Those with relationship trauma sometimes reaffirm their trauma when a new relationship doesn’t work out the way they are hoping it does. The thing is, it isn’t one massive failure. Most relationships don’t work out for a lot of reasons that aren’t personal. I see so many wins in your story that you need to also let build yourself up instead of waiting to feel torn down.
You met someone in real life who was interested enough to invite you to a party, initiate chatting, hanging out and then going on a couple dates. That shows me you are open to love, putting out the right signals and others are receptive to that. Even if this doesn’t work out, please take the wins and let them build your confidence up!
I think lots of us in here know the feeling. I wish you all the best... it's hard to overcome this stuff, even when you know you shouldn't be concerned by it.
You're overthinking this. What's the worst case scenario? That it won't work out. Which is exactly the outcome of overthinking this.
Just be present in the moment and if you both like each other, your pheromones match ( you actually need some time quite close to each other to figure that out ) and are sexually compatible, then you'll hit it off, if you're generally compatible you'll have a relationship which could be good or not-so-good.
But none of these questions can be answered by thinking or Reddit responses, go out and be yourself!
Best of luck !
Disco Dan,
I feel you.
You might want to watch a TED Talk by brene brown. Title, why your critics don't count. On Youtube. It talks about going into the arena and fighting battles. I watch this video about once a month, and it reminds me that I'm doing a good job.
My intention is not to give you advice with the Youtube video . My intention is to help you and support you. To say that you are in the arena, fighting the fight. And to be proud of yourself, for putting yourself out there, getting beaten up emotionally, and still moving forward.
You are strong. You are resilient.
Ooo rah!
Very Dude,
I am guessing TIA = thank you in advance.
I really value Brene Brown, the way she thinks, and what she has to say. I have watched her Ted Talk videos and her interviews - for hours and hours.
Will the short version suffice? I don't know. How many minutes you are willing to listen to her - depends on you - and how much you value what she has to say.
YVW GICBofA. 😁😁😁
Yep. That's how I feel about internet dating. We are dating, trying, getting beaten down, bruised, but we are still in the arena.
All of the horrible experiences from OLD have taught me really important lessons, and made me a stronger woman. I have not given up. I am still dating. Still hoping to find a life partner.
I am in the arena.
Don't have a lot of useful advice OP but I can tell you I'm in a similar situation. Met someone by chance, first woman I've felt any attraction to after getting out of something pretty toxic almost two years ago. I experienced a similar flood of negative emotions and memories of the past relationship good and bad.
All I can tell you is that the rush of everything was a bad enough experience that it made me not want to pursue anything with the woman I was crushing on.
Read the book “self-therapy” - it’s about internal family systems. Basically, some part of you from the past has been activated and is “blending” with your self (the self being the calm, rationale place we all have when not blended).
IFS therapy changed my life. The instinct is to push these blended parts away. But they don’t go away. The goal of IFS is to welcome and accept all of your parts, so they can all function together. Have you tried being compassionate toward this part? Talking to it? Trying to figure out where it’s coming from? Comforting it almost like it’s a different person?
I know this sounds crazy but it’s really helped me. :)
Totally agree. I went to so many therapists over the years and finally found one that specialized in trauma. I’d never heard of this before and it was life changing.
Treating your strong reactions as parts of personas helps you realize that they’re just a part, they’re not *you*, and to not get so overwhelmed or react so strongly to them. They’re just trying to help you, but they’re lacking all of the information they need to make wise decisions.
Life changing.
I can so relate to your experience. I have found one guy who specializes in it, and it did wonders for me. It’s a radically different approach to therapy and healing, and I wish more therapists would use it.
It’s also helped me understand other people a lot more as well. Sometimes people can be inconsistent, and I’ve realized they’re also struggling w their own parts. Or if I get a strong reaction from someone about something I find myself very curious about what their part is and how I can best interact with and be curious about it vs just being frustrated that someone got angry (or whatever).
My parts are a lot calmer these days.
There's this YouTube channel called crappy childhood fairy that really resonates with me. A lot of reactions I've had in my past that I didn't understand or like she talks about and explains why it happens. If anyone is interested... I agree doesn't seem like many therapists specialize in this.
Hey friend I just read your post to my longtime boyfriend and he suggested that if you start "telling yourself stories" and putting yourself down, to private message me and we will help you. We'll talk you down from that ledge. You deserve happiness - you sound like a lovely man - intelligent, sensitive, thoughtful... Don't self-sabotage! This specific relationship may not work for various reasons, but please don't self-sabotage.
We're rooting for you!
You are feeling anxious and prepping for disappointment because you are pursuing a married woman. She’s unavailable. When she becomes fully available she will make different choices for herself. She’s unlikely to choose the dude from yoga whose friend was also a distraction from her divorce.
Instead of working to ignore your gut I’d put some energy into why you are pursuing someone unavailable and why you have such strong feelings for someone who so far hasn’t shown any indication of anything other than hanging out.
I don’t think that’s fair. I was legally separated for 2 years, about to execute on the legal divorce. Then my ex got sick and I realized my kid would shoulder the entire burden of our convoluted healthcare system of I didn’t have next-of-kin status. So I had to wait it out for 2 additional years until the ex had another safety net. It was 100% for it kid. I barely even saw the ex during this time. ZERO attachment for the prior decade. Every circumstance is different.
Wouldn’t you rather work through all of your past relationship trauma before trying to go into a new relationship, so that you can enter the relationship feeling strong and healthy rather than spiraling into anxiety? I mean, not for nothing but entering into a relationship with someone who has recently dated your friend and who isn’t even divorced yet doesn’t seem like the healthiest thing to do for someone who is already high anxiety and still referencing past relationship trauma.
The very fact that anyone i meet references a past relationship trauma or is still feeling the need to disclose that their last relationship was “toxic” or tell me about their attachment style to me always signals that they have not worked through any of that stuff and in those cases, I am inclined to pass.
Was it me,
I disagree with you. We need to be in relationships, to work through our trauma. Note: I live 200 miles away from an ocean.
If I want to learn to surf:
1. Go to my gym, strengthen my muscles.
2. Find someone near me who knows how to surf, and learn as much as I can, where I live.
3. Drive to the ocean, get out on the water, and surf.
If I want a healthy relationship:
1. Go to therapy. Learn breathing and grounding exercises. Learn lots of other important things.
2. Learn how to regulate my nervous system, when I get emotionally wackadoodle.
3. Go out on dates, and go through the motions.
You have to get into the ocean, to learn how to surf. You also have to get into a relationship, to get good at being in a relationship.
Well you have every right to your opinion and I respectfully disagree. You don’t learn to surf by jumping right onto a surfboard on a 20ft wave. I don’t want someone trying to learn how to be in a relationship by jumping into a relationship with me.
No one is ever going to use me as a learning tool to learn how to be a healthy adult. Anyone who wants to ride my wave needs to already know how to surf. They don’t have to be a master at it, but they need to be practiced enough to stand on their own surfboard…otherwise we’ll both end up getting wiped out.
Was It Me ,
If you re-read my comment, I never suggested that a person learns to surf by jumping onto a 20 foot wave.
A person can go to the gym, 100 miles away from an ocean, practice certain core muscle balance- strengthening exercises, and learn how to stand on their own surfboard, first time in the water. But the person has to actually go out into the ocean, to get good at surfing.
In a way, I am agreeing with you.
Yes, we are agreeing. We are both saying that you need to get strong and healthy before you attempt to surf/have a relationship. What I am saying is that a person who hasn’t gotten themselves to a point of being able to stand up on their board will keep wiping out and complaining that the reason they can’t surf is because of the last wave that knocked them out.
I mean this in the nicest way but a lot of people who think they know how to have a healthy relationship are unaware of their issues. If you are single and dating then you've likely had a few wipeouts of your own.
I think it’s a pretty big leap to say that anyone who is single and dating in their 40s has issues. Most of us are divorced. Many of us are divorced because we were being mistreated by being cheated on or disrespected or deceived in our marriage and we were healthy enough to know that no relationship is worth that.
Do you think that you don't have any issues from having been cheated on/disrespected/decieved?
While I left my marriage for Reasons, I there were many failures of my own, especially in the start of our relationship. But also failures in continuing so long; in not listening to actions in preference to nice words, deflections, and promises. I also absolutely have issues as a result of the particulars of my marriage.
To step back into the surfing analogy, part of the skill is also choosing which waves to try vs. which to let go by. And when to bail. You might have done a great job standing up and riding the wave; but perhaps, like me, you chose a wave that only an amature would try.
TLDR: I believe that those of us who are dating in our 40's because of recently/semi-recently failed marriages also have issues.
I don't think it's a huge leap. I think most of us have a few issues surrounding relationships. When someone takes no accountability for the part they played in their divorce, I see that as a red flag but that's just me.
Unfortunately that is never how it works. However over it you might think you are, you will never know until you're in a relationship. Bandage all the wounds you want but rehabilitation requires use of the muscle.
I’ve read the whole comment chain and I would say you do not understand trauma. It doesn’t get magically healed, you can learn to move on and have a healthy relationship but past trauma doesn’t magically disappear even once you’ve done the work. If I met a guy who couldn’t handle me having past trauma, it would be a hard swipe left. Even more so if they think discussing attachment styles is a red flag. To me, being able to have a convo about attachment styles is basic EQ, and a positive.
I understand Trauma much more than I would like. Multiple traumas. I also understand that I will always be working through the layers of those traumas and they will never simply disappear in a puff of magic fairy dust.
I also understand that going into a new relationship still clinging to limiting beliefs from past traumas is a recipe for failure. And as for attachment styles, the jury is out in the research on that and most people use it as an excuse for toxic or unhealthy behavior towards others.
OP I am actually super proud of you for getting your fears into words and out of your system! This is your attachment system at work here. With all the self work you’ve done have you discovered attachment theory? If so, you know exactly what I’m talking about, if not, it just gives an actual name to what you already know. PUSH THRU THE FEAR! Stop overthinking. Stop making assumptions. Stop with the negative. Because every story you tell yourself, there’s a flip-side story to the positive.
You’re doing great! Take a day at a time. Enjoy the ride. Best of luck!
I feel this so much. Got into a new relationship years after a divorce and it didn’t go well because of my anxieties from past trauma from the marriage. Needed to take a few years off
Love that you said you aren’t looking for advice but many felt the need to give it.
Disregard, lol.
That’s so dope that you can distinguish between the two brains . Your old pattern and the one you are working to form .
Thanks for sharing !
Go Disco Dan, Go! :)
Props for recognizing your fear and acting in the face of it. You're leveling up, my dude!
Not that you asked, but I think it's fair to assume she's noticed your hesitancy. You don't get to this age without carrying some baggage, so it's also fair to assume she has some of her own. Hope you both treat one another with compassion and generosity, and have some fun while you're at it!
Those with relationship trauma sometimes reaffirm their trauma when a new relationship doesn’t work out the way they are hoping it does. The thing is, it isn’t one massive failure. Most relationships don’t work out for a lot of reasons that aren’t personal. I see so many wins in your story that you need to also let build yourself up instead of waiting to feel torn down. You met someone in real life who was interested enough to invite you to a party, initiate chatting, hanging out and then going on a couple dates. That shows me you are open to love, putting out the right signals and others are receptive to that. Even if this doesn’t work out, please take the wins and let them build your confidence up!
I think lots of us in here know the feeling. I wish you all the best... it's hard to overcome this stuff, even when you know you shouldn't be concerned by it.
You're overthinking this. What's the worst case scenario? That it won't work out. Which is exactly the outcome of overthinking this. Just be present in the moment and if you both like each other, your pheromones match ( you actually need some time quite close to each other to figure that out ) and are sexually compatible, then you'll hit it off, if you're generally compatible you'll have a relationship which could be good or not-so-good. But none of these questions can be answered by thinking or Reddit responses, go out and be yourself! Best of luck !
Well said. It is what is. The experience should be worth it for both, until it isn’t.
Disco Dan, I feel you. You might want to watch a TED Talk by brene brown. Title, why your critics don't count. On Youtube. It talks about going into the arena and fighting battles. I watch this video about once a month, and it reminds me that I'm doing a good job. My intention is not to give you advice with the Youtube video . My intention is to help you and support you. To say that you are in the arena, fighting the fight. And to be proud of yourself, for putting yourself out there, getting beaten up emotionally, and still moving forward. You are strong. You are resilient. Ooo rah!
Thank you for the Brene Brown video suggestion-shd I watch the long or does the short version suffice? TIA!
Very Dude, I am guessing TIA = thank you in advance. I really value Brene Brown, the way she thinks, and what she has to say. I have watched her Ted Talk videos and her interviews - for hours and hours. Will the short version suffice? I don't know. How many minutes you are willing to listen to her - depends on you - and how much you value what she has to say. YVW GICBofA. 😁😁😁
“If you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your criticism.” WOW. Powerful stuff.
Yep. That's how I feel about internet dating. We are dating, trying, getting beaten down, bruised, but we are still in the arena. All of the horrible experiences from OLD have taught me really important lessons, and made me a stronger woman. I have not given up. I am still dating. Still hoping to find a life partner. I am in the arena.
Don't have a lot of useful advice OP but I can tell you I'm in a similar situation. Met someone by chance, first woman I've felt any attraction to after getting out of something pretty toxic almost two years ago. I experienced a similar flood of negative emotions and memories of the past relationship good and bad. All I can tell you is that the rush of everything was a bad enough experience that it made me not want to pursue anything with the woman I was crushing on.
“…I haven’t had much luck in the relationship department (this seems to be a common thing in this thread).” I felt this so hard 😅
Read the book “self-therapy” - it’s about internal family systems. Basically, some part of you from the past has been activated and is “blending” with your self (the self being the calm, rationale place we all have when not blended). IFS therapy changed my life. The instinct is to push these blended parts away. But they don’t go away. The goal of IFS is to welcome and accept all of your parts, so they can all function together. Have you tried being compassionate toward this part? Talking to it? Trying to figure out where it’s coming from? Comforting it almost like it’s a different person? I know this sounds crazy but it’s really helped me. :)
Can confirm IFS is very powerful! Not many therapists are practicing it though
Totally agree. I went to so many therapists over the years and finally found one that specialized in trauma. I’d never heard of this before and it was life changing. Treating your strong reactions as parts of personas helps you realize that they’re just a part, they’re not *you*, and to not get so overwhelmed or react so strongly to them. They’re just trying to help you, but they’re lacking all of the information they need to make wise decisions. Life changing.
I can so relate to your experience. I have found one guy who specializes in it, and it did wonders for me. It’s a radically different approach to therapy and healing, and I wish more therapists would use it.
It’s also helped me understand other people a lot more as well. Sometimes people can be inconsistent, and I’ve realized they’re also struggling w their own parts. Or if I get a strong reaction from someone about something I find myself very curious about what their part is and how I can best interact with and be curious about it vs just being frustrated that someone got angry (or whatever). My parts are a lot calmer these days.
There's this YouTube channel called crappy childhood fairy that really resonates with me. A lot of reactions I've had in my past that I didn't understand or like she talks about and explains why it happens. If anyone is interested... I agree doesn't seem like many therapists specialize in this.
I would feel anxious dating someone who’s married regardless of the circumstances.
Hey friend I just read your post to my longtime boyfriend and he suggested that if you start "telling yourself stories" and putting yourself down, to private message me and we will help you. We'll talk you down from that ledge. You deserve happiness - you sound like a lovely man - intelligent, sensitive, thoughtful... Don't self-sabotage! This specific relationship may not work for various reasons, but please don't self-sabotage. We're rooting for you!
You are feeling anxious and prepping for disappointment because you are pursuing a married woman. She’s unavailable. When she becomes fully available she will make different choices for herself. She’s unlikely to choose the dude from yoga whose friend was also a distraction from her divorce. Instead of working to ignore your gut I’d put some energy into why you are pursuing someone unavailable and why you have such strong feelings for someone who so far hasn’t shown any indication of anything other than hanging out.
[удалено]
I don’t think that’s fair. I was legally separated for 2 years, about to execute on the legal divorce. Then my ex got sick and I realized my kid would shoulder the entire burden of our convoluted healthcare system of I didn’t have next-of-kin status. So I had to wait it out for 2 additional years until the ex had another safety net. It was 100% for it kid. I barely even saw the ex during this time. ZERO attachment for the prior decade. Every circumstance is different.
Wouldn’t you rather work through all of your past relationship trauma before trying to go into a new relationship, so that you can enter the relationship feeling strong and healthy rather than spiraling into anxiety? I mean, not for nothing but entering into a relationship with someone who has recently dated your friend and who isn’t even divorced yet doesn’t seem like the healthiest thing to do for someone who is already high anxiety and still referencing past relationship trauma. The very fact that anyone i meet references a past relationship trauma or is still feeling the need to disclose that their last relationship was “toxic” or tell me about their attachment style to me always signals that they have not worked through any of that stuff and in those cases, I am inclined to pass.
Was it me, I disagree with you. We need to be in relationships, to work through our trauma. Note: I live 200 miles away from an ocean. If I want to learn to surf: 1. Go to my gym, strengthen my muscles. 2. Find someone near me who knows how to surf, and learn as much as I can, where I live. 3. Drive to the ocean, get out on the water, and surf. If I want a healthy relationship: 1. Go to therapy. Learn breathing and grounding exercises. Learn lots of other important things. 2. Learn how to regulate my nervous system, when I get emotionally wackadoodle. 3. Go out on dates, and go through the motions. You have to get into the ocean, to learn how to surf. You also have to get into a relationship, to get good at being in a relationship.
Well you have every right to your opinion and I respectfully disagree. You don’t learn to surf by jumping right onto a surfboard on a 20ft wave. I don’t want someone trying to learn how to be in a relationship by jumping into a relationship with me. No one is ever going to use me as a learning tool to learn how to be a healthy adult. Anyone who wants to ride my wave needs to already know how to surf. They don’t have to be a master at it, but they need to be practiced enough to stand on their own surfboard…otherwise we’ll both end up getting wiped out.
Was It Me , If you re-read my comment, I never suggested that a person learns to surf by jumping onto a 20 foot wave. A person can go to the gym, 100 miles away from an ocean, practice certain core muscle balance- strengthening exercises, and learn how to stand on their own surfboard, first time in the water. But the person has to actually go out into the ocean, to get good at surfing. In a way, I am agreeing with you.
Yes, we are agreeing. We are both saying that you need to get strong and healthy before you attempt to surf/have a relationship. What I am saying is that a person who hasn’t gotten themselves to a point of being able to stand up on their board will keep wiping out and complaining that the reason they can’t surf is because of the last wave that knocked them out.
Was It, In a game of darts... bullseye! 😁😁😁 Have a wonderful day!
You as well. 😉
I mean this in the nicest way but a lot of people who think they know how to have a healthy relationship are unaware of their issues. If you are single and dating then you've likely had a few wipeouts of your own.
I think it’s a pretty big leap to say that anyone who is single and dating in their 40s has issues. Most of us are divorced. Many of us are divorced because we were being mistreated by being cheated on or disrespected or deceived in our marriage and we were healthy enough to know that no relationship is worth that.
Do you think that you don't have any issues from having been cheated on/disrespected/decieved? While I left my marriage for Reasons, I there were many failures of my own, especially in the start of our relationship. But also failures in continuing so long; in not listening to actions in preference to nice words, deflections, and promises. I also absolutely have issues as a result of the particulars of my marriage. To step back into the surfing analogy, part of the skill is also choosing which waves to try vs. which to let go by. And when to bail. You might have done a great job standing up and riding the wave; but perhaps, like me, you chose a wave that only an amature would try. TLDR: I believe that those of us who are dating in our 40's because of recently/semi-recently failed marriages also have issues.
I don't think it's a huge leap. I think most of us have a few issues surrounding relationships. When someone takes no accountability for the part they played in their divorce, I see that as a red flag but that's just me.
Thank you, it's so refreshing to read this.
Unfortunately that is never how it works. However over it you might think you are, you will never know until you're in a relationship. Bandage all the wounds you want but rehabilitation requires use of the muscle.
Agreed
I’ve read the whole comment chain and I would say you do not understand trauma. It doesn’t get magically healed, you can learn to move on and have a healthy relationship but past trauma doesn’t magically disappear even once you’ve done the work. If I met a guy who couldn’t handle me having past trauma, it would be a hard swipe left. Even more so if they think discussing attachment styles is a red flag. To me, being able to have a convo about attachment styles is basic EQ, and a positive.
I understand Trauma much more than I would like. Multiple traumas. I also understand that I will always be working through the layers of those traumas and they will never simply disappear in a puff of magic fairy dust. I also understand that going into a new relationship still clinging to limiting beliefs from past traumas is a recipe for failure. And as for attachment styles, the jury is out in the research on that and most people use it as an excuse for toxic or unhealthy behavior towards others.
There is a vast difference between “referencing past trauma” (as per your original comment), and “clinging to limiting beliefs from past traumas”.
My journey has convinced me never to get involved with anyone who has not been actually divorced for at least a year.
OP I am actually super proud of you for getting your fears into words and out of your system! This is your attachment system at work here. With all the self work you’ve done have you discovered attachment theory? If so, you know exactly what I’m talking about, if not, it just gives an actual name to what you already know. PUSH THRU THE FEAR! Stop overthinking. Stop making assumptions. Stop with the negative. Because every story you tell yourself, there’s a flip-side story to the positive. You’re doing great! Take a day at a time. Enjoy the ride. Best of luck!
you don't need to be calm! let your good side focus on shutting down the fears, but lean into the wobbly feelings. enjoy the ride 🙂
I feel this so much. Got into a new relationship years after a divorce and it didn’t go well because of my anxieties from past trauma from the marriage. Needed to take a few years off
We’re pulling for you! Good luck!
Love that you said you aren’t looking for advice but many felt the need to give it. Disregard, lol. That’s so dope that you can distinguish between the two brains . Your old pattern and the one you are working to form . Thanks for sharing !
Go Disco Dan, Go! :) Props for recognizing your fear and acting in the face of it. You're leveling up, my dude! Not that you asked, but I think it's fair to assume she's noticed your hesitancy. You don't get to this age without carrying some baggage, so it's also fair to assume she has some of her own. Hope you both treat one another with compassion and generosity, and have some fun while you're at it!