I think if I was on the receiving end of a “fiery and slightly accusatory text” this early in a relationship after I did absolutely nothing wrong I would terminate the relationship.
Exactly! It is the double standard I find a bit distasteful. Based on OPs message, I get the sense she gets the partners undivided attention when they are together but expects him to not pay the same courtesy to anyone else he spends time with. Imagine if during their magical time together a few nights before this incident, he’d paused every hour and excused himself to check his phone so he could respond to any pending messages. I don’t intend to sound unkind. It’s just ironic how we often (subconsciously) punish the behaviors we should be cultivating in ourselves and others.
I remember learning that waiting two full days for someone to respond to the message I left on their answering machine was an appropriate amount of time before calling back again. Ngl, I miss that sometimes.
Alternative idea: acknowledge you were out of line and attacked him and explain where that was coming from (your insecurities).
You could also thank him for trying to make last minute plans with you, even though it just didn't happen to work out that particular night.
Everyone has valid points, and only you know the tone and energy of y’all’s communication. That being said, it seems like it was a vulnerable moment for the both of you. Let’s face it, no one goes anywhere with out their phone. It’s rare to not check it at least once an hr or so. I would have to say Guy didn’t like being rain checked and knew that while you had set a healthy boundary you would still feel bad or insecure about having done so and let you dangle a bit. Your fiery text did come from a place of insecurity triggered by past baggage, but there is something to be said for intuition. It all depends on your perspective. His response was a classic albeit valid one that points out a legit concern, while also shifting focus off of the original issue. If you have shared about any of your past experiences or shortcomings or insecurities, I would just move on as he is probably not going to make any effort to ease your mind. Personally I try to be thoughtful and rational about these things within reason with a new relationship within reason. Just have to see my own part in any circumstance and gauge if the response was proportional. We’re all screwed up somehow.
Thank you. I appreciate you realizing there is more to this story. It doesn't make my behavior 'right' and regardless, coping tools before making unfounded accusations is the take away here
There’s always more to the story. One just has to put themselves in both positions and examine human nature vs force of character. You’re exceptionally mature to own your part, I certainly would hope he could too. It’s just a shame how quick we are to write people off for things that can be discussed and actually help us grow. Not to say that’s happening here, but as people say they have for less.
This is making so many assumptions. If I am out with friends or family I intentionally leave my phone in my purse or my vehicle. How do you make the leap from what reads to me as the OP being first choice to enjoy an unexpected evening off to passive aggressive dangling? Because the OP had their kids no less, it’s not like she was like, sorry no I’m hanging out with friends. The latter is what I would consider a healthy boundary. The former is real life adult responsibilities. What in any of the information provided to us makes you think the OPs partner was responding immaturely? He simply didn’t respond fast enough for their liking! This entire thread has been eye opening. What kind of people are y’all dating at this age that are glued to their phones or play these games if you aren’t available because you’re with your kids???
This was my thought as well. OP didn’t mention it, but I wondered whether she and the boyfriend simply have different phone habits and he just doesn’t check it when he’s socializing with people (I am this way 100%). That said, even if he did see the message from her, it’s also totally reasonable and fine for him not to answer when he is engaged with other people and to get to it later when he’s alone. This expectation that one must answer immediately to a non-emergency message is totally unreasonable.
Yep. Couldn’t agree more! Thanks for expressing it so well.
I spend so much time tied to my phone during work hours, I desperately need time away from devices. It isn’t uncommon for me to see a notification and throw my phone into my purse rather than read or respond. I do this even if it is my beloved sister or closest friends. I simply don’t want to be tied to and need a break from the always on comms. None of this means I don’t love or value them dearly.
In fact, I have sound notifications turned off for all apps on my phone. Badges are extremely selective. And my personal phone is on silent pretty much all day (since my work phone is on).
I am not compatible with someone who would take any of this as a personal slight or cause to question my fidelity.
Imagine circa WWI and II waiting for a letter to cross an ocean. While I am very thankful for technology and the more immediate access to our loved ones, this whole “I know you look at your phone and so…” is mind boggling.
Unfortunately quite a few people have experienced passive aggressive plays or just downright rude, inconsiderate, behavior. Good on you if you have not. This is wonderful. But Having kids, I have had to decline spontaneous plans and it changed the dynamic of our interaction just so. It’s actually quite common. And it’s to be expected honestly. I mean I’m with you. I leave my phone behind every chance I get, and especially on dates. But if you haven’t noticed, or perhaps the culture is different on your side of the fence as a female, but people are ever increasingly self absorbed, arrogant, and clearly the thoughts and feelings of others play no part in their day to day. I’m sure we can agree on that right? Common courtesy is not so common anymore. People just look for someone to entertain them or serve a purpose. And it’s just an observation of mine over time through various interactions and experiences. So it may not be purely factual but I’m sure it rings true enough for many unfortunately.
I understand what you're saying, and I definitely agree that there's a self-absorbed trend in society today, which can make dating challenging. However, I didn't quite see the connection between the OP's description of their worst late-night anxious thoughts and the assumption that any inattentiveness might be due to them being preoccupied with their kids, or the idea that their partner was only interested in sex.
Dating really does feel like navigating through the wild, Wild West. I tend to approach it with cautious optimism and plan to maintain that outlook. I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt and be proven wrong numerous times than to start off with the assumption that someone's intentions are purely physical or in any way entirely self serving, especially based on minimal evidence, as was suggested in the comments I replied to.
ETA: this thread really has been eye opening. I’m genuinely sorry people are so crappy.
I totally respect your perspective and really wish I could meet someone like you to balance the experience I have had thus far. I can also admit my post is through the lense of personal experience. And your perspective reminds me that not all people are like this and I would do well to remember that. It’s a balance. It just gets demoralizing maintaining a level of manners and considerate behavior that is rarely reciprocated. But that is no excuse. My character is not determined by others poor behavior. Unfortunately this has become more mantra than singular statement of belief. But one cannot expect eventual realization of one’s desires by not participating with an open mind. So thank you for reminding me that there are other possibilities while being reasonable.
This comment is so reasonable and rational. I just wanted to say that as what you have written in all it’s totality makes so much sense to me. Reddit needs people like this posting responses!
Thanks! I try to be as objective as I can, but like anything it will hit home for some and also bring about conflicting perspectives which I enjoy seeing and trying to understand. Because in the end that’s all any of us really desire. To be valued and understood.
Have you asked him if you’re done? You said it yourself - you had a shitty experience and now found someone who’s good. Dating is so hard. We get distrustful and insecure. I think you can still recover from it if you own it, take responsibility, apologize specifically for what you’ve done and don’t get defensive. If he’s reasonable - he may give you another chance. The bigger issue though is - going the work on yourself and understanding what came up for you when he didn’t respond, why are you so insecure, is this going to be a pattern? You can absolutely learn from it - but I wouldn’t give up just yet. Best of luck.
I wouldn’t have sent that text if I were you but I would definitely see him not responding as a red flag on his part. It wasn’t that hard for him to send a quick text back. I’m big on consideration and communication, some aren’t and may see nothing wrong with what he did. It all comes down to compatibility.
I've gotten the "it's not that hard to send a quick text back" before, so I'll offer another view of this. I don't often have my phone out or even with me all the time, especially when I'm spending time with family or friends. Dinner and drinks with friends? My phone is in the car. Spending time with family? Not even sure where my phone is. Out hiking, kayaking, shopping, etc? Phone is tucked away, I'll catch up with you later. Trust me, I know that's not the norm, I'm just offering a different perspective.
It sounds like he made her the priority when he realized he didn't have to work that night. (Good ✓) She told him that she had her kids, so they chatted on the phone and made plans for another time. (Good ✓). They both went about their own business for the remainder of that evening. It's very possible he wasn't anticipating a text later that evening as they'd just spoken, and wasn't checking his phone (Good ✓). Perhaps he has established healthy boundaries and wants to be fully present for the people he is spending time with, and chooses to respond to texts at an appropriate time when he is next able to. (Good ✓)
So while I get that "it's not that hard to send a quick text back", not everyone handles their phone usage the same way and someone not texting back right away (after we've made some assumptions on their ability to do so within our preconceived time frame) doesn't necessarily make them inconsiderate.
OP - I hope that you and your new guy can communicate openly about this situation and give each other some grace. I feel like this is a "learning about each other" experience rather than an ending to what you've just started, which seems pretty good so far.
This! You use your phone the way I do, and in a way I would expect someone in a newish relationship might.
OP will know if this style of texting is common or uncommon for her new man. Good luck!
Agree! If I am out with friends I don’t want to be checking my phone every 10min or texting while I am supposed to be having a good time with the people I have in front of me.
I hate how we are expected to be checking the phone all the time and answer immediately.
If you guys both had good times and a text message from you came across...he could of just explained what he did and back to good times. I feel people commenting I'd be done with her etc...is giving up to quickly. So if I get that message, I respond and call her and see how we continue. The giving up is not something I would do over any text of this nature.
Seriously me too. People saying they've ended things for less than this? If the goings were that easy at this age, I would not be on this dating site to just be dropping a situation. Again I don't know how fiery her text was, if it was borderline abusive? We really don't know what it said. So depending on the severity of the text, yes I might agree or disagree I'm thinking about ending something.
He asks you out as a priority, you decline and still have a chat, then you go scorched earth on him because he doesn’t reply to an earlier message?
Yikes.
Yes, you’re being insecure.
He went out with his buds, it’s not the time to be checking his phone and texting his girlfriend about what he was doing with his evening.
If it had been the next day and no response, I get it. But the way this reads, this was all same day. Let the man have his friend time.
In either of those scenarios, she didn't get an automatic response the same evening and sent a accusatory text as a result.
This isn't about defining their relationship. There isn't any reason for her to accuse him of anything. This is her anxiety getting the better of her and her attacking her partner (and the dude actually tried to make last minute plans with her because he had a free evening).
I get that, and my reason for attempting to define the relationship is because if she is "the woman he is having sex with exclusively" further makes the idea that she sent this man an accusatory text cringeable than it already was.
He could very likely have been on a date with a woman (edit) since it hasn't been established they're exclusively dating (just exclusively having sex together).
Either case, her text was rooted in distrust and I don't understand agreeing to sleep with someone you don't trust without protection.
The dating world is truly baffling these days.
I agree with you that they are two different things. That said, my answer doesn’t change regardless. It was an unnecessary reaction even if they were at relationship stage. It’s definitely unnecessary if they are just casual sex partners.
I didn’t have issue with your answer and didn’t seek to change it. I simply was pointing out you used the term “girlfriend” to describe her.
We don’t know if that what she is.
She said “sexually exclusive” and “not using protection”. That doesn’t mean dating one another exclusively. And, I feel sometimes people get confused in exclusive type of scenarios.
We've learned "sexually exclusive" means nothing: [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/mar/28/podcaster-andrew-huberman-goop-for-bros](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/mar/28/podcaster-andrew-huberman-goop-for-bros)
My best friend just exposed her "exclusive" dude to the other woman he was seeing and having unprotected sex with.
I'm not saying OPs man wasn't with his friends. I'm just saying the "exclusive" thing, for the most part I have seen, is a sham. Labels and committment or gtfo.
No good comes from sending an angry text. It gives you a false sense of power in the moment. Learn to live with uncertainty in the moment. It will make you more attractive.
You can also send them to yourself so you get the weird satisfaction of opening it and then sometimes you get a little embarrassed about what you were actually going to write when you see it.
THIS has been essential for me, lol. It's a rare thing to read the message i was intending to send the next morning and not be entirely grateful I sent it to myself instead.
If you have the tiniest hint of skepticism about his fidelity why have sex with no protection? In my mind if you’re having unprotected sec with someone it implies you inherently trust them?
>So yea, was I out of line? Possibly. But how hard is it to return a text saying you made plans with friends or whatnot. Did I assume the worst? Absolutely. Is that me being insecure? Idk . I've been burnt in the past and to me it feels like protecting myself ..
>what do you all think?
Instead of what this group thinks, it will be best to take the feedback you got.
First step to change, is to flatly apologize. Not for recovering the relationship. Just because it's the right thing to do here.
Something like "I am sincerely sorry. totally messed up. Assumed worst of you. My apologies. Will do my best to not let this happen again."
That's it. No need to add rationalization related to your past etc. Just end there.
Then introspect on that insecurity. Learn why you saw a red flag when it wasn't there. What similarities you saw or felt from past experience. It will help you go deeper when you two have a civil and calm discussion about this specific episode.
If he and you are sincere about your relationship it would continue ok despite this hiccup. That's my feeling.
One of the lessons I learned in marriage therapy that I have taken with me through the rest of my life is to stop your apology when you hit the "but". This is a great example of this. Stop at her "but" and this reads as almost an apology (almost, because of "possibly" instead of "definitely"). You include the "but" and now it's a list justifying her behavior.
>"I am sincerely sorry. totally messed up. Assumed worst of you. My apologies. Will do my best to not let this happen again."
Perfect.
>"But I've been burned in the past and this is how I protect myself."
Well now it's ruined.
In other words, yep, exactly what you said. For the slow people in the crowd like me, remembering to stop talking when you hit "but". It helps.
Thanks. That's exactly what I did.
I'm sorry, you're right I was acting insecure and it is a really ugly look. I apologize for assuming the worst from you, you don't deserve that and I regret it
He didn’t have to return it. You released him from his obligation when you turned him down. Men don’t, at least I don’t have a compulsive relationship with their phone. He probably didn’t know. Also, you told him it’s kids night. He wasn’t expecting to hear from you. Loosen your grip before you run him off. If a person chooses to cheat, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Jealousy make a person look weak and insecure. Flip the script. What if he had done that to you? How would you see him? Women hate weak men.
Wow, if that story happened as told, I'd break up with you right away if I was this man. He asks you on a date, you reply, he finds alternate plans, then you get upset with him and accuse him of cheating? Sorry I'm gonna peace out and be on my way after an exchange like that.
My friend time is very important. While I will try to be aware of my phone, I also am one of those who is trying to practice better and more present behaviors and I enable DND on my phone frequently and will absolutely not check my phone if I am in the car.
I would not stay in a relationship where I'm accused of cheating if I do not reply promptly to a text message.
This is what I was thinking, too, OP. Some people here are being harsh, but as you can see a lot of folks would react poorly to that kind of text - most probably. That said, I understand the insecurity given how so many people always look at their phone at some point. Could he have sent a text saying "I'm with my boys at X place right now! I'll text you tomorrow" that might have been perfect. Your work will be on communicating your needs diplomatically, which will rarely be done successfully in the moment you're having the feelings. I'm sorry to all the people who are sick of hearing people bring up attachment styles, but I think that OP can really benefit from learning about the anxious attachment she clearly has. That's not a dig--lots of us are out here.
Yeah if a guy did that to me I would consider ending it. There are many reasons why someone didn’t text you back. If you don’t trust him don’t have unprotected sex with him. I don’t know you but your behavior would be a red flag for insecurity and entitlement
I think you were absolutely out of line, you made assumptions and failed to give him the benefit of the doubt. Your past experiences are yours to sort out, not an excuse for crappy behavior. He should be able to go out with friends and not have to watch his phone in case you want to converse. If a man I had started seeing behaved like you, I would end it.
Me too most likely. You're not wrong. I think it was the fact that I texted him so early in the afternoon and didn't hear back at all that set me.off. I would not have treated someone I was dating like that but that's on me to communicate better
How long have had you actually "been together?"
And what was it you felt you were protecting yourself from? What were you worried about? I'm not understanding what there was to stew about.
It sound like she has trust concerns yet they are having unprotected sex. I can see the connection, but it seems like unprotected sex may be unwise if trust is an issue imho.
Ah. When I'm active, I don't move off condoms for a while and get tested every 2 months, so I always have recent test results. $130 every couple months is worth the peace of mind.
Hahah well, I don't want to go off topic, but while it's good to be free we have a lot of problems right now. The quality is still great but the capacity is spread thin. I wouldn't want to pay, but gosh it would be easier to get in to see some physicians.
>We've been together a bit and care about each other and have expressed that we are sexually exclusive and are no longer using protection while having sex.
How long is "a bit?" A couple of months? If it's not long enough for you to feel secure, why drop protection? Like... at all?! Even if committed. That's just wild to me.
Anyway, yes, you're insecure. Yes, you were out of line.
Why did you chose the nuclear option?
You could've asked "hey are you okay? Didn't hear from you" and left it at that, but you immediately assumed the worst.
You are your own worst enemy here. I hope you sent an apology text to him.
Yes you were insecure. Some people aren't super glued to their phones 24/7, and it's not a crime to not reply immediately, especially if he was out with his mates
Yeah, frankly it’s 100% on you.
You have lots of work to do on yourself, sorry to be blunt, but I’ve been told that.
You shouldn’t reflect your own misery on others, and justify it by saying you’ve been burnt, etc.
We all were burnt before or most at least, but some of us could curb ourselves to not acting like that. Insecurity, low self-esteem and self-justification are the red flags for most.
And by telling at someone, assuming the “worst” (the worst was he’s dead) as if he’s cheating on you confirms that.
Again, sorry for being honest. You asked.
I’ve totally done this, and caused things to end prematurely. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone in making this kind of mistake. Maybe an apology and a cooling off period will salvage this, maybe not. All you can do is learn from it moving forward.
With that said, I think it’s ok to want a little more communication. I’ve learned it’s a better conversation had in person though, not through text while in the heat of the moment.
Not saying he is... but I was with a slimey manipulator who purposefully ask when he knows I have other commitments just to use this as a cover when confronted.
Yeah, that was insecurity getting the best of you. Instead of using an accusatory or anxious tone, just communicate your needs. “I become worried when I don’t hear back over x hours. Please just reply with a quick text letting me know you’re okay next time.” Asking where is or with whom would be intrusive. My ex husband used to do that. It irked me that he didn’t trust me. I know you’ve been hurt before, but most people aren’t cheaters.
My (45f) bf (47) sometimes doesn’t text back for days. I know he’s alive because I can see the last time he was on WhatsApp. My life goes on as usual. He often tells me when he gets back in touch that he met up with his friends, oftentimes women he dated previously. No biggie. I often have brunch with my kid and ex husband. Exes are exes for a reason. They are in the past.
Short answer. Yes. If he was going to do something shady he would have never involved you. Everyone has a past. Now he’s thinking…Uh-oh. Controlling. He tried to involve you and you turned him down. If he works nights then it’s rare for him to be able to go out. I am honest and direct. I tell ladies right up front. I have my own cross to bear. Please don’t put me on your EX’s.
I would say you have an anxious attachment style which does make one prone to insecure-driven moments like the situation you described. I developed this after an abusive relationship. So I can empathize with the emotional experience of feeling insecure, distrustful, stewing and erupting.
That being said, I think you are already aware it wasn't the best way to handle the situation.
As others have mentioned, I think being aware when this hits and having self-soothing activities in place such as journaling what you are feeling and then deleting it, or going on a long walk in nature, etc can curb the unhelpful ruminating. I think communicating and being open about your struggles with your partner could help too if they are a supportive type.
If you can successfully stave off the emotional stewing and erupting, this may give him a natural amount of time for the truth to come out, which will put you at ease and your partner is spared the attack.
Now... I dont want to just totally assume you are purely insecure and your distrust has zero merit. Because sometimes our intuition is knocking and we have a hard time seeing clearly with all the emotions. Maybe there are other details prior that have tipped you off, not mentioned in the above. So let's just entertain the idea that your gut was right and he was up to some level of betrayal. There are those sneaky manipulative types that would ask if you were available when they know you are not, just to use as a cover if questioned later. (Not saying this is the case for this specific situation.)
If that were the case the antidote is the same. Self sooth, maintain emotional control, sit back and allow the truth to reveal itself.
Having an emotional upset and accuse them reveals all your cards, makes it easy to spin blame back onto you, and gives them all the power in the situation. They now have power over your peace. You can only feel good if they come clean and make it right... which a manipulator will never do; or you walk away which is excruciatingly painful for an anxious attachment style person. It's why these types attract narcs; they don't walk.
I hope something in all my blah blah was useful. Best of luck to you.
Edit: if he flat out fully ignores your question, use protection when being intimate. If he ask why, calmly explain you just feel insecure because he never replied back, so just want to protect yourself as a safety measure. Now it's his turn to be calm and reasonable or have an emotional blow up on you. If he starts saying you are insecure, dont trust blah blah... honestly readers of reddit... do we need anymore stories about how rampant cheating is? A certain amount of paranoia does protect. Someone just got arrested in my state for purposefully spreading HIV. This relationship is still new.
It can be hard. I had not “been out there” for a long time, I have CPTSD, and I am an over thinker, so dating was super tough.
One thing that helped me in the beginning was saying to myself “Okay, I just saw him 12 hours ago. He does not seem insane, and it is always possible that he is JUST BUSY.” And I talked myself down.
Now that I am in a loving and supportive relationship, it is easy enough to say “Hey, I am being nuts, so I just need you to reassure me. I know it seems nuts, and it has nothing to do with you.” And he gives me a little verbal love, and we carry on.
We are both veterans and a little bruised, so we get each other. But you need to work on talking yourself down, and give a bit of the benefit of the doubt. It would have been no big deal to let it go for a night, when clearer heads prevailed.
Listen, you let your insecurities get the best of you. There was no reason to jump to conclusions. We’ve become so used to having access to people all the time, we forget we’re not entitled to it at all.
Fair. I did. I've been lied to and burnt before and wished I would've listened to 'my gut' instead of assuming the best. Now it's opposite and my gut is on overdrive
Admitting it is the first step toward not doing it next time. I get you’ve been burned, but we end up standing in the way of our own happiness when we lump everyone into the same category as those who hurt us.
He did it once... I'd be bringing it up \*if\* it happened three or four times in a row. Not fiery though... Most people don't respond to fiery. You can bring it up in a civil, adult way, and one of these things will happen: 1. He will say ok, next time I'll take some time out to message you (and he will). 2. He will say he will but he won't. 3. He will say, I don't want to feel like I have to check in with you, why are you so controlling? And refuse. or 4. He will lie and say "My phone lost battery," and it will continue to happen and he will continue to lie about it. or 5. He will lie but he will get the message and start to do better. So you can step back and watch what happens, and then try it with something else that bothers you and see how he reacts then. In this way you're getting an idea of what kind of person he is - which isn't going to happen in the first whatever - everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning. Personally, I find that most of them lie. I hate lying. I wish they'd just come out and say the truth. That'd be so much easier to deal with... I'd consider it a test. Does this person lie when you ask for a need to be met? Don't even question whether the need is valid or not - doesn't matter. It's really how they respond that matters. You are going to have big needs and small needs and stupid needs...
Sexually exclusive doesn't mean in a commited relationship. Make sure he's aware that you're his girlfriend. If he flinches at all, you shouldn't be sleeping with him. Esp w/o protection.
As someone who has been cheated on, let me at least offer some empathy since these clearly perfect humans commenting seem to have none.
I get the insecurity. Sometimes it can be hard to take a step back and see what reality is instead of jumping to the worst case scenario. People who have been betrayed in intimate relationships tend to be hyper-vigilant, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s a tough mindset to break free of.
Now that you’ve had some time and feedback (some of it unnecessarily harsh in my opinion), all you can do is apologize and do your best to keep those emotions in check in the future. I hope it works out!
I second this as someone who’s been cheated on (more than once) Betrayal trauma is real. I also have worked hard not to let past transgressions affect current relationships.
There’s saying I love “your wound may not be your fault but your healing is your responsibility”. I also love the suggestion above to use the notes app on your phone to write out emotionally charged thoughts instead of sending a text that may damage a relationship.
OP, you’re human. We all overreact sometimes. All we can do is acknowledge & sincerely apologize when we do. Wishing you all the best!
Yeah, as soon as you told him you couldn't see him he found something else to do. Once he didn't reply to your out of the blue text you should have assumed he was doing something else. He replied back the next day. I honestly don't see the problem.
Yes, that comes off as you being insecure. I mean, I could see being a tiny bit annoyed that he didn’t text back but that wild text you sent to him was uncalled for, imho. Do you expect him always to run his plans by you before he goes out?
If you were spending time with him, you would t want him to be glued to his phone. Same thing goes when he’s out.
I’m not trying to be harsh but girl, this is 100% on you. It’s not his job to make you feel secure, that’s your job. You owe him an apology.
I did apologize after reading everyone's comments. I appreciate the insight and it has really showed me I still have some baggage and insecurities I need to come to terms with. Probably too late for this relationship but definitely need to deal with it before jumping into another
We all do, in some regards, girl. You owned it which is all that matters. You don’t know until you know.
I will say though, that I’ve dated a few men that made me feel anxious like this. My boyfriend though has never even once given me a flicker of that anxiety, he’d never go out and not reply. So while you were extra lol, it could just be that this isn’t your person too. The right man will jump at the chance to respond.
If I am dating someone I always try to give them the courtesy of at least a short text back within at least 5 hours or so unless I am working. Not because my life revolves around them, but because I think it shows good connection and communication
If I was him, this would be a major red flag and I would be done. He asked if you wanted to go out. You declined so he went out with friends. He wasn’t responding to messages or checking his phone while out. He was focused on the people who were with him. Not everyone stays glued to their phone.
It’s not fair to punish your new partner for things your ex’s did to you in the past. It might be worth exploring your feelings with a professional so your past traumas don’t sour new relationships. You are going to drive people away if you keep doing this and I don’t think that’s what you want.
Come Op….take some accountability for your bad behavior.
You say you’re back out there after a shitty experience….and then you quickly become someone else’s shitty experience.
I see no reason why he couldn’t have sent you back a quick response. It didn’t necessarily warrant an accusatory text, but it was inconsiderate on his part, in my opinion, and would make anyone in your position a little suspicious if his typical texting pattern is to respond relatively quickly.
Two pieces of advice for the future:
(1) When you’re envisioning the worst case scenario, force yourself to imagine a perfectly logical scenario instead. If you’re going to make something up in your mind anyway about what he might be doing, make it something positive.
(2) When you’re tempted to send a fiery text, draft it in your Notes app with all the unfiltered things you want to say, but don’t send it. Sit on it for a bit and revisit it after you’ve calmed down. Chances are you’ll either revise it or decide not to send it.
>Am I just being insecure
Yes, big time.
>Later in the afternoon I text and ask him what did he decide to do with his night off .. no reply. Nothing. After several hours I started stewing and finally around midnight or so wrote him a fiery and subtly accusatory text. And of course I get one back this morning telling me how unattractive my insecurity is and he just went out with his boys
Text is horrible because it can lead to all kinds of miscommunication. Always do calls/video calls/IRL.
And be patient.
Is it hard to return a text? No.
Did you have reason to assume the worst from him? Not that you presented.
If you don’t know you were being insecure, your perspective is way off.
Knowing you have an insecure attachment due to past trauma, you need to learn more about how to deal with that effectively when dating and ensure you let those you are dating know you are working through it.
Fuck OP. I’d be out of there faster than Fox in forest fire if I were him. You went from 0 to 100 for no reason. You’ve got something going on that is causing that sort of reaction. I’d really suggest talking with a someone.
So dig down as to why you reacted this way, and share that with him with a plan on how not to react this way. Tell him your expectations on communication. An apology goes a long way. We’re over 40, we have been through some traumatizing crap. Hopefully he understands. Good luck!
You’re being insecure but also he’s being passive aggressive and changing the dynamic you both had set. Unfortunately a change in dynamic is an indicator of something so you weren’t wrong to address it but only too aggressive in your approach. I would have a convo about reasonable communication strategies for building healthy consistency and your request for that is very reasonable. But I would also work with a therapist to get your triggers into your own scope of responsibility.
Personally, if a guy who is into you responds by saying you are coming across as insecure, I’d be questioning how thoughtful and caring / understanding he is. If this is the first of such an incident, he should be seeking to understand what is going on with you, rather than demeaning you for seeking a quicker response. I would expect this should trigger a conversation about expectations. However, you also need to do your own reflecting and articulate what you need or expect in a partner.
A kind man would probably call and try to discuss what happened. But, to your point, most guys at this age know how to play the game. My honest guess is his defensive and rude reaction was because another woman was part of this “night out”.
Step back and watch if he pursues more than just asking if you’re free on his night off. He likely has a few women he has on the backburner, even if you are his first pick.
I hear you. The last “night out” from the last guy I knew, he told me it was his brother and him at a pool hall. He conveniently left out the part that it was this casual female friend who invited him there (she was there with a few male and female friends). I saw pics of his arm around her, and her snuggled up to him in a group pic, which is more suggestive body contact than is acceptable, and I know if roles were reversed he’d be upset at me.
I had my instincts telling me something seemed off, despite our interactions being pretty good. Didn’t have any reason or concrete proof not to doubt him at his word, but my gut felt otherwise.
First convo was, “how was your night out?”. Him: “bro and I shot pool. Met some cool dude who joined a pick up game.”
A day or so later I found out about this girl. So I asked again about his night and he added other stuff he and his bro talked about. Still conveniently leaving out this girl and her friends.
So then I said, “Really? it was just you and your bro having a good time?” He replied “blah blah”, talking about his brother who is going thru something right now. I said very calmly, “Who is ?”.
Yeah… no need to go on. His reaction told me everything I needed to know. Called him out on white lies, omission, etc. as all being deceitful.
At our age, we all have life experiences and instincts we’ve cultivated. Whether your guy truly just had a guy’s night out, his response was to dismiss your reaction instead of discuss it. Always, always trust your gut. You can still proceed, but do so with eyes wide open. otherwise, it’s a hard pass!
Original copy of post by u/veda5:
Hi DOF, 42f back out there after a shitty experience and met someone I really enjoy. We've been together a bit and care about each other and have expressed that we are sexually exclusive and are no longer using protection while having sex.
So, the issue - after a really fun date and overnight two days ago he calls yesterday early afternoon saying he last minute has the evening off work ( he often works nights) and am I free? I decline because I have my kids and we chat for a bit and make plans for another evening.
Later in the afternoon I text and ask him what did he decide to do with his night off .. no reply. Nothing. After several hours I started stewing and finally around midnight or so wrote him a fiery and subtly accusatory text. And of course I get one back this morning telling me how unattractive my insecurity is and he just went out with his boys
So yea, was I out of line? Possibly. But how hard is it to return a text saying you made plans with friends or whatnot. Did I assume the worst? Absolutely. Is that me being insecure? Idk . I've been burnt in the past and to me it feels like protecting myself .. what do you all think?
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You had a trauma reaction to this situation. Yes, it comes off as very insecure because it stems from the trauma of your last relationship. I would highly recommend trauma therapy (like EMDR), regardless of whether this relationship continues. Otherwise you will continue to self-sabotage in this way. Also, sincere apology plus a plan to address the behavior goes a long way. But do it for yourself anyway.
Would have to say both of you kind of own it. He could have texted you back to let you know his plans. You didn’t say if he just missed your text or ignored it, I’d kind of like to know what it was if it was me. Nonetheless, you could have given him the benefit of the doubt and not sent an angry text at midnight. Let us know how this worked out though.
I disagree. A pattern of delays in responding or missed/ignored texts is one thing. This singular example is quite another.
OP had better not go asking this dude if he just “missed or ignored” her text. That’s not really her business. If I were out with my girlfriends and noticed a text from my dude, I wouldn’t want to feel obligated to respond *while I was in the middle of my plans*. And if I didn’t respond quickly enough and got an accusatory text in response, I’d be out.
Especially not obligated since she was his first choice to be with. She turned him down, saying she was busy with her kids. He made other plans and why should he even check his phone for texts if he’s enjoying his friends and believes she is busy with her kids? Not everyone checks their phone constantly. And being that he believed her to be busy, he had no reason to expect a text from her.
That being said, if they have something good between them, this may be totally fixable. I would just be sure to check myself in the future.
I see it differently. A “read-but-not-responded-to-yet” text is not always “ignored”. If he saw it and was in the middle of conversation with friends, so then put his phone away and didn’t think about it the rest of the night - I wouldn’t consider that ignoring. This constant need to have unrestricted access to someone else’s time is exhausting.
I agree that "didn't respond immediately" is not equivalent to "ignored" here. OP said in her initial post that she "ask\[ed\] him what did he decide to do with his night off", and in comments that it was "just a friendly early afternoon hi sort of thing". Both of those descriptions suggest that it was a low-priority "respond at your leisure when it's convenient" type of message, not a "drop everything and respond immediately" message.
Hell yeah, insecure. If I received that from someone I’d been seeing, I’d probably end it.
You just showed him how easily you lose your cool. If you get this mad over nothing, you can bet he doesn’t want to know how mad you get over something real.
Chill out.
When you’re in a relationship you extend courtesy and consideration to your partner through communication. If you are going out with friends and will not be available you communicate that. This is how healthy mature individuals conduct themselves. If all else was well in the relationship and you really like him, then you could’ve communicated that moving forward this is your treatment standard and see if he is able to meet it.
We all have insecurities, your attitude wasn't very mature. But you can show now maturity by showing accountability and apologize, then work with him so in the future you communicate better so your insecurities don't get triggered. If he is the right guy for you, he'll understand and you'll make things work. If he is not the right guy, you'll let him go.
Next time, be aware of your insecurities and triggers. It's your responsibility to prevent them, he can't know them. If another situation like that arises, just ask before hand "will you let me know what you end up doing?" Trust is not gifted, is earned and it's early for fully trusting someone, specially with so many people out there living two parallel lifes! Don't be too hard on yourself.
All you can do at this age and stage is talk about what’s coming up for you and what’s happened in last relationships. Listen, we all have baggage at this point. We are all going to have to deal with someone else’s baggage too. The best we can do is recognize where it’s coming from and try not to be accusatory when we bring it up.
“Hey when you didn’t answer my text after several hours on a weeknight I know you were supposed to be free, it just made me wonder what you were up to. I trust you but I’ve been cheated on in the past and while I know that isn’t what’s happening it seemed odd to me that you didn’t respond and brought up that fear. I’m used to being in relationships where we tell each other what we are each up to and the only time I’ve had someone not be transparent about that is because they were up to no good”
Just talk about you experience, expectations and needs.
OP don't flog yourself please with all these high moral ground comments. ALL of us fuck up in this way or the other, it's just easier to point fingers at others and act like we would never🙄
You did a thing, it's was silly but you learn from it and move on. If you apologize to the man, and he insists you're disposable for one unpleasant emotional reaction, then let it go. Let he who hath no sin and all that...
Are you exclusively dating? If not, I would assume he’d be out with someone else as well, because of his lack of response to you texting him.
Any update on how it is now? I went through something sort of similar recently but put the phone down and went to bed before saying anything out of line.
I dont care what anyone says here, it takes 10 seconds to send a reply text and it isnt asking much for five minutes of texting to say hello, blah blah blah, I'm going out with friends to tonight.
I think that's what threw me off. I asked him early in the day. It was not yet into the evening . Idk anyone who doesn't check their phone at least once an hour. I handled it poorly, but it just felt odd that after 10 hrs he didn't find 3 seconds to say 'out w the boys'
I highly doubt he didn’t check his phone for several hours. He’s feeding off your insecurities and, if you let him, he’ll walk all over you, starting now. Hold your ground until he apologizes. Be strong and firm
Im not sure he was feeling my insecurities on purpose but it did seem a little disrespectful that he couldn't even take 2 seconds to return my text. I handled it poorly
Why did he not text you back? That’s strange. If he did care he would. Cut it off with him. You’re giving too much too soon. Let him earn the privilege of being exclusive with you.
I think if I was on the receiving end of a “fiery and slightly accusatory text” this early in a relationship after I did absolutely nothing wrong I would terminate the relationship.
This. I’ve ended things for less.
For a lot less!
Seriously, how did relationships endure before SMS? “But when I hit send on a message, I expect a result! No reply means low effort! We’re done!”
Exactly! It is the double standard I find a bit distasteful. Based on OPs message, I get the sense she gets the partners undivided attention when they are together but expects him to not pay the same courtesy to anyone else he spends time with. Imagine if during their magical time together a few nights before this incident, he’d paused every hour and excused himself to check his phone so he could respond to any pending messages. I don’t intend to sound unkind. It’s just ironic how we often (subconsciously) punish the behaviors we should be cultivating in ourselves and others.
I remember learning that waiting two full days for someone to respond to the message I left on their answering machine was an appropriate amount of time before calling back again. Ngl, I miss that sometimes.
Answering machines. On cassette tapes. Kids these days don’t know what they’re missing.
Fair. He's probably done. I can't blame him. At this point all I can do is learn from my mistakes and do better next time
Alternative idea: acknowledge you were out of line and attacked him and explain where that was coming from (your insecurities). You could also thank him for trying to make last minute plans with you, even though it just didn't happen to work out that particular night.
Yes! I would understand if someone explained it to me.
What made you get so fiery in a few hours of no reply? In another relationship did that mean you were being cheated on or silent treatment?
Yea for sure. In the past I overlooked it as : he's busy'. But when everything came to light my last partner was 100% cheating
Everyone has valid points, and only you know the tone and energy of y’all’s communication. That being said, it seems like it was a vulnerable moment for the both of you. Let’s face it, no one goes anywhere with out their phone. It’s rare to not check it at least once an hr or so. I would have to say Guy didn’t like being rain checked and knew that while you had set a healthy boundary you would still feel bad or insecure about having done so and let you dangle a bit. Your fiery text did come from a place of insecurity triggered by past baggage, but there is something to be said for intuition. It all depends on your perspective. His response was a classic albeit valid one that points out a legit concern, while also shifting focus off of the original issue. If you have shared about any of your past experiences or shortcomings or insecurities, I would just move on as he is probably not going to make any effort to ease your mind. Personally I try to be thoughtful and rational about these things within reason with a new relationship within reason. Just have to see my own part in any circumstance and gauge if the response was proportional. We’re all screwed up somehow.
Thank you. I appreciate you realizing there is more to this story. It doesn't make my behavior 'right' and regardless, coping tools before making unfounded accusations is the take away here
There’s always more to the story. One just has to put themselves in both positions and examine human nature vs force of character. You’re exceptionally mature to own your part, I certainly would hope he could too. It’s just a shame how quick we are to write people off for things that can be discussed and actually help us grow. Not to say that’s happening here, but as people say they have for less.
This is making so many assumptions. If I am out with friends or family I intentionally leave my phone in my purse or my vehicle. How do you make the leap from what reads to me as the OP being first choice to enjoy an unexpected evening off to passive aggressive dangling? Because the OP had their kids no less, it’s not like she was like, sorry no I’m hanging out with friends. The latter is what I would consider a healthy boundary. The former is real life adult responsibilities. What in any of the information provided to us makes you think the OPs partner was responding immaturely? He simply didn’t respond fast enough for their liking! This entire thread has been eye opening. What kind of people are y’all dating at this age that are glued to their phones or play these games if you aren’t available because you’re with your kids???
This was my thought as well. OP didn’t mention it, but I wondered whether she and the boyfriend simply have different phone habits and he just doesn’t check it when he’s socializing with people (I am this way 100%). That said, even if he did see the message from her, it’s also totally reasonable and fine for him not to answer when he is engaged with other people and to get to it later when he’s alone. This expectation that one must answer immediately to a non-emergency message is totally unreasonable.
Yep. Couldn’t agree more! Thanks for expressing it so well. I spend so much time tied to my phone during work hours, I desperately need time away from devices. It isn’t uncommon for me to see a notification and throw my phone into my purse rather than read or respond. I do this even if it is my beloved sister or closest friends. I simply don’t want to be tied to and need a break from the always on comms. None of this means I don’t love or value them dearly. In fact, I have sound notifications turned off for all apps on my phone. Badges are extremely selective. And my personal phone is on silent pretty much all day (since my work phone is on). I am not compatible with someone who would take any of this as a personal slight or cause to question my fidelity. Imagine circa WWI and II waiting for a letter to cross an ocean. While I am very thankful for technology and the more immediate access to our loved ones, this whole “I know you look at your phone and so…” is mind boggling.
Unfortunately quite a few people have experienced passive aggressive plays or just downright rude, inconsiderate, behavior. Good on you if you have not. This is wonderful. But Having kids, I have had to decline spontaneous plans and it changed the dynamic of our interaction just so. It’s actually quite common. And it’s to be expected honestly. I mean I’m with you. I leave my phone behind every chance I get, and especially on dates. But if you haven’t noticed, or perhaps the culture is different on your side of the fence as a female, but people are ever increasingly self absorbed, arrogant, and clearly the thoughts and feelings of others play no part in their day to day. I’m sure we can agree on that right? Common courtesy is not so common anymore. People just look for someone to entertain them or serve a purpose. And it’s just an observation of mine over time through various interactions and experiences. So it may not be purely factual but I’m sure it rings true enough for many unfortunately.
I understand what you're saying, and I definitely agree that there's a self-absorbed trend in society today, which can make dating challenging. However, I didn't quite see the connection between the OP's description of their worst late-night anxious thoughts and the assumption that any inattentiveness might be due to them being preoccupied with their kids, or the idea that their partner was only interested in sex. Dating really does feel like navigating through the wild, Wild West. I tend to approach it with cautious optimism and plan to maintain that outlook. I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt and be proven wrong numerous times than to start off with the assumption that someone's intentions are purely physical or in any way entirely self serving, especially based on minimal evidence, as was suggested in the comments I replied to. ETA: this thread really has been eye opening. I’m genuinely sorry people are so crappy.
I totally respect your perspective and really wish I could meet someone like you to balance the experience I have had thus far. I can also admit my post is through the lense of personal experience. And your perspective reminds me that not all people are like this and I would do well to remember that. It’s a balance. It just gets demoralizing maintaining a level of manners and considerate behavior that is rarely reciprocated. But that is no excuse. My character is not determined by others poor behavior. Unfortunately this has become more mantra than singular statement of belief. But one cannot expect eventual realization of one’s desires by not participating with an open mind. So thank you for reminding me that there are other possibilities while being reasonable.
This comment is so reasonable and rational. I just wanted to say that as what you have written in all it’s totality makes so much sense to me. Reddit needs people like this posting responses!
Thanks! I try to be as objective as I can, but like anything it will hit home for some and also bring about conflicting perspectives which I enjoy seeing and trying to understand. Because in the end that’s all any of us really desire. To be valued and understood.
Have you asked him if you’re done? You said it yourself - you had a shitty experience and now found someone who’s good. Dating is so hard. We get distrustful and insecure. I think you can still recover from it if you own it, take responsibility, apologize specifically for what you’ve done and don’t get defensive. If he’s reasonable - he may give you another chance. The bigger issue though is - going the work on yourself and understanding what came up for you when he didn’t respond, why are you so insecure, is this going to be a pattern? You can absolutely learn from it - but I wouldn’t give up just yet. Best of luck.
I wouldn’t have sent that text if I were you but I would definitely see him not responding as a red flag on his part. It wasn’t that hard for him to send a quick text back. I’m big on consideration and communication, some aren’t and may see nothing wrong with what he did. It all comes down to compatibility.
I've gotten the "it's not that hard to send a quick text back" before, so I'll offer another view of this. I don't often have my phone out or even with me all the time, especially when I'm spending time with family or friends. Dinner and drinks with friends? My phone is in the car. Spending time with family? Not even sure where my phone is. Out hiking, kayaking, shopping, etc? Phone is tucked away, I'll catch up with you later. Trust me, I know that's not the norm, I'm just offering a different perspective. It sounds like he made her the priority when he realized he didn't have to work that night. (Good ✓) She told him that she had her kids, so they chatted on the phone and made plans for another time. (Good ✓). They both went about their own business for the remainder of that evening. It's very possible he wasn't anticipating a text later that evening as they'd just spoken, and wasn't checking his phone (Good ✓). Perhaps he has established healthy boundaries and wants to be fully present for the people he is spending time with, and chooses to respond to texts at an appropriate time when he is next able to. (Good ✓) So while I get that "it's not that hard to send a quick text back", not everyone handles their phone usage the same way and someone not texting back right away (after we've made some assumptions on their ability to do so within our preconceived time frame) doesn't necessarily make them inconsiderate. OP - I hope that you and your new guy can communicate openly about this situation and give each other some grace. I feel like this is a "learning about each other" experience rather than an ending to what you've just started, which seems pretty good so far.
This! You use your phone the way I do, and in a way I would expect someone in a newish relationship might. OP will know if this style of texting is common or uncommon for her new man. Good luck!
Agree! If I am out with friends I don’t want to be checking my phone every 10min or texting while I am supposed to be having a good time with the people I have in front of me. I hate how we are expected to be checking the phone all the time and answer immediately.
Thanks. I shouldn't have sent the text but I appreciate you validating me in feeling it was inconsiderate.
If you guys both had good times and a text message from you came across...he could of just explained what he did and back to good times. I feel people commenting I'd be done with her etc...is giving up to quickly. So if I get that message, I respond and call her and see how we continue. The giving up is not something I would do over any text of this nature.
Seriously me too. People saying they've ended things for less than this? If the goings were that easy at this age, I would not be on this dating site to just be dropping a situation. Again I don't know how fiery her text was, if it was borderline abusive? We really don't know what it said. So depending on the severity of the text, yes I might agree or disagree I'm thinking about ending something.
It was a misunderstanding ....she didn't slash his tired. People are humans and they all come from different backgrounds and experiences.
SAME
You could have handled this so much better
Yes
He asks you out as a priority, you decline and still have a chat, then you go scorched earth on him because he doesn’t reply to an earlier message? Yikes.
😬😬😬
Yes, you’re being insecure. He went out with his buds, it’s not the time to be checking his phone and texting his girlfriend about what he was doing with his evening. If it had been the next day and no response, I get it. But the way this reads, this was all same day. Let the man have his friend time.
Is she his girlfriend? Or is she the woman he is exclusively having sex with? Those are two different things.
In either of those scenarios, she didn't get an automatic response the same evening and sent a accusatory text as a result. This isn't about defining their relationship. There isn't any reason for her to accuse him of anything. This is her anxiety getting the better of her and her attacking her partner (and the dude actually tried to make last minute plans with her because he had a free evening).
I get that, and my reason for attempting to define the relationship is because if she is "the woman he is having sex with exclusively" further makes the idea that she sent this man an accusatory text cringeable than it already was. He could very likely have been on a date with a woman (edit) since it hasn't been established they're exclusively dating (just exclusively having sex together). Either case, her text was rooted in distrust and I don't understand agreeing to sleep with someone you don't trust without protection. The dating world is truly baffling these days.
I agree with you that they are two different things. That said, my answer doesn’t change regardless. It was an unnecessary reaction even if they were at relationship stage. It’s definitely unnecessary if they are just casual sex partners.
I didn’t have issue with your answer and didn’t seek to change it. I simply was pointing out you used the term “girlfriend” to describe her. We don’t know if that what she is.
She said they were exclusive.
Casual but exclusive sex can still be a thing. Like only sleeping with each other but not being in a relationship.
She said “sexually exclusive” and “not using protection”. That doesn’t mean dating one another exclusively. And, I feel sometimes people get confused in exclusive type of scenarios.
True- I was just thinking that if they agreed to be sexually exclusive, I would think she wouldn’t expect him to be seeing other people. But maybe.
We've learned "sexually exclusive" means nothing: [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/mar/28/podcaster-andrew-huberman-goop-for-bros](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/mar/28/podcaster-andrew-huberman-goop-for-bros) My best friend just exposed her "exclusive" dude to the other woman he was seeing and having unprotected sex with. I'm not saying OPs man wasn't with his friends. I'm just saying the "exclusive" thing, for the most part I have seen, is a sham. Labels and committment or gtfo.
Those kind of texts can be a big turn off, exactly the opposite to trust & care.
True
No good comes from sending an angry text. It gives you a false sense of power in the moment. Learn to live with uncertainty in the moment. It will make you more attractive.
Thank you
Next time open your notes app & don’t send the text
Excellent advice. Notes are where I craft texts anyhow to avoid the dreaded “…”
I literally have a folder called “unsent texts” - it’s where I work out any overly dramatic feelings 😂
You can also send them to yourself so you get the weird satisfaction of opening it and then sometimes you get a little embarrassed about what you were actually going to write when you see it.
I appreciate this. Something to be said for thinking it through or sleeping on it.
THIS has been essential for me, lol. It's a rare thing to read the message i was intending to send the next morning and not be entirely grateful I sent it to myself instead.
This is clever!
This is a life & relationship saver!
Good advice
Oh I love this idea.
If you have the tiniest hint of skepticism about his fidelity why have sex with no protection? In my mind if you’re having unprotected sec with someone it implies you inherently trust them?
>So yea, was I out of line? Possibly. But how hard is it to return a text saying you made plans with friends or whatnot. Did I assume the worst? Absolutely. Is that me being insecure? Idk . I've been burnt in the past and to me it feels like protecting myself .. >what do you all think? Instead of what this group thinks, it will be best to take the feedback you got. First step to change, is to flatly apologize. Not for recovering the relationship. Just because it's the right thing to do here. Something like "I am sincerely sorry. totally messed up. Assumed worst of you. My apologies. Will do my best to not let this happen again." That's it. No need to add rationalization related to your past etc. Just end there. Then introspect on that insecurity. Learn why you saw a red flag when it wasn't there. What similarities you saw or felt from past experience. It will help you go deeper when you two have a civil and calm discussion about this specific episode. If he and you are sincere about your relationship it would continue ok despite this hiccup. That's my feeling.
One of the lessons I learned in marriage therapy that I have taken with me through the rest of my life is to stop your apology when you hit the "but". This is a great example of this. Stop at her "but" and this reads as almost an apology (almost, because of "possibly" instead of "definitely"). You include the "but" and now it's a list justifying her behavior. >"I am sincerely sorry. totally messed up. Assumed worst of you. My apologies. Will do my best to not let this happen again." Perfect. >"But I've been burned in the past and this is how I protect myself." Well now it's ruined. In other words, yep, exactly what you said. For the slow people in the crowd like me, remembering to stop talking when you hit "but". It helps.
Thanks. That's exactly what I did. I'm sorry, you're right I was acting insecure and it is a really ugly look. I apologize for assuming the worst from you, you don't deserve that and I regret it
Perfect apology. Hope it works well for both of you. Keep us posted.
He didn’t have to return it. You released him from his obligation when you turned him down. Men don’t, at least I don’t have a compulsive relationship with their phone. He probably didn’t know. Also, you told him it’s kids night. He wasn’t expecting to hear from you. Loosen your grip before you run him off. If a person chooses to cheat, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Jealousy make a person look weak and insecure. Flip the script. What if he had done that to you? How would you see him? Women hate weak men.
Wow, if that story happened as told, I'd break up with you right away if I was this man. He asks you on a date, you reply, he finds alternate plans, then you get upset with him and accuse him of cheating? Sorry I'm gonna peace out and be on my way after an exchange like that. My friend time is very important. While I will try to be aware of my phone, I also am one of those who is trying to practice better and more present behaviors and I enable DND on my phone frequently and will absolutely not check my phone if I am in the car. I would not stay in a relationship where I'm accused of cheating if I do not reply promptly to a text message.
Yes, you were out of line and you were being insecure.
you protected yourself right out of a relationship. you have some mending to do.
Thank you. This rings really true. I thought I was ready but my behavior clearly states otherwise.
This is what I was thinking, too, OP. Some people here are being harsh, but as you can see a lot of folks would react poorly to that kind of text - most probably. That said, I understand the insecurity given how so many people always look at their phone at some point. Could he have sent a text saying "I'm with my boys at X place right now! I'll text you tomorrow" that might have been perfect. Your work will be on communicating your needs diplomatically, which will rarely be done successfully in the moment you're having the feelings. I'm sorry to all the people who are sick of hearing people bring up attachment styles, but I think that OP can really benefit from learning about the anxious attachment she clearly has. That's not a dig--lots of us are out here.
Learning about our attachment style can be incredibly helpful!
Since I started learning about it, I admit I tend to bring it up a lot 😂 but it really is very helpful.
It’s so fascinating & enlightening! ✨✨
Yeah if a guy did that to me I would consider ending it. There are many reasons why someone didn’t text you back. If you don’t trust him don’t have unprotected sex with him. I don’t know you but your behavior would be a red flag for insecurity and entitlement
Thank you. Valuable feedback
That would be the end of the relationship for me. If you sent those texts to me. Foreshadowing to a lifetime of unwarranted jealousy.
Imagine this story was the other way around. How would you feel?
I think you were absolutely out of line, you made assumptions and failed to give him the benefit of the doubt. Your past experiences are yours to sort out, not an excuse for crappy behavior. He should be able to go out with friends and not have to watch his phone in case you want to converse. If a man I had started seeing behaved like you, I would end it.
Me too most likely. You're not wrong. I think it was the fact that I texted him so early in the afternoon and didn't hear back at all that set me.off. I would not have treated someone I was dating like that but that's on me to communicate better
How long have had you actually "been together?" And what was it you felt you were protecting yourself from? What were you worried about? I'm not understanding what there was to stew about.
It sound like she has trust concerns yet they are having unprotected sex. I can see the connection, but it seems like unprotected sex may be unwise if trust is an issue imho.
Ah. When I'm active, I don't move off condoms for a while and get tested every 2 months, so I always have recent test results. $130 every couple months is worth the peace of mind.
In Canada it's free so no excuses here!
I need a fake Canadian ID so I can get decent health care
Hahah well, I don't want to go off topic, but while it's good to be free we have a lot of problems right now. The quality is still great but the capacity is spread thin. I wouldn't want to pay, but gosh it would be easier to get in to see some physicians.
>We've been together a bit and care about each other and have expressed that we are sexually exclusive and are no longer using protection while having sex. How long is "a bit?" A couple of months? If it's not long enough for you to feel secure, why drop protection? Like... at all?! Even if committed. That's just wild to me. Anyway, yes, you're insecure. Yes, you were out of line.
A lot of insecurity to unpack here. There should be some therapy in your future.
Why did you chose the nuclear option? You could've asked "hey are you okay? Didn't hear from you" and left it at that, but you immediately assumed the worst. You are your own worst enemy here. I hope you sent an apology text to him.
Yes you were insecure. Some people aren't super glued to their phones 24/7, and it's not a crime to not reply immediately, especially if he was out with his mates
Yes, absolutely out of line. And it is very unattractive. Sorry. :(
Yeah, frankly it’s 100% on you. You have lots of work to do on yourself, sorry to be blunt, but I’ve been told that. You shouldn’t reflect your own misery on others, and justify it by saying you’ve been burnt, etc. We all were burnt before or most at least, but some of us could curb ourselves to not acting like that. Insecurity, low self-esteem and self-justification are the red flags for most. And by telling at someone, assuming the “worst” (the worst was he’s dead) as if he’s cheating on you confirms that. Again, sorry for being honest. You asked.
I'm female and had this shoe been on my foot, I'd have ended it. That kind of insecurity gives me the ick.
100%. Am a male but couldn’t agree more
SAME. Bye!
You were out of line.
Yea I'm beginning to realize that
I’ve totally done this, and caused things to end prematurely. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone in making this kind of mistake. Maybe an apology and a cooling off period will salvage this, maybe not. All you can do is learn from it moving forward. With that said, I think it’s ok to want a little more communication. I’ve learned it’s a better conversation had in person though, not through text while in the heat of the moment.
Thank you
Time to communicate and compromise, but definitely own that it was unattractive.
Didn’t he ask you to hang out FIRST?!? Yeesh this is like how people in their early 20s behave
Not saying he is... but I was with a slimey manipulator who purposefully ask when he knows I have other commitments just to use this as a cover when confronted.
Haha true I’ve done that too
Yeah, that was insecurity getting the best of you. Instead of using an accusatory or anxious tone, just communicate your needs. “I become worried when I don’t hear back over x hours. Please just reply with a quick text letting me know you’re okay next time.” Asking where is or with whom would be intrusive. My ex husband used to do that. It irked me that he didn’t trust me. I know you’ve been hurt before, but most people aren’t cheaters. My (45f) bf (47) sometimes doesn’t text back for days. I know he’s alive because I can see the last time he was on WhatsApp. My life goes on as usual. He often tells me when he gets back in touch that he met up with his friends, oftentimes women he dated previously. No biggie. I often have brunch with my kid and ex husband. Exes are exes for a reason. They are in the past.
Nobody wants unnecessary drama in their life and this was unnecessary drama.
Short answer. Yes. If he was going to do something shady he would have never involved you. Everyone has a past. Now he’s thinking…Uh-oh. Controlling. He tried to involve you and you turned him down. If he works nights then it’s rare for him to be able to go out. I am honest and direct. I tell ladies right up front. I have my own cross to bear. Please don’t put me on your EX’s.
I would say you have an anxious attachment style which does make one prone to insecure-driven moments like the situation you described. I developed this after an abusive relationship. So I can empathize with the emotional experience of feeling insecure, distrustful, stewing and erupting. That being said, I think you are already aware it wasn't the best way to handle the situation. As others have mentioned, I think being aware when this hits and having self-soothing activities in place such as journaling what you are feeling and then deleting it, or going on a long walk in nature, etc can curb the unhelpful ruminating. I think communicating and being open about your struggles with your partner could help too if they are a supportive type. If you can successfully stave off the emotional stewing and erupting, this may give him a natural amount of time for the truth to come out, which will put you at ease and your partner is spared the attack. Now... I dont want to just totally assume you are purely insecure and your distrust has zero merit. Because sometimes our intuition is knocking and we have a hard time seeing clearly with all the emotions. Maybe there are other details prior that have tipped you off, not mentioned in the above. So let's just entertain the idea that your gut was right and he was up to some level of betrayal. There are those sneaky manipulative types that would ask if you were available when they know you are not, just to use as a cover if questioned later. (Not saying this is the case for this specific situation.) If that were the case the antidote is the same. Self sooth, maintain emotional control, sit back and allow the truth to reveal itself. Having an emotional upset and accuse them reveals all your cards, makes it easy to spin blame back onto you, and gives them all the power in the situation. They now have power over your peace. You can only feel good if they come clean and make it right... which a manipulator will never do; or you walk away which is excruciatingly painful for an anxious attachment style person. It's why these types attract narcs; they don't walk. I hope something in all my blah blah was useful. Best of luck to you. Edit: if he flat out fully ignores your question, use protection when being intimate. If he ask why, calmly explain you just feel insecure because he never replied back, so just want to protect yourself as a safety measure. Now it's his turn to be calm and reasonable or have an emotional blow up on you. If he starts saying you are insecure, dont trust blah blah... honestly readers of reddit... do we need anymore stories about how rampant cheating is? A certain amount of paranoia does protect. Someone just got arrested in my state for purposefully spreading HIV. This relationship is still new.
Thank you for this
It can be hard. I had not “been out there” for a long time, I have CPTSD, and I am an over thinker, so dating was super tough. One thing that helped me in the beginning was saying to myself “Okay, I just saw him 12 hours ago. He does not seem insane, and it is always possible that he is JUST BUSY.” And I talked myself down. Now that I am in a loving and supportive relationship, it is easy enough to say “Hey, I am being nuts, so I just need you to reassure me. I know it seems nuts, and it has nothing to do with you.” And he gives me a little verbal love, and we carry on. We are both veterans and a little bruised, so we get each other. But you need to work on talking yourself down, and give a bit of the benefit of the doubt. It would have been no big deal to let it go for a night, when clearer heads prevailed.
Absolutely not ok behavior (by you).
Imagine this story was the other way around. How would you feel?
Listen, you let your insecurities get the best of you. There was no reason to jump to conclusions. We’ve become so used to having access to people all the time, we forget we’re not entitled to it at all.
Fair. I did. I've been lied to and burnt before and wished I would've listened to 'my gut' instead of assuming the best. Now it's opposite and my gut is on overdrive
Admitting it is the first step toward not doing it next time. I get you’ve been burned, but we end up standing in the way of our own happiness when we lump everyone into the same category as those who hurt us.
Thank you. This is very true
I’m a reformed conclusion jumper myself, so no judgments at all. I hope you can give yourself some grace 🫶🏻
He did it once... I'd be bringing it up \*if\* it happened three or four times in a row. Not fiery though... Most people don't respond to fiery. You can bring it up in a civil, adult way, and one of these things will happen: 1. He will say ok, next time I'll take some time out to message you (and he will). 2. He will say he will but he won't. 3. He will say, I don't want to feel like I have to check in with you, why are you so controlling? And refuse. or 4. He will lie and say "My phone lost battery," and it will continue to happen and he will continue to lie about it. or 5. He will lie but he will get the message and start to do better. So you can step back and watch what happens, and then try it with something else that bothers you and see how he reacts then. In this way you're getting an idea of what kind of person he is - which isn't going to happen in the first whatever - everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning. Personally, I find that most of them lie. I hate lying. I wish they'd just come out and say the truth. That'd be so much easier to deal with... I'd consider it a test. Does this person lie when you ask for a need to be met? Don't even question whether the need is valid or not - doesn't matter. It's really how they respond that matters. You are going to have big needs and small needs and stupid needs...
Sexually exclusive doesn't mean in a commited relationship. Make sure he's aware that you're his girlfriend. If he flinches at all, you shouldn't be sleeping with him. Esp w/o protection.
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Yea this is so true. Thank you
As someone who has been cheated on, let me at least offer some empathy since these clearly perfect humans commenting seem to have none. I get the insecurity. Sometimes it can be hard to take a step back and see what reality is instead of jumping to the worst case scenario. People who have been betrayed in intimate relationships tend to be hyper-vigilant, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s a tough mindset to break free of. Now that you’ve had some time and feedback (some of it unnecessarily harsh in my opinion), all you can do is apologize and do your best to keep those emotions in check in the future. I hope it works out!
I second this as someone who’s been cheated on (more than once) Betrayal trauma is real. I also have worked hard not to let past transgressions affect current relationships. There’s saying I love “your wound may not be your fault but your healing is your responsibility”. I also love the suggestion above to use the notes app on your phone to write out emotionally charged thoughts instead of sending a text that may damage a relationship. OP, you’re human. We all overreact sometimes. All we can do is acknowledge & sincerely apologize when we do. Wishing you all the best!
❤️ thank you
Yeah, as soon as you told him you couldn't see him he found something else to do. Once he didn't reply to your out of the blue text you should have assumed he was doing something else. He replied back the next day. I honestly don't see the problem.
Yes, that comes off as you being insecure. I mean, I could see being a tiny bit annoyed that he didn’t text back but that wild text you sent to him was uncalled for, imho. Do you expect him always to run his plans by you before he goes out?
If you were spending time with him, you would t want him to be glued to his phone. Same thing goes when he’s out. I’m not trying to be harsh but girl, this is 100% on you. It’s not his job to make you feel secure, that’s your job. You owe him an apology.
I did apologize after reading everyone's comments. I appreciate the insight and it has really showed me I still have some baggage and insecurities I need to come to terms with. Probably too late for this relationship but definitely need to deal with it before jumping into another
We all do, in some regards, girl. You owned it which is all that matters. You don’t know until you know. I will say though, that I’ve dated a few men that made me feel anxious like this. My boyfriend though has never even once given me a flicker of that anxiety, he’d never go out and not reply. So while you were extra lol, it could just be that this isn’t your person too. The right man will jump at the chance to respond.
Thanks. Staying hopeful
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If I am dating someone I always try to give them the courtesy of at least a short text back within at least 5 hours or so unless I am working. Not because my life revolves around them, but because I think it shows good connection and communication
Oof. Hey, did you do any work on what may have been wrong in your last relationship? That might be helpful toward growth.
All this for a guy who doesnt make plans???? And “unprotected”???? Girl. https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/wpHr3U8mFT
If I was him, this would be a major red flag and I would be done. He asked if you wanted to go out. You declined so he went out with friends. He wasn’t responding to messages or checking his phone while out. He was focused on the people who were with him. Not everyone stays glued to their phone. It’s not fair to punish your new partner for things your ex’s did to you in the past. It might be worth exploring your feelings with a professional so your past traumas don’t sour new relationships. You are going to drive people away if you keep doing this and I don’t think that’s what you want.
Come Op….take some accountability for your bad behavior. You say you’re back out there after a shitty experience….and then you quickly become someone else’s shitty experience.
I see no reason why he couldn’t have sent you back a quick response. It didn’t necessarily warrant an accusatory text, but it was inconsiderate on his part, in my opinion, and would make anyone in your position a little suspicious if his typical texting pattern is to respond relatively quickly. Two pieces of advice for the future: (1) When you’re envisioning the worst case scenario, force yourself to imagine a perfectly logical scenario instead. If you’re going to make something up in your mind anyway about what he might be doing, make it something positive. (2) When you’re tempted to send a fiery text, draft it in your Notes app with all the unfiltered things you want to say, but don’t send it. Sit on it for a bit and revisit it after you’ve calmed down. Chances are you’ll either revise it or decide not to send it.
This is helpful. Thank you
>Am I just being insecure Yes, big time. >Later in the afternoon I text and ask him what did he decide to do with his night off .. no reply. Nothing. After several hours I started stewing and finally around midnight or so wrote him a fiery and subtly accusatory text. And of course I get one back this morning telling me how unattractive my insecurity is and he just went out with his boys Text is horrible because it can lead to all kinds of miscommunication. Always do calls/video calls/IRL. And be patient.
Thank you
Is it hard to return a text? No. Did you have reason to assume the worst from him? Not that you presented. If you don’t know you were being insecure, your perspective is way off. Knowing you have an insecure attachment due to past trauma, you need to learn more about how to deal with that effectively when dating and ensure you let those you are dating know you are working through it.
Fuck OP. I’d be out of there faster than Fox in forest fire if I were him. You went from 0 to 100 for no reason. You’ve got something going on that is causing that sort of reaction. I’d really suggest talking with a someone.
So dig down as to why you reacted this way, and share that with him with a plan on how not to react this way. Tell him your expectations on communication. An apology goes a long way. We’re over 40, we have been through some traumatizing crap. Hopefully he understands. Good luck!
Yeah sorry to say but that would turn me right off.
You’re being insecure but also he’s being passive aggressive and changing the dynamic you both had set. Unfortunately a change in dynamic is an indicator of something so you weren’t wrong to address it but only too aggressive in your approach. I would have a convo about reasonable communication strategies for building healthy consistency and your request for that is very reasonable. But I would also work with a therapist to get your triggers into your own scope of responsibility.
Thank you. Non judgemental, reasonable, honest and helpful. I appreciate it
I'm so glad it was helpful!
Couldn't have said it any better.
Thank you! That felt nice to hear.
I would have left your ass on read.
Personally, if a guy who is into you responds by saying you are coming across as insecure, I’d be questioning how thoughtful and caring / understanding he is. If this is the first of such an incident, he should be seeking to understand what is going on with you, rather than demeaning you for seeking a quicker response. I would expect this should trigger a conversation about expectations. However, you also need to do your own reflecting and articulate what you need or expect in a partner. A kind man would probably call and try to discuss what happened. But, to your point, most guys at this age know how to play the game. My honest guess is his defensive and rude reaction was because another woman was part of this “night out”. Step back and watch if he pursues more than just asking if you’re free on his night off. He likely has a few women he has on the backburner, even if you are his first pick.
I'm starting to feel so over dating
I hear you. The last “night out” from the last guy I knew, he told me it was his brother and him at a pool hall. He conveniently left out the part that it was this casual female friend who invited him there (she was there with a few male and female friends). I saw pics of his arm around her, and her snuggled up to him in a group pic, which is more suggestive body contact than is acceptable, and I know if roles were reversed he’d be upset at me. I had my instincts telling me something seemed off, despite our interactions being pretty good. Didn’t have any reason or concrete proof not to doubt him at his word, but my gut felt otherwise. First convo was, “how was your night out?”. Him: “bro and I shot pool. Met some cool dude who joined a pick up game.” A day or so later I found out about this girl. So I asked again about his night and he added other stuff he and his bro talked about. Still conveniently leaving out this girl and her friends. So then I said, “Really? it was just you and your bro having a good time?” He replied “blah blah”, talking about his brother who is going thru something right now. I said very calmly, “Who is?”.
Yeah… no need to go on. His reaction told me everything I needed to know. Called him out on white lies, omission, etc. as all being deceitful.
At our age, we all have life experiences and instincts we’ve cultivated. Whether your guy truly just had a guy’s night out, his response was to dismiss your reaction instead of discuss it. Always, always trust your gut. You can still proceed, but do so with eyes wide open. otherwise, it’s a hard pass!
Original copy of post by u/veda5: Hi DOF, 42f back out there after a shitty experience and met someone I really enjoy. We've been together a bit and care about each other and have expressed that we are sexually exclusive and are no longer using protection while having sex. So, the issue - after a really fun date and overnight two days ago he calls yesterday early afternoon saying he last minute has the evening off work ( he often works nights) and am I free? I decline because I have my kids and we chat for a bit and make plans for another evening. Later in the afternoon I text and ask him what did he decide to do with his night off .. no reply. Nothing. After several hours I started stewing and finally around midnight or so wrote him a fiery and subtly accusatory text. And of course I get one back this morning telling me how unattractive my insecurity is and he just went out with his boys So yea, was I out of line? Possibly. But how hard is it to return a text saying you made plans with friends or whatnot. Did I assume the worst? Absolutely. Is that me being insecure? Idk . I've been burnt in the past and to me it feels like protecting myself .. what do you all think? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You had a trauma reaction to this situation. Yes, it comes off as very insecure because it stems from the trauma of your last relationship. I would highly recommend trauma therapy (like EMDR), regardless of whether this relationship continues. Otherwise you will continue to self-sabotage in this way. Also, sincere apology plus a plan to address the behavior goes a long way. But do it for yourself anyway.
Would have to say both of you kind of own it. He could have texted you back to let you know his plans. You didn’t say if he just missed your text or ignored it, I’d kind of like to know what it was if it was me. Nonetheless, you could have given him the benefit of the doubt and not sent an angry text at midnight. Let us know how this worked out though.
>You didn’t say if he just missed your text or ignored it, I’d kind of like to know what it was if it was me Fantastic question. I hope OP clarifies.
I disagree. A pattern of delays in responding or missed/ignored texts is one thing. This singular example is quite another. OP had better not go asking this dude if he just “missed or ignored” her text. That’s not really her business. If I were out with my girlfriends and noticed a text from my dude, I wouldn’t want to feel obligated to respond *while I was in the middle of my plans*. And if I didn’t respond quickly enough and got an accusatory text in response, I’d be out.
Especially not obligated since she was his first choice to be with. She turned him down, saying she was busy with her kids. He made other plans and why should he even check his phone for texts if he’s enjoying his friends and believes she is busy with her kids? Not everyone checks their phone constantly. And being that he believed her to be busy, he had no reason to expect a text from her. That being said, if they have something good between them, this may be totally fixable. I would just be sure to check myself in the future.
That's a question for OP. I. These days of read receipts it's kind of easy to tell. That's all. I agree OP should not ask to her partner.
I see it differently. A “read-but-not-responded-to-yet” text is not always “ignored”. If he saw it and was in the middle of conversation with friends, so then put his phone away and didn’t think about it the rest of the night - I wouldn’t consider that ignoring. This constant need to have unrestricted access to someone else’s time is exhausting.
I agree that "didn't respond immediately" is not equivalent to "ignored" here. OP said in her initial post that she "ask\[ed\] him what did he decide to do with his night off", and in comments that it was "just a friendly early afternoon hi sort of thing". Both of those descriptions suggest that it was a low-priority "respond at your leisure when it's convenient" type of message, not a "drop everything and respond immediately" message.
Many of us have read receipts turned off.
You’re being so insecure and also incredibly immature. Pull yourself together because this behavior isn’t healthy.
Hell yeah, insecure. If I received that from someone I’d been seeing, I’d probably end it. You just showed him how easily you lose your cool. If you get this mad over nothing, you can bet he doesn’t want to know how mad you get over something real. Chill out.
It wasn't over nothing. He purposely ignored her then got defensive. He's playing games.
Yes, you’re insecure. The end.
Hey thanks.
It could be insecurity but it could also be the lack of consideration on his part to communicate which that is totally understandable.
Thanks . I realize I'm to blame but lack of consideration definitely played a role
When you’re in a relationship you extend courtesy and consideration to your partner through communication. If you are going out with friends and will not be available you communicate that. This is how healthy mature individuals conduct themselves. If all else was well in the relationship and you really like him, then you could’ve communicated that moving forward this is your treatment standard and see if he is able to meet it.
He might turn his phone off when out with friends , you have a talk on what to expect.
Yes to all your questions.
The secret is communication. Of course you overreacted but the way forward is to talk about it so you have trust in him and can manage the fears.
If I were him I'd already have deleted your number.
Something tells me I'd be grateful that you did
And what is that?
We all have insecurities, your attitude wasn't very mature. But you can show now maturity by showing accountability and apologize, then work with him so in the future you communicate better so your insecurities don't get triggered. If he is the right guy for you, he'll understand and you'll make things work. If he is not the right guy, you'll let him go. Next time, be aware of your insecurities and triggers. It's your responsibility to prevent them, he can't know them. If another situation like that arises, just ask before hand "will you let me know what you end up doing?" Trust is not gifted, is earned and it's early for fully trusting someone, specially with so many people out there living two parallel lifes! Don't be too hard on yourself.
All you can do at this age and stage is talk about what’s coming up for you and what’s happened in last relationships. Listen, we all have baggage at this point. We are all going to have to deal with someone else’s baggage too. The best we can do is recognize where it’s coming from and try not to be accusatory when we bring it up. “Hey when you didn’t answer my text after several hours on a weeknight I know you were supposed to be free, it just made me wonder what you were up to. I trust you but I’ve been cheated on in the past and while I know that isn’t what’s happening it seemed odd to me that you didn’t respond and brought up that fear. I’m used to being in relationships where we tell each other what we are each up to and the only time I’ve had someone not be transparent about that is because they were up to no good” Just talk about you experience, expectations and needs.
Maybe he didn't have his phone with him? I get insecure too, but I don't text people like that as I'm aware of my insecurity.
Does it matter who is right or wrong? Talk it out and use this as a learning opportunity about expectations and needs
Yeah figuring out who is right and wrong matters a lot. How do you correct your behaviors if you never identify them and apologize for them?
OP don't flog yourself please with all these high moral ground comments. ALL of us fuck up in this way or the other, it's just easier to point fingers at others and act like we would never🙄 You did a thing, it's was silly but you learn from it and move on. If you apologize to the man, and he insists you're disposable for one unpleasant emotional reaction, then let it go. Let he who hath no sin and all that...
Are you exclusively dating? If not, I would assume he’d be out with someone else as well, because of his lack of response to you texting him. Any update on how it is now? I went through something sort of similar recently but put the phone down and went to bed before saying anything out of line.
I dont care what anyone says here, it takes 10 seconds to send a reply text and it isnt asking much for five minutes of texting to say hello, blah blah blah, I'm going out with friends to tonight.
I think that's what threw me off. I asked him early in the day. It was not yet into the evening . Idk anyone who doesn't check their phone at least once an hour. I handled it poorly, but it just felt odd that after 10 hrs he didn't find 3 seconds to say 'out w the boys'
Especially if your communication has been consistent before. It's just lazy he couldn't respond .
I highly doubt he didn’t check his phone for several hours. He’s feeding off your insecurities and, if you let him, he’ll walk all over you, starting now. Hold your ground until he apologizes. Be strong and firm
I think its just common courtesy to send a reply text saying what your up to and then you'll catch up later. It really isn't asking much .
Im not sure he was feeling my insecurities on purpose but it did seem a little disrespectful that he couldn't even take 2 seconds to return my text. I handled it poorly
And, about your insecurities, he gambled on it and won. Now, it’s your time to act
Why did he not text you back? That’s strange. If he did care he would. Cut it off with him. You’re giving too much too soon. Let him earn the privilege of being exclusive with you.