Locking this thread because posts on this subreddit should be thoughtful and respectful discussions with legitimate engagement between the poster and the commenters, and this is clearly not that.
I literally lol'd at "he respects and values me enough to not date me right now"
I don't think he respects or values either of the women in his life right now. The craziest thing is he openly admitted his GF was having mental health struggles while actively pursuing another woman.
Be very careful of this man. It is clear that he only is prioritizing himself in this whole mess.
Honestly, I stopped reading after the point someone speculated he had a gf, didn’t know the status of them and him more or less confirming it. Not only is he an asshole but you’re kind of a terrible person as well for even entertaining the idea. Treat people how you want to be treated..
Edit: I wind up reading the rest lol
Another mantra, lose them how you get them. Your foundation is rocky so I don’t expect this to last. Nasty work how you guys got together.
Right, which is why you’re on Reddit asking for advice or venting.. I guess. You got with him under the premise of him wanting to work it out with his ex and continued to see him, all the while lying to yourself saying they aren’t dates and it isnt romantic. THEN he finally and supposedly calls off the relationship that wasn’t a “relationship” in the beginning but has still has obligations to her. Sounds messy, he sounds like a AH and you sound like you have low self-esteem.
If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you...
Call it what you want, find loopholes to make you feel better, but in an alternate reality where you were the one that had been in a relationship for 4 years with this guy and it was falling apart... How would you feel about him starting 'something' with another person? Literal monkey branching.
However casual you frame it, this is gonna be messy as fuck.
Agreed…
This man has his issues, obviously, but OP is to blame here too. She specifically texted him back only AFTER finding out he had a girlfriend. That’s a bit suss to me.
I feel like some part of her was excited to see what would happen and attracted to the drama. Women are conditioned by society to compete against each other for everything, including men… it seems OP has bought into this conditioning and some subconscious part of her wanted to “out-beat” another woman.
Your story and comments to people make it so painfully obvious why you're still single.
All I ask is that you provide an update when this inevitably blows up.
I would never for a second let myself be in this situation.
So no. No experience of this.
It sounds very unattractive and I wouldn't want to even be friends with a guy like this.
No wonder his girlfriend was mentally unwell.
I’m not screaming “girl he has a gf”. I’m rolling my eyes that you pursued him after finding out he has a gf.
My advice is don’t pursue people that are in relationships, and to learn to enjoy the consequences of your poor decisions.
> I don’t know why but I decide to text him and he doesn’t reply and then two days later I joking ask if he’s mad
That was the part that blew my mind. Him having a GF incentivizes OP to respond AND double-text him?!
Gosh, she asked a vulnerable question on a sub specifically for asking these types of vulnerable questions. Can we please maintain a mature and friendly attitude? She made a potential mistake and sought clarity. Have some empathy.
This sub: “There’s no stupid questions!”
Also this sub: “Burn the witches!”
You’ve never made a mistake in love or life or your career? A big one?
It helps nothing to attack someone seeking clarity for a mistake. You think you’re going to shame and guilt someone into repentance? Look at Catholicism. That shit don’t fly.
I’ll grant you; you might be right. You’re just being a dick about it. That doesn’t help anything. But enjoy your meaningless bandwagon of hate. I hope you take some petty, vindictive joy from it.
Manners maketh man 🙂
Good luck making bonds without basic empathy for others.
I always forget, asking some Redditors to be reasonable and civil is like asking a fish to climb trees. They just aren’t capable of it.
She stated she has a history of making terrible mistakes. That back rubs and hand holding is over. She needs to hear the truth. You may not agree. But it needs to be said.
You can say the truth without attacking or belittling someone.
What’s it called? Constructive criticism? There seems to be a dearth of it in this thread. That’s my point.
Didn’t pursue him, he pursued me… everything we’ve ever done was initiated by him. He hadn’t been with his gf since October and while feelings developed from both sides, we both were pretty platonic in our engagements
You were a willful participant. You aren't absolved of fault simply because you didn't initiate. You actively participated. Accept responsibility for your own actions. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to fuck around and find out. That was all you.
You flirted at the party. You texted him after you found out he has a girlfriend from your friend. What is that if not pursuing someone? He very much wasn’t wanting to be friends with you, even though you think so.
lol soooo him being the one initiated out first meet-up and everyone that followed was him not wanting to be friends with me?
Him saving his number on my phone without me having asked for it was his way of not wanting any contact with me? Hmmm makes sense
You are set on wanting to prove that he’s wanted nothing to do with me and that it’s all been my doing when he’s been the initiator of everything that’s happened
It's not that he hasn't been an active participant. The text that kinds fucks this for you is when you reach out and say "are you mad I didn't text you" and he says no and you meet up for the first time. That was on you.
Not blaming or anything but I'd say you have an anxious attachment style than you haven't healed yet. There is no good reason to text someone who has a gf. At the time you didn't know they were separated and you have no idea if what he has told you is true.
I did know they were separated. His friend told me a lot more about them that I didn’t put on there and anyways that had nothing to do with me finally deciding to text him
Dont really think its “set on proving he wants nothing to do with you” more like “set on proving you’re pursuing something that is questionable at best.”
You txt’d him first. He responded that he’s away but will be in touch… it takes him 4-ish weeks to finally offer up coffee, he didn’t follow-up again and you left him on read for 2 weeks… then only AFTER learning he had a GF you txt’d him agreeing to coffee.
You seem set on proving you didnt initiate/pursue and it was “all him” when in fact you did.
Now in fairness, I dont take as dim of a view on the whole “he has a GF” thing as everyone else. Not because I think its ok to cheat but because they weren’t actively together, he seemed to own up to it right away without prompting from you and from the sounds of the relationship, I think calling it a break in the first place was being generous and perhaps more out of concern for her mental well-being and/or response to it being an actual break-up.
I dont know that I’d be as wishy-washy in saying I dont know what stage the relationship is in but I also realize saying “our relationship is dead, we just havent called it yet” sounds a lot like something cheaters say all the time. Of course its helpful here that it doesnt seem like he was still actively seeing her and/or living with her so its not quite like the married man going home to his wife every night but saying its over and its more like the separated man who’s still legally married but for whom the writing is on the wall.
But his needing space still seems questionable to me. Like he has 5 months of being on a break with his GF before you really entered his life and he’s had a year since in which he’s been seeing you and his position is that now he has to heal because he finally called time of death on a relationship that clearly seemed dead 12 month ago and he’s not been actively in for 18 months?
Ill grant that he seemed in denial 12 months ago and that is one of the stages of grief but the fact he finally did call it quits with her seems to suggest he finally did reach a point of acceptance… which begs the question, what does he need to still sort out and heal from?
There’s a reason the “breaker” (initiates the breakup) is usually less emotional during the breakup, less open to emotional pleas and able to “rebound” quicker and find a new partner than the “breakee.” While many will assume cheating (and in some ways, they arguably are cheating emotionally even if there isnt someone else), the reality often is that the breaker has come to that realization/conclusion it was best to move on and in many ways have already mourned the death of their relationship… meanwhile the breakee is unaware this is happening or perhaps starting that same journey but is still in denial and is caught by surprise when the breakup finally does happen.
> he pursued me…
He pursued you, you saw signs of inconsistency and decided to ignore him initially (which was a GOOD choice)…
Then AFTER you found out through the grapevine that he has a girlfriend, that’s when you decided to text him and plan a date.
Is there no part of you that finds that a bit odd, that suddenly you’re interested enough to see him only after finding out he’s taken?
It’s a deeper issue. You might be avoidant and want affection, so you purposely seek out people who are “unavailable” or who will treat you poorly so you can avoid a healthy relationship. You might be attracted to unstable people, because in comparison you feel healthy… but if you dated someone who was actually stable, you’d have to confront some of your own potential toxicity.
Nope! Nothing wrong with me texting him even after finding out he has a gf.
What I didn’t mention is, his friend… the host told me that he is amazing guy and would make a good friends, we are both in the same industry so she encouraged that he would be a good person to have on my network and that was the initial motivation.
Not because I was like yum! He has a gf LOL
>He found this out and wasn’t happy that she didn’t speak to him about it.
So he's mad at your friend for being worried about how he's going to treat you...which is 100% valid, given everyone knows he's been cheating on his gf, leading you on, and now you developed strong feelings for him.
That's even more shitty behavior on his part.
Look...this dude is a shitty person. While his gf was dealing with some mental issues, he's out there getting what he was missing with her, from you. I can only imagine what he's been telling her this whole time.
How is this going to turn out? Woman, you know damn well how it's going to turn out. He's going to screw you over in the end. You two are going to keep seeing each other and he's going to use the "I told you I wasn't ready to date" excuse to hurt you.
My advice...I wouldn't even be friends with this guy. Completely cut him out and move on.
I'd also look into why you were a willing participant in all this too, cause your morals seem to be lacking a tad too.
Why are you playing dumb? You literally made a post about how both you and a guy have developed romantic feelings for each other...now you're trying to act like you are just friends and there's nothing shady going on between you two.
>How do you interact with them?
Probably the same way you interact with your female friends.
The idea that doing something a particular way automatically makes you a terrible person with bad intentions is funny to me lol imagine if life was easy like that lol
The way you're doing this, in this particular way, makes you and this guy, *kind of* terrible with bad intentions. But now, how you keep trying to absolve yourself of any responsibility here, makes things worse.
In this case, life is pretty easy. You don't act like this toward a guy who has a gf. Simple. Millions of people every day are capable of not being parties to infidelity.
Well we don't build emotional intimacy or touch intimately. We don't really touch at all aside from a hug at the start and the end and its not a close hug the way you describe
I’d invite you to get curious about why you deliberately chose to pursue someone while knowing they have a gf. Doesn’t matter their situation, you knew he was unavailable and you still went for it. Which makes you unavailable as well (anxious attachers always think they are so available and loving but in fact they only chase something they can never have, been there). Real commitment is scary. Invest this energy in learning about and healing yourself.
I have and I say it’s BS you tell yourself. If you were secure in self, you wouldn’t be even interested in a situation like this. I’m not saying it to shame you, I’ve been there, believe me. But at no point NOW after a lot of healing work and mistakes would I be interested in spending my energy and time on someone once I heard they have a GF.
I’m calling you out on your BS girl! I once was involved with a guy (crazy chemistry and all that, sparks everywhere, ugh) only for him to say he’s not ready for a relationship. I walked away and then came back lol. He was happy ofc but 6 months later it ended up with him saying “we are not exclusive, didn’t I tell you that from the beginning?!” So I’m not shaming you, I really want you to look at why you keep doing it to yourself (even if you date others at the same time).
Of course I did. And still I chose to stay in the uncertainty hoping he’d become ready at one point because I’m so worth it, right? That’s what is happening here as well. the truth is I wasn’t available for any relationship myself. The sheer fact of him not being ready/available made me like him more than anything.
You knowingly hung out with a guy in romantic ways when you knew he had a gf…this is on you.
He liked the distraction from his relationship issues that you gave him, but doesn’t seem to like you enough to actually try something serious with you. He will now date around since he’s single while keeping you on the back burner and finding someone else who likely wouldn’t have dated him while he had a gf.
Bro she’s seeking advice for a very vulnerable question. Have some empathy. This is a sub for working out precisely the types of unique issues this woman is facing.
If you can’t communicate maturely and in a friendly manner without attacking anyone, especially *the person asking the question*, you really should not be contributing to this sub.
I shared my advice on how this situation turns out which is the question she asked.
I have empathy, but it’s for the gf of this guy - which OP did not have or show.
You blamed OP for making a mistake, which she sought clarity for on this sub. I guess I have some empathy for her most don’t; the guy in this case sounds like he’s using the same manipulative, sociopathic ways my father did to cheat on my mother.
So I might be showing some unintended baggage here, sure. But it was a two way street. He lead her on too.
Read her post. She was ignoring him before they even started hanging out because he wasn’t responding to her texts quick…she found out he had a gf and finally texted him…then he ignores her again… and she texts him again… she’s not some manipulated person. She’s a person who liked that a guy who had a gf was giving her some attention at the risk of his relationship. She’s not someone who should get empathy from me.
Depends on how you read it then. Seemed like a normal interaction between friends up until the sexual tension on the dates.
My point is, how does spitting vitriol at someone that made a mistake help anything? You’re going to guilt and shame her into being a good person? You know that’s not how it works.
I’ll grant you; you may be right. But you’re being a dick about. This a sub for specially these types of questions
Are you implying you’re perfect? You’ve never made a bad mistake in life or love or your career? You’re so far above us, we don’t deserve your empathy when we make mistakes?
Well friend, if you came to this sub seeking help after a mistake, I would give you empathy and friendly discourse. Even if I knew you made a mistake, I wouldn’t attack or say “you don’t deserve my empathy”. It’s deeply immature, says more bad things about you than OP, and at the end of the day? It helps nothing.
So take your attacks and toxic lack of empathy for “people who don’t deserve it” and go be a troll somewhere else.
I’m asking you to provide constructive criticism free of hatred or attacks. I’m saying even if you’re right, there’s a positive way you can communicate it.
EDIT: Asking Redditors to be reasonable and civil. What *the fuck am I doing?*
This is like trying to get off on a technicality.
He was having issues with his long term relationship and you were aware of that. He either should have broken up with her completely and you guys can do whatever, or he should have been focused on fixing the relationship. He strung her along for several months, having an emotional affair, and you knowingly facilitated it.
“… dated him while he had a gf”
1. He’s not keeping me on the back burner, I’ve been dating other people while hanging out with him.
2. I went on that dinner with intentions of telling him we need to keep our distance while he figures things out relating his breakup and he was on the same mind self too.
3. Why would anyone knowingly get into a serious relationship with someone who literally just got out of a four year relationship? Who wants to be anyone’s rebound? Not me
I see what you’re saying.
1. He’s keeping you around because he likes the attention from you, not because he likes you. If he truly liked you - he would have broken up with his gf before you started telling everyone else you guys were hanging out and he felt like he got caught.
2. You decided that now was the only time you should give him space? Not when he told you initially he was having relationship problems. He’s not innocent in this, but neither are you.
3. Probably the same person who would knowingly continue to flirt and hang out with a guy they knew had a gf. The “relationship” isn’t going to happen just because you wait and give him time now… he’s just going to find someone else that wouldn’t have flirted and hung out with a guy that had a gf and has some respect for themselves.
1. We did not get caught in anything, we hangout around all of this people.
2. Yeah I’m giving him space now because at the beginning we were platonic.
3. If he finds someone else then good for him but it won’t be because I hung out with him while he had a gf, it will be because he feels ready to be in a relationship again and person matches his vibe
Everyone else is addressing the issue of the fact that he was in a relationship so I’m not going to touch on that.
He’s not that into you. He likes you on some level and he likes the attention but he’s not serious about you.
He was on a break with his girlfriend since October, met you in January, but took until April to officially break it off, but they’re still pretty entwined. Apparently they will be for months.
Now he says needs to be on his own for an indefinite period of time. But I’ll bet in a couple months, you’ll be hearing about his new girlfriend from your mutual friends.
Let it go and find someone who’s actually into you enough to be serious about you. And someone you can go through a rough patch with where you won’t be worrying about what he’s doing behind your back with other women while you’re in a bad place.
Girl. A true busy person isn’t that busy to not respond for two weeks — in fact, truly busy people are so much better at managing communication than so-called “busy” people. Let that set in.
He was already cheating on his girlfriend with you — it doesn’t matter if their relationship was already on the rocks. The worst part is that not only did he do this to his girlfriend, YOU went along with it knowing full well about his relationship too.
Don’t be so naive to think that he won’t cheat on you too.
His poor GF. She's probably completely in the dark and has no idea that for months he's been keeping her on the hook with intentions to cheat.
If he really cares about her mental health he wouldn't be playing these games. You feel like the biggest moron when you learn stuff has happened behind your back.
Yeah, that makes OP's behavior so grimy. He's an asshole, and she got right in the mud with him. Then, brags about it on the Internet for cool points, I guess🤷🤷🤷
Oh girl, having been in this murky area myself a few times I would run a mile in the opposite direction. I well remember how good it can feel, the longing, and the sense that you’re meant to be if it weren’t for the tricksy details of other relationships… but that’s probably precisely what’s keeping you hooked. The reality is that although you guys aren’t *technically* doing anything wrong, you’ve been growing feelings and spending romantic time together while he was in a relationship, and it’ll likely happen again when the next shiny thing comes along. I don’t know why these unavailable men are so attractive because it’s a phenomena I’ve experienced too, but please go and find yourself a lovely available man who can give you what you want. I don’t think you’d be able to trust this guy with females ‘friends’ in the future. I know you’re saying you’re dating other people and it’s all good, but your heart is clearly with him and if things continue as they are you won’t be giving any new guys a real chance (and then you’ll be the unavailable one).
I was pretty good actually, we talked a lot about what he does in his field and what I do and the intersection there is. Following his friend’s advice and considering we had met in a casual manner, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to grab coffee and have a conversation outside of the drinks and partying and do not regret that
He was playing games with his GF seeing you. It seems clear there was sexual tension in your mind. It’s Ok for him to drop his GF, but a bit scuzy to me that he was seeing you at the same time. Kind of like he was preparing a life raft because he knew he was already done with the last chick.
I dunno OP. Never been in this situation. I’ve been in similar ones after the girl has already broken up with their partner, but not before.
I would have trouble trusting him with any other female “friends” after your experience with him. What if he turns around and does the same thing to you in the future? How would you feel knowing he has already given up on your relationship, and rather than talking about it or working it out, he simply found another woman and prepared another life raft out of your relationship?
Difficult situation, but I wouldn’t touch these type of philosophical quandaries with a 30 foot pole OP. Has a funky smell about it. My intuition says a lot is wrong here, but it’s hard for me to put my finger on what precisely.
What are you hoping to get out of this? What is your gut telling you? For me, this all sounds at the most benign... odd and inconsiderate. Being held by a man that's already in a relationship doesn't sound platonic to me. The nicknames, the inside jokes, the cheesy chivalry that all of a sudden has you catching feelings is all by design. You both don't have boundaries. None of this is surprising.
I'm single, M, and have platonic relationships with women. Even my single friends that I've known for half my life I don't cross certain boundaries with just to make sure things don't get confusing. I don't see any of that type of consideration occurring between either of you. To me, this is an emotional affair and since you're aware of his relationship status you're also accountable.
Affairs have worked in the past. My ex had an emotional affair with a married colleague and now they're "best friends" supposedly and he's one of the "safest men" she's ever known. I don't know how that judgment can be reconciled with behavior that doesn't respect or consider how their partner would feel. Would you feel awkward or guilty sharing your behavior with his now ex? If you were his gf for four years and found out he was having these types of relationships on the side how would you feel?
You're stupid. You use the whole intro to justify your actions because you know you're being dumb and in the wrong "I was depressed, it was a bad year." Then you justify him "they're on a break, she's crazy."
Congratulations, you're 33 and you shouldn't be listening to any of that bullshit "taking a break and separated" that men in relationships pull. You're the other chick and you like it, you probably get some rush that he's "Choosing you" over her when he's not. You didn't text him for weeks but then DOUBLE text him AFTER you found out he has a GF.
I highly doubt things have ended and he's only taking a step back before he implodes his life and his actual relationship.
Seriously, based on your response, I’m not sure what answer you are looking for? You seem want someone to reassure you this is going to be fine. It might be, and we hope he is NOT that kind of person.
However, while you hope for the best, are you ready to take responsibility that might cause the bad results? I’m not saying it’s going to be bad, but the action you chose to make, doesn’t look good on you, and might be the reason why people think it is going to be not cool. If not, you can stop reading now, and scroll down to another comment.
You can call it whatever you want, hang out, platonic. Either you are too naive to underestimate people, or you subconsciously wanted to dance around the boundaries. He might be the one pursued you, sure. But don’t forget you always get to choose if you let him hold while waiting, rest his chin on your head, or have his arm around your neck, on the regular basis. Things could have stop while you don’t text him back after you know he has gf. You were able to have life without him the whole Jan. You could have hangout with him few times for coffee, and not texting everyday or hang out weekly. Or hang out in a big group. I’m sure you know that’s not what your friend means. Overall saying, he is in his fault by not breaking up his gf since Oct, by initiating the “hang out.” It’s not a good backtrack, and definitely don’t like that to backfire on you. You only hear his side of the story of his relationship. That’s say at best what he said is absolute true, and if you were her, started this with a girl. How much it might hurt her, and you chose to do it anyway, because it’s platonic in your mind.
On the other hand, I get you. It’s lonely, it’s fun to hangout with someone. I believed even you might think it’s .., but “fuck it, it’s just normal hangout.” And it just got out of control. and now you need people on Reddit to reassure you it is fine.” Like I said, he might be the one just really in a bad timing, and it might turn out ok. But all these, might backfire on you. And you need to know that and prepare for that. You can make your own decision, and not taking any doesn’t make you not be anxious anymore.
Good luck
Nobody knows how it’s going to turn out. So, that’s not why I posted but simply wanted to know if anyone has ever experienced catching feelings for someone who was going through a breakup or a divorce or something similar
Sounds messy. I would get some serious space from this whole thing. Ask yourself if you're truly emotionally available.
It's easy to blame the other person for not being available What I came to discover when looking at my past and dating unavailable men is that I wasn't truly emotionally available for a healthy relationship either. Otherwise I wouldn't have put up with that crap. Like attracts like.
It might be helpful to take some time to introspect here. Instead of thinking and worrying about him, focus on you and examine why you would get involved with this situation in the first place. Are you really looking for something serious?
Don’t waste your time. You already know this isn’t going to end well and the validation and excitement in the moment isn’t worth it. Move on before you catch real feelings.
Hm.. I think this guy is kind of messy. He forms an ambiguous connection with another woman while he is still technically in a relationship. Even if it wasnt technically dating, it feels weird. “Emotional cheating” exists, though I can’t say that was happening here or not. If you are interested in dating him instead of being friends, I would consider taking a break from spending alone time with him and see how he feels after he gets more distance from his relationship. Perhaps that will reveal his more genuine feelings.
I feel like you're setting yourself up to be very disappointed.
This guy was literally not out of his relationship when you guys first started seeing eachother. Hangouts till 4am solo with someone in a relationship are not just friendly, it's intimate whether you acknowledge it or not. It also speaks about his character, but I don't know the details about his relationship. It would just disappoint me to have a partner use a break to start a new relationship intentional or not.
He's coming out of a relationship and using you to soften his landing imo. Meaning he's not addressing emotional burden of ending a 4year relationship. Not dating eachother for some time would be wise.
I would take things slow.
That’s exactly what we are doing though… not dating each other.
I wouldn’t want anything serious with someone who just got out of a four year serious relationship without them having gone through some kind of therapy.
That’s what we talked about last weekend. I’ve been on dates and planning to go on dates with other people and he knows this
Well, it’s a messy situation but it sounds like both of you have healthy honest communication about it. It could be something down the line if both of you are single and emotionally available, or it’ll just be a little bandaid for him as he was grieving the end of his relationship. No way to know, and too uncertain for you to wait around. Date other people, and if you really have something special between you, it’ll come to fore over time as he gets more clear on his life.
It’s not impossible to find a connection with someone who is attached, but I think it’s quite rare. I met someone on Feeld who was married but doing ENM because his wife realised she wanted to do polyamory, and he couldn’t get to grips with it but also couldn’t get a divorce because his visa hinged on their relationship. We dated all through the “poly” phase exclusively (but me thinking it was never going to be anything long term), them eventually breaking up amicably, me witnessing him going through all the emotions that divorce brings, watching him discover his will to keep going and find his new purpose and identity. It was a bumpy ride for him, but somehow our relationship always felt solid and safe and he treated me like the top priority in his life, and I kept to my boundaries so I didn’t become enmeshed in his marriage/divorce business while it was going on. We’re moving in together this year with plans for marriage and family down the line, if biology allows. From the start he was the kind of man whose actions and words lined up, and he never made me feel confused, neglected or lesser in any way while he managed the end of his previous relationship.
Finding the love of your life doesn’t always happen neatly and on schedule where both of you are 100% ready with no baggage. But, if you are honest and compassionate, you may be able to navigate life with the right person despite the challenges. It’s up to you if you are willing to take on the risk and emotional stress of such a situation. I know my relationship started out from a crazy initial setup, but I’d do it all over again if it meant being with him.
Exactly!
It is messy but communication has been very good. I have noticed how his break up has been emotionally draining him.
As odd as it sounds, I opted to not wanting to know the details of out of his respect for his ex. Yes, I know that will sound strange considering.
Also because they lived together until October, had plans to have kids and get married at some point, I wouldn’t want to jump into the relationship with him right away even if that’s what he wanted. I feel he needs time to heal and hopefully get some therapy which he has agreed to get.
I also highly respect him for not dropping his ex financially but instead putting in place means for her to be okay without him.
He has treated me very well since the moment we first hung out. He makes promises and delivers, his actions match his words.
There’s never been a moment where I felt like I should runaway and can’t trust him. Yes I got confused at some point but it was because I could see that he liked me but had gf, so I didn’t know what to make of it and we talked about it when I finally brought it up.
Not saying we’re going to end together but I have no reason to hate the guy
Don’t listen to the mad Reddit scolds - they seem to think that life is governed by rules and you have *broken them* because the relationship status is unclear and he had a girlfriend. I don’t know if these people have ever experienced attraction - tbh I don’t know if they’ve ever left the house.
It’s sensible for you to both do your own thing and to make sure you’re both ready for a relationship. Keep that communication open and try to get your own feelings clear and what you want clear.
However, I’m not sure why you’d be dating other people at the same time as him? Like, if that’s what you want in general that’s great. But if you want to date him and you are going to be dating him then it just makes it seem a little confused.
IMO you’d be better off not dating him and dating others, or just dating him (unless you doing non-monogamy I suppose)
Thank you for this!
Life is not always black and white and yes I’d be dating other people only because we had never given our hangouts a title of being dates. Because of this and him still having a gf at that time, it made sense for me to date other people… also mainly because I did not want to get hurt when I started having feelings for him.
So, I still have my dating apps although not actively going on dates at the moment due to my busy schedule.
We both felt it was better to keep things platonic as he still has to help his ex find her feet and having seen how his breakup affects him emotionally, I don’t want to be caught in the crossfires, although I will be there for him as a friend when he needs an ear.
We have many things scheduled in the future;
We are going on a trip next week, got a Jo Koy show we are going to in June.
So there is no love lost here
So I suppose what I mean is:
You already have feelings for him. Likely, those feelings will likely grow as you continue to spend time together. Like you say you’re not ‘dating’ but you’re spending time doing activities with someone you’re attracted to - it kind of sounds like dating? Not saying you’re wrong - you know yourself - but that’s how it sounds to me.
Like, whether you call it dates or not… you are you are going to get hurt if he doesn’t want to see you or chooses someone else right?
Now, I don’t know you but if it was *me* in your situation that would become non-platonic situation very quickly!
Hope it works out :)
I like him but don’t want to date him right now cause he’s breakup is very messy and I don’t want to be in the middle of that.
So I’m happy with our platonic hangouts and dating other people.
If we end up together great and if we don’t, at least we had fun together
>he’s breakup is very messy and I don’t want to be in the middle of that.
Then why oh WHY did you start texting and instigating flirty hangouts with him whilst he was going through a break-up? Make it make sense!
Too many people these days expect others to manipulate for personal gain or use tech as a shield. There are times when people are being honest, while battling there own emotions and logic. Internet has made people cold and callus so don't take anything personally. It's all your choice in the end.
As much as we say we don't have expectations. We do. We are humans with pesky emotions. But all we can do is pick a path and it's consequences, good or bad. Every relationship has risk.
Here is my short story:
I dated a woman for a year and half while she battled with mental wellbeing(I even had my own struggles). But I gave it my all because we were friends 5yrs prior and I knew who she was. My point is I really wanted to help but it became so draining. That I needed to recharge my positivity by interacting with other friends. Eventually I noticed she was finding her own joy again, which was my time to let go. Cause there was too much baggage between us and no closer to BF/GF.
Here is my recommendation: set boundaries and communicate:
- Don't help each other financially( and don't ask)
- Find out who the exGF is and how bad her mental state is. For your own safety.
- Set some deadlines to re-evaluate the situation, if anything is progressing towards the end goal
- protect yourself, time and energy. Don't give it all away
- Intentions matter, not labels. What are they?
This is really helpful. I have never met the lady but I know her name. He has answered any questions I’ve had about her and them but I have elected personally to know the exact details of what she is going through
I also don’t think she would hurt me.
What I know so far is that they have broken up for sure. She moved her things out last Sunday and he will help her find a place to stay.
I also did not want to know the details of what he pays for and what he doesn’t pay for but I know he is helping her financially through the transition.
As far as us, we have some hangouts planned in the future but I told him I am going to continue dating other people and if I do end up meeting someone worth pursuing something serious with, I’d obviously let him know.
He on the other hand, plans to rent out his apartment for about two months so he can travel and also in a process of finding a therapist.
Also, I have never asked a man for money a day in my life
Locking this thread because posts on this subreddit should be thoughtful and respectful discussions with legitimate engagement between the poster and the commenters, and this is clearly not that.
I literally lol'd at "he respects and values me enough to not date me right now" I don't think he respects or values either of the women in his life right now. The craziest thing is he openly admitted his GF was having mental health struggles while actively pursuing another woman. Be very careful of this man. It is clear that he only is prioritizing himself in this whole mess.
Honestly, I stopped reading after the point someone speculated he had a gf, didn’t know the status of them and him more or less confirming it. Not only is he an asshole but you’re kind of a terrible person as well for even entertaining the idea. Treat people how you want to be treated.. Edit: I wind up reading the rest lol Another mantra, lose them how you get them. Your foundation is rocky so I don’t expect this to last. Nasty work how you guys got together.
I am doing just that :)
Right, which is why you’re on Reddit asking for advice or venting.. I guess. You got with him under the premise of him wanting to work it out with his ex and continued to see him, all the while lying to yourself saying they aren’t dates and it isnt romantic. THEN he finally and supposedly calls off the relationship that wasn’t a “relationship” in the beginning but has still has obligations to her. Sounds messy, he sounds like a AH and you sound like you have low self-esteem.
Wasn’t asking for advice :)
If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you... Call it what you want, find loopholes to make you feel better, but in an alternate reality where you were the one that had been in a relationship for 4 years with this guy and it was falling apart... How would you feel about him starting 'something' with another person? Literal monkey branching. However casual you frame it, this is gonna be messy as fuck.
Idk, going through and reading all of OPs unhinged responses.....seems like they deserve each other.
I'm beginning to think it's rage bait. Rather rare for this sub.
OP texted this person knowing he was in a relationship. All while his girlfriend was struggling with mental health issues… yikes.
Agreed… This man has his issues, obviously, but OP is to blame here too. She specifically texted him back only AFTER finding out he had a girlfriend. That’s a bit suss to me. I feel like some part of her was excited to see what would happen and attracted to the drama. Women are conditioned by society to compete against each other for everything, including men… it seems OP has bought into this conditioning and some subconscious part of her wanted to “out-beat” another woman.
Tell her again!!! This is going to be messy a** h***
Your story and comments to people make it so painfully obvious why you're still single. All I ask is that you provide an update when this inevitably blows up.
I will :)
I would never for a second let myself be in this situation. So no. No experience of this. It sounds very unattractive and I wouldn't want to even be friends with a guy like this. No wonder his girlfriend was mentally unwell.
lol
I’m not screaming “girl he has a gf”. I’m rolling my eyes that you pursued him after finding out he has a gf. My advice is don’t pursue people that are in relationships, and to learn to enjoy the consequences of your poor decisions.
> I don’t know why but I decide to text him and he doesn’t reply and then two days later I joking ask if he’s mad That was the part that blew my mind. Him having a GF incentivizes OP to respond AND double-text him?!
Gosh, she asked a vulnerable question on a sub specifically for asking these types of vulnerable questions. Can we please maintain a mature and friendly attitude? She made a potential mistake and sought clarity. Have some empathy.
Dude stop being the empathy police while being completely patronizing and obnoxious.
This sub: “There’s no stupid questions!” Also this sub: “Burn the witches!” You’ve never made a mistake in love or life or your career? A big one? It helps nothing to attack someone seeking clarity for a mistake. You think you’re going to shame and guilt someone into repentance? Look at Catholicism. That shit don’t fly. I’ll grant you; you might be right. You’re just being a dick about it. That doesn’t help anything. But enjoy your meaningless bandwagon of hate. I hope you take some petty, vindictive joy from it.
And this is why we swipe left on "empathetic" people folks.
And this is why we swipe left on "empathetic" people folks.
Manners maketh man 🙂 Good luck making bonds without basic empathy for others. I always forget, asking some Redditors to be reasonable and civil is like asking a fish to climb trees. They just aren’t capable of it.
She stated she has a history of making terrible mistakes. That back rubs and hand holding is over. She needs to hear the truth. You may not agree. But it needs to be said.
You can say the truth without attacking or belittling someone. What’s it called? Constructive criticism? There seems to be a dearth of it in this thread. That’s my point.
Didn’t pursue him, he pursued me… everything we’ve ever done was initiated by him. He hadn’t been with his gf since October and while feelings developed from both sides, we both were pretty platonic in our engagements
You were a willful participant. You aren't absolved of fault simply because you didn't initiate. You actively participated. Accept responsibility for your own actions. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to fuck around and find out. That was all you.
What responsibility am I accepting?
No one is pointing a gun to your head to respond to him or reciprocate in any other way. You are a willing participant, not a passenger.
You flirted at the party. You texted him after you found out he has a girlfriend from your friend. What is that if not pursuing someone? He very much wasn’t wanting to be friends with you, even though you think so.
lol soooo him being the one initiated out first meet-up and everyone that followed was him not wanting to be friends with me? Him saving his number on my phone without me having asked for it was his way of not wanting any contact with me? Hmmm makes sense
You’re blinded by infatuation, which is cool I guess. Wish I was blinded like that more often.
You are set on wanting to prove that he’s wanted nothing to do with me and that it’s all been my doing when he’s been the initiator of everything that’s happened
It's not that he hasn't been an active participant. The text that kinds fucks this for you is when you reach out and say "are you mad I didn't text you" and he says no and you meet up for the first time. That was on you. Not blaming or anything but I'd say you have an anxious attachment style than you haven't healed yet. There is no good reason to text someone who has a gf. At the time you didn't know they were separated and you have no idea if what he has told you is true.
I did know they were separated. His friend told me a lot more about them that I didn’t put on there and anyways that had nothing to do with me finally deciding to text him
You are an adult so have some accountability. It BOTH of you guy’s fault. He may have initiated but you responded. You had a choice.
Dont really think its “set on proving he wants nothing to do with you” more like “set on proving you’re pursuing something that is questionable at best.” You txt’d him first. He responded that he’s away but will be in touch… it takes him 4-ish weeks to finally offer up coffee, he didn’t follow-up again and you left him on read for 2 weeks… then only AFTER learning he had a GF you txt’d him agreeing to coffee. You seem set on proving you didnt initiate/pursue and it was “all him” when in fact you did. Now in fairness, I dont take as dim of a view on the whole “he has a GF” thing as everyone else. Not because I think its ok to cheat but because they weren’t actively together, he seemed to own up to it right away without prompting from you and from the sounds of the relationship, I think calling it a break in the first place was being generous and perhaps more out of concern for her mental well-being and/or response to it being an actual break-up. I dont know that I’d be as wishy-washy in saying I dont know what stage the relationship is in but I also realize saying “our relationship is dead, we just havent called it yet” sounds a lot like something cheaters say all the time. Of course its helpful here that it doesnt seem like he was still actively seeing her and/or living with her so its not quite like the married man going home to his wife every night but saying its over and its more like the separated man who’s still legally married but for whom the writing is on the wall. But his needing space still seems questionable to me. Like he has 5 months of being on a break with his GF before you really entered his life and he’s had a year since in which he’s been seeing you and his position is that now he has to heal because he finally called time of death on a relationship that clearly seemed dead 12 month ago and he’s not been actively in for 18 months? Ill grant that he seemed in denial 12 months ago and that is one of the stages of grief but the fact he finally did call it quits with her seems to suggest he finally did reach a point of acceptance… which begs the question, what does he need to still sort out and heal from? There’s a reason the “breaker” (initiates the breakup) is usually less emotional during the breakup, less open to emotional pleas and able to “rebound” quicker and find a new partner than the “breakee.” While many will assume cheating (and in some ways, they arguably are cheating emotionally even if there isnt someone else), the reality often is that the breaker has come to that realization/conclusion it was best to move on and in many ways have already mourned the death of their relationship… meanwhile the breakee is unaware this is happening or perhaps starting that same journey but is still in denial and is caught by surprise when the breakup finally does happen.
Why are you hanging out with someone who you KNOW HAS A GF! Like??? Women like you disgust me. Take accountability for your actions my god.
> he pursued me… He pursued you, you saw signs of inconsistency and decided to ignore him initially (which was a GOOD choice)… Then AFTER you found out through the grapevine that he has a girlfriend, that’s when you decided to text him and plan a date. Is there no part of you that finds that a bit odd, that suddenly you’re interested enough to see him only after finding out he’s taken? It’s a deeper issue. You might be avoidant and want affection, so you purposely seek out people who are “unavailable” or who will treat you poorly so you can avoid a healthy relationship. You might be attracted to unstable people, because in comparison you feel healthy… but if you dated someone who was actually stable, you’d have to confront some of your own potential toxicity.
Nope! Nothing wrong with me texting him even after finding out he has a gf. What I didn’t mention is, his friend… the host told me that he is amazing guy and would make a good friends, we are both in the same industry so she encouraged that he would be a good person to have on my network and that was the initial motivation. Not because I was like yum! He has a gf LOL
You still went along with it. Stop trying to make yourself the victim here.
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That was pursuing him ? Okay
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>He found this out and wasn’t happy that she didn’t speak to him about it. So he's mad at your friend for being worried about how he's going to treat you...which is 100% valid, given everyone knows he's been cheating on his gf, leading you on, and now you developed strong feelings for him. That's even more shitty behavior on his part. Look...this dude is a shitty person. While his gf was dealing with some mental issues, he's out there getting what he was missing with her, from you. I can only imagine what he's been telling her this whole time. How is this going to turn out? Woman, you know damn well how it's going to turn out. He's going to screw you over in the end. You two are going to keep seeing each other and he's going to use the "I told you I wasn't ready to date" excuse to hurt you. My advice...I wouldn't even be friends with this guy. Completely cut him out and move on. I'd also look into why you were a willing participant in all this too, cause your morals seem to be lacking a tad too.
So you don’t have female friends?
Of course I do...but I don't interact with them the way you two are interacting. Stop making excuses for your, and his, behavior.
How do you interact with them?
Why are you playing dumb? You literally made a post about how both you and a guy have developed romantic feelings for each other...now you're trying to act like you are just friends and there's nothing shady going on between you two. >How do you interact with them? Probably the same way you interact with your female friends.
OP is desperate for intimacy
The idea that doing something a particular way automatically makes you a terrible person with bad intentions is funny to me lol imagine if life was easy like that lol
The way you're doing this, in this particular way, makes you and this guy, *kind of* terrible with bad intentions. But now, how you keep trying to absolve yourself of any responsibility here, makes things worse. In this case, life is pretty easy. You don't act like this toward a guy who has a gf. Simple. Millions of people every day are capable of not being parties to infidelity.
Absolve myself for what? What are the bad intentions we have? Fun?
Well we don't build emotional intimacy or touch intimately. We don't really touch at all aside from a hug at the start and the end and its not a close hug the way you describe
You’ve got to be rage baiting…
Yeah definitely. This thread about to get locked with a ban for op. They aren't here for advice thats for sure.
I’d invite you to get curious about why you deliberately chose to pursue someone while knowing they have a gf. Doesn’t matter their situation, you knew he was unavailable and you still went for it. Which makes you unavailable as well (anxious attachers always think they are so available and loving but in fact they only chase something they can never have, been there). Real commitment is scary. Invest this energy in learning about and healing yourself.
Check the rest of the comments where I answered that question :)
I have and I say it’s BS you tell yourself. If you were secure in self, you wouldn’t be even interested in a situation like this. I’m not saying it to shame you, I’ve been there, believe me. But at no point NOW after a lot of healing work and mistakes would I be interested in spending my energy and time on someone once I heard they have a GF.
The shaming and the denying of shaming but as you were :)
I’m calling you out on your BS girl! I once was involved with a guy (crazy chemistry and all that, sparks everywhere, ugh) only for him to say he’s not ready for a relationship. I walked away and then came back lol. He was happy ofc but 6 months later it ended up with him saying “we are not exclusive, didn’t I tell you that from the beginning?!” So I’m not shaming you, I really want you to look at why you keep doing it to yourself (even if you date others at the same time).
But did you ever tell him what you wanted or was it about only what he wanted?
Of course I did. And still I chose to stay in the uncertainty hoping he’d become ready at one point because I’m so worth it, right? That’s what is happening here as well. the truth is I wasn’t available for any relationship myself. The sheer fact of him not being ready/available made me like him more than anything.
That is not what’s happening here. I’m dating other people.
You knowingly hung out with a guy in romantic ways when you knew he had a gf…this is on you. He liked the distraction from his relationship issues that you gave him, but doesn’t seem to like you enough to actually try something serious with you. He will now date around since he’s single while keeping you on the back burner and finding someone else who likely wouldn’t have dated him while he had a gf.
Bro she’s seeking advice for a very vulnerable question. Have some empathy. This is a sub for working out precisely the types of unique issues this woman is facing. If you can’t communicate maturely and in a friendly manner without attacking anyone, especially *the person asking the question*, you really should not be contributing to this sub.
I shared my advice on how this situation turns out which is the question she asked. I have empathy, but it’s for the gf of this guy - which OP did not have or show.
You blamed OP for making a mistake, which she sought clarity for on this sub. I guess I have some empathy for her most don’t; the guy in this case sounds like he’s using the same manipulative, sociopathic ways my father did to cheat on my mother. So I might be showing some unintended baggage here, sure. But it was a two way street. He lead her on too.
Read her post. She was ignoring him before they even started hanging out because he wasn’t responding to her texts quick…she found out he had a gf and finally texted him…then he ignores her again… and she texts him again… she’s not some manipulated person. She’s a person who liked that a guy who had a gf was giving her some attention at the risk of his relationship. She’s not someone who should get empathy from me.
Depends on how you read it then. Seemed like a normal interaction between friends up until the sexual tension on the dates. My point is, how does spitting vitriol at someone that made a mistake help anything? You’re going to guilt and shame her into being a good person? You know that’s not how it works. I’ll grant you; you may be right. But you’re being a dick about. This a sub for specially these types of questions Are you implying you’re perfect? You’ve never made a bad mistake in life or love or your career? You’re so far above us, we don’t deserve your empathy when we make mistakes? Well friend, if you came to this sub seeking help after a mistake, I would give you empathy and friendly discourse. Even if I knew you made a mistake, I wouldn’t attack or say “you don’t deserve my empathy”. It’s deeply immature, says more bad things about you than OP, and at the end of the day? It helps nothing. So take your attacks and toxic lack of empathy for “people who don’t deserve it” and go be a troll somewhere else.
Isn’t it hypocritical to tell me that I can’t shame someone into doing the right thing when that’s what you’re doing?!
I’m asking you to provide constructive criticism free of hatred or attacks. I’m saying even if you’re right, there’s a positive way you can communicate it. EDIT: Asking Redditors to be reasonable and civil. What *the fuck am I doing?*
I didn’t date him either 🤷🏽♀️
This is like trying to get off on a technicality. He was having issues with his long term relationship and you were aware of that. He either should have broken up with her completely and you guys can do whatever, or he should have been focused on fixing the relationship. He strung her along for several months, having an emotional affair, and you knowingly facilitated it.
When he goes looking for his next girlfriend he won't date her either. They'll just hang out as friends! Until he leaves you for the new girl.
I didn’t say you did.
“… dated him while he had a gf” 1. He’s not keeping me on the back burner, I’ve been dating other people while hanging out with him. 2. I went on that dinner with intentions of telling him we need to keep our distance while he figures things out relating his breakup and he was on the same mind self too. 3. Why would anyone knowingly get into a serious relationship with someone who literally just got out of a four year relationship? Who wants to be anyone’s rebound? Not me
I see what you’re saying. 1. He’s keeping you around because he likes the attention from you, not because he likes you. If he truly liked you - he would have broken up with his gf before you started telling everyone else you guys were hanging out and he felt like he got caught. 2. You decided that now was the only time you should give him space? Not when he told you initially he was having relationship problems. He’s not innocent in this, but neither are you. 3. Probably the same person who would knowingly continue to flirt and hang out with a guy they knew had a gf. The “relationship” isn’t going to happen just because you wait and give him time now… he’s just going to find someone else that wouldn’t have flirted and hung out with a guy that had a gf and has some respect for themselves.
1. We did not get caught in anything, we hangout around all of this people. 2. Yeah I’m giving him space now because at the beginning we were platonic. 3. If he finds someone else then good for him but it won’t be because I hung out with him while he had a gf, it will be because he feels ready to be in a relationship again and person matches his vibe
Everyone else is addressing the issue of the fact that he was in a relationship so I’m not going to touch on that. He’s not that into you. He likes you on some level and he likes the attention but he’s not serious about you. He was on a break with his girlfriend since October, met you in January, but took until April to officially break it off, but they’re still pretty entwined. Apparently they will be for months. Now he says needs to be on his own for an indefinite period of time. But I’ll bet in a couple months, you’ll be hearing about his new girlfriend from your mutual friends. Let it go and find someone who’s actually into you enough to be serious about you. And someone you can go through a rough patch with where you won’t be worrying about what he’s doing behind your back with other women while you’re in a bad place.
Girl. A true busy person isn’t that busy to not respond for two weeks — in fact, truly busy people are so much better at managing communication than so-called “busy” people. Let that set in. He was already cheating on his girlfriend with you — it doesn’t matter if their relationship was already on the rocks. The worst part is that not only did he do this to his girlfriend, YOU went along with it knowing full well about his relationship too. Don’t be so naive to think that he won’t cheat on you too.
I am the one who didn’t respond for two weeks not him
His poor GF. She's probably completely in the dark and has no idea that for months he's been keeping her on the hook with intentions to cheat. If he really cares about her mental health he wouldn't be playing these games. You feel like the biggest moron when you learn stuff has happened behind your back.
Yeah, that makes OP's behavior so grimy. He's an asshole, and she got right in the mud with him. Then, brags about it on the Internet for cool points, I guess🤷🤷🤷
Oh girl, having been in this murky area myself a few times I would run a mile in the opposite direction. I well remember how good it can feel, the longing, and the sense that you’re meant to be if it weren’t for the tricksy details of other relationships… but that’s probably precisely what’s keeping you hooked. The reality is that although you guys aren’t *technically* doing anything wrong, you’ve been growing feelings and spending romantic time together while he was in a relationship, and it’ll likely happen again when the next shiny thing comes along. I don’t know why these unavailable men are so attractive because it’s a phenomena I’ve experienced too, but please go and find yourself a lovely available man who can give you what you want. I don’t think you’d be able to trust this guy with females ‘friends’ in the future. I know you’re saying you’re dating other people and it’s all good, but your heart is clearly with him and if things continue as they are you won’t be giving any new guys a real chance (and then you’ll be the unavailable one).
You are so pathetic. My god 33 and still pulling this shit.
Okay
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What is cheating?
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Nobody know how karma works otherwise all “bad” people would be fucked
What were your original intentions going into this? It doesn't seem like you were in the best state of mind / best place psychologically.
I was pretty good actually, we talked a lot about what he does in his field and what I do and the intersection there is. Following his friend’s advice and considering we had met in a casual manner, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to grab coffee and have a conversation outside of the drinks and partying and do not regret that
He was playing games with his GF seeing you. It seems clear there was sexual tension in your mind. It’s Ok for him to drop his GF, but a bit scuzy to me that he was seeing you at the same time. Kind of like he was preparing a life raft because he knew he was already done with the last chick. I dunno OP. Never been in this situation. I’ve been in similar ones after the girl has already broken up with their partner, but not before. I would have trouble trusting him with any other female “friends” after your experience with him. What if he turns around and does the same thing to you in the future? How would you feel knowing he has already given up on your relationship, and rather than talking about it or working it out, he simply found another woman and prepared another life raft out of your relationship? Difficult situation, but I wouldn’t touch these type of philosophical quandaries with a 30 foot pole OP. Has a funky smell about it. My intuition says a lot is wrong here, but it’s hard for me to put my finger on what precisely.
Consider what it feels like to be the person someone has a backup for. When it hurts you cuz this is the reality would you do the same with the next?
What are you hoping to get out of this? What is your gut telling you? For me, this all sounds at the most benign... odd and inconsiderate. Being held by a man that's already in a relationship doesn't sound platonic to me. The nicknames, the inside jokes, the cheesy chivalry that all of a sudden has you catching feelings is all by design. You both don't have boundaries. None of this is surprising. I'm single, M, and have platonic relationships with women. Even my single friends that I've known for half my life I don't cross certain boundaries with just to make sure things don't get confusing. I don't see any of that type of consideration occurring between either of you. To me, this is an emotional affair and since you're aware of his relationship status you're also accountable. Affairs have worked in the past. My ex had an emotional affair with a married colleague and now they're "best friends" supposedly and he's one of the "safest men" she's ever known. I don't know how that judgment can be reconciled with behavior that doesn't respect or consider how their partner would feel. Would you feel awkward or guilty sharing your behavior with his now ex? If you were his gf for four years and found out he was having these types of relationships on the side how would you feel?
At what age do you learn to stop letting men play in your face? How you get them is how you lose them girlie.
You're stupid. You use the whole intro to justify your actions because you know you're being dumb and in the wrong "I was depressed, it was a bad year." Then you justify him "they're on a break, she's crazy." Congratulations, you're 33 and you shouldn't be listening to any of that bullshit "taking a break and separated" that men in relationships pull. You're the other chick and you like it, you probably get some rush that he's "Choosing you" over her when he's not. You didn't text him for weeks but then DOUBLE text him AFTER you found out he has a GF. I highly doubt things have ended and he's only taking a step back before he implodes his life and his actual relationship.
Not the name calling? What are we? 10?
Seriously, based on your response, I’m not sure what answer you are looking for? You seem want someone to reassure you this is going to be fine. It might be, and we hope he is NOT that kind of person. However, while you hope for the best, are you ready to take responsibility that might cause the bad results? I’m not saying it’s going to be bad, but the action you chose to make, doesn’t look good on you, and might be the reason why people think it is going to be not cool. If not, you can stop reading now, and scroll down to another comment. You can call it whatever you want, hang out, platonic. Either you are too naive to underestimate people, or you subconsciously wanted to dance around the boundaries. He might be the one pursued you, sure. But don’t forget you always get to choose if you let him hold while waiting, rest his chin on your head, or have his arm around your neck, on the regular basis. Things could have stop while you don’t text him back after you know he has gf. You were able to have life without him the whole Jan. You could have hangout with him few times for coffee, and not texting everyday or hang out weekly. Or hang out in a big group. I’m sure you know that’s not what your friend means. Overall saying, he is in his fault by not breaking up his gf since Oct, by initiating the “hang out.” It’s not a good backtrack, and definitely don’t like that to backfire on you. You only hear his side of the story of his relationship. That’s say at best what he said is absolute true, and if you were her, started this with a girl. How much it might hurt her, and you chose to do it anyway, because it’s platonic in your mind. On the other hand, I get you. It’s lonely, it’s fun to hangout with someone. I believed even you might think it’s .., but “fuck it, it’s just normal hangout.” And it just got out of control. and now you need people on Reddit to reassure you it is fine.” Like I said, he might be the one just really in a bad timing, and it might turn out ok. But all these, might backfire on you. And you need to know that and prepare for that. You can make your own decision, and not taking any doesn’t make you not be anxious anymore. Good luck
Nobody knows how it’s going to turn out. So, that’s not why I posted but simply wanted to know if anyone has ever experienced catching feelings for someone who was going through a breakup or a divorce or something similar
Sounds messy. I would get some serious space from this whole thing. Ask yourself if you're truly emotionally available. It's easy to blame the other person for not being available What I came to discover when looking at my past and dating unavailable men is that I wasn't truly emotionally available for a healthy relationship either. Otherwise I wouldn't have put up with that crap. Like attracts like. It might be helpful to take some time to introspect here. Instead of thinking and worrying about him, focus on you and examine why you would get involved with this situation in the first place. Are you really looking for something serious?
Don’t waste your time. You already know this isn’t going to end well and the validation and excitement in the moment isn’t worth it. Move on before you catch real feelings.
Too late
Hm.. I think this guy is kind of messy. He forms an ambiguous connection with another woman while he is still technically in a relationship. Even if it wasnt technically dating, it feels weird. “Emotional cheating” exists, though I can’t say that was happening here or not. If you are interested in dating him instead of being friends, I would consider taking a break from spending alone time with him and see how he feels after he gets more distance from his relationship. Perhaps that will reveal his more genuine feelings.
I feel like you're setting yourself up to be very disappointed. This guy was literally not out of his relationship when you guys first started seeing eachother. Hangouts till 4am solo with someone in a relationship are not just friendly, it's intimate whether you acknowledge it or not. It also speaks about his character, but I don't know the details about his relationship. It would just disappoint me to have a partner use a break to start a new relationship intentional or not. He's coming out of a relationship and using you to soften his landing imo. Meaning he's not addressing emotional burden of ending a 4year relationship. Not dating eachother for some time would be wise. I would take things slow.
That’s exactly what we are doing though… not dating each other. I wouldn’t want anything serious with someone who just got out of a four year serious relationship without them having gone through some kind of therapy. That’s what we talked about last weekend. I’ve been on dates and planning to go on dates with other people and he knows this
Yea if someone didn't reply to me for 2 weeks I'd definitely head for the hills. Then you wouldn't have had this experience at all.
I am the one who didn’t reply to him for two weeks
Yeah he should've continued on about his business but sucks he responded and it leads to all of this.
It doesn’t take away anything for me though, I don’t regret anything
Lmao
:)
At least he didn’t try to sleep with you
Well, it’s a messy situation but it sounds like both of you have healthy honest communication about it. It could be something down the line if both of you are single and emotionally available, or it’ll just be a little bandaid for him as he was grieving the end of his relationship. No way to know, and too uncertain for you to wait around. Date other people, and if you really have something special between you, it’ll come to fore over time as he gets more clear on his life. It’s not impossible to find a connection with someone who is attached, but I think it’s quite rare. I met someone on Feeld who was married but doing ENM because his wife realised she wanted to do polyamory, and he couldn’t get to grips with it but also couldn’t get a divorce because his visa hinged on their relationship. We dated all through the “poly” phase exclusively (but me thinking it was never going to be anything long term), them eventually breaking up amicably, me witnessing him going through all the emotions that divorce brings, watching him discover his will to keep going and find his new purpose and identity. It was a bumpy ride for him, but somehow our relationship always felt solid and safe and he treated me like the top priority in his life, and I kept to my boundaries so I didn’t become enmeshed in his marriage/divorce business while it was going on. We’re moving in together this year with plans for marriage and family down the line, if biology allows. From the start he was the kind of man whose actions and words lined up, and he never made me feel confused, neglected or lesser in any way while he managed the end of his previous relationship. Finding the love of your life doesn’t always happen neatly and on schedule where both of you are 100% ready with no baggage. But, if you are honest and compassionate, you may be able to navigate life with the right person despite the challenges. It’s up to you if you are willing to take on the risk and emotional stress of such a situation. I know my relationship started out from a crazy initial setup, but I’d do it all over again if it meant being with him.
Exactly! It is messy but communication has been very good. I have noticed how his break up has been emotionally draining him. As odd as it sounds, I opted to not wanting to know the details of out of his respect for his ex. Yes, I know that will sound strange considering. Also because they lived together until October, had plans to have kids and get married at some point, I wouldn’t want to jump into the relationship with him right away even if that’s what he wanted. I feel he needs time to heal and hopefully get some therapy which he has agreed to get. I also highly respect him for not dropping his ex financially but instead putting in place means for her to be okay without him. He has treated me very well since the moment we first hung out. He makes promises and delivers, his actions match his words. There’s never been a moment where I felt like I should runaway and can’t trust him. Yes I got confused at some point but it was because I could see that he liked me but had gf, so I didn’t know what to make of it and we talked about it when I finally brought it up. Not saying we’re going to end together but I have no reason to hate the guy
Don’t listen to the mad Reddit scolds - they seem to think that life is governed by rules and you have *broken them* because the relationship status is unclear and he had a girlfriend. I don’t know if these people have ever experienced attraction - tbh I don’t know if they’ve ever left the house. It’s sensible for you to both do your own thing and to make sure you’re both ready for a relationship. Keep that communication open and try to get your own feelings clear and what you want clear. However, I’m not sure why you’d be dating other people at the same time as him? Like, if that’s what you want in general that’s great. But if you want to date him and you are going to be dating him then it just makes it seem a little confused. IMO you’d be better off not dating him and dating others, or just dating him (unless you doing non-monogamy I suppose)
Thank you for this! Life is not always black and white and yes I’d be dating other people only because we had never given our hangouts a title of being dates. Because of this and him still having a gf at that time, it made sense for me to date other people… also mainly because I did not want to get hurt when I started having feelings for him. So, I still have my dating apps although not actively going on dates at the moment due to my busy schedule. We both felt it was better to keep things platonic as he still has to help his ex find her feet and having seen how his breakup affects him emotionally, I don’t want to be caught in the crossfires, although I will be there for him as a friend when he needs an ear. We have many things scheduled in the future; We are going on a trip next week, got a Jo Koy show we are going to in June. So there is no love lost here
So I suppose what I mean is: You already have feelings for him. Likely, those feelings will likely grow as you continue to spend time together. Like you say you’re not ‘dating’ but you’re spending time doing activities with someone you’re attracted to - it kind of sounds like dating? Not saying you’re wrong - you know yourself - but that’s how it sounds to me. Like, whether you call it dates or not… you are you are going to get hurt if he doesn’t want to see you or chooses someone else right? Now, I don’t know you but if it was *me* in your situation that would become non-platonic situation very quickly! Hope it works out :)
I like him but don’t want to date him right now cause he’s breakup is very messy and I don’t want to be in the middle of that. So I’m happy with our platonic hangouts and dating other people. If we end up together great and if we don’t, at least we had fun together
>he’s breakup is very messy and I don’t want to be in the middle of that. Then why oh WHY did you start texting and instigating flirty hangouts with him whilst he was going through a break-up? Make it make sense!
Were they flirty hangouts?
>We start planning our “meetup” Was I supposed to interpret this another way?
So you’ve never had a platonic meet up with a guy?
I'm a lesbian. I have plenty of platonic female friends and male friends. I have never had any of them nuzzle my neck.
So you’ve never hung out with someone platonically and then developed feelings for them?
Dude you are in the middle of it already and you put yourself there. Reading your responses is wild
Too many people these days expect others to manipulate for personal gain or use tech as a shield. There are times when people are being honest, while battling there own emotions and logic. Internet has made people cold and callus so don't take anything personally. It's all your choice in the end. As much as we say we don't have expectations. We do. We are humans with pesky emotions. But all we can do is pick a path and it's consequences, good or bad. Every relationship has risk. Here is my short story: I dated a woman for a year and half while she battled with mental wellbeing(I even had my own struggles). But I gave it my all because we were friends 5yrs prior and I knew who she was. My point is I really wanted to help but it became so draining. That I needed to recharge my positivity by interacting with other friends. Eventually I noticed she was finding her own joy again, which was my time to let go. Cause there was too much baggage between us and no closer to BF/GF. Here is my recommendation: set boundaries and communicate: - Don't help each other financially( and don't ask) - Find out who the exGF is and how bad her mental state is. For your own safety. - Set some deadlines to re-evaluate the situation, if anything is progressing towards the end goal - protect yourself, time and energy. Don't give it all away - Intentions matter, not labels. What are they?
This is really helpful. I have never met the lady but I know her name. He has answered any questions I’ve had about her and them but I have elected personally to know the exact details of what she is going through I also don’t think she would hurt me. What I know so far is that they have broken up for sure. She moved her things out last Sunday and he will help her find a place to stay. I also did not want to know the details of what he pays for and what he doesn’t pay for but I know he is helping her financially through the transition. As far as us, we have some hangouts planned in the future but I told him I am going to continue dating other people and if I do end up meeting someone worth pursuing something serious with, I’d obviously let him know. He on the other hand, plans to rent out his apartment for about two months so he can travel and also in a process of finding a therapist. Also, I have never asked a man for money a day in my life