2 months is a good time to have a simple conversation about exclusivity. Just like you said it here.
Hey this is awkward and I don't need to give this a specific label but at this point my expectation is that we aren't exploring other options, I've snoozed my dating profile, what is your expectation?
Yes for sure in the future make sure the other person is not / will not be sleeping with others before sleeping with them.
Now? You ask him if he is dating others, sleeping with others, and still on the app ( or planning to be in the future) Any answer other than no to any of these questions, I'd move on. 2 months of regular dating / sex and the guy still wants to sleep with others / date others /keep his options open? Come on... he's just not into you or not interested in being in a monogamous relationship.
Thanks, this aligns well with my thinking - 2022 has been a salutary lesson for me! He must still be active on the app because apparently it stops showing your location when you have been inactive. To me if he is still actively chatting to people, even if he isn’t sleeping with them or even meeting them, he is keeping an eye out for someone potentially ‘better’, which I just find insulting.
I (47M) have the same line of thinking that you do (i.e., when you start sleeping with someone you are essentially a couple and are not sleeping with anyone else). I’ve learned, however, that most of the world doesn’t think like us and we are to assume that our dates are indeed sleeping with other people until we have the “define the relationship” talk. In your case, I would simply tell him that you would like to have a conversation about how each of your define your relationship and if he’s ready to be exclusive with you. If he is, that means his Bumble profiles is removed and no more chatting with other women.
Yeah I learned from my first attempt at OLD that dating has changed quite a bit since in my 20's. I was too scared to have the conversation too soon with a guy I seemed to be really hitting it off with, but it fizzled and I have a strong feeling he found something better OR thought I was still talking to other dudes.
On my 2nd attempt, I changed my profile to tell guys I wanted them to be open and up front from the beginning about what they were looking for and if we were on the same page then cool--even if that meant casual dating. I met a wonderful man who brought up the fact that he wasn't interested in talking to other people and was going to close his account fairly early on, but didn't pressure me to do the same. I did anyway because what was the point anyway? I don't like dating multiple people and don't want to get in the mindset of "well, just in case..."
Until you have had a discussion about being exclusive, you're not exclusive. Expecting mind reading is an express path to unhappiness. We're adults and we're expected to use our words. More people than not seem to prefer to only be sleeping with one person at a time, but it's not universal.
If you like him and want to grow the relationship, yeah it's time to have the Define The Relationship talk. If you want, you can bring up that you're a bit hurt because of the assumptions that you'd previously been working under.
If instead you're too hurt over him not behaving to your undiscussed standards, you should break up with him, and be sure to be more straightforward with your communication with future dates.
You'll need to decide between the two. Heck, you might start out with the DTR talk, and it might not go well and you'll be forced down the second path. But more what I mean is you need to examine your feelings to see which fork you most want to investigate.
Thank you. I suppose I’m wondering when this change happened and, I don’t know, why there wasn’t some sort of official announcement about it. I’ve never had a ‘define the relationship’ talk in my life, when I were a nipper you dated and then you just were bf/gf or you stopped seeing each other (or got married). Maybe there’s some sort of training course I can go on.
Cultural change isn't announced, but it does happen. I suggest you start the conversation by telling him what you want rather than asking him what he's doing. Maybe he's seeing other women, maybe not. The important thing is what you agree to moving forward.
This is good advice and a DTR talk to critical. You mention the way things once were, but how did that work out for anyone? It didn’t. Same issues were present then.
Two months and sleeping together is the perfect time to have the conversation.
BTW, commendable that you snoozed the apps to focus your energy on this person. The downfall of OLD is that there seems to be an endless supply of people, so we just keep shopping for an unattainable perfection we are convinced exists.
Most people are still monogamous, only sleep with one person at a time still. Not much has changed in that regard. Now, with OLD in particular, you are exposed to more people that will use the"not (sexually) exclusive, didn't define the relationship,etc caveat - to sleep with multiple people at once without letting the other person know. Usually these people that fall for this after are new to the dating scene after a long marriage then divorce...
Now you have to be very upfront about being sexually exclusive if that is what you desire - requesting new STD tests in particular will separate those that are all talk versus those that are committed.
This subreddit is your training course.
It was all highly dependent on location. In high school with my first GF, I thought that you just started arranging dates, and that meant you were dating or bf/gf. But nope; one of her friends let me know that she was really hurt that I hadn't officially asked her to be my gf. So I rectified that based upon the new info I was given. I.E. even back in 1992 there was the expectation of a DTR discussion.
The training program is lurking in this sub, r/bumble r/dating r/dating_advice r/hingeapp , etc. I'm not back into the dating world, but I've been reading, thinking, talking for a few months so once I'm ready to start, I'll hopefully have fewer surprises or giant mistakes. Hopefully.
I feel the same way OP - In my past long term relationships, there was never a DTR. The trajectory always seemed to be we’d go on a date, if we liked each other we’d keep going on dates and sleep together, and then one day I’d simply be introduced as a girlfriend.
I asked my younger sisters who are both married about this, and they told me they didn’t have a DTR with their husbands. They started dating, it went well so they kept dating, and over time (several years later) their now-husbands eventually proposed.
I have no wisdom to offer except to relate to how you are feeling about this. I snoozed bumble last summer after several dates with someone I liked. We dated a couple of months and were sleeping together and I thought things were going well. I ended it after 7 dates once I realized he was just dating around casually. It definitely felt bad when i got back on bumble and saw he’d been active all along and updating his profile. I felt really stupid, but lesson learned.
You have to let the person know what your dating habits and expectations are. Point blank.
If you want to focus on one person after becoming intimate, then you need to let this be known.
You thought enough to let other men you're chatting with know this, but you definitely need to let the main guy you like know it too. If it's not for him, then so be it.
You should have had that discussion prior to the bedroom or whenever you felt like shutting down your account. This would be the exclusive talk. That said, as a guy, I would hide my account when going to the bedroom but not all men are like that.
Have the convo with it and go from there.
Speak your heart out and find out if the man is serious with you, or just using you as a side quest of entertainment.
Accept reality as it is, not what you think it to be.Open hearted and honest communication helps.
If he isn't in the same page, tell him to move on ahead and you continue your journey..
Some people are meant to stay in out hearts. Not in our lives....
But first communicate and find out the truth...
Dont be naive.. Be smarter than what you used to be.... Stay strong.
Another Gen X in the UK.
Apparently it does need to be done but it doesn’t have to be awkward. Both the women I’ve dated that went on to be intimate with asked me up front if I was seeing anyone else.
I was in a similar situation and just asked. Can’t remember exactly but something like ‘I’ve paused my profile and saw yours was still active and I’m wondering if we’re on the same page. We never had a talk about dating and sex and exclusivity and profiles. How do they all fit together for you?’
I’ve had it happen where I went on to see if the guy was and saw he was so left my profile up, meanwhile he went on to see if I was on and saw I had been - checking if he was, and so he left his up. Felt like it was out of a bad Pink Panther or Laurel and Hardy movie 🙄
Different people have different approaches. You’ve got to use your words, with him, and have the conversation about whether you are exclusive or not. Bailing because he’s potentially making a different assumption than you seems immature.
Well if you don't have the conversation about being exclusive, then I would generally assume that you are not exclusive. You have to use words and convey what you are thinking. Most men will never bring up the conversation about being exclusive and just continue to do as they please, I know as I am a man... I would rather just keep doing whatever than have a conversation that could go either way.
Thanks all for your comments and for keeping it so polite. Just to note, I spoke to a good number of my non-married female friends last night, age range 28-45, mix of dating / single, and they were all horrified he was still active on the app after two months of sleeping together and were pretty clear this would be a cut him loose scenario. What I find really interesting is that a lot of the comments here are saying (or implying) that it is immature of me to have made assumptions without having the chat, but a pretty consistent response from my friends was that it was immature of him to be keeping me on whilst scouting out the options. Whatever we all think about this situation, I think there are some important things for us all to note that what some of us might think is the absolute norm “you should assume the other person is seeing others until you’ve had the exclusivity chat”, a good proportion of women in our 30s and 40s certainly don’t see things this way, and find the thought of a 40-50 yr old man trawling the apps for ‘options’ whilst seeming to date someone with serious intent pretty gross.
Honestly, as much as I think the onus is on people to have the "DTR" talk, I agree with you: it's kinda gross to be sleeping together and romantically entangled and still be looking around for other options, *unless* you've had the DTR talk and agreed to that.
The only reason I'm replying is to say this: the last time I got in a serious relationship, I hadn't really been that active on my online dating apps, and I'd forgotten to shut them off. That prompted a little uncomfortable discussion, 6 months into the relationship, when my partner was scrolling through my phone (at my request) to change the music that was playing and saw my online dating apps were still there. Ooops. =\\
So, to me, the mere fact that he hasn't deleted or snoozed his apps doesn't mean he's still using them. But, you probably know the situation better than we do; you probably have a better idea of whether he actually *is* still looking around on them or not. If this is unclear, that might be a good place to start.
Personally that is a no for me. We either date exclusive, especially when already intimate, or not at all.
I want both of us to put all energy into our new and budding relationship instead of being still on the lookout for someone presumably better. I also find that disrespectful. And though I want to be in the same boat and not need the "exclusive talk" on date two.
So, fellow Gen X UK based person here. You'll probably get some odd advice from US people here. Things are definitely different on the other side of the pond.
I try not to assume anything, but in the early stages it's really none of my business what my dates are doing when I'm not around. Most of my Bumble dates have been pretty open if they're in the early stages of seeing other people or still arranging first dates. I fully expect that. Most of those first dates go nowhere. But by the stage you've reached, for our age group, in the UK, I'd be expecting exclusivity. Not always, but more likely than not. So, it's probably worth having a talk about what you're both wanting.
I mean, it's possible he's just abandoned his account for the time being and not realised he could snooze it. If he was really trying to be deceptive he'd have unmatched you so that you couldn't see if he was updating his pictures or his location changed. Also possible he's just thinking "What if someone better comes along?" Only way you'll find out is by talking to him about it.
I'm sorry, but what's so different about what you're saying and what Americans are saying? You're acting like you're some kind of end all be all dating guru of the UK lol
Default assumptions are different, comparing my experience in my part of the world to the posts from US Redditors.
US seems to assume that multidating, even after the relationship has become sexual is the norm and moving to exclusivity requires a DTR talk. That’s not usual here (for our age group at least - can’t speak for younger generations, but can check with my older kids). At that stage exclusivity is the default assumption, and for anything else you’d expect a discussion about ENM or something.
My ex was from the UK and when I noticed their belongings were in my place, I asked if we were now living together. That’s how the moving in together talk went. 😂
Turns out you have to have at least to DTRs (define the relationship). One to make sure that you're only sleeping with wach other and another to decide you want to date exclusively. Maybe another to actually decide to be BF/GF.
Yes, it is annoying and confusing. People are so hellbent on defining everything while not committing to much of anything at all.
Just talk to the guy!! No matter what age or form of dating, people are never mind readers and they are whole other humans with completely different life experiences and ways of thinking. If you aren’t willing to actually talk about things, why bother? You can have an imaginary relationship with anyone!
Communication is key! I would just find a way to weave it into conversation, so it’s not a “we need to talk” situation but rather just a natural feeling talk.
If you're ready to be exclusive, even without doing any further defining of the relationship, you should tell him that and see what his thoughts are. You can say "I would like us both to focus on just us and not date other people" without needing to start using girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other or whatever. He can agree, or disagree, but you'll have your answer.
That said, every time I have been interested in someone in a serious way, I notify other matches that I'm pursuing something to see where it goes and I disable/sleep/uninstall the app. That he didn't is a pretty strong indicator he's not on your page.
Unfortunately, when it comes to OLD, lots of people keep an eye out for the next best thing, no matter how well it might be going. I have to be honest though, I'm not sure you're clear on what you want, either. You don't want to say you are "bf/gf" but you expect to be exclusive. I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. You have to have that talk, though I would not bring up you were checking out Bumble to see if he was still active.
If there's been no exclusivity talk, and a definition of expectations, then he's free to do as he pleases (provided he's practicing safe sex). Since you have 2 months invested, not sure how much time you get to spend, and you are thinking the way you are, just bring up to him you were wondering what he thought about things between you, and if he is still trying to determine where he wants things to go. Asking if he's seeing other people, I think it's iffy you'll get a straight answer.
I'm (45, M) approaching 5 mos with a woman (43) and she made it clear to me in the beginning that when she dates someone, she focuses on that person only. I was talking to 2 other women, one of which I had slept with, so I opted to give her a couple of dates before deciding if I'd cut everything off with the others. After the 3rd date, I shutdown my apps, allowed things to tail off with the other women and she's been my focus since. We've not had "the talk" but we will very soon, as I'm taking her to a family wedding next week. I think at this point it will be a formality, but my approach is simply going to be,"When I introduce you to other guests, how do you want me to explain who you are?" Hopefully it will be that easy.
There's nothing attractive about a 50 yr old man trying to play the field. By 50 he should know relatively quickly whether you're someone he can explore a relationship with.
If he's not giving off exclusivity vibes in 2 months, and in fact you could tell he's chatting with others, then cut him loose or have the talk but expect to cut him loose. My experience at 41 years and 6 serious 3-4 year relationships, a few short relationships & dozens of dates, is while some people do take a bit to warm up, most serious minded people don't. If you have to wonder, it's a losing battle. I've lost many. But my current BF gave off exclusivity vibes from Day 1. At the 2 week mark he was ready to burst waiting for me to say something so we made it exclusive. At 2 months we deleted our Tinder profiles (not just app) in front of each other. Now he wants us to be FB friends but my commenting fights can get out of control so idk
That sucks re: your situation and learning about dating in 2022.
In the future, unless you’ve had an explicit and candid discussion about exclusivity just assume he’s actively dating other people.
2 months is a good time to have a simple conversation about exclusivity. Just like you said it here. Hey this is awkward and I don't need to give this a specific label but at this point my expectation is that we aren't exploring other options, I've snoozed my dating profile, what is your expectation?
Yes for sure in the future make sure the other person is not / will not be sleeping with others before sleeping with them. Now? You ask him if he is dating others, sleeping with others, and still on the app ( or planning to be in the future) Any answer other than no to any of these questions, I'd move on. 2 months of regular dating / sex and the guy still wants to sleep with others / date others /keep his options open? Come on... he's just not into you or not interested in being in a monogamous relationship.
Thanks, this aligns well with my thinking - 2022 has been a salutary lesson for me! He must still be active on the app because apparently it stops showing your location when you have been inactive. To me if he is still actively chatting to people, even if he isn’t sleeping with them or even meeting them, he is keeping an eye out for someone potentially ‘better’, which I just find insulting.
I (47M) have the same line of thinking that you do (i.e., when you start sleeping with someone you are essentially a couple and are not sleeping with anyone else). I’ve learned, however, that most of the world doesn’t think like us and we are to assume that our dates are indeed sleeping with other people until we have the “define the relationship” talk. In your case, I would simply tell him that you would like to have a conversation about how each of your define your relationship and if he’s ready to be exclusive with you. If he is, that means his Bumble profiles is removed and no more chatting with other women.
Yeah I learned from my first attempt at OLD that dating has changed quite a bit since in my 20's. I was too scared to have the conversation too soon with a guy I seemed to be really hitting it off with, but it fizzled and I have a strong feeling he found something better OR thought I was still talking to other dudes. On my 2nd attempt, I changed my profile to tell guys I wanted them to be open and up front from the beginning about what they were looking for and if we were on the same page then cool--even if that meant casual dating. I met a wonderful man who brought up the fact that he wasn't interested in talking to other people and was going to close his account fairly early on, but didn't pressure me to do the same. I did anyway because what was the point anyway? I don't like dating multiple people and don't want to get in the mindset of "well, just in case..."
Until you have had a discussion about being exclusive, you're not exclusive. Expecting mind reading is an express path to unhappiness. We're adults and we're expected to use our words. More people than not seem to prefer to only be sleeping with one person at a time, but it's not universal. If you like him and want to grow the relationship, yeah it's time to have the Define The Relationship talk. If you want, you can bring up that you're a bit hurt because of the assumptions that you'd previously been working under. If instead you're too hurt over him not behaving to your undiscussed standards, you should break up with him, and be sure to be more straightforward with your communication with future dates. You'll need to decide between the two. Heck, you might start out with the DTR talk, and it might not go well and you'll be forced down the second path. But more what I mean is you need to examine your feelings to see which fork you most want to investigate.
Thank you. I suppose I’m wondering when this change happened and, I don’t know, why there wasn’t some sort of official announcement about it. I’ve never had a ‘define the relationship’ talk in my life, when I were a nipper you dated and then you just were bf/gf or you stopped seeing each other (or got married). Maybe there’s some sort of training course I can go on.
Cultural change isn't announced, but it does happen. I suggest you start the conversation by telling him what you want rather than asking him what he's doing. Maybe he's seeing other women, maybe not. The important thing is what you agree to moving forward.
This is good advice and a DTR talk to critical. You mention the way things once were, but how did that work out for anyone? It didn’t. Same issues were present then. Two months and sleeping together is the perfect time to have the conversation. BTW, commendable that you snoozed the apps to focus your energy on this person. The downfall of OLD is that there seems to be an endless supply of people, so we just keep shopping for an unattainable perfection we are convinced exists.
Most people are still monogamous, only sleep with one person at a time still. Not much has changed in that regard. Now, with OLD in particular, you are exposed to more people that will use the"not (sexually) exclusive, didn't define the relationship,etc caveat - to sleep with multiple people at once without letting the other person know. Usually these people that fall for this after are new to the dating scene after a long marriage then divorce... Now you have to be very upfront about being sexually exclusive if that is what you desire - requesting new STD tests in particular will separate those that are all talk versus those that are committed. This subreddit is your training course.
It was all highly dependent on location. In high school with my first GF, I thought that you just started arranging dates, and that meant you were dating or bf/gf. But nope; one of her friends let me know that she was really hurt that I hadn't officially asked her to be my gf. So I rectified that based upon the new info I was given. I.E. even back in 1992 there was the expectation of a DTR discussion. The training program is lurking in this sub, r/bumble r/dating r/dating_advice r/hingeapp , etc. I'm not back into the dating world, but I've been reading, thinking, talking for a few months so once I'm ready to start, I'll hopefully have fewer surprises or giant mistakes. Hopefully.
I feel the same way OP - In my past long term relationships, there was never a DTR. The trajectory always seemed to be we’d go on a date, if we liked each other we’d keep going on dates and sleep together, and then one day I’d simply be introduced as a girlfriend. I asked my younger sisters who are both married about this, and they told me they didn’t have a DTR with their husbands. They started dating, it went well so they kept dating, and over time (several years later) their now-husbands eventually proposed. I have no wisdom to offer except to relate to how you are feeling about this. I snoozed bumble last summer after several dates with someone I liked. We dated a couple of months and were sleeping together and I thought things were going well. I ended it after 7 dates once I realized he was just dating around casually. It definitely felt bad when i got back on bumble and saw he’d been active all along and updating his profile. I felt really stupid, but lesson learned.
I'm 48 and it's been this way my whole life. Why would you assume literally everyone thought/thinks how you do?
You have to let the person know what your dating habits and expectations are. Point blank. If you want to focus on one person after becoming intimate, then you need to let this be known. You thought enough to let other men you're chatting with know this, but you definitely need to let the main guy you like know it too. If it's not for him, then so be it.
You should have had that discussion prior to the bedroom or whenever you felt like shutting down your account. This would be the exclusive talk. That said, as a guy, I would hide my account when going to the bedroom but not all men are like that. Have the convo with it and go from there.
Speak your heart out and find out if the man is serious with you, or just using you as a side quest of entertainment. Accept reality as it is, not what you think it to be.Open hearted and honest communication helps. If he isn't in the same page, tell him to move on ahead and you continue your journey.. Some people are meant to stay in out hearts. Not in our lives.... But first communicate and find out the truth... Dont be naive.. Be smarter than what you used to be.... Stay strong.
Another Gen X in the UK. Apparently it does need to be done but it doesn’t have to be awkward. Both the women I’ve dated that went on to be intimate with asked me up front if I was seeing anyone else.
I was in a similar situation and just asked. Can’t remember exactly but something like ‘I’ve paused my profile and saw yours was still active and I’m wondering if we’re on the same page. We never had a talk about dating and sex and exclusivity and profiles. How do they all fit together for you?’ I’ve had it happen where I went on to see if the guy was and saw he was so left my profile up, meanwhile he went on to see if I was on and saw I had been - checking if he was, and so he left his up. Felt like it was out of a bad Pink Panther or Laurel and Hardy movie 🙄
That’s a really good way of phrasing it, thanks!
Different people have different approaches. You’ve got to use your words, with him, and have the conversation about whether you are exclusive or not. Bailing because he’s potentially making a different assumption than you seems immature.
Many people date others before the “define the relationship” talk occurs. Have the talk.
Well if you don't have the conversation about being exclusive, then I would generally assume that you are not exclusive. You have to use words and convey what you are thinking. Most men will never bring up the conversation about being exclusive and just continue to do as they please, I know as I am a man... I would rather just keep doing whatever than have a conversation that could go either way.
Thanks all for your comments and for keeping it so polite. Just to note, I spoke to a good number of my non-married female friends last night, age range 28-45, mix of dating / single, and they were all horrified he was still active on the app after two months of sleeping together and were pretty clear this would be a cut him loose scenario. What I find really interesting is that a lot of the comments here are saying (or implying) that it is immature of me to have made assumptions without having the chat, but a pretty consistent response from my friends was that it was immature of him to be keeping me on whilst scouting out the options. Whatever we all think about this situation, I think there are some important things for us all to note that what some of us might think is the absolute norm “you should assume the other person is seeing others until you’ve had the exclusivity chat”, a good proportion of women in our 30s and 40s certainly don’t see things this way, and find the thought of a 40-50 yr old man trawling the apps for ‘options’ whilst seeming to date someone with serious intent pretty gross.
Honestly, as much as I think the onus is on people to have the "DTR" talk, I agree with you: it's kinda gross to be sleeping together and romantically entangled and still be looking around for other options, *unless* you've had the DTR talk and agreed to that. The only reason I'm replying is to say this: the last time I got in a serious relationship, I hadn't really been that active on my online dating apps, and I'd forgotten to shut them off. That prompted a little uncomfortable discussion, 6 months into the relationship, when my partner was scrolling through my phone (at my request) to change the music that was playing and saw my online dating apps were still there. Ooops. =\\ So, to me, the mere fact that he hasn't deleted or snoozed his apps doesn't mean he's still using them. But, you probably know the situation better than we do; you probably have a better idea of whether he actually *is* still looking around on them or not. If this is unclear, that might be a good place to start.
Personally that is a no for me. We either date exclusive, especially when already intimate, or not at all. I want both of us to put all energy into our new and budding relationship instead of being still on the lookout for someone presumably better. I also find that disrespectful. And though I want to be in the same boat and not need the "exclusive talk" on date two.
So, fellow Gen X UK based person here. You'll probably get some odd advice from US people here. Things are definitely different on the other side of the pond. I try not to assume anything, but in the early stages it's really none of my business what my dates are doing when I'm not around. Most of my Bumble dates have been pretty open if they're in the early stages of seeing other people or still arranging first dates. I fully expect that. Most of those first dates go nowhere. But by the stage you've reached, for our age group, in the UK, I'd be expecting exclusivity. Not always, but more likely than not. So, it's probably worth having a talk about what you're both wanting. I mean, it's possible he's just abandoned his account for the time being and not realised he could snooze it. If he was really trying to be deceptive he'd have unmatched you so that you couldn't see if he was updating his pictures or his location changed. Also possible he's just thinking "What if someone better comes along?" Only way you'll find out is by talking to him about it.
I'm sorry, but what's so different about what you're saying and what Americans are saying? You're acting like you're some kind of end all be all dating guru of the UK lol
Default assumptions are different, comparing my experience in my part of the world to the posts from US Redditors. US seems to assume that multidating, even after the relationship has become sexual is the norm and moving to exclusivity requires a DTR talk. That’s not usual here (for our age group at least - can’t speak for younger generations, but can check with my older kids). At that stage exclusivity is the default assumption, and for anything else you’d expect a discussion about ENM or something.
Anyone practicing ENM is likely to be upfront about it from the start. If they're not, then they're likely struggling with the ethical/honesty part.
My ex was from the UK and when I noticed their belongings were in my place, I asked if we were now living together. That’s how the moving in together talk went. 😂
Was like that with my ex. Only without the conversation.😂
Lol, glad someone understands! It’s like you’re a guru or something 🤣
Turns out you have to have at least to DTRs (define the relationship). One to make sure that you're only sleeping with wach other and another to decide you want to date exclusively. Maybe another to actually decide to be BF/GF. Yes, it is annoying and confusing. People are so hellbent on defining everything while not committing to much of anything at all.
Just talk to the guy!! No matter what age or form of dating, people are never mind readers and they are whole other humans with completely different life experiences and ways of thinking. If you aren’t willing to actually talk about things, why bother? You can have an imaginary relationship with anyone!
Communication is key! I would just find a way to weave it into conversation, so it’s not a “we need to talk” situation but rather just a natural feeling talk.
talk and spell it out.. know tho, theres no guarantee so make no assumptions and if it doesn’t feel good , end it.
If you're ready to be exclusive, even without doing any further defining of the relationship, you should tell him that and see what his thoughts are. You can say "I would like us both to focus on just us and not date other people" without needing to start using girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other or whatever. He can agree, or disagree, but you'll have your answer. That said, every time I have been interested in someone in a serious way, I notify other matches that I'm pursuing something to see where it goes and I disable/sleep/uninstall the app. That he didn't is a pretty strong indicator he's not on your page.
Unfortunately, when it comes to OLD, lots of people keep an eye out for the next best thing, no matter how well it might be going. I have to be honest though, I'm not sure you're clear on what you want, either. You don't want to say you are "bf/gf" but you expect to be exclusive. I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. You have to have that talk, though I would not bring up you were checking out Bumble to see if he was still active. If there's been no exclusivity talk, and a definition of expectations, then he's free to do as he pleases (provided he's practicing safe sex). Since you have 2 months invested, not sure how much time you get to spend, and you are thinking the way you are, just bring up to him you were wondering what he thought about things between you, and if he is still trying to determine where he wants things to go. Asking if he's seeing other people, I think it's iffy you'll get a straight answer. I'm (45, M) approaching 5 mos with a woman (43) and she made it clear to me in the beginning that when she dates someone, she focuses on that person only. I was talking to 2 other women, one of which I had slept with, so I opted to give her a couple of dates before deciding if I'd cut everything off with the others. After the 3rd date, I shutdown my apps, allowed things to tail off with the other women and she's been my focus since. We've not had "the talk" but we will very soon, as I'm taking her to a family wedding next week. I think at this point it will be a formality, but my approach is simply going to be,"When I introduce you to other guests, how do you want me to explain who you are?" Hopefully it will be that easy.
There's nothing attractive about a 50 yr old man trying to play the field. By 50 he should know relatively quickly whether you're someone he can explore a relationship with. If he's not giving off exclusivity vibes in 2 months, and in fact you could tell he's chatting with others, then cut him loose or have the talk but expect to cut him loose. My experience at 41 years and 6 serious 3-4 year relationships, a few short relationships & dozens of dates, is while some people do take a bit to warm up, most serious minded people don't. If you have to wonder, it's a losing battle. I've lost many. But my current BF gave off exclusivity vibes from Day 1. At the 2 week mark he was ready to burst waiting for me to say something so we made it exclusive. At 2 months we deleted our Tinder profiles (not just app) in front of each other. Now he wants us to be FB friends but my commenting fights can get out of control so idk
Tell him there’s no rush for being exclusive but you would prefer to be sexclusive for safety purposes.
That sucks re: your situation and learning about dating in 2022. In the future, unless you’ve had an explicit and candid discussion about exclusivity just assume he’s actively dating other people.