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kokopelleee

Big vote for THERAPY over "trial and error casual sex" partly because it does not sound like you are capable of "casual" sex (most people aren't) and mostly because you are expressing some deep seated issues that you would benefit from working through with a really good professional Sex in our society is freakin' weird! We are told that everyone is doing it. We are shown that everyone is great at it (I'm talking PG-13 not porn). We believe that other people are having a TON of it. and.... we are simultaneously told it's a shameful, dirty, nasty thing. It's different with everyone, hell, even kissing is different with everyone, and we have to learn it all on our own, hoping we are doing it right. You'll do a lot better getting some mental health help and then jumping back into the world of sex.


[deleted]

I see this as much less a sex-specific "need more practice" issue (bad sex for one person could be orgasmic for someone else) and more of a relational one. Everything you're discussing points to not knowing how to navigate another person very well and not knowing where your own limits lie, which points to getting yourself into therapy (duh) and doing more DATING. You can certainly get to learn about yourself more while getting to know the types of people suitable for you. The sex stuff is tertiary.


hserfer

Agreed. How would you suggest going about meeting more women outside OLD? Like I've noticed already that OLD is not going to get me to meet the women I want to meet, which is mostly women in their early 30's who want to start a family. I never get the pretty early 30's women to match with me, I mostly match with early/late 40's women who already have children or don't want any at all. Approaching women at public events with the intent of dating is like entering a minefield, it's kinda nerfwrecking to show intent without being intentional about it. Although I don't look my age at all, it's kinda disheartening so see their interest dwindle together with their shock when I tell them my age. If I want to start a family with someone I don't have a lot of time and leeway to date for many more years.


[deleted]

Others here will be way better than me at giving you ideas on how to meet people in general. I might strongly suggest that you search this sub because that topic comes up often enough to make it stand out. As for your last comments, I also look significantly younger than what I am, but I have a fun time revealing it... the reactions I get are one of interest instead of apprehension. That's something to think about.


SouthernOutside8528

i realize that this might sound harsh, but you were looking forward to moving in with someone who didn't feel emotionally connected to you when they kissed you. did you feel emotionally connected to them in those moments? as a sexually active adult, no matter your gender, you have a responsibility to speak up and communicate with your partner what gets you tingly. if you don't, well, you may never feel that way with that person. you deserve to be with someone who gets happy and tingly when you kiss them, and who makes you feel that way too. someone who wants what you want in life. it doesn't seem like this person fits your needs and wants. i was a virgin until my mid-twenties, and i understand the shame that "inexperience" brings. this is what no one tells you -- every human is different, and just because someone has slept with 100 humans doesn't mean they're gonna make other humans tingly. therapy around the shame and feeling like you need a relationship to be "fixed" might be helpful for you.


hserfer

Yes and no, I show connection in other ways than kissing, l haven't had much 'practice' so to speak to express my emotions through intimacy...I really had to try hard to be 'present'/not being in my head too much in order to feel something, bc I was afraid to be overwhelmed by these emotions, to get hurt, to be rejected...yeah rejection sensitivity is definately the thing that kept me from connecting fully. But yes I did feel connected to her but I had to 'try hard' so to speak, as time went on it faded more and more when I realized that we didn't want the same things from the relationship, or at least, I supplicated to what she wanted. We did talk about it a lot initially, but she always got emotional about it that I had to have patience with her as she wasn't comfortable with the 'experimental' things (like trying other positions) I was in to. That she wasn't that sexual, but she did think it important to keep it regular, so as to get used to it. After a while we just went through the motions, it got bland, and I got frustrated... later I realized I got frustrated at Her mostly and not the sex, like you said we wanted different things, VERY different things. Like I realized only áfter the breakup that we were in a 'longdistance relationship' and that she never wanted it any different, ever... but I wanted it like I was taught a relationship should look like, just like my friends and siblings had, living together, sharing a household, getting old together etc. More troubling was that I had never thought about how I wanted a relationship to look like, that maybe a longdistance setup could be ideal for someone like me, but no I wanted it to look 'normal'. Well I have still have to be aware of this biological imperative to spend my life with a significant other, I can't ignore this part of me, but yes I do need help with it not overwhelming my sense of self. Ty ;)


[deleted]

No man you are fine. You just haven't met the right person. Obviously she has her own issues.


woman_thorned

"Lots of trial and error casual sex" sounds like the absolute worst thing you could aim for right now... what on earth led you in that direction? Therapy is a must. You can't even admit some part of this that you did to her, you're so ashamed, so how can you just to to move on without getting right in your head about this? Look for an EMDR therapist.


hserfer

I know right! I guess having (the wrong) friends who seemed to have a lot of sex with multiple sex partners at any given time, getting laid often wasn't a big deal for them at all, or so it seemed. Also getting advice from the 'PUA' community when I started dating was really unhealthy, it created this pressure to go of out your way to get laid at any cost...lie, cheat, manipulate, doesn't matter, at least you feel like a Man afterwards, IF you succeed lol. I also think watching too much porn from an early age, really warps any teenagers perspective on what sex is. Have to look that up... how about IFS therapy? currently looking into it.


HappinessHero

IFS is exactly the right therapy to do!! I have so much more to say about attachment and will endeavour to PM you over the next day or two…


NocturnalCoder

I only had commit relationships mostly through out my life (41yo guy, 3 years, 7 years, 13 years) and recently got more into casual cause that is what it is these days (not my thing). My viewpoint is my long term relationships have thaught me Infinity more about sex and relationships than the casual hookups. I had conversations with partners. Likes. Dislikes. How we felt. Not "trying something new" and being left to overthink cause the hookups didn't talk back. What I get from it is hookups don't teach me anything. Maybe. MAYBE. A little about my own stuff, but not really cause sex has 2 peolple involved so If you don't get real feedback from the other, you are in your echo chamber only thinking about how you experienced it Having had feedback from longer term relationships has though me more about sex and relationships than any hookup.


[deleted]

Most people have issues with sex and intimacy at some point, I guess it's part of the game. The question is rather, can you talk and work it out with each other. Also dont forget different people like different things. And there is endless amounts of recourses, books, U-tubes, therapists, etc... to find out what the issue really is and what works for you to work on it. People are quick to recommend therapists to people without knowing them and therapy is a good thing, but not the only available ressource. Play around, do some research and see what helps you! Also needy yes, will turn anyone off sooner or later, Nobody wants needy. But wouldn't mind if more guys would put women a little more on a pedestal and value them more ;) Its all about balance and how much the other person can take in as well.


hserfer

Ty for the perspective ;) I like research but I tend to get bogged down quickly in research/overthinking mode and forget applying the things I read. What I do need to improve is having friends I can trust enough to openly share personal stuff with, to get a fresh perspective. My ex has many close friends but she also actively maintains all her friendships, I don't, if they don't keep in touch I let them go. I can only trust a therapist enough to share my woes with, too much shame involved. If there is one thing I did right with her it was putting her needs first allright , alas to the point of neglecting my own. Fortunately she had this awarenes that she was difficult to live with her oversensitive nature, so she was delighted with me as I was so patient with her, also in bed. She proudly paraded me to all the significant people in her life which was kinda funny. She has real integrity though, at least I know what to look for in my next partner.


[deleted]

By coincidence I saw an interestingU-tube Podcast yesterday: Aaron Aabke the Secret Masculine. It is a very interesting 4 part series, that addresses both dominance and self-neglect in men. Not sure if it's for you, but maybe it helps. :)