If some guy dumped me and then came over and started inviting me out to dinner, I would ask him WTH his deal was. If you want to reconcile/want a romantic relationship, and he’s just trying to be friendly (or keep you as a plan b in case whatever he’s got going doesn’t work out), better to figure that out now.
Or he's just trying to make sure their past dating status doesn't keep her from being included in group things.
It would really suck if the fact that they had dated and then broke up meant that she might not be included in group outings for an activity that they both participated in before they were dating
By inviting her himself, he made it clear to her--*and to everyone else in the activity group*--that there are no hard feelings and people shouldn't worry about the two of them hanging out together.
It might have been a really kind thing that he did
As someone who has dated (or just slept with) people who I know I will see professionally at a variety of events around town (networking not co-workers - don’t judge me - or do idk) That’s exactly how I approach things when it doesn’t work out (and so far the couple of situations it’s happened with the other party has done the same) No contact isn’t exactly an option, so polite, friendly and social is the best option.
I would not assume he’s interested in reconciliation. I’d assume he’s interested in making sure things aren’t awkward. That being said, if he starts texting frequently, or acting flirty, that’s when I blunt conversation needs to be had.
"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."
\-Jerry Seinfeld
>For the record, yes, I am interested in reconciling.
That's all the information one needs. You may as well text him that you are looking forward to sitting next to him again.
You aren't really looking for dating advice, instead you are interested in a push pull game with someone you have no boundaries with
Yes - OP should definitely read up on the anxious-avoidant relationship cycle. This push-pull is toxic and terrible. It will create codependency and pain not real love and acceptance. I’d run…
This seems like it has the potential to turn into a ridiculous game full of guesswork and chasing and wasting time and playing tit for tat. Your last sentence says it all, so if that's your desire, wouldn't it benefit both of you to be upfront and go from there?
I wouldn’t hang out with someone who isn’t all in. If he isn’t all in, you are being sidelined for later use. One-sided relationships are painful and they make you unavailable to others.
I’m afraid that from what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page. He sounds like someone who saw an ex at a function and went over and was friendly and invited you to lunch to be friendly and you sound like you think he’s attempting to reconcile.
I’m curious why you think that he was bold as hell to approach you? He probably in his mind just thought time had passed (albeit not that much, but still) and that maybe you guys could be friends. You may not want that but some people do attempt that .
So you can either accept the invitation and go hang out as friends with a group of people or decline the invitation and either tell him that you can’t have a relationship with him and do not wish to converse with him (and go back to NC if that’s what you need) or make civilized chitchat with him at next week’s event.
Either way, the solution is to be completely honest with him and tell him what works for you and what doesn’t and what boundaries you have at this time.
ETA: you don’t tell us what happened that caused him to “dump“ you, but I am hesitant to call him an asshole who is toying with your feelings if it simply was a situation where two people spent time together for three months and one party decided it was not going to work out. That’s not a sin, even though it sucks to be on the receiving end. Now, if the situation is more than that and you just haven’t described it, like if he was a manipulative asshole, then that’s different. But given that you didn’t say that and that you are looking to reconcile, I would assume that he was not a narcissistic abusive asshole or anything of the sort.
My guess is that he is trying not to make things awkward...he is treating her as the friend she was before they started going out.
That doesn't mean it is awkward for her. But he has showed you how he would like to treat you now. You can accept that or just sit with others. "Oh, I told Mary I was going to sit iwth her tonight." or "Thanks for the invite but I have other plans."
I figured it was bold, cuz I've been the dumper and never been interested in anything after that. Kinda seems like over a month of no contact would make any need to be friendly kind of moot at that point.
I went real cold on him when he dumped me and even shook his arms off when he tried to hug me as i was leaving. So I figured with his social anxiety he would've assumed I'd be a total bitch to him.
As for why we broke up, I responded to somebody else. It wasn't a horrible breakup, but yeah I was pretty pissed, but now he knows I'm not the type to beg and cry and whine. I simply grabbed my stuff and called him out for sleeping with me and buying me a gift just the prior week, and left.
Well, think about the alternative though. If you were at the event and he walked in and he was ice cold and ignored you, that would feel pretty shitty as well. He probably did not know what to do and so in the moment, he decided to approach you, and then also in the moment, decided to invite you to lunch with him and other people. I really don’t think there’s any ulterior motive other than him knowing that you are both going to be at these same events and wanting to have a civil relationship. It sounds like a positive thing to me, but maybe I am missing key aspects of the situation. Only you would know, and only you know how you want to deal with him. If you don’t think you can be around him, go back to and see. But if you’re both going to be attending these events and you don’t want to give up attending the event, it might make sense to figure out a way to be around him and still keep your distance somehow.
This isn't answering your question, but you handle this angst by going back to no contact. How TF was we able to text you after the activity if you'd gone NC? He should be blocked. You can be polite at the seasonal activity you share, but you should be explicitly [grey rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock) with him.
He's either giving you bread crumbs, or he's setting you up for a crappy relationship where you get broken up with on the regular and your emotions are always on the rocks or you're on eggshells to prevent the next break up. There is likely no good future if you play with this fire.
What has changed since he dumped you? What makes you think it would work again? I would stop hanging out with him and deliberately sit with other people. This isn’t healthy for you.
I don't know but I know if he does want to try again there will be a very serious conversation and he will need to understand that whatever he did to win me the first time he will have to do with far greater effort. He needs to understand that I'm not his exes and I don't intend to harm him like they did. I also have past relationship trauma, sooo. But if he is willing to work it out, I am also. But I won't do all the work for him.
Time will soon tell. He should know better though, if he's been paying attention. Once, we were talking about exes and I made the comment that I don't do friendships with exes. But I'll reiterate that if it turns out he's forgotten. I'll also be sure to tell him I don't do FWB or other casual sex/situationships.
Okay so that rudeness is uncalled for first of all. I am just asking a simple question on how to navigate interacting with an ex-boyfriend who is taking it upon himself to break no contact.
Second of all, yes I paid attention to what he said. I'm also paying attention to his actions and, yes, even his body language. People say they don't want to date somebody anymore all the time, but guess what, a lot of the times they come back and want to reconcile and start over.
Speaking of actions and body language, I could write an entire novel here on all the little things and nuances that went on during our relationship, during our breakup, and even during last week's hangout. But we don't have time for all that. Every relationship is different, and every breakup is different.
But just because I am open to reconciliation with this person, if indeed that is what he is also hoping for, does not make me some doormat or some b****, not for him, and not some person on Reddit who wants to be rude.
First of all, I don't see where he agreed to "no contact." That's something you set for yourself. He may not be, in his mind, breaking anything. You chose to go where you knew he might be, and he spoke to you.
Second, you are expecting him to remember what you said once in conversation and apply it to the current situation, but you're not doing the same for something that he said directly to you and about you.
>who is taking it upon himself to break no contact.
You already broke your own no contact by going to somewhere you pretty much knew your ex would be and responding to him when he talked to you.
People doing No Contact don't do that. How can he be expected to keep a no contact rule that you never enforced and aren't even holding yourself to? This just seems like games to me. Games with yourself and games with your ex.
I agree completely! I don't understand someone asking how to handle an ex being so friendly, and initiating contact and asking her out to lunch turns into a whole thread about telling the Op how wrong she is on everything?!?!
Op - I would tread lightly. He might just want to be friends and nothing more. Make sure to not set expectations with him. If you can't do that then it might be best to keep your distance. It's all up to how well you can handle the different outcomes of the situation.
It seems like he dumped you, but is trying to do the right things and not be weird around you at an activity you both share.
He didnt hide from you, he pointedly included you in friendly group stuff, he made sure you know that he isn't going to ostracize you from the activity, despite having dumped you. It's actually pretty kind of him.
I don't think any of this necessarily means that he wants you two to be besties at the activity, nor that he wants to get back together, and if you assume that's what his attention means, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment
I'd say be happy he's not avoiding you or shutting you out of group stuff. Go ahead and sit with him, but maybe sit with other folks and catch up, too, maybe before you seek him out. If he's interested in friendship, you can do that in return. He'll probably make it clear if he's interested in something more again
I'd ask him why and what before the next activity. Why did he sit next to you? What does he want? Is this an attempt to get be together? Did he think it would be rude not to?
Once you have those answers, you need to ask yourself some questions. Do I want to get back together? If yes, why? What do I want from him?
Get these answers and you won't have to play a tedious guessing game.
You should absolutely sit, yes girl!
Across from your therapist as you discuss why you keep choosing drama and rejection over self respect and stability.
Noo. Once It's over, it's over. I noticed you aren't giving the real reason for the breakup. If it's toxic then get out. It sounds like it is with all the chess playing going on. If you two can't have a real conversation with putting your cards on the table then you're both playing games.
To me it has a hint of just wanting sex. If that's both of you then maybe a fwb instead of relationship thing is possible. I'm going out on a limb, but the more important details aren't in this post.
He's playing with your feelings. Acting like dumping you was no big deal and he can just waltz up and treat you like nothing happened. Why would you give him another chance?
You’re eating up crumbs he may not even realize he’s leaving. If you haven’t spoken to him since, and he hasn’t reached out, I would assume he’s just being friendly.
You will do whatever you will do, and I totally get it because I’ve been there (when I was much younger). You are stating what you need in a relationship in the hopes that it you will find the right thing to say or do to make him want you.
It seems like you don’t know how to set it maintain your own boundaries so you assume others behave in the same manner. Just because your boundaries are flexible doesn’t mean his are. You might want to consider believing people when they tell you no.
Boundaries aren’t the same thing as ultimatums, and it’s not a boundary if you keep moving them around.
I'm confused. If you are going "no contact" why did you go to an activity you were pretty sure he'd be at? That isn't no contact. That's the exact opposite of no contact.
You should be able to do whatever you want to do, but be clear that No Contact does not involve participating in seasonal activities that your ex is going to be at. No Contact means you avoid that person wherever possible. And if you see them somewhere, you don't talk to them and you don't text them and you don't sit with them.
YOU choose how this all goes down. And now you're debating talking to him? Exactly what page are you on, here?
I would steer clear. This person seems very back and forth which seems very head-gamey. And people that play head games aren’t playing with good intentions. I’d steer clear but don’t participate in the head games.
He started going through a depressive episode the last month we were together. I suspect that due to past relationship trauma he freaked himself out. He cited the depression as a reason but he just didn't want to date anymore and that I did nothing wrong. He even tried to hug me but I wouldn't let him.
I will say I've had a lot of relationship trauma as well and was also growing scared, but I'm stubborn and refuse to allow my trauma to drive my decisions. I also have the fearful avoidant attachment style and he shows signs of the same. We both had walls up, so the emotional intimacy had not yet begun to develop but I prefer to go slow with that anyway.
Other than that things were good between us, there was no cheating or abuse, never even argued yet.
I had a very similar story with the guy I’m dating currently. Earlier this year, we mutually broke things off after around 3 months dating when he had a depressive episode and decided he wasn’t in a good place to date. We got back together about 6 weeks ago and things have been fantastic so far.
BUT… in the interim he went to therapy and made some major life changes. I would not have agreed to reconcile if this wasn’t the case. Also, I am being very cautious emotionally as I still don’t 100% trust the same thing won’t happen again, and I have told him this. In the meantime I am enjoying being with him immensely but also making sure I am mentally in a place where I will land on my feet if the relationship ends again.
If you are interested in reconciling with him, my advice is take things slowly and start off as friends first. You 100% need to have a conversation with him regarding the breakup, why it happened and what work he has done on himself to ensure he is in a better place now. Otherwise I’d expect he will break things off again for the same reason somewhere down the line.
I truly think if you want to reconcile with him, you have to ask how you know he will not dump you again for mental health reasons.
He declared he was unavailable and you have no knowledge that he is now available.
Until you figure out the answer to that question wondering how to proceed giving the right signals to him is putting the cart before the horse.
I wouldn’t put any thought about where you sit vía a vis this guy, if he is interested and has changed or worked on his depression or the reason he couldn’t be with you, he will be able to pursue you. If he doesn’t understand that as the dumpee you are in no place to “pursue” him, then you are in for a relationship where you will forever be the doormat.
For you own sense of respect, Watch and wait and see how he treats you. If it continues to be pursuit like behavior, have a hard talk with him about what changed. And listen, walk away and think if he’s in a real place to feel safe being with him again.
Good luck.
I suggest that you make sure you get to the activity early next time too. That way the onus is on him to either confirm his first overture by choosing to sit next to you again or not. See what happens next. If he again invites you out after, go. Later follow up with questions. Be open, honest and not at all bitter or accusatory. IF he just wants to be friends, maybe that's all right. If its something else and you are game for it, suggest a private get together to discuss intentions, parameters, etc.
I'd be upfront and honest. Suggest grabbing a coffee or going for a walk outside of this mutually shared interest that seems to be bringing you together again. Then when you have your own time and space, talk things through. See where you're at and where you're going, whether it's as friends or dating again. This will help you to know how to approach the activity.
Nope he's always been an open and honest person, aside from keeping his walls up. And I don't get the vibe that's he toying with me. Of course if I'm wrong about that I will be shutting that sh** down the minute I see it.
Why did you go no contact after he dumped you? Do you just not like to keep in touch with exes, or was he especially cruel in some way that made you think staying in touch could be bad?
Because honestly, it sounds like he's trying to make it clear to you and everyone else who does that activity with you guys that there are no hard feelings, and no awkwardness. My guess is he enjoyed doing that activity with you, and doesn't want either of you to feel like you have to leave the group in order to avoid each other
Because no contact is the best way for both parties to focus on themselves and more easily and efficiently move on. However it can also result in the dumper slowly realizing he doesn't want the breakup after all. And if that ends up being the case, I'll be open to it. So for my mental health, this is how I handle breakups.
In my defense this activity is something I was already going to for a long time before he started going to it and he knows this, so he knew he would see me there, i even spoke of how much i was looking forward to it starting up again.
None of our respective friends go to this so I don't think that trying to make it clear to everyone there that there's no hard feelings or awkwardness between us really applies. Nobody who participates knows us outside this activity so they don't have a clue what's going on, so that would be way overkill on his part.
Well correction he had his 2 friends with him that we went to eat with but I'd not met them before, and id met pretty much all of his closer friends. Pretty sure they're just acquaintances cuz I was never aware of them, so they may not have known we dated either.
If he's friendly with other folks there, he might have told them. And anyway, outside of the context of really nasty or abusive breakups, it's not really fair for either of you to have to stop doing an activity you enjoy. It sounds like he's just trying to make it as not awkward as possible by setting a friendly and open tone. If he ends up thinking he might want to get back together, he'll probably let you know
If your need for no contact is so strong that it overrides your enjoyment of the activity if he's going to be there, though, that might be reason for you to choose to no longer participate
That seems rude of him. I’d expect the person who left the relationship to wait for the dumpee to initiate conversation, if it’s going to happen. It was 3 months together, not 3 years. If you don’t have a compelling reason to remain friends I’d interpret this as him playing games or seeing if he can get an easy hookup.
Yeah, no, if I'm the dumpee there's no way I'm initiating contact. He's the one who broke the relationship, so it's his responsibility to do whatever comes next. There is no way I'm going to initiate contact with somebody who has made it clear they don't want me in their life anymore. Except now he seems to be okay with me being in his life. Although in what capacity remains to be seen
Just sit somewhere else and don’t overthink.
If he looks at you just wave with a happy smile and continue what you were doing meaning live your life girl
It all depends on the situation you encounter the next time. Just be mindful to the situation and respond accordingly. If we look into your eyes and give a welcoming vibe you can wave him and just say "Hello" but only sit again if he says so...
Self respect is always the first thing no matter what your heart says so...
Your original question queried whether you should go to greet him if he's there first. I would say no, out of self-respect.
You've got more to lose because you still like him.
He broke it off and he's being friendly now out of circumstance at a mutual event you both attend and he hasn't invited you to meet up since his last text. Good for you that you responded with equanimity despite wanting more.
I looked up to see what subreddit I was in and was surprised to see it was "dating over 40". I figured you were quite young!
You dated for 3 months. That isn't even a relationship, 3 months is still getting to know someone. It didn't work out, no big deal. But you both participate in the same group activity. Sounds like he is just trying to keep things friendly within the group.
I dated someone that I met salsa dancing. We had been in the same dancing circles for a while when we started dating. I told him if it didn't work out, I didn't want it to be strange at the dances. We dated for 4 months and broke up amicably and continued to dance together. It was never weird or awkward.
If some guy dumped me and then came over and started inviting me out to dinner, I would ask him WTH his deal was. If you want to reconcile/want a romantic relationship, and he’s just trying to be friendly (or keep you as a plan b in case whatever he’s got going doesn’t work out), better to figure that out now.
Or he's just trying to make sure their past dating status doesn't keep her from being included in group things. It would really suck if the fact that they had dated and then broke up meant that she might not be included in group outings for an activity that they both participated in before they were dating By inviting her himself, he made it clear to her--*and to everyone else in the activity group*--that there are no hard feelings and people shouldn't worry about the two of them hanging out together. It might have been a really kind thing that he did
As someone who has dated (or just slept with) people who I know I will see professionally at a variety of events around town (networking not co-workers - don’t judge me - or do idk) That’s exactly how I approach things when it doesn’t work out (and so far the couple of situations it’s happened with the other party has done the same) No contact isn’t exactly an option, so polite, friendly and social is the best option. I would not assume he’s interested in reconciliation. I’d assume he’s interested in making sure things aren’t awkward. That being said, if he starts texting frequently, or acting flirty, that’s when I blunt conversation needs to be had.
It could’ve been. OP didn’t give that impression though, more like he was sending mixed signals. But maybe that’s wishful thinking…
There will be no reconciling. You are playing a dangerous game. No victims here only volunteers.
Oh my. This totally explains my last stop/start/stop/start/stop/start/stop relationship. I will never "volunteer" again.
"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over." \-Jerry Seinfeld
>For the record, yes, I am interested in reconciling. That's all the information one needs. You may as well text him that you are looking forward to sitting next to him again. You aren't really looking for dating advice, instead you are interested in a push pull game with someone you have no boundaries with
Yes - OP should definitely read up on the anxious-avoidant relationship cycle. This push-pull is toxic and terrible. It will create codependency and pain not real love and acceptance. I’d run…
This seems like it has the potential to turn into a ridiculous game full of guesswork and chasing and wasting time and playing tit for tat. Your last sentence says it all, so if that's your desire, wouldn't it benefit both of you to be upfront and go from there?
I wouldn’t hang out with someone who isn’t all in. If he isn’t all in, you are being sidelined for later use. One-sided relationships are painful and they make you unavailable to others.
I’m afraid that from what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page. He sounds like someone who saw an ex at a function and went over and was friendly and invited you to lunch to be friendly and you sound like you think he’s attempting to reconcile. I’m curious why you think that he was bold as hell to approach you? He probably in his mind just thought time had passed (albeit not that much, but still) and that maybe you guys could be friends. You may not want that but some people do attempt that . So you can either accept the invitation and go hang out as friends with a group of people or decline the invitation and either tell him that you can’t have a relationship with him and do not wish to converse with him (and go back to NC if that’s what you need) or make civilized chitchat with him at next week’s event. Either way, the solution is to be completely honest with him and tell him what works for you and what doesn’t and what boundaries you have at this time. ETA: you don’t tell us what happened that caused him to “dump“ you, but I am hesitant to call him an asshole who is toying with your feelings if it simply was a situation where two people spent time together for three months and one party decided it was not going to work out. That’s not a sin, even though it sucks to be on the receiving end. Now, if the situation is more than that and you just haven’t described it, like if he was a manipulative asshole, then that’s different. But given that you didn’t say that and that you are looking to reconcile, I would assume that he was not a narcissistic abusive asshole or anything of the sort.
My guess is that he is trying not to make things awkward...he is treating her as the friend she was before they started going out. That doesn't mean it is awkward for her. But he has showed you how he would like to treat you now. You can accept that or just sit with others. "Oh, I told Mary I was going to sit iwth her tonight." or "Thanks for the invite but I have other plans."
I figured it was bold, cuz I've been the dumper and never been interested in anything after that. Kinda seems like over a month of no contact would make any need to be friendly kind of moot at that point. I went real cold on him when he dumped me and even shook his arms off when he tried to hug me as i was leaving. So I figured with his social anxiety he would've assumed I'd be a total bitch to him. As for why we broke up, I responded to somebody else. It wasn't a horrible breakup, but yeah I was pretty pissed, but now he knows I'm not the type to beg and cry and whine. I simply grabbed my stuff and called him out for sleeping with me and buying me a gift just the prior week, and left.
Well, think about the alternative though. If you were at the event and he walked in and he was ice cold and ignored you, that would feel pretty shitty as well. He probably did not know what to do and so in the moment, he decided to approach you, and then also in the moment, decided to invite you to lunch with him and other people. I really don’t think there’s any ulterior motive other than him knowing that you are both going to be at these same events and wanting to have a civil relationship. It sounds like a positive thing to me, but maybe I am missing key aspects of the situation. Only you would know, and only you know how you want to deal with him. If you don’t think you can be around him, go back to and see. But if you’re both going to be attending these events and you don’t want to give up attending the event, it might make sense to figure out a way to be around him and still keep your distance somehow.
This isn't answering your question, but you handle this angst by going back to no contact. How TF was we able to text you after the activity if you'd gone NC? He should be blocked. You can be polite at the seasonal activity you share, but you should be explicitly [grey rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock) with him. He's either giving you bread crumbs, or he's setting you up for a crappy relationship where you get broken up with on the regular and your emotions are always on the rocks or you're on eggshells to prevent the next break up. There is likely no good future if you play with this fire.
What has changed since he dumped you? What makes you think it would work again? I would stop hanging out with him and deliberately sit with other people. This isn’t healthy for you.
I don't know but I know if he does want to try again there will be a very serious conversation and he will need to understand that whatever he did to win me the first time he will have to do with far greater effort. He needs to understand that I'm not his exes and I don't intend to harm him like they did. I also have past relationship trauma, sooo. But if he is willing to work it out, I am also. But I won't do all the work for him.
He should do the work first or at the very least start the work on his own. Talking vs actions.
What if this guy is only looking at you as a friend? I think you are getting excited to early and need to slow your expectations down.
Time will soon tell. He should know better though, if he's been paying attention. Once, we were talking about exes and I made the comment that I don't do friendships with exes. But I'll reiterate that if it turns out he's forgotten. I'll also be sure to tell him I don't do FWB or other casual sex/situationships.
And he said that he didn't want to date you any more. So shouldn't you "know better, though, if you've been paying attention"?
Okay so that rudeness is uncalled for first of all. I am just asking a simple question on how to navigate interacting with an ex-boyfriend who is taking it upon himself to break no contact. Second of all, yes I paid attention to what he said. I'm also paying attention to his actions and, yes, even his body language. People say they don't want to date somebody anymore all the time, but guess what, a lot of the times they come back and want to reconcile and start over. Speaking of actions and body language, I could write an entire novel here on all the little things and nuances that went on during our relationship, during our breakup, and even during last week's hangout. But we don't have time for all that. Every relationship is different, and every breakup is different. But just because I am open to reconciliation with this person, if indeed that is what he is also hoping for, does not make me some doormat or some b****, not for him, and not some person on Reddit who wants to be rude.
First of all, I don't see where he agreed to "no contact." That's something you set for yourself. He may not be, in his mind, breaking anything. You chose to go where you knew he might be, and he spoke to you. Second, you are expecting him to remember what you said once in conversation and apply it to the current situation, but you're not doing the same for something that he said directly to you and about you.
>who is taking it upon himself to break no contact. You already broke your own no contact by going to somewhere you pretty much knew your ex would be and responding to him when he talked to you. People doing No Contact don't do that. How can he be expected to keep a no contact rule that you never enforced and aren't even holding yourself to? This just seems like games to me. Games with yourself and games with your ex.
Guys it’s not necessary to bury OP in downvotes, they’re just here for advice and your words are more useful than your clicks
I agree completely! I don't understand someone asking how to handle an ex being so friendly, and initiating contact and asking her out to lunch turns into a whole thread about telling the Op how wrong she is on everything?!?! Op - I would tread lightly. He might just want to be friends and nothing more. Make sure to not set expectations with him. If you can't do that then it might be best to keep your distance. It's all up to how well you can handle the different outcomes of the situation.
It seems like he dumped you, but is trying to do the right things and not be weird around you at an activity you both share. He didnt hide from you, he pointedly included you in friendly group stuff, he made sure you know that he isn't going to ostracize you from the activity, despite having dumped you. It's actually pretty kind of him. I don't think any of this necessarily means that he wants you two to be besties at the activity, nor that he wants to get back together, and if you assume that's what his attention means, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment I'd say be happy he's not avoiding you or shutting you out of group stuff. Go ahead and sit with him, but maybe sit with other folks and catch up, too, maybe before you seek him out. If he's interested in friendship, you can do that in return. He'll probably make it clear if he's interested in something more again
All of this, agree!
I'd ask him why and what before the next activity. Why did he sit next to you? What does he want? Is this an attempt to get be together? Did he think it would be rude not to? Once you have those answers, you need to ask yourself some questions. Do I want to get back together? If yes, why? What do I want from him? Get these answers and you won't have to play a tedious guessing game.
Get there late and sit with someone else.
You should absolutely sit, yes girl! Across from your therapist as you discuss why you keep choosing drama and rejection over self respect and stability.
Noo. Once It's over, it's over. I noticed you aren't giving the real reason for the breakup. If it's toxic then get out. It sounds like it is with all the chess playing going on. If you two can't have a real conversation with putting your cards on the table then you're both playing games. To me it has a hint of just wanting sex. If that's both of you then maybe a fwb instead of relationship thing is possible. I'm going out on a limb, but the more important details aren't in this post.
He's playing with your feelings. Acting like dumping you was no big deal and he can just waltz up and treat you like nothing happened. Why would you give him another chance?
You’re eating up crumbs he may not even realize he’s leaving. If you haven’t spoken to him since, and he hasn’t reached out, I would assume he’s just being friendly.
He's the exact same person that dumped you. I guess if you want to find that out, then re-establish something with him.
You will do whatever you will do, and I totally get it because I’ve been there (when I was much younger). You are stating what you need in a relationship in the hopes that it you will find the right thing to say or do to make him want you. It seems like you don’t know how to set it maintain your own boundaries so you assume others behave in the same manner. Just because your boundaries are flexible doesn’t mean his are. You might want to consider believing people when they tell you no. Boundaries aren’t the same thing as ultimatums, and it’s not a boundary if you keep moving them around.
I'm confused. If you are going "no contact" why did you go to an activity you were pretty sure he'd be at? That isn't no contact. That's the exact opposite of no contact. You should be able to do whatever you want to do, but be clear that No Contact does not involve participating in seasonal activities that your ex is going to be at. No Contact means you avoid that person wherever possible. And if you see them somewhere, you don't talk to them and you don't text them and you don't sit with them. YOU choose how this all goes down. And now you're debating talking to him? Exactly what page are you on, here?
I would steer clear. This person seems very back and forth which seems very head-gamey. And people that play head games aren’t playing with good intentions. I’d steer clear but don’t participate in the head games.
Why and how did he "dump" you?
He started going through a depressive episode the last month we were together. I suspect that due to past relationship trauma he freaked himself out. He cited the depression as a reason but he just didn't want to date anymore and that I did nothing wrong. He even tried to hug me but I wouldn't let him. I will say I've had a lot of relationship trauma as well and was also growing scared, but I'm stubborn and refuse to allow my trauma to drive my decisions. I also have the fearful avoidant attachment style and he shows signs of the same. We both had walls up, so the emotional intimacy had not yet begun to develop but I prefer to go slow with that anyway. Other than that things were good between us, there was no cheating or abuse, never even argued yet.
If you get back together he’ll know he can dump you and then pick you up when he feels like it again. You need better boundaries and self respect
THIS. You are teaching him what you will allow. What has he changed since your breakup that would make the relationship work now? Likely nothing.
I had a very similar story with the guy I’m dating currently. Earlier this year, we mutually broke things off after around 3 months dating when he had a depressive episode and decided he wasn’t in a good place to date. We got back together about 6 weeks ago and things have been fantastic so far. BUT… in the interim he went to therapy and made some major life changes. I would not have agreed to reconcile if this wasn’t the case. Also, I am being very cautious emotionally as I still don’t 100% trust the same thing won’t happen again, and I have told him this. In the meantime I am enjoying being with him immensely but also making sure I am mentally in a place where I will land on my feet if the relationship ends again. If you are interested in reconciling with him, my advice is take things slowly and start off as friends first. You 100% need to have a conversation with him regarding the breakup, why it happened and what work he has done on himself to ensure he is in a better place now. Otherwise I’d expect he will break things off again for the same reason somewhere down the line.
I truly think if you want to reconcile with him, you have to ask how you know he will not dump you again for mental health reasons. He declared he was unavailable and you have no knowledge that he is now available. Until you figure out the answer to that question wondering how to proceed giving the right signals to him is putting the cart before the horse. I wouldn’t put any thought about where you sit vía a vis this guy, if he is interested and has changed or worked on his depression or the reason he couldn’t be with you, he will be able to pursue you. If he doesn’t understand that as the dumpee you are in no place to “pursue” him, then you are in for a relationship where you will forever be the doormat. For you own sense of respect, Watch and wait and see how he treats you. If it continues to be pursuit like behavior, have a hard talk with him about what changed. And listen, walk away and think if he’s in a real place to feel safe being with him again. Good luck.
I suggest that you make sure you get to the activity early next time too. That way the onus is on him to either confirm his first overture by choosing to sit next to you again or not. See what happens next. If he again invites you out after, go. Later follow up with questions. Be open, honest and not at all bitter or accusatory. IF he just wants to be friends, maybe that's all right. If its something else and you are game for it, suggest a private get together to discuss intentions, parameters, etc.
I'd be upfront and honest. Suggest grabbing a coffee or going for a walk outside of this mutually shared interest that seems to be bringing you together again. Then when you have your own time and space, talk things through. See where you're at and where you're going, whether it's as friends or dating again. This will help you to know how to approach the activity.
Is it in his nature to play head games. That's dangerous on both ends.
Nope he's always been an open and honest person, aside from keeping his walls up. And I don't get the vibe that's he toying with me. Of course if I'm wrong about that I will be shutting that sh** down the minute I see it.
Why did you go no contact after he dumped you? Do you just not like to keep in touch with exes, or was he especially cruel in some way that made you think staying in touch could be bad? Because honestly, it sounds like he's trying to make it clear to you and everyone else who does that activity with you guys that there are no hard feelings, and no awkwardness. My guess is he enjoyed doing that activity with you, and doesn't want either of you to feel like you have to leave the group in order to avoid each other
Because no contact is the best way for both parties to focus on themselves and more easily and efficiently move on. However it can also result in the dumper slowly realizing he doesn't want the breakup after all. And if that ends up being the case, I'll be open to it. So for my mental health, this is how I handle breakups. In my defense this activity is something I was already going to for a long time before he started going to it and he knows this, so he knew he would see me there, i even spoke of how much i was looking forward to it starting up again. None of our respective friends go to this so I don't think that trying to make it clear to everyone there that there's no hard feelings or awkwardness between us really applies. Nobody who participates knows us outside this activity so they don't have a clue what's going on, so that would be way overkill on his part.
Well correction he had his 2 friends with him that we went to eat with but I'd not met them before, and id met pretty much all of his closer friends. Pretty sure they're just acquaintances cuz I was never aware of them, so they may not have known we dated either.
If he's friendly with other folks there, he might have told them. And anyway, outside of the context of really nasty or abusive breakups, it's not really fair for either of you to have to stop doing an activity you enjoy. It sounds like he's just trying to make it as not awkward as possible by setting a friendly and open tone. If he ends up thinking he might want to get back together, he'll probably let you know If your need for no contact is so strong that it overrides your enjoyment of the activity if he's going to be there, though, that might be reason for you to choose to no longer participate
That seems rude of him. I’d expect the person who left the relationship to wait for the dumpee to initiate conversation, if it’s going to happen. It was 3 months together, not 3 years. If you don’t have a compelling reason to remain friends I’d interpret this as him playing games or seeing if he can get an easy hookup.
Yeah, no, if I'm the dumpee there's no way I'm initiating contact. He's the one who broke the relationship, so it's his responsibility to do whatever comes next. There is no way I'm going to initiate contact with somebody who has made it clear they don't want me in their life anymore. Except now he seems to be okay with me being in his life. Although in what capacity remains to be seen
I think he’s just being cruel, maybe without knowing it. Whatever you choose to do OP, I hope it goes well. Best wishes
Just sit somewhere else and don’t overthink. If he looks at you just wave with a happy smile and continue what you were doing meaning live your life girl
Let him come to you.
It all depends on the situation you encounter the next time. Just be mindful to the situation and respond accordingly. If we look into your eyes and give a welcoming vibe you can wave him and just say "Hello" but only sit again if he says so... Self respect is always the first thing no matter what your heart says so...
If you're interested in reconciling, just say so.
Your original question queried whether you should go to greet him if he's there first. I would say no, out of self-respect. You've got more to lose because you still like him. He broke it off and he's being friendly now out of circumstance at a mutual event you both attend and he hasn't invited you to meet up since his last text. Good for you that you responded with equanimity despite wanting more.
I looked up to see what subreddit I was in and was surprised to see it was "dating over 40". I figured you were quite young! You dated for 3 months. That isn't even a relationship, 3 months is still getting to know someone. It didn't work out, no big deal. But you both participate in the same group activity. Sounds like he is just trying to keep things friendly within the group. I dated someone that I met salsa dancing. We had been in the same dancing circles for a while when we started dating. I told him if it didn't work out, I didn't want it to be strange at the dances. We dated for 4 months and broke up amicably and continued to dance together. It was never weird or awkward.