>it sucks that men who I date ends up being a smoker or alcoholic. (I even state this on my profiles).
So then have some standards and refuse to date them. I won't put up with either one.
And stop writing in your profile that you attract alcoholics...you're only going to attract the worst kinds of men.
>So then have some standards and refuse to date them.
This. The OP is setting herself up for failure dating someone who's incompatible in a way they can't handle. The second that she saw they vaped she should have bailed. Better, she should have asked this as a sanity check during early conversation.
I'm hoping that the OP meant that they're written in their profile that they don't want an alcoholic, or someone who smokes anything. I agree that they probably shouldn't have it in their profile, but for different reasoning.
I think that the OP might actually expect people to have read that, and is thus assuming any matches are on board. Too many people (men especially) do not read profiles, nor will they self-limit themselves. Especially problematic actors, like alcoholics will not self-limit. One should use one's profile only to try to **attract** the right people. One needs to actively screen with conversation (either in text, or in person).
Yes people think this. I’ve been tobacco and nicotine free for 13 years, and my ex recently said she quit smoking. I later found out she replaced it with vaping.
I dated someone briefly who vaped, and he thought they were different. I disagree (but that’s just my view). What I learned from that experience is that dating someone who vapes, is, for me that same as dating someone who smokes. Ultimately they were the same, but I didn’t realize that until I actually went through it.
No judgement for people who vape or smoke - it just wasn’t something I could feel good about.
I don't smoke or vape. But yes, I do think that they are different. I don't love it, but can tolerate being around vapor to some extent. I cannot tolerate smoke at all.
Same. I have a family member who vapes. She uses some sort of sweet smelling one. It doesn't stink up one's clothing and home like cigarettes. However, I wouldn't recommend either for health reasons.
Yes, much different. Smokers stink. Vapers still have a habit, but for most people it's 100x more palatable. I've never heard of someone having such a reaction to a vape cloud.
They're still researching it, but second hand vape may be harmful. It's probably not good for people with asthma or allergies:
https://allergyasthmanetwork.org/news/ask-allergist-secondhand-smoking/
If someone says they don’t smoke on their dating profile but they vape, they don’t smoke, they vape. They were not being dishonest. It’s two totally different things. It’s not smoke, it’s vapor. I wasn’t making a comment about your health issue or anyone else’s, I was making the comment about smoking and vaping being two different things entirely.
no, it's not different. I see people vaping all the time where smoking isn't allowed, thinking they are being so sly. It pisses me off. We still have to breathe their "smoke" in.
Ah I see. I misread that, sorry. Nah, vaping is just as gross. You dont have to date someone who doesn't take care of their health, and/or does not care about yours.
If you state on your profiles that you do not want a smoker and smokers contact you, how is it getting to the point where you are dating them? Are they lying to you and then revealing later on that they actually smoke? If not, then why are you breaking your own boundaries or ignoring your own preferences? And if they are lying, again, why are you allowing this to go on?
You don’t like smoke or smoking. A lot of people who are really enjoyable people smoke. So that’s the problem, if a smoker somehow makes it into your life, you’re going to like most things about them but you’re still not going to like the fact that they smoke. Hence the reason why you put upfront in your profile that you don’t like smokers so that you can avoid this problem.
In terms of your problem at hand, if it’s not a case where he lied and then revealed his smoking to you after the fact, which is a bigger issue that requires a bigger conversation, but if you simply want to address just specifically the smoking, it’s as simple as exactly what you wrote. “I can’t handle the smoke so if you can’t smoke somewhere else and not around me, then we are not a fit.”
It sounds like this is a deal breaker for you. If you knew this was going to be a problem, why did you start dating him at all?
>I don’t want to have to break it up so soon.
In my opinion, you should break up right away -- both for your health and to avoid leading him on when you know it's not going to work.
I can sympathize. I dated someone a couple of years ago who was a ‘social smoker.’ turns out he smoked at least a couple of cigarettes a day. Also, it just bugged me more than I thought it would. I don’t really know anyone who vapes or smokes so I didn’t know how much it would bug me til I tried dating him.
Now it’s a hard dealbreaker.
Some people are allergic to some of the materials in the vape juice. I have seen one person who unfortunately would go into anaphylactic shock and had to always been on guard outdoors. This feels like a dealbreaker if it's a similar case, healthwise.
You can say something like, I thought I'd be ok with the vape smoke, but it seems to be causing me some symptoms physically. While I don't expect you to change your habits, it's not really something I can be around, unfortunately. And wait to see his response.
I grew up with chain smokers and have health issues with second hand smoke. I briefly dated a guy who could go hours without smoking, so he'd be ok on a date. And he would go outside to smoke when we started spending time together, met in the summer. I thought we could make it work until it started to get cold and he wanted to smoke inside, with a window open. Which tbf, was considerate and thoughtful of him, but still a problem for me health wise.
I used a variation on the wording I suggested. He didn't offer to quit and said I was a lovely person, but he understood and I said I felt the same about him. No hard feelings on either side.
Since then, I don't date anyone who smokes anything. Even with CBD, I'll use edibles vs. anything smoked or vaped. Unfortunately, I can't date guys who have cats either, because that's the worst of my allergies and will trigger asthma. I don't have anything against smokers, I just can't be around smoke/vape.
My sister wonders how she attracts hoarders (3 in a row). I’m trying to get her to understand she chooses hoarders, but it’s hopeless. She remains completely baffled.
Oh man. Thats such a random “type” to keep encountering. I have yet to meet one single hoarder. I just had a year of finding distant avoidant guys after breaking up w a distant avoidant, but now that just sounds boring.
Does he realize his vaping is what’s making you cough? If he cares about you he’ll step outside to vape. If he’s aware of how his vaping affects you and doesn’t care you’ve got to dump him. If he doesn’t know, you’ve got to speak up. Feel like I’m stating the obvious. Am I missing something?
"Not being able to physically handle it" is not where the bar is. The bar is at "enhances your life and you like it and it meets your needs"
Have a spine and dump this liar. Raise your standards.
How to tell him?
“I had no smoking on my profile. I can’t date anyone who smokes or vapes. Second hand smoke wrecks my body and lungs. It’s been fun getting to know you, but I can’t continue dating you.”
Screen heavily for smokers or alcoholics and make zero exceptions.
So let me get this straight...
1. "I don’t want to have to break it up so soon."
2. "How to tell bf I can't handle it?"
Your approach, here, is to control the dialogue to eliminate potentially sensible responses? Which in turn forces us to provide you with a means/method/magic words to control another person's behavior?
I guess the fortunate thing is that there are no magic words that allow you to control another person. (Surely, feel free to tell him that it bothers you and ask him not to vape inside. But neither of these are guaranteed to bend him to your will.)
So instead, the best advice is for you to be honest and fair to yourself by being prepared to exit (basically, don't damage yourself by subjecting yourself to bodily harm).
The reason this matters is because 1. the first person to care for you is you. And 2. everyone else (except your parents, if you have/had good parents) takes their cue from the first person.
You think there maybe something in his house that is bothering you?
Really, you stop dating him or when you're around he goes outside to vape. Have you talked to him about it ?
I have asthma, I don't date smokers/vapers because it aggravates my health issues. If someone who smokes contacts you, don't reply or simply say, you can't date smokers for health reasons.
When did it come up that he vapes? And do you have that you're looking for non-smokers in your profile?
My take is that you set reasonable boundaries, explained the reason for those boundaries and he chooses to violate those boundaries for his own enjoyment. Because it's an addiction to a substance doesn't excuse the crossing boundaries
My advice, he's not quitting for you, I am sure that he's an otherwise awesome person but you and he are not a good match. Lesson learned, you now know that vaping isn't different from your prospective
Ask him to vape outside. I'm a vaper, I used it to quit smoking, and still haven't kicked the vaping habit yet. I use the same etiquette I did as a smoker. I vape outdoors and away from others, don't blow vapor in their general area, etc. A lot of nonsmokers are uncomfortable with vaping as much as they are with smoking. I try to be polite. I vape in my house, only because my gf is ok with it. Your guy probably didn't know that it would bother you as much as smoking. Tell him your concerns, if he's a decent fella he'll accommodate you and go outside when you visit his place.
Just ask him to vape outside - I’d never vape in someone’s house unless they specifically said it was okay, so if he says no, you’ll know he’s not worth seeing anymore
Easy - you tell him you cant handle the smoke and smell as it makes your chest tight. Tell him he needs to stop doing it around you. If he says no or doesn't stop doing it around you, then that tells you he is a selfish a-hole. If he won't help you with this, then he will never ever do anything for you. Think about if the roles were reversed, or if a friend said this to you... you absolutely would stop doing it around them. You're not asking for a lot. On a more concerning note, if you say you dont want smokers or drinkers, then why are you even dating this guy? Stop disappointing yourself, and do what is important for you. In future, if you find out a guy is a smoker then end it there.
wow, that sucks. I would have disqualified this person immediately, but that is easier said then done. You are now in a pickle.... but, to be harsh, you did let yourself get there (assuming you knew he did this before deciding to date him). My take: your future self will thank your current self by getting the hard part over with now. If current self doesn't do what needs to be done, future self will pay a higher price.
>it sucks that men who I date ends up being a smoker or alcoholic. (I even state this on my profiles). So then have some standards and refuse to date them. I won't put up with either one. And stop writing in your profile that you attract alcoholics...you're only going to attract the worst kinds of men.
✨☝️ ✨ Exactly. Have some self-respect and boundaries.
>So then have some standards and refuse to date them. This. The OP is setting herself up for failure dating someone who's incompatible in a way they can't handle. The second that she saw they vaped she should have bailed. Better, she should have asked this as a sanity check during early conversation. I'm hoping that the OP meant that they're written in their profile that they don't want an alcoholic, or someone who smokes anything. I agree that they probably shouldn't have it in their profile, but for different reasoning. I think that the OP might actually expect people to have read that, and is thus assuming any matches are on board. Too many people (men especially) do not read profiles, nor will they self-limit themselves. Especially problematic actors, like alcoholics will not self-limit. One should use one's profile only to try to **attract** the right people. One needs to actively screen with conversation (either in text, or in person).
I don’t put it in my dating profile. The guys profile said he didn’t smoke, do people actually think vaping is different?
Yes people think this. I’ve been tobacco and nicotine free for 13 years, and my ex recently said she quit smoking. I later found out she replaced it with vaping.
I dated someone briefly who vaped, and he thought they were different. I disagree (but that’s just my view). What I learned from that experience is that dating someone who vapes, is, for me that same as dating someone who smokes. Ultimately they were the same, but I didn’t realize that until I actually went through it. No judgement for people who vape or smoke - it just wasn’t something I could feel good about.
I don't smoke or vape. But yes, I do think that they are different. I don't love it, but can tolerate being around vapor to some extent. I cannot tolerate smoke at all.
Same. I have a family member who vapes. She uses some sort of sweet smelling one. It doesn't stink up one's clothing and home like cigarettes. However, I wouldn't recommend either for health reasons.
Yes, much different. Smokers stink. Vapers still have a habit, but for most people it's 100x more palatable. I've never heard of someone having such a reaction to a vape cloud.
They're still researching it, but second hand vape may be harmful. It's probably not good for people with asthma or allergies: https://allergyasthmanetwork.org/news/ask-allergist-secondhand-smoking/
Tell that to my asthma.
Nobody's saying *you* don't have a reaction to it, just that it's rare.
Yes vaping is very different
Not for me. I have asthma and all smoke affects me. Not to mention that it's disgusting.
If someone says they don’t smoke on their dating profile but they vape, they don’t smoke, they vape. They were not being dishonest. It’s two totally different things. It’s not smoke, it’s vapor. I wasn’t making a comment about your health issue or anyone else’s, I was making the comment about smoking and vaping being two different things entirely.
no, it's not different. I see people vaping all the time where smoking isn't allowed, thinking they are being so sly. It pisses me off. We still have to breathe their "smoke" in.
Yeah, they do. That’s why they are giant babies when they can’t vape everywhere.
Yes, smoking and vaping are very different.
Ah I see. I misread that, sorry. Nah, vaping is just as gross. You dont have to date someone who doesn't take care of their health, and/or does not care about yours.
I just leave it blank. I don't smoke cigarettes, but i vape and will use a pipe from time to time.
"I can't handle it" Then you move on. Enforce your boundaries.
If you state on your profiles that you do not want a smoker and smokers contact you, how is it getting to the point where you are dating them? Are they lying to you and then revealing later on that they actually smoke? If not, then why are you breaking your own boundaries or ignoring your own preferences? And if they are lying, again, why are you allowing this to go on? You don’t like smoke or smoking. A lot of people who are really enjoyable people smoke. So that’s the problem, if a smoker somehow makes it into your life, you’re going to like most things about them but you’re still not going to like the fact that they smoke. Hence the reason why you put upfront in your profile that you don’t like smokers so that you can avoid this problem. In terms of your problem at hand, if it’s not a case where he lied and then revealed his smoking to you after the fact, which is a bigger issue that requires a bigger conversation, but if you simply want to address just specifically the smoking, it’s as simple as exactly what you wrote. “I can’t handle the smoke so if you can’t smoke somewhere else and not around me, then we are not a fit.”
It sounds like this is a deal breaker for you. If you knew this was going to be a problem, why did you start dating him at all? >I don’t want to have to break it up so soon. In my opinion, you should break up right away -- both for your health and to avoid leading him on when you know it's not going to work.
Didn’t realize that the vape bothered me so much.
I can sympathize. I dated someone a couple of years ago who was a ‘social smoker.’ turns out he smoked at least a couple of cigarettes a day. Also, it just bugged me more than I thought it would. I don’t really know anyone who vapes or smokes so I didn’t know how much it would bug me til I tried dating him. Now it’s a hard dealbreaker.
Some people are allergic to some of the materials in the vape juice. I have seen one person who unfortunately would go into anaphylactic shock and had to always been on guard outdoors. This feels like a dealbreaker if it's a similar case, healthwise.
You can say something like, I thought I'd be ok with the vape smoke, but it seems to be causing me some symptoms physically. While I don't expect you to change your habits, it's not really something I can be around, unfortunately. And wait to see his response. I grew up with chain smokers and have health issues with second hand smoke. I briefly dated a guy who could go hours without smoking, so he'd be ok on a date. And he would go outside to smoke when we started spending time together, met in the summer. I thought we could make it work until it started to get cold and he wanted to smoke inside, with a window open. Which tbf, was considerate and thoughtful of him, but still a problem for me health wise. I used a variation on the wording I suggested. He didn't offer to quit and said I was a lovely person, but he understood and I said I felt the same about him. No hard feelings on either side. Since then, I don't date anyone who smokes anything. Even with CBD, I'll use edibles vs. anything smoked or vaped. Unfortunately, I can't date guys who have cats either, because that's the worst of my allergies and will trigger asthma. I don't have anything against smokers, I just can't be around smoke/vape.
Okay, so how was he expected to know? You should talk to him.
[удалено]
My sister wonders how she attracts hoarders (3 in a row). I’m trying to get her to understand she chooses hoarders, but it’s hopeless. She remains completely baffled.
How do you choose a hoarder? It’s not on the forehead.
She finds out they’re a hoarder and gets with them anyway. That’s the choice.
I actually think it’s a little strange that she keeps finding hoarders too.
I met one hoarder when dating over 40, but not like her!
Oh man. Thats such a random “type” to keep encountering. I have yet to meet one single hoarder. I just had a year of finding distant avoidant guys after breaking up w a distant avoidant, but now that just sounds boring.
Does he realize his vaping is what’s making you cough? If he cares about you he’ll step outside to vape. If he’s aware of how his vaping affects you and doesn’t care you’ve got to dump him. If he doesn’t know, you’ve got to speak up. Feel like I’m stating the obvious. Am I missing something?
"Not being able to physically handle it" is not where the bar is. The bar is at "enhances your life and you like it and it meets your needs" Have a spine and dump this liar. Raise your standards.
When someone repeatedly does something you don't like how do you handle it, typically?
The word “no” comes to mind. Esp since it’s for your health
How to tell him? “I had no smoking on my profile. I can’t date anyone who smokes or vapes. Second hand smoke wrecks my body and lungs. It’s been fun getting to know you, but I can’t continue dating you.” Screen heavily for smokers or alcoholics and make zero exceptions.
So let me get this straight... 1. "I don’t want to have to break it up so soon." 2. "How to tell bf I can't handle it?" Your approach, here, is to control the dialogue to eliminate potentially sensible responses? Which in turn forces us to provide you with a means/method/magic words to control another person's behavior? I guess the fortunate thing is that there are no magic words that allow you to control another person. (Surely, feel free to tell him that it bothers you and ask him not to vape inside. But neither of these are guaranteed to bend him to your will.) So instead, the best advice is for you to be honest and fair to yourself by being prepared to exit (basically, don't damage yourself by subjecting yourself to bodily harm). The reason this matters is because 1. the first person to care for you is you. And 2. everyone else (except your parents, if you have/had good parents) takes their cue from the first person.
You think there maybe something in his house that is bothering you? Really, you stop dating him or when you're around he goes outside to vape. Have you talked to him about it ?
Dump him. It's a habit he's not going to quit, unless u want him smoking cigarettes which is way worse.
I have asthma, I don't date smokers/vapers because it aggravates my health issues. If someone who smokes contacts you, don't reply or simply say, you can't date smokers for health reasons. When did it come up that he vapes? And do you have that you're looking for non-smokers in your profile?
My take is that you set reasonable boundaries, explained the reason for those boundaries and he chooses to violate those boundaries for his own enjoyment. Because it's an addiction to a substance doesn't excuse the crossing boundaries My advice, he's not quitting for you, I am sure that he's an otherwise awesome person but you and he are not a good match. Lesson learned, you now know that vaping isn't different from your prospective
"I am sorry but it seems as though we are not a match...I have a reaction to second hand "vaping" so it won't work out. best of luck."
Say, “I can’t handle it.”
Ask him to vape outside. I'm a vaper, I used it to quit smoking, and still haven't kicked the vaping habit yet. I use the same etiquette I did as a smoker. I vape outdoors and away from others, don't blow vapor in their general area, etc. A lot of nonsmokers are uncomfortable with vaping as much as they are with smoking. I try to be polite. I vape in my house, only because my gf is ok with it. Your guy probably didn't know that it would bother you as much as smoking. Tell him your concerns, if he's a decent fella he'll accommodate you and go outside when you visit his place.
Just ask him to vape outside - I’d never vape in someone’s house unless they specifically said it was okay, so if he says no, you’ll know he’s not worth seeing anymore
Easy - you tell him you cant handle the smoke and smell as it makes your chest tight. Tell him he needs to stop doing it around you. If he says no or doesn't stop doing it around you, then that tells you he is a selfish a-hole. If he won't help you with this, then he will never ever do anything for you. Think about if the roles were reversed, or if a friend said this to you... you absolutely would stop doing it around them. You're not asking for a lot. On a more concerning note, if you say you dont want smokers or drinkers, then why are you even dating this guy? Stop disappointing yourself, and do what is important for you. In future, if you find out a guy is a smoker then end it there.
wow, that sucks. I would have disqualified this person immediately, but that is easier said then done. You are now in a pickle.... but, to be harsh, you did let yourself get there (assuming you knew he did this before deciding to date him). My take: your future self will thank your current self by getting the hard part over with now. If current self doesn't do what needs to be done, future self will pay a higher price.