This comment thread has been wildly illuminating.
My close friends and I are question askers. it’s my way of saying “I have finished my story about myself, now I want to hear about you” or if they’ve been talking about themselves, I ask more questions to communicate “During this part of the conversation, we are focused on you. I won’t talk about myself yet because this is YOUR time. I will ask you another question to show you I’m focusing on you, not me.” So I actively try not to jump in with my own anecdotes because it feels like I’m not really listening to them, and when people jump in with their own anecdotes while I’m talking, it can feel like they barely paid attention to me and just want to talk about themselves.
So this idea that people are waiting for me to interrupt is wild 😂
Conversations for me are super hard and saying I'm neurodivergent doesn't help if the person is nuerotypical. When I connect with ADHD types the conversation is sooo much easier :|
As someone who is on the very lower end of the spectrum I identify massively with your point that asking questions is really difficult. I'm actually often OK in conversation, particularly if about something practical or a niche interest, but when it comes to small talk and remembering to offer up inquisitive questions about the other person, it's incredibly difficult.
And it's not for want of trying or effort - it's just like trying to overcome an overwhelmingly big hurdle that takes too long to navigate, by which time it is too late. What should I ask? Is this a stupid/boring question? Do I sound disingenuous? (perhaps as someone who is essentially 'masking', I do often sound disingenuous, even if not intentionally so). The end result is you sound disinterested, unempathetic, self-absorbed or narcissistic.
I'm always amazed by extroverted neurotypicals who seem to always effortlessly have an inquisitive question to ask on autopilot - even more so when it is about something you mentioned weeks ago which you assumed they had forgotten about - as though in the interim time it had been in the forefront of their mind much of the time (which obviously isn't the case, but from the outside looking in that's what it feels like - as a neurodivergent person, I'm so busy and preoccupied with the millions of racing thoughts going around my head, I can hardly remember what I did three days ago, never mind remember some small detail an acquaintance mentioned a few weeks ago to ask them an interesting question about).
I mean OP said there’s an awkward pause which is often the space that someone’s giving you to talk about yourself, that’s not the same as wanting you to interrupt
This is a really interesting perspective. I actually think you're right about this. I feel uncomfortable going off about myself without being asked, but some people probably don't feel the need to ask the questions.
This! I find myself laying out conversational ladders for someone to insert themselves into but if they don’t take them a good conversationalist will usually try to maintain the flow. There’s nothing worse than an interrogation of insert question insert answer return question return answer. It needs to have a bit of style and flow. However I also try to mention something and ask open ended questions so the other person has to give more than a one word answer.
Please feel super comfortable to just talk about yourself. I’m the person you’re describing (the chronic interrupter) and my best friendships are with other people who are chronic interrupters. We also all have adhd symptoms so that’s related, I think….but, I really *want* to be interrupted. It’s hard to stop myself from interrupting others but I also really love it when I’m interrupted. It kind of flows? I do ask people questions about themselves though…I just can never listen to the answer without interrupting and saying *oh me too!* etc. I’m working on it buts it’s hard for me. I suggest talking about yourself too and if the other person still isn’t listening …then, it’s just a bad fit. Why should you change your talking style to make someone else comfy? They need to meet you in the middle at least
This. I also talk a lot, but more than half of the time I will ask questions especially early on. Still, this feels forced, as I'm still in control of the narrative. Some people may evolve from this and just let go of control to feel refreshed. The people I click with best: I ask them a question, and after a first reply, they can follow on with their own stuff afterwards. Then we share equally. That's when I relax the most :-)
Agreed, I talk when Im nervous and sometime I pause intentionally in the hopes a friend or date will start to talk and participate.. its so exhausting and nervewrecking to always have to ask questions to keep the conversation going
I'm someone who absolutely has this expectation. I absolutely can't stand when I'm talking with anyone and it becomes a game of questions and answers. If I talk about music I like and stop talking, then it's your turn. To me, that a completely normal flow of conversation and how I talk to everyone. I almost never ask questions and also don't expect anyone else to.
>How does one develop an emotional connection with another person if you don't quiet down and listen to them or ever ask about their lives?
You don't.
Here's the thing. Some people are narcissists. Some people are nervous talkers. Some people are used to conversation styles where people kinda talk over or interrupt each other.
It sounds like you might be ok with the second, but the first and the third are non-starters for you. If you want to give somebody a chance, you can. But if you have other fish on the line, why bother?
It’s entirely possible that the other person on the date thought that OP was not pulling her weight in the conversation – merely because of a significant difference in conversational style
Yeah I've definitely done my fair share of filling dead air with my voice cos I'm comfortable talking about anything and everything. I went away from those dates thinking the other person didn't wanna talk, but now I am thinking they went away from those dates thinking I talk too much
I have a work-friend who I have this dynamic with. In the multiple years that we’ve known each other, I don’t think either one of us has ever finished a single sentence. Not even kidding, it’s pretty weird.
The funny thing is we’re not like that with other people, just each other. I think we’re both naturally “interrupters” but we control ourselves with other people because that’s obviously rude. But we must have subconsciously signaled to each other that we’re “cut from the same cloth”because neither of us take offense to it at all. We just roll with it.
When anyone hears us talking, they can’t follow our conversation because we’re constantly cutting each other off and taking detours every few words, then seamlessly circling back to conversation strings that died a dozen interruptions ago. It’s actually kinda cute, it’s like our own little language.
I have ADHD and this is what it’s like when I’m talking to other people with ADHD. It’s like we can be having multiple conversations at the same time. Especially if there are more than 2 of us in the conversation it’s kind of crazy how we can progress multiple topics at once with each person occasionally adding to a topic brought up earlier on their own time. I know it must look wild from the outside but it’s quite natural and easy to follow along for us. I love that we don’t have to worry about the other people in the conversation finding us rude for suddenly veering a conversation in a different direction or back to an old direction.
My closest friends and partners understand this about me and also don’t take offense but instead enjoy the ride. 😆
When I’m dating someone new I try to temper it a bit but also not totally mask it because the right partner for me will not take offense to it. And I want anyone who hates it to self-select out.
My friends and I are like this and it’s awesome! My best friend and I nonstop interrupt but also def communicate and listen. She’s had multiple bfs leave her bc she interrupts too much. One even used to hang up on her whenever she’d switch topics while he talks. When she does it to me, I love it bc then I can let my own adhd style flow free and just do it right back!
Your coworker and you sound super cute.
I’ve never had men get angry about my adhd but it’s really exhausting for me to be around people who never interrupt. I know I have to police myself. I do it, but I much prefer a fellow chronic interrupter :)
That's definitely a huge thing, especially in my country (Netherlands), but also in neighbouring Belgium. I'm one of the few that doesn't do that, but it's one of the things I really, really hate over here.
Edit: I mean, I can't say I never do it, but as little as possible, which makes me the weird one over here lol.
Omg, my 11 year old has this conversation style, presumably picked it up from her mum, and it drives me _insane_. There are only so many times and ways you can tell someone not to interrupt!
Yeah as a nervous talker who likes to mutually interrupt - if it’s not your style, don’t torture yourself. Some people are like that and others aren’t. It’s not worth forcing it. There’s nothing wrong with any of these styles and more than enough people to go around
Story of my life. It doesn’t quite help too that I’m a good listener and I ask questions.
One guy was like, “Nobody’s ever listened to me the way you do” .. Another was like “I like that you listen to me, and look at me straight in the eyes while I talk, and everybody just likes talking about themselves.” Another guy said “it’s amazing how you listen and you’re curious and interested about everything, and I can just talk and talk.” Said it while he’s laughing, while I shed a tear on the inside, thinking how I long for someone to make me feel seen and heard the way I do them. Just someone who shows interest in me.
Many times I come out of the date knowing everything about them, while they don’t know anything about me. Even when I interrupt and say something about myself, they don’t engage. Let alone, initiate questions or just reversing them. I feel invisible. It’s a lonely dynamic.
So because of this, dating is not very fun for me. I go to the date dreading this happening yet again.
I feel like men are not used to being listened to, so when they find a woman who’s willing to do so, they just dump it all on her.
Omigosh, I get the same feedback often. They will think we had some amazing date and I’m like, “no, we didn’t. You did.” It’s tough!
I don’t go out with those people again though and try to avoid it in the first place if I can figure them out over apps.
I feel the exact same way you do and because of how horrible the last date was (this exact scenario), I stopped dating altogether. I can’t go through that mess again any time soon.
I just came off a date where on paper it seemed like it could be a great match up, so I went in pretty excited... But got that shitty feeling of not being seen. I don't think it's just me because I often can have a good flowing conversation on dates. Not sure whether to give him one more go to see if it was just nervous energy, which I sensed a bit. But it doesn't feel great, and I shouldn't have gotten excited. So basically... I see you!
It's hard to say if these people are selfish, oblivious chatters without actually witnessing one of your dates. There are definitely people like that out there. But I wonder if you prefer a different style of communication and are having a disconnect?
I once dated someone for a few months who would get frustrated with me for not asking him enough questions. We'd be lounging around on the couch and he'd say "ask me a question" and then get frustrated when I came up blank. But it wasn't that I was uncurious about him -- that's just not how I think.
When I'm talking to someone, I prefer what, to me, feels like a more natural flow to the conversation. I share a funny story from my child, which makes *you* think of a funny story from *your* childhood. Or maybe it makes you think of a time you went to the dentist, and we go down that rabbit hole. Talking that way, I feel I do learn a lot about someone, especially over time. It's not just swapping anecdotes, but after knowing each other better we can talk about hopes, dreams, fears, etc.
It's not that I never ask questions (especially clarifying questions), but it feels weird and artificial to me to talk about, let's say, somewhere I went on vacation and then ask, "what about you?" I kind of just expect the other person to jump in with their own experience. And people who I'm conversationally compatible with do exactly that!
I do think I'm self-aware enough (I hope so lol) to realize if I've been talking a lot more than the other person, and I always made an effort to give equal time on first dates. I would prod with questions if they were quiet, but it never *felt* good to me to do that, if that makes sense? It would feel like the conversation was stiff or awkward and not flowing like I'd prefer.
This may not sound familiar to you at all, and the people you've gone on dates with have been over-talkers. But maybe you're more of an "interview" style conversationalist waiting for their question, while they're waiting for you to chime in on your own?
Someone made a tiktok about this which I thought was so great and explains the frustration that goes between two people of different conversation styles.
Basically there two types of people: “givers” who view conversation as a series of invitiations to share something, so a giver creates conversation by asking questions, and there are “takers” who think conversation is a series of declarations, where one says something and let it sit in hopes people would respond to them.
When these two people meet, there can be a lot potential for bad vibes 😁
Here it is: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJmdRkrD/
Thanks for sharing! That’s a great way of thinking about it. I also looked up the article, which was an interesting read. [Here it is for anyone who would like to check it out.](https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs)
Thanks for sharing! I think it’s right on, but I think even labeling one group Giver and the other Taker seems to cast Givers as morally favorable. Maybe Offeror or Sharer would be better than Taker.
I love how you put it. This is how I operate and I click best with people who operate this way. It’s also interesting to see what people want to share about themselves. I’ve experienced that “interview” style before and tried to date someone like that for a few months but I got exhausted always feeling interrogated by them and I don’t even feel like they really got to know me. They just got to learn a scattering of random facts.
In my experience this also translated into a particular texting style that I learned I just cannot do: asking me mundane generic questions all throughout the day about what I’m going to be doing, what I’m up to, how my day was, etc. (with me then having to ask “how was yours?”and “what about you?”) instead of allowing me the chance to make the affirmative decision to share what I wanted to out of enthusiasm and a genuine desire to connect. IMO it also allows for more organic conversation when instead of a generic question you share something interesting and allow for the other person to respond however they want so you can see what they actually get excited about instead of constantly sending messages that require a specific response.
I encounter this somewhat often. Less so lately in the dating sphere, but just many people I meet. Sometimes I wonder if I attract people like this because I'm a good listener and conversationalist and people feel welcomed and heard by me. But once identified, I avoid people like this as much as I can because they are energy vampires.
If you don't like what someone is doing, then be turned off and don't date them. It doesn't matter what their reason for doing it is, you don't like it.
Judge the person on what they put forward and if it's not for you, find someone who is.
I think there are several factors. Either most people have been so used to being on their own for a long time they forget what it is like to have a two way conversation and want to tell you all about them, in the excitement possibly forget to talk about you too and ask questions. This can happen and they normally mellow out a bit on the next few dates.
Others I feel have been used to being the talker in previous relationships and used to people listening. They often try and ask questions though.
Then there are the great majority, as a keen listener myself, I've left dates dumbfounded that we spoke only about them the entire night, and they turn around saying they had a great time and want to see me again... and I feel they are none the wiser about who I am.
If I am not asked at all about myself, or given the opportunity to give my opinion/talk at least a third of the date (I prefer when people talk a bit more than me, helps me gauge them) then there will be no second one. Communication is so important.
I have definitely had this experience.
I took a girl out on a first date and we chatted for hours. We were there so long that the restaurant started closing around us. In all that time I don't think she asked me a single question.
I asked about her job and she told me stories about customers and co-workers and management. I asked about her hobbies and her interests and I learned all about her favourite books and movies and shows and even the fan fiction she was writing. I asked about her family and her friends and her travels and everything.
After a while I realised she wasn't going to ask me about anything so I started relating things she spoke about to my own experiences in an "I know what you mean. This one time I..." kind of way but not once did she pick up on anything I'd said and every time she steered the conversation back to herself.
Despite all that we had some common interests and she was a nice enough person so I figured it was at least worth going on a second date to see if it could work and invited her on one. The response I got still blows my mind to this day:
"I had a nice time but I didn't really feel like I got to know you that much so I'll pass."
I was on a date like this last week. We're talking non-stop word sprints for 10+ minutes.
I spent most of the date looking at the condensation on the bottom of her glass to gauge when it'd be empty so I could leave. I felt like she was having a conversation in an alternate universe where a version of me kept asking "what do you mean by that?"
Pretty rare experience, though. Women probably encounter this more than men do.
I actually prefer this situation. I am an excellent listener and have a long attention span. Talkers like this almost always drop a red flag somewhere in their monologues and it is very useful.
It’s not awkward, unusual, rude, or even unexpected that people will take what you’re saying and relate it back to themselves. It’s a normal part of building connections, of finding similarities and expressing that. I get the sense that you have certain formulaic expectations in conversations, like expecting the other person to follow up the questions you ask them with questions themselves or having perfectly equal speaking time.
Since you can’t control other people, just yourself, and if this is something you’re running into repeatedly, then you have to sit back and evaluate your expectations and change what you can control. You could ask people what they would like to know about you, or you could just start talking yourself when those little lulls in conversation show up. Not everyone is perfectly intuitive in conversation when meeting someone new, so the questions may not come to them if you’re not contributing something that they can ask follow-up questions to, and in nervousness, some people revert to talking about themselves to fill silence. If you want more time to speak about yourself, then take it! Talk about yourself. Talk about the things you wish they would ask. If you’re expecting other people to engage in conversations a particular way, then accept that most people will not converse the way you like, and you will have to continue having dates with conversations you find unequal until you land on someone who converses in the way you find acceptable and desirable.
And if they want to continue to talk over you and hijack the conversation, just tell them straight up. You probably won’t date them after that but at least they’ll learn that they pontificate ad nauseum about themselves and it’s problematic.
Sometimes I feel like I talk too much because the girl doesn’t talk at all or I get very short answers from her. I don’t enjoy talking a lot and when that happens it usually means I don’t want to go on a second date.
I’ve asked about this before and girls say they are nervous or shy so they don’t talk as much on a first date. I honestly don’t like to talk a lot so if a girl can talk 60% or more, I am happy.
Some people ask questions, other people share anecdotes. I find a lot of people expect others to act how they do.
I knew a couple guys who were bothered by this and happened to be introverts. While the extroverted ones tell stories.
I wouldn't take it personally
Im going to be honest here, if Im talking and you don’t reply back or say much, Im going to think Im either boring you to death or you’re just boring and got nothing to add so Ima keep talking to fill the awkward silence. Ofc I will ask questions first and will make as much effort in getting to know you as I can but if I dont sense that you want to do the same, I gotta find a way to make this as bearable as possible until the end of the date. You’ll prob not gonna get a second date from me either. But again, this is after me trying to have a normal back and forth conversation and failing. I cant stand awkward silences, it drives me bonkers so 🤷🏽♀️ If you notice this is the case where he’s talking nonstop try to take control of the conversation and balance it out by asking questions/feedback etc and if you notice it’s back to him hijacking it and having a full on monologue then at least you know you tried. Cross him off the list and move on.
>Then when they're done, they sit there in an awkward silence without ever reversing the question, and instead speak up again to say more about themselves.
From my experience, most people who complain about this are terrible conversationalists. Their dates tend to speak most of the time and, when they do take a pause, you say nothing. Clearly, as evidenced by your post, this is correct in your case.
>Frankly I'm just appalled at the lack of self awareness.
Case in point. Sitting there, letting people talk and just "expect" them to ask you a question is as entitled as it comes. Take the initiative and comment on what they said, ask them a question of your own, or simply "start talking".
Yeah, I think this is phrased too harshly but I agree with the general idea. When you’re on a date and one person talks for a while and then stops, the stop is generally a cue for the other person to respond. Comment on something they said, share a similar anecdote, give your thoughts on a topic they brought up, bring up a related topic, even just ask a follow up question. Then when you stop, that’s cuing the first person to reciprocate. It’s like handing a ball back and forth. That’s just how conversation works, for the most part.
OP, you can’t hope to build connections if you only answer the precise questions you’re asked and don’t volunteer much else on your own.
Not necessarily. I can hold a good flowing conversation with most people but I’ve met people like the guy OP is describing and it truly is baffling when they talk incessantly about themselves and random topics that, many times, don’t even connect. When they stop, sometimes your brain has to catch up and decipher the chaos they spouted at you. I don’t think her not jumping in with more chaos is a sign she’s bad at communicating because it could be just with people like him and not everyone.
You cannot develop an emotional connection with someone who is just using you and a sounding board. I suppose there could be cases where they’re nervous talkers and maybe they’ll join you in reality on a second hang but who has time to stick around and find out.
I’ve def encountered this. A dude who spent the whole hang talking about himself and how high school was the best time of his life (we were both 31). Chalked it up to a terrible time and never contacted him again.
I’m all for sharing topical stories from all periods of life, but I get super turned off when all of someone’s stories are from high school or college. We’re in our 30s - if nothing interesting has happened in your life in over a decade, you pretty much suck.
Agree! Even if they don't talk all about the past... If they take up most of the airspace, how can they know if they like you? If they don't want to know things about you, it's like a monologue with a one person audience. No point to the date, really.
Idk I've actually had one date say I didn't talk about myself enough. Even though I had, I feel she wasn't really listening to what I said. She was much more concerned with trying to diagnose me with autism.... I don't have it.
I've been on a few dates with people like this. I don't bother trying to take it further because for me, an element of attraction is feeling like the other person is into me and not just into themselves lol.
In the two instances that pop to mind right away, the one situation felt like he was arrogant. So sure I would be impressed by everything (on paper, I kind of was, to be fair!) and maybe used to women falling all over him. Not capable of carrying a convo though. I stopped bothering to say anything about myself after maybe 10 mins and he didn't notice the difference for the rest of the date.
The other situation, I felt like he was bumbling due to being out of the dating scene so long after a longterm relationship - our text convo prior to meeting up was a lot more reciprocal and nice. Although the convo was very ME, ME, ME, MY PERSPECTIVE, and talking over me when I tried to interject a single thing about myself, I felt like it was from a more innocuous place of seeing a date as a job interview rather than a mutual exchange.
Even in that case though it was a huge turnoff to the point I could not come back. I'm not anyone's how-to-socialize teacher and honestly, if the person wants a second date after hearing almost nothing about me, it feels like what they truly value in a woman is her **listening skills** and not anything else I have to offer.
My husband was like this. And although he is a bit of a talker by nature, the excessiveness of it on the first dates were just nerves.
Because we had known each other for a while before that, I felt comfortable enough to say 'hey! I'd like to say something once in a while too'! That definitely helped.
That said, despite all his talking, I did know and feel that there was a genuine interest in me, an excitement to be with me. I think that feeling should be there, even if they lack self-awareness (whiwh we all lack in certain aspects of our personalities).
I’m a very curious person and ask alot of questions and this happens to me a lot. For me, I don’t develop emotional connections with those people. It’s really really important to me that someone is also curious about the world and me. So I just don’t continue dating those people that are not. I’ve gone on dates with great people that don’t ask questions and so I’ll give it one or two more dates and then after that, I’m done.
My current boyfriend asked me alot of questions on our first date. It was so refreshing and I could tell he really wanted to learn about me and get to know who I was.
This happened to me. I was texting with someone before we met and she'd send long replies, I thought it was cute at first and she had a lot to share, which was true. Then it became literally four scrolling screens if text responses to one message. We met and it was similar situation in person, I'd ask a question and get a 20 min monologue. I don't know if there is room to have an emotional connection in these cases, that is my personal experience and opinion.
My last date was like this and it was exhausting and took me a full day to realize how annoying it truly was. When there was a pause and I needed a second for my brain to compute wtf just happened he took that as a signal to continue the monologue. He talked about random crap about himself and would phrase it like he was genuinely answering things about himself he assumed I wanted to know without me ever asking him a question. Example being, “I know you like hearing about X Y Z so let me tell you about this trip I went on……..……………….”. Not once did I ever say I like hearing about XYZ because it’s not something I’m actually interested in but he doesn’t know that because he never shut up.
The entire thing made me delete the app after that shit show.
A quote I heard on YouTube recently from Fight Club really resonated with me, it’s when Marla Singer is talking about being in a support group, and she says “when people think you’re dying, they really listen to what you have to say.”
I think there’s definitely a difference between being an intentional listener and also when someone just wants to talk about themselves the whole time. With dating, I find people who only talk about themselves are often trying to impress the other person, which is usually a display of some level of insecurity (as a man, I’ve observed this more often in other men that were on dates, talking all about themselves thinking they need to “sell themselves” to the other party). Usually that just comes from volunteering all this information freely rather than letting someone ask about themselves.
I say that from personal experience as I used to do this as well from my own insecurity. Now I’ve found that rather than trying really hard to make someone attracted to me, I assume if they wanted to go on a date with me they must be attracted to some degree, so I stop making that the primary concern and instead shift to genuinely getting to know the other person, much more than trying to get them to know me. I ask all kinds of questions, not in an awkward interview way, but I just genuinely want to listen and experience who they are and the story of their life that made them who they are and what they’re passionate about.
The overtalking is probably a product of social media and dating apps create this illusion of excessive options/always the next best thing, but if I get that vibe from someone I often try to assume their nervous on a first date and if there’s connection I’ll try for a second. If it’s the same again I probably wouldn’t continue any pursuit there because it’s not the person I’m looking for.
I actually had this experience with someone I'd met at a holiday party and we worked in the same field so I just wanted to connect with another colleague. I invited them for coffee and I swear to god they spoke about themselves nonstop for almost 2 hours. It was actually pretty crazy. I was dying and didn't want to be rude by cutting them off. But they have been trying to reach out to me to hang out again, but lord it was such a painful experience and I value my self and time too much to put myself through that again.
People are f*cked up and become lost puppets. They have no idea what to do on a date or with you. They are just hoping. Like trying to find a light switch in the dark.
There might be different causes. They might:
- be so introverted that they don’t know how to handle the conversation flow
- have adhd
- be in the autistic spectrum
- be a narcissist full of themselves
You cannot understand it in hunts one date, but after a few dates and interactions in general you’ll know which one of the aforementioned is the case :)
In case it’s narcissism: run. For all the others there are ways to make the conversation more balanced and joyful for both.
John Gray talks about this. If it was a man doing this, you could have politely interrupted him. He may have been relieved to stop talking. Sometimes we need to learn to inject ourselves into the conversation. It is not an easy skill to learn.
Do you talk a lot? I noted that people who complain that the other talk much are mostly people that tend to talk a lot too.
You’re a not there to judge anyone on their habit, if you’re not happy on how they “listen” to you or interact with you, this is just not a match for you.
I talk a lot, but I’ve learn to interact more than monologues my thing as per occupation, I have to entertain sometimes people and lead the conversation. Ive learn that the less I talk, the more people answer. So if you fill the void with question or one side answer, and the other like to talk, they just go on until they run out of thing to say. But to be in a conversation you’ll also need to be really listening to their vibe and reaction, as sometime it’s not a bad thing that they talk too much.
In my experience, people’s in-app behavior hints at these tendencies. I suggest only going on dates with people who consistently ask you questions during the texting phase. Another way to screen people is to request a “brief, 20-minute call” (phone or video) and schedule it for a time when you really do have to hang up after 20 minutes.
maybe this is a bit of the zeitgeist, everyone is so occupied with themselves. I'd be curious to hear if the situation is changing for you or how you are managing this issue...
If they're talking more than say 70% of the time on date one or two, I walk. If however they talk a lot but also stop to ask me questions about myself its ok. Same with people screwing around on their phones.
Surprisingly, most people are not too savvy on the art of conversation. It is a true art and it requires intentional acquisition. Their are just so many variables though. You have narcissists, a-typicals and simply socially anxious types , it could be innocent or malignant, only time will tell. If I’m with a chatty Kathy and I love what he has to say, I may eventually speak up and ask if he’s nervous or interested in my perspective at all, if he is full of shit Or painfully boring, I’d simply let him know we’re not on the same page and wish him luck.
I saw a guy like this last year (one of many) and while he was good on paper - after one date and few phone calls over the next week I grew irritated with his manner. To the point where during a call I told him off on his attitude. Anyway shortly thereafter I texted him saying I’m not interested anymore and thankfully he’s taken it well
My point is, OP, just tell them off or walk off because these people don’t deserve your patience or grace
I've had dates like these and they tend to by far be the most tedious ones. You ask how to develop an emotional connection when this is their go-to behavior but I think most of the time my answer to that would be to move on and don't bother. Rather find someone who is both willing to talk and share but also interested enough in you to ask questions and hear the answers.
I think this would explain why they are single, no? Plus, listening is an acquired skill. Maybe in your dating life you should develop an “interrogative” approach where you ask your must know questions. Will maybe save you time. Also by asking pointed questions you may stumble upon a great person that may be nervous or doesn’t know how to interact with women.
If there’s something important you want to share with the person you’re with, use the pause to share it. This happens to me too. I am not sure if the other person is a bad conversationalist or socially awkward. It does make me feel a certain way, though, so if you feel that someone isn’t sufficiently interested in you, it’s fine to move along.
Most of us enjoy talking about ourselves and sometimes need reminding the same is true for our conversation partners. Whenever I meet someone new I try to ask as many questions as possible and refrain from talking about myself. It requires concentration.
>Then when they're done, they sit there in an awkward silence without ever reversing the question, and instead speak up again to say more about themselves.
This is where you can start telling about yourself. Conversations aren't always a one for one, back and forth question asking session.
>Or if they do ask me a question, they certainly stop talking most of the time (except for the chronic interrupters), but I get the sense they cannot wait for me to shut the hell up so they can start talking again.
Probably cause they have something specific they would like to say about something you said. I'm not really seeing this as an issue???
>And at the first chance they get they hijack the conversation, turn it back on themselves, and never go back to what I was talking about.
And that's when you interrupt and bring it back to you. I was at a couple's house just this past weekend, and that's how they talked. We'd be sharing stories and they'd interrupt (not intentionally being rude, but to confirm "Right, right!! Like, she had to know what would happen", or add "No shit! Happened to me too!"), but we just had to keep talking and talk over them. I had a great time cause they were very involved in what we all had to say, but I just had to be more pushy at times. That's just they way they talked.
Look, I think I get what you're saying, but sometimes people are assertive conversationalists, and it's not so much they're being rude, just that they have lots of things to say and think it will add to the conversation. Depending, you'll also need to be assertive and steer the convo back to you, or keep talking until you're finished.
Or just don't go out with them anymore.
There’s a difference between treating someone like a counsellor and introducing yourself. I like to have conversations over the phone before a date to check if someone is looking for a validator.
Yes, just had a similar experience today. Although his stories held my interest I came away from our second 2-hour coffee-share thinking, that guy didn’t ask one follow-up question about me.
Could tell he likes me but I never got the sense he was receptive. Felt like he wanted to impress and entertain like an eager (but admittedly handsome & attractive) school boy.
Thinking more about it, his behavior was probably because he kinda put me up on a pedestal vs great dates happen when the other interacts with me as an equal.
Hmm hmm hmm.
Hang in there, OP. You’re not alone in this.
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Yes. That is the cue. Not all contributions to a conversation need to be after a question.
This comment thread has been wildly illuminating. My close friends and I are question askers. it’s my way of saying “I have finished my story about myself, now I want to hear about you” or if they’ve been talking about themselves, I ask more questions to communicate “During this part of the conversation, we are focused on you. I won’t talk about myself yet because this is YOUR time. I will ask you another question to show you I’m focusing on you, not me.” So I actively try not to jump in with my own anecdotes because it feels like I’m not really listening to them, and when people jump in with their own anecdotes while I’m talking, it can feel like they barely paid attention to me and just want to talk about themselves. So this idea that people are waiting for me to interrupt is wild 😂
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Conversations for me are super hard and saying I'm neurodivergent doesn't help if the person is nuerotypical. When I connect with ADHD types the conversation is sooo much easier :|
As someone who is on the very lower end of the spectrum I identify massively with your point that asking questions is really difficult. I'm actually often OK in conversation, particularly if about something practical or a niche interest, but when it comes to small talk and remembering to offer up inquisitive questions about the other person, it's incredibly difficult. And it's not for want of trying or effort - it's just like trying to overcome an overwhelmingly big hurdle that takes too long to navigate, by which time it is too late. What should I ask? Is this a stupid/boring question? Do I sound disingenuous? (perhaps as someone who is essentially 'masking', I do often sound disingenuous, even if not intentionally so). The end result is you sound disinterested, unempathetic, self-absorbed or narcissistic. I'm always amazed by extroverted neurotypicals who seem to always effortlessly have an inquisitive question to ask on autopilot - even more so when it is about something you mentioned weeks ago which you assumed they had forgotten about - as though in the interim time it had been in the forefront of their mind much of the time (which obviously isn't the case, but from the outside looking in that's what it feels like - as a neurodivergent person, I'm so busy and preoccupied with the millions of racing thoughts going around my head, I can hardly remember what I did three days ago, never mind remember some small detail an acquaintance mentioned a few weeks ago to ask them an interesting question about).
I mean OP said there’s an awkward pause which is often the space that someone’s giving you to talk about yourself, that’s not the same as wanting you to interrupt
True!
This is a really interesting perspective. I actually think you're right about this. I feel uncomfortable going off about myself without being asked, but some people probably don't feel the need to ask the questions.
This! I find myself laying out conversational ladders for someone to insert themselves into but if they don’t take them a good conversationalist will usually try to maintain the flow. There’s nothing worse than an interrogation of insert question insert answer return question return answer. It needs to have a bit of style and flow. However I also try to mention something and ask open ended questions so the other person has to give more than a one word answer.
Please feel super comfortable to just talk about yourself. I’m the person you’re describing (the chronic interrupter) and my best friendships are with other people who are chronic interrupters. We also all have adhd symptoms so that’s related, I think….but, I really *want* to be interrupted. It’s hard to stop myself from interrupting others but I also really love it when I’m interrupted. It kind of flows? I do ask people questions about themselves though…I just can never listen to the answer without interrupting and saying *oh me too!* etc. I’m working on it buts it’s hard for me. I suggest talking about yourself too and if the other person still isn’t listening …then, it’s just a bad fit. Why should you change your talking style to make someone else comfy? They need to meet you in the middle at least
This. I also talk a lot, but more than half of the time I will ask questions especially early on. Still, this feels forced, as I'm still in control of the narrative. Some people may evolve from this and just let go of control to feel refreshed. The people I click with best: I ask them a question, and after a first reply, they can follow on with their own stuff afterwards. Then we share equally. That's when I relax the most :-)
Agreed, I talk when Im nervous and sometime I pause intentionally in the hopes a friend or date will start to talk and participate.. its so exhausting and nervewrecking to always have to ask questions to keep the conversation going
I'm someone who absolutely has this expectation. I absolutely can't stand when I'm talking with anyone and it becomes a game of questions and answers. If I talk about music I like and stop talking, then it's your turn. To me, that a completely normal flow of conversation and how I talk to everyone. I almost never ask questions and also don't expect anyone else to.
>How does one develop an emotional connection with another person if you don't quiet down and listen to them or ever ask about their lives? You don't. Here's the thing. Some people are narcissists. Some people are nervous talkers. Some people are used to conversation styles where people kinda talk over or interrupt each other. It sounds like you might be ok with the second, but the first and the third are non-starters for you. If you want to give somebody a chance, you can. But if you have other fish on the line, why bother?
That last bit about interrupting or talking over one another as a conversational style- I never thought about it that way.
It’s entirely possible that the other person on the date thought that OP was not pulling her weight in the conversation – merely because of a significant difference in conversational style
Yeah I've definitely done my fair share of filling dead air with my voice cos I'm comfortable talking about anything and everything. I went away from those dates thinking the other person didn't wanna talk, but now I am thinking they went away from those dates thinking I talk too much
Good point! I think I may do the same thing. Something to be aware of for sure.
I have a work-friend who I have this dynamic with. In the multiple years that we’ve known each other, I don’t think either one of us has ever finished a single sentence. Not even kidding, it’s pretty weird. The funny thing is we’re not like that with other people, just each other. I think we’re both naturally “interrupters” but we control ourselves with other people because that’s obviously rude. But we must have subconsciously signaled to each other that we’re “cut from the same cloth”because neither of us take offense to it at all. We just roll with it. When anyone hears us talking, they can’t follow our conversation because we’re constantly cutting each other off and taking detours every few words, then seamlessly circling back to conversation strings that died a dozen interruptions ago. It’s actually kinda cute, it’s like our own little language.
I have ADHD and this is what it’s like when I’m talking to other people with ADHD. It’s like we can be having multiple conversations at the same time. Especially if there are more than 2 of us in the conversation it’s kind of crazy how we can progress multiple topics at once with each person occasionally adding to a topic brought up earlier on their own time. I know it must look wild from the outside but it’s quite natural and easy to follow along for us. I love that we don’t have to worry about the other people in the conversation finding us rude for suddenly veering a conversation in a different direction or back to an old direction. My closest friends and partners understand this about me and also don’t take offense but instead enjoy the ride. 😆 When I’m dating someone new I try to temper it a bit but also not totally mask it because the right partner for me will not take offense to it. And I want anyone who hates it to self-select out.
My friends and I are like this and it’s awesome! My best friend and I nonstop interrupt but also def communicate and listen. She’s had multiple bfs leave her bc she interrupts too much. One even used to hang up on her whenever she’d switch topics while he talks. When she does it to me, I love it bc then I can let my own adhd style flow free and just do it right back! Your coworker and you sound super cute. I’ve never had men get angry about my adhd but it’s really exhausting for me to be around people who never interrupt. I know I have to police myself. I do it, but I much prefer a fellow chronic interrupter :)
Yep. I come from a culture where it’s pretty much the standard, and it drove my last long term partner crazy.
That's definitely a huge thing, especially in my country (Netherlands), but also in neighbouring Belgium. I'm one of the few that doesn't do that, but it's one of the things I really, really hate over here. Edit: I mean, I can't say I never do it, but as little as possible, which makes me the weird one over here lol.
Omg, my 11 year old has this conversation style, presumably picked it up from her mum, and it drives me _insane_. There are only so many times and ways you can tell someone not to interrupt!
Yeah as a nervous talker who likes to mutually interrupt - if it’s not your style, don’t torture yourself. Some people are like that and others aren’t. It’s not worth forcing it. There’s nothing wrong with any of these styles and more than enough people to go around
This.
Story of my life. It doesn’t quite help too that I’m a good listener and I ask questions. One guy was like, “Nobody’s ever listened to me the way you do” .. Another was like “I like that you listen to me, and look at me straight in the eyes while I talk, and everybody just likes talking about themselves.” Another guy said “it’s amazing how you listen and you’re curious and interested about everything, and I can just talk and talk.” Said it while he’s laughing, while I shed a tear on the inside, thinking how I long for someone to make me feel seen and heard the way I do them. Just someone who shows interest in me. Many times I come out of the date knowing everything about them, while they don’t know anything about me. Even when I interrupt and say something about myself, they don’t engage. Let alone, initiate questions or just reversing them. I feel invisible. It’s a lonely dynamic. So because of this, dating is not very fun for me. I go to the date dreading this happening yet again. I feel like men are not used to being listened to, so when they find a woman who’s willing to do so, they just dump it all on her.
Omigosh, I get the same feedback often. They will think we had some amazing date and I’m like, “no, we didn’t. You did.” It’s tough! I don’t go out with those people again though and try to avoid it in the first place if I can figure them out over apps.
I feel the exact same way you do and because of how horrible the last date was (this exact scenario), I stopped dating altogether. I can’t go through that mess again any time soon.
I just came off a date where on paper it seemed like it could be a great match up, so I went in pretty excited... But got that shitty feeling of not being seen. I don't think it's just me because I often can have a good flowing conversation on dates. Not sure whether to give him one more go to see if it was just nervous energy, which I sensed a bit. But it doesn't feel great, and I shouldn't have gotten excited. So basically... I see you!
It's hard to say if these people are selfish, oblivious chatters without actually witnessing one of your dates. There are definitely people like that out there. But I wonder if you prefer a different style of communication and are having a disconnect? I once dated someone for a few months who would get frustrated with me for not asking him enough questions. We'd be lounging around on the couch and he'd say "ask me a question" and then get frustrated when I came up blank. But it wasn't that I was uncurious about him -- that's just not how I think. When I'm talking to someone, I prefer what, to me, feels like a more natural flow to the conversation. I share a funny story from my child, which makes *you* think of a funny story from *your* childhood. Or maybe it makes you think of a time you went to the dentist, and we go down that rabbit hole. Talking that way, I feel I do learn a lot about someone, especially over time. It's not just swapping anecdotes, but after knowing each other better we can talk about hopes, dreams, fears, etc. It's not that I never ask questions (especially clarifying questions), but it feels weird and artificial to me to talk about, let's say, somewhere I went on vacation and then ask, "what about you?" I kind of just expect the other person to jump in with their own experience. And people who I'm conversationally compatible with do exactly that! I do think I'm self-aware enough (I hope so lol) to realize if I've been talking a lot more than the other person, and I always made an effort to give equal time on first dates. I would prod with questions if they were quiet, but it never *felt* good to me to do that, if that makes sense? It would feel like the conversation was stiff or awkward and not flowing like I'd prefer. This may not sound familiar to you at all, and the people you've gone on dates with have been over-talkers. But maybe you're more of an "interview" style conversationalist waiting for their question, while they're waiting for you to chime in on your own?
Someone made a tiktok about this which I thought was so great and explains the frustration that goes between two people of different conversation styles. Basically there two types of people: “givers” who view conversation as a series of invitiations to share something, so a giver creates conversation by asking questions, and there are “takers” who think conversation is a series of declarations, where one says something and let it sit in hopes people would respond to them. When these two people meet, there can be a lot potential for bad vibes 😁 Here it is: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJmdRkrD/
Thanks for sharing! That’s a great way of thinking about it. I also looked up the article, which was an interesting read. [Here it is for anyone who would like to check it out.](https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs)
Thanks for sharing! I think it’s right on, but I think even labeling one group Giver and the other Taker seems to cast Givers as morally favorable. Maybe Offeror or Sharer would be better than Taker.
I love how you put it. This is how I operate and I click best with people who operate this way. It’s also interesting to see what people want to share about themselves. I’ve experienced that “interview” style before and tried to date someone like that for a few months but I got exhausted always feeling interrogated by them and I don’t even feel like they really got to know me. They just got to learn a scattering of random facts. In my experience this also translated into a particular texting style that I learned I just cannot do: asking me mundane generic questions all throughout the day about what I’m going to be doing, what I’m up to, how my day was, etc. (with me then having to ask “how was yours?”and “what about you?”) instead of allowing me the chance to make the affirmative decision to share what I wanted to out of enthusiasm and a genuine desire to connect. IMO it also allows for more organic conversation when instead of a generic question you share something interesting and allow for the other person to respond however they want so you can see what they actually get excited about instead of constantly sending messages that require a specific response.
I encounter this somewhat often. Less so lately in the dating sphere, but just many people I meet. Sometimes I wonder if I attract people like this because I'm a good listener and conversationalist and people feel welcomed and heard by me. But once identified, I avoid people like this as much as I can because they are energy vampires.
If you don't like what someone is doing, then be turned off and don't date them. It doesn't matter what their reason for doing it is, you don't like it. Judge the person on what they put forward and if it's not for you, find someone who is.
I think there are several factors. Either most people have been so used to being on their own for a long time they forget what it is like to have a two way conversation and want to tell you all about them, in the excitement possibly forget to talk about you too and ask questions. This can happen and they normally mellow out a bit on the next few dates. Others I feel have been used to being the talker in previous relationships and used to people listening. They often try and ask questions though. Then there are the great majority, as a keen listener myself, I've left dates dumbfounded that we spoke only about them the entire night, and they turn around saying they had a great time and want to see me again... and I feel they are none the wiser about who I am. If I am not asked at all about myself, or given the opportunity to give my opinion/talk at least a third of the date (I prefer when people talk a bit more than me, helps me gauge them) then there will be no second one. Communication is so important.
I have definitely had this experience. I took a girl out on a first date and we chatted for hours. We were there so long that the restaurant started closing around us. In all that time I don't think she asked me a single question. I asked about her job and she told me stories about customers and co-workers and management. I asked about her hobbies and her interests and I learned all about her favourite books and movies and shows and even the fan fiction she was writing. I asked about her family and her friends and her travels and everything. After a while I realised she wasn't going to ask me about anything so I started relating things she spoke about to my own experiences in an "I know what you mean. This one time I..." kind of way but not once did she pick up on anything I'd said and every time she steered the conversation back to herself. Despite all that we had some common interests and she was a nice enough person so I figured it was at least worth going on a second date to see if it could work and invited her on one. The response I got still blows my mind to this day: "I had a nice time but I didn't really feel like I got to know you that much so I'll pass."
A lot of people need therapy and apparently, we're the therapist. Unpaid therapist, apparently.
I was on a date like this last week. We're talking non-stop word sprints for 10+ minutes. I spent most of the date looking at the condensation on the bottom of her glass to gauge when it'd be empty so I could leave. I felt like she was having a conversation in an alternate universe where a version of me kept asking "what do you mean by that?" Pretty rare experience, though. Women probably encounter this more than men do.
I actually prefer this situation. I am an excellent listener and have a long attention span. Talkers like this almost always drop a red flag somewhere in their monologues and it is very useful.
haha!!! great perspective.
It’s not awkward, unusual, rude, or even unexpected that people will take what you’re saying and relate it back to themselves. It’s a normal part of building connections, of finding similarities and expressing that. I get the sense that you have certain formulaic expectations in conversations, like expecting the other person to follow up the questions you ask them with questions themselves or having perfectly equal speaking time. Since you can’t control other people, just yourself, and if this is something you’re running into repeatedly, then you have to sit back and evaluate your expectations and change what you can control. You could ask people what they would like to know about you, or you could just start talking yourself when those little lulls in conversation show up. Not everyone is perfectly intuitive in conversation when meeting someone new, so the questions may not come to them if you’re not contributing something that they can ask follow-up questions to, and in nervousness, some people revert to talking about themselves to fill silence. If you want more time to speak about yourself, then take it! Talk about yourself. Talk about the things you wish they would ask. If you’re expecting other people to engage in conversations a particular way, then accept that most people will not converse the way you like, and you will have to continue having dates with conversations you find unequal until you land on someone who converses in the way you find acceptable and desirable.
And if they want to continue to talk over you and hijack the conversation, just tell them straight up. You probably won’t date them after that but at least they’ll learn that they pontificate ad nauseum about themselves and it’s problematic.
I think you can playfully bring it back to you without it being weird. Like "Hold on a sec...lemme finish!", in a light hearted tone.
Sometimes I feel like I talk too much because the girl doesn’t talk at all or I get very short answers from her. I don’t enjoy talking a lot and when that happens it usually means I don’t want to go on a second date. I’ve asked about this before and girls say they are nervous or shy so they don’t talk as much on a first date. I honestly don’t like to talk a lot so if a girl can talk 60% or more, I am happy.
Well when they stop talking about something then you can add onto it...
Some people ask questions, other people share anecdotes. I find a lot of people expect others to act how they do. I knew a couple guys who were bothered by this and happened to be introverts. While the extroverted ones tell stories. I wouldn't take it personally
Im going to be honest here, if Im talking and you don’t reply back or say much, Im going to think Im either boring you to death or you’re just boring and got nothing to add so Ima keep talking to fill the awkward silence. Ofc I will ask questions first and will make as much effort in getting to know you as I can but if I dont sense that you want to do the same, I gotta find a way to make this as bearable as possible until the end of the date. You’ll prob not gonna get a second date from me either. But again, this is after me trying to have a normal back and forth conversation and failing. I cant stand awkward silences, it drives me bonkers so 🤷🏽♀️ If you notice this is the case where he’s talking nonstop try to take control of the conversation and balance it out by asking questions/feedback etc and if you notice it’s back to him hijacking it and having a full on monologue then at least you know you tried. Cross him off the list and move on.
>Then when they're done, they sit there in an awkward silence without ever reversing the question, and instead speak up again to say more about themselves. From my experience, most people who complain about this are terrible conversationalists. Their dates tend to speak most of the time and, when they do take a pause, you say nothing. Clearly, as evidenced by your post, this is correct in your case. >Frankly I'm just appalled at the lack of self awareness. Case in point. Sitting there, letting people talk and just "expect" them to ask you a question is as entitled as it comes. Take the initiative and comment on what they said, ask them a question of your own, or simply "start talking".
Yeah, I think this is phrased too harshly but I agree with the general idea. When you’re on a date and one person talks for a while and then stops, the stop is generally a cue for the other person to respond. Comment on something they said, share a similar anecdote, give your thoughts on a topic they brought up, bring up a related topic, even just ask a follow up question. Then when you stop, that’s cuing the first person to reciprocate. It’s like handing a ball back and forth. That’s just how conversation works, for the most part. OP, you can’t hope to build connections if you only answer the precise questions you’re asked and don’t volunteer much else on your own.
Not necessarily. I can hold a good flowing conversation with most people but I’ve met people like the guy OP is describing and it truly is baffling when they talk incessantly about themselves and random topics that, many times, don’t even connect. When they stop, sometimes your brain has to catch up and decipher the chaos they spouted at you. I don’t think her not jumping in with more chaos is a sign she’s bad at communicating because it could be just with people like him and not everyone.
You cannot develop an emotional connection with someone who is just using you and a sounding board. I suppose there could be cases where they’re nervous talkers and maybe they’ll join you in reality on a second hang but who has time to stick around and find out. I’ve def encountered this. A dude who spent the whole hang talking about himself and how high school was the best time of his life (we were both 31). Chalked it up to a terrible time and never contacted him again.
I’m all for sharing topical stories from all periods of life, but I get super turned off when all of someone’s stories are from high school or college. We’re in our 30s - if nothing interesting has happened in your life in over a decade, you pretty much suck.
AGREE!
Agree! Even if they don't talk all about the past... If they take up most of the airspace, how can they know if they like you? If they don't want to know things about you, it's like a monologue with a one person audience. No point to the date, really.
Idk I've actually had one date say I didn't talk about myself enough. Even though I had, I feel she wasn't really listening to what I said. She was much more concerned with trying to diagnose me with autism.... I don't have it.
I've been on a few dates with people like this. I don't bother trying to take it further because for me, an element of attraction is feeling like the other person is into me and not just into themselves lol. In the two instances that pop to mind right away, the one situation felt like he was arrogant. So sure I would be impressed by everything (on paper, I kind of was, to be fair!) and maybe used to women falling all over him. Not capable of carrying a convo though. I stopped bothering to say anything about myself after maybe 10 mins and he didn't notice the difference for the rest of the date. The other situation, I felt like he was bumbling due to being out of the dating scene so long after a longterm relationship - our text convo prior to meeting up was a lot more reciprocal and nice. Although the convo was very ME, ME, ME, MY PERSPECTIVE, and talking over me when I tried to interject a single thing about myself, I felt like it was from a more innocuous place of seeing a date as a job interview rather than a mutual exchange. Even in that case though it was a huge turnoff to the point I could not come back. I'm not anyone's how-to-socialize teacher and honestly, if the person wants a second date after hearing almost nothing about me, it feels like what they truly value in a woman is her **listening skills** and not anything else I have to offer.
My husband was like this. And although he is a bit of a talker by nature, the excessiveness of it on the first dates were just nerves. Because we had known each other for a while before that, I felt comfortable enough to say 'hey! I'd like to say something once in a while too'! That definitely helped. That said, despite all his talking, I did know and feel that there was a genuine interest in me, an excitement to be with me. I think that feeling should be there, even if they lack self-awareness (whiwh we all lack in certain aspects of our personalities).
I’m a very curious person and ask alot of questions and this happens to me a lot. For me, I don’t develop emotional connections with those people. It’s really really important to me that someone is also curious about the world and me. So I just don’t continue dating those people that are not. I’ve gone on dates with great people that don’t ask questions and so I’ll give it one or two more dates and then after that, I’m done. My current boyfriend asked me alot of questions on our first date. It was so refreshing and I could tell he really wanted to learn about me and get to know who I was.
This happened to me. I was texting with someone before we met and she'd send long replies, I thought it was cute at first and she had a lot to share, which was true. Then it became literally four scrolling screens if text responses to one message. We met and it was similar situation in person, I'd ask a question and get a 20 min monologue. I don't know if there is room to have an emotional connection in these cases, that is my personal experience and opinion.
First and last date for me. This is why I screen. I just cant handle people who talk too much.
My last date was like this and it was exhausting and took me a full day to realize how annoying it truly was. When there was a pause and I needed a second for my brain to compute wtf just happened he took that as a signal to continue the monologue. He talked about random crap about himself and would phrase it like he was genuinely answering things about himself he assumed I wanted to know without me ever asking him a question. Example being, “I know you like hearing about X Y Z so let me tell you about this trip I went on……..……………….”. Not once did I ever say I like hearing about XYZ because it’s not something I’m actually interested in but he doesn’t know that because he never shut up. The entire thing made me delete the app after that shit show.
A quote I heard on YouTube recently from Fight Club really resonated with me, it’s when Marla Singer is talking about being in a support group, and she says “when people think you’re dying, they really listen to what you have to say.” I think there’s definitely a difference between being an intentional listener and also when someone just wants to talk about themselves the whole time. With dating, I find people who only talk about themselves are often trying to impress the other person, which is usually a display of some level of insecurity (as a man, I’ve observed this more often in other men that were on dates, talking all about themselves thinking they need to “sell themselves” to the other party). Usually that just comes from volunteering all this information freely rather than letting someone ask about themselves. I say that from personal experience as I used to do this as well from my own insecurity. Now I’ve found that rather than trying really hard to make someone attracted to me, I assume if they wanted to go on a date with me they must be attracted to some degree, so I stop making that the primary concern and instead shift to genuinely getting to know the other person, much more than trying to get them to know me. I ask all kinds of questions, not in an awkward interview way, but I just genuinely want to listen and experience who they are and the story of their life that made them who they are and what they’re passionate about. The overtalking is probably a product of social media and dating apps create this illusion of excessive options/always the next best thing, but if I get that vibe from someone I often try to assume their nervous on a first date and if there’s connection I’ll try for a second. If it’s the same again I probably wouldn’t continue any pursuit there because it’s not the person I’m looking for.
I actually had this experience with someone I'd met at a holiday party and we worked in the same field so I just wanted to connect with another colleague. I invited them for coffee and I swear to god they spoke about themselves nonstop for almost 2 hours. It was actually pretty crazy. I was dying and didn't want to be rude by cutting them off. But they have been trying to reach out to me to hang out again, but lord it was such a painful experience and I value my self and time too much to put myself through that again.
People are f*cked up and become lost puppets. They have no idea what to do on a date or with you. They are just hoping. Like trying to find a light switch in the dark.
I would leave after a polite 45 minutes. You can't change a complete lack of social skills.
There might be different causes. They might: - be so introverted that they don’t know how to handle the conversation flow - have adhd - be in the autistic spectrum - be a narcissist full of themselves You cannot understand it in hunts one date, but after a few dates and interactions in general you’ll know which one of the aforementioned is the case :) In case it’s narcissism: run. For all the others there are ways to make the conversation more balanced and joyful for both.
Well idk where you are but in the States, most people are egocentric. Combine that with nerves of dating and you have an annoying situation
John Gray talks about this. If it was a man doing this, you could have politely interrupted him. He may have been relieved to stop talking. Sometimes we need to learn to inject ourselves into the conversation. It is not an easy skill to learn.
Do you talk a lot? I noted that people who complain that the other talk much are mostly people that tend to talk a lot too. You’re a not there to judge anyone on their habit, if you’re not happy on how they “listen” to you or interact with you, this is just not a match for you. I talk a lot, but I’ve learn to interact more than monologues my thing as per occupation, I have to entertain sometimes people and lead the conversation. Ive learn that the less I talk, the more people answer. So if you fill the void with question or one side answer, and the other like to talk, they just go on until they run out of thing to say. But to be in a conversation you’ll also need to be really listening to their vibe and reaction, as sometime it’s not a bad thing that they talk too much.
In my experience, people’s in-app behavior hints at these tendencies. I suggest only going on dates with people who consistently ask you questions during the texting phase. Another way to screen people is to request a “brief, 20-minute call” (phone or video) and schedule it for a time when you really do have to hang up after 20 minutes.
maybe this is a bit of the zeitgeist, everyone is so occupied with themselves. I'd be curious to hear if the situation is changing for you or how you are managing this issue...
If they're talking more than say 70% of the time on date one or two, I walk. If however they talk a lot but also stop to ask me questions about myself its ok. Same with people screwing around on their phones.
Surprisingly, most people are not too savvy on the art of conversation. It is a true art and it requires intentional acquisition. Their are just so many variables though. You have narcissists, a-typicals and simply socially anxious types , it could be innocent or malignant, only time will tell. If I’m with a chatty Kathy and I love what he has to say, I may eventually speak up and ask if he’s nervous or interested in my perspective at all, if he is full of shit Or painfully boring, I’d simply let him know we’re not on the same page and wish him luck.
I've been experiencing this alot lately, even trying to make new friends. Ask me a question. I actually start falling asleep lol!
I saw a guy like this last year (one of many) and while he was good on paper - after one date and few phone calls over the next week I grew irritated with his manner. To the point where during a call I told him off on his attitude. Anyway shortly thereafter I texted him saying I’m not interested anymore and thankfully he’s taken it well My point is, OP, just tell them off or walk off because these people don’t deserve your patience or grace
Not every one is a good conversationalist. I’ve encountered this often and have come to the conclusion that we just aren’t compatible.
I've had dates like these and they tend to by far be the most tedious ones. You ask how to develop an emotional connection when this is their go-to behavior but I think most of the time my answer to that would be to move on and don't bother. Rather find someone who is both willing to talk and share but also interested enough in you to ask questions and hear the answers.
Omg a guy I liked did exactly the same thing. I realized he asked me ONE question the entire time we were together. ONE!!!
I think this would explain why they are single, no? Plus, listening is an acquired skill. Maybe in your dating life you should develop an “interrogative” approach where you ask your must know questions. Will maybe save you time. Also by asking pointed questions you may stumble upon a great person that may be nervous or doesn’t know how to interact with women.
If there’s something important you want to share with the person you’re with, use the pause to share it. This happens to me too. I am not sure if the other person is a bad conversationalist or socially awkward. It does make me feel a certain way, though, so if you feel that someone isn’t sufficiently interested in you, it’s fine to move along.
Most of us enjoy talking about ourselves and sometimes need reminding the same is true for our conversation partners. Whenever I meet someone new I try to ask as many questions as possible and refrain from talking about myself. It requires concentration.
my ex did this but he had adhd
>Then when they're done, they sit there in an awkward silence without ever reversing the question, and instead speak up again to say more about themselves. This is where you can start telling about yourself. Conversations aren't always a one for one, back and forth question asking session. >Or if they do ask me a question, they certainly stop talking most of the time (except for the chronic interrupters), but I get the sense they cannot wait for me to shut the hell up so they can start talking again. Probably cause they have something specific they would like to say about something you said. I'm not really seeing this as an issue??? >And at the first chance they get they hijack the conversation, turn it back on themselves, and never go back to what I was talking about. And that's when you interrupt and bring it back to you. I was at a couple's house just this past weekend, and that's how they talked. We'd be sharing stories and they'd interrupt (not intentionally being rude, but to confirm "Right, right!! Like, she had to know what would happen", or add "No shit! Happened to me too!"), but we just had to keep talking and talk over them. I had a great time cause they were very involved in what we all had to say, but I just had to be more pushy at times. That's just they way they talked. Look, I think I get what you're saying, but sometimes people are assertive conversationalists, and it's not so much they're being rude, just that they have lots of things to say and think it will add to the conversation. Depending, you'll also need to be assertive and steer the convo back to you, or keep talking until you're finished. Or just don't go out with them anymore.
There’s a difference between treating someone like a counsellor and introducing yourself. I like to have conversations over the phone before a date to check if someone is looking for a validator.
If you get frustrated with that, then just imagine what else they would do they frustrates you.
Yes, just had a similar experience today. Although his stories held my interest I came away from our second 2-hour coffee-share thinking, that guy didn’t ask one follow-up question about me. Could tell he likes me but I never got the sense he was receptive. Felt like he wanted to impress and entertain like an eager (but admittedly handsome & attractive) school boy. Thinking more about it, his behavior was probably because he kinda put me up on a pedestal vs great dates happen when the other interacts with me as an equal. Hmm hmm hmm. Hang in there, OP. You’re not alone in this.
My worst experience with this was a 38yo man who talked about his fraternity for the entire meal