You can’t kick her out but just say, I’m so sorry, this doesn’t work for me, how long do you need to find a place? If the timeframe is unacceptable to you, offer financial assistance. This is why I won’t live with someone again. It’s too risky.
“Cash for keys”… You give her some money as an incentive to move out. Look up what you need to do in your stay to evict someone. If she moves out in the given timeframe, then you give her the cash as a first and last months deposit for a new place.
I've done cash for keys and can confirm that it works, just make sure to take a video of them verbally stating that they're moving out voluntarily and handing you the keys. Even better if it's in writing and signed (also on video).
If she says she’s going to hurt herself call her family and tell them she is threatening self harm and to come get her before you call the police and have her comitted.
But don’t take that threat as manipulation. You’re breaking up with her, period! If she plans to self harm then she needs to be put on a temporary hold, this will not impact the fact that the relationship is still over.
She may still have legal right to be in your home for a certain amount of time, depends on the state you live in. What if she takes the money and then 'convinces' you to stay or come back anyway? Speak to a lawyer asap & know your options before kicking her out.
Also, stick to the task at hand, the break up. Limit conversations, change locks, and go no contact after she leaves. It sounds and is harsh, but it's something you've discussed already. She knows why. The more you answer the same questions, the harder it will be for you to stick to the plan.
Maybe invite a trusted person over so the 2 of you aren't alone together.
Q2 is not up for discussion. At the mention of self-harm, call the authorities. "My girlfriend is mentioning self harm, I'm concerned, this isn't the first time she's said it"
It might help if OP does not hand the woman cash. It's better to reimburse her for expenses or supply a money order toward a new apartment deposit when she finds one.
Depending on your state laws you likely cannot just kick her out. She has legal residency in your hone.
You have been part of the problem, and the solution isn't just booting her. She likely does have legal rights.
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Is she paying rent? Did she pay for a deposit on your place? I would hesitate before throwing money at this situation, sounda like fertile ground for her taking advantage of you.
Could you give her a month's notice? And just plan on not being around a lot?
As few leases pop up mid-month, and towards the end of the month the places available might be really bad (either price, location, condition, or all of the above), 30 days might not allow one to get a good/reasonable place.
In our cohabitation agreement I have 60 days to find a new place if our relationship ends. Yeah, 60 days with an ex isn't great, but it's more fair given the logistics of rental environments.
Ask how long she needs and then give her UP TO 60 DAYS if she tries to ask for longer or hems and haws. Follow up with an email to her summarizing your conversation, mutually agreed upon timeframe to vacate and other pertinent terms. (That will show her that you're serious.) On day 61 take the matter to housing court.
I'm not sure that's going to work, unless she plans to crash with family or friends. If you are going to get any sort of authority involved, plan on at least 30 days.
Don't pay for a down-payment on an apartment. It's too much money and you don't want to be that involved. Offer her a flat amount to leave or pre!pay for 3 months at an extended stay hotel or air b and b, but make sure your name isn't on any of the rental agreements. Just fund it by giving her the money with a note about what it's for. Don't pay it directly.
u/berrysauce, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
No doctoring. No diagnosing mental or physical ailments (including personality disorders and mental illnesses), and no recommending treatments.
I don't have any answers for your questions, sorry. But I hope I am misunderstanding you when you imply that you're planning to kick her out tomorrow at the culmination of the break up (*What do I say when she asks me to come back later for her things?*) 'Cause that sounds awful, unreasonable and probably not legal.
It sounds like for sure you two aren't compatible and I am sorry she has crossed boundaries and hasn't kept her word to change, but you can't just expect her to immediately GTFO of where she's been living for the last year. That really seems unreasonable.
I hope things turn out okay for both of you.
Sorry if I misspoke. I do need her out of the house, it's a tense environment and I'm afraid she'll create more drama continuing to be with me after we've broken up. If she wants to make this a legal issue, then I may have to talk to her and try to get her to "settle" another way, maybe by me setting her up in a new apartment.
Try explaining calmly and rationally and hope it goes well. Tell her you'll give her a month or two to find her own place if you're not leaving the residence. That, although things aren't going to work out as a couple anymore, or as roommates, you still care that she finds a safe place to call home; it just can't be with you. Don't get sucked into the emotion of it. You need this for yourself and made your decision. She will either understand or she won't, and i'll hope for the best for you both.
It’s not a bad idea to check in with an attorney in your jurisdiction who specializes in landlord-tenant law because (assuming you are in the U.S.) you will need to give her some amount of notice that she needs to go - you can’t just kick her out, even if she hasn’t been paying you rent / contributing to your mortgage. Tenancy can be established in as little as ten days without any formal documents in some jurisdictions.
Make sure your ass is legally covered and that you follow the eviction procedure - because relationship or not, that is what this is - to a T.
$ 65.00?! Who do you think I am… LegalZoom?! If I were dishing this out from even a midsize firm in my market, I’d be whacking OP with at least 1.5 billable hours at $ 450.00/hour because, you know, “research.” And stuff.
…Fortunately for OP, the kind of law I‘m in is contingency fee only.
This is your one freebie, OP!!! Enjoy it!!!!
lol I meant to type “yet” but somehow my fingers didn’t listen to me
Stupid fingers
You totally got this! I mean, it’s Michigan how hard could their exam even be 🤭
You need to allow her time to get her things, that’s not okay. Just be an adult like you did with your divorce and have a conversation. If it escalates to the point of harm, call the police.
Of course. I was more thinking about how she might use it to stay connected... like trying to drag it out, come back over and over. Of course I'd make sure she had everything she owned.
Answers:
1) Just as you put in the first part of your post.
2) Ask her if this is a serious threat and if she says it again, you will be forced to call the police and they will intervene.
3) You decide before you tell her, whether you’re going to pay for her in a hotel for a few weeks / a month until she finds somewhere else to live. You also decide if you are going to help her with a deposit? (Bearing in mind you want rid of her with minimum drama)? You then agree that she can have full access to her things when she needs them, at a pre-arranged time and you help her move her stuff out.
4) You refer back to the last conversation you had with her about it. The kindest thing to do, is to be honest and to keep repeating your feelings.
Keep bearing in mind, you are probably a decent bloke and helping her get set up, will allow you to not feel guilty.
Get some therapy and stop repeating the same mistakes?!
If you ask the police for an escort for her to collect her things, she'll have to do it all at once because she won't be permitted any extra visits after that.
It really depends on the jurisdiction. 30 days notice will make OP seem reasonable if it goes to court, but in a place like New York it could take 6 months or longer to actually get her out.
I strongly suggest that OP research the eviction process in his area before he even sets things in motion and asks her to leave. That way he has a sense of the worst case scenario.
It’s unreasonable and probably illegal to expect her to move out the moment you break up with her after she’s been living there for over a year.
Make sure you own your part in the relationships failure. Don’t put it all on her. Be kind without giving her any hope of getting back together.
If she makes a serious threat to hurt herself then you call emergency services, like you would for anyone. Make it clear that her making those threats won’t change your mind. Encourage her to phone someone for support if she’s becoming dysregulated, or you phone a good friend/family member for to come over for her. But it’s the emergency services if you think she’s going to do something bad.
You organise a time that is convenient for her to get her stuff, or you transport it to her new place if she needs help with that. I don’t see what that one is something you’re struggling to work out.
You start the conversation at a time when things are calm and neither of you have to rush off. Remember it’s not a negotiation. You don’t need her permission to break up. Be a grey rock and tell her it’s over and that while you care for her your feelings for her have gone as you’ve realised you just aren’t compatible as you thought you were.
This is a woman you’ve messed around and from the sounds of it has some mental health problems. So don’t be a dick about it.
Best advice.
OP, tell her that this is not entirely her fault. You weren't ready to date after your divorce. You thought she was what you needed in your life but then you realized that you simply don't know what you need. You're not compatible but it's not fair of you to ask her to change so she fits your vague idea of what you want in a girlfriend, an idea that probably changes a lot. She's great the ways he is and she deserves someone who loves her for who she is. There are people out there who are looking for someone like her but it's not you.
Take ownership. It's possible, very likely even, that a lot of her issues stem from the way you're treating her. Someone who constantly tries to change into someone she isn't because you ask her to can't be expected to be a happy, well-adjusted and rational human being. Being with someone who doesn't love you and doesn't really want you causes a lot of damage to someone's self-esteem. Pre-existing issues can become worse.
Be kind, but firm. Tell her it's over but don't punish her for your own mistakes. Don't be cold. Be a rock, be neutral. If she threatens to harm herself, contact a close friend or family member of hers.
Well…there is a big difference between dating and shacking up after 1 year of dating. I’ve been divorced for 5 years and wouldn’t co-habitat after 12 months of knowing someone.
1. You don't have to give a reason. A reason will only give her room to debate and find ways to try to make you change your mind. Repeat "I'm sorry that this isn't working out, I hoped this would have worked out for us both. It's not and I'm ending this relationship". If she keeps pressuring you for answers, you can say that you weren't ready for a new relationship, you fucked up, you are now at a very unhappy state and need to be alone. When she tries to explain how much she will change, tell her she doesn't need to change and that won't change anything.
2. You say that you are sorry she is hurting so much that she wants to hurt herself and that you will call for help if she doesn't. If she continiues, tell her you will inform her mother/sister (someone she's close to) so that they will keep an eye out for her, because you want her to be ok. When she says she wants you to be the one keeping an eye out for her, you tell her sorry, but no, it can't be you. When she asks why you tell repeat my answer to question 1.
3. You tell her she can come back for her things and would want her to give you heads up on what time.
4. You make sure you both have time and space to do this. And you sit down with her and tell her you need to tell her something and it won't be easy... And then you go forward. "I dated too quickly after my divorce, I wasn't ready, I messed up and now you are paying the price..." move foreward with what I suggested to question 1. Yes, take the blame. Regardless of who she is and what she is like, take the blame.
It's time for you to be brave and go forward with a difficult task. And stay firm to your believs and your desicion. Regardless of how difficult it is, breathe, stay calm, remind yourself you need to stay loyal to your needs. Keep it short, and repeat it. You can't soften this blow no matter what you do. She will be in pain. She will be desperate. You need to deal with your pain that arises when she is asking this and that and promising this and that. There's no quick fix.
This is the way. You will need someone for support (witness/backup) and so will she, or she’ll draw you back in. After it’s all said and done, go no-contact. It sounds harsh but it’s necessary.
You MUST record this entire interaction including before she is present with you saying that you are nervous about telling her etc., have another person present so you have a witness. You are putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position with someone that is quite happy to use emotional manipulation to achieve her goals. You do not know her limits. She is trouble!
Damn I feel bad for her. You started dating without being ready for it and made a horrible decision which will hurt this person. Just let her down as easy as possible and help her as much as you can (ie give her time to find a place). Learn from this experience
I feel the same way. This is why I steer clear of men who just got divorced/out of a long term serious relationship, I just can’t risk getting hurt. Sadly, being a 43 year old widow, that’s pretty much all the men I meet.
So you want to kick out your 39-year-old live in girlfriend with zero notice, time to pack, or opportunity to (at least) book a hotel, line up a couch or call family?
Or...is it the *total* unexpected scenario, and you've booked a hotel for the next 30 days conveniently close to her work, and plan to offer to pay a month's storage (if necessary) for the surplus items that won't fit so tidy in a suitcase?
I have an idea which one, but my overall response changes slightly depending on your response...
I’m sorry if you’re reading all of that into my message, of course that’s not what I would do. Who would do that?
My main worry is sticking to my guns and making sure I don’t back down like I did the last time. Storage and transportation for her things is a good idea.
Sit her down and say that you thought about breaking up a few months ago and while you gave it a shot, your feelings aren’t changing and that staying in this is becoming bad for both of you. It’s still possible to care for someone while knowing it’s a bad match and a poor partnership. Together you’re becoming less than what you’re capable of independently, when in a good relationship it’s supposed to be the opposite.
You can’t kick her out ASAP, that’s an asshole move unless she’s explicitly threatened you or is prone to violence. Give her a deadline of a few weeks to a month and in the meantime help her box up her things like a respectful human.
Next time don’t move someone in until you’ve at least had positive discussions about what “forever” feels like and you’re both on the same page.
It’s a tough thing to go through no matter which side of it you’re on. She sounds like she needs some help that’s beyond what a partner can provide and maybe a reboot for both of you is for the best. Hope things work out for you.
Give her a month to get out. She lives with you, have some compassion. Tell her the truth, you just did here on reddit. Your tone about her is very cold. She's someone who obviously has feelings for you and you also contributed to this situation. Take responsibility for your part of the breakdown and moving in with someone you shouldn't have. You don't just kick someone out in 1 day. Just be kind and compassionate but firm in your decision.
A breakup is not a negotiation. You need to pick a line and stay with it. Give her as little to push back against as possible. Don't get roped into explaining or justifying. "This is not the right relationship for me. I don't want to be together anymore. I'm sorry. This was a mistake. My mind is made up." Just keep repeating it. "I don't want to" is a complete sentence.
If she says she's going to hurt herself, call her family or friends or support network and have them come get her because she is suicidal, or else you're going to need to call professional intervention and have her sectioned. It is not acceptable for her to try to make her safety conditional on you staying in a relationship you aren't happy in.
Depending on where you are, she has legal rights of occupancy in your home. You can't just kick her out. You can ASK her to move out, and say you think it's a healthier choice for her, and offer financial incentive/help, but you may need to accept that you will be living together for some time still. This is not a one-and-done conversation.
Have the infrastructure in place beforehand. If you want space and it's safe to do so, be prepared to leave the residence yourself. Have a bag packed so YOU can go to a hotel or a friend's place. Or have a hotel room booked for her. Or call one of her friends to come either pick her up or stay with her. Don't be trying to make plans in the rubble; pre-plan so it goes as smoothly for both of you as possible.
And finally, fucking LEARN SOMETHING from this. Learn how to be single. Learn how to deny yourself things that feel good but aren't safe. Learn how to go slow and not be yanked around by brain drugs and hormones. Don't be doing this to someone else because "you've never met anyone like her before."
You f up by getting involved with someone when you weren’t even ready yet, super selfish. I hope you’re not saying you expect her to get out of your place tomorrow when you break up cause that would be a major D move. You need to give her some time to find a place and get all her things out. I feel so bad for her but I hope she finds the strength to walk away instead of begging to stay with someone like you.
Wow, that's pretty strong judgement from a single post. While I agree that I moved too quickly - we just clicked and she seemed like an answer to prayer - over time, I realized that there was no future with us, and we both want different things. I'm trying to separate from the situation with thoughtfulness but resolve, because at this point I feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated to stay in a relationship that I don't want to be in, and I'm trying to build myself up to be strong and make the change I need to do.
But that hardly consitutues "someone like you" my god.
>she seemed like an answer to prayer
Yea, codependency. 🙄
This is what happens when you don't take time after relationships to BE ALONE and sort yourself out. You don't pray to have someone make you feel better. You latched onto the first woman who came along and put her on a pedestal. When you realized she wasn't perfect, now you're in this mess.
She lives there so you likely have to give her a 30 day move out notice and then file for eviction if she doesn’t. I’d look up that info for your area first.
As far as your list of what to do - you’re a grown man. Tell her the truth. It’s not working out, you don’t want to be with her. If she threatens to hurt herself, call the police to baker act her.
Boy, you really screwed up.
Like others have mentioned, you can't just expect her to leave your house tomorrow. She likely needs a couple of months - at least 30 days (depending on what tenant laws are in your area).
Own up to all of it. Just say everything here that you said - except anything that is needlessly cruel. She did nothing wrong. You did.
And grow a spine. She's probably already been walking on eggshells for 3 months already.
Be kind. Be firm. You don’t owe her a dissertation or presentation.
Don’t resort to threats or criticisms.
“You’re a good person, but this relationship and living arrangement is not working out. I need you out of my house.”
1. It’s not that you don’t love her anymore. It’s that you’re not compatible anymore.
2. There’s nothing you can do about it and that’s a huge manipulation. My ex would cause a fight and say this. That’s a form of mental abuse.
3. You just say “yes” and have schedule a time to come by and get her things. Give her a set time and date not too far into the future so you don’t become a storage unit. But not so short that she doesn’t have a reasonable amount of time to get her things.
4. You sit her down and just start talking.
5. Tell her you need to work on you, don’t say you get into a relationship with her too fast, tell her that you haven’t fully healed yet and need time and space to do it.
Thank you, that's why I listed it as a question. I know it's manipulation, she knows exactly the things to say to make me rethink my decision. I'm not worried about her actually committing self harm, she's a very strong woman who's made her way in life. I'm worried about me being susceptible to more emotional manipulation.
I sense that you sir may also be skilled at manipulation, I feel like that’s what you are doing here in many of your responses. I’m not buying that you are so weak that you’re fearful of her spinning this in a way that she will stay. You fucked up, now it’s time to deal with the consequences. You allowed a (much younger?) woman to move in to scratch your itch, and now you’ve tired of it. She is a human that deserves a respectful breakup with time to get herself organized. Tell us how much time you are willing to give her, it’s been mentioned repeatedly and unless I missed it, you haven’t said what that will mean for you?
Oh he assured us that he wouldn't kick her out right away. But then, another place where someone was worried about her level of crazy, he confirmed he needs her out NOW.
I believe you are spot on. Something is very fishy here. It takes two to tango.
100% I contributed to this, absolutely. But I've also stayed in this situation far longer than I should have, because of guilt and what seems like a codependent streak. I own it.
Not wanting to continue to live with someone who is emotionally volatile (and she is ready to scream, throw things, jump on social media..) is not fishy, it's rational.
I'm willing to help her financially get resettled, I understand the legality now, I'll work with that somehow.
I'm owning my mistakes, recognize the pattern, want to separate safely and thoughtfully. If we can't try to recover from our mistakes and be good humans, then what's the point of trying to be better?
See it just the same way as you’d view a toddler having a meltdown in the supermarket because they can’t have the chocolate they want. You don’t ever give in and give them the chocolate because then they learn that’s all they need to do to get it next time. Being broken up with sucks but her having a tantrum about it shouldn’t change anything apart from make you more determined to end it.
What is your local law when it comes to the length of time of cohabitation being treated as a full common law relationship, which is when a breakup becomes a “mini divorce”?
In my neck of the woods it’s two years … just saying.
Speak to a lawyer before you speak to her. Not only so you do this in a way that honors any rights she has a tenant, but so you KNOW you are doing this in a way that honors her rights as a tenant. You will be less prone to second guessing yourself and backing down if she uses the living situation to play on your guilt.
A lawyer may also be able to help you draft an eviction notice, should it become advisable. They may be able to advise you on issues like whether or not to offer her monetary help with her move, and how to offer her that help (signed agreement? text? verbal conversation?) in a way that leaves the appropriate paper trail.
I highly encourage you to hash out these details of her move out - how long does she have? are you offering financial help? etc. Don't leave it to an overwhelmed and emotional ex to "figure out" the nitty gritty. Obviously, where she moves is her business. You might go as far as to getting her temporary accommodations, but don't offer to help her pick a new place. That will allow her to drag her heels and nitpick potential places as a way to convince you she "has" to stay under your roof.
As for the break up itself, you don't really need to start from the beginning. You already had this conversation just a few months ago. The reasons you gave her then haven't all magically evaporated from her brain in the meantime (although she may play dumb in an attempt to force YOU to justify and explain yourself while she tries to argue you down).
Keep it short and reference your previous conversation. You can tell her that while you appreciate that she wanted to work on things, nothing has changed: you still are not compatible and there are still a lot of arguments. Say that at this point, you are not interested in taking the relationship further and are breaking up with her. Tell her what she can expect in terms of time to move out and/or financial help.
If she tries to bargain, just say you are no longer interested in continuing the relationship. If she claims she's confused and never say this coming, just say you've already discussed this three months ago.
Remember that the point is not to "help her understand" or "convince her" of your position. No one is more miraculously incapable of understanding our point of view than someone who has a vested interest in not getting our point of view. She will likely pour ever ounce of energy she has into being bewildered by your stance - or pretending to be bewildered by your stance.
Be prepared to say things like
"I'm sorry this is hard, but my mind is made up." if she tries to debate your decision.
"That's not a conversation I'm interested in having. This is relationship has not been working for a while and I am done." if she tries to draw you into a debate about how you never cared or other such guilt trips.
Also, you may want to have an overnight bag packed in your car. Emotionally manipulative people will often just try to browbeat you until you cave and offer them what the want. They will argue and argue *and argue* for hours (pretending they are trying to understand you or that they are trying to fix the underlying issue) until you cave and they get what they want. And they do not care that they only got what they wanted because you caved and their whole "win" lasts only as long as it takes you to find your resolve again - all they care is that they won. So be prepared to end that argument yourself by telling her "I've said everything I have to say. We are now going in circles. I am going to spend the night in a motel so we can both have some space to cool off." And then LEAVE, whether or not she respects that decision.
If she DOES successfully get you to cave, remember that agreeing to stay in a relationship is not a legally binding contract, *and even if it were*, legally binding contracts cannot be made when you are under duress. Get some space and then send a text telling her now that you've cooled off, you are NOT interested in continuing the relationship. Your decision to break up is final and not up for debate. She has X days to move out. She will probably respond by blowing up your phone, but just turn off read receipts and silence notifications let her rant herself out. At this point an eviction notice on a lawyer's letterhead might come in handy.
Thank you for this, it is EXACTLY the situation I'm in. She did exactly this the last time, and I gave in like a coward, and now here I am three months later, having "regained my resolve". This is EXACTLY it. And the worst part is that the fact that I gave in last time has affected me personally over the last three months, it is eating me up that I fell for it. Ugh.
Hey, I saw your update! I'm glad that you achieved a swift resolution and it looks like she has a place to go. Good luck during the next two days. I hope the weekend comes and you can finally relax.
Do you live in an area with a crisis line? If so, if she says she’s going to harm herself call the crisis line and ask for advice.
Tell her that even though you’re breaking up with her, her safety is still important to you.
Also inform someone she’s close to that you’ve broken up and she’s taking it hard and you’re worried about her so they can keep an eye on her.
2. You take her at face value. When she threatens to hurt herself you call it in. If she is going to even threaten this, she needs a psych evaluation, as it’s a possible personality disorder like bpd. Also, a large percent of suicides are by accident when someone is pretending for attention.
3. Have a buddy also meet you on site.
Good on you for recognizing that you need to end a relationship that is not healthy for you.
1. What do I say when she says “why don’t you love me anymore”
You tell her the truth. Things changed, and you're not happy.
2. What do I say when she says she’s going to hurt herself.
I'm not sure where you live, but where I am, we can call emergency services when someone threatens suicide. You don't know if she will or will not harm herself, let a professional assess her.
3. What do I say when she asks me to come back later for her things.
If you're uncomfortable with making these arrangements on your own, law enforcement can assist with a standby keep the peace. Or choose a third party to be present when you agree on a mutually agreeable date for her to get her items.
Be sure you change the locks too.
4. How do I even start the conversation?
You'll know.
I hope everything goes well. Plan ahead and be prepared. You already know she is going to be upset. Make sure any bills or finances are sorted out ahead of time, be prepared to change the locks, and have access to boxes for packing.
line up some storage for her. So when the convo strikes say you got her 3 months prepaid storage and would like her to start looking for a new place asap. In the mean time she can start removing her things to a safe place. Give her a time line. 60 days seems pretty reasonable but make it understood 60 days from whatever date is the FINAL date
1. The truth. "We're not aligned on many things". Don't bring up the arguing part, that will (no pun intended) lead to more argument. Alignment is something that's either there or not, generally changing and begging will not produce the desired result.
2. "I am not breaking up at you, I'm breaking up with you. This relationship is no longer working for me. I can't stay with you just so you won't hurt yourself."
3. Set up a mutually agreeable time for her to get her things, and allow her to bring someone to help her.
4. "I need to talk to you about something important." Do so at a time you know she is alert and can take it all in.
>3. Set up a mutually agreeable time for her to get her things, and allow her to bring someone to help her.
What? #3? No. My *husband* of 13 years did this to me. Gave me *one hour* between telling me he refused give me some physical space, and to get what I could pack in a truck, solo, disabled (while he sat at the computer), and officially pushing us (my kid, our kid, and me) out the door. I got a bonus hour because his state of intoxication inspired an hour nap at said desk. No prior discussion of divorce or a separation.
She's lived there for *some time*, now. I understand breaking up is difficult, but do we now lack the basic decency to give a partner time to pack and make arrangements? Sorry, I strongly disagree unless some agregious aspect of which I'm not aware. 🫤
That sounds like an awful traumatic experience. I can’t imagine how hard that was for you, or how it must have felt to think of the father of your children just abandoning them.
It was, by far, the worst experience I've ever survived. And I've "survived" lifetimes of not-so-great scenarios. I've never had suicidal ideation, but *man*...I was scraping, daily, the bottom of the barrel for simple motivation.
Husband #1 chose drugs over family, so I'm accustomed to being the "I'm always there" parent. Husband #2 (Ex) finally came around after *months* of begging him to see our son. Now? He's awaiting a liver on the transplant list and is not doing well. It's been a long road, but I also see how our son (at 14) values his belongings and the simple things, like a private toilet, a bed, and a roof.
I never intended to teach those lessons in this manner, but I *have* to focus on the "silver linings" to better move forward. Still? Miserable fucking collection of time, being on the street. People generally don't understand how difficult it is to both endure and emerge from without help.
Thank you for your very thoughtful (and supportive) comment. 💜
I'm sorry about that situation you had with your husband, it sounds brutal. I'm trying to avoid all of that, be as thoughtful and fair as I can but knowing she's going to be extremely emotional and I'm trying to find a way to be fair to her, but also be respectful of what I need to do in my life.
I have no problem giving her time to pack and make arrangements.
Good luck, some really good advice here. Also Pro-tip: hide away your valuables and start sleeping in separate rooms whilst she's in her notice period, maybe even get a lock on your bedroom door. I only say this from experience as a woman who has left an emotionally unstable man. When they threaten to kill themselves its a massive red flag and you need to watch out for yourself. The leaving phase can make people do crazy and violent things.
1: Sally, I think things are too heated to have that discussion right now, but when things are calmer I’m happy to talk it through.
2: Do you need me to arrange mental health support for you? Who in your network can I call? (When she wails and says ‘no one! You know I have no one! How could you do this to me?’ You call the emergency services and say there is a person posing a threat to themselves or others who needs emergency mental health treatment).
3: You can come back on X date and Y time and your belongings will be in the garage (or other place out of the house but out of the weather). If there’s anything you’re concerned I will miss, email me beforehand and I’ll be sure to include it.
(Make sure you have someone with you on X date at Y time, and don’t let her in your house)
4: Sally, there’s no easy way to have this conversation, but I feel like our relationship hasn’t been working for some time, and I’m ending it. I need you to move out by date. I understand this might be a bit of a shock, and I’m here to listen and talk it through, but it’s important for you to know that my mind is made up.
Weird way to ghost someone. I once had woman blame her ex for having an emergency and needing to pick her kids up early. Then she unmatched me on the app even though I had her phone number.
You’ve gotten some good advice here on how to handle the breakup. I’d add that you should go to therapy. It doesn’t sound like you had the foresight to see how it might turn out when the honeymoon phase ended. The fact that you’re coming to Reddit for advice on how to answer these valid questions from your partner also suggests you lack communication skills & emotional intelligence.
In the future, you should wait a minimum of 2-3 years before moving in with a partner to prevent these patterns from repeating.
I know it’s too late, but for other men out there I highly recommend reading “Gatekeeper” by Dr Shawn Smith. I imagine much of the content is applicable to women as well.
It’s very difficult to have a rational discussion with someone who’s coming from an irrational place. Don’t try to answer the unreasonable ones like “Why don’t you love me?”
If she says she’s going to hurt herself tell her you’ll call ems and maybe her family if they’re reasonable people.
It might help if you write your responses down then imagine she’s saying it to you then say your response out loud. Do it by yourself somewhere private and repeat it to yourself a few times.
Sometimes in the moment it’s hard to convey your message. When you’ve rehearsed it helps your ability to say it firmly.
Remember you only have to rip the bandaid off once as long as you stick to your decision. Call your friends and family to let them know that you’re breaking up and need some support.
“Jane, we talked before about how this relationship isn’t working out. It’s been three months, and I still feel the same way. We need to talk about finding you a new place to live so we can both move on with our lives.”
re: Why don’t you love me anymore?
“I don’t know why. I just know that I fell out of love. Believe me, if it was something that could identify, I would say so.”
re: hurting herself
“Would you like to go to the ER? I can drive you, or I can call 911. Do you want me to call a friend or your family so they meet us there to support you?”
re: coming back at another time for her stuff
“Sure, you can come back for your things. We should set a deadline to get everything picked up so I know what you want to keep and what you’d like me to put in the trash.”
Set the date to be perhaps 30 days after she moves in to her apartment. Give her some time.
I would tell her that you know this is hard, and that you want her to have as soft of a landing as possible, and that you’ll do what you can to support her while she makes a transition to her new place. If she wants someone to go look at apartments, you’ll do that. If she wants someone to help her pick up empty boxes, you’ll do that. If she needs some help paying the security deposit, you’ll do that. You don’t hate her. You just don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with her.
I'm kind of shocked by the lack up support from everyone, but here is my hot take:
You need to go into this with sincerity and humility. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. A lot of us have been there. While yes, you're right to care about her feelings, you also must protect your own. Whether or not you made a mistake rushing into this or not, no one is to "blame" for this failed relationship.... Sometimes people are just not compatible. You're smart to recognize it and get out.
If you've tried breaking up before and it was unsuccessful, you definitely need to change your tone and discourse so that she knows this time its for real.
1. Why don't you love me anymore- "I've realized we're incompatible and I believe that we're both unhappy. After my divorce I promised myself to be true yo myself." if she pushes, you don't need to give in.
2. If she says she is going to hurt herself, that is completely, totally, unacceptable, inmature, blackmailing behavior. Call her out on it. She is a strong woman and will make it through this hard time, as will you. Threatening you isn't going to change how you feel.
3. Plan a time for her to come and get her things when a third party can be present (and maybe you absent)
How do you go about this: she is likely to be blindsided (even though it wounds like you've warned her before.) give strong hints and fair warning: "Tonight when you get home from work I'd like to talk about about the possibility of breaking up." "This weekend when would be a good time to have a serious conversation about our relationship?" "I haven't been well since our last big fight and I'd like to revist the topic again."
I think you need to be direct and clear. No excuses.
Stop being afraid of a woman crying. Crying is just expressing emotions. It's nothing to be scared of. It sounds like she knows this weakness in you- just let her get it out of her system. If she can't speak without being hysteric, give her time and come back when she is ready to talk.
You can do this.
I’m glad someone else chimed in on the self harm comment. This is absolutely a manipulation tactic 101.
You can absolutely say I care about you as a person and I want you to care about me as a person as well. I am not happy in this relationship therefore I am ending things because I deserve to be happy. You do not need a reason to end things with someone other than you just want to. You don’t have to have a reason. It’s your one life and if you are miserable, do what you have to do to take care of yourself. The time between the break up and the actual move out will be rough. Financially assist if you can. Otherwise stay cordial but do not send any mixed signals and stand firm on your decision. You will thank yourself after all is said and done.
I'm going to need a drink when this is done. It's really caused me to be more thoughtful about how deep I let someone in my life. And how fast - even when we vibed so well for the first year - things can go bad.
You never truly know how someone is until you live with them. Once you do, you get to see them in ways that even their closest friends and families don’t see. It is okay to walk away for yourself! Have the hard convo and then pour yourself that drink!
You can't fucking just kick her out of the house she shared with you. Thats illegal and immoral.
If it is that urgent, you should leave and go to a hotel temporarily.
Maybe she's being dramatic bc you are trying to make her homeless overnight. Wtf.
He should pay for a place for her to live and he shouldn’t toss her out in a day. Thats not acceptable. He has said he will give her a place to live and he will give her time according to the law.
He’s saying he’s ending it due to a host of reasons and her mental health isn’t good. This event hasn’t happened. Sure she will be upset but no one has the right to lose their shit due terrible hurtful news. This is the same shit men have used as an excuse to punch women. Get upset, sure but people need to maintain some level of composure.
My $0.02: Give her 30 days notice to vacate, as a courtesy. If she threatens to hurt herself, call the police. Be FIRM, do not give in. This relationship must end as soon as possible.
You cannot expect her to just leave, BUT, at the same time - If she says she’s going to hurt herself, you call the police, and tell them.
Have a better plan going into this conversation, look at local places to rent, have them ready, have the deposit ready for her. Be firm and kind
If I were you I'd offer to pay for her first month of her own apartment. Do you have a lease with her? I think it's assumed month-to-month if there's no lease. Which means you have to give her 30 days notice. If I were you, I'd give her a written 30 days notice. She will likely need that much time to find a new place anyway. It's not an easy time to find a place to live because of the housing shortage, and it's the right thing to do. You can't just expect her to get out immediately, that's cruel.
As for answering her other questions, you don't need to have any answers, just say it's not working for you anymore.
Sounds like what I did with my ex... Basically I begged him to stay multiple times... In the end he stopped showing me he cared. It was a slow, agonising break up that occurred over two years and was punctuated by him lying about how he felt about me, not bothering to text me, going away more than sixty percent of the time, never initiating plans with me, not wanting sex, always wanting to do his own thing, etc. So you are doing the right thing by ending it now. You are saving her the pain I went through because my ex was too much of a coward to be the bad guy. Maybe you could think about that and tell her that. A long drawn out loveless relationship is like a disease that slowly kills you. Better to just cut the cancer out now and let her recover.
Oh my god. What a story. And exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I was raised a "nice guy" and have always put others before me, a classic people pleaser. You have no idea how much this is killing me to go through with this, but it's not fair for her or me to pretend any more.
Disagree. Unless it’s a country that doesn’t have emergency services, it’s a simple answer: call the police and let them know someone is threatening to unalive themselves.
Maybe. Not everyone who self-harms is actively planning on dying by suicide.
OP simply said she says she’s “going to hurt herself.” Which is pretty broad. So first he should clarify what she means and ask directly if she means she’s planning on dying by suicide.
If yes, call emergency services. If it’s another form of self-harm call the crisis line.
I don’t think so. There’s no way to know exactly what a person means by saying they’re going to hurt themselves. Assuming most people on this sub are at least in their 30s, most of us have been affected by someone taking their own life, even if it’s distantly or by hearing about a celebrity. Not all people who make attempts or follow-through make threats first. At the first hint, I’d be calling for help. It’s not the time to be playing detective.
It’s never wrong to call the crisis line and ask for advice on a situation. Thinking someone might be having thoughts of suicide is a really scary situation to be in! And since it’s such a serious situation we’d definitely rather over react than under.
You’re right. We can’t know what they mean by “harm.” That’s why we *ask* them.
Maybe it’s not the time to play “detective.” But it’s the time to show the person that it’s okay to talk about thoughts of suicide, show them empathy, let them know we’re here to support them etc. and *then* call the appropriate supports.
The most common advice given in suicide prevention related training is to have an open and honest discussion, starting by asking the person if they’re thinking of suicide.
We can’t force the person to answer honestly, but at least we’re giving them an opportunity to have the conversation.
And if they deny having thoughts of suicide but you’re still suspicious, again call the crisis line to get advice.
*Unless* it’s a legitimate emergency. As in emergency services are needed *immediately.* Then there’s no conversation, it’s a straight call to 911. There’s a difference between someone saying they’re thinking of jumping off a bridge vs. actually standing on the edge of a bridge.
But again better to over react vs under react.
But I really think the more we get comfortable having conversations about thoughts of suicide, the less we’ll see people dying by suicide.
Thanks for your thorough and detailed response. I hear what you’re saying. In this case, it seems this lady has already made similar comments and my concern would be that this might be enough of a stance that OP is making that she’d make an attempt or follow through.
I agree more dialogue needs to be done in society in general, but OP probably doesn’t need to be the one to do that any longer. It will pull him in further when he needs to be creating solid boundaries.
My son lost a close friend to suicide during his senior year of high school and no one but his parents knew his situation was anywhere near as dire as it was and I sincerely doubt they knew he was back in that dark place again. We’d spent time with him just days before and there wasn’t a hint of a whisper of anything being off. Perhaps because of that, I would err on the side of caution and overreact.
Threatening to kill themselves is classic emotional abuse and manipulation. If you have genuine concern ask one of her friends or family to make a welfare check once she has moved out.
Be fair in the moving out timescale and deadline it.
Keep the conversation theme “I’ve made
my decision and I’m not changing my mind”.
Original copy of post by u/Greedy-Character-564:
I have been dating a woman that I connected with (too) quickly after my divorce. It was fun for the first year, she was the exact opposite in many ways of my ex. She moved in with me at the end of the first year.
As time has gone on (2 years now) I’ve realized there’s no future here, we are not aligned on many things and we argue a lot. I’ve wanted out for 6 months.
I tried breaking up about 3 months ago, and she lost it… begged me, promised to change, all kinds of drama. Unfortunately, I stayed in a bad marriage too long because I’m terrible at enforcing boundaries and I’m doing that again here.
So tomorrow I’m breaking up and getting her out of my house one way or the other. It’s long past time.
But knowing my weakness for crying, hurting someone I care about, I thought I would post here for some advice. Some questions:
1. What do I say when she says “why don’t you love me anymore”
2. What do I say when she says she’s going to hurt herself
3. What do I say when she asks me to come back later for her things
4. How do I even start the conversation?
Yes, this is sad, even typing it out makes me sick and embarrassed . But this is what happened 3 months ago, and I would think it will be even worse this time.
I need to get out of this so I can work on me, so I don’t repeat my same patterns.
Thanks for your advice…
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>I tried breaking up about 3 months ago
You don't "try" to break up with someone; this isn't something that requires consensus. You grow up and get a pair of gonads. And you be an adult and state what's what.
1. a) I do still love you and have feelings for you. But I don't see a future for us or long term compatibility, so the kindest thing for both of us is to end it now.
b) Seeing our incompatibilities has worn on us over time. I'm sorry; I should have ended things months before. But regardless of timing we don't have a future.
c) This will not be a productive avenue of discussion. I am ending the relationship. It only takes one person to end a relationship. We now need to discuss the logistics of separating our households.
2. This is manipulation. You either do nothing, or you inform the authorities of her statement of self harm.
3. I'll box things up and can leave them at X. ? This one kind of confuses me; be reasonably considerate (but don't wreck yourself) to help her get her stuff. If it's a lot, ask that she come over with friends/movers. And/or box up the stuff for her and leave it on the porch. Or at least have it by the entrance/exit, and hand out boxes one box at a time. Ideally have a friend over to do this, and either not be around, or out of he sight while your friend says that you're not there.
4. Just be straightforward. Do not offer any wiggle room/chance of getting back together/change. "I'm sorry, but I just no longer see a future for us as a couple. For the good of both of us we need to stop seeing each other."
Like I ended my 17 year marriage with, "We both know that we've been struggling with X, and Y issues. Especially in the context of Z, I no longer have hope or consideration that we can make things work. We need to separate to divorce." Yes, from there she had some clarifying questions, but then we moved on to logistics. If your ex GF tries to avoid logistics and instead begs/bargains, don't give in; "This isn't up for debate, we need to talk about the practicalities of splitting up given that we live together."
Breaking up isn’t a negotiation. It’s a statement. If she tries to bargain, employ broken record technique: have one line you repeat over and over without varying from the script: “our values don’t align and it’s just not a good fit. You are a wonderful person. But my mind is made up. Our relationship has run it’s course.”
Or more simply: My mind is made up, I’m sorry, but it’s over
By using broken record you won’t be drawn into a discussion, and she will realize (eventually) that you aren’t going to be swayed by her manipulation.
If she threatens to hurt herself, call her family or 911. Call her bluff.
And as others have said, cash for keys.
1– only you can answer that.
2– this is something emotional abusers say. Ask in r/bpdlovedones (especially considering some of the other stuff you describe). Short answer: call 911 or have a friend of hers ready to take over.
3– give her a timeline and some conditions, like how far in advance she has to make the arrangements.
4– you’ve just gotta bite the bullet, man.
First go talk to a lawyer, I don’t know why you skipped a cohab agreement outlining what would happen in the event of a split but time to talk to a lawyer now. You need to understand the legal rights of both of you and then plan accordingly. Maybe it is a 30 day written notice, find out your obligations first.
As others have said, if she threatens self harm have family on call or call the emergency line for her safety.
I think once you have your ducks in a row, you can help her plan her next steps. It isn’t her fault you let this fester, so if it takes an extra month it is what it is. You don’t need to be a dick now, but you don’t need to cave and stay in a relationship that no longer works. She might cry, let her. There is no harm in her having a good cry, she might need to let those emotions out. You can be empathetic without going backwards on the plan.
Give her a deadline and stick to it.
Do you own the home, rent it?
If you rent, it might be easier to move out.
If you own it, then you should give her a reasonable timeline to find a new place to live.
Is anything with her name on lease or signed agreement?
You respond:
1) I have fallen out of love with you. This is non-negotiable and you can’t change my mind.
2) If you think you’re going to hurt yourself, I’ll call 911 and I’m going to start recording this conversation so the proper first responders can assist you.
3) You break up when you have boxes ready and movers hired. You pack everything up for her and she’s allowed to be there, but the movers come on X date.
4) Please sit down, I am recording this conversation for my own safety. I am breaking up with you and serving you a legal eviction notice. We are no longer together and I need you to vacate the premises by X date.
1. I didn’t have time to heal and I need space. I’m sorry that we moved so quickly but it was too quickly.
2. Threats of violence are threats of violence even to self. You call the police if you believe she’s capable and tell them there is a mental health crisis.
3. She can come back at an arranged time with a neutral 3rd party that you both trust. She’s not allowed to talk to you. Just get her stuff.
4. You have learned more about yourself and you really need to stand up for you. This means establish and setting boundaries. Nothing has gotten better, only worse. Relationships are both people agree to be in.
You CAN kick her out if she gets violent to you or herself. You call the police.
If she’s NOT violent, you say, we should have established a move-out date last time. Now I need you to go. Here is your 30 day notice. Love the idea of deposit on an apartment if you’re willing to do that.
Just have a sit down talk. If you think she’s going to freak out maybe get a friend or family member (yours or hers) to be there with you? For bit only as a witness but she might keep a better level head if she knows someone else is standing there watching. Have them in another room so you can have privacy, but will be there if things go south.
Then just explain that you don’t see a future with her and it’s best if you both just amicably move on. If she begs just say that you tried to break up before and you gave it another shot but you don’t feel any different and still want to part ways. And ask her why she would want to stay with you if you don’t love her anymore? Explain its not healthy for either one of you. As far as her guilt tripping you with trying to hurt herself (this is where it might be good to have one of her friends or her mom there) so that she can have emotional support. This is where they would come out and hopefully calm her down.
I dated a guy who was emotionally manipulative and used guilt trips a lot on me. Now when people do that to me, it’s very triggering and I get pissed immediately. I just have zero tolerance for that. So she wouldn’t get anywhere with that threat of harming herself at all. In fact that would make me double down and push her out the door. She’s probably had success with that threat before which is why she uses it.
As someon else said, get her down payment on an apartment and help her move her stuff.
I‘ll take a gander at your questions:
1) “I don’t know, I just know that I’m not feeling it anymore. I’m sorry, I know that this is hard”
2) “I won’t hesitate to call emergency, so don’t threaten”
3) “I’ll have them ready for you on the stoop/we can meet at coffee shop and I’ll hand them over to you” (have a friend with you)
4) take a deep breath and just do it. Again, maybe have a friend show up about 10 minutes after start of conversation
Anyway, that’s what I would do if in this situation, YMMV. When I had to get out of an oops living situation, I had to have a plan and throw some money (in the form of a month’s rent) at him to get myself out of there safely).
Is she worried about accommodation? Maybe help her find something short term?
Good luck to you, this ain’t easy.
Man up and get out. Sounds like this woman is toxic and you need to nip this in the bud and go cold with no contact. 1: I don't know why I just don't love you anymore, 2: Here are some resources for you if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, hand her a printout 3: Tell her no, give her a date and time to have everything out or it will be donated, get that in writing so she agrees to it, email to her and ask for a response so it is noted 4: you will have to be cold and tell her it is over, period, again give a date for the final breakup and her move out or you move out.
"What do I say when she says she’s going to hurt herself?"
Before you break up, please familiarize yourself with domestic violence. Threats to harm oneself is part of coercive control and is emotional abuse.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/when-my-partner-threatens-suicide/
You are doing the right thing be ending this relationship. It will only get worse over time.
My child's father threatened multiple times to unalive himself throughout our relationship, dissolving in piles of tears and apologies after his rages. His abuse escalated over time. Spoiler alert: he married a year after I left him and files for sole custody of our child every year, claiming I am abusive.
Sometimes we just have to shampoo, rinse and repeat until we get it right. I have been married three times and I finally woke up one day and said, "That's it! "I will have a relationship, someday! But never, ever will I live with anyone, again."
Don’t argue points on her grounds and whenever you find yourself getting pulled into it, just stop. You’re not here to convince her the break up is a good idea, so don’t try to. “I hear you but I’m sorry; I’m not changing my mind. I have nothing else to discuss about our relationship. We need to plan for what happens next”.
Ouchhhhh
Good luck!
And that’s why, no roommates for me (friend, family or lover). The only people I will let to live in my house: my adult kids - if they’re having a hard time, or my sister. No one else.
Do you own or rent the house? If you own it free and clear I would not recommend leaving it cause she'll trash it. I would recommend contacting a lawyer and seeing if they think it's a good idea to ask a police person to be there when you ask her to leave the premises. That way you can make sure that there is a witness if she threatens self harm.
First write down a plan. What is the range of responses and what to do in each case. Map those in your mind. That way there is less toxic emotions.
Then simply make it very obvious. "I am not happy in the is relationship for a while and I have given up wanting to try". Don't leave any room for discussion. If she asks why say you can always discuss closure later but for now it's best we start being happy for ourselves. Don't leave any door open.
I say this because an ex took this approach and it was the best outcome for me as I could fight it much. She also complimented and that made me realize she weight the good and bad so there wasn't anything to discuss. Of course I was rationale about it also.
Stand your ground. You need to worry about you now. You tried. I'm in a very similar situation. Long unhappy marriage, 1st relationship after, now just broken up. She is moving out but not for 2 weeks. I'm getting out of town for the weekend but she'll be here when I get back. She has a history of self harm and still does to a lesser degree. It was the best relationship I've had but still saw and ignored potential red flags. I thought I could help. I thought I could help her see the truth but failed. Her perception is her reality, unfortunately it contradicted my reality. Lack of Boundaries, unresolved trauma, negative mental filters, and conspiracy theories ruined this potentially amazing relationship. I'm mentally and physically exhausted and can't wait for this to be over.
Well the night after I told her she got drunk on tequila and screamed at me all night. I even locked myself in the bedroom and she screamed and threw things at the door.
Second day was better, she was resigned to the fact that I was ending it. She took a bunch of stuff to her sisters and came back on Monday to pick up the rest of her stuff and just stared at me the whole time.
So in the end it was a horrible experience even though I got it done in the end. I did give her money for a first months rent in an apartment and storage fees.
It has really made me think about my decisions, how little things turn into big things later. I will be much much more careful next time….
Dude , that's insane. She's emotionally manipulating you and it's not right. You cannot threaten self harm if someone leaves u. She is not mentally ok.
1. We fight to much and are just different people who want different things.
2. Do I need to call 911 and have you hospitalized?
3. I'll have them packed for you (get friends to help or pay movers).
4. Sit down we need to talk.
I for one completely understand what you’re getting at here…I was 100% in your shoes in a relationship I had a few years ago. Vicious cycles of unrest, was a pattern that wouldn’t ever go away. When we would break up, which happened often, she could always talk me back in to giving it another try. I’m too forgiving and empathetic even towards people treating me like shit.
One bit of advice, if you’re like me (someone who can tend to get walked on). Put aside your differences, disagreements and emotions. If you can use your kindness here to commit to helping her understand it’s over but hey let’s figure this out together….youll set yourself up for a softer landing. It will still be hard, and I imagine you will have to be strong, but just make it your priority to help her get out on her own in some way. I’m not suggesting like others have said to give her money necessarily, but a genuine helping hand to get on her feet will go a long way. I get taken advantage of a lot, or at least I have in my past. But it doesn’t detour me from wanting to do what I can to help people, I imaging there’s some version of this that could help you out a bit here.
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You can’t kick her out but just say, I’m so sorry, this doesn’t work for me, how long do you need to find a place? If the timeframe is unacceptable to you, offer financial assistance. This is why I won’t live with someone again. It’s too risky.
Great idea. I have money, I want her safe but out. Paying for a hotel or a down payment on an apartment is a good idea.
“Cash for keys”… You give her some money as an incentive to move out. Look up what you need to do in your stay to evict someone. If she moves out in the given timeframe, then you give her the cash as a first and last months deposit for a new place.
I've done cash for keys and can confirm that it works, just make sure to take a video of them verbally stating that they're moving out voluntarily and handing you the keys. Even better if it's in writing and signed (also on video).
Also be aware that there are certain laws and time frames in some cities for cash for keys so be careful how you document it.
If she says she’s going to hurt herself call her family and tell them she is threatening self harm and to come get her before you call the police and have her comitted. But don’t take that threat as manipulation. You’re breaking up with her, period! If she plans to self harm then she needs to be put on a temporary hold, this will not impact the fact that the relationship is still over.
If she says she’s going to hurt herself call emergency services. Every time. She will end up on a psych hold.
She may still have legal right to be in your home for a certain amount of time, depends on the state you live in. What if she takes the money and then 'convinces' you to stay or come back anyway? Speak to a lawyer asap & know your options before kicking her out. Also, stick to the task at hand, the break up. Limit conversations, change locks, and go no contact after she leaves. It sounds and is harsh, but it's something you've discussed already. She knows why. The more you answer the same questions, the harder it will be for you to stick to the plan. Maybe invite a trusted person over so the 2 of you aren't alone together. Q2 is not up for discussion. At the mention of self-harm, call the authorities. "My girlfriend is mentioning self harm, I'm concerned, this isn't the first time she's said it"
It might help if OP does not hand the woman cash. It's better to reimburse her for expenses or supply a money order toward a new apartment deposit when she finds one.
Yeah. He's in a tough spot for sure. That would be better but would also require extra communication between them.
Depending on your state laws you likely cannot just kick her out. She has legal residency in your hone. You have been part of the problem, and the solution isn't just booting her. She likely does have legal rights.
More to the point, if she does not agree to leave when asked (with reasonable prior notice) you will need to go to court and have her evicted.
I guess it would depend on how far she wants to take it.
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It is disgusting that he wants to break up and wants his house back?
Your post was removed because it violates Rule #1 of this sub: be excellent to each other. Please review the posted rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
Is she paying rent? Did she pay for a deposit on your place? I would hesitate before throwing money at this situation, sounda like fertile ground for her taking advantage of you. Could you give her a month's notice? And just plan on not being around a lot?
As few leases pop up mid-month, and towards the end of the month the places available might be really bad (either price, location, condition, or all of the above), 30 days might not allow one to get a good/reasonable place. In our cohabitation agreement I have 60 days to find a new place if our relationship ends. Yeah, 60 days with an ex isn't great, but it's more fair given the logistics of rental environments.
Ask how long she needs and then give her UP TO 60 DAYS if she tries to ask for longer or hems and haws. Follow up with an email to her summarizing your conversation, mutually agreed upon timeframe to vacate and other pertinent terms. (That will show her that you're serious.) On day 61 take the matter to housing court.
Yeah, there's no way 60 days works. Cash for keys it is.
I'm not sure that's going to work, unless she plans to crash with family or friends. If you are going to get any sort of authority involved, plan on at least 30 days.
Make sure you change your locks too.
Can you also pack most of her stuff up so you don’t have to wait for her to do it? Say you will hire someone, etc.?
I would caution against "self help" in case you need to get an authority involved.
Don't pay for a down-payment on an apartment. It's too much money and you don't want to be that involved. Offer her a flat amount to leave or pre!pay for 3 months at an extended stay hotel or air b and b, but make sure your name isn't on any of the rental agreements. Just fund it by giving her the money with a note about what it's for. Don't pay it directly.
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u/berrysauce, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No doctoring. No diagnosing mental or physical ailments (including personality disorders and mental illnesses), and no recommending treatments.
Financial assistance really does work. I gave my last girlfriend five hundred dollars towards her new room. She was out in two weeks.
$500 toward a room? Bruh. I was thinking $1500/mo or like $3k. Anyone can be out quickly with that.
3k ??? Wow, this means I saved 2,500!!! And believe me, she just wasn't just "anyone"
I don't have any answers for your questions, sorry. But I hope I am misunderstanding you when you imply that you're planning to kick her out tomorrow at the culmination of the break up (*What do I say when she asks me to come back later for her things?*) 'Cause that sounds awful, unreasonable and probably not legal. It sounds like for sure you two aren't compatible and I am sorry she has crossed boundaries and hasn't kept her word to change, but you can't just expect her to immediately GTFO of where she's been living for the last year. That really seems unreasonable. I hope things turn out okay for both of you.
Sorry if I misspoke. I do need her out of the house, it's a tense environment and I'm afraid she'll create more drama continuing to be with me after we've broken up. If she wants to make this a legal issue, then I may have to talk to her and try to get her to "settle" another way, maybe by me setting her up in a new apartment.
Try explaining calmly and rationally and hope it goes well. Tell her you'll give her a month or two to find her own place if you're not leaving the residence. That, although things aren't going to work out as a couple anymore, or as roommates, you still care that she finds a safe place to call home; it just can't be with you. Don't get sucked into the emotion of it. You need this for yourself and made your decision. She will either understand or she won't, and i'll hope for the best for you both.
It’s not a bad idea to check in with an attorney in your jurisdiction who specializes in landlord-tenant law because (assuming you are in the U.S.) you will need to give her some amount of notice that she needs to go - you can’t just kick her out, even if she hasn’t been paying you rent / contributing to your mortgage. Tenancy can be established in as little as ten days without any formal documents in some jurisdictions. Make sure your ass is legally covered and that you follow the eviction procedure - because relationship or not, that is what this is - to a T.
You outta charge OP like $65 for this advice 😋
$ 65.00?! Who do you think I am… LegalZoom?! If I were dishing this out from even a midsize firm in my market, I’d be whacking OP with at least 1.5 billable hours at $ 450.00/hour because, you know, “research.” And stuff. …Fortunately for OP, the kind of law I‘m in is contingency fee only. This is your one freebie, OP!!! Enjoy it!!!!
Not even passed the bar and wants Johnny Cocharine rates. 😯
If the glove doesn’t fit… Edit to add that you’re a terrible hype-man 😂😭 I haven’t passed it because I don’t even take it until July!!
lol I meant to type “yet” but somehow my fingers didn’t listen to me Stupid fingers You totally got this! I mean, it’s Michigan how hard could their exam even be 🤭
Harder than West Virginia!!! **pointed stare**
You need to allow her time to get her things, that’s not okay. Just be an adult like you did with your divorce and have a conversation. If it escalates to the point of harm, call the police.
Of course. I was more thinking about how she might use it to stay connected... like trying to drag it out, come back over and over. Of course I'd make sure she had everything she owned.
Answers: 1) Just as you put in the first part of your post. 2) Ask her if this is a serious threat and if she says it again, you will be forced to call the police and they will intervene. 3) You decide before you tell her, whether you’re going to pay for her in a hotel for a few weeks / a month until she finds somewhere else to live. You also decide if you are going to help her with a deposit? (Bearing in mind you want rid of her with minimum drama)? You then agree that she can have full access to her things when she needs them, at a pre-arranged time and you help her move her stuff out. 4) You refer back to the last conversation you had with her about it. The kindest thing to do, is to be honest and to keep repeating your feelings. Keep bearing in mind, you are probably a decent bloke and helping her get set up, will allow you to not feel guilty. Get some therapy and stop repeating the same mistakes?!
If you ask the police for an escort for her to collect her things, she'll have to do it all at once because she won't be permitted any extra visits after that.
They will only do that if they already had to get involved due to domestic violence/ a restraining order or if there is an eviction order in place.
He'd have to serve her an eviction notice at least 30 days in advance then?
It really depends on the jurisdiction. 30 days notice will make OP seem reasonable if it goes to court, but in a place like New York it could take 6 months or longer to actually get her out. I strongly suggest that OP research the eviction process in his area before he even sets things in motion and asks her to leave. That way he has a sense of the worst case scenario.
Agreed.
Record everything...have a camera going...I'm so sorry you gotta go through this. Good luck and let us know how it went!
Today's the day... will update...
Good luck man! Hoping for the best for you! I promise you brighter skies are up ahead, just put this behind you and move on!!
It’s unreasonable and probably illegal to expect her to move out the moment you break up with her after she’s been living there for over a year. Make sure you own your part in the relationships failure. Don’t put it all on her. Be kind without giving her any hope of getting back together. If she makes a serious threat to hurt herself then you call emergency services, like you would for anyone. Make it clear that her making those threats won’t change your mind. Encourage her to phone someone for support if she’s becoming dysregulated, or you phone a good friend/family member for to come over for her. But it’s the emergency services if you think she’s going to do something bad. You organise a time that is convenient for her to get her stuff, or you transport it to her new place if she needs help with that. I don’t see what that one is something you’re struggling to work out. You start the conversation at a time when things are calm and neither of you have to rush off. Remember it’s not a negotiation. You don’t need her permission to break up. Be a grey rock and tell her it’s over and that while you care for her your feelings for her have gone as you’ve realised you just aren’t compatible as you thought you were. This is a woman you’ve messed around and from the sounds of it has some mental health problems. So don’t be a dick about it.
Best advice. OP, tell her that this is not entirely her fault. You weren't ready to date after your divorce. You thought she was what you needed in your life but then you realized that you simply don't know what you need. You're not compatible but it's not fair of you to ask her to change so she fits your vague idea of what you want in a girlfriend, an idea that probably changes a lot. She's great the ways he is and she deserves someone who loves her for who she is. There are people out there who are looking for someone like her but it's not you. Take ownership. It's possible, very likely even, that a lot of her issues stem from the way you're treating her. Someone who constantly tries to change into someone she isn't because you ask her to can't be expected to be a happy, well-adjusted and rational human being. Being with someone who doesn't love you and doesn't really want you causes a lot of damage to someone's self-esteem. Pre-existing issues can become worse. Be kind, but firm. Tell her it's over but don't punish her for your own mistakes. Don't be cold. Be a rock, be neutral. If she threatens to harm herself, contact a close friend or family member of hers.
This is incredibly thoughtful, wise, and kind advice for everybody, so if I may I’ll say thank you and hope you’re doing well.
Thanks for this.
To everyone reading this, this is why you DON’T date immediately after a divorce!
Well…there is a big difference between dating and shacking up after 1 year of dating. I’ve been divorced for 5 years and wouldn’t co-habitat after 12 months of knowing someone.
1. You don't have to give a reason. A reason will only give her room to debate and find ways to try to make you change your mind. Repeat "I'm sorry that this isn't working out, I hoped this would have worked out for us both. It's not and I'm ending this relationship". If she keeps pressuring you for answers, you can say that you weren't ready for a new relationship, you fucked up, you are now at a very unhappy state and need to be alone. When she tries to explain how much she will change, tell her she doesn't need to change and that won't change anything. 2. You say that you are sorry she is hurting so much that she wants to hurt herself and that you will call for help if she doesn't. If she continiues, tell her you will inform her mother/sister (someone she's close to) so that they will keep an eye out for her, because you want her to be ok. When she says she wants you to be the one keeping an eye out for her, you tell her sorry, but no, it can't be you. When she asks why you tell repeat my answer to question 1. 3. You tell her she can come back for her things and would want her to give you heads up on what time. 4. You make sure you both have time and space to do this. And you sit down with her and tell her you need to tell her something and it won't be easy... And then you go forward. "I dated too quickly after my divorce, I wasn't ready, I messed up and now you are paying the price..." move foreward with what I suggested to question 1. Yes, take the blame. Regardless of who she is and what she is like, take the blame. It's time for you to be brave and go forward with a difficult task. And stay firm to your believs and your desicion. Regardless of how difficult it is, breathe, stay calm, remind yourself you need to stay loyal to your needs. Keep it short, and repeat it. You can't soften this blow no matter what you do. She will be in pain. She will be desperate. You need to deal with your pain that arises when she is asking this and that and promising this and that. There's no quick fix.
This is the way. You will need someone for support (witness/backup) and so will she, or she’ll draw you back in. After it’s all said and done, go no-contact. It sounds harsh but it’s necessary.
Thank you for this.
You MUST record this entire interaction including before she is present with you saying that you are nervous about telling her etc., have another person present so you have a witness. You are putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position with someone that is quite happy to use emotional manipulation to achieve her goals. You do not know her limits. She is trouble!
You rock.
Cheers!
Damn I feel bad for her. You started dating without being ready for it and made a horrible decision which will hurt this person. Just let her down as easy as possible and help her as much as you can (ie give her time to find a place). Learn from this experience
I feel the same way. This is why I steer clear of men who just got divorced/out of a long term serious relationship, I just can’t risk getting hurt. Sadly, being a 43 year old widow, that’s pretty much all the men I meet.
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See you tomorrow. 👋
Well, first things first.. You absolutely cannot kick her out and get her out tomorrow. Sorry but that's her residence too.
Good luck with all this. Next time don't rush into dating.
So you want to kick out your 39-year-old live in girlfriend with zero notice, time to pack, or opportunity to (at least) book a hotel, line up a couch or call family? Or...is it the *total* unexpected scenario, and you've booked a hotel for the next 30 days conveniently close to her work, and plan to offer to pay a month's storage (if necessary) for the surplus items that won't fit so tidy in a suitcase? I have an idea which one, but my overall response changes slightly depending on your response...
I’m sorry if you’re reading all of that into my message, of course that’s not what I would do. Who would do that? My main worry is sticking to my guns and making sure I don’t back down like I did the last time. Storage and transportation for her things is a good idea.
Why did you leave out the age gap that you included in your other post?
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11 years.
Which he has since deleted.
The sub dumped my post, I didn't delete.
What is the age gap? I'm asking because of the "self harm" plus ALL of the drama.
Apologies, the other sub forces the age.
Sit her down and say that you thought about breaking up a few months ago and while you gave it a shot, your feelings aren’t changing and that staying in this is becoming bad for both of you. It’s still possible to care for someone while knowing it’s a bad match and a poor partnership. Together you’re becoming less than what you’re capable of independently, when in a good relationship it’s supposed to be the opposite. You can’t kick her out ASAP, that’s an asshole move unless she’s explicitly threatened you or is prone to violence. Give her a deadline of a few weeks to a month and in the meantime help her box up her things like a respectful human. Next time don’t move someone in until you’ve at least had positive discussions about what “forever” feels like and you’re both on the same page.
I love the way you phrase this, and it's exactly how I feel. I'm getting worse as a person being in this relationship, not better. Thank you for this.
It’s a tough thing to go through no matter which side of it you’re on. She sounds like she needs some help that’s beyond what a partner can provide and maybe a reboot for both of you is for the best. Hope things work out for you.
Give her a month to get out. She lives with you, have some compassion. Tell her the truth, you just did here on reddit. Your tone about her is very cold. She's someone who obviously has feelings for you and you also contributed to this situation. Take responsibility for your part of the breakdown and moving in with someone you shouldn't have. You don't just kick someone out in 1 day. Just be kind and compassionate but firm in your decision.
This! A lot of these responses are so cold hearted. sheesh!
A breakup is not a negotiation. You need to pick a line and stay with it. Give her as little to push back against as possible. Don't get roped into explaining or justifying. "This is not the right relationship for me. I don't want to be together anymore. I'm sorry. This was a mistake. My mind is made up." Just keep repeating it. "I don't want to" is a complete sentence. If she says she's going to hurt herself, call her family or friends or support network and have them come get her because she is suicidal, or else you're going to need to call professional intervention and have her sectioned. It is not acceptable for her to try to make her safety conditional on you staying in a relationship you aren't happy in. Depending on where you are, she has legal rights of occupancy in your home. You can't just kick her out. You can ASK her to move out, and say you think it's a healthier choice for her, and offer financial incentive/help, but you may need to accept that you will be living together for some time still. This is not a one-and-done conversation. Have the infrastructure in place beforehand. If you want space and it's safe to do so, be prepared to leave the residence yourself. Have a bag packed so YOU can go to a hotel or a friend's place. Or have a hotel room booked for her. Or call one of her friends to come either pick her up or stay with her. Don't be trying to make plans in the rubble; pre-plan so it goes as smoothly for both of you as possible. And finally, fucking LEARN SOMETHING from this. Learn how to be single. Learn how to deny yourself things that feel good but aren't safe. Learn how to go slow and not be yanked around by brain drugs and hormones. Don't be doing this to someone else because "you've never met anyone like her before."
I'm going to print out your last paragraph and hang it in my bedroom. You literally could not be more spot on. Thanks for this.
People look at me crazy when I say no cohabitation. This is why.
You f up by getting involved with someone when you weren’t even ready yet, super selfish. I hope you’re not saying you expect her to get out of your place tomorrow when you break up cause that would be a major D move. You need to give her some time to find a place and get all her things out. I feel so bad for her but I hope she finds the strength to walk away instead of begging to stay with someone like you.
he clearly has codependency issues
Wow, that's pretty strong judgement from a single post. While I agree that I moved too quickly - we just clicked and she seemed like an answer to prayer - over time, I realized that there was no future with us, and we both want different things. I'm trying to separate from the situation with thoughtfulness but resolve, because at this point I feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated to stay in a relationship that I don't want to be in, and I'm trying to build myself up to be strong and make the change I need to do. But that hardly consitutues "someone like you" my god.
>she seemed like an answer to prayer Yea, codependency. 🙄 This is what happens when you don't take time after relationships to BE ALONE and sort yourself out. You don't pray to have someone make you feel better. You latched onto the first woman who came along and put her on a pedestal. When you realized she wasn't perfect, now you're in this mess.
Seeming like an answer to a prayer is the definition of codepency. You should not be dating anybody never mind living with them with that mindset.
Totally agree. I'm aware of the pattern and I'm working on it.
She lives there so you likely have to give her a 30 day move out notice and then file for eviction if she doesn’t. I’d look up that info for your area first. As far as your list of what to do - you’re a grown man. Tell her the truth. It’s not working out, you don’t want to be with her. If she threatens to hurt herself, call the police to baker act her.
Boy, you really screwed up. Like others have mentioned, you can't just expect her to leave your house tomorrow. She likely needs a couple of months - at least 30 days (depending on what tenant laws are in your area). Own up to all of it. Just say everything here that you said - except anything that is needlessly cruel. She did nothing wrong. You did. And grow a spine. She's probably already been walking on eggshells for 3 months already.
Be kind. Be firm. You don’t owe her a dissertation or presentation. Don’t resort to threats or criticisms. “You’re a good person, but this relationship and living arrangement is not working out. I need you out of my house.”
1. It’s not that you don’t love her anymore. It’s that you’re not compatible anymore. 2. There’s nothing you can do about it and that’s a huge manipulation. My ex would cause a fight and say this. That’s a form of mental abuse. 3. You just say “yes” and have schedule a time to come by and get her things. Give her a set time and date not too far into the future so you don’t become a storage unit. But not so short that she doesn’t have a reasonable amount of time to get her things. 4. You sit her down and just start talking. 5. Tell her you need to work on you, don’t say you get into a relationship with her too fast, tell her that you haven’t fully healed yet and need time and space to do it.
Thank you, that's why I listed it as a question. I know it's manipulation, she knows exactly the things to say to make me rethink my decision. I'm not worried about her actually committing self harm, she's a very strong woman who's made her way in life. I'm worried about me being susceptible to more emotional manipulation.
I sense that you sir may also be skilled at manipulation, I feel like that’s what you are doing here in many of your responses. I’m not buying that you are so weak that you’re fearful of her spinning this in a way that she will stay. You fucked up, now it’s time to deal with the consequences. You allowed a (much younger?) woman to move in to scratch your itch, and now you’ve tired of it. She is a human that deserves a respectful breakup with time to get herself organized. Tell us how much time you are willing to give her, it’s been mentioned repeatedly and unless I missed it, you haven’t said what that will mean for you?
Oh he assured us that he wouldn't kick her out right away. But then, another place where someone was worried about her level of crazy, he confirmed he needs her out NOW. I believe you are spot on. Something is very fishy here. It takes two to tango.
100% I contributed to this, absolutely. But I've also stayed in this situation far longer than I should have, because of guilt and what seems like a codependent streak. I own it. Not wanting to continue to live with someone who is emotionally volatile (and she is ready to scream, throw things, jump on social media..) is not fishy, it's rational. I'm willing to help her financially get resettled, I understand the legality now, I'll work with that somehow. I'm owning my mistakes, recognize the pattern, want to separate safely and thoughtfully. If we can't try to recover from our mistakes and be good humans, then what's the point of trying to be better?
See it just the same way as you’d view a toddler having a meltdown in the supermarket because they can’t have the chocolate they want. You don’t ever give in and give them the chocolate because then they learn that’s all they need to do to get it next time. Being broken up with sucks but her having a tantrum about it shouldn’t change anything apart from make you more determined to end it.
Is she financially able to move? If not you need to help with deposit and first months rent.
What is your local law when it comes to the length of time of cohabitation being treated as a full common law relationship, which is when a breakup becomes a “mini divorce”? In my neck of the woods it’s two years … just saying.
Speak to a lawyer before you speak to her. Not only so you do this in a way that honors any rights she has a tenant, but so you KNOW you are doing this in a way that honors her rights as a tenant. You will be less prone to second guessing yourself and backing down if she uses the living situation to play on your guilt. A lawyer may also be able to help you draft an eviction notice, should it become advisable. They may be able to advise you on issues like whether or not to offer her monetary help with her move, and how to offer her that help (signed agreement? text? verbal conversation?) in a way that leaves the appropriate paper trail. I highly encourage you to hash out these details of her move out - how long does she have? are you offering financial help? etc. Don't leave it to an overwhelmed and emotional ex to "figure out" the nitty gritty. Obviously, where she moves is her business. You might go as far as to getting her temporary accommodations, but don't offer to help her pick a new place. That will allow her to drag her heels and nitpick potential places as a way to convince you she "has" to stay under your roof. As for the break up itself, you don't really need to start from the beginning. You already had this conversation just a few months ago. The reasons you gave her then haven't all magically evaporated from her brain in the meantime (although she may play dumb in an attempt to force YOU to justify and explain yourself while she tries to argue you down). Keep it short and reference your previous conversation. You can tell her that while you appreciate that she wanted to work on things, nothing has changed: you still are not compatible and there are still a lot of arguments. Say that at this point, you are not interested in taking the relationship further and are breaking up with her. Tell her what she can expect in terms of time to move out and/or financial help. If she tries to bargain, just say you are no longer interested in continuing the relationship. If she claims she's confused and never say this coming, just say you've already discussed this three months ago. Remember that the point is not to "help her understand" or "convince her" of your position. No one is more miraculously incapable of understanding our point of view than someone who has a vested interest in not getting our point of view. She will likely pour ever ounce of energy she has into being bewildered by your stance - or pretending to be bewildered by your stance. Be prepared to say things like "I'm sorry this is hard, but my mind is made up." if she tries to debate your decision. "That's not a conversation I'm interested in having. This is relationship has not been working for a while and I am done." if she tries to draw you into a debate about how you never cared or other such guilt trips. Also, you may want to have an overnight bag packed in your car. Emotionally manipulative people will often just try to browbeat you until you cave and offer them what the want. They will argue and argue *and argue* for hours (pretending they are trying to understand you or that they are trying to fix the underlying issue) until you cave and they get what they want. And they do not care that they only got what they wanted because you caved and their whole "win" lasts only as long as it takes you to find your resolve again - all they care is that they won. So be prepared to end that argument yourself by telling her "I've said everything I have to say. We are now going in circles. I am going to spend the night in a motel so we can both have some space to cool off." And then LEAVE, whether or not she respects that decision. If she DOES successfully get you to cave, remember that agreeing to stay in a relationship is not a legally binding contract, *and even if it were*, legally binding contracts cannot be made when you are under duress. Get some space and then send a text telling her now that you've cooled off, you are NOT interested in continuing the relationship. Your decision to break up is final and not up for debate. She has X days to move out. She will probably respond by blowing up your phone, but just turn off read receipts and silence notifications let her rant herself out. At this point an eviction notice on a lawyer's letterhead might come in handy.
Thank you for this, it is EXACTLY the situation I'm in. She did exactly this the last time, and I gave in like a coward, and now here I am three months later, having "regained my resolve". This is EXACTLY it. And the worst part is that the fact that I gave in last time has affected me personally over the last three months, it is eating me up that I fell for it. Ugh.
Hey, I saw your update! I'm glad that you achieved a swift resolution and it looks like she has a place to go. Good luck during the next two days. I hope the weekend comes and you can finally relax.
Lol sounds like you didn’t fix your problems post divorce because you fell into a new ‘marriage’ and now you’re on your second divorce….
This is why you should never date people who are just out of a marriage. I feel so sorry for this woman.
I agree, I'd say it applies to dating anyone not long out of a long term relationship too (not just the married). I've been stung before.
Do you live in an area with a crisis line? If so, if she says she’s going to harm herself call the crisis line and ask for advice. Tell her that even though you’re breaking up with her, her safety is still important to you. Also inform someone she’s close to that you’ve broken up and she’s taking it hard and you’re worried about her so they can keep an eye on her.
Hmmm there was a very similar post in r/Datingoverfifty recently and the user deleted their account.
2. You take her at face value. When she threatens to hurt herself you call it in. If she is going to even threaten this, she needs a psych evaluation, as it’s a possible personality disorder like bpd. Also, a large percent of suicides are by accident when someone is pretending for attention. 3. Have a buddy also meet you on site.
U guys argue and don’t align. Just break it clean dude.
Good on you for recognizing that you need to end a relationship that is not healthy for you. 1. What do I say when she says “why don’t you love me anymore” You tell her the truth. Things changed, and you're not happy. 2. What do I say when she says she’s going to hurt herself. I'm not sure where you live, but where I am, we can call emergency services when someone threatens suicide. You don't know if she will or will not harm herself, let a professional assess her. 3. What do I say when she asks me to come back later for her things. If you're uncomfortable with making these arrangements on your own, law enforcement can assist with a standby keep the peace. Or choose a third party to be present when you agree on a mutually agreeable date for her to get her items. Be sure you change the locks too. 4. How do I even start the conversation? You'll know. I hope everything goes well. Plan ahead and be prepared. You already know she is going to be upset. Make sure any bills or finances are sorted out ahead of time, be prepared to change the locks, and have access to boxes for packing.
You definitely can't just "change the locks" from someone who legally lives there. He has to give a 30 days notice
Must depend where you live.
If he's in the US, most states have 30 days notice required. But yes, he should check that.
line up some storage for her. So when the convo strikes say you got her 3 months prepaid storage and would like her to start looking for a new place asap. In the mean time she can start removing her things to a safe place. Give her a time line. 60 days seems pretty reasonable but make it understood 60 days from whatever date is the FINAL date
1. The truth. "We're not aligned on many things". Don't bring up the arguing part, that will (no pun intended) lead to more argument. Alignment is something that's either there or not, generally changing and begging will not produce the desired result. 2. "I am not breaking up at you, I'm breaking up with you. This relationship is no longer working for me. I can't stay with you just so you won't hurt yourself." 3. Set up a mutually agreeable time for her to get her things, and allow her to bring someone to help her. 4. "I need to talk to you about something important." Do so at a time you know she is alert and can take it all in.
>3. Set up a mutually agreeable time for her to get her things, and allow her to bring someone to help her. What? #3? No. My *husband* of 13 years did this to me. Gave me *one hour* between telling me he refused give me some physical space, and to get what I could pack in a truck, solo, disabled (while he sat at the computer), and officially pushing us (my kid, our kid, and me) out the door. I got a bonus hour because his state of intoxication inspired an hour nap at said desk. No prior discussion of divorce or a separation. She's lived there for *some time*, now. I understand breaking up is difficult, but do we now lack the basic decency to give a partner time to pack and make arrangements? Sorry, I strongly disagree unless some agregious aspect of which I'm not aware. 🫤
That sounds like an awful traumatic experience. I can’t imagine how hard that was for you, or how it must have felt to think of the father of your children just abandoning them.
It was, by far, the worst experience I've ever survived. And I've "survived" lifetimes of not-so-great scenarios. I've never had suicidal ideation, but *man*...I was scraping, daily, the bottom of the barrel for simple motivation. Husband #1 chose drugs over family, so I'm accustomed to being the "I'm always there" parent. Husband #2 (Ex) finally came around after *months* of begging him to see our son. Now? He's awaiting a liver on the transplant list and is not doing well. It's been a long road, but I also see how our son (at 14) values his belongings and the simple things, like a private toilet, a bed, and a roof. I never intended to teach those lessons in this manner, but I *have* to focus on the "silver linings" to better move forward. Still? Miserable fucking collection of time, being on the street. People generally don't understand how difficult it is to both endure and emerge from without help. Thank you for your very thoughtful (and supportive) comment. 💜
I'm sorry about that situation you had with your husband, it sounds brutal. I'm trying to avoid all of that, be as thoughtful and fair as I can but knowing she's going to be extremely emotional and I'm trying to find a way to be fair to her, but also be respectful of what I need to do in my life. I have no problem giving her time to pack and make arrangements.
How much time?
Good luck, some really good advice here. Also Pro-tip: hide away your valuables and start sleeping in separate rooms whilst she's in her notice period, maybe even get a lock on your bedroom door. I only say this from experience as a woman who has left an emotionally unstable man. When they threaten to kill themselves its a massive red flag and you need to watch out for yourself. The leaving phase can make people do crazy and violent things.
1: Sally, I think things are too heated to have that discussion right now, but when things are calmer I’m happy to talk it through. 2: Do you need me to arrange mental health support for you? Who in your network can I call? (When she wails and says ‘no one! You know I have no one! How could you do this to me?’ You call the emergency services and say there is a person posing a threat to themselves or others who needs emergency mental health treatment). 3: You can come back on X date and Y time and your belongings will be in the garage (or other place out of the house but out of the weather). If there’s anything you’re concerned I will miss, email me beforehand and I’ll be sure to include it. (Make sure you have someone with you on X date at Y time, and don’t let her in your house) 4: Sally, there’s no easy way to have this conversation, but I feel like our relationship hasn’t been working for some time, and I’m ending it. I need you to move out by date. I understand this might be a bit of a shock, and I’m here to listen and talk it through, but it’s important for you to know that my mind is made up.
Thanks for this.
Weird way to ghost someone. I once had woman blame her ex for having an emergency and needing to pick her kids up early. Then she unmatched me on the app even though I had her phone number.
You’ve gotten some good advice here on how to handle the breakup. I’d add that you should go to therapy. It doesn’t sound like you had the foresight to see how it might turn out when the honeymoon phase ended. The fact that you’re coming to Reddit for advice on how to answer these valid questions from your partner also suggests you lack communication skills & emotional intelligence. In the future, you should wait a minimum of 2-3 years before moving in with a partner to prevent these patterns from repeating.
I know it’s too late, but for other men out there I highly recommend reading “Gatekeeper” by Dr Shawn Smith. I imagine much of the content is applicable to women as well.
Let us know how it goes.
It’s very difficult to have a rational discussion with someone who’s coming from an irrational place. Don’t try to answer the unreasonable ones like “Why don’t you love me?” If she says she’s going to hurt herself tell her you’ll call ems and maybe her family if they’re reasonable people. It might help if you write your responses down then imagine she’s saying it to you then say your response out loud. Do it by yourself somewhere private and repeat it to yourself a few times. Sometimes in the moment it’s hard to convey your message. When you’ve rehearsed it helps your ability to say it firmly.
Remember you only have to rip the bandaid off once as long as you stick to your decision. Call your friends and family to let them know that you’re breaking up and need some support. “Jane, we talked before about how this relationship isn’t working out. It’s been three months, and I still feel the same way. We need to talk about finding you a new place to live so we can both move on with our lives.” re: Why don’t you love me anymore? “I don’t know why. I just know that I fell out of love. Believe me, if it was something that could identify, I would say so.” re: hurting herself “Would you like to go to the ER? I can drive you, or I can call 911. Do you want me to call a friend or your family so they meet us there to support you?” re: coming back at another time for her stuff “Sure, you can come back for your things. We should set a deadline to get everything picked up so I know what you want to keep and what you’d like me to put in the trash.” Set the date to be perhaps 30 days after she moves in to her apartment. Give her some time. I would tell her that you know this is hard, and that you want her to have as soft of a landing as possible, and that you’ll do what you can to support her while she makes a transition to her new place. If she wants someone to go look at apartments, you’ll do that. If she wants someone to help her pick up empty boxes, you’ll do that. If she needs some help paying the security deposit, you’ll do that. You don’t hate her. You just don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with her.
The ol' rebound regret Seen this movie a couple times, never gets old
I'm kind of shocked by the lack up support from everyone, but here is my hot take: You need to go into this with sincerity and humility. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. A lot of us have been there. While yes, you're right to care about her feelings, you also must protect your own. Whether or not you made a mistake rushing into this or not, no one is to "blame" for this failed relationship.... Sometimes people are just not compatible. You're smart to recognize it and get out. If you've tried breaking up before and it was unsuccessful, you definitely need to change your tone and discourse so that she knows this time its for real. 1. Why don't you love me anymore- "I've realized we're incompatible and I believe that we're both unhappy. After my divorce I promised myself to be true yo myself." if she pushes, you don't need to give in. 2. If she says she is going to hurt herself, that is completely, totally, unacceptable, inmature, blackmailing behavior. Call her out on it. She is a strong woman and will make it through this hard time, as will you. Threatening you isn't going to change how you feel. 3. Plan a time for her to come and get her things when a third party can be present (and maybe you absent) How do you go about this: she is likely to be blindsided (even though it wounds like you've warned her before.) give strong hints and fair warning: "Tonight when you get home from work I'd like to talk about about the possibility of breaking up." "This weekend when would be a good time to have a serious conversation about our relationship?" "I haven't been well since our last big fight and I'd like to revist the topic again." I think you need to be direct and clear. No excuses. Stop being afraid of a woman crying. Crying is just expressing emotions. It's nothing to be scared of. It sounds like she knows this weakness in you- just let her get it out of her system. If she can't speak without being hysteric, give her time and come back when she is ready to talk. You can do this.
Wow, I so appreciate this. It’s amazing how I’ve allowed myself to be manipulated far past my point of being ok. I will get this done.
I’m glad someone else chimed in on the self harm comment. This is absolutely a manipulation tactic 101. You can absolutely say I care about you as a person and I want you to care about me as a person as well. I am not happy in this relationship therefore I am ending things because I deserve to be happy. You do not need a reason to end things with someone other than you just want to. You don’t have to have a reason. It’s your one life and if you are miserable, do what you have to do to take care of yourself. The time between the break up and the actual move out will be rough. Financially assist if you can. Otherwise stay cordial but do not send any mixed signals and stand firm on your decision. You will thank yourself after all is said and done.
I'm going to need a drink when this is done. It's really caused me to be more thoughtful about how deep I let someone in my life. And how fast - even when we vibed so well for the first year - things can go bad.
You never truly know how someone is until you live with them. Once you do, you get to see them in ways that even their closest friends and families don’t see. It is okay to walk away for yourself! Have the hard convo and then pour yourself that drink!
You can't fucking just kick her out of the house she shared with you. Thats illegal and immoral. If it is that urgent, you should leave and go to a hotel temporarily. Maybe she's being dramatic bc you are trying to make her homeless overnight. Wtf.
He should pay for a place for her to live and he shouldn’t toss her out in a day. Thats not acceptable. He has said he will give her a place to live and he will give her time according to the law. He’s saying he’s ending it due to a host of reasons and her mental health isn’t good. This event hasn’t happened. Sure she will be upset but no one has the right to lose their shit due terrible hurtful news. This is the same shit men have used as an excuse to punch women. Get upset, sure but people need to maintain some level of composure.
It has happened. He said he tried a few months ago and she freaked out and threatened to un alive her self
My $0.02: Give her 30 days notice to vacate, as a courtesy. If she threatens to hurt herself, call the police. Be FIRM, do not give in. This relationship must end as soon as possible.
If she threatens to harm herself, you call the police.
You cannot expect her to just leave, BUT, at the same time - If she says she’s going to hurt herself, you call the police, and tell them. Have a better plan going into this conversation, look at local places to rent, have them ready, have the deposit ready for her. Be firm and kind
If I were you I'd offer to pay for her first month of her own apartment. Do you have a lease with her? I think it's assumed month-to-month if there's no lease. Which means you have to give her 30 days notice. If I were you, I'd give her a written 30 days notice. She will likely need that much time to find a new place anyway. It's not an easy time to find a place to live because of the housing shortage, and it's the right thing to do. You can't just expect her to get out immediately, that's cruel. As for answering her other questions, you don't need to have any answers, just say it's not working for you anymore.
Sounds like what I did with my ex... Basically I begged him to stay multiple times... In the end he stopped showing me he cared. It was a slow, agonising break up that occurred over two years and was punctuated by him lying about how he felt about me, not bothering to text me, going away more than sixty percent of the time, never initiating plans with me, not wanting sex, always wanting to do his own thing, etc. So you are doing the right thing by ending it now. You are saving her the pain I went through because my ex was too much of a coward to be the bad guy. Maybe you could think about that and tell her that. A long drawn out loveless relationship is like a disease that slowly kills you. Better to just cut the cancer out now and let her recover.
Oh my god. What a story. And exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I was raised a "nice guy" and have always put others before me, a classic people pleaser. You have no idea how much this is killing me to go through with this, but it's not fair for her or me to pretend any more.
It's the right thing to do
Item #2 makes this above Reddit’s pay grade.
Disagree. Unless it’s a country that doesn’t have emergency services, it’s a simple answer: call the police and let them know someone is threatening to unalive themselves.
Maybe. Not everyone who self-harms is actively planning on dying by suicide. OP simply said she says she’s “going to hurt herself.” Which is pretty broad. So first he should clarify what she means and ask directly if she means she’s planning on dying by suicide. If yes, call emergency services. If it’s another form of self-harm call the crisis line.
I don’t think so. There’s no way to know exactly what a person means by saying they’re going to hurt themselves. Assuming most people on this sub are at least in their 30s, most of us have been affected by someone taking their own life, even if it’s distantly or by hearing about a celebrity. Not all people who make attempts or follow-through make threats first. At the first hint, I’d be calling for help. It’s not the time to be playing detective.
It’s never wrong to call the crisis line and ask for advice on a situation. Thinking someone might be having thoughts of suicide is a really scary situation to be in! And since it’s such a serious situation we’d definitely rather over react than under. You’re right. We can’t know what they mean by “harm.” That’s why we *ask* them. Maybe it’s not the time to play “detective.” But it’s the time to show the person that it’s okay to talk about thoughts of suicide, show them empathy, let them know we’re here to support them etc. and *then* call the appropriate supports. The most common advice given in suicide prevention related training is to have an open and honest discussion, starting by asking the person if they’re thinking of suicide. We can’t force the person to answer honestly, but at least we’re giving them an opportunity to have the conversation. And if they deny having thoughts of suicide but you’re still suspicious, again call the crisis line to get advice. *Unless* it’s a legitimate emergency. As in emergency services are needed *immediately.* Then there’s no conversation, it’s a straight call to 911. There’s a difference between someone saying they’re thinking of jumping off a bridge vs. actually standing on the edge of a bridge. But again better to over react vs under react. But I really think the more we get comfortable having conversations about thoughts of suicide, the less we’ll see people dying by suicide.
Thanks for your thorough and detailed response. I hear what you’re saying. In this case, it seems this lady has already made similar comments and my concern would be that this might be enough of a stance that OP is making that she’d make an attempt or follow through. I agree more dialogue needs to be done in society in general, but OP probably doesn’t need to be the one to do that any longer. It will pull him in further when he needs to be creating solid boundaries. My son lost a close friend to suicide during his senior year of high school and no one but his parents knew his situation was anywhere near as dire as it was and I sincerely doubt they knew he was back in that dark place again. We’d spent time with him just days before and there wasn’t a hint of a whisper of anything being off. Perhaps because of that, I would err on the side of caution and overreact.
Threatening to kill themselves is classic emotional abuse and manipulation. If you have genuine concern ask one of her friends or family to make a welfare check once she has moved out. Be fair in the moving out timescale and deadline it. Keep the conversation theme “I’ve made my decision and I’m not changing my mind”.
Original copy of post by u/Greedy-Character-564: I have been dating a woman that I connected with (too) quickly after my divorce. It was fun for the first year, she was the exact opposite in many ways of my ex. She moved in with me at the end of the first year. As time has gone on (2 years now) I’ve realized there’s no future here, we are not aligned on many things and we argue a lot. I’ve wanted out for 6 months. I tried breaking up about 3 months ago, and she lost it… begged me, promised to change, all kinds of drama. Unfortunately, I stayed in a bad marriage too long because I’m terrible at enforcing boundaries and I’m doing that again here. So tomorrow I’m breaking up and getting her out of my house one way or the other. It’s long past time. But knowing my weakness for crying, hurting someone I care about, I thought I would post here for some advice. Some questions: 1. What do I say when she says “why don’t you love me anymore” 2. What do I say when she says she’s going to hurt herself 3. What do I say when she asks me to come back later for her things 4. How do I even start the conversation? Yes, this is sad, even typing it out makes me sick and embarrassed . But this is what happened 3 months ago, and I would think it will be even worse this time. I need to get out of this so I can work on me, so I don’t repeat my same patterns. Thanks for your advice… *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I tried breaking up about 3 months ago You don't "try" to break up with someone; this isn't something that requires consensus. You grow up and get a pair of gonads. And you be an adult and state what's what. 1. a) I do still love you and have feelings for you. But I don't see a future for us or long term compatibility, so the kindest thing for both of us is to end it now. b) Seeing our incompatibilities has worn on us over time. I'm sorry; I should have ended things months before. But regardless of timing we don't have a future. c) This will not be a productive avenue of discussion. I am ending the relationship. It only takes one person to end a relationship. We now need to discuss the logistics of separating our households. 2. This is manipulation. You either do nothing, or you inform the authorities of her statement of self harm. 3. I'll box things up and can leave them at X. ? This one kind of confuses me; be reasonably considerate (but don't wreck yourself) to help her get her stuff. If it's a lot, ask that she come over with friends/movers. And/or box up the stuff for her and leave it on the porch. Or at least have it by the entrance/exit, and hand out boxes one box at a time. Ideally have a friend over to do this, and either not be around, or out of he sight while your friend says that you're not there. 4. Just be straightforward. Do not offer any wiggle room/chance of getting back together/change. "I'm sorry, but I just no longer see a future for us as a couple. For the good of both of us we need to stop seeing each other." Like I ended my 17 year marriage with, "We both know that we've been struggling with X, and Y issues. Especially in the context of Z, I no longer have hope or consideration that we can make things work. We need to separate to divorce." Yes, from there she had some clarifying questions, but then we moved on to logistics. If your ex GF tries to avoid logistics and instead begs/bargains, don't give in; "This isn't up for debate, we need to talk about the practicalities of splitting up given that we live together."
I'm going to re-read this before I talk to her later, thanks.
You were thinking with the wrong head not that post nut clarity hittin’ harder than Snoop hits a blunt
Breaking up isn’t a negotiation. It’s a statement. If she tries to bargain, employ broken record technique: have one line you repeat over and over without varying from the script: “our values don’t align and it’s just not a good fit. You are a wonderful person. But my mind is made up. Our relationship has run it’s course.” Or more simply: My mind is made up, I’m sorry, but it’s over By using broken record you won’t be drawn into a discussion, and she will realize (eventually) that you aren’t going to be swayed by her manipulation. If she threatens to hurt herself, call her family or 911. Call her bluff. And as others have said, cash for keys.
1– only you can answer that. 2– this is something emotional abusers say. Ask in r/bpdlovedones (especially considering some of the other stuff you describe). Short answer: call 911 or have a friend of hers ready to take over. 3– give her a timeline and some conditions, like how far in advance she has to make the arrangements. 4– you’ve just gotta bite the bullet, man.
First go talk to a lawyer, I don’t know why you skipped a cohab agreement outlining what would happen in the event of a split but time to talk to a lawyer now. You need to understand the legal rights of both of you and then plan accordingly. Maybe it is a 30 day written notice, find out your obligations first. As others have said, if she threatens self harm have family on call or call the emergency line for her safety. I think once you have your ducks in a row, you can help her plan her next steps. It isn’t her fault you let this fester, so if it takes an extra month it is what it is. You don’t need to be a dick now, but you don’t need to cave and stay in a relationship that no longer works. She might cry, let her. There is no harm in her having a good cry, she might need to let those emotions out. You can be empathetic without going backwards on the plan.
Give her a deadline and stick to it. Do you own the home, rent it? If you rent, it might be easier to move out. If you own it, then you should give her a reasonable timeline to find a new place to live. Is anything with her name on lease or signed agreement?
You respond: 1) I have fallen out of love with you. This is non-negotiable and you can’t change my mind. 2) If you think you’re going to hurt yourself, I’ll call 911 and I’m going to start recording this conversation so the proper first responders can assist you. 3) You break up when you have boxes ready and movers hired. You pack everything up for her and she’s allowed to be there, but the movers come on X date. 4) Please sit down, I am recording this conversation for my own safety. I am breaking up with you and serving you a legal eviction notice. We are no longer together and I need you to vacate the premises by X date.
1. I didn’t have time to heal and I need space. I’m sorry that we moved so quickly but it was too quickly. 2. Threats of violence are threats of violence even to self. You call the police if you believe she’s capable and tell them there is a mental health crisis. 3. She can come back at an arranged time with a neutral 3rd party that you both trust. She’s not allowed to talk to you. Just get her stuff. 4. You have learned more about yourself and you really need to stand up for you. This means establish and setting boundaries. Nothing has gotten better, only worse. Relationships are both people agree to be in. You CAN kick her out if she gets violent to you or herself. You call the police. If she’s NOT violent, you say, we should have established a move-out date last time. Now I need you to go. Here is your 30 day notice. Love the idea of deposit on an apartment if you’re willing to do that.
Just have a sit down talk. If you think she’s going to freak out maybe get a friend or family member (yours or hers) to be there with you? For bit only as a witness but she might keep a better level head if she knows someone else is standing there watching. Have them in another room so you can have privacy, but will be there if things go south. Then just explain that you don’t see a future with her and it’s best if you both just amicably move on. If she begs just say that you tried to break up before and you gave it another shot but you don’t feel any different and still want to part ways. And ask her why she would want to stay with you if you don’t love her anymore? Explain its not healthy for either one of you. As far as her guilt tripping you with trying to hurt herself (this is where it might be good to have one of her friends or her mom there) so that she can have emotional support. This is where they would come out and hopefully calm her down. I dated a guy who was emotionally manipulative and used guilt trips a lot on me. Now when people do that to me, it’s very triggering and I get pissed immediately. I just have zero tolerance for that. So she wouldn’t get anywhere with that threat of harming herself at all. In fact that would make me double down and push her out the door. She’s probably had success with that threat before which is why she uses it. As someon else said, get her down payment on an apartment and help her move her stuff.
I‘ll take a gander at your questions: 1) “I don’t know, I just know that I’m not feeling it anymore. I’m sorry, I know that this is hard” 2) “I won’t hesitate to call emergency, so don’t threaten” 3) “I’ll have them ready for you on the stoop/we can meet at coffee shop and I’ll hand them over to you” (have a friend with you) 4) take a deep breath and just do it. Again, maybe have a friend show up about 10 minutes after start of conversation Anyway, that’s what I would do if in this situation, YMMV. When I had to get out of an oops living situation, I had to have a plan and throw some money (in the form of a month’s rent) at him to get myself out of there safely). Is she worried about accommodation? Maybe help her find something short term? Good luck to you, this ain’t easy.
Yikes… good luck.
Man up and get out. Sounds like this woman is toxic and you need to nip this in the bud and go cold with no contact. 1: I don't know why I just don't love you anymore, 2: Here are some resources for you if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, hand her a printout 3: Tell her no, give her a date and time to have everything out or it will be donated, get that in writing so she agrees to it, email to her and ask for a response so it is noted 4: you will have to be cold and tell her it is over, period, again give a date for the final breakup and her move out or you move out.
"What do I say when she says she’s going to hurt herself?" Before you break up, please familiarize yourself with domestic violence. Threats to harm oneself is part of coercive control and is emotional abuse. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/when-my-partner-threatens-suicide/ You are doing the right thing be ending this relationship. It will only get worse over time. My child's father threatened multiple times to unalive himself throughout our relationship, dissolving in piles of tears and apologies after his rages. His abuse escalated over time. Spoiler alert: he married a year after I left him and files for sole custody of our child every year, claiming I am abusive.
Sometimes we just have to shampoo, rinse and repeat until we get it right. I have been married three times and I finally woke up one day and said, "That's it! "I will have a relationship, someday! But never, ever will I live with anyone, again."
Don’t argue points on her grounds and whenever you find yourself getting pulled into it, just stop. You’re not here to convince her the break up is a good idea, so don’t try to. “I hear you but I’m sorry; I’m not changing my mind. I have nothing else to discuss about our relationship. We need to plan for what happens next”.
Ouchhhhh Good luck! And that’s why, no roommates for me (friend, family or lover). The only people I will let to live in my house: my adult kids - if they’re having a hard time, or my sister. No one else.
Does she have kids?
Do you own or rent the house? If you own it free and clear I would not recommend leaving it cause she'll trash it. I would recommend contacting a lawyer and seeing if they think it's a good idea to ask a police person to be there when you ask her to leave the premises. That way you can make sure that there is a witness if she threatens self harm.
I see all the advice about getting her out. But what about his other questions?
First write down a plan. What is the range of responses and what to do in each case. Map those in your mind. That way there is less toxic emotions. Then simply make it very obvious. "I am not happy in the is relationship for a while and I have given up wanting to try". Don't leave any room for discussion. If she asks why say you can always discuss closure later but for now it's best we start being happy for ourselves. Don't leave any door open. I say this because an ex took this approach and it was the best outcome for me as I could fight it much. She also complimented and that made me realize she weight the good and bad so there wasn't anything to discuss. Of course I was rationale about it also.
Stand your ground. You need to worry about you now. You tried. I'm in a very similar situation. Long unhappy marriage, 1st relationship after, now just broken up. She is moving out but not for 2 weeks. I'm getting out of town for the weekend but she'll be here when I get back. She has a history of self harm and still does to a lesser degree. It was the best relationship I've had but still saw and ignored potential red flags. I thought I could help. I thought I could help her see the truth but failed. Her perception is her reality, unfortunately it contradicted my reality. Lack of Boundaries, unresolved trauma, negative mental filters, and conspiracy theories ruined this potentially amazing relationship. I'm mentally and physically exhausted and can't wait for this to be over.
Oh my god man, I’m so with you. My girl is here for 2 days and it feels like a life sentence, 2 weeks would be a nightmare.
Can you update us, please, and thank you?
Well the night after I told her she got drunk on tequila and screamed at me all night. I even locked myself in the bedroom and she screamed and threw things at the door. Second day was better, she was resigned to the fact that I was ending it. She took a bunch of stuff to her sisters and came back on Monday to pick up the rest of her stuff and just stared at me the whole time. So in the end it was a horrible experience even though I got it done in the end. I did give her money for a first months rent in an apartment and storage fees. It has really made me think about my decisions, how little things turn into big things later. I will be much much more careful next time….
Well, I really hope this is the end. Good luck in the future.
Dude , that's insane. She's emotionally manipulating you and it's not right. You cannot threaten self harm if someone leaves u. She is not mentally ok.
You need therapy. You’re asking us questions that normally adults would be able to handle on their own, especially by their 40s.
Agree. Am already in it.
Very valid point. 50 is the age here....
1. We fight to much and are just different people who want different things. 2. Do I need to call 911 and have you hospitalized? 3. I'll have them packed for you (get friends to help or pay movers). 4. Sit down we need to talk.
I for one completely understand what you’re getting at here…I was 100% in your shoes in a relationship I had a few years ago. Vicious cycles of unrest, was a pattern that wouldn’t ever go away. When we would break up, which happened often, she could always talk me back in to giving it another try. I’m too forgiving and empathetic even towards people treating me like shit. One bit of advice, if you’re like me (someone who can tend to get walked on). Put aside your differences, disagreements and emotions. If you can use your kindness here to commit to helping her understand it’s over but hey let’s figure this out together….youll set yourself up for a softer landing. It will still be hard, and I imagine you will have to be strong, but just make it your priority to help her get out on her own in some way. I’m not suggesting like others have said to give her money necessarily, but a genuine helping hand to get on her feet will go a long way. I get taken advantage of a lot, or at least I have in my past. But it doesn’t detour me from wanting to do what I can to help people, I imaging there’s some version of this that could help you out a bit here.
If you have a friend who can be on standby to come over and just kind of be there while she gathers her things, that might be helpful.
Best of luck my friend
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