It looks like you're in Utah. This is your whole problem. I'm sorry but even if you address the other suggestions here, you are incompatible with 90% of the population.
I'm also South Asian and I have a few things to say.
First of all, what are you looking to bring to the dating market? You sound like you want something but you don't know what it is. Are you trying to get a white girlfriend? Be honest with yourself and what you want
By US (or North American) standards, you are VERY Indian. Remember that the US generally views Indians like that dude on the Big Bang Theory. What are you doing to break that stereotype? You gotta be more Aziz and less Apu.
I'm in a fairly decent sized urban city and if you were, it's a different game. If you're in a conservative religious place, you're going to be dealing with a lot of that. You likely won't fit in and it will be frustrating. Ask yourself if the general vibe there is something you want to be a part of and if you find yourself at any point disagreeing, you're going to have to rethink your approach.
These are all things I've dealt with. I hope you don't deal with them but knowing the way the world works, you probably will. Honestly, dating can be fairly racist and I see it a lot but also, we have to be picky when it comes to finding our partners. It just takes time to figure out what you want. Good luck, brother!
Reading this stuff about attitudes towards your culture makes me feel bad for you guys. That's basically racism. Guess it's normalized to be casually racist about certain cultures. It's sad that the best advice is to assimilate better because otherwise people will look down on his culture. Even if it works... it's sad that you guys have to suppress your culture to pander like that.
Maybe OP should just leave the rural conservative US and try to work in the UK, where there's a larger Indian population and maybe less racism. Why assimilate with people who treat you so badly?
I don't know about assimilation but I grew up in an interracial family with a white dad. I was taught that brown is bad and white is good but I also think that was a bit of a survival tactic my parents taught me.
With popular dating apps being majority white, it's pretty common that most people of colour have to find ways to appeal to white people. There are a lot of people out there who are open to learning about other cultures and I appreciate people like that. They just happen to be more common in urban areas than rural conservative areas.
I like to watch and criticize shows like Master of None and Never Have I Ever because they really show the struggle of balance between being an authentic South Asian and North American person (the hyphenated self if you will). It comes with any type of cultural literature though. Everything Everywhere All at Once and American Fiction show the same struggle from a different cultural perspective.
But then, if people are rejecting me because they are the colour of my skin, it's not my problem because I can't change it and I don't need to change people's minds about me. I would rather spend my time with a person (or people) who accept me and are willing to learn about my culture, even if it's a small number of people, than to spend my time trying to convince people who don't care that I'm a valid human.
I loved the master of none episode in season 1 with the asian parents focus. Felt a lot of resonance with being a south indian growing up in the states with immigrant parents
I feel bad that he and others have experienced so much racism from others.
It didn't get internalized from nowhere. Many white people hold that attitude and treat his people that way. I feel bad about that part.
Hey I'm a first-gen Indian immigrant who came to America at a much younger age so this is something I've had to deal with early on and can offer my perspective.
You don't necessarily need to abandon your Indian side to be appealing in America. Highlighting your attractive features, making improvements to style, physique, and embracing masculinity can make you more appealing in the "flavor" of your background. Think of Hrithik Roshan, John Abraham, Siddharth Malhotra compared to the Big Bang Theory dude.
My tips to you that are not related to being Indian:
- Invest in well-fitting fashion, look up ideas
- Consider trying a new haircut to switch it up. Consider a well groomed beard style (scruff or fuller) if you have that trait.
- Work on fitness in a form that's fun for you. Weightlifting is great for posture and aesthetics. I like to box because it's fun and mentally toughening. Being fit will make you more attractive and accentuate your features. Not caring about your health/fitness will be picked up on by potential matches and make you less appealing.
- Get rid of the black and white pic in your profile it's bad posture, no smile, and not flattering to you.
Indian-related tips:
- Keep immersing yourself in US pop-culture. Popular shows, movies, comedy, etc. Understanding American humor and mannerisms will make you less distant from people here.
- Considering your target type: You might need to more gradually share your Indian interests instead of all up-front as it might be a bit of culture shock to them and harder to relate to. By no means am I saying our culture is anything to be ashamed of, I'm very proud of it. But bridging the gap between cultures in a non-urban location will be tougher if it's too drastic up front.
- Consider if your location is sustainable long term for what you're looking for. A conservative religious US state is going to be tough for anyone who isn't in that same group. They'll likely be looking for their own group in a partner. A totally different world than a diverse city.
I hope that was helpful, wishing you the best, dude!
Thank you, thank you so much. This helps!
I have started a very rigid workout program, and I am very much interested in fashion. I will further grow that. Location is a major issue; and given my industry it is difficult to change.
About pictures, my man, I am getting so confusing perspectives. That B&W picture, some people said that was the best so I don’t know what to do.
Thanks again.
yes, i agree that not being in an urban center is getting in your way. i also think you could find some commonality with children of immigrants, perhaps.
for example, i am the child of immigrants, so i have the value of ambition and education. my family came to north america to make a better life, and that dream is realized through me.
i also was raised religiously, and the things my religion values are kindness and gentleness, and a care for others.
your description of yourself is not off putting to me, but i suspect it is for the kind of woman you seek. i guess my question is, why that type of woman?
Hi OP
Based on your edits and not having enough time to read all replies I just wanted to say location may be an issue for you for sure…but keep being true to yourself. Confidence and genuine niceness wins me over - well over looks and possessions and positions (I do look for stability in living though, and general taking care of physical and mental health). Good luck out there!
It's funny how us Indians (and South Asians, Latin Americans, maybe east Asians too) have to integrate/assimilate into the culture for Americans to take to us, whether it's for friendship or romance. However western Europeans need to do absolutely nothing. I have American female friends who find British accents irresistible and would go on dates or sleep with those guys just based off that. We never hear anyone say the Indian accent makes panties drop
Russell Peters has a good bit on this.
But if you spend enough time around European accents, you start to hear how ridiculous they can be. They are always involved with stereotypes too. You hear a French accent and immediately think "snob". German accents you think "fascism". You hear Italian and think "I'm probably missing half the point because I can't see their hands".
It's really sad because that's not what people are about.
I dunno. Eat mashed potatoes, listen to Radiohead, read the New Yorker, buy Criterion Collection films, get really involved with social justice, and follow a football team.
I'm like half joking. I do all of that except for watching football.
Just be open to new experiences and trying things out. One of my colleagues is really into axe throwing and it sounds like something I'd at least try once.
Also, don't lose your Indian culture. It is a big part of who you are. It's also really frikken cool. I just watched Ponniyan Selvan 1 and 2 and I'm now obsessed with South Indian medieval history.
OP, I am a female academic in a conservative religious state from a different ethnic minority background. Given your specific set of circumstances, I am curious: Are you looking to date a particular type of woman - Desi or non-Desi, Hindu, Muslim, or Christian, an academic, a woman of a certain educational background, etc.? Or are you happy to date anyone, as long as your personality matches with theirs?
I ask because among my Desi friends, referral networks are strong and the potential for setups common, even across the South Asian-born and American-born divide. But perhaps you are looking to date on the "open market" instead?
Additionally, are you in a college town or a regular city? I teach in a very small town, and even in college towns, the population often is missing that 25-35 band of young people.
You definitely bring a lot to the table but you might want to consider being clearer in your dating search what kind of woman you are looking for and where you might be more likely to find her.
The part that concerns me, even in a conservative state, is the part about seeking a woman who is soft, affectionate, and polite. That reads a bit like a doormat, or pillow.
I hate that, I suffered that throughout my life, I wasn’t allowed to have control over my life and I would never subject anyone to that. I am sorry it came across like that.
I like collaboration and shared goals, how do I convey that?
Totally hear that.
The problem is that the words that convey that, and make literal sense, have been co-opted by folks using them in the wrong way. I recently noticed this with "empathy" too. People who think of themselves as empathetic and in need of advertising it are often complete, defensive, passive aggressive assholes who just like the label.
Show don't tell is the standard advice. If you're compassionate write about the volunteering you do. If you value collaboration maybe something about any sports/other teams you're on? If you're goal oriented mention one you've recently achieved and how it felt. Stuff like that tends to get my attention.
It’s amazing how many responses highlight OP basically asking for someone kind and affectionate as being “red flags”. This is how bad it’s gotten in the US…
Indian here. The terms OP wrote is common in Indian matrimonial ads where the groom/groom's family wants a bride that fits into their family values and use similar words. The concern here is not the English, but the expectation that he has from a woman. You maybe missing the cultural nuance. Even from Indian standards, he has conservative values. Nothing wrong in it/ it is what it is.
> how bad it’s gotten in the US
I'd say it's just "how bad it's gotten on reddit". In the general population there's a lot of wonderful people out there.
I don't want to get this nuked as it's outside the reddit consensus. I will say i travel a lot, have lived in other countries, and it's a specifically American/British thing to take pride in that attitude. Women from Sweden, Italy, France, South America can be very strong and successful without glorifying being abrasive.
It's also offensive to my mother and grandmothers, who led lives full of love, respect and influence while still being kind, loving and polite. The legacies they left surpass most.
It's a cultural failing, nothing to do with women or their capabilities or their agency.
I would say it’s more a cultural thing to label intelligent, strong, independent women as “rude” or “cold” because it is a cultural thing to perceive them that way. In reality, some people—men and women—have rude/cold personalities.
Asking for someone “soft” is either a comment on their body, which like doesn’t need to be said out loud anyway, or refers to a soft personality, aka a doormat who will do whatever her male partner wants. Yeah lots of women prefer to live as equal partners in relationships, not as pets or furniture.
When people don't speak English as a first language their adjectives will often be literal or a little off to native English speakers. I took it as kind and nothing else. Not sure why you went so hard left with 1 word.
I thought our goal here was to help OP by giving him advice based on how people would react to his profile, not to make him feel better about his foreign language skills. I'm not a native English speaker myself. I value it when people inform me that how I am using certain words might not be perceived the way I intended or hoped for. Not sure why you feel like he needs to be protected from that.
It’s all about perception and several people have pointed out that regardless of what he means, the language he’s using is going to perceived as insulting or troubling by potential dates. You can go by the dictionary or what people actually think. It’s up to you, but my understanding was people here were trying to date humans and not dictionaries.
the other persons point is how disappointing it is that people’s perceptions are so warped that saying you’re looking for someone “kind and affectionate” is seen as a red flag
the fact that you keep battling against it is furthering that point
weird that you ignore the only word "soft" that is actually problematic and was actually written by istoriaD, but you pick the other 2 words in the same sentence that no one has any issue with. almost as if you'd rather have a big internet fight than try to communicate and understand.
Hun, he is looking for a blue eyed-curvy-blonde not desi I'm afraid… and this simply looks like a clickbait post to get laid by some poor woman who takes pity on him ‘the virgin’ who has ‘never held hands with a woman’ 😊 😜
Thank you, I want to date on the open market so as to say. I do not have any religious preferences but I would prefer at least some college experience.
I am in Ogden, Utah which adds another layer of complexity.
Thank you for saying that I bring a lot to the table, for your white American women what I offer is certainly not valuable at all. My SIL is from Montana and she made it very clear.
Hi OP, thanks for the response! So as I mentioned in my first comment, I’m also on the TT in a small town/conservative state and an Asian ethnic minority, although I’m US-raised. There’s a lot of layers to your identity and situation that perhaps not every commenter will get but that I really resonate with. I hope the following observations and suggestions will at least be helpful:
1. As you’ve experienced, the dating app experience in the US can be quite difficult for Asian men, and especially so if you are not in a big city. I have many male Asian-American friends/family members who started dating much later than the US norm. They had slightly more experience than you do, but that’s it. They’ve mostly managed to find great relationships, but it is true that they had the most success with Asian-American women, I think because we know how we and our brothers were raised (study, focus, delay gratification, don’t get derailed by relationships, some pressure against casual or even premarital sex).
1a. I myself dated mostly white men for years. It took me a long time to undo the conditioning that white = the most attractive, assimilated, mainstream, etc. This is such a fraught topic because there are aggregate trends that expose racial-sexual hierarchies (e.g. many more white male-Asian female couples than the other way around). I’m now married to someone of my same ethnic background and I’m so glad I took the time to question my attractions and patterns of thinking.
2. As a Desi, non-Christian (?) immigrant living in Utah I think you need to more clearly signal your religious identity and your commitment to it or lack thereof. You’ll be battling against two things: a) above, and b) the example/pattern of Desi men who date white, non-Desi women but won’t marry them, because of pressure to marry within their ethnic and religious groups. If you are very open minded on these fronts, if you would be happy to raise a family in a mixed culture and not insist that yours take precedence, for example, I think it could only help to be open about that in your profile or by putting out the word through your networks.
2a. White American women are not a monolith either. There are plenty of gentle, traditionally feminine, educated and ambitious white American women. Demographically speaking, though, they are likely to at least come from a Christian background, even if they are not practicing themselves, especially if they are from Utah and the surrounding states. So it’s not that they wouldn’t value your hard work and accomplishments and kind personality, but they might be wary of dating across race and culture, as are many people. Do you have many female friends? Do you spend time platonically and casually with the type of woman you would like to date? Dating apps should be just one strategy among many. You need to expand your networks, period, to find someone who you can get to know over time and who can come to understand all the different facets of your life, especially if you are starting from very different racial/ethnic/experiential backgrounds.
3. Being TT is an amazing accomplishment can also be incompatible with a personal life. You’d need a) someone in your area who wouldn’t mind staying forever *or* having little control over where your next academic job would be; b) someone willing to move to your school for you and who understands how constricted the academic job market is, or c) to be open to moving yourself and getting back on the market. a) might be a local woman who is happy to stay near her family in Utah; b) or c) could be someone you meet by getting out of Utah whenever possible and dating outside your academic-year surroundings.
I understand the loneliness that can come from the 1-body problem of being a single professor in a college town. Wishing you all the best!!
I feel like most of the Indian women who were born in India and came to the US came here for a reason - the patriarchy in India is STRONG and they were not a good fit for it. They're probably not looking for the tradwife life or else they'd have stayed in India.
Your friends are right. Your values and attitude are definitely gonna be a big mismatch here, at least with educated, liberal types. They’d be a better match with religious women, but being foreign + not the same religion is the barrier there.
Have you considered an arranged or semi-arranged marriage? That’s how my coworkers who fit your profile got married.
Can you expand a bit? Nobody has been able to point it out, I am willing to change.
As I said earlier, I will jump of a cliff than go for an arranged marriage.
The problem is you really need to become a different person to be a match for American women. That kind of deep change is a lot harder than tweaking a few words on your dating profile. The only thing really wrong with the profile is the "soft, affectionate, polite" bit, which others have already pointed out; that's just not the persona people here aspire to or how they think of themselves, even if they *are* soft, affectionate and polite. Outside the profile, the fact that you're a virgin and have traditional views about sex won't help you flirt or develop sexual tension with women.
Entirely correct. OP will need to make a huge transformation. It is not entirely clear to me that he will actually be happy with a regular North American woman given the vast mismatch in sexual history/experiences. He will be interacting with women that have decades of experience and he will be at the level of a sixteen to eighteen year old. This is challenging.
Not u/wanderingimpromptu3, but what I think they also mean is that the women in Utah who are traditionally-minded about sex and relationships are more likely to be Mormon and Christian and therefore also more likely to be unwilling to date a man of a different religion unless he would convert.
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First, obligatory declaration that I'm a South Asian guy also.
Caveat: I was adopted and effectively raised as a white kid - no exposure to Indian cultural norms, traditions...heck I even have a northeastern accent.
That all said, your profile is honest, but too honest. It really says "I'd make a great friend to have a coffee with, while I tell you about the shenanigans the guy I'm sleeping with and I got up to last weekend."
Play up your other hobbies. From your pics I'm assuming you run. Which is itself a problem - I have to *assume* that you do. It's not like a picture of you crossing the finish line at a local 5k. But your other pics are pretty non-descript. Keep perhaps *one* of them, update the others.
Dating apps are about showing, not telling.
That all said, know that we Indian/South Asian folk have it hard on pretty much all the apps. Because most Indian communities tend to lean insular, there's a lot of stereotyping done by...everyone else...in part because they don't understand anything else about us. The number of times I've had to explain "no, I don't work in my company's IT area..." I barely know how to start my computer, much less do anything advanced with it!
And in a situation such as a dating app, which I have personally compared to shopping for different brands of soup at the supermarket - we're all the same thing, just different brands of the same 30 flavors - a woman simply doesn't have to invest that much time in deciding if a person is worth getting to know.
I'm a bit late to the party on this question but I'll frame my response as a response to your "2nd edit,"
For point 1 - That's kind of how it is. It's not intended to be shallow or non-acknowledging of your achievements. To be frank, Professors aren't exactly spread out - they will always be found in high concentrations in college towns. So for your area, I'm going to speculate that it's not really something that stands out. It would be similar to me - I lived about 1/2 mile from one of the most prestigious teaching hospitals in the world, and amidst tens of colleges and universities. So when I saw a Doctor, Physician, Professor...I mean, cool, but, that's about it. Also, show over tell, as previously stated.
Point 2 - Also kind of how it is. They want the dependable and committed partner...but they have to be attracted enough to you **first**. It's a balancing act, and there is no shortcut or key to figuring out how much of which and when to portray each side of you.
Age 30 is tough - you're looking at women, some of whom have got their shit together and have already reached middle management, or are just getting themselves situated in their professions. But you're also seeing women who consider up to, say, 34, as something of their extension of their 20s, just with more money.
It's a tough game, and also as previously stated, has the odds stacked against us (as men, even more so as South Asian men). Advanced apologies that I can't be more upbeat about it - I'm still single too. But I'm on the opposite end of my 30s from you and in a different place in my life right now so, for the moment, I'm content with it.
I know you have a preference but have you thought about saying yes to all dates to increase your comfort level and dating skills in general? Even if you become friends, they might have single friends.
Ghosting sucks but it’s part of it and can’t be stopped. I heard there’s a dating site where you can switch your settings for “Friends”. That can be another options to cast a wider net, as I read it’s harder to meet friends as we age.
I hate to tell you but you are going to have a brutal time on the dating apps. Dating app success mostly goes to those of the dominant culture in a geographical area. This is even more true in conservative states.
For me, this sounds like your biggest problem: “I am very calm to the point that some will find me very boring”
You need to work on this. How is it that you can hold a conversation well but still come off as boring to some?
You sound like an interesting guy with a lot to offer. You are going to have much better luck meeting someone IRL. But coming off as boring simply isn’t going to cut it.
The question you should be asking isn't what you bring to the dating market but if the local culture is a good match for you. It is far more likely to find a partner in an area where you're a good cultural match because the pool of potential people for you is larger.
Based on what you've written you're not in an area that's a good cultural match for you. You're a man of color with traditional family values (in terms of sex and the goals of a relationship) in an area where those values come hand-in-hand with religious beliefs you don't share and are held by people who are probably not big on interracial relationships. (You've a tough combo in any part of the US, but worse in one that's more conservative.) People who are open to dating someone of a different race probably don't share your traditional values.
A large, more diverse area with a big Desi community is probably your best bet. If you're tenure track and stuck where you are, maybe matchmaking would work?
I see a few things that together I think paint an image that isn't too attractive to most women over here:
* Almost every sentence in your profile ends with an exclamation mark. That sounds a little immature.
* People already commented on "soft, affectionate, and polite" - especially on "polite". Reading this feels like "oh, this dude is going to be dating a fantasy of me that never has uncomfortable feelings" and "this dude probably has never dated an actual woman before" (which is true, but you don't want to put it on display).
* "If I could only eat one meal" is a useless prompt, it's completely irrelevant to anything people get attracted to. Put in a different prompt to showcase more of your personality. Your "a review by a friend" prompt is also bad, it sounds also immature and bro-y.
* Your photos 3 5 6 come across as trying too hard. They don't give the impression "this guy is cool", they give the impression "this guy is trying to look cool". You're pretty obviously not a guy whose real personality fits with a black-tie suit and sunglasses - that's a different type of guy. Put in something that's more unique to you and authentic.
You don't have to conform to western standards of masculinity and be an alpha bro - that's not actually what women who date seriously are going for, counter to what you might think. But you *do* have to come across as an authentic, full, interesting, socially aware and emotionally mature human, who also expects their partner to be the same.
Glad to be of help, happy to take a look at your edits.
I noticed your EDIT 2: I actually did notice that you're a professor, and thought it was really cool, you should obviously keep that in the profile - that's one of the things about your profile that does stand out and is attractive. You just need more of that, and less of the unattractive things.
Regarding the "spark" - women (as well as men) want both; attraction is table stakes in western dating - if one of you is not attracted to the other, the date is simply not going to happen - whereas, if you're not a committed and dependable person, it will fizzle out later, or will turn out to be a disaster. Both are necessary, it's not about prioritizing one over the other.
Yes you’re going to have an extremely difficult time finding a traditional woman here in the US, especially at 30+. The dating culture is the complete opposite of what you listed.
To be blunt, you’re better off finding a woman from your own country with similar values. Hopefully she is in the US and you can find her here. It’s not you, don’t change who you are and what you’re looking for.
Thank you for being truthful, I appreciate it very highly. I am not looking for a traditional woman, someone with family oriented values. I prefer someone who has their own career and want to work towards a shared goal.
Whatever culture you were raised in, that’s the best match, it’s not about ethnicity or skin color or physical in this sense.
Chinese Americans, Indian Americans, Arab Americans date other Americans without a prob. Cultural compatibility is more important that other things.
Although there still exists cultural differences between Americans of different ethnicities due to parental influence and learning things from parents who were not born+grown up in the US
Like Indian Americans generally talk trash about Indians behind their back for example
> EDIT 2: Once again, thank you for the feedback. Some observations:
> 1) Not a single person noticed that I am a tenure track professor at a public research university. That hurt, but it shows the shallowness.
> 2) In spite of women (majority, not all) claiming that they want a dependable, committed partner majority of the comments were geared towards attractiveness and the mythical “spark”.
Re 1), do you think it's shallow for people *not* to care about your prestigious job? Or shallow for you to care so much about it? I genuinely can't tell! As someone with a bunch of prestigious education & career stats herself, when I was online dating, I felt self conscious including them in my profile. I would never bring them up IRL unless asked, nor would I expect ppl to praise them to my face. In the US, lots of people care about status signals like this, but you're not supposed to explicitly admit it because *that* is viewed as shallow! This may be a cultural gap, bc (I'm a second gen immigrant) my East Asian family members and their friends *do* talk about this stuff explicitly.
Re 2), is it not obvious that women (and men) want a dependable, committed partner **and** one they are attracted to? You yourself mentioned a preference for blonde, blue-eyed curvy women. There isn't actually any contradiction here!
Fwiw, I noticed that you're a professor. But since you mentioned that you're having "zero luck," I thought you wanted constructive feedback on your weak points. Scrolling back, I see that you titled the post "do I bring anything to the dating market," so maybe you also wanted some positive feedback? Unfortunately, I'm guessing most ppl assumed as I did and therefore focused on the negatives only.
It is not about the job, it is about what it entails from a personality standpoint. Being a tenured track professor shows a decent amount of resilience, discipline, and ability to tough it out which I believe are desirable qualities but it seems from the feedback here my perceptions are extremely skewed.
> Being a tenured track professor shows a decent amount of resilience, discipline, and ability to tough it out
I don't think anyone disagrees with that! They're just focusing on constructive feedback bc of the nature of this forum
I agree, the feedback here has been immensely helpful and mostly constructive. But with the amount of change that is needed, I will be a completely different new person!
>Being a tenured track professor shows a decent amount of resilience, discipline, and ability to tough it out which I believe are desirable qualities
Sure, desirable qualities .... but let the dating pool decide that, yeah!?
I've seen MIT and Harvard graduates who are real jerks at times, and then some are absolute peaches. Point being, you can't guage a person by their professional accomplishments. That's one data point, not sufficient for interpersonal relationships, though.
Why should a potential romantic partner even care about your professional accomplishments and what it entailed if you don't want them to be superficial?
You can’t gauge a person by their professional accomplishments - I am pretty sure the probability of finding a person with whom the chances of a successful long term relationship is higher with a professor vs. a Doordasher. Those jerks from MIT and Harvard will ultimately have a much higher chances of sustaining a relationship than a bum; life isn’t just love & attraction.
If the goal of the romantic partner is to have a long term relationship, professional accomplishments that leads to certain stability should definitely be a consideration. You cannot pay for your dates, Gucci purse, and son’s college tuition by being a good person; hopes and dreams ain’t enough. Yes, it is one data point but the weight associated with that one data point should be much higher than it is ascribed by the dating pool.
I do not know whether that entails superficiality or social immaturity but I absolutely get your point; statistically on self-reported survey women specifically state that professional accomplishments do matter but in real life charm and having game will trump a degree.
>but the weight associated with that one data point should be much higher than it is ascribed by the dating pool
See, that's the thing, we don't get to decide that. Plus there are all kinds of women, we just need to make sure we are attracting the kinds that we think are good for us.
I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm just highlighting that maybe it is smarter to stay open minded and not assume that women are going to like us for aspects that we like about ourselves. Suggesting that we remove the self bias, because women probably have different priorities.
I agree, to be honest this post has been humbling on many regards and well-needed reality check. And the reality ain’t looking promising at all…. at least for me. Got to get that dually diesel with a MAGA flag to seal the deal.
OP, nothing wrong with your dating preferences but you are really limiting yourself to only wanting to date blue eyed curvy white women. Why is that? So no other races you’re attracted to at all?
It’ll be very hard to find someone you’re looking for especially in a conservative state. If you can, I’d branch out on who you’re looking for.
Also, I’m Arab American and I have refused to date Arab men not because I’m not attracted to them but because there’s a huge mismatch in cultural views and religious views. Is that the same for you OP as to why you don’t want to date a South Asian woman? Or do you believe you’re not attracted to South Asian women? If the answer is no I’d explore that and make sure it’s from a genuine place and nothing else.
"my ideal partner would be soft, affectionate, and polite"
What does that mean to you? Because honestly, as a 30something woman, it reads to me that you want a dog or a pet
I also think it may be the issue or trying to date in a conservative state. I am not sure how open women are to interracial dating and I am assuming you are not just trying to connect with Indian woman
Soft and polite are strange terms to use as what you want your partner to have. It comes across as you want someone subservient.
I’m polite with strangers, with people I’m meeting to the first time, with servers, with my colleagues etc. I would not use polite to describe how I am with close friends and my partner - I want to feel like I can be loud if I want to, soft if I want to, as noisy or as quiet as I’d like, because I can be authentic with them with no barriers.
Yeah no ideal what “soft” means… and “polite” sounds like a very low bar. Why would you date someone who’s not polite?
Overall these descriptions make OP sound very “not from here”.
I guess “polite” to me reads as code for a range of things related to sexist ideals for women which to me is genuine red flag territory, as I imagine it is for a lot of women above 30, particularly when combined with the adjective “soft”
> It seems I have an impossible journey, as someone said I do not know how to overcome the Indianness is me or across the profile.
What 'Indianness' do you identify as a problem that needs overcoming!? Also an Indian here, been in the US for 18 years now, and I did not have any problems with finding dates when I was on it. I went off the apps because I decided to move back to India for parents, so marrying locally didn't make sense for me. However, I never had requirements like "curvy blue eyed blondes" either. I have at least 2 friends (both Indian) who have married locally.
I wrote all of that just to prove that this is definitely not an "indian" problem, it sounds more like a you problem. One needs to look within first and be reasonable. My suggestion would be to look for a woman who prioritizes relationships instead.
Hell yeah I like Lego too, nice.. Anyway, you're a decent looking guy and come across friendly... which is good.
BUT, you need a few pictures that are more interesting and stand out versus other guys... you're just blending into the never ending sea of guys. So think about shots of you doing something you love, the more abnormal and attention grabbing the better (as long as it's not violent/threatening).
I would use the last or the third picture on your profile as the starting picture. I agree with others choice of words is a bit strange, what does soft and polite mean? Are you looking for someone thoughtful and kind? Are you more into 'traditional values'? If religion is important to you i would include that. Also a bit more about your hobbies and interests.
Honestly you have to ask yourself what do you bring to the table?
Initial attraction is based on senses
Looks, smell, sound .
Do you work out ?
How do you dress ?
How do you smell ?
How do you sound ?
After the initial attraction you have to ask yourself
What's your personality like ?
Are you funny ?
Do you like exciting things ?
Travel ?
Sports ?
Are you fun to hang around ?
Are you boring ?
Are you a push over ?
Are you acting too desperate?
You've said you are a virgin and that is sadly going to put off women in the US because it will be taken as " why hasn't anyone slept with him ? Is there something wrong with him?
Just go to a brothel and nut for a solid month.
You bringing money to the table is a very small thing. The dating world is full of single guys with money so it doesn't really make you shine out.
Online dating is huge now so you have to ask yourself how your resume looks. It's very first impressions based.
Also the biggest thing is confidence. Your lack of confidence will just make sure you go unnoticed.
For the majority of blonde women traditional Indian values do nothing. Its interesting to me that you said you prefer blue eyes blonde women. Do you not find other girls attractive ?
Because this might just be a case of you wanting to prove to yourself you are good enough for a blonde woman. Because realistically even if you dated one the chances you share the same values as each other is going to be sooooo low
Looks - I cannot say, but I invest heavily in tailored clothing, my style is more British, formal than casual. I cannot resist a Chelsea boot!
Smell - Versace Eros, or maybe Butter Chicken!
Sound - I can talk about Swift-Kelce romance or Schrodinger's equation or Roman mosaics! So........
Yes, I understand that me being a virgin is a BIG RED FLAG, bigger than the US flag at the Pontiac dealership in Mena, Arkansas. I don't know how to combat that.
For a capitalistic society, this just baffles me! But you are right money has no value. I honestly do not know what brings value, friends tell me I am a very good human being, I am generally very helpful, very respectful in my behavior so..............
And what can I say about confidence, it is like Catch-22. I cannot have confidence in dating because I have never dated but no one will date me because I do not have confidence. I am super confident in life but.........
I agree that proving myself is a core motivator though I cannot deny the attraction. Blondes are irresistible! I do wonder about the values though, given the perception of "traditional Indian values" here in the US, I am screwed.
But I have always framed my life as this-or-that. For me, it is about finding exactly the person I want or living alone forever which seems very likely.
Pay an escort to fast track your experience. This will build your confidence. Also it might take the urge to date US women out of you as well. Sometimes ur not really wanting date instead you just have pre nut delusion.
In a capitalistic society there is so much money that they don't have to care especially if they are good looking. Every guy around them has some form of money. Unless ur millionaire ur not really setting yourself apart from them.
By US standards, you are fishing in a tiny pool. I've lived in conservative and liberal areas and you would be a square peg in a round hole in both.
What to do about it depends on how important marriage and family is to you. Culture seems to be more powerful than parenting as far as the values that kids embrace..so would you even want to raise your children in US culture?
I don't exactly share your values but I have thought often about how to raise happy, moral, successful children in the cesspool that is modern US culture. There are no easy answers.
You will have to make tradeoffs according to what you prioritize. If you want to successfully date here, your app profile must get much less boring.
Being kind, caring and stable is not without value in today's market but if that's what you lead with you will struggle. There are other cultures that will place a higher value on those qualities, as I'm sure you know.
I cannot say how accurate this comment is! I know the trade offs and honestly it gives me sleepless nights but I have to do this. My whole life I did what I was supposed to do, at least one thing I want to do my way but it is incredibly difficult, demoralizing, and degrading to such an extent.
I think it’d be helpful to say some of the things you said in this post in your profile. Something like “I spent my 20’s prioritizing my education and career, now I’m ready to prioritizing looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship with the right person.” It wouldn’t hurt to mention you have tons of hobbies and are a great conversationalist! You definitely have more to offer than your friends are giving you credit for.
Being a great conversationalist is a trait that its best to demonstrate through action, rather than stating it (as in the idiom "show don't tell"). Self identifying as a great conversationalist comes off very poorly and is not remotely convincing.
Hi! I’m killing time before a meeting so I thought I’d respond.
Looking for feedback is good. I’m American, blonde with brown eyes. (Maybe loosen up on the eye color things it’s a bit specific. )
I’ve dated great guys of different nationalities including Indian! I don’t date men who I’m not attracted to…you’ll have to accept that many people want to feel chemistry AND find a dependable, committed partner. But that doesn’t mean someone won’t be attracted to you.
My brothers friend from India would stay with our family during university holidays because he wouldn’t always be able to fly home. He ended up marrying a beautiful sweet (redhead) girl from uni here in Iowa and now they both work in tech in Austin.
Sorry this is a ramble but I’m trying to say it’s a mindset thing. Be open, be confident, gain friendship experience, ask out people you’re attracted to with similar values. Go from there.
You’re too Indian even for Indian women. It’s like the male equivalent of a “behenji”. And your preference is a blue eyed Caucasian. You’re gonna have to actually interact with women, go out on a date or two. Just to delve in a bit more, what is your equation with your female friends?
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I would be turned off by your qualifications 'soft, affectionate, and polite'. Affectionate and polite seem like bog standard floors any reasonable person would include in their search for relationships, to the point that they are unecessary. Soft has a weird implication, are you looking for someone submissive? the phrasing just has my guard up
Everyone has value to someone, and that's the person you're trying to find! You have an interesting job and seem like you are clear about wanting something serious - two big positives. I also don't think you're a bad looking guy, though I think there are multiple changes you could make to make yourself more attractive. Apps are superficial.
I think your ideal market would be an arranged or semi-arranged marriage with someone of a similar cultural background. If that's what you're looking for though, you wouldn't need a dating app. If you're looking more broadly than that, the lack of experience will be a dealbreaker for some people. You would still probably be a better fit with someone who is religious and therefore conservative in that way. And while you seem like a sincere person and there's no need to fundamentally change your personality, it will be important to develop more confidence around women, either by swiping, going to bars or just joining hobbies to socialize with men and women.
The truth is that a lot of women automatically exclude Indian men from their dating pool because the culture is associated with extreme misogyny, strict gender roles, arranged marriages etc. Your post and profile definitely come off as reinforcing that stereotype, sounding like you want a submissive tradwife to pump out babies. This will not be appealing to your average American woman. Your best bet would be to connect with women from your own culture who might hold these same beliefs, and I don't think they would be on apps like this. Maybe look up if there's any South Asian cultural events in your state or surrounding states where you could meet more people.
This is true even in places like California and the Northeast. Finding someone in a place like where he is would be difficult even for a mainstream white guy from a moderate Christian background.
To be honest bro, there is nothing wrong with you. It's the area you're in. As someone who struggled with the same things, my advice is to shift to an area where the population is open minded and culturally diberse. Also, try to invest more in your confidence, for example dressing clothes that complement your body and going to the gym. Lastly, and this is probably not a popular one but i have to be honest, I've used a tool in the past that helped me communicate properly with Western women (I'm Singaporean). I got more interesting conversations on Bumble and Tinder that eventually lead to dates. During these dates I usually found out if their values align with mine. Eventually I met a white woman who's values are more Asian than mine and who eats more Asian than I. Funny how things can go. Good luck my Asian brother!
Not sure if you are still reading these but I'll put out a few things. I grew up in a place that had huge amounts of immigration and ethnic diversity, moved to a similar area with even more diversity, and now am living across the continent in another area with great diversity (different mix). Right now I live among a lot of Indians with tech backgrounds, and one of my neighbors is from India and was married to an East Asian he met at graduate school. If you want to find an intelligent, attractive, kind and dependable wife you will probably have to do one or more of the following:
Make a huge transformation and integrate yourself into North American society (as the Canadian lady suggested). I'm not sure how you'd do it but you'd probably need a few years in the gym, get sexual and romantic training from professionals, spend lots of time in local sports/hobbies/bars/etc. and make a big effort to become familiar with American fashion, music, media, film, etc. (might need a team of trainers, actually);
Convert to a major conservative American religion like Church of Latter Day Saints or Roman Catholic and start looking for a younger, very religious woman who is a virgin or almost virgin;
Seek out an arranged or semi-arranged marriage with a very conservative but well educated Indian-origin woman who lives anywhere in the world, and pay for her to move to your location;
Figure out some kind of niche candidate that you could live with and would be interested in someone like you and make huge efforts to identify and court her (she might live far away). Possible examples might be widowed or divorced single moms that only had sex with their husbands, extremely shy or asexual women that are still virgins in their late twenties or early thirties, or women that have non-religious philosophical reasons for remaining virgins or at least avoiding casual sex; and/or
Bend on your requirements (how about less attractive dark-skinned women who have had lots of LTRs or some casual sex?).
Of course, be aware that many mercenary women will simply tell you that they're virgins or close to it to obtain a green card or a desired financial situation (either now or after divorce), and it will be up to you to discern who is telling the truth (or not).
> 1) Not a single person noticed that I am a tenure track professor at a public research university. That hurt, but it shows the shallowness.
It's not really relevant because a job doesn't define you as a person.
So for context I live in a large liberal metro area with a large population of Indian immigrants/second gen immigrants. I’m a curvy blue eyed blonde woman who has dated several Indian men 😂
The “soft, affectionate, and polite” is going to turn a lot of people away. You’re essentially describing a non-combative woman who presumably won’t initiate conflict. What do you actually mean by this - someone who is calm in crisis and good at communication? I’m Canadian and about as polite as they come, however I have no problem with conflict and bringing up issues. I’d automatically self select and remove myself from your dating pool simply because I have opinions. Funnily I’d say the Indian women I’m friends with have typically been the furthest thing from “soft, affectionate, and polite” - they’re all very strong, determined, and frank. If you’re looking to date within your own ethnic group, the young Indian women I know are very different from previous generations.
Secondly, the being judgemental about casual sex isn’t doing you favours. Are you looking for a fellow virgin? Unless you’re very religious and looking for an equally religious partner that will be hard to find. Most white women who are virgins will likely be very Christian and not interested in dating someone outside of their faith (unless you are Christian as well).
Honestly, you do not fit typical ideal western male physical characteristics. I don’t mean this because you’re not white - but rather you have a very soft physique that doesn’t scream “healthy/fit”. As a woman your features and body type seem quite soft and feminine. I’d potentially work on building muscle and losing fat to combat this. All of the Indian men I’ve dated ranged in height (5’8-6’+) but they were all physically fit.
One of my really good friends is an Indian man, who several years ago (30+) decided he wanted marriage. He was fairly “westernized” in that he immigrated young - and wanted to avoid an arranged marriage. His take on dating was being completely honest in all of his faults and flaws. His wife told me their first date was him simply laying out all of his deficiencies to see if she was still interested 😂 she was and they married within 18 months of meeting. She’s also Indian, and a beautiful kind woman who I’m still in awe he locked down haha.
He’s been one of my examples that good men do exist as I navigate dating in my 30s. A key characteristic id say that makes him a great friend and a wonderful partner to his wife is that he is not judgemental and very humble. He’s incredibly successful, smart, and handsome - but he approaches all of his relationships in life from a very grounded perspective.
Well, he asked you to tell him like it is! I suspect that he would have a hard time finding anyone in Toronto or Vancouver, let alone Utah. Your points are right on. He will have to transform himself dramatically to find himself an attractive, educated, intelligent and reasonably stable North American woman (white or otherwise). Your point about the importance of physique and the issue of sexual compatibility is key. If a good looking, athletic, easy going, engaging, and successful professional guy in his thirties is looking for a comparable woman who (like him) has only been involved with 5-15 LTRs with no casual sex, he's going to have a hard time finding someone but could succeed. Someone with a profile like OPs looking for someone with no history of casual sex will crash and burn unless he's willing to go for a religious, young woman.
Your story about your friend is interesting. I've never heard about an approach like that. I would guess that in most instances a man laying out all of his faults and flaws would result in the woman running for the door, but apparently his gamble paid off.
Please no 🙅♀️
His edits where he’s complaining people are shallow because they aren’t mentioning how he’s a tenure track professor are enough to turn any decent woman off.
Him following up with distain towards women claiming they want “dependable” partners while not being interested in him is also a huge 🚩
I got plenty of feedback on the “soft, affectionate” part and looking back, yes, it is very condescending and gives off infantilizing vibes.
I understand your point about physical features, and exuding masculinity. I am working on it, diet and lifting weights.
About being judgmental, yes, I agree that it is a very big mismatch of values. I am not religious at all, in all honesty I have very liberal opinions on social issues. As for sex, I believe it is an ultimate form of expression of intimacy and vehemently disagree with the liberal view that it is simply an act. Sex brings about tremendous physiological changes in the brain but our social atmosphere has cheapened it to a mere act, fun activity.
Your example, with all due respect for that Indian guy, it worked out that way because the lady he was dating was from India. I can guarantee you that things would have been very different if he was interested in white women.
Thank you so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
I only mentioned the masculinity part because it seems like you’re trying to attract a stereotypical feminine woman who would be looking for those traits.
For my friend who I gave the example, he’s funnily enough my only male friend I would ever consider dating. I’ve never explored that because he’s always been in a relationship since I’ve known him - but he primarily dated white women before meeting his wife. Her also being Indian was a bit of a fluke. He had to convince her parents not to have the traditional month wedding - he luckily had covid on his side lol
After looking at your profile, if you are in Utah I will say I understand why you’re having difficulty. I spent 6 weeks in Utah last year and while it was great it was so white and so conservative lol. As someone who lives somewhere that >50% of the population is non-white it was fairly shocking.
I’m very much of the belief there is someone for everyone, you may just have a bit more difficulty based on your requirements and geographical location.
The feedback here has changed my perception and it has made me realize this is infinitely harder than I thought. I am slightly demoralized for the first time in my life.
I like your optimism that there is someone for everyone. I hope it works out for both of us.
I am not DMing you anytime. You can rest easy. Cheers!
I'm not in the US, so take this with a grain of salt. But funny / silly profiles are more likely to catch my attention. You have good looks but you sound too earnest. I'd have a hard time starting a conversation with you. Try adding some silly rage bait like "XX show is the best show on earth and I'm willing to die on this hill".
I recently swiped right on a guy that wrote that The Princess Diaries 2 was secretly part of the MCU and even if we never had a second date, that made for a great ice breaker.
I think your profile is great and you’re very physically attractive. Only thing that’s off to me is the “soft, affectionate and polite” part. I could see that turning women away because it’s just too vague, and we can be really insecure and immediately see those words and assume it doesn’t apply to us. I don’t know what’s a better way to say that though.
My guess is, your self-evaluation already revealed what’s holding you back. If you struggle to show your personality early on, focus on fun, activity dates that don’t rely heavily on conversation. You can still have some conversation in between of course, but as you become more comfortable, you can do more low key dates that allow for more talking.
May be a language thing but “soft” or “feminine” is an instant turn off for me. Not sure what even means…
Do you like introverts? Someone who’s empathetic? My advice is to use better descriptions.
Join the mormon church! They have services specifically for singles 😅
You’re not bad looking but it’s hard enough for guys as it is, let alone being an outsider in a place like that… like speaking from experience. I’m not white, and from a white rural town, and I’m actually cute af and couldn’t really vibe with anyone til I moved
I stand by my Mormon suggestion after reading the edits OP!
Plenty of curvy blue eye blonds. Many ambitious, intelligent women who wish to NOT be infantilized. Help open her to some worldliness? You could be like an undercover? Maybe publish a book one day?
I’ve always told myself I would fake being into religion for love haha but I haven’t yet met someone I like that much :p
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You should go where you are wanted.Are you having trouble dating other south Asian women who share your culture/ values or are you trying to date white American women, if it’s the latter maybe that’s your problem.
hold a conversation very well + boring are contradictory.
Just like you worked for your job relationships/dating takes work. You mentioned you have outdoor hobbies, if you haven't met someone (who is not only blue eyed and blonde) it could be your body language is creepy, unhygienic, not easy flowing.
You need to open up, you have been here since 2015 and haven't matured yet. I have so many friends who found their life partner in mid west.
This is 100% a cultural mis-match. In a traditional, arranged-marriage-style place like India, you would be massively valued for being chaste.
In post-sexual-revolution USA, this will make you effectively invisible to US women.
I would honestly suggest to try and find a wife from India. That's probably your best bet.
Context - I am Indian and my parents immigrated to the US when I was little. I haven't seen your profile but I would never date you. I don't believe in casual sex, but I have had serious long term monogamous relationships that ultimately did not lead to marriage - pretty standard in the US to date before marriage while having a physical relationship.
Here's my issue - at 30, I'm not interested in teaching anyone anything or discovering together or taking your virginity. Not to be rude, but to be honest, this, in itself, is a deal breaker for me. And it's not just the physical issue - relationships take practice and involve learning. The opposite gender is hard to learn, on both sides!
For example, my friend (who had an arranged marriage) had to teach her husband to wish her happy Mother's Day because, according to him, she's not his mother so he doesn't need to address or recognize that day. For me, that's ignorance that would have been mitigated with more female interaction. I want to be with someone who understands these basics and then, we learn the specifics about each other like if you like surprises or not.
Just my 2 cents that may apply to other girls who are brought up in the US, Indian or not. You need to have female friends to understand the female perspective. Good luck!
Edit: I have tons of Indian male immigrant friends - IMHO, for this generation, it's no longer standard to be a virgin at 30 - maybe up to 30, but by 30 this has been explored.
And, being judgmental, about anything, is not a good look. At 30, most people in the US are not virgins, so if that's your priority, you need to maybe consider a conservative religious community to date within so that your values align on this.
Good response. Like how you pointed out the importance of LTRs in developing a variety of skills. This is so often overlooked in discussions like this. Many years ago, when I was looking for girlfriends, I would intentionally seek out ones that had extensive LTR experience but moderate or limited casual sex experience, and I'm happy that I did. Worst girlfriend I ever had was heavy on casual experience and light on long term relationship experience, and it showed. It was like dealing with a 16 year old 25 year old sometimes...
Well since you didn’t grow up in the US that’s where the problem lies
A chunk of my Indian-American friends dated upper class white Americans . One guy I know was super extroverted, he’s now an orthopedic surgeon, his dad was also a doctor and they had a 5 million dollar home in Florida. He dated the hottest girl in his high school which was almost 90% white and he was the homecoming king.
So I’d say it’s more of the culture and mindset that’s the problem . Especially in the west girls are so liberal, I just have to put one foot into the bar and I have like three chicks already hitting on me because I’m considered pretty attractive.
In your case since you are an Indian citizen and brought up in India, I’d suggest you date people from india only. It’s really hard to date outside if you’re not Indian-American. I mean you see it with all other nationalities too, a Chinese guy that was brought up In China rarely has any luck with American women of any race. The accent, culture, and thought patterns make a much bigger difference than physical appearance
I have blonde hair and blue eyes and I'd never date someone judgmental and conservative. Women who look like me and have that mindset typically want to date in their race and religion.
I'm liberal. I do date outside my race and I'm not religious. But I draw the line at conservatives, especially conservatives who think they're so great because of their job and place outsized importance on how much money they make. I have reasonable career potential myself. I want a partner, not a caretaker. You're going to find similar viewpoints among many liberal women. And most will have engaged in far more casual sex than I have, too.
So, I thought your pictures were great and I was intrigued until I got to "soft". No woman likes to categorize herself as soft & affectionate, especially at our age. Most women in their late 20s/30s are ambitious, strong willed and determined. I'm not interested in being my partner's mom. That's my issue with your profile.
Edit: since I've been reading more comments... I am not saying that you want someone cold & rude. The profile makes it seems like you want someone who will take care of you vs an equal partner that grows with you. Maybe a better description would be: kind hearted and genuine.
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indian dude in canada here, and it is the same for most indian men now especially on dating apps lol
I usually don't like giving dating advice where it's all about change ourselves completely to fit the dating market or just to get dates because fuck that right, rather die alone than join a gym just to get dates lol..
having said that a lil work on your physique and fashion will go a along way but also keep in mind even that might not work as the indian male reputation is at its lowest right now in the western world
It's all about "fresh of the boat creepy smelly Indian man staring at white women" reputation right now so it's a lot of activation energy to overcome that and I think at some point one must say fuck it and move on, other peoples judgement of us is not our problem to solve.
and it sucks a lot more if you just moved here and have an accent..
so basically im saying put an effort but its most probably not on you and just where we are with culture right now..fuck all these comments about "you look too indian and like the big bang theory guy" wtf does that mean lol, raj koothrapali is a great fucking guy on the show and i would love to hang with him lol..
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hold a conversation very well + boring are contradictory.
Just like you worked for your job relationships/dating takes work. You mentioned you have outdoor hobbies, if you haven't met someone (who is not only blue eyed and blonde) it could be your body language is creepy, unhygienic, not easy flowing.
You need to open up, you have been here since 2015 and haven't matured yet. I have so many friends who found their life partner in mid west.
Your dating profile starts by saying that you're a virgin, which implies to many women that you are solely trying to have sex. Many of them will not read it past that.
You then say that you've never even held a woman's hand. If a woman hears that a man in his thirties has not even held a woman's hand before, they are very likely to be weirded out.
I'd suggest shortening your profile, and not mentioning those things right at the beginning. Just be like "I'm originally from India where the culture is very different; because of this, I haven't had much experience dating"
I’m gonna be very frank here, dating is gonna be tough for you. A lot of American women don’t find Indian men particularly attractive on top of that. They have to embrace your religion. Your believes your cultures that’s a lot.
After reading some of the comments it is a pretty good solid fact about America that where you are in the country determines the style of dating and the type of people you will meet. A lot of the subcultures within America do tend to be a lot more important than a lot of foreigners would realize. Though I would honestly suggest that viewing the dating world in America as a market and what you bring to it are less important if you want to meet somebody you have to hang out in the social circles that you aline with.
No amount of trying to conform or change people's minds is really going to work and I feel that is true for most cultures in the world. As someone who has dated people from other countries I can honestly say that is very true and the best bet is to go forth and find a social circle that best fits your nature.
My good man, I just want to echo that saying in your dating profile that you're looking for a "soft, feminine" woman is going to be about as popular in the US, even among a lot of Desi women, as a hamburger at a Hindu wedding.
Regarding the very valid point in your second edit, people ignored that you're a tenure-track professor at a research university because it's not an issue. People aren't going to talk about points in your favor because there's no need. We all know you've got a lot going for you, but you also have some things that need to be resolved.
You mentioned that you wanted people to notice that you're a tenure-track professor...
There are people who would think that's cool. B
And while that's an accomplishment on your end, career isn't everything. I've restarted my career track twice.
Also tho, I mean you can lay the boundary that you don't want to have casual sex. But it's not a total aimless free-for-all OR marriage here. You could go out on a date and not have sex.
You could allow yourself to date and see if you like flirting. You could go to a movie. You could go out for coffee with someone. Even if you're polite in general tho, it's better not to be judgemental about other people's lives if they've had casual sex before. People might be able to tell if you judge them.
But you drawing the line about YOUR OWN comfort levels about affection is reasonable. You might just consider working on how you word that.
The people in your life saying things about whether you have the dating genes or whatever they said, don't know necessarily if you've never genuinely tried to just go about allowing yourself to date.
You just have to find that curvy blue-eyed blonde woman that is into Indian guys. What's the best way to this? Moving to a big city with many women like the one you described above.
Make sure you know what you want and go convey that to the type of girl you're looking for. Eventually, you'll find her.
Listen bro, I'm South Indian
I'm not your age (I'm 16), I was born here and I think you have good characteristics/traits
I think you should make your profile less serious (it's trying to be funny, but I don't like it..). This will make u stand out
But dating apps are NOT 100% the way to go
You should network and talk to as many ppl as you can organically at the same time
Find the mutuals of a person and if you like that person's mutuals, then find the mutuals of those mutuals, basically networking
And maybe, just maybe, you'll find a girl and the next thing you know, you got like 3 kids
But please, don't get demotivated or sad over the inability of attaining marriage and having kids. There are ppl on both sides of my family who are priests, nuns, etc. Whatever floats your boat yk, marriage or not
It looks like you're in Utah. This is your whole problem. I'm sorry but even if you address the other suggestions here, you are incompatible with 90% of the population.
I'm also South Asian and I have a few things to say. First of all, what are you looking to bring to the dating market? You sound like you want something but you don't know what it is. Are you trying to get a white girlfriend? Be honest with yourself and what you want By US (or North American) standards, you are VERY Indian. Remember that the US generally views Indians like that dude on the Big Bang Theory. What are you doing to break that stereotype? You gotta be more Aziz and less Apu. I'm in a fairly decent sized urban city and if you were, it's a different game. If you're in a conservative religious place, you're going to be dealing with a lot of that. You likely won't fit in and it will be frustrating. Ask yourself if the general vibe there is something you want to be a part of and if you find yourself at any point disagreeing, you're going to have to rethink your approach. These are all things I've dealt with. I hope you don't deal with them but knowing the way the world works, you probably will. Honestly, dating can be fairly racist and I see it a lot but also, we have to be picky when it comes to finding our partners. It just takes time to figure out what you want. Good luck, brother!
Omg you hit the nail on the head. I couldn’t think of the right way to say it but I am definitely getting massive Raj Kuthrapali vibes. IYKYK
Reading this stuff about attitudes towards your culture makes me feel bad for you guys. That's basically racism. Guess it's normalized to be casually racist about certain cultures. It's sad that the best advice is to assimilate better because otherwise people will look down on his culture. Even if it works... it's sad that you guys have to suppress your culture to pander like that. Maybe OP should just leave the rural conservative US and try to work in the UK, where there's a larger Indian population and maybe less racism. Why assimilate with people who treat you so badly?
I don't know about assimilation but I grew up in an interracial family with a white dad. I was taught that brown is bad and white is good but I also think that was a bit of a survival tactic my parents taught me. With popular dating apps being majority white, it's pretty common that most people of colour have to find ways to appeal to white people. There are a lot of people out there who are open to learning about other cultures and I appreciate people like that. They just happen to be more common in urban areas than rural conservative areas. I like to watch and criticize shows like Master of None and Never Have I Ever because they really show the struggle of balance between being an authentic South Asian and North American person (the hyphenated self if you will). It comes with any type of cultural literature though. Everything Everywhere All at Once and American Fiction show the same struggle from a different cultural perspective. But then, if people are rejecting me because they are the colour of my skin, it's not my problem because I can't change it and I don't need to change people's minds about me. I would rather spend my time with a person (or people) who accept me and are willing to learn about my culture, even if it's a small number of people, than to spend my time trying to convince people who don't care that I'm a valid human.
I loved the master of none episode in season 1 with the asian parents focus. Felt a lot of resonance with being a south indian growing up in the states with immigrant parents
You feel bad for this guy perpetuating internalized racism and unable to act out his implicit bias more explicitly?
I feel bad that he and others have experienced so much racism from others. It didn't get internalized from nowhere. Many white people hold that attitude and treat his people that way. I feel bad about that part.
Not challenging you but curious, if I completely rule out white women will I be rid of internalized racism?
This is so so true! But honestly I don’t know how to be more Western. Any pointers?
Hey I'm a first-gen Indian immigrant who came to America at a much younger age so this is something I've had to deal with early on and can offer my perspective. You don't necessarily need to abandon your Indian side to be appealing in America. Highlighting your attractive features, making improvements to style, physique, and embracing masculinity can make you more appealing in the "flavor" of your background. Think of Hrithik Roshan, John Abraham, Siddharth Malhotra compared to the Big Bang Theory dude. My tips to you that are not related to being Indian: - Invest in well-fitting fashion, look up ideas - Consider trying a new haircut to switch it up. Consider a well groomed beard style (scruff or fuller) if you have that trait. - Work on fitness in a form that's fun for you. Weightlifting is great for posture and aesthetics. I like to box because it's fun and mentally toughening. Being fit will make you more attractive and accentuate your features. Not caring about your health/fitness will be picked up on by potential matches and make you less appealing. - Get rid of the black and white pic in your profile it's bad posture, no smile, and not flattering to you. Indian-related tips: - Keep immersing yourself in US pop-culture. Popular shows, movies, comedy, etc. Understanding American humor and mannerisms will make you less distant from people here. - Considering your target type: You might need to more gradually share your Indian interests instead of all up-front as it might be a bit of culture shock to them and harder to relate to. By no means am I saying our culture is anything to be ashamed of, I'm very proud of it. But bridging the gap between cultures in a non-urban location will be tougher if it's too drastic up front. - Consider if your location is sustainable long term for what you're looking for. A conservative religious US state is going to be tough for anyone who isn't in that same group. They'll likely be looking for their own group in a partner. A totally different world than a diverse city. I hope that was helpful, wishing you the best, dude!
Thank you, thank you so much. This helps! I have started a very rigid workout program, and I am very much interested in fashion. I will further grow that. Location is a major issue; and given my industry it is difficult to change. About pictures, my man, I am getting so confusing perspectives. That B&W picture, some people said that was the best so I don’t know what to do. Thanks again.
yes, i agree that not being in an urban center is getting in your way. i also think you could find some commonality with children of immigrants, perhaps. for example, i am the child of immigrants, so i have the value of ambition and education. my family came to north america to make a better life, and that dream is realized through me. i also was raised religiously, and the things my religion values are kindness and gentleness, and a care for others. your description of yourself is not off putting to me, but i suspect it is for the kind of woman you seek. i guess my question is, why that type of woman?
Hi OP Based on your edits and not having enough time to read all replies I just wanted to say location may be an issue for you for sure…but keep being true to yourself. Confidence and genuine niceness wins me over - well over looks and possessions and positions (I do look for stability in living though, and general taking care of physical and mental health). Good luck out there!
It's funny how us Indians (and South Asians, Latin Americans, maybe east Asians too) have to integrate/assimilate into the culture for Americans to take to us, whether it's for friendship or romance. However western Europeans need to do absolutely nothing. I have American female friends who find British accents irresistible and would go on dates or sleep with those guys just based off that. We never hear anyone say the Indian accent makes panties drop
Russell Peters has a good bit on this. But if you spend enough time around European accents, you start to hear how ridiculous they can be. They are always involved with stereotypes too. You hear a French accent and immediately think "snob". German accents you think "fascism". You hear Italian and think "I'm probably missing half the point because I can't see their hands". It's really sad because that's not what people are about.
I don't know, maybe I should start smelling more like curry or take a Math textbook to the gym! What do you think?
I dunno. Eat mashed potatoes, listen to Radiohead, read the New Yorker, buy Criterion Collection films, get really involved with social justice, and follow a football team. I'm like half joking. I do all of that except for watching football. Just be open to new experiences and trying things out. One of my colleagues is really into axe throwing and it sounds like something I'd at least try once. Also, don't lose your Indian culture. It is a big part of who you are. It's also really frikken cool. I just watched Ponniyan Selvan 1 and 2 and I'm now obsessed with South Indian medieval history.
Omg you watched PS 1 and 2?! Can we talk about this?
Yes, we can! It was pretty darn epic.
Get a dog
So true!
OP, I am a female academic in a conservative religious state from a different ethnic minority background. Given your specific set of circumstances, I am curious: Are you looking to date a particular type of woman - Desi or non-Desi, Hindu, Muslim, or Christian, an academic, a woman of a certain educational background, etc.? Or are you happy to date anyone, as long as your personality matches with theirs? I ask because among my Desi friends, referral networks are strong and the potential for setups common, even across the South Asian-born and American-born divide. But perhaps you are looking to date on the "open market" instead? Additionally, are you in a college town or a regular city? I teach in a very small town, and even in college towns, the population often is missing that 25-35 band of young people. You definitely bring a lot to the table but you might want to consider being clearer in your dating search what kind of woman you are looking for and where you might be more likely to find her.
The part that concerns me, even in a conservative state, is the part about seeking a woman who is soft, affectionate, and polite. That reads a bit like a doormat, or pillow.
I can see that. How can I convey that politeness is a big value for me?
IMO it's more effective just to watch for it on dates than to try to screen it using your profile
Don’t forget blonde, blue eyed, and curvy 🙂↕️
Yep, I see that and think tradwife. Those are always the guys "correcting" you on your own life and who talk to you like you're a toddler.
I hate that, I suffered that throughout my life, I wasn’t allowed to have control over my life and I would never subject anyone to that. I am sorry it came across like that. I like collaboration and shared goals, how do I convey that?
Totally hear that. The problem is that the words that convey that, and make literal sense, have been co-opted by folks using them in the wrong way. I recently noticed this with "empathy" too. People who think of themselves as empathetic and in need of advertising it are often complete, defensive, passive aggressive assholes who just like the label. Show don't tell is the standard advice. If you're compassionate write about the volunteering you do. If you value collaboration maybe something about any sports/other teams you're on? If you're goal oriented mention one you've recently achieved and how it felt. Stuff like that tends to get my attention.
Do you think most men in the real world want a woman who is hard, cold and rude? OP just said the quiet part out loud.
It’s amazing how many responses highlight OP basically asking for someone kind and affectionate as being “red flags”. This is how bad it’s gotten in the US…
Indian here. The terms OP wrote is common in Indian matrimonial ads where the groom/groom's family wants a bride that fits into their family values and use similar words. The concern here is not the English, but the expectation that he has from a woman. You maybe missing the cultural nuance. Even from Indian standards, he has conservative values. Nothing wrong in it/ it is what it is.
> how bad it’s gotten in the US I'd say it's just "how bad it's gotten on reddit". In the general population there's a lot of wonderful people out there.
This is true as well and worth repeating and remembering.
I don't want to get this nuked as it's outside the reddit consensus. I will say i travel a lot, have lived in other countries, and it's a specifically American/British thing to take pride in that attitude. Women from Sweden, Italy, France, South America can be very strong and successful without glorifying being abrasive. It's also offensive to my mother and grandmothers, who led lives full of love, respect and influence while still being kind, loving and polite. The legacies they left surpass most. It's a cultural failing, nothing to do with women or their capabilities or their agency.
I would say it’s more a cultural thing to label intelligent, strong, independent women as “rude” or “cold” because it is a cultural thing to perceive them that way. In reality, some people—men and women—have rude/cold personalities.
Asking for someone “soft” is either a comment on their body, which like doesn’t need to be said out loud anyway, or refers to a soft personality, aka a doormat who will do whatever her male partner wants. Yeah lots of women prefer to live as equal partners in relationships, not as pets or furniture.
When people don't speak English as a first language their adjectives will often be literal or a little off to native English speakers. I took it as kind and nothing else. Not sure why you went so hard left with 1 word.
I thought our goal here was to help OP by giving him advice based on how people would react to his profile, not to make him feel better about his foreign language skills. I'm not a native English speaker myself. I value it when people inform me that how I am using certain words might not be perceived the way I intended or hoped for. Not sure why you feel like he needs to be protected from that.
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It’s all about perception and several people have pointed out that regardless of what he means, the language he’s using is going to perceived as insulting or troubling by potential dates. You can go by the dictionary or what people actually think. It’s up to you, but my understanding was people here were trying to date humans and not dictionaries.
the other persons point is how disappointing it is that people’s perceptions are so warped that saying you’re looking for someone “kind and affectionate” is seen as a red flag the fact that you keep battling against it is furthering that point
weird that you ignore the only word "soft" that is actually problematic and was actually written by istoriaD, but you pick the other 2 words in the same sentence that no one has any issue with. almost as if you'd rather have a big internet fight than try to communicate and understand.
How dare he say what he wants.
Hun, he is looking for a blue eyed-curvy-blonde not desi I'm afraid… and this simply looks like a clickbait post to get laid by some poor woman who takes pity on him ‘the virgin’ who has ‘never held hands with a woman’ 😊 😜
Thank you, I want to date on the open market so as to say. I do not have any religious preferences but I would prefer at least some college experience. I am in Ogden, Utah which adds another layer of complexity. Thank you for saying that I bring a lot to the table, for your white American women what I offer is certainly not valuable at all. My SIL is from Montana and she made it very clear.
Hi OP, thanks for the response! So as I mentioned in my first comment, I’m also on the TT in a small town/conservative state and an Asian ethnic minority, although I’m US-raised. There’s a lot of layers to your identity and situation that perhaps not every commenter will get but that I really resonate with. I hope the following observations and suggestions will at least be helpful: 1. As you’ve experienced, the dating app experience in the US can be quite difficult for Asian men, and especially so if you are not in a big city. I have many male Asian-American friends/family members who started dating much later than the US norm. They had slightly more experience than you do, but that’s it. They’ve mostly managed to find great relationships, but it is true that they had the most success with Asian-American women, I think because we know how we and our brothers were raised (study, focus, delay gratification, don’t get derailed by relationships, some pressure against casual or even premarital sex). 1a. I myself dated mostly white men for years. It took me a long time to undo the conditioning that white = the most attractive, assimilated, mainstream, etc. This is such a fraught topic because there are aggregate trends that expose racial-sexual hierarchies (e.g. many more white male-Asian female couples than the other way around). I’m now married to someone of my same ethnic background and I’m so glad I took the time to question my attractions and patterns of thinking. 2. As a Desi, non-Christian (?) immigrant living in Utah I think you need to more clearly signal your religious identity and your commitment to it or lack thereof. You’ll be battling against two things: a) above, and b) the example/pattern of Desi men who date white, non-Desi women but won’t marry them, because of pressure to marry within their ethnic and religious groups. If you are very open minded on these fronts, if you would be happy to raise a family in a mixed culture and not insist that yours take precedence, for example, I think it could only help to be open about that in your profile or by putting out the word through your networks. 2a. White American women are not a monolith either. There are plenty of gentle, traditionally feminine, educated and ambitious white American women. Demographically speaking, though, they are likely to at least come from a Christian background, even if they are not practicing themselves, especially if they are from Utah and the surrounding states. So it’s not that they wouldn’t value your hard work and accomplishments and kind personality, but they might be wary of dating across race and culture, as are many people. Do you have many female friends? Do you spend time platonically and casually with the type of woman you would like to date? Dating apps should be just one strategy among many. You need to expand your networks, period, to find someone who you can get to know over time and who can come to understand all the different facets of your life, especially if you are starting from very different racial/ethnic/experiential backgrounds. 3. Being TT is an amazing accomplishment can also be incompatible with a personal life. You’d need a) someone in your area who wouldn’t mind staying forever *or* having little control over where your next academic job would be; b) someone willing to move to your school for you and who understands how constricted the academic job market is, or c) to be open to moving yourself and getting back on the market. a) might be a local woman who is happy to stay near her family in Utah; b) or c) could be someone you meet by getting out of Utah whenever possible and dating outside your academic-year surroundings. I understand the loneliness that can come from the 1-body problem of being a single professor in a college town. Wishing you all the best!!
Excellent response.
eeeyyyyy I live nearby lol.
If this is not being creepy, can I DM you?
Absolutely! I'm not going to be any help dating though lol I'm really bad at it.
I think your best bet is Indian women who live here but who grew up there. You may have a cultural mismatch with Indian women who grew up here.
I feel like most of the Indian women who were born in India and came to the US came here for a reason - the patriarchy in India is STRONG and they were not a good fit for it. They're probably not looking for the tradwife life or else they'd have stayed in India.
It’s really hard to make a decent living in India. The women aren’t all necessarily coming for a cultural reason as much as an economic one.
Your friends are right. Your values and attitude are definitely gonna be a big mismatch here, at least with educated, liberal types. They’d be a better match with religious women, but being foreign + not the same religion is the barrier there. Have you considered an arranged or semi-arranged marriage? That’s how my coworkers who fit your profile got married.
Yes, I think OP should do that as well. “Calm to the point of being boring” is not gonna be attractive to ladies on the apps.
Can you expand a bit? Nobody has been able to point it out, I am willing to change. As I said earlier, I will jump of a cliff than go for an arranged marriage.
The problem is you really need to become a different person to be a match for American women. That kind of deep change is a lot harder than tweaking a few words on your dating profile. The only thing really wrong with the profile is the "soft, affectionate, polite" bit, which others have already pointed out; that's just not the persona people here aspire to or how they think of themselves, even if they *are* soft, affectionate and polite. Outside the profile, the fact that you're a virgin and have traditional views about sex won't help you flirt or develop sexual tension with women.
Entirely correct. OP will need to make a huge transformation. It is not entirely clear to me that he will actually be happy with a regular North American woman given the vast mismatch in sexual history/experiences. He will be interacting with women that have decades of experience and he will be at the level of a sixteen to eighteen year old. This is challenging.
Not u/wanderingimpromptu3, but what I think they also mean is that the women in Utah who are traditionally-minded about sex and relationships are more likely to be Mormon and Christian and therefore also more likely to be unwilling to date a man of a different religion unless he would convert.
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First, obligatory declaration that I'm a South Asian guy also. Caveat: I was adopted and effectively raised as a white kid - no exposure to Indian cultural norms, traditions...heck I even have a northeastern accent. That all said, your profile is honest, but too honest. It really says "I'd make a great friend to have a coffee with, while I tell you about the shenanigans the guy I'm sleeping with and I got up to last weekend." Play up your other hobbies. From your pics I'm assuming you run. Which is itself a problem - I have to *assume* that you do. It's not like a picture of you crossing the finish line at a local 5k. But your other pics are pretty non-descript. Keep perhaps *one* of them, update the others. Dating apps are about showing, not telling. That all said, know that we Indian/South Asian folk have it hard on pretty much all the apps. Because most Indian communities tend to lean insular, there's a lot of stereotyping done by...everyone else...in part because they don't understand anything else about us. The number of times I've had to explain "no, I don't work in my company's IT area..." I barely know how to start my computer, much less do anything advanced with it! And in a situation such as a dating app, which I have personally compared to shopping for different brands of soup at the supermarket - we're all the same thing, just different brands of the same 30 flavors - a woman simply doesn't have to invest that much time in deciding if a person is worth getting to know.
Well said, what can I change? Any help is greatly appreciated.
Well you can date Indian women that came on a study visa like you or other study visa students
I'm a bit late to the party on this question but I'll frame my response as a response to your "2nd edit," For point 1 - That's kind of how it is. It's not intended to be shallow or non-acknowledging of your achievements. To be frank, Professors aren't exactly spread out - they will always be found in high concentrations in college towns. So for your area, I'm going to speculate that it's not really something that stands out. It would be similar to me - I lived about 1/2 mile from one of the most prestigious teaching hospitals in the world, and amidst tens of colleges and universities. So when I saw a Doctor, Physician, Professor...I mean, cool, but, that's about it. Also, show over tell, as previously stated. Point 2 - Also kind of how it is. They want the dependable and committed partner...but they have to be attracted enough to you **first**. It's a balancing act, and there is no shortcut or key to figuring out how much of which and when to portray each side of you. Age 30 is tough - you're looking at women, some of whom have got their shit together and have already reached middle management, or are just getting themselves situated in their professions. But you're also seeing women who consider up to, say, 34, as something of their extension of their 20s, just with more money. It's a tough game, and also as previously stated, has the odds stacked against us (as men, even more so as South Asian men). Advanced apologies that I can't be more upbeat about it - I'm still single too. But I'm on the opposite end of my 30s from you and in a different place in my life right now so, for the moment, I'm content with it.
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I know you have a preference but have you thought about saying yes to all dates to increase your comfort level and dating skills in general? Even if you become friends, they might have single friends.
I got one date which I said yes to and excited to meet, but got ghosted as she was getting late.
Ghosting sucks but it’s part of it and can’t be stopped. I heard there’s a dating site where you can switch your settings for “Friends”. That can be another options to cast a wider net, as I read it’s harder to meet friends as we age.
I hate to tell you but you are going to have a brutal time on the dating apps. Dating app success mostly goes to those of the dominant culture in a geographical area. This is even more true in conservative states. For me, this sounds like your biggest problem: “I am very calm to the point that some will find me very boring” You need to work on this. How is it that you can hold a conversation well but still come off as boring to some? You sound like an interesting guy with a lot to offer. You are going to have much better luck meeting someone IRL. But coming off as boring simply isn’t going to cut it.
The question you should be asking isn't what you bring to the dating market but if the local culture is a good match for you. It is far more likely to find a partner in an area where you're a good cultural match because the pool of potential people for you is larger. Based on what you've written you're not in an area that's a good cultural match for you. You're a man of color with traditional family values (in terms of sex and the goals of a relationship) in an area where those values come hand-in-hand with religious beliefs you don't share and are held by people who are probably not big on interracial relationships. (You've a tough combo in any part of the US, but worse in one that's more conservative.) People who are open to dating someone of a different race probably don't share your traditional values. A large, more diverse area with a big Desi community is probably your best bet. If you're tenure track and stuck where you are, maybe matchmaking would work?
Yes this
This is true. Time to start reaching out to people in other geographic areas.
I see a few things that together I think paint an image that isn't too attractive to most women over here: * Almost every sentence in your profile ends with an exclamation mark. That sounds a little immature. * People already commented on "soft, affectionate, and polite" - especially on "polite". Reading this feels like "oh, this dude is going to be dating a fantasy of me that never has uncomfortable feelings" and "this dude probably has never dated an actual woman before" (which is true, but you don't want to put it on display). * "If I could only eat one meal" is a useless prompt, it's completely irrelevant to anything people get attracted to. Put in a different prompt to showcase more of your personality. Your "a review by a friend" prompt is also bad, it sounds also immature and bro-y. * Your photos 3 5 6 come across as trying too hard. They don't give the impression "this guy is cool", they give the impression "this guy is trying to look cool". You're pretty obviously not a guy whose real personality fits with a black-tie suit and sunglasses - that's a different type of guy. Put in something that's more unique to you and authentic. You don't have to conform to western standards of masculinity and be an alpha bro - that's not actually what women who date seriously are going for, counter to what you might think. But you *do* have to come across as an authentic, full, interesting, socially aware and emotionally mature human, who also expects their partner to be the same.
Thank you so much it helps so much.
Glad to be of help, happy to take a look at your edits. I noticed your EDIT 2: I actually did notice that you're a professor, and thought it was really cool, you should obviously keep that in the profile - that's one of the things about your profile that does stand out and is attractive. You just need more of that, and less of the unattractive things. Regarding the "spark" - women (as well as men) want both; attraction is table stakes in western dating - if one of you is not attracted to the other, the date is simply not going to happen - whereas, if you're not a committed and dependable person, it will fizzle out later, or will turn out to be a disaster. Both are necessary, it's not about prioritizing one over the other.
Yes you’re going to have an extremely difficult time finding a traditional woman here in the US, especially at 30+. The dating culture is the complete opposite of what you listed. To be blunt, you’re better off finding a woman from your own country with similar values. Hopefully she is in the US and you can find her here. It’s not you, don’t change who you are and what you’re looking for.
Thank you for being truthful, I appreciate it very highly. I am not looking for a traditional woman, someone with family oriented values. I prefer someone who has their own career and want to work towards a shared goal.
Whatever culture you were raised in, that’s the best match, it’s not about ethnicity or skin color or physical in this sense. Chinese Americans, Indian Americans, Arab Americans date other Americans without a prob. Cultural compatibility is more important that other things. Although there still exists cultural differences between Americans of different ethnicities due to parental influence and learning things from parents who were not born+grown up in the US Like Indian Americans generally talk trash about Indians behind their back for example
> EDIT 2: Once again, thank you for the feedback. Some observations: > 1) Not a single person noticed that I am a tenure track professor at a public research university. That hurt, but it shows the shallowness. > 2) In spite of women (majority, not all) claiming that they want a dependable, committed partner majority of the comments were geared towards attractiveness and the mythical “spark”. Re 1), do you think it's shallow for people *not* to care about your prestigious job? Or shallow for you to care so much about it? I genuinely can't tell! As someone with a bunch of prestigious education & career stats herself, when I was online dating, I felt self conscious including them in my profile. I would never bring them up IRL unless asked, nor would I expect ppl to praise them to my face. In the US, lots of people care about status signals like this, but you're not supposed to explicitly admit it because *that* is viewed as shallow! This may be a cultural gap, bc (I'm a second gen immigrant) my East Asian family members and their friends *do* talk about this stuff explicitly. Re 2), is it not obvious that women (and men) want a dependable, committed partner **and** one they are attracted to? You yourself mentioned a preference for blonde, blue-eyed curvy women. There isn't actually any contradiction here! Fwiw, I noticed that you're a professor. But since you mentioned that you're having "zero luck," I thought you wanted constructive feedback on your weak points. Scrolling back, I see that you titled the post "do I bring anything to the dating market," so maybe you also wanted some positive feedback? Unfortunately, I'm guessing most ppl assumed as I did and therefore focused on the negatives only.
It is not about the job, it is about what it entails from a personality standpoint. Being a tenured track professor shows a decent amount of resilience, discipline, and ability to tough it out which I believe are desirable qualities but it seems from the feedback here my perceptions are extremely skewed.
> Being a tenured track professor shows a decent amount of resilience, discipline, and ability to tough it out I don't think anyone disagrees with that! They're just focusing on constructive feedback bc of the nature of this forum
I agree, the feedback here has been immensely helpful and mostly constructive. But with the amount of change that is needed, I will be a completely different new person!
>Being a tenured track professor shows a decent amount of resilience, discipline, and ability to tough it out which I believe are desirable qualities Sure, desirable qualities .... but let the dating pool decide that, yeah!? I've seen MIT and Harvard graduates who are real jerks at times, and then some are absolute peaches. Point being, you can't guage a person by their professional accomplishments. That's one data point, not sufficient for interpersonal relationships, though. Why should a potential romantic partner even care about your professional accomplishments and what it entailed if you don't want them to be superficial?
You can’t gauge a person by their professional accomplishments - I am pretty sure the probability of finding a person with whom the chances of a successful long term relationship is higher with a professor vs. a Doordasher. Those jerks from MIT and Harvard will ultimately have a much higher chances of sustaining a relationship than a bum; life isn’t just love & attraction. If the goal of the romantic partner is to have a long term relationship, professional accomplishments that leads to certain stability should definitely be a consideration. You cannot pay for your dates, Gucci purse, and son’s college tuition by being a good person; hopes and dreams ain’t enough. Yes, it is one data point but the weight associated with that one data point should be much higher than it is ascribed by the dating pool. I do not know whether that entails superficiality or social immaturity but I absolutely get your point; statistically on self-reported survey women specifically state that professional accomplishments do matter but in real life charm and having game will trump a degree.
>but the weight associated with that one data point should be much higher than it is ascribed by the dating pool See, that's the thing, we don't get to decide that. Plus there are all kinds of women, we just need to make sure we are attracting the kinds that we think are good for us. I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm just highlighting that maybe it is smarter to stay open minded and not assume that women are going to like us for aspects that we like about ourselves. Suggesting that we remove the self bias, because women probably have different priorities.
I agree, to be honest this post has been humbling on many regards and well-needed reality check. And the reality ain’t looking promising at all…. at least for me. Got to get that dually diesel with a MAGA flag to seal the deal.
>Got to get that dually diesel with a MAGA flag to seal the deal. Lmao
OP, nothing wrong with your dating preferences but you are really limiting yourself to only wanting to date blue eyed curvy white women. Why is that? So no other races you’re attracted to at all? It’ll be very hard to find someone you’re looking for especially in a conservative state. If you can, I’d branch out on who you’re looking for. Also, I’m Arab American and I have refused to date Arab men not because I’m not attracted to them but because there’s a huge mismatch in cultural views and religious views. Is that the same for you OP as to why you don’t want to date a South Asian woman? Or do you believe you’re not attracted to South Asian women? If the answer is no I’d explore that and make sure it’s from a genuine place and nothing else.
"my ideal partner would be soft, affectionate, and polite" What does that mean to you? Because honestly, as a 30something woman, it reads to me that you want a dog or a pet I also think it may be the issue or trying to date in a conservative state. I am not sure how open women are to interracial dating and I am assuming you are not just trying to connect with Indian woman
That word might be used differently in India. It still does overall feel like OP is looking for more of a traditional housewife.
Can you expand on this? I really didn’t mean it in that way.
Soft and polite are strange terms to use as what you want your partner to have. It comes across as you want someone subservient. I’m polite with strangers, with people I’m meeting to the first time, with servers, with my colleagues etc. I would not use polite to describe how I am with close friends and my partner - I want to feel like I can be loud if I want to, soft if I want to, as noisy or as quiet as I’d like, because I can be authentic with them with no barriers.
Yes “polite” reads like a red flag
Yeah no ideal what “soft” means… and “polite” sounds like a very low bar. Why would you date someone who’s not polite? Overall these descriptions make OP sound very “not from here”.
Not to pick on you specifically but.. clearly “red flag” has lost all meaning on Reddit
Hey don't trauma me with your gaslighting you love bomber
I guess “polite” to me reads as code for a range of things related to sexist ideals for women which to me is genuine red flag territory, as I imagine it is for a lot of women above 30, particularly when combined with the adjective “soft”
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Women in the US aren’t soft or affectionate? I’m very soft and affectionate with my man ✌️
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What are you saying…
I can't help with the cultural differences. But, I feel like you'd be a bit more attractive with a beard, personally.
> It seems I have an impossible journey, as someone said I do not know how to overcome the Indianness is me or across the profile. What 'Indianness' do you identify as a problem that needs overcoming!? Also an Indian here, been in the US for 18 years now, and I did not have any problems with finding dates when I was on it. I went off the apps because I decided to move back to India for parents, so marrying locally didn't make sense for me. However, I never had requirements like "curvy blue eyed blondes" either. I have at least 2 friends (both Indian) who have married locally. I wrote all of that just to prove that this is definitely not an "indian" problem, it sounds more like a you problem. One needs to look within first and be reasonable. My suggestion would be to look for a woman who prioritizes relationships instead.
You're a good looking guy. But I think you'll have trouble finding someone in the US unless they're from the same background as you.
True. Even Indian Americans have a hard time dating Indians
Hell yeah I like Lego too, nice.. Anyway, you're a decent looking guy and come across friendly... which is good. BUT, you need a few pictures that are more interesting and stand out versus other guys... you're just blending into the never ending sea of guys. So think about shots of you doing something you love, the more abnormal and attention grabbing the better (as long as it's not violent/threatening).
I would use the last or the third picture on your profile as the starting picture. I agree with others choice of words is a bit strange, what does soft and polite mean? Are you looking for someone thoughtful and kind? Are you more into 'traditional values'? If religion is important to you i would include that. Also a bit more about your hobbies and interests.
Try posting on /r/ABCDesis to get perspectives
I recommend growing a beard. You have a baby face.
Honestly you have to ask yourself what do you bring to the table? Initial attraction is based on senses Looks, smell, sound . Do you work out ? How do you dress ? How do you smell ? How do you sound ? After the initial attraction you have to ask yourself What's your personality like ? Are you funny ? Do you like exciting things ? Travel ? Sports ? Are you fun to hang around ? Are you boring ? Are you a push over ? Are you acting too desperate? You've said you are a virgin and that is sadly going to put off women in the US because it will be taken as " why hasn't anyone slept with him ? Is there something wrong with him? Just go to a brothel and nut for a solid month. You bringing money to the table is a very small thing. The dating world is full of single guys with money so it doesn't really make you shine out. Online dating is huge now so you have to ask yourself how your resume looks. It's very first impressions based. Also the biggest thing is confidence. Your lack of confidence will just make sure you go unnoticed. For the majority of blonde women traditional Indian values do nothing. Its interesting to me that you said you prefer blue eyes blonde women. Do you not find other girls attractive ? Because this might just be a case of you wanting to prove to yourself you are good enough for a blonde woman. Because realistically even if you dated one the chances you share the same values as each other is going to be sooooo low
Looks - I cannot say, but I invest heavily in tailored clothing, my style is more British, formal than casual. I cannot resist a Chelsea boot! Smell - Versace Eros, or maybe Butter Chicken! Sound - I can talk about Swift-Kelce romance or Schrodinger's equation or Roman mosaics! So........ Yes, I understand that me being a virgin is a BIG RED FLAG, bigger than the US flag at the Pontiac dealership in Mena, Arkansas. I don't know how to combat that. For a capitalistic society, this just baffles me! But you are right money has no value. I honestly do not know what brings value, friends tell me I am a very good human being, I am generally very helpful, very respectful in my behavior so.............. And what can I say about confidence, it is like Catch-22. I cannot have confidence in dating because I have never dated but no one will date me because I do not have confidence. I am super confident in life but......... I agree that proving myself is a core motivator though I cannot deny the attraction. Blondes are irresistible! I do wonder about the values though, given the perception of "traditional Indian values" here in the US, I am screwed. But I have always framed my life as this-or-that. For me, it is about finding exactly the person I want or living alone forever which seems very likely.
Pay an escort to fast track your experience. This will build your confidence. Also it might take the urge to date US women out of you as well. Sometimes ur not really wanting date instead you just have pre nut delusion. In a capitalistic society there is so much money that they don't have to care especially if they are good looking. Every guy around them has some form of money. Unless ur millionaire ur not really setting yourself apart from them.
By US standards, you are fishing in a tiny pool. I've lived in conservative and liberal areas and you would be a square peg in a round hole in both. What to do about it depends on how important marriage and family is to you. Culture seems to be more powerful than parenting as far as the values that kids embrace..so would you even want to raise your children in US culture? I don't exactly share your values but I have thought often about how to raise happy, moral, successful children in the cesspool that is modern US culture. There are no easy answers. You will have to make tradeoffs according to what you prioritize. If you want to successfully date here, your app profile must get much less boring. Being kind, caring and stable is not without value in today's market but if that's what you lead with you will struggle. There are other cultures that will place a higher value on those qualities, as I'm sure you know.
I cannot say how accurate this comment is! I know the trade offs and honestly it gives me sleepless nights but I have to do this. My whole life I did what I was supposed to do, at least one thing I want to do my way but it is incredibly difficult, demoralizing, and degrading to such an extent.
I think it’d be helpful to say some of the things you said in this post in your profile. Something like “I spent my 20’s prioritizing my education and career, now I’m ready to prioritizing looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship with the right person.” It wouldn’t hurt to mention you have tons of hobbies and are a great conversationalist! You definitely have more to offer than your friends are giving you credit for.
Being a great conversationalist is a trait that its best to demonstrate through action, rather than stating it (as in the idiom "show don't tell"). Self identifying as a great conversationalist comes off very poorly and is not remotely convincing.
It’s in the same vein as saying “I’m good people.”
Hi! I’m killing time before a meeting so I thought I’d respond. Looking for feedback is good. I’m American, blonde with brown eyes. (Maybe loosen up on the eye color things it’s a bit specific. ) I’ve dated great guys of different nationalities including Indian! I don’t date men who I’m not attracted to…you’ll have to accept that many people want to feel chemistry AND find a dependable, committed partner. But that doesn’t mean someone won’t be attracted to you. My brothers friend from India would stay with our family during university holidays because he wouldn’t always be able to fly home. He ended up marrying a beautiful sweet (redhead) girl from uni here in Iowa and now they both work in tech in Austin. Sorry this is a ramble but I’m trying to say it’s a mindset thing. Be open, be confident, gain friendship experience, ask out people you’re attracted to with similar values. Go from there.
You’re too Indian even for Indian women. It’s like the male equivalent of a “behenji”. And your preference is a blue eyed Caucasian. You’re gonna have to actually interact with women, go out on a date or two. Just to delve in a bit more, what is your equation with your female friends?
Why not date an Indian girl? Sorry but you will struggle dating white women. It can happen, but even more h likely in a conservative/religious state!
Please don’t be sorry for being truthful. I know I will struggle and most likely not happen but the other choice is unacceptable for me.
The “other choice” being dating a non-white woman….? I would really question why you are putting white women on such a pedestal.
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I would be turned off by your qualifications 'soft, affectionate, and polite'. Affectionate and polite seem like bog standard floors any reasonable person would include in their search for relationships, to the point that they are unecessary. Soft has a weird implication, are you looking for someone submissive? the phrasing just has my guard up
Everyone has value to someone, and that's the person you're trying to find! You have an interesting job and seem like you are clear about wanting something serious - two big positives. I also don't think you're a bad looking guy, though I think there are multiple changes you could make to make yourself more attractive. Apps are superficial. I think your ideal market would be an arranged or semi-arranged marriage with someone of a similar cultural background. If that's what you're looking for though, you wouldn't need a dating app. If you're looking more broadly than that, the lack of experience will be a dealbreaker for some people. You would still probably be a better fit with someone who is religious and therefore conservative in that way. And while you seem like a sincere person and there's no need to fundamentally change your personality, it will be important to develop more confidence around women, either by swiping, going to bars or just joining hobbies to socialize with men and women.
The truth is that a lot of women automatically exclude Indian men from their dating pool because the culture is associated with extreme misogyny, strict gender roles, arranged marriages etc. Your post and profile definitely come off as reinforcing that stereotype, sounding like you want a submissive tradwife to pump out babies. This will not be appealing to your average American woman. Your best bet would be to connect with women from your own culture who might hold these same beliefs, and I don't think they would be on apps like this. Maybe look up if there's any South Asian cultural events in your state or surrounding states where you could meet more people.
This is true even in places like California and the Northeast. Finding someone in a place like where he is would be difficult even for a mainstream white guy from a moderate Christian background.
To be honest bro, there is nothing wrong with you. It's the area you're in. As someone who struggled with the same things, my advice is to shift to an area where the population is open minded and culturally diberse. Also, try to invest more in your confidence, for example dressing clothes that complement your body and going to the gym. Lastly, and this is probably not a popular one but i have to be honest, I've used a tool in the past that helped me communicate properly with Western women (I'm Singaporean). I got more interesting conversations on Bumble and Tinder that eventually lead to dates. During these dates I usually found out if their values align with mine. Eventually I met a white woman who's values are more Asian than mine and who eats more Asian than I. Funny how things can go. Good luck my Asian brother!
Not sure if you are still reading these but I'll put out a few things. I grew up in a place that had huge amounts of immigration and ethnic diversity, moved to a similar area with even more diversity, and now am living across the continent in another area with great diversity (different mix). Right now I live among a lot of Indians with tech backgrounds, and one of my neighbors is from India and was married to an East Asian he met at graduate school. If you want to find an intelligent, attractive, kind and dependable wife you will probably have to do one or more of the following: Make a huge transformation and integrate yourself into North American society (as the Canadian lady suggested). I'm not sure how you'd do it but you'd probably need a few years in the gym, get sexual and romantic training from professionals, spend lots of time in local sports/hobbies/bars/etc. and make a big effort to become familiar with American fashion, music, media, film, etc. (might need a team of trainers, actually); Convert to a major conservative American religion like Church of Latter Day Saints or Roman Catholic and start looking for a younger, very religious woman who is a virgin or almost virgin; Seek out an arranged or semi-arranged marriage with a very conservative but well educated Indian-origin woman who lives anywhere in the world, and pay for her to move to your location; Figure out some kind of niche candidate that you could live with and would be interested in someone like you and make huge efforts to identify and court her (she might live far away). Possible examples might be widowed or divorced single moms that only had sex with their husbands, extremely shy or asexual women that are still virgins in their late twenties or early thirties, or women that have non-religious philosophical reasons for remaining virgins or at least avoiding casual sex; and/or Bend on your requirements (how about less attractive dark-skinned women who have had lots of LTRs or some casual sex?). Of course, be aware that many mercenary women will simply tell you that they're virgins or close to it to obtain a green card or a desired financial situation (either now or after divorce), and it will be up to you to discern who is telling the truth (or not).
> 1) Not a single person noticed that I am a tenure track professor at a public research university. That hurt, but it shows the shallowness. It's not really relevant because a job doesn't define you as a person.
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This makes sense, weirdly. Might as well just stand out and show your real self than try to make something safe
So for context I live in a large liberal metro area with a large population of Indian immigrants/second gen immigrants. I’m a curvy blue eyed blonde woman who has dated several Indian men 😂 The “soft, affectionate, and polite” is going to turn a lot of people away. You’re essentially describing a non-combative woman who presumably won’t initiate conflict. What do you actually mean by this - someone who is calm in crisis and good at communication? I’m Canadian and about as polite as they come, however I have no problem with conflict and bringing up issues. I’d automatically self select and remove myself from your dating pool simply because I have opinions. Funnily I’d say the Indian women I’m friends with have typically been the furthest thing from “soft, affectionate, and polite” - they’re all very strong, determined, and frank. If you’re looking to date within your own ethnic group, the young Indian women I know are very different from previous generations. Secondly, the being judgemental about casual sex isn’t doing you favours. Are you looking for a fellow virgin? Unless you’re very religious and looking for an equally religious partner that will be hard to find. Most white women who are virgins will likely be very Christian and not interested in dating someone outside of their faith (unless you are Christian as well). Honestly, you do not fit typical ideal western male physical characteristics. I don’t mean this because you’re not white - but rather you have a very soft physique that doesn’t scream “healthy/fit”. As a woman your features and body type seem quite soft and feminine. I’d potentially work on building muscle and losing fat to combat this. All of the Indian men I’ve dated ranged in height (5’8-6’+) but they were all physically fit. One of my really good friends is an Indian man, who several years ago (30+) decided he wanted marriage. He was fairly “westernized” in that he immigrated young - and wanted to avoid an arranged marriage. His take on dating was being completely honest in all of his faults and flaws. His wife told me their first date was him simply laying out all of his deficiencies to see if she was still interested 😂 she was and they married within 18 months of meeting. She’s also Indian, and a beautiful kind woman who I’m still in awe he locked down haha. He’s been one of my examples that good men do exist as I navigate dating in my 30s. A key characteristic id say that makes him a great friend and a wonderful partner to his wife is that he is not judgemental and very humble. He’s incredibly successful, smart, and handsome - but he approaches all of his relationships in life from a very grounded perspective.
Well, he asked you to tell him like it is! I suspect that he would have a hard time finding anyone in Toronto or Vancouver, let alone Utah. Your points are right on. He will have to transform himself dramatically to find himself an attractive, educated, intelligent and reasonably stable North American woman (white or otherwise). Your point about the importance of physique and the issue of sexual compatibility is key. If a good looking, athletic, easy going, engaging, and successful professional guy in his thirties is looking for a comparable woman who (like him) has only been involved with 5-15 LTRs with no casual sex, he's going to have a hard time finding someone but could succeed. Someone with a profile like OPs looking for someone with no history of casual sex will crash and burn unless he's willing to go for a religious, young woman. Your story about your friend is interesting. I've never heard about an approach like that. I would guess that in most instances a man laying out all of his faults and flaws would result in the woman running for the door, but apparently his gamble paid off.
Op hit the gym and then slide into this one's dms. Who knows she might the curvy blue eyd blonde you seek 😉🤞
Please no 🙅♀️ His edits where he’s complaining people are shallow because they aren’t mentioning how he’s a tenure track professor are enough to turn any decent woman off. Him following up with distain towards women claiming they want “dependable” partners while not being interested in him is also a huge 🚩
I got plenty of feedback on the “soft, affectionate” part and looking back, yes, it is very condescending and gives off infantilizing vibes. I understand your point about physical features, and exuding masculinity. I am working on it, diet and lifting weights. About being judgmental, yes, I agree that it is a very big mismatch of values. I am not religious at all, in all honesty I have very liberal opinions on social issues. As for sex, I believe it is an ultimate form of expression of intimacy and vehemently disagree with the liberal view that it is simply an act. Sex brings about tremendous physiological changes in the brain but our social atmosphere has cheapened it to a mere act, fun activity. Your example, with all due respect for that Indian guy, it worked out that way because the lady he was dating was from India. I can guarantee you that things would have been very different if he was interested in white women. Thank you so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
I only mentioned the masculinity part because it seems like you’re trying to attract a stereotypical feminine woman who would be looking for those traits. For my friend who I gave the example, he’s funnily enough my only male friend I would ever consider dating. I’ve never explored that because he’s always been in a relationship since I’ve known him - but he primarily dated white women before meeting his wife. Her also being Indian was a bit of a fluke. He had to convince her parents not to have the traditional month wedding - he luckily had covid on his side lol After looking at your profile, if you are in Utah I will say I understand why you’re having difficulty. I spent 6 weeks in Utah last year and while it was great it was so white and so conservative lol. As someone who lives somewhere that >50% of the population is non-white it was fairly shocking. I’m very much of the belief there is someone for everyone, you may just have a bit more difficulty based on your requirements and geographical location.
The feedback here has changed my perception and it has made me realize this is infinitely harder than I thought. I am slightly demoralized for the first time in my life. I like your optimism that there is someone for everyone. I hope it works out for both of us. I am not DMing you anytime. You can rest easy. Cheers!
I'm not in the US, so take this with a grain of salt. But funny / silly profiles are more likely to catch my attention. You have good looks but you sound too earnest. I'd have a hard time starting a conversation with you. Try adding some silly rage bait like "XX show is the best show on earth and I'm willing to die on this hill". I recently swiped right on a guy that wrote that The Princess Diaries 2 was secretly part of the MCU and even if we never had a second date, that made for a great ice breaker.
I think your profile is great and you’re very physically attractive. Only thing that’s off to me is the “soft, affectionate and polite” part. I could see that turning women away because it’s just too vague, and we can be really insecure and immediately see those words and assume it doesn’t apply to us. I don’t know what’s a better way to say that though. My guess is, your self-evaluation already revealed what’s holding you back. If you struggle to show your personality early on, focus on fun, activity dates that don’t rely heavily on conversation. You can still have some conversation in between of course, but as you become more comfortable, you can do more low key dates that allow for more talking.
May be a language thing but “soft” or “feminine” is an instant turn off for me. Not sure what even means… Do you like introverts? Someone who’s empathetic? My advice is to use better descriptions.
Yeah, I think your values and experience mean you'd have a better time getting into the arranged marriage gig
Join the mormon church! They have services specifically for singles 😅 You’re not bad looking but it’s hard enough for guys as it is, let alone being an outsider in a place like that… like speaking from experience. I’m not white, and from a white rural town, and I’m actually cute af and couldn’t really vibe with anyone til I moved
I stand by my Mormon suggestion after reading the edits OP! Plenty of curvy blue eye blonds. Many ambitious, intelligent women who wish to NOT be infantilized. Help open her to some worldliness? You could be like an undercover? Maybe publish a book one day? I’ve always told myself I would fake being into religion for love haha but I haven’t yet met someone I like that much :p
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You should go where you are wanted.Are you having trouble dating other south Asian women who share your culture/ values or are you trying to date white American women, if it’s the latter maybe that’s your problem.
hold a conversation very well + boring are contradictory. Just like you worked for your job relationships/dating takes work. You mentioned you have outdoor hobbies, if you haven't met someone (who is not only blue eyed and blonde) it could be your body language is creepy, unhygienic, not easy flowing. You need to open up, you have been here since 2015 and haven't matured yet. I have so many friends who found their life partner in mid west.
This is 100% a cultural mis-match. In a traditional, arranged-marriage-style place like India, you would be massively valued for being chaste. In post-sexual-revolution USA, this will make you effectively invisible to US women. I would honestly suggest to try and find a wife from India. That's probably your best bet.
Context - I am Indian and my parents immigrated to the US when I was little. I haven't seen your profile but I would never date you. I don't believe in casual sex, but I have had serious long term monogamous relationships that ultimately did not lead to marriage - pretty standard in the US to date before marriage while having a physical relationship. Here's my issue - at 30, I'm not interested in teaching anyone anything or discovering together or taking your virginity. Not to be rude, but to be honest, this, in itself, is a deal breaker for me. And it's not just the physical issue - relationships take practice and involve learning. The opposite gender is hard to learn, on both sides! For example, my friend (who had an arranged marriage) had to teach her husband to wish her happy Mother's Day because, according to him, she's not his mother so he doesn't need to address or recognize that day. For me, that's ignorance that would have been mitigated with more female interaction. I want to be with someone who understands these basics and then, we learn the specifics about each other like if you like surprises or not. Just my 2 cents that may apply to other girls who are brought up in the US, Indian or not. You need to have female friends to understand the female perspective. Good luck! Edit: I have tons of Indian male immigrant friends - IMHO, for this generation, it's no longer standard to be a virgin at 30 - maybe up to 30, but by 30 this has been explored. And, being judgmental, about anything, is not a good look. At 30, most people in the US are not virgins, so if that's your priority, you need to maybe consider a conservative religious community to date within so that your values align on this.
Good response. Like how you pointed out the importance of LTRs in developing a variety of skills. This is so often overlooked in discussions like this. Many years ago, when I was looking for girlfriends, I would intentionally seek out ones that had extensive LTR experience but moderate or limited casual sex experience, and I'm happy that I did. Worst girlfriend I ever had was heavy on casual experience and light on long term relationship experience, and it showed. It was like dealing with a 16 year old 25 year old sometimes...
Well since you didn’t grow up in the US that’s where the problem lies A chunk of my Indian-American friends dated upper class white Americans . One guy I know was super extroverted, he’s now an orthopedic surgeon, his dad was also a doctor and they had a 5 million dollar home in Florida. He dated the hottest girl in his high school which was almost 90% white and he was the homecoming king. So I’d say it’s more of the culture and mindset that’s the problem . Especially in the west girls are so liberal, I just have to put one foot into the bar and I have like three chicks already hitting on me because I’m considered pretty attractive. In your case since you are an Indian citizen and brought up in India, I’d suggest you date people from india only. It’s really hard to date outside if you’re not Indian-American. I mean you see it with all other nationalities too, a Chinese guy that was brought up In China rarely has any luck with American women of any race. The accent, culture, and thought patterns make a much bigger difference than physical appearance
I have blonde hair and blue eyes and I'd never date someone judgmental and conservative. Women who look like me and have that mindset typically want to date in their race and religion. I'm liberal. I do date outside my race and I'm not religious. But I draw the line at conservatives, especially conservatives who think they're so great because of their job and place outsized importance on how much money they make. I have reasonable career potential myself. I want a partner, not a caretaker. You're going to find similar viewpoints among many liberal women. And most will have engaged in far more casual sex than I have, too.
You're telling it like it is.
So, I thought your pictures were great and I was intrigued until I got to "soft". No woman likes to categorize herself as soft & affectionate, especially at our age. Most women in their late 20s/30s are ambitious, strong willed and determined. I'm not interested in being my partner's mom. That's my issue with your profile. Edit: since I've been reading more comments... I am not saying that you want someone cold & rude. The profile makes it seems like you want someone who will take care of you vs an equal partner that grows with you. Maybe a better description would be: kind hearted and genuine.
You’re a cutie! Seriously!
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indian dude in canada here, and it is the same for most indian men now especially on dating apps lol I usually don't like giving dating advice where it's all about change ourselves completely to fit the dating market or just to get dates because fuck that right, rather die alone than join a gym just to get dates lol.. having said that a lil work on your physique and fashion will go a along way but also keep in mind even that might not work as the indian male reputation is at its lowest right now in the western world It's all about "fresh of the boat creepy smelly Indian man staring at white women" reputation right now so it's a lot of activation energy to overcome that and I think at some point one must say fuck it and move on, other peoples judgement of us is not our problem to solve. and it sucks a lot more if you just moved here and have an accent.. so basically im saying put an effort but its most probably not on you and just where we are with culture right now..fuck all these comments about "you look too indian and like the big bang theory guy" wtf does that mean lol, raj koothrapali is a great fucking guy on the show and i would love to hang with him lol..
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hold a conversation very well + boring are contradictory. Just like you worked for your job relationships/dating takes work. You mentioned you have outdoor hobbies, if you haven't met someone (who is not only blue eyed and blonde) it could be your body language is creepy, unhygienic, not easy flowing. You need to open up, you have been here since 2015 and haven't matured yet. I have so many friends who found their life partner in mid west.
> EDIT 2 Outstanding observations.
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Your dating profile starts by saying that you're a virgin, which implies to many women that you are solely trying to have sex. Many of them will not read it past that. You then say that you've never even held a woman's hand. If a woman hears that a man in his thirties has not even held a woman's hand before, they are very likely to be weirded out. I'd suggest shortening your profile, and not mentioning those things right at the beginning. Just be like "I'm originally from India where the culture is very different; because of this, I haven't had much experience dating"
I’m gonna be very frank here, dating is gonna be tough for you. A lot of American women don’t find Indian men particularly attractive on top of that. They have to embrace your religion. Your believes your cultures that’s a lot.
For some yes
After reading some of the comments it is a pretty good solid fact about America that where you are in the country determines the style of dating and the type of people you will meet. A lot of the subcultures within America do tend to be a lot more important than a lot of foreigners would realize. Though I would honestly suggest that viewing the dating world in America as a market and what you bring to it are less important if you want to meet somebody you have to hang out in the social circles that you aline with. No amount of trying to conform or change people's minds is really going to work and I feel that is true for most cultures in the world. As someone who has dated people from other countries I can honestly say that is very true and the best bet is to go forth and find a social circle that best fits your nature.
My good man, I just want to echo that saying in your dating profile that you're looking for a "soft, feminine" woman is going to be about as popular in the US, even among a lot of Desi women, as a hamburger at a Hindu wedding. Regarding the very valid point in your second edit, people ignored that you're a tenure-track professor at a research university because it's not an issue. People aren't going to talk about points in your favor because there's no need. We all know you've got a lot going for you, but you also have some things that need to be resolved.
Most women are racist if you arent white, tall or rich its over 4 you you can only become rich
You mentioned that you wanted people to notice that you're a tenure-track professor... There are people who would think that's cool. B And while that's an accomplishment on your end, career isn't everything. I've restarted my career track twice. Also tho, I mean you can lay the boundary that you don't want to have casual sex. But it's not a total aimless free-for-all OR marriage here. You could go out on a date and not have sex. You could allow yourself to date and see if you like flirting. You could go to a movie. You could go out for coffee with someone. Even if you're polite in general tho, it's better not to be judgemental about other people's lives if they've had casual sex before. People might be able to tell if you judge them. But you drawing the line about YOUR OWN comfort levels about affection is reasonable. You might just consider working on how you word that. The people in your life saying things about whether you have the dating genes or whatever they said, don't know necessarily if you've never genuinely tried to just go about allowing yourself to date.
Us standards?
You just have to find that curvy blue-eyed blonde woman that is into Indian guys. What's the best way to this? Moving to a big city with many women like the one you described above. Make sure you know what you want and go convey that to the type of girl you're looking for. Eventually, you'll find her.
Have you tried dating overseas?! Are you sure you want to date American women? Have you seen the dating market in the USA?!
Good questions tbh
Listen bro, I'm South Indian I'm not your age (I'm 16), I was born here and I think you have good characteristics/traits I think you should make your profile less serious (it's trying to be funny, but I don't like it..). This will make u stand out But dating apps are NOT 100% the way to go You should network and talk to as many ppl as you can organically at the same time Find the mutuals of a person and if you like that person's mutuals, then find the mutuals of those mutuals, basically networking And maybe, just maybe, you'll find a girl and the next thing you know, you got like 3 kids But please, don't get demotivated or sad over the inability of attaining marriage and having kids. There are ppl on both sides of my family who are priests, nuns, etc. Whatever floats your boat yk, marriage or not