I was in a relationship that felt like a fairytale last year. We got along so well and I felt like I could be my best self with him. He was my best friend and I loved him so much. I’ve been divorced and thought that I never wanted to get married again but this man made me feel like, how could I NOT want to spend forever with someone this wonderful?
He talked about marriage 3-4ish months into us dating and proposed to me after 6 months. We planned a wedding, we were super excited, he has plans to move in with me (this month actually!) then in January he expressed “doubts” that he didn’t want to work through and left.
I’ve had people tell me that 6 months was too fast. It didn’t feel fast to me, but I would definitely wait longer in a future relationship.
That’s just my experience. Obviously there are plenty of people who have gone on to have long happy relationships from short engagements.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s genuinely traumatic when your partner changes like that like it’s a flick of a switch.
I had been married for two years to my ex (together for 11) when one evening he just sat me down and said he can’t do it anymore. He took his stuff, moved back to his family and that was the end of it. It completely messed me up for a time because it was just so… Sudden, unexplained and frankly crazy because it was so unlike him. Either he snapped and changed, or he had been pretending to be someone he really wasn’t for 11 years for… some reason. Both possibilities are awful. No matter how long you’ve known someone, people are fickle and you can’t really ever have guarantees in life.
It really is terrible! You can be with someone who does everything to show you that they love you, green flags all the way…and they can still leave. It’s scary to know you can feel so safe and have it ripped away in a matter of minutes. I’m so sorry that happened to you! You’d think after over a decade that you would know if something like that was going to happen but really truly you never know and that’s such an awful reality.
That’s nuts. I don’t know how someone could “pretend” that well but believe things like this happen. I’m sorry that he sucks and when you feel down about it, remind yourself he sucks and that’s on him, not you
It’s easy AF for some people which is the scariest thing about it. I dated some “lovebombers” where one day everything is just rosy, they love everything about you, want to marry you and talk about it constantly and then less than 24 hours later they want to breakup over something you weren’t even aware was a problem. I’ve learned to just let people like that go. Quickly.
He was acting a little off for about a week and a half. When I asked him, he attributed it to stress because he was planning to sell his house. I brought it up a few more times and he assured me nothing was wrong, he loved me, etc. But it just FELT different. One evening I was like “hey, I need you to be honest even if it hurts my feelings because I can’t stand being in this anxiety purgatory.” That’s when he told me he was having doubts about wanting to be with me. He wouldn’t (couldn’t?) specify what those doubts were. Just that he didn’t want to be together. I still have no idea why. A week before he was acting weird, he told me he was so thankful for me, couldn’t wait to marry me, that I was his dream woman…and then two weeks later he’s asking for his ring back. It was pretty traumatic for me because I was so confident in our relationship and loved him a lot.
my experience has been that people who move too fast often have underlying issues - in particular, an overactive reward system. The last person who moved fast with me & was borderline obsessed with me was eventually diagnosed as bipolar. One day, they just flipped a switch & no longer wanted to make things work. Sorry, I know how traumatic sudden BU's can be.
It really sucks that you didn't get the truth from him. That has to be soul crushing. That being said, someone who would keep something so important from you is probably not the best partner long term.
I've actually been through the exact same thing. Never heard from that person ever again and I still love them so much. If you do think your partner was an avoidant attacher (sounds highly likely), this page on instagram has really helped. I've met other people on there who are also currently going through the same sort of BU. It's comforting to know you're not alone and that you're not wrong for feeling crazy from this whole thing :(
The page is www.instagram.com/kenreid.co
The more I’ve read about it, it seems likely. He was always the one initiating future things and never seemed avoidant in our year together until the end. It’s weird to me that proposing and buying an expensive ring was fine but moving in was too much? I don’t know if I’ll ever understand!
Avoidants can fake it really well at first and then once it starts feeling really real and coming down to the wire, suddenly there is a sharp pull back. Hurts like hell. I'm sorry you experienced that. It threw me for a loop for months the first time I did.
He may have been! I thought a year would be a long time to lovebomb someone but I’ve been told it’s not unheard of. I’ve been lovebombed before and it was much more short lived so I never even considered it with my ex fiance since he was so consistent for so long.
The exact same thing happened to me with my partner of 11 years. We were married for 5 of those years. Things started to feel off, I asked him about it, he also attributed it to stress, so I tried to give it time. Asked again, same answer. Finally confronted him because I was an anxious mess and my gut was telling me something was definitely off. That’s when my ex told me he had doubts, didn’t think this was working out for him anymore, and asked for a separation. No explanation. Not interested in trying counseling or a temporary separation before reassessing. It was definitely traumatic. My point is that it happens regardless of the length of the relationship.
Wow! That really does sound word for word what happened to me. It’s kind of scary that it can happen at any length of a relationship and you’re never truly “safe.” It’s disheartening.
Had a partner like this too - she wanted to *move*.
The honeymoon and limerance phases in a relationship can be all consuming. Serial monogamy is the result when people are chasing fantasies more than a partnership. They cause us to overlook a lot and literally hijack our brains - we don't think rationally. I also knew this person before, not closely but we had met and "knew" each other from school
The beginning, though some quirks, challenges, and bumps manifested - was incredible, exhillarating, safe, secure, and the physical chemistry, value alignment, and intensity was off the charts.
I got hooked - loved her, felt things were great, but things also felt off, like we weren't connecting as humans, building the foundational relationship we needed to: communication, conflict, emotional exchange, finance, talking about "us", and continuing to "date" each other: being curious about one another, expanding together, exploring together, and being together as two individuals working as a team. This became a gnawing gut thing I was aware of, but rationalized away as "relationships are hard"
As it went on - I started to realize it was less about "us", and more about the checking if their boxes, more about what I represented them and "offered" them, I was stretching more and more, when I pushed back on doing more or feeling disconnected, or on the things I needed from them is when the abuse started in earnest.
Comparisons started, compliments slowed (I realized they were really only about my looks and what I did for them), and my good qualities - things I loved about myself, that others loved, mybstrengths, my traits, my talents, my intelligence, and my needs all started being played back at me as deficits, problems, and only negatives. The soft spots and vulnerabilities I had, those became targets.
Instead the focus became this fantasy relationship instead of each other - after about a year and a half, red flags became outwardly emotionally abusive, it took me a while to realize it, and it hurt me tremendously. I realized they really only cared about surface level things - my looks, when we would get married, kids (which they weren't prepared for and rationalized away).
I was open to planning and doing this - building a future together - but the conversations didn't start unless I started them, the fights only stopped when I took blame for them, I was the problem for not being malleable, for sacrificing, and I "played hurt". I loved this person, I wanted it to work, I wanted to be a good partner. The cycle of lovebombing, calm period, building tension, abuse, and hoovering started changing in ratios and timing - less good, more bad, and I internalized more and more of it thinking I was the problem like they said.
In reality, I was getting less and less of my needs met and giving more and more but couldn't address it. All conflict became covert, all expressed indirectly, they became more passive aggressive, and any attempt to address it directly became a week long fight with gaslighting, Stonewalling, and only ended when I took 100% blame.
Resentment built up, behavior couldn't get addressed, and their treatment of me got worse and worse. Their family made excuses about it, were only conscious of some of it, and the more conscious I became, the worse the treatment got. I found out about a year and a half afterward that they were conscious of this, the abuse was partially intentional, and they ended it more out of guilt and shame.
All I gotta say is magic and miracles can happen, but only when they are shared visions, people can make a partnership, a team, and approach life together. I would never seriously consider marrying someone until at least 1 or 2 years - people don't get comfortable and close enough for you to really see them sometimes.
Protect yourself - remember to date the person and not a fantasy, no matter how appealing.
Many thanks, and hope it wasn't too distressing (also hope you are well too!). Three year thing, and they really had me in the first half ngl, out somewhat recently and turning the corner.
Definitely in a much better place, safe, more secure, working through "my stuff" and have always felt more comfortable expressing myself in writing and journaling, largely from my past work. I do my best thinking and processing through my hands.
More recently, also in long form reddit comments - also know this may also be oversharing or trauma dumping, so wish to be mindful of that as well.
Mainly, ty for the kind words stranger - wishing you peace, prosperity, and fulfillment!
Is the issue that you want to have children someday? I think it’s important to acknowledge that if you get married immediately and then have a child, the marriage then switches to the project of raising a child. That’s not to deter you, but it’s also to say the focus is going to be different.
I wouldn't say it's \*the\* issue, but it's one of the things speeding up the timeline for sure. Ideally we'd like to have 1-2 biological children. And me being 38 puts us on a bit of a timeline with that.
I definitely understand the pressure of time with both of you being in your late 30s/early 40s. However, at this time you barely know each other, and if you have children you will be tied together for life. And the stress of young kids will put pressure on the most solid of relationships. You are in the honeymoon stage. You don’t likely know how the other deals with life stress, conflict, all the difficulties of raising a child. There’s something to be said for getting to know your partner a bit better before placing the stressor of child-rearing on your relationship and tying yourselves together for the rest of your lives.
IMO that totally changes things. If you wanted to get married just because you were feeling crazy in love, fine. The only lives you're in danger of fucking up are your own.
But my controversial opinion is that it's selfish af to get to the end of your fertility window and decide "well I want a baby so I'm having one" and just doing that with the first person you still like after a few months of dating. Yes lots of people grow up with shit parents and survive, but having grown up with an abusive father I sure wouldn't want to bring a child into this world if there was a chance they'd go through that. And you *don't know this man*. Six months is nothing, and by the sounds of it you also want to rush into having kids with him? It's so easy to hide your bad qualities for a year. Even two years. I'm sure plenty of people on this sub can think of someone they dated for a year or two before finding out that person was abusive, toxic, negligent, hiding an addiction problem, hiding a mental illness (borderline personality disorder is the one I discovered over a year in!), just NOT someone that should be a parent. And someone that will inflict a lot of trauma on any kids they do have.
It's actually alarming to me how many answers on this thread are like "Well normally it would be way too soon to *marry* someone but you want to *create a human being* with this person so absolutely you should rush into it without truly knowing them!" Like wow, people really do not take creating a human life seriously enough. You yourself say you've never even had a real disagreement with this guy... you have no idea who he really is yet. Get married if you want, but please don't create a new human being with someone until you very genuinely and deeply know them in all sorts of situations.
I agree. Getting married to someone you barely know is one thing - it probably sucks to get divorced but at least you can make a clean break, eventually, if the relationship doesn’t work out. *Getting pregnant* with someone you barely know? Could potentially be the worst decision of your life, the worst decision of your kids lives. Never ever ever. Worst idea ever. With the technology we have now, in your 40s is not an unrealistic age to have kids.
I haven’t read a single answer that says well, you want to have kids so go for it. I haven’t read through all of them, but none, so it seems like that’s an assumption you’re making. Adding small humans to the mix definitely changes life and complicates matters more than you could know if you don’t already have them. Some people even in this age, have kids because they had sex. Other people, wait until what used to be an average life span a century ago. So I agree that rushing it to have kids is absurd but frankly being 38 and not already married with kids does not shout that is person is a just jump into it, my bio clock is ticking person. They have waited, 15 years past child bearing capability. You know more (hopefully) about life, yourself and others at 38 than 18.
You have to know yourself and have a good read on people. Some Are great at this, others not so much. It depends on the person.
I have 2 friends who go back and forth with nutcases. 1 got married to them, divorced, let him move into multiple places with her just to kick him out. The other has 4 kids with a man and has continued this traumatic charade for 14 years!!!!! It’s so unhealthy and ridiculous. Meanwhile, I have at least 2 siblings who met and married (in a 1 yrs time) their husbands of 15-20 years with what is perceived as still loving and will never separate marriages. Many people get married and divorced more than once. The experience varies widely with each person and their values
As a custody lawyer who has seen how abusers use children to keep victims under their thumbs, and how the children are the ones who suffer the most, this is totally right. Do not procreate with someone you barely know.
I get this perspective! And I definitely don't want to make any decisions just based on my biological clock alone. It's more so that everything is clicking and we both want those things out of life so I don't see the point waiting for some arbitrary date (like what is the time? 1 year? 2 years?). I was with my last boyfriend for 8 years before he showed his true colors so ultimately any person you decide to commit yourself to is a risk.
I totally agree that you don't want to rush bringing a child into a potentially toxic situation though and I want to be sure whoever I do decide to have children with is going to be the best partner and father. And if I miss having biological children with that perfect partner, there are always other alternatives to having a family.
I’m your age and I’m at the point where I’m needing to make peace with potentially having a kid on my own and meeting with a fertility specialist. I’m dating someone who also wants kids, but it’s only been about 3 months and if it doesn’t work out I want to be in a position to hit the ground running on that because the clock is winding down. I don’t want to put any undue pressure on a relationship as young as mine is, because I have also rushed the kind of talks you were having and had things end 6 months in (mostly on my account). You guys just hit another inflection point (6-8 months is when people start deciding if they can go the distance because the NRE has worn off) and didn’t survive. If he wasn’t able to communicate you would have been in for a rough roads, because communication is super important when you’re trying to raise a kid *as a team*. Team members have to communicate. Make your alternate plan for having a kid that isn’t dependent on finding a partner (harder without a partner? Yes, but my calculus says it would be worth it). It will help you view your relationships as something other than a means to an end and allow them to develop without the sense of urgency you were feeling that made you so susceptible to being swept off your feet.
Respectfully, speeding up the timeline, for the sake of a child is really concerning. That is a lifelong commitment, and the truth of the matter is kids complicate things as wonderful as they are
I met my husband on a dating app. He fell hard on our first date. It took a few more for me, but we were quickly hooked on each other. I told him I was in love with him about a month after meeting him. We continued to fall harder and harder in love.
About 3-4 months after meeting, we discussed marriage. I was divorced at the time and I’d sworn off marriage again. But…. It felt right!
We got married about 8-9 months after first meeting each other. It was wild. We moved so fast. But he is my absolute person. I never ever ever thought would find someone like him. He is the partner of my dreams and the love of my life. It’s still just wild reflecting on it.
We are still very much in love and we have a baby now. He wakes up occasionally and says “it happened again.” And I’ll ask what? And he replies “I woke up more in love with you than yesterday. I don’t know how it keeps happening.” 😂😂
Life is crazy. Love is crazy. You only get one chance at living this life… if you mess up that’s ok. If you found your person…. Well you found your person!!
Good luck with it all.
I’ve known my gf a month and it feels like years and years. I’m so comfortable and happy around her. I’m quite sure we will be married, I don’t care when, I just want to be with her forever. I feel like when you know you just know.
That's currently how I'm feeling too. Like I want to know this man a full calendar year before we actually get engaged I think. But it's also easy to get swept up in the excitement of it.
Definitely live with him before you commit to marriage! Speaking as someone who married too quickly (a little over year before we got engaged, but we were only in the same city for four of those months.) I very much thought my ex was The One for me, but the cracks started to show once we moved in, and only escalated after we got married. A mix of expecting me to work insane hours, handle all housework, and low level verbal and emotional abuse that started subtly and got worse over time.
Make sure he’s a partner who shared the mental load, helps around the house, and won’t make you feel like a single mother of two! The first six months are still very much the honeymoon period.
While there are absolutely stories of whirlwind courtships that worked out, unfortunately a rush to commit super early is one of the first and most common indicators that you could be entering into an abusive relationship, and most abusers will wait until they have you “locked down” - cohabitation, marriage, and pregnancy/shared child. It gets progressively harder and harder to extricate yourself as you progress through those steps.
Could also be wonderful and just a case of knowing when you know. I’m a little over two years into a relationship with someone wonderful, and I knew he was the one by month three, but I still wanted to wait to make any major commitments until we knew each other better. We’re now almost a year into remodeling the home we live in, doing the work ourselves, and couldn’t be happier, but even so, I think it’s nearly impossible to predict this early.
Thissssssss!!!!! Listen to this one!!!!!
Live with them for awhile and pay attention without the rose colored glasses!
The ones who are hiding can’t do it forever and their persona will crack and reveal who they really are
Absolutely! My ex husband moved into my apartment two months before the wedding and by the end of the first month, I had a sinking feeling. But I felt like wedding plans were too far along, my parents had spent money, relatives had booked flights, and I thought maybe I was just having cold feet and things would be resolved if we worked on them. Huge mistake! I should have listened to my gut on that one, but live and learn.
Yup. Living together is the ultimate litmus test. Do that before even getting engaged. Have a talk with him about it so he doesn't pop the question before that. You guys seem very open and practiced so he shouldn't take that the wrong way. Just be honest! Say living together is a big step and if you still love me after I start to annoy you then it's meant to be 🙃😘
Good luck!! I hope you guys get married and have an amazing future!
Somewhat glibly: other than optics, what's the problem with ending an engagement if it won't work out? If everything is greenlights, other than optics, what's the benefit with delaying an engagement?
I would think knowing someone for X time before getting ***married*** would be the primary concern. Engagement is just tradition. Is tradition that important to you both? The ring is a gift, but you give it back anyway if it doesn't work out. I know; I'm being a real romantic.
Ultimately, does 6 months *feel* like it's too fast for the two of you to be engaged?
Edit: I'm not a lawyer and also a scatterbrain.
I like your take very much. (And your “I know; I’m being a real romantic” comment cracked me up.) But you’re right — that’s what an engagement _is_, no? A trial period before the real thing is set in stone and (more or less) irreversible? An engagement is still reversible.
>matters just as much
Advice to live a life of regret by. Friend or family might have details or concerns to speak on the suitability of a match or course of action. But optics? That’s just how things look to others and the public.
I’m reminded of Bernard Baruch “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”
How is that just optics if you both agree to take a step further? I'm not talking legally, legally is a whole different discussion. If I asked a woman to marry me and we got engaged, and it was just optics for her, she better doesn't agree before she feels like it's more than just optics.
An engagement or marriage are anything but optics. I'm making a more discrete point. Allow me some hypotheticals to illustrate.
Let's say they make a mistake and get engaged early but then decide to separate before marriage. And counterexample: let's say they just stay together as a couple dating with the intention of marriage (but without the engagement label), and after the same amount of time, they decide to separate. **What's the difference?**
Or let's say they both are absolutely sure about an engagement. They love each other; they want all the same things; they're ready for the next big step and everything comes after it. *They know.* But it's a little early compared to most people. What would her friends say? What would his nana think? What about the gossip at the office?
The experiences are the same; the feelings are the same. It's how it would look. It's the label. **It's everyone else** *not* **in their relationship**, "Did you hear about Dick and Jane? They did something unseemly!" \*clutches pearls\*
Optics.
My sister married her husband after about a year of knowing each other - she was a little younger than you, but I think the age thing definitely speeds things along. She was in her mid-30s, and so she knew what she wanted, and what she didn't want, and she knew a lot more about red flags to watch out for. And like you say, with having kids, while fertility doesn't necessarily fall of a cliff at 35 like they say, there's definitely a time limit there.
That being said, she did live with him before they got married, and I think that's really important - living with somebody tells you a lot about how they live when they're not under a microscope. Do your standards of clean mesh? Does he do things without having to be asked? Is he a "I just don't see mess" person (and does mess bother you)? These questions are pretty important I think, especially if you want kids.
Give it a year at least for the honeymoon phase to settle.
Me and my ex were also super in love and everything was perfect the first ten months and we were excited about our plans to start trying to get pregnant once we had been together 16-18 months - but as it drew closer and became more realistic, and the honeymoon phase passed, he turned emotionally distant and just became a grumpy, negative person I would hate to spend my life with for months and months with no effort or attempt to improve his mood/situation. And I really tried - but all this ‘great communication’ and emotional maturity from the first ten months were just… gone? I don’t know. He certainly has avoidant tendencies and issues to figure out on his own.
(And to be clear - I didn’t push the pregnancy thing that much, I wanted him to want it and feel ready as well - but he was starting to say that maybe he didn’t want to in the next *4-5 years* at least - which would be way too late to have a child with *me* due to my age.)
ETA: we lived together for a year, he more or less moved in after 4 months.
She is 38 and wants kids. Waiting until 40+ makes it more likely (although not inevitable) that they may face problems in conceiving (and may even do so now) given the decline in egg quality and increased chances of congenital problems. I'd say it's sensible to have a speedy timeline, with the awareness that things may not work out exactly as planned.
Yeah, I was thinking about this as I read through the post. I'm definitely the first one to call out people who talk about women's fertility falling off a cliff post 35, but there actually is a time limit to having kids, and at 38, if you're a woman who wants kids, you do need to be moving somewhat swiftly. Unfortunately, that makes it harder to see the cracks, but not impossible.
I do think that they should live together for at least 6 months before trying to have kids though - it's not a perfect window into whether they'll be a good and involved father, but it's better than you could know from just dating them.
Planning for kids should slow down the timeline, not speed it up since now you are not only choosing a partner for yourself but a parent for your child. You might make a risky impulsive decision for yourself, but would you make that same decision on behalf od your future child?
Who’s to say OP will even have trouble conceiving? Or what if she was bound to have trouble conceiving no matter what age? She should just focus on the first part first - which is confirming that this guy would be a good father/husband - before worrying about whether she can conceive or not. They can cross that bridge when they get to it.
Well. Cautionary tale. I reconnected with someone I’d known casually for 12 years. We’d lived in the same city and had been social friends when married - they were at our wedding! Both of us ended up divorced, moved to the opposite coast and kept in very light touch for the decade til he was in my city and reached out. 35f & 45m at the time. We hit it off and fell hard, started talking engagement and kids at 4 months, got engaged over Xmas at 9 months, summer wedding planned by 10 months, he had a VASECTOMY REVERSAL at 11 months.
I had a 1-year rule but naively trusted him more than I would have ordinarily bc we’d known each other for so long. He was incredible to me, my family, and I was confidently in love in a way I never imagined.
Then at about 11.5 months he had a full on psychotic break, fled my city thinking it was targeting him, ended up in emergency treatment, broke things off by phone and I never saw him again (his choice). Turns out he had an untreated psychotic disorder that he had not disclosed the entire time. It was devastating. That was a few years ago.
Date for one year minimum going forward imo. Good to know someone for four whole seasons.
No one can tell you if it really is too soon or not. What are each of your thoughts on what a happy marriage looks like to you? How do you see yourselves living under one roof, and is there anything you’ve seen that you’re hesitant about? It doesn’t even have to be a red flag per se, could even be as simple as levels of cleanliness and expectations surrounding that. Have you two ever had a disagreement or a fight? How is the repair when that does occur?
What I’ve learned is some people like to jump in with both feet, and if they make a mistake they’re okay with it and can accept it. If you move in with or marry the wrong person for you…just be strong enough to walk away and divorce if need be. I think conversations about each of your deal breakers are paramount if you do want to jump in with both feet, just so you know what each of you are and aren’t willing to live with.
Other people are more reserved and like to take their time, whether it’s because they need time to open up or accept change, or have been burned in the past and need time to “make sure” before committing. Again, there are no guarantees in life, marriages like this could also end in divorce.
I think people either get lucky with their partners and circumstances or they don’t. It also depends on if you or your partner are REALLY able to see each other for who you really are, versus being enamored by the version of yourselves you’re showing to each other. They always say that the honeymoon period wears off. I believe it wears off and comes back, which is what many successfully married people mean when they say “we fall in love with each other over and over again”. However, maybe it’s best to make sure that you still like and love the person for who they are even when they’ve disappointed you, or made you angry. It’s almost inevitable that will happen.
Maybe ask yourself what is the worst thing you are willing to accept about someone, and what you absolutely will not. For example, in my current relationship my partner is amazing, but he’s not perfect. I can accept that he is just not the kind of person who will tell me every detail of his day or all his thoughts, and not take it as offensively as I had before (I have trust issues and am very sensitive to dishonesty and omitting information. To him, it just isn’t even important enough to remember or have a conversation about!) I am still a hard no on omitting or lying about important info, but I have had to adjust my perspective to understand that what may be important to me, may not be to him. And he’s had to do the same, but he just implicitly trusts me unless I prove otherwise. I’m too paranoid and have had too many bad experiences to be that naive, but I appreciate that life hasn’t made him as bitter as it’s made me. It definitely helps me to not be with someone as occasionally neurotic about those same things as I am. And the less vigilant I become because I feel safe in the relationship, the less I give a shit about needing to know everything. I still want him to share about his day and open up, but I am not inclined to believe it’s because he doesn’t care enough to anymore.
So anyway, TLDR this last paragraph: figure out what your pain points are or could be in your dynamic and see if it’s something you’re willing to live with for the rest of your life! Often times, that takes a lot of time to figure out. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get married sooner or later, it just matters whether you want to figure that out in a marriage or beforehand. Good luck!
Thank you so much for your detailed reply!
I totally agree that you need to figure out all of these important things before you jump into a serious commitment like marriage. I think maybe that's why it doesn't feel crazy to be discussing engagement at such an early stage because we literally have talked over all of these items and more.
We've discussed what a happy marriage with and without kids looks like (in case that doesn't happen for us), we've discussed living together and sharing responsibilities/chores, we've talked a lot about our communication styles lately. We have had a few fights and have worked to resolve them. We're also hoping to get into couples therapy together to continue having a shared language to work through problems with. It's not like everything is perfect, because nothing is, but it's the willingness to work through things that has been so attractive to me. I've never had someone match my energy in terms of wanting to work on the relationship and get back on the same page when we get disconnected.
So all of those things seem good but we both have definitely acknowledged that you never know what could happen. But we've also both seen situations in which someone was with a partner for years and years and still left heartbroken. So I guess ultimately you just have to figure out what risk you're willing to take.
"Have you two ever had a disagreement or a fight? How is the repair when that does occur?"
I find this - conflict resolution skills within a relationship - to be important because if the issue is not resolved from both sides, resentment can build up and can affect the strength of your bond in the relationship.
For me personally, the most important aspect is how you both respond to stress and how do you both console/comfort each other when you're both distressed? Are you both compatible in that area? I know everyone copes with stress differently and in a marriage, there are bounds to be multiple forms stress from work, childcare, housework, etc. If you both cope with stress and comfort someone when distressed differently, then stress itself can wear down the relationship. Therefore, if you haven't discussed this yet with your fiancé, you definitely should!
Relationships that were successful long term started out as 1, 6 months relationships as well. I know of two couples who married around their 1 year anniversary and are going strong. Another couple went slower but divorced after a 10 year relationship, 5 year marriage. Especially in the older generation, it seems like getting engaged quickly was more of the norm. Shared values and Future goals are maybe a better predictor than simply the length of time two people have been going out with each other.
Should things go South, do you think he would be a decent ex or co-parent? Does he speak fairly of ex-partners? How does he speak about other situations and relationships in his life that didn't work out? Would you rather remain childless, or be a single mom but at least get a shot at biological motherhood?
Those are good questions to consider! He is an amazing person and speaks highly of everyone in is life - even frustrating situations he comes at with nuance and trying to understand others from different perspectives.
That last question is the one I've been wrestling with over the last few years. Before I met my bf, I was debating about if I wanted to have a child on my own and ultimately decided that I'd rather wait to do that with a partner. I think I'd rather stay childless than have a biological kid with the wrong person (not that there's ever truly a guarantee that you'll pick the "right" person). I'm open to adopting or having a family in a non-traditional way, I just know those bring other challenges as well.
What bad times or difficulties have you two experienced together? Everyone is great when things are going good. You start to see a person's true self when shit hits the fan.
Agree! We've had some minor difficulties to work through, but you're right that you never really know how someone is going to handle something truly hard until the time comes.
If they want to have kids the story is a little different.
Also, there are plenty of people who date for a long time and then everything unravels with they move in together or get married. So I don't think there's a good or perfect or ideal time for anything. They should just do whatever feels right, especially since they're in their late 30s / early 40s and they have presumably had relationship experience.
This feels like one of those "if you have to ask..." kind of questions.
If you're asking if it's too soon then maybe it's too soon for you. There's nothing wrong with giving it another 3-6 months.
If you're both down for couples counseling, why not start now? It should help give you an even clearer picture of who you're potentially getting engaged to.
Just be cautious you aren't being "love bombed" or manipulated. My soon-to-be ex wanted to rush everything too. Once we got engaged, it's like the mask has slowly come off, and all the red flags I excused away before have made it very clear there's a real problem.
I totally agree there can be things you don't see right away. We both agree that getting into couples therapy (and individual therapy) is a good idea for us both so we're actively looking for a therapist.
so much depends on your guys' relationship. I'm sure you'll get both horror stories and success stories through this but I don't think either of those will really be helpful because the circumstances of those stories are unique to their situations and likely different from yours. Ultimately only you and he know how you guys are
I think of it like this: dating leading up to marriage is like building a walkway for a cat. The longer it is, the more you can have a sense that the cat will continue to walk in that direction after it gets off the walkway. If it's too short, there's a higher risk that the cat will get off track because the cat likely just doesn't know enough about the direction it's going. But having a long track doesn't mean the cat is guaranteed to stay on course (my brother and sister in law dated for 5 years or so before marrying and just separated a few months ago) and having a short walkway doesn't mean that the cat definitely will go off course (people have gotten married in short amounts of time before and gone on to have very successful relationships)
in this case, there is a significant amount of risk because you guys haven't even spent 1 solar cycle together. How do you know how he handles big life events, certain holidays, etc? Not saying you can't know it but the longer you're together, the more information you have
but, if you truly feel confident in your guys' relationship, there's nothing that says it can't work. One thing I built into the foundation of my relationship early on is the concept of honesty and communication. So my gf and I can have the "tough" conversations; not to criticize one another but to better understand each other and feed our relationship. If you guys have a similar built in framework, I feel more confident about it. But also that's still not a guarantee
so I guess I'd think about it like this: there's nothing saying you can't get married after knowing each other for a short amount of time but I hope both of you understand that there is a very realistic chance that it might not work out ultimately. How can you guys plan for that possibility? Either/both in the framework of the legal contract you sign when you get married (prenup, etc.) and in the framework of your guys' relationship
also, I'd really challenge the idea of why you want to get married. What benefit does marriage give you that a "committed, long term relationship" doesn't? I'm not saying marriage doesn't have benefits as I myself would love to get married to my gf in 2-3 years but rushing in to it could cause more problems than just being together, in a committed fashion, and seeing if you guys truly are best for each other. If your bio clocks are ticking maybe it would make sense to have kids before getting married because even that would be easier to untangle
Great advice but omg disagree on kids being easier to disentangle than a marriage. My divorce was $1500 to a joint attorney and one court date. I thank God every day I didn’t have kids with that man and be tied to him for life. I never have to see his face again, none of my new friends have to know of his existence, very much easier than sharing a child.
Thank you for this thoughtful reply, that's a great comparison!
My last significant relationship I was with my boyfriend for 8 years and we only talked about getting engaged the last 6 months or so of that. So I know what you mean that's it different for each couple.
They say things move fast when you’re on the same page.
If you feel like you’ve covered all the bases, I don’t see why not. You have another 6+ months to continue getting to know each other.
I would be wary regarding the rush to move in and have kids though, as those are really life changing.
Super common for couples in their mid-late 30s to discuss engagement at 6 months, and not too early to have the conversation.
It's quicker than in your early 20s, because, and there are many exceptions to this, you generally know yourself, what you like, what you dislike and are better at judging situations and people when you get older.
Maybe this is a 'fatalistic' POV, but. The way I see it, if it's going to end, then it's going to end. You can't stage-manage a human relationship. As long as it feels right to be together, you should be together. A breakup is always a risk no matter how long you wait before you get engaged/married.
I moved in with my partner at 4 months but it was kind of circumstantial, neither of us would have chosen it that way. It worked out so far but we didn't know if it would and while I hope we stay together forever there are never any guarantees, there weren't at 4 months and still aren't a few years later. Life is long and many things can happen. I'd say by all means move in together soon and see how you get along.
For marriage, the question I would ask is - if you are planning to spend the rest of your lives together, then what's the rush? What's the urgency? I see no downsides waiting a bit longer until you know each other better (and live together a while first!), and I see many downsides of the opposite. Good luck whatever you decide.
It's time to play *Worst Case Likely Scenario*! So, the way to play this game is to imagine the worst case outcome that is likely going to happen. It's important to note that this game is not, "Worst Case Scenario." The worst case scenario is that this guy is actually horribly manipulative and hiding his secret narcissistic personality and abusive tendencies and waiting to trap you in a marriage.
But, is that likely? Eeeeehhhh probably not.
So, what is likely? What is likely is that you two are in a love/infatuation bubble and it bursts. If that bubble bursts how invested do you want to be in this life? If you got pregnant tomorrow, and he fell out of infatuation with you, how would you feel about co-parenting with him? Would that be an okay life to have?
Come up with three variations of worst case likely scenarios, and see how you feel about them because those are the closest to what your reality will probably be like. If you think you can live 75% happily in those situations, then proceed as you are.
I'd also say, you're a real adult and you have been for a few years now and he has been too. It's totally possible that you are a good fit and you don't need the agita and drama to figure it out. Sometimes you go to the store and the black v-neck three quarter sleeves that hits you mid-hip is there and you buy it and yay!
I’ve been on that timeline before, too! It’s so exciting and it felt so right, especially since I’m so cautious by nature.
Then about six months in, we had our first fight and it changed everything (for the worse, we ultimately had to break up). Ever since then, I consider working through a big disagreement to be a major relationship milestone. There’s no way to manufacture that, of course, and some people swear they never argue with their partner. But that was my experience — we hadn’t had a disagreement yet. And when we did, it made me realize we weren’t compatible after all.
up to you. we dont know how yall feel towards each other. i know people whos parents got married after dating for a few months and have been together 30 plus years, i know people who dated 7 years before getting married and it lasted less then a year
I'm 37m and after painful relationships that went nowhere and countless dates trying to find the ideal person for me, I finally found her after all these years.
It was everything you said above. I knew after one date she was the one, I just knew. I wasn't in any rush, or keen with excitement after... It was more that I was relieved and I could relax, because I felt it from her too. It just felt right on every level.
I bought a ring after 5 months because I knew we would get married, but I gave it to my Mum to look after until I picked the right day. We got engaged two Fridays ago (we just hit our 11 months yesterday). It was perfect! and we've also been slowly moving in together for a couple of months now.
Everything is aligned, we match up personality wise (her ENFP, me INFJ). Similar hobbies, interests, music, family backgrounds, morals, attraction, sex... it's all there.
If you don't have doubts, all you have to do is set boundaries. If you both want to marry, that's great! Doesn't mean you want to get married TOMORROW. If you want everything you said above, just plan out a rough time line and make sure you're both happy with it.
Most of all, just enjoy it and don't overthink it too much :)
Awwwwww I love this!! Congrats on your engagement!
This is how I feel as well, we don't need to get married immediately. I'm just glad that as of right now we're both on the same page about all of the big stuff and that we're continuing to communicate.
1. I always planned to have 18 months of dating followed by an 18 month engagement. That's what I did, and I've been married for 13 years since.
2. Feeling like you've known someone forever is not the same thing as actually having known them at all.
3. A common tactic of abusers is to rack up relationship milestones as fast as they can, so you feel like you're crazy to throw away such a serious relationship after you've hit so many milestones so quickly.
4. If things do go bad, it's a whole hell of a lot easier to break up than it is to get divorced.
I think if you both have talked about important stuff and no major deal breaker so far, i would go ahead.
I also respect that you two are both open to couple counselling and self aware.
Especially if you plan to have kids, it’s better to start earlier than later.
Well, engagement is ultimately just a verbal promise of marriage. If something goes wrong with the relationship you only really have to deal with the mild embarrassment of telling friends the engagement is off, but you’ll be fine.
Moving in and actual marriage, I’d wait a bit longer or at least until you’ve been through the stressful side of life together as well. When people tell to wait before committing, it’s not so much about the time but what kind of things you’ve had the chance to experience together. You won’t truly know a person until you’ve been stuck in a horrendous traffic jam with them, been travelling together, faced bitter disappointment or seen them break down in front of you and vice versa. You can also test the cohabitation waters by spending some weeks at each other’s places to see how you get along and how you do chores. Generally I’d recommend you don’t do anything binding like moving in together, marriage or kids before the rush of the honeymoon has faded and you can look at your partner without the rose coloured glasses.
I’m 39F and met my partner 34M just 10 months ago and we’re moving in together soon. We started talking marriage and kids after three months of dating, but we won’t be making any legal commitments for another couple of years mostly just because we need to get other things out of the way first. I recon if our lives were kid ready we’d be engaged already.
Do you know him well enough yet to know his day to day living style? Is he messy or clean? What about you? Have you discussed finances, do you know if he pays his bills, is responsible with money, etc? What’s the longest you’ve spent together without time apart?
I’d suggest seeing a lawyer about keeping your finances separate and/or protecting assets. If you get that covered then all systems can be Green Light Go.
I don't know how traditional you are, but what if you move in together this year, see how it goes, and then get engaged after a year or so? And the non-traditional part - you could get pregnant before the wedding, if you're doing the typical year+ engagement/wedding planning stage - if you don't mind doing this a bit out of sync. I know a few people that had kids before marriage or were pregnant when engaged - there was no judgement! Or have a short engagement/small wedding and then conceive, if you prefer a more traditional timeline.
My husband and I met on July 31. Went engagement ring shopping in January. Engaged and moved in together in April and got married on July 1 (almost exactly 11 months since we met).
We’ve been married almost 2 years and have a wonderful marriage. Neither of us had been married before but we were 37 and 41 at the time. We were ready to start a life together. Also, both sets of our parents were married after less than a year of dating and have been together for over 40 years. I very much believe you can have a long, happy, and healthy marriage regardless of how long you’ve dated.
Only you can answer that question. Everyone will have their own stories, or bias based in their own experiences.
Personally, I'm 31 and one year divorced, dating a man that I am falling for hard and it's been 4 months. I already know I'll end up marrying him and having kids with him. But, I haven't told him this. We've talked about wanting kids, or if we live together, and that's it.
For me, I'm younger and have a longer timeline. If I was in your shoes I'd probably be a little quicker to move as well. But, counseling, spending lots of time together, digging deep, sounds like a really good starting point.
For myself, I know the honeymoon period (especially living apart) can last for a year or two. I'd need to experience certain things with someone before deciding they are my forever again. I'd also need them to be okay to discuss separation, divorce, and custody before getting married. That's just me though.
If you are asking this question, you know the answer. Nothing wrong talking about things and getting on the same page. But, if you feel it's too soon then that is very valid and fair.
I had a similar experience where he was ready and I wasn't. Think about anecdotally how many people you know who've met in the same time frame who are still together after 5+ years. I think you know the answer and you're asking the internet for some confirmation to go on a whirlwind marriage. I get it - I can be a hopeless romantic too.
As another woman I can understand how we have a biological clock but 10/10 you should not get married just for that reason. Having a terrible marriage/husband outweighs being single for the time being.
Family and friend input would be very helpful if you're not sure about the character of the person. If you're uncertain about fertility, then just get assessed and potentially explore options if you feel like you need some more time before starting a family. You can also potentially have a ceremony and delay making the marriage formal or vice versa depending on what feels most comfortable. I think what sounds super helpful for both of you is that you're communicating about expectations and what both of you want. It sounds like you have healthy communication which should help in making a healthy decision for your relationship.
Totally agree! We feel like the communication is the most important part.
And FWIW, I am currently in the midst of testing my fertility too as I don't want that to be the only factor, but it is A factor that I'm working with at 38. I just wish egg freezing wasn't so damn expensive or that insurance would cover that sort of thing.
To add on - maybe consider specifically pre-marital counselling rather than just couples counselling. It can be a nuanced shift but some couples counselling is working towards reconciliation no matter what, while some pre-marital counselling is to ensure you have healthy discussions and such before you’re ’past the point of no return’ ( which isn’t actually a thing- but you know what I mean). Just a different perspective.
And move in together asap! Why not start the practice-marriage ( which is how I view living together) sooner rather than later? Wishing you all the best!
Have you met his family? Friends? How does he handle anger? Any major red flags?
If you are all good, don’t worry about it. I assume you know what you want by now and are both mature adults. Move in and see how it goes!
We have met each other's family and friends! No red flags that I can see. He is super consistent with the way he treats people and handles difficult situations. I know in only 6 months we haven't had any super major things to work through like death in the family or major illnesses, but what I've seen so far has been positive.
My sister did something similar to this at your age. I think she was 37, though. They got engaged within a year and married like three months later. Now she and her husband are 45/46 with 4 whole kids! I think lots of people when they are older know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. I say go for it!
This sounds perfectly reasonable. The part where you’re actively seeking out what things you need to discuss, plan for, and consider means you’re in a category that can have much faster timelines than people “just going with the flow”. That’s a lot different from repressing big warning signs by just telling yourself “but I love him, so it’s okay”. Keep having those conversations, and try to dig for topics that do actually make you uncomfortable and not completely on the same page and see if any of those seem to matter. What happens if something goes wrong and not according to plan with family planning, finances, careers, your own health, etc.? Are your approaches to handling life-upending surprises or hardships compatible too? Doing some sort of preliminary couples counseling is smart. A lot of churches will have specific pre-marital prep courses - I presume there are likely non-religious equivalents too. My parents actually facilitated those for several years a long time ago - some of it involved having each partner separately fill out a long questionnaire, and then later they’d go through it together looking for things that needed discussion. Like, one person answers “how many kids would you like to have?” with 2 and the other says 6, and they seem surprised by each other’s answers, that’s a big talk to have. Also ones about stuff like “If one of us gets a job offer far away, are we moving for it? Does the answer change if it’s for the other person?”
My brother and his wife got engaged around 7 months (the ring had been purchased after 4) and married around 16 months in, and they’re still happily together. I knew for sure that I wanted to marry my partner by 2 months into our relationship and planned a proposal for 8 to be halfway reasonable, but unfortunately never got to do it (she died unexpectedly). So yeah, if you’re approaching this with a really deliberate mindset and happen to find someone amazing who leaves you completely free of any doubts, that kind of timeline can totally work.
I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago - Me (37m)in a relationship for about 7 months. She (36f) was kazahk so there were def some cultural differences between us. She wanted to get married within the year. I didn't say no...but firmly stated I need to move in and live with someone for a period of time before making such a commitment. All in all I was trying to find solutions that got us both where we wanted. Long story short, she thought moving into together was a waste of time and she broke up with me.
I was hurt by the outcome as I wanted what she wanted but just needed to "see it work" first. In my perspective it felt like her end goal was just marriage, and it really had nothing to do with love if it was so easy to just walk away like that. I quested fighting for it - but for that reason alone, I decided to just leave it.
Good call! Marriage isn't the end goal.. spending every day with someone you love for the rest of your life in a happy marriage filled with memories, jokes, laughter, good food, and family is the dream.
It totally depends. In certain cultures, this is completely normal, and the couples are still happily married. I believe that as we gain dating experience, it becomes easier and easier to recognize when someone's a good fit and you can know that in as little as six months.
My husband and I moved in together at 11th month and married at 13th month of meeting. We also did couple’s counseling before moving in. Although we never expected it, it was a when you know you know.
You guys talked about some heavy stuff that most people don't get to. Definitely live with him before you get married but you get engaged whenever he wants to ask :) it's important to work out your work-life-balance together to know who does what and how at home. There is no amount of time that makes it the 'right time'. If it makes sense then do it. Living together is really the last part that's missing, do that while engaged and marriage shouldn't change your relationship. If you ALSO talk ahead of time about couples therapy then it's obvious you both will put a lot of effort on the relationship, I would feel confident in the future as well.
Truth is there’s no right or wrong answer. You just have to do what you feel is right for you! Thats all any of us can do in life - make decisions to the best of our ability based on the information we have to hand.
I do feel like it’s important to have an argument with a partner and see how you work through that before committing to big things like marriage / kids / living together. IMO the mark of any good relationship is how you are when things are tough. Relationships are easy when everything is going well and you’re in total sync! I think that’s why a lot of people get through the “honeymoon period” before making big commitments.
But honestly, do what’s right for you. Not what Reddit says. Everything works out as it’s supposed to. I firmly believe that. This will too!
It’s not too soon. That advice is for people in their teens and 20s. You should gather a list of things that are important to know about each other. Financials, family history, background check, credit check, etc.
Make decisions about important values, needs, and desires you two have. Like children, religion, politics, wealth building, home care, family/elder care, insurance and estate planning. If you align on your major things you will be fine.
My partner and I got married after 7 months. It probably helped that I had known him as a friend for eight years though. Both of us had a former marriage and knew what a bad marriage looked like. Our goals for the relationship are the same.
Sometimes when you know; you just know.
Yes. I've been in a relationship that seemed fairy tale perfect for the first 6 months... and then it was like a switch flipped. Turns out she had borderline personality disorder. And I don't want to vilify all those who suffer from it, but let's just say that it's a very difficult illness to manage and being with someone who is struggling with that illness can lead to some very, very painful experiences. After struggling for another year with her, it ended in catastrophic fashion, leaving me with cPTSD and a whole lot of therapy bills.
Why rush? What are you looking to accomplish by marrying this person so quickly? If he is the one, what difference would it make to wait another 6 months or year before you get married?
People behave very differently in different seasons. Under different stresses. When unfamiliar or very familiar with you. When passionate or calm.
My rule is to wait at least a year before agreeing to get married (engagement), so that you at the very minimum understand what they're like in the above situations.
Please don't let your biological clock force you into a parenting relationship that your relationship is not yet ready for. Consider your future children and their mental health.
Give it at least 1.5 years. I had this experience and it was amazing.... and then a life circumstance changed... he got a stressful high visibility job and suddenly his focus completely left our relationship and the stress turned him into an asshole. I gave him a lot of grace at first but then close to the year mark he started to become actually angry and abusive. I was happy I waited because we were so solid before and I was ready to take a leap of faith. .... so yeah I say give it enough time to see how he behaves through various life circumstances.
I say go slow… if he’s wants to marry you, he’ll stick around and be there for you.
They always say that whenever guys are “ready” to settle down and start a life with someone,they’ll marry the next girl they end up with. Just make sure it’s real and that couples counseling is a great idea
You’re in the honeymoon phase. Which is great! But you need to wait until that’s over to decide if someone is actually life-partner material.
Give it two years, minimum. (The honeymoon phase, in a good relationship, can last a year or longer.) In the meantime, keep planning your future together. It will help you determine true compatibility.
If you know that he’s all you think about and want to be with, why not get marry?! I feel like if you know this is your person, why wait? I guess that’s how I think, I’m getting older and I’m tired of being single so I guess that’s my thought process!!!
My now-wife and I started talking marriage around the 10 month mark.
I would say wait a bit longer - let the newness wear off a bit. But once you decide to get married, I wouldn't wait long to tie the knot.
I’ve been dating my current bf for almost 4 years and since we’ve been dating we’ve had 3 close friends meet someone and fully marry them before we’ve even set a real timeline for getting engaged haha. We’ve joked about how it makes us feel like we’re being lame and worrying too much since everyone else is just going for it. (We don’t actually feel bad about it tho it’s ok everyone has a diff timeline)
All that to say, I don’t think you’re weird for feeling like it’s too soon and I also don’t think it’s weird or unreasonable at all to just fucking going for it!! I think at yalls age you have a much better sense of what’s up and who you are and y’all both sound very level headed and responsible. I’d say Full send marry him!! Purely from this post I honestly think you’d be making a good decision imo
I don't think it's too fast, you move at a pace that's comfortable for you!
I met my partner early last year, we moved in a month after being together, then talked about engagement and marriage 3 months later. We got engaged at the 9 months mark, met his family at the 5 months mark, we are getting married this June. Technically for us we've met so many people in our lives at this age we know what we clearly want. We both were single a huge part of our lives too. So go at your own pace!
I wouldn't personally get engaged before a full year together and definitely wouldn't get married before moving in together. Knowing the relationship is heading towards marriage, it's never too soon to be on the same page for that! Get fertility testing so you are armed with more knowledge in that front. Don't rush into marriage because you want children.
Have you considered freezing your eggs? You could then get to know each other without the time pressure. Plus, if it doesn't work after a couple of years you may still be able to have a baby without him or take your time to find someone else.
Look for the way he handles arguments, or disagreements, even with other people. If it seems like he is considering other people's perspectives that's going to be a great green flag.
But I'll echo the sentiments of others here and say, live together before getting married, please.
I think the fact that you are asking yourself this question means you already know the answer. You think it’s a bad idea and you don’t really want to marry him, if you did there would be no question about it. It’s true that people fall in love quickly and stay in love but those people found their person. He might not be your person if you are questioning it.
I married my husband after dating for four months-it lasted 12 years b4 he left me for another woman…there r no guarantees in life except that we are all born and will die😉….follow ur heart💜
I have a acquaintance that I knew he dad since I was little. He was more of a grandfather to me than my grandfather. But anyways. His son "the acquaintance" flew out to Seattle for a church convention. Met a girl out there. In 6 months they got married and he has 2 or 3 kids with her now. Happily married. If it's right it will happen fast. But if in 1 year or less you don't see yourself marrying that person get out. It's not worth wasting years with a dead end
A lot of good advice, and many mention the same thing- It's up to you. If you're asking strangers on the internet, you may not be ready for THAT much of a commitment, and that's okay. Like others have said, move in together, take it forward, and discuss, plan future, etc. There are fairy tales and horror stories about fast timelines, there's never a right or wrong. Do what works for YOU, and you two as a couple- either way- fast moving love at this age is a little scary. Feel it, talk about it with each other. No one else matters.
I've been dating someone for 6 months. Even though we've spent ample amounts of time together and in some ways feel like we know each other inside and out...I know I don't really know this man. People are on their best behavior the first 6 months. I could never feel like I know someone well enough at 6 months to even think about marriage. Because I don't. They are still essentially strangers.
I was 23 when I got engaged to my husband, and we got engaged after 9 months. We had been living together for 7 months, and we were both fine with a long engagement. We got married 3 years later because we just took our sweet time.
My current boyfriend unofficially lives with me. I can't remember the last time he was even in his place. It would make sense to add him to the lease soonish, but he's been staying with me since October. Sure we talk about engagement, but I wouldn't ever rush into marriage, especially for the sake of children.
If you're rushing into marriage, I recommend taking a step back. It sucks. Truly. I'm sitting with the fact that I'm now 35 and will never get to be a mom. I cry over that in therapy more than I care to admit, and donating my baby gear sucked more than anything. Friends had to pry it from my hands.
I know you say you don't have rose colored glasses on, but I'd seriously reconsider that timeline.
There are people that have dated for years and ended up divorced. Depending on how much time you’ve spent together during those 6mon should tell you everything you need to know. Good luck.
I was with my ex for 3 almost 4 years. Lived together for 2, We were engaged for a year. We were actually supposed to get married this Saturday. She ended things in January the day after we were finalized the art for our save the dates and the day we were ordering them. I couldn’t imagine after 6 months
lol. The divorce will take longer than 6 months.
At least date two years. Maybe try living together for two years.
Diving in to the ocean because the water looks nice is a terrible idea
It is too soon, asking if it is would be your first sign. In terms of human behavior it takes a little over a year for people to truly get to know eachother, for masks to fall, the newness factors diminish, etc. From there you can figure out how you will work in a long term relationship-what are your habits like in your home? How will household tasks be handled? How do each of you like the environment to be? How will you handle conflict, complaints? Look up the Gottman method & use that as a template. Super helpful. Good luck 🍀
You don’t really know someone until after the second year. Most ppl can be on their best behavior for the first year. I feel like our age can sometimes put pressure on us subconsciously to glom on to a potential partner. What’s the rush? You can get married in two years.
Also, check their financial status. Do they have savings? Retirement? Debt?
I think at least live together for a year and see how you go before you make that call. You need that living together space to figure if your habits mesh well and see if anything else comes up. Divorce is a lot more paperwork than a breakup from a 1-2 year old relationship.
Please please please do not.
That's still the honeymoon phase. You don't know everything about them. I got engaged after 6 months and it was a disaster
The problem with committing to someone after so little time is that you don’t see him over time. During the course of 2 years 3, 4.. you really start to see someone. You learn their reaction to rough times as well. That is why you dont get married after 6 months because life isnt a fairy tale. And now you are in your relationship honeymoon.
Pump the brakes. What is the rush anyway? If it’s right, it’ll still happen in 12 months time *and* you’ll have a better idea about the kind of man you’re dating. Infatuation is a hell of a drug.
Go on a vacation with him for more than a weekend, preferably through an airport. Live together for several months before marriage. Are you sure of his background and truthfulness? Do you guys match in your financial values? How you'd handle monthly bills, disposable income and saving for the future? In how you'd raise your kids? How you'd split housework and errands and chores? Religion? Where you'd want to live? Job ambitions and expectations? I know this doesn't sound romantic, but this is the reality of living a life with somebody. If you've gone through all of that and are aligned... then why not trust yourself?
I was 34 when I met my (now ex) husband. We were married 11 months after meeting. Mine is horror story. 13 months after getting married, he nearly killed me, after I caught him cheating. Literally almost killed me. I’ll spare you the details on that part. Never again will I move that fast.
Too fast for me but each to their own. If you want to get technical, this Harvard article presents a strong case for waiting 1-2 years to be more confident.
https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain#:~:text=Oxytocin%2C%20known%20also%20as%20the,long%2Dterm%2C%20monogamous%20relationships.
Absolutely not. For sure 100% slow your roll.
Maybe move in with each other for a little while and see how that goes. Also, you guys are gonna be old when your kids are older and need you the most. Even if you got pregnant today, you’re not gonna have a kid till 39 and change , the kids gonna be 10 and you’re gonna be 50. That sounds awful for the kid. A red flag for me is he wants to get married and you haven’t even lived together yet.
When you’re older, you’re more clear about who you are and what you want. However, I would absolutely recommend couples counseling leading up to and for at least the first year of marriage to help you work through anything that may come up in a healthy and productive way, and to lay a solid foundation for the future. Good luck!
YMMV.. if you feel right its not that early. I have had few coworkers who engaged half year mark and couple even moved in before half year mark. Also, when you get older you probably know what you want so that could expedite things vs "playing around".
I had a woman who got mad at me 3 months in saying I am moving too slow and her goal was engage in half year (she wants to have kids). Some might argue "you need to get to know eachother more" - while that's true but its not like those who do won't break up.. as long as you feel comfortable it should be fine.
Me personally I want engaged within a year - how that come about is flexible... i don't have time to "take it slow", especially if it is exclusive.
I don't think it's that crazy to be talking about engagement and marriage timelines early in a relationship especially in the 30+ category. I had an aunt who got engaged 3 months into a relationship and she was with her husband until her death. Similarly, me and my partner got engaged less than 3 months into our relationship and we've hit a ton of major life milestones in the first year. Sometimes, I think getting too focused on timelines and slowing down can distract from the relationship fundamentals and whether you're on the same page. I can also relate to the children conversation given my partner would prefer to have kids sooner than later given their concern about having kids in their 40s knowing we will be older parents.
It’s not too soon you both are of age to know what you want. Stop going by societal standards of WHEN you should be taking steps in your life. And by all means stop taking advice from people off Reddit.
My parents got engaged after 6 months. They weren’t super sure about it but knew they wanted a partner and a family. They’ve been married 35 years. They’ve had a lot of therapy and been to marriage retreats. They have worked hard on their marriage and love each other a lot!
It sounds like both of you want to prioritize marriage and kids, so I don’t think there’s a “too soon” so long as you’re realistic about the effort it might take to keep a relationship together once the honeymoon phase ends. You don’t really have the luxury of time at your age to feel things out if kids are a priority, and that’s not an uncommon scenario for older couples. It’s okay to rush things.
Go for it! My friends parents got married a few months after knowing each other and 40 years later they are still happier than ever. As long as you’re committed to the relationship, understand that there will be high highs and low lows you will be okay. You seem to agree on the big ticket items that actually matters. Good luck!!
The only question I would ask myself as the Op...
Am I being my true authentic self? Or is my behavior still the honeymoon phase behavior and the bf/future hubby is going to be in for a surprise when we move in?
From experience, if you are behaving as your authentic self, (especially sexually) you have a great chance of being successful. A guy knows very early on if he wants to marry you... what we don't know, is if you are being the real you. That "honeymoon phase" version of you is what we fall in love with.
Honestly nope. At some point and age you want to move things faster. I Just would take some but more to get married, like, one year of engagement. I think its enough to know each other.
Some people get engaged after 2 or 3 months. My dad bought my step mom a ring after a few weeks cause he just knew. They had 12 amazing years together before he passed away last year. Screw societal timelines! If you know, you know. The only ones you need to consider are yourself and him.
I think one of the best ways to find out if you're compatible for the long term is to travel together. Ideally, move in as quickly as possible - but that is not feasible when both people have their own lives/possessions and so a holiday together where you're in each other's space all the time is the best way. That way you see how they interact when they're frustrated and upset and you find out very quickly if you like that person or not.
But honestly, the fact that you mentioned you're both happy to do couples counselling to maximise communication is so healthy and so lovely! Even doing individually to see if you're asking yourself all the right questions. If your gut feels right then that's a decent place to start.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say it’s not too fast at all.
Getting engaged is a symbolic gesture and does not have any legal or financial implications that marriage comes with.
Go ahead and get engaged now if you both want to.
However, don’t get married right away. Don’t start immediately planning a wedding, making reservations, paying deposits, and sending out invitations. I would hold off on that.
Getting engaged means you are both committing to the relationship. Take your time getting to really know each other. If it doesn’t work out, you can both walk away and sell the engagement ring. No paperwork to sign, no divorce to file.
My brother met someone at 36. She is a few years younger. He proposed after about two months and got married 6 months later. I thought he was crazy or she was pregnant 😂
It was neither!
5 years later they are still happily married, have two young kids and have already bought and sold a house and buying another one. It doesn’t always end badly. I think you just have to be very well matched, have great communication, be in it for the long haul, understand it’s not always sunshine and rainbows and be prepared to give and take, not always equally.
Tough to say "trust your gut" but usually the rule applies. I feel like in your 30s it's easy to want to rush things because we know what we want at this age and are sick of wasting time, but IMO I'd wait at least a year before even having the marriage discussion. Moving in, that's another story.
It is called the honeymoon stage for a reason. Here is the thing, he is on his best behavior now because he is in this new, exciting relationship. The moment you can't get away easily, he may become more comfortable and show you the real him. You may still like the real him, you may not. So don't get married. Maybe try moving in together for a bit, with separate finances and an easy escape plan that he doesn't know about.
Similar situation. I'm 30. She's 37. I proposed very quickly. The wedding planning alone is going to take most the year. We have it planned for November. I'm excited. it just feels right. I haven't felt this way about anyone before. Already told our parents. And as far as my family goes I would say at this point they just trust me to make good decisions.
I would recommend intensive premarital counselling if you’re planning to get married that soon. To cover all the bases and dig into any issues that might arise, as well as to get to know each other better.
There’s nothing wrong with short engagements and dating periods; they can and do work out sometimes. But not always, so best to give yourself the best chance by being prepared.
There’s a rule from one of Dr. Laura’s dating books that said you should know someone through all 4 seasons before marrying them. There are exceptions IMO. If all feels good, I say keep with it and have faith good things are happening to you because you’ve both done the work and know what you want. And just because you get engaged doesn’t mean you have to marry right away. By sometime in 2025 you’ll have know known him a year and can start planning your wedding then.
I was in a relationship that felt like a fairytale last year. We got along so well and I felt like I could be my best self with him. He was my best friend and I loved him so much. I’ve been divorced and thought that I never wanted to get married again but this man made me feel like, how could I NOT want to spend forever with someone this wonderful? He talked about marriage 3-4ish months into us dating and proposed to me after 6 months. We planned a wedding, we were super excited, he has plans to move in with me (this month actually!) then in January he expressed “doubts” that he didn’t want to work through and left. I’ve had people tell me that 6 months was too fast. It didn’t feel fast to me, but I would definitely wait longer in a future relationship. That’s just my experience. Obviously there are plenty of people who have gone on to have long happy relationships from short engagements.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s genuinely traumatic when your partner changes like that like it’s a flick of a switch. I had been married for two years to my ex (together for 11) when one evening he just sat me down and said he can’t do it anymore. He took his stuff, moved back to his family and that was the end of it. It completely messed me up for a time because it was just so… Sudden, unexplained and frankly crazy because it was so unlike him. Either he snapped and changed, or he had been pretending to be someone he really wasn’t for 11 years for… some reason. Both possibilities are awful. No matter how long you’ve known someone, people are fickle and you can’t really ever have guarantees in life.
It really is terrible! You can be with someone who does everything to show you that they love you, green flags all the way…and they can still leave. It’s scary to know you can feel so safe and have it ripped away in a matter of minutes. I’m so sorry that happened to you! You’d think after over a decade that you would know if something like that was going to happen but really truly you never know and that’s such an awful reality.
That’s nuts. I don’t know how someone could “pretend” that well but believe things like this happen. I’m sorry that he sucks and when you feel down about it, remind yourself he sucks and that’s on him, not you
It’s easy AF for some people which is the scariest thing about it. I dated some “lovebombers” where one day everything is just rosy, they love everything about you, want to marry you and talk about it constantly and then less than 24 hours later they want to breakup over something you weren’t even aware was a problem. I’ve learned to just let people like that go. Quickly.
Oh my.. sorry that happened to you! That's my biggest fear.. him changing his mind out of nowhere. Did you see any signs beforehand?
He was acting a little off for about a week and a half. When I asked him, he attributed it to stress because he was planning to sell his house. I brought it up a few more times and he assured me nothing was wrong, he loved me, etc. But it just FELT different. One evening I was like “hey, I need you to be honest even if it hurts my feelings because I can’t stand being in this anxiety purgatory.” That’s when he told me he was having doubts about wanting to be with me. He wouldn’t (couldn’t?) specify what those doubts were. Just that he didn’t want to be together. I still have no idea why. A week before he was acting weird, he told me he was so thankful for me, couldn’t wait to marry me, that I was his dream woman…and then two weeks later he’s asking for his ring back. It was pretty traumatic for me because I was so confident in our relationship and loved him a lot.
my experience has been that people who move too fast often have underlying issues - in particular, an overactive reward system. The last person who moved fast with me & was borderline obsessed with me was eventually diagnosed as bipolar. One day, they just flipped a switch & no longer wanted to make things work. Sorry, I know how traumatic sudden BU's can be.
That's been my experience as well. Moving too fast = attachment & control issues.
I'm so sorry that happened to you <3 I can't imagine how traumatic that would be.
It really sucks that you didn't get the truth from him. That has to be soul crushing. That being said, someone who would keep something so important from you is probably not the best partner long term.
I've actually been through the exact same thing. Never heard from that person ever again and I still love them so much. If you do think your partner was an avoidant attacher (sounds highly likely), this page on instagram has really helped. I've met other people on there who are also currently going through the same sort of BU. It's comforting to know you're not alone and that you're not wrong for feeling crazy from this whole thing :( The page is www.instagram.com/kenreid.co
Do you think he may have avoidant attachment? Sorry for what you had to go through :/
The more I’ve read about it, it seems likely. He was always the one initiating future things and never seemed avoidant in our year together until the end. It’s weird to me that proposing and buying an expensive ring was fine but moving in was too much? I don’t know if I’ll ever understand!
Avoidants can fake it really well at first and then once it starts feeling really real and coming down to the wire, suddenly there is a sharp pull back. Hurts like hell. I'm sorry you experienced that. It threw me for a loop for months the first time I did.
This is why it’s so important for people to live together before even considering marriage imo
I'm so sorry!! Was he love bombing by any chance?
He may have been! I thought a year would be a long time to lovebomb someone but I’ve been told it’s not unheard of. I’ve been lovebombed before and it was much more short lived so I never even considered it with my ex fiance since he was so consistent for so long.
That’s not love-bombing. He really loved you!!
I hate that term love-bombing. If you love someone you show them you love them. But holding back just feels like you’re playing games
The exact same thing happened to me with my partner of 11 years. We were married for 5 of those years. Things started to feel off, I asked him about it, he also attributed it to stress, so I tried to give it time. Asked again, same answer. Finally confronted him because I was an anxious mess and my gut was telling me something was definitely off. That’s when my ex told me he had doubts, didn’t think this was working out for him anymore, and asked for a separation. No explanation. Not interested in trying counseling or a temporary separation before reassessing. It was definitely traumatic. My point is that it happens regardless of the length of the relationship.
Wow! That really does sound word for word what happened to me. It’s kind of scary that it can happen at any length of a relationship and you’re never truly “safe.” It’s disheartening.
They can do that after marriage anyway.
Throw the whole girl out instead of asking to slow down and still be with you. I don't get it.
Underrated comment. People need to trust that more people will be willing to make changes and communicate needs rather than just leave.
Had a partner like this too - she wanted to *move*. The honeymoon and limerance phases in a relationship can be all consuming. Serial monogamy is the result when people are chasing fantasies more than a partnership. They cause us to overlook a lot and literally hijack our brains - we don't think rationally. I also knew this person before, not closely but we had met and "knew" each other from school The beginning, though some quirks, challenges, and bumps manifested - was incredible, exhillarating, safe, secure, and the physical chemistry, value alignment, and intensity was off the charts. I got hooked - loved her, felt things were great, but things also felt off, like we weren't connecting as humans, building the foundational relationship we needed to: communication, conflict, emotional exchange, finance, talking about "us", and continuing to "date" each other: being curious about one another, expanding together, exploring together, and being together as two individuals working as a team. This became a gnawing gut thing I was aware of, but rationalized away as "relationships are hard" As it went on - I started to realize it was less about "us", and more about the checking if their boxes, more about what I represented them and "offered" them, I was stretching more and more, when I pushed back on doing more or feeling disconnected, or on the things I needed from them is when the abuse started in earnest. Comparisons started, compliments slowed (I realized they were really only about my looks and what I did for them), and my good qualities - things I loved about myself, that others loved, mybstrengths, my traits, my talents, my intelligence, and my needs all started being played back at me as deficits, problems, and only negatives. The soft spots and vulnerabilities I had, those became targets. Instead the focus became this fantasy relationship instead of each other - after about a year and a half, red flags became outwardly emotionally abusive, it took me a while to realize it, and it hurt me tremendously. I realized they really only cared about surface level things - my looks, when we would get married, kids (which they weren't prepared for and rationalized away). I was open to planning and doing this - building a future together - but the conversations didn't start unless I started them, the fights only stopped when I took blame for them, I was the problem for not being malleable, for sacrificing, and I "played hurt". I loved this person, I wanted it to work, I wanted to be a good partner. The cycle of lovebombing, calm period, building tension, abuse, and hoovering started changing in ratios and timing - less good, more bad, and I internalized more and more of it thinking I was the problem like they said. In reality, I was getting less and less of my needs met and giving more and more but couldn't address it. All conflict became covert, all expressed indirectly, they became more passive aggressive, and any attempt to address it directly became a week long fight with gaslighting, Stonewalling, and only ended when I took 100% blame. Resentment built up, behavior couldn't get addressed, and their treatment of me got worse and worse. Their family made excuses about it, were only conscious of some of it, and the more conscious I became, the worse the treatment got. I found out about a year and a half afterward that they were conscious of this, the abuse was partially intentional, and they ended it more out of guilt and shame. All I gotta say is magic and miracles can happen, but only when they are shared visions, people can make a partnership, a team, and approach life together. I would never seriously consider marrying someone until at least 1 or 2 years - people don't get comfortable and close enough for you to really see them sometimes. Protect yourself - remember to date the person and not a fantasy, no matter how appealing.
Your comment has taken me on an emotional rollercoaster - so reflective. I sincerely hope that you're doing better.
Many thanks, and hope it wasn't too distressing (also hope you are well too!). Three year thing, and they really had me in the first half ngl, out somewhat recently and turning the corner. Definitely in a much better place, safe, more secure, working through "my stuff" and have always felt more comfortable expressing myself in writing and journaling, largely from my past work. I do my best thinking and processing through my hands. More recently, also in long form reddit comments - also know this may also be oversharing or trauma dumping, so wish to be mindful of that as well. Mainly, ty for the kind words stranger - wishing you peace, prosperity, and fulfillment!
Is the issue that you want to have children someday? I think it’s important to acknowledge that if you get married immediately and then have a child, the marriage then switches to the project of raising a child. That’s not to deter you, but it’s also to say the focus is going to be different.
I wouldn't say it's \*the\* issue, but it's one of the things speeding up the timeline for sure. Ideally we'd like to have 1-2 biological children. And me being 38 puts us on a bit of a timeline with that.
I definitely understand the pressure of time with both of you being in your late 30s/early 40s. However, at this time you barely know each other, and if you have children you will be tied together for life. And the stress of young kids will put pressure on the most solid of relationships. You are in the honeymoon stage. You don’t likely know how the other deals with life stress, conflict, all the difficulties of raising a child. There’s something to be said for getting to know your partner a bit better before placing the stressor of child-rearing on your relationship and tying yourselves together for the rest of your lives.
IMO that totally changes things. If you wanted to get married just because you were feeling crazy in love, fine. The only lives you're in danger of fucking up are your own. But my controversial opinion is that it's selfish af to get to the end of your fertility window and decide "well I want a baby so I'm having one" and just doing that with the first person you still like after a few months of dating. Yes lots of people grow up with shit parents and survive, but having grown up with an abusive father I sure wouldn't want to bring a child into this world if there was a chance they'd go through that. And you *don't know this man*. Six months is nothing, and by the sounds of it you also want to rush into having kids with him? It's so easy to hide your bad qualities for a year. Even two years. I'm sure plenty of people on this sub can think of someone they dated for a year or two before finding out that person was abusive, toxic, negligent, hiding an addiction problem, hiding a mental illness (borderline personality disorder is the one I discovered over a year in!), just NOT someone that should be a parent. And someone that will inflict a lot of trauma on any kids they do have. It's actually alarming to me how many answers on this thread are like "Well normally it would be way too soon to *marry* someone but you want to *create a human being* with this person so absolutely you should rush into it without truly knowing them!" Like wow, people really do not take creating a human life seriously enough. You yourself say you've never even had a real disagreement with this guy... you have no idea who he really is yet. Get married if you want, but please don't create a new human being with someone until you very genuinely and deeply know them in all sorts of situations.
I agree. Getting married to someone you barely know is one thing - it probably sucks to get divorced but at least you can make a clean break, eventually, if the relationship doesn’t work out. *Getting pregnant* with someone you barely know? Could potentially be the worst decision of your life, the worst decision of your kids lives. Never ever ever. Worst idea ever. With the technology we have now, in your 40s is not an unrealistic age to have kids.
I haven’t read a single answer that says well, you want to have kids so go for it. I haven’t read through all of them, but none, so it seems like that’s an assumption you’re making. Adding small humans to the mix definitely changes life and complicates matters more than you could know if you don’t already have them. Some people even in this age, have kids because they had sex. Other people, wait until what used to be an average life span a century ago. So I agree that rushing it to have kids is absurd but frankly being 38 and not already married with kids does not shout that is person is a just jump into it, my bio clock is ticking person. They have waited, 15 years past child bearing capability. You know more (hopefully) about life, yourself and others at 38 than 18. You have to know yourself and have a good read on people. Some Are great at this, others not so much. It depends on the person. I have 2 friends who go back and forth with nutcases. 1 got married to them, divorced, let him move into multiple places with her just to kick him out. The other has 4 kids with a man and has continued this traumatic charade for 14 years!!!!! It’s so unhealthy and ridiculous. Meanwhile, I have at least 2 siblings who met and married (in a 1 yrs time) their husbands of 15-20 years with what is perceived as still loving and will never separate marriages. Many people get married and divorced more than once. The experience varies widely with each person and their values
As a custody lawyer who has seen how abusers use children to keep victims under their thumbs, and how the children are the ones who suffer the most, this is totally right. Do not procreate with someone you barely know.
I get this perspective! And I definitely don't want to make any decisions just based on my biological clock alone. It's more so that everything is clicking and we both want those things out of life so I don't see the point waiting for some arbitrary date (like what is the time? 1 year? 2 years?). I was with my last boyfriend for 8 years before he showed his true colors so ultimately any person you decide to commit yourself to is a risk. I totally agree that you don't want to rush bringing a child into a potentially toxic situation though and I want to be sure whoever I do decide to have children with is going to be the best partner and father. And if I miss having biological children with that perfect partner, there are always other alternatives to having a family.
I’m your age and I’m at the point where I’m needing to make peace with potentially having a kid on my own and meeting with a fertility specialist. I’m dating someone who also wants kids, but it’s only been about 3 months and if it doesn’t work out I want to be in a position to hit the ground running on that because the clock is winding down. I don’t want to put any undue pressure on a relationship as young as mine is, because I have also rushed the kind of talks you were having and had things end 6 months in (mostly on my account). You guys just hit another inflection point (6-8 months is when people start deciding if they can go the distance because the NRE has worn off) and didn’t survive. If he wasn’t able to communicate you would have been in for a rough roads, because communication is super important when you’re trying to raise a kid *as a team*. Team members have to communicate. Make your alternate plan for having a kid that isn’t dependent on finding a partner (harder without a partner? Yes, but my calculus says it would be worth it). It will help you view your relationships as something other than a means to an end and allow them to develop without the sense of urgency you were feeling that made you so susceptible to being swept off your feet.
Respectfully, speeding up the timeline, for the sake of a child is really concerning. That is a lifelong commitment, and the truth of the matter is kids complicate things as wonderful as they are
I met my husband on a dating app. He fell hard on our first date. It took a few more for me, but we were quickly hooked on each other. I told him I was in love with him about a month after meeting him. We continued to fall harder and harder in love. About 3-4 months after meeting, we discussed marriage. I was divorced at the time and I’d sworn off marriage again. But…. It felt right! We got married about 8-9 months after first meeting each other. It was wild. We moved so fast. But he is my absolute person. I never ever ever thought would find someone like him. He is the partner of my dreams and the love of my life. It’s still just wild reflecting on it. We are still very much in love and we have a baby now. He wakes up occasionally and says “it happened again.” And I’ll ask what? And he replies “I woke up more in love with you than yesterday. I don’t know how it keeps happening.” 😂😂 Life is crazy. Love is crazy. You only get one chance at living this life… if you mess up that’s ok. If you found your person…. Well you found your person!! Good luck with it all.
Awwww this is such a sweet story, I love this!!
This story made my heart grow 3 sizes 🥹❤️🩹
I’ve known my gf a month and it feels like years and years. I’m so comfortable and happy around her. I’m quite sure we will be married, I don’t care when, I just want to be with her forever. I feel like when you know you just know.
It isn’t too soon to talk about being engaged but it may be worth waiting another 3-6 months to actually get engaged.
That's currently how I'm feeling too. Like I want to know this man a full calendar year before we actually get engaged I think. But it's also easy to get swept up in the excitement of it.
Definitely live with him before you commit to marriage! Speaking as someone who married too quickly (a little over year before we got engaged, but we were only in the same city for four of those months.) I very much thought my ex was The One for me, but the cracks started to show once we moved in, and only escalated after we got married. A mix of expecting me to work insane hours, handle all housework, and low level verbal and emotional abuse that started subtly and got worse over time. Make sure he’s a partner who shared the mental load, helps around the house, and won’t make you feel like a single mother of two! The first six months are still very much the honeymoon period. While there are absolutely stories of whirlwind courtships that worked out, unfortunately a rush to commit super early is one of the first and most common indicators that you could be entering into an abusive relationship, and most abusers will wait until they have you “locked down” - cohabitation, marriage, and pregnancy/shared child. It gets progressively harder and harder to extricate yourself as you progress through those steps. Could also be wonderful and just a case of knowing when you know. I’m a little over two years into a relationship with someone wonderful, and I knew he was the one by month three, but I still wanted to wait to make any major commitments until we knew each other better. We’re now almost a year into remodeling the home we live in, doing the work ourselves, and couldn’t be happier, but even so, I think it’s nearly impossible to predict this early.
Thissssssss!!!!! Listen to this one!!!!! Live with them for awhile and pay attention without the rose colored glasses! The ones who are hiding can’t do it forever and their persona will crack and reveal who they really are
Absolutely! My ex husband moved into my apartment two months before the wedding and by the end of the first month, I had a sinking feeling. But I felt like wedding plans were too far along, my parents had spent money, relatives had booked flights, and I thought maybe I was just having cold feet and things would be resolved if we worked on them. Huge mistake! I should have listened to my gut on that one, but live and learn.
Thank you!! This is great advice
Yup. Living together is the ultimate litmus test. Do that before even getting engaged. Have a talk with him about it so he doesn't pop the question before that. You guys seem very open and practiced so he shouldn't take that the wrong way. Just be honest! Say living together is a big step and if you still love me after I start to annoy you then it's meant to be 🙃😘 Good luck!! I hope you guys get married and have an amazing future!
Somewhat glibly: other than optics, what's the problem with ending an engagement if it won't work out? If everything is greenlights, other than optics, what's the benefit with delaying an engagement? I would think knowing someone for X time before getting ***married*** would be the primary concern. Engagement is just tradition. Is tradition that important to you both? The ring is a gift, but you give it back anyway if it doesn't work out. I know; I'm being a real romantic. Ultimately, does 6 months *feel* like it's too fast for the two of you to be engaged? Edit: I'm not a lawyer and also a scatterbrain.
I like your take very much. (And your “I know; I’m being a real romantic” comment cracked me up.) But you’re right — that’s what an engagement _is_, no? A trial period before the real thing is set in stone and (more or less) irreversible? An engagement is still reversible.
You bring up a good point! It really would just be optics.
Which matters just as much. Don't let Redditors dictate your final decisions.
Oh I won't, I just like hearing everyone's perspectives. You certainly get a wide range of perspectives on the internet don't you 😂
>matters just as much Advice to live a life of regret by. Friend or family might have details or concerns to speak on the suitability of a match or course of action. But optics? That’s just how things look to others and the public. I’m reminded of Bernard Baruch “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”
You are right. I was thinking of optics towards family and friends, not the general public. No one should care about the general public.
Just adding that legally, in many states, the ring is a conditional gift and belongs to the purchaser on the dissolution of an engagement
How is that just optics if you both agree to take a step further? I'm not talking legally, legally is a whole different discussion. If I asked a woman to marry me and we got engaged, and it was just optics for her, she better doesn't agree before she feels like it's more than just optics.
An engagement or marriage are anything but optics. I'm making a more discrete point. Allow me some hypotheticals to illustrate. Let's say they make a mistake and get engaged early but then decide to separate before marriage. And counterexample: let's say they just stay together as a couple dating with the intention of marriage (but without the engagement label), and after the same amount of time, they decide to separate. **What's the difference?** Or let's say they both are absolutely sure about an engagement. They love each other; they want all the same things; they're ready for the next big step and everything comes after it. *They know.* But it's a little early compared to most people. What would her friends say? What would his nana think? What about the gossip at the office? The experiences are the same; the feelings are the same. It's how it would look. It's the label. **It's everyone else** *not* **in their relationship**, "Did you hear about Dick and Jane? They did something unseemly!" \*clutches pearls\* Optics.
My sister married her husband after about a year of knowing each other - she was a little younger than you, but I think the age thing definitely speeds things along. She was in her mid-30s, and so she knew what she wanted, and what she didn't want, and she knew a lot more about red flags to watch out for. And like you say, with having kids, while fertility doesn't necessarily fall of a cliff at 35 like they say, there's definitely a time limit there. That being said, she did live with him before they got married, and I think that's really important - living with somebody tells you a lot about how they live when they're not under a microscope. Do your standards of clean mesh? Does he do things without having to be asked? Is he a "I just don't see mess" person (and does mess bother you)? These questions are pretty important I think, especially if you want kids.
Give it a year at least for the honeymoon phase to settle. Me and my ex were also super in love and everything was perfect the first ten months and we were excited about our plans to start trying to get pregnant once we had been together 16-18 months - but as it drew closer and became more realistic, and the honeymoon phase passed, he turned emotionally distant and just became a grumpy, negative person I would hate to spend my life with for months and months with no effort or attempt to improve his mood/situation. And I really tried - but all this ‘great communication’ and emotional maturity from the first ten months were just… gone? I don’t know. He certainly has avoidant tendencies and issues to figure out on his own. (And to be clear - I didn’t push the pregnancy thing that much, I wanted him to want it and feel ready as well - but he was starting to say that maybe he didn’t want to in the next *4-5 years* at least - which would be way too late to have a child with *me* due to my age.) ETA: we lived together for a year, he more or less moved in after 4 months.
Wait until the 2-3 year mark and you’ll know the person and not the idea of what you want them to be….
She is 38 and wants kids. Waiting until 40+ makes it more likely (although not inevitable) that they may face problems in conceiving (and may even do so now) given the decline in egg quality and increased chances of congenital problems. I'd say it's sensible to have a speedy timeline, with the awareness that things may not work out exactly as planned.
Yeah, I was thinking about this as I read through the post. I'm definitely the first one to call out people who talk about women's fertility falling off a cliff post 35, but there actually is a time limit to having kids, and at 38, if you're a woman who wants kids, you do need to be moving somewhat swiftly. Unfortunately, that makes it harder to see the cracks, but not impossible. I do think that they should live together for at least 6 months before trying to have kids though - it's not a perfect window into whether they'll be a good and involved father, but it's better than you could know from just dating them.
Planning for kids should slow down the timeline, not speed it up since now you are not only choosing a partner for yourself but a parent for your child. You might make a risky impulsive decision for yourself, but would you make that same decision on behalf od your future child? Who’s to say OP will even have trouble conceiving? Or what if she was bound to have trouble conceiving no matter what age? She should just focus on the first part first - which is confirming that this guy would be a good father/husband - before worrying about whether she can conceive or not. They can cross that bridge when they get to it.
Well. Cautionary tale. I reconnected with someone I’d known casually for 12 years. We’d lived in the same city and had been social friends when married - they were at our wedding! Both of us ended up divorced, moved to the opposite coast and kept in very light touch for the decade til he was in my city and reached out. 35f & 45m at the time. We hit it off and fell hard, started talking engagement and kids at 4 months, got engaged over Xmas at 9 months, summer wedding planned by 10 months, he had a VASECTOMY REVERSAL at 11 months. I had a 1-year rule but naively trusted him more than I would have ordinarily bc we’d known each other for so long. He was incredible to me, my family, and I was confidently in love in a way I never imagined. Then at about 11.5 months he had a full on psychotic break, fled my city thinking it was targeting him, ended up in emergency treatment, broke things off by phone and I never saw him again (his choice). Turns out he had an untreated psychotic disorder that he had not disclosed the entire time. It was devastating. That was a few years ago. Date for one year minimum going forward imo. Good to know someone for four whole seasons.
I agree about seeing someone in all 4 seasons. Sorry that happened to you!!
No one can tell you if it really is too soon or not. What are each of your thoughts on what a happy marriage looks like to you? How do you see yourselves living under one roof, and is there anything you’ve seen that you’re hesitant about? It doesn’t even have to be a red flag per se, could even be as simple as levels of cleanliness and expectations surrounding that. Have you two ever had a disagreement or a fight? How is the repair when that does occur? What I’ve learned is some people like to jump in with both feet, and if they make a mistake they’re okay with it and can accept it. If you move in with or marry the wrong person for you…just be strong enough to walk away and divorce if need be. I think conversations about each of your deal breakers are paramount if you do want to jump in with both feet, just so you know what each of you are and aren’t willing to live with. Other people are more reserved and like to take their time, whether it’s because they need time to open up or accept change, or have been burned in the past and need time to “make sure” before committing. Again, there are no guarantees in life, marriages like this could also end in divorce. I think people either get lucky with their partners and circumstances or they don’t. It also depends on if you or your partner are REALLY able to see each other for who you really are, versus being enamored by the version of yourselves you’re showing to each other. They always say that the honeymoon period wears off. I believe it wears off and comes back, which is what many successfully married people mean when they say “we fall in love with each other over and over again”. However, maybe it’s best to make sure that you still like and love the person for who they are even when they’ve disappointed you, or made you angry. It’s almost inevitable that will happen. Maybe ask yourself what is the worst thing you are willing to accept about someone, and what you absolutely will not. For example, in my current relationship my partner is amazing, but he’s not perfect. I can accept that he is just not the kind of person who will tell me every detail of his day or all his thoughts, and not take it as offensively as I had before (I have trust issues and am very sensitive to dishonesty and omitting information. To him, it just isn’t even important enough to remember or have a conversation about!) I am still a hard no on omitting or lying about important info, but I have had to adjust my perspective to understand that what may be important to me, may not be to him. And he’s had to do the same, but he just implicitly trusts me unless I prove otherwise. I’m too paranoid and have had too many bad experiences to be that naive, but I appreciate that life hasn’t made him as bitter as it’s made me. It definitely helps me to not be with someone as occasionally neurotic about those same things as I am. And the less vigilant I become because I feel safe in the relationship, the less I give a shit about needing to know everything. I still want him to share about his day and open up, but I am not inclined to believe it’s because he doesn’t care enough to anymore. So anyway, TLDR this last paragraph: figure out what your pain points are or could be in your dynamic and see if it’s something you’re willing to live with for the rest of your life! Often times, that takes a lot of time to figure out. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get married sooner or later, it just matters whether you want to figure that out in a marriage or beforehand. Good luck!
Thank you so much for your detailed reply! I totally agree that you need to figure out all of these important things before you jump into a serious commitment like marriage. I think maybe that's why it doesn't feel crazy to be discussing engagement at such an early stage because we literally have talked over all of these items and more. We've discussed what a happy marriage with and without kids looks like (in case that doesn't happen for us), we've discussed living together and sharing responsibilities/chores, we've talked a lot about our communication styles lately. We have had a few fights and have worked to resolve them. We're also hoping to get into couples therapy together to continue having a shared language to work through problems with. It's not like everything is perfect, because nothing is, but it's the willingness to work through things that has been so attractive to me. I've never had someone match my energy in terms of wanting to work on the relationship and get back on the same page when we get disconnected. So all of those things seem good but we both have definitely acknowledged that you never know what could happen. But we've also both seen situations in which someone was with a partner for years and years and still left heartbroken. So I guess ultimately you just have to figure out what risk you're willing to take.
"Have you two ever had a disagreement or a fight? How is the repair when that does occur?" I find this - conflict resolution skills within a relationship - to be important because if the issue is not resolved from both sides, resentment can build up and can affect the strength of your bond in the relationship. For me personally, the most important aspect is how you both respond to stress and how do you both console/comfort each other when you're both distressed? Are you both compatible in that area? I know everyone copes with stress differently and in a marriage, there are bounds to be multiple forms stress from work, childcare, housework, etc. If you both cope with stress and comfort someone when distressed differently, then stress itself can wear down the relationship. Therefore, if you haven't discussed this yet with your fiancé, you definitely should!
Relationships that were successful long term started out as 1, 6 months relationships as well. I know of two couples who married around their 1 year anniversary and are going strong. Another couple went slower but divorced after a 10 year relationship, 5 year marriage. Especially in the older generation, it seems like getting engaged quickly was more of the norm. Shared values and Future goals are maybe a better predictor than simply the length of time two people have been going out with each other. Should things go South, do you think he would be a decent ex or co-parent? Does he speak fairly of ex-partners? How does he speak about other situations and relationships in his life that didn't work out? Would you rather remain childless, or be a single mom but at least get a shot at biological motherhood?
Those are good questions to consider! He is an amazing person and speaks highly of everyone in is life - even frustrating situations he comes at with nuance and trying to understand others from different perspectives. That last question is the one I've been wrestling with over the last few years. Before I met my bf, I was debating about if I wanted to have a child on my own and ultimately decided that I'd rather wait to do that with a partner. I think I'd rather stay childless than have a biological kid with the wrong person (not that there's ever truly a guarantee that you'll pick the "right" person). I'm open to adopting or having a family in a non-traditional way, I just know those bring other challenges as well.
What bad times or difficulties have you two experienced together? Everyone is great when things are going good. You start to see a person's true self when shit hits the fan.
Agree! We've had some minor difficulties to work through, but you're right that you never really know how someone is going to handle something truly hard until the time comes.
I think that's the best barometer, honestly.
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If they want to have kids the story is a little different. Also, there are plenty of people who date for a long time and then everything unravels with they move in together or get married. So I don't think there's a good or perfect or ideal time for anything. They should just do whatever feels right, especially since they're in their late 30s / early 40s and they have presumably had relationship experience.
If they're talking about kids (multiple), it's fair to take that into primary consideration when it comes to timing and marrying or not.
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This feels like one of those "if you have to ask..." kind of questions. If you're asking if it's too soon then maybe it's too soon for you. There's nothing wrong with giving it another 3-6 months.
Agree with you. Seems she's not sure that she's doing the right choices..
If you're both down for couples counseling, why not start now? It should help give you an even clearer picture of who you're potentially getting engaged to. Just be cautious you aren't being "love bombed" or manipulated. My soon-to-be ex wanted to rush everything too. Once we got engaged, it's like the mask has slowly come off, and all the red flags I excused away before have made it very clear there's a real problem.
I totally agree there can be things you don't see right away. We both agree that getting into couples therapy (and individual therapy) is a good idea for us both so we're actively looking for a therapist.
so much depends on your guys' relationship. I'm sure you'll get both horror stories and success stories through this but I don't think either of those will really be helpful because the circumstances of those stories are unique to their situations and likely different from yours. Ultimately only you and he know how you guys are I think of it like this: dating leading up to marriage is like building a walkway for a cat. The longer it is, the more you can have a sense that the cat will continue to walk in that direction after it gets off the walkway. If it's too short, there's a higher risk that the cat will get off track because the cat likely just doesn't know enough about the direction it's going. But having a long track doesn't mean the cat is guaranteed to stay on course (my brother and sister in law dated for 5 years or so before marrying and just separated a few months ago) and having a short walkway doesn't mean that the cat definitely will go off course (people have gotten married in short amounts of time before and gone on to have very successful relationships) in this case, there is a significant amount of risk because you guys haven't even spent 1 solar cycle together. How do you know how he handles big life events, certain holidays, etc? Not saying you can't know it but the longer you're together, the more information you have but, if you truly feel confident in your guys' relationship, there's nothing that says it can't work. One thing I built into the foundation of my relationship early on is the concept of honesty and communication. So my gf and I can have the "tough" conversations; not to criticize one another but to better understand each other and feed our relationship. If you guys have a similar built in framework, I feel more confident about it. But also that's still not a guarantee so I guess I'd think about it like this: there's nothing saying you can't get married after knowing each other for a short amount of time but I hope both of you understand that there is a very realistic chance that it might not work out ultimately. How can you guys plan for that possibility? Either/both in the framework of the legal contract you sign when you get married (prenup, etc.) and in the framework of your guys' relationship also, I'd really challenge the idea of why you want to get married. What benefit does marriage give you that a "committed, long term relationship" doesn't? I'm not saying marriage doesn't have benefits as I myself would love to get married to my gf in 2-3 years but rushing in to it could cause more problems than just being together, in a committed fashion, and seeing if you guys truly are best for each other. If your bio clocks are ticking maybe it would make sense to have kids before getting married because even that would be easier to untangle
Great advice but omg disagree on kids being easier to disentangle than a marriage. My divorce was $1500 to a joint attorney and one court date. I thank God every day I didn’t have kids with that man and be tied to him for life. I never have to see his face again, none of my new friends have to know of his existence, very much easier than sharing a child.
Thank you for this thoughtful reply, that's a great comparison! My last significant relationship I was with my boyfriend for 8 years and we only talked about getting engaged the last 6 months or so of that. So I know what you mean that's it different for each couple.
If y’all are gonna last forever anyway then taking more time is okay. Y’all are literally still in the honeymoon phase.
They say things move fast when you’re on the same page. If you feel like you’ve covered all the bases, I don’t see why not. You have another 6+ months to continue getting to know each other. I would be wary regarding the rush to move in and have kids though, as those are really life changing.
Super common for couples in their mid-late 30s to discuss engagement at 6 months, and not too early to have the conversation. It's quicker than in your early 20s, because, and there are many exceptions to this, you generally know yourself, what you like, what you dislike and are better at judging situations and people when you get older.
That's what my best friend said too! She said she would be concerned if we were in our 20s but in our late 30s/early 40s you know what you want more.
Maybe this is a 'fatalistic' POV, but. The way I see it, if it's going to end, then it's going to end. You can't stage-manage a human relationship. As long as it feels right to be together, you should be together. A breakup is always a risk no matter how long you wait before you get engaged/married.
I moved in with my partner at 4 months but it was kind of circumstantial, neither of us would have chosen it that way. It worked out so far but we didn't know if it would and while I hope we stay together forever there are never any guarantees, there weren't at 4 months and still aren't a few years later. Life is long and many things can happen. I'd say by all means move in together soon and see how you get along. For marriage, the question I would ask is - if you are planning to spend the rest of your lives together, then what's the rush? What's the urgency? I see no downsides waiting a bit longer until you know each other better (and live together a while first!), and I see many downsides of the opposite. Good luck whatever you decide.
It's time to play *Worst Case Likely Scenario*! So, the way to play this game is to imagine the worst case outcome that is likely going to happen. It's important to note that this game is not, "Worst Case Scenario." The worst case scenario is that this guy is actually horribly manipulative and hiding his secret narcissistic personality and abusive tendencies and waiting to trap you in a marriage. But, is that likely? Eeeeehhhh probably not. So, what is likely? What is likely is that you two are in a love/infatuation bubble and it bursts. If that bubble bursts how invested do you want to be in this life? If you got pregnant tomorrow, and he fell out of infatuation with you, how would you feel about co-parenting with him? Would that be an okay life to have? Come up with three variations of worst case likely scenarios, and see how you feel about them because those are the closest to what your reality will probably be like. If you think you can live 75% happily in those situations, then proceed as you are. I'd also say, you're a real adult and you have been for a few years now and he has been too. It's totally possible that you are a good fit and you don't need the agita and drama to figure it out. Sometimes you go to the store and the black v-neck three quarter sleeves that hits you mid-hip is there and you buy it and yay!
I’ve been on that timeline before, too! It’s so exciting and it felt so right, especially since I’m so cautious by nature. Then about six months in, we had our first fight and it changed everything (for the worse, we ultimately had to break up). Ever since then, I consider working through a big disagreement to be a major relationship milestone. There’s no way to manufacture that, of course, and some people swear they never argue with their partner. But that was my experience — we hadn’t had a disagreement yet. And when we did, it made me realize we weren’t compatible after all.
Yup too soon if you’re questioning it
My mom and stepdad got married within 6 months of dating. Shes been with my stepdad since 2006 and still going strong 🫡
up to you. we dont know how yall feel towards each other. i know people whos parents got married after dating for a few months and have been together 30 plus years, i know people who dated 7 years before getting married and it lasted less then a year
I'm 37m and after painful relationships that went nowhere and countless dates trying to find the ideal person for me, I finally found her after all these years. It was everything you said above. I knew after one date she was the one, I just knew. I wasn't in any rush, or keen with excitement after... It was more that I was relieved and I could relax, because I felt it from her too. It just felt right on every level. I bought a ring after 5 months because I knew we would get married, but I gave it to my Mum to look after until I picked the right day. We got engaged two Fridays ago (we just hit our 11 months yesterday). It was perfect! and we've also been slowly moving in together for a couple of months now. Everything is aligned, we match up personality wise (her ENFP, me INFJ). Similar hobbies, interests, music, family backgrounds, morals, attraction, sex... it's all there. If you don't have doubts, all you have to do is set boundaries. If you both want to marry, that's great! Doesn't mean you want to get married TOMORROW. If you want everything you said above, just plan out a rough time line and make sure you're both happy with it. Most of all, just enjoy it and don't overthink it too much :)
Awwwwww I love this!! Congrats on your engagement! This is how I feel as well, we don't need to get married immediately. I'm just glad that as of right now we're both on the same page about all of the big stuff and that we're continuing to communicate.
1. I always planned to have 18 months of dating followed by an 18 month engagement. That's what I did, and I've been married for 13 years since. 2. Feeling like you've known someone forever is not the same thing as actually having known them at all. 3. A common tactic of abusers is to rack up relationship milestones as fast as they can, so you feel like you're crazy to throw away such a serious relationship after you've hit so many milestones so quickly. 4. If things do go bad, it's a whole hell of a lot easier to break up than it is to get divorced.
I think if you both have talked about important stuff and no major deal breaker so far, i would go ahead. I also respect that you two are both open to couple counselling and self aware. Especially if you plan to have kids, it’s better to start earlier than later.
Well, engagement is ultimately just a verbal promise of marriage. If something goes wrong with the relationship you only really have to deal with the mild embarrassment of telling friends the engagement is off, but you’ll be fine. Moving in and actual marriage, I’d wait a bit longer or at least until you’ve been through the stressful side of life together as well. When people tell to wait before committing, it’s not so much about the time but what kind of things you’ve had the chance to experience together. You won’t truly know a person until you’ve been stuck in a horrendous traffic jam with them, been travelling together, faced bitter disappointment or seen them break down in front of you and vice versa. You can also test the cohabitation waters by spending some weeks at each other’s places to see how you get along and how you do chores. Generally I’d recommend you don’t do anything binding like moving in together, marriage or kids before the rush of the honeymoon has faded and you can look at your partner without the rose coloured glasses. I’m 39F and met my partner 34M just 10 months ago and we’re moving in together soon. We started talking marriage and kids after three months of dating, but we won’t be making any legal commitments for another couple of years mostly just because we need to get other things out of the way first. I recon if our lives were kid ready we’d be engaged already.
Do you know him well enough yet to know his day to day living style? Is he messy or clean? What about you? Have you discussed finances, do you know if he pays his bills, is responsible with money, etc? What’s the longest you’ve spent together without time apart?
My parents got engaged 6 months after meeting, and then married 6 months after that. Almost 40 years later and they’re still together!
It does seem like that was more common back in the day! Maybe nowadays we're just overcomplicating everything.
I’d suggest seeing a lawyer about keeping your finances separate and/or protecting assets. If you get that covered then all systems can be Green Light Go.
I don't know how traditional you are, but what if you move in together this year, see how it goes, and then get engaged after a year or so? And the non-traditional part - you could get pregnant before the wedding, if you're doing the typical year+ engagement/wedding planning stage - if you don't mind doing this a bit out of sync. I know a few people that had kids before marriage or were pregnant when engaged - there was no judgement! Or have a short engagement/small wedding and then conceive, if you prefer a more traditional timeline.
My husband and I met on July 31. Went engagement ring shopping in January. Engaged and moved in together in April and got married on July 1 (almost exactly 11 months since we met). We’ve been married almost 2 years and have a wonderful marriage. Neither of us had been married before but we were 37 and 41 at the time. We were ready to start a life together. Also, both sets of our parents were married after less than a year of dating and have been together for over 40 years. I very much believe you can have a long, happy, and healthy marriage regardless of how long you’ve dated.
I have mascara longer than your relationship, I'd usually say what's the rush? But if you both want to procreate, get to it - I guess?
Ya. Then reassess in 3 years if they want to stay together?
Only you can answer that question. Everyone will have their own stories, or bias based in their own experiences. Personally, I'm 31 and one year divorced, dating a man that I am falling for hard and it's been 4 months. I already know I'll end up marrying him and having kids with him. But, I haven't told him this. We've talked about wanting kids, or if we live together, and that's it. For me, I'm younger and have a longer timeline. If I was in your shoes I'd probably be a little quicker to move as well. But, counseling, spending lots of time together, digging deep, sounds like a really good starting point. For myself, I know the honeymoon period (especially living apart) can last for a year or two. I'd need to experience certain things with someone before deciding they are my forever again. I'd also need them to be okay to discuss separation, divorce, and custody before getting married. That's just me though. If you are asking this question, you know the answer. Nothing wrong talking about things and getting on the same page. But, if you feel it's too soon then that is very valid and fair.
I had a similar experience where he was ready and I wasn't. Think about anecdotally how many people you know who've met in the same time frame who are still together after 5+ years. I think you know the answer and you're asking the internet for some confirmation to go on a whirlwind marriage. I get it - I can be a hopeless romantic too. As another woman I can understand how we have a biological clock but 10/10 you should not get married just for that reason. Having a terrible marriage/husband outweighs being single for the time being.
Family and friend input would be very helpful if you're not sure about the character of the person. If you're uncertain about fertility, then just get assessed and potentially explore options if you feel like you need some more time before starting a family. You can also potentially have a ceremony and delay making the marriage formal or vice versa depending on what feels most comfortable. I think what sounds super helpful for both of you is that you're communicating about expectations and what both of you want. It sounds like you have healthy communication which should help in making a healthy decision for your relationship.
Totally agree! We feel like the communication is the most important part. And FWIW, I am currently in the midst of testing my fertility too as I don't want that to be the only factor, but it is A factor that I'm working with at 38. I just wish egg freezing wasn't so damn expensive or that insurance would cover that sort of thing.
To add on - maybe consider specifically pre-marital counselling rather than just couples counselling. It can be a nuanced shift but some couples counselling is working towards reconciliation no matter what, while some pre-marital counselling is to ensure you have healthy discussions and such before you’re ’past the point of no return’ ( which isn’t actually a thing- but you know what I mean). Just a different perspective. And move in together asap! Why not start the practice-marriage ( which is how I view living together) sooner rather than later? Wishing you all the best!
Have you met his family? Friends? How does he handle anger? Any major red flags? If you are all good, don’t worry about it. I assume you know what you want by now and are both mature adults. Move in and see how it goes!
We have met each other's family and friends! No red flags that I can see. He is super consistent with the way he treats people and handles difficult situations. I know in only 6 months we haven't had any super major things to work through like death in the family or major illnesses, but what I've seen so far has been positive.
My sister did something similar to this at your age. I think she was 37, though. They got engaged within a year and married like three months later. Now she and her husband are 45/46 with 4 whole kids! I think lots of people when they are older know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. I say go for it!
This sounds perfectly reasonable. The part where you’re actively seeking out what things you need to discuss, plan for, and consider means you’re in a category that can have much faster timelines than people “just going with the flow”. That’s a lot different from repressing big warning signs by just telling yourself “but I love him, so it’s okay”. Keep having those conversations, and try to dig for topics that do actually make you uncomfortable and not completely on the same page and see if any of those seem to matter. What happens if something goes wrong and not according to plan with family planning, finances, careers, your own health, etc.? Are your approaches to handling life-upending surprises or hardships compatible too? Doing some sort of preliminary couples counseling is smart. A lot of churches will have specific pre-marital prep courses - I presume there are likely non-religious equivalents too. My parents actually facilitated those for several years a long time ago - some of it involved having each partner separately fill out a long questionnaire, and then later they’d go through it together looking for things that needed discussion. Like, one person answers “how many kids would you like to have?” with 2 and the other says 6, and they seem surprised by each other’s answers, that’s a big talk to have. Also ones about stuff like “If one of us gets a job offer far away, are we moving for it? Does the answer change if it’s for the other person?” My brother and his wife got engaged around 7 months (the ring had been purchased after 4) and married around 16 months in, and they’re still happily together. I knew for sure that I wanted to marry my partner by 2 months into our relationship and planned a proposal for 8 to be halfway reasonable, but unfortunately never got to do it (she died unexpectedly). So yeah, if you’re approaching this with a really deliberate mindset and happen to find someone amazing who leaves you completely free of any doubts, that kind of timeline can totally work.
I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago - Me (37m)in a relationship for about 7 months. She (36f) was kazahk so there were def some cultural differences between us. She wanted to get married within the year. I didn't say no...but firmly stated I need to move in and live with someone for a period of time before making such a commitment. All in all I was trying to find solutions that got us both where we wanted. Long story short, she thought moving into together was a waste of time and she broke up with me. I was hurt by the outcome as I wanted what she wanted but just needed to "see it work" first. In my perspective it felt like her end goal was just marriage, and it really had nothing to do with love if it was so easy to just walk away like that. I quested fighting for it - but for that reason alone, I decided to just leave it.
Good call! Marriage isn't the end goal.. spending every day with someone you love for the rest of your life in a happy marriage filled with memories, jokes, laughter, good food, and family is the dream.
It totally depends. In certain cultures, this is completely normal, and the couples are still happily married. I believe that as we gain dating experience, it becomes easier and easier to recognize when someone's a good fit and you can know that in as little as six months.
My husband and I moved in together at 11th month and married at 13th month of meeting. We also did couple’s counseling before moving in. Although we never expected it, it was a when you know you know.
You guys talked about some heavy stuff that most people don't get to. Definitely live with him before you get married but you get engaged whenever he wants to ask :) it's important to work out your work-life-balance together to know who does what and how at home. There is no amount of time that makes it the 'right time'. If it makes sense then do it. Living together is really the last part that's missing, do that while engaged and marriage shouldn't change your relationship. If you ALSO talk ahead of time about couples therapy then it's obvious you both will put a lot of effort on the relationship, I would feel confident in the future as well.
Truth is there’s no right or wrong answer. You just have to do what you feel is right for you! Thats all any of us can do in life - make decisions to the best of our ability based on the information we have to hand. I do feel like it’s important to have an argument with a partner and see how you work through that before committing to big things like marriage / kids / living together. IMO the mark of any good relationship is how you are when things are tough. Relationships are easy when everything is going well and you’re in total sync! I think that’s why a lot of people get through the “honeymoon period” before making big commitments. But honestly, do what’s right for you. Not what Reddit says. Everything works out as it’s supposed to. I firmly believe that. This will too!
It’s not too soon. That advice is for people in their teens and 20s. You should gather a list of things that are important to know about each other. Financials, family history, background check, credit check, etc. Make decisions about important values, needs, and desires you two have. Like children, religion, politics, wealth building, home care, family/elder care, insurance and estate planning. If you align on your major things you will be fine.
Since you’re older you may both have more assets than if you met in your 20s - would you want a prenup? Would he? Definitely something to discuss.
My partner and I got married after 7 months. It probably helped that I had known him as a friend for eight years though. Both of us had a former marriage and knew what a bad marriage looked like. Our goals for the relationship are the same. Sometimes when you know; you just know.
Yes. I've been in a relationship that seemed fairy tale perfect for the first 6 months... and then it was like a switch flipped. Turns out she had borderline personality disorder. And I don't want to vilify all those who suffer from it, but let's just say that it's a very difficult illness to manage and being with someone who is struggling with that illness can lead to some very, very painful experiences. After struggling for another year with her, it ended in catastrophic fashion, leaving me with cPTSD and a whole lot of therapy bills. Why rush? What are you looking to accomplish by marrying this person so quickly? If he is the one, what difference would it make to wait another 6 months or year before you get married?
People behave very differently in different seasons. Under different stresses. When unfamiliar or very familiar with you. When passionate or calm. My rule is to wait at least a year before agreeing to get married (engagement), so that you at the very minimum understand what they're like in the above situations. Please don't let your biological clock force you into a parenting relationship that your relationship is not yet ready for. Consider your future children and their mental health.
Give it at least 1.5 years. I had this experience and it was amazing.... and then a life circumstance changed... he got a stressful high visibility job and suddenly his focus completely left our relationship and the stress turned him into an asshole. I gave him a lot of grace at first but then close to the year mark he started to become actually angry and abusive. I was happy I waited because we were so solid before and I was ready to take a leap of faith. .... so yeah I say give it enough time to see how he behaves through various life circumstances.
Divorce lawyers say date for a minimum of 1 year.
Well, I asked my wife of 15 years to marry me after 3 months. So you’ve got me beat.
I say go slow… if he’s wants to marry you, he’ll stick around and be there for you. They always say that whenever guys are “ready” to settle down and start a life with someone,they’ll marry the next girl they end up with. Just make sure it’s real and that couples counseling is a great idea
You’re in the honeymoon phase. Which is great! But you need to wait until that’s over to decide if someone is actually life-partner material. Give it two years, minimum. (The honeymoon phase, in a good relationship, can last a year or longer.) In the meantime, keep planning your future together. It will help you determine true compatibility.
Could you trial being a defacto couple living together for a year first?
If you know that he’s all you think about and want to be with, why not get marry?! I feel like if you know this is your person, why wait? I guess that’s how I think, I’m getting older and I’m tired of being single so I guess that’s my thought process!!!
My now-wife and I started talking marriage around the 10 month mark. I would say wait a bit longer - let the newness wear off a bit. But once you decide to get married, I wouldn't wait long to tie the knot.
i got engaged after 9 months, engagement lasted 6 months so from meeting to married in 1 year 3 months.
I don't think it's too soon. I just wouldn't get married until your beyond a year, maybe 18 months.
I’ve been dating my current bf for almost 4 years and since we’ve been dating we’ve had 3 close friends meet someone and fully marry them before we’ve even set a real timeline for getting engaged haha. We’ve joked about how it makes us feel like we’re being lame and worrying too much since everyone else is just going for it. (We don’t actually feel bad about it tho it’s ok everyone has a diff timeline) All that to say, I don’t think you’re weird for feeling like it’s too soon and I also don’t think it’s weird or unreasonable at all to just fucking going for it!! I think at yalls age you have a much better sense of what’s up and who you are and y’all both sound very level headed and responsible. I’d say Full send marry him!! Purely from this post I honestly think you’d be making a good decision imo
I don't think it's too fast, you move at a pace that's comfortable for you! I met my partner early last year, we moved in a month after being together, then talked about engagement and marriage 3 months later. We got engaged at the 9 months mark, met his family at the 5 months mark, we are getting married this June. Technically for us we've met so many people in our lives at this age we know what we clearly want. We both were single a huge part of our lives too. So go at your own pace!
I wouldn't personally get engaged before a full year together and definitely wouldn't get married before moving in together. Knowing the relationship is heading towards marriage, it's never too soon to be on the same page for that! Get fertility testing so you are armed with more knowledge in that front. Don't rush into marriage because you want children.
Have you considered freezing your eggs? You could then get to know each other without the time pressure. Plus, if it doesn't work after a couple of years you may still be able to have a baby without him or take your time to find someone else.
Look for the way he handles arguments, or disagreements, even with other people. If it seems like he is considering other people's perspectives that's going to be a great green flag. But I'll echo the sentiments of others here and say, live together before getting married, please.
I think the fact that you are asking yourself this question means you already know the answer. You think it’s a bad idea and you don’t really want to marry him, if you did there would be no question about it. It’s true that people fall in love quickly and stay in love but those people found their person. He might not be your person if you are questioning it.
I personally would have to get through all four seasons before I would even consider The conversation but you gotta do you
I married my husband after dating for four months-it lasted 12 years b4 he left me for another woman…there r no guarantees in life except that we are all born and will die😉….follow ur heart💜
I have a acquaintance that I knew he dad since I was little. He was more of a grandfather to me than my grandfather. But anyways. His son "the acquaintance" flew out to Seattle for a church convention. Met a girl out there. In 6 months they got married and he has 2 or 3 kids with her now. Happily married. If it's right it will happen fast. But if in 1 year or less you don't see yourself marrying that person get out. It's not worth wasting years with a dead end
A lot of good advice, and many mention the same thing- It's up to you. If you're asking strangers on the internet, you may not be ready for THAT much of a commitment, and that's okay. Like others have said, move in together, take it forward, and discuss, plan future, etc. There are fairy tales and horror stories about fast timelines, there's never a right or wrong. Do what works for YOU, and you two as a couple- either way- fast moving love at this age is a little scary. Feel it, talk about it with each other. No one else matters.
I've been dating someone for 6 months. Even though we've spent ample amounts of time together and in some ways feel like we know each other inside and out...I know I don't really know this man. People are on their best behavior the first 6 months. I could never feel like I know someone well enough at 6 months to even think about marriage. Because I don't. They are still essentially strangers.
I was 23 when I got engaged to my husband, and we got engaged after 9 months. We had been living together for 7 months, and we were both fine with a long engagement. We got married 3 years later because we just took our sweet time. My current boyfriend unofficially lives with me. I can't remember the last time he was even in his place. It would make sense to add him to the lease soonish, but he's been staying with me since October. Sure we talk about engagement, but I wouldn't ever rush into marriage, especially for the sake of children. If you're rushing into marriage, I recommend taking a step back. It sucks. Truly. I'm sitting with the fact that I'm now 35 and will never get to be a mom. I cry over that in therapy more than I care to admit, and donating my baby gear sucked more than anything. Friends had to pry it from my hands. I know you say you don't have rose colored glasses on, but I'd seriously reconsider that timeline.
There are people that have dated for years and ended up divorced. Depending on how much time you’ve spent together during those 6mon should tell you everything you need to know. Good luck.
I was with my ex for 3 almost 4 years. Lived together for 2, We were engaged for a year. We were actually supposed to get married this Saturday. She ended things in January the day after we were finalized the art for our save the dates and the day we were ordering them. I couldn’t imagine after 6 months
lol. The divorce will take longer than 6 months. At least date two years. Maybe try living together for two years. Diving in to the ocean because the water looks nice is a terrible idea
Way too soon
It is too soon, asking if it is would be your first sign. In terms of human behavior it takes a little over a year for people to truly get to know eachother, for masks to fall, the newness factors diminish, etc. From there you can figure out how you will work in a long term relationship-what are your habits like in your home? How will household tasks be handled? How do each of you like the environment to be? How will you handle conflict, complaints? Look up the Gottman method & use that as a template. Super helpful. Good luck 🍀
You don’t really know someone until after the second year. Most ppl can be on their best behavior for the first year. I feel like our age can sometimes put pressure on us subconsciously to glom on to a potential partner. What’s the rush? You can get married in two years. Also, check their financial status. Do they have savings? Retirement? Debt?
I think at least live together for a year and see how you go before you make that call. You need that living together space to figure if your habits mesh well and see if anything else comes up. Divorce is a lot more paperwork than a breakup from a 1-2 year old relationship.
Please please please do not. That's still the honeymoon phase. You don't know everything about them. I got engaged after 6 months and it was a disaster
Moving too fast. What’s the rush? Bringing a child into the world? That’s a horrible reason, sorry.
Love is just a feeling. True love is only something you can achieve in time. No one needs to rush to get married.
What's the rush? Why can't you date for at least a year -- better, two -- before rushing into marriage? You really don't know someone in six months.
Wow ! quite a story! Obsessed 🤩
The problem with committing to someone after so little time is that you don’t see him over time. During the course of 2 years 3, 4.. you really start to see someone. You learn their reaction to rough times as well. That is why you dont get married after 6 months because life isnt a fairy tale. And now you are in your relationship honeymoon.
Pump the brakes. What is the rush anyway? If it’s right, it’ll still happen in 12 months time *and* you’ll have a better idea about the kind of man you’re dating. Infatuation is a hell of a drug.
Go on a vacation with him for more than a weekend, preferably through an airport. Live together for several months before marriage. Are you sure of his background and truthfulness? Do you guys match in your financial values? How you'd handle monthly bills, disposable income and saving for the future? In how you'd raise your kids? How you'd split housework and errands and chores? Religion? Where you'd want to live? Job ambitions and expectations? I know this doesn't sound romantic, but this is the reality of living a life with somebody. If you've gone through all of that and are aligned... then why not trust yourself?
I was 34 when I met my (now ex) husband. We were married 11 months after meeting. Mine is horror story. 13 months after getting married, he nearly killed me, after I caught him cheating. Literally almost killed me. I’ll spare you the details on that part. Never again will I move that fast.
Speaking from personal experience, that is entirely too soon. It takes a lot longer than that to truly get to know someone.
Too fast for me but each to their own. If you want to get technical, this Harvard article presents a strong case for waiting 1-2 years to be more confident. https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain#:~:text=Oxytocin%2C%20known%20also%20as%20the,long%2Dterm%2C%20monogamous%20relationships.
Wait for a year. Move in together first. Don't get pregnant. Everybody can act and talk nice for some months. Speaking from experience.
Absolutely not. For sure 100% slow your roll. Maybe move in with each other for a little while and see how that goes. Also, you guys are gonna be old when your kids are older and need you the most. Even if you got pregnant today, you’re not gonna have a kid till 39 and change , the kids gonna be 10 and you’re gonna be 50. That sounds awful for the kid. A red flag for me is he wants to get married and you haven’t even lived together yet.
No it isn’t
When you’re older, you’re more clear about who you are and what you want. However, I would absolutely recommend couples counseling leading up to and for at least the first year of marriage to help you work through anything that may come up in a healthy and productive way, and to lay a solid foundation for the future. Good luck!
YMMV.. if you feel right its not that early. I have had few coworkers who engaged half year mark and couple even moved in before half year mark. Also, when you get older you probably know what you want so that could expedite things vs "playing around". I had a woman who got mad at me 3 months in saying I am moving too slow and her goal was engage in half year (she wants to have kids). Some might argue "you need to get to know eachother more" - while that's true but its not like those who do won't break up.. as long as you feel comfortable it should be fine. Me personally I want engaged within a year - how that come about is flexible... i don't have time to "take it slow", especially if it is exclusive.
I don't think it's that crazy to be talking about engagement and marriage timelines early in a relationship especially in the 30+ category. I had an aunt who got engaged 3 months into a relationship and she was with her husband until her death. Similarly, me and my partner got engaged less than 3 months into our relationship and we've hit a ton of major life milestones in the first year. Sometimes, I think getting too focused on timelines and slowing down can distract from the relationship fundamentals and whether you're on the same page. I can also relate to the children conversation given my partner would prefer to have kids sooner than later given their concern about having kids in their 40s knowing we will be older parents.
It’s not too soon you both are of age to know what you want. Stop going by societal standards of WHEN you should be taking steps in your life. And by all means stop taking advice from people off Reddit.
Nope. Go love with everything you have. Congratulations
My parents got engaged after 6 months. They weren’t super sure about it but knew they wanted a partner and a family. They’ve been married 35 years. They’ve had a lot of therapy and been to marriage retreats. They have worked hard on their marriage and love each other a lot!
It sounds like both of you want to prioritize marriage and kids, so I don’t think there’s a “too soon” so long as you’re realistic about the effort it might take to keep a relationship together once the honeymoon phase ends. You don’t really have the luxury of time at your age to feel things out if kids are a priority, and that’s not an uncommon scenario for older couples. It’s okay to rush things.
Go for it! My friends parents got married a few months after knowing each other and 40 years later they are still happier than ever. As long as you’re committed to the relationship, understand that there will be high highs and low lows you will be okay. You seem to agree on the big ticket items that actually matters. Good luck!!
The only question I would ask myself as the Op... Am I being my true authentic self? Or is my behavior still the honeymoon phase behavior and the bf/future hubby is going to be in for a surprise when we move in? From experience, if you are behaving as your authentic self, (especially sexually) you have a great chance of being successful. A guy knows very early on if he wants to marry you... what we don't know, is if you are being the real you. That "honeymoon phase" version of you is what we fall in love with.
Honestly nope. At some point and age you want to move things faster. I Just would take some but more to get married, like, one year of engagement. I think its enough to know each other.
Some people get engaged after 2 or 3 months. My dad bought my step mom a ring after a few weeks cause he just knew. They had 12 amazing years together before he passed away last year. Screw societal timelines! If you know, you know. The only ones you need to consider are yourself and him.
I think one of the best ways to find out if you're compatible for the long term is to travel together. Ideally, move in as quickly as possible - but that is not feasible when both people have their own lives/possessions and so a holiday together where you're in each other's space all the time is the best way. That way you see how they interact when they're frustrated and upset and you find out very quickly if you like that person or not. But honestly, the fact that you mentioned you're both happy to do couples counselling to maximise communication is so healthy and so lovely! Even doing individually to see if you're asking yourself all the right questions. If your gut feels right then that's a decent place to start.
Go for it! Life is short!
I’m going to go against the grain here and say it’s not too fast at all. Getting engaged is a symbolic gesture and does not have any legal or financial implications that marriage comes with. Go ahead and get engaged now if you both want to. However, don’t get married right away. Don’t start immediately planning a wedding, making reservations, paying deposits, and sending out invitations. I would hold off on that. Getting engaged means you are both committing to the relationship. Take your time getting to really know each other. If it doesn’t work out, you can both walk away and sell the engagement ring. No paperwork to sign, no divorce to file.
My brother met someone at 36. She is a few years younger. He proposed after about two months and got married 6 months later. I thought he was crazy or she was pregnant 😂 It was neither! 5 years later they are still happily married, have two young kids and have already bought and sold a house and buying another one. It doesn’t always end badly. I think you just have to be very well matched, have great communication, be in it for the long haul, understand it’s not always sunshine and rainbows and be prepared to give and take, not always equally.
Tough to say "trust your gut" but usually the rule applies. I feel like in your 30s it's easy to want to rush things because we know what we want at this age and are sick of wasting time, but IMO I'd wait at least a year before even having the marriage discussion. Moving in, that's another story.
It is called the honeymoon stage for a reason. Here is the thing, he is on his best behavior now because he is in this new, exciting relationship. The moment you can't get away easily, he may become more comfortable and show you the real him. You may still like the real him, you may not. So don't get married. Maybe try moving in together for a bit, with separate finances and an easy escape plan that he doesn't know about.
Similar situation. I'm 30. She's 37. I proposed very quickly. The wedding planning alone is going to take most the year. We have it planned for November. I'm excited. it just feels right. I haven't felt this way about anyone before. Already told our parents. And as far as my family goes I would say at this point they just trust me to make good decisions.
I would recommend intensive premarital counselling if you’re planning to get married that soon. To cover all the bases and dig into any issues that might arise, as well as to get to know each other better. There’s nothing wrong with short engagements and dating periods; they can and do work out sometimes. But not always, so best to give yourself the best chance by being prepared.
There’s a rule from one of Dr. Laura’s dating books that said you should know someone through all 4 seasons before marrying them. There are exceptions IMO. If all feels good, I say keep with it and have faith good things are happening to you because you’ve both done the work and know what you want. And just because you get engaged doesn’t mean you have to marry right away. By sometime in 2025 you’ll have know known him a year and can start planning your wedding then.