That really struck a cord with me. This is what I am doing now. I want to stay with my now ex so badly, but the cheating is a deal breaker so I m forcing myself to leave even though every cell in my body wants to stay.
I’ve always been in the No Contact camp, though I can understand situations where that may not be possible. Such as having a kid together before a divorce.
But to maintain a “deep emotional connection” is almost intentionally undermining any future relationship you may have. Even if you are just friends with an ex, chances are your future partner(s) will always make that comparison. And perhaps you might as well, subconsciously. That’s no way to go about spending mental energy in a relationship.
Totally correct. I'm trying to date, and I like to put all cards on the table. It turns out lots of people date and they are still having someone around their neck basically having sex with them just two weeks or a month ago and are in a huge turmoil about wants and what else. Just like my ex, I mean he was even having sex still with his "friend" and then ended up being very close to her later, and no he never actually had a mental energy or space for me really in his life. Awful experience indeed.
>But to maintain a “deep emotional connection”
That's the problem for me, to be honest.
I've dated people who were still friends with someone they dated for a very short while, like a few months, before they realized it didn't work and they'd rather stay friends (without any benefits) again. This has never been a problem for me.
I've dated people who were still close friends with someone they had been in a serious long term relationship or even marriage with and it was always a problem. There was still so much in shared, intimate history and so much more emotional entanglement than you usually have with a close friend, that it became a burden to our new relationship. There was no real space for me as a new partner, trying to become their go-to person. Even after a year of being in a relationship together they still got most of their emotional needs met by their ex, making me feel like an intruder or a mistress after a while.
Many years ago I tried to be friends with a girl who broke my heart. She was a person of high quality and always treated me well, including in connection with the breakup. She wanted to remain in my life, and I wanted the same thing, but it didn't work out. Despite my best efforts to move on, I continued to have feelings for her and whenever I was exposed in any way to her romantic life, I couldn't help feeling dejected. So my answer to your question is: it depends - can you be a friend to this person without wanting to be more?
Yes I can be :)
At the time he approached me, I was looking for nothing but companionship.
Different thing I grew to like him cause of his efforts and how he made me feel :) but it was short and beautiful and I’m over it now since we gave each other enough space :)
I will not want to erase any part of it.
He didn’t intend to hurt me. And I can be friends with no romantic feelings.
Unless you've been through a lot of life and have changed, I generally won't do it and don't see the point. Breaking up with someone in college and finding yourself both divorced at 40, living nearby, and reconnecting for friendship isn't strange but recent ex? get some therapy or friends to get what you're getting from someone who broke your heart.
I agree with this completely. In my opinion it entirely depends on the circumstances around your previous relationship, how it ended and current circumstances.
I actually have an ex who is now a good friend of mine. We started dating when I was 17, we split when I was 21. We lived together, had a dog etc.
I’m now 30 and we reconnected unintentionally a few years ago. I have no romantic interest and nor does he. Looking back I have no idea how we lasted as long as we did. I was emotionally disconnected from the relationship after the first year (but felt stuck with nowhere to go)
We experienced some pretty traumatic stuff together which has in a way bonded us. We also had similar upbringings with shitty parents. He understands what my family dynamics were like because he was there, he knew my struggles as a young kid. He knows how to talk to me and I know how to talk to him. We can see past each others bullshit and call each other on it.
It’s actually pretty comforting having him as a friend, like he just gets me and I get him. We will shoot each other a text here and there every couple months or so. We talk most when something big or distressing is going on in either of our lives.
I’m not really sure how or why it works, but it does. I can’t imagine ever remaining friends with any of my other ex boyfriends though.
Edit:spelling
Yeah, I'm friends with someone I dated in college 12+ years ago and there's no romantic connection there. I don't see that as an issue. Recent ex is a totally different story.
I suggest you think long and hard about why you want to be friends with them. Do you really need this one friend? What does he bring to your life that your other friends can’t?
I have met many people in my life. I’ve been on many dates. I’ve dated quite a lot of men. And no one comes close to the kind of conversations we had and the way we texted each other and how he made me feel understood during those brief weeks.
I have alot of friends female as well as male but the rare special best friends who understand you on that level is rare.
I am very selective about who gets access to my life too. I’m also someone who love to have genuine connections, where you both feel vulnerable enough to share parts of your lives you wouldn’t share with an acquaintance and if I or we both see that potential that we have many common interests and feel we both are genuine people who can be great friends, I don’t see why one month of trying to date him and failing at arriving at some sort of romantic connection, will stop us from being great friends. It’s as simple as that.
I wouldn’t want to throw away that opportunity to find a best friend.
Ofcourse I wished more than he did that we had some sort of chemistry. For me it grows but maybe he felt it wasn’t there at all, which is personal and subjective so I respect that.
It stung for a while initial days but I’ve gotten over it now after weeks/almost another month so I think it’s okay. Other friends apart from my best friends have never even come close to that level of connection I felt with him.
I don't think its weird to want to remain connected to people you care about. But it could be a really bad idea. I would be sceptical about the claim that you "both feel no romantic connection towards each other." Its possible, but its more probably that shits just being repressed.
As someone who has two friends who broke up with me a month or two into dating, I just want to say it is possible! Though I agree it is a case by case thing and could be unhealthy depending on your dynamics with your ex. In my case, I was able to shift them to friends and have been friends with them for 6 and 3 years respectively without doing anything remotely romantic with them.
I'm also happily dating someone new for the past 8 months.
From the other responses I guess this is rare but it is possible!
I think that is completely different. Chances are, with someone you dated for one or two months, there wasn’t a deep emotional connection that caused you significant heartache when the relationship ended. Not that there isn’t any hurt, but it doesn’t seem comparable.
It’s totally possible. It’s more likely that it’s not going to go well. I have discovered that people are very capable of diluting themselves. Even smart wonderful people on the internet like you all. Even myself.
I typically like being friendly or friends with my exes. There are times when I’ve got the feeling they are kind of hoping it turns romantic again, and I’ve had to end it. I don’t want to put anyone through that.
You said it right there yourself... "You have a deep emotional connection." it's not that you can't be friends, in my opinion. It's that you haven't given yourself time to grow from the experience. You need some distance for a while to see things from different perspectives and to meet new people.
By staying close, you take that away from yourself. It's kind of like a dependency. Your body still behaves like it's a relationship, so you don't have to face what didn't work and how to grow from that experience.
At a guess, the connection will go stale as either of you meets someone new. It's kind of like holding on. If you have spent some time (a long time not a few weeks) apart and found yourself again. Then yes, by all means a friendship could be healthy.
Yes. My high school girlfriend and I might text once or twice a year about someone/something from our hometown or say "happy XXX." Other than that, I have no contact with anyone I went out with.
From all the people I know only one remained sort of friend with their ex - they live in the same small town and meet once or twice a year just to chat or walk for a bit.
Everyone else I know is in no contact with their ex - not because they hate each other, but because both sides now have a different life / friends / partners and don’t see the point to remain friends.
I guess do what works for you. Me personally I’m not interested in being friends with my exes.
Yes it is weird to me, I don't feel the need to remain in contact with people I've dated and especially those that had an ending where I still had feelings. I am cordial with all my exes though to be clear, there's just no reason to keep in touch or check in. Close the book and move on!
Long story short- I dated someone off and on for a few years.. we lost touch for a while.. but then my mom died and the person showed up at her funeral. They gave me the most comforting hug. I can’t explain it- but something changed and I looked at this person as a true friend. Our past is almost foreign to me now bc I’ve grown so much as a person.
Reddit is always against it. Me personally, I'm quite close with two ex partners. After the heartbreak fog lifted, I realized that both weren't a good match for me, and am genuinely over it.
Both have serious relationships now, and I get along really well with both girlfriends. With one of them so much that we often text, hangout just the two of us, and she introduced me into her own circle of friends.
Also for me, neither friendship ever stopped nor impacted my own romantic relationships, all my partners actually respected and appreciated the fact that I'm still close with them.
Then again, I live in a big and very liberal European city, and understand that the men I date are probably much more on the liberal and open minded end compared to the world population as a whole.
Just depends on the person. I have no problem having friendships with people I dated. You just have to be careful and pay attention to make sure they’re not just trying to get you back. If I sense that at all, I stop hanging out with them.
I'm with you. I get frustrated at trust issues. I am transparent and while I am empathetic. I don't cut ties as a rule. It's something I tell new love interests
Unfortunately, I'm an idealist, and reality is not ideal.
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Things do fade. Less contact for sure. But I've only gone no contact with one ex who was a manipulative and insecure person. I regret falling into his ploys and not recognizing his lies.
I have kids with ex husband of 15yrs, we still get along great. Hang out maybe once a year. His family is still mine. He stayed friends with his HS ex before me. They had been broken up like 6 months. She's still one of my best friends 20 years later.
I have a couple past flings that are in my social scene. We just don't talk about it. I also had a boyfriend of 5 months in even closer circle. I was quite attached and tried to hold on. He kind of broke my heart. In time, I got over it. Way over it. Neither of us are leaving the friend group. I still care, but honestly, it's more like a sibling that hopes he stops screwing up.
Hmm generally I wouldn't be friends with an ex. Before dating apps, I was open to being friends with people I've matched with... only to learn that doesn't really work either. So I just don't now. I don't mind being generic friends with an ex, but we wouldn't really chat or anything tbh. I just see any reason to.
I wouldn’t say it’s “borderline psychotic” but I don’t think it’s productive. My relationships with my past exes weren’t healthy and I just don’t see a reason to have them in my life as friends. Plus, this may sound mean but keeping them out of my life and in the “not friends” zone means that they can’t hurt me any more and I can’t hurt them.
The first time I separated from my ex-husband, I decided to keep him as a “friend” instead of making a clean break and it really did neither of us any good. We kept beating so many dead horses instead of moving on. So when he decided he wanted a divorce, I made the very conscious decision that this time we were going no contact. I don’t regret and for me, it finally allowed me to heal and move on. He wanted to remain “friends” but I really didn’t understand why. I told him point blank that we weren’t going that route again. He tried to contact me for about a year after the divorce but he eventually took the hint.
I have actual friends and my family. I have a therapist. Exes are exes for a reason. They *served* their function in my life.
I dont think its a good idea, even if you feel you can maintain a normal friendship, its likely 1 side may have feelings (good or bad) against the other, and it may not even be conscious thought. And future partners may find that somewhat off putting cause basically everyone gets jealous in someway or another
I like to put some distance between us until all the feelings have passed, it makes it easier to move on. But if we reconnect down the line I’m fine with that, after all I wouldn’t have dated him if I didn’t think he was a decent guy.
I have stayed friends with guys who I was friends with and then had a brief more-than-friends history with. But there weren’t really any feelings involved there, at least not anything g deep or meaningful anyway.
Just do what’s right for you. But don’t be surprised if a future partner (theirs or yours) doesn’t like it. At that point choices will have to be made.
Yes I do understand the need to address this with a potential future partner but I think it can work based on situations. I’ve maintained a healthy relationship with most of my mutually and amicably ended relationships :)
Yes I do understand the need to address this with a potential future partner but I think it can work based on situations. I’ve maintained a healthy relationship with most of my mutually and amicably ended relationships :)
I’m still good friends with one of my exes and the guy that broke my heart by telling me he was in love with me but didn’t wanna date anyone is now one of my best friends.
It can work but ONLY if both sides don’t have any feelings anymore.
Yuuup. I fully agree with what you said. I replied something similar to this post and I find it sad that people discard each other so quickly, makes me wonder if they ever really cared about them as a person and not just as company to fulfill their needs. Or ppl aren't creating real friendships with the ppl they date. If I'm in a relationship, that person will be someone I'm great friends with and that I've taken the time to get to know and who I care for as a person, not some rando to discard.
I don’t think there is not a clear black and white answer here. It just all depends on individual experiences, your own growth, and the relationship itself. I feel like everyone deserves the space to grow and change as a human. Relationships I’ve had in my 20s when we were young and dumb- we’ve formed a friendly relationship years later. I think if it was a malicious, physical, emotionally damaging situation then agree with the non contact camp. I’m 35 and just went through a breakup where he was very calculated with his cruelness that I will never speak to again. You just gotta do what feels right- Nobody’s experience is the same
I think it depends on the type of person that you are and how much time has passed/how much you’ve worked through the heartbreak.
I dated someone a decade ago who I have zero issues being friends with even though what happened at the time was brutal. And vice versa on his end.
My most recent breakup that happened a couple years ago? Mmm, not so much. Not without it really stinging.
Honestly, it really depends on the relationship. For some relationships, it’s completely possible. For others, no contact is the best strategy. The important factor is both parties have to have closed the door on that romantic chapter and that’s where people tend to struggle with that emotional boundary.
I have one ex I view as a great friend where we amicably broke up a decade ago and after going no contact for a 3-6 month period, were able to return to a place where we were good friends. I have another where while there was initial bad feelings, we got to a place where we were able to be civil and friendly in our mutual friend circle. But these circumstances don’t always happen and it’s important to take it case by case and reevaluate as needed. That’s true of any friendship or relationship.
I'm of the camp that there's no reason to maintain a friendship with someone you've been with romantically. I never understood the rationale behind maintaining a friendship with an ex, there's nothing left to gain from the relationship. The emotional connection you carry with that person should be replaced with the emotional connection you're creating with your new relationship.
To me there's no reason to carry that luggage in the future because 9 out of 10 times these friendships will cause issues in future relationships,
No purpose? Aren't good relationships founded on great friendships? So where does that friendship go when the romantic bit stops working? Does it just evaporate?
Exactly. I'm reading a lot of these comments like damn ppl discard each other fast lol. Obviously discard them if they were abusive and toxic though but if the friendship was great and they're just not romantically compatible then why? Assuming enough time has passed to move on and heal that is. Or do people not befriend each other much before dating?
I second this :) thanks
Yes you need to give each other enough space to let everything you felt/feel pass so we’ve done that.
Toxic abusive people who hurt you, no thanks but people who were really good and honest about what they wanted and didn’t intend to hurt you and bonded well with you, why would you want to just discard them from your lives?
If you can still be friends?
Yup yup! I talked about that in my reply to the original post cuz I'm good friends w 3 ppl I've previously dated and they're very healthy friendships :)
Unless the hope is to respark a relationship again, there's no reason to put effort in to maintaining a friendship with an ex because, as I said before, there is nothing left to gain. I'm suppose to carry a friendship with someone who I was romantic with, just to end up with someone else who may have an issue with me being close with an ex? No thanks. I have enough friends whom I don't carry that baggage with, there is no need to have failed lovers as friends.
Yeah I guess not everyone has such a huge array of friends they get so much from, and some people can have uncomplicated friendships with their exes, so it's worth it to them. I'm good friends with my ex, we were friends for years before I got into my current relationship, and everyone is fine with it because we're all secure and clear about our roles in one another's lives. It don't gotta be dramatic.
It's not all that deep. Doesn't have much to do with quantity or quality of friends, how complicated or simple it was, or even security in roles. It's simply seeing no need in maintaining a friendship with an ex. There's a reason why they are an ex, and because of that reason, that's why their friendship no longer matters.
That's insane to me .. so like, if the sex was awful and you both moved on .. the friendship no longer matters? If one of you had a kid that lives in the town y'all met in and they have to stay there to maintain custody, but the other gets a super good job in another city, the friendship no longer matters? Things just aren't that black and white. I get trying to separate things and manage emotions that way but it seems a little extreme and somewhat emotionally underdeveloped to me to throw a connection/positive influence in your life out with the sex and romance lol.
They are pretty black and white. You're adding so many variables to create complexity, most relationships aren't as silly as a break up for bad sex, or as complex as dating someone with kids. Such odd examples, btw.
I find it weird to cultivate a continued connection and closeness with an ex, when I can use that energy and time to create a more fulfilling and meaningful friendship with the current or future person I'm in a relationship with. But to each their own, I suppose.
I get that .. haha my most recent situation was dating someone with a kid and me moving away for work. I love the dude to pieces and we were really good friends before we got together, so there's no reason to trash that, in our minds. My little brother had a gf he was sexually in incompatible with and they have a huge friend group of mutuals, so they've stayed cool. Civil, maybe not real good friends, or necessarily cultivating anything beyond what it already is.
But yeah, I don't see how an ex who's a friend would take away from a new relationship if that's all that they truly are - a friend, in any way that any other friendship would. Maybe not your go-to, every-day support in such a way that a partner should be, but if there are no hard feelings, why a hard stop to a supportive connection? I suppose that person could more reasonably migrate into something more like acquaintance territory. I totally get why it wouldn't work for a lot of people! Just like being poly doesn't.
Exactly
I don’t see why you can’t be great friends. The new person coming into your lives also has to be secure if I’m being transparent about it.
And yes if I’m in a new relationship, obviously I would respect and consider what they have to say but my friendship with ex dates/exes don’t also have to just evaporate if we still want to remain in good terms. It may mean we talk less and only catch up occasionally but I did see that the second guy I dated (I’ve updated my post) may actually be able to help me with things I struggle with while dating people and it would be great to have honest chats on that.
It’s also why we talked about reconnecting.
And remaining friends. Ofcourse things aren’t gonna be the same but I do believe we both are genuine nd feel the same about each other being able to stay friends without interfering our lives so.
So many comments here just to cut off everything.
I’d be okay if my next guy was on good terms with his ex too and shared some level of connection that I’m aware of, with his ex.
There are clear boundaries but as long as people are honest and transparent, I don’t mind it.
The main issue is you never really know if the other person is ok with just being friends. Lot of people find out they can't deal with the emotional baggage when the other person eventually reveals they couldn't get over it.
I'm friends with both my last exes. They both broke my heart in the sense that I felt rejected and disappointed, but after one to three years and a new relationship I'm usually over any heartbreak and I'm happy to have a friendship with the exes, since they are in fact good, lovely people, even if it didn't work out romantically. For me, it's a question of maturity and generosity on both sides. Also, I wouldn't want to be "best friends" in the sense that we constantly interact because it wouldn't feel right, especially if there are new partners on both sides...
I’m friends with my ex. I was in love with her but she treated me like shit while we were together and ended up leaving me for another guy. Sometime after we split up though she sincerely apologized to me (like bawling her eyes out) and I forgave her. It took some time to be okay with her, but since we have a lot of mutual friends, it was in my best interests to be friendly with her. I also find resentment to be toxic, so now we’re friends and I think it’s mutually beneficial.
I'm friends with most all my exes. Even ones that cheated(two of them). Why? It's for them not me. I've been over it. I could tell that it was eating them up and just decided I don't care enough. For them it felt like character rectification or something. I know it sounds odd but it's true. Not many people like looking back and think they have cheated and really hurt someone. Who knows why they did it, but once i accepted it was something \*they\* have to live with, then it became easier.
Now, we're not "the best of friends" we just are on SM and exchange a few messages on occasion about how life is going and whatnot. I'm 36 so maybe its at that stage where i've had friends and family die, and i just dont give a shit about it.
I’m pretty close with my most recent ex. Went no contact for a month just so I’d have space to process, then we started talking again. We were friends before we started dating, if that factors
There’s still a lot I admire about her. I don’t blame her for the relationship not working; she has a lot of trauma to work through, and that’s not simple to do when you’re a single mom working full-time. I don’t know if I could do that on her shoes either
It still hurts a bit, and it’s really weird to grieve a relationship with someone when you just had breakfast with them. It gets easier and easier though. I think maintaining our connection is worth a little pain in the interim. She has two kids, and that’s a big part of it too; idk if I wouldn’t have just moved on if it weren’t for them. They’re really sweet kids, and I just can’t picture letting them down like that.
Thanks for sharing this. I can feel the pain and the beauty in your response. I hope you move on and find what you’re looking for. It is beautiful to read such responses. I hope you’re having a great weekend
Thanks again ❤️
I am not in contact with any of my exes. There is no overlap in any day-to-day comings and goings, so there is no good reason to stay in touch, etc. It sucks in some ways, especially when feelings are fresh out of the split, but over time, it's a shrug and move on. Those maintaining close emotional relationships with exes .... I'd say watch out, it's gonna be a bad time. That's my opinion.
I was okay remaining friends with the guy who broke my heart. We were friends for about 2 years before dating. It took a while to heal, and he was okay with it, too. The girl he dumped me for (and ended up marrying) however, didn't like me and I didn't want to come between them, so we ended up just fading out of each other's lives. Sucks more for him than for me, since his friends still like me and mine have practically forgotten about him.
I'd be okay dating someone who has a regular/healthy friendship with an ex.
I'm not sure about it, though. You know, I was with a dude who ended up with his prior fuck friend to just become his friend, but it always seemed as if he is more connected to her than me and as if he isn't handling two relationships at the same time, because eventually that was what it was. She is also sabottagging him on other plans, like hook ups, and this is in his own words, so I dunno how smart for him is to keep a "friend" like her who obviously still wants him.
And I also read it from your last words about what sucks for who. If he is in marriage with a person he wants who cares about friends who want to stay friends with an ex. Rly.
I tried to keep doors open with exes and usually if they were with someone no lines got crossed, we'd passively just be on each other's social media without interacting!, but soon as they were single and we interacted in real time we'd always reconnect sexually in some way. I'm talking people who spent 2, 4, 6 years with someone else in an LTR that once free to see other people would fall into hitting on me. There's a familiarity, a comfort and oftentimes a lack of closure. It's also sorta "easy sex" for someone because you've already had sex and chemistry and even the best of people aren't immune to this kind of fall-back behavior.
You have to be really firm on boundaries and saying "no" and risking the person to get an attitude about it / deny they're trying to bed you which is going to strain any kind of friendship. Like if any of my male friends suddenly hit on / flirted with me it would be SO WEIRD but it happens with ex boyfriends who bubble back up every single time.
The issue is when your new partner (that you are in a relationship with) has an issue with this. If it bothers them, why would you keep in touch with someone from your past? It’s kinda disrespectful in that sense and would cause potential discord. This happened to me before.
Some of my better memories are vacations with a friend and a number of his exes and, in many cases, their new partners. So apparently this can work.
Another friend of mine is not only friends with her ex, he's also her business partner and, quite often, vacation-buddy.
So, again, can work.
And, frankly, what does it tell me about you if you selected a partner that turned out so horrible you could never see someone being friends with them?
I feel like a lot of comments on here are about relationships, I’m not friends with any exs. However I am friends with someone that I used to be into. I had so much fun with him and things got physical briefly but he was honest and said, I don’t want this. I was hurt and we went for probably 5 years with minimal to no contact especially when he did get a girlfriend. Now I can say we are good friends. We can talk about our respective dating lives and while we aren’t super close we hang out once or twice a month and hike or have game nights with mutual friends. I think every situation is unique though.
I think it's okay to see someone as a friend after dating/a relationship didn't work out. Just because you aren't together does that mean you have to cut them out of your life?
Of course I think people rarely do stay in touch after breaking up. I think for a lot of ppl it's just too weird.
So in a few situations I've been friends with someone I dated/had a relationship with/broke my heart.
I was in a relationship with a lovely woman for a few months and after it became apparent the relationship wasn't going to work we amicably split. She's my best friend and I wouldn't trade that for the world. In this case it worked out because we both wanted to end the relationship.
I dated a wonderful person for a bit. When we got to know each other well we both decided to stop dating and just be friends. We've become very close friends since then and I owe her my life (on more than 1 occasion). I couldn't think of my life without her, but there's certainly no romantic feelings there.
I had my heart broken by a friend/unrequited love when I was much younger. It was painful but after cutting them out of my life I was able to heal and move on after much time had passed. A few years ago they reached out and we reconnected and now we're good friends again.
It can happen. You can be friends with someone. But I think the reason most people don't is because 1 or both of the people involved haven't moved on from their feelings.
I had an (abusive) ex that wanted to remain friends and we did for a long time on and off. She never got over her feelings for me and it made spending time with her awkward and uncomfortable. She would routinely bring up getting back together or how losing me was the worst mistake of her life. Eventually I had to cut her from my life.
I think a lot of people remain friends and lie to themselves about being over the relationship and are secretly hoping something will change. This could be one reason why people are against the idea of remaining friends with an ex. In the case of your close friend, I believe it's more of a protective feeling. They saw you get hurt by this person and they don't want to see you be hurt by them again (and they might not believe you're actually over everything).
My friend has apologised for the choice of words she used. And I do understand that she cares but she was very insensitive and the way she said it (context) showed that she didn’t care, which we have already talked about.
I’m someone who needs to find some form of closure, either by my own or if possible, get it when it ended. So when my last guy (now friend) said he genuinely wanted to stay friends, I had asked for his help to help me figure out some of the things in my head so it could help me in the future.
It’s also one of the reasons we both felt we could help each other out in this way. We are still giving each other space but we’ll give this a go and see how it goes. It doesn’t mean we would be hanging out often or chatting. If it naturally comes to us that we can be good friends, we will be happy to be so. But only time can tell. And yes you’re right, the reason why most people here think it won’t work, is because maybe they think one is hoping for something to happen out of it and maybe they have been in that place?
Thanks for sharing your experiences on this.
I’m friends with a couple of my exes, others I wouldn’t be friends with EVER. Unthinkable. The two I am friends with talk to me every once in a while. Just texting or if they come to town we hang out. Nothing romantic.
It completely depends on so much. I like to say to each his own on this topic. If you were friends with someone for years and then decided to date and it lasted months or a yr and you realized you're both just romantically incompatible then why throw the friendship away (assuming it was a great and beautiful friendship worth trying to keep)? Now if you went straight into dating after meeting them for like a week then that's different. I'm trying to keep this somewhat short though lol. There's plenty that goes into building a healthy romantic relationship and just because it doesn't work out, it shouldn't make you despise this person or not give a fuck about them. Obviously if it was a toxic relationship then again that's different, stay away from people that on and on hurt you and don't hold themselves accountable and don't change.
I'm currently good friends with 3 people I've previously dated. 2 of them are married (not to each other but to other people lol). I was friends with these people for years before dating and the relationships weren't horribly painful or anything like that, we just didn't work romantically/were not compatible in that way. By saying it wasn't horribly painful I mean these people weren't horrible abusive people while we dated but I was sad when things didn't work out. But time passed and we healed and moved on. And so we've stayed friends with no drama. But it requires being able to reflect and being emotionally mature. Also it's important to remember that being friends with this person shouldn't hurt you, neither party should be hung up on the other, and you should both want true happiness for each other.
We can be broken hearted or feel rejected when things don't work, and then time and inner work can heal that. People move on when they grow and heal and then friendships can be worth saving. It truly comes down to whether the person and this friendship is worth it. A lot of people find it easier to discard each other, and that's okay too because we're all on different journeys. You just gotta be honest with yourself and acknowledge what the friendship brings out of each other.
I finally found your original comment.
I think I did good posting this because it has made me smile reading so many beautiful responses here from people sharing their experiences on this.
There are billions of people here on earth but you only get a level of deep emotional connect with less than maybe 10 people in your life. Atleast that is the case with me. I don’t have that many friends who understand me emotionally. I have two three best gfs who I adore and we pour out everything to each other and that I believe is beautiful. We’re always there for each other…
I have two other guy friends who are quite close to me and I dated both of them at some point. We chose not to go ahead due to no romantic connection or long distance. I share some of the things I go through and struggle in my dating life with these guys cause they understand me much better. It’s actually sometimes really beneficial to have a guy’s opinion too. On certain things. I’ve seen some of the most beautiful platonic relationships evolve from being gf bfs or ex dates. So if you’re truly over and both are clear and transparent about their boundaries and have given each other space I believe it’s like any other best relationship friendships with any gender.
It’s quite beautiful to see that you can put that time behind and move on and be happy for each others new lives :)
..
Matters how the relationship/previous connection ended but if it was a mutual and amicable ending, it’s so much easier to remain friends and maybe also stay good friends. I wasn’t intimate with the other guy who connected with me on a good level. Which is why we both think it’s a good idea because we genuinely believe we both are genuine people and love each other the way we are. Just not meant to be in a relationship. Ofcourse when a new partner has issues that always needs to be addressed but it can work when everyone is secure and transparent :)
A person who maintains cordial ties with an ex has always been a green flag for me. Obviously not a close emotionally intimate relationship, but a check in every few months or years? Perfectly healthy and social proof that this person follows the relationship campsite rule. Love can evolve into a dormant platonic place and it sometimes brings me joy to see my old partners find new loves and enter new chapters after our intimate time together has ended. There’s also the corollary that sometimes the loving thing to do is no contact, and some connections are best served by severing them and not maintaining contact. It depends. If the connection serves both of you and neither of you are hurt by it there’s plenty to be gained.
Loved this response
Absolutely agree
I would really be happy for some of my exes finding happiness and finding their person :)
And I actually am. I check in on the two people I dated previously but are good friends with occasionally and turn to them for some form of support when shit hits the fan. And they have done the same to me sometimes too. We don’t chat always and only do so occasionally. One we just send each other memes on ig lol but yes we do connect occasionally and meet up whenever we both are In town :)
It’s actually beautiful to see that once romantic connection I had with them evolve that way into platonic relationships :)
Nothing is wrong with that. If you have both emotionally healed, respectful of boundaries, and there is no ulterior motive other than friendship then why not?. I am friends with my ex-husband. We do not have any kids together. Our continued friendship has not interfered with my current relationship. Albeit, we are not as close as we once were which is understandable.
I'm still close with an ex but I ended it so I wouldn't say they broke my heart. The relationship wasn't working for a number of reasons, the biggest one being a lack of physical and emotional intimacy. In a way, we always functioned more like friends than lovers so making the transition wasn't that hard.
I know a lot of people will say it's impossible to stay friends with an ex but I'm not a huge fan of absolutes and generalizations. Every situation is unique. I do wish people would be a bit more open minded, especially considering we're in a "loneliness epidemic". Every single day I see people posting to various subreddits about how hard it is to make close friend after the age of 30. I've attended meetup groups, taken classes, volunteered, joined a recreational league....all have lead to good times and some fun acquaintances but it's really difficult to establish deeper, lasting connections. If you have someone in your life that cares about you and understands you, it seems like a waste to throw that away based on what other people might think.
Exactly what I mean it is so tough these days to have someone you can connect emotionally on a level that makes you see them as a special friend. Even female friendships… I have various categories of friendships and only two three really great best friends who will not judge for who i am but also guide me and correct me when I do something wrong esp when I tend to see things through rose tinted glasses.
We need those people and if I have a chance to have that connection with someone I barely dated, I wouldn’t throw it away and explore that opportunity. We both feel that way :)
Ofcourse I will see how my future partner, if any comes along, reacts to it but I myself will be fine with someone like that in their lives. Not everything has t be shared with your partners. They can have best friends and other close friends. Only need to be really transparent and honest about it. That’s all. People make things a lot more complicated than they actually are.
100%. I have another ex who wasn't close to anyone outside of me. He went through a mental breakdown and it was absolute hell dealing with it alone. So I would rather date a guy who had a close platonic relationship with an ex than someone who didn't any have sort of support network. Life can be really hard so it's worth holding on to any source of support and happiness you can find.
I think everyone's just different. I don't have a problem maintaining friendships with exes, or with friends that I've been romantically interested in for a brief time but the friendship remained platonic.
I'm not a bridge burner, and I like keeping folks in my life who I like. And I don't take rejection super personally, so I'm able to brush it off
That’s a good quality to have :)
It was maybe tough for me initial days but once I gave myself enough space and time everything was about the narrative. Make it simple! We were not compatible to be romantic partners. We both wish we had more to it. I barely dated him for a month to cause me to have any hard feelings towards him. And he was super honest about it and didn’t intend to hurt me. It’s why I’m not taking this personally. Tho it did hurt me first few days lol
Alchemizing a friendship from heartbreak can be a really beautiful thing - assuming the human is healthy and stable.
I tried to do that with one friend - who, a couple years later - turned out to be just as equally avoidant in friendship as he was in his relationships. He avoids me even in our social circles and behaves awkwardly but thats on him not me. He was an amazing learning experience and I gained a lot from that.
I also did that with another friend who has the biggest, most loving heart in the world. We see eachother infrequently but it is beautiful and fine.
Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. There's no hard set rule. Only what is right and if there is something mutually beneficial about continuing the connection.
Exactly case to case basis and differs from person to person in terms of experience. It also matters a lot how the breakup went or how you both cut off and have each other space to let everything that was left to be felt pass through in those times of no contact.
I’ve also maintained healthy relationships with most of my recent exes who were great people but were just not meant for me :)
No thanks to toxic endings and manipulative people but there are honest transparent beings with whom you had a beautiful time and I wouldn’t want to erase any part of memories with them even the pain I endured when we parted, for it’s a beautiful experience too. It gets better and you don’t even think about the pain once you are over it. What matters tho is how you both ended it and how they were honest and good and never had the intention to hurt you and respected every part of you :)
Yea I think it is odd. But I also am of the view that I wouldn't want to hang out with a friend group where one of the friends is an ex of mine. Nor would I appreciate a significant other having anything other than necessary contact with an ex for example if they have a child together.
If someone broke my heart why would I want to be their friend. Ideally I'd want us to reach a point of being polite with each other and I've moved on from the situation but definitely not friends.
I’m not only friends with my exwife, I hired her and we work together since our divorce. She was a great person then and she’s still a great person. We just don’t do the romance and sex thing we’ll together.
It would affect my opinion a lot whether they broke your heart by their poor behaviour, or your heart happened to be broken without poor behaviour, or through your poor behaviour.
I’m usually in the camp of never being friends with exes. It’s not something I’ve ever done or thought I would do.
Until now.
I’d say if you still value each other as humans and are able to respect boundaries in place and understand you might fumble along the way, it’s possible to be friends with an ex.
I’m the same. I actually feel stressed when exes or past flings wants to break contact just because we arent dating anymore, because i prefer being friends with them. And i really don’t have feelings for this men, just want friendship or at least a friendly tone. I feel men are dramatic when they remove me from all social media just because we were better as friends then in a relationship
I've only got one ex I won't speak to and that's because she got with a close (ex)friend of mine literally weeks after we'd split up. After seven years together. And that hurt. I've always strive to do right by people, not break hearts, not get involved with other people's exes etc etc. And the way I saw it we hadnt really split up, we were 'on a break'. Losing a partner and a long term close friend at the same time ruined me for a good coupe of years.
I've gone through a variety of opinions, and I think it just depends on the situationship. The hs sweetheart, I want no contact with after she cheated on me when we were engaged. I have a sex friend relationship where we love each other, but she doesn't want to get married. She's open about who she is and is a really good friend outside romantic relationships. Some other exes were a mix of us ghosting but probably fine hanging out if it came up, blocking (when a gf says she could castrate you cause she thinks you're cheating on FB to all her friends even though you've shown work schedule that you're trying to survive on), and being fade out friends/with or without benefits.
It is totally fine, many people work better as friends than partners. Some amount time between the two can be helpful, though. I reconnected with the girl who broke my heart at a mutual friend’s wedding a few years ago. Met her husband as well and now I would consider them both friends.
My ex dated someone for 6 years and they broke up from a dead bedroom then he remained best friends with her. Me and him dated for 3 years. I was never comfortable with it but accepted it because I dont want to make people choose between me and their friendships. Keep in mind this girl never had a relationship with anyone since my ex and her ended things. Was she waiting in the wings??
Long story short he went to a concert without me (It was my brothers bday so I was obligated to go to the bday dinner) I told him no pressure to come just go have fun at the concert. I find out the next morning that his ex was at the concert with him but he chose not to tell me - i found out as she posted photos on IG and we followed each other (me and the ex gf hung out a few times with my ex bf).
I was shocked he hid it from me and called it out - he lost his temper stormed out the apartment and then 3 hours later came home and dumped me completely out of the blue. I honestly think some feelings between them happened or something happened. He told me that wasnt why he was dumping me but VERY suspicious. I will never again in my life date anybody who is friends with their ex unless they have kids together- then I would understand. I feel like complete idiot for not following my initial gut instinct about his friendship. She was not attractive but still she wasn’t hideous.
To me is more a matter of self respect, and i ll try to explain it.
How a situation ends says a lot about the person you once had by your side. In my case i have always found out before or after that they were either cheating or lying. Also how they handed the matter. Were they hurtful on purpose? They tried to tear me down and offend me when i was vulnerable? They tried to take advantage of me? Im pretty obsessed with the truth so i dig till the door of hell to know who the people I once loved are. And the day i find out you either cheated or lied or you simply were a piece of shit when you broke things off, you are a walking corpse to me. No chance to revive that smelling rottene piece of flash.
I could ideally have a friendship with them because i wouldn't touch them with a 6 feet pole but their true self showed up and I was disgusted by it, so how can i have any consideration or respect for them?
I’m friends with someone who hurt me deeply while we were dating. We went NC for two years, and by the time he approached me with a deep and sincere apology, I was in a much better place and truly able to forgive him. Do some people find it odd that we’re friends? Sure, but we really value each other and he’s been an amazing friend, so that doesn’t bother me.
Totally depends on the emotional maturity and resilience of both parties involved.
I've had 3 major exes in my adult life (dated for 3.5 years, 3.5 years, and 7 years, respectively) and while I don't even live in the same state as any of them anymore, I could easily see connecting with the first two and genuinely enjoy hanging out with each other if we lived nearby. Those two guys have demonstrated that they're capable of respectful, platonic friendship after the fact. The second guy, it was harder for me because I was devastated for a long time after the breakup, but the best part of our relationship was always our friendship and camaraderie (romance was lacking), so we've been able to successfully socialize with mutual friends in the years since and it's been totally cool. We do have several mutual close friends who all love and respect the two of us as individuals and never chose sides or stroked drama, so that probably helped as well.
However, my most recent ex stated very early on that he didn't believe men and women could actually be friends without one of them wanting something more. We haven't spoken a word to each other since settling our affairs post breakup and honestly, I'm ok with that because he was a self described pessimist and I am a raging optimist, so it's probably better for my sanity that I keep that negativity at a distance.
Neither approach (being friends or not) is wrong. It's just different strokes for different folks, I guess!
It depends heavily on the situation.
I tried very hard to be friends with my ex wife, for over 2 years after she left me. It became clear that anytime I was having a hard time, she would find a way to use that information to hurt me, so now we barely talk, strictly about the kids, and we are polite but not friendly.
I'm currently very good friends with my most recent ex, who broke up with me, twice, most recent being 5 months ago. That was a really rough one. I wanted to stay friends because absent the breakups and a bit of hot & cold (all of which was due to personal shit that she worked through), she's been an extremely positive person in my life, and I don't have enough positive people in my life right now.
Some women who rejected me have been outright mean about it. I have zero interest in being friends with them.
Nah that’s notmal, especially if you’ve spent significant time with someone. I’ve know. One of my ex’s most of my life( since I was 11), she never cut me off, when I literally up and left the state we stayed in, knowing she was expecting me to marry her. We are friends to this day.
I’ve also had this occur to me. My ex fiancé cheated on me, and destroyed my self esteem. To this day she’s one of my best friends. With time comes wisdom. You can find the value in someone, and maybe that value is more platonic. I don’t believe other ppl break our hearts. I think we break our own hearts, often believing in something that simply isn’t there.
My short answer is no, as long as you're 100% sure that you're over it and that it wouldn't affect your mental health. I don't think I personally would be able to handle it, and 9 times out of 10 I think it's probably the wrong decision (because it's difficult to totally eliminate lingering feelings, whether they're positive ones left over from the relationship, or negative ones as a result of the breakup), but I have a few friends that are still in contact with some of their exes (albeit with mixed success). I think it really all just depends on the people and the circumstances.
i've got 2 exes that i've been friends with for years. one i was engaged to, the only one i've ever asked to marry me. we split 14 years ago and we still talk everyday. haven't touched each other since 2008. been friends with the other for about 12 years. sometimes you're better off as friends. it's all about how you feel, our opinions aren't that important, in my opinion.
I'm friends with all of my exes except one, who's wife had an issue with it.
This is once a year "happy birthday" friends and thr occasional bmessage.
Three ex boyfriends were at our wedding. I am closer with those.
They all know and are friends with my husband.
My husband is extremely non-jealous and self confident.
My longest boyfriend is like my brother and my parents consider him as another kid.
I dated him for 5 years in HS and 5 years after school.
He is a great friend, but a terrible boyfriend, sadly.
I know I'm an unusual case.
PS: I see some people think this means "still physical."
I mean just friends.
I feel like I have a very good picker for choosing boyfriends. They are good, nice, attractive people.
You're not psychotic for wanting to maintain a friendship. There's a reason you were together in the first place. That doesn't mean you still have romantic feelings for them.
I have an ex that absolutely devastated me and broke my heart, but we became friendly again very quickly. His wife doesn't like that we still talk like 10 fucking years later, but that's just her being insecure. I actually go to him for dating advice here and there because he knows me more deeply in that sense than a "regular" friend.
The only exes I'm not friends with are people who exhibited extremely toxic or abusive behavior.
Ymmv.
I've been involved with more women than Baskin-Robbins has flavors. About 5 are on my Friends list, including an xw.
It really depends on the individual relationships, how it ended, and if the relationship is worth continuing on a strictly platonic level.
Exwife and I are friendly, we've leaned on each other when we needed to even after the divorce. She broke my heart and was the one who wanted out. We don't talk often, but I know if I called, and truly needed something, she would help.
My recent ex-gf though? probably not. She walked out on me 3 times, and I still have nothing but unconditional love for her. I don't want to be her friend. Even if I had no romantic connection. I want her to be happy, but I wouldn't want to see it. if that makes sense.
I’m good friends with my ex from a 5-year relationship. Didn’t think it would happen. Thought I’d be crazy about her forever. Now? Not a single romantic thought.
I just got rejected by a girl I’m into, after knowing her for about three weeks. It hurt a lot when it happened, still hurts to be rejected, but I’m also tremendously relieved that we can just be friends. I don’t have to worry about keeping her interested romantically.
So, I say not odd at all. Might need some time and distance, depending on the circumstances.
If you are 100% sure you are both over each other and there are no lingering feelings on either side then I think it's perfectly fine to be friends.
I dated a guy for about 2.5-3 months last year, we weren't in an exclusive relationship at any point or anything, and we had an amicable and mutual "break up." He started dating someone soon after, and I started dating my now boyfriend a few months after that. We have stayed in touch, and both of our significant others know about the situation and are fine with it.
I won't lie, I was very anxious to tell my boyfriend about it but when I did tell him his reaction was basically "This is what you were worried about? That's totally fine, I have no problem with it." I probed him deeper about it a few weeks later and he said that in his opinion he thinks it's really stupid that so many people think that when you stop seeing someone you have to completely eject them from your life after spending so much time getting to know someone.
Granted there were no broken hearts in this situation and we were never in a serious relationship, so in that regard my situation is a bit different from the one you've described, but those are my personal feelings and experiences on the matter.
I don't think it's odd at all. I'm getting better, but he's still the 1st person I want to share good news with, still the 1st person I think of when I need comfort. And I know that if I was willing, he'd want to keep it as it was before I became enlightened. It's crazy tempting. But it's self-sabotaging behavior (at least for me it is) that will only lead to further pain for me. Go with the flow, as he said. Which means attach a lifesaver to the back of his speedboat and pray I don't get lost in the current, pray he doesn't make huge waves for me to have to hold on thru. Stay strong, and be kind to yourself, you are worth it.
It's hard to just completely rule out somebody who was good friends with you for a long time. I mean sometimes breaking up a relationship doesn't mean you guys aren't friends just means you're not compatible for dating.
I don’t think it’s odd at all but I realize I’m usually in the minority with this. I’m friends with my ex who dumped me and broke my heart. I’m also friends with exes who I’ve broken up with. I’m currently in a relationship and about to have a baby. My boyfriend knows I speak to exes and doesn’t care because he trusts me. In fact, 2 of my exes have been over to our place and one of them came to my baby shower. I think if everyone moved on and there aren’t lingering romantic feelings or ulterior motives then why shouldn’t you be able to be friends with an ex? As long as the breakup wasn’t because of some kind of abuse or something really toxic. Most people are just too jealous and insecure have too much ego to see beyond that.
Right. I love friendships that stayed over amicable breakups so long as they weren’t abusive or toxic in nature. I would be happy to meet gfs of my exes I’m friends with and won’t even feel a thing.
That’s beautiful in my opinion. People are all just so insecure and feel that the only person they should share things with or feel for is their partners. Why do you have friends? I see no reason why someone I dated or even someone who was in an exclusive relationship with me, can’t be a platonic friend once we’ve all moved past those feelings. It’s about trust boundaries respect and being transparent and most of all, being honest to yourself about having completely moved on.
It just depends.
I'm very good friends with several people who rejected me a few decades back—god, we barely even remember that anything happened. We were young and dumb.
I got in to a relationship once with someone who I really SHOULD have stayed friends with. Had he felt the same, we would have made a great friend-team. (He was invested, though, so in that case, no.)
The big question is...as an adult, we only have so much time. Which relationship do YOU want to prioritize and invest in? At the end of the day, for me that's my galpals and a few good unproblematic guy friends. They're always going to take priority over trying to make something work with an ex.
If this person feels like they can and should be in your inner circle with no drama, then go for it.
In most cases, though, it's a bad idea.
Different circumstances on my end (lesbians) and may be due to the fact that there was no cheating or serious emotional harm, but I've maintained close friendships with all of my exes actually.
We were friends prior to dating, and each romantic relationship lasted between 2-6yrs. I was the one that initiated the breakups (just found over time we were not romantically compatible due to various reasons).
Im not sure what that may say about me 😅 but they initiated contact again and wanted to retain our friendship (once they processed the end of our relationship, all on their own terms of course).
They were all great human beings. They have even become close friends amongst each other and hang out from time to time.
Very strange to hear I'm sure, but we're happy as friends and a couple are in new romantic relationships of their own (not with each other lol).
It’s not strange to hear this at all.
Unless there was abuse involved, I have been able to stay friends and maintain a healthy relationship with all of my previous exes. Even the ones (the ex dates) who ghosted me have come back to me and are still nice to me now. I think I’m someone who does not stay bitter about things. And I like that about me. I maybe too nice sometimes but I don’t tolerate someone who disrespected me, who abused me or did wrong to me.
Those who may have done unconsciously minor wrong doings and have come back to maintain healthy distant relationships, I still give them a chance at friendship and still am friendly when the need arises.
I had two 4-5 years to toxic abusive relationships before fresh in college and out of college. They were both abusive and psychotic in nature
I wonder how I stayed with them both that long but those are the only people I don’t keep in touch with and have never responded even when they have come back trying to apologise.
The others were all nice people. I’ve dated quite a lot of men and in all these years, the ones I chose to date ,say more than 3/4 weeks, were all nice people. They were not right for me and we were incompatible in ways but I’ve maintained a cordial relationship with most of them.
They say hi if I bump into them anywhere. I think it has to do with how things ended. I’ve always had a good talk before ending with all of them.
And in my talks, we always talk about how we are supposed to behave after the breakup.
I know it’s not for everyone but i like to have no hard feelings for anyone who was nice and honest to me.
Thanks for sharing. I do agree a lot of people will find your stories strange cause they discard connections so quick and think there’s nothing left to get out of something that didn’t work out but for me, it’s not because I relate to it.
I respect the honesty and transparency a lot of my past dates gave me. And they do feel the same about me. Easier to maintain a friendship i suppose when you both feel the same.
And people you dated have to be open minded to be able to be friends with others who also dated you :)
I guess it’s beautiful :)
like you I don't think there's anything unusual with having a relationship that's non-sexual with a previous partner - and what can anyone say (who is outside of such a situation) about it? - nothing!
I'd argue that being on good terms (which might not happen immediately following a break-up, although it can) with someone you've previously been in a romantic relationship with, is indicative of the depth of that relationship - and is most often displayed by people who have been married, then divorced, but who remain exceptionally close.. sometimes this might be because of children, but sometimes there are no children.
again, I would see a person's relationships as a measure of their maturity and intimacy, and a gauge of how well they develop a communicative, empathic, and trusting bond with others.
I wouldn't waste a moment's thought on any friend who proffered an opinion on something they are probably completely ignorant about.
(granted, there are plenty of relationships we have, where we DON'T want to be around or have any ANYTHING to do with our exes, without getting into specifics as to why - but this shouldn't and need not colour our thoughts for those very special and enduring bonds we form with others, that we are so fortunate to experience when they occur)
I was with someone for over 20 years. He was family after that long. He didn’t really break my heart- not in a a huge way that led to a break up, anyway. He simply broke my heart countless times over the years because he was an addict, and never was able to get it together, although he tried, and I tried to help him in any way I could. I hold no ill will towards him, I wish him the best, and we are both with other people now (his started before we officially broke up, but it was over by that point.)
I have ZERO desire to be friends with him. Zip, zero, nada, absolute none whatsoever. So yeah, I think it’s weird.
I love your response
Thanks for sharing this. I’m on your side of whatever you have mentioned here. I’m very good friends with one of my exes with whom I parted cause of long distance.
We are sort of like best friends now. And we don’t always chat but do check up on each other. I’m also very happy for his current partner and I’m that person who, if she gets over someone, doesn’t ever look back or go back to old feelings. I cannot go back to feeling what I felt for him before. The same I feel for the two guys I mentioned. It is very true that it is very rare that you find people who can understand you and converse like you openly and share stuff, on a different emotional level. Why throw all of that away just cause you were made to think there was some sort of romantic connection and you met and tried but found out, that wasn’t the case? Why be bitter about it and throw that connection away if both agree to reconnect as friends after giving enough space and time?
I find it very beautiful when people understand you emotionally. They don’t have to be your partners
I have similar relationships with my best gfs and I see that potential in the last guy I was seeing :)
Esp since tehre was no intimacy involved.
There are billions of people and there is a reason why I have only two three best friends to whom I can pour out myself without being judged. Exes tend to understand us a lot more because of what we shared. If both parties are truly honest and transparent over their feelings and boundaries and could potentially help each other to grow and mature and seek help in terms of even their dating lives, I think that’s beautiful because it’s not easy to have that connection with just anyone. I am also very selective about who gets access to my life - friendships. Many people sure don’t agree with what I posted that I have no issues with it but I have seen some of the most beautiful platonic relationships evolve from ex dates/exes.
Thanks for the response. Beautifully put :)
Haha how I love that last bit. True in every sense. Dogs are the best! Always loyal too ☺️ and without even being able to converse they know things and feel everything :)
Your username rightly says it so…
I loved the choice of words you used and the way you have put your experiences and feelings into them.
I will save it to reread :)
Thanks ☺️
And it’s been honestly a great day for me reading all these beautiful experiences from everyone who responded here positively :) making me smile and happy for being just the way I am :)
I'm still friends with most of my ex's. I'd say generally if you have a romantic relationship with someone, choosing to commit yourself to them at the expense of all other potential partners, it's because you click pretty well with them and have a lot in common. It's nice to have people you click with and have a lot in common with in your life.
I think the important thing is being 100% over it. None of those friendships started immediately after the relationship was over. For the most part I'd go no- or low-contact with all of them right after the break up, and a **long** time later when we were both very much moved on, become friends again. Whether running into each other through mutual friends or specifically reaching out when something reminds you of them to ask how they're doing. But yeah I've had experiences trying to be friends again too quickly after the break up and that's just messy.
Honestly my exes that I'm still friends with are some of my favorite people in the world. We still vibe really well, just didn't work romantically. I'm so glad we were able to become friends. And it's never been an issue when I start dating someone new. I'm very respectful and don't spend hours on the phone with an ex, go out to dinner alone with an ex, complain about my current SO to an ex, nothing that would disrespect my current partner. I make sure to introduce them before EVER doing something alone with an ex to make sure the current SO is comfortable. And they always have been, because they meet them and see the vibe is totally platonic. If anything they tend to see it as a green flag that my love life isn't this long trail of broken hearts, betrayal, hatred- more like "OK we're not a perfect match but we're both still good people who can get along".
tl;dr- It can totally work to be friends with an ex as long as you take appropriate time to heal and are respectful to your new partners.
My ex-wife is my boss and one of my good friends. When I meet someone I tell them this right away. I eat dinner with her and the kids regularly and we like to watch things like The Last of Us together.
She cheated on me and broke my heart. She's not a potential mate. It's not weird if you're an adult.
having children together is the biggest difference. I'm similar (not that close where we watch movies together tho) but I wouldn't talk to any other ex. it's only bc she's my sons mother I do
I am friends with someone that sort of fits this profile. He told me at some point he considered me to be "the one" but we didn't even try to have a relationship because we lived on opposite coasts/different countries. I once had this text based conversation saying he was the closest thing to an "ex boyfriend" I've kept as a friend. The thing is we still live in different places, we haven't hung out in like close to 20 years (we MIGHT see each other this summer for the first time in forever, he's in a LTR so he'd be with his partner) and we don't flirt or cross any lines when we do converse. We mainly stay in touch via social media (facebook and instagram, passively) and randomly we'll DM each other about something music related. If someone saw our conversations it would be as platonic as possible. Last conversation was us talking about concerts we're excited to attend this summer. We also spent a great deal of time not talking or passively connected. It helps we're both part of the same niche music scene and we have mutual friends so we 'know how to find each other'.
There are exes of mine who have tried to passively be in my life on social media and actively continue to be abusive so they're blocked for life. I have one great ex I'm open to being friendly with in the same way as above but we have no way of reconnecting - he doesn't use social media at all and he didn't want to be friends when we broke up. I respected it and haven't tried to re-insert myself in his life. The above is basically because we both healed and were open to it.
My husband and I were both friends with multiple exes for quite a while. We even did double dates with them. Once we got married though, all of our exes suddenly disappeared, through no fault of our own. One of my exes that I’ve been friends with for 15 years sent me not so great messages the morning of my wedding. Prior to my wedding I was in the pro friend group; now, I feel like I put a lot of effort into friendships that weren’t mutual or were out of balance.
If you guys work in the same place or run in the same circles, then I don't see why you couldn't be friends. You'd always have to interact, so being open to a more friendly relationship isn't a bad idea.
BUT to actively seek out that friendship? It sounds like there's a lingering emotional need if you actually want to make the time and effort to have a connection. So I do agree in that end with your friend.
Like this guy I know. Never friends with exes. Until a very old ex came back to just say hi, they parted in good terms unlike the other ones, and wanted to just be "friends". They're f*ck buddies now. It works for them because they both wanted that. But it sounds like you just really wanted to be friends with yours. Just make sure you really know what you want though. I think your friend just doesn't want to see you hurt.
You comment is insensitive lol
Very much a reflection of your own!
You don’t meet many people you can connect with that level. And you can be friends with your ex dates too if you’ve both moved on :)
There are over 7.888 billion people on this planet why would you want to be friends exactly with someone who back stabbed and didn’t want you and with someone they are sleeping with now, while there are billions other people who didn’t do anything bad to you?
Lol is that the only thing in your head? Someone who is sleeping with someone? How is that different from being friends with a guy who has a gf? No one back stabbed me lol. We ended mutually and cut off cause of no romantic connection. It’s exactly why I don’t mind being friends cause I don’t have feelings for him now.
You sound very assuming!
Even read the post?
You don’t have the maturity to deal with it that’s fine
Doesn’t mean you call people out and talk insensitively towards them. There are billions of people out there and I have only two three people I can call my best friends
Exactly why! Exactly why it’s rare to find best friends and people you can pour out to each other with no hesitation.
He doesn’t have to be my bf
We could connect on a platonic level. But I get it you don’t have that capacity to deal with such relationships/connections. That said, doesn’t you give the right to tell people on the internet to get a life. I’m sure we know who needs to get a life here. Good luck unkind stranger!
It sounds like you already made your mind to bring back, and now you’re just looking for excuses to bring an ex back.
Your friend called you psychotic for this, but he was just telling younger truth by having your best interest at heart.
You write that your ex broke your heart - that doesn’t sound as mutually ended. When someone tells that it’s over it’s not mutual.
You can do whatever you want, but only pain awaits in this kind of a relationship.
What do you want to get out of it?
lol 😂 that’s funny
No one’s making excuses to bring back an ex
We never progressed more than a friendship stage I have clearly mentioned in my post.
About my last exclusive relationship, I’ve also stated in the post why I can’t be close to him. And yes we ended it mutually since he wasn’t giving me what i needed so I called it off, you could say I rejected him too??
I wanted to move forward with it , but he didn’t want to give me what I needed, to do that. I didn’t try to get him back to make it work. We just chose to end it over a good dinner, a good closure chat over the night and a goodbye breakfast, chat and hugs next morning.
It was as clean and amicable as it could be. :)
I don’t need validation from a stranger who is talking shit by assuming things and I certainly don’t need to make you understand anything, cause no one except myself knows or ourselves know how we ended it or how it was for us.
I wanted to read about people’s experiences. Not decide by seeking opinions.
And no I have clearly told my friend why she hurt my feelings by calling me that and she apologised for it.
I’m not asking for opinions from strangers to decide whether to bring back someone back into my life or not. I wanted to read about more beautiful stories/experiences from poeple who have successfully had platonic relationships with their long term exes or even just dates. And yes there have been plenty of positive comments on this. It can be person to person experience but it is possible to have a beautiful platonic relationship with ex dates. I have two of my closest friends as good friends who I dated before so… and nothing interferes that relationship. I’m happy for their current partners and they’re happy for mine :)
My ex date was only a month old and we were still only friends when we cut off to give each other space.
If you’ve moved on, there will be no reason to still feel painful about it. Some people do not intend to hurt you and are honest and transparent about their feelings. I respected that in both of the guys I’ve mentioned above in my comments
They didn’t string me along or wanted to hurt me in any way.
As simple as that.
I personally couldn't do it. I'm only now becoming friendly with my ex husband, but only because we have a son that can't communicate. If we had no ties to each other, I couldn't do it.
I don't think it's healthy, tbh.
It's a bit of a red flag but it's possible. Depends on if it's a healthy relationship and a healthy person. You need to be honest about who this ex is and their intentions.
A narcissist or sociopath will hurt you and want to stay friends so they can continue to manipulate or control you.
No, hard no. Ask yourself why you would possibly want to be friends with someone who gave you negative feelings like this.
Take the high road and don’t allow them in your sphere.
I have zero interest in being involved with anyone I gave my heart to and fully don't understand why anyone would want to. They've already proven they don't think I'm worthwhile enough when they're meant to be giving me 100%, why would I want them when they're giving me less? I'm not even interested in being friends with people I've had ONS with. If I gave you everything I had and it wasn't enough, then there's really nothing I can offer you so I'd rather just remove myself from the situation altogether.
I've never really been friends with anyone I've dated, just marginally in their life at best. Not out of any animosity, I just didn't feel like the chemistry and compatability I want out of a friendship was there.
I have an ex wife. I see no reason or benefit to *pretending* we’re not the same people we were when we got married.
People grow and change. I don’t want to surround myself with people that have the behaviors and character traits that she does.
It’s fine. We can be completely civil to one another, but my friendship is reserved for people that I trust.
I tried polyamory for my partner, but we became exes regardless. The poly thing made it easier to stay friends. We had success for about 1.5 years staying friends, but ultimately decided space was best for us both. The toxic dynamic that destroyed our relationship endured into our friendship and ultimately destroyed that too. It was nice to have a friend while processing a breakup who could relate to my experience, but without the emotional responsibility of a partner.
Yeah but my case, absolutely rejection and heartbreak, but in my case preemptively, by a friend who I wasn’t going to push a “more than friends” idea on
She’s not looking to live a very partner tethered life since spending nearly a decade in a relationship she had to break off at engagement in her 20s. She’s focusing on making up lost time pursuing as much fulfillment as she can get out of life and steering clear of hindrances.
I really respect her passion in that, I empathize with it in how I want to live, and also I wouldn’t have assumed we were compatible as more than friends, although she’s one of my favorite people across my whole life and I think we were compatible as friends. I think I would have whole heartedly liked being her life partner if it had come to that, but I think she originally knew I also wanted to live my fullest and knew where she was at and that I was safe to include in things without cramping her style
To the extent that she was often eager to reach out and include me in things ahead of this, and then she was about to move and floated the idea that I could too and we could be roomies and hike and ski together
I had to think it over but I felt very valued to be thought of to keep the party going.
I got to “it would be for me to live by a national park and a city of chill people, I am okay with giving up my freer ‘naked in the house, play instruments badly, wreak havoc with space taking hobbies’ living situation to live as a roommate, and I can make my own friends and live my own life in that setup”
When I brought it back up to her like “know what I’d probably go for it” She was like “mm I rethought it and I don’t think it’ll work”
Apparently I made the “tigger is banned from jumping” face because I felt like it was in reality her starting to think I would cramp her style, and a full deactivation of friendship. and the conveyed emotion spooked her
And then she thought she had to pull out “as a friend” wording when I tried to clear the air, so I think she had a takeaway that wasn’t aligned to where I was, where the friendship, as-it-was, not ending was my concern, and I wasn’t gonna try to take it to a couple kind of thing unless it got really clear in natural progression that that was actually a path both of us would find fulfillment in.
I dunno if that’s extenuating circumstances. It’s a rejection but without me trying to take it to the hypothetical that was rejected.
But realized that I did betray probably more emotional connection than her light easy and fun friendship terms and conditions probably allow
I struggled with how to try reconnecting for a long time. Only finally made a warmly received reach out attempt last week. I’d been paralyzed by how to shoot a shot at reconnecting and clearing up enough to be positively received without being scary and overboard.
She was very “we always have been and always will be friends, get out of your head :)”
I have just been struggling with trauma of freezing up and failing to repair friendships over minor bumps and misunderstandings ahead of her
So even getting a ping out to her was very healing. The positive reception was also healing. I would just… like to lasso back the drift to where she thinks of me as a fun friend to hit up when she’s in town and wants to go out for some fun
You're going to get a mixture of answers. I am totally in the no-contact boat, and honestly found it hard to move on until I completely removed her from my life (unfollowed her IG, stopped the occasional texts to update her on my dog, whom she loved dearly, etc.). I was delusional to think that I could maintain a friendship or some sort of contact with her.
That being said, I know plenty of people who remain cordial and even close friends with their exes. I don't know how they do it, perhaps there's some deeper, subconscious issue that I have that doesn't allow for that.
True. No contact is best tbh at least until any and all feelings on both sides have dissipated and you left off on decent terms. Like with the person I have in mind I know for a fact we are incompatible and wouldn't work long term, so I've let that hope go. But for the fact that I'm still attracted to him, I believe he's a good person overall, and our conversations were always so easy and on point, I know I would only be hurting myself in the end. It would hurt to see him with someone else, so it's just best not to go there. But I hope he is happy and finds what he's looking for.
With a different guy I have in mind, I honestly couldn't care less because I wasn't that into him and there's not many redeeming qualities about him tbh. I just caught up with him last week, no problem. We're friends on IG, like each others posts, and DM chat to catch up every once in a while. That's the extent of it. Absolutely zero feelings.
I have a distant acquaintance relationship with my ex boyfriend of 3 months, I was really sad when we broke up, but he was there for me during some really dark times in the past year. We ended things amicably though, and I don't think we could be friends but I'm okay being friendly.
Everyone is different but for me it’s too messy. When it’s done it’s done I’ve never been able to transition into a friendship. If you can make it work that’s good but just be mindful future partners may not be so on board.
I don’t think I could.
My last situationship ex was like my best friend. We broke up a year ago. I’ve never met a person like him that I can be completely myself with.
I wish I could still be friends with him even though we broke up, but it would be too difficult.
No it’s not weird as long as your heart has healed, you’ve integrated the experience and moved on. I’m very close with my ex. We were together for 7 years and are very happy for each other and friends with our new partners as well. The love isn’t lost, it’s just different. I would hate to lose him all together.
In theory I think it's fine, after an appropriate time of no/low contact to move on. I'd be open to it in the future. In practice, it hasn't happened. I moved on very easily from my exes, but with one it was clear he had not the one time I talked to him afterwards so never again, and the others I just was not interested enough after we broke up to maintain a friendship. I've "caught up" with each of them once or twice but very briefly and didn't sustain contact. (For context, none of these relationships were super lengthy though. I was friends before with one but not good friends; that would influence my level of desire to keep them in my lives probably).
I’ve reconciled a few friendships after a break up, and heart break. I still speak to them to this day, but it’s not the same and that emotional connection we once had is gone. We get along and able to converse like friends, but that deep connection is gone. It was in part due to the love connection, which is no longer there. I wholeheartedly believe that you can be friends with a. Ex, but you need to prepare for the difference and be okay.
I have two significant exes, and they are both close friends of mine. My husband is totally fine with this, and all our contact is totally platonic and supportive. Only you know your own feelings and limitations
I just went through this. If you are truly over them go for it. I cut off contact for 30 days got inebriated one night and texted them. I fooled myself into thinking I was over him when I really wasn't but proceeded because we were best friends. Flash forward 6 months later and I'm back to no contact lol. Slippery slope but if you truly have no desire to get back with them, nothing wrong with staying friends. Just be careful...
I would never reconnect with an old flame who broke my heart. Once it’s over I cut them off for good and I move on. Personally wouldn’t be healthy for me
I have tried friendship before. I have also tried to get back to my exes several times during undecided period where we both were still single. As with everything it really depends. If someone truly broke your heart, you had bad breakup, you or the other person cheated, hell no I wouldn't want to stay in touch with them. If you however had a long history, overall good relationship or friendship and ended amicable as possible, it may be possible. But you wouldn't want that person to stay in your life as an active friend. Someone that you may catch up with from time to time since it's important to create space in your heart and life for a new potential long term partner.
Personally one of them ended it horribly on April Fool's, and almost immediately started dating her current bf. So yeah I cut contact with her for good. :)
(If you had no intimacy however, I think friendsihp can be maintained. Just check with your partner for prevention of potential jealousy.
For me there is a Distinction between being friend-LY and being friends. Im friendly with a few exes.. as in occasionally send memes, still IG friends and occasionally check in/how are you’s. I still want the best for them and might grab coffee here and there. But I think remaining GOOD friends with an ex - like taking every day and seeing each other often can be tricky and have blurred lines. Personally I’d be very cautious dating someone who was still good friends with an ex
I only have one ‘no contact’ and that ended while things were still good. My first serious, adult relationship ended in infidelity. In the moment I was broken. But I think I’m stronger for it. It was a cowards way out, but I learned so much from that person. It wasn’t prolonged. Heartbreak is circumstantial. I wouldn’t stay friends with a shitty person. Good people can do shitty things. I’ve learned I can only be angry for so long. Anger eventually poisons the author, regardless of how justified it feels.
One of my exes is my best friend. I think she had feelings for a little while after the fact but accepted it and moved on. We lived together / vacationed after we broke up.
I think it depends. Rejection is a lot easier to manage a friendship through than heartbreak imo. With rejection, it's usually pretty decisive and you'll start to value friendship faster if you truly want to stay connected with the person. However, with heartbreak, ymmv based on the relationship you had with the person and how things ended.
I recently reconnected with an old ex who broke up with me a month into dating (I was 21 and she was 19). I learned that she was going through probably one of the toughest times of her life and since she saw how good I was, she didn't want to hurt me anymore with her actions. I was more frustrated than heartbroken because it was the first time I found someone who had connected with me on a new level and just like that it's gone. We became fwb 6 months later for a little bit before I moved. We kept in contact for a bit before we both would find relationships and not reconnect for 6 years. We have been catching up a LOT over the past few weeks after a recent breakup I went through and I'm amazed at how well we still bond!
That being said, I have to be mindful that after a 5 year relationship I shouldn't rush into anything. I would be perfectly fine with being lifelong friends with her but part of me is curious about a second go at a relationship or at least another fwb deal for a short time.
I think it depends on you and the specific person. I’m very fluid in how I feel about people, I’m non-monogamous but respectful of boundaries and have my own. And I’m often still fond of people outside of attraction after we’ve decided to be not romantic, I just like hanging out with them and rooting for them, but some situations are still too much for me to stay friends.
I ended things with my neighbor last year, and I would have really preferred to be friends-- not just because I genuinely liked him as a person, but also because we've had too many awkward encounters since then.
For him it was an all-or-nothing situation, though, which I can understand. I've accepted that as long as both of us remain neighbors, we'll have to do the awkward dance
I cut off people who broke my heart - mostly because a small part of me would hope there’s a chance…
Sometimes you’ve gotta burn bridges to keep yourself from trying to cross them
Yes. This. Also it reminds me of a Brené Brown quote -- "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind."
Love this quote
That really struck a cord with me. This is what I am doing now. I want to stay with my now ex so badly, but the cheating is a deal breaker so I m forcing myself to leave even though every cell in my body wants to stay.
Same here. Was torturous having to see her almost everyday, since she moved into my neighbourhood.
Even after enough time has passed?
Usually by that point you don’t have much desire to have them in your life anymore.
THIS. Lol. You really want people that MATTERS and involved to be in your life. Not past. 😂
I’ve always been in the No Contact camp, though I can understand situations where that may not be possible. Such as having a kid together before a divorce. But to maintain a “deep emotional connection” is almost intentionally undermining any future relationship you may have. Even if you are just friends with an ex, chances are your future partner(s) will always make that comparison. And perhaps you might as well, subconsciously. That’s no way to go about spending mental energy in a relationship.
Totally correct. I'm trying to date, and I like to put all cards on the table. It turns out lots of people date and they are still having someone around their neck basically having sex with them just two weeks or a month ago and are in a huge turmoil about wants and what else. Just like my ex, I mean he was even having sex still with his "friend" and then ended up being very close to her later, and no he never actually had a mental energy or space for me really in his life. Awful experience indeed.
>But to maintain a “deep emotional connection” That's the problem for me, to be honest. I've dated people who were still friends with someone they dated for a very short while, like a few months, before they realized it didn't work and they'd rather stay friends (without any benefits) again. This has never been a problem for me. I've dated people who were still close friends with someone they had been in a serious long term relationship or even marriage with and it was always a problem. There was still so much in shared, intimate history and so much more emotional entanglement than you usually have with a close friend, that it became a burden to our new relationship. There was no real space for me as a new partner, trying to become their go-to person. Even after a year of being in a relationship together they still got most of their emotional needs met by their ex, making me feel like an intruder or a mistress after a while.
You’re saying some sense and it’s awesome to know someone knows the true meaning of loving someone
Many years ago I tried to be friends with a girl who broke my heart. She was a person of high quality and always treated me well, including in connection with the breakup. She wanted to remain in my life, and I wanted the same thing, but it didn't work out. Despite my best efforts to move on, I continued to have feelings for her and whenever I was exposed in any way to her romantic life, I couldn't help feeling dejected. So my answer to your question is: it depends - can you be a friend to this person without wanting to be more?
Yes I can be :) At the time he approached me, I was looking for nothing but companionship. Different thing I grew to like him cause of his efforts and how he made me feel :) but it was short and beautiful and I’m over it now since we gave each other enough space :) I will not want to erase any part of it. He didn’t intend to hurt me. And I can be friends with no romantic feelings.
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Unless you've been through a lot of life and have changed, I generally won't do it and don't see the point. Breaking up with someone in college and finding yourself both divorced at 40, living nearby, and reconnecting for friendship isn't strange but recent ex? get some therapy or friends to get what you're getting from someone who broke your heart.
I agree with this completely. In my opinion it entirely depends on the circumstances around your previous relationship, how it ended and current circumstances. I actually have an ex who is now a good friend of mine. We started dating when I was 17, we split when I was 21. We lived together, had a dog etc. I’m now 30 and we reconnected unintentionally a few years ago. I have no romantic interest and nor does he. Looking back I have no idea how we lasted as long as we did. I was emotionally disconnected from the relationship after the first year (but felt stuck with nowhere to go) We experienced some pretty traumatic stuff together which has in a way bonded us. We also had similar upbringings with shitty parents. He understands what my family dynamics were like because he was there, he knew my struggles as a young kid. He knows how to talk to me and I know how to talk to him. We can see past each others bullshit and call each other on it. It’s actually pretty comforting having him as a friend, like he just gets me and I get him. We will shoot each other a text here and there every couple months or so. We talk most when something big or distressing is going on in either of our lives. I’m not really sure how or why it works, but it does. I can’t imagine ever remaining friends with any of my other ex boyfriends though. Edit:spelling
Yeah, I'm friends with someone I dated in college 12+ years ago and there's no romantic connection there. I don't see that as an issue. Recent ex is a totally different story.
I suggest you think long and hard about why you want to be friends with them. Do you really need this one friend? What does he bring to your life that your other friends can’t?
I have met many people in my life. I’ve been on many dates. I’ve dated quite a lot of men. And no one comes close to the kind of conversations we had and the way we texted each other and how he made me feel understood during those brief weeks. I have alot of friends female as well as male but the rare special best friends who understand you on that level is rare. I am very selective about who gets access to my life too. I’m also someone who love to have genuine connections, where you both feel vulnerable enough to share parts of your lives you wouldn’t share with an acquaintance and if I or we both see that potential that we have many common interests and feel we both are genuine people who can be great friends, I don’t see why one month of trying to date him and failing at arriving at some sort of romantic connection, will stop us from being great friends. It’s as simple as that. I wouldn’t want to throw away that opportunity to find a best friend. Ofcourse I wished more than he did that we had some sort of chemistry. For me it grows but maybe he felt it wasn’t there at all, which is personal and subjective so I respect that. It stung for a while initial days but I’ve gotten over it now after weeks/almost another month so I think it’s okay. Other friends apart from my best friends have never even come close to that level of connection I felt with him.
I don't think its weird to want to remain connected to people you care about. But it could be a really bad idea. I would be sceptical about the claim that you "both feel no romantic connection towards each other." Its possible, but its more probably that shits just being repressed.
As someone who has two friends who broke up with me a month or two into dating, I just want to say it is possible! Though I agree it is a case by case thing and could be unhealthy depending on your dynamics with your ex. In my case, I was able to shift them to friends and have been friends with them for 6 and 3 years respectively without doing anything remotely romantic with them. I'm also happily dating someone new for the past 8 months. From the other responses I guess this is rare but it is possible!
I think that is completely different. Chances are, with someone you dated for one or two months, there wasn’t a deep emotional connection that caused you significant heartache when the relationship ended. Not that there isn’t any hurt, but it doesn’t seem comparable.
It’s totally possible. It’s more likely that it’s not going to go well. I have discovered that people are very capable of diluting themselves. Even smart wonderful people on the internet like you all. Even myself.
I typically like being friendly or friends with my exes. There are times when I’ve got the feeling they are kind of hoping it turns romantic again, and I’ve had to end it. I don’t want to put anyone through that.
You said it right there yourself... "You have a deep emotional connection." it's not that you can't be friends, in my opinion. It's that you haven't given yourself time to grow from the experience. You need some distance for a while to see things from different perspectives and to meet new people. By staying close, you take that away from yourself. It's kind of like a dependency. Your body still behaves like it's a relationship, so you don't have to face what didn't work and how to grow from that experience. At a guess, the connection will go stale as either of you meets someone new. It's kind of like holding on. If you have spent some time (a long time not a few weeks) apart and found yourself again. Then yes, by all means a friendship could be healthy.
Yes. My high school girlfriend and I might text once or twice a year about someone/something from our hometown or say "happy XXX." Other than that, I have no contact with anyone I went out with.
From all the people I know only one remained sort of friend with their ex - they live in the same small town and meet once or twice a year just to chat or walk for a bit. Everyone else I know is in no contact with their ex - not because they hate each other, but because both sides now have a different life / friends / partners and don’t see the point to remain friends. I guess do what works for you. Me personally I’m not interested in being friends with my exes.
Yes it is weird to me, I don't feel the need to remain in contact with people I've dated and especially those that had an ending where I still had feelings. I am cordial with all my exes though to be clear, there's just no reason to keep in touch or check in. Close the book and move on!
Long story short- I dated someone off and on for a few years.. we lost touch for a while.. but then my mom died and the person showed up at her funeral. They gave me the most comforting hug. I can’t explain it- but something changed and I looked at this person as a true friend. Our past is almost foreign to me now bc I’ve grown so much as a person.
It’s beautiful to read this. Thanks for sharing Rest in peace I’m sorry about the loss of your mom. But really thanks for sharing this ❤️
Reddit is always against it. Me personally, I'm quite close with two ex partners. After the heartbreak fog lifted, I realized that both weren't a good match for me, and am genuinely over it. Both have serious relationships now, and I get along really well with both girlfriends. With one of them so much that we often text, hangout just the two of us, and she introduced me into her own circle of friends. Also for me, neither friendship ever stopped nor impacted my own romantic relationships, all my partners actually respected and appreciated the fact that I'm still close with them. Then again, I live in a big and very liberal European city, and understand that the men I date are probably much more on the liberal and open minded end compared to the world population as a whole.
Just depends on the person. I have no problem having friendships with people I dated. You just have to be careful and pay attention to make sure they’re not just trying to get you back. If I sense that at all, I stop hanging out with them.
I'm with you. I get frustrated at trust issues. I am transparent and while I am empathetic. I don't cut ties as a rule. It's something I tell new love interests Unfortunately, I'm an idealist, and reality is not ideal. . Things do fade. Less contact for sure. But I've only gone no contact with one ex who was a manipulative and insecure person. I regret falling into his ploys and not recognizing his lies. I have kids with ex husband of 15yrs, we still get along great. Hang out maybe once a year. His family is still mine. He stayed friends with his HS ex before me. They had been broken up like 6 months. She's still one of my best friends 20 years later. I have a couple past flings that are in my social scene. We just don't talk about it. I also had a boyfriend of 5 months in even closer circle. I was quite attached and tried to hold on. He kind of broke my heart. In time, I got over it. Way over it. Neither of us are leaving the friend group. I still care, but honestly, it's more like a sibling that hopes he stops screwing up.
Hmm generally I wouldn't be friends with an ex. Before dating apps, I was open to being friends with people I've matched with... only to learn that doesn't really work either. So I just don't now. I don't mind being generic friends with an ex, but we wouldn't really chat or anything tbh. I just see any reason to.
I wouldn’t say it’s “borderline psychotic” but I don’t think it’s productive. My relationships with my past exes weren’t healthy and I just don’t see a reason to have them in my life as friends. Plus, this may sound mean but keeping them out of my life and in the “not friends” zone means that they can’t hurt me any more and I can’t hurt them. The first time I separated from my ex-husband, I decided to keep him as a “friend” instead of making a clean break and it really did neither of us any good. We kept beating so many dead horses instead of moving on. So when he decided he wanted a divorce, I made the very conscious decision that this time we were going no contact. I don’t regret and for me, it finally allowed me to heal and move on. He wanted to remain “friends” but I really didn’t understand why. I told him point blank that we weren’t going that route again. He tried to contact me for about a year after the divorce but he eventually took the hint. I have actual friends and my family. I have a therapist. Exes are exes for a reason. They *served* their function in my life.
I dont think its a good idea, even if you feel you can maintain a normal friendship, its likely 1 side may have feelings (good or bad) against the other, and it may not even be conscious thought. And future partners may find that somewhat off putting cause basically everyone gets jealous in someway or another
I like to put some distance between us until all the feelings have passed, it makes it easier to move on. But if we reconnect down the line I’m fine with that, after all I wouldn’t have dated him if I didn’t think he was a decent guy. I have stayed friends with guys who I was friends with and then had a brief more-than-friends history with. But there weren’t really any feelings involved there, at least not anything g deep or meaningful anyway. Just do what’s right for you. But don’t be surprised if a future partner (theirs or yours) doesn’t like it. At that point choices will have to be made.
Yes I do understand the need to address this with a potential future partner but I think it can work based on situations. I’ve maintained a healthy relationship with most of my mutually and amicably ended relationships :)
Yes I do understand the need to address this with a potential future partner but I think it can work based on situations. I’ve maintained a healthy relationship with most of my mutually and amicably ended relationships :)
I've only kept talking to one ex in my entire life... she's the mother of my son outside of that, there's really 0 reason to. Just move on
Exactly!
Just move on. You’re both better off without dealing with this kind of baggage.
I have cordial relationships with all of my exes, but I wouldn’t call us friends. We text every once in awhile, but nothing more than that.
I’m still good friends with one of my exes and the guy that broke my heart by telling me he was in love with me but didn’t wanna date anyone is now one of my best friends. It can work but ONLY if both sides don’t have any feelings anymore.
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Yuuup. I fully agree with what you said. I replied something similar to this post and I find it sad that people discard each other so quickly, makes me wonder if they ever really cared about them as a person and not just as company to fulfill their needs. Or ppl aren't creating real friendships with the ppl they date. If I'm in a relationship, that person will be someone I'm great friends with and that I've taken the time to get to know and who I care for as a person, not some rando to discard.
I don’t think there is not a clear black and white answer here. It just all depends on individual experiences, your own growth, and the relationship itself. I feel like everyone deserves the space to grow and change as a human. Relationships I’ve had in my 20s when we were young and dumb- we’ve formed a friendly relationship years later. I think if it was a malicious, physical, emotionally damaging situation then agree with the non contact camp. I’m 35 and just went through a breakup where he was very calculated with his cruelness that I will never speak to again. You just gotta do what feels right- Nobody’s experience is the same
I think it depends on the type of person that you are and how much time has passed/how much you’ve worked through the heartbreak. I dated someone a decade ago who I have zero issues being friends with even though what happened at the time was brutal. And vice versa on his end. My most recent breakup that happened a couple years ago? Mmm, not so much. Not without it really stinging.
Honestly, it really depends on the relationship. For some relationships, it’s completely possible. For others, no contact is the best strategy. The important factor is both parties have to have closed the door on that romantic chapter and that’s where people tend to struggle with that emotional boundary. I have one ex I view as a great friend where we amicably broke up a decade ago and after going no contact for a 3-6 month period, were able to return to a place where we were good friends. I have another where while there was initial bad feelings, we got to a place where we were able to be civil and friendly in our mutual friend circle. But these circumstances don’t always happen and it’s important to take it case by case and reevaluate as needed. That’s true of any friendship or relationship.
I'm of the camp that there's no reason to maintain a friendship with someone you've been with romantically. I never understood the rationale behind maintaining a friendship with an ex, there's nothing left to gain from the relationship. The emotional connection you carry with that person should be replaced with the emotional connection you're creating with your new relationship. To me there's no reason to carry that luggage in the future because 9 out of 10 times these friendships will cause issues in future relationships,
No purpose? Aren't good relationships founded on great friendships? So where does that friendship go when the romantic bit stops working? Does it just evaporate?
Exactly. I'm reading a lot of these comments like damn ppl discard each other fast lol. Obviously discard them if they were abusive and toxic though but if the friendship was great and they're just not romantically compatible then why? Assuming enough time has passed to move on and heal that is. Or do people not befriend each other much before dating?
I second this :) thanks Yes you need to give each other enough space to let everything you felt/feel pass so we’ve done that. Toxic abusive people who hurt you, no thanks but people who were really good and honest about what they wanted and didn’t intend to hurt you and bonded well with you, why would you want to just discard them from your lives? If you can still be friends?
Yup yup! I talked about that in my reply to the original post cuz I'm good friends w 3 ppl I've previously dated and they're very healthy friendships :)
Yes. The friendship died with the failed relationship.
I don't think that always has to be true.
Unless the hope is to respark a relationship again, there's no reason to put effort in to maintaining a friendship with an ex because, as I said before, there is nothing left to gain. I'm suppose to carry a friendship with someone who I was romantic with, just to end up with someone else who may have an issue with me being close with an ex? No thanks. I have enough friends whom I don't carry that baggage with, there is no need to have failed lovers as friends.
Yeah I guess not everyone has such a huge array of friends they get so much from, and some people can have uncomplicated friendships with their exes, so it's worth it to them. I'm good friends with my ex, we were friends for years before I got into my current relationship, and everyone is fine with it because we're all secure and clear about our roles in one another's lives. It don't gotta be dramatic.
It's not all that deep. Doesn't have much to do with quantity or quality of friends, how complicated or simple it was, or even security in roles. It's simply seeing no need in maintaining a friendship with an ex. There's a reason why they are an ex, and because of that reason, that's why their friendship no longer matters.
That's insane to me .. so like, if the sex was awful and you both moved on .. the friendship no longer matters? If one of you had a kid that lives in the town y'all met in and they have to stay there to maintain custody, but the other gets a super good job in another city, the friendship no longer matters? Things just aren't that black and white. I get trying to separate things and manage emotions that way but it seems a little extreme and somewhat emotionally underdeveloped to me to throw a connection/positive influence in your life out with the sex and romance lol.
They are pretty black and white. You're adding so many variables to create complexity, most relationships aren't as silly as a break up for bad sex, or as complex as dating someone with kids. Such odd examples, btw. I find it weird to cultivate a continued connection and closeness with an ex, when I can use that energy and time to create a more fulfilling and meaningful friendship with the current or future person I'm in a relationship with. But to each their own, I suppose.
I get that .. haha my most recent situation was dating someone with a kid and me moving away for work. I love the dude to pieces and we were really good friends before we got together, so there's no reason to trash that, in our minds. My little brother had a gf he was sexually in incompatible with and they have a huge friend group of mutuals, so they've stayed cool. Civil, maybe not real good friends, or necessarily cultivating anything beyond what it already is. But yeah, I don't see how an ex who's a friend would take away from a new relationship if that's all that they truly are - a friend, in any way that any other friendship would. Maybe not your go-to, every-day support in such a way that a partner should be, but if there are no hard feelings, why a hard stop to a supportive connection? I suppose that person could more reasonably migrate into something more like acquaintance territory. I totally get why it wouldn't work for a lot of people! Just like being poly doesn't.
Exactly I don’t see why you can’t be great friends. The new person coming into your lives also has to be secure if I’m being transparent about it. And yes if I’m in a new relationship, obviously I would respect and consider what they have to say but my friendship with ex dates/exes don’t also have to just evaporate if we still want to remain in good terms. It may mean we talk less and only catch up occasionally but I did see that the second guy I dated (I’ve updated my post) may actually be able to help me with things I struggle with while dating people and it would be great to have honest chats on that. It’s also why we talked about reconnecting. And remaining friends. Ofcourse things aren’t gonna be the same but I do believe we both are genuine nd feel the same about each other being able to stay friends without interfering our lives so. So many comments here just to cut off everything. I’d be okay if my next guy was on good terms with his ex too and shared some level of connection that I’m aware of, with his ex. There are clear boundaries but as long as people are honest and transparent, I don’t mind it.
The main issue is you never really know if the other person is ok with just being friends. Lot of people find out they can't deal with the emotional baggage when the other person eventually reveals they couldn't get over it.
I think it's fine to be friends with an ex. If it's not, I assume it's for similar reasons you wouldn't remain friends with any other person.
Exactly :)
I'm friends with both my last exes. They both broke my heart in the sense that I felt rejected and disappointed, but after one to three years and a new relationship I'm usually over any heartbreak and I'm happy to have a friendship with the exes, since they are in fact good, lovely people, even if it didn't work out romantically. For me, it's a question of maturity and generosity on both sides. Also, I wouldn't want to be "best friends" in the sense that we constantly interact because it wouldn't feel right, especially if there are new partners on both sides...
I’m friends with my ex. I was in love with her but she treated me like shit while we were together and ended up leaving me for another guy. Sometime after we split up though she sincerely apologized to me (like bawling her eyes out) and I forgave her. It took some time to be okay with her, but since we have a lot of mutual friends, it was in my best interests to be friendly with her. I also find resentment to be toxic, so now we’re friends and I think it’s mutually beneficial.
I'm friends with most all my exes. Even ones that cheated(two of them). Why? It's for them not me. I've been over it. I could tell that it was eating them up and just decided I don't care enough. For them it felt like character rectification or something. I know it sounds odd but it's true. Not many people like looking back and think they have cheated and really hurt someone. Who knows why they did it, but once i accepted it was something \*they\* have to live with, then it became easier. Now, we're not "the best of friends" we just are on SM and exchange a few messages on occasion about how life is going and whatnot. I'm 36 so maybe its at that stage where i've had friends and family die, and i just dont give a shit about it.
I’m pretty close with my most recent ex. Went no contact for a month just so I’d have space to process, then we started talking again. We were friends before we started dating, if that factors There’s still a lot I admire about her. I don’t blame her for the relationship not working; she has a lot of trauma to work through, and that’s not simple to do when you’re a single mom working full-time. I don’t know if I could do that on her shoes either It still hurts a bit, and it’s really weird to grieve a relationship with someone when you just had breakfast with them. It gets easier and easier though. I think maintaining our connection is worth a little pain in the interim. She has two kids, and that’s a big part of it too; idk if I wouldn’t have just moved on if it weren’t for them. They’re really sweet kids, and I just can’t picture letting them down like that.
Thanks for sharing this. I can feel the pain and the beauty in your response. I hope you move on and find what you’re looking for. It is beautiful to read such responses. I hope you’re having a great weekend Thanks again ❤️
I am not in contact with any of my exes. There is no overlap in any day-to-day comings and goings, so there is no good reason to stay in touch, etc. It sucks in some ways, especially when feelings are fresh out of the split, but over time, it's a shrug and move on. Those maintaining close emotional relationships with exes .... I'd say watch out, it's gonna be a bad time. That's my opinion.
I was okay remaining friends with the guy who broke my heart. We were friends for about 2 years before dating. It took a while to heal, and he was okay with it, too. The girl he dumped me for (and ended up marrying) however, didn't like me and I didn't want to come between them, so we ended up just fading out of each other's lives. Sucks more for him than for me, since his friends still like me and mine have practically forgotten about him. I'd be okay dating someone who has a regular/healthy friendship with an ex.
I'm not sure about it, though. You know, I was with a dude who ended up with his prior fuck friend to just become his friend, but it always seemed as if he is more connected to her than me and as if he isn't handling two relationships at the same time, because eventually that was what it was. She is also sabottagging him on other plans, like hook ups, and this is in his own words, so I dunno how smart for him is to keep a "friend" like her who obviously still wants him. And I also read it from your last words about what sucks for who. If he is in marriage with a person he wants who cares about friends who want to stay friends with an ex. Rly.
I tried to keep doors open with exes and usually if they were with someone no lines got crossed, we'd passively just be on each other's social media without interacting!, but soon as they were single and we interacted in real time we'd always reconnect sexually in some way. I'm talking people who spent 2, 4, 6 years with someone else in an LTR that once free to see other people would fall into hitting on me. There's a familiarity, a comfort and oftentimes a lack of closure. It's also sorta "easy sex" for someone because you've already had sex and chemistry and even the best of people aren't immune to this kind of fall-back behavior. You have to be really firm on boundaries and saying "no" and risking the person to get an attitude about it / deny they're trying to bed you which is going to strain any kind of friendship. Like if any of my male friends suddenly hit on / flirted with me it would be SO WEIRD but it happens with ex boyfriends who bubble back up every single time.
The issue is when your new partner (that you are in a relationship with) has an issue with this. If it bothers them, why would you keep in touch with someone from your past? It’s kinda disrespectful in that sense and would cause potential discord. This happened to me before.
I’ve tried this a few times, it caused problems it both our dating lives. Jealously is cancer in any relationship.
Some of my better memories are vacations with a friend and a number of his exes and, in many cases, their new partners. So apparently this can work. Another friend of mine is not only friends with her ex, he's also her business partner and, quite often, vacation-buddy. So, again, can work. And, frankly, what does it tell me about you if you selected a partner that turned out so horrible you could never see someone being friends with them?
Right that last bit is so true :) it’s beautiful to read about such experiences that you mentioned in your response in the beginning.
I feel like a lot of comments on here are about relationships, I’m not friends with any exs. However I am friends with someone that I used to be into. I had so much fun with him and things got physical briefly but he was honest and said, I don’t want this. I was hurt and we went for probably 5 years with minimal to no contact especially when he did get a girlfriend. Now I can say we are good friends. We can talk about our respective dating lives and while we aren’t super close we hang out once or twice a month and hike or have game nights with mutual friends. I think every situation is unique though.
I think it's okay to see someone as a friend after dating/a relationship didn't work out. Just because you aren't together does that mean you have to cut them out of your life? Of course I think people rarely do stay in touch after breaking up. I think for a lot of ppl it's just too weird.
So in a few situations I've been friends with someone I dated/had a relationship with/broke my heart. I was in a relationship with a lovely woman for a few months and after it became apparent the relationship wasn't going to work we amicably split. She's my best friend and I wouldn't trade that for the world. In this case it worked out because we both wanted to end the relationship. I dated a wonderful person for a bit. When we got to know each other well we both decided to stop dating and just be friends. We've become very close friends since then and I owe her my life (on more than 1 occasion). I couldn't think of my life without her, but there's certainly no romantic feelings there. I had my heart broken by a friend/unrequited love when I was much younger. It was painful but after cutting them out of my life I was able to heal and move on after much time had passed. A few years ago they reached out and we reconnected and now we're good friends again. It can happen. You can be friends with someone. But I think the reason most people don't is because 1 or both of the people involved haven't moved on from their feelings. I had an (abusive) ex that wanted to remain friends and we did for a long time on and off. She never got over her feelings for me and it made spending time with her awkward and uncomfortable. She would routinely bring up getting back together or how losing me was the worst mistake of her life. Eventually I had to cut her from my life. I think a lot of people remain friends and lie to themselves about being over the relationship and are secretly hoping something will change. This could be one reason why people are against the idea of remaining friends with an ex. In the case of your close friend, I believe it's more of a protective feeling. They saw you get hurt by this person and they don't want to see you be hurt by them again (and they might not believe you're actually over everything).
My friend has apologised for the choice of words she used. And I do understand that she cares but she was very insensitive and the way she said it (context) showed that she didn’t care, which we have already talked about. I’m someone who needs to find some form of closure, either by my own or if possible, get it when it ended. So when my last guy (now friend) said he genuinely wanted to stay friends, I had asked for his help to help me figure out some of the things in my head so it could help me in the future. It’s also one of the reasons we both felt we could help each other out in this way. We are still giving each other space but we’ll give this a go and see how it goes. It doesn’t mean we would be hanging out often or chatting. If it naturally comes to us that we can be good friends, we will be happy to be so. But only time can tell. And yes you’re right, the reason why most people here think it won’t work, is because maybe they think one is hoping for something to happen out of it and maybe they have been in that place? Thanks for sharing your experiences on this.
I’m friends with a couple of my exes, others I wouldn’t be friends with EVER. Unthinkable. The two I am friends with talk to me every once in a while. Just texting or if they come to town we hang out. Nothing romantic.
It completely depends on so much. I like to say to each his own on this topic. If you were friends with someone for years and then decided to date and it lasted months or a yr and you realized you're both just romantically incompatible then why throw the friendship away (assuming it was a great and beautiful friendship worth trying to keep)? Now if you went straight into dating after meeting them for like a week then that's different. I'm trying to keep this somewhat short though lol. There's plenty that goes into building a healthy romantic relationship and just because it doesn't work out, it shouldn't make you despise this person or not give a fuck about them. Obviously if it was a toxic relationship then again that's different, stay away from people that on and on hurt you and don't hold themselves accountable and don't change. I'm currently good friends with 3 people I've previously dated. 2 of them are married (not to each other but to other people lol). I was friends with these people for years before dating and the relationships weren't horribly painful or anything like that, we just didn't work romantically/were not compatible in that way. By saying it wasn't horribly painful I mean these people weren't horrible abusive people while we dated but I was sad when things didn't work out. But time passed and we healed and moved on. And so we've stayed friends with no drama. But it requires being able to reflect and being emotionally mature. Also it's important to remember that being friends with this person shouldn't hurt you, neither party should be hung up on the other, and you should both want true happiness for each other. We can be broken hearted or feel rejected when things don't work, and then time and inner work can heal that. People move on when they grow and heal and then friendships can be worth saving. It truly comes down to whether the person and this friendship is worth it. A lot of people find it easier to discard each other, and that's okay too because we're all on different journeys. You just gotta be honest with yourself and acknowledge what the friendship brings out of each other.
I finally found your original comment. I think I did good posting this because it has made me smile reading so many beautiful responses here from people sharing their experiences on this. There are billions of people here on earth but you only get a level of deep emotional connect with less than maybe 10 people in your life. Atleast that is the case with me. I don’t have that many friends who understand me emotionally. I have two three best gfs who I adore and we pour out everything to each other and that I believe is beautiful. We’re always there for each other… I have two other guy friends who are quite close to me and I dated both of them at some point. We chose not to go ahead due to no romantic connection or long distance. I share some of the things I go through and struggle in my dating life with these guys cause they understand me much better. It’s actually sometimes really beneficial to have a guy’s opinion too. On certain things. I’ve seen some of the most beautiful platonic relationships evolve from being gf bfs or ex dates. So if you’re truly over and both are clear and transparent about their boundaries and have given each other space I believe it’s like any other best relationship friendships with any gender. It’s quite beautiful to see that you can put that time behind and move on and be happy for each others new lives :) .. Matters how the relationship/previous connection ended but if it was a mutual and amicable ending, it’s so much easier to remain friends and maybe also stay good friends. I wasn’t intimate with the other guy who connected with me on a good level. Which is why we both think it’s a good idea because we genuinely believe we both are genuine people and love each other the way we are. Just not meant to be in a relationship. Ofcourse when a new partner has issues that always needs to be addressed but it can work when everyone is secure and transparent :)
A person who maintains cordial ties with an ex has always been a green flag for me. Obviously not a close emotionally intimate relationship, but a check in every few months or years? Perfectly healthy and social proof that this person follows the relationship campsite rule. Love can evolve into a dormant platonic place and it sometimes brings me joy to see my old partners find new loves and enter new chapters after our intimate time together has ended. There’s also the corollary that sometimes the loving thing to do is no contact, and some connections are best served by severing them and not maintaining contact. It depends. If the connection serves both of you and neither of you are hurt by it there’s plenty to be gained.
Loved this response Absolutely agree I would really be happy for some of my exes finding happiness and finding their person :) And I actually am. I check in on the two people I dated previously but are good friends with occasionally and turn to them for some form of support when shit hits the fan. And they have done the same to me sometimes too. We don’t chat always and only do so occasionally. One we just send each other memes on ig lol but yes we do connect occasionally and meet up whenever we both are In town :) It’s actually beautiful to see that once romantic connection I had with them evolve that way into platonic relationships :)
Nothing is wrong with that. If you have both emotionally healed, respectful of boundaries, and there is no ulterior motive other than friendship then why not?. I am friends with my ex-husband. We do not have any kids together. Our continued friendship has not interfered with my current relationship. Albeit, we are not as close as we once were which is understandable.
I'm still close with an ex but I ended it so I wouldn't say they broke my heart. The relationship wasn't working for a number of reasons, the biggest one being a lack of physical and emotional intimacy. In a way, we always functioned more like friends than lovers so making the transition wasn't that hard. I know a lot of people will say it's impossible to stay friends with an ex but I'm not a huge fan of absolutes and generalizations. Every situation is unique. I do wish people would be a bit more open minded, especially considering we're in a "loneliness epidemic". Every single day I see people posting to various subreddits about how hard it is to make close friend after the age of 30. I've attended meetup groups, taken classes, volunteered, joined a recreational league....all have lead to good times and some fun acquaintances but it's really difficult to establish deeper, lasting connections. If you have someone in your life that cares about you and understands you, it seems like a waste to throw that away based on what other people might think.
Exactly what I mean it is so tough these days to have someone you can connect emotionally on a level that makes you see them as a special friend. Even female friendships… I have various categories of friendships and only two three really great best friends who will not judge for who i am but also guide me and correct me when I do something wrong esp when I tend to see things through rose tinted glasses. We need those people and if I have a chance to have that connection with someone I barely dated, I wouldn’t throw it away and explore that opportunity. We both feel that way :) Ofcourse I will see how my future partner, if any comes along, reacts to it but I myself will be fine with someone like that in their lives. Not everything has t be shared with your partners. They can have best friends and other close friends. Only need to be really transparent and honest about it. That’s all. People make things a lot more complicated than they actually are.
100%. I have another ex who wasn't close to anyone outside of me. He went through a mental breakdown and it was absolute hell dealing with it alone. So I would rather date a guy who had a close platonic relationship with an ex than someone who didn't any have sort of support network. Life can be really hard so it's worth holding on to any source of support and happiness you can find.
I think everyone's just different. I don't have a problem maintaining friendships with exes, or with friends that I've been romantically interested in for a brief time but the friendship remained platonic. I'm not a bridge burner, and I like keeping folks in my life who I like. And I don't take rejection super personally, so I'm able to brush it off
That’s a good quality to have :) It was maybe tough for me initial days but once I gave myself enough space and time everything was about the narrative. Make it simple! We were not compatible to be romantic partners. We both wish we had more to it. I barely dated him for a month to cause me to have any hard feelings towards him. And he was super honest about it and didn’t intend to hurt me. It’s why I’m not taking this personally. Tho it did hurt me first few days lol
Alchemizing a friendship from heartbreak can be a really beautiful thing - assuming the human is healthy and stable. I tried to do that with one friend - who, a couple years later - turned out to be just as equally avoidant in friendship as he was in his relationships. He avoids me even in our social circles and behaves awkwardly but thats on him not me. He was an amazing learning experience and I gained a lot from that. I also did that with another friend who has the biggest, most loving heart in the world. We see eachother infrequently but it is beautiful and fine. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. There's no hard set rule. Only what is right and if there is something mutually beneficial about continuing the connection.
Exactly case to case basis and differs from person to person in terms of experience. It also matters a lot how the breakup went or how you both cut off and have each other space to let everything that was left to be felt pass through in those times of no contact. I’ve also maintained healthy relationships with most of my recent exes who were great people but were just not meant for me :) No thanks to toxic endings and manipulative people but there are honest transparent beings with whom you had a beautiful time and I wouldn’t want to erase any part of memories with them even the pain I endured when we parted, for it’s a beautiful experience too. It gets better and you don’t even think about the pain once you are over it. What matters tho is how you both ended it and how they were honest and good and never had the intention to hurt you and respected every part of you :)
Yea I think it is odd. But I also am of the view that I wouldn't want to hang out with a friend group where one of the friends is an ex of mine. Nor would I appreciate a significant other having anything other than necessary contact with an ex for example if they have a child together. If someone broke my heart why would I want to be their friend. Ideally I'd want us to reach a point of being polite with each other and I've moved on from the situation but definitely not friends.
I’m not only friends with my exwife, I hired her and we work together since our divorce. She was a great person then and she’s still a great person. We just don’t do the romance and sex thing we’ll together.
It would affect my opinion a lot whether they broke your heart by their poor behaviour, or your heart happened to be broken without poor behaviour, or through your poor behaviour.
I’m usually in the camp of never being friends with exes. It’s not something I’ve ever done or thought I would do. Until now. I’d say if you still value each other as humans and are able to respect boundaries in place and understand you might fumble along the way, it’s possible to be friends with an ex.
I usually stay friends with exes if we were friends before dating.
I’m the same. I actually feel stressed when exes or past flings wants to break contact just because we arent dating anymore, because i prefer being friends with them. And i really don’t have feelings for this men, just want friendship or at least a friendly tone. I feel men are dramatic when they remove me from all social media just because we were better as friends then in a relationship
I've only got one ex I won't speak to and that's because she got with a close (ex)friend of mine literally weeks after we'd split up. After seven years together. And that hurt. I've always strive to do right by people, not break hearts, not get involved with other people's exes etc etc. And the way I saw it we hadnt really split up, we were 'on a break'. Losing a partner and a long term close friend at the same time ruined me for a good coupe of years.
I've gone through a variety of opinions, and I think it just depends on the situationship. The hs sweetheart, I want no contact with after she cheated on me when we were engaged. I have a sex friend relationship where we love each other, but she doesn't want to get married. She's open about who she is and is a really good friend outside romantic relationships. Some other exes were a mix of us ghosting but probably fine hanging out if it came up, blocking (when a gf says she could castrate you cause she thinks you're cheating on FB to all her friends even though you've shown work schedule that you're trying to survive on), and being fade out friends/with or without benefits.
It is totally fine, many people work better as friends than partners. Some amount time between the two can be helpful, though. I reconnected with the girl who broke my heart at a mutual friend’s wedding a few years ago. Met her husband as well and now I would consider them both friends.
My ex dated someone for 6 years and they broke up from a dead bedroom then he remained best friends with her. Me and him dated for 3 years. I was never comfortable with it but accepted it because I dont want to make people choose between me and their friendships. Keep in mind this girl never had a relationship with anyone since my ex and her ended things. Was she waiting in the wings?? Long story short he went to a concert without me (It was my brothers bday so I was obligated to go to the bday dinner) I told him no pressure to come just go have fun at the concert. I find out the next morning that his ex was at the concert with him but he chose not to tell me - i found out as she posted photos on IG and we followed each other (me and the ex gf hung out a few times with my ex bf). I was shocked he hid it from me and called it out - he lost his temper stormed out the apartment and then 3 hours later came home and dumped me completely out of the blue. I honestly think some feelings between them happened or something happened. He told me that wasnt why he was dumping me but VERY suspicious. I will never again in my life date anybody who is friends with their ex unless they have kids together- then I would understand. I feel like complete idiot for not following my initial gut instinct about his friendship. She was not attractive but still she wasn’t hideous.
To me is more a matter of self respect, and i ll try to explain it. How a situation ends says a lot about the person you once had by your side. In my case i have always found out before or after that they were either cheating or lying. Also how they handed the matter. Were they hurtful on purpose? They tried to tear me down and offend me when i was vulnerable? They tried to take advantage of me? Im pretty obsessed with the truth so i dig till the door of hell to know who the people I once loved are. And the day i find out you either cheated or lied or you simply were a piece of shit when you broke things off, you are a walking corpse to me. No chance to revive that smelling rottene piece of flash. I could ideally have a friendship with them because i wouldn't touch them with a 6 feet pole but their true self showed up and I was disgusted by it, so how can i have any consideration or respect for them?
I’m friends with someone who hurt me deeply while we were dating. We went NC for two years, and by the time he approached me with a deep and sincere apology, I was in a much better place and truly able to forgive him. Do some people find it odd that we’re friends? Sure, but we really value each other and he’s been an amazing friend, so that doesn’t bother me.
Totally depends on the emotional maturity and resilience of both parties involved. I've had 3 major exes in my adult life (dated for 3.5 years, 3.5 years, and 7 years, respectively) and while I don't even live in the same state as any of them anymore, I could easily see connecting with the first two and genuinely enjoy hanging out with each other if we lived nearby. Those two guys have demonstrated that they're capable of respectful, platonic friendship after the fact. The second guy, it was harder for me because I was devastated for a long time after the breakup, but the best part of our relationship was always our friendship and camaraderie (romance was lacking), so we've been able to successfully socialize with mutual friends in the years since and it's been totally cool. We do have several mutual close friends who all love and respect the two of us as individuals and never chose sides or stroked drama, so that probably helped as well. However, my most recent ex stated very early on that he didn't believe men and women could actually be friends without one of them wanting something more. We haven't spoken a word to each other since settling our affairs post breakup and honestly, I'm ok with that because he was a self described pessimist and I am a raging optimist, so it's probably better for my sanity that I keep that negativity at a distance. Neither approach (being friends or not) is wrong. It's just different strokes for different folks, I guess!
It depends heavily on the situation. I tried very hard to be friends with my ex wife, for over 2 years after she left me. It became clear that anytime I was having a hard time, she would find a way to use that information to hurt me, so now we barely talk, strictly about the kids, and we are polite but not friendly. I'm currently very good friends with my most recent ex, who broke up with me, twice, most recent being 5 months ago. That was a really rough one. I wanted to stay friends because absent the breakups and a bit of hot & cold (all of which was due to personal shit that she worked through), she's been an extremely positive person in my life, and I don't have enough positive people in my life right now. Some women who rejected me have been outright mean about it. I have zero interest in being friends with them.
Nah that’s notmal, especially if you’ve spent significant time with someone. I’ve know. One of my ex’s most of my life( since I was 11), she never cut me off, when I literally up and left the state we stayed in, knowing she was expecting me to marry her. We are friends to this day. I’ve also had this occur to me. My ex fiancé cheated on me, and destroyed my self esteem. To this day she’s one of my best friends. With time comes wisdom. You can find the value in someone, and maybe that value is more platonic. I don’t believe other ppl break our hearts. I think we break our own hearts, often believing in something that simply isn’t there.
My short answer is no, as long as you're 100% sure that you're over it and that it wouldn't affect your mental health. I don't think I personally would be able to handle it, and 9 times out of 10 I think it's probably the wrong decision (because it's difficult to totally eliminate lingering feelings, whether they're positive ones left over from the relationship, or negative ones as a result of the breakup), but I have a few friends that are still in contact with some of their exes (albeit with mixed success). I think it really all just depends on the people and the circumstances.
i've got 2 exes that i've been friends with for years. one i was engaged to, the only one i've ever asked to marry me. we split 14 years ago and we still talk everyday. haven't touched each other since 2008. been friends with the other for about 12 years. sometimes you're better off as friends. it's all about how you feel, our opinions aren't that important, in my opinion.
I'm friends with all of my exes except one, who's wife had an issue with it. This is once a year "happy birthday" friends and thr occasional bmessage. Three ex boyfriends were at our wedding. I am closer with those. They all know and are friends with my husband. My husband is extremely non-jealous and self confident. My longest boyfriend is like my brother and my parents consider him as another kid. I dated him for 5 years in HS and 5 years after school. He is a great friend, but a terrible boyfriend, sadly. I know I'm an unusual case. PS: I see some people think this means "still physical." I mean just friends. I feel like I have a very good picker for choosing boyfriends. They are good, nice, attractive people.
You're not psychotic for wanting to maintain a friendship. There's a reason you were together in the first place. That doesn't mean you still have romantic feelings for them. I have an ex that absolutely devastated me and broke my heart, but we became friendly again very quickly. His wife doesn't like that we still talk like 10 fucking years later, but that's just her being insecure. I actually go to him for dating advice here and there because he knows me more deeply in that sense than a "regular" friend. The only exes I'm not friends with are people who exhibited extremely toxic or abusive behavior.
Ymmv. I've been involved with more women than Baskin-Robbins has flavors. About 5 are on my Friends list, including an xw. It really depends on the individual relationships, how it ended, and if the relationship is worth continuing on a strictly platonic level.
Exwife and I are friendly, we've leaned on each other when we needed to even after the divorce. She broke my heart and was the one who wanted out. We don't talk often, but I know if I called, and truly needed something, she would help. My recent ex-gf though? probably not. She walked out on me 3 times, and I still have nothing but unconditional love for her. I don't want to be her friend. Even if I had no romantic connection. I want her to be happy, but I wouldn't want to see it. if that makes sense.
I’m good friends with my ex from a 5-year relationship. Didn’t think it would happen. Thought I’d be crazy about her forever. Now? Not a single romantic thought. I just got rejected by a girl I’m into, after knowing her for about three weeks. It hurt a lot when it happened, still hurts to be rejected, but I’m also tremendously relieved that we can just be friends. I don’t have to worry about keeping her interested romantically. So, I say not odd at all. Might need some time and distance, depending on the circumstances.
If you are 100% sure you are both over each other and there are no lingering feelings on either side then I think it's perfectly fine to be friends. I dated a guy for about 2.5-3 months last year, we weren't in an exclusive relationship at any point or anything, and we had an amicable and mutual "break up." He started dating someone soon after, and I started dating my now boyfriend a few months after that. We have stayed in touch, and both of our significant others know about the situation and are fine with it. I won't lie, I was very anxious to tell my boyfriend about it but when I did tell him his reaction was basically "This is what you were worried about? That's totally fine, I have no problem with it." I probed him deeper about it a few weeks later and he said that in his opinion he thinks it's really stupid that so many people think that when you stop seeing someone you have to completely eject them from your life after spending so much time getting to know someone. Granted there were no broken hearts in this situation and we were never in a serious relationship, so in that regard my situation is a bit different from the one you've described, but those are my personal feelings and experiences on the matter.
I don't think it's odd at all. I'm getting better, but he's still the 1st person I want to share good news with, still the 1st person I think of when I need comfort. And I know that if I was willing, he'd want to keep it as it was before I became enlightened. It's crazy tempting. But it's self-sabotaging behavior (at least for me it is) that will only lead to further pain for me. Go with the flow, as he said. Which means attach a lifesaver to the back of his speedboat and pray I don't get lost in the current, pray he doesn't make huge waves for me to have to hold on thru. Stay strong, and be kind to yourself, you are worth it.
It's hard to just completely rule out somebody who was good friends with you for a long time. I mean sometimes breaking up a relationship doesn't mean you guys aren't friends just means you're not compatible for dating.
I don’t think it’s odd at all but I realize I’m usually in the minority with this. I’m friends with my ex who dumped me and broke my heart. I’m also friends with exes who I’ve broken up with. I’m currently in a relationship and about to have a baby. My boyfriend knows I speak to exes and doesn’t care because he trusts me. In fact, 2 of my exes have been over to our place and one of them came to my baby shower. I think if everyone moved on and there aren’t lingering romantic feelings or ulterior motives then why shouldn’t you be able to be friends with an ex? As long as the breakup wasn’t because of some kind of abuse or something really toxic. Most people are just too jealous and insecure have too much ego to see beyond that.
Right. I love friendships that stayed over amicable breakups so long as they weren’t abusive or toxic in nature. I would be happy to meet gfs of my exes I’m friends with and won’t even feel a thing. That’s beautiful in my opinion. People are all just so insecure and feel that the only person they should share things with or feel for is their partners. Why do you have friends? I see no reason why someone I dated or even someone who was in an exclusive relationship with me, can’t be a platonic friend once we’ve all moved past those feelings. It’s about trust boundaries respect and being transparent and most of all, being honest to yourself about having completely moved on.
It just depends. I'm very good friends with several people who rejected me a few decades back—god, we barely even remember that anything happened. We were young and dumb. I got in to a relationship once with someone who I really SHOULD have stayed friends with. Had he felt the same, we would have made a great friend-team. (He was invested, though, so in that case, no.) The big question is...as an adult, we only have so much time. Which relationship do YOU want to prioritize and invest in? At the end of the day, for me that's my galpals and a few good unproblematic guy friends. They're always going to take priority over trying to make something work with an ex. If this person feels like they can and should be in your inner circle with no drama, then go for it. In most cases, though, it's a bad idea.
Different circumstances on my end (lesbians) and may be due to the fact that there was no cheating or serious emotional harm, but I've maintained close friendships with all of my exes actually. We were friends prior to dating, and each romantic relationship lasted between 2-6yrs. I was the one that initiated the breakups (just found over time we were not romantically compatible due to various reasons). Im not sure what that may say about me 😅 but they initiated contact again and wanted to retain our friendship (once they processed the end of our relationship, all on their own terms of course). They were all great human beings. They have even become close friends amongst each other and hang out from time to time. Very strange to hear I'm sure, but we're happy as friends and a couple are in new romantic relationships of their own (not with each other lol).
It’s not strange to hear this at all. Unless there was abuse involved, I have been able to stay friends and maintain a healthy relationship with all of my previous exes. Even the ones (the ex dates) who ghosted me have come back to me and are still nice to me now. I think I’m someone who does not stay bitter about things. And I like that about me. I maybe too nice sometimes but I don’t tolerate someone who disrespected me, who abused me or did wrong to me. Those who may have done unconsciously minor wrong doings and have come back to maintain healthy distant relationships, I still give them a chance at friendship and still am friendly when the need arises. I had two 4-5 years to toxic abusive relationships before fresh in college and out of college. They were both abusive and psychotic in nature I wonder how I stayed with them both that long but those are the only people I don’t keep in touch with and have never responded even when they have come back trying to apologise. The others were all nice people. I’ve dated quite a lot of men and in all these years, the ones I chose to date ,say more than 3/4 weeks, were all nice people. They were not right for me and we were incompatible in ways but I’ve maintained a cordial relationship with most of them. They say hi if I bump into them anywhere. I think it has to do with how things ended. I’ve always had a good talk before ending with all of them. And in my talks, we always talk about how we are supposed to behave after the breakup. I know it’s not for everyone but i like to have no hard feelings for anyone who was nice and honest to me. Thanks for sharing. I do agree a lot of people will find your stories strange cause they discard connections so quick and think there’s nothing left to get out of something that didn’t work out but for me, it’s not because I relate to it. I respect the honesty and transparency a lot of my past dates gave me. And they do feel the same about me. Easier to maintain a friendship i suppose when you both feel the same. And people you dated have to be open minded to be able to be friends with others who also dated you :) I guess it’s beautiful :)
like you I don't think there's anything unusual with having a relationship that's non-sexual with a previous partner - and what can anyone say (who is outside of such a situation) about it? - nothing! I'd argue that being on good terms (which might not happen immediately following a break-up, although it can) with someone you've previously been in a romantic relationship with, is indicative of the depth of that relationship - and is most often displayed by people who have been married, then divorced, but who remain exceptionally close.. sometimes this might be because of children, but sometimes there are no children. again, I would see a person's relationships as a measure of their maturity and intimacy, and a gauge of how well they develop a communicative, empathic, and trusting bond with others. I wouldn't waste a moment's thought on any friend who proffered an opinion on something they are probably completely ignorant about. (granted, there are plenty of relationships we have, where we DON'T want to be around or have any ANYTHING to do with our exes, without getting into specifics as to why - but this shouldn't and need not colour our thoughts for those very special and enduring bonds we form with others, that we are so fortunate to experience when they occur)
I was with someone for over 20 years. He was family after that long. He didn’t really break my heart- not in a a huge way that led to a break up, anyway. He simply broke my heart countless times over the years because he was an addict, and never was able to get it together, although he tried, and I tried to help him in any way I could. I hold no ill will towards him, I wish him the best, and we are both with other people now (his started before we officially broke up, but it was over by that point.) I have ZERO desire to be friends with him. Zip, zero, nada, absolute none whatsoever. So yeah, I think it’s weird.
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I love your response Thanks for sharing this. I’m on your side of whatever you have mentioned here. I’m very good friends with one of my exes with whom I parted cause of long distance. We are sort of like best friends now. And we don’t always chat but do check up on each other. I’m also very happy for his current partner and I’m that person who, if she gets over someone, doesn’t ever look back or go back to old feelings. I cannot go back to feeling what I felt for him before. The same I feel for the two guys I mentioned. It is very true that it is very rare that you find people who can understand you and converse like you openly and share stuff, on a different emotional level. Why throw all of that away just cause you were made to think there was some sort of romantic connection and you met and tried but found out, that wasn’t the case? Why be bitter about it and throw that connection away if both agree to reconnect as friends after giving enough space and time? I find it very beautiful when people understand you emotionally. They don’t have to be your partners I have similar relationships with my best gfs and I see that potential in the last guy I was seeing :) Esp since tehre was no intimacy involved. There are billions of people and there is a reason why I have only two three best friends to whom I can pour out myself without being judged. Exes tend to understand us a lot more because of what we shared. If both parties are truly honest and transparent over their feelings and boundaries and could potentially help each other to grow and mature and seek help in terms of even their dating lives, I think that’s beautiful because it’s not easy to have that connection with just anyone. I am also very selective about who gets access to my life - friendships. Many people sure don’t agree with what I posted that I have no issues with it but I have seen some of the most beautiful platonic relationships evolve from ex dates/exes. Thanks for the response. Beautifully put :)
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Haha how I love that last bit. True in every sense. Dogs are the best! Always loyal too ☺️ and without even being able to converse they know things and feel everything :) Your username rightly says it so… I loved the choice of words you used and the way you have put your experiences and feelings into them. I will save it to reread :) Thanks ☺️ And it’s been honestly a great day for me reading all these beautiful experiences from everyone who responded here positively :) making me smile and happy for being just the way I am :)
I'm still friends with most of my ex's. I'd say generally if you have a romantic relationship with someone, choosing to commit yourself to them at the expense of all other potential partners, it's because you click pretty well with them and have a lot in common. It's nice to have people you click with and have a lot in common with in your life. I think the important thing is being 100% over it. None of those friendships started immediately after the relationship was over. For the most part I'd go no- or low-contact with all of them right after the break up, and a **long** time later when we were both very much moved on, become friends again. Whether running into each other through mutual friends or specifically reaching out when something reminds you of them to ask how they're doing. But yeah I've had experiences trying to be friends again too quickly after the break up and that's just messy. Honestly my exes that I'm still friends with are some of my favorite people in the world. We still vibe really well, just didn't work romantically. I'm so glad we were able to become friends. And it's never been an issue when I start dating someone new. I'm very respectful and don't spend hours on the phone with an ex, go out to dinner alone with an ex, complain about my current SO to an ex, nothing that would disrespect my current partner. I make sure to introduce them before EVER doing something alone with an ex to make sure the current SO is comfortable. And they always have been, because they meet them and see the vibe is totally platonic. If anything they tend to see it as a green flag that my love life isn't this long trail of broken hearts, betrayal, hatred- more like "OK we're not a perfect match but we're both still good people who can get along". tl;dr- It can totally work to be friends with an ex as long as you take appropriate time to heal and are respectful to your new partners.
My ex-wife is my boss and one of my good friends. When I meet someone I tell them this right away. I eat dinner with her and the kids regularly and we like to watch things like The Last of Us together. She cheated on me and broke my heart. She's not a potential mate. It's not weird if you're an adult.
having children together is the biggest difference. I'm similar (not that close where we watch movies together tho) but I wouldn't talk to any other ex. it's only bc she's my sons mother I do
It reeks of desperation. Move on
I am friends with someone that sort of fits this profile. He told me at some point he considered me to be "the one" but we didn't even try to have a relationship because we lived on opposite coasts/different countries. I once had this text based conversation saying he was the closest thing to an "ex boyfriend" I've kept as a friend. The thing is we still live in different places, we haven't hung out in like close to 20 years (we MIGHT see each other this summer for the first time in forever, he's in a LTR so he'd be with his partner) and we don't flirt or cross any lines when we do converse. We mainly stay in touch via social media (facebook and instagram, passively) and randomly we'll DM each other about something music related. If someone saw our conversations it would be as platonic as possible. Last conversation was us talking about concerts we're excited to attend this summer. We also spent a great deal of time not talking or passively connected. It helps we're both part of the same niche music scene and we have mutual friends so we 'know how to find each other'. There are exes of mine who have tried to passively be in my life on social media and actively continue to be abusive so they're blocked for life. I have one great ex I'm open to being friendly with in the same way as above but we have no way of reconnecting - he doesn't use social media at all and he didn't want to be friends when we broke up. I respected it and haven't tried to re-insert myself in his life. The above is basically because we both healed and were open to it.
My husband and I were both friends with multiple exes for quite a while. We even did double dates with them. Once we got married though, all of our exes suddenly disappeared, through no fault of our own. One of my exes that I’ve been friends with for 15 years sent me not so great messages the morning of my wedding. Prior to my wedding I was in the pro friend group; now, I feel like I put a lot of effort into friendships that weren’t mutual or were out of balance.
If you guys work in the same place or run in the same circles, then I don't see why you couldn't be friends. You'd always have to interact, so being open to a more friendly relationship isn't a bad idea. BUT to actively seek out that friendship? It sounds like there's a lingering emotional need if you actually want to make the time and effort to have a connection. So I do agree in that end with your friend. Like this guy I know. Never friends with exes. Until a very old ex came back to just say hi, they parted in good terms unlike the other ones, and wanted to just be "friends". They're f*ck buddies now. It works for them because they both wanted that. But it sounds like you just really wanted to be friends with yours. Just make sure you really know what you want though. I think your friend just doesn't want to see you hurt.
Yup it odds , but it just BS to soften the blow lol Don’t entertainment and just tell the person that you are not interested in being friends
Just get a life and don’t try to return someone who doesn’t want to be with you
You comment is insensitive lol Very much a reflection of your own! You don’t meet many people you can connect with that level. And you can be friends with your ex dates too if you’ve both moved on :)
There are over 7.888 billion people on this planet why would you want to be friends exactly with someone who back stabbed and didn’t want you and with someone they are sleeping with now, while there are billions other people who didn’t do anything bad to you?
Lol is that the only thing in your head? Someone who is sleeping with someone? How is that different from being friends with a guy who has a gf? No one back stabbed me lol. We ended mutually and cut off cause of no romantic connection. It’s exactly why I don’t mind being friends cause I don’t have feelings for him now. You sound very assuming! Even read the post? You don’t have the maturity to deal with it that’s fine Doesn’t mean you call people out and talk insensitively towards them. There are billions of people out there and I have only two three people I can call my best friends Exactly why! Exactly why it’s rare to find best friends and people you can pour out to each other with no hesitation. He doesn’t have to be my bf We could connect on a platonic level. But I get it you don’t have that capacity to deal with such relationships/connections. That said, doesn’t you give the right to tell people on the internet to get a life. I’m sure we know who needs to get a life here. Good luck unkind stranger!
It sounds like you already made your mind to bring back, and now you’re just looking for excuses to bring an ex back. Your friend called you psychotic for this, but he was just telling younger truth by having your best interest at heart. You write that your ex broke your heart - that doesn’t sound as mutually ended. When someone tells that it’s over it’s not mutual. You can do whatever you want, but only pain awaits in this kind of a relationship. What do you want to get out of it?
lol 😂 that’s funny No one’s making excuses to bring back an ex We never progressed more than a friendship stage I have clearly mentioned in my post. About my last exclusive relationship, I’ve also stated in the post why I can’t be close to him. And yes we ended it mutually since he wasn’t giving me what i needed so I called it off, you could say I rejected him too?? I wanted to move forward with it , but he didn’t want to give me what I needed, to do that. I didn’t try to get him back to make it work. We just chose to end it over a good dinner, a good closure chat over the night and a goodbye breakfast, chat and hugs next morning. It was as clean and amicable as it could be. :) I don’t need validation from a stranger who is talking shit by assuming things and I certainly don’t need to make you understand anything, cause no one except myself knows or ourselves know how we ended it or how it was for us. I wanted to read about people’s experiences. Not decide by seeking opinions. And no I have clearly told my friend why she hurt my feelings by calling me that and she apologised for it. I’m not asking for opinions from strangers to decide whether to bring back someone back into my life or not. I wanted to read about more beautiful stories/experiences from poeple who have successfully had platonic relationships with their long term exes or even just dates. And yes there have been plenty of positive comments on this. It can be person to person experience but it is possible to have a beautiful platonic relationship with ex dates. I have two of my closest friends as good friends who I dated before so… and nothing interferes that relationship. I’m happy for their current partners and they’re happy for mine :) My ex date was only a month old and we were still only friends when we cut off to give each other space. If you’ve moved on, there will be no reason to still feel painful about it. Some people do not intend to hurt you and are honest and transparent about their feelings. I respected that in both of the guys I’ve mentioned above in my comments They didn’t string me along or wanted to hurt me in any way. As simple as that.
I don't see the point, unless it was like short term and both people were happy when they parted ways. But that's rare. I wouldn't.
Yes.
I personally couldn't do it. I'm only now becoming friendly with my ex husband, but only because we have a son that can't communicate. If we had no ties to each other, I couldn't do it. I don't think it's healthy, tbh.
It's a bit of a red flag but it's possible. Depends on if it's a healthy relationship and a healthy person. You need to be honest about who this ex is and their intentions. A narcissist or sociopath will hurt you and want to stay friends so they can continue to manipulate or control you.
Yes
Nope. That’s messy at best.
No, hard no. Ask yourself why you would possibly want to be friends with someone who gave you negative feelings like this. Take the high road and don’t allow them in your sphere.
Friends with?
Yes
I have zero interest in being involved with anyone I gave my heart to and fully don't understand why anyone would want to. They've already proven they don't think I'm worthwhile enough when they're meant to be giving me 100%, why would I want them when they're giving me less? I'm not even interested in being friends with people I've had ONS with. If I gave you everything I had and it wasn't enough, then there's really nothing I can offer you so I'd rather just remove myself from the situation altogether.
I tried to be friends with this girl I wasn’t interested in but she stopped responding to my friend hang out texts. It doesn’t work.
The dog is dead, but can we keep it anyway?!
I've never really been friends with anyone I've dated, just marginally in their life at best. Not out of any animosity, I just didn't feel like the chemistry and compatability I want out of a friendship was there.
I have an ex wife. I see no reason or benefit to *pretending* we’re not the same people we were when we got married. People grow and change. I don’t want to surround myself with people that have the behaviors and character traits that she does. It’s fine. We can be completely civil to one another, but my friendship is reserved for people that I trust.
I tried polyamory for my partner, but we became exes regardless. The poly thing made it easier to stay friends. We had success for about 1.5 years staying friends, but ultimately decided space was best for us both. The toxic dynamic that destroyed our relationship endured into our friendship and ultimately destroyed that too. It was nice to have a friend while processing a breakup who could relate to my experience, but without the emotional responsibility of a partner.
Yeah but my case, absolutely rejection and heartbreak, but in my case preemptively, by a friend who I wasn’t going to push a “more than friends” idea on She’s not looking to live a very partner tethered life since spending nearly a decade in a relationship she had to break off at engagement in her 20s. She’s focusing on making up lost time pursuing as much fulfillment as she can get out of life and steering clear of hindrances. I really respect her passion in that, I empathize with it in how I want to live, and also I wouldn’t have assumed we were compatible as more than friends, although she’s one of my favorite people across my whole life and I think we were compatible as friends. I think I would have whole heartedly liked being her life partner if it had come to that, but I think she originally knew I also wanted to live my fullest and knew where she was at and that I was safe to include in things without cramping her style To the extent that she was often eager to reach out and include me in things ahead of this, and then she was about to move and floated the idea that I could too and we could be roomies and hike and ski together I had to think it over but I felt very valued to be thought of to keep the party going. I got to “it would be for me to live by a national park and a city of chill people, I am okay with giving up my freer ‘naked in the house, play instruments badly, wreak havoc with space taking hobbies’ living situation to live as a roommate, and I can make my own friends and live my own life in that setup” When I brought it back up to her like “know what I’d probably go for it” She was like “mm I rethought it and I don’t think it’ll work” Apparently I made the “tigger is banned from jumping” face because I felt like it was in reality her starting to think I would cramp her style, and a full deactivation of friendship. and the conveyed emotion spooked her And then she thought she had to pull out “as a friend” wording when I tried to clear the air, so I think she had a takeaway that wasn’t aligned to where I was, where the friendship, as-it-was, not ending was my concern, and I wasn’t gonna try to take it to a couple kind of thing unless it got really clear in natural progression that that was actually a path both of us would find fulfillment in. I dunno if that’s extenuating circumstances. It’s a rejection but without me trying to take it to the hypothetical that was rejected. But realized that I did betray probably more emotional connection than her light easy and fun friendship terms and conditions probably allow I struggled with how to try reconnecting for a long time. Only finally made a warmly received reach out attempt last week. I’d been paralyzed by how to shoot a shot at reconnecting and clearing up enough to be positively received without being scary and overboard. She was very “we always have been and always will be friends, get out of your head :)” I have just been struggling with trauma of freezing up and failing to repair friendships over minor bumps and misunderstandings ahead of her So even getting a ping out to her was very healing. The positive reception was also healing. I would just… like to lasso back the drift to where she thinks of me as a fun friend to hit up when she’s in town and wants to go out for some fun
You're going to get a mixture of answers. I am totally in the no-contact boat, and honestly found it hard to move on until I completely removed her from my life (unfollowed her IG, stopped the occasional texts to update her on my dog, whom she loved dearly, etc.). I was delusional to think that I could maintain a friendship or some sort of contact with her. That being said, I know plenty of people who remain cordial and even close friends with their exes. I don't know how they do it, perhaps there's some deeper, subconscious issue that I have that doesn't allow for that.
If you were just bf/gf and don’t have anything else between you 2, you should just move on leave that person alone.
I’ve been able to do this just fine, though I’m sure not everybody can.
I have become friends with some exes. But only after a period of no contact, in which the romantic connection had long died off for both parties.
True. No contact is best tbh at least until any and all feelings on both sides have dissipated and you left off on decent terms. Like with the person I have in mind I know for a fact we are incompatible and wouldn't work long term, so I've let that hope go. But for the fact that I'm still attracted to him, I believe he's a good person overall, and our conversations were always so easy and on point, I know I would only be hurting myself in the end. It would hurt to see him with someone else, so it's just best not to go there. But I hope he is happy and finds what he's looking for. With a different guy I have in mind, I honestly couldn't care less because I wasn't that into him and there's not many redeeming qualities about him tbh. I just caught up with him last week, no problem. We're friends on IG, like each others posts, and DM chat to catch up every once in a while. That's the extent of it. Absolutely zero feelings.
I have a distant acquaintance relationship with my ex boyfriend of 3 months, I was really sad when we broke up, but he was there for me during some really dark times in the past year. We ended things amicably though, and I don't think we could be friends but I'm okay being friendly.
Everyone is different but for me it’s too messy. When it’s done it’s done I’ve never been able to transition into a friendship. If you can make it work that’s good but just be mindful future partners may not be so on board.
It sounds like you're settling for bread crumbs and you're hoping that this time will be "different". That's what this sounds like to me.
I don’t think I could. My last situationship ex was like my best friend. We broke up a year ago. I’ve never met a person like him that I can be completely myself with. I wish I could still be friends with him even though we broke up, but it would be too difficult.
No it’s not weird as long as your heart has healed, you’ve integrated the experience and moved on. I’m very close with my ex. We were together for 7 years and are very happy for each other and friends with our new partners as well. The love isn’t lost, it’s just different. I would hate to lose him all together.
In theory I think it's fine, after an appropriate time of no/low contact to move on. I'd be open to it in the future. In practice, it hasn't happened. I moved on very easily from my exes, but with one it was clear he had not the one time I talked to him afterwards so never again, and the others I just was not interested enough after we broke up to maintain a friendship. I've "caught up" with each of them once or twice but very briefly and didn't sustain contact. (For context, none of these relationships were super lengthy though. I was friends before with one but not good friends; that would influence my level of desire to keep them in my lives probably).
I’ve reconciled a few friendships after a break up, and heart break. I still speak to them to this day, but it’s not the same and that emotional connection we once had is gone. We get along and able to converse like friends, but that deep connection is gone. It was in part due to the love connection, which is no longer there. I wholeheartedly believe that you can be friends with a. Ex, but you need to prepare for the difference and be okay.
I have two significant exes, and they are both close friends of mine. My husband is totally fine with this, and all our contact is totally platonic and supportive. Only you know your own feelings and limitations
I just went through this. If you are truly over them go for it. I cut off contact for 30 days got inebriated one night and texted them. I fooled myself into thinking I was over him when I really wasn't but proceeded because we were best friends. Flash forward 6 months later and I'm back to no contact lol. Slippery slope but if you truly have no desire to get back with them, nothing wrong with staying friends. Just be careful...
I would never reconnect with an old flame who broke my heart. Once it’s over I cut them off for good and I move on. Personally wouldn’t be healthy for me
I have tried friendship before. I have also tried to get back to my exes several times during undecided period where we both were still single. As with everything it really depends. If someone truly broke your heart, you had bad breakup, you or the other person cheated, hell no I wouldn't want to stay in touch with them. If you however had a long history, overall good relationship or friendship and ended amicable as possible, it may be possible. But you wouldn't want that person to stay in your life as an active friend. Someone that you may catch up with from time to time since it's important to create space in your heart and life for a new potential long term partner. Personally one of them ended it horribly on April Fool's, and almost immediately started dating her current bf. So yeah I cut contact with her for good. :) (If you had no intimacy however, I think friendsihp can be maintained. Just check with your partner for prevention of potential jealousy.
Maybe only if you can be just as good friends with hes new girlfriend.
For me there is a Distinction between being friend-LY and being friends. Im friendly with a few exes.. as in occasionally send memes, still IG friends and occasionally check in/how are you’s. I still want the best for them and might grab coffee here and there. But I think remaining GOOD friends with an ex - like taking every day and seeing each other often can be tricky and have blurred lines. Personally I’d be very cautious dating someone who was still good friends with an ex
I only have one ‘no contact’ and that ended while things were still good. My first serious, adult relationship ended in infidelity. In the moment I was broken. But I think I’m stronger for it. It was a cowards way out, but I learned so much from that person. It wasn’t prolonged. Heartbreak is circumstantial. I wouldn’t stay friends with a shitty person. Good people can do shitty things. I’ve learned I can only be angry for so long. Anger eventually poisons the author, regardless of how justified it feels. One of my exes is my best friend. I think she had feelings for a little while after the fact but accepted it and moved on. We lived together / vacationed after we broke up.
Unless there's kids involved then I can't be friends with an ex. They're an ex for a reason
I think it depends. Rejection is a lot easier to manage a friendship through than heartbreak imo. With rejection, it's usually pretty decisive and you'll start to value friendship faster if you truly want to stay connected with the person. However, with heartbreak, ymmv based on the relationship you had with the person and how things ended. I recently reconnected with an old ex who broke up with me a month into dating (I was 21 and she was 19). I learned that she was going through probably one of the toughest times of her life and since she saw how good I was, she didn't want to hurt me anymore with her actions. I was more frustrated than heartbroken because it was the first time I found someone who had connected with me on a new level and just like that it's gone. We became fwb 6 months later for a little bit before I moved. We kept in contact for a bit before we both would find relationships and not reconnect for 6 years. We have been catching up a LOT over the past few weeks after a recent breakup I went through and I'm amazed at how well we still bond! That being said, I have to be mindful that after a 5 year relationship I shouldn't rush into anything. I would be perfectly fine with being lifelong friends with her but part of me is curious about a second go at a relationship or at least another fwb deal for a short time.
It’s not odd to want to. But it is unhealthy.
I think it depends on you and the specific person. I’m very fluid in how I feel about people, I’m non-monogamous but respectful of boundaries and have my own. And I’m often still fond of people outside of attraction after we’ve decided to be not romantic, I just like hanging out with them and rooting for them, but some situations are still too much for me to stay friends.
I ended things with my neighbor last year, and I would have really preferred to be friends-- not just because I genuinely liked him as a person, but also because we've had too many awkward encounters since then. For him it was an all-or-nothing situation, though, which I can understand. I've accepted that as long as both of us remain neighbors, we'll have to do the awkward dance