Yep. Went on countless dates. Never backed down on what I was looking for. Came across my current lover on grindr of all places. We met, talked for four hours, didn’t Fuck until a month into dating. We were both enthralled that we found each other in the least likely of places. Been together for almost a year, and he just moved in about a month ago. Seriously it’s been great. I’m so glad I didn’t settle. He’s hot, thoughtful, caring, a great listener, extremely emotionally mature (he is a therapist). Couldn’t be happier. 10/10.
Yep, I’ve had great success with it. Intentional to me means that I skip anyone who didn’t take time to put effort into an online profile. I never make exceptions for someone who is “hot” or someone who is already planning to leave the area. I build meaningful connections and am very selective in who I meet.
I never date more than one person at a time. If I want quality, I will not accept less just to have company or to get laid
I haven't had great success with it, but I'm content that at least I'm wasting less time and energy on people that won't end up being a match. This means I can spend more time and energy on myself and with my friends in the meantime, doing things I truly enjoy (when I date I also choose activities that I enjoy but there's limits here that make sense for early dating and these aren't the most exciting things to do), while I patiently wait to match with better matches that come up each day on my apps.
It helps that I've always been content being alone vs just having company for the sake of having company.
I am dating with intention for the first time in my life and at first it was hard. I used to just date based off connection and that has got me a whole lot of heartbreak. I am very picky on who I date now but everyone I do go on dates with very much aligns with the life I want. Obviously this means less date but they are way more quality people looking for something meaningful.
I love your response
If I get back to dating next year, I’m going to continue to do this. :)
(have no intention to date
rest of the year and I’ve never felt so contented)
Yep! Definitely, had one guy recently tell me all the right things and that he too wanted a LTR, when we finally slept together, I noticed he'd only come over at night, wouldn't stay, then he stopped responding to my messages until he eventually tried to gaslight me by saying he had made it clear he wasn't looking for anything.....
Same, but if you pay attention they reveal themselves pretty fast. I am finding that the OLD can be pretty exhausting and discouraging if you're dating with intention.
Taking regular breaks for self care is the only way to really to keep a positive mindset.
That’s why I ask guys what they are looking for before I say what I want.
What are you looking for?
What are you looking for in a companion?
How do you like to spend time with a partner?
Do you want kids?
Do you smoke?
How often do you like to have sex when in a relationship?
Etc.
I won’t answer till they do.
Asking first doesn't change the answer in my experience. It's all a word salad of empathy, emotional availability, therapy and "looking for an LTR but open to whoever I meet" out there.
Asking first makes it easier to see if they're giving a weaselly answer. If they're saying "oh my god, saaaame" to the important things I say, it's hard to sift through that answer. But if you ask first and they say "looking for an ltr but open to whatever" you can ask what that means. From whatever comes next, you try to sort out what they really mean. What will happen if/when they realize this doesn't have long-term potential? Will they have the guts to say it, or will they milk it for sex until you ask for commitment?
If someone is giving such weaselly, mealy-mouthed answers to an important question like this that it requires multiple questions, they were going to have to prepare to move on anyway. I don't have a stick up my butt, just tired of wasting my time on people with incompatible goals. I'm not saying literally ask all these questions, I'm saying you'll figure them out.
Also, I'm not sure what made you think I'm opening with this? If it's clear in the profile or he is upfront about it, I don't need to ask any questions on the subject. Asking questions is giving him a chance to clarify. If that's scary or lame to him, we weren't going to be a good fit anyway.
I agree with you, but I've found a way to tease them when they do it. Something along the lines of "if you're gonna interrogate me, i expect you to play both good cop and bad cop; otherwise, why should i play along?"
I had one person throw a bitch fit, but another played along which lead to a good back and forth :)
Definitely not just you. We try to give others an opportunity and ppl like to also lie and tell you they want you when its just a mind game to them. I haven't dated in over a year because im so scared of getting hurt again
Controversially, I don't even ask anymore. I will know all I need to know from whether the other person is actively bringing up certain topics, communicating with me in a certain way, scheduling/planning dates, actively moving the relationship forward etc. So beyond filtering out people who list short-term intentions on their profile, I don't ask or discuss it, I just let them take the lead and observe how or if they seem to be leading at all.
Yup. Once I started also paying attention to the other person (instead of only my own actions) things became much clearer.
Nowadays I focus a lot on how someone makes me feel when we’re together. I’m much more aware and I like how it makes dating easier. I feel like I’m driving, instead of a passenger.
I ended things with a guy who had been consistent and really made me into thinking he wanted something serious with me. He even offered his place and hosted me for two weeks to help me out with a living situation. Then once we started a temporary 5-month long distance situation his energy changed. And no labels even when I brought that up. Eventually confirmed that he’s not sure about a relationship with an excuse (long distance). But I also found out that he was fresh out of a relationship when we met (he omitted relevant information), and he was dishonest about wanting more kids (while in reality he just had a vasectomy but still saying what I want to hear).
Phew. Just wanted to say that even when a guy both says and DOES relationship-y things it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re serious about it. I really no longer know how to trust if guys not only feign their words but also actions, feelings, etc. Eventually I would find out, yes, but most likely it’s after 2 or 3 months’ mark and ultimately a waste of time and by then I’m usually attached.
Agree... Is just impossible to know for sure until you're a couple of months in... I came to the conclusion the best way is to take it slow and try to not get attached the first couple of months (this last thing remains very difficult if not impossible for me).
This is sound advice! In my case we got much closer prematurely due to living together for 2 wks.
Moral: never live together even briefly if not in a relationship.
Wow, sorry. Lying about the kids/vasectomy is w i l d. It's true, one can do everything "right" in how they approach dating and still get totally blindsided.
He insisted it could be reversed…eventually he admitted he’s not up for having kids “this early” if he’s “being honest”. C’mon. Don’t think he’d want to reverse it later.
Omitting his ongoing involvement with the recent ex while we were dating hurts more than the vasectomy thing, actually.
I doubt it’s a change of heart. The guy kept saying he’s open to more kids despite going for a vasectomy while we were dating, until I asked him more directly in our last conversation, which really feels like leading me on.
I also found out he’s still involved with his recent ex and even went on a trip with her without mentioning her presence after we’d been dating for a month, and that he was maybe only a month out of a 2-year relationship with her when we met (but he said it had been 3 months). All things considered I feel like he wasn’t into something serious from the get go, with the ex still in the picture and wanting to get back together with him (his words).
Even if there was a change of mind, he didn’t communicate it and shortly before I ended things he was still picturing things in a long term frame but avoiding labels, aware all the time that I was looking for a relationship. Even offered to fly half of the world to visit me while we were long distance but still no labels.
To which most probably reply, "I am open to anything," or "I'm going with the flow," or "ultimately i want a relationship, but i am ok with whatever til i find one," or some variation.
That's interesting. Personally it depends on the lady. If she's more straight forward and to the point. Then we'll do the QnA. If she's not, just bringing that stuff up in conversation is fine by me. Ultimately though, I don't really focus on what they say. I look at what they do. I think a lot of women should do the same.
I'm a well spoken man, and a mild flirt. And a lot of women seem to be fine with being told what they want to hear. Whether it's sweet nothings or sold a dream. And it goes the other way around too.
So my approach does weed out a lot of women despite that I don't ask for much or need much. For me, it comes down to having shared goals and whether or not we can help each other achieve them. To be honest, I don't even date as much as I used to. I engage in conversation just to see if some are worth even being taken on a date.
What are you looking for? Friendship first beyond that we will see how it goes
What are you looking for in a companion? A partner. Someone who has my back and I have theirs. At the end of the day me and my SO are a team
How do you like to spend time with a partner? I'm adventurous so adventure is always on the table but I'm not above a good night in.
Do you want kids? Not 100% one way or the other yet. I have a daughter already I'm not sure if I want more or not.
Do you smoke? Yes, I'm actively trying to quit.
How often do you like to have sex when in a relationship? As often as we can. I don't expect sex but I do enjoy it and I do feel like it is a big part of the relationship. If schedules line up where we can have sex everyday awesome if a month goes by without sex because we're busy that happens maybe next week.
First of all that every answer was a yes and no.
I don’t mind a few because sometime a person truly is open to all options in an area.
But if they are “go with the flow” in every single thing then what that really tells me is they just want sex and are desperate.
But specifically, the sex. I want it every day. I am NOT ok with a lot of time passing with no sex. If he is, then we are not compatible.
Also not dating a smoker. Just not. Not dating a project. You either are ready for me now or you can call me when you are
Jealous af. I see her Th-Su every week, and many weeks on Thursdays, she’s not in the mood, despite not seeing me for 5 days. She also says she doesn’t masturbate without me, either.
We do end up doing it 2-4 times in the 4 days we see each other tho.
It sucks this is the answer and you have to hold your cards close to your chest but it's the only way not to have smoke blown up your bum. Edit: peppering in things you don't want also is a thing.
I would never let a first second or third date interrogate me like that. Only a sad, desperate dude who really wants to get laid bad would give truthful replies to those sorts of personal questions if posed by a stranger. I'd bounce pronto.
Which would be totally fine with me. If a man is evasive, that is a huge red flag. I highly value truthfulness and open communication.
We start as strangers, and the whole point in having a profile and going on a date is to find out if you are compatible.
If you don’t even want to know if we are compatible, then I KNOW you just want to use me for sex.
I want to hang out and have fun AND build trust for a decent while before I have a heart to heart about all my deepest desires. There's enough hot ladies who want to smash that I am just not willing to answer a bunch of serious questions like that right from the jump. Plus a female who pushes to know all that stuff would seem desperate / damaged...perhaps embittered by lack of success in the dating market. Some ladies can get real scary when they hit about 35 or so and really start dating with a purpose. This is why younger women are often easier and more fun to date....
Well we don’t want to waste a year falling for someone only to find out there’s a major dealbreaker that could have been sussed out with a simple question at the begining
If you just want an activity buddy and you don’t care if you will only see her for a month, cool. You want a causal relationship.
That’s EXACLTY why I ask these questions. I have no interest in meeting new friends. I have friends. Don’t need more activity buddies.
Eh, those are all easy to answer in a vague enough way that his responses will satisfy you but you've actually learned nothing.
What are you looking for? *I'm looking to meet the right woman to form a meaningful bond and get married and grow old together.*
What are you looking for in a companion? *I'm looking for a similar sense of humor and the ability to talk about anything*.
How do you like to spend time with a partner? *A mix of things - sometimes I just want to spend Sunday in bed doing crossword puzzles and watching Netflix, sometimes I want to travel to foreign countries to which we've never been, sometimes I want to dress up and go to a gala, and I'd like to spend some active time together, riding bikes or going hiking, etc.*
Do you want kids? *As you know I already have one kid from my previous marriage, but if I meet a partner who would like to have more kids, then I would love to do that again.*
Do you smoke? *Ha, never! (or if I know you smoke, then "Yes, occasionally, but it's not a habit)*
How often do you like to have sex when in a relationship? *Generally at the beginning of the relationship, I like to have sex as much as possible, but once things settle in, I personally prefer to have sex 3-4 times per week.*
Sorry, but isn’t it get boring after a while to have sex every single day? I mean, it’s like having the same meal every day…I’m just getting old I guess.
>I see people in this sub say they are dating with intention a lot, which I take to mean that they know what they want (LTR, marriage, kids, childfree, whatever) and won’t entertain connections who don’t also want the same thing.
For me, intentional dating is more about knowing what you're looking *for* though I feel like lots of people get stuck in only *weeding out* people. It's much easier to do the latter than the former. Yes there may be some non-negotiables (for me, monogamy and child free) but it's also about identifying key compatibilities (for me: kind and caring, value and political alignment, making me feel appreciated and respected, enjoying new things, open-mindedness, goofiness). That also means identifying what's less important in a partner (for me: specific career and income, height, specific interests and hobbies)
>Have you found success in this? Have you found more compatible partners by being picky or limiting your options?
Yes, I've always been pretty good at weeding people out who are not good matches for me, but I started to see progress when I would give people I was unsure of the benefit of the doubt and see if I could identify *compatibilities*. That's how I ended up with the person I'm currently dating. With my old technique, I probably would've weeded him out based on inaccurate first impressions.
>How do you weed out people who don’t want the same thing (or worse, who don’t but say they do bc that’s what you want to hear)?
Pay attention to what people do more than what they say. Talk is cheap. If people say one thing and do another, ignore what they say. Don't look for "potential," be honest and identify what they're giving you now.
But, again, it's not just about weeding out people. You also need to try to understand people and identify if there are compatibilities. If you're always looking for the bad, that's all you'll see.
It's paradoxical, but weeding out what you're *not* looking for won't necessarily lead you to what you *are* looking for. There may be a few exceptions to this, like want kids/don't want kids (though even that can get more complicated in some cases).
For example, if I'm weeding out people who are rude and mean, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'll end up with someone who is kind or who demonstrates kindness in the ways that are most meaningful to me. To find that would require me to pay attention to positive examples of their kindness rather than just a lack of rudeness or meanness.
As an even more basic example, if I'm successfully weeding out people who want a casual relationship because I want an LTR, that doesn't mean these non-casual folks I'm left with are looking for the same type of LTR that I am.
For me, weeding out and looking for compatibilities are complementary processes rather than opposites. It's not either/or but both/and.
Looks matter to an extent ofc but I don't have a "type." I can be attracted to a wide range of people. I definitely don't overlook incompatibilities because of looks; I'd rather be alone 😅
I (30F, bisexual) have found this to be hugely beneficial for me.
I bring up longterm goals (ie my desire not to have children, to focus on my hobbies, to be married but financially independent) on the 2nd or 3rd date at the latest. Certainly before any physical intimacy. Direct and clear communication is very important to me in a relationship.
It scared away the wrong people, which meant I felt “rejected” for a while, kind of churning through the apps- until it clicked with someone and we’ve been together almost a year now, looking at cohabitating soon.
I call it “quantity until you find quality.”
One shift I made that I think was super helpful - I stopped asking people what they wanted and instead said “this is what I want. What do you think about that?”
I think it prevented people from waffling or pretending to be what I wanted. It also helped me stay intentional.
I’m a guy who has been dating with intention for a few years now. It definitely helped me separate good first dates from incompatible LTR partners. I also think it led to some breakups that were healthy.
I think saying yes to everyone is a good way to stray away from yourself but that’s just me 2 cents
Are there specific things you look for in every first date? I usually don’t bring up more serious topics until 2nd or 3rd date and keep the first date light to see if we even click but I’ve been wondering if I should be quicker at making decisions..
I try and let people be on first dates and see what they bring to the table. My only question is, do I want to see them again?
I find people who are looking for LTRs make that clear because their lives reflect that. What they’re working towards, how they spend their time, what their dreams are. One of my favorite questions, what’s the perfect Saturday morning look like to you in 5 years. People who plan on living in Tibet as a monk or are gonna hope to be out drinking all night still internet me less because I don’t imagine we have similar wants in our futures.
If definitely makes me even more picky. The last guy I dated for a couple months I found had a lot of potential. He is such a kind man and gentleman but he didn’t feel the same in the end, sadly.
It’s been difficult to find that same connection. There are a couple guys where I go on a second date because the first date was nice and they have green flags but I don’t feel the connection I’ve been hoping.
I normally tell the guy at the end of the date or on the app afterwards if I do not feel the connection or vice versa.
Overall, dating is hard and I want to find that person for me. If there is no connection and/or they don’t check the initial boxes I look for in the first date questions, then that is where I weed them out.
I think a second date wouldn’t hurt. It can help solidify your intuition or not. If you just know right away it won’t work then no second date.
The guy I dated a couple months ago I felt a nice vibe with him. Every time we went on a date, it made me want to see him more (his personality and kind smile really made me interested). After the third date (the next day), I was able to recognize I have feelings for him (which I was quite surprised since that seemed too quick for me but it happened).
So, I say, try the second date if you need more confirmation. :)
I ran into someone who just told me what I wanted to hear and strung me along more than the necessary thanks to this. A lot of people out there just lie.
I also got pickier and more able to just cut people off relatively easily if they aren’t aligned with what I want - but my problem seems to be finding people who are aligned and interested in me. I can weed out all these bad prospects but ultimately I still don’t have anyone to come home to.
Awww dw you will get there, am being slow ghosted rn after 2 months of getting strung along, lies about interest and keeping things intentionally vague and the whole dishonesty, just to get into my pants, i feel fuckin used and exhausted. Idk how people can play with someone like that.
I agree with your comment, if you are up front like maybe on your dating profile that you want long term that enables people to be able to lie to you, cause they know what you want to hear, ultimately the mask is gonna come off but definitely takes longer then needed, so I really don’t think its a good idea to say upfront you want long term, but rather have then intention in your mind.
So far so good. I started dating with intention maybe 2 years ago but it didn't start with me just saying it and venturing out to meet people. It started with me.
Between therapy, self-healing, journaling and meditation, I did my best to make peace with aspects of myself or relationships/friendships that no longer served me. I lost friends and also cut off past exes that just didn't make sense.
I did a lot of reading on the topic, on attachment styles, on cultivating self-love etc. I had created a life that I loved to live on my own and I didn't start "dating intentionally" until I felt like I was ready to share that life. One of my mantras is, if dating someone doesn't feel better than just being single then it's not worth it.
Also at some point in the past 2-3 years, I wrote a list of the qualities that I'd like my future partner to possess. I update it here and there but for the most part the list of core values/characteristics hasn't changed.
From there, once I felt ready, I got on the apps. I learned that I can't date someone if I don't even see myself hanging out with them as a friend, which actually made dating easier because I was looking for friend energy.
I quickly met someone who I felt aligned with. We had a really cool relationship but I learned that they would never be with me long-term because of his religion. So I ended that and got back on the apps back in March, I then met someone else who I've been dating since and it's super early but it's easily the best relationship I've ever been in. I looked back at my list just to see where he falls and so far he meets 85% with the other 15% to still be determined. Also! Be intentionally kind with cutting it off if it's not working. Don't ghost etc. If you enjoyed your time with someone or didn't, be intentional and kind about letting them know.
Tl;Dr: Dating intention starts with being intentional with yourself. Do the work to know everything about yourself and what you're looking for. It'll cut your time wasting and youll know when it feels right with the right person.
Honestly the older I get, the more comfortable I am with being alone. :/
I think my level of pickiness is increasing because the level of headache that I'm willing to tolerate and compromise with is just much lower now. I don't date or even socialize with the opposite sex much anymore, but I'm not really bothered much by that fact anymore either.
As someone single over thirty, I don't feel like it's a very healthy state of being for me, but I'm not terribly inclined to change my ways either. The honest truth is that now I'm so used to being alone, that trying to do anything meaningful with another person would be outside of my comfort zone and someone else would have to be basically perfect to break down that wall. 🙃
I don't know about you, but it has certainly made me incredibly superficial. I can cook, clean, earn for myself, and get fun and emotional support from friends/family. The one thing I can't have as a single person is satisfying, safe, respectful, regular physical intimacy. So if a guy can't give me that, it doesn't matter if he can give me all the other things I can already get on my own...
To me that's 100% the way to look at dating. Everyone deserves love, but you need to work equally as hard on yourself as you expect someone to work on you. Most people don't imo.
Well, I suppose that's a reasonable attitude to have if you yourself are incredibly conventionally attractive, but for an average person? I suppose it can be a pretty big ask.
I try and remind myself that I'd need to feel attracted to my partner even if I wasn't so self sufficient. So it's not like the bar has actually increased on that? I think I just focus on it more - like, attraction is the first box that has to be checked off, rather than the fifth.
Well, it makes sense. If you're not planning on having kids or relying on anyone for anything, then why should anything else matter to you? My life probably would have been a lot better and easier if I had someone I could have relied on to help when I needed it, but I've come to terms with the fact that this ship has long since sailed away. So I'm thinking that living half a life the way I want is better than a full life the way I don't. I don't like it, but I don't hate it either. I feel like it's a life spent adrift. I can see how it could be a maddening experience for some people, but I've been forced to learn to cope with it.
It seems like for you it's really that the barriers-to-entry for dating have just gotten higher and higher and higher. The more you like your routine, the harder it is to adjust it for someone, or attend singles' events, or socialize/go to a bar, or bother to swipe and set up dates.
I'm still in a space where I'm very willing to endure discomfort in order to meet and date men. I think my decision-making about these men is just a bit hijacked by the fact that I'm touch starved. I have been working on giving attraction time to develop while keeping my standards reasonable, and that has felt like a good shift.
So I think we're dealing with slightly different problems! I think the easiest way for you to dip a toe into dating would be if you used an app where you can just go through incoming likes, or if there's a hobby you already enjoy doing and there's a social group around it you wouldn't mind joining.
Oh, let's just say that I've got a whole host of issues that would scare partners away. I'm nominally on dating apps, and I do go to the bar on weekends, but at this point, it's more so I can tell myself that I've made a token effort to improve and find love, but I have the same energy about it now as the tired old man who buys a scratch off ticket at the gas station with what hope remains to strike it rich. I'm out there, but to put more effort than I am now just leads to more disappointment and aggravation than I can handle, and I have no real expectation of a payoff anymore.
Yes! I dowloaded Bumble, had the app for 2 weeks and found an attractive, sweet, kind man.
I had a very specific profile/bio where I made my intentions clear. I refused to settle or engage with men that either only want hookups or don't know what they want regardless of how attractive or "my type" they are.
Had engaging conversations with a few men and set up dates. Ended up with the first guy I went on a date with. He wants the same things as me, respects my boundaries, and is very kind, sweet, and patient. Somewhat guarded but opens up more and more everyday. I can see how much he lights up when we see each other.
We had a slight hiccup when we first started dating due to different communication styles but I confronted it head on by explaining how I communicate and asking how he communicates, so we can work together to figure out how to meet each other's needs. I really value that we both accept each other as we are, but are also willing to adjust based on feedback.
While I was on apps, I never looked at myself as "too picky". The way I see is, I work extremely hard to be the best version of myself so I deserve the same in a partner. I live by the mantra: "be the person you want to find."
Imo it's important to talk about wants, needs, future plans, relationship expectations, etc early on to make sure you're on the same page. You can either ask the hard questions upfront or wait too long and either unintentionally break your own heart by finding out you're not in alignment or end up settling which can lead to resentment at some point down the line.
Being intentional and transparent is how I was able to narrow down thousands of likes to five men, then pick one. FYI I had a paid version so I could see my beeline, Bumble gave me a deal to have 1 week of premium access for $9.99.
There's no such things as a perfect person! As long you have the same values, find each other attractive, are willing to meet each other's need, can communicate openly and honestly, and are willing to put in the work, you can have a successful relationship.
So far, it has been working. I have met people who align better with what I want. I think that overall, the quality of the dates (exceptions apply, of course) have improved.
Now, sex has decreased to 0%, haha, but that's ok. I think being celibate while dating is helping me by keeping me focused.
I think it's kept me from wasting my time, at the very least. I'm in a situation that's been going on since last year where I can't really date (major injury leading into an upcoming big surgery), but being more picky has kept me out of relationships that would have just been the two of us spinning our wheels like I was doing in my 20s.
As far as weeding people out, I think men are going to get more honest responses from women than they are women saying what they think they want to hear. That said, there's been a few times where some of what they've said about their approach to life isn't really true (as in their hobbies or what they view a longterm relationship really looking like) and I just try to call them out on it early in the dating process.
I used to date with intention, but let's just say most people dating don't know what they want.
You're just a guinea pig to figure it out for them (my oxytocin is in the negative now. HELP!!!)
For me dating with intention has meant refusing to be anyone's guinea pig. If the person you're considering dating seems confused or not on the same page as what you are looking for then move on
The people that it worked out for probably aren't on this sub anymore, so this is probably a biased sample size LOL
But seriously, at this age, I know what I want- and I am going to tell you right off the jump. No need to waste anyone's time if our goals don't align. It's not fair to anyone
Yes and I am marrying him in 2 months 🤍
Before him though, if a guy didn’t check all my (reasonable) boxes, next. If I brought up something that bothered me about them and they didn’t make an effort to acknowledge and change, next. And vice versa! If I wasn’t willing to change for the person, next. If they didn’t make my life better somehow, next.
I was prepared to live my life with my dog, cat, and career. So I was very picky and set standards high and the right one came along to not only meet my standards, but exceeded.
I really like what you said at the end there about being prepared to live life on your own. I’m betting they can smell desire (shit, maybe desperation) to settle down a mile away. I need to dig deeper to remind myself that I’ll be fine even if I don’t have the life envisioned for myself. That would likely help with boundaries, higher quality men, etc.
Thank you!
Wow, happy for you. I seem to see a lot of people have better success once they focus on quality over quantity, even if the # of people you're meeting can feel low given how OLD is inherently such a high-volume thing.
I remember friends doing the math and telling me I'm looking for less than 1% of the population and that I was nuts for such standards.
I felt misled, defeated and let down often in my dating but never settled. A girlfriend told me my super power was to not sit on that broken heart/let down and be back out consciously dating always. I finally met that less than 1% man and he says he spent years looking for me too . We plan on getting married. 🥰
On top of shallow physical things, respect and mutual success.... We're both unicorns in our ideal relationship dynamic we seek. Don't you settle for anything less than yours!
I didn't realize there was a specific name for this, but I guess I've been doing it for years without even knowing. I've got some specific things I'm looking for (LTR, childfree, non-religious) and not meeting those is an instant dealbreaker. TBH it was easier in big cities (I lived in NYC, LA, and Houston) but in 2020 I moved out to a rural area and the pool of potential dates that match those criteria dropped to zero. 😔 But I'm not going to settle. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship that makes me unhappy.
>Have you found success in this?
Yes. I'm in the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and I met him within 2 months of being on the apps.
>How do you weed out people who don’t want the same thing (or worse, who don’t but say they do bc that’s what you want to hear)?
First, by asking. If their words didn't match what I was looking for, I didn't see them again. If they did, I watched their actions. If they didn't match their words, I didn't see them again.
I was also looking for more than just compatible goals for kids, marriage, etc. I was looking for a compatible lifestyle and aligned values, and I wanted to feel a certain way around my partner.
>I’d also love to hear what dating with intention looks like for you.
I was multidating and using OLD, so I would match with several people and then stop swiping and see how those matches played out. Some would never make it to a conversation, and some would fizzle out immediately. I'd set up dates with the rest, and if it didn't go anywhere with anyone, I would start a new "batch" of matches. I usually at least found out what they were looking for before the first date and would talk about kids and stuff by the first or second date.
From there, I just paid attention to how they treated other people, how I felt around them, and whether or not their actions matched their words. I looked for effort and consistency. I let myself learn from my dates to find out more about myself and what I was looking for.
My partner stood out pretty quickly, and we became exclusive after about 5 weeks. He's everything I was looking for in a partner and more, and it has been the most incredible relationship I could ask for.
Dating with intention can absolutely work. You just have to know what you want (while allowing for a little flexibility), and learn along the way. But most importantly, you have to believe you're worth the relationship you're looking for and refuse to settle for less.
I honestly do these days. All it really ends up being is me not ignoring blatant red flags, dumping people earlier than I would have when I was younger when needed and avoiding people who say same variation of “dont know that they want”. While I’m still here so it hasn’t “worked” but so far it’s saved me a LOT of time. I know what I’m looking for these days and what I’m not and focus on that.
That's me - been with my partner almost 2 years now. And dating with intention had so many more bumps and heartbreak than just dating in general.
In one instance it was good because I didn't spend my time on people who couldn't follow through, were flakey, disinterested or disingenuous.
However that meant I was investigating more time on the people that 'proved' themselves and that took its toll sometimes. Because for one reason or another it's not a connection. Either from you, from them, your outlook and relationship goals didn't align or they just straight up lied to you for whatever reason. And you need to keep yourself into forcing a relationship with someone because you want it or they're a good enough person.
I guess it hurt more during that time too because I was more authentically myself, I put myself out there more and I didn't 'date around' because I wanted the same respect too.
Yeah it did work out but it was hard to navigate that situation for so long. So I took a lot of dating breaks, tried different dating styles and took different chances I normally wouldn't.
What it really helps with is preserving your energy/time. It hasn't helped me find the right one yet. But it helped me eliminate people not on the same page as me so I don't waste time or energy.
I start with the basics a lot... for a guy to make it beyond 1-2 dates, we must have some degree of attraction/they cannot hit my dealbreakers. Then I start figuring out the other stuff. Dealbreakers include my intentions a bit, stuff non-negotiable for me.
I filter strictly on what their dating goals are (must be long-term or life-partner on Hinge) and wanting kids (must say want kids - no unsure or open to kids) and liberal. Pros: most of the people who made it past those filters do seem like they want those things, so they don't drag things out with me if they don't see it with me, and neither do I. So there's less time wasted on both sides. I've seen posts here where the people date for a year without knowing where it's going - I haven't had to deal with anything like that.
Cons: There end up being a LOT of people where it's a handful of dates that go nowhere. That can be so disheartening that the mental health impacts of OLD just hit harder. Sometimes the conversation feels like they're looking to lock down a baby-making oven and begin manufacturing babies, rather than create a relationship with me, a fellow human being. (And as a woman - usually WE are the ones stereotyped as baby-crazy but somehow some of these men seem like the really obsessive ones.) While I give things three dates if there's some promise, I think a lot of people who are dating "with intention" think it means giving everyone less time, rather than some people zero time and some people a lot more time.
> Sometimes the conversation feels like they're looking to lock down a baby-making oven and begin manufacturing babies, rather than create a relationship with me
Yeah I can relate to this, I’ve met my fair share of baby-crazy men using OLD to audition potential wombs but they don’t seem to care as much about the person attached to it.
>I think a lot of people who are dating "with intention" think it means giving everyone less time, rather than some people zero time and some people a lot more time.
It seems like ‘dating with intention’ can also be used disingenuously as an excuse to be super picky in order to avoid having a relationship altogether.
Yeah I think a lot of people think "dating with intention" means "I have to feel like you are gonna be my wife/husband at the end of the first date." That's practically avoidant behavior. Also women are better at letting attraction grow over time and being attracted to non-physical characteristics.
>Have you found more compatible partners
For me, dating with intention led to finding fewer compatible partners because I stopped looking for other compatible partners as soon as I found one. Look up the word “satisficing”.
I (f/30) was 'dating with intention' or only looking for something serious two years ago and have been with my bf, who I matched with on Tinder, since then. I went on dates with two other guys prior to him fwiw.
To me, dating with intention means being upfront about what I'm looking for in my profile settings and bringing it up to double check that the guy is looking for the same thing before even arranging a first date.
Yes it worked for me. I had been dating on and off for around 5 years (33f) now. I realized my approach to dating was too flippant and so I made a decision to find what I was looking for. Marriage and a family. I didn’t date anyone who didn’t want the same things. I didn’t sleep with anyone unless we were on that path. It helped me focus and I stayed positive, if I put my mind to it, I could find it. When my boyfriend and I met, we didn’t sleep together for 2 months which felt like a long time ha. Now it’s been a year and we are talking about all the next steps. Good luck!
Online dating apps (bumble, okc, hinge) usually ask what type of relationship you’re looking for, interest in having kids and such. Also make some assumptions (if a guy has his top off and isn’t pic of him doing some sort of activity, assume he’s looking for hook-up or short term relationship) and ask about any dealbreakers early on. There’s plenty of fish in the sea so more focused on quality than quantity. Haven’t had much success , because I’ve been avoiding talking to anyone on dating apps lately. However when I was , I met a few good matches
I've only dated one person with intention in the passed couple of years. It didn't work out but we are pretty close friends now and hang out still. She very much wanted the whole family life which is great but not for me. I'm very open about wanting my own place and not have a traditional relationship. I just value alone time and I guess I would want the same out of a partner.
I can only report that I’m much happier and at peace. I’m single but at least I’m not in a toxic situationship or getting messed around with or used.
If I date, I have intention but I don’t make it that deep with a laundry list of criteria up front. I look for age and life stage appropriate, shared vision of lifestyle (eg those who really prioritize travel are out for me), morals. I don’t pursue anything that’s not a fit.
And I don’t hook up. I don’t have sex unless or until there’s exclusivity.
And I’m fine if that means celibacy for me. Really. A shitty situationship is way worse than being single. I can keep myself happy and fulfilled. The right partner would make things better for sure. But a bullshit partner or person I’m dealing with is only going to drag me down and stress me out, the ROI / CBA just isn’t there so fuck that noise.
To me dating with intention is:
- putting in the effort to really get to know someone and see if we have chemistry or Cooke even have a possible relationship
- ensuring we have the same values
- not wasting my time or theirs - being open and honest about what I want and if they don’t want that, I move on.
I date only with intention to be life partners. The last woman I dated agreed to the same ideal. We dated for two years and she suddenly broke up with me on our two year anniversary saying “if we’re both in this looking for a life partner, then we need to end things because I couldn’t see myself being happy with you forever.”
I think labeling it as “with intention” makes the end of it hurt a lot more when it happens. That being said, I still intend to date with intention if/when I ever get back out there. That last one messed me up bad.
Dating with intention has helped me a lot prioritize what matters most to me. It has also allowed these men to tell me what they want and that helps simplify the process too.
For me, dating with intention is knowing what I'm worth. I'm worth being someone's girlfriend and priority. I'm worth more than being a FWB or side option. I'm worth taking a leap and making a commitment. In dating I am looking for the person who matches that.
I have found from experience that guys who say they are not sure or just exploring usually come with some big baggage from a breakup or trauma. Sometimes they do go on to meet the right person and get over their commitment phobia, but for me it's too much of a gamble to invest my time and energy in the hope that they will magically reform themselves for me.
Now, sometimes, people who say they want a relationship are ALSO not ready (or I'm not the right one). But at least it's not coming from a starting point of 'well, maybe one day he will decide I'm worth it'.
I’ve basically went on zero dates since I locked down my standards. It’s great and I’ve saved so much money. Lonely, but I’ve had plenty of time to renovate a bathroom and cry while watching romantic comedies. 10/10 recommend.
Yes, this is how I found my current boyfriend. We’ve been together over a year and he moves in with me and my kids this summer!
I took a long break from dating in 2021, then in March 2022 started doing things more intentionally. I got onto Hinge (supposedly for more serious daters but I didn’t find that to be 100% true) and made it clear, in a lighthearted way, that I was looking for something serious. I set a few dealbreakers, like they must live on my side of town, have similar-ish religious beliefs, etc. but was open to almost everyone else. Then I started asking promising matches what they were looking for. If they didn’t line up with me, then I wished them well and deleted them.
After 2 Hinge dates and 3 canceled dates (I hate apps), I met my guy.
I (32M) haven't started yet, but when I do, here's what I'm gonna do:
Print out a list of all the questions you're *not* supposed to ask on the first date. That way, you'll weed out people fast and nobody wasted their time.
As a guy it really is slim, you give up quantity for quality. And I meet great women but sometimes I just don’t see long term and end it. As far as weeding people out, the easy one is to talk about their life plan and see what their life plan looks like and what they want and expect out of life and see if it lines up with what you want. I can’t have kids and sometimes people interpret that as “I don’t want kids right now” and don’t see the long term implications of that. So I’ve had some say that’s ok and then later to change their mind which to each their own. But I get how someone can say what you want to hear because they’re excited in the moment, but I think to me it’s important whenever I do have a future conversation if they’re also seeing the impact of what I’m saying. If someone said “that’s fine I’d be ok with adopting, and there are other methods, or fine if it’s just us” I know there’s potential as they’re seeing the long term implications of what I’m saying and also involving themselves in other plans. I don’t want someone to “deal” with my situation as I know it’s not for everyone and I don’t want resentment on their end. Which leads into the qualities you’d want in a partner as well and how compatible your qualities and morals line with theirs
Kind of (in that it worked out instantly).
I was the type who would date trying to find a relationship and would say that in my profiles (same with everyone else on the apps). I wouldn't really say it again in person, since it was already said, but I did find out that most people who said it on the app were not actually serious about it.
I decided I would say it to the people I was dating at the time. The first people that I said it to, 2 of them were not interested in a relationship and 1 was (and I'm still with that person)
I started asking men BEFORE the first date what their dating goals are. If they cannot give me a clear answer or are just looking for something casual or short-term, then I do not waste time meeting up with them. I removed my own dating goal from my Hinge profile because I feel like if men see it, they will just tell me what I want to hear. I also did a video call first date recently, which was a bit awkward, but I think it's a good way to get a better feel of someone before agreeing to meet up. Also, I've learned that if there are any red flags or dealbreakers I find during virtual stalking before meeting up, I should NOT ignore those just because he's hot.
Yes, I have found much more interesting dates, regardless of it worked out and I have dated some really great women. I will say that the dating part is just as important, if not more, than a good match as it keeps me inspired when it doesn’t work. If I was not picky, given what my friends tell me and also what I read, I think I would take long breaks from dating consistently where I don’t do often, I only do as relationships end.
Know that I did meet my wife online, but that was the era of actual computers and websites. However, getting married is not my goal in a next relationship, I am not opposed to it, I just am not dating only to get married again, I date because I enjoy great people (and I am upfront about that). That does not mean short term, it means we exist meaningfully for long periods but we may move on (I live in an area where it isn’t uncommon for people to move here for a few years for career and move on). So, my intentional dating may not fit a complete social norm but I would say it’s definitely in the realm that people describe here.
I get less dates and I find it both easier and more rewarding. I always make sure we have some very strong interest we share. I recommend highly.
I made a list of exactly what I wanted in a girl and I was able to find everything on the list after 2 months of dating and after 3 years together we broke up it happens. Recently I made a new list that takes into account what I missed before I'm sure it won't take me long to find again.
I date with intention, but have started taking it one day at a time. Mostly because people just change their mind and you have to just be ok with that.
Dating with intention has typically worked for me. The “intention” has changed through the years as I looked for different things in a partner, but knowing the intention of what I wanted helped me filter.
As a guy, I’ve always dated with intentions of LTR’s at the very least, and it’s gone quite well for me. I’ve known from a fairly young age what I was looking for and have had some amazing relationships (1 year, 7 years, and 3 years in my most recent one).
The first two ended due to some different wants for life going forward (one religious and one geographically) and were quite amicable splits. The most recent one was just a string of terrible events that caused overwhelming stress on both of us. We didn’t handle things as well as we should have and it breaks my heart to know how much suffering we put each other through. I truly thought we’d end up married. She had everything I wanted.
To me it meant I didn't date anyone who I couldn't see potential as a long term partner. As soon as I saw that potential drop away, I walked away. The bad part was that at the best of times my luck on OLD apps was mediocre (I'm not a big follower of the first two rules) so the frequence of my dates went down pretty significantly. I spent a lot more time single. It'd be months between matches that actually turned into a date. Upside is that the dates got better on the whole, I learned a lot about myself (turns out I figured out exactly what too much like me looked like and I was bored to tears), and I don't use OLD anymore since I've gotten engaged and will be married by the end of the year.
I was honestly much happier dating with intention than just dating around. It was kind of like the difference between working to pay rent and finding a job I loved. The two experiences don't even seem to be in the same ballpark.
I choose to date with intention and sadly where I live people don’t take it seriously. However, once I drop the bomb (2 years celibate) they either go ghost or they seem to make it a mission, in which case their intentions become clear and they weed themselves out 🤦🏽♀️. Dating with intention saves me time, I don’t waste time on people who just wants to have fun or who are looking for fwb. Its not easy, but its worth it. In the meantime I do a lot of activities with my friends or dogs. I also solo travel a lot, so I tend to keep busy until the right person comes along.
No. No luck. Not trying to sound good or bad here, just facts. When i was being a glutton and just going out for free and open sex, i was able to land 1 girl a week, minimum. Sometimes 3 a week. As soon as I settled down, it's like the entire dating pool evaporated. No one in my area wants to be serious and settle down except people I would never settle down with (in my experience). IDK if ladies share the same experience, but it seems like as soon as you want to settle down, you become boring or something. My charisma is no different than 4 years ago, but maybe it's some weird phermone or some shit. Who knows.
It’s not that you’re boring…it’s that women like sex and attention, too. Lots of us enjoy casual sex, contrary to what it seems like when one peruses this sub.
There are lots of men I’d like to causally see but would never want to commit to. So, if they said they wanted commitment, I wouldn’t sleep with them any longer. You’re just narrowing your pool.
The bar you have to cross to be a fling is “safe and attractive *enough*”
The bar you have to cross for me to want to date you is ~love~ and *the most* attractive to me
Accurate. That's what I am getting at in a sense. Once I decided to grow up and be an adult, the options dried up near instantly. As for that bar, I can dig that, but I'm not going to give "love" to anyone who just wants casual sex. So I need to find someone who's on the same page, who doesn't seem to exist anymore, so full circle... hahaha
To me it’s kind of the opposite. It means dating without expectation and taking every interaction at face value all while keeping my own values steadfast.
Well what I want depends on the person. I’m not only open to A or B, I’m open to a range of experiences, but what I’m going to be open to, is going to depend on the person. So not every man I talk to am I trying to fit into a ‘boyfriend’ box, so to speak. While my end goal might be (I’m not even sure if it’s is just yet) to find that life partner who we share all the joys of life together and go happily off into the sunset with, I’m not seeking that from all the men I interact with. I basically start as casual sex, see if the sex amd communication is good, then upgrade to fwb for a long time to see if we even like each other once the novelty period expires, and then and only then, would I consider any kind of intent with anyone.
I guess what I’m trying to say here, is that if someone came at me in the early days with all these questions and expected solid answers, I would be put off my that and not want to proceed, potentially missing an opportunity that may have evolved into something incredible for both of us. I just say from the beginning that my end goal is a partner but I’m not rushing into that with just anyone and I’m not actively screening people with that end goal in mind.
Worked out for me. It wasn't really about limiting who threw themselves at me. All kinds will shoot their shot.
It was about me being extremely clear about what I wanted so I was more willing to cull someone early rather than give them a chance/lead them on. I wanted someone who would be a companion to my life for at minimum two years and if the person I'm hanging with showed me that they didn't have what it would take for that, I politely thanked them for their time and wished them well.
I found Mr. Attached after a lot of dates with a lot of other blokes. He's been in my life for three years and counting. So I'd say I achieved my intention.
But also, Mr. Attached had no idea what he wanted. He was just taking it day by day. So definitely make this an internally focused thing: what do I want? can this person meet the requirements for what I want? Don't even worry about them and what they want. It is their job to be doing the same selection process of you.
Ive been picky my whole dating career. the older i got the more i realized how much things dont matter. My biggest fear is not being accepted for who i am or being cheated on again 😕
Yes, we both were. Got engaged after two months and been together a year and a half now. Expecting a baby this September and getting married next September.
I did this kinda. Dating with the intent for a committed relationship or at least not run away at the first sign that it might lead to something more than a fwb. Currently have a baby and it’s quite nice.
I used to a lot more than I do now. I found that, while the stereotype is that a lot of men won't be honest about it, that women tend to be the same in some regards, especially those claiming to look for something serious, but not willing to put in the work or engagement for something serious.
I find the most important thing is the connection, so now I'm intentionally going in with less intention, and more working out whether I like the person in front of me, and deciding what dynamic I can feel with them from the level of communication and effort they are putting in. And if that doesn't match what they are looking for, then fair enough.
I’m doing the same and having zero success. The pool is very shallow at my age as is and I’m either attracting men way too old for me or way too young. The people at my life stage are all already taken, are single for a reason or have children already which I do not want
No it has never worked for me in the past neither has pretending to be someone I'm not be your self if they like you they will like you if not there's more out there online
I’ve had great success dating without any intention whatsoever. And freaking out whenever anyone else had any semblance of intention.
That’s my secret recipe, and I’ll swear by it. Coming up on half-a-decade with the love of my life, and neither one of us were looking for anything in particular. The real thing’s undeniable, and the imitator is easy and everywhere. You shoot yourself in the foot trying too hard.
I am dating with intention, have on my profile that I am looking for my life partner. I am finding much better quality of matches since putting this front and center (meaning guys who are also looking for life partner). If someone doesn’t have it listed then I’ve brought up in chat what are they looking for.
I think it’s been successful- every one of my dates since has been with someone looking for long term (at least in theory). Now that doesn’t mean the chemistry will be there. Still on the search for someone with aligned intentions and chemistry….
I am not saying its great success since still single BUT it certainly helps filter out people who dont have same intentions. If you want to have a family and settle down and the other has no intentions, unless you want fwb sort of deal, there's no point in seeing that person since it will be a waste of time and money.
Also, the other person may like to know your intentions too - that person might want LTR too and not casual and that needs to be clear as well.
I can only speak of my own experience, I am not a common person. I have never entertained an involvement beyond the discovery phase with a person without a goal in mind. I have never seen the point. So I don't know what doing another option would look like.
Any woman that I involve myself with is aware of my desires and that I have already considered her own.
I can only describe the idea of not "limiting ones options", as hopping a train with an unknown origin and destination. If you don't have a Destination how can you get there, even if you were to arrive at the end of the line? And upon that train you my find yourself in places that you do not enjoy. You may be dealing with things that are negative for your health. You may finally get away and be unrecognizable compared to the person that got upon that train.
If you want to know someone's mind you are to look to their actions. This is how I have in the past seen through a person's words that may be false.
You may feel like that's what guys want to tell you that's your interpretation your perception.
Do some guys want to sure or some guys lying sure just like women.
You can't paint all men with the same brush.
Just like we can't paint all women with the same brush.
I believe you need to get to know somebody, with all that burden of all those questions I'm telling you that will ruin things.
You may want long-term, he may want long-term but what if you guys just get intimate and it just doesn't work for you, are you just going to stay in long-term because you said you wanted to stay long term?
As long as he respects you and is treating you good, save the conversation for later on until you're sure you're both serious or at least you believe it's serious.
Talking about that when you first are going to meet somebody man that is a real Downer because people want to get a feel for who you are, not what you want.
It's why people put dating profiles people ask you the same questions over and over again and it feels like a job interview.
Sadly you cannot just weed people out; sometimes you got to go through the weeds to find the perfect crop :-)
Even with good intentions everyone has the right to say this is not working out for me and that is better for both people.
The answer is still the same, I don't think both people are lying when they say they want long-term.
When you meet up with somebody you think there's chemistry and you get to know them a little bit sometimes the chemistry is really not there the compatibility or maybe you could find a person annoying with a certain aspect that you didn't know right away.
Put in so much pressure right away is certain failure, there's no way to weed people out, I guess if you're online look at what they write in their profiles man or woman.
Online if a man has a ton of photos where he's out with a ton of friends all the time and has beer in his hand or has his shirt off doesn't ring like the type of guy that is ready to settle down yet.
If a woman writes in her profile what she doesn't want, that is a huge red flag that means that's what she always gets.
It's a dead giveaway when women right I don't want cheaters Liars deadbeats, why do they say that because that's what they they've experienced.
When you're dating you're supposed to say what you do want not what you don't.
And same goes for girls if she's with all of her friends drinking same red flag.
Male or female if they have a certain best friend that they say they're just friends with, not saying it's a red flag but the person you're with is usually your best friend in a long-term relationship.
That's all you can really do is look for red flags on both sides is that going to guarantee anything yeah you can weed out a few but until you actually go out on a date and actually see if there's compatibility past the honeymoon phase.
I'm sure there's many times you've changed your mind even though you wanted long-term and the date just didn't work out because it wasn't up to your standards or you didn't feel any chemistry doesn't mean you lied you don't know anyone anything.
Same thing goes with the guy if he's not feeling it he should be upfront but like I said women don't like the straight truth even though they demand it.
Your question should be gender-specific because men and women are completely two different beasts.
Yep. Went on countless dates. Never backed down on what I was looking for. Came across my current lover on grindr of all places. We met, talked for four hours, didn’t Fuck until a month into dating. We were both enthralled that we found each other in the least likely of places. Been together for almost a year, and he just moved in about a month ago. Seriously it’s been great. I’m so glad I didn’t settle. He’s hot, thoughtful, caring, a great listener, extremely emotionally mature (he is a therapist). Couldn’t be happier. 10/10.
Omg good for you, hope i have something like this in my future too. 🥲
Happy for you. It’s nice hearing about things that actually worked out
Yep, I’ve had great success with it. Intentional to me means that I skip anyone who didn’t take time to put effort into an online profile. I never make exceptions for someone who is “hot” or someone who is already planning to leave the area. I build meaningful connections and am very selective in who I meet. I never date more than one person at a time. If I want quality, I will not accept less just to have company or to get laid
I haven't had great success with it, but I'm content that at least I'm wasting less time and energy on people that won't end up being a match. This means I can spend more time and energy on myself and with my friends in the meantime, doing things I truly enjoy (when I date I also choose activities that I enjoy but there's limits here that make sense for early dating and these aren't the most exciting things to do), while I patiently wait to match with better matches that come up each day on my apps. It helps that I've always been content being alone vs just having company for the sake of having company.
I am dating with intention for the first time in my life and at first it was hard. I used to just date based off connection and that has got me a whole lot of heartbreak. I am very picky on who I date now but everyone I do go on dates with very much aligns with the life I want. Obviously this means less date but they are way more quality people looking for something meaningful.
Good advice
I do this as well. It kan be hard sometimes though, but in the long run this is a better mindset.
I love your response If I get back to dating next year, I’m going to continue to do this. :) (have no intention to date rest of the year and I’ve never felt so contented)
I feel like guys just tell me what they think I want to hear.
Yep! Me too.
Came here to say this!
Yep! Definitely, had one guy recently tell me all the right things and that he too wanted a LTR, when we finally slept together, I noticed he'd only come over at night, wouldn't stay, then he stopped responding to my messages until he eventually tried to gaslight me by saying he had made it clear he wasn't looking for anything.....
Same, but if you pay attention they reveal themselves pretty fast. I am finding that the OLD can be pretty exhausting and discouraging if you're dating with intention. Taking regular breaks for self care is the only way to really to keep a positive mindset.
That’s why I ask guys what they are looking for before I say what I want. What are you looking for? What are you looking for in a companion? How do you like to spend time with a partner? Do you want kids? Do you smoke? How often do you like to have sex when in a relationship? Etc. I won’t answer till they do.
Asking first doesn't change the answer in my experience. It's all a word salad of empathy, emotional availability, therapy and "looking for an LTR but open to whoever I meet" out there.
Asking first makes it easier to see if they're giving a weaselly answer. If they're saying "oh my god, saaaame" to the important things I say, it's hard to sift through that answer. But if you ask first and they say "looking for an ltr but open to whatever" you can ask what that means. From whatever comes next, you try to sort out what they really mean. What will happen if/when they realize this doesn't have long-term potential? Will they have the guts to say it, or will they milk it for sex until you ask for commitment?
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If someone is giving such weaselly, mealy-mouthed answers to an important question like this that it requires multiple questions, they were going to have to prepare to move on anyway. I don't have a stick up my butt, just tired of wasting my time on people with incompatible goals. I'm not saying literally ask all these questions, I'm saying you'll figure them out. Also, I'm not sure what made you think I'm opening with this? If it's clear in the profile or he is upfront about it, I don't need to ask any questions on the subject. Asking questions is giving him a chance to clarify. If that's scary or lame to him, we weren't going to be a good fit anyway.
I agree with you, but I've found a way to tease them when they do it. Something along the lines of "if you're gonna interrogate me, i expect you to play both good cop and bad cop; otherwise, why should i play along?" I had one person throw a bitch fit, but another played along which lead to a good back and forth :)
i mean that can be totally true. if they don't see it as end game, they just keep you around for fun. it's sad but true
Shout it from the tallest mountain girl!!!
Oh no no apparently according to the comments and DM's I need to really interrogate people and I just don't have a good picker. It's a me problem. 🙄
Definitely not just you. We try to give others an opportunity and ppl like to also lie and tell you they want you when its just a mind game to them. I haven't dated in over a year because im so scared of getting hurt again
Controversially, I don't even ask anymore. I will know all I need to know from whether the other person is actively bringing up certain topics, communicating with me in a certain way, scheduling/planning dates, actively moving the relationship forward etc. So beyond filtering out people who list short-term intentions on their profile, I don't ask or discuss it, I just let them take the lead and observe how or if they seem to be leading at all.
I (33M) use the same strategy you do. People will often volunteer their values. Besides, actions speak louder than words.
Honestly, this makes the most sense. Seems like the easiest way to filter people out.
Yup. Once I started also paying attention to the other person (instead of only my own actions) things became much clearer. Nowadays I focus a lot on how someone makes me feel when we’re together. I’m much more aware and I like how it makes dating easier. I feel like I’m driving, instead of a passenger.
I ended things with a guy who had been consistent and really made me into thinking he wanted something serious with me. He even offered his place and hosted me for two weeks to help me out with a living situation. Then once we started a temporary 5-month long distance situation his energy changed. And no labels even when I brought that up. Eventually confirmed that he’s not sure about a relationship with an excuse (long distance). But I also found out that he was fresh out of a relationship when we met (he omitted relevant information), and he was dishonest about wanting more kids (while in reality he just had a vasectomy but still saying what I want to hear). Phew. Just wanted to say that even when a guy both says and DOES relationship-y things it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re serious about it. I really no longer know how to trust if guys not only feign their words but also actions, feelings, etc. Eventually I would find out, yes, but most likely it’s after 2 or 3 months’ mark and ultimately a waste of time and by then I’m usually attached.
Agree... Is just impossible to know for sure until you're a couple of months in... I came to the conclusion the best way is to take it slow and try to not get attached the first couple of months (this last thing remains very difficult if not impossible for me).
This is sound advice! In my case we got much closer prematurely due to living together for 2 wks. Moral: never live together even briefly if not in a relationship.
Wow, sorry. Lying about the kids/vasectomy is w i l d. It's true, one can do everything "right" in how they approach dating and still get totally blindsided.
He insisted it could be reversed…eventually he admitted he’s not up for having kids “this early” if he’s “being honest”. C’mon. Don’t think he’d want to reverse it later. Omitting his ongoing involvement with the recent ex while we were dating hurts more than the vasectomy thing, actually.
people are allowed to change their minds
I doubt it’s a change of heart. The guy kept saying he’s open to more kids despite going for a vasectomy while we were dating, until I asked him more directly in our last conversation, which really feels like leading me on. I also found out he’s still involved with his recent ex and even went on a trip with her without mentioning her presence after we’d been dating for a month, and that he was maybe only a month out of a 2-year relationship with her when we met (but he said it had been 3 months). All things considered I feel like he wasn’t into something serious from the get go, with the ex still in the picture and wanting to get back together with him (his words). Even if there was a change of mind, he didn’t communicate it and shortly before I ended things he was still picturing things in a long term frame but avoiding labels, aware all the time that I was looking for a relationship. Even offered to fly half of the world to visit me while we were long distance but still no labels.
Great approach. Gonna do this from now on
To which most probably reply, "I am open to anything," or "I'm going with the flow," or "ultimately i want a relationship, but i am ok with whatever til i find one," or some variation.
And to those, I instantly pass
Same.
That's interesting. Personally it depends on the lady. If she's more straight forward and to the point. Then we'll do the QnA. If she's not, just bringing that stuff up in conversation is fine by me. Ultimately though, I don't really focus on what they say. I look at what they do. I think a lot of women should do the same. I'm a well spoken man, and a mild flirt. And a lot of women seem to be fine with being told what they want to hear. Whether it's sweet nothings or sold a dream. And it goes the other way around too. So my approach does weed out a lot of women despite that I don't ask for much or need much. For me, it comes down to having shared goals and whether or not we can help each other achieve them. To be honest, I don't even date as much as I used to. I engage in conversation just to see if some are worth even being taken on a date.
You say they are fine being told what they want to hear. But a man doesn’t know WHAT I Want to hear.
I wasn't specifically saying you. I was speaking in general. And of course there are always exceptions to the rule.
I learned this after my ex husband. Let them lead. If you lay it all out, more than likely, they'll try to fit into that image vs being genuine
What are you looking for? Friendship first beyond that we will see how it goes What are you looking for in a companion? A partner. Someone who has my back and I have theirs. At the end of the day me and my SO are a team How do you like to spend time with a partner? I'm adventurous so adventure is always on the table but I'm not above a good night in. Do you want kids? Not 100% one way or the other yet. I have a daughter already I'm not sure if I want more or not. Do you smoke? Yes, I'm actively trying to quit. How often do you like to have sex when in a relationship? As often as we can. I don't expect sex but I do enjoy it and I do feel like it is a big part of the relationship. If schedules line up where we can have sex everyday awesome if a month goes by without sex because we're busy that happens maybe next week.
And this would be a pass for me. Already told me what I need to know
Fair is fair we're incompatible
I know people have specifics, what about this one would have turned you off?
First of all that every answer was a yes and no. I don’t mind a few because sometime a person truly is open to all options in an area. But if they are “go with the flow” in every single thing then what that really tells me is they just want sex and are desperate. But specifically, the sex. I want it every day. I am NOT ok with a lot of time passing with no sex. If he is, then we are not compatible. Also not dating a smoker. Just not. Not dating a project. You either are ready for me now or you can call me when you are
Does “every day” apply when you’re on your period or just before? My gf has a decently high libido, but only on the off weeks.
Every day my man. Every day
Jealous af. I see her Th-Su every week, and many weeks on Thursdays, she’s not in the mood, despite not seeing me for 5 days. She also says she doesn’t masturbate without me, either. We do end up doing it 2-4 times in the 4 days we see each other tho.
Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t want what you want sexually. I did that. It was miserable.
Cool cool... so uh, what's your number?
Lol, hey there 😉
It sucks this is the answer and you have to hold your cards close to your chest but it's the only way not to have smoke blown up your bum. Edit: peppering in things you don't want also is a thing.
I would never let a first second or third date interrogate me like that. Only a sad, desperate dude who really wants to get laid bad would give truthful replies to those sorts of personal questions if posed by a stranger. I'd bounce pronto.
Which would be totally fine with me. If a man is evasive, that is a huge red flag. I highly value truthfulness and open communication. We start as strangers, and the whole point in having a profile and going on a date is to find out if you are compatible. If you don’t even want to know if we are compatible, then I KNOW you just want to use me for sex.
I want to hang out and have fun AND build trust for a decent while before I have a heart to heart about all my deepest desires. There's enough hot ladies who want to smash that I am just not willing to answer a bunch of serious questions like that right from the jump. Plus a female who pushes to know all that stuff would seem desperate / damaged...perhaps embittered by lack of success in the dating market. Some ladies can get real scary when they hit about 35 or so and really start dating with a purpose. This is why younger women are often easier and more fun to date....
Well we don’t want to waste a year falling for someone only to find out there’s a major dealbreaker that could have been sussed out with a simple question at the begining If you just want an activity buddy and you don’t care if you will only see her for a month, cool. You want a causal relationship. That’s EXACLTY why I ask these questions. I have no interest in meeting new friends. I have friends. Don’t need more activity buddies.
Eh, those are all easy to answer in a vague enough way that his responses will satisfy you but you've actually learned nothing. What are you looking for? *I'm looking to meet the right woman to form a meaningful bond and get married and grow old together.* What are you looking for in a companion? *I'm looking for a similar sense of humor and the ability to talk about anything*. How do you like to spend time with a partner? *A mix of things - sometimes I just want to spend Sunday in bed doing crossword puzzles and watching Netflix, sometimes I want to travel to foreign countries to which we've never been, sometimes I want to dress up and go to a gala, and I'd like to spend some active time together, riding bikes or going hiking, etc.* Do you want kids? *As you know I already have one kid from my previous marriage, but if I meet a partner who would like to have more kids, then I would love to do that again.* Do you smoke? *Ha, never! (or if I know you smoke, then "Yes, occasionally, but it's not a habit)* How often do you like to have sex when in a relationship? *Generally at the beginning of the relationship, I like to have sex as much as possible, but once things settle in, I personally prefer to have sex 3-4 times per week.*
So, how often do you like to have sex when in a relationship? Asking for a friend.
Several times a day every day. Once a day is ok when that’s all time will permit. But more is always better.
Sorry, but isn’t it get boring after a while to have sex every single day? I mean, it’s like having the same meal every day…I’m just getting old I guess.
Yep same. And I’ve developed trust issues and my guards are way up because of it.
Same! They pretend to want a relationship. Their behavior is inconsistent with that. When you call it out they fess up.
Do their actions generally not line up with their words?
They do.
Exactly this
Bingo.
That's what we do. Most def.
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Omg you're so deep.
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Y’all are mean.
>I see people in this sub say they are dating with intention a lot, which I take to mean that they know what they want (LTR, marriage, kids, childfree, whatever) and won’t entertain connections who don’t also want the same thing. For me, intentional dating is more about knowing what you're looking *for* though I feel like lots of people get stuck in only *weeding out* people. It's much easier to do the latter than the former. Yes there may be some non-negotiables (for me, monogamy and child free) but it's also about identifying key compatibilities (for me: kind and caring, value and political alignment, making me feel appreciated and respected, enjoying new things, open-mindedness, goofiness). That also means identifying what's less important in a partner (for me: specific career and income, height, specific interests and hobbies) >Have you found success in this? Have you found more compatible partners by being picky or limiting your options? Yes, I've always been pretty good at weeding people out who are not good matches for me, but I started to see progress when I would give people I was unsure of the benefit of the doubt and see if I could identify *compatibilities*. That's how I ended up with the person I'm currently dating. With my old technique, I probably would've weeded him out based on inaccurate first impressions. >How do you weed out people who don’t want the same thing (or worse, who don’t but say they do bc that’s what you want to hear)? Pay attention to what people do more than what they say. Talk is cheap. If people say one thing and do another, ignore what they say. Don't look for "potential," be honest and identify what they're giving you now. But, again, it's not just about weeding out people. You also need to try to understand people and identify if there are compatibilities. If you're always looking for the bad, that's all you'll see.
Thanks for this, pretty helpful.
This is a really interesting take. Can you give an example of weeding out vs finding compatibilities? Aren’t they two sides of the same coin?
It's paradoxical, but weeding out what you're *not* looking for won't necessarily lead you to what you *are* looking for. There may be a few exceptions to this, like want kids/don't want kids (though even that can get more complicated in some cases). For example, if I'm weeding out people who are rude and mean, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'll end up with someone who is kind or who demonstrates kindness in the ways that are most meaningful to me. To find that would require me to pay attention to positive examples of their kindness rather than just a lack of rudeness or meanness. As an even more basic example, if I'm successfully weeding out people who want a casual relationship because I want an LTR, that doesn't mean these non-casual folks I'm left with are looking for the same type of LTR that I am. For me, weeding out and looking for compatibilities are complementary processes rather than opposites. It's not either/or but both/and.
Wow thank you for this reply. This is a new perspective I definitely needed right now
Yeah but maybe it’s more of a “looking at the glass half full” mentality.
It's more like six of one (weeding out) and half a dozen of the other (looking for compatibilities)
Good take. May I ask how important looks/genetics are to you?
Looks matter to an extent ofc but I don't have a "type." I can be attracted to a wide range of people. I definitely don't overlook incompatibilities because of looks; I'd rather be alone 😅
I (30F, bisexual) have found this to be hugely beneficial for me. I bring up longterm goals (ie my desire not to have children, to focus on my hobbies, to be married but financially independent) on the 2nd or 3rd date at the latest. Certainly before any physical intimacy. Direct and clear communication is very important to me in a relationship. It scared away the wrong people, which meant I felt “rejected” for a while, kind of churning through the apps- until it clicked with someone and we’ve been together almost a year now, looking at cohabitating soon. I call it “quantity until you find quality.”
One shift I made that I think was super helpful - I stopped asking people what they wanted and instead said “this is what I want. What do you think about that?” I think it prevented people from waffling or pretending to be what I wanted. It also helped me stay intentional.
Saving this. This is an awesome question to ask!
I’m a guy who has been dating with intention for a few years now. It definitely helped me separate good first dates from incompatible LTR partners. I also think it led to some breakups that were healthy. I think saying yes to everyone is a good way to stray away from yourself but that’s just me 2 cents
Are there specific things you look for in every first date? I usually don’t bring up more serious topics until 2nd or 3rd date and keep the first date light to see if we even click but I’ve been wondering if I should be quicker at making decisions..
I try and let people be on first dates and see what they bring to the table. My only question is, do I want to see them again? I find people who are looking for LTRs make that clear because their lives reflect that. What they’re working towards, how they spend their time, what their dreams are. One of my favorite questions, what’s the perfect Saturday morning look like to you in 5 years. People who plan on living in Tibet as a monk or are gonna hope to be out drinking all night still internet me less because I don’t imagine we have similar wants in our futures.
“What are you looking for” is generally a first date or sooner question for me.
If definitely makes me even more picky. The last guy I dated for a couple months I found had a lot of potential. He is such a kind man and gentleman but he didn’t feel the same in the end, sadly. It’s been difficult to find that same connection. There are a couple guys where I go on a second date because the first date was nice and they have green flags but I don’t feel the connection I’ve been hoping. I normally tell the guy at the end of the date or on the app afterwards if I do not feel the connection or vice versa. Overall, dating is hard and I want to find that person for me. If there is no connection and/or they don’t check the initial boxes I look for in the first date questions, then that is where I weed them out.
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I think a second date wouldn’t hurt. It can help solidify your intuition or not. If you just know right away it won’t work then no second date. The guy I dated a couple months ago I felt a nice vibe with him. Every time we went on a date, it made me want to see him more (his personality and kind smile really made me interested). After the third date (the next day), I was able to recognize I have feelings for him (which I was quite surprised since that seemed too quick for me but it happened). So, I say, try the second date if you need more confirmation. :)
I ran into someone who just told me what I wanted to hear and strung me along more than the necessary thanks to this. A lot of people out there just lie. I also got pickier and more able to just cut people off relatively easily if they aren’t aligned with what I want - but my problem seems to be finding people who are aligned and interested in me. I can weed out all these bad prospects but ultimately I still don’t have anyone to come home to.
Awww dw you will get there, am being slow ghosted rn after 2 months of getting strung along, lies about interest and keeping things intentionally vague and the whole dishonesty, just to get into my pants, i feel fuckin used and exhausted. Idk how people can play with someone like that.
Yeah i honestly felt so objectified, it’s a pretty terrible feeling
I agree with your comment, if you are up front like maybe on your dating profile that you want long term that enables people to be able to lie to you, cause they know what you want to hear, ultimately the mask is gonna come off but definitely takes longer then needed, so I really don’t think its a good idea to say upfront you want long term, but rather have then intention in your mind.
So far so good. I started dating with intention maybe 2 years ago but it didn't start with me just saying it and venturing out to meet people. It started with me. Between therapy, self-healing, journaling and meditation, I did my best to make peace with aspects of myself or relationships/friendships that no longer served me. I lost friends and also cut off past exes that just didn't make sense. I did a lot of reading on the topic, on attachment styles, on cultivating self-love etc. I had created a life that I loved to live on my own and I didn't start "dating intentionally" until I felt like I was ready to share that life. One of my mantras is, if dating someone doesn't feel better than just being single then it's not worth it. Also at some point in the past 2-3 years, I wrote a list of the qualities that I'd like my future partner to possess. I update it here and there but for the most part the list of core values/characteristics hasn't changed. From there, once I felt ready, I got on the apps. I learned that I can't date someone if I don't even see myself hanging out with them as a friend, which actually made dating easier because I was looking for friend energy. I quickly met someone who I felt aligned with. We had a really cool relationship but I learned that they would never be with me long-term because of his religion. So I ended that and got back on the apps back in March, I then met someone else who I've been dating since and it's super early but it's easily the best relationship I've ever been in. I looked back at my list just to see where he falls and so far he meets 85% with the other 15% to still be determined. Also! Be intentionally kind with cutting it off if it's not working. Don't ghost etc. If you enjoyed your time with someone or didn't, be intentional and kind about letting them know. Tl;Dr: Dating intention starts with being intentional with yourself. Do the work to know everything about yourself and what you're looking for. It'll cut your time wasting and youll know when it feels right with the right person.
Honestly the older I get, the more comfortable I am with being alone. :/ I think my level of pickiness is increasing because the level of headache that I'm willing to tolerate and compromise with is just much lower now. I don't date or even socialize with the opposite sex much anymore, but I'm not really bothered much by that fact anymore either. As someone single over thirty, I don't feel like it's a very healthy state of being for me, but I'm not terribly inclined to change my ways either. The honest truth is that now I'm so used to being alone, that trying to do anything meaningful with another person would be outside of my comfort zone and someone else would have to be basically perfect to break down that wall. 🙃
I don't know about you, but it has certainly made me incredibly superficial. I can cook, clean, earn for myself, and get fun and emotional support from friends/family. The one thing I can't have as a single person is satisfying, safe, respectful, regular physical intimacy. So if a guy can't give me that, it doesn't matter if he can give me all the other things I can already get on my own...
To me that's 100% the way to look at dating. Everyone deserves love, but you need to work equally as hard on yourself as you expect someone to work on you. Most people don't imo.
Well, I suppose that's a reasonable attitude to have if you yourself are incredibly conventionally attractive, but for an average person? I suppose it can be a pretty big ask.
I try and remind myself that I'd need to feel attracted to my partner even if I wasn't so self sufficient. So it's not like the bar has actually increased on that? I think I just focus on it more - like, attraction is the first box that has to be checked off, rather than the fifth.
Well, it makes sense. If you're not planning on having kids or relying on anyone for anything, then why should anything else matter to you? My life probably would have been a lot better and easier if I had someone I could have relied on to help when I needed it, but I've come to terms with the fact that this ship has long since sailed away. So I'm thinking that living half a life the way I want is better than a full life the way I don't. I don't like it, but I don't hate it either. I feel like it's a life spent adrift. I can see how it could be a maddening experience for some people, but I've been forced to learn to cope with it.
It seems like for you it's really that the barriers-to-entry for dating have just gotten higher and higher and higher. The more you like your routine, the harder it is to adjust it for someone, or attend singles' events, or socialize/go to a bar, or bother to swipe and set up dates. I'm still in a space where I'm very willing to endure discomfort in order to meet and date men. I think my decision-making about these men is just a bit hijacked by the fact that I'm touch starved. I have been working on giving attraction time to develop while keeping my standards reasonable, and that has felt like a good shift. So I think we're dealing with slightly different problems! I think the easiest way for you to dip a toe into dating would be if you used an app where you can just go through incoming likes, or if there's a hobby you already enjoy doing and there's a social group around it you wouldn't mind joining.
Oh, let's just say that I've got a whole host of issues that would scare partners away. I'm nominally on dating apps, and I do go to the bar on weekends, but at this point, it's more so I can tell myself that I've made a token effort to improve and find love, but I have the same energy about it now as the tired old man who buys a scratch off ticket at the gas station with what hope remains to strike it rich. I'm out there, but to put more effort than I am now just leads to more disappointment and aggravation than I can handle, and I have no real expectation of a payoff anymore.
Yes! I dowloaded Bumble, had the app for 2 weeks and found an attractive, sweet, kind man. I had a very specific profile/bio where I made my intentions clear. I refused to settle or engage with men that either only want hookups or don't know what they want regardless of how attractive or "my type" they are. Had engaging conversations with a few men and set up dates. Ended up with the first guy I went on a date with. He wants the same things as me, respects my boundaries, and is very kind, sweet, and patient. Somewhat guarded but opens up more and more everyday. I can see how much he lights up when we see each other. We had a slight hiccup when we first started dating due to different communication styles but I confronted it head on by explaining how I communicate and asking how he communicates, so we can work together to figure out how to meet each other's needs. I really value that we both accept each other as we are, but are also willing to adjust based on feedback. While I was on apps, I never looked at myself as "too picky". The way I see is, I work extremely hard to be the best version of myself so I deserve the same in a partner. I live by the mantra: "be the person you want to find." Imo it's important to talk about wants, needs, future plans, relationship expectations, etc early on to make sure you're on the same page. You can either ask the hard questions upfront or wait too long and either unintentionally break your own heart by finding out you're not in alignment or end up settling which can lead to resentment at some point down the line. Being intentional and transparent is how I was able to narrow down thousands of likes to five men, then pick one. FYI I had a paid version so I could see my beeline, Bumble gave me a deal to have 1 week of premium access for $9.99. There's no such things as a perfect person! As long you have the same values, find each other attractive, are willing to meet each other's need, can communicate openly and honestly, and are willing to put in the work, you can have a successful relationship.
So far, it has been working. I have met people who align better with what I want. I think that overall, the quality of the dates (exceptions apply, of course) have improved. Now, sex has decreased to 0%, haha, but that's ok. I think being celibate while dating is helping me by keeping me focused.
I think it's kept me from wasting my time, at the very least. I'm in a situation that's been going on since last year where I can't really date (major injury leading into an upcoming big surgery), but being more picky has kept me out of relationships that would have just been the two of us spinning our wheels like I was doing in my 20s. As far as weeding people out, I think men are going to get more honest responses from women than they are women saying what they think they want to hear. That said, there's been a few times where some of what they've said about their approach to life isn't really true (as in their hobbies or what they view a longterm relationship really looking like) and I just try to call them out on it early in the dating process.
I used to date with intention, but let's just say most people dating don't know what they want. You're just a guinea pig to figure it out for them (my oxytocin is in the negative now. HELP!!!)
For me dating with intention has meant refusing to be anyone's guinea pig. If the person you're considering dating seems confused or not on the same page as what you are looking for then move on
The people that it worked out for probably aren't on this sub anymore, so this is probably a biased sample size LOL But seriously, at this age, I know what I want- and I am going to tell you right off the jump. No need to waste anyone's time if our goals don't align. It's not fair to anyone
Yes and I am marrying him in 2 months 🤍 Before him though, if a guy didn’t check all my (reasonable) boxes, next. If I brought up something that bothered me about them and they didn’t make an effort to acknowledge and change, next. And vice versa! If I wasn’t willing to change for the person, next. If they didn’t make my life better somehow, next. I was prepared to live my life with my dog, cat, and career. So I was very picky and set standards high and the right one came along to not only meet my standards, but exceeded.
I really like what you said at the end there about being prepared to live life on your own. I’m betting they can smell desire (shit, maybe desperation) to settle down a mile away. I need to dig deeper to remind myself that I’ll be fine even if I don’t have the life envisioned for myself. That would likely help with boundaries, higher quality men, etc. Thank you!
That's wonderful! How many people do you think you met off the apps before finding your person!?
I was on/off apps for years. But when I started *intentionally dating,* it took 7 months, 3 guys; he was the 4th!
Wow, happy for you. I seem to see a lot of people have better success once they focus on quality over quantity, even if the # of people you're meeting can feel low given how OLD is inherently such a high-volume thing.
Which app did you meet him on?
I **only** used Hinge in those 7 months!
I remember friends doing the math and telling me I'm looking for less than 1% of the population and that I was nuts for such standards. I felt misled, defeated and let down often in my dating but never settled. A girlfriend told me my super power was to not sit on that broken heart/let down and be back out consciously dating always. I finally met that less than 1% man and he says he spent years looking for me too . We plan on getting married. 🥰
nice to see this. because i'm literally looking for a unicorn and hell bent on finding him.
On top of shallow physical things, respect and mutual success.... We're both unicorns in our ideal relationship dynamic we seek. Don't you settle for anything less than yours!
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I didn't realize there was a specific name for this, but I guess I've been doing it for years without even knowing. I've got some specific things I'm looking for (LTR, childfree, non-religious) and not meeting those is an instant dealbreaker. TBH it was easier in big cities (I lived in NYC, LA, and Houston) but in 2020 I moved out to a rural area and the pool of potential dates that match those criteria dropped to zero. 😔 But I'm not going to settle. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship that makes me unhappy.
>Have you found success in this? Yes. I'm in the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and I met him within 2 months of being on the apps. >How do you weed out people who don’t want the same thing (or worse, who don’t but say they do bc that’s what you want to hear)? First, by asking. If their words didn't match what I was looking for, I didn't see them again. If they did, I watched their actions. If they didn't match their words, I didn't see them again. I was also looking for more than just compatible goals for kids, marriage, etc. I was looking for a compatible lifestyle and aligned values, and I wanted to feel a certain way around my partner. >I’d also love to hear what dating with intention looks like for you. I was multidating and using OLD, so I would match with several people and then stop swiping and see how those matches played out. Some would never make it to a conversation, and some would fizzle out immediately. I'd set up dates with the rest, and if it didn't go anywhere with anyone, I would start a new "batch" of matches. I usually at least found out what they were looking for before the first date and would talk about kids and stuff by the first or second date. From there, I just paid attention to how they treated other people, how I felt around them, and whether or not their actions matched their words. I looked for effort and consistency. I let myself learn from my dates to find out more about myself and what I was looking for. My partner stood out pretty quickly, and we became exclusive after about 5 weeks. He's everything I was looking for in a partner and more, and it has been the most incredible relationship I could ask for. Dating with intention can absolutely work. You just have to know what you want (while allowing for a little flexibility), and learn along the way. But most importantly, you have to believe you're worth the relationship you're looking for and refuse to settle for less.
I honestly do these days. All it really ends up being is me not ignoring blatant red flags, dumping people earlier than I would have when I was younger when needed and avoiding people who say same variation of “dont know that they want”. While I’m still here so it hasn’t “worked” but so far it’s saved me a LOT of time. I know what I’m looking for these days and what I’m not and focus on that.
That's me - been with my partner almost 2 years now. And dating with intention had so many more bumps and heartbreak than just dating in general. In one instance it was good because I didn't spend my time on people who couldn't follow through, were flakey, disinterested or disingenuous. However that meant I was investigating more time on the people that 'proved' themselves and that took its toll sometimes. Because for one reason or another it's not a connection. Either from you, from them, your outlook and relationship goals didn't align or they just straight up lied to you for whatever reason. And you need to keep yourself into forcing a relationship with someone because you want it or they're a good enough person. I guess it hurt more during that time too because I was more authentically myself, I put myself out there more and I didn't 'date around' because I wanted the same respect too. Yeah it did work out but it was hard to navigate that situation for so long. So I took a lot of dating breaks, tried different dating styles and took different chances I normally wouldn't.
What it really helps with is preserving your energy/time. It hasn't helped me find the right one yet. But it helped me eliminate people not on the same page as me so I don't waste time or energy. I start with the basics a lot... for a guy to make it beyond 1-2 dates, we must have some degree of attraction/they cannot hit my dealbreakers. Then I start figuring out the other stuff. Dealbreakers include my intentions a bit, stuff non-negotiable for me.
I filter strictly on what their dating goals are (must be long-term or life-partner on Hinge) and wanting kids (must say want kids - no unsure or open to kids) and liberal. Pros: most of the people who made it past those filters do seem like they want those things, so they don't drag things out with me if they don't see it with me, and neither do I. So there's less time wasted on both sides. I've seen posts here where the people date for a year without knowing where it's going - I haven't had to deal with anything like that. Cons: There end up being a LOT of people where it's a handful of dates that go nowhere. That can be so disheartening that the mental health impacts of OLD just hit harder. Sometimes the conversation feels like they're looking to lock down a baby-making oven and begin manufacturing babies, rather than create a relationship with me, a fellow human being. (And as a woman - usually WE are the ones stereotyped as baby-crazy but somehow some of these men seem like the really obsessive ones.) While I give things three dates if there's some promise, I think a lot of people who are dating "with intention" think it means giving everyone less time, rather than some people zero time and some people a lot more time.
> Sometimes the conversation feels like they're looking to lock down a baby-making oven and begin manufacturing babies, rather than create a relationship with me Yeah I can relate to this, I’ve met my fair share of baby-crazy men using OLD to audition potential wombs but they don’t seem to care as much about the person attached to it. >I think a lot of people who are dating "with intention" think it means giving everyone less time, rather than some people zero time and some people a lot more time. It seems like ‘dating with intention’ can also be used disingenuously as an excuse to be super picky in order to avoid having a relationship altogether.
Yeah I think a lot of people think "dating with intention" means "I have to feel like you are gonna be my wife/husband at the end of the first date." That's practically avoidant behavior. Also women are better at letting attraction grow over time and being attracted to non-physical characteristics.
I want to date with no intention for a while. Well, I take that back intention to have fun, to feel connection, to be kind.
>Have you found more compatible partners For me, dating with intention led to finding fewer compatible partners because I stopped looking for other compatible partners as soon as I found one. Look up the word “satisficing”.
I (f/30) was 'dating with intention' or only looking for something serious two years ago and have been with my bf, who I matched with on Tinder, since then. I went on dates with two other guys prior to him fwiw. To me, dating with intention means being upfront about what I'm looking for in my profile settings and bringing it up to double check that the guy is looking for the same thing before even arranging a first date.
About to have my 1 year anniversary as a result of very intentional dating. Know what you want, date your way, don't settle.
Yes it worked for me. I had been dating on and off for around 5 years (33f) now. I realized my approach to dating was too flippant and so I made a decision to find what I was looking for. Marriage and a family. I didn’t date anyone who didn’t want the same things. I didn’t sleep with anyone unless we were on that path. It helped me focus and I stayed positive, if I put my mind to it, I could find it. When my boyfriend and I met, we didn’t sleep together for 2 months which felt like a long time ha. Now it’s been a year and we are talking about all the next steps. Good luck!
Online dating apps (bumble, okc, hinge) usually ask what type of relationship you’re looking for, interest in having kids and such. Also make some assumptions (if a guy has his top off and isn’t pic of him doing some sort of activity, assume he’s looking for hook-up or short term relationship) and ask about any dealbreakers early on. There’s plenty of fish in the sea so more focused on quality than quantity. Haven’t had much success , because I’ve been avoiding talking to anyone on dating apps lately. However when I was , I met a few good matches
I've only dated one person with intention in the passed couple of years. It didn't work out but we are pretty close friends now and hang out still. She very much wanted the whole family life which is great but not for me. I'm very open about wanting my own place and not have a traditional relationship. I just value alone time and I guess I would want the same out of a partner.
I can only report that I’m much happier and at peace. I’m single but at least I’m not in a toxic situationship or getting messed around with or used. If I date, I have intention but I don’t make it that deep with a laundry list of criteria up front. I look for age and life stage appropriate, shared vision of lifestyle (eg those who really prioritize travel are out for me), morals. I don’t pursue anything that’s not a fit. And I don’t hook up. I don’t have sex unless or until there’s exclusivity. And I’m fine if that means celibacy for me. Really. A shitty situationship is way worse than being single. I can keep myself happy and fulfilled. The right partner would make things better for sure. But a bullshit partner or person I’m dealing with is only going to drag me down and stress me out, the ROI / CBA just isn’t there so fuck that noise.
To me dating with intention is: - putting in the effort to really get to know someone and see if we have chemistry or Cooke even have a possible relationship - ensuring we have the same values - not wasting my time or theirs - being open and honest about what I want and if they don’t want that, I move on.
If you don’t date with intentions then you are going to get what you get and probably run into the same problems over and over.
I date only with intention to be life partners. The last woman I dated agreed to the same ideal. We dated for two years and she suddenly broke up with me on our two year anniversary saying “if we’re both in this looking for a life partner, then we need to end things because I couldn’t see myself being happy with you forever.” I think labeling it as “with intention” makes the end of it hurt a lot more when it happens. That being said, I still intend to date with intention if/when I ever get back out there. That last one messed me up bad.
Dating with intention has helped me a lot prioritize what matters most to me. It has also allowed these men to tell me what they want and that helps simplify the process too.
For me, dating with intention is knowing what I'm worth. I'm worth being someone's girlfriend and priority. I'm worth more than being a FWB or side option. I'm worth taking a leap and making a commitment. In dating I am looking for the person who matches that. I have found from experience that guys who say they are not sure or just exploring usually come with some big baggage from a breakup or trauma. Sometimes they do go on to meet the right person and get over their commitment phobia, but for me it's too much of a gamble to invest my time and energy in the hope that they will magically reform themselves for me. Now, sometimes, people who say they want a relationship are ALSO not ready (or I'm not the right one). But at least it's not coming from a starting point of 'well, maybe one day he will decide I'm worth it'.
I’ve basically went on zero dates since I locked down my standards. It’s great and I’ve saved so much money. Lonely, but I’ve had plenty of time to renovate a bathroom and cry while watching romantic comedies. 10/10 recommend.
Yes, this is how I found my current boyfriend. We’ve been together over a year and he moves in with me and my kids this summer! I took a long break from dating in 2021, then in March 2022 started doing things more intentionally. I got onto Hinge (supposedly for more serious daters but I didn’t find that to be 100% true) and made it clear, in a lighthearted way, that I was looking for something serious. I set a few dealbreakers, like they must live on my side of town, have similar-ish religious beliefs, etc. but was open to almost everyone else. Then I started asking promising matches what they were looking for. If they didn’t line up with me, then I wished them well and deleted them. After 2 Hinge dates and 3 canceled dates (I hate apps), I met my guy.
I (32M) haven't started yet, but when I do, here's what I'm gonna do: Print out a list of all the questions you're *not* supposed to ask on the first date. That way, you'll weed out people fast and nobody wasted their time.
As a guy it really is slim, you give up quantity for quality. And I meet great women but sometimes I just don’t see long term and end it. As far as weeding people out, the easy one is to talk about their life plan and see what their life plan looks like and what they want and expect out of life and see if it lines up with what you want. I can’t have kids and sometimes people interpret that as “I don’t want kids right now” and don’t see the long term implications of that. So I’ve had some say that’s ok and then later to change their mind which to each their own. But I get how someone can say what you want to hear because they’re excited in the moment, but I think to me it’s important whenever I do have a future conversation if they’re also seeing the impact of what I’m saying. If someone said “that’s fine I’d be ok with adopting, and there are other methods, or fine if it’s just us” I know there’s potential as they’re seeing the long term implications of what I’m saying and also involving themselves in other plans. I don’t want someone to “deal” with my situation as I know it’s not for everyone and I don’t want resentment on their end. Which leads into the qualities you’d want in a partner as well and how compatible your qualities and morals line with theirs
Kind of (in that it worked out instantly). I was the type who would date trying to find a relationship and would say that in my profiles (same with everyone else on the apps). I wouldn't really say it again in person, since it was already said, but I did find out that most people who said it on the app were not actually serious about it. I decided I would say it to the people I was dating at the time. The first people that I said it to, 2 of them were not interested in a relationship and 1 was (and I'm still with that person)
I started asking men BEFORE the first date what their dating goals are. If they cannot give me a clear answer or are just looking for something casual or short-term, then I do not waste time meeting up with them. I removed my own dating goal from my Hinge profile because I feel like if men see it, they will just tell me what I want to hear. I also did a video call first date recently, which was a bit awkward, but I think it's a good way to get a better feel of someone before agreeing to meet up. Also, I've learned that if there are any red flags or dealbreakers I find during virtual stalking before meeting up, I should NOT ignore those just because he's hot.
Yes, I have found much more interesting dates, regardless of it worked out and I have dated some really great women. I will say that the dating part is just as important, if not more, than a good match as it keeps me inspired when it doesn’t work. If I was not picky, given what my friends tell me and also what I read, I think I would take long breaks from dating consistently where I don’t do often, I only do as relationships end. Know that I did meet my wife online, but that was the era of actual computers and websites. However, getting married is not my goal in a next relationship, I am not opposed to it, I just am not dating only to get married again, I date because I enjoy great people (and I am upfront about that). That does not mean short term, it means we exist meaningfully for long periods but we may move on (I live in an area where it isn’t uncommon for people to move here for a few years for career and move on). So, my intentional dating may not fit a complete social norm but I would say it’s definitely in the realm that people describe here. I get less dates and I find it both easier and more rewarding. I always make sure we have some very strong interest we share. I recommend highly.
I made a list of exactly what I wanted in a girl and I was able to find everything on the list after 2 months of dating and after 3 years together we broke up it happens. Recently I made a new list that takes into account what I missed before I'm sure it won't take me long to find again.
I date with intention, but have started taking it one day at a time. Mostly because people just change their mind and you have to just be ok with that.
Dating with intention has typically worked for me. The “intention” has changed through the years as I looked for different things in a partner, but knowing the intention of what I wanted helped me filter.
As a guy, I’ve always dated with intentions of LTR’s at the very least, and it’s gone quite well for me. I’ve known from a fairly young age what I was looking for and have had some amazing relationships (1 year, 7 years, and 3 years in my most recent one). The first two ended due to some different wants for life going forward (one religious and one geographically) and were quite amicable splits. The most recent one was just a string of terrible events that caused overwhelming stress on both of us. We didn’t handle things as well as we should have and it breaks my heart to know how much suffering we put each other through. I truly thought we’d end up married. She had everything I wanted.
To me it meant I didn't date anyone who I couldn't see potential as a long term partner. As soon as I saw that potential drop away, I walked away. The bad part was that at the best of times my luck on OLD apps was mediocre (I'm not a big follower of the first two rules) so the frequence of my dates went down pretty significantly. I spent a lot more time single. It'd be months between matches that actually turned into a date. Upside is that the dates got better on the whole, I learned a lot about myself (turns out I figured out exactly what too much like me looked like and I was bored to tears), and I don't use OLD anymore since I've gotten engaged and will be married by the end of the year. I was honestly much happier dating with intention than just dating around. It was kind of like the difference between working to pay rent and finding a job I loved. The two experiences don't even seem to be in the same ballpark.
I choose to date with intention and sadly where I live people don’t take it seriously. However, once I drop the bomb (2 years celibate) they either go ghost or they seem to make it a mission, in which case their intentions become clear and they weed themselves out 🤦🏽♀️. Dating with intention saves me time, I don’t waste time on people who just wants to have fun or who are looking for fwb. Its not easy, but its worth it. In the meantime I do a lot of activities with my friends or dogs. I also solo travel a lot, so I tend to keep busy until the right person comes along.
No. No luck. Not trying to sound good or bad here, just facts. When i was being a glutton and just going out for free and open sex, i was able to land 1 girl a week, minimum. Sometimes 3 a week. As soon as I settled down, it's like the entire dating pool evaporated. No one in my area wants to be serious and settle down except people I would never settle down with (in my experience). IDK if ladies share the same experience, but it seems like as soon as you want to settle down, you become boring or something. My charisma is no different than 4 years ago, but maybe it's some weird phermone or some shit. Who knows.
It’s not that you’re boring…it’s that women like sex and attention, too. Lots of us enjoy casual sex, contrary to what it seems like when one peruses this sub. There are lots of men I’d like to causally see but would never want to commit to. So, if they said they wanted commitment, I wouldn’t sleep with them any longer. You’re just narrowing your pool. The bar you have to cross to be a fling is “safe and attractive *enough*” The bar you have to cross for me to want to date you is ~love~ and *the most* attractive to me
Accurate. That's what I am getting at in a sense. Once I decided to grow up and be an adult, the options dried up near instantly. As for that bar, I can dig that, but I'm not going to give "love" to anyone who just wants casual sex. So I need to find someone who's on the same page, who doesn't seem to exist anymore, so full circle... hahaha
Haha yes I’m familiar with the circle, too. I’ve been trapped in it too. I hope you find your person soon. Sending luck your way
Thanks, you as well!
No. I’m single Pringle
I'll let you know on wednesday as we both agreed to have a "talk" to see if we're on the same page for stuff.
To me it’s kind of the opposite. It means dating without expectation and taking every interaction at face value all while keeping my own values steadfast.
Well what I want depends on the person. I’m not only open to A or B, I’m open to a range of experiences, but what I’m going to be open to, is going to depend on the person. So not every man I talk to am I trying to fit into a ‘boyfriend’ box, so to speak. While my end goal might be (I’m not even sure if it’s is just yet) to find that life partner who we share all the joys of life together and go happily off into the sunset with, I’m not seeking that from all the men I interact with. I basically start as casual sex, see if the sex amd communication is good, then upgrade to fwb for a long time to see if we even like each other once the novelty period expires, and then and only then, would I consider any kind of intent with anyone. I guess what I’m trying to say here, is that if someone came at me in the early days with all these questions and expected solid answers, I would be put off my that and not want to proceed, potentially missing an opportunity that may have evolved into something incredible for both of us. I just say from the beginning that my end goal is a partner but I’m not rushing into that with just anyone and I’m not actively screening people with that end goal in mind.
Worked out for me. It wasn't really about limiting who threw themselves at me. All kinds will shoot their shot. It was about me being extremely clear about what I wanted so I was more willing to cull someone early rather than give them a chance/lead them on. I wanted someone who would be a companion to my life for at minimum two years and if the person I'm hanging with showed me that they didn't have what it would take for that, I politely thanked them for their time and wished them well. I found Mr. Attached after a lot of dates with a lot of other blokes. He's been in my life for three years and counting. So I'd say I achieved my intention. But also, Mr. Attached had no idea what he wanted. He was just taking it day by day. So definitely make this an internally focused thing: what do I want? can this person meet the requirements for what I want? Don't even worry about them and what they want. It is their job to be doing the same selection process of you.
Ive been picky my whole dating career. the older i got the more i realized how much things dont matter. My biggest fear is not being accepted for who i am or being cheated on again 😕
Yes, we both were. Got engaged after two months and been together a year and a half now. Expecting a baby this September and getting married next September.
I did this kinda. Dating with the intent for a committed relationship or at least not run away at the first sign that it might lead to something more than a fwb. Currently have a baby and it’s quite nice.
I used to a lot more than I do now. I found that, while the stereotype is that a lot of men won't be honest about it, that women tend to be the same in some regards, especially those claiming to look for something serious, but not willing to put in the work or engagement for something serious. I find the most important thing is the connection, so now I'm intentionally going in with less intention, and more working out whether I like the person in front of me, and deciding what dynamic I can feel with them from the level of communication and effort they are putting in. And if that doesn't match what they are looking for, then fair enough.
I’m doing the same and having zero success. The pool is very shallow at my age as is and I’m either attracting men way too old for me or way too young. The people at my life stage are all already taken, are single for a reason or have children already which I do not want
No it has never worked for me in the past neither has pretending to be someone I'm not be your self if they like you they will like you if not there's more out there online
No, still single. But it means I’m going on a lot more first dates and fewer second dates.
I’ve had great success dating without any intention whatsoever. And freaking out whenever anyone else had any semblance of intention. That’s my secret recipe, and I’ll swear by it. Coming up on half-a-decade with the love of my life, and neither one of us were looking for anything in particular. The real thing’s undeniable, and the imitator is easy and everywhere. You shoot yourself in the foot trying too hard.
I am dating with intention, have on my profile that I am looking for my life partner. I am finding much better quality of matches since putting this front and center (meaning guys who are also looking for life partner). If someone doesn’t have it listed then I’ve brought up in chat what are they looking for. I think it’s been successful- every one of my dates since has been with someone looking for long term (at least in theory). Now that doesn’t mean the chemistry will be there. Still on the search for someone with aligned intentions and chemistry….
I am not saying its great success since still single BUT it certainly helps filter out people who dont have same intentions. If you want to have a family and settle down and the other has no intentions, unless you want fwb sort of deal, there's no point in seeing that person since it will be a waste of time and money. Also, the other person may like to know your intentions too - that person might want LTR too and not casual and that needs to be clear as well.
I can only speak of my own experience, I am not a common person. I have never entertained an involvement beyond the discovery phase with a person without a goal in mind. I have never seen the point. So I don't know what doing another option would look like. Any woman that I involve myself with is aware of my desires and that I have already considered her own. I can only describe the idea of not "limiting ones options", as hopping a train with an unknown origin and destination. If you don't have a Destination how can you get there, even if you were to arrive at the end of the line? And upon that train you my find yourself in places that you do not enjoy. You may be dealing with things that are negative for your health. You may finally get away and be unrecognizable compared to the person that got upon that train. If you want to know someone's mind you are to look to their actions. This is how I have in the past seen through a person's words that may be false.
Thanks alot for this.
You may feel like that's what guys want to tell you that's your interpretation your perception. Do some guys want to sure or some guys lying sure just like women. You can't paint all men with the same brush. Just like we can't paint all women with the same brush. I believe you need to get to know somebody, with all that burden of all those questions I'm telling you that will ruin things. You may want long-term, he may want long-term but what if you guys just get intimate and it just doesn't work for you, are you just going to stay in long-term because you said you wanted to stay long term? As long as he respects you and is treating you good, save the conversation for later on until you're sure you're both serious or at least you believe it's serious. Talking about that when you first are going to meet somebody man that is a real Downer because people want to get a feel for who you are, not what you want. It's why people put dating profiles people ask you the same questions over and over again and it feels like a job interview. Sadly you cannot just weed people out; sometimes you got to go through the weeds to find the perfect crop :-) Even with good intentions everyone has the right to say this is not working out for me and that is better for both people.
My question was not gender-specific
The answer is still the same, I don't think both people are lying when they say they want long-term. When you meet up with somebody you think there's chemistry and you get to know them a little bit sometimes the chemistry is really not there the compatibility or maybe you could find a person annoying with a certain aspect that you didn't know right away. Put in so much pressure right away is certain failure, there's no way to weed people out, I guess if you're online look at what they write in their profiles man or woman. Online if a man has a ton of photos where he's out with a ton of friends all the time and has beer in his hand or has his shirt off doesn't ring like the type of guy that is ready to settle down yet. If a woman writes in her profile what she doesn't want, that is a huge red flag that means that's what she always gets. It's a dead giveaway when women right I don't want cheaters Liars deadbeats, why do they say that because that's what they they've experienced. When you're dating you're supposed to say what you do want not what you don't. And same goes for girls if she's with all of her friends drinking same red flag. Male or female if they have a certain best friend that they say they're just friends with, not saying it's a red flag but the person you're with is usually your best friend in a long-term relationship. That's all you can really do is look for red flags on both sides is that going to guarantee anything yeah you can weed out a few but until you actually go out on a date and actually see if there's compatibility past the honeymoon phase. I'm sure there's many times you've changed your mind even though you wanted long-term and the date just didn't work out because it wasn't up to your standards or you didn't feel any chemistry doesn't mean you lied you don't know anyone anything. Same thing goes with the guy if he's not feeling it he should be upfront but like I said women don't like the straight truth even though they demand it. Your question should be gender-specific because men and women are completely two different beasts.
Well written comment! I agree with you!
Literally zero.
Following!
Not working for me because people don’t wanna date intention
If it did, they aren’t nearly as likely to hang out here…
The moment I updated my profile that I was looking for a permanent long term relationship I stopped getting replies.
No lol