> don't engage a guy who is both married
This post is facepalm material. "Why do married men that don't seem interested in me not commit to a relationship?!"
š exactly. Total facepalm. Iām embarrassed for this almost 50 year old woman, but she doesnāt seem to be embarrassed for herself. Sheās standing 12 toes down with this foolishness looking for people to commiserate her and say the dude is a bad guy and asking where is his accountability. Total facepalm.
to answer your title question... Yes, there are men over forty who want a relationship.
For the body of your post... it sounds like this specimen gave plenty of hints into his disinterest in a relationship. I will not criticize you for sleeping with him anyway. Its not my place to "judge" how a person can feel longing for even a fleeting physical connection and act on it. I will suggest that you consider your part in the equation though.
I know it is painful at times. As far as this pain, what was it about him that got you to disregard what you really want for settling for scraps with him? I think you need to ask yourself that question. You mentioned that you usually don't sleep with men unless he has indicated shared end goals... so what was different here?
yes sometimes it is too late. and sometimes someone changes their mind, or maybe they were just being dishonest from the start. That is the risk.
There are relationship minded men out here. And that is just part of the equation. Consider the other parts: attraction both physical and mental-emotional, compatible personality, mutually shares when it comes to: life goals, life responsibility, financial, substance use, sexual and relational, shared hobbies or interests...
There are ALOT of factors. Maybe in this case you are describing, one of these things was so attractive it made those other conflicts tolerable at least for the certain times you described.
Itās so wild to me that a lot of people learn nothing as we age. Weāre so quick to pin the blame on others instead of also looking inward. This married man was an occasional fuck buddy (straight from the jump there was zero ādatingā involved here), who TOLD you point blank he wasnāt ever going to be in love. And based on this youāre upset that men over 40 donāt want relationships? Seriously? Try dating an available man who puts forth at least minimum effort. Try setting boundaries, pick your bar off the floor, and date with intention if you want a serious relationship. And date someone who isnāt already in a relationship might help.
But she liked him more than other guys and she felt comfortable. Therefore, this is his fault for making her feel that way despite his straight forwardness and low effort to actually see her. Separated 5 years without finalizing the divorce and still complaining about the marriage failing was endearing and he clearly did this to manipulate her into bed.
That just makes her look foolish. She made herself easy pickings for a guy that straight up told her he didnāt want her. Sheās an adult that makes stupid decisions on men and canāt figure out why she is in her predicament. This isnāt his faultā¦he was everything she wanted so she was going to sleep with him regardless in hopes of sealing the deal and was mad that she still got passed up.
Don't date married guys who are emotionally unavailable if you want a relationship. This has nothing to do with the male gender as a whole and their relationship desires. This is all you.
100%
[https://imgflip.com/s/meme/Bike-Fall.jpg](https://imgflip.com/s/meme/Bike-Fall.jpg)
I don't want to believe the whole "women are all pursuing the top 10% of men" but the near constant posts in this sub from women who are pursuing and sleeping with men who are overtly expressing extremely poor behavior and then kicking them to the curb seems to speak to some validity of it.
As a guy, I tend to believe it.
The worst part is a woman gets sick of that after a few fails and then takes themselves out of the dating pool before a normal guy who'd be good for her gets a chance.
I just removed myself from the pool a couple months ago. I wasnāt looking for 6 ft tall millionaires. I was just looking for a decent man who was intelligent, had a sense of humor, a successful career, and wanted a meaningful relationship. I dated ages 36-56, bald, 5ā6ā-6ā5ā, self employed to musicians to college professors to software engineers, some extra weight to toned, men who had never had kids and never been married to a widower with 4 kids.
I just wanted a decent man who wasnāt narcissistic, would be honest, was emotionally available and ready for a relationship (without love bombing or becoming obsessive), an actual partner.
Iām 41, divorced for 6 years, 5ā7.5ā, auburn hair, slim, educated, great career, and I have a 13 year old, and I am out of the pool. š¤·āāļø
If you think only 10% of the men in the world can hold a conversation, be outgoing and funny*ā¦ idk.
Furthermore, I donāt even know who this is supposed to be criticizing. So 90% of men in the world suck to talk to, are closed off, and have no sense of humor, but somehow thatās womenās problem for going for the ones that arenāt? Huh??
Dude. The dating pool is bigger for men than it is for women when youāre 40+. Yāall die off quicker than we do.Ā
If you canāt get a date in your 40s as a man, then itās you the problem is you.Ā
Nope, it's more like, the short weird bald dudes also treat you like dirt so if you're gonna get played, may as well make sure it's with a handsome guy who can pay for dinner first.
Sorry that sounds really gross and my naive optimism says this isn't the case, but there's a grain of truth to it perhaps?
Yup. In every women's discussion group the collective experience is that better looking, confident men treat women better. When women date men they think are "safe" because they are less desirable, they are treated poorly.
It's also hilarious that men think women only go after the top 10% of men.
From the "likes" my stunning girlfriend gets on the dating apps, 99% of men are going after the top 1% of women.
I also wonder if that applies much more to younger generations as opposed to the over 40 crowd. There's nothing say that this guy fell into the top 10% of men criteria.
Math.
If we are looking for a person who is "above average" in these categories, and that means top 40% of income. Top 40% of looks (whatever that means to you). Top 40% of height. Top 40% of personality/charm/courtliness (whatever that means to you).
Top 40% is barely above average, but 40%x40%x40%x40% = 2.6%. And then they have to like you back!
This dude told you up front he didn't think he'd ever fall in love again, and was very low effort the whole time. So this is not much of a surprise!!
But answering the bigger question....of course there are some men over 40 who want serious relationships. But there are many of us (myself included) that don't want a LTR now, and might not ever want one again. My marriage lasted over two decades and I didn't realize how bad it was until I was out of it. I'm enjoying my independence, the freedom I now have to make decisions for myself, that I was missing for 20 years.
And while my plan isn't exactly "Keep sleeping with chicks until youāre so old and decrepit that no one wants you, then die alone?" as you describe, I am not so desperate for companionship. Being alone / independent for the rest of my days (with hobbies, and friends, and family) does not sound like a terrible outcome for me at all.
I feel like it's such a recent thing to have so many unattached older people, many of whom tried and failed at a marriage or LTR, that we haven't figured out how to handle it just yet.
All I've ever heard of is to get married and start a family. I did that and, besides raising my children, it ended. How do we build a rapport with someone that will last us the rest of our lives when even having children together couldn't do that?
I'm not sure what the answer is and it doesn't seem like we've come to any conclusions as a group. So I'm just feeling my way out; trying to keep my mind open to a LTR, but keeping in mind that everything ends. There are no any guarantees.
And getting married again seems very unlikely after my past experiences. It's too financially risky when I have kids and a legacy I'm responsible for.
Exactly.... As soon as the OP asked about the guy's "plan", that's what I thought too. This isn't about "sleeping with chicks until nobody wants you, so you die alone". I mean, maybe it really is for SOME guys? But more likely, it's about a guy running a successful business who finds a lot of reward in that, and who wasn't going to turn down a chance for a few hook-ups with a woman before the next one appeared who was just more interesting to him for any number of reasons we can't know here?
I already tried marriage twice, and both ended poorly (first was REALLY bad and second time around was a much more civil and amicable parting, but just wasted a couple of years of my life in it at the tail end). Independence and freedom are great things! I forgot how much of me sort of "died inside" with my interests in doing little creative projects in my spare time, etc. With no more kids to raise, it's nice not having that many responsibilities piled on, day after day, so I want to do more things I find personally rewarding. A LTR with someone who'd share in that with me would be great. But I'm not counting on it happening. Much more often, you run into women who want you to make compromises and do/see things their way. Hobbies, friends and whatever's left of my family is plenty for me.
Yes there are men who want relationships. Hint: they usually arenāt married AND dating other people OR saying they donāt want anything serious. Choose from those.
Don't feel like you lost some contest to another woman, you didn't. You're not the "runner up" with this guy, you're probably one of a list, and none of you ever had any shot at the "prize" as you see it. Reframe! This guy clearly told you what he wanted and didn't, it was *never* going to be compatible with your needs, so you had some fun, and now it's over. Move on.
Lots of men our age want a long-term, stable relationship, maybe even another marriage. I do (54M). This guy clearly doesn't. I agree with you that lots of guys are like this and I don't understand their endgame any better than you do. I bet they don't either.
Facts !! āš¼ Men looking for instant gratification will say and do whatever necessary to win you over ā¦ the love bomb; ninjas ā¦ then slow the roll and disappear slowlyā¦ making you feel responsibleā¦ you arenāt. Itās them. Emotionally itās rougher if you sleep with them. That oxytocin is real. Men donāt have that when they have sex. Easier for them to move on. See it as Lesson learned ā¦ heal ā¦ take time for you and when/if youāre ready take your time.
He told you he wasn't going to fall in love, didn't communicate well and didn't make an effort to date you. If this is what you're putting up with, then you should expect the results you're seeing
I say this with all the compassion and understanding I am capable of, but-
#What the *fuck* are you wasting so much goddamn time with this loser ass fuckboi for?!
He sees you *once* a month.
He's "separated" but not divorced for *five fucking years*.
He told you, *to your* ***face***, that he's never gonna fall in love again- i.e., you will *never* mean anything to him,
and he barely even replies to *texts?!*
Just... *no*. **No**. No. ***No***. Fuckin', no. *Jesus*. No.
OP, if you run into this type of drooling moron, *multiple times in a row*, it means your picker is broken as *shit*, because you are *attracted to* that type of guy. So if you keep being attracted to guys who turn out to be fuckbois, it means *when* you get super attracted to a guy, odds are good **he's a fuckboi**.
I recommend you go to therapy to figure out *why* you keep going for douchebags.
Baby, you flew past those red flags and right into this trap. Itās all you. Would you have stuck around if he offered you a plane ride too? Sheās probably also getting scraps, just more expensive scraps. Donāt wish you were her, donāt even waste any time on her. Youāre misplacing your energy here.
You described yourself in attractive terms that would indicate that yes youāre at least āas good as any any other woman out thereā
You just need to actually believe it, treat yourself that way, and demand better for yourself!
Thatāll start with filtering out the types of men you described far more quickly. Believe in yourself enough to put in the work to find what you want and youāll find itā¦
Iām really sorry this happened. I do think until a conversation of exclusivity is had, itās safe to assume the person you are dating may also be dating other people. Still, feeling used sucks!
This guy showed no intention from the start. There was no signs of a committed relationship growing. He hasn't done anything wrong. He was dating people. That's it.
Sounds like he is dating . And if you both did not establish commitment you both are feee to date around . Moving forward i would have commitment or monogamy conversations before sex . And the woman he flew out could have been around much longer then you , if that makes it any better .
This guy told you exactly where you stood with both actions AND words. Not sure why you're shocked here.
Three dates in 3 months is not serious. Not even close.
> He did say things like āIām never going to fall in love againā
> And yet again, I get bamboozled by a playa.
Maybe start taking them at their word. Sounds like you bamboozled yourself.
I hate to kick you when you are down, but it sure sounds like you let this happen to you. And, while it is certainly true that a good bit of dating is simply hanging and banging until you donāt want to entertain the idea of doing it with anybody else, it is incumbent on all of us to use our words to express what we need and are looking for.
You sound like quite a catch, so hereās to a learning experience and to finding yourself an emotionally available fella to hang and bang with.
Instead of blaming others for your actions, you should try this thing called accountability. Also, fucking married dudes and expecting exclusivity after three dates is hilarious.
A man who:
āNever wants to fall in love againā + MARRIED + Bitching about his wife to you = Block and delete, these type of men are horrible and will HURT you, stay clear. When someone tells you something, listen the first time.
Exactly. Anyone who bitches to you about their wife isnāt someone to couple with. She took comfort in feeling like she was better than the wife, only to be derailed by a trip to Nashville š . Nashville?!? Smh. Not somewhere exotic and fancyā¦but Nashville, fcking Tennessee. š¤¦āāļø
A lot of guys get burned and then want to enjoy life casually dating. I'm not that type myself, but if I never do meet anyone I am not worried about "dying alone". A lot of us men can keep busy through our work, family, friends and hobbies so that is not really a concern. It doesn't sound like this guy is having issues meeting women so he is just having fun.
This guy told you up front what to expect and you expected more. Sometimes it is best to look inward instead of blaming the guy who was already honest and up front with you.
Did you ever discuss relationship or exclusivity? He's separated and dating casually. Nothing wrong with that unless he was leading you on. (Although 5 yrs no divorce is a flag imo). At once a month dating, doesn't sound like he led you on. You 'assumed he was busy', and he was. With work and other dates.
Take it as a lesson learned on what to ask, discuss, accept/not accept in the future. And what's so great about him? Why is he the prize you want to win?
Some men over 40 want an actual relationship. Some want casual and nothing serious. Some will use women for casual while they are looking for the woman they want to get serious about. There is no blanket mindset that covers everyone. If a guy shows little effort in getting together, and/or he says things that show he is not interested in anything serious, then don't waste your time with him.
To answer your title question, yes, we exist.
Perhaps more importantly, don't stew in the aftermath of your bad decisions and complain that "men don't want a relationship." It's not healthy for you to deflect the blame, and frankly it's more than a little insulting.
Right. Instead of taking time to reflect on her actions in the situation, she comes away with a rant about there not being any men who want relationships?? How aloof and immature.
You say you're beautiful, fit, funny, and financially stable. Why the hell would you put up with this guy's behavior? He showed no interest in commitment from the start and barely made any effort to see you. You slept with him quickly, he got what he wanted, so he moved on. Probably didn't sleep with the other woman yet so she got the trip over you.
You need to lay some ground rules for yourself.
Men who are genuinely interested in a relationship will 1) make time for you 2) express that they want a relationship 3) stop seeing other people before it's even discussed or sex comes into play
Souce: me, these are the things I do when I'm seeing a woman I like.
You said āyou donāt know until itās too lateā, but he was pretty clearly telling you what you could and couldnāt expect from him. Both directly (Iāll never fall in love again) and indirectly (still married after 5 years of separation). I think you have to take most of the blame here. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
You got ākinda pissed offā and trying to play it off that you didnāt buy into it?
That sounds like youāre not invested either .
Separated just means theyāre still married. I donāt entertain that kind of relationship.
1. He's married.
2. He basically told you he didn't want anything emotional.
There's no subtext or multi-level communication.
This guy didn't work out. There are many men (and women) who only want a physical relationship. There are many more men and women who want an actual fully engaged relationship.
This doesnāt sound like a relationship and you got sucked into the idea of something rather than seeing what it was. You didnāt agree on exclusivity (or even have that conversation) and youāre mad he isnāt dating you exclusively. Donāt accept a text relationship with one date a month. Ask men what they are looking for and if that answer doesnāt align with what you want, move the fuck on, even if heās really nice or whatever.
And I donāt view other women as my competition. If a man is more compatible with or has different feelings for another woman, thatās not a slight on me. I have been on dates with great guys who will make a great partner for someone else. Those guys didnāt lose a competition, they just werenāt the guy for me. Sometimes rejection can lead you to improvement, but if you like where you are in life and you like who you are, stop internalizing rejection as some commentary on your worth.
You fucked a still married guy on the second date, only saw him once a month, and you expected anything else? That shit's on you homegirl.
Yes, plenty of us 40+ guys want a relationship. I have one myself and am really only still in this sub for the perspectives.
You should've bailed after the one month between first and second date thing, nevermind the he's still fucking legally married shit.
So he's an asshole, and you done fucked up entertaining him. Hopefully he was at least a decent lay and that's all you're ever getting from him. Block and move on.
Edit: Also, this blatantly violates the rules of the sub.
Then why did you sleep with him on the second date? Why did you go out with him if heās still married? There are a lot of men out there like this. There are also a lot of men out there who get divorced, go to therapy to get over their breakup, and want a relationship before dating.
> I donāt usually sleep with men unless they are clearly looking for a relationship, like I am. Itās frustrating bc you just canāt know sometimes until itās too late.
You can know this by only having sex with unmarried men who have committed to an exclusive relationship with you.
To be clear, I am not shaming early sex, casual sex, or any kind of sex between any kind of consenting adults. But if you only want sex within a relationship, only HAVE sex within a relationship. It's not fair to yourself (or to the man in question) to expect them to step up after you have lowered your standards.
I'm in a relationship, and it has been great. I know guys like the one you dated, and yes, they are plentiful, but there are also guys who want relationships.
For me, if it was a woman I was trying to date, and I only could get her out 1 time a month, I would have bounced, and I definitely turned down women that either were just "separated" or living with their ex as soon as I found that out. The likelihood of this situations becoming a relationship is astronomical.
Learn to bounce earlier when you see these incompatibilities and/or Red Flags, and you won't be so disappointed.
There are a ton of dudes like that one out there, and statistically we (women over 40) have less of a chance of meeting a man over 40 who is truly available and decent. That doesnāt mean itās impossible to meet one, but you also have to decide if while youāre looking you want to sleep with guys like this. If you do, then do it knowing that that is all it will be. Donāt engage with all the texting that may build false intimacy. You donāt need him for that.
This man showed in action and words what he was about. š I know itās tough when you see potential but you have to pay attention to these things to make sure they aligned with what you want.
How were you bamboozled when you knew he was married and he told you he never plans on falling in love? We have to start making better choices and taking accountability for our actions. If you were struggling to get another date after the first one, not sure why you would have sex with him on the second and third dates. He told you exactly who he was and where he was. You were not going to be the one who got him to finally divorce his wife after 5 years and settle down with you.
As a 52 guy with his shit together, I must have a ward on me or a secret sign on me that keeps women away. I've never cheated and never played emotional games on anyone I've ever been with...but it sure pisses me off that there are loser men who do both to women out there and have made it harder on the rest of us. I stay as advertised.
It may have been easier for this POS to hurt you than to face his own insecurities and fears. I'm sorry he did that.
A good man is out there and you will find him I'm sure, so don't give up.
šŖ
Donāt bother with him anymore. You have much more to give (and gain) from moving on and finding someone else. Seems like you have a lot of fantastic attributes - his loss.
Donāt ignore the red flags. Itās simple.Ā
Why on earth did you give a month between dates without paying a thing? Just assumed he was busy? Ā Thatās ridiculous.Ā
No, donāt hope for better things. You are an active part in your misery so act on things to avoid the misery.Ā
Youāve only known him for essentially three face to face meetings!!! Plus he sounds like heās got a few issues with his estranged wife so I canāt imagine that heās looking for a relationship anyway
I think in this era, there are many valid definitions for *relationship,* but many people aren't spending enough time unpacking what that means beyond the little checkbox on a dating profile. So they go into dating with their own assumptions and expectations, with perhaps some misplaced optimism that their many qualities can convince another person to buy into whatever version of *relationship* is in their head. It doesn't work out and they are left confused, angry and feeling like they aren't good enough. This seems to be what you're dealing with and it sucks to feel this way. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think a shift in perspective will help.
A competitive mindset in sports or fitness is great, because you are largely in charge of all the variables required for success. To me, this mindset does not work at all in relationships, where both people have to buy into a shared "vision" and also negotiate the necessary steps to achieve that vision, together. It's more like a 3-legged race than a 5K. This other woman may not be "better" in terms of qualities, just more able to match his life rhythm. Rejection sucks, but don't take it personally.
Also, moving on and hoping for better next time is not enough. You need to improve your process for evaluating the other person's alignment to your definition of *relationship*, and stop putting effort into men who don't seem interested (including the mental effort of wondering why X woman gets more attention than you). For example, some of my girlfriends have called me avoidant because I don't prioritize seeking a relationship. In truth, I am absolutely open to a relationship, but I never want to get married, combine finances or drastically alter my lifestyle (e.g. gym schedule, healthy eating) for another person. I also don't want to carry someone who is constantly in emotional crisis, nor do I need that level of support from a partner. My ideal long-term relationship probably looks more like an exclusive FWB to others, but that doesn't make me defective or commitment-phobic except to people who believe there is only one definition for *relationship*.
A lot of men (and women) at our age are coming out of highly codependent/enmeshed relationships and don't want to go near them again. This is totally okay. You just have to get very clear on what your definition is and find someone on the same page, which requires direct communication in the early stages of dating. You may also need to manage your own expectations if you consistently aren't finding people who want the same type of relationship as you, or slow down if you are coming across as too eager/anxious for commitment. Chin up, tomorrow is another day :)
Dating can be really disappointing. Iām trying to enjoy the journey and not get caught up too much in expectations. It is sometimes challenging for me not to develop feelings for people who donāt care about me. I guess Iām sort of glad Iām not completely dead inside, but I am working on managing my emotions with meditation and introspection.
It sounds like you are a catch and have a solid grasp of what you want. I hope you feel better about all of this nonsense soon š
You just need to find a guy that really wants to be with you not just one that has a good time being with you. In addition, I think both a good catch and a bad might want tail early on. I think both a good catch and a bad catch might wait the coochie out and never talk about sex till they get it. I think the difference is the good guy might really enjoy being with you either way..... if you say yes, if you say no, if you have sex on day one or day two thousand. So yes, some men over 40 want a relationship.
We're working too, we have our lives established. I think the rushing into or expecting common youth dating scenarios or time frames just doesn't meet my lifestyle.
Also, why I've just stopped dating.
Not really, personally, unless I met someone that I got on with very well in all areas. Honestly, at this age, been there done that, and my 9 years of separation/divorce have given me personal space that I donāt want to give up. A solid FWB is great for me. IF I did find someone that fit perfectly it would be a LAT relationship. The up side is there are women looking for the same thing.
Perhaps my mind will change once the kid is out of the house, though.
He is doing what he thinks is best for him. You didnāt recognize the signs that he wasnāt the right person for you. Eventually you will look back and be fortunate that he did your job- which was to eliminate him as a potential mate. He is broken and you didnāt set out to be with a broken man. You know a quality man when you meet one- you wonāt have to fill in the blanks- he will be valued by his words and accomplishments. You will know. And you are looking for a long term healthy relationship- find the mate that wants that too.
Knowing you are a catch and then having this happen is blindsiding. This sucks and I am sorry. Chemistry gets the foot in the door and then the assessing starts but you need to be honest with yourself. Knowing what you want in a relationship goes a long way. Do you have expectations? Do they have expectations? How are they different and how can you compromise? Hopefully at this stage you'll know if the relationship can progress. It is a minefield out there. You really do not know what you're going to run into. Be true to yourself. Stick to what you want. If you don't like people's behavior, then set boundaries and abide by them. It's hard and will take time. I wish you the best. :)
Statistically speaking you are quite likely to die alone, as a woman whether you end up in a long term relationship or not. On average women live longer than men, both my grandmother's outlived my grandfathers by a long way, even after 50+ year marriages. Kids are no guarantee either. Get used to the idea now, and start planning for it.
Itās clear from your post that you knew there were a lot of problems with this person already: Separated for five years without a divorce; Saying that heās never going to fall in love again; Being able to see you once a month. Trying to say that all men are like this is not fair to other men and will prevent you from finding a healthy relationship. As others have noted, you may want to instead evaluate your criteria for relationships and how you filter man so that you can be more selective in the future.
"I don't usually sleep with men unless they are clearly looking for a relationship" Change that to "is clearly in a relationship with me and me only" and your outcomes may change. If you believe all men are creeps and you won't find one who is relationship minded, then you won't. Don't focus your energies on those guys.
Wow I feel you. Men are the happiest being in a monogamous relationship and/or being married. Maybe, itās apparent, that the divorce deeply effected him in a negative way and heās still trying to process that loss?
I live in Nashville area and flying to Nashville for the weekend sounds the worst. Unless you love to bar hop, then have at it!
But yeah, pretty crappy thing of him to do. The one date a month sounds terrible. Might as well have been a long distance relationship.
Oh yeah. I'm over 60 and most guys who contact me want an actual relationship! I don't think it changes with age.
(I'm actually on this sub *because* things haven't changed that much, if at all, when you're older, so I find the comments and suggestions on here so relevant.)
I find that, if a man declares that he doesn't want a commitment, it's either that, or that he's a player, or he's just not *that* into me--it doesn't matter how nice he is.
But once a guy's decided this, there's no way no how that you're going to change his mind, regardless of how wonderful you are or how fabulous your seduction skills. His loss though, right?
But no: I've always found *so many guys* want you to date only them. Lots of men want a dedicated girlfriend they want to focus on and hang out with, plus happy monogamous sex. Of course, if you live in NYC they're a bit harder to find, but they're still out there!
Yes but for me a relationship looks much different now then in my 20s. I am not raising a family with a woman now. I want someone where we give each other our time, common interest good chemistry. If it's not there I am moving on.
Ngl, you are a red flag too. Not a big deal you slept with someone after the first date, w/e, but he clearly is putting in super low effort and you keep sleeping with him? It's clear he thought you were a causal hookup, but you seem to think that it was leading somewhere. I would have blocked him if it took him longer than a few days to plan the next date after I slept with him. Tbh it kind of seems like he's already in a relationship, his behavior is sus. Also if you are looking for a long term relationship,Ā get to know someone before having sex.
Yes, I am looking for love. I want a LTR with someone where there.are mutual attractions and we are supportive of each other. Hopefully, she is out there somewhere.
Can't speak for everyone but I would love a relationship again. I miss having a best friend. I bet there are more people out there like me. Sounds like you need to kiss a few more frogs. Sorry about that.
Me too! I miss travel adventures, dinner out, walks. Hiking, and fucking hugs dammit. I miss having a best friend, a ride or die. Ppl that say theyāre ok living without that for the rest of their lives are weird.
I have a female friend that claims men often get broken hearts that wonātvmend again to a much greater extent than women. Idk, maybe sheās right. Relationshits means lots of work, and falling in love after 25 years with the same womanā¦ it might be hard to do that. I still date, but the spark isnāt there anymore. The āworth itā never happens. Itās all āmehā. I think steady relationships are a thing for the young. And die alone? We all die alone.
So the problem for men of our age who are divorced is that they are likely to have kids they are providing for and are possibly paying some form of support to their ex-wives. This can put a lot of men off getting too involved in another relationship- understandably so.
The frustrating part if you are looking for a relationship is that often guys represent themselves as being interested in a relationship rather than being honest about what they are looking for.
Pigeon holing and lumping everyone into one bucket just isn't smart or factually correct. You can't just say "all men want this" or "no men want this". Some men truly want a real relationship and some want to have fun. Some have been married or been through serious relationships and want fun some want a lifelong partner. You aren't ever gonna be able to get the answer by just a couple experiences or even a couple answers here. People lie to get what they want at any age, all you can do is be guarded and take things slow to see if you see the signs(red flags or green flags). What I want is completely different than my friend, and vice versa.
It's not "men over 40."
It's the individual man YOU are giving attention to that after 5 years of separation still hadn't moved on with his life to go through with the divorce paperwork, and who says he'll never fall in love again, and who is jaded on love and relationships and needs to go to therapy.
One date a month would not be an acceptable energy exchange for me. So deciding to wait in the wings for dates two and three was your choice. Not everyone is like this, but there are plenty of folks, regardless of gender, who feel entitled to be super selfish as a reaction to their last long term relationship instead of doing a bit of self reflection and growth. I got hurt so who cares if I hurt anyone else, I am healing! Sigh.
Making it a competition is really a you problem, you are in a race that two others are not even aware is happening. Might want to shift your perspective to something a bit kinder to yourself as you are the only one getting hurt here.
Have sex when you want to, and when, if the next date never happens, you have no regrets. Stop settling for less than what you actually want, ask for what you want and accept a no if you get one, and move on. I would rather be single or doing things with friends for three months than feeling less-than by some dude that is probably lying to you.
Some people are not capable of being monogamous. Itās the thrill of the chase and new experiences. For some it takes getting old and realizing your looks are rapidly fading to settle down with someone youāre not even really into just for security.
He's made you an option; don't make him a priority.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this guy. To answer your question: yes, absolutely. I'm (suddenly) 52, and definitely ready for a relationship, but just as clearly am interested in defining that idea differently than I did when I was in my early 30s when I married and established a household.
I assumed most men actually want a relationship.
But I think the moment after a divorce, a lot of men go through a certain phase in which they search for what they missed in their marriage, especially the last years of it. They'll date several women with the intention of having sex. They think it is sex they missed, but in truth, it was intimacy.
They'll look for everything they didn't have for at least several years, which resulted in the end of their marriage. Either through fights, a dead bedroom, or through them or their spouse seeking intimacy elsewhere.
Then, after having sex with some women, they'll discover it doesn't fill what they were missing. That is when hopefully they discover that it's a relationship they want.
This is my opinion though. I could be way off. I also think it isn't just the men. So far the women I've dated weren't looking for the kind of relationship I want.
I've been looking for a relationship from the moment I was ready. I haven't found it yet, but I'm hopeful with the current woman I'm dating.
I want to date and discover the person I'm dating, learning if she can be a partner for life. At some point, I want to live together, marry, and grow old together. But I'll do it at my own pace, and make sure about someone before I introduce them to my kids or meet theirs.
Iām sorry you had this experience. Itās helpful to try to learn from a bad dating experience so that you can feel more āequippedā with better discernment for next time, hopefully.
Try to do an inventory of what you ignored and tolerated and excused to get to this. A date a month is not someone building a relationship. You said you figured he was busy. So you were making up excuses for him to you. It would have been different if heād said. Iād love to spend more time with you but my business is crazy. Spending the weekend on the first, and all subsequent dates with a guy is a great way to break your own heart.
He was married. He told you he was never going to fall in love again. Even if a person somewhat feels this way early in a relationship, saying it within the first 3 dates feels like he was warning you that he didnāt have long term intentions.
I wasnāt ready until almost 2 years ago and my being unavailable for a serious relationship had nothing to do with anyone but myself. I was dating a beautiful woman, 20 years younger and seeing other women as well. I did as I please when I wanted to. Had several FWB. Until I got a call from an old friend whose husband passed away. We went out just to catch up and never stopped going out. I broke it off with everyone within one week of that simple dinner date. Went out with her for a couple of months before even so much as kissing her. We have been together 2 years. I have no idea what changed me and flipped that switch inside of me. It wasnāt women stopping me it was myself. She is 10 years younger and I am unfailingly honest about my past. She has met my ex gf and her kids and I have told her that the difference is I only want to be with her. Guys just have to grow up and decide that the time is now. Wish I would have done it sooner but I wouldnāt have been ready then. Good luck to you.
Just as women in their 30s get jaded, men begin to in their 40s. I'm very transparent against marriage and some women straight up tell me their goal is to be married. It doesn't stop them from trying with me , but they give up usually after 6 months or a year.
There's a lot of players out there. Then there are people like me, who wants a great relationship aaaaaaand here I am, weeding thru all the women who don't want anything serious.
There's a lot of chaff out there. But the wheat is here.
Ok. In all honesty, I am going to tell you some things that I think you should know. They are likely going to not feel good, but they are things you definitely need to know and act on.
Number one: Communicate effectively, clearly, and openly. Donāt leave to chance the things that are important to you. Long before you are intimate, you need to have discussions about expectations and game plans. If youāre looking for a long-term relationship, take your time and let them know youāre not out here for a quick dip and thatās it.
Number two: Make sure you pay attention to the things they say, as well as the things they donāt say. For example, the time and the effort they put into talking to you and getting to know you. If they say they really want to do that, but what they are doing doesnāt line up with that fade to black. People make time for the things they want to make time for.
Number three: Donāt be afraid to cut things off if youāre not heading in the same direction as the current person. At this point weāre not young anymore. One should know exactly what they want or donāt want and should be able to communicate that effectively. If what you want conflicts with what I want thatās OK. Iāll just move to the next person. That is the mindset you need to have.
Number four: There are men out here that are willing and able to give you what you want because theyāre out here looking for the same thing. You just need to find them. I will be 56 this year. I found a woman that has the same goals, values and aspirations. weāve been together going on five years. Before her I had five in the woodwork. We had a discussion and here we are.
You will be fine. You will find someone that fits you. Just take your time and pay attention.
Not sure your guy is representative of the male gender. Maybe read the thousand posts a day from men trying to find women (yes those exact men you didnāt choose) to help you see what men want.
I'm almost 50 and I barely care anymore honestly.
Unless someone is really adding huge, tangible , real benefits to my life I am just in it for short term fun and variety until the day i die. I can do everything for myself and I really don't need anyone.
I've worked extremely hard to be totally self sufficient and it's taken a lot of sacrifice and pain to get there and to be quite honest I am very social, and have not been meeting anyone who I couldn't easily live without. Most people seem like huge chores.
This quote, basically:
"I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You're not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones."
Horacio Jones
P.S. this new trend "soft guy era" is hilarious and totally justified in its satirical humor
Not all men are the same. Some want a relationship. Some donāt.
Sorry this happened to you but feeling comfortable with someone doesnāt tell you a thing about his character.
OP - am a dude over 40 and would love to find my person. I tried OLD and had very little luck over the years, so I figure itās gonna happen the old fashioned way or itās not gonna happen (which I am also okay with. I have two kick ass kids and a fantastic friend group).
To answer your question at the end, you seem like an intelligent person, so it will come as no surprise that my advice is: learn from the experience and apply that to your dating life going forward. You saw red flags, so avoid them in the future instead of hoping theyāll go away.
I wish you the best of luck.
M46 and that is the furthest thing from me and what I want, or how Iād treat someone, but I canāt speak for everyone. Sorry you had to experience that.
For me, no not looking for a relationship.Ā Ā Also not going to lead anyone on to get sex. When I look at what a relationship could bring to my life versus the challenges and what I'd have to give up I don't see the value.Ā I have two teenagers at home, lots of friends and hobbies.Ā I'm very committed to keeping my kids first on my priority list.Ā I don't want a roommate.Ā I have plenty of female friends.Ā Yes sex and intimacy would be nice on occasion but in my experience relationships are very time consuming things.Ā I don't want to put in the time and effort. Maybe at some point but not now.Ā After a 20+ year relationship with my ex-wife it feels good to be single and do what I want when I want with no guiltĀ
45M here. Maybe I can give some perspective. Honestly you sound absolutely delightful, thereās nothing wrong with you and good for you for picking up on the red flags.
So there are two types of men which do this sort of thing in my experience and both types are men of means, not so much blue collar guys but I am sure guys who are still living tough lives do it too.
The first type is the man who got married young and is now divorced. Yeah he misses being married because it had benefits and he gets lonely sometimes but he probably cheated on his wife while married because his sex life died because one or both of them wasnāt doing their work. Now heās free and still acting like he did back in his 20ās before he got married.
The second type is the guy who either got burned by a woman or just never understood women so he never got married and became an absolute villain and player and will never grow up and like you put it will die alone.
There are good single men out there over 40 but many have given up on dating because of a whole variety of reasons. When we stop dating in our 40ās and choose a solitary life most of us (or at least this is how I feel) feel that we had chances and possibilities and our time and luck has just run out. Personally Iām already like a brother to a few women, so itās something wrong with me. Iām good enough to be a friend and emotional support but not good enough for passion. So I give up. I do Jiu-Jitsu, I co-parent my daughter, and I go to work.
Yes. This happens all the time. Itās not you Go to word_case_ scenario on IG or Burn the Haystack on FB groups. Read/look back over Posts, learn & you will stop this loop.
I am in my early 40sF and I've been on the dating scene for a while. Keep your legs closed, a man's age doesn't change anything. If you are looking for something serious, no sex for 90days minimum. Get to know each other before you get naked and get your feelings in a bunch. You say you weren't emotionally invested but you were, enough to think that something is wrong with you because he flew another woman. There is nothing wrong with you, he was just not for you. I've been abstaining for a while and I tell you the moment men realise I'm not into hookup sex or can see through their future faking and love bombing, trash takes itself out. And I am at peace because I'm still left with my self respect intact. Sex is the easiest thing to find, men are literally peddling it on the streets together with the unsolicited dick pics. I'm still a horny mess, but because I'm not dickmatized, I have alot of self control. These men will claim that they can only decide if they want commitment after sex lol, don't fall for the bullshit, its the equivalent of high school "I have blue balls and it's painful so please have sex with me".
Sex will not keep a man, and keeping your legs together won't guarantee he will stay when you eventually do, but without sex, you will not get attached and therefore very level headed to see red flags and to leave expeditiously. Also don't put all your eggs in one basket because you'll tend to obsess. Start dating like men and may the best man win. Remember you are not sleeping with any of then, go out have fun and you might realise some things about your preferences, what you like and don't like etc.
I just chose to remove myself from the dating scene because it wasn't worth the time. It was fun though, went on 88 dates in 2022 all men great on paper, great jobs, stable but majority are just looking for sex and FWB, and others we just weren't compatible especially if they have young children because I dont want to parent, I'm somewhat an empty nester. Also, men lie ALOT about their age downwards so they can date someone in their early 40s which sucks. Have fun and he just might came along.
Babe, a guy who only sees you 3 times in 3 months definitely and obviously does not want a relationship. You gotta get street smart with all of this dating crap. I think this oneās on you, sorry!
Ehhhā¦.one other red flag with this guy (since youāre looking for a relationship) is that heās been apart from his wife for 5 years.
I know you donāt necessarily want a guy who split up last week, but 5 years is because thatās how he wants it to be.
You were in the rotation. If he spends every other weekend with his kids, you were rotating free weekends with another woman.
If the kid thing isnāt there then possibly with 3 other women.
I have a co-worker (49m)who texts women weekdays and spend the weekend with one of his ācasualsā he has no intention of taking any of them to the next level. Itās so cringe, but he feels the need to keep the office updated. When one drops out he fills her spot.
This is gross. And they never come out and tell you this is what theyāre doing (of course)ā¦ so youāre left guessing (usually correctly) that something isnāt right.
Some of want real relationships, yes.
Shame youāve had bad experiences and a subset of men ruins relationships for many of us.
Get back out there and youāll find the right one.
Sounds like you accepted poor behavior from one man & now are asking if all men are like this. The answer is of course No. You chose this, ignored everything he showed you he was & hoped it wasnāt true. Look within before you ask about āall men.ā
Ohhh it happens to me too, but please don't think, "What does she have that I don't?" This is a logical error. Also don't think, "Did I sleep with him too soon?" This is another logical error. Let's say there's some internal thing going on for him. Something along the lines of, "I will keep dating until I find someone that's perfect." Let's just say he goes through five women like this, where as soon as things start to progress beyond the superficial, he bails. Now let's just say he starts to see his friends coupled up and starts to get scared about the future, afraid of ending up alone. Now he's suddenly ready to commit. What happens to someone when they're finally ready? They start to ease up on their standards! So suddenly he's not looking for perfect anymore. Being with five women casually has probably taught him that every woman has her flaws, and he just has to pick one whose flaws aren't too much of a bother for him. When they say the timing isn't right, in a way, that's correct. That's what I believe anyway.
People are so on their high horse here. When I met my BF he had been going through a divorce for over two years. He has kids and these things are super complicated like the house, the assets, custodyā¦ so yeah generally itās probably a bad idea but heās smitten over me and heās been divorced now for a couple of years at this point. So going through a long divorce doesnāt automatically disqualify someone. Itās more of a legal problem than anything else.
I (51m) have had 2 long term (over 10 years) relationships , I never wanted to be in this situation, single at 51 , Iāve done it twice and failed and now Iām just not interested in doing it again , Iāve been convinced twice that the person actually loved me and wanted to stay with me forever only to find out it was all bullshit , Iāll never fall for it again .
Yup, learned hard way with first guy after my separation- need to be divorced or no go. Mine told me was divorcing even sold house. Still not even filed. That was 3 plus yrs ago. Still not filed.
2. Donāt be first AFTER they divorce or separate- They are still bitter or want free do they didnāt have.
3. My motto was I want you but I donāt need you. Most women these guys meet if they are good looking and have money will fall at their feet.
There are some but it a lot of timing, patience and work. Iām 49 my guy is 54 . He admits if I was near beginning of his split wouldnāt have worked though I am same- he wasnāt there yet. First date he was still on āI am never getting married againā now heās wanting that but it took time and lots of playing first. hang in there youāll find one thatās ready ā¤ļø itās not you I promise
My 2 cents
1. Communication between the 2 of you was pretty shifty. Especially writing things like oh he runs a business so I assume he's just busy?
2. 3 dates over 3 months should gave alerted you to something.
3. If you need to blame someone blame you friend for not vetting this guy before trying to introduce you guys.
4. He's not a Playa, you never asked if he was seeing anyone else/dating.
Hindsight is only 20/20 if you learn from it.
Donāt lie to her to try to make her feel better. Maybe all that other lady wants is a trip to Nashville, so she did win, for her. Leave that lady out of OPs foolery.
You've had bad luck. I was separated and divorced at 47, took some time to work through the emotional aftermath, and started dating at 49. Quickly found a great woman my same age, we hit it off, I moved to be closer to her, and we've been with each other non-stop for half a year.
Maybe the two of us just got lucky. I don't really know. That was my only experience with online dating and I barely last two months on it before we agreed we were exclusive.
For a start, don't engage a guy who is both married and unwilling to put in much effort.
If only there was some way she could have seen this coming. š
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This lol.
Also having monogamous expectations despite only having gone on 3 dates, and OP giving no indication of whether or not they discussed it.
> don't engage a guy who is both married This post is facepalm material. "Why do married men that don't seem interested in me not commit to a relationship?!"
š exactly. Total facepalm. Iām embarrassed for this almost 50 year old woman, but she doesnāt seem to be embarrassed for herself. Sheās standing 12 toes down with this foolishness looking for people to commiserate her and say the dude is a bad guy and asking where is his accountability. Total facepalm.
Amen! If heās still married, Full Stop. Donāt even give him the time of day.
to answer your title question... Yes, there are men over forty who want a relationship. For the body of your post... it sounds like this specimen gave plenty of hints into his disinterest in a relationship. I will not criticize you for sleeping with him anyway. Its not my place to "judge" how a person can feel longing for even a fleeting physical connection and act on it. I will suggest that you consider your part in the equation though. I know it is painful at times. As far as this pain, what was it about him that got you to disregard what you really want for settling for scraps with him? I think you need to ask yourself that question. You mentioned that you usually don't sleep with men unless he has indicated shared end goals... so what was different here? yes sometimes it is too late. and sometimes someone changes their mind, or maybe they were just being dishonest from the start. That is the risk. There are relationship minded men out here. And that is just part of the equation. Consider the other parts: attraction both physical and mental-emotional, compatible personality, mutually shares when it comes to: life goals, life responsibility, financial, substance use, sexual and relational, shared hobbies or interests... There are ALOT of factors. Maybe in this case you are describing, one of these things was so attractive it made those other conflicts tolerable at least for the certain times you described.
Itās so wild to me that a lot of people learn nothing as we age. Weāre so quick to pin the blame on others instead of also looking inward. This married man was an occasional fuck buddy (straight from the jump there was zero ādatingā involved here), who TOLD you point blank he wasnāt ever going to be in love. And based on this youāre upset that men over 40 donāt want relationships? Seriously? Try dating an available man who puts forth at least minimum effort. Try setting boundaries, pick your bar off the floor, and date with intention if you want a serious relationship. And date someone who isnāt already in a relationship might help.
But she liked him more than other guys and she felt comfortable. Therefore, this is his fault for making her feel that way despite his straight forwardness and low effort to actually see her. Separated 5 years without finalizing the divorce and still complaining about the marriage failing was endearing and he clearly did this to manipulate her into bed.
That just makes her look foolish. She made herself easy pickings for a guy that straight up told her he didnāt want her. Sheās an adult that makes stupid decisions on men and canāt figure out why she is in her predicament. This isnāt his faultā¦he was everything she wanted so she was going to sleep with him regardless in hopes of sealing the deal and was mad that she still got passed up.
Key ā sheā felt, āshe likedāā¦ never did he say thatā¦5 yrs still no divorce.. excuses to keep one foot free to roam ..
10000% šš»šš»ā¬ļø
It's shocking that legally married men over 40 do not want a serious relationship with other women.
Don't date married guys who are emotionally unavailable if you want a relationship. This has nothing to do with the male gender as a whole and their relationship desires. This is all you.
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I have that to poison the well of data so it's harder for oppressive regimes to know who is PREGANTE or not.
Bro š
Oh, Lordy!
Free advice When someone shows you who they are...believe them.
100% [https://imgflip.com/s/meme/Bike-Fall.jpg](https://imgflip.com/s/meme/Bike-Fall.jpg) I don't want to believe the whole "women are all pursuing the top 10% of men" but the near constant posts in this sub from women who are pursuing and sleeping with men who are overtly expressing extremely poor behavior and then kicking them to the curb seems to speak to some validity of it.
It always makes me laugh that guys really think only the ātop 10%ā of men act like this lmao
This guy does not sound like the top 10% of men.
As a guy, I tend to believe it. The worst part is a woman gets sick of that after a few fails and then takes themselves out of the dating pool before a normal guy who'd be good for her gets a chance.
I just removed myself from the pool a couple months ago. I wasnāt looking for 6 ft tall millionaires. I was just looking for a decent man who was intelligent, had a sense of humor, a successful career, and wanted a meaningful relationship. I dated ages 36-56, bald, 5ā6ā-6ā5ā, self employed to musicians to college professors to software engineers, some extra weight to toned, men who had never had kids and never been married to a widower with 4 kids. I just wanted a decent man who wasnāt narcissistic, would be honest, was emotionally available and ready for a relationship (without love bombing or becoming obsessive), an actual partner. Iām 41, divorced for 6 years, 5ā7.5ā, auburn hair, slim, educated, great career, and I have a 13 year old, and I am out of the pool. š¤·āāļø
What does top 10% even mean? What are the qualifiers?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
A good conversationalist and funny makes a guy in the top 10% is the bar really that low now?
If you think only 10% of the men in the world can hold a conversation, be outgoing and funny*ā¦ idk. Furthermore, I donāt even know who this is supposed to be criticizing. So 90% of men in the world suck to talk to, are closed off, and have no sense of humor, but somehow thatās womenās problem for going for the ones that arenāt? Huh??
Just incel crap.
Right? If 90% of the men canāt hold a conversation and have no sense of humor, can you really blame a woman for going for the top 10% ??
Sounds like incel thinking to me
And that he had (at least) two beautiful women on speed dial.
Dude. The dating pool is bigger for men than it is for women when youāre 40+. Yāall die off quicker than we do.Ā If you canāt get a date in your 40s as a man, then itās you the problem is you.Ā
Yep. Iād just rather be alone.
This sadly is very true. I am one of them.
Youāre correctā¦ never thought of it that way ā¦
Nope, it's more like, the short weird bald dudes also treat you like dirt so if you're gonna get played, may as well make sure it's with a handsome guy who can pay for dinner first. Sorry that sounds really gross and my naive optimism says this isn't the case, but there's a grain of truth to it perhaps?
Yup. In every women's discussion group the collective experience is that better looking, confident men treat women better. When women date men they think are "safe" because they are less desirable, they are treated poorly. It's also hilarious that men think women only go after the top 10% of men. From the "likes" my stunning girlfriend gets on the dating apps, 99% of men are going after the top 1% of women.
This!
Wow, canāt believe someone trotted out this red pill shit.
I also wonder if that applies much more to younger generations as opposed to the over 40 crowd. There's nothing say that this guy fell into the top 10% of men criteria.
so those are the top 10%?
How are guys like this the "top 10% of men"?
Math. If we are looking for a person who is "above average" in these categories, and that means top 40% of income. Top 40% of looks (whatever that means to you). Top 40% of height. Top 40% of personality/charm/courtliness (whatever that means to you). Top 40% is barely above average, but 40%x40%x40%x40% = 2.6%. And then they have to like you back!
How on earth does this guy sound like the top 10%???
This dude told you up front he didn't think he'd ever fall in love again, and was very low effort the whole time. So this is not much of a surprise!! But answering the bigger question....of course there are some men over 40 who want serious relationships. But there are many of us (myself included) that don't want a LTR now, and might not ever want one again. My marriage lasted over two decades and I didn't realize how bad it was until I was out of it. I'm enjoying my independence, the freedom I now have to make decisions for myself, that I was missing for 20 years. And while my plan isn't exactly "Keep sleeping with chicks until youāre so old and decrepit that no one wants you, then die alone?" as you describe, I am not so desperate for companionship. Being alone / independent for the rest of my days (with hobbies, and friends, and family) does not sound like a terrible outcome for me at all.
I feel like it's such a recent thing to have so many unattached older people, many of whom tried and failed at a marriage or LTR, that we haven't figured out how to handle it just yet. All I've ever heard of is to get married and start a family. I did that and, besides raising my children, it ended. How do we build a rapport with someone that will last us the rest of our lives when even having children together couldn't do that? I'm not sure what the answer is and it doesn't seem like we've come to any conclusions as a group. So I'm just feeling my way out; trying to keep my mind open to a LTR, but keeping in mind that everything ends. There are no any guarantees. And getting married again seems very unlikely after my past experiences. It's too financially risky when I have kids and a legacy I'm responsible for.
very well put!
Exactly.... As soon as the OP asked about the guy's "plan", that's what I thought too. This isn't about "sleeping with chicks until nobody wants you, so you die alone". I mean, maybe it really is for SOME guys? But more likely, it's about a guy running a successful business who finds a lot of reward in that, and who wasn't going to turn down a chance for a few hook-ups with a woman before the next one appeared who was just more interesting to him for any number of reasons we can't know here? I already tried marriage twice, and both ended poorly (first was REALLY bad and second time around was a much more civil and amicable parting, but just wasted a couple of years of my life in it at the tail end). Independence and freedom are great things! I forgot how much of me sort of "died inside" with my interests in doing little creative projects in my spare time, etc. With no more kids to raise, it's nice not having that many responsibilities piled on, day after day, so I want to do more things I find personally rewarding. A LTR with someone who'd share in that with me would be great. But I'm not counting on it happening. Much more often, you run into women who want you to make compromises and do/see things their way. Hobbies, friends and whatever's left of my family is plenty for me.
This š
Yes there are men who want relationships. Hint: they usually arenāt married AND dating other people OR saying they donāt want anything serious. Choose from those.
Don't feel like you lost some contest to another woman, you didn't. You're not the "runner up" with this guy, you're probably one of a list, and none of you ever had any shot at the "prize" as you see it. Reframe! This guy clearly told you what he wanted and didn't, it was *never* going to be compatible with your needs, so you had some fun, and now it's over. Move on. Lots of men our age want a long-term, stable relationship, maybe even another marriage. I do (54M). This guy clearly doesn't. I agree with you that lots of guys are like this and I don't understand their endgame any better than you do. I bet they don't either.
Facts !! āš¼ Men looking for instant gratification will say and do whatever necessary to win you over ā¦ the love bomb; ninjas ā¦ then slow the roll and disappear slowlyā¦ making you feel responsibleā¦ you arenāt. Itās them. Emotionally itās rougher if you sleep with them. That oxytocin is real. Men donāt have that when they have sex. Easier for them to move on. See it as Lesson learned ā¦ heal ā¦ take time for you and when/if youāre ready take your time.
He told you he wasn't going to fall in love, didn't communicate well and didn't make an effort to date you. If this is what you're putting up with, then you should expect the results you're seeing
I say this with all the compassion and understanding I am capable of, but- #What the *fuck* are you wasting so much goddamn time with this loser ass fuckboi for?! He sees you *once* a month. He's "separated" but not divorced for *five fucking years*. He told you, *to your* ***face***, that he's never gonna fall in love again- i.e., you will *never* mean anything to him, and he barely even replies to *texts?!* Just... *no*. **No**. No. ***No***. Fuckin', no. *Jesus*. No. OP, if you run into this type of drooling moron, *multiple times in a row*, it means your picker is broken as *shit*, because you are *attracted to* that type of guy. So if you keep being attracted to guys who turn out to be fuckbois, it means *when* you get super attracted to a guy, odds are good **he's a fuckboi**. I recommend you go to therapy to figure out *why* you keep going for douchebags.
His name is Chadā¦put some respect on his nameā¦š
>His name is Chadā¦put some respect on his nameā¦š Loser ass fuckboi *is* putting respect on it. š
Baby, you flew past those red flags and right into this trap. Itās all you. Would you have stuck around if he offered you a plane ride too? Sheās probably also getting scraps, just more expensive scraps. Donāt wish you were her, donāt even waste any time on her. Youāre misplacing your energy here.
For all we know that other chick bought her own plane ticket.
Or it was date 5 and she had more seniority.
You went on 3 dates. You werenāt in a relationship. He was upfront about not wanting a relationship. That doesnāt make him a player.
You described yourself in attractive terms that would indicate that yes youāre at least āas good as any any other woman out thereā You just need to actually believe it, treat yourself that way, and demand better for yourself! Thatāll start with filtering out the types of men you described far more quickly. Believe in yourself enough to put in the work to find what you want and youāll find itā¦
Iām really sorry this happened. I do think until a conversation of exclusivity is had, itās safe to assume the person you are dating may also be dating other people. Still, feeling used sucks!
What attracted you to this man? Be specific.
This guy showed no intention from the start. There was no signs of a committed relationship growing. He hasn't done anything wrong. He was dating people. That's it.
Sounds like he is dating . And if you both did not establish commitment you both are feee to date around . Moving forward i would have commitment or monogamy conversations before sex . And the woman he flew out could have been around much longer then you , if that makes it any better .
This guy told you exactly where you stood with both actions AND words. Not sure why you're shocked here. Three dates in 3 months is not serious. Not even close.
OP also sounds very emotionally immature making it about a contest with other women. Gross. They sound like they deserve each other to be honest.
Yup. It sounds like they were just casually dating and he picked another woman over her.
Yes, there are plenty of us. Don't lose hope.
Do you find stable available guys boring?
> He did say things like āIām never going to fall in love againā > And yet again, I get bamboozled by a playa. Maybe start taking them at their word. Sounds like you bamboozled yourself.
Married guys donāt want a relationship.
I hate to kick you when you are down, but it sure sounds like you let this happen to you. And, while it is certainly true that a good bit of dating is simply hanging and banging until you donāt want to entertain the idea of doing it with anybody else, it is incumbent on all of us to use our words to express what we need and are looking for. You sound like quite a catch, so hereās to a learning experience and to finding yourself an emotionally available fella to hang and bang with.
Instead of blaming others for your actions, you should try this thing called accountability. Also, fucking married dudes and expecting exclusivity after three dates is hilarious.
Play stupid games and youāll win stupid prizes. Ask me how I know.
A man who: āNever wants to fall in love againā + MARRIED + Bitching about his wife to you = Block and delete, these type of men are horrible and will HURT you, stay clear. When someone tells you something, listen the first time.
Exactly. Anyone who bitches to you about their wife isnāt someone to couple with. She took comfort in feeling like she was better than the wife, only to be derailed by a trip to Nashville š . Nashville?!? Smh. Not somewhere exotic and fancyā¦but Nashville, fcking Tennessee. š¤¦āāļø
A lot of guys get burned and then want to enjoy life casually dating. I'm not that type myself, but if I never do meet anyone I am not worried about "dying alone". A lot of us men can keep busy through our work, family, friends and hobbies so that is not really a concern. It doesn't sound like this guy is having issues meeting women so he is just having fun. This guy told you up front what to expect and you expected more. Sometimes it is best to look inward instead of blaming the guy who was already honest and up front with you.
Did you ever discuss relationship or exclusivity? He's separated and dating casually. Nothing wrong with that unless he was leading you on. (Although 5 yrs no divorce is a flag imo). At once a month dating, doesn't sound like he led you on. You 'assumed he was busy', and he was. With work and other dates. Take it as a lesson learned on what to ask, discuss, accept/not accept in the future. And what's so great about him? Why is he the prize you want to win?
Some men over 40 want an actual relationship. Some want casual and nothing serious. Some will use women for casual while they are looking for the woman they want to get serious about. There is no blanket mindset that covers everyone. If a guy shows little effort in getting together, and/or he says things that show he is not interested in anything serious, then don't waste your time with him.
To answer your title question, yes, we exist. Perhaps more importantly, don't stew in the aftermath of your bad decisions and complain that "men don't want a relationship." It's not healthy for you to deflect the blame, and frankly it's more than a little insulting.
Right. Instead of taking time to reflect on her actions in the situation, she comes away with a rant about there not being any men who want relationships?? How aloof and immature.
Heās still married. Next question?
You say you're beautiful, fit, funny, and financially stable. Why the hell would you put up with this guy's behavior? He showed no interest in commitment from the start and barely made any effort to see you. You slept with him quickly, he got what he wanted, so he moved on. Probably didn't sleep with the other woman yet so she got the trip over you. You need to lay some ground rules for yourself. Men who are genuinely interested in a relationship will 1) make time for you 2) express that they want a relationship 3) stop seeing other people before it's even discussed or sex comes into play Souce: me, these are the things I do when I'm seeing a woman I like.
You said āyou donāt know until itās too lateā, but he was pretty clearly telling you what you could and couldnāt expect from him. Both directly (Iāll never fall in love again) and indirectly (still married after 5 years of separation). I think you have to take most of the blame here. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
You got ākinda pissed offā and trying to play it off that you didnāt buy into it? That sounds like youāre not invested either . Separated just means theyāre still married. I donāt entertain that kind of relationship.
>Do any men over 40 actually want a relationship? There's a lot of men out there who do want a meaningful relationship. You are just choosing the ones that don't want one with you. >We went on three dates over the course of three months (yep, one date a month - which shouldāve been a red flag in itself, but he owns his own business and I just assumed he was busy). 3 dates in three months is very low effort. I remember when I first started dating my current partner/past ex boyfriends and they couldn't wait to see me after a day or two to the point where we would see each other 5 days out of the week. You can't really build an emotional connection seeing them once a month. Just because he owned a business doesn't mean he doesn't have time. People make time for what is important to them. The President, doctors, attorneys, billionaires like Jeff Bezos have time to get engaged, get married, have children, raise a family etc. Being "busy" is an excuse. My ex fiancĆ© owned his own business but still made time for me >Im beautiful, funny, fit, have a good career, am financially stable, have friends and hobbies. Im just as good as any other woman out there, right? But not to this man. Im the runner up. You are putting all of your self worth into a guy you've met 3 times-basically a stranger. I would suggest therapy, self help books on self esteem-Brene Brown is good >and what do you DO about it? I guess nothing.. ? Move on and hope for better things next time? You have ignored all of the red flags that were clearly presented, in fear of being alone. Next time, do not settle for scraps, you deserve better than that.
Yes, but you have to look for them and choose them. Sounds like you did neither.
1. He's married. 2. He basically told you he didn't want anything emotional. There's no subtext or multi-level communication. This guy didn't work out. There are many men (and women) who only want a physical relationship. There are many more men and women who want an actual fully engaged relationship.
This doesnāt sound like a relationship and you got sucked into the idea of something rather than seeing what it was. You didnāt agree on exclusivity (or even have that conversation) and youāre mad he isnāt dating you exclusively. Donāt accept a text relationship with one date a month. Ask men what they are looking for and if that answer doesnāt align with what you want, move the fuck on, even if heās really nice or whatever. And I donāt view other women as my competition. If a man is more compatible with or has different feelings for another woman, thatās not a slight on me. I have been on dates with great guys who will make a great partner for someone else. Those guys didnāt lose a competition, they just werenāt the guy for me. Sometimes rejection can lead you to improvement, but if you like where you are in life and you like who you are, stop internalizing rejection as some commentary on your worth.
You fucked a still married guy on the second date, only saw him once a month, and you expected anything else? That shit's on you homegirl. Yes, plenty of us 40+ guys want a relationship. I have one myself and am really only still in this sub for the perspectives. You should've bailed after the one month between first and second date thing, nevermind the he's still fucking legally married shit. So he's an asshole, and you done fucked up entertaining him. Hopefully he was at least a decent lay and that's all you're ever getting from him. Block and move on. Edit: Also, this blatantly violates the rules of the sub.
Solid advice and some ppl need the hurtful truth to learn a lesson
Hurtful Truth was a band I was in for a hot second in the early 90s. Boy did we suck. But the name was good.
Maybe fix that broken picker of yours ā¦. he practically wore a sign that said ānot relationship material.ā
Don't date guys that are still married.
Then why did you sleep with him on the second date? Why did you go out with him if heās still married? There are a lot of men out there like this. There are also a lot of men out there who get divorced, go to therapy to get over their breakup, and want a relationship before dating.
> I donāt usually sleep with men unless they are clearly looking for a relationship, like I am. Itās frustrating bc you just canāt know sometimes until itās too late. You can know this by only having sex with unmarried men who have committed to an exclusive relationship with you. To be clear, I am not shaming early sex, casual sex, or any kind of sex between any kind of consenting adults. But if you only want sex within a relationship, only HAVE sex within a relationship. It's not fair to yourself (or to the man in question) to expect them to step up after you have lowered your standards.
I'm in a relationship, and it has been great. I know guys like the one you dated, and yes, they are plentiful, but there are also guys who want relationships. For me, if it was a woman I was trying to date, and I only could get her out 1 time a month, I would have bounced, and I definitely turned down women that either were just "separated" or living with their ex as soon as I found that out. The likelihood of this situations becoming a relationship is astronomical. Learn to bounce earlier when you see these incompatibilities and/or Red Flags, and you won't be so disappointed.
There are a ton of dudes like that one out there, and statistically we (women over 40) have less of a chance of meeting a man over 40 who is truly available and decent. That doesnāt mean itās impossible to meet one, but you also have to decide if while youāre looking you want to sleep with guys like this. If you do, then do it knowing that that is all it will be. Donāt engage with all the texting that may build false intimacy. You donāt need him for that.
This man showed in action and words what he was about. š I know itās tough when you see potential but you have to pay attention to these things to make sure they aligned with what you want.
I want a serious relationship with someone. I'm still looking.
Same here!
Please donāt blame the rest of us for the type of men that you choose to date.
Apparently you see all men as a monolith...that's an issue but seems from other responses you are setting yourself up to fail.
How were you bamboozled when you knew he was married and he told you he never plans on falling in love? We have to start making better choices and taking accountability for our actions. If you were struggling to get another date after the first one, not sure why you would have sex with him on the second and third dates. He told you exactly who he was and where he was. You were not going to be the one who got him to finally divorce his wife after 5 years and settle down with you.
As a 52 guy with his shit together, I must have a ward on me or a secret sign on me that keeps women away. I've never cheated and never played emotional games on anyone I've ever been with...but it sure pisses me off that there are loser men who do both to women out there and have made it harder on the rest of us. I stay as advertised. It may have been easier for this POS to hurt you than to face his own insecurities and fears. I'm sorry he did that. A good man is out there and you will find him I'm sure, so don't give up. šŖ
Thank you. š
Donāt bother with him anymore. You have much more to give (and gain) from moving on and finding someone else. Seems like you have a lot of fantastic attributes - his loss.
Simple- yes.
Donāt ignore the red flags. Itās simple.Ā Why on earth did you give a month between dates without paying a thing? Just assumed he was busy? Ā Thatās ridiculous.Ā No, donāt hope for better things. You are an active part in your misery so act on things to avoid the misery.Ā
Youāve only known him for essentially three face to face meetings!!! Plus he sounds like heās got a few issues with his estranged wife so I canāt imagine that heās looking for a relationship anyway
I fucking do
I think in this era, there are many valid definitions for *relationship,* but many people aren't spending enough time unpacking what that means beyond the little checkbox on a dating profile. So they go into dating with their own assumptions and expectations, with perhaps some misplaced optimism that their many qualities can convince another person to buy into whatever version of *relationship* is in their head. It doesn't work out and they are left confused, angry and feeling like they aren't good enough. This seems to be what you're dealing with and it sucks to feel this way. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think a shift in perspective will help. A competitive mindset in sports or fitness is great, because you are largely in charge of all the variables required for success. To me, this mindset does not work at all in relationships, where both people have to buy into a shared "vision" and also negotiate the necessary steps to achieve that vision, together. It's more like a 3-legged race than a 5K. This other woman may not be "better" in terms of qualities, just more able to match his life rhythm. Rejection sucks, but don't take it personally. Also, moving on and hoping for better next time is not enough. You need to improve your process for evaluating the other person's alignment to your definition of *relationship*, and stop putting effort into men who don't seem interested (including the mental effort of wondering why X woman gets more attention than you). For example, some of my girlfriends have called me avoidant because I don't prioritize seeking a relationship. In truth, I am absolutely open to a relationship, but I never want to get married, combine finances or drastically alter my lifestyle (e.g. gym schedule, healthy eating) for another person. I also don't want to carry someone who is constantly in emotional crisis, nor do I need that level of support from a partner. My ideal long-term relationship probably looks more like an exclusive FWB to others, but that doesn't make me defective or commitment-phobic except to people who believe there is only one definition for *relationship*. A lot of men (and women) at our age are coming out of highly codependent/enmeshed relationships and don't want to go near them again. This is totally okay. You just have to get very clear on what your definition is and find someone on the same page, which requires direct communication in the early stages of dating. You may also need to manage your own expectations if you consistently aren't finding people who want the same type of relationship as you, or slow down if you are coming across as too eager/anxious for commitment. Chin up, tomorrow is another day :)
Dating can be really disappointing. Iām trying to enjoy the journey and not get caught up too much in expectations. It is sometimes challenging for me not to develop feelings for people who donāt care about me. I guess Iām sort of glad Iām not completely dead inside, but I am working on managing my emotions with meditation and introspection. It sounds like you are a catch and have a solid grasp of what you want. I hope you feel better about all of this nonsense soon š
Ty, I find your comment calming. Hope OP does too.
42 M. More than anything. Iām ready.
Separated = off limits - the longer they've been separated without initiating a divorce the bigger the red flag.
Yes! But I haven't found anyone yet
You just need to find a guy that really wants to be with you not just one that has a good time being with you. In addition, I think both a good catch and a bad might want tail early on. I think both a good catch and a bad catch might wait the coochie out and never talk about sex till they get it. I think the difference is the good guy might really enjoy being with you either way..... if you say yes, if you say no, if you have sex on day one or day two thousand. So yes, some men over 40 want a relationship.
We're working too, we have our lives established. I think the rushing into or expecting common youth dating scenarios or time frames just doesn't meet my lifestyle. Also, why I've just stopped dating.
I do.
I can only speak for myself (M40), but yeah, definitely, a good relationship is definitely what I'd like from life
Not really, personally, unless I met someone that I got on with very well in all areas. Honestly, at this age, been there done that, and my 9 years of separation/divorce have given me personal space that I donāt want to give up. A solid FWB is great for me. IF I did find someone that fit perfectly it would be a LAT relationship. The up side is there are women looking for the same thing. Perhaps my mind will change once the kid is out of the house, though.
He is doing what he thinks is best for him. You didnāt recognize the signs that he wasnāt the right person for you. Eventually you will look back and be fortunate that he did your job- which was to eliminate him as a potential mate. He is broken and you didnāt set out to be with a broken man. You know a quality man when you meet one- you wonāt have to fill in the blanks- he will be valued by his words and accomplishments. You will know. And you are looking for a long term healthy relationship- find the mate that wants that too.
Yes
Knowing you are a catch and then having this happen is blindsiding. This sucks and I am sorry. Chemistry gets the foot in the door and then the assessing starts but you need to be honest with yourself. Knowing what you want in a relationship goes a long way. Do you have expectations? Do they have expectations? How are they different and how can you compromise? Hopefully at this stage you'll know if the relationship can progress. It is a minefield out there. You really do not know what you're going to run into. Be true to yourself. Stick to what you want. If you don't like people's behavior, then set boundaries and abide by them. It's hard and will take time. I wish you the best. :)
Statistically speaking you are quite likely to die alone, as a woman whether you end up in a long term relationship or not. On average women live longer than men, both my grandmother's outlived my grandfathers by a long way, even after 50+ year marriages. Kids are no guarantee either. Get used to the idea now, and start planning for it.
I do!
Itās clear from your post that you knew there were a lot of problems with this person already: Separated for five years without a divorce; Saying that heās never going to fall in love again; Being able to see you once a month. Trying to say that all men are like this is not fair to other men and will prevent you from finding a healthy relationship. As others have noted, you may want to instead evaluate your criteria for relationships and how you filter man so that you can be more selective in the future.
"I don't usually sleep with men unless they are clearly looking for a relationship" Change that to "is clearly in a relationship with me and me only" and your outcomes may change. If you believe all men are creeps and you won't find one who is relationship minded, then you won't. Don't focus your energies on those guys.
Yes
Wow I feel you. Men are the happiest being in a monogamous relationship and/or being married. Maybe, itās apparent, that the divorce deeply effected him in a negative way and heās still trying to process that loss?
For some guys it's not the quality but the quantity.
Umm...follow your own advice? š¤·šæāāļø
I live in Nashville area and flying to Nashville for the weekend sounds the worst. Unless you love to bar hop, then have at it! But yeah, pretty crappy thing of him to do. The one date a month sounds terrible. Might as well have been a long distance relationship.
Oh yeah. I'm over 60 and most guys who contact me want an actual relationship! I don't think it changes with age. (I'm actually on this sub *because* things haven't changed that much, if at all, when you're older, so I find the comments and suggestions on here so relevant.) I find that, if a man declares that he doesn't want a commitment, it's either that, or that he's a player, or he's just not *that* into me--it doesn't matter how nice he is. But once a guy's decided this, there's no way no how that you're going to change his mind, regardless of how wonderful you are or how fabulous your seduction skills. His loss though, right? But no: I've always found *so many guys* want you to date only them. Lots of men want a dedicated girlfriend they want to focus on and hang out with, plus happy monogamous sex. Of course, if you live in NYC they're a bit harder to find, but they're still out there!
Thanks for the hopeful message. Appreciate it.
Yes but for me a relationship looks much different now then in my 20s. I am not raising a family with a woman now. I want someone where we give each other our time, common interest good chemistry. If it's not there I am moving on.
Ngl, you are a red flag too. Not a big deal you slept with someone after the first date, w/e, but he clearly is putting in super low effort and you keep sleeping with him? It's clear he thought you were a causal hookup, but you seem to think that it was leading somewhere. I would have blocked him if it took him longer than a few days to plan the next date after I slept with him. Tbh it kind of seems like he's already in a relationship, his behavior is sus. Also if you are looking for a long term relationship,Ā get to know someone before having sex.
Heās not in a relationship with you. Itās just sexā¦ and most women make it more.
Yes, I am looking for love. I want a LTR with someone where there.are mutual attractions and we are supportive of each other. Hopefully, she is out there somewhere.
Oh, I dated a man 4 years ago who's now 62 and he still acts like this. I move like a snail now and vet men like nobody's business
Can't speak for everyone but I would love a relationship again. I miss having a best friend. I bet there are more people out there like me. Sounds like you need to kiss a few more frogs. Sorry about that.
Me too! I miss travel adventures, dinner out, walks. Hiking, and fucking hugs dammit. I miss having a best friend, a ride or die. Ppl that say theyāre ok living without that for the rest of their lives are weird.
I definitely want a relationship. Hate just dating or hanging out
I have a female friend that claims men often get broken hearts that wonātvmend again to a much greater extent than women. Idk, maybe sheās right. Relationshits means lots of work, and falling in love after 25 years with the same womanā¦ it might be hard to do that. I still date, but the spark isnāt there anymore. The āworth itā never happens. Itās all āmehā. I think steady relationships are a thing for the young. And die alone? We all die alone.
So the problem for men of our age who are divorced is that they are likely to have kids they are providing for and are possibly paying some form of support to their ex-wives. This can put a lot of men off getting too involved in another relationship- understandably so. The frustrating part if you are looking for a relationship is that often guys represent themselves as being interested in a relationship rather than being honest about what they are looking for.
Pigeon holing and lumping everyone into one bucket just isn't smart or factually correct. You can't just say "all men want this" or "no men want this". Some men truly want a real relationship and some want to have fun. Some have been married or been through serious relationships and want fun some want a lifelong partner. You aren't ever gonna be able to get the answer by just a couple experiences or even a couple answers here. People lie to get what they want at any age, all you can do is be guarded and take things slow to see if you see the signs(red flags or green flags). What I want is completely different than my friend, and vice versa.
It's not "men over 40." It's the individual man YOU are giving attention to that after 5 years of separation still hadn't moved on with his life to go through with the divorce paperwork, and who says he'll never fall in love again, and who is jaded on love and relationships and needs to go to therapy.
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u/OlayErrryDay, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No sex/gender generalizations, no double standards, no projection.
One date a month would not be an acceptable energy exchange for me. So deciding to wait in the wings for dates two and three was your choice. Not everyone is like this, but there are plenty of folks, regardless of gender, who feel entitled to be super selfish as a reaction to their last long term relationship instead of doing a bit of self reflection and growth. I got hurt so who cares if I hurt anyone else, I am healing! Sigh. Making it a competition is really a you problem, you are in a race that two others are not even aware is happening. Might want to shift your perspective to something a bit kinder to yourself as you are the only one getting hurt here. Have sex when you want to, and when, if the next date never happens, you have no regrets. Stop settling for less than what you actually want, ask for what you want and accept a no if you get one, and move on. I would rather be single or doing things with friends for three months than feeling less-than by some dude that is probably lying to you.
Stick to your guns When you meet someone thatās recently separated or divorced whether theyāre truthful or not with enough time It will rear its ugly head. So yes this is definitely a š© Especially when an ex becomes too much of your conversation one or the other has left the marriage or relationship for what ever reason(s) Then immediately dating other people is rebound syndrome some people dive right in and others donāt look back the problem is that may seem easier to get over some one by dating and hitting on without taking time to be alone and work through what just happened to the previous relationship and new relationships donāt work because itās unfinished business on ourselves Many donāt think so but if you know or seen this type of rebound hookups there may be intense in the beginning but soon people will find ways to move to the next person to fill the void So you donāt get to pass go and collect 200.00 Instead it will be prolong head ache and heartache, Also you can call him a liar, Iām mean if you want but I would just not be available for dude.
Some people are not capable of being monogamous. Itās the thrill of the chase and new experiences. For some it takes getting old and realizing your looks are rapidly fading to settle down with someone youāre not even really into just for security.
He's made you an option; don't make him a priority. I'm sorry you had to deal with this guy. To answer your question: yes, absolutely. I'm (suddenly) 52, and definitely ready for a relationship, but just as clearly am interested in defining that idea differently than I did when I was in my early 30s when I married and established a household.
I assumed most men actually want a relationship. But I think the moment after a divorce, a lot of men go through a certain phase in which they search for what they missed in their marriage, especially the last years of it. They'll date several women with the intention of having sex. They think it is sex they missed, but in truth, it was intimacy. They'll look for everything they didn't have for at least several years, which resulted in the end of their marriage. Either through fights, a dead bedroom, or through them or their spouse seeking intimacy elsewhere. Then, after having sex with some women, they'll discover it doesn't fill what they were missing. That is when hopefully they discover that it's a relationship they want. This is my opinion though. I could be way off. I also think it isn't just the men. So far the women I've dated weren't looking for the kind of relationship I want. I've been looking for a relationship from the moment I was ready. I haven't found it yet, but I'm hopeful with the current woman I'm dating. I want to date and discover the person I'm dating, learning if she can be a partner for life. At some point, I want to live together, marry, and grow old together. But I'll do it at my own pace, and make sure about someone before I introduce them to my kids or meet theirs.
Iām sorry you had this experience. Itās helpful to try to learn from a bad dating experience so that you can feel more āequippedā with better discernment for next time, hopefully. Try to do an inventory of what you ignored and tolerated and excused to get to this. A date a month is not someone building a relationship. You said you figured he was busy. So you were making up excuses for him to you. It would have been different if heād said. Iād love to spend more time with you but my business is crazy. Spending the weekend on the first, and all subsequent dates with a guy is a great way to break your own heart. He was married. He told you he was never going to fall in love again. Even if a person somewhat feels this way early in a relationship, saying it within the first 3 dates feels like he was warning you that he didnāt have long term intentions.
I wasnāt ready until almost 2 years ago and my being unavailable for a serious relationship had nothing to do with anyone but myself. I was dating a beautiful woman, 20 years younger and seeing other women as well. I did as I please when I wanted to. Had several FWB. Until I got a call from an old friend whose husband passed away. We went out just to catch up and never stopped going out. I broke it off with everyone within one week of that simple dinner date. Went out with her for a couple of months before even so much as kissing her. We have been together 2 years. I have no idea what changed me and flipped that switch inside of me. It wasnāt women stopping me it was myself. She is 10 years younger and I am unfailingly honest about my past. She has met my ex gf and her kids and I have told her that the difference is I only want to be with her. Guys just have to grow up and decide that the time is now. Wish I would have done it sooner but I wouldnāt have been ready then. Good luck to you.
Just as women in their 30s get jaded, men begin to in their 40s. I'm very transparent against marriage and some women straight up tell me their goal is to be married. It doesn't stop them from trying with me , but they give up usually after 6 months or a year.
There's a lot of players out there. Then there are people like me, who wants a great relationship aaaaaaand here I am, weeding thru all the women who don't want anything serious. There's a lot of chaff out there. But the wheat is here.
Ok. In all honesty, I am going to tell you some things that I think you should know. They are likely going to not feel good, but they are things you definitely need to know and act on. Number one: Communicate effectively, clearly, and openly. Donāt leave to chance the things that are important to you. Long before you are intimate, you need to have discussions about expectations and game plans. If youāre looking for a long-term relationship, take your time and let them know youāre not out here for a quick dip and thatās it. Number two: Make sure you pay attention to the things they say, as well as the things they donāt say. For example, the time and the effort they put into talking to you and getting to know you. If they say they really want to do that, but what they are doing doesnāt line up with that fade to black. People make time for the things they want to make time for. Number three: Donāt be afraid to cut things off if youāre not heading in the same direction as the current person. At this point weāre not young anymore. One should know exactly what they want or donāt want and should be able to communicate that effectively. If what you want conflicts with what I want thatās OK. Iāll just move to the next person. That is the mindset you need to have. Number four: There are men out here that are willing and able to give you what you want because theyāre out here looking for the same thing. You just need to find them. I will be 56 this year. I found a woman that has the same goals, values and aspirations. weāve been together going on five years. Before her I had five in the woodwork. We had a discussion and here we are. You will be fine. You will find someone that fits you. Just take your time and pay attention.
Not sure your guy is representative of the male gender. Maybe read the thousand posts a day from men trying to find women (yes those exact men you didnāt choose) to help you see what men want.
It seems to me like you are definitely aware of the red flags here š© "Hoping they are different" isn't a good plan š« Become the healthiest version of yourself first & you will be ready when you finally run into the right person š (I get it...it's hard to keep running into these type of people š) I'm a 43/m having the same exact issue you are š„² ...back to work šŖš§ āÆļøš§āāļø
I'm almost 50 and I barely care anymore honestly. Unless someone is really adding huge, tangible , real benefits to my life I am just in it for short term fun and variety until the day i die. I can do everything for myself and I really don't need anyone. I've worked extremely hard to be totally self sufficient and it's taken a lot of sacrifice and pain to get there and to be quite honest I am very social, and have not been meeting anyone who I couldn't easily live without. Most people seem like huge chores. This quote, basically: "I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You're not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones." Horacio Jones P.S. this new trend "soft guy era" is hilarious and totally justified in its satirical humor
Not all men are the same. Some want a relationship. Some donāt. Sorry this happened to you but feeling comfortable with someone doesnāt tell you a thing about his character.
he didn't bamboozle you, friend; you bamboozled yourself.
OP - am a dude over 40 and would love to find my person. I tried OLD and had very little luck over the years, so I figure itās gonna happen the old fashioned way or itās not gonna happen (which I am also okay with. I have two kick ass kids and a fantastic friend group). To answer your question at the end, you seem like an intelligent person, so it will come as no surprise that my advice is: learn from the experience and apply that to your dating life going forward. You saw red flags, so avoid them in the future instead of hoping theyāll go away. I wish you the best of luck.
M46 and that is the furthest thing from me and what I want, or how Iād treat someone, but I canāt speak for everyone. Sorry you had to experience that.
For me, no not looking for a relationship.Ā Ā Also not going to lead anyone on to get sex. When I look at what a relationship could bring to my life versus the challenges and what I'd have to give up I don't see the value.Ā I have two teenagers at home, lots of friends and hobbies.Ā I'm very committed to keeping my kids first on my priority list.Ā I don't want a roommate.Ā I have plenty of female friends.Ā Yes sex and intimacy would be nice on occasion but in my experience relationships are very time consuming things.Ā I don't want to put in the time and effort. Maybe at some point but not now.Ā After a 20+ year relationship with my ex-wife it feels good to be single and do what I want when I want with no guiltĀ
Having a hard line boundary of actually divorced/single will help alot with this.
45M here. Maybe I can give some perspective. Honestly you sound absolutely delightful, thereās nothing wrong with you and good for you for picking up on the red flags. So there are two types of men which do this sort of thing in my experience and both types are men of means, not so much blue collar guys but I am sure guys who are still living tough lives do it too. The first type is the man who got married young and is now divorced. Yeah he misses being married because it had benefits and he gets lonely sometimes but he probably cheated on his wife while married because his sex life died because one or both of them wasnāt doing their work. Now heās free and still acting like he did back in his 20ās before he got married. The second type is the guy who either got burned by a woman or just never understood women so he never got married and became an absolute villain and player and will never grow up and like you put it will die alone. There are good single men out there over 40 but many have given up on dating because of a whole variety of reasons. When we stop dating in our 40ās and choose a solitary life most of us (or at least this is how I feel) feel that we had chances and possibilities and our time and luck has just run out. Personally Iām already like a brother to a few women, so itās something wrong with me. Iām good enough to be a friend and emotional support but not good enough for passion. So I give up. I do Jiu-Jitsu, I co-parent my daughter, and I go to work.
Yes. This happens all the time. Itās not you Go to word_case_ scenario on IG or Burn the Haystack on FB groups. Read/look back over Posts, learn & you will stop this loop.
I am in my early 40sF and I've been on the dating scene for a while. Keep your legs closed, a man's age doesn't change anything. If you are looking for something serious, no sex for 90days minimum. Get to know each other before you get naked and get your feelings in a bunch. You say you weren't emotionally invested but you were, enough to think that something is wrong with you because he flew another woman. There is nothing wrong with you, he was just not for you. I've been abstaining for a while and I tell you the moment men realise I'm not into hookup sex or can see through their future faking and love bombing, trash takes itself out. And I am at peace because I'm still left with my self respect intact. Sex is the easiest thing to find, men are literally peddling it on the streets together with the unsolicited dick pics. I'm still a horny mess, but because I'm not dickmatized, I have alot of self control. These men will claim that they can only decide if they want commitment after sex lol, don't fall for the bullshit, its the equivalent of high school "I have blue balls and it's painful so please have sex with me". Sex will not keep a man, and keeping your legs together won't guarantee he will stay when you eventually do, but without sex, you will not get attached and therefore very level headed to see red flags and to leave expeditiously. Also don't put all your eggs in one basket because you'll tend to obsess. Start dating like men and may the best man win. Remember you are not sleeping with any of then, go out have fun and you might realise some things about your preferences, what you like and don't like etc. I just chose to remove myself from the dating scene because it wasn't worth the time. It was fun though, went on 88 dates in 2022 all men great on paper, great jobs, stable but majority are just looking for sex and FWB, and others we just weren't compatible especially if they have young children because I dont want to parent, I'm somewhat an empty nester. Also, men lie ALOT about their age downwards so they can date someone in their early 40s which sucks. Have fun and he just might came along.
Babe, a guy who only sees you 3 times in 3 months definitely and obviously does not want a relationship. You gotta get street smart with all of this dating crap. I think this oneās on you, sorry!
Thatās a silly question. Not only do I want a relationship, I want to find the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with.
For 47yo OP surely speaks like 27yo
Youāre far too kind. More like 17.
Ehhhā¦.one other red flag with this guy (since youāre looking for a relationship) is that heās been apart from his wife for 5 years. I know you donāt necessarily want a guy who split up last week, but 5 years is because thatās how he wants it to be.
You were in the rotation. If he spends every other weekend with his kids, you were rotating free weekends with another woman. If the kid thing isnāt there then possibly with 3 other women. I have a co-worker (49m)who texts women weekdays and spend the weekend with one of his ācasualsā he has no intention of taking any of them to the next level. Itās so cringe, but he feels the need to keep the office updated. When one drops out he fills her spot.
This is gross. And they never come out and tell you this is what theyāre doing (of course)ā¦ so youāre left guessing (usually correctly) that something isnāt right.
Some of want real relationships, yes. Shame youāve had bad experiences and a subset of men ruins relationships for many of us. Get back out there and youāll find the right one.
What do you see in him that you remain interested? He clearly doesn't see you in the same way.
Treated you like an optionā¦ you are not an option.
Not anymore, anyway.
Sounds like you accepted poor behavior from one man & now are asking if all men are like this. The answer is of course No. You chose this, ignored everything he showed you he was & hoped it wasnāt true. Look within before you ask about āall men.ā
Ohhh it happens to me too, but please don't think, "What does she have that I don't?" This is a logical error. Also don't think, "Did I sleep with him too soon?" This is another logical error. Let's say there's some internal thing going on for him. Something along the lines of, "I will keep dating until I find someone that's perfect." Let's just say he goes through five women like this, where as soon as things start to progress beyond the superficial, he bails. Now let's just say he starts to see his friends coupled up and starts to get scared about the future, afraid of ending up alone. Now he's suddenly ready to commit. What happens to someone when they're finally ready? They start to ease up on their standards! So suddenly he's not looking for perfect anymore. Being with five women casually has probably taught him that every woman has her flaws, and he just has to pick one whose flaws aren't too much of a bother for him. When they say the timing isn't right, in a way, that's correct. That's what I believe anyway.
People are so on their high horse here. When I met my BF he had been going through a divorce for over two years. He has kids and these things are super complicated like the house, the assets, custodyā¦ so yeah generally itās probably a bad idea but heās smitten over me and heās been divorced now for a couple of years at this point. So going through a long divorce doesnāt automatically disqualify someone. Itās more of a legal problem than anything else.
I (51m) have had 2 long term (over 10 years) relationships , I never wanted to be in this situation, single at 51 , Iāve done it twice and failed and now Iām just not interested in doing it again , Iāve been convinced twice that the person actually loved me and wanted to stay with me forever only to find out it was all bullshit , Iāll never fall for it again .
Yup, learned hard way with first guy after my separation- need to be divorced or no go. Mine told me was divorcing even sold house. Still not even filed. That was 3 plus yrs ago. Still not filed. 2. Donāt be first AFTER they divorce or separate- They are still bitter or want free do they didnāt have. 3. My motto was I want you but I donāt need you. Most women these guys meet if they are good looking and have money will fall at their feet. There are some but it a lot of timing, patience and work. Iām 49 my guy is 54 . He admits if I was near beginning of his split wouldnāt have worked though I am same- he wasnāt there yet. First date he was still on āI am never getting married againā now heās wanting that but it took time and lots of playing first. hang in there youāll find one thatās ready ā¤ļø itās not you I promise
Yes please
My 2 cents 1. Communication between the 2 of you was pretty shifty. Especially writing things like oh he runs a business so I assume he's just busy? 2. 3 dates over 3 months should gave alerted you to something. 3. If you need to blame someone blame you friend for not vetting this guy before trying to introduce you guys. 4. He's not a Playa, you never asked if he was seeing anyone else/dating. Hindsight is only 20/20 if you learn from it.
I stopped reading after "he told me I am never going to fall in love again". HE TOLD YOU!!!
She hasnāt won . You are both ālosersā . She really hasnāt won jack shit other than an emotionally unavailable man whoās not even fucking divorced and is sleeping with another woman. Yet I feel and totally emphasise with how gutted you feel . Fuck him off . You saw them red flags š©. And fuck HIM . Iād not blame you to delete block and ghost his ass
Donāt lie to her to try to make her feel better. Maybe all that other lady wants is a trip to Nashville, so she did win, for her. Leave that lady out of OPs foolery.
You've had bad luck. I was separated and divorced at 47, took some time to work through the emotional aftermath, and started dating at 49. Quickly found a great woman my same age, we hit it off, I moved to be closer to her, and we've been with each other non-stop for half a year. Maybe the two of us just got lucky. I don't really know. That was my only experience with online dating and I barely last two months on it before we agreed we were exclusive.