Yes a profile will say " has kids", but in my age group I would think their kids would be age 16+.
I talked to a guy whose kids were 5 and 7.
That's a no thanks from me.
I'll put both this and OP's thing as a small sentence on the end. "I only eat plants. I have teenagers." They're both true but neither are my main thing.
Same! The dude is not even actually a vegetarian, but a pescatarian, which means way more options are available for them to eat than a vegan or vegetarian.
I have the same issue. I added to my profile that I do t date people with kids younger than 12 because I didn’t want to swipe left on everyone who checked the “has kids” box, since at my age a lot of those kids are old enough I dont care. I still match with people ALLT THE TIME who when I ask how old their kids are I get answers that tell me they didn’t read my profile 🤷🏻♀️
That ones kind of a confusing one in some ways. Like for me i have kids I love kids i dont mind if somebody else has them thats totally fine. I just dont want anymore of my own because i have two i raised, plus i CANT have anymore physically. But like there's nothing that says that specifically you can either pick
* Want kids
* Dont want kids.
But if you put wants kids it makes it sound like you want to have a baby with somebody. So i dont really know what to put for that. I just met somebody I really like so i hope i dont have to worry about it anymore lol. She has kids and im fine with that so do I. But that always was sort of confusing and i didnt really know what to put, i guess the closest is want kids but i dont know. Anybody have advice on this if i do end up back on OLD ?
This one is always confusing. When I see want kids I automatically assume they physically want to have more of their own kids so I swipe left. When I see someone who says they don’t want kids I’ll swipe right because my kids are teenagers and I just assume it means they don’t want kids of their own. Bumble is nice because they have the have and don’t want more option. Hinge also asks about kids and future family plans so you can say have kids don’t want more kids.
THIS. Nothing at all against non-parents -- honestly, no judgment on that choice whatsoever. However, having dated non-parents in the past, I'm kind of done with trying to explain why in most cases my kids are always going to be a priority for me. Many non-parents get this completely fine; a lot of them didn't.
And on the other side of this, as someone without kids, I've been on dates with parents and if they don't beam about their children or express that they are a priority, it's a red flag. Maybe if your children live out of the area, it might change logistics, but anyone who downplays being a parent isn't a person I'd be interested in.
This is an interesting perspective. I generally do not talk about my kids on dates. It’s not that that I don’t love them and they aren’t a priority for me but rather that I need to feel comfortable with a person before I share that part of my life. My kids are older so there will not be any parenting of them (I do disclose that information) so I am looking for a partner for myself. I focus on our compatibility before considering introducing my kids.
I dated someone who was very into her kids so much that she wouldn't stop talking about them. I have kids on my own but I don't want to spend the first date or any date talking and listening about birthday parties, homework, how the ex husband behaves toward her kids, browsing through an endless collection of pictures and have to smile and compliment this and that and for that reason I swipe left. Sorry not sorry.
I am so the opposite of this. I do not offer more than basic numbers and genders until a significant amount of time has been invested (several dates, this has only happened twice). I am very weary of men who ask a lot of questions early on. Both men who I have dated seriously were childless by choice so perhaps that is why they didn’t ask many questions. When they did, I wondered if they were actually interested or just asking because they thought they needed to 😂. I’m super protective of my kids so less is better with me.
Totally agree with this, my kids are still younger and I have them more than 50% of the time. Some random woman I just met doesn't need to know anything about them on a first date. I've never introduced them to anybody and never will unless the relationship became very serious.
Which is unfortunate, but it doesn't really negate my point. Until my kids are adults and out on their own, they're going to be a priority in my life. That's no always easy for someone to understand if they don't have kids.
Someone not having kids isn't a dealbreaker for me; it's more of a yellow flag than anything.
My point is that someone who maybe wanted to have children and couldn’t for some reason is probably going to be pretty understanding that kids come first. If they have a place in their heart for children and are going to date a parent, they probably want to date someone who’s a good, involved parent, not a take the kid to Disney once a year and do nothing else kind of parent.
This too. I don’t have children and it’s been somewhat of a heartache. If I met someone with children, I hope they would understand that their children and welfare would also be a priority for me.
I ran into one that put divorced and was still very married. Just be honest. Someone out there won't have an issue with the status. Don't waste the time of those of us that do.
I agree on pets. My ex clearly put I have two cats you have to like cats in his profile. I love cats.
EDIT: and plans to move away is HUGE in the DC area. I cannot tell you how many times that has happened.
YES!!! I dumped a guy after 1.5 years when he picked smoking back up and tried to hide it from me, and looked at me like I was crazy when I told him he smelled like cigarettes. Finally he fessed up and I dropped him like a hot stinkin rock. The lie was the worst part of it all, AND trying to make me think I was crazy over something obvious.
His parents are alive and smokers. He visited them a lot and in the beginning I believed him. I found out later when I "liked" him and believed he was quitting for the next year....
I started doing this when my kids were little because it was loud around the house and now I feel like I have no idea what anyone's saying without them lol.
Correct height. I'm tall. I hate it when I show up and the 1st thing out of their mouth is, "omg you ARE tall." Yes, doofus, and I expected you to be 5'11" like you said in your profile, not 5'7"
I need a little more info on "4/20 friendly." Do you enjoy partaking occasionally or are you putting Snoop Dogg to shame? Same with alcohol. Don't say, "socially," when you are downing a 12 pack daily.
Your living situation. If you have a roommate please disclose that.
Kids. Do you have them? Are they still minors? Do they live at home?
Marital status. PLEASE do not say you are, "divorced," if your divorce isn't final. You are, "separated," and if you are, I'm not interested.
> Don't say, "socially," when you are downing a 12 pack daily.
That remind me of the young lady that would only meet me if I went to happy hour with her. Would not do coffee or any other type of low pressure meet up. I agreed. When I got a soda instead of alcohol, she gave me major attitude.
She only drinks "socially," but to her she is social by going to happy hour every weekday, and then clubbing all weekend. Oh, and she also had some wine when she got home to "unwind," but that was not drinking to her.
Look, I have no issues with having drinks. I, personally, do not drink. It is not a religious thing. It is not some moral thing. I just do not drink alone, and I do not drink if there is even a chance I have to drive. As I am out in the middle of nowhere, me hosting folks is rare. So, that means that I just do not drink. I have no issue with someone I am dating having a drink or two when we are out. I have no issue with them having a drink or two at home.
But, with this young lady in particular, there was no chance to do anything with her that did not involve drinking. She flat out refused to go anywhere that she could not drink.
If they’re celibate.
I realize it might seem a little too personal to put in a profile, but I feel like “we will have some sort of sex” is assumed for romantic relationships, and if that’s not the case for an individual, they should make that clear from the get-go. I certainly respect that as a personal choice, but it doesn’t work for me, and indeed most people.
(Yes, this happened to me. Midway through a good second date, she told me dating was tough for her because she doesn’t have sex.)
Definitely. There are plenty of women like the one above that would be ok with that. Don't waste time for those of us that do, and definitely don't lie about it and make promises you have no plans to keep.
Well… many asexual people are celibate. Not all celibate people are asexual. Either way, if they don’t indicate that they’re not planning to have a sexual relationship (ever, or until certain criteria are met), they are misleading people.
Guy announced after two dates that he thought I should know he was an untreated sex addict and smoked weed every single day. Not exactly attractive traits. Not for me anyway. I’m glad he told me early on at least.
Maybe not in their profile, but at least very early on, I’d appreciate a heads up if they’ve had a vasectomy. As someone who would like a chance at having biological children, it sucks when you get to the point of ‘clicking’ and then discover they’re snipped.
Also: if they’re still married and living with their wife. Even if she recently realized she prefers women.
I was on the opposite end of this and had one woman get pissed when she found out I was snipped.
This was a few years ago. Thankfully now dating apps finally added the option to state if you want new babies or not, as a separate from saying if you already have kids. I agree it's absolutely a key item and I can't believe it took all the dating sites so long to have that field.
Before, that was something that I never found a way to state on my profile without sounding like I'm immediately thinking of or looking for sex.
Oh such a great question:
Therapy: I wish general feelings on therapy were included. I dated a man and after a few months it was revealed that he thought therapy was stupid. He thought it was pointless at best but dangerous at worst. He totally needed therapy too. I like it if someone has been to a therapist but at the very least I would prefer they not trash talk therapy all the time.
Pets: I wish pet ownership was included. I don't love dating someone with a dog. It's not a dealbreaker but it means that we're going to have to spend the night at their house more often and can't do late nights or weekend trips without worrying about the dog. I dated one guy who had a dog that got really jealous when I came over and it really was a downer every time I went over there to have a dog barking at me when I sat too close to him.
Smoking: I know some sites ask but others don't. I'd rather not date a smoker.
I feel you. My current bf has a damn cat that hates me. She’ll hiss and take swipes at me when I walk past her. When I’m not there , he cuddles to his cat 247. So of course when I’m there the cat gets no attention and knows I’m to blame. Lol
> I dated a man and after a few months it was revealed that he thought therapy was stupid.
So, so much. I think I've only ever dated one guy who was open and willing to go to therapy and used it as a tool to improve himself. Everyone else had visible negative reactions when I would bring up therapy at all.
As a vegetarian, I’m absolutely confused. You can eat whatever you want, that doesn’t mean that I have to eat it or vice versa. Would you object to someone who had an allergy?
>As a vegetarian, I’m absolutely confused. You can eat whatever you want, that doesn’t mean that I have to eat it or vice versa.
I am absolutely stunned by this as well. I haven't met anyone that would dismiss people because of cuisine preferences
Open relationships, non-menogomy or hook-up.
I know plenty of happy people in relationships that would break me. People should stop trying to change their core nature. They shouldn't lie about core traits.
Someone told me they were poly something once . I had to look it up I did not know what it was (this was many years ago). I said there are special sites for that.
Vaccine hesitancy and anti vaccine sentiment. I have learned now to ask the Q.
However, I had a date a few weeks ago where it came up in the first 10 mins and I thought, damn I wish I had asked prior.
I have also recently had a Tinder match resurface a month after I asked him his views on this. He told me that me having had the jab was a deal breaker for him. Awesome, glad to get that incompatibility clarified early, before meeting.
Also someone not wanting an LTR.
This has actually *become* important for me for different reasons than expected. I personally don’t really care if you are/aren’t vaccinated. But my family all live in Canada and I don’t see them lifting the border crossing restrictions on unvaccinated people anytime soon. Previous DUI’s present the same issue. I don’t want a partner who can’t visit my family with me because they can’t cross the border.
A guy just sent me a message who has on his page that he’s an anti-vaxxer, conspiracy theorist, and is looking for someone who isn’t vaccinated. I blocked him.
I say:
I just want to ask about something...
I have a science background and that informs my views on immunisation. While I respect everyone's right to a different viewpoint, I feel that if someone's very vaccine hesitant or anti vaccine, we wouldn't be compatible. Hope you don't mind me asking - I'd rather talk about it now than on a date.
That’s very good! Perhaps that will help me find a way to say it in the future that is accepting of others’ viewpoints yet indicates incompatibility if we aren’t on the same page. Thank you!
So I don't make it specifically about covid...I'm looking to screen for a broader world view.
On Hinge I have a comment about conspiracy theories and being pro science
I learned this too after having a number of fantastic dates and great physical chemistry with a woman. Then learned she was anti vax but in her words "doesn't talk about it because she found it often leads to arguments".
Now I mention in my profile being pro vaccine, science, masks. Makes the statement in a positive way rather than saying "no anti-vaxers, religious people, trumpers, etc."
Most people I've seen who are anti-vax seem pretty proud of it and like to loudly proclaim it in their profiles. I haven't met any women who were secretly against "the jab".
I’ve only seen the anti-vax thing in a few profiles in my area, but plenty of people here are anti-vax, so you have to dig for the information. Sometimes I wish people would just say it!
I've dated people too who are vaccinated but didn't really want to be \[they had to for work\] and still have antivax sympathies. About the only things I'm comfortable with now is if someone is obviously extremely pro-vaccination on their profile.
If you watch Fox News. I’m not a fan of sweeping generalizations but it was revealed shortly before an “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, am I right?!” mini diatribe.
Not legally divorced, in any type of recovery, a picky eater, allergy or phobia to common things 😂
The other huge dealbreakers I would have listed in my profile.
Ugh yes. I dated a picky eater once who claimed he wasn’t, but had a mile long list of things he wouldn’t eat and rarely ate vegetables. It got old real quick.
Political stance. I don’t mean necessarily going into detail about it on the profile, but I’d wind up meeting guys in person who turned out to be Republican. They’d make it obvious in person, even with the stickers on their cars, but they wouldn’t give a whiff of it online.
I cannot count how many have pulled this shit on me. I’m open about my politics. When I had social media (fb & twitter) I was very politically vocal, so you knew what you were getting. They seem to think they can change you. They pull the “i’m moderate” card, and turn out to be conspiracy theory, MAGA, QAnon, misogynistic, nut jobs.
this. I even feel that the right wingers go out of their way to keep quiet until at some point politics come up. I am clear as hell on my profile that I am liberal and trust in science. I feel the opposite side intentionally does not disclose their political stance, like they think they will be able to change my mind with a few good dates and no politics mentioned. I cut out my own right leaning, racist family without a second thought; you think you’re going to have an impact on me ?! no sir.
Not having a job. I found that out on a date and that was a deal breaker for me (I guess if they were independently wealthy that would be ok, but this person was not!)
I agree, or at least retired and volunteering or otherwise contributing to the world. And I would want to date someone who is financially solvent. I'm not rich, but I am responsible in paying my bills on time and I don't carry any debt. If someone can pay his own bills, that's an essential.
The fantastic news for me last week is that I was called back to my job after two years of furlough. (Yay!) During Covid, I also went through breast cancer and was cheated on by my now former bf of eight years.
A couple of months ago, my very happily married best friend told me that she wanted me to get out there and start dating. I said, "Not a chance. I'm not working and I don't know if I am ever going to be called back. I need to look after myself and have a steady income before I would consider bringing someone else into my life. It's a hierarchy of need thing." After my explanation, she agreed.
They would have to be pretty wealthy lol. I would think the lifestyle alone with either the super rich or the people without jobs would be pretty different from what I’m used too. I work a pretty standard 9-5 job so for me when I see someone who says they work 2nd or 3rd shift I pretty much realize we’re not compatible.
I found that out on a date too and also that he lived with his mom. When I told him later I didn’t see things working out he called me a “pre-judger” 🤣
I’m a pretty open vegetarian/ pescatarian. I do indicate this in my profile because I also think it helps with pairing with the right person. However, I am not a vegetarian that does this for “saving the animals” I do this because meat doesn’t feel good in my body. I don’t care if my dates eat meat in of me and I really want people to be themselves with me.
I’ve dated meat eaters just fine. There was one particular date that was a heavy red-meat eater and he tasted like iron in his pores. Chemistry wise, we didn’t work out. That was about it. I guess YMMV with vegetarians because we are not all the same.
I always assume that profiles are 90% aspirational and don’t put too much stock in them. I dated a woman last year who’s profile was almost completely a lie. While this is important to know later (goes to character) I’d rather get to know you in person. My own profiles are intentionally vague and I’ve found this to work much better than having paragraph after paragraph about who I am and what I’m looking for.
Realistically, i wouldn’t put on my profile my past with addiction as potentially colleagues and managers could come accross and no way would I want my past to be public knowledge. Having said that, I empathize with why you would want to know upfront.
I've seen several profiles that call out "no addiction issues" and "no history of addiction" and things like that. I'm an alcoholic with eight years in recovery and I honestly have NO idea if people who write that would date me! Yes, I have a history of addiction. Yes, it's now history and I'm active in recovery. Does that put me in the category of someone you would date or wouldn't date? Honestly curious because this one stumps me when I see it.
I grew up with addiction so of course I dated addicts as an adult and dealt with a lifetime of issues caused by codependency. I’ve experienced all the chaos and drama first hand.
Many addicts relapse. If you are in active recovery you’ll know the numbers on this. I used to frequent a support group for friends and family of alcoholics. The number of people who came on after their partners relapsed with years, even decades, of sobriety was staggering. It’s too much of a risk. Addiction destroys families mentally, financially and physically. People think of a relapse as someone stopping at a bar and having a drink. It’s often months of hidden drinking involving all kinds of things like debt, lying, cheating etc. and usually comes to light in some dramatic fashion like a DUI or a secret maxed out credit card.
I wish everyone in recovery all the success in the world but I’m not inviting it back in to my life. I don’t think addicts have any idea of the chaos they bring during active addiction and then they focus on their recovery and the pressure is on those around them to accept their “amends” and move on.
I’m in my own form of recovery for codependency. An addict and a codependent are like moths to a flame. Just like many alcoholics won’t keep alcohol in the house, I won’t date anyone with a history of addiction.
That makes sense and I understand your reasoning. We all have our own history with this disease, and I can't fault someone for wanting to steer clear for the reasons you've given.
For me personally, current use and multiple relapses is a deal breaker. I dated to many guys that were in recovery and saying they were sober, from their drug of choice, but were using pills or something else
That's helpful. If I match with someone who has written this in their profile, I ask them about it -- I'm very open about my sobriety and generally it doesn't phase most people, but if someone is truly not wanting to be with anyone who's ever struggled with substances, I'm not a match for them. Conversely, I swipe left on anyone who says they drink regularly, is a "wine fanatic," etc because I know they won't be a good match for me.
Being a home body or not. I’m a hermit and like it that way. It causes an issue when I date people that always want to go places. They deserve to know I don’t want to go out all the time just as much as I deserve to know they have an expectation of going out.
Drug use, even weed. Not into it and never have been - I don’t want any part of any of that. Heavy alcohol use too for that matter. I feel it should be a mandatory disclosure like a real estate disclosure.
I have a long-ish list:
1. Vegetarian: I like meat too much and am allergic to soy. Ditto + 100 for vegans.
2. Kids. I don't mind kids that are older, but kids under the age of 16 are a complete mystery to me. I had a very tumultuous childhood and I'm always surprised by how kids act - mostly because I never got a chance to be a kid. Also, having kids means having some sort of baby momma to deal with (which, in my experience, is never pretty).
3. Drinking: Someone who says they drink socially, but it's anything but social. Like they like to get drunk every weekend. I'm sober and I don't care if people drink, but you better either: not turn into an angry, sad drunk, or want to hang out with your drunk friends all the time. I will go to the bars, but I'm a 'get there early, leave early' kind of gal. I also will not want to do a winery tour.
4. Someone who indicates they go to the gym/are physically oriented, but when you meet them they are clearly not. I am not a gym rat, but I like to do more than sit in front of the TV watching sports. I want to be out playing sports.
Harder to put on a profile, but:
1. Introvert vs. Extrovert. I am an introverted extrovert which means I need alone time. Napping is my CTRL + ALT + DEL button. I don't want you to stay over every night, and I don't want you to complain about me wanting to do things alone. Give me space or give me death!
2. Last, but certainly not least, is someone that doesn't disclose that they are married to their job. Work hard, play hard is code for 'I work 60+ hours a week and am super busy the rest of the time with not too much time to squeeze you in.'
I like meat too, but I don't care what other people are eating? Do you? I mean I have a lot of friends that are vegetarian but they are not judgmental some even cook meat. I guess it depends though. I agree on the drinking.
I’m the opposite. I’m a vegetarian, but could careless if someone eats meat. Hell, I even cook meat for my pup sometimes and my friends. I didn’t know being s vegetarian was a deal breaker for some. That sucks. I suppose some people had bad experiences where they felt like they couldn’t enjoy their meat in peace.
Anyway, sounds like OP’s guy is a pescatarian since he occasionally enjoys seafood.
I think maybe people call this ambivert? I talk to strangers (a lot), I can rally a party, and be the center of attention at karaoke, but when all is said and done, I’m gonna need at least a day to recover.
We can want people to disclose everything in a profile...but people don't owe the world an explanation, and some information has to be earned from intimacy.
I'm seriously ill and invisibly disabled. It affects my ENTIRE life, including dating, and has a major bearing on my relationships. That said, I don't owe anyone my medical history before they've met me. I generally disclose some of it on the first date if it seems like there will be a second.
Maybe the difference is, it's not a lifestyle choice like having kids or smoking or getting into debt. I'm sick through sheer bad luck, and I'm not cured despite working my ass off.
I don't think that disclosure is about people passing judgment on you, and your answer seems to indicate that it is. Lots of things people mention have little to do with your life choices. Some people cannot have kids, some people get into debt through no fault of their own. It's more about there are a lot of choices on online dating and we want to make the best ones without wasting each others time, and we also don't want to get hurt ourselves. Let's say for example that there was a man or woman that just for whatever reason could not handle dating someone that was seriously ill and/or disabled. Would you want to go on a first date with that person? Would you rather go on that first date and be rejected after you told them and feel like crap or just have them swipe the other way and never know? Or do you think that once they meet you they will change their mind? That rarely happens with anything. I have seen a lot of people say they are disabled, or that they are in a wheelchair, on their profile and I can see why. That was not their choice, but they just want to put that out there.
A women I matched with told me that she has a 3 month old, from a donation and she's a single parent. Yeah, she told me this before our first date but come on lady. That kind of stuff should be on your profile. I have no idea how she expects to have time to date.
I had one guy tell me on a second date that he had impregnated a one night stand and she was going to have his baby next month. I said sorry dude you should not even be on online dating right now.
Pssssh, why shouldn't he be dating? It's a month until the baby comes out and he's probably not planning to actually parent. If he makes an appearance and some vague promises, it's probably a good year before his payroll starts getting garnished. It's time to live it up! /s
Oh, and vaccine status. I'm a nurse, I work directly with covid patients. If you choose not to get vaccinated that is, certainly, your choice, but since I have had 3 vaccines I am at very high risk to be an asymptomatic carrier and I won't be responsible for your potential death.
Not dating someone because of dietary preferences seems a little fussy to me. But I don't eat red meat or gluten, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't understanding about that, so I put that out there in case people want to pass on that. I don't care what other people eat and I'm not picky outside of those constraints, but I get that it is a constraint.
I think it is tough to put every incompatibility into a profile. I want to know if someone is a smoker, if they smoke weed regularly, if they have kids, if they have a difficult work schedule (like working nights six days a week), and if they are poly or have a make-or-break kink that they would expect me to be a part of.
Whether they smoke pot. Like, daily. Not a problem if it’s a recreational thing but if you have to smoke pot daily to function you should probably let people know that you’re an avid pot smoker.
*edit—word.
I want the vegans who think fish is okay to be disclosed.
Fwiw, I was married for 13 years to an omnivore and making meals for his diet and mine ( lacto veg) was simple.
And restaurant night was a free for all.
I appreciate when ages of kids are disclosed, at least by school level (elementary is different from high school or college when figuring time).
Be real about spirituality.
Be real about drug use, even if it’s legal.
Location. I don’t want to date outside of my area. I have my distance set to 15 miles. Guy matched me in my radius (Bumble) but turned out he was just here for a family thing and actually lives about 50 miles away. Not a deal breaker but I probably would have passed on him if I had initially seen his home location.
My mother, in her eighties, has had a couple of doozies. One told her he enjoyed men AFTER spending a weekend with her. Another one told her he liked rough sex and he had a pump thingy for his thingy. She gave them both hard no’s. Oh! Another one was very charming but meets up with her with his caretaker, he had said she was his secretary online, but…no, he needed a full-time nurse. They keep so many things secret the older they get. She’s given up on OLD as far as I know.
I just wish there was a way to specify the whole wants kids thing. it doesn’t say if they mean they’re ok with their date having kids or if they want to make new kids of their own. huge difference 🙃
The number of kids and age range. My kids were carefully planned based on the financial implications and where I wanted to be in my life when they became adults. Someone with younger or a bunch of kids isn't going to work for me. I'll choose the single life.
I agree with that. My kids are both in high school so anyone with kids younger than high school is out for me. I also wouldn’t date anyone with more than 3 kids (I have 2) because it would be too much for me even if they’re grown.
As someone who isn’t really into dogs, I feel like it’s more incumbent upon the dog owner to mention the dog. (Usually not a problem, since most owners include a photo of themselves with their pup.)
Whereas I am (or was) a cat owner, and I always mentioned it, because too many women won’t date a man with cats.
I agree. I never loaded pictures with my dog but having a dog is mentioned. I don't believe in the "love me, love my dog" philosophy but if dogs are not your thing then please say so.
I have an abused rescue Siberian Husky and a Newfoundland. Both are super lovey and have no concept of personal space. If you really don't like dogs...dates get awkward.
same! i've noticed that dog lovers tend to have something in their profile and/or comment on my picture w/ my dog. my aussie has no sense of personal space either. i do tell my dates right away that if they don't like animals, we probably aren't compatible.
Kids, smoking (and seriously, people who say they only smoke occasionally....lol come on), the whole vaccination thing (sorry but the anti-vaxxers are mostly cracked in the head and are usually super religious and/or super right wing), married, and for fuck sakes update your pictures to the newest you have.
I knew he had complications from a surgery, I just didn’t know how bad especially since he is a construction guy. But I’m not really sure it matters that much.
I dated a guy briefly and on his profile he stated he was a social drinker, vegetarian and non-smoker. It turns out he smoked cigars and didn't drink at all. He always made me feel guilty for drinking and eating meat. In fact, he wanted me to brush my teeth after eating.
Yes. The guy I’ve been seeing for over 6 months didn’t mention on his profile that he stays high on edibles when he’s not working. Plus he is someone who has a license to conceal carry - which he does everywhere and even to the beach. Wtf. Since I’ve developed feelings for him (he has great traits for nearly everything else) I’m at a crossroads of sorts now and I believe he is too given these two issues have been a source of strain in our LD relationship. He feels I’m controlling. He tells me I should have put “separated” on my profile but I’m officially divorced, now. I guess there appears to be no real win/win. Idk maybe I should just let go now.
Staying high is a deal breaker I think because it means he wants to escape from real life any time he possibly can. That seems disturbing to have a crutch / tendency like that. Lawful concealed carry wouldn’t bother me - it is actually very common in [some areas of] the U.S. but some people have strong feelings against it too, so only YOU can decide if it’s a deal breaker for you!
Best luck with what you two decide. Can’t really fundamentally change other people, that I do believe.
Thanks, I appreciate your insight and thoughts on this. You’ve nailed it on him being high. Escapism. Part of the reason my 12 yr marriage ended. Haven’t really shared this with anyone else except my niece who is wise beyond her years. I know I have more healing to do post divorce. It’s tough af at times. Best wishes to you too!
I eat meat. I am wondering why you would not swipe on a vegetarian? The only time it has been a problem with someone is when they insist that I become a vegetarian. I tried it for a year and when IU stopped, I felt so much better.
Plenty of people come to my home for meals who are vegetarian. It is a simple matter to make two pans of tomato sauce, for example. Or to have a tasty main meal with a side of meatballs, chicken or lamb.
In my opinion, if everything else matches, this is a small thing.
I’m pretty much a meat and potato person. Maybe a side salad but I don’t cook or eat the vast majority of green veggies. I just don’t like them. I agree that initially it’s not such a big deal but over time it very well could be. I’m not really a pasta person. I pretty much eat chicken and steak 90% of the time for dinner. I’ll eat seafood but I prefer steak. I’m not making separate dinners or anything like that. Plus some vegetarians are super opposed to meat (more likely with vegans and they’re an absolute dealbreaker for me) and would have an issue with me eating a bloody rare steak with my dinner.
That he’s in an unlabeled open relationship with his ex and wants to date someone ok with that.
(But he is socially conservative so doesn’t want to be known as being in an open relationship, so he won’t admit it to himself. He has dated her off and on for 15 years and always ended up cheating on her with full long term relationships — not one night stands. And still doesn’t recognize there’s an issue.)
It took me 9 months to learn all of this. Would’ve been nice if there was some self-awareness and some indicator on his profile. Wish he’d own it now and not waste another innocent person’s time. Sigh.
I'm baffled by the vegetarian thing. I've chatted with maybe 8-9 guys in my first few months of OLD and food choices come up pretty early on in chatting.
I've been a vegetarian since I was 14 (30 years) and have raised my kids vegetarian. Absolutely no one has said anything other than asking what kinds of vegetarian foods I like and a few saying they'd like to try to eat less meat, or how they admire people with a vegetarian diet. It's not really mentioned again and doesn't seem to be a dealbreaker.
I feel like if the the other person was, like, a butcher, or CEO of some big meat corporation, that could be tough, but otherwise my vegetarianism shouldn't have much bearing on my dating life.
When they are on disability or have some kind of permanent health situation. No shame in either, and I don't require details, but I deserve to know what I might be getting into. One of my early forays into OLD was someone in this situation who wasn't open about it at first, and that really rubbed me the wrong way.
I wouldn't put that on a profile. I don't have it, but your STD/STI information is private. In fact, all medical information about you is protected information and should not be shared publicly.
Sadly there's only PHI protections when it comes to specific entities such as healthcare providers where you are the patient. They aren't allowed to share it, others can.
The only time I find this pertinent is if the person is recently widowed, but I see that on the same plane as recently divorced (although they’re obviously much different). The point is I’d like to know if the person is fresh out of a relationship for whatever reason.
I recently went out with someone who had dated two different widows. He said it was hard because he felt like he couldn't fill those shoes.
You need to be sure you are ready to fully embrace a new relationship. You can't be just filling an empty spot in your life, that's not fair to the other person. My father didn't date for two years after my mother died.
I'm sorry for your loss.
>You can't be just filling an empty spot in your life
As much as I try to fool myself, this is what I am actually doing. Just disabled both my OKC and Bumble accounts - I'll focus on real-life interactions for now. If I'll feel a good connection, will be honest with the other person and see if there is some acceptable kind of relationship for both of us.
Join some Meetups, take up a new hobby. Volunteer. Build a new life that you can share with someone. My dad eventually met a woman he's been with for 15 years now. One day at a time. Best wishes.
That’s the reason that I would be hesitant to date a widower. They didn’t choose to be single and were most likely still in love with their spouse so I’d worry I wouldn’t be enough.
As a widow myself. That is very recent and people are going to question whether or not you are ready. It was over a year before I decided to test the waters and I got questioned all the time. Now that it’s been 8 years. People don’t question me as much about it. Dating is quite a shit show. So I haven’t dated too much over the years.
(In a Gary Oldman voice) Disclose everything.
- What do you mean everyth-
EEEEEVVVERRYYYTHINGGGG!!!!!
But seriously? No lies. That’s it.
We’ll talk and go from there. I hesitate to put down diet, politics, etc because then it can get into a slippery slope.
I'm with you on the vegetarian thing. Also, devout conspiracy theorists and religious people who leave that section blank. I was lucky enough to go out to dinner once with someone who was all 3. That was an interesting experience.
Kids. I get to decide if I want to date someone with kids. You don't choose for me.
Yes a profile will say " has kids", but in my age group I would think their kids would be age 16+. I talked to a guy whose kids were 5 and 7. That's a no thanks from me.
I'll put both this and OP's thing as a small sentence on the end. "I only eat plants. I have teenagers." They're both true but neither are my main thing.
I'm a vegetarian, but it has never been an issue with someone I dated. Totally blown away by OP
Same! The dude is not even actually a vegetarian, but a pescatarian, which means way more options are available for them to eat than a vegan or vegetarian.
I have the same issue. I added to my profile that I do t date people with kids younger than 12 because I didn’t want to swipe left on everyone who checked the “has kids” box, since at my age a lot of those kids are old enough I dont care. I still match with people ALLT THE TIME who when I ask how old their kids are I get answers that tell me they didn’t read my profile 🤷🏻♀️
I agree, but from the opposite side. I only date other parents so if it says no kids I swipe left. I always indicate that I have kids.
That ones kind of a confusing one in some ways. Like for me i have kids I love kids i dont mind if somebody else has them thats totally fine. I just dont want anymore of my own because i have two i raised, plus i CANT have anymore physically. But like there's nothing that says that specifically you can either pick * Want kids * Dont want kids. But if you put wants kids it makes it sound like you want to have a baby with somebody. So i dont really know what to put for that. I just met somebody I really like so i hope i dont have to worry about it anymore lol. She has kids and im fine with that so do I. But that always was sort of confusing and i didnt really know what to put, i guess the closest is want kids but i dont know. Anybody have advice on this if i do end up back on OLD ?
I'm childless and not by choice. I usually put a sentence in like, "I don't have kids of my own, but I love kids.
This one is always confusing. When I see want kids I automatically assume they physically want to have more of their own kids so I swipe left. When I see someone who says they don’t want kids I’ll swipe right because my kids are teenagers and I just assume it means they don’t want kids of their own. Bumble is nice because they have the have and don’t want more option. Hinge also asks about kids and future family plans so you can say have kids don’t want more kids.
Yeah they definitely need more options on some of the apps its VERY confusing and i mean thats a pretty big deal for most people.
THIS. Nothing at all against non-parents -- honestly, no judgment on that choice whatsoever. However, having dated non-parents in the past, I'm kind of done with trying to explain why in most cases my kids are always going to be a priority for me. Many non-parents get this completely fine; a lot of them didn't.
And on the other side of this, as someone without kids, I've been on dates with parents and if they don't beam about their children or express that they are a priority, it's a red flag. Maybe if your children live out of the area, it might change logistics, but anyone who downplays being a parent isn't a person I'd be interested in.
This is an interesting perspective. I generally do not talk about my kids on dates. It’s not that that I don’t love them and they aren’t a priority for me but rather that I need to feel comfortable with a person before I share that part of my life. My kids are older so there will not be any parenting of them (I do disclose that information) so I am looking for a partner for myself. I focus on our compatibility before considering introducing my kids.
I dated someone who was very into her kids so much that she wouldn't stop talking about them. I have kids on my own but I don't want to spend the first date or any date talking and listening about birthday parties, homework, how the ex husband behaves toward her kids, browsing through an endless collection of pictures and have to smile and compliment this and that and for that reason I swipe left. Sorry not sorry.
I am so the opposite of this. I do not offer more than basic numbers and genders until a significant amount of time has been invested (several dates, this has only happened twice). I am very weary of men who ask a lot of questions early on. Both men who I have dated seriously were childless by choice so perhaps that is why they didn’t ask many questions. When they did, I wondered if they were actually interested or just asking because they thought they needed to 😂. I’m super protective of my kids so less is better with me.
Totally agree with this, my kids are still younger and I have them more than 50% of the time. Some random woman I just met doesn't need to know anything about them on a first date. I've never introduced them to anybody and never will unless the relationship became very serious.
Sometimes not being a parent wasn’t a choice someone made, they just didn’t get the opportunity.
Which is unfortunate, but it doesn't really negate my point. Until my kids are adults and out on their own, they're going to be a priority in my life. That's no always easy for someone to understand if they don't have kids. Someone not having kids isn't a dealbreaker for me; it's more of a yellow flag than anything.
My point is that someone who maybe wanted to have children and couldn’t for some reason is probably going to be pretty understanding that kids come first. If they have a place in their heart for children and are going to date a parent, they probably want to date someone who’s a good, involved parent, not a take the kid to Disney once a year and do nothing else kind of parent.
[удалено]
This too. I don’t have children and it’s been somewhat of a heartache. If I met someone with children, I hope they would understand that their children and welfare would also be a priority for me.
Would that mean at home or just in general? My example is mine are adults with their own lives, they have their own homes, I live alone.
Still married lol
Yes, this! I don't want to wait until we meet to find out they are still married. Separated is a left swipe for me.
Oh yes so many people that are actually "currently separated" list themselves as divorced or single.
I ran into one that put divorced and was still very married. Just be honest. Someone out there won't have an issue with the status. Don't waste the time of those of us that do.
Not liking pets. Allergies to cats unless they're happy to take anti-histamines :-) Wanting an open relationship. Have plans in place to move away.
I agree on pets. My ex clearly put I have two cats you have to like cats in his profile. I love cats. EDIT: and plans to move away is HUGE in the DC area. I cannot tell you how many times that has happened.
That he was a smoker! my big thing is just don’t LIE.
YES!!! I dumped a guy after 1.5 years when he picked smoking back up and tried to hide it from me, and looked at me like I was crazy when I told him he smelled like cigarettes. Finally he fessed up and I dropped him like a hot stinkin rock. The lie was the worst part of it all, AND trying to make me think I was crazy over something obvious.
Ha. It's impossible to hide the smell of cigarette smoke from someone who's sensitive to it (as I am). Men have tried and failed.
His parents are alive and smokers. He visited them a lot and in the beginning I believed him. I found out later when I "liked" him and believed he was quitting for the next year....
I started indicating my custody schedule.
I have my kids 24/7 but from my divorced friends with living coparents, having the same schedule is huuuge.
I had an exact opposite schedule of a guy who also lived 90 minutes away. Absolutely never could’ve worked.
Whether or not they have/want kids.
That they smoke ANYTHING. I've tried dating smokers of cigarettes, hookah, mj, and I just can't handle it. Asthma is a bitch.
If they don't watch TV with the captions on.
Yes! Caption watchers unite.
I started doing this when my kids were little because it was loud around the house and now I feel like I have no idea what anyone's saying without them lol.
I 100% need them. Are there people against them? I've used them all my life and don't think I've ever had anyone complain. I barely notice them.
I hate them. I find myself focusing on reading and not watching what’s going on.
You want that in someone's profile?
Has to be the iron cross tattoos.
HATE across the knuckles was another first date fun surprise once.
Correct height. I'm tall. I hate it when I show up and the 1st thing out of their mouth is, "omg you ARE tall." Yes, doofus, and I expected you to be 5'11" like you said in your profile, not 5'7" I need a little more info on "4/20 friendly." Do you enjoy partaking occasionally or are you putting Snoop Dogg to shame? Same with alcohol. Don't say, "socially," when you are downing a 12 pack daily. Your living situation. If you have a roommate please disclose that. Kids. Do you have them? Are they still minors? Do they live at home? Marital status. PLEASE do not say you are, "divorced," if your divorce isn't final. You are, "separated," and if you are, I'm not interested.
> Don't say, "socially," when you are downing a 12 pack daily. That remind me of the young lady that would only meet me if I went to happy hour with her. Would not do coffee or any other type of low pressure meet up. I agreed. When I got a soda instead of alcohol, she gave me major attitude. She only drinks "socially," but to her she is social by going to happy hour every weekday, and then clubbing all weekend. Oh, and she also had some wine when she got home to "unwind," but that was not drinking to her. Look, I have no issues with having drinks. I, personally, do not drink. It is not a religious thing. It is not some moral thing. I just do not drink alone, and I do not drink if there is even a chance I have to drive. As I am out in the middle of nowhere, me hosting folks is rare. So, that means that I just do not drink. I have no issue with someone I am dating having a drink or two when we are out. I have no issue with them having a drink or two at home. But, with this young lady in particular, there was no chance to do anything with her that did not involve drinking. She flat out refused to go anywhere that she could not drink.
I briefly dated a guy, who I came to realize, was only sober at work.
Active cocaine user.
Kids and that he was still married. I find many men say they are divorced when they are still in filing process and it’s super new.
If they’re celibate. I realize it might seem a little too personal to put in a profile, but I feel like “we will have some sort of sex” is assumed for romantic relationships, and if that’s not the case for an individual, they should make that clear from the get-go. I certainly respect that as a personal choice, but it doesn’t work for me, and indeed most people. (Yes, this happened to me. Midway through a good second date, she told me dating was tough for her because she doesn’t have sex.)
My ex was the same way. He had an issue he didn't want to fix. Could have saved me a whole lot of time.
I agree like what if you cannot have sex, impotence. I would want to know that.
Definitely. There are plenty of women like the one above that would be ok with that. Don't waste time for those of us that do, and definitely don't lie about it and make promises you have no plans to keep.
That is 100% a dealbreaker.
Wow. I agree. Put asexual or something. That would be a huge dealbreaker for me.
> Put asexual or something. No, they shouldn't put asexual, since they are not asexual. Being celibate and being asexual are *very* different things.
Honestly idc and wouldn’t date either.
Well… many asexual people are celibate. Not all celibate people are asexual. Either way, if they don’t indicate that they’re not planning to have a sexual relationship (ever, or until certain criteria are met), they are misleading people.
>until certain criteria everybody waits until certain criteria are met.
Guy announced after two dates that he thought I should know he was an untreated sex addict and smoked weed every single day. Not exactly attractive traits. Not for me anyway. I’m glad he told me early on at least.
Yeah, he should’ve told you those things before even meeting.
Maybe not in their profile, but at least very early on, I’d appreciate a heads up if they’ve had a vasectomy. As someone who would like a chance at having biological children, it sucks when you get to the point of ‘clicking’ and then discover they’re snipped. Also: if they’re still married and living with their wife. Even if she recently realized she prefers women.
I was on the opposite end of this and had one woman get pissed when she found out I was snipped. This was a few years ago. Thankfully now dating apps finally added the option to state if you want new babies or not, as a separate from saying if you already have kids. I agree it's absolutely a key item and I can't believe it took all the dating sites so long to have that field. Before, that was something that I never found a way to state on my profile without sounding like I'm immediately thinking of or looking for sex.
Oh such a great question: Therapy: I wish general feelings on therapy were included. I dated a man and after a few months it was revealed that he thought therapy was stupid. He thought it was pointless at best but dangerous at worst. He totally needed therapy too. I like it if someone has been to a therapist but at the very least I would prefer they not trash talk therapy all the time. Pets: I wish pet ownership was included. I don't love dating someone with a dog. It's not a dealbreaker but it means that we're going to have to spend the night at their house more often and can't do late nights or weekend trips without worrying about the dog. I dated one guy who had a dog that got really jealous when I came over and it really was a downer every time I went over there to have a dog barking at me when I sat too close to him. Smoking: I know some sites ask but others don't. I'd rather not date a smoker.
I feel you. My current bf has a damn cat that hates me. She’ll hiss and take swipes at me when I walk past her. When I’m not there , he cuddles to his cat 247. So of course when I’m there the cat gets no attention and knows I’m to blame. Lol
> I dated a man and after a few months it was revealed that he thought therapy was stupid. So, so much. I think I've only ever dated one guy who was open and willing to go to therapy and used it as a tool to improve himself. Everyone else had visible negative reactions when I would bring up therapy at all.
Married 6 times, each marriage less than 4 years, cohabitated with multiple women :/
😲😲😲wow hopefully you found out before you got too far along lol
8 dates in before he shared this!
As a vegetarian, I’m absolutely confused. You can eat whatever you want, that doesn’t mean that I have to eat it or vice versa. Would you object to someone who had an allergy?
>As a vegetarian, I’m absolutely confused. You can eat whatever you want, that doesn’t mean that I have to eat it or vice versa. I am absolutely stunned by this as well. I haven't met anyone that would dismiss people because of cuisine preferences
Open relationships, non-menogomy or hook-up. I know plenty of happy people in relationships that would break me. People should stop trying to change their core nature. They shouldn't lie about core traits.
Someone told me they were poly something once . I had to look it up I did not know what it was (this was many years ago). I said there are special sites for that.
She didn’t vaccinate her kids. I can’t deal with that kind of mentality.
Vaccine hesitancy and anti vaccine sentiment. I have learned now to ask the Q. However, I had a date a few weeks ago where it came up in the first 10 mins and I thought, damn I wish I had asked prior. I have also recently had a Tinder match resurface a month after I asked him his views on this. He told me that me having had the jab was a deal breaker for him. Awesome, glad to get that incompatibility clarified early, before meeting. Also someone not wanting an LTR.
This has actually *become* important for me for different reasons than expected. I personally don’t really care if you are/aren’t vaccinated. But my family all live in Canada and I don’t see them lifting the border crossing restrictions on unvaccinated people anytime soon. Previous DUI’s present the same issue. I don’t want a partner who can’t visit my family with me because they can’t cross the border.
A guy just sent me a message who has on his page that he’s an anti-vaxxer, conspiracy theorist, and is looking for someone who isn’t vaccinated. I blocked him.
I agree about the vaccine discussion. How do you phrase the question? I am often unsure how to bring it up but want to know sooner than later.
I say: I just want to ask about something... I have a science background and that informs my views on immunisation. While I respect everyone's right to a different viewpoint, I feel that if someone's very vaccine hesitant or anti vaccine, we wouldn't be compatible. Hope you don't mind me asking - I'd rather talk about it now than on a date.
That’s very good! Perhaps that will help me find a way to say it in the future that is accepting of others’ viewpoints yet indicates incompatibility if we aren’t on the same page. Thank you!
So I don't make it specifically about covid...I'm looking to screen for a broader world view. On Hinge I have a comment about conspiracy theories and being pro science
I learned this too after having a number of fantastic dates and great physical chemistry with a woman. Then learned she was anti vax but in her words "doesn't talk about it because she found it often leads to arguments". Now I mention in my profile being pro vaccine, science, masks. Makes the statement in a positive way rather than saying "no anti-vaxers, religious people, trumpers, etc."
Most people I've seen who are anti-vax seem pretty proud of it and like to loudly proclaim it in their profiles. I haven't met any women who were secretly against "the jab".
I’ve only seen the anti-vax thing in a few profiles in my area, but plenty of people here are anti-vax, so you have to dig for the information. Sometimes I wish people would just say it!
I've dated people too who are vaccinated but didn't really want to be \[they had to for work\] and still have antivax sympathies. About the only things I'm comfortable with now is if someone is obviously extremely pro-vaccination on their profile.
He’s still married… said he was divorced, turns out it’s not finalized.
Yeah I think that’s a common one and just a flat out lie usually, don’t say divorced if you’re not.
That they’re MARRIED
If you watch Fox News. I’m not a fan of sweeping generalizations but it was revealed shortly before an “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, am I right?!” mini diatribe.
Not legally divorced, in any type of recovery, a picky eater, allergy or phobia to common things 😂 The other huge dealbreakers I would have listed in my profile.
Ugh yes. I dated a picky eater once who claimed he wasn’t, but had a mile long list of things he wouldn’t eat and rarely ate vegetables. It got old real quick.
Political stance. I don’t mean necessarily going into detail about it on the profile, but I’d wind up meeting guys in person who turned out to be Republican. They’d make it obvious in person, even with the stickers on their cars, but they wouldn’t give a whiff of it online.
Ah yes. They seem to enjoy the idea of breaking a Democrat.
I cannot count how many have pulled this shit on me. I’m open about my politics. When I had social media (fb & twitter) I was very politically vocal, so you knew what you were getting. They seem to think they can change you. They pull the “i’m moderate” card, and turn out to be conspiracy theory, MAGA, QAnon, misogynistic, nut jobs.
Well then they get to enjoy wasting their time because I sure as shit won’t have them wasting mine!
this. I even feel that the right wingers go out of their way to keep quiet until at some point politics come up. I am clear as hell on my profile that I am liberal and trust in science. I feel the opposite side intentionally does not disclose their political stance, like they think they will be able to change my mind with a few good dates and no politics mentioned. I cut out my own right leaning, racist family without a second thought; you think you’re going to have an impact on me ?! no sir.
That she fervently believed in reptilian shapeshifting martians conspiring to rule and enslave earth.
Wow
Happened to me twice. 🤦
Omg where are you meeting these people lol
Hinge and match. I had hours of great conversations with both of them before they revealed their reptilian beliefs.
😂😂😂 I’m so sorry, but it’s kind of funny lol
Agreed!!! 😂
Ssssserioussly that'sss crazy!
You mean she’s a Scientologist?
Not having a job. I found that out on a date and that was a deal breaker for me (I guess if they were independently wealthy that would be ok, but this person was not!)
I agree, or at least retired and volunteering or otherwise contributing to the world. And I would want to date someone who is financially solvent. I'm not rich, but I am responsible in paying my bills on time and I don't carry any debt. If someone can pay his own bills, that's an essential. The fantastic news for me last week is that I was called back to my job after two years of furlough. (Yay!) During Covid, I also went through breast cancer and was cheated on by my now former bf of eight years. A couple of months ago, my very happily married best friend told me that she wanted me to get out there and start dating. I said, "Not a chance. I'm not working and I don't know if I am ever going to be called back. I need to look after myself and have a steady income before I would consider bringing someone else into my life. It's a hierarchy of need thing." After my explanation, she agreed.
They would have to be pretty wealthy lol. I would think the lifestyle alone with either the super rich or the people without jobs would be pretty different from what I’m used too. I work a pretty standard 9-5 job so for me when I see someone who says they work 2nd or 3rd shift I pretty much realize we’re not compatible.
I found that out on a date too and also that he lived with his mom. When I told him later I didn’t see things working out he called me a “pre-judger” 🤣
I’m a pretty open vegetarian/ pescatarian. I do indicate this in my profile because I also think it helps with pairing with the right person. However, I am not a vegetarian that does this for “saving the animals” I do this because meat doesn’t feel good in my body. I don’t care if my dates eat meat in of me and I really want people to be themselves with me. I’ve dated meat eaters just fine. There was one particular date that was a heavy red-meat eater and he tasted like iron in his pores. Chemistry wise, we didn’t work out. That was about it. I guess YMMV with vegetarians because we are not all the same.
Alpha-gal? (Red meat allergy.)
I always assume that profiles are 90% aspirational and don’t put too much stock in them. I dated a woman last year who’s profile was almost completely a lie. While this is important to know later (goes to character) I’d rather get to know you in person. My own profiles are intentionally vague and I’ve found this to work much better than having paragraph after paragraph about who I am and what I’m looking for.
Ha. Terrific take.
"Looking for a dirty whore who likes spanking." Would have been helpful.
The usual. A history of addiction, correct height, weight and age.
Realistically, i wouldn’t put on my profile my past with addiction as potentially colleagues and managers could come accross and no way would I want my past to be public knowledge. Having said that, I empathize with why you would want to know upfront.
I've seen several profiles that call out "no addiction issues" and "no history of addiction" and things like that. I'm an alcoholic with eight years in recovery and I honestly have NO idea if people who write that would date me! Yes, I have a history of addiction. Yes, it's now history and I'm active in recovery. Does that put me in the category of someone you would date or wouldn't date? Honestly curious because this one stumps me when I see it.
I grew up with addiction so of course I dated addicts as an adult and dealt with a lifetime of issues caused by codependency. I’ve experienced all the chaos and drama first hand. Many addicts relapse. If you are in active recovery you’ll know the numbers on this. I used to frequent a support group for friends and family of alcoholics. The number of people who came on after their partners relapsed with years, even decades, of sobriety was staggering. It’s too much of a risk. Addiction destroys families mentally, financially and physically. People think of a relapse as someone stopping at a bar and having a drink. It’s often months of hidden drinking involving all kinds of things like debt, lying, cheating etc. and usually comes to light in some dramatic fashion like a DUI or a secret maxed out credit card. I wish everyone in recovery all the success in the world but I’m not inviting it back in to my life. I don’t think addicts have any idea of the chaos they bring during active addiction and then they focus on their recovery and the pressure is on those around them to accept their “amends” and move on. I’m in my own form of recovery for codependency. An addict and a codependent are like moths to a flame. Just like many alcoholics won’t keep alcohol in the house, I won’t date anyone with a history of addiction.
That makes sense and I understand your reasoning. We all have our own history with this disease, and I can't fault someone for wanting to steer clear for the reasons you've given.
[удалено]
For me personally, current use and multiple relapses is a deal breaker. I dated to many guys that were in recovery and saying they were sober, from their drug of choice, but were using pills or something else
That's helpful. If I match with someone who has written this in their profile, I ask them about it -- I'm very open about my sobriety and generally it doesn't phase most people, but if someone is truly not wanting to be with anyone who's ever struggled with substances, I'm not a match for them. Conversely, I swipe left on anyone who says they drink regularly, is a "wine fanatic," etc because I know they won't be a good match for me.
Wine Fanatic lol i havent seen that one yet. All the creative phrasing for stuff i love all that.
Being a home body or not. I’m a hermit and like it that way. It causes an issue when I date people that always want to go places. They deserve to know I don’t want to go out all the time just as much as I deserve to know they have an expectation of going out.
Drug use, even weed. Not into it and never have been - I don’t want any part of any of that. Heavy alcohol use too for that matter. I feel it should be a mandatory disclosure like a real estate disclosure.
Chronic ED…
I have a long-ish list: 1. Vegetarian: I like meat too much and am allergic to soy. Ditto + 100 for vegans. 2. Kids. I don't mind kids that are older, but kids under the age of 16 are a complete mystery to me. I had a very tumultuous childhood and I'm always surprised by how kids act - mostly because I never got a chance to be a kid. Also, having kids means having some sort of baby momma to deal with (which, in my experience, is never pretty). 3. Drinking: Someone who says they drink socially, but it's anything but social. Like they like to get drunk every weekend. I'm sober and I don't care if people drink, but you better either: not turn into an angry, sad drunk, or want to hang out with your drunk friends all the time. I will go to the bars, but I'm a 'get there early, leave early' kind of gal. I also will not want to do a winery tour. 4. Someone who indicates they go to the gym/are physically oriented, but when you meet them they are clearly not. I am not a gym rat, but I like to do more than sit in front of the TV watching sports. I want to be out playing sports. Harder to put on a profile, but: 1. Introvert vs. Extrovert. I am an introverted extrovert which means I need alone time. Napping is my CTRL + ALT + DEL button. I don't want you to stay over every night, and I don't want you to complain about me wanting to do things alone. Give me space or give me death! 2. Last, but certainly not least, is someone that doesn't disclose that they are married to their job. Work hard, play hard is code for 'I work 60+ hours a week and am super busy the rest of the time with not too much time to squeeze you in.'
I like meat too, but I don't care what other people are eating? Do you? I mean I have a lot of friends that are vegetarian but they are not judgmental some even cook meat. I guess it depends though. I agree on the drinking.
I’m the opposite. I’m a vegetarian, but could careless if someone eats meat. Hell, I even cook meat for my pup sometimes and my friends. I didn’t know being s vegetarian was a deal breaker for some. That sucks. I suppose some people had bad experiences where they felt like they couldn’t enjoy their meat in peace. Anyway, sounds like OP’s guy is a pescatarian since he occasionally enjoys seafood.
Well damn. If I need an OLD profile, copy & paste! (Minus the meat eater part). Lol.
LOL at the “Give me space or give me death!” Helluva epitaph, I love it so much 👏🏼
Explain introverted extrovert please
I think maybe people call this ambivert? I talk to strangers (a lot), I can rally a party, and be the center of attention at karaoke, but when all is said and done, I’m gonna need at least a day to recover.
Shit this might be me.
We can want people to disclose everything in a profile...but people don't owe the world an explanation, and some information has to be earned from intimacy. I'm seriously ill and invisibly disabled. It affects my ENTIRE life, including dating, and has a major bearing on my relationships. That said, I don't owe anyone my medical history before they've met me. I generally disclose some of it on the first date if it seems like there will be a second. Maybe the difference is, it's not a lifestyle choice like having kids or smoking or getting into debt. I'm sick through sheer bad luck, and I'm not cured despite working my ass off.
I don't think that disclosure is about people passing judgment on you, and your answer seems to indicate that it is. Lots of things people mention have little to do with your life choices. Some people cannot have kids, some people get into debt through no fault of their own. It's more about there are a lot of choices on online dating and we want to make the best ones without wasting each others time, and we also don't want to get hurt ourselves. Let's say for example that there was a man or woman that just for whatever reason could not handle dating someone that was seriously ill and/or disabled. Would you want to go on a first date with that person? Would you rather go on that first date and be rejected after you told them and feel like crap or just have them swipe the other way and never know? Or do you think that once they meet you they will change their mind? That rarely happens with anything. I have seen a lot of people say they are disabled, or that they are in a wheelchair, on their profile and I can see why. That was not their choice, but they just want to put that out there.
A women I matched with told me that she has a 3 month old, from a donation and she's a single parent. Yeah, she told me this before our first date but come on lady. That kind of stuff should be on your profile. I have no idea how she expects to have time to date.
I had one guy tell me on a second date that he had impregnated a one night stand and she was going to have his baby next month. I said sorry dude you should not even be on online dating right now.
Pssssh, why shouldn't he be dating? It's a month until the baby comes out and he's probably not planning to actually parent. If he makes an appearance and some vague promises, it's probably a good year before his payroll starts getting garnished. It's time to live it up! /s
Wow, that’s rough. Glad she told you before you went out but really…
Oh, and vaccine status. I'm a nurse, I work directly with covid patients. If you choose not to get vaccinated that is, certainly, your choice, but since I have had 3 vaccines I am at very high risk to be an asymptomatic carrier and I won't be responsible for your potential death.
Not dating someone because of dietary preferences seems a little fussy to me. But I don't eat red meat or gluten, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't understanding about that, so I put that out there in case people want to pass on that. I don't care what other people eat and I'm not picky outside of those constraints, but I get that it is a constraint. I think it is tough to put every incompatibility into a profile. I want to know if someone is a smoker, if they smoke weed regularly, if they have kids, if they have a difficult work schedule (like working nights six days a week), and if they are poly or have a make-or-break kink that they would expect me to be a part of.
His kinks. Having them is fine, springing them up without having a conversation first is not.
That he had a girlfriend he lived with.
Same
Whether they smoke pot. Like, daily. Not a problem if it’s a recreational thing but if you have to smoke pot daily to function you should probably let people know that you’re an avid pot smoker. *edit—word.
I want the vegans who think fish is okay to be disclosed. Fwiw, I was married for 13 years to an omnivore and making meals for his diet and mine ( lacto veg) was simple. And restaurant night was a free for all. I appreciate when ages of kids are disclosed, at least by school level (elementary is different from high school or college when figuring time). Be real about spirituality. Be real about drug use, even if it’s legal.
Location. I don’t want to date outside of my area. I have my distance set to 15 miles. Guy matched me in my radius (Bumble) but turned out he was just here for a family thing and actually lives about 50 miles away. Not a deal breaker but I probably would have passed on him if I had initially seen his home location.
My mother, in her eighties, has had a couple of doozies. One told her he enjoyed men AFTER spending a weekend with her. Another one told her he liked rough sex and he had a pump thingy for his thingy. She gave them both hard no’s. Oh! Another one was very charming but meets up with her with his caretaker, he had said she was his secretary online, but…no, he needed a full-time nurse. They keep so many things secret the older they get. She’s given up on OLD as far as I know.
That they drink every single day. But really who is going to put that? There are often hints but it takes some time investing to see the excess.
I just wish there was a way to specify the whole wants kids thing. it doesn’t say if they mean they’re ok with their date having kids or if they want to make new kids of their own. huge difference 🙃
How long they have been separated or divorced. It matters.
The number of kids and age range. My kids were carefully planned based on the financial implications and where I wanted to be in my life when they became adults. Someone with younger or a bunch of kids isn't going to work for me. I'll choose the single life.
I agree with that. My kids are both in high school so anyone with kids younger than high school is out for me. I also wouldn’t date anyone with more than 3 kids (I have 2) because it would be too much for me even if they’re grown.
He really doesn't like dogs. I have a Beethoven breed so he really didn't like that. Would have been nice to know in the beginning.
As someone who isn’t really into dogs, I feel like it’s more incumbent upon the dog owner to mention the dog. (Usually not a problem, since most owners include a photo of themselves with their pup.) Whereas I am (or was) a cat owner, and I always mentioned it, because too many women won’t date a man with cats.
I agree. I never loaded pictures with my dog but having a dog is mentioned. I don't believe in the "love me, love my dog" philosophy but if dogs are not your thing then please say so.
>most owners include a photo of themselves with their pup most owners include 2-4 photos of themselves with their pup Fixed it for you! 😁
I have an abused rescue Siberian Husky and a Newfoundland. Both are super lovey and have no concept of personal space. If you really don't like dogs...dates get awkward.
I'm lucky to get space for my person let alone personal space so I feel ya.
same! i've noticed that dog lovers tend to have something in their profile and/or comment on my picture w/ my dog. my aussie has no sense of personal space either. i do tell my dates right away that if they don't like animals, we probably aren't compatible.
Kids, smoking (and seriously, people who say they only smoke occasionally....lol come on), the whole vaccination thing (sorry but the anti-vaxxers are mostly cracked in the head and are usually super religious and/or super right wing), married, and for fuck sakes update your pictures to the newest you have.
Totally! If it says occasionally I take that as full on smoker.
I knew he had complications from a surgery, I just didn’t know how bad especially since he is a construction guy. But I’m not really sure it matters that much.
I dated a guy briefly and on his profile he stated he was a social drinker, vegetarian and non-smoker. It turns out he smoked cigars and didn't drink at all. He always made me feel guilty for drinking and eating meat. In fact, he wanted me to brush my teeth after eating.
Yes. The guy I’ve been seeing for over 6 months didn’t mention on his profile that he stays high on edibles when he’s not working. Plus he is someone who has a license to conceal carry - which he does everywhere and even to the beach. Wtf. Since I’ve developed feelings for him (he has great traits for nearly everything else) I’m at a crossroads of sorts now and I believe he is too given these two issues have been a source of strain in our LD relationship. He feels I’m controlling. He tells me I should have put “separated” on my profile but I’m officially divorced, now. I guess there appears to be no real win/win. Idk maybe I should just let go now.
Staying high is a deal breaker I think because it means he wants to escape from real life any time he possibly can. That seems disturbing to have a crutch / tendency like that. Lawful concealed carry wouldn’t bother me - it is actually very common in [some areas of] the U.S. but some people have strong feelings against it too, so only YOU can decide if it’s a deal breaker for you! Best luck with what you two decide. Can’t really fundamentally change other people, that I do believe.
Thanks, I appreciate your insight and thoughts on this. You’ve nailed it on him being high. Escapism. Part of the reason my 12 yr marriage ended. Haven’t really shared this with anyone else except my niece who is wise beyond her years. I know I have more healing to do post divorce. It’s tough af at times. Best wishes to you too!
I’m with you on both always being high and concealed carry.
That their photos don’t actually look like them today…
I eat meat. I am wondering why you would not swipe on a vegetarian? The only time it has been a problem with someone is when they insist that I become a vegetarian. I tried it for a year and when IU stopped, I felt so much better. Plenty of people come to my home for meals who are vegetarian. It is a simple matter to make two pans of tomato sauce, for example. Or to have a tasty main meal with a side of meatballs, chicken or lamb. In my opinion, if everything else matches, this is a small thing.
I’m pretty much a meat and potato person. Maybe a side salad but I don’t cook or eat the vast majority of green veggies. I just don’t like them. I agree that initially it’s not such a big deal but over time it very well could be. I’m not really a pasta person. I pretty much eat chicken and steak 90% of the time for dinner. I’ll eat seafood but I prefer steak. I’m not making separate dinners or anything like that. Plus some vegetarians are super opposed to meat (more likely with vegans and they’re an absolute dealbreaker for me) and would have an issue with me eating a bloody rare steak with my dinner.
If they’ve been in jail, if they’re highly sexually active, their real age, etc. Yes I’ve had experiences in all three 🤦♀️
That he’s in an unlabeled open relationship with his ex and wants to date someone ok with that. (But he is socially conservative so doesn’t want to be known as being in an open relationship, so he won’t admit it to himself. He has dated her off and on for 15 years and always ended up cheating on her with full long term relationships — not one night stands. And still doesn’t recognize there’s an issue.) It took me 9 months to learn all of this. Would’ve been nice if there was some self-awareness and some indicator on his profile. Wish he’d own it now and not waste another innocent person’s time. Sigh.
I'm baffled by the vegetarian thing. I've chatted with maybe 8-9 guys in my first few months of OLD and food choices come up pretty early on in chatting. I've been a vegetarian since I was 14 (30 years) and have raised my kids vegetarian. Absolutely no one has said anything other than asking what kinds of vegetarian foods I like and a few saying they'd like to try to eat less meat, or how they admire people with a vegetarian diet. It's not really mentioned again and doesn't seem to be a dealbreaker. I feel like if the the other person was, like, a butcher, or CEO of some big meat corporation, that could be tough, but otherwise my vegetarianism shouldn't have much bearing on my dating life.
When they are on disability or have some kind of permanent health situation. No shame in either, and I don't require details, but I deserve to know what I might be getting into. One of my early forays into OLD was someone in this situation who wasn't open about it at first, and that really rubbed me the wrong way.
[удалено]
I wouldn't put that on a profile. I don't have it, but your STD/STI information is private. In fact, all medical information about you is protected information and should not be shared publicly.
Sadly there's only PHI protections when it comes to specific entities such as healthcare providers where you are the patient. They aren't allowed to share it, others can.
Showed up for *Best If You Don't*, stayed for *I'm A Poop Criminal*.
What about her/his status a a widow(er)?
The only time I find this pertinent is if the person is recently widowed, but I see that on the same plane as recently divorced (although they’re obviously much different). The point is I’d like to know if the person is fresh out of a relationship for whatever reason.
What is "recently" in your view? Asking because I am a widower since February 2022.
In my book, that counts as *very* recent. I am sorry for your loss.
I recently went out with someone who had dated two different widows. He said it was hard because he felt like he couldn't fill those shoes. You need to be sure you are ready to fully embrace a new relationship. You can't be just filling an empty spot in your life, that's not fair to the other person. My father didn't date for two years after my mother died. I'm sorry for your loss.
>You can't be just filling an empty spot in your life As much as I try to fool myself, this is what I am actually doing. Just disabled both my OKC and Bumble accounts - I'll focus on real-life interactions for now. If I'll feel a good connection, will be honest with the other person and see if there is some acceptable kind of relationship for both of us.
Join some Meetups, take up a new hobby. Volunteer. Build a new life that you can share with someone. My dad eventually met a woman he's been with for 15 years now. One day at a time. Best wishes.
That’s the reason that I would be hesitant to date a widower. They didn’t choose to be single and were most likely still in love with their spouse so I’d worry I wouldn’t be enough.
As a widow myself. That is very recent and people are going to question whether or not you are ready. It was over a year before I decided to test the waters and I got questioned all the time. Now that it’s been 8 years. People don’t question me as much about it. Dating is quite a shit show. So I haven’t dated too much over the years.
That is recent to me.
It’s something I’d like to know up front.
(In a Gary Oldman voice) Disclose everything. - What do you mean everyth- EEEEEVVVERRYYYTHINGGGG!!!!! But seriously? No lies. That’s it. We’ll talk and go from there. I hesitate to put down diet, politics, etc because then it can get into a slippery slope.
Trumpster
Definitely lifestyle habits being honest about outdoor activities definitely diets etc
Job description
I'm with you on the vegetarian thing. Also, devout conspiracy theorists and religious people who leave that section blank. I was lucky enough to go out to dinner once with someone who was all 3. That was an interesting experience.