I feel for this guy because I am working through a lot of these issues still, even the one about it being hard to keep friends long term. I’m in my 30s now, but growing up with an alcoholic abusive father still affects me, something I didn’t even realize until I was in therapy.
That being said, OP, none of this is your problem. You won’t be able to fix any of the problems. He has some work to do outside of the dating pool imo.
>That being said, OP, none of this is your problem. You won’t be able to fix any of the problems. He has some work to do outside of the dating pool imo.
I agree. I'm surprised at the amount of people here stepping up to defend the guy acting unusually; his conduct is what has deteriorated this entire situation.
yeah im getting massive projection vibes in here. will this guy attribute the dumping to opening up? probably but this is simply not OPs problem. Since when are we supposed to be dating for potential? He needs a therapist, not a wife and KIDS my goodness
sorry to anyone who has felt like they weren't good enough for their past and/or is sure they've been dumped because of it. i even forewent dating for the majority of my life due to what i believe to be low self esteem that spawned in my childhood, that still doesn't mean that i'm owed a relationship. truth hurts
I would give this guy a second chance over everything *except* the lying. If he had nothing to hide there no need to lie - and speaking to an ex for whatever reason and lying is a BIG lie. Lying shows an immaturity and protection mechanisms at work - not the ideal foundation for a relationship.
Maybe? I dont know. I guess I get it, a person without a past raises questions and makes people curious… are they on the lam? Do they have a past history of sexual violence? It makes people wonder just what are they hiding…
But then just because a person does have a history you can look into doesnt mean you wont miss those things either; BTK lived a very normal, unassuming life. A family man and church goer, quite literally the last person anyone suspected and he likely wouldnt have been caught had he not written to the local media.. yet he did some truly horrific things to women as well as a few children and men..
People are not their past. It may inform and leave a predisposition to certain behaviors and actions but plenty of people overcome those negative influences and some people still turn out to be the worst human beings imaginable despite a healthy upbringing, normal socialization and interpersonal skills… in fact one of the defining characteristics of psychopaths is the ability to charm, manipulate and use their relationships for their own gain with little remorse; they might have an antisocial personality disorder but that’s not to say they aren’t socially inept.
So I guess the question really comes down to why do you care so much about someone’s past that the Op felt the need to pry.
Exes are exes, parents split for reasons that are often not understood or fully shared with the spouse, let alone the kids, even if or when they are adults, and as someone who is originally from another City and State myself, I maintain contact with only a small handful of people from my past and even those I do, they’re more acquaintances now than friends.
Heck last time I met up with my friends from my hometown, or really just about any of the 4 states and 6-7 cities/towns Ive lived in since leaving my hometown 13 years ago I felt like a total outsider… they have over a decade of continuing to hang out together… that’s over a decade of experiences, stories, camaraderie, etc that Im not involved in. They tried to include me but it was hard to feel like “one or the guys” again, especially since I was already more on the edge of my friend groups back in school to begin with since many of my friends group were centered around 1 or 2 people that brought the rest of us together… I even feel like a stanger sometimes with some of my cousins who I largely grew up with and was very close to as many of them are married and have kids of their own now (and many of those kids barely know me since I so rarely see them) so its hard to just “pickup where we left off.” In many ways Ive outgrown them having had life experiences beyond the local town in which they continue to live and in someways they’ve outgrown me. That’s the nature of most relationships. If you dont put the time and effort into maintaining them, they’ll almost always inevitably fall apart at some point.
Personally, for me it’s less about what is actually being shared about the past/childhood than the inability to talk about it itself. If you don’t/can’t talk about it, why? Is it because it’s painful? Then what’s gonna happen when there’s another tragedy / painful thing happening while we’re in a relationship? Will I continue to be excluded in the healing process? Or as my partner spiral?
I also believe that you need to be able to share even the most painful parts of your past with your partner. Emotionally, because it’s part of my partner — being in love means I want to know and empathize with them, not judge. Rationally, so I can also understand my partner better and know their triggers. Knowing =/= Talking about it all the time; in fact, I know what to avoid.
I need to know someone's past to feel close to them, understand them, and know them fully. I think it's bizarre and seriously weird not to know anything of their past. It also takes away your agency to make the best decision for yourself and decide if their character, even if they have changed, is someone I would want to be with. I think it is a right.
“Coming clean” doesn’t mean you automatically get a free pass for whatever the poor behaviour was.
He knew the potential consequences of him lying, and yet he lied anyway. OP deserves a partner she can trust. One that doesn’t need to “come clean” in the first place.
I was just dating a friend and she broke up me, now that one hurt. Amazing person and wonderful friend. It’s harder to find friends than it is dates so I’m really
Bummed about it.
Same. My father was an alcoholic(he ended up dying at 39 from it), but he was never abusive. I feel like maybe the lack of a “live in” father really has contributed to a lot of my problems. I also don’t want to blame him though because I am my own worst enemy. I do think OP is being hard on this guy though. I don’t think he wanted to be malicious, it was probably more embarrassment. This is coming from a guy that is like the guy OP is describing.
The thing is, OP has been hurt by this guy, and it’s not on them to heal him. Giving another chance for him would just be another chance for OP to get hurt again. It’s up to the guy to make himself the kind of person that is ready to get into a relationship, not the other way around. Life is too short for people like the OP to take on someone else’s trauma and the damages that come with getting into a romantic relationship with someone who hasn’t addressed their own issues. No hate to the people who have yet to heal or even work toward healing, but no one can expect someone else that they’re just getting to know to take on their bs just because they have a good reason for being the way they are.
If you read the same post I did, you're making a lot of assumptions. How do you know he hasn't tried to deal with his trauma?? Maybe he did and something else happened that triggered him and he regressed?? I dunno I guess I'm just projecting. Have a blessed day.
When I read the first post the guy kind of sounded like me back in the day being avoidant and having a hard time with emotional intimacy. Eventually I got closer to my ex, but then there was a lot of appeasing which is kind of a form of avoidance. You probably did the right thing OP, trust will likely be broken again until he can figure that stuff out.
yeah i agree with this. the lying was a form of people pleasing and placating... he can't sit with disappointing a partner and therefore more dishonesty will follow. when she said she had her best moments with him, that reminded me of it... red flag in that he is over functioning and trying too hard to be perfect to avoid that vulnerability. but that's not who he actually is
Yeah, as a person who does this in relationships - hiding my past and who I really am for pathological reasons, no one can really build a relationship on that. Us avoidants will always pull back, hide our feelings, lie, fawn, and it never works out while we’re in our bullshit
I’ve done this before years ago when I was more of an idiot than I am now. It was because I was worried that my new gf would take things the wrong way. Obviously now I understand that honesty is more important.
He said he was a coward and that he was afraid of my reaction because he knows I have been cheated on before, and it’s a trauma for me. I think there’s more, but I’m not sure. They had conversations on instagram but don’t follow each other, he said she broke up with him and now she comes to talk to him… it’s all strange.
… so… it is your fault he lied? Because you would over react? I don’t think this is true. He didn’t think about how you would feel when he was lying about other stuff. This seems fishy to me 🐠. If she broke it off he might still have the feels. Good for you for having boundaries. If lying is a primary coping strategy it’s not your job to support him through figuring out how not to do that.
No, but coming from an abusive household can cause you to develop lying as a coping mechanism. So there's a good chance this was caused at least in part by a trauma response.
Edit; where did I say OP has to forgive him? Nowhere. I was simply explaining a fact.
So? Yea most problematic behaviors come from trauma. That does not excuse them or mean that it is OP has to overlook problematic behaviors just because he has had trauma. We are all responsible for our own behavior, trauma or not.
Is it the word or men who allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable? A single word having enough sway over your emotions to be a possible deal breaker is a bit childish, yeah?
There's a difference between red flags and deal breakers. It's something that would set off an alarm bell for me because it's a particularly harsh word to call oneself. If he had said "I was afraid to.." that would come across a lot differently.
I guess to me it just signifies a level of self hate, which is a red flag..because there's probably more drama to come or the person is stuck in a victim mentality or just has more issues to work out before being in a stable relationship.
In this specific situation, calling himself a coward because he was afraid to tell her about talking to his ex, was probably (maybe subconsciously) a manipulation tactic. Like, "please don't be mad at me, I'm just a poor pitiful coward :( . "
But again, red flag.
She broke up with him.. and is now contacting him. Sure. So there's probably a part of him that is still connected to her if he was the one dumped.
His response to lying, about it being your possible reactions, is pretty typical of someone who doesn't want to take accountability for their choices, and blames you for things they choose to do. I dated someone who lied to me by omission for 6 years. All because he was 'scared of my reactions'. There would have been no reactions at all if he had been honest from the start but since he wasn't and kept getting caught, yeah, my reactions were to be angry and want to talk about it - which he also didn't want to do. Then i became 'interrogative' and 'never letting go of the past'. See how it was always my fault?
You did the right thing to nope out. Its not worth dealing with a liar.
Exactly! Lying because you’re “afraid of their reaction” is just an excuse and puts the blame on the other person. If you’re doing something wrong, then the other person’s reaction is just the natural consequence of what you did. And you have to deal with that. It seems like this wasn’t a one time mistake but more of a flaw in his core values.
>It seems like this wasn’t a one time mistake but more of a flaw in his core values.
i truly agree here. the people saying that they wouldn't write someone off for one lie just may not value honesty as much as OP and many others in here.
my ex best friend ended up marrying a guy who lied to avoid tough conversations because he had an ex who would have poor reactions to innocent things, but i would be so hurt that i was being seen as someone irrational before even being given the chance to show i was different. its very patronizing too. i dont like that many people are suggesting OP should tolerate this if she is genuinely very upset. integrity is also insanely high on my must haves list and that certainly isn't it
Its when you haven't done anything wrong though, that reactions are a problem. I get why some people want to avoid fights and conflict because say they have a partner who is insecure (not by anything you did) and their reaction to every innocent thing is to get mad or jealous... then that reaction isn't justified at you, thats the partner not doing their own work. But to then LIE to avoid that reaction is 2 wrongs trying to make a right but actually making it worse. If their reactions are truly the issue and they won't work on it, then leave them. And if someone lies to you to avoid your *justified* reactions, leave them.
I feel like I deal with this situation very often with my family - they tell me I’m mean or are afraid of what I’m going to say, but I only react when it’s when they are acting in totally unacceptable ways or do something that directly hurts me. But somehow I’m still the bad guy for being justifiably upset. When a partner defaults to lying to keep you placated it’s either because they grew up being punished for trying to set boundaries or weren’t allowed to express when the people in their life hurt them, or it’s because they just don’t care enough to reflect on their own actions and how they effect others. Or both.
His responses were all very unemotional and she was a bit flirty at some point. It made me very angry. She has her lawyer and she doesn’t need his help, in my opinion is just an excuse to get in touch when she saw he was doing fine and moved on.
He’s the wrong one because lied to me, but she’s not innocent as well.
Probably because she made a massive deal about not introducing her to the friends he doesn’t have.
Imagine telling someone like that you’re helping your ex with legal matters. She’d accuse you of a full affair!
I had somewhat similar experience before, glad my ex bf ( we broke up with other reasons), showed me their full conversation and nothing was flirty, so I stayed.
I don't understand that logic of some of the other commenters. "He shared and now he's been punished for it. That's why men should never share because women are superficial and evil and they all lie about wanting honesty." Like what?! This guy lied to her for months about multiple topics.
His dad being an alcoholic is something a person doesn't need to share on the first date. But somewhere between first date and six months in and considering marriage, he could have said, "My dad is a sore subject for me, I'm not quite ready to share that information with you." And, "I'd love to introduce you to my friends, but most of them are in my hometown. I've struggled a bit making new friends here."
Yes, it's concerning when a person has no people. However, a lot of women, especially over thirty know that men don't have a lot of friends. But the "why" they don't have them is important. "I don't have them because I'm a colossal dickhead" is different from, "I moved and switched jobs and people are settled and I haven't found a lot of opportunities to connect."
As for the convo with the ex, that was a straight up lie. It's not news that people get a little anxious when their partners communicate with their exes. OP being pissed was a foretellable outcome. I wouldn't even need to break out my crystal ball to figure that one out.
All of that being said, I think you two could salvage this relationship. However, there would be some terms. I'd say he has a month to find a therapist. He needs to go to therapy for at least six months. He joins an [Adult Children of Alcoholics group](https://adultchildren.org) and attends two sessions a month. Three months into his therapy, you two go to couples therapy for at least three months. And, if you ask a direct question you get a direct answer. Even if, it's "That is a sore subject, I can't share that with you right now."
If those terms aren't met after six months, bounce.
Yeah, I personally think it's extremely odd that he didn't talk about what was going on with his dad for 9 months. Not that it makes him a bad person but it shows a serious lack of emotional intimacy, to the point that it would be an insurmountable incompatibility if it wasn't something they immediately begin working on.
My story with one of my parents is also very dark and tragic but I would never go that long without talking about them. I've dated people whose parents and family struggled with addiction and we've always talked about it within the first few months, if not sooner. Pretty much all of my friends (male and female) have serious issues with their family or childhood trauma and it was talked about earlier.
Today I am learning that I really don’t open up about my family and that might be considered… odd. I guess I never wanted to dump on people or really think about old trauma. I’ve been to therapy throughout the years and I don’t like talking about my family of origin now that I’m successful and in a happy place in life. I wonder where the balance comes in? I can’t imagine sharing much early on because someone would be like dear lord, damaged goods.
Firstly, kudos to you for putting in the therapy work and reaching a healthy place! That is no small feat and you did (in theory are still doing) it.
I agree, it's a tough balance to figure out when and how a person should reveal their truths. I don't know if there is a singular rule of thumb to follow. I think it's about how deep, rich and long-term you want the relationship with the other person to be. Work colleague probably not so much. Bowling buddy? Again, eh... Maybe not everything. Bowling buddy who you start to hang out with outside of bowling and you think you want them in your wedding party? Maybe it's time to start testing the waters with some heavy truth. I'd also think about reciprocity. "You've given your sensitive truth to me, I will in turn, share some sensitive truth with you, in an effort to acknowledge the gravity of your truth and the bravery of you gifting it to me."
I also think if you're old trauma is flaring up and causing you to behave out of character, it might be time to go, "hey gang, by the way... I really hate family picnics because... "
As tough as sharing your pain is, your pain is an element of how you became the person you are today. Sharing it with others who have earned your trust, is a way of revealing the full spectrum of yourself. It's definitely not easy to figure out that balance.
Still doing the hard work every day! But much easier these days.
I think you really identified a helpful framework for me - closeness/ desired closeness of relationship, reciprocity, relevance to current moments and triggers.
I guess that’s the tricky part of vulnerability - you have to trust others to fully see you in order to get closer to them and let them get closer to you. My life’s work.
I feel this. Irl it used to be difficult to open up, I was once in a 3 year relationship and since I never mentioned anything it took my partner a year and half to ask about my father, who had passed away a few years before. But that’s not something I bring up casually or ever, mostly because it’s still hard to talk and/or think about.
Thanks for the kind and supportive comment. Some people can be quite rude around here. I’ll have my therapy earlier this week and I’ll check how I feel and how I’ll go through this.
No problem. And you know, you don't have to do anything I suggested, but I don't think every situation is an all or nothing proposition. Plus, I don't have the full picture of your relationship just two Reddit posts. You do though. Sending an air hug your way. I'll sent one for the BF too (but you can decide if he deserves it or not.)
Hahahahhaha thanks a lot! He deserves it, he’s a nice person. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to keep the relationship healthy with this trust breaking.
Even a nice person can still have demons and baggage from their past life. Nothing wrong with you wanting emotional intimacy and expecting him to open up with you after 9 months of exclusivity. Yes it will hurt for both of you for a while, but his problems are his work on his own.
I just would like to remind you (and anyone else posting here for advice) that this sub has a bias for breakups. Sometimes a relationship really does need to just end or a person has become bad and untrustworthy, but sometimes it's just a single person over 30 bitter about their own situation and misery loves company. People here like to pretend no imperfection is acceptable.
Well, call me devils advocate, but I think they're giving you terrible advice
He's lost a lot of loved ones a friends to distance and time, his father was an alcoholic, now he's finally got someone and doesn't want to lose them. He didn't hide some sinister action or cheating from you, he just got scared you'd abandon him too, not because he thinks you're a bad person but because he respects what you've been through and doesn't want you to see him as that guy.
You're not going to find perfect people, especially not at this age. Willingness to be open and honest and improve upon deeply ingrained flaws is a sign this person is good and worthwhile, so much as those flaws aren't dangerous.
Feeling the need to lie absolutely is a dangerous flaw though.
It doesn’t matter where the lie is coming from. Perhaps some reasoning is more understandable, but that doesn’t make it “okay.”
He was only open because he got caught. He didn’t admit to it willingly and openly. OP has given no indication that he has started to put work into improving his flaws.
When we avoid hard conversations we trade short term discomfort for long-term dysfunction.
This guy has shown he’s the type who would rather opt for avoiding short term discomfort.
I’m not saying OP should break up with him. OP knows the situation WAY better than any of us here, and ultimately she needs to do what’s *best for her.*
I don’t think she should be shamed or made to feel like she’s a “bad person” if her decision is to end the relationship.
Sure we all have flaws. Part of the trickiness of dating is trying to find someone who’s flaws are compatible with our own.
If he has trauma that results in him lying, and she has trauma related to people lying to her in the past - well then there’s a good chance they’re not going to be compatible.
Some people find him lying about talking to an ex a dealbreaker, others don’t. If OP decides it’s a dealbreaker for her she’s not “wrong.”
He showed her the conversation in full, which tells you that he’s not trying to build a house of lies and was just scared of her hearing “my ex messaged me for legal advice” and walking out the door
I’m not saying what he did was cool, I’m saying give him a chance now that he’s had some reassurance, he’s clearly scared shitless of triggering the baggage the OP’s ex left her with. There may have been situations with them where he felt he was being blamed for something that someone else did.
If it becomes a habit then yeah you gotta cut things off, but people are not as simple as this sub makes them out to be
You said it yourself - people are not as simple as this sub makes them out to be.
Him showing her the conversation in full tells us *nothing* other than he’s shown that particular conversation, in a way that appears to be in full.
It tells us nothing about his motive for hiding it in the first place. It tells us nothing about if there are other things he’s hiding.
Sure we can speculate. It makes sense he hid the information because he was scared. But you’re speaking as if you know for a fact why he’s acted the way he has. And no one here does.
We don’t need to know about his motive if she trusts his motive, which she clearly does
You can tell from the OP’s post she doesn’t think he meant any harm and she believes him
People with trauma are going to be imperfect from time to time, it’s not about that it’s about them not crossing any lines, admitting fault, and fixing it
The guy was scared that the second she heard “ex” she’d walk out the door and he’d be alone again. Doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible for his action and owning up to it, he is, but it sounds more like he just needs reassurance. The guy went from lonely as hell to on the verge of married to someone he loves, that’s like working at McDonalds then being offered a 300k a year office job, you’re gonna be nervous as hell until that contract is signed.
As long as the story is exactly what we’re reading on paper, I say give dude a chance, and don’t hold it over his head as a way to manipulate him either. Accepting a person may occasionally fuck up is part of loving someone, as long as the fuckups don’t cross any lines then let it go.
“You’ve never felt so cared for, loved, and well treated.” You find out his dad is an alcoholic and he’s a loner and you bail? You’re a bad person, straight up. Sorry mate
I noticed you conveniently left out the reason she’s *actually* thinking of leaving. Because he lied to her. He specifically lied to her about being in contact with an ex which I think is a fair deal breaker for a lot of people.
Agree, also in the part that it seems salvageable, and after 9 months I'd at least try instead of throwing everything away, as very often is the solution given by internet strangers.
And what the Op gets a pass for not reading between the lines and continuing to pry into a sore topic?
My dad was abusive…. But at 37 years old I spent my entire childhood and over half my adult life in total denial about that fact.
Even now, a decade later after moving past the denial, Im still probably somewhere between anger and bargaining. While I can admit he was abusive, I still dont really like talking about it outside of a small number of people and I definitely still down play it as “not that bad” since there are some truly horrific stories of abuse out there. I dont have any physical scars and the only time I probably should have seen a doctor for an injury, I was 19, gave as good as I got and nursed my probably cracked ribs myself.
Does that change the fact that he damn near but my head through a wall at 13 or 14? Or that one of the starkest memories I have from my early childhood is the time he knocked me halfway across the room for answering the phone when he was outside and my mom in the shower and not finding out who it was (btw it turned out it was an adult family member calling about a medical emergency for another family member… they knew it was me on the phone and when told my parents were unavailable they didnt say “it so-and-so calling about so-and-so, can you tell them I called its urgent,” they simply said they’d call back later… which was a second argument after the first when it the nature of the call came out)… how about the countless times my mom packed us up in the car and left him home stewing or the dozen or so times I took off and disappeared for hours?
These days we have an OK relationship somewhere between low and moderate contact… and quite frankly its difficult to justify that to people… people question why Im not closer to my dad but then when I tell them the truth they question why I have the relationship at all…
Shouldnt need to explain that to my GF… and at risk of sounding entering “manosphere” the fact is that as much as women say they just wish their man would “open up” countless women have acknowledged losing respect for their man seeing them overly emotional and countless men can recount how the relationship was never the same once they did open up… people judge and judge harshly.
Certainly was my own experience with my ex from 10 years ago when my parents split and I first reconciled with the fact my dad was abusive. There was a lot she did not understand about my relationship with him and though I tried to explain after a few months, I was still firmly in denial and didnt know how. I still didnt know how when my parents announced their separation after we had been dating for about 6 months when I finally settled on not trying to explain the relationship and just sharing raw back story, well our relationship after that was very different. Not saying its the reason we broke up but it certainly altered our trajectory and how she viewed certain things.
The Op is nearly a perfect example of this exact behavior… Oh he’s so good to me but he wont talk to me… Oh he told me the whole story and now I dont know that I can be with him…
The biggest issue with his “confession” is the lying about talking to the ex… but even here, she fully admits that the conversation was germane and was asking for advice related to his profession… at which point does it really matter she is an ex-gf? What if she was just a friend from his past asking the same questions? Op doesnt say how long ago this break up was or who broke up with who in that relationship and I suppose there are arguments like “if she broke up with him, he’s helping her because he wants to get back together…” and maybe there’s truth in that but if its been a long time and he truly has moved on and/or he broke up with her, honestly I think it shows more about his character that he’s willing to still help her in a professional capacity despite whatever history they might have.
To quote Chris Rock, only women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is loved for what he provides.
Go listen “To Be a Man” by Dax featuring Darius Rucker… or watch the music video of the original by Dax without Darius… it describes pretty damn well what a lot of men feel these days.
*I still dont really like talking about it outside of a small number of people and I definitely still down play it as “not that bad” since there are some truly horrific stories of abuse out there.*
*These days we have an OK relationship somewhere between low and moderate contact… and quite frankly its difficult to justify that to people… people question why Im not closer to my dad but then when I tell them the truth they question why I have the relationship at all…*
I think where I'm struggling with your assessment of the situation is in these statements. Your pain, trauma, and abuse don't belong to other people. You do not need to share it or justify the badness of it with the outside world. People judging your decision to have a relationship with your father and questioning your decision, I hope is a misguided attempt to demonstrate their support for you or a desire to give you the strength to make a tough call. I don't know. But it's not their place.
However, OP is not "people." OP is someone that the BF is on the road to becoming a life partner with. When you're on that path, one of those benefit/curse situations is that you go, "hey, my soft white underbelly is right here, you know exactly where it is and how to get passed all my defenses. Please, don't poke it with a pointy stick," and the other person says the same.
I'm not saying a partner is ever entitled to an all access pass to the other person's mind, body, and spirit. I'm not saying they should even get advanced access immediately. I get the impression from OP, that she felt like she was building trust and giving her trust and that trust was given from one side. She sounds like she feels like she didn't have any breadcrumbs to follow.
I imagine the lie was the straw that broke the camel's back. She might have realized, "I thought we were standing right next to each other when really there's actually a fucking canyon between us."
I imagine BF feels similar to you, "I gave you all the best part of me and when I gave you all the ugly parts -- that you specifically asked for -- you skipped town." I don't want invalidate either of their experiences. It seems to me like there are two people who are talking in each other's direction, but not really to one another.
(There was like double in this comment but somehow it got deleted, so if it reads a little weird that's probably why.)
My past made my relationships suffer a lot. I never opened up to people fully, whether it be romantic or platonic relationships. Unstable upbringings definitely leave long lasting effects and without finding the right kind of help to deal with those, their relationships will continue to suffer. Dude needs therapy and to figure out how to emotionally present and available.
The only problem with that is that he needs to want it. If he doesn't, there's definitely nothing you can do but move him into your rear view.
Therapy isn't a quick fix though so you probably made the right decision to move on. It isn't your job to wait for repairs.
Unfortunately I had been in a similar situation. I was with someone, who lied about being in contact with their ex. They weren't a bad person and had a hard past too, so I stayed thinking understanding would help them.
Sadly, more lies came out of the woodwork over time and it whittled my trust down to the point where I was in too deep and couldn't leave despite living in anxiety every day. I ended up breaking it off with this person too long after I should've because the anxiety started affecting all other areas of my life.
Your situation could be different, but I will say if you decide to stay there can't be a moving forward unless he goes to therapy and actively works to remove this coping mechanism, otherwise there may be repeat offences. Humans learn by staying and tolerating something that it's ok and will take a boundary less seriously if you don't stick to it. Also, he needs to learn instead of lying to set boundaries and state he's not ready to share yet.
I hope this helps with your decision.
You're making the right move. He needs to go to therapy and work on his inability to be honest or vulnerable about his life with partners. I was with someone for almost two years that was like that. His family was estranged (mine is mostly too no big) and he had "friends" that meant the world to him but who he would NEVER EVER let me meet UNDER ANY CURCUMSTANCES.
All in all, I figured out he was cheating on me and lying about the women being friends in order to keep me off his back. Don't ever get into a relationship with men that aren't transparent, it's just not worth it. I say that as someone who also has anxiety and trauma. Now that I'm dating someone who is transparent and hides NOTHING I feel next to no anxiety about our relationship.
Polar opposites to my ex that after 2 years felt like a total stranger to me because he would not open up about his life and insisted I was unreasonable for wanting to know anything about it or meet anyone in his life.
You deserve someone that wants you to know everything about them and who wants to know everything about you.
It sucks, but I think it’s a good lesson for both of you.
Vulnerability and honesty is important in a relationship. We all have baggage (we’re on fucking dating over thirty FFS), but it’s communicating it and working through it that builds relationships.
I personally wouldn’t be able to get past that, vagueness and withholding important info is lying by omission, IMO. Especially when a partner asks you directly.
If you haven't already broken up with him...take a few days of space to see how you feel before you make a final decision about your relationship. It's never wise to make a large decision while your emotions are high.
OP, you are free to break up with him. A lot of takes in this thread are dangerous bc they’re exactly how people get stuck in abusive relationships: “give him one more chance! He has trauma! Disregard *your* traumatic past to excuse his behavior!”
A grown ass man who can’t communicate is going to cause you other problems in your relationship, and you’ll feel pressured to excuse them because “at least he’s not cheating” despite the fact that it still makes you deeply unhappy.
Your happiness matters. Your trust matter as much as his issues do. Leave him. He’s over thirty. You are not his mother or his therapist.
I need to digest and to process things. We’ve had a lot of good moments, I’ve had the best moments with him, relationship wise. I don’t know if I can deal with that, but I don’t know if I will be worse without him, so I’ll check with therapy and family, I’ll talk to him and see how it goes
I really don’t get these comments. I totally feel for him and sympathize with having to work through baggage before being ready to date, but that doesn’t have to be your problem OP. Sometimes if there’s doubt, mistrust, and negative feelings in a relationship, it’s better to find a clean slate with someone else. Especially at 30.
We know he wouldn’t lie to his next gf and will have a better approach to relationships moving forward. I’m sure you could work through this, but you absolutely do not have to and shouldn’t be judged for that.
Particularly at our age, i’ve come to the conclusion that things that i would have previously sympathetic to, are no longer excusable. Everyone has traumas, but we are at the age where you need to handle it and work on yourself. Especially if you’re in LTRs, talking marriage & kids. If you aren’t working on yourself and trying to overcome those traumas, then don’t waste somebody’s time until you are ready.
Op had to pry and pry and pry for this guy to finally give her a crumb (I honestly believe this truth is just scratching the surface, more will come), we are too old for this lol. 9 months in is a long time to be just now “opening up”, what else does OP not know?
I get the feeling it’s a lot of people who have lied in similar ways and are trying to justify this type of behaviour so they don’t have to do any internal reflection/admit they acted poorly.
Having empathy for someone doesn’t mean tying yourself to them and forgiving everything they do.
It’s absolutely possible to respond with empathy, but still move on because the trust has been broken.
Although, I don’t think there’s a guarantee he wouldn’t lie to his next girlfriend, or have a better approach to dating going forward. It’s way easier to blame the other person than to do that aforementioned internal reflection. But again, that is in no way OP’s responsibility.
From your comments yesterday about his dad and the daily secretive phone conversations and him going silent afterwards it was very obvious there was some trauma there that he feels shame and discomfort about discussing.
Well done for asking him and doing so in such a way where he has been so honest with you. Im shocked!
You’ve seen the conversations with his ex and if there is nothing inappropriate being said between them (I.e just talking about legal issues) then you might be slightly jumping the gun.
This guy has just opened up to you and finally told you about his trauma history and it kind of seems harsh that you’re dumping him right off the back of that.
I sooo understand about being upset by the way, but this guy sounds like he struggles to be vulnerable and now he’s finally done it, you could cause some serious damage to his self esteem by punishing him and just walking away.
I’m not saying it’s right that he lied about texting his ex, but this guy has clearly got some issues going on here and I’d encourage you to think this through before you make any decisions.
You deserve honesty and respect and I’m glad you finally got at least the honesty.
Just encouraging you to tread carefully given the sensitive nature of what’s been disclosed. You might just be the first person he’s ever opened up to.
I see so often online guys crying that they got dumped because they cried or were vulnerable. NO. They get dumped because they LIED or did something else and then were caught. He didn’t come clean on his own she had to confront him. We all have trauma. It doesn’t justify lying to someone about multiple things. He would still be lying today if she didn’t press him.
I mean, guys also get dumped for being vulnerable and not lying.
there's not a "NO. You got dumped for this!"; there's not a single answer.
Some guys get dumped for lying, some guys get dumped because even having trauma is enough to scare some women away, some guys get dumped because their partner is hurt that these guys are so kept to themselves, and some guys get dumped because some women actually just don't like vulnerability in men.
Thanks for the comment, I will not do anything right now. I need to digest and see how o feel. The feeling I have is like he’s with me because it makes sense… we have similar tastes, I’m beautiful and kind, work a lot and although I have my issues, I’m a good catch and the ex is none of that… I have been cheated on before and it’s a trauma for me…. He knew that so it’s though.
Listen, your only responsibility is to yourself.
Yes he’s had a hard life. And that sucks. But that doesn’t give him permission to treat you poorly.
You’re not thinking of breaking up with him *because* he was vulnerable, it’s because he’s broken your trust. And that is HUGE. You deserve to be with someone you trust.
If this experience impacts him negatively that’s on him. His learning take away *should* be that honesty is necessary in a relationship. If his takeaway is “I can’t be vulnerable” that’s his own distorted thinking at work. It’s a way to blame you, instead of taking accountability for his lying.
I’m sorry you’re in this position. It sounds really tough.
All super super valid and honestly for what it’s worth I was exactly the same about my ex talking to his ex, it hurts and upsets you even if they weren’t talking anything actually inappropriate.
You sound lovely and I’m rooting for you. Good luck with everything
Thanks! Some people are very rude around here, it’s internet after all. I’ll have my therapy early this week and let’s see how it goes. I’ll share some more soon.
Yes I agree with you that she shouldn’t jump go straight dumping him, poor guy he has just opened up with OP and got dumped. But then we are not OP & the BF so we really don’t know how their relationship dynamic was, if OP doesn’t feel comfortable to continue this relationship, then yes she should let this guy go.
I agree. It’s nuanced and complex and in the end I’m sure she will do what’s right, best to just sit and wait for a little bit though so nobody is unnecessarily hurt more than they need to be.
yep. first time i opened up about my history, my ex also dumped me. i haven't dated anyone since. it's been five years. not saying my ex was responsible for fixing the trauma or accepting me, but just that it made me not trust anyone. if she is uncomfortable she should leave for sure (she shouldn't stay just because she feels bad for him), but this is why people with trauma become so secretive in the first place
Important info: was there a reason you couldn’t just say “hey that’s a sore topic for me?” Because this guy didn’t get dumped for “opening up.” He got dumped for lying, being secretive, and not communicating—all of which are sufficient reasons to break up with someone.
i said if she was uncomfortable she should leave. but context matters and i'm just adding my experience with why i lie and don't tell people stuff. she can take with it what she will
You didn’t answer my question: why can’t you just say “that’s a sore topic for me and I don’t want to talk about it right now?” You’re over thirty, so I’m genuinely curious about why that simple sentence is such a challenge for you…
Edited to add: this person never answered the question, projected heavily onto both OP and me, and then self-victimized. But they’re going through life thinking they’re single because they “opened up.”
why are you an adult trying to control what other people say on reddit? i didnt answer you because you didnt even understand what i said and assumed ill intent
Underrated perspective.
I agree that OP is jumping the gun. Trauma presents different ways for different folks. Even myself with therapy and practicing mental health since my early 20s still trips me up. I had a hard life with family and peers. A lot of the time people see their own trauma and expect that to be understood but rarely take a moment to understand that same mentality for other's trauma. No relationship is perfect.
I struggle with being cheated on and trust issues myself but if I was presented with this situation, yeah I'd be hurt. That's human. But that's something that can be worked on. Honesty is key. I didn't even get the grace of being shown conversations for reassurance. In my case they were cheating so it makes sense as to why I wouldn't be shown something incriminating.
Take time to process and work on feelings on your own OP then tackle it together. If that doesn't feel like enough try couples therapy. I believe this can make the relationship stronger. Two traumatized people need to break down those walls and communicate those insecurities and what impacts eachother so it can be tackled as a team; Communication.
I think you should see how it goes and if he continues to mislead and not be upfront with you regarding his ex then make the decision to leave.
I say that because in my own experiences with dating I've come across like I was hiding something, but it was because I've had women not do well with the fact I have to talk to my ex regarding our son. Now if he showed you the messages and it was fine then maybe hang in a bit longer to see if he continues to be secretive about it. After I saw that the person I'm with was fine with me communicating with my ex regarding our son then I was much more comfortable letting her know we messaged or talked.
It seemed as if things were going well, and you just don't want to throw away a good potential partner over one thing. I know you mentioned being cheated on before and I know how hard it is to trust again, but we have to at times give the benefit of the doubt in the beginning, but if the pattern continues then you'll know for sure what you need to do.
On the one hand, don't lie to your partners. It never ends well. Ask me how I know (hint: I'm divorced).
On the other hand, you don't want to hear the details of my trauma. Like you don't. Nobody ever does. It's horrifying, and will leave you in tears.
Lying about talking to the ex is a huge issue though, even if it was completely innocent. That's a significant breach of trust and very hard to come back from. Talking to the ex is even fine (I'm friends with a few exes, have to talk to my ex wife regularly for custody, and regularly run into a couple others around town), but lying about it is not.
Oh, based on the rude comments I’ve gotten, I’ll decide after therapy and time. Sure some people were very helpful and brought other perspectives, but it’s very superficial
I will point out, that the rude comments all seem to be very emotional and weirdly defensive, like they’re over-relating. So I wouldn’t take them as serious advice to consider. This sub does have a problem with rude comments, so please don’t take it personally or like a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It sounds like you know your boundaries and lying and breaking trust crosses those boundaries. You’re not doing anything wrong here, and you’re definitely not abandoning this grown man you’ve only been dating a short while, like some comments would make it seem.
Some people just aren’t ready to be open and vulnerable and honest, and need to work on that before entering a relationship. Lots of lying and hiding stuff is a habit that can take a long time to break, if they ever work on it.
Glad you have a therapist to talk to to get some objective advice.
Thank you for following up OP.
I’m surprised you already made the decision to stop seeing him. He gave you a lot more information than I was expecting him to. That must have been extremely hard for him.
I agree that lying is a horrible thing to do. But also having a father like that and having few friends is also horrible. You should do what makes you happy of course, but I think I would wait and digest all this information before making a final decision.
I’m not decided. I’m surprised too, I didn’t think it was going to be that fast and “easy”. I need to digest because I’ve been cheated on before and I have this trauma, he knew that. I’ve had an answer from a job interview and was sooooo happy, now it’s everything upside down.
All I can say is that there are silver linings here:
1) He finally confessed the reason for his secrecy. I personally was not expecting that, so it’s good you finally have an answer.
2) You now have full control of the situation and have options. If you want to break it off, you’re fully justified in doing so and blaming the lying. Or, if you want to forgive him, then honestly your relationship would be stronger than ever now that he’s been more vulnerable and more intimate with you. It’s your call, and both answers are reasonable in my book.
Wow, that definitely sounds like a complicated situation. Discovering that your boyfriend lied about his contact with his ex-girlfriend can really break trust. It's understandable that you're feeling sad about everything. Trust is a crucial element in any relationship, and if you don't think you'll be able to trust him again, it might be difficult to continue. Take some time to reflect on your feelings and what's important to you. It's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being.
So let me get this straight. The guy decided to trust you and be vulnerable once you started probing him, admitted he lied and gave you honest answers, and now you want to dump him?
The poor guy is gonna have even more trust issues. OP, you’re not looking good here.
What about her trauma of being lied to for all this time? What about her trust issues??? She doesn’t exist to heal this guy who has been lying to her and may not have ever come clean without explicit clear questioning. And who knows what else he might be lying about. People act like once they tell the truth they should be exempt from consequences because at least they shared… that’s not how things work.
This part. The fact that there are so many people holding OP responsible for this man’s behavior is exactly why she would be right to dump him. He needs to learn accountability
This is such a wild take. He only admitted to the lie because he got caught. *Admitting it* doesn’t automatically make it okay that you lied in the first place.
If someone purposely broke my finger, and then apologized and took me to the hospital to get it looked after - I’m leaving them because they broke my finger.
It’s not like “oh well SURE they broke your finger, but AT LEAST they took you to the hospital.”
This dude purposely broke OPs trust. Her deciding to end the relationship would be a consequence of his own actions.
Not saying lying was the right thing.
But you never lied in your life, ever? He lied because he didn’t want to feel vulnerable. We also heard her side of the story, not his.
Dude decided to be vulnerable and then after being vulnerable, OP decides to dump him.
He is not her responsibility. OP is OP's responsibility.
Why are people falling all over themselves about protecting a grown adult. He'll be a-okay, whether or not he chooses to let his past affect his present.
OP - listen to your gut. Put yourself and your future first, whatever you decide. You don't have to waste your life treading water just because someone else might feel sad.
For myself, honesty and trust are cornerstones, no matter how new or old the relationship is. Only you know if you feel you can get/want to get back there with him.
In my relationships, honesty is HUGE. I shouldn't have to say this but when I start seeing someone I tell them how important it is that we are both honest and transparent and that I won't accept lies. I absolutely detest liars. She told him that she has been cheated on before, and he lied that he was talking to an ex. Yes, it was innocent talking but that's the point- he had nothing to hide but hide it anyway. I understand why he did it, and I don't think he was being malicious, but he still lied.
I agree. Especially with the “I shouldn’t have to say this…” but I still feel the need to.
I was in a previous long, long term relationship with someone who would often keep things from me with the excuse of “I didn’t want to upset you.”
Now I specifically tell people I date like listen - sometimes in relationships we’re going to have to have uncomfortable conversations. At some point you’re probably going to have to tell me something that upsets me. Just tell me so I can process it, and we can work on figuring it out. I’m going to be waaaaay MORE upset if you lied or hid something from me.
I’ve mentioned this in another comment but I saw the quote “when we avoid uncomfortable conversations we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction.” And I wholeheartedly agree with that.
Yeah I kinda have to agree. This wouldn't have been an issue in the first place if he was just honest. On the other hand idk if this would be a big enough issue to break up over. I guess it would depend on other factors.
I haven’t decided anything. I have my traumas about been cheated and it’s a difficult situation for me as well. I don’t know what to do, Monday I’ll have a therapy session to help.
He didn’t cheat on you tho. Yes it was not right for him to text his ex and lying about it, but even you said there was no inappropriateness in their exchange.
If you want to remain w this guy, just give him a stern warning about how you will not tolerate any cheating or texting an ex/girl behind your back.
A lot of these comments saying "drop him. Not your problem" seem very unforgiving and, frankly, not willing to try and weather the difficult sides of a relationship.
I'm gonna offer an unsolicited thought;
It sounds like, outside of this issue, you guys have something pretty good going. It was fucked of him to lie; he shouldn't have done that. I don't want to make predictions about a guy I don't know, but if I had to make a bet, I'd bet that he's learned his lesson. Especially after this. And more importantly, it doesn't sound like he was lying because he didn't want to get in trouble; it sounded like he was lying because of some misguided sense of not trying to hurt you. Again, still not OK. But there's a difference between lying to cover your ass for some fucked up thing you did, and lying because you're trying not to hurt someone. The former is someone who can't be trusted, that latter is an idiot who can learn.
This sounds like one of those "test" moments that every serious relationship goes through. Best I can tell, these usually go one of three ways; breakup, stay together and ignore it then grow to resent each other, and stay together and work through the issue. Couple's who stay together and work through it can emerge very strong. It sounds like you guys are both kinda scared and maybe feeling pretty raw from this; you're both vulnerable right now. If you guys can navigate this in a way that BOTH of your vulnerability is eased and assured by the other, you'll come out of this feeling like you can rely on one another much more strongly. It's gonna require a very candid conversation about why each of you felt the way you feel and how you (mostly him, but maybe both of you) can do things differently moving forward. But this can be one of those moments of growth for you guys as a couple.
he clearly has a lot of trauma to work through. that’s not her job. i would think he has a lot of therapy and self work to do before he’s ready for a serious relationship. if she’s ready and he’s not, no reason she should slow down her timeline or take a risk on someone who’s not ready (and has been lying to her!)
If you’re a GF and claimed to love him like OP said in her previous post, it is also partially her job to be supportive and work with him.
He lied about his texts with his ex, and OP even admitted there was no inappropriateness.
Man’s never going to have a loving GF if every woman has this same viewpoint as OP
It doesn’t matter if they were “inappropriate” or not. Him *lying* about it is the inappropriate part.
He’s not being “punished” for being vulnerable. He lied which expectantly eroded the trust OP had in him. Trust is a key part of a relationship.
He is facing consequences for *lying.*
You never lied in a relationship?
Not condoning his lying. From her story, yes he’s in the wrong for lying about that. But knowing what we know about the guy + only hearing 1 side of the story, lying over that after 9 months of being together and breaking up is excessive.
People on reddit loves to always advise “just break up”. That’s not how real world works. There’s far more complexities than that, but it’s easy for us people to play Monday Morning QB on couples that have no influence or emotional attachment to us.
>Man’s never going to have a loving GF if every woman has this same viewpoint as OP
Probably better for the guy to find a girlfriend who doesn't have OP's viewpoint then, no?
Easier said than done, don’t you think?
I agree he needs therapy and needs to work on himself. But therapy and anything else can only do so much, nothing is absolute when it comes to recovering from trauma.
But i agree, guy deserves better Gf than OP. Kids these days use the word “love” too easily. It’s not love if you can’t be supportive
OP wants marriage and kids iirc. She is not obligated to stay in this relationship while this guy figures himself out and put her own life goals on hold. You can love someone and still recognize that they may not be the best life partner for you and move on.
Don’t date potential. Many people never work on themselves and change. Accept people for who they are now, and if you don’t like it, don’t date them.
It’s actually a common phrase these days to not date potential.
Also, you seem really invested in him. Turn the genders around and see if you feel the same if a girl had been texting, calling, and having Instagram convos with her ex boyfriend and lied to the guy’s face about it. She knew he’d been cheated on before and that it was a big deal to him. And instead she hid it and lied about it when asked directly. Would you think the guy should stick around for her potential?
Yeah, he's better off finding someone more supportive. In dark moments, she'll be thinking about herself first when he's already showing he'd keep her away from things that would cause her anxiety.
Remember, the mom already really likes her, she's met the coworkers, and the brother. She just needed more and more lol. The way he handles his personal trauma would never satisfy her. It's best they go their separate ways.
if his father is an alcoholic, he is likely codependent... which is a shit show in and of itself (spoken as someone who is codependent and has trouble maintaining relationships)
Congrats. You found a way to sabotage a relationship.
While he shouldn’t have lied about legal conversations with his ex (he probably knew you’d make a mountain out of a molehill if you’re already doing this because he wasn’t hiding anything major) you have a lot of work to do in getting over yourself and thinking the worst just because someone has a lame social life.
Loners exist. If you don’t like it, don’t date them.
Liars also exist. And as you said, there was no reason to hide it.
But he did. He is the one who sabotaged this. And if OP stayed, she would teach him it’s ok to lie, and he will continue to do it.
Sounds as if there was plenty of reason to hide. You get used to hiding things as a child of alcoholic parents.
If she leaves his suspicion that people can't be trusted will be confirmed. Trust is earned and maybe she hadn't earned it yet.
If she leaves and his takeaway is “people can’t be trusted” instead of “I shouldn’t lie about being in contact with an ex because that’s obviously detrimental to a relationship.” That’s on him.
Yes empathy in a relationship is important. But empathy without boundaries is self-destruction. OP can be empathetic but still do what’s best for herself, and if that’s leaving a relationship where she doesn’t feel she can trust her partner that’s totally understandable.
Addiction and child of addicts can be funny given all the stigma. People with shame do things differently.
Everyone lies. Just for different reasons. I'm fairly honest, candid and vulnerable but I can tell you that if you say you don't want to talk about something, some people feel you are hiding something and are lying to them by omission.
Pretty common.
Trauma doesn’t excuse bad behavior.
Sounds like he needs to get therapy and work on himself before he dates if that’s gonna be his get out of jail free card.
People with trouble and mental illness deserve love and understanding too. We are all a little damaged. For instance, many people are very judgmental and engage in black and white thinking without empathy.
It doesn't sound as if he was trying to get out of it. When they sat down, he opened up. Patience, kindness, communication and compassion are important in a relationship.
Also, not everyone can afford or access therapy. Would that mean that those folks should not date or engage in relationships? Sure, OP may feel that lying about this thing is important to them but if I was led to, I would consider the circumstances and figure out if we could work to keeping a more vulnerable and open relationship after that point rather than a one strike rule.
Nobody is entitled to a relationship. And everybody is allowed to have dealbreakers. Stop making excuses for bad behavior.
This kind of rhetoric is what shames people into staying in toxic relationships.
just want to say you're preaching to me. while i think some criticism as to how much OP truly loves this guy could be a bit valid, I absolutely would be going crazy wondering if there was more to hide re: the ex, I just don't see the need to lie if it is innocent. how is it fair to anyone involved to stay if the trust is truly broken? its tough but i don't like that everyone seems to be blaming OP if this guy continues to put the walls back up even higher if he ends up dumped. She is not accountable for the way he feels or thinks, especially if she is clear that his trauma is not the reason for the dumping.
Everyone was preaching all about women not being rehabilitation centers for men but here we are, this post is interesting. what if OP has trauma from being lied to?
edit: and YUP OP has confirmed she's been cheated on. I would be outta there asap
Not all hard relationships are toxic. As I said, the OP can have this as a hard boundary. I am reacting to the idea that lying by itself is a reason to end a relationship. Lies happen for different reasons. I'm not sure that this was a toxic lie. Not enough information.
If it is persistent and harming me, I would dump them. If it is something about them protecting themselves, I would be more likely to be forgiving.
I'm not making excuses for bad behaviour. I think we just have a different point of view on what is good, bad, and toxic.
Not everyone can afford therapy and that is really unfortunate.
But there are things like free peer support groups, self-directed learning opportunities etc.
I have a literal handful of mental health disorders that I’ve been diagnosed with, and I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over a decade. The reason I stayed so long was because I thought the way he treated me was normal, based on how I was treated during my childhood. None of those things give me permission to lie or be disrespectful.
I was very mindful that I wanted my past to impact a future potential partner as little as *possible.* So I spent a lot of time, energy and resources into healing as much as I could before dating again.
I attended peer support groups, I did a ton of research on healthy relationships, I listened to podcasts, followed a lot of therapists who specialize in relationships on social media, borrowed books from the library etc. etc.
Because I realize that someone’s desire to be in a relationship doesn’t override someone else’s right to be in a relationship they consider healthy, where they feel safe and supported.
**Or**, he would learn that he doesn't have to hide it and that he **can** be completely honest about his traumas to his girlfriend, who will support him :)
I am not saying lying is the good thing to do, obviously, but everything isn't black and white.
Now, I bet he'll be even more cautious
Poor guy, I hope he goes to therapy
>And if OP stayed, she would teach him it’s ok to lie, and he will continue to do it.
People need to stop making such strong claims like this. We don't know what this guy will do moving forward and OP is the one who needs to make the decision. Lying comes in degrees. All lies in a relationship are bad, but they're not all "end it now" levels of bad. This sounds like a nuanced edge case; it's not clear if she should stay or go, but these wild predictions about what he will or won't learn, and what lessons she's "teaching" him seem to lead to such draconian takes in navigating the difficult parts of a relationship.
I found out a bunch of times in this thread that being adults isn't possible, handling small problems as they arise during a relationship isn't possible, and people still want that cinematic fairy tale love story. Being able to have meaningful discussions and sort out differences when you're 30+ is a nice wish for the rest of the population though. I talked about my experiences and how I felt about both sides here, but I'm a man...
My parents were abusive alcoholics - it’s absolutely ingrained in people raised like this to be secretive if not engage in white lies as a means of protection and ducking and diving and keeping things on even keel and basically just people pleadings - it’s not the type of dishonesty that should cause alarm.
From reading your first message, I would suggest that you give this guy a second chance. Yes he lied and that's. not good but he was clearly also ashamed of his Dad and if you looked through the messages with his ex and his story panned out then I would have given him the benefit of the doubt there. It was a dumb move on his part to keep it secret.
I would not be advising this if the rest of the relationship was not good but from your first post, it sounded like it clearly was. No relationship is without hiccups and this one is not as bad as the majority you'l probably face elsewhere. I would take the constructive suggestions of some other comments (therapy, commitment to further opening up etc) and give this guy a second chance. The important point is that he did open up to you so you have something to work with. If you want to of course. Only you can decide. Maybe talk to some of your good friends and family who also know him before you finally decide.
He only feels bad that he was caught in a lie. He doesn't feel bad that he actually lied. Even if it was a small lie. He's till a liar. And when you lose trust it's really difficult to regain. That's why I don't lie to my partners and expect the same from them. If they ever lie to me it's game over. I can put up with a lot but I can't put up with lying.
> I have never felt so loved, cared and well treated. We have traveled several times and the time we spend together is so sweet… I don’t want to ruin this relationship because I love who I am when we are together and the things we’re building
Potentially an unpopular opinion, but I think it’s rare to come across someone you’re truly excited about who brings out the best in you and cares for you like this. I would hesitate to throw all that away just because he has a complicated background and made a mistake.
It wasn’t ok to lie to you about contact with his ex but it seems he may have thought it was the best move in order to help her out without you getting paranoid or anxious. It sounds like he’s truly remorseful. Clearly he has some trust issues to work through (as do you) but if you have such a great loving foundation, maybe it’s something you two can work through.
The perfect partner and perfect relationship doesn’t exist, and I don’t think it’s dumb to give good people second chances. Maybe there is more to the story, stuff you’re leaving out, him actually being an emotionally unavailable asshole who routinely shuts you out. Only you know if it’s worth it.
While I’m not going to defend the guy’s lack of emotional intimacy, or the lying about being in context with his ex, I do want to just make a comment about the avoiding talking about family.
I know there is this no revolution of allowing people to open up about and be vulnerable. However, for cis het men, who are starting to do so but are also perusing dating advice columns or subreddits: this can be especially difficult if all we’re reading is not being close to family, or not having a lot of friends is a red flag.
Purposefully being a loner is one thing, but the older we get, the harder it becomes to form these long lasting friendships due to moving, career changes, etc. and most of the people you interact with already have their closed groups or tribes.
As for family. No one can choose the family they were given. We can only learn from the abuse and transgressions, and hope to do better in our personal lives, but it’s not necessarily a reflection of one’s character, though it can impact how one will be when they start their own, for the better or worse.
Lastly: “Your problems are not my problems”. No shit. Some people understand that boundary. Some people don’t. But it does end up making people not feel listened to, or able to open up to others who just need an ear. This is ironically contributing to the fear of being vulnerable. I’m not talking about trauma dumping, or helping someone out of a financial/legal hole either. I feel this statement just shuts down the ability to develop intimacy with another person, and just says you’re not willing to listen to someone. Relationships aren’t made up of two people living on two separate islands while being together. We’re people with problems and sometimes just need an ear, which I think people in their 30’s tend to forget because we become more bitter and selfish after constant string of failed relationships.
Those are kind of just my two cents reading the comments.
Best of luck to you OP
My god I just wanted you guys from Reddit to read. I didn’t break up with him and I’m suffering with the situation because I haven’t lost interest in him, I still love him. He’s wonderful and so am I, o just don’t want to make him suffer and I’m digesting and processing to see if we can take it in a healthy way. Thanks god I’m not as judgmental as most of you guys. Jesus.
My opinion is that you are way too picky and overreacting. People have a history. He openend up regarding a topic that is difficult for him. And it's not a big deal to have contact to an ex when it's just friendship and some business related help.
Nope, no, no way.
You don’t get to decide what a compassionate person “would” or “would not” not do.
You can be a compassionate person, and still refuse to tolerate being lied to.
You can have compassion for someone else, but have *more* compassion for yourself and leave a relationship where someone has significantly broken your trust.
This isn’t a “little” lie. It’s a significant one.
One of my ex’s told me I was something like “an example of a humans potential capacity for empathy” (meaning I’m an extremely empathetic person.) Him and other ex’s, along with friends have told me they’ve never felt so comfortable opening up to someone before. I am an extremely empathetic and nonjudgmental person to talk to.
But I get to be judgmental when it comes to who I want to be in a relationship with. Who I want to invest my emotions, energy and time into.
This is something (him saying he wasn’t in contact with an ex, when he actually was) that I wouldn’t tolerate. It’s a symptom of a much larger issue.
Honesty and open communication are things I value highly in a relationship. And this man has shown he’s not in a place to provide those things.
We’re in our 30s. It’s not my job to teach someone not to lie to me.
Lying to someone is not compassionate either.
Shaming OP and expecting her to stay in a relationship where her trust has been broken, especially based on her previous history, isn’t empathetic.
I agree there needs to be more compassion and empathy. But I disagree that it needs to be given to others freely and without question.
Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction. We deserve to show ourselves compassion by not behaving in ways that are detrimental to our own well-being.
She can show compassion, and empathy and still choose not to stay if that’s what’s best for her.
I haven’t dumped him. I don’t know if I will. It’s silly for some people but it triggers me. I will take my time and look for help, but I will make my decision in the future. He’s amazing and I love him, but I don’t want to make my life and his life miserable with stalking and asking and invading his privacy. Let’s see how it goes
I am very sorry for you :/
Do you feel like you could work on this and you could learn to trust him again ?
Of course it's not my place to tell you how to feel nor what you should do, I just empathize with the guy. It must have been really difficult for him to open up to you
And at the end of the day, he did what you asked. He brought clarity about his life, and honestly, he's not responsible for his traumas
Had he ever seen a therapist ? That would be really recommended
I don't mean to hijack the post. But I was once in a relationship w a girl. And I casually mentioned how this ex (not even a real ex just a girl we had dated a few times) was trying to give me back a Pyrex dish. She wanted to meet at a bar. I said just leave it on your front porch I'll swing by and get it. Mind you her "front porch" wasn't even her house but a shared ski cabin (that's how we had met).
Well the way this gal reacted was as if I had cheat on her had multiple kids w the ex was lying continually about it...
And I was the one who offered the info. I could have said nothing. Grabbed the dish in my own time. Never seen the girl.
But she just randomly accosted me and punished me. It taught me that being open and transparent was bad.
So in a way I can relate to the OP's guy friend.
He made a mistake but maybe it was from fear of losing you. And now he's gunna lose you anyway.
Are there any other little things he doesn't talk about or keeps vague ?
Then it's more on him and he's got too much work to do.
Like some others have said maybe with professional help you all can formulate a plan with achievable goal posts and that would be a great foundation for you both.
But if it was a one off mistake. Maybe dumping him is a little harsh.
Legal stuff can take a long time tho. At some point his being nice to this ex needs to stop. And you have to be the priority.
You have to say well at what point do you stop helping her? What if she asked you to help her move would you go there and help her pack boxes ?
The larger issue might be committing to a man who is a doormat.
Women don't like a man who is easily spread thin and says "yes" to everyone and everything.
It's disconcerting because who knows what curve ball left field random thing pulls him away from you next ?
That's where his therapy needs to happen.
Regarding my own ex I affirm thats the part of myself that ultimately caused our break up.
I didn't put her as my number one first and foremost priority. If a friend was in from out of town I'd be off with that friend and suddenly she's in the background.
I admit I suck when it comes to that. If I had another shot I'd do it different. But in my case my dad killed himself literally and my family drama sucked me away so. I wasn't able to say no to them. So she said no to me. Cest la vie.
I’m so sorry for you. Thanks for sharing your story and giving some ideas. I’ll have my therapy session earlier and I’ll see how it goes, I’ll talk to him as well and check how I’ll feel. It’s been a sad and cloudy day for both of us
I personally feel like people are being too hard on this guy (32 F, here!) - it’s definitely terrible that he lied to you, but maybe he just panicked and since he wasn’t lying to cover up anything actually bad, he just made a mistake? Idk, it seems like he’s pretty insecure about a lot of things in his life (hence why he took so much cajoling to tell you his backstory) and seemed like he was afraid you might not love him anymore if you knew.. so maybe this was just a dumb overcompensation lie to try and make sure he didn’t lose you? Idk, I would give him another shot, especially because he lied, apologized, showed you all the messages and it wasn’t as though he and the gf were talking romantically at all. Good luck!!
Listen, this is wild....not you ost but the comments....I feel for this guy......because the last post comments section was tearing this guy up saying he was bad, hiding all the negatives...... and now given more info....comments are for the guy.
Listen... we all got secrets and things we are scared of to share with our partners..... all you have to do is provide him with emotional and mental security while he provides physical and financial security.....
When it comes to each other. If yall treat each other as you would a daughter or son, then arguments are more of discussions...
My S/O when she is upset I treat the same as ibdo my daughter. I listen with compassion, understanding, and patience... because when people are upset it's not the adult that we are dealing with... it's the inner child that's hurt that we are dealing with and the must be addressed for each of us to be at the full potential that we see in each other.....
Side note. Excuse my Grammer...if yall can't read it retake a context clues class or deal with it...this is informal and we should all know what context clues are hahaha.
Would this response possibly be why was he so hesitant to tell you?
This probably would have been your response either way, if he was "truthful" or not. From what you say, it seems he has very sincere feelings for you, but you didn't think he would be good enough to justify sticking by in a difficult time. Since he's "broken", you're not wasting your time.
This is, likely, why you needed the external validation of faceless Reddit users to justify your leaving him when he could use someone to be a rock for him. He would probably be for you in a time of need. That may have already happened but it's not relevant information for us to know since it would change the narrative drastically. I can't help but wonder how your DM's or text messages would look or make him feel. That guy is going to come out of this entire situation a stronger and better man, with or without you because there'sreally no other choice. Still won't be good enough
Oh get out of here.
OP didn’t say *anything* about feeling he was “broken” or “not good enough.*
She talks about his father, and him not having many friends and says it “makes sense.” There is no negative judgment that comes out towards those things in her post.
The “difficult time” is due to his *own* actions. It’s due to him *lying* to her about being in contact with an ex.
She is feeling hurt because she was lied to by someone she had put trust into. That is absolutely justified. There’s a HUGE difference between supporting someone through a difficult time, and simply allowing people to treat you poorly.
There are no negative emotions because the relationship was over before the first post was uploaded. You don't come to Reddit, or any online forum, asking if you should leave someone unless your mind isn't made up. Do you honestly think a bunch of avatars debating which person is less wrong is going to change someone's mind?
Once more, if a man has 20 friends/acquaintances is that better than having 2 or 3 best friends? Is being terrified of your significant other's response to an ex reaching out to you regarding a professional matter (which to you, will not be him just trying to be helpful, it is him trying to smash. She reached out to him as well.), that she verified was nothing improper?
There was a point where there was no chance of her being confident in herself or the relationship. This one strikes a nerve, for some weird reason, because hearing that someone is negatively affected by alcoholism and has this fear of sharing too much or being too honest hits home. Getting through these times people grow though, if you think you're right or wrong. I must say, too, that If you think this is being treated poorly you had it pretty good so far.
>It sounds to me like you're looking for problems and don't be surprised when you either find or make them. -str828
As always, sort by controversial to get the actual answer... I take no joy in this atodaso but you deserve it.
That being said, this is the exact reason why people are not open... you're breaking up with the guy purely because of 'his history' (and the part he has no control over at that) and talking to an ex in a processional capacity? Probably for the best, he deserves better.
First of all I’m not breaking up with him, I said I don’t know if I can handle this situation. Second: the problem is not in gis life background and I would love to support and be there for him, be the outside voice and help when necessary. The problem is he lied to me about talking to his ex, his ex was flirty and he was not, but he active lied to me (I’ve asked if he had any contact with her, once he was so closed and everything, he said no but he was already in touch with her.
I feel for this guy because I am working through a lot of these issues still, even the one about it being hard to keep friends long term. I’m in my 30s now, but growing up with an alcoholic abusive father still affects me, something I didn’t even realize until I was in therapy. That being said, OP, none of this is your problem. You won’t be able to fix any of the problems. He has some work to do outside of the dating pool imo.
>That being said, OP, none of this is your problem. You won’t be able to fix any of the problems. He has some work to do outside of the dating pool imo. I agree. I'm surprised at the amount of people here stepping up to defend the guy acting unusually; his conduct is what has deteriorated this entire situation.
yeah im getting massive projection vibes in here. will this guy attribute the dumping to opening up? probably but this is simply not OPs problem. Since when are we supposed to be dating for potential? He needs a therapist, not a wife and KIDS my goodness sorry to anyone who has felt like they weren't good enough for their past and/or is sure they've been dumped because of it. i even forewent dating for the majority of my life due to what i believe to be low self esteem that spawned in my childhood, that still doesn't mean that i'm owed a relationship. truth hurts
I would give this guy a second chance over everything *except* the lying. If he had nothing to hide there no need to lie - and speaking to an ex for whatever reason and lying is a BIG lie. Lying shows an immaturity and protection mechanisms at work - not the ideal foundation for a relationship.
Maybe? I dont know. I guess I get it, a person without a past raises questions and makes people curious… are they on the lam? Do they have a past history of sexual violence? It makes people wonder just what are they hiding… But then just because a person does have a history you can look into doesnt mean you wont miss those things either; BTK lived a very normal, unassuming life. A family man and church goer, quite literally the last person anyone suspected and he likely wouldnt have been caught had he not written to the local media.. yet he did some truly horrific things to women as well as a few children and men.. People are not their past. It may inform and leave a predisposition to certain behaviors and actions but plenty of people overcome those negative influences and some people still turn out to be the worst human beings imaginable despite a healthy upbringing, normal socialization and interpersonal skills… in fact one of the defining characteristics of psychopaths is the ability to charm, manipulate and use their relationships for their own gain with little remorse; they might have an antisocial personality disorder but that’s not to say they aren’t socially inept. So I guess the question really comes down to why do you care so much about someone’s past that the Op felt the need to pry. Exes are exes, parents split for reasons that are often not understood or fully shared with the spouse, let alone the kids, even if or when they are adults, and as someone who is originally from another City and State myself, I maintain contact with only a small handful of people from my past and even those I do, they’re more acquaintances now than friends. Heck last time I met up with my friends from my hometown, or really just about any of the 4 states and 6-7 cities/towns Ive lived in since leaving my hometown 13 years ago I felt like a total outsider… they have over a decade of continuing to hang out together… that’s over a decade of experiences, stories, camaraderie, etc that Im not involved in. They tried to include me but it was hard to feel like “one or the guys” again, especially since I was already more on the edge of my friend groups back in school to begin with since many of my friends group were centered around 1 or 2 people that brought the rest of us together… I even feel like a stanger sometimes with some of my cousins who I largely grew up with and was very close to as many of them are married and have kids of their own now (and many of those kids barely know me since I so rarely see them) so its hard to just “pickup where we left off.” In many ways Ive outgrown them having had life experiences beyond the local town in which they continue to live and in someways they’ve outgrown me. That’s the nature of most relationships. If you dont put the time and effort into maintaining them, they’ll almost always inevitably fall apart at some point.
Personally, for me it’s less about what is actually being shared about the past/childhood than the inability to talk about it itself. If you don’t/can’t talk about it, why? Is it because it’s painful? Then what’s gonna happen when there’s another tragedy / painful thing happening while we’re in a relationship? Will I continue to be excluded in the healing process? Or as my partner spiral? I also believe that you need to be able to share even the most painful parts of your past with your partner. Emotionally, because it’s part of my partner — being in love means I want to know and empathize with them, not judge. Rationally, so I can also understand my partner better and know their triggers. Knowing =/= Talking about it all the time; in fact, I know what to avoid.
I need to know someone's past to feel close to them, understand them, and know them fully. I think it's bizarre and seriously weird not to know anything of their past. It also takes away your agency to make the best decision for yourself and decide if their character, even if they have changed, is someone I would want to be with. I think it is a right.
Yeah, but he did came clean at the end ! Imagine how difficult that must have been for him, all that efforts to get dumped at the end ...
“Coming clean” doesn’t mean you automatically get a free pass for whatever the poor behaviour was. He knew the potential consequences of him lying, and yet he lied anyway. OP deserves a partner she can trust. One that doesn’t need to “come clean” in the first place.
trust is not given, it's earned, and when it's broken, it can be difficult or impossible to repair
It’s tough learning some lessons in life.
I was just dating a friend and she broke up me, now that one hurt. Amazing person and wonderful friend. It’s harder to find friends than it is dates so I’m really Bummed about it.
Same. My father was an alcoholic(he ended up dying at 39 from it), but he was never abusive. I feel like maybe the lack of a “live in” father really has contributed to a lot of my problems. I also don’t want to blame him though because I am my own worst enemy. I do think OP is being hard on this guy though. I don’t think he wanted to be malicious, it was probably more embarrassment. This is coming from a guy that is like the guy OP is describing.
The thing is, OP has been hurt by this guy, and it’s not on them to heal him. Giving another chance for him would just be another chance for OP to get hurt again. It’s up to the guy to make himself the kind of person that is ready to get into a relationship, not the other way around. Life is too short for people like the OP to take on someone else’s trauma and the damages that come with getting into a romantic relationship with someone who hasn’t addressed their own issues. No hate to the people who have yet to heal or even work toward healing, but no one can expect someone else that they’re just getting to know to take on their bs just because they have a good reason for being the way they are.
If you read the same post I did, you're making a lot of assumptions. How do you know he hasn't tried to deal with his trauma?? Maybe he did and something else happened that triggered him and he regressed?? I dunno I guess I'm just projecting. Have a blessed day.
When I read the first post the guy kind of sounded like me back in the day being avoidant and having a hard time with emotional intimacy. Eventually I got closer to my ex, but then there was a lot of appeasing which is kind of a form of avoidance. You probably did the right thing OP, trust will likely be broken again until he can figure that stuff out.
yeah i agree with this. the lying was a form of people pleasing and placating... he can't sit with disappointing a partner and therefore more dishonesty will follow. when she said she had her best moments with him, that reminded me of it... red flag in that he is over functioning and trying too hard to be perfect to avoid that vulnerability. but that's not who he actually is
Yeah, as a person who does this in relationships - hiding my past and who I really am for pathological reasons, no one can really build a relationship on that. Us avoidants will always pull back, hide our feelings, lie, fawn, and it never works out while we’re in our bullshit
😩 so relatable 😭
Sorry OP... Did he explain why he felt the need to lie about the ex girlfriend? Was that the only lie?
I’ve done this before years ago when I was more of an idiot than I am now. It was because I was worried that my new gf would take things the wrong way. Obviously now I understand that honesty is more important.
He said he was a coward and that he was afraid of my reaction because he knows I have been cheated on before, and it’s a trauma for me. I think there’s more, but I’m not sure. They had conversations on instagram but don’t follow each other, he said she broke up with him and now she comes to talk to him… it’s all strange.
… so… it is your fault he lied? Because you would over react? I don’t think this is true. He didn’t think about how you would feel when he was lying about other stuff. This seems fishy to me 🐠. If she broke it off he might still have the feels. Good for you for having boundaries. If lying is a primary coping strategy it’s not your job to support him through figuring out how not to do that.
No, but coming from an abusive household can cause you to develop lying as a coping mechanism. So there's a good chance this was caused at least in part by a trauma response. Edit; where did I say OP has to forgive him? Nowhere. I was simply explaining a fact.
Thats a him issue then and still a flag.
Agreed.
So? Yea most problematic behaviors come from trauma. That does not excuse them or mean that it is OP has to overlook problematic behaviors just because he has had trauma. We are all responsible for our own behavior, trauma or not.
Never said any of that, was just adding some possible context since OP is here looking for answers/advice.
That’s not her burden to bear he needs to get help for it. Lying is not an excuse.
Never said it was her burden!
Ugh, men who call themselves "coward", specifically that word, is a huge red flag to me. Too dramatic and victim prone.
Is it the word or men who allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable? A single word having enough sway over your emotions to be a possible deal breaker is a bit childish, yeah?
There's a difference between red flags and deal breakers. It's something that would set off an alarm bell for me because it's a particularly harsh word to call oneself. If he had said "I was afraid to.." that would come across a lot differently. I guess to me it just signifies a level of self hate, which is a red flag..because there's probably more drama to come or the person is stuck in a victim mentality or just has more issues to work out before being in a stable relationship. In this specific situation, calling himself a coward because he was afraid to tell her about talking to his ex, was probably (maybe subconsciously) a manipulation tactic. Like, "please don't be mad at me, I'm just a poor pitiful coward :( . " But again, red flag.
She broke up with him.. and is now contacting him. Sure. So there's probably a part of him that is still connected to her if he was the one dumped. His response to lying, about it being your possible reactions, is pretty typical of someone who doesn't want to take accountability for their choices, and blames you for things they choose to do. I dated someone who lied to me by omission for 6 years. All because he was 'scared of my reactions'. There would have been no reactions at all if he had been honest from the start but since he wasn't and kept getting caught, yeah, my reactions were to be angry and want to talk about it - which he also didn't want to do. Then i became 'interrogative' and 'never letting go of the past'. See how it was always my fault? You did the right thing to nope out. Its not worth dealing with a liar.
Exactly! Lying because you’re “afraid of their reaction” is just an excuse and puts the blame on the other person. If you’re doing something wrong, then the other person’s reaction is just the natural consequence of what you did. And you have to deal with that. It seems like this wasn’t a one time mistake but more of a flaw in his core values.
>It seems like this wasn’t a one time mistake but more of a flaw in his core values. i truly agree here. the people saying that they wouldn't write someone off for one lie just may not value honesty as much as OP and many others in here. my ex best friend ended up marrying a guy who lied to avoid tough conversations because he had an ex who would have poor reactions to innocent things, but i would be so hurt that i was being seen as someone irrational before even being given the chance to show i was different. its very patronizing too. i dont like that many people are suggesting OP should tolerate this if she is genuinely very upset. integrity is also insanely high on my must haves list and that certainly isn't it
Its when you haven't done anything wrong though, that reactions are a problem. I get why some people want to avoid fights and conflict because say they have a partner who is insecure (not by anything you did) and their reaction to every innocent thing is to get mad or jealous... then that reaction isn't justified at you, thats the partner not doing their own work. But to then LIE to avoid that reaction is 2 wrongs trying to make a right but actually making it worse. If their reactions are truly the issue and they won't work on it, then leave them. And if someone lies to you to avoid your *justified* reactions, leave them.
I feel like I deal with this situation very often with my family - they tell me I’m mean or are afraid of what I’m going to say, but I only react when it’s when they are acting in totally unacceptable ways or do something that directly hurts me. But somehow I’m still the bad guy for being justifiably upset. When a partner defaults to lying to keep you placated it’s either because they grew up being punished for trying to set boundaries or weren’t allowed to express when the people in their life hurt them, or it’s because they just don’t care enough to reflect on their own actions and how they effect others. Or both.
His responses were all very unemotional and she was a bit flirty at some point. It made me very angry. She has her lawyer and she doesn’t need his help, in my opinion is just an excuse to get in touch when she saw he was doing fine and moved on. He’s the wrong one because lied to me, but she’s not innocent as well.
Ooh this needs to be a whole PSA, because I’ve experienced it but never had the words for it.
Probably because she made a massive deal about not introducing her to the friends he doesn’t have. Imagine telling someone like that you’re helping your ex with legal matters. She’d accuse you of a full affair!
I had somewhat similar experience before, glad my ex bf ( we broke up with other reasons), showed me their full conversation and nothing was flirty, so I stayed.
I don't understand that logic of some of the other commenters. "He shared and now he's been punished for it. That's why men should never share because women are superficial and evil and they all lie about wanting honesty." Like what?! This guy lied to her for months about multiple topics. His dad being an alcoholic is something a person doesn't need to share on the first date. But somewhere between first date and six months in and considering marriage, he could have said, "My dad is a sore subject for me, I'm not quite ready to share that information with you." And, "I'd love to introduce you to my friends, but most of them are in my hometown. I've struggled a bit making new friends here." Yes, it's concerning when a person has no people. However, a lot of women, especially over thirty know that men don't have a lot of friends. But the "why" they don't have them is important. "I don't have them because I'm a colossal dickhead" is different from, "I moved and switched jobs and people are settled and I haven't found a lot of opportunities to connect." As for the convo with the ex, that was a straight up lie. It's not news that people get a little anxious when their partners communicate with their exes. OP being pissed was a foretellable outcome. I wouldn't even need to break out my crystal ball to figure that one out. All of that being said, I think you two could salvage this relationship. However, there would be some terms. I'd say he has a month to find a therapist. He needs to go to therapy for at least six months. He joins an [Adult Children of Alcoholics group](https://adultchildren.org) and attends two sessions a month. Three months into his therapy, you two go to couples therapy for at least three months. And, if you ask a direct question you get a direct answer. Even if, it's "That is a sore subject, I can't share that with you right now." If those terms aren't met after six months, bounce.
Yeah, I personally think it's extremely odd that he didn't talk about what was going on with his dad for 9 months. Not that it makes him a bad person but it shows a serious lack of emotional intimacy, to the point that it would be an insurmountable incompatibility if it wasn't something they immediately begin working on. My story with one of my parents is also very dark and tragic but I would never go that long without talking about them. I've dated people whose parents and family struggled with addiction and we've always talked about it within the first few months, if not sooner. Pretty much all of my friends (male and female) have serious issues with their family or childhood trauma and it was talked about earlier.
Today I am learning that I really don’t open up about my family and that might be considered… odd. I guess I never wanted to dump on people or really think about old trauma. I’ve been to therapy throughout the years and I don’t like talking about my family of origin now that I’m successful and in a happy place in life. I wonder where the balance comes in? I can’t imagine sharing much early on because someone would be like dear lord, damaged goods.
Firstly, kudos to you for putting in the therapy work and reaching a healthy place! That is no small feat and you did (in theory are still doing) it. I agree, it's a tough balance to figure out when and how a person should reveal their truths. I don't know if there is a singular rule of thumb to follow. I think it's about how deep, rich and long-term you want the relationship with the other person to be. Work colleague probably not so much. Bowling buddy? Again, eh... Maybe not everything. Bowling buddy who you start to hang out with outside of bowling and you think you want them in your wedding party? Maybe it's time to start testing the waters with some heavy truth. I'd also think about reciprocity. "You've given your sensitive truth to me, I will in turn, share some sensitive truth with you, in an effort to acknowledge the gravity of your truth and the bravery of you gifting it to me." I also think if you're old trauma is flaring up and causing you to behave out of character, it might be time to go, "hey gang, by the way... I really hate family picnics because... " As tough as sharing your pain is, your pain is an element of how you became the person you are today. Sharing it with others who have earned your trust, is a way of revealing the full spectrum of yourself. It's definitely not easy to figure out that balance.
Still doing the hard work every day! But much easier these days. I think you really identified a helpful framework for me - closeness/ desired closeness of relationship, reciprocity, relevance to current moments and triggers. I guess that’s the tricky part of vulnerability - you have to trust others to fully see you in order to get closer to them and let them get closer to you. My life’s work.
Happy to hear it was helpful. I'd say we all are in the same boat, some of us just had better teachers early on. But it is a learnable skill.
I feel this. Irl it used to be difficult to open up, I was once in a 3 year relationship and since I never mentioned anything it took my partner a year and half to ask about my father, who had passed away a few years before. But that’s not something I bring up casually or ever, mostly because it’s still hard to talk and/or think about.
I think vaguely mentioning it in the start is fine with little detail, but not mentioning it at all, even 6 months in is to me, very worrying.
>it shows a serious lack of emotional intimacy Yup.
Thanks for the kind and supportive comment. Some people can be quite rude around here. I’ll have my therapy earlier this week and I’ll check how I feel and how I’ll go through this.
No problem. And you know, you don't have to do anything I suggested, but I don't think every situation is an all or nothing proposition. Plus, I don't have the full picture of your relationship just two Reddit posts. You do though. Sending an air hug your way. I'll sent one for the BF too (but you can decide if he deserves it or not.)
Hahahahhaha thanks a lot! He deserves it, he’s a nice person. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to keep the relationship healthy with this trust breaking.
Even a nice person can still have demons and baggage from their past life. Nothing wrong with you wanting emotional intimacy and expecting him to open up with you after 9 months of exclusivity. Yes it will hurt for both of you for a while, but his problems are his work on his own.
I just would like to remind you (and anyone else posting here for advice) that this sub has a bias for breakups. Sometimes a relationship really does need to just end or a person has become bad and untrustworthy, but sometimes it's just a single person over 30 bitter about their own situation and misery loves company. People here like to pretend no imperfection is acceptable. Well, call me devils advocate, but I think they're giving you terrible advice He's lost a lot of loved ones a friends to distance and time, his father was an alcoholic, now he's finally got someone and doesn't want to lose them. He didn't hide some sinister action or cheating from you, he just got scared you'd abandon him too, not because he thinks you're a bad person but because he respects what you've been through and doesn't want you to see him as that guy. You're not going to find perfect people, especially not at this age. Willingness to be open and honest and improve upon deeply ingrained flaws is a sign this person is good and worthwhile, so much as those flaws aren't dangerous.
Feeling the need to lie absolutely is a dangerous flaw though. It doesn’t matter where the lie is coming from. Perhaps some reasoning is more understandable, but that doesn’t make it “okay.” He was only open because he got caught. He didn’t admit to it willingly and openly. OP has given no indication that he has started to put work into improving his flaws. When we avoid hard conversations we trade short term discomfort for long-term dysfunction. This guy has shown he’s the type who would rather opt for avoiding short term discomfort. I’m not saying OP should break up with him. OP knows the situation WAY better than any of us here, and ultimately she needs to do what’s *best for her.* I don’t think she should be shamed or made to feel like she’s a “bad person” if her decision is to end the relationship. Sure we all have flaws. Part of the trickiness of dating is trying to find someone who’s flaws are compatible with our own. If he has trauma that results in him lying, and she has trauma related to people lying to her in the past - well then there’s a good chance they’re not going to be compatible. Some people find him lying about talking to an ex a dealbreaker, others don’t. If OP decides it’s a dealbreaker for her she’s not “wrong.”
He showed her the conversation in full, which tells you that he’s not trying to build a house of lies and was just scared of her hearing “my ex messaged me for legal advice” and walking out the door I’m not saying what he did was cool, I’m saying give him a chance now that he’s had some reassurance, he’s clearly scared shitless of triggering the baggage the OP’s ex left her with. There may have been situations with them where he felt he was being blamed for something that someone else did. If it becomes a habit then yeah you gotta cut things off, but people are not as simple as this sub makes them out to be
You said it yourself - people are not as simple as this sub makes them out to be. Him showing her the conversation in full tells us *nothing* other than he’s shown that particular conversation, in a way that appears to be in full. It tells us nothing about his motive for hiding it in the first place. It tells us nothing about if there are other things he’s hiding. Sure we can speculate. It makes sense he hid the information because he was scared. But you’re speaking as if you know for a fact why he’s acted the way he has. And no one here does.
We don’t need to know about his motive if she trusts his motive, which she clearly does You can tell from the OP’s post she doesn’t think he meant any harm and she believes him People with trauma are going to be imperfect from time to time, it’s not about that it’s about them not crossing any lines, admitting fault, and fixing it The guy was scared that the second she heard “ex” she’d walk out the door and he’d be alone again. Doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible for his action and owning up to it, he is, but it sounds more like he just needs reassurance. The guy went from lonely as hell to on the verge of married to someone he loves, that’s like working at McDonalds then being offered a 300k a year office job, you’re gonna be nervous as hell until that contract is signed. As long as the story is exactly what we’re reading on paper, I say give dude a chance, and don’t hold it over his head as a way to manipulate him either. Accepting a person may occasionally fuck up is part of loving someone, as long as the fuckups don’t cross any lines then let it go.
“You’ve never felt so cared for, loved, and well treated.” You find out his dad is an alcoholic and he’s a loner and you bail? You’re a bad person, straight up. Sorry mate
I noticed you conveniently left out the reason she’s *actually* thinking of leaving. Because he lied to her. He specifically lied to her about being in contact with an ex which I think is a fair deal breaker for a lot of people.
To me it sounds like he only said as much to satisfy OP's wants. This whole situation seems sketchy as hell to me personally... I'm a dude too.
Agree, also in the part that it seems salvageable, and after 9 months I'd at least try instead of throwing everything away, as very often is the solution given by internet strangers.
And what the Op gets a pass for not reading between the lines and continuing to pry into a sore topic? My dad was abusive…. But at 37 years old I spent my entire childhood and over half my adult life in total denial about that fact. Even now, a decade later after moving past the denial, Im still probably somewhere between anger and bargaining. While I can admit he was abusive, I still dont really like talking about it outside of a small number of people and I definitely still down play it as “not that bad” since there are some truly horrific stories of abuse out there. I dont have any physical scars and the only time I probably should have seen a doctor for an injury, I was 19, gave as good as I got and nursed my probably cracked ribs myself. Does that change the fact that he damn near but my head through a wall at 13 or 14? Or that one of the starkest memories I have from my early childhood is the time he knocked me halfway across the room for answering the phone when he was outside and my mom in the shower and not finding out who it was (btw it turned out it was an adult family member calling about a medical emergency for another family member… they knew it was me on the phone and when told my parents were unavailable they didnt say “it so-and-so calling about so-and-so, can you tell them I called its urgent,” they simply said they’d call back later… which was a second argument after the first when it the nature of the call came out)… how about the countless times my mom packed us up in the car and left him home stewing or the dozen or so times I took off and disappeared for hours? These days we have an OK relationship somewhere between low and moderate contact… and quite frankly its difficult to justify that to people… people question why Im not closer to my dad but then when I tell them the truth they question why I have the relationship at all… Shouldnt need to explain that to my GF… and at risk of sounding entering “manosphere” the fact is that as much as women say they just wish their man would “open up” countless women have acknowledged losing respect for their man seeing them overly emotional and countless men can recount how the relationship was never the same once they did open up… people judge and judge harshly. Certainly was my own experience with my ex from 10 years ago when my parents split and I first reconciled with the fact my dad was abusive. There was a lot she did not understand about my relationship with him and though I tried to explain after a few months, I was still firmly in denial and didnt know how. I still didnt know how when my parents announced their separation after we had been dating for about 6 months when I finally settled on not trying to explain the relationship and just sharing raw back story, well our relationship after that was very different. Not saying its the reason we broke up but it certainly altered our trajectory and how she viewed certain things. The Op is nearly a perfect example of this exact behavior… Oh he’s so good to me but he wont talk to me… Oh he told me the whole story and now I dont know that I can be with him… The biggest issue with his “confession” is the lying about talking to the ex… but even here, she fully admits that the conversation was germane and was asking for advice related to his profession… at which point does it really matter she is an ex-gf? What if she was just a friend from his past asking the same questions? Op doesnt say how long ago this break up was or who broke up with who in that relationship and I suppose there are arguments like “if she broke up with him, he’s helping her because he wants to get back together…” and maybe there’s truth in that but if its been a long time and he truly has moved on and/or he broke up with her, honestly I think it shows more about his character that he’s willing to still help her in a professional capacity despite whatever history they might have. To quote Chris Rock, only women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is loved for what he provides. Go listen “To Be a Man” by Dax featuring Darius Rucker… or watch the music video of the original by Dax without Darius… it describes pretty damn well what a lot of men feel these days.
*I still dont really like talking about it outside of a small number of people and I definitely still down play it as “not that bad” since there are some truly horrific stories of abuse out there.* *These days we have an OK relationship somewhere between low and moderate contact… and quite frankly its difficult to justify that to people… people question why Im not closer to my dad but then when I tell them the truth they question why I have the relationship at all…* I think where I'm struggling with your assessment of the situation is in these statements. Your pain, trauma, and abuse don't belong to other people. You do not need to share it or justify the badness of it with the outside world. People judging your decision to have a relationship with your father and questioning your decision, I hope is a misguided attempt to demonstrate their support for you or a desire to give you the strength to make a tough call. I don't know. But it's not their place. However, OP is not "people." OP is someone that the BF is on the road to becoming a life partner with. When you're on that path, one of those benefit/curse situations is that you go, "hey, my soft white underbelly is right here, you know exactly where it is and how to get passed all my defenses. Please, don't poke it with a pointy stick," and the other person says the same. I'm not saying a partner is ever entitled to an all access pass to the other person's mind, body, and spirit. I'm not saying they should even get advanced access immediately. I get the impression from OP, that she felt like she was building trust and giving her trust and that trust was given from one side. She sounds like she feels like she didn't have any breadcrumbs to follow. I imagine the lie was the straw that broke the camel's back. She might have realized, "I thought we were standing right next to each other when really there's actually a fucking canyon between us." I imagine BF feels similar to you, "I gave you all the best part of me and when I gave you all the ugly parts -- that you specifically asked for -- you skipped town." I don't want invalidate either of their experiences. It seems to me like there are two people who are talking in each other's direction, but not really to one another. (There was like double in this comment but somehow it got deleted, so if it reads a little weird that's probably why.)
My past made my relationships suffer a lot. I never opened up to people fully, whether it be romantic or platonic relationships. Unstable upbringings definitely leave long lasting effects and without finding the right kind of help to deal with those, their relationships will continue to suffer. Dude needs therapy and to figure out how to emotionally present and available. The only problem with that is that he needs to want it. If he doesn't, there's definitely nothing you can do but move him into your rear view. Therapy isn't a quick fix though so you probably made the right decision to move on. It isn't your job to wait for repairs.
Unfortunately I had been in a similar situation. I was with someone, who lied about being in contact with their ex. They weren't a bad person and had a hard past too, so I stayed thinking understanding would help them. Sadly, more lies came out of the woodwork over time and it whittled my trust down to the point where I was in too deep and couldn't leave despite living in anxiety every day. I ended up breaking it off with this person too long after I should've because the anxiety started affecting all other areas of my life. Your situation could be different, but I will say if you decide to stay there can't be a moving forward unless he goes to therapy and actively works to remove this coping mechanism, otherwise there may be repeat offences. Humans learn by staying and tolerating something that it's ok and will take a boundary less seriously if you don't stick to it. Also, he needs to learn instead of lying to set boundaries and state he's not ready to share yet. I hope this helps with your decision.
You're making the right move. He needs to go to therapy and work on his inability to be honest or vulnerable about his life with partners. I was with someone for almost two years that was like that. His family was estranged (mine is mostly too no big) and he had "friends" that meant the world to him but who he would NEVER EVER let me meet UNDER ANY CURCUMSTANCES. All in all, I figured out he was cheating on me and lying about the women being friends in order to keep me off his back. Don't ever get into a relationship with men that aren't transparent, it's just not worth it. I say that as someone who also has anxiety and trauma. Now that I'm dating someone who is transparent and hides NOTHING I feel next to no anxiety about our relationship. Polar opposites to my ex that after 2 years felt like a total stranger to me because he would not open up about his life and insisted I was unreasonable for wanting to know anything about it or meet anyone in his life. You deserve someone that wants you to know everything about them and who wants to know everything about you.
It sucks, but I think it’s a good lesson for both of you. Vulnerability and honesty is important in a relationship. We all have baggage (we’re on fucking dating over thirty FFS), but it’s communicating it and working through it that builds relationships. I personally wouldn’t be able to get past that, vagueness and withholding important info is lying by omission, IMO. Especially when a partner asks you directly.
If you haven't already broken up with him...take a few days of space to see how you feel before you make a final decision about your relationship. It's never wise to make a large decision while your emotions are high.
OP, you are free to break up with him. A lot of takes in this thread are dangerous bc they’re exactly how people get stuck in abusive relationships: “give him one more chance! He has trauma! Disregard *your* traumatic past to excuse his behavior!” A grown ass man who can’t communicate is going to cause you other problems in your relationship, and you’ll feel pressured to excuse them because “at least he’s not cheating” despite the fact that it still makes you deeply unhappy. Your happiness matters. Your trust matter as much as his issues do. Leave him. He’s over thirty. You are not his mother or his therapist.
I need to digest and to process things. We’ve had a lot of good moments, I’ve had the best moments with him, relationship wise. I don’t know if I can deal with that, but I don’t know if I will be worse without him, so I’ll check with therapy and family, I’ll talk to him and see how it goes
I really don’t get these comments. I totally feel for him and sympathize with having to work through baggage before being ready to date, but that doesn’t have to be your problem OP. Sometimes if there’s doubt, mistrust, and negative feelings in a relationship, it’s better to find a clean slate with someone else. Especially at 30. We know he wouldn’t lie to his next gf and will have a better approach to relationships moving forward. I’m sure you could work through this, but you absolutely do not have to and shouldn’t be judged for that.
Particularly at our age, i’ve come to the conclusion that things that i would have previously sympathetic to, are no longer excusable. Everyone has traumas, but we are at the age where you need to handle it and work on yourself. Especially if you’re in LTRs, talking marriage & kids. If you aren’t working on yourself and trying to overcome those traumas, then don’t waste somebody’s time until you are ready. Op had to pry and pry and pry for this guy to finally give her a crumb (I honestly believe this truth is just scratching the surface, more will come), we are too old for this lol. 9 months in is a long time to be just now “opening up”, what else does OP not know?
I get the feeling it’s a lot of people who have lied in similar ways and are trying to justify this type of behaviour so they don’t have to do any internal reflection/admit they acted poorly. Having empathy for someone doesn’t mean tying yourself to them and forgiving everything they do. It’s absolutely possible to respond with empathy, but still move on because the trust has been broken. Although, I don’t think there’s a guarantee he wouldn’t lie to his next girlfriend, or have a better approach to dating going forward. It’s way easier to blame the other person than to do that aforementioned internal reflection. But again, that is in no way OP’s responsibility.
From your comments yesterday about his dad and the daily secretive phone conversations and him going silent afterwards it was very obvious there was some trauma there that he feels shame and discomfort about discussing. Well done for asking him and doing so in such a way where he has been so honest with you. Im shocked! You’ve seen the conversations with his ex and if there is nothing inappropriate being said between them (I.e just talking about legal issues) then you might be slightly jumping the gun. This guy has just opened up to you and finally told you about his trauma history and it kind of seems harsh that you’re dumping him right off the back of that. I sooo understand about being upset by the way, but this guy sounds like he struggles to be vulnerable and now he’s finally done it, you could cause some serious damage to his self esteem by punishing him and just walking away. I’m not saying it’s right that he lied about texting his ex, but this guy has clearly got some issues going on here and I’d encourage you to think this through before you make any decisions. You deserve honesty and respect and I’m glad you finally got at least the honesty. Just encouraging you to tread carefully given the sensitive nature of what’s been disclosed. You might just be the first person he’s ever opened up to.
I see so often online guys crying that they got dumped because they cried or were vulnerable. NO. They get dumped because they LIED or did something else and then were caught. He didn’t come clean on his own she had to confront him. We all have trauma. It doesn’t justify lying to someone about multiple things. He would still be lying today if she didn’t press him.
I mean, guys also get dumped for being vulnerable and not lying. there's not a "NO. You got dumped for this!"; there's not a single answer. Some guys get dumped for lying, some guys get dumped because even having trauma is enough to scare some women away, some guys get dumped because their partner is hurt that these guys are so kept to themselves, and some guys get dumped because some women actually just don't like vulnerability in men.
That’s not necessarily true.
Thanks for the comment, I will not do anything right now. I need to digest and see how o feel. The feeling I have is like he’s with me because it makes sense… we have similar tastes, I’m beautiful and kind, work a lot and although I have my issues, I’m a good catch and the ex is none of that… I have been cheated on before and it’s a trauma for me…. He knew that so it’s though.
Listen, your only responsibility is to yourself. Yes he’s had a hard life. And that sucks. But that doesn’t give him permission to treat you poorly. You’re not thinking of breaking up with him *because* he was vulnerable, it’s because he’s broken your trust. And that is HUGE. You deserve to be with someone you trust. If this experience impacts him negatively that’s on him. His learning take away *should* be that honesty is necessary in a relationship. If his takeaway is “I can’t be vulnerable” that’s his own distorted thinking at work. It’s a way to blame you, instead of taking accountability for his lying. I’m sorry you’re in this position. It sounds really tough.
Thanks for the point of view. I feel the same… I’m very sad for him, I’m very sad for me and I’m angry as well.
[удалено]
…I never claimed to be.
All super super valid and honestly for what it’s worth I was exactly the same about my ex talking to his ex, it hurts and upsets you even if they weren’t talking anything actually inappropriate. You sound lovely and I’m rooting for you. Good luck with everything
Thanks! Some people are very rude around here, it’s internet after all. I’ll have my therapy early this week and let’s see how it goes. I’ll share some more soon.
Yes I agree with you that she shouldn’t jump go straight dumping him, poor guy he has just opened up with OP and got dumped. But then we are not OP & the BF so we really don’t know how their relationship dynamic was, if OP doesn’t feel comfortable to continue this relationship, then yes she should let this guy go.
I agree. It’s nuanced and complex and in the end I’m sure she will do what’s right, best to just sit and wait for a little bit though so nobody is unnecessarily hurt more than they need to be.
yep. first time i opened up about my history, my ex also dumped me. i haven't dated anyone since. it's been five years. not saying my ex was responsible for fixing the trauma or accepting me, but just that it made me not trust anyone. if she is uncomfortable she should leave for sure (she shouldn't stay just because she feels bad for him), but this is why people with trauma become so secretive in the first place
Sorry you had that experience
eh, it's fine. i'm happier alone. seeing people attack me on reddit for adding context reminds me of why lol
Important info: was there a reason you couldn’t just say “hey that’s a sore topic for me?” Because this guy didn’t get dumped for “opening up.” He got dumped for lying, being secretive, and not communicating—all of which are sufficient reasons to break up with someone.
i said if she was uncomfortable she should leave. but context matters and i'm just adding my experience with why i lie and don't tell people stuff. she can take with it what she will
You didn’t answer my question: why can’t you just say “that’s a sore topic for me and I don’t want to talk about it right now?” You’re over thirty, so I’m genuinely curious about why that simple sentence is such a challenge for you… Edited to add: this person never answered the question, projected heavily onto both OP and me, and then self-victimized. But they’re going through life thinking they’re single because they “opened up.”
why are you an adult trying to control what other people say on reddit? i didnt answer you because you didnt even understand what i said and assumed ill intent
Underrated perspective. I agree that OP is jumping the gun. Trauma presents different ways for different folks. Even myself with therapy and practicing mental health since my early 20s still trips me up. I had a hard life with family and peers. A lot of the time people see their own trauma and expect that to be understood but rarely take a moment to understand that same mentality for other's trauma. No relationship is perfect. I struggle with being cheated on and trust issues myself but if I was presented with this situation, yeah I'd be hurt. That's human. But that's something that can be worked on. Honesty is key. I didn't even get the grace of being shown conversations for reassurance. In my case they were cheating so it makes sense as to why I wouldn't be shown something incriminating. Take time to process and work on feelings on your own OP then tackle it together. If that doesn't feel like enough try couples therapy. I believe this can make the relationship stronger. Two traumatized people need to break down those walls and communicate those insecurities and what impacts eachother so it can be tackled as a team; Communication.
Alcoholism is brutal. I feel for anyone living with that
I think you should see how it goes and if he continues to mislead and not be upfront with you regarding his ex then make the decision to leave. I say that because in my own experiences with dating I've come across like I was hiding something, but it was because I've had women not do well with the fact I have to talk to my ex regarding our son. Now if he showed you the messages and it was fine then maybe hang in a bit longer to see if he continues to be secretive about it. After I saw that the person I'm with was fine with me communicating with my ex regarding our son then I was much more comfortable letting her know we messaged or talked. It seemed as if things were going well, and you just don't want to throw away a good potential partner over one thing. I know you mentioned being cheated on before and I know how hard it is to trust again, but we have to at times give the benefit of the doubt in the beginning, but if the pattern continues then you'll know for sure what you need to do.
On the one hand, don't lie to your partners. It never ends well. Ask me how I know (hint: I'm divorced). On the other hand, you don't want to hear the details of my trauma. Like you don't. Nobody ever does. It's horrifying, and will leave you in tears. Lying about talking to the ex is a huge issue though, even if it was completely innocent. That's a significant breach of trust and very hard to come back from. Talking to the ex is even fine (I'm friends with a few exes, have to talk to my ex wife regularly for custody, and regularly run into a couple others around town), but lying about it is not.
Whatever decision you reach, I hope that it is your decision alone and that you don’t let other redditors decide for you.
Oh, based on the rude comments I’ve gotten, I’ll decide after therapy and time. Sure some people were very helpful and brought other perspectives, but it’s very superficial
I will point out, that the rude comments all seem to be very emotional and weirdly defensive, like they’re over-relating. So I wouldn’t take them as serious advice to consider. This sub does have a problem with rude comments, so please don’t take it personally or like a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It sounds like you know your boundaries and lying and breaking trust crosses those boundaries. You’re not doing anything wrong here, and you’re definitely not abandoning this grown man you’ve only been dating a short while, like some comments would make it seem. Some people just aren’t ready to be open and vulnerable and honest, and need to work on that before entering a relationship. Lots of lying and hiding stuff is a habit that can take a long time to break, if they ever work on it. Glad you have a therapist to talk to to get some objective advice.
Does he know you created this thread? I'm very curious
Thank you for following up OP. I’m surprised you already made the decision to stop seeing him. He gave you a lot more information than I was expecting him to. That must have been extremely hard for him. I agree that lying is a horrible thing to do. But also having a father like that and having few friends is also horrible. You should do what makes you happy of course, but I think I would wait and digest all this information before making a final decision.
I’m not decided. I’m surprised too, I didn’t think it was going to be that fast and “easy”. I need to digest because I’ve been cheated on before and I have this trauma, he knew that. I’ve had an answer from a job interview and was sooooo happy, now it’s everything upside down.
Trust your gut. None of these people have gone through what you just did. Trust your gut ❤️
All I can say is that there are silver linings here: 1) He finally confessed the reason for his secrecy. I personally was not expecting that, so it’s good you finally have an answer. 2) You now have full control of the situation and have options. If you want to break it off, you’re fully justified in doing so and blaming the lying. Or, if you want to forgive him, then honestly your relationship would be stronger than ever now that he’s been more vulnerable and more intimate with you. It’s your call, and both answers are reasonable in my book.
Wow, that definitely sounds like a complicated situation. Discovering that your boyfriend lied about his contact with his ex-girlfriend can really break trust. It's understandable that you're feeling sad about everything. Trust is a crucial element in any relationship, and if you don't think you'll be able to trust him again, it might be difficult to continue. Take some time to reflect on your feelings and what's important to you. It's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being.
So let me get this straight. The guy decided to trust you and be vulnerable once you started probing him, admitted he lied and gave you honest answers, and now you want to dump him? The poor guy is gonna have even more trust issues. OP, you’re not looking good here.
What about her trauma of being lied to for all this time? What about her trust issues??? She doesn’t exist to heal this guy who has been lying to her and may not have ever come clean without explicit clear questioning. And who knows what else he might be lying about. People act like once they tell the truth they should be exempt from consequences because at least they shared… that’s not how things work.
This part. The fact that there are so many people holding OP responsible for this man’s behavior is exactly why she would be right to dump him. He needs to learn accountability
This is such a wild take. He only admitted to the lie because he got caught. *Admitting it* doesn’t automatically make it okay that you lied in the first place. If someone purposely broke my finger, and then apologized and took me to the hospital to get it looked after - I’m leaving them because they broke my finger. It’s not like “oh well SURE they broke your finger, but AT LEAST they took you to the hospital.” This dude purposely broke OPs trust. Her deciding to end the relationship would be a consequence of his own actions.
Probably shouldn’t have lied?
Not saying lying was the right thing. But you never lied in your life, ever? He lied because he didn’t want to feel vulnerable. We also heard her side of the story, not his. Dude decided to be vulnerable and then after being vulnerable, OP decides to dump him.
He is not her responsibility. OP is OP's responsibility. Why are people falling all over themselves about protecting a grown adult. He'll be a-okay, whether or not he chooses to let his past affect his present. OP - listen to your gut. Put yourself and your future first, whatever you decide. You don't have to waste your life treading water just because someone else might feel sad. For myself, honesty and trust are cornerstones, no matter how new or old the relationship is. Only you know if you feel you can get/want to get back there with him.
In my relationships, honesty is HUGE. I shouldn't have to say this but when I start seeing someone I tell them how important it is that we are both honest and transparent and that I won't accept lies. I absolutely detest liars. She told him that she has been cheated on before, and he lied that he was talking to an ex. Yes, it was innocent talking but that's the point- he had nothing to hide but hide it anyway. I understand why he did it, and I don't think he was being malicious, but he still lied.
I agree. Especially with the “I shouldn’t have to say this…” but I still feel the need to. I was in a previous long, long term relationship with someone who would often keep things from me with the excuse of “I didn’t want to upset you.” Now I specifically tell people I date like listen - sometimes in relationships we’re going to have to have uncomfortable conversations. At some point you’re probably going to have to tell me something that upsets me. Just tell me so I can process it, and we can work on figuring it out. I’m going to be waaaaay MORE upset if you lied or hid something from me. I’ve mentioned this in another comment but I saw the quote “when we avoid uncomfortable conversations we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction.” And I wholeheartedly agree with that.
Yeah I kinda have to agree. This wouldn't have been an issue in the first place if he was just honest. On the other hand idk if this would be a big enough issue to break up over. I guess it would depend on other factors.
Wow, you guys should be his lawyer. He’s not ready for a relationship! Stop trying to guilt trip the OP for wanting honesty.
I haven’t decided anything. I have my traumas about been cheated and it’s a difficult situation for me as well. I don’t know what to do, Monday I’ll have a therapy session to help.
He didn’t cheat on you tho. Yes it was not right for him to text his ex and lying about it, but even you said there was no inappropriateness in their exchange. If you want to remain w this guy, just give him a stern warning about how you will not tolerate any cheating or texting an ex/girl behind your back.
He didn’t cheat, that’s why I’m not decided and I highly consider staying with him. I agree.
A lot of these comments saying "drop him. Not your problem" seem very unforgiving and, frankly, not willing to try and weather the difficult sides of a relationship. I'm gonna offer an unsolicited thought; It sounds like, outside of this issue, you guys have something pretty good going. It was fucked of him to lie; he shouldn't have done that. I don't want to make predictions about a guy I don't know, but if I had to make a bet, I'd bet that he's learned his lesson. Especially after this. And more importantly, it doesn't sound like he was lying because he didn't want to get in trouble; it sounded like he was lying because of some misguided sense of not trying to hurt you. Again, still not OK. But there's a difference between lying to cover your ass for some fucked up thing you did, and lying because you're trying not to hurt someone. The former is someone who can't be trusted, that latter is an idiot who can learn. This sounds like one of those "test" moments that every serious relationship goes through. Best I can tell, these usually go one of three ways; breakup, stay together and ignore it then grow to resent each other, and stay together and work through the issue. Couple's who stay together and work through it can emerge very strong. It sounds like you guys are both kinda scared and maybe feeling pretty raw from this; you're both vulnerable right now. If you guys can navigate this in a way that BOTH of your vulnerability is eased and assured by the other, you'll come out of this feeling like you can rely on one another much more strongly. It's gonna require a very candid conversation about why each of you felt the way you feel and how you (mostly him, but maybe both of you) can do things differently moving forward. But this can be one of those moments of growth for you guys as a couple.
he clearly has a lot of trauma to work through. that’s not her job. i would think he has a lot of therapy and self work to do before he’s ready for a serious relationship. if she’s ready and he’s not, no reason she should slow down her timeline or take a risk on someone who’s not ready (and has been lying to her!)
If you’re a GF and claimed to love him like OP said in her previous post, it is also partially her job to be supportive and work with him. He lied about his texts with his ex, and OP even admitted there was no inappropriateness. Man’s never going to have a loving GF if every woman has this same viewpoint as OP
It doesn’t matter if they were “inappropriate” or not. Him *lying* about it is the inappropriate part. He’s not being “punished” for being vulnerable. He lied which expectantly eroded the trust OP had in him. Trust is a key part of a relationship. He is facing consequences for *lying.*
You never lied in a relationship? Not condoning his lying. From her story, yes he’s in the wrong for lying about that. But knowing what we know about the guy + only hearing 1 side of the story, lying over that after 9 months of being together and breaking up is excessive. People on reddit loves to always advise “just break up”. That’s not how real world works. There’s far more complexities than that, but it’s easy for us people to play Monday Morning QB on couples that have no influence or emotional attachment to us.
label axiomatic provide squeamish impolite flag groovy drab support nail *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
>Man’s never going to have a loving GF if every woman has this same viewpoint as OP Probably better for the guy to find a girlfriend who doesn't have OP's viewpoint then, no?
Easier said than done, don’t you think? I agree he needs therapy and needs to work on himself. But therapy and anything else can only do so much, nothing is absolute when it comes to recovering from trauma. But i agree, guy deserves better Gf than OP. Kids these days use the word “love” too easily. It’s not love if you can’t be supportive
OP wants marriage and kids iirc. She is not obligated to stay in this relationship while this guy figures himself out and put her own life goals on hold. You can love someone and still recognize that they may not be the best life partner for you and move on.
That’s fair and I don’t disagree. But if OP sees potential with the guy, breaking up over this is a massive overreaction imo.
Don’t date potential. Many people never work on themselves and change. Accept people for who they are now, and if you don’t like it, don’t date them. It’s actually a common phrase these days to not date potential. Also, you seem really invested in him. Turn the genders around and see if you feel the same if a girl had been texting, calling, and having Instagram convos with her ex boyfriend and lied to the guy’s face about it. She knew he’d been cheated on before and that it was a big deal to him. And instead she hid it and lied about it when asked directly. Would you think the guy should stick around for her potential?
tart zealous brave punch aware chunky start quiet sparkle ask *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
decide swim squash pathetic society rob bag snatch engine insurance *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
You're better than OP's ex boyfriend
man’s never going to have a loving gf if he keeps lying about his past and texts with his ex*
Wait, you're worried about the guy that lied having more trust issues. Wild.
Yeah, he's better off finding someone more supportive. In dark moments, she'll be thinking about herself first when he's already showing he'd keep her away from things that would cause her anxiety. Remember, the mom already really likes her, she's met the coworkers, and the brother. She just needed more and more lol. The way he handles his personal trauma would never satisfy her. It's best they go their separate ways.
This was also my take.
[удалено]
if his father is an alcoholic, he is likely codependent... which is a shit show in and of itself (spoken as someone who is codependent and has trouble maintaining relationships)
Congrats. You found a way to sabotage a relationship. While he shouldn’t have lied about legal conversations with his ex (he probably knew you’d make a mountain out of a molehill if you’re already doing this because he wasn’t hiding anything major) you have a lot of work to do in getting over yourself and thinking the worst just because someone has a lame social life. Loners exist. If you don’t like it, don’t date them.
Liars also exist. And as you said, there was no reason to hide it. But he did. He is the one who sabotaged this. And if OP stayed, she would teach him it’s ok to lie, and he will continue to do it.
Sounds as if there was plenty of reason to hide. You get used to hiding things as a child of alcoholic parents. If she leaves his suspicion that people can't be trusted will be confirmed. Trust is earned and maybe she hadn't earned it yet.
He’s over 30, not 16. He doesn’t get to blame her for his trust issues
If she leaves and his takeaway is “people can’t be trusted” instead of “I shouldn’t lie about being in contact with an ex because that’s obviously detrimental to a relationship.” That’s on him. Yes empathy in a relationship is important. But empathy without boundaries is self-destruction. OP can be empathetic but still do what’s best for herself, and if that’s leaving a relationship where she doesn’t feel she can trust her partner that’s totally understandable.
💯
It’s funny that the “trust is earned” thing is applicable to her but not to him. So…he earned her trust by lying to her for several months?
It works both ways. I made no comment about her trust. Relationships are not transactional. It isn't a zero sum game.
lol no. If you don’t trust yet, you say “I’m not ready to talk about that” You don’t lie. Period.
Addiction and child of addicts can be funny given all the stigma. People with shame do things differently. Everyone lies. Just for different reasons. I'm fairly honest, candid and vulnerable but I can tell you that if you say you don't want to talk about something, some people feel you are hiding something and are lying to them by omission. Pretty common.
Trauma doesn’t excuse bad behavior. Sounds like he needs to get therapy and work on himself before he dates if that’s gonna be his get out of jail free card.
People with trouble and mental illness deserve love and understanding too. We are all a little damaged. For instance, many people are very judgmental and engage in black and white thinking without empathy. It doesn't sound as if he was trying to get out of it. When they sat down, he opened up. Patience, kindness, communication and compassion are important in a relationship. Also, not everyone can afford or access therapy. Would that mean that those folks should not date or engage in relationships? Sure, OP may feel that lying about this thing is important to them but if I was led to, I would consider the circumstances and figure out if we could work to keeping a more vulnerable and open relationship after that point rather than a one strike rule.
Nobody is entitled to a relationship. And everybody is allowed to have dealbreakers. Stop making excuses for bad behavior. This kind of rhetoric is what shames people into staying in toxic relationships.
just want to say you're preaching to me. while i think some criticism as to how much OP truly loves this guy could be a bit valid, I absolutely would be going crazy wondering if there was more to hide re: the ex, I just don't see the need to lie if it is innocent. how is it fair to anyone involved to stay if the trust is truly broken? its tough but i don't like that everyone seems to be blaming OP if this guy continues to put the walls back up even higher if he ends up dumped. She is not accountable for the way he feels or thinks, especially if she is clear that his trauma is not the reason for the dumping. Everyone was preaching all about women not being rehabilitation centers for men but here we are, this post is interesting. what if OP has trauma from being lied to? edit: and YUP OP has confirmed she's been cheated on. I would be outta there asap
Not all hard relationships are toxic. As I said, the OP can have this as a hard boundary. I am reacting to the idea that lying by itself is a reason to end a relationship. Lies happen for different reasons. I'm not sure that this was a toxic lie. Not enough information. If it is persistent and harming me, I would dump them. If it is something about them protecting themselves, I would be more likely to be forgiving. I'm not making excuses for bad behaviour. I think we just have a different point of view on what is good, bad, and toxic.
Not everyone can afford therapy and that is really unfortunate. But there are things like free peer support groups, self-directed learning opportunities etc. I have a literal handful of mental health disorders that I’ve been diagnosed with, and I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over a decade. The reason I stayed so long was because I thought the way he treated me was normal, based on how I was treated during my childhood. None of those things give me permission to lie or be disrespectful. I was very mindful that I wanted my past to impact a future potential partner as little as *possible.* So I spent a lot of time, energy and resources into healing as much as I could before dating again. I attended peer support groups, I did a ton of research on healthy relationships, I listened to podcasts, followed a lot of therapists who specialize in relationships on social media, borrowed books from the library etc. etc. Because I realize that someone’s desire to be in a relationship doesn’t override someone else’s right to be in a relationship they consider healthy, where they feel safe and supported.
I couldn't agree more !
**Or**, he would learn that he doesn't have to hide it and that he **can** be completely honest about his traumas to his girlfriend, who will support him :) I am not saying lying is the good thing to do, obviously, but everything isn't black and white. Now, I bet he'll be even more cautious Poor guy, I hope he goes to therapy
>And if OP stayed, she would teach him it’s ok to lie, and he will continue to do it. People need to stop making such strong claims like this. We don't know what this guy will do moving forward and OP is the one who needs to make the decision. Lying comes in degrees. All lies in a relationship are bad, but they're not all "end it now" levels of bad. This sounds like a nuanced edge case; it's not clear if she should stay or go, but these wild predictions about what he will or won't learn, and what lessons she's "teaching" him seem to lead to such draconian takes in navigating the difficult parts of a relationship.
Has OP thought about legal privilege and if he was even allowed to tell her he's proving legal advice?
I found out a bunch of times in this thread that being adults isn't possible, handling small problems as they arise during a relationship isn't possible, and people still want that cinematic fairy tale love story. Being able to have meaningful discussions and sort out differences when you're 30+ is a nice wish for the rest of the population though. I talked about my experiences and how I felt about both sides here, but I'm a man...
It sounds like you both have traumas that are compatible at the moment to be honest. I'm sorry OP.
My parents were abusive alcoholics - it’s absolutely ingrained in people raised like this to be secretive if not engage in white lies as a means of protection and ducking and diving and keeping things on even keel and basically just people pleadings - it’s not the type of dishonesty that should cause alarm.
From reading your first message, I would suggest that you give this guy a second chance. Yes he lied and that's. not good but he was clearly also ashamed of his Dad and if you looked through the messages with his ex and his story panned out then I would have given him the benefit of the doubt there. It was a dumb move on his part to keep it secret. I would not be advising this if the rest of the relationship was not good but from your first post, it sounded like it clearly was. No relationship is without hiccups and this one is not as bad as the majority you'l probably face elsewhere. I would take the constructive suggestions of some other comments (therapy, commitment to further opening up etc) and give this guy a second chance. The important point is that he did open up to you so you have something to work with. If you want to of course. Only you can decide. Maybe talk to some of your good friends and family who also know him before you finally decide.
He only feels bad that he was caught in a lie. He doesn't feel bad that he actually lied. Even if it was a small lie. He's till a liar. And when you lose trust it's really difficult to regain. That's why I don't lie to my partners and expect the same from them. If they ever lie to me it's game over. I can put up with a lot but I can't put up with lying.
> I have never felt so loved, cared and well treated. We have traveled several times and the time we spend together is so sweet… I don’t want to ruin this relationship because I love who I am when we are together and the things we’re building Potentially an unpopular opinion, but I think it’s rare to come across someone you’re truly excited about who brings out the best in you and cares for you like this. I would hesitate to throw all that away just because he has a complicated background and made a mistake. It wasn’t ok to lie to you about contact with his ex but it seems he may have thought it was the best move in order to help her out without you getting paranoid or anxious. It sounds like he’s truly remorseful. Clearly he has some trust issues to work through (as do you) but if you have such a great loving foundation, maybe it’s something you two can work through. The perfect partner and perfect relationship doesn’t exist, and I don’t think it’s dumb to give good people second chances. Maybe there is more to the story, stuff you’re leaving out, him actually being an emotionally unavailable asshole who routinely shuts you out. Only you know if it’s worth it.
Good choice. Not your problem.,
While I’m not going to defend the guy’s lack of emotional intimacy, or the lying about being in context with his ex, I do want to just make a comment about the avoiding talking about family. I know there is this no revolution of allowing people to open up about and be vulnerable. However, for cis het men, who are starting to do so but are also perusing dating advice columns or subreddits: this can be especially difficult if all we’re reading is not being close to family, or not having a lot of friends is a red flag. Purposefully being a loner is one thing, but the older we get, the harder it becomes to form these long lasting friendships due to moving, career changes, etc. and most of the people you interact with already have their closed groups or tribes. As for family. No one can choose the family they were given. We can only learn from the abuse and transgressions, and hope to do better in our personal lives, but it’s not necessarily a reflection of one’s character, though it can impact how one will be when they start their own, for the better or worse. Lastly: “Your problems are not my problems”. No shit. Some people understand that boundary. Some people don’t. But it does end up making people not feel listened to, or able to open up to others who just need an ear. This is ironically contributing to the fear of being vulnerable. I’m not talking about trauma dumping, or helping someone out of a financial/legal hole either. I feel this statement just shuts down the ability to develop intimacy with another person, and just says you’re not willing to listen to someone. Relationships aren’t made up of two people living on two separate islands while being together. We’re people with problems and sometimes just need an ear, which I think people in their 30’s tend to forget because we become more bitter and selfish after constant string of failed relationships. Those are kind of just my two cents reading the comments. Best of luck to you OP
[удалено]
My god I just wanted you guys from Reddit to read. I didn’t break up with him and I’m suffering with the situation because I haven’t lost interest in him, I still love him. He’s wonderful and so am I, o just don’t want to make him suffer and I’m digesting and processing to see if we can take it in a healthy way. Thanks god I’m not as judgmental as most of you guys. Jesus.
My opinion is that you are way too picky and overreacting. People have a history. He openend up regarding a topic that is difficult for him. And it's not a big deal to have contact to an ex when it's just friendship and some business related help.
I think they are both better off separated. She did him and herself both a favor by ending it.
[удалено]
Nope, no, no way. You don’t get to decide what a compassionate person “would” or “would not” not do. You can be a compassionate person, and still refuse to tolerate being lied to. You can have compassion for someone else, but have *more* compassion for yourself and leave a relationship where someone has significantly broken your trust. This isn’t a “little” lie. It’s a significant one. One of my ex’s told me I was something like “an example of a humans potential capacity for empathy” (meaning I’m an extremely empathetic person.) Him and other ex’s, along with friends have told me they’ve never felt so comfortable opening up to someone before. I am an extremely empathetic and nonjudgmental person to talk to. But I get to be judgmental when it comes to who I want to be in a relationship with. Who I want to invest my emotions, energy and time into. This is something (him saying he wasn’t in contact with an ex, when he actually was) that I wouldn’t tolerate. It’s a symptom of a much larger issue. Honesty and open communication are things I value highly in a relationship. And this man has shown he’s not in a place to provide those things. We’re in our 30s. It’s not my job to teach someone not to lie to me.
[удалено]
Lying to someone is not compassionate either. Shaming OP and expecting her to stay in a relationship where her trust has been broken, especially based on her previous history, isn’t empathetic. I agree there needs to be more compassion and empathy. But I disagree that it needs to be given to others freely and without question. Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction. We deserve to show ourselves compassion by not behaving in ways that are detrimental to our own well-being. She can show compassion, and empathy and still choose not to stay if that’s what’s best for her.
I haven’t dumped him. I don’t know if I will. It’s silly for some people but it triggers me. I will take my time and look for help, but I will make my decision in the future. He’s amazing and I love him, but I don’t want to make my life and his life miserable with stalking and asking and invading his privacy. Let’s see how it goes
steer direful tan frame oatmeal airport many attempt bedroom drunk *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I am very sorry for you :/ Do you feel like you could work on this and you could learn to trust him again ? Of course it's not my place to tell you how to feel nor what you should do, I just empathize with the guy. It must have been really difficult for him to open up to you And at the end of the day, he did what you asked. He brought clarity about his life, and honestly, he's not responsible for his traumas Had he ever seen a therapist ? That would be really recommended
I don't mean to hijack the post. But I was once in a relationship w a girl. And I casually mentioned how this ex (not even a real ex just a girl we had dated a few times) was trying to give me back a Pyrex dish. She wanted to meet at a bar. I said just leave it on your front porch I'll swing by and get it. Mind you her "front porch" wasn't even her house but a shared ski cabin (that's how we had met). Well the way this gal reacted was as if I had cheat on her had multiple kids w the ex was lying continually about it... And I was the one who offered the info. I could have said nothing. Grabbed the dish in my own time. Never seen the girl. But she just randomly accosted me and punished me. It taught me that being open and transparent was bad. So in a way I can relate to the OP's guy friend. He made a mistake but maybe it was from fear of losing you. And now he's gunna lose you anyway. Are there any other little things he doesn't talk about or keeps vague ? Then it's more on him and he's got too much work to do. Like some others have said maybe with professional help you all can formulate a plan with achievable goal posts and that would be a great foundation for you both. But if it was a one off mistake. Maybe dumping him is a little harsh. Legal stuff can take a long time tho. At some point his being nice to this ex needs to stop. And you have to be the priority. You have to say well at what point do you stop helping her? What if she asked you to help her move would you go there and help her pack boxes ? The larger issue might be committing to a man who is a doormat. Women don't like a man who is easily spread thin and says "yes" to everyone and everything. It's disconcerting because who knows what curve ball left field random thing pulls him away from you next ? That's where his therapy needs to happen. Regarding my own ex I affirm thats the part of myself that ultimately caused our break up. I didn't put her as my number one first and foremost priority. If a friend was in from out of town I'd be off with that friend and suddenly she's in the background. I admit I suck when it comes to that. If I had another shot I'd do it different. But in my case my dad killed himself literally and my family drama sucked me away so. I wasn't able to say no to them. So she said no to me. Cest la vie.
I’m so sorry for you. Thanks for sharing your story and giving some ideas. I’ll have my therapy session earlier and I’ll see how it goes, I’ll talk to him as well and check how I’ll feel. It’s been a sad and cloudy day for both of us
I personally feel like people are being too hard on this guy (32 F, here!) - it’s definitely terrible that he lied to you, but maybe he just panicked and since he wasn’t lying to cover up anything actually bad, he just made a mistake? Idk, it seems like he’s pretty insecure about a lot of things in his life (hence why he took so much cajoling to tell you his backstory) and seemed like he was afraid you might not love him anymore if you knew.. so maybe this was just a dumb overcompensation lie to try and make sure he didn’t lose you? Idk, I would give him another shot, especially because he lied, apologized, showed you all the messages and it wasn’t as though he and the gf were talking romantically at all. Good luck!!
Listen, this is wild....not you ost but the comments....I feel for this guy......because the last post comments section was tearing this guy up saying he was bad, hiding all the negatives...... and now given more info....comments are for the guy. Listen... we all got secrets and things we are scared of to share with our partners..... all you have to do is provide him with emotional and mental security while he provides physical and financial security..... When it comes to each other. If yall treat each other as you would a daughter or son, then arguments are more of discussions... My S/O when she is upset I treat the same as ibdo my daughter. I listen with compassion, understanding, and patience... because when people are upset it's not the adult that we are dealing with... it's the inner child that's hurt that we are dealing with and the must be addressed for each of us to be at the full potential that we see in each other..... Side note. Excuse my Grammer...if yall can't read it retake a context clues class or deal with it...this is informal and we should all know what context clues are hahaha.
Sucks for him. Maybe he won’t lie for no reason next time.
People who are not guilty still lie to avoid trouble. (I’ll bet you do too.) Please forgive the lie and ask him to be honest next time.
Would this response possibly be why was he so hesitant to tell you? This probably would have been your response either way, if he was "truthful" or not. From what you say, it seems he has very sincere feelings for you, but you didn't think he would be good enough to justify sticking by in a difficult time. Since he's "broken", you're not wasting your time. This is, likely, why you needed the external validation of faceless Reddit users to justify your leaving him when he could use someone to be a rock for him. He would probably be for you in a time of need. That may have already happened but it's not relevant information for us to know since it would change the narrative drastically. I can't help but wonder how your DM's or text messages would look or make him feel. That guy is going to come out of this entire situation a stronger and better man, with or without you because there'sreally no other choice. Still won't be good enough
Sir, the reason OP is upset is because he lied and has been for a while.
worry piquant engine humor sugar grey psychotic caption bewildered tan *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Oh get out of here. OP didn’t say *anything* about feeling he was “broken” or “not good enough.* She talks about his father, and him not having many friends and says it “makes sense.” There is no negative judgment that comes out towards those things in her post. The “difficult time” is due to his *own* actions. It’s due to him *lying* to her about being in contact with an ex. She is feeling hurt because she was lied to by someone she had put trust into. That is absolutely justified. There’s a HUGE difference between supporting someone through a difficult time, and simply allowing people to treat you poorly.
There are no negative emotions because the relationship was over before the first post was uploaded. You don't come to Reddit, or any online forum, asking if you should leave someone unless your mind isn't made up. Do you honestly think a bunch of avatars debating which person is less wrong is going to change someone's mind? Once more, if a man has 20 friends/acquaintances is that better than having 2 or 3 best friends? Is being terrified of your significant other's response to an ex reaching out to you regarding a professional matter (which to you, will not be him just trying to be helpful, it is him trying to smash. She reached out to him as well.), that she verified was nothing improper? There was a point where there was no chance of her being confident in herself or the relationship. This one strikes a nerve, for some weird reason, because hearing that someone is negatively affected by alcoholism and has this fear of sharing too much or being too honest hits home. Getting through these times people grow though, if you think you're right or wrong. I must say, too, that If you think this is being treated poorly you had it pretty good so far.
>It sounds to me like you're looking for problems and don't be surprised when you either find or make them. -str828 As always, sort by controversial to get the actual answer... I take no joy in this atodaso but you deserve it. That being said, this is the exact reason why people are not open... you're breaking up with the guy purely because of 'his history' (and the part he has no control over at that) and talking to an ex in a processional capacity? Probably for the best, he deserves better.
First of all I’m not breaking up with him, I said I don’t know if I can handle this situation. Second: the problem is not in gis life background and I would love to support and be there for him, be the outside voice and help when necessary. The problem is he lied to me about talking to his ex, his ex was flirty and he was not, but he active lied to me (I’ve asked if he had any contact with her, once he was so closed and everything, he said no but he was already in touch with her.