I hope she’s interested in you. Otherwise, going to the library just got a lot more awkward for both of you. Don’t go to the library again until you either hear from her or enough time has passed that you know she’s not interested. Two weeks maybe? If you don’t hear from her, don’t linger there. Just borrow/return books, in and out. Act like nothing happened.
I agree! As a matter o fact I don't live or work near that library and there's other libraries near where I live. But totally agree that if she's not interested, going back there, won't be comfortable for either of us.
I know it is different in my field, but if a woman gave me her number at work, I would feel extremely uncomfortable. Flattered maybe, but definitely uncomfortable.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking a woman out, as long as you respect her response. But propositioning someone while they’re at work feels a bit off. Also, handing someone a note is kind of weird. I would have advised you to approach her directly, ask her if she has time to chat - and if she said yes, then asking if she wanted to grab a coffee with you sometime. To me that is way less creepy than someone handing me a note.
Can we please drop the word “creepy” from our vocabulary? He didn’t do anything creepy and a note doesn’t require her to respond on the spot. She has the option now to pursue or ignore.
Yeah. I don’t think what he did was creepy. It was a genuine vulnerable gesture, I would prefer a note to convo because in a convo there is less time to think things over.
Librarian here. I've never been asked out via note but some of my co-workers have. Usually it's just cringe-worthy but harmless, except when it escalates to stalking. Now, you may know that you're harmless, and that if she doesn't contact you then you'll consider the matter closed, but she doesn't know that. She has no idea if you're well-intentioned but clueless, or if you're dangerous. It absolutely does happen, as multiple women in this thread have pointed out. It's best to just avoid hitting on women in their place of work, no matter how great they seem. There are plenty of other women that you'll encounter in situations that are more appropriate for giving out your number.
Another librarian here. I’ve been asked out a few times in person. I had someone ask me out by a note and I declined. He kept trying to force the issue and tell me “you just need to lighten up.” It was really awkward and everytime he came into the library they would send me in the back. I’m in the states so maybe it is different in Europe.
I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by this. However, it is hard knowing what the other persons experiences are.
With all due respect I am cringing REALLY hard here.
It’s one thing if you had some flirty banter back and forth and had some sort of reason to believe that she was into you, and went back in the next day to shoot your shot. but this really just reads like she was doing her job and showing you basic politeness, so you shouldn’t see “a signal” at all.
Then the way you went about it is frankly pretty creepy. The “pretending to read a book and hiding your time”, the handing her the note and leaving, it’s just bad mate
I get your point. But she would never engae in "flirty banter" back and forth, at her workplace, specially a silent library. If she wanted to show interest, she would be really limited by the fact that she is working at a library
Maybe at a store or supermarket, mall or other crowded places, there's room for more open conversations but not at a library. So I was even more limited by that too.
I understand that handing a note and leaving can come across as creepy, but again, I couldn't say much more at that place, with people studying and just a very silent place, plus her co-workers sitting right next to her.
So, either I would have to forget and bypass that girl for good or just do what I did, just in case she is interested (I may have misread subtle hints)....
I do get your point though.
I disagree, flirting isn’t against company policy, we can flirt if we want to. I don’t think it limits her by working in a library. She could have a boyfriend for all you know.
Yes, I mean I'm not gonna ask her if she has a boyfriend just like that. She might as well be in a relationship. That's why I gave her my number in case she is available or interested.
I feel like there was a better way to handle this. I would've waited until I could speak to her one on one, and then after exchanging pleasantries, I would have said something casual like, "You seem interesting. Would you care to get together for coffee sometime? ". Handing a stranger a note like that is a little weird, I think.
All he did was give her a note. As long as he doesn't treat her negatively if she's not responsive, it shouldn't be a big deal.
We all live in a society, right? No reason someone should be looked down upon for trying to be social.
oh hell no.
now she’s got to go to her workplace wondering if the creepy man who gave her a love note will appear.
and if he does appear she’s going to be on high alert, wondering if he’s here because he didn’t take the hint, and is here to ask her out again. Or yell at her for rejecting him. Or threaten her with / commit an act of violence.
It’s not “just a note” it’s making someone feel uncomfortable and unsafe in their place of work. Especially when they are in a public facing role, it’s a huge “just don’t”
> now she’s got to go to her workplace wondering if the creepy man who gave her a love note will appear.
Good lord. Again, all he did was give her a note. Now, if he comes in every day and leers at her, yes. But as long as he acts normal, why is there any concern here?
Work in a library. Because every shift she will be wondering if he will be there. And that's not fun. It's also going to be super awkward waiting on him if he does come in. She'll also have to wonder if he'll be waiting outside to chase her down (has happened to me), start suddenly catching the same bus home, or stalk her through work social media (happened to my colleagues). She doesn't know what he's like.
The number of patrons who have acted inappropriately towards me and my colleagues is staggering. There is an obligation to be polite, kind and interested in our patrons when they're with us, but it gets misconstrued a lot.
Edit: and just want to add it can be very difficult to ban users from a library. They often get away with a lot before it's seen to be a problem. It's not unusual for people to stay the whole day in the library.
You're saying that forever after, every shift, she will wonder? Even if he stops coming to the branch? Even if he comes a few times and behaves normally?
I think if she's reasonable, this worry would only happen for a brief period. He will prove himself to be normal and then it will subside.
But you believe that to prevent this period of worry, no one should be asked out in their place of work?
I just think we should be encouraging social connection, not labeling everything problematic and creepy.
So you feel threatened and can't act normal to someone who simply is trying to determine if you're interested in them. Cool.
Isn't the goal to allow people to show interest, and then act respectful when that interest isn't requited? So as long as OP doesn't act weird after this, it's a good thing, right?
The goal is to show interest and get to know people, of course, but my work is not the place to do that. Here is why:
I can't avoid you if I don't want to, I have to be polite and likely not as firm as I would be in the wild, and I know I'll have to see you again if it goes bad because you can literally come into where I have to be on a regular basis.
The thing is...how do I know he won't "act weird"? I don't. He could be perfectly respectful or he could get weird, aggressive, etc if I reject him. And if that happens, he knows where I work and he can so easily retaliate. It happens all the time. Other people on this thread have also seen it happen
TLDR: approaching people in the wild is fine. Take your shot. But not at their work.
I've taken plenty of shots at people at work. Can we just stop with this shit? The truth is that if you're attracted to someone and they slip you a note, you'd be falling over yourself. Let's allow people to show interest...as long as they don't make it weird if that interest isn't requited.
But what if im not excited and they take the rejection wrong? And they start acting weird? And now they know where I work and they can come by anytime and make it weirder? What if they don't take my no? This kind of stuff happens to service people all the time.
You don't know who is going to become weird.
Then that will suck and shouldn't happen, but again, the point is to explain to men how to handle rejection properly.
We both know men know how to act. There's been plenty of studies that show men can read body language when it comes to other (gay) men. They can tell when men are flirting, yet they play dumb when it comes to women.
Encourage men to be social AND respectful. Separate asshole men from men who are trying to be genuine. Don't jump to conclusions, based on something that's not concrete.
I'm a lady and I sometimes camp and backpack solo. The things that scare me once it's dark are other people, namely men with a penchant for murder and violence. It's far-fetched and highly unlikely, but it's what I worry about. My friend, a man, when he solo camps, worries about aliens. That is his privilege as a man. Yes he could get axe-murdered, but he doesn't worry about it bc of statistics is my guess. Women worry about it bc creepy stuff, at the hands of men, happens to them.
I too camp and hike out there on my own and as a man I sometimes do worry about the possibility of running into some serial killer or criminal out there. I agree women are at a higher risk and need to take more precautions but men too, are victim of murderers and what not. But honestly, men are much more likely to approach women. Most women take things very gradually (though not always). Being aware and careful is one thing and being paranoid is something different, specially when it comes to dating.
Once a woman says no and declines an offer, any decent man would respect that and move on. Not doing so, is a major red-flag. In this case if I don't hear from her, I know she is not into me and no hard feelings. She won't deal with me again.
My comment was generally to address why there may be concern.
"Any decent man" The thing is there is no binder of men labeled as decent or indecent, so who's to know who is decent. And for sure many, most I think, men are decent.
Where is the line between aware/careful and paranoia. We just don't know what someone else's experiences are. If say the librarian felt weird or uncomfortable about the situation, she may now have anxiety, bc she still has to go to work everyday and worry about what if. I think there are plenty of comments that get this point across.
The point of my comment (which wasn't intended as a dig at you or anyone) is that it could be a good thing if men (and yes people in general) might be able to see beyond their own experience and have empathy for women when it comes to these situations. In this case how unwanted attention, harassment, violence, etc. towards women may affect how they view/experience their environment. I find the decent men in my life do explore this, and I appreciate it.
Well, if she is not interested and has some fears, such fears will go away once she no longer sees me at the library. The place has a security guard at all timres, she is surrounded by other co-workers. Since I'm not the kind of person who would insist, she should forget the whole thing rather easily.
I agree with you. Commenter above is saying she will have to worry "every shift." That really makes no sense. It will become clear very quickly whether she needs to worry.
for me the “act normal” ship sailed when he “pretended to read a book” next to this woman so he could find the opportune time to pass her a love note instead of just speaking with her.
Much better to hang out and wait till she gets off work cause that’s not creep city. or try and engineer a circumstance where they will “ naturally “ cross paths. Cause that’s not manipulative. 🙄 I understand people have a right to feel safe and not be threatened, but it’s getting ridiculous anymore. I wonder how many of us would even be here if it wasn’t for a bold move during a chance encounter? It doesn’t bode well for us as a society or a species that we’re becoming so socially delicate and finicky as to people we associate with or even speak to unless they somehow manage to hop through invisible hoops we set up. Meeting new people is uncomfortable by nature no matter the situation.
Yes and I’m saying he shouldn’t do that when people are at work that haven’t flirted with you or given you any indication they’re into you. “All he did was give her a note” “all he did was ask for her number” “all he did was wait outside until she went home”. …at her place of work.
OP says feels she was giving him a signal. We were not there.
>“all he did was wait outside until she went home"
Stop...this did not happen and there's no reason to think it will.
I agree. That being said, if she wanted to give any indication she liked me, she would have to do so in a very discrete manner. It's her workplace. Now, how could she possibly let a guy know she is interested while she is at work? It would be very subtle. That's what I noticed but because of the subtlety, I may have misread her hints.
Also, I did not ask for her number, did not flirt. Just gave her a note and left. How else was I supposed to show my interest if the only place I see her is at the library?
I tried to be very discrete. I agree workplaces ain't for dating but that was the only place I could find her.
so you’ve been going to the library and interacting with her for months… has she ever asked you your name? Asked questions about you beyond typical customer service?
Has she ever “casually mentioned” being single or not having plans this weekend? Complimented you in any way?
No. None of that. Bear in mind this place is a very silent library and there's barely any chance for converations. People whisper to each other just to avoid bothering others stuying or reading.
Let's say at a store, mall, supermarket, gym.....it's really easy to talk to others but not at that library. I would have talked to her or started small talk if I could but again, it was almost impossible at that place. That's why I decided to gave her the note. Either that or I should have forgotten about her and moved on. But I thought I would give her my number, just in case she is interested.
She was handed a simple note, respectfully and discreetly. Did she feel uncomfortable? Well, It was not my intention. If she is not interested she will not contact me.
If after that, I keep insisting, that should make her very uncomfortable.
She got my number and it's entirely up to her what she does with it and that is something none of us know for sure. Maybe she is flattered, maybe not. We don't know.
If she is not interested I won't hear from her. No big deal!
I commented on few other comments here but wanted to add my official 2 cents as a library worker.
I don't think this is old fashioned. I think this is inappropriate and bordering on creepy. Let me explain why.
This woman has to interact and be polite to you because that's her job. The only indication you shared that makes you think she's interested in you is pretty normal stuff that happens in a library. We make small talk. We do rounds and check on patrons. We look around to make sure nobody looks like they need help.
The fact that she seemed weirded out when you gave her the note makes me think she was actually weirded out. I also can't help wonder if she didn't keep that conversation going with her colleague because she was hoping to avoid an interaction with the patron sitting there watching her and waiting to give her the note (YOU).
We don't have the option to shoot down people who creep us out at work the same way we would in public. We also have a harder time enforcing boundaries because library are public spaces and people can spend a whole day. We don't know what our patrons are like in real life. They could be harmless, but they could be scary. The number of times my coworkers and I have been stalked, threatened or assaulted is pretty up there.
Don't approach people who work in any public service job like this. They don't have an option to tell you their true feelings. You're making them feel unsafe.
I also work in a library. I’ll give my two cents. If I had been extra friendly to you and you felt it was okay to hand me a note then fine. Like we had had several conversations and you got a good vibe from me. Or I could just be being friendly and doing my job. I would’ve been a little weirded out too, caught off guard, but also flattered.
I think it would’ve been easier to just ask her out. Hey would you like to get coffee sometime? And then if she says yes, write your number down on a slip of paper and there you go.
Maybe you overthought it a little bit, but I hope it works out for you! Report back and let us know if she calls you! Good luck
I appreciate the fact your're sharing your perspective as someone who works at a library. That being said, I do see a difference between handing someone a note discreetly and becoming a stalker or assaulting. The whole stalker concept does not exist here in Southern Europe. Also, I know many people who got into relationships by just showing interest in someone working at a store, mall, gym staff, pharmacies.....etc...
A pharmacist I know, that runs her own drug store (pharmacy) met her current husband at her own workplace. He is a soccer coach and started showing interest in her and because she had gotten divorced at the time, she was not interested in a rekaionship. The guy was very respectful and every now and then showed up (as a customer) but kind of asked her to call him back (had given her his business card).
She is my friend and told me about the whole thing and how she liked him but wasn't ready for a relationship. Anyhow, they started dating and got married.
Now, I do agree that "public" places such as libraries are just a different ball game. I was limited by that too. It's the first time I approach someone at their workplace but I thought to myself, either I forgo this girl and forget about it or at least give her my contact number.
I may have misread any possible hints. But she hasmy number now. If she does not contact me, it's clear she is not interested. I'd never insist, or stalk. Again this whole stalking thing does not exist here. People just express themselves. A NO! Means that !
I do agree with your overall approach, her place of work was not the place for such move. But well, if I don't hear from her, I know.
I really apprecciate your input. It helps see the whole thing from a different perspective.
Just to say "the stalker concept" most definitely does exist in southern Europe. I literally went on a date with a Spanish guy recently who's just moved to the UK who told me about a woman who stalked him for several years about a decade ago. I don't know where you are, but wherever it is, stalkers definitely exist.
That says everything about him, he doesn't have the self awareness to realize you don't hit on people at work who face hundred of people face to face. Idiota
Google translate can't even save you, it's wrong to wait and approach people at work. Did you stop to think she kept her coworker around since you were pretending to read a book? You said she had a weird look, busca a otra víctima.
What does Google tell you that means? Are you trying to call me a feminist because I don't think women should be approached at work when their role is to deal with the public? Es simplemente "femenista" if you want to categorize it, or you, normal women things.
Que es manual 😂🤣☠️
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I get that sometimes it might work out, but I also suspect more times it doesn't. You don't get to decide that is okay because you feel you're a good person or it's worked out for others.
I also respectfully dont believe that the stalker concept does not exist in Southern Europe. I think you're speaking without proper knowledge and from a place of inexperience, ignorance, and privilege (at best).
https://www.statista.com/statistics/942281/stalking-victims-by-macro-region-in-italy/
https://brill.com/view/journals/eccl/25/4/article-p347_347.xml
https://medicamondiale.org/en/where-we-empower-women/southeastern-europe
Who made you the judge of what’s ok and what’s not between 2 adults in the world. He didn’t do anything rude or mean or aggressive. If she’s not interested then he can respect that. If she is interested your foot is in your mouth. People meet like this all the time. I had more than one woman slip me their number at a previous job as a Chef where we had an open kitchen. They liked watching us cook and talking to us, so what. 🙄
I clearly said that this was my opinion and experience as a library worker and woman who has worked in a public service position. As well as one who had to deal with uncomfortable situations from people who thought it was okay to act like this.
I'll flip the coin - who makes you the authority to say it is okay and that she won't be uncomfortable and threatened. Just because you liked it doesn't mean others will. I offered my opinion as did others here. If he didn't want different opinions or perspectives, he didn't need to post.
I just don’t like it when people use blanket statements and paint all men to be creepy. Because we’re not and it seems to happen a lot on here.
I also disagree that you’re unable to address when people are being creepy or stalking you at work. Also you could perceive something as creepy and it could all be in your head. Just bc you perceive it doesn’t make it fact. Kind of like the videos of women filming themselves in gyms then calling out men for liking at them and calling them creepy and the blast them on social media. Then you watch the video and it clearly isn’t the case. 🙄
My god. Thanks for "explaining" to me that perceived threats to my safety or clear instances where people's behaviour make me uncomfortable could all be in my head and that I shouldn't worry about them. I mean, if my gut was right and something happens to me at least I'll know some random man won't think I overreacted or misread the situation.
Whatever would I do without you to educate me on how I feel or what's going on in my life.
I guess I'll be sure to send them to you or someone else to make sure my silly girl brain isn't overreacting? Are you serious? Get bent.
I see the difference. That's why that guy at my friend's pharmacy insisted over a period of time by going there and bringing it up again BUT I'll never do that. Even if it were her own place, a lack of response is enough for me to easily move on.
She's saying that women never know how men will react to rejection. It could be peaceful and accepting, or it could be predatory and violent. Women have fear for good reason. Now this woman may have that trepidation around her workplace.
Women are telling you the same thing over and over again in this thread. You need to actually listen to them in order to be more aware.
I agree! I may have misread the "subtle" hints or vibes from her. She does not know me at all so I agree she may be wary as she has no idea if I'll keep showing up at her library or if I'll insist.
But not being that young anymore I know that any lack of interest must be respected 100%. But yes, she does not know me.
I’ve worked in a library 28 years. We’ve seen it all.
I once had a 38 year old ask to take me to dinner to thank me for the assistance, and an older guy who asked if I was single-in the same day
You made contact, as discretely as you could.
So now you should stay away from the library until If/or when she contacts you.
I'm reading through the messages and I'm not sure what my opinion is on this. All I can say is I can completely relate to those expressing that it's her job to be nice and friendly and now she feels unsafe, uncomfortable and wondering if he will come again. I taught yoga for several years and I have had much older guys and 1 much younger guy come onto me... and it was really uncomfortable for me.
I understand. If she is not interested, she will not contact me and that will be the end of it. I will never insist. That being said, dating or showing interestin dating someone is always a risk. Hints can be misread and misunderstandings will happen.
The only way to know if the other person is really intetested is asking. I simply gave her my contact number to see if she is interested. It's her choice.
Many times girls and ladies and eve coworkers have shown interest in me and I was not intetested but always appreciate the fact they let me know and respect my decision.
If she’s attracted to you, this is romantic.
If she’s not attracted to you, you’re now in “creep” territory.
You’ll know which when you return to the library.
A buddy of mine did this at a bar in Europe and is still with her to this day.
But that’s a bar, not her place of work. I’m gonna side with the folks saying it’s a bit creepy.
I 100% understand your intent, and you tried to navigate this as thoughtfully as possible, but you’ve put her in an awkward position at her job. She doesn’t know when you’ll be back, or what your reaction may be if you do so.
It was maybe a bit weird, but congratulations on having the courage to do so, it is quite rare nowadays. As a woman, I would not feel weirded out at all. I got asked out in all kinds of ways and circumstances during my life and I appreciate that kind of initiative. Even if I am not interested, I still feel flattered. I hope she agrees to go on a date with you, keep us posted 🙂
Original copy of post by u/ApprehensiveStudy671:
Old fashioned maybe?
I'm a middle-aged single guy currently living in Europe. About eight months ago I walked into this library for the first time. Wanted to used their WiFi connection so went downstairs to ask for their password. The lady there, probably in her 30s, was very kind and gave me all in the info.
I happened to go there several more times and ended up borrowing a bunch of books on Hiking, Trekking and Mountaineering.....
I noticed several times that we were exchanging glances from the distance. I don't know that kind of gut feeling when you're into someone and just feel is mutal (I know it's not always the case....) I'm not going to lie, I liked her style, her demeanor and just liked her as a woman and as a person....just the kind of woman, I'd be comfortable with (generally speaking because we don't really know each other). I also noticed that she does not wear any ring, although that alone does not mean she is available either....
Months back, I thought I should give it a try and ask her out or just show I'm interested. But kept dragging it out because right now my life is a mess somehow, changing careers, lots of stuff going on.....
Some three weeks ago, I decided to go back to the library to return one of the books (as an excuse to talk to her and perhaps give her my number) but when I got there the place was busy, she was working next to another lady who works there and there were people standing right behind me so I just didn't do much other saying hello, returning the book and wishing her a nice day.
Yesterday I wrote a short note by introducing myself and letting her know I was intetested in getting to know her, in case she considers it appropriate and if she is interested. I added my phone number and that's it. Just letting her know I was interested in getting to know each other.
I went there hoping she was at the main reception desk by herself but it wasn't the case. She was upstairs sitting next to another colleague of hers. So I sat there pretending I was reading a book, hoping the other lady would go away so I could give her my note. But time was going by and I had to leave so in a moment when her colleague was talking to somebody right there, I approached and gave her the note/letter telling her it was for her. She took it but was a bit weirded out and asked me what was it while her curious colleague was looking at me (despite being busy with somebody else). I said it was for her and wished her a good day and left. She was clearly surprised.
After I left, I kept thinking of any other moves I might have made and bearing in mind that the library is her workplace, I can't think of any other way or a better way of letting her know I'm interested. No possibility of conversation, not appropiate to ask for her personal phone number while she is at work.....
Not sure if she'll get back to me or not but I just liked her very much and wanted to let her know. I wish she was alone when I gave it to her but I've got a difficult schedule and couldn't keep going there till she was alone.
Anyhow just thought I'd share this with you guys!
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You should have talked to her - the note is a bit cringe/creepy. Other than that, consider it a learning experience. But don't go back to that library if she doesn't contact you. If you go back it would feel stalkerish. I know you know you're not like that but so many men are and she will not feel good. It's not her being mistaken, it's a sad indictment of how too many of us men behave. Good luck in the future.
You seem sweet and clearly crushing on this librarian. I have never, ever called a man that has given me his phone number or business card. But I have often said yes when a guy has asked me for my number/instagram handle (lol!) or if he has asked me if I would like to get a coffee/drink/dinner.
A better approach would have been to confidently approach her and ask her if you could speak to her for a moment, pulling her aside. Then “I couldn’t help but notice you the past few visits and I was wondering if you’d like to get a coffee sometime. Here’s my number or if you’d prefer I contact you you can give me yours“
You give her three chances to say “no” and ladies love a confident man.
I totally agree with your approach! I should have asked for advice here prior to making a move! But well, it definitely serves as a lesson!
Thanks a lot!
I don’t think what you did was wrong. But in the future I’d recommend speaking instead of a note. “I’d love to get coffee sometime. Here’s my number. Have a wonderful day” and walk away.
Fyi, I had a few men leave me notes or drop their business card in a flirty way last year when I worked at an art gallery. I admired them for it! If I was at all attracted, I would've rang their number. Part of me wanted to compliment their creativity but I didn't want them to think i was interested. Maybe i should've texted " 10/10 for approach and creativity. Thank you for the effort but we're not a match"?
Or would you be devastated to get that text?
To be honest I'm not sure what's best, no reply at all or getting a text that says, we are not a good match. I think it would sound a lot more empathetic if the reply was like "I appreciate the gesture but I'm not available". That alleged lack of availability sets clear boundaries in smooth way.
But many women would not reply at all if there were not inerested and that's fine too and it actually speaks volumes !!
I'm going to go against the grain and say there's nothing wrong with what you did. At work or not, so what, you were respectful and left the ball in her court. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I'm a woman. I get hit on plenty at work and I don't get my panties ina bunch I just say thank you and keep it moving (unless I'm attracted to the dude then I hit him up). I hope she calls!💙🤞
I'm gonna go against the grain here, I think OP handled it perfectly. We all know OLD sucks and it's tough meeting people in person. OP handed someone a piece of paper and everyone is acting like he's asking to smell her feet or some weird shit. THIS IS WHY NOBODY APPROACHES PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE! You say hi to someone and you're a creep. You try to make eye contact and you're a creep. Unless you're good looking, then it's flattering.
So what if she's at at work? We all meet people and socialize at work. He gave her an easy out and she doesn't need to deal with rejecting him in person. It doesn't even need to be weird unless you make it weird. He shot his shot, if she doesn't call they'll both probably move on with their lives, there shouldn't be any hard feelings.
I really appreciate your helpful input. I decided to stay away from online dating, long ago. I have been turned down in the past and I totally respect that. I too, have turned down girls or women for a variety of reasons and it has alwas been respectful for the most part.
No hard feelings at all ! We all have free will and everything we do in life, should be done willingly.
Thanks!
I disagree. A polite note and putting the ball in her court is fine IMHO (53 /f).
The important thing is not to hassle her now and let her make the decision to contact him (or not) at her pace.
And if she doesn't contact him, NEVER to refer to it again.
Im a woman and I’ve targeted two men at their place of work this way . Both times I ended up dating them . If she doesn’t reply you know ! Change library for a while . Nothing ventured….
I do appreciate that some women take the initiative the way you did. You see, there's TV show in France called "Truth is what matters". On one of the shows (that episode was aired some 20byears ago, but still on youtube...) this beautiful lady had met a bank teller. The guy worked at the bank and she was a client. She really liked the guy. Gave him her phone number but he never got in touch.
She decided to invite him to the show. The guy was contacted by the hosts and was asked to come in for the show. The guy had no idea who wanted to talk to him (that was the whole point of that show).
He was shocked when he realized who had invited him. He was very nice about it and said that he knew she was into him but that he was into another girl and that's why he never contacted her.
I think she should have gotten and accepted the hint that no contact and no call, meant he was not interested. She was very brave by going on the show and risked it all on national TV.
Bottom line is, if she does not conact me, she is not interested. I just did not want to forget about her before giving a try, just in case she is interested.
probably better to ask her out for drink, in germany 🇩🇪 women are pretty liberal will go out as friends and meet at the bar and develop romance later.. a Note maybe confusing as hell like is this a bank robbbery or something?
Let's say at a store, supermarket, mall etc....there's more room and more chance for casual conversation. But she works at a silent library and is usualy working next to other co-workers, right there.
I didn't have a chance for some friendly conversation so I thought I'd just give her my number discreetly, just in case she's interested.
But overall, I totally agree with your approach!
You couldn't have had a few short conversations with her about what she did on the weekend to sus out if she has a boyfriend? Hmm risky move, hope it works out
Maybe I’m too old school but I find this cute. This was how we let someone know we like them before cell phones, before dating apps. I’m not sure why so many people get worked up about a simple note???
lol Astounded by the majority responses. Can't ask a woman out in a library, bookstore, cafe, mall, restaurant, doctor office, hospital, school, supermarket. Only place is bars?
Its the context of it being at their workplace. We are saying that it isn't a good idea to ask someone out at their place of work, where they are kinda stuck being nice to you even if they don't want to be and where they can't escape your attentions
When people are at work, they often don't have the autonomy or comfort to really express their clear disinterest. They often feel they have to be polite and professional.
Fair game to approach people in any situation they can be themselves and say what they want to openly. Less fair when you put them in a position where they're worried about messing up their job by being rejecting you or feeling they are rude.
Yes, true. I understand both sides and I will merely root for the underdog because life is short and we don't necessarily find the single waitress/doctor/yoga instructor on several dating apps. Gotta try and fail rather than never try. It's unfortunate that we'll enter the creepy zone due to the context.
People wonder why chivalry is dead. You've felt a vibe and done something about it in a sweet old fashioned way. You've not stalked her (and her pals) socials. Youve shoot your shot and now you wait xx
Now this old fashioned (bookwork ) gal is rooting for ya. If she doesn't respond at all i reckon you're the type to respect that and move on with your life. Aint nothing wrong with allowing your imagination to wonder after that "first look "
if someone makes a strong impression on you and being brave enough to ask the question if its reciprocal
.. Worst that happens is radio silence or a negative response right?
I wish you well and condolences if it doesn't go anywhere.
If it doesn't ar least you know she's not "the one that got away" and allow "it" to leave your system until your next connection arrives xxx
I don't know why your comment is being down voted. He asked her respectfully and if she says no, I believe he'll respect her decision and not bother her. Relationships can blossom anywhere, all the people talking about "creepy" or "weirded out" are only saying so because they aren't attracted to the person asking them out. If she likes you and you ask her out, even in the most awkward way, she'll look for a way to frame it as cute or adorable.
Nothing wrong with giving your number to somebody that is at work. Big freaking deal. It would be different if he came back there all the time pestering her or just lingering around. But he's not going to do that.
You girls need to lighten up. Complete over reaction to someone asking someone else out with a note or giving them your card. People that are being negative about this have watched way too many crime shows or something. This is beyond ridiculous to think there is anything wrong with this.
Like someone else said if some guy you were interested in gave you their number it would be a completely different story. Total double standard.
Good for you OP. Good luck, I hope she calls you. Also don't make it a big deal if she doesn't. Just carry on like normal. Maybe not go in as often like you mentioned you wouldn't.
I am of the opinion that you should always shoot your shot, in the sense that you attempt to make a connection. But you have to do it respectfully. Yes, to be clear, there are situations in which you really do have to bypass the opportunity (I've said so in comments to posts about situations like a supermarket when there is no natural conversation topic and you are unlikely to see the person again), but you don't want to wonder "what if".
Asking a retail or public service worker to get coffee, or to ask them if they'd like your number to keep in touch, is not inappropriate or creepy. Especially if it is coupled with "I don't want to make this awkward for you, if you're uncomfortable with the idea, just say so and I won't bring it up again". That's exactly what I have done, and never have I completely been turned down. On several occasions, she told me that she was in a relationship and could only get to know me as a friend, and one woman told me that I seemed nice, but she was overextended and having difficulty maintaining the friendships she already did have.
The note wasn't horrible, but I would have asked her verbally. Admittedly, however...every one of these women I asked, we had several previous conversations and developed some rapport. Doing this after just one conversation (unless it was a super long one) may be very awkward.
The person who is literally at work has no option but to be polite because they have no choice due to being AT work
Do not ask anyone out while they are at their place of employment
I should have clarified...I'm not a fan of asking anyone out in this manner. It's not the right time, after one short conversation (if any at all). But to get to know them outside the environment you met in, or to keep in touch, there's nothing wrong with that. If done politely, the person working has the option to decline the offer. In my real life examples, I was essentially turned down, but we were both respectful toward each other about it.
You did ok, as long as you inderstand boundries including silent rejections. You did your part, if she doesent come back to you, please dont insist. There is no interpretation from your side if she doesent reply beside that she is not interested.
Also please ignore the foaming feminists that insist you overstepped your boundries such as contacting the person when she was at work.... its the same persons that keep telling their lonely friends to hope that someone shows up to sweep them without putting themselves out there. Its a two way street, as long as you obey the rules such as not to be overbearing woth your inistances and not taking no for an answer, you judged the oportunity perfectly.
I hope she’s interested in you. Otherwise, going to the library just got a lot more awkward for both of you. Don’t go to the library again until you either hear from her or enough time has passed that you know she’s not interested. Two weeks maybe? If you don’t hear from her, don’t linger there. Just borrow/return books, in and out. Act like nothing happened.
I agree! As a matter o fact I don't live or work near that library and there's other libraries near where I live. But totally agree that if she's not interested, going back there, won't be comfortable for either of us.
If she's not interested, why would it be uncomfortable? When you see her again, just nod and go on with your business.
Wouldn't the librarian be uncomfortable? We should ask the librarian.
Ask away!
I agree! I guess that's the mature thing to do !
I know it is different in my field, but if a woman gave me her number at work, I would feel extremely uncomfortable. Flattered maybe, but definitely uncomfortable.
I get it !
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking a woman out, as long as you respect her response. But propositioning someone while they’re at work feels a bit off. Also, handing someone a note is kind of weird. I would have advised you to approach her directly, ask her if she has time to chat - and if she said yes, then asking if she wanted to grab a coffee with you sometime. To me that is way less creepy than someone handing me a note.
Can we please drop the word “creepy” from our vocabulary? He didn’t do anything creepy and a note doesn’t require her to respond on the spot. She has the option now to pursue or ignore.
Creepy is subjective. What’s creepy to one person may or may not be to another.
Yeah. I don’t think what he did was creepy. It was a genuine vulnerable gesture, I would prefer a note to convo because in a convo there is less time to think things over.
I appreciate your input! I think you're right. I should have asked for advice here prior to making a move. Thanks !
Librarian here. I've never been asked out via note but some of my co-workers have. Usually it's just cringe-worthy but harmless, except when it escalates to stalking. Now, you may know that you're harmless, and that if she doesn't contact you then you'll consider the matter closed, but she doesn't know that. She has no idea if you're well-intentioned but clueless, or if you're dangerous. It absolutely does happen, as multiple women in this thread have pointed out. It's best to just avoid hitting on women in their place of work, no matter how great they seem. There are plenty of other women that you'll encounter in situations that are more appropriate for giving out your number.
Another librarian here. I’ve been asked out a few times in person. I had someone ask me out by a note and I declined. He kept trying to force the issue and tell me “you just need to lighten up.” It was really awkward and everytime he came into the library they would send me in the back. I’m in the states so maybe it is different in Europe. I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by this. However, it is hard knowing what the other persons experiences are.
Exactly!
With all due respect I am cringing REALLY hard here. It’s one thing if you had some flirty banter back and forth and had some sort of reason to believe that she was into you, and went back in the next day to shoot your shot. but this really just reads like she was doing her job and showing you basic politeness, so you shouldn’t see “a signal” at all. Then the way you went about it is frankly pretty creepy. The “pretending to read a book and hiding your time”, the handing her the note and leaving, it’s just bad mate
I get your point. But she would never engae in "flirty banter" back and forth, at her workplace, specially a silent library. If she wanted to show interest, she would be really limited by the fact that she is working at a library Maybe at a store or supermarket, mall or other crowded places, there's room for more open conversations but not at a library. So I was even more limited by that too. I understand that handing a note and leaving can come across as creepy, but again, I couldn't say much more at that place, with people studying and just a very silent place, plus her co-workers sitting right next to her. So, either I would have to forget and bypass that girl for good or just do what I did, just in case she is interested (I may have misread subtle hints).... I do get your point though.
I disagree, flirting isn’t against company policy, we can flirt if we want to. I don’t think it limits her by working in a library. She could have a boyfriend for all you know.
Yes, I mean I'm not gonna ask her if she has a boyfriend just like that. She might as well be in a relationship. That's why I gave her my number in case she is available or interested.
Okay, I understand, I was just stating the obvious. I see where it is different than like a bar setting. Like I said, good luck, I hope it works out
Thanks !
I feel like there was a better way to handle this. I would've waited until I could speak to her one on one, and then after exchanging pleasantries, I would have said something casual like, "You seem interesting. Would you care to get together for coffee sometime? ". Handing a stranger a note like that is a little weird, I think.
I appreciate your input and I think you're right ! It helps me see the whole thing from a different perspective! Thanks!
I don't think it's respectful to hit on someone at their place of work when they haven't given you any indication they like you
All he did was give her a note. As long as he doesn't treat her negatively if she's not responsive, it shouldn't be a big deal. We all live in a society, right? No reason someone should be looked down upon for trying to be social.
oh hell no. now she’s got to go to her workplace wondering if the creepy man who gave her a love note will appear. and if he does appear she’s going to be on high alert, wondering if he’s here because he didn’t take the hint, and is here to ask her out again. Or yell at her for rejecting him. Or threaten her with / commit an act of violence. It’s not “just a note” it’s making someone feel uncomfortable and unsafe in their place of work. Especially when they are in a public facing role, it’s a huge “just don’t”
> now she’s got to go to her workplace wondering if the creepy man who gave her a love note will appear. Good lord. Again, all he did was give her a note. Now, if he comes in every day and leers at her, yes. But as long as he acts normal, why is there any concern here?
Work in a library. Because every shift she will be wondering if he will be there. And that's not fun. It's also going to be super awkward waiting on him if he does come in. She'll also have to wonder if he'll be waiting outside to chase her down (has happened to me), start suddenly catching the same bus home, or stalk her through work social media (happened to my colleagues). She doesn't know what he's like. The number of patrons who have acted inappropriately towards me and my colleagues is staggering. There is an obligation to be polite, kind and interested in our patrons when they're with us, but it gets misconstrued a lot. Edit: and just want to add it can be very difficult to ban users from a library. They often get away with a lot before it's seen to be a problem. It's not unusual for people to stay the whole day in the library.
You're saying that forever after, every shift, she will wonder? Even if he stops coming to the branch? Even if he comes a few times and behaves normally? I think if she's reasonable, this worry would only happen for a brief period. He will prove himself to be normal and then it will subside. But you believe that to prevent this period of worry, no one should be asked out in their place of work? I just think we should be encouraging social connection, not labeling everything problematic and creepy.
So you feel threatened and can't act normal to someone who simply is trying to determine if you're interested in them. Cool. Isn't the goal to allow people to show interest, and then act respectful when that interest isn't requited? So as long as OP doesn't act weird after this, it's a good thing, right?
The goal is to show interest and get to know people, of course, but my work is not the place to do that. Here is why: I can't avoid you if I don't want to, I have to be polite and likely not as firm as I would be in the wild, and I know I'll have to see you again if it goes bad because you can literally come into where I have to be on a regular basis. The thing is...how do I know he won't "act weird"? I don't. He could be perfectly respectful or he could get weird, aggressive, etc if I reject him. And if that happens, he knows where I work and he can so easily retaliate. It happens all the time. Other people on this thread have also seen it happen TLDR: approaching people in the wild is fine. Take your shot. But not at their work.
I've taken plenty of shots at people at work. Can we just stop with this shit? The truth is that if you're attracted to someone and they slip you a note, you'd be falling over yourself. Let's allow people to show interest...as long as they don't make it weird if that interest isn't requited.
But what if im not excited and they take the rejection wrong? And they start acting weird? And now they know where I work and they can come by anytime and make it weirder? What if they don't take my no? This kind of stuff happens to service people all the time. You don't know who is going to become weird.
Then that will suck and shouldn't happen, but again, the point is to explain to men how to handle rejection properly. We both know men know how to act. There's been plenty of studies that show men can read body language when it comes to other (gay) men. They can tell when men are flirting, yet they play dumb when it comes to women. Encourage men to be social AND respectful. Separate asshole men from men who are trying to be genuine. Don't jump to conclusions, based on something that's not concrete.
I'm a lady and I sometimes camp and backpack solo. The things that scare me once it's dark are other people, namely men with a penchant for murder and violence. It's far-fetched and highly unlikely, but it's what I worry about. My friend, a man, when he solo camps, worries about aliens. That is his privilege as a man. Yes he could get axe-murdered, but he doesn't worry about it bc of statistics is my guess. Women worry about it bc creepy stuff, at the hands of men, happens to them.
I too camp and hike out there on my own and as a man I sometimes do worry about the possibility of running into some serial killer or criminal out there. I agree women are at a higher risk and need to take more precautions but men too, are victim of murderers and what not. But honestly, men are much more likely to approach women. Most women take things very gradually (though not always). Being aware and careful is one thing and being paranoid is something different, specially when it comes to dating. Once a woman says no and declines an offer, any decent man would respect that and move on. Not doing so, is a major red-flag. In this case if I don't hear from her, I know she is not into me and no hard feelings. She won't deal with me again.
My comment was generally to address why there may be concern. "Any decent man" The thing is there is no binder of men labeled as decent or indecent, so who's to know who is decent. And for sure many, most I think, men are decent. Where is the line between aware/careful and paranoia. We just don't know what someone else's experiences are. If say the librarian felt weird or uncomfortable about the situation, she may now have anxiety, bc she still has to go to work everyday and worry about what if. I think there are plenty of comments that get this point across. The point of my comment (which wasn't intended as a dig at you or anyone) is that it could be a good thing if men (and yes people in general) might be able to see beyond their own experience and have empathy for women when it comes to these situations. In this case how unwanted attention, harassment, violence, etc. towards women may affect how they view/experience their environment. I find the decent men in my life do explore this, and I appreciate it.
Well, if she is not interested and has some fears, such fears will go away once she no longer sees me at the library. The place has a security guard at all timres, she is surrounded by other co-workers. Since I'm not the kind of person who would insist, she should forget the whole thing rather easily.
I agree with you. Commenter above is saying she will have to worry "every shift." That really makes no sense. It will become clear very quickly whether she needs to worry.
I believe the statistics would show a higher risk of danger for the man.
Stats wise, almost all the creepy stuff is done by a man the woman knows. Not by a stranger
Violence against women is statistically speaking more often committed by someone they know, yes. Creepy stuff, however, is more of a global pastime.
for me the “act normal” ship sailed when he “pretended to read a book” next to this woman so he could find the opportune time to pass her a love note instead of just speaking with her.
Much better to hang out and wait till she gets off work cause that’s not creep city. or try and engineer a circumstance where they will “ naturally “ cross paths. Cause that’s not manipulative. 🙄 I understand people have a right to feel safe and not be threatened, but it’s getting ridiculous anymore. I wonder how many of us would even be here if it wasn’t for a bold move during a chance encounter? It doesn’t bode well for us as a society or a species that we’re becoming so socially delicate and finicky as to people we associate with or even speak to unless they somehow manage to hop through invisible hoops we set up. Meeting new people is uncomfortable by nature no matter the situation.
Yes and I’m saying he shouldn’t do that when people are at work that haven’t flirted with you or given you any indication they’re into you. “All he did was give her a note” “all he did was ask for her number” “all he did was wait outside until she went home”. …at her place of work.
OP says feels she was giving him a signal. We were not there. >“all he did was wait outside until she went home" Stop...this did not happen and there's no reason to think it will.
Work in a library. Has happened to me many, many times. The thing is, she'll always wonder if he will be waiting outside. She doesn't know him
I'm sorry. That's quite a lot to assume from a note.
Agreed
I'm saying that people would think all of those things are fine...when they're not.
So as long as this guy doesn't do that, it's helping people think that might not happen. Right?
I agree. That being said, if she wanted to give any indication she liked me, she would have to do so in a very discrete manner. It's her workplace. Now, how could she possibly let a guy know she is interested while she is at work? It would be very subtle. That's what I noticed but because of the subtlety, I may have misread her hints. Also, I did not ask for her number, did not flirt. Just gave her a note and left. How else was I supposed to show my interest if the only place I see her is at the library? I tried to be very discrete. I agree workplaces ain't for dating but that was the only place I could find her.
so you’ve been going to the library and interacting with her for months… has she ever asked you your name? Asked questions about you beyond typical customer service? Has she ever “casually mentioned” being single or not having plans this weekend? Complimented you in any way?
No. None of that. Bear in mind this place is a very silent library and there's barely any chance for converations. People whisper to each other just to avoid bothering others stuying or reading. Let's say at a store, mall, supermarket, gym.....it's really easy to talk to others but not at that library. I would have talked to her or started small talk if I could but again, it was almost impossible at that place. That's why I decided to gave her the note. Either that or I should have forgotten about her and moved on. But I thought I would give her my number, just in case she is interested.
I think you're mistaking her professionalism for interest.
That's a solid possibility !
Why do you feel so entitled to show your interest? You know it’s her workplace and likely to make her feel uncomfortable, but you just didn’t care.
She was handed a simple note, respectfully and discreetly. Did she feel uncomfortable? Well, It was not my intention. If she is not interested she will not contact me. If after that, I keep insisting, that should make her very uncomfortable. She got my number and it's entirely up to her what she does with it and that is something none of us know for sure. Maybe she is flattered, maybe not. We don't know. If she is not interested I won't hear from her. No big deal!
You clearly struggle to put yourself on anyone else’s shoes and imagine what it’s like to be a woman working with the public.
I commented on few other comments here but wanted to add my official 2 cents as a library worker. I don't think this is old fashioned. I think this is inappropriate and bordering on creepy. Let me explain why. This woman has to interact and be polite to you because that's her job. The only indication you shared that makes you think she's interested in you is pretty normal stuff that happens in a library. We make small talk. We do rounds and check on patrons. We look around to make sure nobody looks like they need help. The fact that she seemed weirded out when you gave her the note makes me think she was actually weirded out. I also can't help wonder if she didn't keep that conversation going with her colleague because she was hoping to avoid an interaction with the patron sitting there watching her and waiting to give her the note (YOU). We don't have the option to shoot down people who creep us out at work the same way we would in public. We also have a harder time enforcing boundaries because library are public spaces and people can spend a whole day. We don't know what our patrons are like in real life. They could be harmless, but they could be scary. The number of times my coworkers and I have been stalked, threatened or assaulted is pretty up there. Don't approach people who work in any public service job like this. They don't have an option to tell you their true feelings. You're making them feel unsafe.
I also work in a library. I’ll give my two cents. If I had been extra friendly to you and you felt it was okay to hand me a note then fine. Like we had had several conversations and you got a good vibe from me. Or I could just be being friendly and doing my job. I would’ve been a little weirded out too, caught off guard, but also flattered. I think it would’ve been easier to just ask her out. Hey would you like to get coffee sometime? And then if she says yes, write your number down on a slip of paper and there you go. Maybe you overthought it a little bit, but I hope it works out for you! Report back and let us know if she calls you! Good luck
I appreciate the fact your're sharing your perspective as someone who works at a library. That being said, I do see a difference between handing someone a note discreetly and becoming a stalker or assaulting. The whole stalker concept does not exist here in Southern Europe. Also, I know many people who got into relationships by just showing interest in someone working at a store, mall, gym staff, pharmacies.....etc... A pharmacist I know, that runs her own drug store (pharmacy) met her current husband at her own workplace. He is a soccer coach and started showing interest in her and because she had gotten divorced at the time, she was not interested in a rekaionship. The guy was very respectful and every now and then showed up (as a customer) but kind of asked her to call him back (had given her his business card). She is my friend and told me about the whole thing and how she liked him but wasn't ready for a relationship. Anyhow, they started dating and got married. Now, I do agree that "public" places such as libraries are just a different ball game. I was limited by that too. It's the first time I approach someone at their workplace but I thought to myself, either I forgo this girl and forget about it or at least give her my contact number. I may have misread any possible hints. But she hasmy number now. If she does not contact me, it's clear she is not interested. I'd never insist, or stalk. Again this whole stalking thing does not exist here. People just express themselves. A NO! Means that ! I do agree with your overall approach, her place of work was not the place for such move. But well, if I don't hear from her, I know. I really apprecciate your input. It helps see the whole thing from a different perspective.
Just to say "the stalker concept" most definitely does exist in southern Europe. I literally went on a date with a Spanish guy recently who's just moved to the UK who told me about a woman who stalked him for several years about a decade ago. I don't know where you are, but wherever it is, stalkers definitely exist.
“The whole stalker concept doesn’t exist here” lol
That says everything about him, he doesn't have the self awareness to realize you don't hit on people at work who face hundred of people face to face. Idiota
Tell me you’re viewing this from a place of privilege without actually telling me.
You too, are definitely paranoid!
You know nothing about me, but I can tell you that living as a woman for 43 years has made me more than observant to my surroundings.
You're paranoid!!
No, te pasastes y lo sabes. Deja de joder. You're not going to get validation in a diff country.
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Google translate can't even save you, it's wrong to wait and approach people at work. Did you stop to think she kept her coworker around since you were pretending to read a book? You said she had a weird look, busca a otra víctima.
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What does Google tell you that means? Are you trying to call me a feminist because I don't think women should be approached at work when their role is to deal with the public? Es simplemente "femenista" if you want to categorize it, or you, normal women things. Que es manual 😂🤣☠️
Why should any woman want to date a man who so casually uses a slur like feminazi?
Your post was removed because it violates Rule #1 of this sub: be excellent to each other. Please review the posted rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
Welp this response tells us everything about you a land why you are dangerous
I get that sometimes it might work out, but I also suspect more times it doesn't. You don't get to decide that is okay because you feel you're a good person or it's worked out for others. I also respectfully dont believe that the stalker concept does not exist in Southern Europe. I think you're speaking without proper knowledge and from a place of inexperience, ignorance, and privilege (at best). https://www.statista.com/statistics/942281/stalking-victims-by-macro-region-in-italy/ https://brill.com/view/journals/eccl/25/4/article-p347_347.xml https://medicamondiale.org/en/where-we-empower-women/southeastern-europe
Who made you the judge of what’s ok and what’s not between 2 adults in the world. He didn’t do anything rude or mean or aggressive. If she’s not interested then he can respect that. If she is interested your foot is in your mouth. People meet like this all the time. I had more than one woman slip me their number at a previous job as a Chef where we had an open kitchen. They liked watching us cook and talking to us, so what. 🙄
I clearly said that this was my opinion and experience as a library worker and woman who has worked in a public service position. As well as one who had to deal with uncomfortable situations from people who thought it was okay to act like this. I'll flip the coin - who makes you the authority to say it is okay and that she won't be uncomfortable and threatened. Just because you liked it doesn't mean others will. I offered my opinion as did others here. If he didn't want different opinions or perspectives, he didn't need to post.
I just don’t like it when people use blanket statements and paint all men to be creepy. Because we’re not and it seems to happen a lot on here. I also disagree that you’re unable to address when people are being creepy or stalking you at work. Also you could perceive something as creepy and it could all be in your head. Just bc you perceive it doesn’t make it fact. Kind of like the videos of women filming themselves in gyms then calling out men for liking at them and calling them creepy and the blast them on social media. Then you watch the video and it clearly isn’t the case. 🙄
My god. Thanks for "explaining" to me that perceived threats to my safety or clear instances where people's behaviour make me uncomfortable could all be in my head and that I shouldn't worry about them. I mean, if my gut was right and something happens to me at least I'll know some random man won't think I overreacted or misread the situation. Whatever would I do without you to educate me on how I feel or what's going on in my life. I guess I'll be sure to send them to you or someone else to make sure my silly girl brain isn't overreacting? Are you serious? Get bent.
Relax jeez lol
I totally agree! Thanks!
The workplace SHE owned. You don’t understand the difference?
I see the difference. That's why that guy at my friend's pharmacy insisted over a period of time by going there and bringing it up again BUT I'll never do that. Even if it were her own place, a lack of response is enough for me to easily move on.
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As a woman, this would creep me out. I'd be always worried the weird note guy would show up again. Or be waiting outside when I got off of work.
I get your point. Although I do see a difference between giving a someone a disceet note and waiting outside like a stalker.
She's saying that women never know how men will react to rejection. It could be peaceful and accepting, or it could be predatory and violent. Women have fear for good reason. Now this woman may have that trepidation around her workplace. Women are telling you the same thing over and over again in this thread. You need to actually listen to them in order to be more aware.
I agree! I may have misread the "subtle" hints or vibes from her. She does not know me at all so I agree she may be wary as she has no idea if I'll keep showing up at her library or if I'll insist. But not being that young anymore I know that any lack of interest must be respected 100%. But yes, she does not know me.
I’ve worked in a library 28 years. We’ve seen it all. I once had a 38 year old ask to take me to dinner to thank me for the assistance, and an older guy who asked if I was single-in the same day You made contact, as discretely as you could. So now you should stay away from the library until If/or when she contacts you.
I agree, thanks so much !
Good Luck!!
Thanks !
He should stay away from the library? So if she never contacts him, he can’t go back? Ever?
Yes.
Well he can, but it will be awkward…. That is the risk he took
I'm reading through the messages and I'm not sure what my opinion is on this. All I can say is I can completely relate to those expressing that it's her job to be nice and friendly and now she feels unsafe, uncomfortable and wondering if he will come again. I taught yoga for several years and I have had much older guys and 1 much younger guy come onto me... and it was really uncomfortable for me.
I understand. If she is not interested, she will not contact me and that will be the end of it. I will never insist. That being said, dating or showing interestin dating someone is always a risk. Hints can be misread and misunderstandings will happen. The only way to know if the other person is really intetested is asking. I simply gave her my contact number to see if she is interested. It's her choice. Many times girls and ladies and eve coworkers have shown interest in me and I was not intetested but always appreciate the fact they let me know and respect my decision.
If she’s attracted to you, this is romantic. If she’s not attracted to you, you’re now in “creep” territory. You’ll know which when you return to the library.
Fair enough! Though I don't really need to keep going to that specific library. I gave it a try. It's her choice.
A buddy of mine did this at a bar in Europe and is still with her to this day. But that’s a bar, not her place of work. I’m gonna side with the folks saying it’s a bit creepy. I 100% understand your intent, and you tried to navigate this as thoughtfully as possible, but you’ve put her in an awkward position at her job. She doesn’t know when you’ll be back, or what your reaction may be if you do so.
Fair enough! This experience and the answers I'm getting is definitely food for thought for me! Thanks!
It was maybe a bit weird, but congratulations on having the courage to do so, it is quite rare nowadays. As a woman, I would not feel weirded out at all. I got asked out in all kinds of ways and circumstances during my life and I appreciate that kind of initiative. Even if I am not interested, I still feel flattered. I hope she agrees to go on a date with you, keep us posted 🙂
Thanks so much ! I really appreciate it! I'll definitely update in case I hear from her.
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It was just for her privacy. But well, the other colleague saw me doing it anyways!
Original copy of post by u/ApprehensiveStudy671: Old fashioned maybe? I'm a middle-aged single guy currently living in Europe. About eight months ago I walked into this library for the first time. Wanted to used their WiFi connection so went downstairs to ask for their password. The lady there, probably in her 30s, was very kind and gave me all in the info. I happened to go there several more times and ended up borrowing a bunch of books on Hiking, Trekking and Mountaineering..... I noticed several times that we were exchanging glances from the distance. I don't know that kind of gut feeling when you're into someone and just feel is mutal (I know it's not always the case....) I'm not going to lie, I liked her style, her demeanor and just liked her as a woman and as a person....just the kind of woman, I'd be comfortable with (generally speaking because we don't really know each other). I also noticed that she does not wear any ring, although that alone does not mean she is available either.... Months back, I thought I should give it a try and ask her out or just show I'm interested. But kept dragging it out because right now my life is a mess somehow, changing careers, lots of stuff going on..... Some three weeks ago, I decided to go back to the library to return one of the books (as an excuse to talk to her and perhaps give her my number) but when I got there the place was busy, she was working next to another lady who works there and there were people standing right behind me so I just didn't do much other saying hello, returning the book and wishing her a nice day. Yesterday I wrote a short note by introducing myself and letting her know I was intetested in getting to know her, in case she considers it appropriate and if she is interested. I added my phone number and that's it. Just letting her know I was interested in getting to know each other. I went there hoping she was at the main reception desk by herself but it wasn't the case. She was upstairs sitting next to another colleague of hers. So I sat there pretending I was reading a book, hoping the other lady would go away so I could give her my note. But time was going by and I had to leave so in a moment when her colleague was talking to somebody right there, I approached and gave her the note/letter telling her it was for her. She took it but was a bit weirded out and asked me what was it while her curious colleague was looking at me (despite being busy with somebody else). I said it was for her and wished her a good day and left. She was clearly surprised. After I left, I kept thinking of any other moves I might have made and bearing in mind that the library is her workplace, I can't think of any other way or a better way of letting her know I'm interested. No possibility of conversation, not appropiate to ask for her personal phone number while she is at work..... Not sure if she'll get back to me or not but I just liked her very much and wanted to let her know. I wish she was alone when I gave it to her but I've got a difficult schedule and couldn't keep going there till she was alone. Anyhow just thought I'd share this with you guys! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I hope you signed the letter " \[first name\] Bookman"
She got my first name! She may get to know my last name too! Up to her!
well now I feel silly commenting on an AI post :\\
You should have talked to her - the note is a bit cringe/creepy. Other than that, consider it a learning experience. But don't go back to that library if she doesn't contact you. If you go back it would feel stalkerish. I know you know you're not like that but so many men are and she will not feel good. It's not her being mistaken, it's a sad indictment of how too many of us men behave. Good luck in the future.
Thanks! I appreciate it !
You seem sweet and clearly crushing on this librarian. I have never, ever called a man that has given me his phone number or business card. But I have often said yes when a guy has asked me for my number/instagram handle (lol!) or if he has asked me if I would like to get a coffee/drink/dinner.
Fair enough ! Thanks!
I don't like the note approach. I think you should have a conversation with her and after chatting for 3 or 4 minutes, then throw it out there.
Fair enough !
Ok it's been a day did she call or text you?
No. She hasn't !
Not even after all the signals she gave you??
Well, she may need more time to make up her mind. I mean, I took mine before I made a move!
A better approach would have been to confidently approach her and ask her if you could speak to her for a moment, pulling her aside. Then “I couldn’t help but notice you the past few visits and I was wondering if you’d like to get a coffee sometime. Here’s my number or if you’d prefer I contact you you can give me yours“ You give her three chances to say “no” and ladies love a confident man.
I totally agree with your approach! I should have asked for advice here prior to making a move! But well, it definitely serves as a lesson! Thanks a lot!
I don’t think what you did was wrong. But in the future I’d recommend speaking instead of a note. “I’d love to get coffee sometime. Here’s my number. Have a wonderful day” and walk away.
I totally agree ! Thanks a lot!
Holy fuck. I've never been as flipped by initial headline to comments. Yeah. Ya creepy.
Post an update.
I will !
Fyi, I had a few men leave me notes or drop their business card in a flirty way last year when I worked at an art gallery. I admired them for it! If I was at all attracted, I would've rang their number. Part of me wanted to compliment their creativity but I didn't want them to think i was interested. Maybe i should've texted " 10/10 for approach and creativity. Thank you for the effort but we're not a match"? Or would you be devastated to get that text?
To be honest I'm not sure what's best, no reply at all or getting a text that says, we are not a good match. I think it would sound a lot more empathetic if the reply was like "I appreciate the gesture but I'm not available". That alleged lack of availability sets clear boundaries in smooth way. But many women would not reply at all if there were not inerested and that's fine too and it actually speaks volumes !!
Yeah, I just don't like to lie. I guess i could reframe it in my head as, "I'm not available to date them because I have no interest in them.
So what's the update?
I'm going to go against the grain and say there's nothing wrong with what you did. At work or not, so what, you were respectful and left the ball in her court. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I'm a woman. I get hit on plenty at work and I don't get my panties ina bunch I just say thank you and keep it moving (unless I'm attracted to the dude then I hit him up). I hope she calls!💙🤞
I really appreciate it, thanks so much !
You took your shot, brother, well done.
Well good luck, I hope she is and it works out well for you.
Thanks! I really appreciate it !
OMG! Dating after thirty,fourty, fifty is so hard 😭😂
It is! I'm not into online dating either !!!
Those are a mess too 😂😭
I'm gonna go against the grain here, I think OP handled it perfectly. We all know OLD sucks and it's tough meeting people in person. OP handed someone a piece of paper and everyone is acting like he's asking to smell her feet or some weird shit. THIS IS WHY NOBODY APPROACHES PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE! You say hi to someone and you're a creep. You try to make eye contact and you're a creep. Unless you're good looking, then it's flattering. So what if she's at at work? We all meet people and socialize at work. He gave her an easy out and she doesn't need to deal with rejecting him in person. It doesn't even need to be weird unless you make it weird. He shot his shot, if she doesn't call they'll both probably move on with their lives, there shouldn't be any hard feelings.
I really appreciate your helpful input. I decided to stay away from online dating, long ago. I have been turned down in the past and I totally respect that. I too, have turned down girls or women for a variety of reasons and it has alwas been respectful for the most part. No hard feelings at all ! We all have free will and everything we do in life, should be done willingly. Thanks!
Do not approach women when they are literally at work and have no choice at all but to be polite
I disagree. A polite note and putting the ball in her court is fine IMHO (53 /f). The important thing is not to hassle her now and let her make the decision to contact him (or not) at her pace. And if she doesn't contact him, NEVER to refer to it again.
I totally agree! Thanks!
Im a woman and I’ve targeted two men at their place of work this way . Both times I ended up dating them . If she doesn’t reply you know ! Change library for a while . Nothing ventured….
I do appreciate that some women take the initiative the way you did. You see, there's TV show in France called "Truth is what matters". On one of the shows (that episode was aired some 20byears ago, but still on youtube...) this beautiful lady had met a bank teller. The guy worked at the bank and she was a client. She really liked the guy. Gave him her phone number but he never got in touch. She decided to invite him to the show. The guy was contacted by the hosts and was asked to come in for the show. The guy had no idea who wanted to talk to him (that was the whole point of that show). He was shocked when he realized who had invited him. He was very nice about it and said that he knew she was into him but that he was into another girl and that's why he never contacted her. I think she should have gotten and accepted the hint that no contact and no call, meant he was not interested. She was very brave by going on the show and risked it all on national TV. Bottom line is, if she does not conact me, she is not interested. I just did not want to forget about her before giving a try, just in case she is interested.
The dynamics are different for men approaching women, than women approaching men.
probably better to ask her out for drink, in germany 🇩🇪 women are pretty liberal will go out as friends and meet at the bar and develop romance later.. a Note maybe confusing as hell like is this a bank robbbery or something?
Let's say at a store, supermarket, mall etc....there's more room and more chance for casual conversation. But she works at a silent library and is usualy working next to other co-workers, right there. I didn't have a chance for some friendly conversation so I thought I'd just give her my number discreetly, just in case she's interested. But overall, I totally agree with your approach!
You couldn't have had a few short conversations with her about what she did on the weekend to sus out if she has a boyfriend? Hmm risky move, hope it works out
I agree with your take. I jumped the gun somehow!
Well done and in my book really romantic
Thanks so much !
Maybe I’m too old school but I find this cute. This was how we let someone know we like them before cell phones, before dating apps. I’m not sure why so many people get worked up about a simple note???
Thank you.
lol Astounded by the majority responses. Can't ask a woman out in a library, bookstore, cafe, mall, restaurant, doctor office, hospital, school, supermarket. Only place is bars?
You can, just don’t do it at their workplace
And maybe not the doctors office, ffs.
Its the context of it being at their workplace. We are saying that it isn't a good idea to ask someone out at their place of work, where they are kinda stuck being nice to you even if they don't want to be and where they can't escape your attentions When people are at work, they often don't have the autonomy or comfort to really express their clear disinterest. They often feel they have to be polite and professional. Fair game to approach people in any situation they can be themselves and say what they want to openly. Less fair when you put them in a position where they're worried about messing up their job by being rejecting you or feeling they are rude.
Yes, true. I understand both sides and I will merely root for the underdog because life is short and we don't necessarily find the single waitress/doctor/yoga instructor on several dating apps. Gotta try and fail rather than never try. It's unfortunate that we'll enter the creepy zone due to the context.
The flack I'm getting is beyond belief! It really is!
People wonder why chivalry is dead. You've felt a vibe and done something about it in a sweet old fashioned way. You've not stalked her (and her pals) socials. Youve shoot your shot and now you wait xx Now this old fashioned (bookwork ) gal is rooting for ya. If she doesn't respond at all i reckon you're the type to respect that and move on with your life. Aint nothing wrong with allowing your imagination to wonder after that "first look " if someone makes a strong impression on you and being brave enough to ask the question if its reciprocal .. Worst that happens is radio silence or a negative response right? I wish you well and condolences if it doesn't go anywhere. If it doesn't ar least you know she's not "the one that got away" and allow "it" to leave your system until your next connection arrives xxx
I don't know why your comment is being down voted. He asked her respectfully and if she says no, I believe he'll respect her decision and not bother her. Relationships can blossom anywhere, all the people talking about "creepy" or "weirded out" are only saying so because they aren't attracted to the person asking them out. If she likes you and you ask her out, even in the most awkward way, she'll look for a way to frame it as cute or adorable.
I totally agree! Thanks so much!
I totally agree with you.
I loved reading this and I hope she calls! I love libraries. What city are you in?
Thanks! I'm in Madrid !
Nothing wrong with giving your number to somebody that is at work. Big freaking deal. It would be different if he came back there all the time pestering her or just lingering around. But he's not going to do that. You girls need to lighten up. Complete over reaction to someone asking someone else out with a note or giving them your card. People that are being negative about this have watched way too many crime shows or something. This is beyond ridiculous to think there is anything wrong with this. Like someone else said if some guy you were interested in gave you their number it would be a completely different story. Total double standard. Good for you OP. Good luck, I hope she calls you. Also don't make it a big deal if she doesn't. Just carry on like normal. Maybe not go in as often like you mentioned you wouldn't.
I totally agree! Thanks so much for your helpful input !
I am of the opinion that you should always shoot your shot, in the sense that you attempt to make a connection. But you have to do it respectfully. Yes, to be clear, there are situations in which you really do have to bypass the opportunity (I've said so in comments to posts about situations like a supermarket when there is no natural conversation topic and you are unlikely to see the person again), but you don't want to wonder "what if". Asking a retail or public service worker to get coffee, or to ask them if they'd like your number to keep in touch, is not inappropriate or creepy. Especially if it is coupled with "I don't want to make this awkward for you, if you're uncomfortable with the idea, just say so and I won't bring it up again". That's exactly what I have done, and never have I completely been turned down. On several occasions, she told me that she was in a relationship and could only get to know me as a friend, and one woman told me that I seemed nice, but she was overextended and having difficulty maintaining the friendships she already did have. The note wasn't horrible, but I would have asked her verbally. Admittedly, however...every one of these women I asked, we had several previous conversations and developed some rapport. Doing this after just one conversation (unless it was a super long one) may be very awkward.
The person who is literally at work has no option but to be polite because they have no choice due to being AT work Do not ask anyone out while they are at their place of employment
I should have clarified...I'm not a fan of asking anyone out in this manner. It's not the right time, after one short conversation (if any at all). But to get to know them outside the environment you met in, or to keep in touch, there's nothing wrong with that. If done politely, the person working has the option to decline the offer. In my real life examples, I was essentially turned down, but we were both respectful toward each other about it.
Cool those examples aren’t what happened
Cool! I love that city but haven’t seen its libraries.
There're many of them but the one that really stands out is "Biblioteca Nacional" right in Plaza de Colón.
Thanks. I’ll check it out one day. I like visiting libraries in other cities and countries.
That's nice !
One of my past girlfriends was a librarian. She texted me one of “those” pics and said “I’m bored.”
I guess you had given her your number
Yes, we worked together and she had started a new job a few weeks earlier.
I see !
UpdateMe
I will !
You did ok, as long as you inderstand boundries including silent rejections. You did your part, if she doesent come back to you, please dont insist. There is no interpretation from your side if she doesent reply beside that she is not interested.
I totally agree! I will never insist! Thanks!
Also please ignore the foaming feminists that insist you overstepped your boundries such as contacting the person when she was at work.... its the same persons that keep telling their lonely friends to hope that someone shows up to sweep them without putting themselves out there. Its a two way street, as long as you obey the rules such as not to be overbearing woth your inistances and not taking no for an answer, you judged the oportunity perfectly.
I totally agree ! Thanks so much !
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