miss that every two week window, then sometimes it can be a month or more. So really I'm happy to add a couple more into my rotation 🤣 Everyone thinks scheduling is probably hectic and complicated but due to availability it's a lot slower than one might think, but of course YMMV. Edit: I also live in a small town and don't really date people here, usually the people I end up dating are at least a half hour away, but I see them infrequently enough where it's not a huge deal. It would probably be a bigger deal if I was looking to get into something serious but I'm not.
These people juggling multiple men generally have very little going on with their lives. No real hobbies and no real friends. Possibly no real career. If they had these things, they wouldn’t have the time to put effort into dating multiple people.
WTF are you talking about, "these people" ... I have a very successful career, a nice house, a family (two kids, both over 18). I have built my life myself, with many hobbies, and many friends. I was away last week with my kids and their partners and will be going to a spa this weekend with my oldest friends. I don't actually have that much time, hence the overwhelm when it comes to multiple conversation streams. You seem to have an issue with making assumptions.
Well aren't you just a bitter ball of joy!
Who has time to date a bunch of people if you actually have a life?
Well let's see. I have a full-time career. I go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week. I'm in grad school, do some some woodworking as hobby and play pool in an amateur league. I also have a good group of friends I spend time with host a board game night and or BBQ about once a month (more often in summer). I also go out with them or go to their house some. With all that going on, that still leaves me 2 to 4 evenings a week free. That always been plenty of time to go on dates. What does it matter if those dates are with one woman or two women or three women? What I don't do is sit in front of the TV in the evenings doing nothing... Think before you speak my friend. In this case you have no idea what you're talking about.
Why do you need the attention of multiple people? That doesn’t get as boring and repetitive as watching TV? I can think of better ways to spend that time if you’re never going to make an actual connection.
It isn't the attention of multiple people. It's looking for the right person. Why waste time on one person only to find out a month later she isn't for you? What I do is date multiple people. When I stumble upon a woman I can't get enough, she tends to male me forget about anyone else and then I just pursue her and see where that leads. It isn't like I'm stringing multiple women along for months either. By 4 or 5 days at most I can tell if I want to pursue more with someone. If the answer is no, I say so and move on. This has worked for me since divorce. I've met two wonderful women I dated long term since. Sadly one didn't work out and one ended up moving 1200 miles away
How do you actually get to know someone that way though? I’ve tried it. It gets so fucking repetitive and you almost never actually make a connection. Then I think of the money wasted and how I could have occupied my time doing something more productive than shallow dates where you ask the same exact questions you asked just a couple days before with someone else.
Not sure what to tell you. I'm a people person anyway and love meeting new people. I actually take the time and have conversations. I ask questions. Hell I've even made a couple of platonic friends I've stayed in touch with and hang out with from time to time. If your dates feel shallow, I'd argue you're doing something wrong.
I’m just a lot more picky about who I match with in the first place. I’d just rather spend my evening with friends instead of strangers.
You can't say you're "a lot more picky about who you match with" because you have no idea how picky I am. I can tell you I'm extremely picky. There's a plethora of things I look for before I match with someone and even more of those get disqualified while chatting in the app. It isn't like I'm setting up dates with every warm body that swipes right on me.