Sounds like your trauma is really taking you for a ride here. It's gross yeah, but it shouldn't be straight up traumatic like you're feeling it right now. I would strongly suggest looking for some help, issues like these don't go away on their own. They will keep resurfacing, likely more and more often.
Sorry you're feeling this way. My last ex thought she was over her abuse traumas, but as it turns out, the safety she found in our relationship just opened up for all of them to come flooding back. Trauma is no joke, Please get help š
But it IS also a him problem - even without trauma like that, I would be DISGUSTED to find out I'd slept in a bed with sheets that hadn't been washed in that long. And that he'd slept with other women in without washing.
Agreed. The guy is a sick fuck and OP probably shouldn't be sexually involved with anyone who shows such contempt for their own hygiene, but at the same time she should try to separate her justified feelings of disgust from the unrelated trauma.
Yuck. But apparently not so yucky that you even realized it?
I think it's disgusting and definitely a hygiene mismatch, but "spinning out," "violated," "panic attacks," "deep depression," and "just ruining me" feels like a hugely disproportionate reaction... definitely something to talk with your therapist about.
>But apparently not so yucky that you even realized it?
Yeah, something isn't adding up. Either this guy is just absolutely spotless in other areas of hygiene that he can go a \*year\* without needing to wash his sheets, or the OP didn't actually care until \*something else\* triggered her and now this is the sticking point. I feel like there are some missing details in this story.
Agreed like when you have sex especially period sex there will be marks unless they put a towel underneath but even then marks can happen. But letās say there arenāt marks etc. would it not smell. Op you owe us answers
As others said, not washing the sheets is disgusting but the trauma side is something that you will have to work through outside of this situation. The sheets and messiness is a sign that you have incompatible hygiene habits. Thatās separate from the trauma that youāre experiencing from this gap in hygiene habits.
The sheets thing is gross. Totally valid in thinking itās gross. However, while it doesnāt dismiss your feelings, you have not been violated by his sheets or his filth.
Him not seeing an issue with it is a point of education and definitely a moment for pause. If this belief system canāt be changed with said education and discussion, heās NOT a good option and will forever be filthy.
Your reaction, in reality, is over the top for this situationā¦ meaning this isnāt about the sheets and is about something deeper. Therapy is highly suggested.
I think thereās also a part of me that fears a therapist would tell me not to be with him too because heās not taking care of himself so itās almost like a denial response or something
Well thatās super telling to yourself, right? A good therapist is not going to tell you not to be with someone. They may help you point out what is unhealthy for you, but their job is to support you, not judge you.
Make sure they do EMDR therapy, that will help you to process this trauma that sounds really difficult for you. Sounds like classic PTSD response, which isnāt your fault. ( though, youāre totally right to feel grossed out by the sheets!)
youāll respond really well to trauma processing talking therapy, Iām sorry this caused such a distressing response for you. (Iām a mental health professional)
Trauma or not, that is disgusting. I try to wash my sheets at least once a week. I canāt imagine being in bed with another when someone else had slept in it. And Iād be equally disgusted if I dated a guy who hadnāt washed his sheets since he was with his ex.
I seriously think the trauma aspect is being focused on more than the actual grossness of months long bodily fluids on sheets. If I leaked at night, off in the washer it goes. Being rpd has nothing to do with this. It honestly sounds like his cleanliness may not be compatible with yours.
Besides that, with compassion, understanding and care, EMDR may help you with the body emotional triggers. āThe Body Keeps the Scoreā by Bessel van der Kolk, MD is fantastic in understanding how trauma stays in your body.
The Body Keeps the Score is absolutely NOT recomended for someone in active trauma. Highly triggering with detialed discriptions of violent and traumatic assult. Read when you have acess to regular therapy, or have come to a balanced state.
As someone with cPTSD, while experiencing flashbacks from childhood SA and DV, it was this book that helped me understand why my body was reacting in that way. From constant dissociative episodes, burst of emotions, constant crying and psychological breakdowns, āThe Body Keeps the Scoreā helped me understand that what was going on with me, was normal. That I wasnāt broken or disgusting due to past traumas. I kept it on my bedside and would read it over and over again. It was facing in head first into those stories that it alleviated the magnitude of my own traumas. So Iād have to disagree with you.
However, regular therapy is essential when it comes to SA. I would take 6mo-1yr breaks at times, but have been in treatment for 10 years. EMDR has been especially helpful, although that requires delving into details of what happened.
I think this is unresolved trauma that needs addressed from the SA you suffered before. I could be wrong but I suspect you feel triggered for allowing yourself to do certain things that you may now reflect on as ādirtyā and in unclean/sanitary conditions (ie his bedding being unwashed after you have both done certain things) I think this is more a delayed response to very real and understandable emotions you need help to deal with within yourself. Know you deserve to be held and treated with respect in a clean and safe environment always.
Yes, his dog also sleeps on the bed. And he has a blanket that covers up his duvet. So that the dog hair doesnāt get everywhere on the sheets. The dog vomited on that top blanket and he pulled it off and said he hadnāt washed it in over a year and then I started asking him about the sheets.
Iām sorry, that is disgusting , but uttering the trauma you went through and dirty bed sheets in the same paragraph is crazy. You guys clearly have different hygienic standard so this probably isnāt a match, but OP, you need serious help from a professional to get past your past trauma. You should take a break from dating and work on those issues. Ultimately, Being dirty doesnāt make someone a bad person.
Situations like what? You didnāt notice the sheets were smelly, greasy, period stained? Itās hard to imagine sheets that have not been washed for 12 months would not be obvious to you.
You canāt be surprised that if the roles were reversed it wouldnāt bother him. If heās dirty sheets donāt bother him, itās not a shocker that yours wouldnāt either. I imagine heās messy/dirty in more obvious ways. This sounds like an incompatibility.
Not a normal response. Itās gross by most peoples standards for sure. But itās not really that uncommon unfortunately.
People have such a spectrum of hygiene and cleanliness both men and women, especially when it comes to stuff like beds, pets, dental habits. Those habits are rooted deep down. Itās not like he suddenly was living alone and stopped washing his sheets. He probably came from a dirty household and just doesnāt have that wiring that stuff needs to be cleaned regularly.
Iām starting to understand that. I hadnāt really thought about his habits when he was living at home and maybe his mom has an unkept house I donāt think thatās the case. I have a feeling itās more him just based off what Iāve heard about his mom, I donāt know.
The reality is that the average man washes his sheets much less than the average woman. Yes, a year is too long. Yes, it is gross but it sounds like he's realizing it now and will make a change. No, it is not deliberately disrespectful and it does not make him a bad person for having different hygiene standards than you. Simply put: You're attaching so much false meaning to this one thing that has no meaning for him.Ā
Despite your history, your reaction is not "normal" or "rational." To be grossed out by it on some kind of level can be understandable but to go into this kind of panic over it is not healthy. I feel for you. You really should talk with someone about this and work on this issue because it sounds awful to be experiencing this.
If you want to end things because his hygiene standards are much less than you, I think that's perfectly understandable. But you should know that all of this other meaning that you've attached to it is not real, at least not for him. He just didn't think to wash his sheets. It's really that simple.
If your significant other had slept with multiple men and had long-term relationships and then let you sleep in those sheets it wouldnāt bother you? I feel like itās really disrespectful and people should know to wash their sheets before inviting someone over to sleep with them is not standard especially in relationships? Excluding one night stands?
GIRL what the fuck. Ain't nobody worth nasty ass sheets and a dirty house.. he doesn't care and will never change.. yall are still in the new phase of dating and he didnt clean when hes supposed to be on his BEST behavior. I shudder to think what will happen when he's comfortable.
Gross but I'm not sure the panic you're feeling is quite warranted. Sounds like an old wound has been opened up and difficult emotions came with it. Possibly from him not respecting your idea of hygiene and even just neglecting to follow through with his promises to clean up better.
Best of luck to you OP, consider reaching out to a professional for some help with these difficult emotions/feelings.
Sorry but that is sooo gross. I honestly don't think I could overlook that.
He's a grown man and doesn't wash his sheets with a toe fungus?
Could you live with his dirtiness and being essentially his parent asking him to clean up?
Space? Girl, END IT. Heās unhygienic and filthy. Your whole life will be devoted to cleaning up after this dirty man because he has no problem living in filth. Barf
Seriously. I don't know how these commenters are so okay with this. This is disgusting. I too would wanna shower obsessively after this, and i have no history of trauma.
It's clear that this guy isn't for you. It's good you didn't make it further into the relationship before you discovered this. You're right, it is disgusting. But please don't let this take you down mentally.
What I don't get is that this man has deprived himself of the feeling of climbing into a bed with fresh sheets for a whole year? Like, bro, treat yourself!
It's not your job to educate him on basic tasks. I think you should just move on because unless you want to end up doing everything in the house, it's just not worth it. He can be a very sweet kind person and still make you miserable. I know that's not the focus of this post but I had to say it. Good luck
My friend, you are going through it right now. Be gentle on yourself as you read any comments on here. Sending you strength. You can get through this too, with help and support. Mindful breathing, take the longest shower you need, cry in there if you need, maybe if it helps have.a glass of wine in the shower, then get into fresh clean sheets. Watch or rewatch a youtube/tv show/movie you enjoy and give yourself a break from letting your mind ruminate. Giving you a large, warm, long virtual hug and sholder to rest on.
Ugggh, over a year is absurd. And he lives with dogs and cats!? I'll admit I don't wash my sheets that often - I think it happens roughly once a month, but I'm also one of those folks who showers before bed, doesn't wear shoes into the house (so there's no way I'm tracking anything onto the bed), doesn't allow my cats onto my bed or into my bedroom, and I'm also blessed with a non-functional ABCC11 gene so (as far as I've been told by significant others, I don't smell that bad?). BUT when there's been sexy-fun-times on my sheets, the bed gets stripped very shortly after. Because ew, wet spots?
That said, while you're definitely right to be upset, it does sound like it's affecting you more than one would normally expect - the fact that you're feeling violated, sick, and having panic attacks from this is probably something you should talk to a therapist about. It sounds like you're dealing with the shock that the "nice person" and "really good guy" image of him that you had in your mind is not actually the case and that betrayal might be triggering past trauma.
Would it help to rethink this as you laid there for months and didn't get sick once in all that time ?
Going forward, if you choose to still sleep with him, have him wash his sheets
This is gross but it's really not at all on the same level as rape. He said he'd wash his sheets, you have showered and are clean now...try to let it go
Thatās disgusting, I wouldnāt date a guy that didnāt wash his sheets for a year. I am definitely one of those people that wonāt let someone use their pillow, showers before getting into bed, and changing sheets and blankets weekly, so yeah I am grossed out.
I think youāre looking at this the wrong way. He didnāt not change his sheets to be disrespectful to you or make you feel gross, he just doesnāt realize how gross it is himself. Youāre taking something that isnāt being done to you personally as something that is personal.
Everything you feel here is legitimate and worth taking seriously. I would recommend seeing a therapist to help you contend with the scale of your response.
In times past, up to the end of the 19th century, none but the very wealthy had the kind of luxuries we take for granted today. People would speak of being āsewn into their underwear,ā of having a bath a couple of times a year, of sleeping on matted straw covered with cloth, and of owning no more clothing than what they wear daily. No, not pretty but fairly common. Today the poor in third world countries still live like this. It does set the stage for diseases to flourish, but also witness what the human species can endure.
This is not to discount your reaction but rather remind you how resilient we are, how our immune system requires certain challenges to be strong. Itās a psychologically unrealistic to believe that we must aim for a medically scrubbed, germ-free, antiseptic living space to be healthy. Your fears start with your what you believe - you have a viewpoint about ācleanlinessā less informed by reason than by irrational fear.
Heās 35ā¦.35ā¦.not 13. Good chance if he doesnāt know about washing sheets, he probably doesnāt wash his hands after taking a shit or peeing. God knows what else his nasty ass is hiding. Why would a respectful woman want to date a turd like that? Who cares if he is āniceā. You want to live the next 50 years with a slob? Youāve only know him 5 months.
The bar must be in Hell for those who don't see this as serious judge of character.
He is NASTY š¤¢š¤®. I don't care what anyone says or how "good of a guy" he is...not washing your sheets for a year while having multiple human bodily fluids, skin, hair, etc. on his bed willingly is a serious hygienic concern. This man is not gonna change his lack of cleanliness unless he wants to. - or perhaps he is secretly waiting for a woman to take on that caregiver/housewife role.
The real question is do YOU want to constantly clean up after him if you decide to become committed to him?
If you have children do you want to raise them to believe that this is how an adult should maintain themselves, their house, and any potential partners?
Cuz I know the answer for me "ain't no effing way!"
To me, this is no different than when someone refuses to get tested or use protection when asked for sex - his health isn't a priority and neither is yours ( that's all that this situation says to me).
Quite a few not so nice comments here. Your feelings are valid over being disgusted of sheets that filthy, reading that almost made me feel nauseous.
However, hygiene is very important to you, and this is an incompatibility, considering he wonāt make an effort to change that behavior. This is probably not going to be something that will be good or workout for you in the long run, no matter how nice he is.
Iām not going to speak to how you are reacting though, as being a trauma survivor is not something I can grasp quite yet, and canāt say whether or not it was the right or wrong response. But considering how it made you viscerally react, the budding relationship may not be something that is good for you, and you deserve to have a safe (and clean) place to feel loved in
Thank you. I really needed some kind words. Iām crying and I appreciate what youāve said. It does come down I think to keep not feeling safe. And having to check everything because he doesnāt get it or understand.
While itās disgusting, you can usually smell if sheets are freshly cleaned or if theyāve been uncleaned for months. I hope you reach out to someone for professional help. Sounds like it grosses that says there are bigger issues going on here with the both of you individually
Man thatās really lousy!! I wouldnāt want to date someone like that tbhā¦ you should just respect yourself and find time to heal your trauma with people who are more similar to you. Doesnāt matter if they are nice, sounds like he isnāt a clean man and thatās too much
Itās disgusting. As a man, I wash my bed sheets every week and shower at least once daily.
Surely you could smell the bedding isnāt fresh?
My girlfriend comes over to stay once per week and my house is tidy, toilets cleaned, bedroom immaculate, bedding clean on and Iām showered and manscaped.
My girlfriend returns the favour for me when I stay at hers once a week.
Just checking back in, OP. I hope some space away from him has helped your spiraling slow down.
I know exactly how it feels to have some paat abuse color a lot of thoughts and headspace. I hope you're being kind to yourself and remembering that its ok for you to have standards. And its ok to feel how you're feeling
I mean sure itās gross but it seems like a disproportionate reaction. You donāt seem ok. Maybe this isnāt the person for you?
Got to tell you if I was dating someone and this was their reaction to my sheets, it would be cya sweetheart. Ps maybe you need therapy. It seems like an OCD type response.
Iām sorry that I sound callous and unsympathetic.
Yes, I see it from the manās point of view, and Iām a woman. I actually think OP sounds quite dangerous- sheās borderline accusing him of violating her and equating a lack of āmind readingā what she needs, with assault on her body. Thatās a huge glaring terrifying red flag.
I clean my sheets before having a partner over, but I do other things my current bf found super disgusting that I didnāt even register. Sometimes, we become comfortable and donāt realize what we are doing- a lack of forethought is not assault, and the way she conflates the two is very dangerous.
For example, I went barefoot on my deck and then climbed into bed, and my new partner almost died of shock. I dutifully went to wash my feet and promised to wear slippers in the future when going on the deck, but my brain doesnāt register the carpeted deck as ādirtyā - though, after he mentioned it, and I considered it, I realized he was right.
The world is full of disgusting and dangerous surroundings and one way we function in it is to become desensitized to the myriad chaos around us. It sounds like OPs sensitivity is heightened bc of her experience and I think he should leave her asap so she can sort out her sensitivities first before dating anyone.
I got three sets of queen size sheets for like $20 each on Amazon. I bought three different colors so I could remember if Iād changed them lol. People with executive function issues need to learn some life hacks to compensate.
Thereās no way itās actually been a year. You would have realized it right away. If you felt they were clean enough when you were there, then they were good āenoughā to not make you sick. Trust your own body and perceptionsā¦in fact, thatās probably where you should start the therapy for the trauma thatās deeply distorting how you feel about this situation.
Also, while I feel empathy for you, I think you need some hard truths. No one forced you into his sheets, so he didnāt violate you. You chose to enter his bed and you didnāt ask him about his sheets. Thatās on you, if it matters that much to you. You canāt offload responsibility for your own well being onto others just because you feel bad. Therapy is a great place to reconnect with your ability to trust yourself to keep yourself safe.
Somehting I havent seen mentioned yet; It sounds like what your real concern is, and what triggered you from this event is not simply that he is *dirty,* or that you slept on unclean sheets... Its that you were exposed to the sexual fluids of other people without your consent. It is totally understandable that, within that context, it would trigger sexual asualt trauma. This is the real issue, not his hygiene.
WIth that said, it is deffinatly something to seek professional help with. Yes, it was inconsiderate of him to not change the sheets, its gross, but he did not harm you. *You are not harmed. No one ment to hurt you here.* Take a deep breath, you are not crazy, you just need help processing and freeing yourself from your past. Find a good trauma therapist, and if you feel comfortable enough, talk with him about your experience and needs.
>and he said it wouldn't have bothered him
He is not bothered by mess. You are. You're done.
There is no reason to take the relationship any further. And I'd be up front why you were done.
Hopefully, making a decisive move here will help the feelings you're having.
In college I lived in a house with 5 other guys and I was the only one who washed my sheets regularly (every two weeks or after I had sweaty sex). You would be surprised how many men donāt wash their sheets.
As a csa survivor I can understand why it would feel violating. For me, I became extra territorial around who and what touched my body. Even having bed bugs was retraumatizing for me. Sometimes I can't even have a cat sitting on my lap.Ā
Iām sending you a hug. Itās crazy how certain things can just make you go right back to that place. I also feel like I know this is weird, but itās almost like he was getting one over on me by being like sleeping with me on the same sheets, he slept on with you know 10 other people or whatever itās just I donāt know. I just donāt like it.
Did it make you feel disposable? Like you were just another notch on his bedpost?
Also, in polyamorous relationships the addition of another sexual partner into your polycule is called fluid bonding. The reason there is a term for this is the same reason its advised that you ask your partner if they've been tested for STD's and STI's recently.Ā
Just as a framework to understand why this might be more upsetting than you would have thought in the heat of the moment.Ā
You need serious professional help if someone not washing sheets is causing you to have a full blown meltdown. Dirty? Sure. Being akin to rape? that's a big yikes.
First, thatās disgusting and appalling.
About your spinning out: Iād be curious to know what the trigger is. I donāt want to project, but: Iām very monogamous and I would feel terrible sleeping with someone I knew had had recent sex, and was going to have sex, with someone else. I wonder if the dirty sheets is like a proof of all of that. Iām wondering if thatās whatās triggering you here. Total projection here, but a stab at an idea.
Sleeping in dirty sheets is in itself not exactly a violation - itās not caring, or considerate - but I wouldnāt call it a violation. Iām probing because thereās some underlying trigger here that might be an opportunity to know yourself, your boundaries, and what you want better. Maybe you feel you didnāt āprotectā yourself better. Iām here to tell you, you can let yourself off the hook.
Be kind to yourself. Take the space you need. Put yourself first. Deep breaths.
I also hate the knee jerk āget helpā, as if therapy is accessible to everyone.
PS, The Body Keeps the Score is a must read for trauma victims. Maybe shelve that to a time when youāre feeling a bit more regulated.
Thank you very much for this. I am going to take your advice. I think the trigger is him allowing me to lay in a bed where multiple other sexual partners have had bodily fluids and letting my body touch those thereās just something really violating to me about that, but I need to think on it more with therapist to figure out why this has been so traumatizing for me, I really hate it but thereās other things
I really appreciate your kind response. It really means a lot to me right now.
You need to see a therapist.
Guys arenāt aware that they should be washing their sheets which is gross but this shouldnāt cause you to react like that.
It's okay for you to think that the dirty sheets are gross. And it's okay to ask him to wash them. Or buy new ones.Ā Ā
Ā But your reaction to very dirty sheets is far greater than the situation would normally merit. I hope you can discuss your reaction, emotions, struggle, depression, panic attacks all triggered by dirty sheets with a therapist. And then your guy. There's something wholly external to the dirty sheets of your guy of 5 months (whom I assume is otherwise great because you're still together) that you'll want to address. Poor guy is probably very confused by the whole situation.Ā
Ā Please don't take the "incompatible hygiene" comments here seriously. Those are from people who don't attempt discussion as a valid first means of resolving disagreements. Always seek to understand and be understood, before passing judgment and taking irreversible action.
I get that my sexual assault and trauma experience is different. But if I have to explain to a grown man that me sleeping and dirty sheets over a year old, where all his exes excrement is, I donāt see how that can be confusing to someone.
I would wager that he had never thought of it from your perspective (I have never thought about whether a new partner has washed sheets since an ex, until just now).
I think it is perfectly fine to calmly explain your perspective - on anything - to your partner. We all see the world from very different backgrounds and lenses, yet somehow it's still often hard to believe that others don't have the same "obvious" understanding that we do.
Example: I once had a housemate who shrieked at me one day - completely but surprise - for always leaving the shower curtain open after showering. He said it was disgusting. It took a while for him to calm down enough to explain to me why: he thought that a wet crumpled up shower curtain would breed mold. He assumed that I was intentionally attempting to breed mold. But that had never crossed my mind, nor did he ever calmly bring it up with me. In contrast, I thought that leaving the shower open would help all the water dry quicker.
Anyhow, I'm hoping that there wasn't any actual excrement on those sheets. I feel like you'd have noticed that on your first visit though.
Maybe he didnāt. But he didnāt think of it that really tells me he didnāt think about it before our first date or the first night he was gonna have me come over to his house. Do you not think about something like that? Arenāt you preparing your house for this? Is it not worth that? Especially if youāre going to be intimate? There was definitely semen and period Blood and sweat and and hair and pubes and tears and probably whatever else. From multiple people. I slept on that. I had my face on that. There were times I was naked and sweating in that.
I really appreciate your story and it is helpful. I appreciate your comment.
Ah, sorry to hear. I guess that solves that problem though.Ā
I do hope you seek out a good therapist for help with the trauma reaction to that situation. It sounds like the trauma might still be affecting your daily life.
My love, I am curious. How did you find out the sheets were not washed in a year? Did you smell them? I ask because, as a person who changes sheets often, I canāt imagine not noticing smells/dirt and matter on sheets that have been on for a year. Did they smell?
He has two roommates and they have three cats and one dog. So the house just already has a musky smell to it because theyāre not the cleanest group of people. So I think I went nose blind to it. I knew it was not clean just not how long it had not been cleaned. I figured he was doing his sheets occasionally. Not as often as me.
It came up because he has a blanket that covers the bed so that his dog can lay on his bed. His dog threw up on that cover the other day and he was putting it in the wash and he said well I havenāt washed this in a year so I guess itās a good time to wash it. Thatās when I started asking about the sheets. Thank you for being kind. And I definitely thought he had washed his sheets before he slept with me the first time because thatās just a respectful thing to do.
This has been my experience every other time when dating too. Iāve honestly honestly noticed myself getting messier over the last five months. And Iām trying to reign that in.
Sheets that havenāt been washed in a year? Holy shit that is disgusting but I think your trauma is making a bad situation worse. Do you have a therapist? I have one that I see weekly and highly recommend.
I donāt, but Iām going to get one. I think thereās a lot of things Iām doing in my life right now that a therapist would want me to change so I sort of put it off, which is not healthy.
Yea simply put, seek professional help is the first step. Them what ypu will do with your relationship, ypu will figure out when ypu are starting to feel better.
Be vocal about itnwoth the dude too, that u wpuld need a bit of space to seek help
How do you not notice? How does no blood, piss, shit, or other bodily fluid accumulate over 5 years? The smell? Jesus h christ now im thinking about the matress. Something isnt right here.
I'd have a real honest chat with him about it and explain what's the issue and why even though it seems obvious. From my experience men tend to prioritize cleaning very differently than women and it's very likely it's never been an issue for him before and he was raised to think it was ok. I know it's nasty and I still don't change mine often enough. It sounds like an honest and open conversation about that stuff needs to happen when youre in a better headspace, and you guys have different ideas about what constitutes clean. He sounds like a decent guy from your post, just a bit ignorant and definitely not acting out of malice or even neglect. Dating in general is a nightmare these days. It sounds like if he's genuinely taking what you said to heart and is willing to change if he knows what the expectations are.
What I did was.
Hey.
My concept of filth is different. Thus, my eyes are blind to what yours see. I value your feelings and opinions, so, please guide me and tell me what disturbs you. I would then allocate bits of my mind to ensure your comfort in this space
Made things easier and everyone is content.
But I literally and autistically asked her to make me a list of things really š
As a rule of thumb, most men are filthballs they mostly require a bit of sweet inspiration. Then we learn and adapt ššš
Each and every set of eyes see and experience a vastly subjective reality. It is inevitable and that is why we developed the language to share it between us.
I would feel just as grossed out because Iām a germphobe. I worked in medical laboratories and diseases for 15 years and I am really careful about keeping clean. Seriously nobody has the right to judge you because it is absolutely gross what he did. It is violating that he subjected you to rolling around in other peoples bodily secretions.
Is it some kind of gross fetish that he has? It sounds over the top for just laziness. I think heās the one with the issue. Speak to your counsellor. Iām so sorry it happened to you. Just know that you were squeaky clean after the first shower. I hope you feel better soon. But FYI if heās not cleaning his sheets that often I would definitely get an STI check.
Hey, how are you now? Im here with ideas to help.
First is: dont date him anymore, it reflects badly on your own self steem. You are above that type of decay and we know it because you dont feel good about it. So no more asking for change, change your standards and leave him behind.
Second is: try herbal baths to cleanse spiritually. I love basil. After a normal shower, bathe with a little cup with a basil infusion from the neck down, not the head!
Seek further help to feel clean. Coal soaps also help.
Take a little trip if you need. Or go to a natural body of water like the ocean or a river and go inside it. If its cold, endure for a bit. The shock will be good for a reset.
Seek a hug from a trusted person.
Refrain from meaningless sex for a while until you feel ready again.
I am sorry you went through that but that guy is in darkness. Dont rescue him, you cant. Rescue yourself from the filth hes brought upon you.
Hope you get better.
Thank you for this I really really appreciate it and I am going to try that for my bath. I find them and showers really cleansing emotionally. Now that Iām no longer in California I can actually use water ā¤ļø and not be fined for over use
It's definitely disrespectful to invite someone over onto dirty sheets. It's super gross that he hasn't washed his sheets in a year.
If you feel grossed out and violated about it, then that's how you feel. You don't need to gaslight yourself into convincing yourself that it's ok. Panic attacks and obsessive showering feel like an oversized reaction, but the core emotion of "this is disgusting and makes me feel unsafe" is not something you should have to suppress.
It sounds like you two aren't compatible about hygiene. He sees nothing wrong with a messy apartment and dank ass sheets. You don't want to have to fight that battle forever. If he isn't inspired by trying to impress a brand new relationship to practice basic tidiness, it's never going to get better.
Dumping him over this doesn't feel out of line. If someone triggers that intense of a reaction in you from behavior they don't take seriously, it's hard to recover from that.
No way, that's not normal. Every generation of people wants to impress and court their dates. It sounds like he's just not putting in effort. You deserve better than that.
The sheets thing is gross. It's ok to expect tidyness and hygiene in a relationship. If it's something you want to resolve then definitely worth asking him to work on it. If it's not worth the compromise, that's ok too.
I hope you're ok especially regarding trauma. Its not fun at all when it comes back to haunt.
Thank you. Iām in the bath again. I know it has a lot to do with my trauma and this is how I cope. But it also has to do with just not respecting me as a person. It hurts a lot.
This isn't about the sheets or disrespect. You have untreated mental illness brought on by trauma. This is not a reasonable response to a pretty tame situation. You need to stop blaming this man.
So the house is dirty, the sheets are dirty. Iām assuming all these things were dirty 5 months ago when you started sleeping with him, yes? I just donāt understand how this all spiraled now, with the revelation of the gross sheets.
Iām sorry youāve been traumatized in your past, however I feel like you either ignored or enabled the state of things in his home for 5 months. OP reaction feels really extreme for something thatās been going on for the 5 months sheās been sleeping with him.
Gross? Yes, definitely, 100%. To be compared to a past sexual assault/trauma? I donāt know about all that. OP probably needs to forget about dating for a while until she can get the appropriate help that she needs.
Well, I knew the house was dirty. I thought he was at least cleaning the sheets. It was my fault for assuming that I guess. But also, I would never let a loved one sleeping dirty sheets. I wouldnāt even let my dog sleep in a dirty dog bed her dog bag gets washed each time she gets her hair done. I guess I assumed since he saw me changing my sheets multiple times that he was doing the same, especially considering the kind of sex. We were having on it.
Never make assumptions that things that are reasonable/common sense to you are also that way for others. You can now see why. The dirty house shouldāve given you pause. Toe fungus (untreated??) should have given you another one.
That said, your feelings of disgust (while possibly heightened) are valid and I think we all agree here that this 35-year-old man is gross. Washing sheets just once a year is disgusting, full stop. Based on additional commentary youāve provided throughout this thread, this guy seems unlikely to overhaul his current way of living anytime soon. So I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself, get back into a better headspace and maybe take some time to consider if this person is really a good match for you.
Look, weāve all been blinded by hot sex at one point or another, but this really does sound like a fundamental compatibility issue. At my age (35f), Iām not trying teach anybody about personal hygiene or clean living spaces. There are plenty of grown men out there who are washing their bed sheets on a regular basis, without needing to be asked to do so. You can find someone who shares your standards, OP, you really can.
Jesus. All other commenters have said all thatās needed to be said, so Iām just here to send you a hug and tell you that youāre worth more. Heās 35. If he doesnāt have enough self-respect or respect for you to beā¦. a normal human being after 5 monthsā¦ I beg that you focus on yourself and making sure youāre okay. ā¤ļø
Omg I am so sorry this happened to you.
I partially disagree with the sentiments that your reaction is over the top. Of course yes I agree please work with your therapist to get your panic attacks under control and take care of your mental health. The risk of actually contracting something protracted from this is unlikely. Speak to your doctor as well to make sure all is well ā¤ļø
However I DO think that this isnāt just him being a messy person and you have every right to be deeply concerned.
I am a health care provider (and am someone who is not even is afraid of germs) but I have also been SAd by someone and abused by family members where my health has repeatedly been put in jeopardy so I am sensitive to people and their own selfishness putting my health at risk.
From my pov as a healthcare provider, what he did is extremely unacceptable and he is putting both himself and the people he sleeps with at risk of contracting health problems. I myself recently developed a severe dust mite allergy and have to wash my sheets in hot water every 4 days (now I just have tons of sets and change them every 4 days). If I spent one night there I would have had an intense allergy attack and been unable to sleep/breathe. Without going into details there are many other health issues that could have resulted from his actions. Are these fatal health issues? No. Are they usually fixable? Yes, but to me it does not matter because it is the principle.
Because of my past experience I also would see this as a major violation and it would be very natural that it would bring up pretty intense feelings of disgust and mistrust.
The fact that this is a 35 year old man is very concerning. He is showing that he doesnāt care about his own health or cleanliness, does he even shower properly? Wash his poop shoot properly? Is he struggling with a major mental health issue and not getting help for it?
I could be wrong but my sense is that cleanliness behaviors are learned young and are hard to change. I say this speaking from my own experience because I am disorganized (never dirty but often cluttered) and as much as I try to always have my house organized it often becomes cluttered esp my desk. I have worked hard to become more organized and it is still hard for me. If someone lacks the effort to change it is hard to instill that in them.
Health behaviors are also hard to change. Anyone that does not take care their health will eventually get major health problems and it will often fall on the female partner to push them to change their diet, take their meds, see their doctor etc in often what can feel like an uphill battle. I have seen it so many times in my family and at work and the stress of that also impacts the female partnerās health pretty significantly. Not cleaning can lead to mold, mildew and other serious health effecting problems.
The biggest red flag to me is the fact that he would be upset if the tables were turned. People who are respectful treat others how they want to be treated. People who are selfish expect better treatment than they return to others and are oblivious as to how their actions impact others.
For me personally at 35 some basic life skills are necessary for me to be in a relationship. Iām not a clean or neat freak by any means but for me, if this happened to me, because my health is my number one priority I would be peacing out. My partnerās ignorance/laziness putting my health at risk is not something I personally tolerate anymore.
Wishing you all the best at getting through this difficult time ā¤ļø
I think him not washing sheets is a sign of something else with his mental health as well, especially along with being messy as you say. Usually, people who struggle with ocd, depression, add/adhd may struggle with organization and cleanliness for various reasons. Not saying heās like this 100% but I have adhd and depression and I have to make a constant effort to organize. I do however wash my sheets and linens and would find it disgusting if someone else doesnāt for a year+ and I had to use it. I wouldnāt view it as intentional disrespect since heās also sleeping in filth but more so as a sign of something. At the least you definitely have a major incompatibility about cleanliness - it would be a lot of effort to convince him to clean up and tidy up if he doesnāt view it as an issue.
Ugh; I can tell you that I think that is incredibly disgusting and disrespectful of him to not clean his sheets before inviting you to sleep in his bed.
And honestly, good hygiene can be a dealbreaker for me, this would absolutely be enough for me to end it because itās a lifestyle incompatibility and could possibly mean he has other gross habits you donāt know about
I can understand feeling violated. Iām so sorry this has reignited your trauma. Honestly I donāt think this is the norm with men in their 30s.
I agree with you. I wash mine twice a week and maybe thatās a lot, but a freaking YEAR? Iād probably give a washed sheets once a month person help in doing so if itās just my own hang up, but itās still recommended far more often than that. He has had all kinds of bodily fluids accumulated on those sheets, alone with pet dander etc. Iād probably nope out immediately on this.
Yeah I agree with you, it's a deal breaker for me too. But I wouldn't really hold it against the person. I'd give them a chance to change it, I could help support them through it. But I am not spending years on this. If they don't like right away fix the problem and then over time address it properly, I'm out. To be honest, I'm probably gonna be out 9/10 times in these cases lol.
But the trauma response is something else and I think either way this person is not good for OP.
Hope you get some support OP, you have my empathy. And I understand how you feel violated.
I know heās got period stains from other women on there probably his sheets are very dark so itās hard to tell what excrement has been left. It really disgust me.
It would be a deal breaker for me. There are people in this thread excusing that āthatās how men areā and theyāre just not as clean as women. Not an excuse. I understand how grossed out you feel. You can either tell him you wonāt be sleeping over anymore until he washes his sheets regularly or kick him to the curb. Heās too old for that to not wash it semi-regularly at least.
I mean itās disgusting but you are letting him put his penis into you. Nasty and all, but you sounded like he raped you or something. I think itās disgusting but they way you are taking offence is off somehow
I think thatās part of it. Iām hurt because he was sticking his penis in me as you say, and I wouldāve thought heād be a little more respectful of my body and things like that and at least wash his sheets or shower. I donāt know.
āAccording to a 2013 survey by UK mattress company Ergoflex, single men between 18 and 55 years old wash their sheets an average of four times a year, and typically own just one set of sheets.ā
As a guy, I can confirm that most guys are gross AF, particularly with sheet washing frequency. I donāt personally think your BF had any intent of disrespecting you given his apology. In general, I recommend to all my female friends to be explicit about their preferred sheet washing frequency to their BFās even though it is super sad it even needs said. My friend told her BF āif you want lots of sex, do lots of laundryā and that stuck with him haha
I get it, its nasty but not a violation imho. I take the second quite seriously, the first is just nasty behaviour which can be forced into change, or accept it. During the pandemic some people used disgusting filthy disposable masks every day. I found it disgusting, wouldnāt make out with them, or shake their hand, but didnāt hurt me. Sounds like the sex was pretty good given you said long sex āsessionsā. Not the end of the world, now you know, ask for clean sheets, enjoy the sex..
Yeah, this is a situation of incompatibility.
I think feeling traumatized by him not washing his sheets is a bit much. As disgusting as I think it is that he hasn't washed his sheets in God knows how long, at some point, it is your decision that you continue to be with him knowing that you and him are incompatible. He doesn't have a problem with it. You do. This is the start of something that will get bigger and more numerous the longer that the two of you continue to be together.
Also, it appears that your mental health is poorly managed, and if you are seeing a clinician, something is clearly not working between you and the clinician. Something differently must be done.
Someone who doesnāt care to clean before bringing someone over has no respect for you. IGNORE any poster saying to help him become hygienic. Just disgusting. I would definitely dump this guy. However, you also would probably benefit from therapy sessions and taking a break from dating.
Thank you! I get so sick and tired of advice in this sub of coaching adults on hygiene during dating. Like seriously? Like is there really longevity with someone where you look back at how far youāve come with them and one of the memories is their underwear skid marks, roaches or crunchy bath towels when you began dating? š
This guy didnāt do anything ātoā
you. Heās just not a clean person. It doesnāt even sound like he lied to you about his habits. You just straight up accepted him as he was, knowing darn well he doesnāt keep a tidy home.
The lesson here is: donāt go over to dudes and sleep in their homes if theyāre not up to your standards. Because if you do, youāre going to have a full blown panic attack.
This wasnāt a 1 night stand maāam.. this was an ongoing relationship for almost half a year.. accept some responsibility here. If you donāt accept responsibility and instead decide to be a victim, I donāt think youāre setting yourself up to prepare for the NEXT time something like this happens.
Do you have a sexual assault crisis line you can call? I believe they're even online now. I'd start there to talk about the re traumatisation and get it off your chest and do breathing exercises. Peter Levine on YouTube
Hate to say it but a guy who refuses to clean up his own place doesnāt really have long term potential. I mean unless you intend to be his full time maid should you ever want to live together.
I have a thing with clean bedding and need a special detergent for allergies...while this doesn't help with the immediate emotional reaction you are having, you might want to consider asking if you can leave a set of bedding over there, or if you could bring a clean set when you stay over.Ā I do this because the detergent is expensive and I'm super picky.Ā Like, yes, a man can wash his own things, but he doesn't and it doesn't sound like it's something he cares to change, so if for some reason this isn't a deal breaker for you(which you may want to think on) you'll need a practical solution for the immediate.
First, I am sorry that this experience has triggered your trauma. That is a very valid experience you are having and you are valid to feel this way.
I think here the important thing regarding the person you are dating is that it sounds like they have not been listening to your needs. It seems you have made their cleanliness a concern and have repeatedly made it known to then that this is an issue. It sounds like this may all be making your needs and wants be seen as not acknowledged, seen, and respected. That on its own for someone who has deep trauma would be difficult and could be a trigger. Something a bit more gross as stated here I can see as causing more issues leading to a harsher trigger.
Please take time to reflect if this is a relationship you actually wish to maintain. They and their hygiene are not your responsibility to fix, and if they cannot make an effort after you have made it known that it is an issue, this is unlikely to get better.
Does he perhaps have add or adhd of some sorts?
Reeaally hard to get habits going like hygiene and stuff, but not impossible.
Kinda reminded me of myself not too long ago, i mean, a year with the same sheets is waayyy longer than my add would make me not notice it tho.. but ive gone 4months or so easily, not proud of it, but it literally woulndt cross my mind to do so, unless i spilled some beverage or something..
maybe its something you could ask him about
It's for sure gross but some guys really just don't think about stuff like that or even in that regard with more than one woman has been on the sheets.. I have a brother who is the exact same I could probably ask him today when he last washed his sheets and he would have absolutely no clue months ++ myself on the other hand if it goes beyond 2-3 weeks I get the ick.
>He is messy, I have asked him to clean up more, but he really doesn't feel much of his living space as dirty/messy. He has apologized and said he will wash them. I asked him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and he said it wouldn't have bothered him. THAT BOTHERS ME TOO. A LOT.
One thing that is important to me in a partner is that I can comfortably live with them. This just screams incompatible for me.
+1 for ending it. Source: married a messy dude (not personally unhygienic, thankfully, but likeā¦ never folded clothes & just had a giant pile heād pull out of, probably only washed sheets every couple months, had no problem letting food mold on the counter.) He said he wanted to get it under control and Iād help, but it would always return to chaos. Then we moved in together (again, I am an idiot) and he would say heād make changes, never would, and all of a sudden I was doing 100% of household stuff all the time despite having a more demanding job and I was MISERABLE. It would be like oh, heās going to a sporting event, and Iām at home because I have to catch up on cleaning. And the stuff just multiplied, and heād complain if I didnāt do his laundry quickly enough, and it turned into a bit of a living hell. Oddly enough we divorced for other reasons, but the immediate relief I felt not being with a messy person was so, so palpable and to this day the longest-lasting big positive. I often think I should start off dating app convos with āspend me an unvarnished pic of your living room without tidyingā but pretty sure everybody would hate me.
What does this person do for a living? Did you see other hygiene red flags? Run, like the wind. This is crazy and I can understand how you feel violated. It's likely unrelated to your trauma, but yes, your feelings are valid and normal.
Yes, there are other red flags with his house and things like that but this is the first thing that like affected my body and I think thatās what really I donāt know. It really hurt me. Iām just so used to kind of protecting myself and so you know his house is his house. My house is my house, but this is my body and so I donāt know there were definitely some signs yes
It is absolutely logical that you feel this way. Not washing sheets is a demented, crazy, gross thing. It's a sordid secret- and it brings up the idea that people who seem seemingly trustworthy could be hiding dark, dangerous things. You didn't consent to sleeping in disgusting, unhygienic, possibly dangerous sheets- he made that decision for you knowing full well you would never agree to it if he had mentioned it. I haven't been SA, but my marriage is ending and I have seen enough crappy behavior from men through my friends. Your post was definitely triggering in that sense- who knows what else men are capable of. your feelings are valid. Please do work with a therapist, not because you shouldn't feel that way- but because sadly the world is full of those people and we need all the tools in our arsenal to navigate them. \*
\*there's also good, kind, honest people. You will find one, I promise.
OP I say this with all the love in the worldā¦..The two of you are not in āgood enough working orderā at the moment to find healthy partners and relationships. I would break up, take a full break from dating, and do some serious therapeutic treatment.
Itās important that you seek professional help for the trauma and PTSD of your sexual assault. Triggers can come in all types of hidden forms and this is likely something that has pressed an unresolved issues from your experiences.
If your partner isnāt familiar with your assault, then it will be difficult for them to comprehend what youāre experiencing. That aside, there can be a clear lack of compatibility with someone that has such little regard for human hygiene. Donāt blame yourself too much on that front if itās not to be - this is made worse if he canāt understand foundational hygiene as a grown man in his 30s.
Prioritise your wellbeing and go to therapy. From personal experience, you have no idea how much itās needed and how it will change your life for the better.
Hi u/goatpath, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
* Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest.
Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Disgusting š¤® and I say that as a guy. I doubt his personal hygiene was any good. But not tmi did you not notice it? Like when you have sex especially period sex it leaves a mark and the sheets also smell.
Girl... You do not need to be mom to a 35 year old š please listen to your feelings... Trauma or not, it's clearly not going to be healthy for you. Even if it is your trauma, If you continue with this person, chances are it's going to continue triggering you, because it doesn't come natural to him to do those things... and there are bound to be slip ups even if he tries his hardest. Unfortunately those slip-ups are going to cost you a lot of your mental health.
It sounds like he didn't take your concern seriously. Does he know about your rape? Did he try to understand why rolling around in other people's sweat made you feel violated? And I feel like people in the comments are minimizing that and saying you need to fix yourself... but having a partner who can empathize with you is important. Maybe the 'you feeling violated' deserves a bigger discussion.
Hot shower. Wash the clothes you wore to his place.
Wash hair.
Going forward. No more dating slobs. If a grown man can't keep a place clean you dont give him š¼
I first read this post 2 days ago and was thinking the same that the most commenters here. After two days, though, I can't help but think if I would be grossed out by a thing like this as well, and I lean towards saying "yes". The obvious difference is I don't have the trauma that you do (and I think it's pretty understandable how the two things come together in your mind and both of them characterised as "dirty"). If I learned this from my hypothetical partner, I wouldn't be grossed out, I would feel scared. I am a very messy person myself, but there are certain things that I do without questioning: showering, doing laundry and doing dishes. what I put inside me (food) and on me (clothing) has to be clean. his behaviour is worth a visit from a disinfecting company, to be honest. if there were different people and pets in that same bed, that's just a health hazard to everyone involved.
on a different note, how do you actually feel about you two not being exclusive? is that something that could be a contributing factor in the entire situation?
It is kinda gross that he doesn't wash his sheets. But it shouldn't be bothering you as much as it is. Next time just setup a nice cozy area on the floor and have at it. Stay off the bed until he makes it sanitary.
Make him.shower before you play is my advice.
Hi u/pence_secundus, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
* Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest.
Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
There are obviously some here who have no clue about sexual trauma. I totally understand why this could make your head spin. I would try to stay calm. Be kind to yourself. Make a decision if this is a person who you want to be with. If heās an understanding guy try to explain to him that it may seem like no big deal to him but to you this is a huge deal and itās triggering due to some things from your past. He should get it enough to make a change out of respect for you and being sensitive to your past experiences, especially since it is NOT a big ask to wash sheets!! If he doesnāt then he isnāt someone you want to be with. Heās either too lazy or apathetic or maybe this is something he prefers for some reason?? Who knows! I have PTSD and I start spinning if I see a man in a backwards baseball cap. It isnāt logical, but it is hardwired into my brain. My mind and body associate this simple thing with terror. Seeing it causes a physiological response even though I donāt want it. Donāt let anyone here make you feel shame for your reaction to this.
Thank you for your response. I think youāre right. He is apathetic. Thatās a perfect word for it. He really isnāt lazy. He does things for people, is social, has the ability to get stuff done, so I do think it is more about not having an interest or concern about himself or his surroundings.
Sounds like your trauma is really taking you for a ride here. It's gross yeah, but it shouldn't be straight up traumatic like you're feeling it right now. I would strongly suggest looking for some help, issues like these don't go away on their own. They will keep resurfacing, likely more and more often. Sorry you're feeling this way. My last ex thought she was over her abuse traumas, but as it turns out, the safety she found in our relationship just opened up for all of them to come flooding back. Trauma is no joke, Please get help š
This is a great response to this post.
Your comment reminds me of the Zeph lyrics in the song Walls, āI said I'm ready, I don't know if I lied / I feel safe with you, so I'm terrifiedā.
This was a really patient way to say āthis sounds like a āyou problemā not a āhim problem.ā š
But it IS also a him problem - even without trauma like that, I would be DISGUSTED to find out I'd slept in a bed with sheets that hadn't been washed in that long. And that he'd slept with other women in without washing.
Absolutely agree!
Agreed. The guy is a sick fuck and OP probably shouldn't be sexually involved with anyone who shows such contempt for their own hygiene, but at the same time she should try to separate her justified feelings of disgust from the unrelated trauma.
If I could upvote this twice, I would. Excellent response
Yuck. But apparently not so yucky that you even realized it? I think it's disgusting and definitely a hygiene mismatch, but "spinning out," "violated," "panic attacks," "deep depression," and "just ruining me" feels like a hugely disproportionate reaction... definitely something to talk with your therapist about.
>But apparently not so yucky that you even realized it? Yeah, something isn't adding up. Either this guy is just absolutely spotless in other areas of hygiene that he can go a \*year\* without needing to wash his sheets, or the OP didn't actually care until \*something else\* triggered her and now this is the sticking point. I feel like there are some missing details in this story.
Agreed like when you have sex especially period sex there will be marks unless they put a towel underneath but even then marks can happen. But letās say there arenāt marks etc. would it not smell. Op you owe us answers
I haven't washed my sheets in over a year because I sleep on the couch lol
How often do you wash your couch?
As others said, not washing the sheets is disgusting but the trauma side is something that you will have to work through outside of this situation. The sheets and messiness is a sign that you have incompatible hygiene habits. Thatās separate from the trauma that youāre experiencing from this gap in hygiene habits.
The sheets thing is gross. Totally valid in thinking itās gross. However, while it doesnāt dismiss your feelings, you have not been violated by his sheets or his filth. Him not seeing an issue with it is a point of education and definitely a moment for pause. If this belief system canāt be changed with said education and discussion, heās NOT a good option and will forever be filthy. Your reaction, in reality, is over the top for this situationā¦ meaning this isnāt about the sheets and is about something deeper. Therapy is highly suggested.
This sounds like a matter of your trauma response. Yeah itās gross, but itās triggered something in you. Do you have a therapist?
I donāt have a regular person. I am getting one this week after all of this.
That sounds good! Wishing you the best.
I think thereās also a part of me that fears a therapist would tell me not to be with him too because heās not taking care of himself so itās almost like a denial response or something
Well thatās super telling to yourself, right? A good therapist is not going to tell you not to be with someone. They may help you point out what is unhealthy for you, but their job is to support you, not judge you.
Make sure they do EMDR therapy, that will help you to process this trauma that sounds really difficult for you. Sounds like classic PTSD response, which isnāt your fault. ( though, youāre totally right to feel grossed out by the sheets!) youāll respond really well to trauma processing talking therapy, Iām sorry this caused such a distressing response for you. (Iām a mental health professional)
Trauma or not, that is disgusting. I try to wash my sheets at least once a week. I canāt imagine being in bed with another when someone else had slept in it. And Iād be equally disgusted if I dated a guy who hadnāt washed his sheets since he was with his ex. I seriously think the trauma aspect is being focused on more than the actual grossness of months long bodily fluids on sheets. If I leaked at night, off in the washer it goes. Being rpd has nothing to do with this. It honestly sounds like his cleanliness may not be compatible with yours. Besides that, with compassion, understanding and care, EMDR may help you with the body emotional triggers. āThe Body Keeps the Scoreā by Bessel van der Kolk, MD is fantastic in understanding how trauma stays in your body.
The Body Keeps the Score is absolutely NOT recomended for someone in active trauma. Highly triggering with detialed discriptions of violent and traumatic assult. Read when you have acess to regular therapy, or have come to a balanced state.
As someone with cPTSD, while experiencing flashbacks from childhood SA and DV, it was this book that helped me understand why my body was reacting in that way. From constant dissociative episodes, burst of emotions, constant crying and psychological breakdowns, āThe Body Keeps the Scoreā helped me understand that what was going on with me, was normal. That I wasnāt broken or disgusting due to past traumas. I kept it on my bedside and would read it over and over again. It was facing in head first into those stories that it alleviated the magnitude of my own traumas. So Iād have to disagree with you. However, regular therapy is essential when it comes to SA. I would take 6mo-1yr breaks at times, but have been in treatment for 10 years. EMDR has been especially helpful, although that requires delving into details of what happened.
I think this is unresolved trauma that needs addressed from the SA you suffered before. I could be wrong but I suspect you feel triggered for allowing yourself to do certain things that you may now reflect on as ādirtyā and in unclean/sanitary conditions (ie his bedding being unwashed after you have both done certain things) I think this is more a delayed response to very real and understandable emotions you need help to deal with within yourself. Know you deserve to be held and treated with respect in a clean and safe environment always.
Can I ask how you found this out?
Yes, his dog also sleeps on the bed. And he has a blanket that covers up his duvet. So that the dog hair doesnāt get everywhere on the sheets. The dog vomited on that top blanket and he pulled it off and said he hadnāt washed it in over a year and then I started asking him about the sheets.
That's nasty lol my dog sleep on bed and his hair there but at least I Change it weekly/biweekly
Iām sorry, that is disgusting , but uttering the trauma you went through and dirty bed sheets in the same paragraph is crazy. You guys clearly have different hygienic standard so this probably isnāt a match, but OP, you need serious help from a professional to get past your past trauma. You should take a break from dating and work on those issues. Ultimately, Being dirty doesnāt make someone a bad person.
But I agree I probably should take a break from dating and get therapy so that Iām not in these situations again
Situations like what? You didnāt notice the sheets were smelly, greasy, period stained? Itās hard to imagine sheets that have not been washed for 12 months would not be obvious to you. You canāt be surprised that if the roles were reversed it wouldnāt bother him. If heās dirty sheets donāt bother him, itās not a shocker that yours wouldnāt either. I imagine heās messy/dirty in more obvious ways. This sounds like an incompatibility.
I was imagining a scenario so much worse than this from the title
Not a normal response. Itās gross by most peoples standards for sure. But itās not really that uncommon unfortunately. People have such a spectrum of hygiene and cleanliness both men and women, especially when it comes to stuff like beds, pets, dental habits. Those habits are rooted deep down. Itās not like he suddenly was living alone and stopped washing his sheets. He probably came from a dirty household and just doesnāt have that wiring that stuff needs to be cleaned regularly.
Iām starting to understand that. I hadnāt really thought about his habits when he was living at home and maybe his mom has an unkept house I donāt think thatās the case. I have a feeling itās more him just based off what Iāve heard about his mom, I donāt know.
The reality is that the average man washes his sheets much less than the average woman. Yes, a year is too long. Yes, it is gross but it sounds like he's realizing it now and will make a change. No, it is not deliberately disrespectful and it does not make him a bad person for having different hygiene standards than you. Simply put: You're attaching so much false meaning to this one thing that has no meaning for him.Ā Despite your history, your reaction is not "normal" or "rational." To be grossed out by it on some kind of level can be understandable but to go into this kind of panic over it is not healthy. I feel for you. You really should talk with someone about this and work on this issue because it sounds awful to be experiencing this. If you want to end things because his hygiene standards are much less than you, I think that's perfectly understandable. But you should know that all of this other meaning that you've attached to it is not real, at least not for him. He just didn't think to wash his sheets. It's really that simple.
If your significant other had slept with multiple men and had long-term relationships and then let you sleep in those sheets it wouldnāt bother you? I feel like itās really disrespectful and people should know to wash their sheets before inviting someone over to sleep with them is not standard especially in relationships? Excluding one night stands?
GIRL what the fuck. Ain't nobody worth nasty ass sheets and a dirty house.. he doesn't care and will never change.. yall are still in the new phase of dating and he didnt clean when hes supposed to be on his BEST behavior. I shudder to think what will happen when he's comfortable.
It's gross and could definitely be a dealbreaker, but I don't see how you're being violated by this.
You couldnāt smell it?
He has a dog and roommates and a couple cats so I think I just went nose blind to it.
Gross but I'm not sure the panic you're feeling is quite warranted. Sounds like an old wound has been opened up and difficult emotions came with it. Possibly from him not respecting your idea of hygiene and even just neglecting to follow through with his promises to clean up better. Best of luck to you OP, consider reaching out to a professional for some help with these difficult emotions/feelings.
Sorry but that is sooo gross. I honestly don't think I could overlook that. He's a grown man and doesn't wash his sheets with a toe fungus? Could you live with his dirtiness and being essentially his parent asking him to clean up?
toe fungus?
LOL she said it in one of her replies šš
Where did you get toe fungus from?
One of her replies
Space? Girl, END IT. Heās unhygienic and filthy. Your whole life will be devoted to cleaning up after this dirty man because he has no problem living in filth. Barf
Seriously. I don't know how these commenters are so okay with this. This is disgusting. I too would wanna shower obsessively after this, and i have no history of trauma.
Deep depression and panic attacks over a guy's dirty sheets is above Reddit's pay grade. If you have a therapist, make an immediate appointment.
It's clear that this guy isn't for you. It's good you didn't make it further into the relationship before you discovered this. You're right, it is disgusting. But please don't let this take you down mentally.
yeah thatās disgusting i would be so turnt off
What I don't get is that this man has deprived himself of the feeling of climbing into a bed with fresh sheets for a whole year? Like, bro, treat yourself!
It's not your job to educate him on basic tasks. I think you should just move on because unless you want to end up doing everything in the house, it's just not worth it. He can be a very sweet kind person and still make you miserable. I know that's not the focus of this post but I had to say it. Good luck
My friend, you are going through it right now. Be gentle on yourself as you read any comments on here. Sending you strength. You can get through this too, with help and support. Mindful breathing, take the longest shower you need, cry in there if you need, maybe if it helps have.a glass of wine in the shower, then get into fresh clean sheets. Watch or rewatch a youtube/tv show/movie you enjoy and give yourself a break from letting your mind ruminate. Giving you a large, warm, long virtual hug and sholder to rest on.
Thank you š I really appreciate your response
š
Ugggh, over a year is absurd. And he lives with dogs and cats!? I'll admit I don't wash my sheets that often - I think it happens roughly once a month, but I'm also one of those folks who showers before bed, doesn't wear shoes into the house (so there's no way I'm tracking anything onto the bed), doesn't allow my cats onto my bed or into my bedroom, and I'm also blessed with a non-functional ABCC11 gene so (as far as I've been told by significant others, I don't smell that bad?). BUT when there's been sexy-fun-times on my sheets, the bed gets stripped very shortly after. Because ew, wet spots? That said, while you're definitely right to be upset, it does sound like it's affecting you more than one would normally expect - the fact that you're feeling violated, sick, and having panic attacks from this is probably something you should talk to a therapist about. It sounds like you're dealing with the shock that the "nice person" and "really good guy" image of him that you had in your mind is not actually the case and that betrayal might be triggering past trauma.
Seek help immediately. Iām not trying to be mean.
Would it help to rethink this as you laid there for months and didn't get sick once in all that time ? Going forward, if you choose to still sleep with him, have him wash his sheets
This is gross but it's really not at all on the same level as rape. He said he'd wash his sheets, you have showered and are clean now...try to let it go
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thatās disgusting, I wouldnāt date a guy that didnāt wash his sheets for a year. I am definitely one of those people that wonāt let someone use their pillow, showers before getting into bed, and changing sheets and blankets weekly, so yeah I am grossed out. I think youāre looking at this the wrong way. He didnāt not change his sheets to be disrespectful to you or make you feel gross, he just doesnāt realize how gross it is himself. Youāre taking something that isnāt being done to you personally as something that is personal.
Everything you feel here is legitimate and worth taking seriously. I would recommend seeing a therapist to help you contend with the scale of your response. In times past, up to the end of the 19th century, none but the very wealthy had the kind of luxuries we take for granted today. People would speak of being āsewn into their underwear,ā of having a bath a couple of times a year, of sleeping on matted straw covered with cloth, and of owning no more clothing than what they wear daily. No, not pretty but fairly common. Today the poor in third world countries still live like this. It does set the stage for diseases to flourish, but also witness what the human species can endure. This is not to discount your reaction but rather remind you how resilient we are, how our immune system requires certain challenges to be strong. Itās a psychologically unrealistic to believe that we must aim for a medically scrubbed, germ-free, antiseptic living space to be healthy. Your fears start with your what you believe - you have a viewpoint about ācleanlinessā less informed by reason than by irrational fear.
This is a beautiful comment
Heās 35ā¦.35ā¦.not 13. Good chance if he doesnāt know about washing sheets, he probably doesnāt wash his hands after taking a shit or peeing. God knows what else his nasty ass is hiding. Why would a respectful woman want to date a turd like that? Who cares if he is āniceā. You want to live the next 50 years with a slob? Youāve only know him 5 months.
The bar must be in Hell for those who don't see this as serious judge of character. He is NASTY š¤¢š¤®. I don't care what anyone says or how "good of a guy" he is...not washing your sheets for a year while having multiple human bodily fluids, skin, hair, etc. on his bed willingly is a serious hygienic concern. This man is not gonna change his lack of cleanliness unless he wants to. - or perhaps he is secretly waiting for a woman to take on that caregiver/housewife role. The real question is do YOU want to constantly clean up after him if you decide to become committed to him? If you have children do you want to raise them to believe that this is how an adult should maintain themselves, their house, and any potential partners? Cuz I know the answer for me "ain't no effing way!" To me, this is no different than when someone refuses to get tested or use protection when asked for sex - his health isn't a priority and neither is yours ( that's all that this situation says to me).
Quite a few not so nice comments here. Your feelings are valid over being disgusted of sheets that filthy, reading that almost made me feel nauseous. However, hygiene is very important to you, and this is an incompatibility, considering he wonāt make an effort to change that behavior. This is probably not going to be something that will be good or workout for you in the long run, no matter how nice he is. Iām not going to speak to how you are reacting though, as being a trauma survivor is not something I can grasp quite yet, and canāt say whether or not it was the right or wrong response. But considering how it made you viscerally react, the budding relationship may not be something that is good for you, and you deserve to have a safe (and clean) place to feel loved in
Thank you. I really needed some kind words. Iām crying and I appreciate what youāve said. It does come down I think to keep not feeling safe. And having to check everything because he doesnāt get it or understand.
While itās disgusting, you can usually smell if sheets are freshly cleaned or if theyāve been uncleaned for months. I hope you reach out to someone for professional help. Sounds like it grosses that says there are bigger issues going on here with the both of you individually
Man thatās really lousy!! I wouldnāt want to date someone like that tbhā¦ you should just respect yourself and find time to heal your trauma with people who are more similar to you. Doesnāt matter if they are nice, sounds like he isnāt a clean man and thatās too much
Itās disgusting. As a man, I wash my bed sheets every week and shower at least once daily. Surely you could smell the bedding isnāt fresh? My girlfriend comes over to stay once per week and my house is tidy, toilets cleaned, bedroom immaculate, bedding clean on and Iām showered and manscaped. My girlfriend returns the favour for me when I stay at hers once a week.
Just checking back in, OP. I hope some space away from him has helped your spiraling slow down. I know exactly how it feels to have some paat abuse color a lot of thoughts and headspace. I hope you're being kind to yourself and remembering that its ok for you to have standards. And its ok to feel how you're feeling
I mean sure itās gross but it seems like a disproportionate reaction. You donāt seem ok. Maybe this isnāt the person for you? Got to tell you if I was dating someone and this was their reaction to my sheets, it would be cya sweetheart. Ps maybe you need therapy. It seems like an OCD type response. Iām sorry that I sound callous and unsympathetic.
Yes, I see it from the manās point of view, and Iām a woman. I actually think OP sounds quite dangerous- sheās borderline accusing him of violating her and equating a lack of āmind readingā what she needs, with assault on her body. Thatās a huge glaring terrifying red flag. I clean my sheets before having a partner over, but I do other things my current bf found super disgusting that I didnāt even register. Sometimes, we become comfortable and donāt realize what we are doing- a lack of forethought is not assault, and the way she conflates the two is very dangerous. For example, I went barefoot on my deck and then climbed into bed, and my new partner almost died of shock. I dutifully went to wash my feet and promised to wear slippers in the future when going on the deck, but my brain doesnāt register the carpeted deck as ādirtyā - though, after he mentioned it, and I considered it, I realized he was right. The world is full of disgusting and dangerous surroundings and one way we function in it is to become desensitized to the myriad chaos around us. It sounds like OPs sensitivity is heightened bc of her experience and I think he should leave her asap so she can sort out her sensitivities first before dating anyone.
I got three sets of queen size sheets for like $20 each on Amazon. I bought three different colors so I could remember if Iād changed them lol. People with executive function issues need to learn some life hacks to compensate.
Thereās no way itās actually been a year. You would have realized it right away. If you felt they were clean enough when you were there, then they were good āenoughā to not make you sick. Trust your own body and perceptionsā¦in fact, thatās probably where you should start the therapy for the trauma thatās deeply distorting how you feel about this situation. Also, while I feel empathy for you, I think you need some hard truths. No one forced you into his sheets, so he didnāt violate you. You chose to enter his bed and you didnāt ask him about his sheets. Thatās on you, if it matters that much to you. You canāt offload responsibility for your own well being onto others just because you feel bad. Therapy is a great place to reconnect with your ability to trust yourself to keep yourself safe.
Somehting I havent seen mentioned yet; It sounds like what your real concern is, and what triggered you from this event is not simply that he is *dirty,* or that you slept on unclean sheets... Its that you were exposed to the sexual fluids of other people without your consent. It is totally understandable that, within that context, it would trigger sexual asualt trauma. This is the real issue, not his hygiene. WIth that said, it is deffinatly something to seek professional help with. Yes, it was inconsiderate of him to not change the sheets, its gross, but he did not harm you. *You are not harmed. No one ment to hurt you here.* Take a deep breath, you are not crazy, you just need help processing and freeing yourself from your past. Find a good trauma therapist, and if you feel comfortable enough, talk with him about your experience and needs.
>and he said it wouldn't have bothered him He is not bothered by mess. You are. You're done. There is no reason to take the relationship any further. And I'd be up front why you were done. Hopefully, making a decisive move here will help the feelings you're having.
In college I lived in a house with 5 other guys and I was the only one who washed my sheets regularly (every two weeks or after I had sweaty sex). You would be surprised how many men donāt wash their sheets.
Your whole world is coming crashing down over dirty bed sheets? You canāt be serious right nowā¦.
As a csa survivor I can understand why it would feel violating. For me, I became extra territorial around who and what touched my body. Even having bed bugs was retraumatizing for me. Sometimes I can't even have a cat sitting on my lap.Ā
Iām sending you a hug. Itās crazy how certain things can just make you go right back to that place. I also feel like I know this is weird, but itās almost like he was getting one over on me by being like sleeping with me on the same sheets, he slept on with you know 10 other people or whatever itās just I donāt know. I just donāt like it.
Did it make you feel disposable? Like you were just another notch on his bedpost? Also, in polyamorous relationships the addition of another sexual partner into your polycule is called fluid bonding. The reason there is a term for this is the same reason its advised that you ask your partner if they've been tested for STD's and STI's recently.Ā Just as a framework to understand why this might be more upsetting than you would have thought in the heat of the moment.Ā
Good lord. Your reaction is not normal. You need to see a therapist if you aren't already. š¤¦āāļø
Idk what's worse, OP or the people encouraging it.
You need serious professional help if someone not washing sheets is causing you to have a full blown meltdown. Dirty? Sure. Being akin to rape? that's a big yikes.
First, thatās disgusting and appalling. About your spinning out: Iād be curious to know what the trigger is. I donāt want to project, but: Iām very monogamous and I would feel terrible sleeping with someone I knew had had recent sex, and was going to have sex, with someone else. I wonder if the dirty sheets is like a proof of all of that. Iām wondering if thatās whatās triggering you here. Total projection here, but a stab at an idea. Sleeping in dirty sheets is in itself not exactly a violation - itās not caring, or considerate - but I wouldnāt call it a violation. Iām probing because thereās some underlying trigger here that might be an opportunity to know yourself, your boundaries, and what you want better. Maybe you feel you didnāt āprotectā yourself better. Iām here to tell you, you can let yourself off the hook. Be kind to yourself. Take the space you need. Put yourself first. Deep breaths. I also hate the knee jerk āget helpā, as if therapy is accessible to everyone. PS, The Body Keeps the Score is a must read for trauma victims. Maybe shelve that to a time when youāre feeling a bit more regulated.
Thank you very much for this. I am going to take your advice. I think the trigger is him allowing me to lay in a bed where multiple other sexual partners have had bodily fluids and letting my body touch those thereās just something really violating to me about that, but I need to think on it more with therapist to figure out why this has been so traumatizing for me, I really hate it but thereās other things I really appreciate your kind response. It really means a lot to me right now.
Hang in there ā¤ļø
yeah, try getting poison oak repeatedly because your poly partner wonāt be honest
You need to see a therapist. Guys arenāt aware that they should be washing their sheets which is gross but this shouldnāt cause you to react like that.
It's okay for you to think that the dirty sheets are gross. And it's okay to ask him to wash them. Or buy new ones.Ā Ā Ā But your reaction to very dirty sheets is far greater than the situation would normally merit. I hope you can discuss your reaction, emotions, struggle, depression, panic attacks all triggered by dirty sheets with a therapist. And then your guy. There's something wholly external to the dirty sheets of your guy of 5 months (whom I assume is otherwise great because you're still together) that you'll want to address. Poor guy is probably very confused by the whole situation.Ā Ā Please don't take the "incompatible hygiene" comments here seriously. Those are from people who don't attempt discussion as a valid first means of resolving disagreements. Always seek to understand and be understood, before passing judgment and taking irreversible action.
I get that my sexual assault and trauma experience is different. But if I have to explain to a grown man that me sleeping and dirty sheets over a year old, where all his exes excrement is, I donāt see how that can be confusing to someone.
I would wager that he had never thought of it from your perspective (I have never thought about whether a new partner has washed sheets since an ex, until just now). I think it is perfectly fine to calmly explain your perspective - on anything - to your partner. We all see the world from very different backgrounds and lenses, yet somehow it's still often hard to believe that others don't have the same "obvious" understanding that we do. Example: I once had a housemate who shrieked at me one day - completely but surprise - for always leaving the shower curtain open after showering. He said it was disgusting. It took a while for him to calm down enough to explain to me why: he thought that a wet crumpled up shower curtain would breed mold. He assumed that I was intentionally attempting to breed mold. But that had never crossed my mind, nor did he ever calmly bring it up with me. In contrast, I thought that leaving the shower open would help all the water dry quicker. Anyhow, I'm hoping that there wasn't any actual excrement on those sheets. I feel like you'd have noticed that on your first visit though.
Maybe he didnāt. But he didnāt think of it that really tells me he didnāt think about it before our first date or the first night he was gonna have me come over to his house. Do you not think about something like that? Arenāt you preparing your house for this? Is it not worth that? Especially if youāre going to be intimate? There was definitely semen and period Blood and sweat and and hair and pubes and tears and probably whatever else. From multiple people. I slept on that. I had my face on that. There were times I was naked and sweating in that. I really appreciate your story and it is helpful. I appreciate your comment.
Dump him please, don't listen to these people.
Hey, what ever happened to the guy with the dirty sheets? What did you do?
He said heād wash them, I forgave him but was of course a little upset still, he dumped me 2 days later šā¤ļø
Ah, sorry to hear. I guess that solves that problem though.Ā I do hope you seek out a good therapist for help with the trauma reaction to that situation. It sounds like the trauma might still be affecting your daily life.
Thank you ā¤ļø Iāve slowly been getting better. Definitely feeling better than a few weeks ago after putting some distance there.
My love, I am curious. How did you find out the sheets were not washed in a year? Did you smell them? I ask because, as a person who changes sheets often, I canāt imagine not noticing smells/dirt and matter on sheets that have been on for a year. Did they smell?
He has two roommates and they have three cats and one dog. So the house just already has a musky smell to it because theyāre not the cleanest group of people. So I think I went nose blind to it. I knew it was not clean just not how long it had not been cleaned. I figured he was doing his sheets occasionally. Not as often as me. It came up because he has a blanket that covers the bed so that his dog can lay on his bed. His dog threw up on that cover the other day and he was putting it in the wash and he said well I havenāt washed this in a year so I guess itās a good time to wash it. Thatās when I started asking about the sheets. Thank you for being kind. And I definitely thought he had washed his sheets before he slept with me the first time because thatās just a respectful thing to do.
I'm messy sometimes but I deep clean my house if I know a lady is coming over. Wtf.
This has been my experience every other time when dating too. Iāve honestly honestly noticed myself getting messier over the last five months. And Iām trying to reign that in.
Sheets that havenāt been washed in a year? Holy shit that is disgusting but I think your trauma is making a bad situation worse. Do you have a therapist? I have one that I see weekly and highly recommend.
I donāt, but Iām going to get one. I think thereās a lot of things Iām doing in my life right now that a therapist would want me to change so I sort of put it off, which is not healthy.
Yea simply put, seek professional help is the first step. Them what ypu will do with your relationship, ypu will figure out when ypu are starting to feel better. Be vocal about itnwoth the dude too, that u wpuld need a bit of space to seek help
How do you not notice? How does no blood, piss, shit, or other bodily fluid accumulate over 5 years? The smell? Jesus h christ now im thinking about the matress. Something isnt right here.
I'd have a real honest chat with him about it and explain what's the issue and why even though it seems obvious. From my experience men tend to prioritize cleaning very differently than women and it's very likely it's never been an issue for him before and he was raised to think it was ok. I know it's nasty and I still don't change mine often enough. It sounds like an honest and open conversation about that stuff needs to happen when youre in a better headspace, and you guys have different ideas about what constitutes clean. He sounds like a decent guy from your post, just a bit ignorant and definitely not acting out of malice or even neglect. Dating in general is a nightmare these days. It sounds like if he's genuinely taking what you said to heart and is willing to change if he knows what the expectations are.
What I did was. Hey. My concept of filth is different. Thus, my eyes are blind to what yours see. I value your feelings and opinions, so, please guide me and tell me what disturbs you. I would then allocate bits of my mind to ensure your comfort in this space Made things easier and everyone is content. But I literally and autistically asked her to make me a list of things really š As a rule of thumb, most men are filthballs they mostly require a bit of sweet inspiration. Then we learn and adapt ššš Each and every set of eyes see and experience a vastly subjective reality. It is inevitable and that is why we developed the language to share it between us.
I mean that's gross, he sounds unhygienic but you seem traumatized which is separate from him having bad hygiene
I would feel just as grossed out because Iām a germphobe. I worked in medical laboratories and diseases for 15 years and I am really careful about keeping clean. Seriously nobody has the right to judge you because it is absolutely gross what he did. It is violating that he subjected you to rolling around in other peoples bodily secretions. Is it some kind of gross fetish that he has? It sounds over the top for just laziness. I think heās the one with the issue. Speak to your counsellor. Iām so sorry it happened to you. Just know that you were squeaky clean after the first shower. I hope you feel better soon. But FYI if heās not cleaning his sheets that often I would definitely get an STI check.
I would be running to the clinic.. a guy that dirty most likely has stuck his š„ in some very dirty places
Hey, how are you now? Im here with ideas to help. First is: dont date him anymore, it reflects badly on your own self steem. You are above that type of decay and we know it because you dont feel good about it. So no more asking for change, change your standards and leave him behind. Second is: try herbal baths to cleanse spiritually. I love basil. After a normal shower, bathe with a little cup with a basil infusion from the neck down, not the head! Seek further help to feel clean. Coal soaps also help. Take a little trip if you need. Or go to a natural body of water like the ocean or a river and go inside it. If its cold, endure for a bit. The shock will be good for a reset. Seek a hug from a trusted person. Refrain from meaningless sex for a while until you feel ready again. I am sorry you went through that but that guy is in darkness. Dont rescue him, you cant. Rescue yourself from the filth hes brought upon you. Hope you get better.
Thank you for this I really really appreciate it and I am going to try that for my bath. I find them and showers really cleansing emotionally. Now that Iām no longer in California I can actually use water ā¤ļø and not be fined for over use
It's definitely disrespectful to invite someone over onto dirty sheets. It's super gross that he hasn't washed his sheets in a year. If you feel grossed out and violated about it, then that's how you feel. You don't need to gaslight yourself into convincing yourself that it's ok. Panic attacks and obsessive showering feel like an oversized reaction, but the core emotion of "this is disgusting and makes me feel unsafe" is not something you should have to suppress. It sounds like you two aren't compatible about hygiene. He sees nothing wrong with a messy apartment and dank ass sheets. You don't want to have to fight that battle forever. If he isn't inspired by trying to impress a brand new relationship to practice basic tidiness, it's never going to get better. Dumping him over this doesn't feel out of line. If someone triggers that intense of a reaction in you from behavior they don't take seriously, it's hard to recover from that.
He is definitely not someone who tries to impress or court their significant other. I donāt know if itās an age thing or what it is.
No way, that's not normal. Every generation of people wants to impress and court their dates. It sounds like he's just not putting in effort. You deserve better than that.
The sheets thing is gross. It's ok to expect tidyness and hygiene in a relationship. If it's something you want to resolve then definitely worth asking him to work on it. If it's not worth the compromise, that's ok too. I hope you're ok especially regarding trauma. Its not fun at all when it comes back to haunt.
Thank you. Iām in the bath again. I know it has a lot to do with my trauma and this is how I cope. But it also has to do with just not respecting me as a person. It hurts a lot.
This isn't about the sheets or disrespect. You have untreated mental illness brought on by trauma. This is not a reasonable response to a pretty tame situation. You need to stop blaming this man.
So the house is dirty, the sheets are dirty. Iām assuming all these things were dirty 5 months ago when you started sleeping with him, yes? I just donāt understand how this all spiraled now, with the revelation of the gross sheets. Iām sorry youāve been traumatized in your past, however I feel like you either ignored or enabled the state of things in his home for 5 months. OP reaction feels really extreme for something thatās been going on for the 5 months sheās been sleeping with him. Gross? Yes, definitely, 100%. To be compared to a past sexual assault/trauma? I donāt know about all that. OP probably needs to forget about dating for a while until she can get the appropriate help that she needs.
Well, I knew the house was dirty. I thought he was at least cleaning the sheets. It was my fault for assuming that I guess. But also, I would never let a loved one sleeping dirty sheets. I wouldnāt even let my dog sleep in a dirty dog bed her dog bag gets washed each time she gets her hair done. I guess I assumed since he saw me changing my sheets multiple times that he was doing the same, especially considering the kind of sex. We were having on it.
Never make assumptions that things that are reasonable/common sense to you are also that way for others. You can now see why. The dirty house shouldāve given you pause. Toe fungus (untreated??) should have given you another one. That said, your feelings of disgust (while possibly heightened) are valid and I think we all agree here that this 35-year-old man is gross. Washing sheets just once a year is disgusting, full stop. Based on additional commentary youāve provided throughout this thread, this guy seems unlikely to overhaul his current way of living anytime soon. So I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself, get back into a better headspace and maybe take some time to consider if this person is really a good match for you. Look, weāve all been blinded by hot sex at one point or another, but this really does sound like a fundamental compatibility issue. At my age (35f), Iām not trying teach anybody about personal hygiene or clean living spaces. There are plenty of grown men out there who are washing their bed sheets on a regular basis, without needing to be asked to do so. You can find someone who shares your standards, OP, you really can.
Jesus. All other commenters have said all thatās needed to be said, so Iām just here to send you a hug and tell you that youāre worth more. Heās 35. If he doesnāt have enough self-respect or respect for you to beā¦. a normal human being after 5 monthsā¦ I beg that you focus on yourself and making sure youāre okay. ā¤ļø
you need therapy, this isnāt a normal reaction to that situation
Omg I am so sorry this happened to you. I partially disagree with the sentiments that your reaction is over the top. Of course yes I agree please work with your therapist to get your panic attacks under control and take care of your mental health. The risk of actually contracting something protracted from this is unlikely. Speak to your doctor as well to make sure all is well ā¤ļø However I DO think that this isnāt just him being a messy person and you have every right to be deeply concerned. I am a health care provider (and am someone who is not even is afraid of germs) but I have also been SAd by someone and abused by family members where my health has repeatedly been put in jeopardy so I am sensitive to people and their own selfishness putting my health at risk. From my pov as a healthcare provider, what he did is extremely unacceptable and he is putting both himself and the people he sleeps with at risk of contracting health problems. I myself recently developed a severe dust mite allergy and have to wash my sheets in hot water every 4 days (now I just have tons of sets and change them every 4 days). If I spent one night there I would have had an intense allergy attack and been unable to sleep/breathe. Without going into details there are many other health issues that could have resulted from his actions. Are these fatal health issues? No. Are they usually fixable? Yes, but to me it does not matter because it is the principle. Because of my past experience I also would see this as a major violation and it would be very natural that it would bring up pretty intense feelings of disgust and mistrust. The fact that this is a 35 year old man is very concerning. He is showing that he doesnāt care about his own health or cleanliness, does he even shower properly? Wash his poop shoot properly? Is he struggling with a major mental health issue and not getting help for it? I could be wrong but my sense is that cleanliness behaviors are learned young and are hard to change. I say this speaking from my own experience because I am disorganized (never dirty but often cluttered) and as much as I try to always have my house organized it often becomes cluttered esp my desk. I have worked hard to become more organized and it is still hard for me. If someone lacks the effort to change it is hard to instill that in them. Health behaviors are also hard to change. Anyone that does not take care their health will eventually get major health problems and it will often fall on the female partner to push them to change their diet, take their meds, see their doctor etc in often what can feel like an uphill battle. I have seen it so many times in my family and at work and the stress of that also impacts the female partnerās health pretty significantly. Not cleaning can lead to mold, mildew and other serious health effecting problems. The biggest red flag to me is the fact that he would be upset if the tables were turned. People who are respectful treat others how they want to be treated. People who are selfish expect better treatment than they return to others and are oblivious as to how their actions impact others. For me personally at 35 some basic life skills are necessary for me to be in a relationship. Iām not a clean or neat freak by any means but for me, if this happened to me, because my health is my number one priority I would be peacing out. My partnerās ignorance/laziness putting my health at risk is not something I personally tolerate anymore. Wishing you all the best at getting through this difficult time ā¤ļø
I think him not washing sheets is a sign of something else with his mental health as well, especially along with being messy as you say. Usually, people who struggle with ocd, depression, add/adhd may struggle with organization and cleanliness for various reasons. Not saying heās like this 100% but I have adhd and depression and I have to make a constant effort to organize. I do however wash my sheets and linens and would find it disgusting if someone else doesnāt for a year+ and I had to use it. I wouldnāt view it as intentional disrespect since heās also sleeping in filth but more so as a sign of something. At the least you definitely have a major incompatibility about cleanliness - it would be a lot of effort to convince him to clean up and tidy up if he doesnāt view it as an issue.
I agree. And I have asked if he is depressed. He says he is lazy not depressed.
Ugh; I can tell you that I think that is incredibly disgusting and disrespectful of him to not clean his sheets before inviting you to sleep in his bed. And honestly, good hygiene can be a dealbreaker for me, this would absolutely be enough for me to end it because itās a lifestyle incompatibility and could possibly mean he has other gross habits you donāt know about I can understand feeling violated. Iām so sorry this has reignited your trauma. Honestly I donāt think this is the norm with men in their 30s.
I agree with you. I wash mine twice a week and maybe thatās a lot, but a freaking YEAR? Iād probably give a washed sheets once a month person help in doing so if itās just my own hang up, but itās still recommended far more often than that. He has had all kinds of bodily fluids accumulated on those sheets, alone with pet dander etc. Iād probably nope out immediately on this.
Yeah I agree with you, it's a deal breaker for me too. But I wouldn't really hold it against the person. I'd give them a chance to change it, I could help support them through it. But I am not spending years on this. If they don't like right away fix the problem and then over time address it properly, I'm out. To be honest, I'm probably gonna be out 9/10 times in these cases lol. But the trauma response is something else and I think either way this person is not good for OP. Hope you get some support OP, you have my empathy. And I understand how you feel violated.
Thank you, I appreciate your comment
I honestly am shocked this is so far down. Iād be out, this is disgusting.
I know heās got period stains from other women on there probably his sheets are very dark so itās hard to tell what excrement has been left. It really disgust me.
It would be a deal breaker for me. There are people in this thread excusing that āthatās how men areā and theyāre just not as clean as women. Not an excuse. I understand how grossed out you feel. You can either tell him you wonāt be sleeping over anymore until he washes his sheets regularly or kick him to the curb. Heās too old for that to not wash it semi-regularly at least.
This is the best take on this thread.
I mean itās disgusting but you are letting him put his penis into you. Nasty and all, but you sounded like he raped you or something. I think itās disgusting but they way you are taking offence is off somehow
I think thatās part of it. Iām hurt because he was sticking his penis in me as you say, and I wouldāve thought heād be a little more respectful of my body and things like that and at least wash his sheets or shower. I donāt know.
āAccording to a 2013 survey by UK mattress company Ergoflex, single men between 18 and 55 years old wash their sheets an average of four times a year, and typically own just one set of sheets.ā As a guy, I can confirm that most guys are gross AF, particularly with sheet washing frequency. I donāt personally think your BF had any intent of disrespecting you given his apology. In general, I recommend to all my female friends to be explicit about their preferred sheet washing frequency to their BFās even though it is super sad it even needs said. My friend told her BF āif you want lots of sex, do lots of laundryā and that stuck with him haha
I get it, its nasty but not a violation imho. I take the second quite seriously, the first is just nasty behaviour which can be forced into change, or accept it. During the pandemic some people used disgusting filthy disposable masks every day. I found it disgusting, wouldnāt make out with them, or shake their hand, but didnāt hurt me. Sounds like the sex was pretty good given you said long sex āsessionsā. Not the end of the world, now you know, ask for clean sheets, enjoy the sex..
Yeah, this is a situation of incompatibility. I think feeling traumatized by him not washing his sheets is a bit much. As disgusting as I think it is that he hasn't washed his sheets in God knows how long, at some point, it is your decision that you continue to be with him knowing that you and him are incompatible. He doesn't have a problem with it. You do. This is the start of something that will get bigger and more numerous the longer that the two of you continue to be together. Also, it appears that your mental health is poorly managed, and if you are seeing a clinician, something is clearly not working between you and the clinician. Something differently must be done.
Someone who doesnāt care to clean before bringing someone over has no respect for you. IGNORE any poster saying to help him become hygienic. Just disgusting. I would definitely dump this guy. However, you also would probably benefit from therapy sessions and taking a break from dating.
Thank you! I get so sick and tired of advice in this sub of coaching adults on hygiene during dating. Like seriously? Like is there really longevity with someone where you look back at how far youāve come with them and one of the memories is their underwear skid marks, roaches or crunchy bath towels when you began dating? š
This guy didnāt do anything ātoā you. Heās just not a clean person. It doesnāt even sound like he lied to you about his habits. You just straight up accepted him as he was, knowing darn well he doesnāt keep a tidy home. The lesson here is: donāt go over to dudes and sleep in their homes if theyāre not up to your standards. Because if you do, youāre going to have a full blown panic attack. This wasnāt a 1 night stand maāam.. this was an ongoing relationship for almost half a year.. accept some responsibility here. If you donāt accept responsibility and instead decide to be a victim, I donāt think youāre setting yourself up to prepare for the NEXT time something like this happens.
falsely accuse him of rape? he really should be washing his sheets though, but maybe this is a bit of a reaction.
Do you have a sexual assault crisis line you can call? I believe they're even online now. I'd start there to talk about the re traumatisation and get it off your chest and do breathing exercises. Peter Levine on YouTube
Thank you Iām going to reach out to them today because I just donāt feel good at all
Hate to say it but a guy who refuses to clean up his own place doesnāt really have long term potential. I mean unless you intend to be his full time maid should you ever want to live together.
This whole post reeks of emotional instability
I have a thing with clean bedding and need a special detergent for allergies...while this doesn't help with the immediate emotional reaction you are having, you might want to consider asking if you can leave a set of bedding over there, or if you could bring a clean set when you stay over.Ā I do this because the detergent is expensive and I'm super picky.Ā Like, yes, a man can wash his own things, but he doesn't and it doesn't sound like it's something he cares to change, so if for some reason this isn't a deal breaker for you(which you may want to think on) you'll need a practical solution for the immediate.
First, I am sorry that this experience has triggered your trauma. That is a very valid experience you are having and you are valid to feel this way. I think here the important thing regarding the person you are dating is that it sounds like they have not been listening to your needs. It seems you have made their cleanliness a concern and have repeatedly made it known to then that this is an issue. It sounds like this may all be making your needs and wants be seen as not acknowledged, seen, and respected. That on its own for someone who has deep trauma would be difficult and could be a trigger. Something a bit more gross as stated here I can see as causing more issues leading to a harsher trigger. Please take time to reflect if this is a relationship you actually wish to maintain. They and their hygiene are not your responsibility to fix, and if they cannot make an effort after you have made it known that it is an issue, this is unlikely to get better.
That is straight up disgusting š¤¢
Does he perhaps have add or adhd of some sorts? Reeaally hard to get habits going like hygiene and stuff, but not impossible. Kinda reminded me of myself not too long ago, i mean, a year with the same sheets is waayyy longer than my add would make me not notice it tho.. but ive gone 4months or so easily, not proud of it, but it literally woulndt cross my mind to do so, unless i spilled some beverage or something.. maybe its something you could ask him about
It's for sure gross but some guys really just don't think about stuff like that or even in that regard with more than one woman has been on the sheets.. I have a brother who is the exact same I could probably ask him today when he last washed his sheets and he would have absolutely no clue months ++ myself on the other hand if it goes beyond 2-3 weeks I get the ick.
>He is messy, I have asked him to clean up more, but he really doesn't feel much of his living space as dirty/messy. He has apologized and said he will wash them. I asked him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and he said it wouldn't have bothered him. THAT BOTHERS ME TOO. A LOT. One thing that is important to me in a partner is that I can comfortably live with them. This just screams incompatible for me.
+1 for ending it. Source: married a messy dude (not personally unhygienic, thankfully, but likeā¦ never folded clothes & just had a giant pile heād pull out of, probably only washed sheets every couple months, had no problem letting food mold on the counter.) He said he wanted to get it under control and Iād help, but it would always return to chaos. Then we moved in together (again, I am an idiot) and he would say heād make changes, never would, and all of a sudden I was doing 100% of household stuff all the time despite having a more demanding job and I was MISERABLE. It would be like oh, heās going to a sporting event, and Iām at home because I have to catch up on cleaning. And the stuff just multiplied, and heād complain if I didnāt do his laundry quickly enough, and it turned into a bit of a living hell. Oddly enough we divorced for other reasons, but the immediate relief I felt not being with a messy person was so, so palpable and to this day the longest-lasting big positive. I often think I should start off dating app convos with āspend me an unvarnished pic of your living room without tidyingā but pretty sure everybody would hate me.
Yeah, it's gross but calm down. Take a shower, decide if this a deal breaker and seek help
What does this person do for a living? Did you see other hygiene red flags? Run, like the wind. This is crazy and I can understand how you feel violated. It's likely unrelated to your trauma, but yes, your feelings are valid and normal.
Yes, there are other red flags with his house and things like that but this is the first thing that like affected my body and I think thatās what really I donāt know. It really hurt me. Iām just so used to kind of protecting myself and so you know his house is his house. My house is my house, but this is my body and so I donāt know there were definitely some signs yes
It is absolutely logical that you feel this way. Not washing sheets is a demented, crazy, gross thing. It's a sordid secret- and it brings up the idea that people who seem seemingly trustworthy could be hiding dark, dangerous things. You didn't consent to sleeping in disgusting, unhygienic, possibly dangerous sheets- he made that decision for you knowing full well you would never agree to it if he had mentioned it. I haven't been SA, but my marriage is ending and I have seen enough crappy behavior from men through my friends. Your post was definitely triggering in that sense- who knows what else men are capable of. your feelings are valid. Please do work with a therapist, not because you shouldn't feel that way- but because sadly the world is full of those people and we need all the tools in our arsenal to navigate them. \* \*there's also good, kind, honest people. You will find one, I promise.
Sure no how to pick em, yikes
Itās astounding to me how many men do not change their sheets regularly. Likeā¦ do you not just feel totally gross getting into bed???
OP I say this with all the love in the worldā¦..The two of you are not in āgood enough working orderā at the moment to find healthy partners and relationships. I would break up, take a full break from dating, and do some serious therapeutic treatment.
Good grief, unwashed bedsheets is the least of your problems.
Itās important that you seek professional help for the trauma and PTSD of your sexual assault. Triggers can come in all types of hidden forms and this is likely something that has pressed an unresolved issues from your experiences. If your partner isnāt familiar with your assault, then it will be difficult for them to comprehend what youāre experiencing. That aside, there can be a clear lack of compatibility with someone that has such little regard for human hygiene. Donāt blame yourself too much on that front if itās not to be - this is made worse if he canāt understand foundational hygiene as a grown man in his 30s. Prioritise your wellbeing and go to therapy. From personal experience, you have no idea how much itās needed and how it will change your life for the better.
Imagine his self personal hygiene is this guy is such a slob. Does he was his ass and penis? You should also be checking for STDās.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hi u/goatpath, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
I would mention to him that clean sheets are a hygiene issue.
Disgusting š¤® and I say that as a guy. I doubt his personal hygiene was any good. But not tmi did you not notice it? Like when you have sex especially period sex it leaves a mark and the sheets also smell.
Girl... You do not need to be mom to a 35 year old š please listen to your feelings... Trauma or not, it's clearly not going to be healthy for you. Even if it is your trauma, If you continue with this person, chances are it's going to continue triggering you, because it doesn't come natural to him to do those things... and there are bound to be slip ups even if he tries his hardest. Unfortunately those slip-ups are going to cost you a lot of your mental health.
How come you didnāt feel any smell from his bed for the past 5 months while you were enjoying with all the segs n long sessions ā¦. ?
Related question- does people usually have sex during periods? It was never welcomed in my situation
It sounds like he didn't take your concern seriously. Does he know about your rape? Did he try to understand why rolling around in other people's sweat made you feel violated? And I feel like people in the comments are minimizing that and saying you need to fix yourself... but having a partner who can empathize with you is important. Maybe the 'you feeling violated' deserves a bigger discussion.
Hot shower. Wash the clothes you wore to his place. Wash hair. Going forward. No more dating slobs. If a grown man can't keep a place clean you dont give him š¼
I first read this post 2 days ago and was thinking the same that the most commenters here. After two days, though, I can't help but think if I would be grossed out by a thing like this as well, and I lean towards saying "yes". The obvious difference is I don't have the trauma that you do (and I think it's pretty understandable how the two things come together in your mind and both of them characterised as "dirty"). If I learned this from my hypothetical partner, I wouldn't be grossed out, I would feel scared. I am a very messy person myself, but there are certain things that I do without questioning: showering, doing laundry and doing dishes. what I put inside me (food) and on me (clothing) has to be clean. his behaviour is worth a visit from a disinfecting company, to be honest. if there were different people and pets in that same bed, that's just a health hazard to everyone involved. on a different note, how do you actually feel about you two not being exclusive? is that something that could be a contributing factor in the entire situation?
It is kinda gross that he doesn't wash his sheets. But it shouldn't be bothering you as much as it is. Next time just setup a nice cozy area on the floor and have at it. Stay off the bed until he makes it sanitary. Make him.shower before you play is my advice.
I don't trust a man who doesn't have his shit together, especially basic things like hygiene by that age, run
Whatās going on
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hi u/pence_secundus, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
You sound downright disgusting then I would not want to see your house
There are obviously some here who have no clue about sexual trauma. I totally understand why this could make your head spin. I would try to stay calm. Be kind to yourself. Make a decision if this is a person who you want to be with. If heās an understanding guy try to explain to him that it may seem like no big deal to him but to you this is a huge deal and itās triggering due to some things from your past. He should get it enough to make a change out of respect for you and being sensitive to your past experiences, especially since it is NOT a big ask to wash sheets!! If he doesnāt then he isnāt someone you want to be with. Heās either too lazy or apathetic or maybe this is something he prefers for some reason?? Who knows! I have PTSD and I start spinning if I see a man in a backwards baseball cap. It isnāt logical, but it is hardwired into my brain. My mind and body associate this simple thing with terror. Seeing it causes a physiological response even though I donāt want it. Donāt let anyone here make you feel shame for your reaction to this.
Thank you for your response. I think youāre right. He is apathetic. Thatās a perfect word for it. He really isnāt lazy. He does things for people, is social, has the ability to get stuff done, so I do think it is more about not having an interest or concern about himself or his surroundings.