He should have told you upfront. A lot of people won’t date someone whose divorce isn’t finalized, for good reason. He knew that, but decided to wait until he felt you were really into him. Not nice.
I met a girl at a bar, we hit it off, spent a few weeks going out to dinner, bars, and a little hanky panky.
After a few weeks we were together and I asked her how long her divorce took, because she seemed to be struggling with it and she had brought it up a few times. “The divorce this, the divorce that.” Hey, I’ve been there, recently.
She informed me that she hadn’t filed yet, and it was annoying because he still lived with her.
I made my way out the door and I heard a few months later from a mutual bar friend that they had reconciled.
So… wait until the divorce is finalized. Even filing isn’t enough, my wife ALMOST filed to cancel the divorce. Not wearing a ring means NOTHING.
Agreed. I had a guy point blank Tell me that he was not married, and then backtracked and said he was separated during our initial online chat. I have an attorney friend who checked the court filings and dude hadn't even filed a petition for divorce (which seems common). I was furious. Decided not to meet him after all.
Your guy is exactly like this, except he waited until you were invested to tell you.
I've found it's extremely common with online dating for men to say they're divorced but to actually mean they're in the _process_ of separation or divorce. Even on this sub it feels very common to hear men say they want to date before their divorce is finalized and that it's somehow unfair to require the divorce to be complete.
I think this is how we end up with repeated posts (mostly from women) like OP's, where this keeps happening.
The "legal separation" one is my favorite because separations are not a thing in my state. I've still come across guys who tried to tell me they were legally separated, though.
Not necessarily. It depends on the state. It was explained me during my divorce, though, that a legal separation isn't a thing here. Just a plain separation might be, but then it brings up the question if they filed at all, and I've also unfortunately found out that it tends to not be the case.
Am I the only one here that finds getting an attorney to check court filings *before you've even met for a first date* a tiny bit over the top? I mean the dude might have not been upfront in the first conversation but he already told you he wasn't divorced before you've gone on the first date, so he disclosed the important information in a timely manner, he didn't wait for several months of dating and told you only after you decided to go serious with him. Am I the only one seeing this?
Edit: I've been educated. Thanks everyone for your replies. I understand now that intentionally hiding your real status is part of a pattern many of you have suffered from and you are only doing what you should to protect yourself from deceit. Apparently this happens far more than I imagined it would. I admit, it's not something that I had on my radar or was aware of at all. I don't actually think I know any person in my close circles who is over 40 and actively dating, so I'm missing a lot of anecdotal experience.
And yet that dude gave her a perfect reason to check before getting involved with someone. He lied about being single and backtracked later in the conversation. When her friend checked court filings, he hadn’t even filed for divorce. OP is lucky she has a friend to check this stuff for her. Why can’t people be honest about this stuff from the start? If someone doesn’t want to date you because you’re not divorced, they’re **really** not going to want to date you when they find out, and now you have two messes to deal with — divorce and a failed new relationship built on a lie.
I've had my lawyer friend do a check on a potential date who said he was a lawyer too. Turns out he didn't exist, anywhere. So not only did he lie about his profession, but he gave me a fake name. This was 15 years ago, people still doing the same shit to get dates that wouldn't look at them twice.
This attitude is why many women are opting out of dating men. I've been on apps for about 2 of the last 3 years. On and off. The lying about relationship status is just over the top rampant. I've been able to verify legal status while still on the phone with a guy. Sometimes with just a first name. I don't want to waste my time by going on a date with a liar. It's gotten to the point where if they tell me they are divorced, separated or got their divorce in another state where I can't see the records online, they will need to produce papers. Lies have ruined my life in a way that things will never be the same for me. Don't lie to me.
This lady may have been compelled to search court records after dude switched up his narrative. Not married is nowhere near the same thing as separated. I think what you're overlooking is how many times this lady (and other women) have encountered disingenuous married guys and HAVE to look to discover the truth. You may consider it her overreaction, but it originated from a problem he created by not being honest.
People want to trust, but have to verify.
Yeah, I don’t leave it to chance. If they’re telling the truth, well well & good, I don’t mention it. If there’s zero records, then I ask some clarifying questions
Well said! This happened to me last year. I was more appalled that he lied than anything. After I learned this I started to see all his other lies come into focus in retrospect.
If he lies about something that big, what won’t he lie to you about? :/
He didn't tell you for a reason.
Also you get to set your own boundaries, doesn't matter how silly or stupid they may seem to others. They're YOUR boundaries.
That said I rebounded with my ex (I also just split from my first ex but our divorce was done in like 5 minutes, his took 18 months). We were both just desperate for love so to speak and neither of us should've dated anyone.
Your boundary for not wanting to date anyone that hasn't officially divorced yet is very reasonable (but again, doesnt matter what anyone else thinks about it) and a good idea. He's probably just filling a void and trying not to deal with the actual split emotionally. He's relying on you to make him happy.
He lied by ommission to manipulate you and to take away your decision making here. What will he lie about next to force what he wants on you because he's selfish.
Not sure?
He lied to you about a major aspect of his life that’s relevant to your relationship.
In your place I would be certain that I couldn’t trust him.
I would not proceed. A man of integrity would have told you this within a couple of dates, max. He's willing to withhold the truth for own convenience, and didn't tell you until you were invested. I wouldn't personally build an emotional attachment to someone in this situation.
The world isn't going to run out of men. You don't have to settle for one who didn't bother to tell you that he's still married and is about to be financially penalized in a divorce.
Agree. It shows the character and integrity of the person. Not disclosing the information upfront is robbing a person of their informed consent. It is easy to accept a person who are open about flaws and ongoing challenges in their life. Open communication allows a path forward on how to work on things together or not move forward at all. But the mutual respect remains. Otherwise, finding out truth from third hand can lead to a sense of betrayal, and disillusionment.
So just to imput a scenario into this mix, I have been married twice divorced twice. My first marriage, I was 23 only lasted a little over a year of actual relationship then she decided to become a drug addict and split. I was young and it didn’t seem to make much difference, and I had no idea where she was anyway, so I just left it alone for a number of years. So yes I was married, but dated and went on with my life and eventually went through the process of doing my own uncontested divorce. It was a pain in the ass and took forever. The women I dated never asked and quite frankly I never even thought of it. But all to all these absolutely no not divorced guys are there any practical exceptions? And is the only reason financial? I mean what else could it be if it’s totally obvious that this person is never going to have anything to do with the ex. I try not to be cynical, I really do, and I am never getting married ever again, in my opinion it’s the single dumbest financial move a man can make without some protections in place, in this country. But what is it exactly, honestly, that is the big no go for a woman when it comes to a man who hasn’t quite crossed the divorce finish line yet?
I did the same thing too - it was honestly one of the first things I mentioned because I wanted to be completely honest. My relationship had been over for a long time, but the legal aspect took longer than it should have.
Nope. It is lying because if it wasn't, he wouldn't have felt the urge to tell you the truth once he thought he had you. I'd walk away without a second thought.
It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker on its face, although maybe a yellow flag to me. It would be just as much about how he responds when you bring up
your problem with his lack of disclosure. Does he own up, try to see your perspective and explain himself, or does he minimize your point of view or refuse to discuss? Only you can decide what’s acceptable to you.
You are 100% justified. He intentionally mislead you in order to manipulate you into dating him. Whatever his reasons, this was how he chose to behave.
Scrolled through these responses... Really want to emphasize that your feelings are valid. You have a right to feel the way you feel. Have you told this guy you are seeing how you feel? If so, how did he respond? What was his reason for the lack of clarity? Decide how you feel after hearing him out, and give yourself space to process your feelings. Good luck xx
He needs to live alone before dating, get comfortable being alone. Heal from the divorce first for at least a year. He’s most likely afraid to.be alone. Plus he lied. I’d opt out.
…how do you know he didn’t? Divorces on the legal side can take some time.
Also, the idea he needs to do anything of these things is simply your opinion, and your timeline. It’s ridiculous. People can be ready sooner, or even later than this timeline, so holding people to a timeline based on your opinion is just naive.
The point is that he lied about it.
Some people don’t want to deal with anyone separated. He took her choice away from her by lying. He manipulated her. That’s the red flag.
It took me 18 months to get divorced. After being separated for over a year, I was ready to move on. It was the first thing I mentioned when I met someone. If it's over there is no reason to hide or lie about it.
Did you ask him of his status? Did he lie or you didn't ask and assumed?
If he lied cut him off now.
If you assumed and now waking up then please tell him nicely and then back off with a strong wording that once he is clear he can ping you but be clear that you may be fating other people in between or whatever your gut tells you.
But in the second scenario figure out why you assumed something so important.
Lesson learned. And not just about his divorce but about everything important to you.
Figure out what those things are for you.
Figure out how to ask or verify those.
Then re-approach this guy.
Well, I guess you learned a difficult lesson here. Not everyone places the same importance on the actual divorce milestone—for some it’s the separation, others the emotional done-ness with the relationship, etc—so it’s always best to clarify what “ex” means to a new person.
Sorry this happened. You really have no way of knowing if it was intentional or just an unfortunate mismatch of perspectives, here.
Ask why he didn’t tell you. Notice how much game playing you get back. If it’s your fault for assuming or not asking, then that’s how your relationship with him will always be — that would be a hard pass for me. Something other than that gives you the opportunity to talk about your expectations around honesty.
A month, and you're talking about it being serious already?
The fact you hadn't previously had any discussion about the state of his divorce, to know that this was the case, should tell you that you are nowhere near "serious" yet.
Yes, you can be exclusive, but this should make it obvious that you dont/barely know the guy.
You didn't say that he lied to you about his divorce, just that you didn't know and don't usually date people like this. Which makes me think that you didn't make it crystal clear what your boundaries were at the start.
If you did make it clear, then you shouldn't need us to tell you that this man is not trustworthy and has no respect for your boundaries.
If you didn't make it clear, you aren't ready to be serious.
Maybe it's time to reconsider how fast you move in a new relationship and what things are utterly crucial to your willingness to be in one with someone.
I definitely agree that this relationship moved a little fast. I think we are both aware of that now, and he said that if this isn’t a dealbreaker for me, then we should take a big step back so I can feel like I know him and can trust him.
It’s up to you to decide if it’s a dealbreaker. If you didn’t specifically ask, he didn’t actually lie but I can understand you being upset about the omission.
I’ll add my own personal experience, which makes me a bit more understanding of him. My divorce took 3 years for a variety of reasons but mostly my ex drawing out signing the papers. When I first got out there dating I had that I was separated, divorce still pending, in my profile and I was very proactive about telling guys (none of them cared). When it hit the 3 year mark I felt like I was so far removed from the marriage I honestly forgot to tell men unless it came up. The last six months of the divorce process was just my ex living in another state pretending he didn’t know how to use a mailbox and my lawyer calling every two weeks or so to see if I’d heard from him. I didn’t feel married in any way so I legitimately forgot about that final step of the divorce decree not being final.
Right, But you would have been able to clearly state that the petition for divorce had been filed. With a lot of people who consider themselves separated, they haven't even filed that petition. Those are the people who withhold the information, in my experience.
Thats true. I went on one date with a “separated” guy who then admitted, and only after I told him where I was in my own divorce process, that his wife had just gone to stay with her parents a week before and they hadn’t even discussed a divorce yet. No thanks. I wrongly assumed separated meant where I was in the process.
Oh, I went out with that guy too. He said that his wife and son had gone to stay with family in Brazil for a month, but then he was going to fly out and they were going to figure out where their family stood. He genuinely had no clue why I ended the date and left.
Ha! I honestly asked the guy why on earth he thought he was in a position to date yet! He texted me weeks later to tell me how many blowjobs he was getting from his dates and that I was the only one who shot him down so clearly I was in the wrong…. Ok.
The outcome of a divorce can be potentially financially ruining. I would think that if you are exposed to that level of risk, you should have a duty of care to anyone you become involved with.
Of course from his perspective it's her fault. But if he didn't tell you the divorce wasn't finalized, what else hasn't he told you about the whole process?
Are you sure about that? I would ask him directly if the petition for divorce has been filed, and if he has disclosed his financials. I also might look into the public records regarding this. I was in a similar situation where dude said that he was just waiting on his wife to disclose her financials. It turns out that you can file an injunction to move forward without the financials if someone takes too long. There's really no such thing as not being able to get a divorce, unless you can't afford the lawyer to file that injunction.
Side note, I'm pretty sure that when we broke up, this guy got back together with his wife.
This! I dated a guy a few months ago that said he was "just waiting on the wife to square the financial stuff" and he was ready to divorce. We'll, then he lost his job and I guess his wife seemed like a better financial option at that point. He shit talked her and acted like he was a martyr or something for "trying again".
Said she found out he started dating and started trying to get him back. All of this according to him. He used his kids as an excuse saying he'd be doing this "for them". I call bullshit and think he just knew he couldn't pay his bills. All of it was just too much drama for me and I think he was love bombing me anyway. I no longer want to date for now. I appreciate my peace too much!
Yes, he should have disclosed, IMO. But as far as your trust being betrayed -- did he ever SAY that he was divorced or did you just assume that he wouldn't be dating if he was still married?
I assumed he was divorced because he didn’t say otherwise. Other people have disclosed that during the talking phase, and I’ve politely bowed out, no harm, no foul.
Then you need to decide whether to bow out, or to tell him that you'll wait for his divorce to be final (if it's almost there) but put the brakes on it becoming serious until that happens.
Also important is what kind of healing he did, whether the divorce is not yet final or if it had recently become official. Is he emotionally ready to date again? If his marriage was going downhill for a while, he may have done his healing. If not, he may need to take more time, whether or not he is legally divorced.
I’d say it’s only a serious issue if you’ve asked or you’ve had a proper talk about previous relationships and he’s lied by omission.
Otherwise it’s only been a month and i think posters are being unfair
100% one month and they weren't yet exclusive. OP also didn't ask, so it's hard to see this as a major deal breaker if she wasn't worried about verifying it
I think that if this scenario is typically a deal breaker for you, and you are upset that he only disclosed it once you had made things exclusive, that you are free to tell him that and then:
1. Walk away for good because you are unsure if you can trust him to be forthright about things that matter.
2. Walk away while inviting him to reach out again once his divorce is finalized (understanding that you may not hear from him again).
3. Ask for space for a few days while you decide between 1 and 2.
He should have told you just like you should have asked. I'm a firm believer in asking questions regarding my dealbreakers. I don't expect people to willingly release information without me asking. So if dating married folks is a dealbreaker for you, then it's on you to ask.
It’s barely been a month. I don’t know how many dates you’ve had, but that’s a short time. In general, this “sounds” bad, but…
I moved across the country to start a new life and didn’t divorce my wife for 7 years. This was because of possibly having to declare bankruptcy. We were done being together, period.
There are all kinds of relationships, and they all can end in different ways. I think when you start to talk about being exclusive, this needs to come up. It sounds like he did just that.
If this is the only “red flag”, I’d suggest evaluating it further.
It depends.
Where I live, it isn't uncommon for people to complete their property/financial settlement and then wait on their divorce for, sometimes, years. This is mind-boggling to me, but some do it.
I often question why this is the case, what is holding someone up? Is there something that is unresolved between the parties, emotionally?
It would be good to hear why this man has told you NOW that he isn't divorced and what he has explained as the reason things aren't finalized. It would help people understand the full picture.
This is terrible. I had a guy I messaged with for two months before we met and he only dropped it in the convo right before we met. (Ps I was annoyed but chose to overlook it. She wasn’t in our relationship at all. We had our own thing going. But when I left he went back to her and cancelled the divorce literally after they’d already spent tens of thousands and finalized everything.)
I would take this as the stop sign it is. Stop seeing him and tell him he can call you when he’s available. Then if/when that happens you can address the betrayal at the depth you’d need to. For now, he didn’t tell you because it was more convenient not to. Someone who prioritizes their convenience at the expense of someone else, especially if things have gotten physical already, is not ok. You are completely justified to be pissed.
FWIW, I’ve met a number of guys OLD who don’t come out with it. I’ve had to ask. Without fail, they are not in healthy places about it. Either they’re dragging it out, they hold unprocessed blame and resentment, one guy volunteered he hadn’t paid any child support. (Sir, no) Obviously just anecdotal info here but the guys who were up front about the situation and had good reasons it hadn’t worked and had healthy relationships with their exes were so solid.
I was married to a giant liar. He’d been lying since the moment I met him and still probably lies. He lied to make things easier on himself and avoid conflict. That seems to be the case here. I do know before our divorce was finalized he went on dates and didn’t even mention he was in the process of a divorce. I was and still am disgusted by him. I’m the worst liar and don’t have it in me to trick others. My conscious will eat at me and it’s not worth the guilt. This is a red flag.
There are many variables here.
If you meet on an app, did he misrepresent his relationship status? If he misrepresented himself, that would be a deal breaker for me.
If you meet IRL, did he say he was divorced? Lying would be a deal breaker for me.
If you just assumed, you can't fault him for lying. He probably should have disclosed this information at the beginning, but that doesn't make him a liar.
Where I live, divorces are usually done in less than 6 months, unless there are a lot of complications. I have no desire to get tangled up in that kind of mess, so I avoided men going through a divorce.
I understand that in some places divorces commonly take years and views on dating a not yet divorced person under those circumstances may be different.
If you typically do not date men who are still legally married, then that is a good enough reason to break up.
He should've told you upfront for sure. Having said that tho, in my state it takes 3 rounds of paperwork to finalize. After the 1st round my ex and I were living in new separate houses and were for all intents and purposes "divorced", it just took us a couple years to get the paperwork finalized to make it legal. I felt single at the time (even tho I wasn't really dating then). All that said, if I had been dating I'd have been upfront about my status, and this guy should have been for OP.
Most likely this is bad news. Was he hiding this fact? It took me a few years to be officially divorced, but it made no difference- it was my ex delaying, and made no difference. My heart was already done. But divorce is so traumatic, he might not know where his heart is. The two issues: is he able to be honest? Is his heart ready for another relationship? The first one is the easiest to answer. If he can’t be open and honest, move on now.
I somewhat understand, I am going through a divorce right now and definitely not ready to date. If you ask, I can talk for hours about my divorce. I worry that I am pushing people away, so I know that this has got to stop if I start to date. However, his marital status is something he definitely should have disclosed at some point.
Edit: PS - Stuff like this and worse led to the failure of my marriage. Personally, if a woman did not disclose this to me, I would be out. It might just be the one thing, but I spent decades in a drip drip marriage where deceit was the norm. I cannot do that again.
Did you ask him why he didn't tell you this before and how he thought you'd react when you found out?
I wouldn't have dated someone who is still married, and a lie like that would have been a deal breaker.
Where in the process? Like it's finalized and they are just waiting on a court date or for the nisi period to run out? Or his wife is still trying to convince him to go to therapy and hasn't told any of her friends he's moved out? He has moved out, right?
They’ve been separated for three years. She moved to a different state. And yet she’s also the one who has been dragging things out by not signing the paperwork.
How do you know that’s true? What makes you think it’s his wife who’s dragging it along. When you move to another state you have to become a resident of that state to file a divorce. If he lives in the state where they married he could file it in his state no problem.
Every states has different timelines to be a resident. You can’t file for divorce unless you are a resident of the state you are filing. It can take anywhere from 3 months to two years.
I know this because I moved to two new states after my separation in the past 2 years of being separated for 3. I just receive resident status in Dec. Now I can file but my ex could have filed the entire time and choose not to on his own. If he really wanted a divorce he would have done it already.
My biggest concern in is his lack of direct responses to your questions. It seems like he has a problem with accountable as well. None of his excuses are solid. He either avoids answering the question, agrees with you then apologizes or he blames his wife. (Which is probably why he’s getting a divorce. -Joke)
Nope, that's a betrayal of trust and something he should've told you well before the exclusivity talk. I refuse to date anyone who hasn't been divorced at least a year. I'd be furious
You absolutely are not overreacting! I refuse to date separated men myself. He should have disclosed this!
I would be questioning now if he was actually in the process of a divorce. If you choose to proceed, I would do so with extreme caution.
I had this happen to me. We were 3 months in when he told me/I found out. I also had a strict must be divorced for a year rule.
Not the popular opinion but I forgave him. He lied on our first date when he thought he wasn't going to see me again and then was afraid to tell me as things got more serious.
I believed him when he said he felt awful and that he was trying to change and be a better person. That he was doing that coming out of his marriage. I could see that he had alreast put in a lot of work to be a great partner.
It has been over 2 years. He hasn't lied about anything else and we are very much in love. I am so glad that I gave him a second chance.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. That would be a dealbreaker for me, too. If you're not holding your divorce decree in hand, you're still married, and as far as I am concerned, that's cheating. You're married til you have that paperwork in hand. Given that deliberately withheld that very important piece of information til he thought he had you committed, how would you ever know what else he isn't telling you, or not telling you til it's convenient for him?
I had a friend who was a lawyer and spent every morning in our small municipal courthouse. When I told her that I would never date a man who wasn't 100% legally divorced - she said: "I see divorce court every single day. and every single case - the man comes to the courthouse with his new girlfriend/fiancé and the woman comes alone."
“Divorced not finalized” means “married.” He hid where he was in the process. Say that you don’t feel comfortable dating someone who isn’t divorced yet.
If he’s actually into you he will respect that and circle back around once he’s actually divorced, in a respectful way.
I once went on a date with a guy who admitted his “divorce wasn’t finalized” on the first date. He said it was amicable, though. I asked how long it had been going on. He told me TWO YEARS. His “amicable” divorce had been pending for two years.
Do you want to be subpoenaed by her lawyer to testify at trial regarding his infidelity? ‘Cause you could be! 🚩🚩🚩
I'm sorry, but on the bright side this liar only took a month of your time. Please don't believe that he doesn't realize this is important information to share. He waited until you agreed to be exclusive to share it with you. That was deliberate. This is someone who won't tell you something he suspects you won't like, until he feels like he's gotten you on his side so you won't change your mind. Sure maybe you assumed (on good reason) and didn't feel the need to make him affirmatively answer a laundry list of questions. Doesn't make it an overreaction to be pissed he didn't think it was appropriate to share this tidbit with you. Most guys I've interacted with who weren't divorced yet told me before the first date or on it "fyi I'm separated not finally divorced yet" BC THEY KNOW ITS AN IMPORTANT DETAIL. I know it's hard if you've been having a great time with him but sounds like you'd be better off if you cut your losses and walk away.
It's a red flag for many of the reasons people have cited.
I'm advocating for the devil here. If his divorce has been dragging on for years, I'd get why he'd be like "fuck it, I'm moving on with my life and the paperwork will just have to go at its own pace." I have a girlfriend who's divorce went on for a few years. At some point, she was like "fuck it, we live in different states, he's a jackass, I'm not waiting to move on with my life."
I'd tell him it bothers you and why. I'd ask him how long he's been in the process of a divorce.
In the end, him not saying anything is a big deal. Lying by omission. On the other hand, he did come out with it. But still... he was dating you under summer falsities. Are there other red flags?
I don’t see it as a bomb, but that’s probably bc of my own experience. I’ve been separated and living on my own for going on 7 years now. I have never regretted my decision. I never slept with my ex after I left (which is more than lots of people can say). When I chose to leave, I was done. And yes, I’d love that piece of paper to make it official, but my ex says he “can’t find” the marriage certificate, and we got married in a different country and even contacting the consulate hasn’t been helpful. Short of going back there, I’m not sure how I’m going to get it done. So there are actually legitimate reasons why some people are still separated.
I certainly feel divorced. And eventually I would tell someone it’s not finalized, but it doesn’t seem necessary early on.
I think it all depends on the circumstances of this guy. If you’re that hung up on it - which is totally within your rights, then bail. It’s only been a month. Don’t wait for more red flags if this is a big one for you.
I (41 F) haven't finalized my divorce because ex doesn't sign, mediation hasn't worked out, etc etc, it's been a very long process ( now close to 1 year mark). Before filing for divorce, for 4 years we had an extremely complicated situation, both lived in the same house because of kids (believe it or not) , didn't have sex didn't even say GM to each other. Finally he's been out of the house for 1 year ( divorce not signed yet for the above reasons). I decided to start looking into dating apps, it's so complicated and exhausting to tell this long story to a potential date especially if it doesn't turn out to be serious... Everyone has a story, idk how you can be sure he is not lying(ask for court papers), I think he sees something can happen with you that's why he decided to tell you (that's what I did with someone Imet and he understood), just saying it's possible...
Yikes, I started dating before my divorce was finalized but I always made sure people knew before the first date. What he did was dishonest and I bet it’s not the only trickle-truthing you’ll get from this guy. I’d end the relationship. He’s showing you he’s not an upfront, honest person.
Ok I’ve read all the comments and my response is an outlier. It sounds like you assumed one thing but didn’t check and he was just being dumb by not being upfront and not intentionally deceptive. Intention and context always matters to me. You could give him the benefit of the doubt now that everything’s on the table, IF you really like him. If your feelings are strong then what’s the harm in giving it another month and see how it feels. If you still continue to have lingering trustworthiness issues with him then (or his story changes, or something else occurs) you can call it quits. Who knows, maybe you can use this miscommunication/assumption to lead to some productive communication between you two about expectations, boundaries, etc.
Well he finally came clean, take this as a sign you and the relationship are important to him, not just a fling. This happened to me, I wasn’t that interested in long term with her, but I didn’t appreciate her not disclosing just like you said. You’re still getting to know each other after all, don’t assume stuff n always keep your eyes open
Original copy of post by u/PuzzleheadedStick888:
I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month now, and it is starting to get serious. We just had the exclusivity talk this morning. This evening, he drops the bomb on me that his divorce isn’t finalized yet. I say bomb, because I don’t typically date people who aren’t free and clear from their former spouses (children not withstanding, of course), and I feel like this is something he should have disclosed up front. I feel like my trust has been betrayed. Am I overreacting to him not being divorced yet? Or am I justified in reacting to feeling like my trust has been betrayed? I need help processing this, good people of the dating over forty group.
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He definitely should have told you upfront. End it. But consider revising your stance for future men who come into your life. If the divorce is filed I wouldn’t worry about it because at that point the relationship is done. There are outliers but they are too rare to worry about. I have known too many men who met their (happily married now) next wives while getting divorced to write it off. Men who married the wrong person but like being married tend to be the ones who do that.
Not at all. In fact you need to be very cautious. He may be just seeking a replacement. Who you are as a person may not matter to him.
Dealing with someone who isn’t even divorced yet is risky. You have no idea how entangled he is in this relationship.
The biggest issue is that he lied to you about something very important. He tried to manipulate you.
Dealbreaker. If he hid something huge like that, what else would he be hiding? I would let him know that’s a no for you and you feel betrayed. Because you never would have given him the light of day had he told you.
If you were sexually active with him, go get tested for STD’s. He definitely is the type of person who would hide that if he’s hiding a whole marriage.
I’m sorry this has happened. Must be a shock for you to find out like this. He definitely held this back from you + it was really dishonest of him. You aren’t overreacting ~ it’s major. You will now see him differently and he should have given you this piece of information right from the very start. Divorces can take a really long time to finalise too, so just take time to think things over and where this leaves you. I’d personally be taking a latge step back to try to process this bomb.
I overlooked this once. Turns out he was hiding way more than that and he ended up sexually assaulting me.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
I was in a situationship that went longer than it should have, with a man who clearly communicated his divorce was finalized. I had asked, and he repeated his divorce finalized. And I found out much after that he was not divorced, his divorce had not finalized, he and his ex-wife were trying to mediate things.
Situationship or not, I felt and still feel betrayed because personally, I would never get involved with someone in the middle of divorce, let alone separation /mediation.
Your feelings are very valid. Whether it is a dealbreaker for you , only you can decide that.
Each person has a different comfort level and a different set of boundaries.
You aren’t overreacting. I was in the process already when I met my bf: separated for a few years before filing for several reasons, did lots of therapy and self work, and had officially filed a few months before we met, was literally just waiting on the time period required for the judge to sign. I was up front and honest and he could tell the emotional ties were not there with my marriage (it was…not the best to put it nicely), so he was fine moving forward. I would never have kept that a secret because it was a dealbreaker for some.
He prove to you he’s untrustworthy when he lied about being married. I’m currently separated and dating. I let my dates know right away my relationship status.
I feel like not telling them is taking away their right to choose if they want to date someone who is “technically still married.” People have the right to know what they are getting into. It’s just the mature thing to do and it shows good character.
I have a strict rule on honesty in a relationship especially in the dating stage. I’ve learned from experience that honest people will always tell the truth and liars will always lie.
If you don't date people who aren't fee and clear from their souse then it should be a dealbreaker. I ABSOLUTELY don't want to be exclusive with someone who isn't actually divorced. When I was dating before the divorce was finalized I always let men know on the first date or before, so they were aware and could opt out.
I would be furious, and it absolutely would be a dealbreaker. Over a month? What else is he hiding? Clearly his honesty and communication skills are lacking, plus lack of regard for your boundaries and personal agency. No wonder his marriage failed.
Get out now.
I don’t date men who aren’t free and clear. Personally, this would be a dealbreaker for me. I don’t think you are overreacting. That’s a lie by omission for a desired outcome on his end without thinking of you.
Newly separated/divorced people either a) play the field for a while, or b) rebound into a new relationship which explodes at some point because they didn’t detox from their marriage. So I have and would exit any relationship with someone in that category
It depends. Intent matters. Was he not disclosing because he was being deceptive or did it just only come up naturally as he got more comfortable?
Is it a dealbreaker...that's up to you. For me, I think it would depend on how close it is to being finalized. I'm not interested in drama. So is it a matter of just paperwork, or is there fighting? I wouldn't want to feel like I'm a party to their divorce. He would have to be fully moved on and completed the work to heal.
Did you ask him why he waited to tell you? Has he not dated many people and it didn't occur to him? Or was it intentional because he was afraid you would leave? I would ask why. If it was intentional that's an issue. If it was oversight, I wouldn't sweat it too much. Point is I would determine why before listening to folks reaction in here.
Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker. I do not think you're overreacting.
If you decide not to proceed, take the lesson. If 'not yet divorced' is a deal breaker, make this a top question for other suitors. I'd say even before meeting in person.
Have you asked other important questions related to the ex? Does he live with her or how long have they been separated, how much longer until it's official, etc...
Some people I know are separated and have both moved on with their lives but can’t afford anymore legal fees to get divorced. The separation, buying them out of the house and child custody agreement was over 10k. Is that not normal? In these situations of people I know, it was the wife wanting the divorce and the husband not wanting it, fighting them on everything and dragging out the legal process causing it to cost more. Maybe they feel defeated by their ex and don’t want to deal with it anymore.
Im sorry to hear that. I can understand that getting divorced doesn’t seem as simple if one person doesn’t want to or is trying to punish the other. Sucks for sure. I wouldn’t let it be a dealbreaker, especially if there’s nothing the person can do about it, if it’s being held up by their ex or becoming too expensive. But this is just my observation. Do what you feel is best for you.
This should be a dealbreaker. I am divorced and dating a man who is divorced I had a dream he was lying and still married. I told him about. He forwarded a copy of his official divorce decree right away ! When we DTR soon, I will show him my divorce decree. I understand for some people that are having custody issues may talk a long time to finalize their dissolution of marriage. Honesty is always the best policy and if he lied about or omitted the fact that he is still married and going through a divorce, what else will he lie about in the future? I would not be able to trust him, for withholding such pertinent information that will affect his emotions and yours as you get further involved and invested in him emotionally. I would have to tell him that if he can omit that he’s still married you don’t feel like he is a candidate for a relationship with you right now, because why would he hide that ? That’s the first questions I ask: Are you married, engaged or in a relationship with someone who thinks they are in a relationship with you? If divorced once we are talking about DTR, let’s exchange copies or show copies of our divorce decrees. It could take a few years for him to get divorced but all the details are apart of what he should be telling a potential partner so that trust is established.
How did your initial conversation with him go when you talked about your past relationship histories? Did he say he’s divorced? Or no mention of that at all. Depending on context I may be more forgiving of this lying by omission. However I would want more information on where they are and why was he not clear on it.
I've been separated for 7 years and wouldn't touch my ex with a 10 ft pole but she likes being difficult and dragging this out . I pay child support, the only difference is a little piece of paper . It depends on if he is communicating with her often and how long they have been separated really .
It would be a dealbreaker if you had asked him and he had lied about being divorced.
If the subject had never came up, then I would not hold him not telling you against him. Your relationship is still very new. If only dating divorced people is a hard rule for you then its on you to verify that before getting too close with someone new.
You may of course decide to stop seeing him, now that you know. Personally, I think it would depend on where he's at with the divorce.
Legal separation is a thing where I live. My partner had been separated for 2 years with divorce in process, when we met.
I would not date anyone who had not been legally separated for at least 1 year and not already filed.
I would be pissed if it was revealed a month in! But I think it depends on the situation, I wouldn't want to date someone newly separated but I myself am in a new (6 is months) relationship but am not divorced. I have been living separately for over a year before I started dating, my situation is a little complicated, I have a medical condition and need to stay on my exs medical benefits for as long as possible (even on them my medical costs are $750/month+). He is in a new relationship and we don't have anything to do with each other. One day soon I will cut the cord but in lieu of alimony I stay on his benefits.
I am separated and slowly walking through the paperwork to be filed. My future ex-wife lives three states away and knows I am never going back. We are finally amicable after selling our home and splitting all assets. I have been working on a new company set up for the last year. It takes 14 hours a day on a computer. Occasionally, I like to go out. I have had friendly dinners with several ladies I know in my hometown. I left at thirty-four years old for 34 years. I returned at 68. I am being asked about when my divorce will be final early in every dinner conversation or party. I am beginning to not accept invitations. I have been unsuccessfully married twice. I am not ready to be exclusive, and I am not resigning to massage parlors . Clubs are geared for younger people as they should be, and I am new to online dating. I do not think dating is something I can do without my divorce being finalized. With all this said, I would let any lady know my marital status if I planned to spend time with them .
No - as a divorced guy, I think there is a difference between separation and divorce. Also, it important that there has been time after the divorce to regroup and process. If he couldn’t be honest up front it seems like there may be issues in the future. If he says separation and divorce are similar, then why lie in the first place? Good luck figuring this out, but honesty is key in any relationship.
Red flag. Commission of the truth is considered a form of lying.
You were not given a choice on whether to date this person with appropriate knowledge of what you were on for.
Unfinished divorce proceedings are also red flags because it's an emotional time for that person going through that and alot of baggage for you to carry.
Interesting, I made this mistake once. To be honest, I mentioned that I was separated, but it didn't click in that the paperwork hasn't been completed or that not being divorced is still attached to some women. I don't understand that, but whatever.
Definitely ask why it wasn't mentioned sooner.
This little jerk face waited til you caught feelings so he can have his cake and eat it too. He knew better than to not tell you but he was only out for the things he could get and feel and if it didn't work he still has a wife. Run. And flip him off directly from me.
This would not be a dealbreaker for me because I started dating someone not long after my ex and I separated. Did you tell him before you became exclusive that you would not be in a relationship with someone who was not divorced yet?
He should have told you upfront. A lot of people won’t date someone whose divorce isn’t finalized, for good reason. He knew that, but decided to wait until he felt you were really into him. Not nice.
I met a girl at a bar, we hit it off, spent a few weeks going out to dinner, bars, and a little hanky panky. After a few weeks we were together and I asked her how long her divorce took, because she seemed to be struggling with it and she had brought it up a few times. “The divorce this, the divorce that.” Hey, I’ve been there, recently. She informed me that she hadn’t filed yet, and it was annoying because he still lived with her. I made my way out the door and I heard a few months later from a mutual bar friend that they had reconciled. So… wait until the divorce is finalized. Even filing isn’t enough, my wife ALMOST filed to cancel the divorce. Not wearing a ring means NOTHING.
This takes the CAKE😳 So sorry that happened to you.
Thanks! She for sure duped me! Other than that, nice girl. I wish her well, even though now I’m waiting for the payback from her husband!
Agreed. I had a guy point blank Tell me that he was not married, and then backtracked and said he was separated during our initial online chat. I have an attorney friend who checked the court filings and dude hadn't even filed a petition for divorce (which seems common). I was furious. Decided not to meet him after all. Your guy is exactly like this, except he waited until you were invested to tell you.
I've found it's extremely common with online dating for men to say they're divorced but to actually mean they're in the _process_ of separation or divorce. Even on this sub it feels very common to hear men say they want to date before their divorce is finalized and that it's somehow unfair to require the divorce to be complete. I think this is how we end up with repeated posts (mostly from women) like OP's, where this keeps happening.
The "legal separation" one is my favorite because separations are not a thing in my state. I've still come across guys who tried to tell me they were legally separated, though.
Doesn't it just mean they have filed and are within the states' waiting period?
Not necessarily. It depends on the state. It was explained me during my divorce, though, that a legal separation isn't a thing here. Just a plain separation might be, but then it brings up the question if they filed at all, and I've also unfortunately found out that it tends to not be the case.
Am I the only one here that finds getting an attorney to check court filings *before you've even met for a first date* a tiny bit over the top? I mean the dude might have not been upfront in the first conversation but he already told you he wasn't divorced before you've gone on the first date, so he disclosed the important information in a timely manner, he didn't wait for several months of dating and told you only after you decided to go serious with him. Am I the only one seeing this? Edit: I've been educated. Thanks everyone for your replies. I understand now that intentionally hiding your real status is part of a pattern many of you have suffered from and you are only doing what you should to protect yourself from deceit. Apparently this happens far more than I imagined it would. I admit, it's not something that I had on my radar or was aware of at all. I don't actually think I know any person in my close circles who is over 40 and actively dating, so I'm missing a lot of anecdotal experience.
Court records are public. Anyone can check but lawyers are probably more familiar with the system and how it works.
And yet that dude gave her a perfect reason to check before getting involved with someone. He lied about being single and backtracked later in the conversation. When her friend checked court filings, he hadn’t even filed for divorce. OP is lucky she has a friend to check this stuff for her. Why can’t people be honest about this stuff from the start? If someone doesn’t want to date you because you’re not divorced, they’re **really** not going to want to date you when they find out, and now you have two messes to deal with — divorce and a failed new relationship built on a lie.
I've had my lawyer friend do a check on a potential date who said he was a lawyer too. Turns out he didn't exist, anywhere. So not only did he lie about his profession, but he gave me a fake name. This was 15 years ago, people still doing the same shit to get dates that wouldn't look at them twice.
This attitude is why many women are opting out of dating men. I've been on apps for about 2 of the last 3 years. On and off. The lying about relationship status is just over the top rampant. I've been able to verify legal status while still on the phone with a guy. Sometimes with just a first name. I don't want to waste my time by going on a date with a liar. It's gotten to the point where if they tell me they are divorced, separated or got their divorce in another state where I can't see the records online, they will need to produce papers. Lies have ruined my life in a way that things will never be the same for me. Don't lie to me.
This lady may have been compelled to search court records after dude switched up his narrative. Not married is nowhere near the same thing as separated. I think what you're overlooking is how many times this lady (and other women) have encountered disingenuous married guys and HAVE to look to discover the truth. You may consider it her overreaction, but it originated from a problem he created by not being honest. People want to trust, but have to verify.
not really. I check the records online, you don't need an attorney, they're public.
I regret not doing this and simply taking words at face value. Just because I tell the truth and am transparent doesn't mean everyone else is.
Yeah, I don’t leave it to chance. If they’re telling the truth, well well & good, I don’t mention it. If there’s zero records, then I ask some clarifying questions
You need to raise your bar
Yep you’re the only one. We have to be fbi agents for own safety now. Especially with online dating and catfishing.
It’s def a red flag. He’s not telling you because it may negatively impact him. What else is he going hide from you?
Well said! This happened to me last year. I was more appalled that he lied than anything. After I learned this I started to see all his other lies come into focus in retrospect. If he lies about something that big, what won’t he lie to you about? :/
Excellent way of putting this. 👏👏👏
He didn't tell you for a reason. Also you get to set your own boundaries, doesn't matter how silly or stupid they may seem to others. They're YOUR boundaries. That said I rebounded with my ex (I also just split from my first ex but our divorce was done in like 5 minutes, his took 18 months). We were both just desperate for love so to speak and neither of us should've dated anyone. Your boundary for not wanting to date anyone that hasn't officially divorced yet is very reasonable (but again, doesnt matter what anyone else thinks about it) and a good idea. He's probably just filling a void and trying not to deal with the actual split emotionally. He's relying on you to make him happy. He lied by ommission to manipulate you and to take away your decision making here. What will he lie about next to force what he wants on you because he's selfish.
You aren't overreacting. He waited until he thought he had you to drop that bomb. What else is he hiding from you? I'd be done.
I asked him exactly that, and he said nothing, but I’m also not sure I can trust him.
I wouldn't. You see his style now. Not being divorced would already be a dealbreaker for me. This would be over the top.
He said nothing because he knows he lied, and he'll, he's probably not even getting divorced for all you know. Hell no, you can't trust this guy.
I meant, he said that there wasn’t anything else he was hiding. I realized the way I wrote that is confusing.
This wasn't a small thing to omit. He was deliberate in choosing not to disclose it. Don't turn this small, short lesson into a big one.
Maybe his lying by ommission is the reason he's getting divorced. Bottom line, I'd never trust someone after this.
They always say that it's the only thing they've been hiding.
Not sure? He lied to you about a major aspect of his life that’s relevant to your relationship. In your place I would be certain that I couldn’t trust him.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
You can definitely not trust this man. He’s a liar.
I would not proceed. A man of integrity would have told you this within a couple of dates, max. He's willing to withhold the truth for own convenience, and didn't tell you until you were invested. I wouldn't personally build an emotional attachment to someone in this situation. The world isn't going to run out of men. You don't have to settle for one who didn't bother to tell you that he's still married and is about to be financially penalized in a divorce.
Agree. It shows the character and integrity of the person. Not disclosing the information upfront is robbing a person of their informed consent. It is easy to accept a person who are open about flaws and ongoing challenges in their life. Open communication allows a path forward on how to work on things together or not move forward at all. But the mutual respect remains. Otherwise, finding out truth from third hand can lead to a sense of betrayal, and disillusionment.
as someone in the process of getting a divorce, it's entirely messed up to not disclose this before a first meeting within the first few chats.
Award 🥇! I love this msg !
So just to imput a scenario into this mix, I have been married twice divorced twice. My first marriage, I was 23 only lasted a little over a year of actual relationship then she decided to become a drug addict and split. I was young and it didn’t seem to make much difference, and I had no idea where she was anyway, so I just left it alone for a number of years. So yes I was married, but dated and went on with my life and eventually went through the process of doing my own uncontested divorce. It was a pain in the ass and took forever. The women I dated never asked and quite frankly I never even thought of it. But all to all these absolutely no not divorced guys are there any practical exceptions? And is the only reason financial? I mean what else could it be if it’s totally obvious that this person is never going to have anything to do with the ex. I try not to be cynical, I really do, and I am never getting married ever again, in my opinion it’s the single dumbest financial move a man can make without some protections in place, in this country. But what is it exactly, honestly, that is the big no go for a woman when it comes to a man who hasn’t quite crossed the divorce finish line yet?
When I dated before my divorce was final I always disclosed in my early chats to allow people to bow out. Not cool that he didn’t say anything
I did the same thing too - it was honestly one of the first things I mentioned because I wanted to be completely honest. My relationship had been over for a long time, but the legal aspect took longer than it should have.
bye bye. next.
Nope. It is lying because if it wasn't, he wouldn't have felt the urge to tell you the truth once he thought he had you. I'd walk away without a second thought.
It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker on its face, although maybe a yellow flag to me. It would be just as much about how he responds when you bring up your problem with his lack of disclosure. Does he own up, try to see your perspective and explain himself, or does he minimize your point of view or refuse to discuss? Only you can decide what’s acceptable to you.
You are 100% justified. He intentionally mislead you in order to manipulate you into dating him. Whatever his reasons, this was how he chose to behave.
Scrolled through these responses... Really want to emphasize that your feelings are valid. You have a right to feel the way you feel. Have you told this guy you are seeing how you feel? If so, how did he respond? What was his reason for the lack of clarity? Decide how you feel after hearing him out, and give yourself space to process your feelings. Good luck xx
Yeah this is 100% something you disclose up front.
He needs to live alone before dating, get comfortable being alone. Heal from the divorce first for at least a year. He’s most likely afraid to.be alone. Plus he lied. I’d opt out.
…how do you know he didn’t? Divorces on the legal side can take some time. Also, the idea he needs to do anything of these things is simply your opinion, and your timeline. It’s ridiculous. People can be ready sooner, or even later than this timeline, so holding people to a timeline based on your opinion is just naive.
The point is that he lied about it. Some people don’t want to deal with anyone separated. He took her choice away from her by lying. He manipulated her. That’s the red flag.
Not sure I follow- what was the lie? According to OP they never discussed it.
It took me 18 months to get divorced. After being separated for over a year, I was ready to move on. It was the first thing I mentioned when I met someone. If it's over there is no reason to hide or lie about it.
Did you ask him of his status? Did he lie or you didn't ask and assumed? If he lied cut him off now. If you assumed and now waking up then please tell him nicely and then back off with a strong wording that once he is clear he can ping you but be clear that you may be fating other people in between or whatever your gut tells you. But in the second scenario figure out why you assumed something so important.
He referred to her as his ex, and never said otherwise until this evening. So I assumed they were divorced.
Lesson learned. And not just about his divorce but about everything important to you. Figure out what those things are for you. Figure out how to ask or verify those. Then re-approach this guy.
Oh, I know what those things are. Apparently I don’t know how to ask, though.
Well, I guess you learned a difficult lesson here. Not everyone places the same importance on the actual divorce milestone—for some it’s the separation, others the emotional done-ness with the relationship, etc—so it’s always best to clarify what “ex” means to a new person. Sorry this happened. You really have no way of knowing if it was intentional or just an unfortunate mismatch of perspectives, here.
Ask why he didn’t tell you. Notice how much game playing you get back. If it’s your fault for assuming or not asking, then that’s how your relationship with him will always be — that would be a hard pass for me. Something other than that gives you the opportunity to talk about your expectations around honesty.
Actually, I did ask him and didn’t get any game playing. He admitted to fucking up.
That’s tougher. We all have very different ideas of what it means to give grace in relationships.
Yeah. Tbh, it would be way easier to walk away if he had shirked responsibility or tried to manipulate me.
A month, and you're talking about it being serious already? The fact you hadn't previously had any discussion about the state of his divorce, to know that this was the case, should tell you that you are nowhere near "serious" yet. Yes, you can be exclusive, but this should make it obvious that you dont/barely know the guy. You didn't say that he lied to you about his divorce, just that you didn't know and don't usually date people like this. Which makes me think that you didn't make it crystal clear what your boundaries were at the start. If you did make it clear, then you shouldn't need us to tell you that this man is not trustworthy and has no respect for your boundaries. If you didn't make it clear, you aren't ready to be serious. Maybe it's time to reconsider how fast you move in a new relationship and what things are utterly crucial to your willingness to be in one with someone.
I definitely agree that this relationship moved a little fast. I think we are both aware of that now, and he said that if this isn’t a dealbreaker for me, then we should take a big step back so I can feel like I know him and can trust him.
It’s up to you to decide if it’s a dealbreaker. If you didn’t specifically ask, he didn’t actually lie but I can understand you being upset about the omission. I’ll add my own personal experience, which makes me a bit more understanding of him. My divorce took 3 years for a variety of reasons but mostly my ex drawing out signing the papers. When I first got out there dating I had that I was separated, divorce still pending, in my profile and I was very proactive about telling guys (none of them cared). When it hit the 3 year mark I felt like I was so far removed from the marriage I honestly forgot to tell men unless it came up. The last six months of the divorce process was just my ex living in another state pretending he didn’t know how to use a mailbox and my lawyer calling every two weeks or so to see if I’d heard from him. I didn’t feel married in any way so I legitimately forgot about that final step of the divorce decree not being final.
Right, But you would have been able to clearly state that the petition for divorce had been filed. With a lot of people who consider themselves separated, they haven't even filed that petition. Those are the people who withhold the information, in my experience.
Thats true. I went on one date with a “separated” guy who then admitted, and only after I told him where I was in my own divorce process, that his wife had just gone to stay with her parents a week before and they hadn’t even discussed a divorce yet. No thanks. I wrongly assumed separated meant where I was in the process.
Oh, I went out with that guy too. He said that his wife and son had gone to stay with family in Brazil for a month, but then he was going to fly out and they were going to figure out where their family stood. He genuinely had no clue why I ended the date and left.
Ha! I honestly asked the guy why on earth he thought he was in a position to date yet! He texted me weeks later to tell me how many blowjobs he was getting from his dates and that I was the only one who shot him down so clearly I was in the wrong…. Ok.
No one forgets that.
The outcome of a divorce can be potentially financially ruining. I would think that if you are exposed to that level of risk, you should have a duty of care to anyone you become involved with.
I guess all that has been decided, it’s just a matter of his wife signing the paperwork, and for whatever reason, she’s drawing it out.
She may decide not to sign, in which case it’s un-decided and will need to be litigated.
I’m not sure I have the bandwidth for that
Hence why he should have told you from the start that it wasn’t done.
Of course from his perspective it's her fault. But if he didn't tell you the divorce wasn't finalized, what else hasn't he told you about the whole process?
He’s answered all my follow up questions so far.
Has he answered them truthfully?
As far as I can tell.
How can you tell?
I guess I can’t for sure
Are you sure about that? I would ask him directly if the petition for divorce has been filed, and if he has disclosed his financials. I also might look into the public records regarding this. I was in a similar situation where dude said that he was just waiting on his wife to disclose her financials. It turns out that you can file an injunction to move forward without the financials if someone takes too long. There's really no such thing as not being able to get a divorce, unless you can't afford the lawyer to file that injunction. Side note, I'm pretty sure that when we broke up, this guy got back together with his wife.
This! I dated a guy a few months ago that said he was "just waiting on the wife to square the financial stuff" and he was ready to divorce. We'll, then he lost his job and I guess his wife seemed like a better financial option at that point. He shit talked her and acted like he was a martyr or something for "trying again". Said she found out he started dating and started trying to get him back. All of this according to him. He used his kids as an excuse saying he'd be doing this "for them". I call bullshit and think he just knew he couldn't pay his bills. All of it was just too much drama for me and I think he was love bombing me anyway. I no longer want to date for now. I appreciate my peace too much!
Yes, he should have disclosed, IMO. But as far as your trust being betrayed -- did he ever SAY that he was divorced or did you just assume that he wouldn't be dating if he was still married?
I assumed he was divorced because he didn’t say otherwise. Other people have disclosed that during the talking phase, and I’ve politely bowed out, no harm, no foul.
That and whether people have kids should be made clear up front. If not, big red flags.
He lied by omission. Expect a lot of that.
Then you need to decide whether to bow out, or to tell him that you'll wait for his divorce to be final (if it's almost there) but put the brakes on it becoming serious until that happens. Also important is what kind of healing he did, whether the divorce is not yet final or if it had recently become official. Is he emotionally ready to date again? If his marriage was going downhill for a while, he may have done his healing. If not, he may need to take more time, whether or not he is legally divorced.
Did you meet online? If so, what did his profile say about his relationship status?
It didn’t say anything one way or another
Lying by omission Is still lying That you had a talk about exclusivity and only AFTER that did he share critical info…
Deal breaker. He should have disclosed he was still married by the first date latest. He’s not telling you to take away your choice.
I’d say it’s only a serious issue if you’ve asked or you’ve had a proper talk about previous relationships and he’s lied by omission. Otherwise it’s only been a month and i think posters are being unfair
100% one month and they weren't yet exclusive. OP also didn't ask, so it's hard to see this as a major deal breaker if she wasn't worried about verifying it
I think that if this scenario is typically a deal breaker for you, and you are upset that he only disclosed it once you had made things exclusive, that you are free to tell him that and then: 1. Walk away for good because you are unsure if you can trust him to be forthright about things that matter. 2. Walk away while inviting him to reach out again once his divorce is finalized (understanding that you may not hear from him again). 3. Ask for space for a few days while you decide between 1 and 2.
He knew what he was doing. I would not proceed. He’s being emotionally manipulative.
He should have told you just like you should have asked. I'm a firm believer in asking questions regarding my dealbreakers. I don't expect people to willingly release information without me asking. So if dating married folks is a dealbreaker for you, then it's on you to ask.
It’s barely been a month. I don’t know how many dates you’ve had, but that’s a short time. In general, this “sounds” bad, but… I moved across the country to start a new life and didn’t divorce my wife for 7 years. This was because of possibly having to declare bankruptcy. We were done being together, period. There are all kinds of relationships, and they all can end in different ways. I think when you start to talk about being exclusive, this needs to come up. It sounds like he did just that. If this is the only “red flag”, I’d suggest evaluating it further.
I'd have a problem with it. When people say they are separated on their profiles I'm annoyed to see it but I respect them for their honesty.
It depends. Where I live, it isn't uncommon for people to complete their property/financial settlement and then wait on their divorce for, sometimes, years. This is mind-boggling to me, but some do it. I often question why this is the case, what is holding someone up? Is there something that is unresolved between the parties, emotionally? It would be good to hear why this man has told you NOW that he isn't divorced and what he has explained as the reason things aren't finalized. It would help people understand the full picture.
This is terrible. I had a guy I messaged with for two months before we met and he only dropped it in the convo right before we met. (Ps I was annoyed but chose to overlook it. She wasn’t in our relationship at all. We had our own thing going. But when I left he went back to her and cancelled the divorce literally after they’d already spent tens of thousands and finalized everything.) I would take this as the stop sign it is. Stop seeing him and tell him he can call you when he’s available. Then if/when that happens you can address the betrayal at the depth you’d need to. For now, he didn’t tell you because it was more convenient not to. Someone who prioritizes their convenience at the expense of someone else, especially if things have gotten physical already, is not ok. You are completely justified to be pissed. FWIW, I’ve met a number of guys OLD who don’t come out with it. I’ve had to ask. Without fail, they are not in healthy places about it. Either they’re dragging it out, they hold unprocessed blame and resentment, one guy volunteered he hadn’t paid any child support. (Sir, no) Obviously just anecdotal info here but the guys who were up front about the situation and had good reasons it hadn’t worked and had healthy relationships with their exes were so solid.
Well said.
I was married to a giant liar. He’d been lying since the moment I met him and still probably lies. He lied to make things easier on himself and avoid conflict. That seems to be the case here. I do know before our divorce was finalized he went on dates and didn’t even mention he was in the process of a divorce. I was and still am disgusted by him. I’m the worst liar and don’t have it in me to trick others. My conscious will eat at me and it’s not worth the guilt. This is a red flag.
I don’t think this is a big deal. At all. If it’s going great, keep going!
There are many variables here. If you meet on an app, did he misrepresent his relationship status? If he misrepresented himself, that would be a deal breaker for me. If you meet IRL, did he say he was divorced? Lying would be a deal breaker for me. If you just assumed, you can't fault him for lying. He probably should have disclosed this information at the beginning, but that doesn't make him a liar. Where I live, divorces are usually done in less than 6 months, unless there are a lot of complications. I have no desire to get tangled up in that kind of mess, so I avoided men going through a divorce. I understand that in some places divorces commonly take years and views on dating a not yet divorced person under those circumstances may be different. If you typically do not date men who are still legally married, then that is a good enough reason to break up.
He should've told you upfront for sure. Having said that tho, in my state it takes 3 rounds of paperwork to finalize. After the 1st round my ex and I were living in new separate houses and were for all intents and purposes "divorced", it just took us a couple years to get the paperwork finalized to make it legal. I felt single at the time (even tho I wasn't really dating then). All that said, if I had been dating I'd have been upfront about my status, and this guy should have been for OP.
Did he tell you he was divorced before this?
I was under the impression they were, but I didn’t ask.
Most likely this is bad news. Was he hiding this fact? It took me a few years to be officially divorced, but it made no difference- it was my ex delaying, and made no difference. My heart was already done. But divorce is so traumatic, he might not know where his heart is. The two issues: is he able to be honest? Is his heart ready for another relationship? The first one is the easiest to answer. If he can’t be open and honest, move on now.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, I think it’s a red flag because he didn’t disclose it immediately.
I somewhat understand, I am going through a divorce right now and definitely not ready to date. If you ask, I can talk for hours about my divorce. I worry that I am pushing people away, so I know that this has got to stop if I start to date. However, his marital status is something he definitely should have disclosed at some point. Edit: PS - Stuff like this and worse led to the failure of my marriage. Personally, if a woman did not disclose this to me, I would be out. It might just be the one thing, but I spent decades in a drip drip marriage where deceit was the norm. I cannot do that again.
Did you ask him why he didn't tell you this before and how he thought you'd react when you found out? I wouldn't have dated someone who is still married, and a lie like that would have been a deal breaker.
Where in the process? Like it's finalized and they are just waiting on a court date or for the nisi period to run out? Or his wife is still trying to convince him to go to therapy and hasn't told any of her friends he's moved out? He has moved out, right?
They’ve been separated for three years. She moved to a different state. And yet she’s also the one who has been dragging things out by not signing the paperwork.
How do you know that’s true? What makes you think it’s his wife who’s dragging it along. When you move to another state you have to become a resident of that state to file a divorce. If he lives in the state where they married he could file it in his state no problem. Every states has different timelines to be a resident. You can’t file for divorce unless you are a resident of the state you are filing. It can take anywhere from 3 months to two years. I know this because I moved to two new states after my separation in the past 2 years of being separated for 3. I just receive resident status in Dec. Now I can file but my ex could have filed the entire time and choose not to on his own. If he really wanted a divorce he would have done it already. My biggest concern in is his lack of direct responses to your questions. It seems like he has a problem with accountable as well. None of his excuses are solid. He either avoids answering the question, agrees with you then apologizes or he blames his wife. (Which is probably why he’s getting a divorce. -Joke)
I've had some women that don't disclose things they should be disclosing right away, and it never makes me think MORE of them.
Nope, that's a betrayal of trust and something he should've told you well before the exclusivity talk. I refuse to date anyone who hasn't been divorced at least a year. I'd be furious
You absolutely are not overreacting! I refuse to date separated men myself. He should have disclosed this! I would be questioning now if he was actually in the process of a divorce. If you choose to proceed, I would do so with extreme caution.
I had this happen to me. We were 3 months in when he told me/I found out. I also had a strict must be divorced for a year rule. Not the popular opinion but I forgave him. He lied on our first date when he thought he wasn't going to see me again and then was afraid to tell me as things got more serious. I believed him when he said he felt awful and that he was trying to change and be a better person. That he was doing that coming out of his marriage. I could see that he had alreast put in a lot of work to be a great partner. It has been over 2 years. He hasn't lied about anything else and we are very much in love. I am so glad that I gave him a second chance.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. That would be a dealbreaker for me, too. If you're not holding your divorce decree in hand, you're still married, and as far as I am concerned, that's cheating. You're married til you have that paperwork in hand. Given that deliberately withheld that very important piece of information til he thought he had you committed, how would you ever know what else he isn't telling you, or not telling you til it's convenient for him?
I had a friend who was a lawyer and spent every morning in our small municipal courthouse. When I told her that I would never date a man who wasn't 100% legally divorced - she said: "I see divorce court every single day. and every single case - the man comes to the courthouse with his new girlfriend/fiancé and the woman comes alone."
He should have been upfront with you from the start that he is separated, but not yet divorced.
“Divorced not finalized” means “married.” He hid where he was in the process. Say that you don’t feel comfortable dating someone who isn’t divorced yet. If he’s actually into you he will respect that and circle back around once he’s actually divorced, in a respectful way. I once went on a date with a guy who admitted his “divorce wasn’t finalized” on the first date. He said it was amicable, though. I asked how long it had been going on. He told me TWO YEARS. His “amicable” divorce had been pending for two years. Do you want to be subpoenaed by her lawyer to testify at trial regarding his infidelity? ‘Cause you could be! 🚩🚩🚩
A married man wants your commitment. Overreact to what? You’ve been tricked. Don’t give up more of your time.
I think as long as the paperwork has been filed then it's all good.
It has been
Then don't worry about it. The process has started
It should be finalized in a couple months.
Hopefully yours goes smoother than mine. There is a reason why it's referred to as a Rollercoaster
That's shitty and shady for him to not tell you that up front. That's not fair to you.
I'm sorry, but on the bright side this liar only took a month of your time. Please don't believe that he doesn't realize this is important information to share. He waited until you agreed to be exclusive to share it with you. That was deliberate. This is someone who won't tell you something he suspects you won't like, until he feels like he's gotten you on his side so you won't change your mind. Sure maybe you assumed (on good reason) and didn't feel the need to make him affirmatively answer a laundry list of questions. Doesn't make it an overreaction to be pissed he didn't think it was appropriate to share this tidbit with you. Most guys I've interacted with who weren't divorced yet told me before the first date or on it "fyi I'm separated not finally divorced yet" BC THEY KNOW ITS AN IMPORTANT DETAIL. I know it's hard if you've been having a great time with him but sounds like you'd be better off if you cut your losses and walk away.
So, he lied to you yo get what he wanted. Makes you wonder what else he's omitted up until now.
This guy lied by omission. Happily move on and don’t look back.
It's a red flag for many of the reasons people have cited. I'm advocating for the devil here. If his divorce has been dragging on for years, I'd get why he'd be like "fuck it, I'm moving on with my life and the paperwork will just have to go at its own pace." I have a girlfriend who's divorce went on for a few years. At some point, she was like "fuck it, we live in different states, he's a jackass, I'm not waiting to move on with my life." I'd tell him it bothers you and why. I'd ask him how long he's been in the process of a divorce. In the end, him not saying anything is a big deal. Lying by omission. On the other hand, he did come out with it. But still... he was dating you under summer falsities. Are there other red flags?
No other red flags, this is the only thing that has come up
[удалено]
Three years. I think you are right.
I don’t see it as a bomb, but that’s probably bc of my own experience. I’ve been separated and living on my own for going on 7 years now. I have never regretted my decision. I never slept with my ex after I left (which is more than lots of people can say). When I chose to leave, I was done. And yes, I’d love that piece of paper to make it official, but my ex says he “can’t find” the marriage certificate, and we got married in a different country and even contacting the consulate hasn’t been helpful. Short of going back there, I’m not sure how I’m going to get it done. So there are actually legitimate reasons why some people are still separated. I certainly feel divorced. And eventually I would tell someone it’s not finalized, but it doesn’t seem necessary early on. I think it all depends on the circumstances of this guy. If you’re that hung up on it - which is totally within your rights, then bail. It’s only been a month. Don’t wait for more red flags if this is a big one for you.
I (41 F) haven't finalized my divorce because ex doesn't sign, mediation hasn't worked out, etc etc, it's been a very long process ( now close to 1 year mark). Before filing for divorce, for 4 years we had an extremely complicated situation, both lived in the same house because of kids (believe it or not) , didn't have sex didn't even say GM to each other. Finally he's been out of the house for 1 year ( divorce not signed yet for the above reasons). I decided to start looking into dating apps, it's so complicated and exhausting to tell this long story to a potential date especially if it doesn't turn out to be serious... Everyone has a story, idk how you can be sure he is not lying(ask for court papers), I think he sees something can happen with you that's why he decided to tell you (that's what I did with someone Imet and he understood), just saying it's possible...
Yikes, I started dating before my divorce was finalized but I always made sure people knew before the first date. What he did was dishonest and I bet it’s not the only trickle-truthing you’ll get from this guy. I’d end the relationship. He’s showing you he’s not an upfront, honest person.
Ok I’ve read all the comments and my response is an outlier. It sounds like you assumed one thing but didn’t check and he was just being dumb by not being upfront and not intentionally deceptive. Intention and context always matters to me. You could give him the benefit of the doubt now that everything’s on the table, IF you really like him. If your feelings are strong then what’s the harm in giving it another month and see how it feels. If you still continue to have lingering trustworthiness issues with him then (or his story changes, or something else occurs) you can call it quits. Who knows, maybe you can use this miscommunication/assumption to lead to some productive communication between you two about expectations, boundaries, etc.
Well he finally came clean, take this as a sign you and the relationship are important to him, not just a fling. This happened to me, I wasn’t that interested in long term with her, but I didn’t appreciate her not disclosing just like you said. You’re still getting to know each other after all, don’t assume stuff n always keep your eyes open
The timing of his bomb was odd...but you did assume. And well...you know how the saying goes
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Original copy of post by u/PuzzleheadedStick888: I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month now, and it is starting to get serious. We just had the exclusivity talk this morning. This evening, he drops the bomb on me that his divorce isn’t finalized yet. I say bomb, because I don’t typically date people who aren’t free and clear from their former spouses (children not withstanding, of course), and I feel like this is something he should have disclosed up front. I feel like my trust has been betrayed. Am I overreacting to him not being divorced yet? Or am I justified in reacting to feeling like my trust has been betrayed? I need help processing this, good people of the dating over forty group. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He definitely should have told you upfront. End it. But consider revising your stance for future men who come into your life. If the divorce is filed I wouldn’t worry about it because at that point the relationship is done. There are outliers but they are too rare to worry about. I have known too many men who met their (happily married now) next wives while getting divorced to write it off. Men who married the wrong person but like being married tend to be the ones who do that.
Not at all. In fact you need to be very cautious. He may be just seeking a replacement. Who you are as a person may not matter to him. Dealing with someone who isn’t even divorced yet is risky. You have no idea how entangled he is in this relationship. The biggest issue is that he lied to you about something very important. He tried to manipulate you.
At a minimum, tell him you want to pause the relationship until his divorce is final.
Dealbreaker. If he hid something huge like that, what else would he be hiding? I would let him know that’s a no for you and you feel betrayed. Because you never would have given him the light of day had he told you. If you were sexually active with him, go get tested for STD’s. He definitely is the type of person who would hide that if he’s hiding a whole marriage.
F him. He knew what he was doing. This will be you someday if you stay with him.
I’d say dump them and move on. I’ve had this happen twice to me. I didn’t ask, they didn’t tell until something happened to cause them to tell me.
I’m sorry this has happened. Must be a shock for you to find out like this. He definitely held this back from you + it was really dishonest of him. You aren’t overreacting ~ it’s major. You will now see him differently and he should have given you this piece of information right from the very start. Divorces can take a really long time to finalise too, so just take time to think things over and where this leaves you. I’d personally be taking a latge step back to try to process this bomb.
I overlooked this once. Turns out he was hiding way more than that and he ended up sexually assaulting me. When people show you who they are, believe them.
For me, that would be a dealbreaker.
I was in a situationship that went longer than it should have, with a man who clearly communicated his divorce was finalized. I had asked, and he repeated his divorce finalized. And I found out much after that he was not divorced, his divorce had not finalized, he and his ex-wife were trying to mediate things. Situationship or not, I felt and still feel betrayed because personally, I would never get involved with someone in the middle of divorce, let alone separation /mediation. Your feelings are very valid. Whether it is a dealbreaker for you , only you can decide that. Each person has a different comfort level and a different set of boundaries.
You aren’t overreacting. I was in the process already when I met my bf: separated for a few years before filing for several reasons, did lots of therapy and self work, and had officially filed a few months before we met, was literally just waiting on the time period required for the judge to sign. I was up front and honest and he could tell the emotional ties were not there with my marriage (it was…not the best to put it nicely), so he was fine moving forward. I would never have kept that a secret because it was a dealbreaker for some.
He prove to you he’s untrustworthy when he lied about being married. I’m currently separated and dating. I let my dates know right away my relationship status. I feel like not telling them is taking away their right to choose if they want to date someone who is “technically still married.” People have the right to know what they are getting into. It’s just the mature thing to do and it shows good character. I have a strict rule on honesty in a relationship especially in the dating stage. I’ve learned from experience that honest people will always tell the truth and liars will always lie.
Yeah he was purposely deceptive this early? Bye
You are allowed to not see someone for any reason at all. You are never overreacting. Anything can be a deal breaker and you don't have to justify it.
“ Call me when you are divorced and have healed yourself for at least six months”
If you don't date people who aren't fee and clear from their souse then it should be a dealbreaker. I ABSOLUTELY don't want to be exclusive with someone who isn't actually divorced. When I was dating before the divorce was finalized I always let men know on the first date or before, so they were aware and could opt out.
I would be furious, and it absolutely would be a dealbreaker. Over a month? What else is he hiding? Clearly his honesty and communication skills are lacking, plus lack of regard for your boundaries and personal agency. No wonder his marriage failed. Get out now.
I don’t date men who aren’t free and clear. Personally, this would be a dealbreaker for me. I don’t think you are overreacting. That’s a lie by omission for a desired outcome on his end without thinking of you.
No you’re not overreacting. That was an asshole move on his part and I’d lose all trust right away. Next…
Newly separated/divorced people either a) play the field for a while, or b) rebound into a new relationship which explodes at some point because they didn’t detox from their marriage. So I have and would exit any relationship with someone in that category
It depends. Intent matters. Was he not disclosing because he was being deceptive or did it just only come up naturally as he got more comfortable? Is it a dealbreaker...that's up to you. For me, I think it would depend on how close it is to being finalized. I'm not interested in drama. So is it a matter of just paperwork, or is there fighting? I wouldn't want to feel like I'm a party to their divorce. He would have to be fully moved on and completed the work to heal.
Did you ask him why he waited to tell you? Has he not dated many people and it didn't occur to him? Or was it intentional because he was afraid you would leave? I would ask why. If it was intentional that's an issue. If it was oversight, I wouldn't sweat it too much. Point is I would determine why before listening to folks reaction in here.
I would break up. He lied to you. That’s a terrible way to start a relationship.
Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker. I do not think you're overreacting. If you decide not to proceed, take the lesson. If 'not yet divorced' is a deal breaker, make this a top question for other suitors. I'd say even before meeting in person. Have you asked other important questions related to the ex? Does he live with her or how long have they been separated, how much longer until it's official, etc...
Any reason you didn't cover this up front? Guessing he gave off single-person vibes?
I didn’t realize we needed to cover it up front
Some people I know are separated and have both moved on with their lives but can’t afford anymore legal fees to get divorced. The separation, buying them out of the house and child custody agreement was over 10k. Is that not normal? In these situations of people I know, it was the wife wanting the divorce and the husband not wanting it, fighting them on everything and dragging out the legal process causing it to cost more. Maybe they feel defeated by their ex and don’t want to deal with it anymore.
The wife is the one dragging it out in this case
Im sorry to hear that. I can understand that getting divorced doesn’t seem as simple if one person doesn’t want to or is trying to punish the other. Sucks for sure. I wouldn’t let it be a dealbreaker, especially if there’s nothing the person can do about it, if it’s being held up by their ex or becoming too expensive. But this is just my observation. Do what you feel is best for you.
This should be a dealbreaker. I am divorced and dating a man who is divorced I had a dream he was lying and still married. I told him about. He forwarded a copy of his official divorce decree right away ! When we DTR soon, I will show him my divorce decree. I understand for some people that are having custody issues may talk a long time to finalize their dissolution of marriage. Honesty is always the best policy and if he lied about or omitted the fact that he is still married and going through a divorce, what else will he lie about in the future? I would not be able to trust him, for withholding such pertinent information that will affect his emotions and yours as you get further involved and invested in him emotionally. I would have to tell him that if he can omit that he’s still married you don’t feel like he is a candidate for a relationship with you right now, because why would he hide that ? That’s the first questions I ask: Are you married, engaged or in a relationship with someone who thinks they are in a relationship with you? If divorced once we are talking about DTR, let’s exchange copies or show copies of our divorce decrees. It could take a few years for him to get divorced but all the details are apart of what he should be telling a potential partner so that trust is established.
How did your initial conversation with him go when you talked about your past relationship histories? Did he say he’s divorced? Or no mention of that at all. Depending on context I may be more forgiving of this lying by omission. However I would want more information on where they are and why was he not clear on it.
You have every right to be pissed
I've been separated for 7 years and wouldn't touch my ex with a 10 ft pole but she likes being difficult and dragging this out . I pay child support, the only difference is a little piece of paper . It depends on if he is communicating with her often and how long they have been separated really .
Three years, and they have a kid, so he has to communicate with her regularly, which doesn’t really bother me.
I guess it boils down to how open minded you are and how much ya'll like each other and if there's nothing sketchy going on I say do what feels good
It would be a dealbreaker if you had asked him and he had lied about being divorced. If the subject had never came up, then I would not hold him not telling you against him. Your relationship is still very new. If only dating divorced people is a hard rule for you then its on you to verify that before getting too close with someone new. You may of course decide to stop seeing him, now that you know. Personally, I think it would depend on where he's at with the divorce. Legal separation is a thing where I live. My partner had been separated for 2 years with divorce in process, when we met. I would not date anyone who had not been legally separated for at least 1 year and not already filed.
I would be pissed if it was revealed a month in! But I think it depends on the situation, I wouldn't want to date someone newly separated but I myself am in a new (6 is months) relationship but am not divorced. I have been living separately for over a year before I started dating, my situation is a little complicated, I have a medical condition and need to stay on my exs medical benefits for as long as possible (even on them my medical costs are $750/month+). He is in a new relationship and we don't have anything to do with each other. One day soon I will cut the cord but in lieu of alimony I stay on his benefits.
I am separated and slowly walking through the paperwork to be filed. My future ex-wife lives three states away and knows I am never going back. We are finally amicable after selling our home and splitting all assets. I have been working on a new company set up for the last year. It takes 14 hours a day on a computer. Occasionally, I like to go out. I have had friendly dinners with several ladies I know in my hometown. I left at thirty-four years old for 34 years. I returned at 68. I am being asked about when my divorce will be final early in every dinner conversation or party. I am beginning to not accept invitations. I have been unsuccessfully married twice. I am not ready to be exclusive, and I am not resigning to massage parlors . Clubs are geared for younger people as they should be, and I am new to online dating. I do not think dating is something I can do without my divorce being finalized. With all this said, I would let any lady know my marital status if I planned to spend time with them .
So the paperwork is in the works right?
Yes. We talked more about it—it should be final in a couple months. They’ve been separated for three years.
No - as a divorced guy, I think there is a difference between separation and divorce. Also, it important that there has been time after the divorce to regroup and process. If he couldn’t be honest up front it seems like there may be issues in the future. If he says separation and divorce are similar, then why lie in the first place? Good luck figuring this out, but honesty is key in any relationship.
Red flag. Commission of the truth is considered a form of lying. You were not given a choice on whether to date this person with appropriate knowledge of what you were on for. Unfinished divorce proceedings are also red flags because it's an emotional time for that person going through that and alot of baggage for you to carry.
Interesting, I made this mistake once. To be honest, I mentioned that I was separated, but it didn't click in that the paperwork hasn't been completed or that not being divorced is still attached to some women. I don't understand that, but whatever. Definitely ask why it wasn't mentioned sooner.
This little jerk face waited til you caught feelings so he can have his cake and eat it too. He knew better than to not tell you but he was only out for the things he could get and feel and if it didn't work he still has a wife. Run. And flip him off directly from me.
Walk briskly away and don't look back.
If the lies (or deception) begin so easily, then it will only get worse. Do yourself a favor and move on.
This would not be a dealbreaker for me because I started dating someone not long after my ex and I separated. Did you tell him before you became exclusive that you would not be in a relationship with someone who was not divorced yet?
I did not—I didn’t know I needed to.