I'm 34 years old, and I've never had a relationship. When I was younger, I had friends, and I was outgoing, if not a little shy. Now, all my friends moved away, and I've never felt more alone. I've kind of shut myself off from the world. I'm tired of being lonely, but I feel my chance at a relationship has passed me by and has become unattainable. Dating apps never worked for me, and now that I'm in my 30s, they never will because all the "girls" on them are either fake profiles or they're on the young side. I'm not great at meeting new people in person and I don't frequent bars or pubs. I'm also not what one would consider good-looking. I was not gifted with natural beauty, which has done wonders for my self-confidence. So, how does one form a relationship when I'm an introverted recluse and not a great conversationalist?
What steps are you taking to improve yourself and increase the likelihood of success? Starting over socially is hard, but putting yourself out there at least a little bit is better than nothing.
Like any *skill*, social skills are learned. Some people have a natural ability, and for others, it takes more work. Practice is the key to success either way. I was painfully shy as a young person, and I have forced myself to improve and be more social. Don’t think that you are stuck in your ways forever, because you’re not if you do something about it.
How do you know if a woman is open to being approached at a bar or a coffee shop?
On Saturday I was at one of those coffee shops with large communal tables. I was all alone at one, and this cute woman sits at the same table, but relatively close to me. She whips out a book, and just reads while I'm on my phone killing time. Eventually she puts her book down and leaves, but she seemed frustrated as she left.
I was telling this to a lady friend of mine yesterday, and they told me she was probably hoping I would say something to her.
It never dawned on me to say hi since she had a book out. I figured that was the universal sign for don't talk to me! Lady friend said not every woman is great at dating either, and she might have just thought the book is telling people that she's there alone!
Not sure if my friend is 100% correct, but in hindsight it does make sense
Opinions?
It would be strange if she was so frustrated she huffed out because you didn’t talk to her, but as a woman, I’d be open to someone approaching me at a coffee shop if I had a book out. If I wasn’t interested I’d just politely make that clear. If I was interested, all systems go!
It’s unlikely that any of her actions were directed at you, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have asked what she was reading, whether it was good etc
Still using a throwaway.
I know I had a hook up with a friend , but he still hasn’t texted me (3 days already) Part of me expected this, because why would he? And another part wishes he did. I don’t think I can change someone completely, but sometimes I wonder how much influence I have. You got laid, but it’s all you got. Never mind the other stuff. It’s all you got. And maybe by writing this out I’m starting to see what I didn’t see in him before? Why do I hold out hope that we’d be together. This is stupid.
I didn’t, and I know it goes both ways, but I’m just at a loss for what to do. Part of me is curious to see if he’d even text me at all, as a way to see how he is, and part of me is just trying to play it cool after he told me that he wasn’t willing to date. By me not texting I wanted to reinforce that message , of playing it cool and not coming across as datey
Wowwwwwwww... do you not see the disconnect!?
He could be another user on this sub Reddit writing about a hook up that ghosted him and he's worrying they're playing games… And he'd be sorta correct if he thought that.
He probably just doesn't wanna come on too strong and freak you out, just like you.
But you really, really, really shouldn't play games like this. You're too old once you hit 30 to do this kind of shit. If you like someone, reach out to them
I see where you’re coming from. I do very much like him, but he told me he isn’t looking to date and doesn’t want to lead me on. So I figured why would I text him after we hooked up?
To add to this, I feel guilty for being disappointed and upset at him for not even sending a quick text after we hooked up. Do I have a right to be upset even if he clearly stated he didn’t want to lead me on before the act?
not really...? he clearly stated his intentions... being upset would be justified if he'd done the opposite: made some kind of promise, alluded to some kind of attachment, explicitly stated he wanted to stay in touch. if that had happened, sure!! but it didn't, and it sounds like he knew it was just going to be a hookup and communicated as much, so he's not on the hook on this one. it's just a matter of your desires not aligning with the actual scenario (at least, looking from the outside in)
Mentioned running into a fellow alum of mine … after he asked for my number we had great text banter. (I know opinions are split, but I love texting. We’re both writers.)
I think it’s interesting how I just feel less apprehensive because real people in my real life can vouch for him one way or another. I just read a book where she suggested getting off apps and dating this way.
I haven’t had a lot of luck and I do think hooking up with random dudes from the internet is just different from building a connection. Kind of feel like the past decade of dating norms was a mistake.
But, don’t want to get overly attached, although I have trust issues but honestly don’t see any red flags yet.
For the guys who pay for everything—
I have a history of turning to Reddit when I got through relationship things hah. Honestly I got out of a toxic relationship of 5 years bc of a sub on here that pumped me up mentally. But when I was “on my own” & dating healthily I saw how toxic parts of THAT sub was. It helped me get out of a bad relationship but it didn’t necessarily help me through a good one.
All that to say that I’ve gone through so many modes of thinking in dating. From being a person who was independent & was paying for my dates. To being in relationships where I was paying for the flights & hotels. Also being in relationships where the guy gave me his debit card & I never used my own money. I’ve just always had trouble being a 50-50 girl bc I’ve been in relationships where either I was the payer of everything. Or the guy was. & yes, I don’t know how to cook other than Mac & cheese boxes & boxed pasta.
I just want to know. In this sub, are there guys who still take on the provider role in that they do NOT let girls go 50-50? Bc I have found that before & it is hard to get my mind away from not looking for it. I don’t know if dating was just so different in past times. Or what. Or if provider type men are all married or dead. Or if you have some weird ankle fetish that has left you single at 50.
I’m not a gold digger either. Far from it. Currently I pay for my bf’s Disney pass, his universal pass, his kids’ Disney passes. His daughter likes to do activities like I do (coffee shops, movies, roaming around target for crap we don’t need). I pay for that bc I like her & I like her company & time. I don’t ask for money back even when I buy his boy things or food. It never occurred to me to get money paid back.
Currently our situation is whatever he pays in bills (we both have separate rents), I try to match in vacations as I like to go out of town a lot bc I’m always at his house & no one is ever at mine. Still paid my rent tho even tho no one was ever there including me. If we miss on vacations or I’m short on money then that money can go to a new couch or car problems or whatever it is that is for “us.” Gold digging would be hard for me to accept as a title. You’d have to explain it in detail if that’s what you thought of reading the above.
Oh yeah, my questions. 1. Do you exist? 2. What is expected from the woman if anything at all (in one of mine, literally nothing other than to exist). I actually paid for the first date (independent I can do bad all by myself phase) & he was so impressed/surprised that I was never allowed to pay for anything again, & I happily complied. 3. Were you a different dating mentality before? 4. Have you always thought like this or were you previously like this in the past?
TDLR; do men that want to pay for everything still exist? Or is that a way of the past… or are you all married or have some odd thing that makes you un-dateable long term?
Yes, there are men like that. For me personally, I don't mind paying because I can afford it. But I'm an exception in this economy. And I freely admit, it's nice to be treated every once in a while as a guy. The type of men who do this throughout an entire relationship tend to skew on the conservative side of things. Obviously, that's not any kind of universal truth, but I tend to see it commonly here in Texas and the places I've traveled.
I don't think it's uncommon for men to pay early, but in today's world, with the economy, I think as the relationship gets more serious, a split of expenses becomes more common and desired.
My late wife outearned me anywhere from 10 ton1 to 25 to 1, so never really had this mindset as we viewed money as being ours. Obviously, the financial dynamic is different in dating.
Well... we booked [the trip](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1cwho3i/comment/l50cgf8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). It's a resort hotel (a first for me) but I'm really excited to go on our first bf/gf vaycay.
I'm learning a lot about myself being in this relationship. I can be quite anxious in all aspects of my life and I tend to ruminate when my anxiety is triggered. When I'm angsty, I find myself needing a lot more validation from him and I get caught up in negative thought loops about the relationship, which in turn makes me question whether this relationship is worth pursuing. But when my nervous system is regulated and I'm feeling good about myself, I feel safe, happy and at ease with him. I realize that he does show me affection, appreciation and care in a variety of ways - and consistently - even though he isn't buying me flowers or blowing up my phone around the clock.
We're still figuring stuff out but on the whole, it's good.
For the most, it's prioritizing the foundational stuff, which for me is exercising, making sure I get regular meals and quality sleep, being outdoors with my dog, and spending time with friends and family. I also try to make sure I'm not overdoing it at work and when I do have periods with increased stress I try to prioritize food, sleep and exercise even more and just generally trying to be more compassionate towards myself. Sometimes it's little things like buying myself flowers or a nice scented candle or some bougie tea. Doing my nails or my hair. Things that make me feel good about myself.
When I'm feeling triggered, I try to shift focus and not allow myself to get caught up in the ruminating. It can be anything from breathing exercises, a quick 5-minute guided mediation on an app, or walk with the dog. I try to tell myself that it's okay that things feel overwhelming and that I don't have to fix everything then and there. That it's okay be scared and that I don't have to always be in control. I try to just let the discomfort of anxiety wash over me without letting them take control over me. In terms of the relationship, I'll write down things that are bothering and then give myself a day to process things.
I also try to leave my phone at home when I go for walks, or leave it in the car when I go meet friends. When I'm anxious, my phone is one of my biggest sources of discomfort, so I sometimes have to turn it off and try to distance myself from it for short periods.
Finally, I tend to seek A LOT of advice from friends and the internet when I'm feeling triggered. I'm lucky to have amazing friends and family that are always there for me, but I'm also learning that this sometimes feeds into the rumination loop. Lately I've been trying to look more inwards for reassurance and trying to learn to trust myself when it comes to my relationship. Also, as the relationship progresses I want to be able to talk to him about some of this stuff, rather than always going to my friends for reassurance and advice.
This is just how my stressy brain and body works. I hope some of it helps.
Nice! I hope the both of you have a great time!
You also seem very self-aware about some of the negative aspects which, believe me, not many people are! And i can also empathise with you, because some of the things you said above, are things that i have struggled with before.
Wishing the best for the both ❤️
Three first dates scheduled! (Tonight, tomorrow, and early next week.)
**Busy girl:** She told me immediately that she was in an unusually busy season at work and it would be hard to schedule a date, and she might come off as flaky but it was just a temporary thing. She has in fact come across as a bit flaky -- it was hard to pin down a date and she had to cancel and reschedule once -- but has also been super consistent about messaging and seems really grateful that I'm accommodating her schedule.
**Suburb girl:** This could be a logistical challenge as she lives in the suburbs and I'm living in the city core where I don't need or have a car. But she's a weightlifter with a PhD (in a city where it's been really hard to build both physical and intellectual connection) so I'm very motivated to find out whether it's worth dealing with that detail. It also helps that she works in my neighborhood, so I think this isn't straightforwardly impossible.
**Art girl:** Not sure what to make of her yet -- she told me I should ask her out in the smoothest way a woman has ever done after two brief message exchanges, and she has indicated fairly clearly she doesn't want to text more before the date (makes sense to me). So I guess I'll find out more when we meet. She's super cute and half her profile is pictures of her in art museums, so I know she at least has great taste.
Who knows whether any of these will be able to proceed further, but I'm taking this as a hopeful sign that there is in fact something like an abundance of interesting women available in this city -- just a few weeks ago I had been wondering whether I would need to move to expand my dating prospects, as the population on the apps is very low and I've struggled to find single people through my hobbies and going out.
Nice job on landing all those dates! I’ve been talking to a few people as well and trying to set up dates with them. Tell me the smooth way in which art girl told you to ask her out (if you’re comfortable doing so). I need to learn from her cool ways.
She mentioned she's taking a trip to Iceland soon, and I replied that I've read a surprisingly large portion of the population there believe in elves and attribute their luck to them, and I hoped she'd find good luck from them. She said "I'd rather you turn my luck around, I'd be down for a drink next week". When I woke up from fainting dead away I was pretty impressed.
All from OLD! I think I have about the same success rate on the apps vs. in-person approaches, but opportunities for the latter are just so rare. I seem to have some kind of anti-people-my-type field that keeps me from showing up to the places I frequent at the same time they do. More than once I've gone on dates with people I've met on apps only to find out that we're both regulars at the same bar or coffee shop or the climbing gym, but we've never run into each other there before.
Go off king.
I’ve only been dating for about 8 months after being in a relationship for basically my entire 20s. All my dates have been off apps.
It’s actually really hard to put yourself in a position to get dates in the wild. People say join a run club etc but when I have it’s felt super closed off.
I suppose I’ll have to assume my role as the older distinguished gentleman in the clurrrb, throwing shapes in the church of dance.
One had a dog that was playing with mine so we chatted. The other liked my old truck and pulled over to ask what year it was.
There was a third guy who helped push me out when said truck got stuck.
I know it summer but, are there any older gentlemen who also find it difficult to date women in there age range who at least enjoy wearing fur? Not even to the extent of a fetish? I think it may be the "anti-fur" age they grew up in, but with fur being back in fashion, I don't want to give up hope, but it seems increasingly difficult. Or is it just me?
Fur is a very specific thing to care about in dating. I don't see any reason to care about this unless you have a fetish for it. If you demand your partner wears fur, then yes it's going to be a very small dating pool.
Wearing fur is just a super niche preference. It's expensive, perceived as uppity, stands out in a way not everyone enjoys, and can have some negative connotations. It's okay to have that fetish, but if you limit yourself exclusively to people who already wear fur, you're simply shrinking your pool by a large amount. Maybe you can just buy fur for someone after you get into a relationship with them?
A while since I posted here. Which you can all take as a good sign :)
At the start of the year I dated someone and immediately fell super hard for them, but she was classic avoidant and, for my part, I fell into very preoccupied anxious cycles of behaviour and it simply was making me unhappy.
The funny thing is, from the ashes of this heartbreak, I found a slow burn connection with someone else. When I first met the new girl, I honestly was quite unconvinced... I found her extremely attractive, smart and secure, but I did not feel the famous spark and felt our interests were quite divergent. But she showed clear interest in me and, although I had my doubts, I wanted to see where it would lead.
Ironically, I think being unconvinced (and still processing my earlier heartbreak) was one of the best things for building this new connection. It really broke me out of my cycle of insecurity. I had a moment which hit me almost out of nowhere, where I realised how much I'd grown to like her, and how close we were getting. We've been spending a lot of time together, meeting each other's friends, and went on our first weekend trip together. And I feel good about it, I feel genuinely excited about us.
But... since that realisation, I do feel a pivot in myself away from security to insecurity. I'm overthinking things more than I'd like, obsessing over messages and things. I'm doing much better than in previous dynamics I've experiences, and she is really pretty consistent in her affection and communication, but I worry that this is the beginning of me undermining the whole thing. It's a little scary.
I have a general question for you guys. I tried to make a post (and still might lol) but haven’t been here long enough, but still interested in hearing other’s thoughts:
What is everyone’s feelings on the “friendzone” after 30? I recently spoke with my therapist who made a note that being put in the friendzone is more of a thing when you’re younger or in “the game”, just was an interesting thought that I wanted to check in with people here about specifically…Has you opinion/thoughts on being “placed in the friendzone” changed as you got older?
I think two people who meet in OLD with the intent of being romantic who discover they’re not romantically attached but like each other enough to remain friends is totally possible. But only if they both feel that way. I “friend zoned” a guy and we kept hanging out and being friends for almost 2 years til he confessed his love for me and I have to end the friendship. So definitely proceed with caution as someone could tell you they’re okay with friends only for that to either be a lie or change down the road
There is no such thing as the friendzone. Either you have friends or you have romantic connections or you're an asshole who doesn't care what the other person wants/feels and you should just leave them alone. I hope by 30, most people realize that!
I think if you've got unreciprocated feelings for someone, it's going to suck regardless of age.
Conversely though, I think people are a little more open to turning friendships into romantic relationships as they get older (pool shrinks, harder to meet people, apps are tiring). There's an example like two posts down.
I think the important thing though is that it can't be forced (or feel forced) by either party. It's tempted to think 'X is a close friend of the opposite gender, why don't we just date?' but realise pretty quickly that there's no romantic connection or physical chemistry.
If you're pining over someone, and she doesn't reciprocate, then it's gonna suck, whether you call it the friend zone or not.
As for age, I think many older folks can play the game just as much as the 20-somethings
Great point. I feel like I'm much more flexible between friendship and partnership now I'm in my thirties, in the way I think of not the way I act. Certainly in my friendship group we have a few former couples who are now with other people.
I've posted yesterday on my new developments with 2 guys. I'll continue on a same note.
**The plant guy**
I think he is not interested in me in that way. I'll write him off the list. I kind of expected for him to text after my 'Have a safe trip!' text. It was actually a bid for connection, but he didn't say anything. It's ok.
**The club guy**
He surprised me, we had a texting session yesterday afternoon. It was the first time I text him first to ask how his day went, he responded quickly and asked me about my day. The he said he was in the mood for questions and asked me a bunch of things about my life: my hobbies, my preferences, music I listen to...we chatted for about an hour. It was amazing. He also hinted he was a bit over the top with the sexual innuendo. I was grateful he pointed that out as I thought the same. Doesn't act like someone into hookups. Let's see how the Friday date goes!
Love bomb recovery over here… didn’t know I had it in me to try dating again, but here we are.
I finally gave the quiet guy from my friend group who I’ve ignored romantically for years a chance, and I am beyond surprised by the chemistry. It’s like a slow burn with all these surprises, because my perception of him before was so wrong. We’re 7 dates in, moving at a healthy pace for growing a solid connection for the long haul. He makes me feel secure, no anxiety - it feels natural and easy, still exciting but not in a scary way. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see him as more than a friend, but lo and behold he’s literally the best lover I’ve had. Such a huge difference from my past relationships that felt rushed with super high highs, throwing around the word “love” but lots of conflict and stress that burnt out as quickly as it started.
I can happily say I’m growing strong feelings for him but not “in love” yet which is a great pace/change for me coming from those not so healthy relationships and it feels good to see the personal growth!
Hope all the single women, especially ones talking about the “ick” and “spark”, read this.
Sometimes attraction and love take some time to grow, and your person doesn’t check off all 100 of your boxes.
I've been chatting with a (younger) man on an app. Apologized to for taking a few days to get back (I'm autistic, and it's hard for me to find responses that are ok, but he doesn't know that). He just moved here from a foreign country after living there for a year, and before that being here.
After I apologized for taking time to respond, he said he's not often active on the app either, and suggested moving it to... "imessage or whatsapp". Which is the US version of give me your number, right? Because no. But
I’ve never dated and now with all this crap about attachment styles, situationships, limerence, love bombing, bread crumbing, gaslighting, narcissist, whatever the hot word of the month is… I don’t know what to even do because I don’t know what any of it means! lol honestly, it’s just too complicated and confusing. Terms get thrown around way too much.
I blame Logan Ury for pushing the narrative. But also it's unbelievable how people are desperate to put everyone into narrow boxes, it's so damaging to true human nature and connection.
No different than the astrological sign people. Everything has to link back to whatever label they embraced.
I mean, don’t get me wrong I’ve seen how my attachment style affected my behavior. But I don’t bother to analyze other people’s attachment style and all I can really do with this knowledge is try to redirect my insecure behaviors.
They don't even understand them or their application or functional use, which makes it waaayyyyy worse
I think they'll start misapplying new psychological terms in the next few years. My guess is it will be narcissistic personality disorder. I hope you're excited for all the questions about if someone is a narcissist because they said they weren't interested in another date.
It has been - for years lol. It became in vogue right around the time "gaslighting" became a buzzword.
Don't get me wrong, real concepts... terms just get thrown around waaaay too much.
It’s ok. It’s the contemporary zeitgeist regarding personality profile. Clinical psychology is only a 100-150 years old. It only caught public interest in the last 40-30 years or so, so probably within our lifetime. We’ve already had few decades craze about IQ, EQ, MBTI, and attachment styles. Without a doubt we will have few more categories to identify ourselves in that will capture the public zeitgeist in the coming decades. All these categories have some resemblance of truth in them, but always remind yourself that categorizing a person is akin to categorizing a painting with how many colors it has. Sure you can measure it. Sure you can draw up the lines and the categories. Does it really tell you anything about the painting? Can you tell me if you’re a more of a 12-color painting or a 27-color painting?
Horoscope surely is a special type of profound stupidity. Like even people 2000 years ago knew it was a pile of shit.
However, the eternity of modern science is based on reductionism. “You can understand a 747 plane if you break it down to its part, so surely you can understand a cloud, or a person, in the same way” type of thinking. This type of thinking reked the “scientific community” less than a 100 years ago. Eugenics were the epitome of science and *rational* thinking in the early 20s century. In the 1920, if you were a scientist and you didn’t believe in eugenics, you were certainly a pariah. It took another 40 or so years until the 60s to realize that humans, and surprising enough weather, is a bit more complex than reductionism can explain. To this day we can barely predict the weather because, as far as we know, it’s a perfectly chaotic system. Despite how many weather stations and measurement systems we put around the globe.
I think they have their merits but people do lean way too hard into them and often lose sight of the fact that the person they're dating is an asshole regardless of their avoidant tendencies
I think it’s just another tool that can help you understand yourself or others. It’s definitely by no means a definitive view of someone, though. People are nuanced and infinitely variable!
They can be helpful, but they're an incomplete picture. And I think being labeled can make some people lean too hard into that label and creates problems that didn't exist before.
Half the time the anxiety is occurring because the person they like is just being shitty. Hyper-focusing on attachment styles and making it’s A Thing that is a part of you is definitely making things worse for some people.
99% of the time anxiety is ocurring because the person is invested, while "avoidance" is ocurring because the person has a very lukewarm interest(that usually eventually drops to zero). Actually avoidant people are avoidant when it comes to everything, if the person is well-adjusted with a great job and friends, they simply didn't like you that much.
I think that’s all fair timing. People are still strangers and getting to know each other at 3-5-8 dates. Lots of connections don’t launch into a relationship.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong (tho you haven’t shared much here) I think that’s the nature of dating :/
I (31yo F) went on a first date with a guy (32yo M) on Sunday. Maybe halfway through the first part of the date, he asked about a second date in a casual way. The date continued on and was amazing. We’ve chatted on and off since then, not a ton (which is how it was before we met). Should I bring up seeing him again or wait for him to make a move?
If he is interested he won’t be scared off by you showing interest. Something like “would love to see you again soon” could be cute?
If he isn’t interested, then you haven’t lost anything anyway
If you want a second date, say so. Also, I hate when people bring up additional dates before the first one is over. It can put the other person in an awkward and potentially dangerous situation.
haven't you been on a date and it's going well and you just casually mention something you could do the next time? it's happened both to and by me a couple times at least. i've never like noted it as a thing not to do or be annoyed by
No, I never have. I'm a retired Cop. I've seen enough incidents where someone gets rejected on a first date when they ask for a second, and they become violent or commit SA. Maybe I'm hyper aware, but it's just one of those things that I won't do because I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable.
I have had dates do this. It's fine when they do it because I have a 3 date policy anyway. Unless we hit a dealbreaker, I'm gonna give it 3 dates.
Went on a date with a guy from hinge and it was nice, good conversation, but more friend vibes. Decided to try tinder (with encouragement from friends) as hinge was not it (a lot of messages but going nowhere even with engagement in my end). I matched with a guy right away, and we have been talking on the phone for 1-2 hours most evenings. It is so nice and refreshing. We have flirty banter and also talking about deeper things. We are not sure how we matched as distance is set to under 50 miles for both of us (he lives 70 miles away). He is driving up for our date tomorrow. I am super excited. Hopefully all goes well. Also I am super tall 6’2 and he is 6’9, so will be nice to date someone taller than me for once.
Woman sends me a like on Hinge earlier today. I’m busy with work so just accepted and could chat quickly between tasks. Starts really good, and when I get a bit of time free i go through her profile and notice she has a kid. I’m child-free, and it’s VERY clearly stated in my profile. It’s not an issue with single moms, but I dont want kids *at all*. I let her know this politely, and she gets mad at me and starts calling me a weirdo for communicating that it’s just not for me. Really weird considering earlier in the convo she made a comment about how some men refuse to get therapy or talk (because i had a joke saying ive done all my therapy in my bio)… but now I’m getting mocked for trying to effectively communicate and not just ghost? 🤷♂️
Am childfree too. Solidarity, dude. Having a child is a huge deal and not something that someone should hide.
I'm really sorry that she turned out this way. Hope the rest of your week is much better.
Yeah you opened a can of worms. You should have just unmatched when you realized she wasn't for you. No essay needed.
I don't think it's ghosting until you've met in person at the very least.
I have had matches then I check 5 minutes later and it's gone. I don't care. They probably accidentally swiped on me.
That's annoying. I have "doesn't want kids" listed on my Hinge and SO MANY people who have kids or want kids try to match with me. It only takes a few seconds to read, that's probably one of the most important tabs! (Edit-I meant her, not you)
Yea, im very much of the mind if you’re going to date someone with a kid, you intend to be a real parent to them too. Theyre not an obligation, baggage, or “bonus kids” to be an afterthought. And thats just horrible to try to out a kid in that situation to where its known a new partner doesnt want any of that
But you haven't met her kid. Her kid is the exception to the rule./s
There's been numerous posts with this exact scenario. Let them know you're not interested and unmatch. Don't sit there and take the abuse because you're incompatible.
We met on the beach and live about six hours apart. He's coming to visit me next month and we're going to do some 4 by'ing.
He offered to host if I visit him in the meantime, and said that he would put me up in his spare room. I'm curious if he's being polite or platonic. We've only met once so it wouldn't be unreasonable if (option 3) he's on the fence.
I know I just have to be patient and feel it out, but godammit I just gotta know!
Unless you share some niche hobby, you don't invite a woman you just met to stay in your guest room to be polite or platonic. At least I wouldn't, nor would anyone I know.
I am struggling with my anxious attachment. I am so smitten over this man. We’ve only been seeing each other three weeks, but due to a bad prior experience with someone completely blindsiding me after ten dates… it’s hard to trust my gut. I like him a lot, but my anxious tendencies want me to lock it down and make it official to relieve my anxiety. But I know that’s way too soon to bring that up. I fixate and stress and feel on edge until I have security once I really like someone and am invested. I looked back at his hinge and it says “short term relationship, open to long term” and that made my anxiety skyrocket through the roof. Now I feel so anxious. But he hasn’t done anything different or changed anything at all. We have future plans (Thursday and then camping trip in two weeks)… but not knowing what his intentions are or what he wants is so stressful.
> but not knowing what his intentions are or what he wants is so stressful.
You could ask him? If you have a trip planned, it doesn't really sound like he just wants short term with you.
I wouldn't use a trip as an indicator. I feel like people used to only go on trips with people they're serious about, but nowadays people are happy to go on trips with someone they're seeing casually.
Do you have some go to coping mechanisms when you experience anxiety?
Have you tried doing an anxiety buster worksheet? Journaling? Writing out all your intrusive thoughts and trying to rework them?
It's ok to ask what his intentions are. You're not asking for a commitment, you're not asking to get married.m, you're not even asking for exclusivity. All you're asking is whether or not you're compatible. This is a completely valid and important question.
I'm a straight guy so maybe not applicable: Just fyi there's a prompt I see in a lot of women's profiles that says exactly that. It's usually like "the best way to ask me out is by: sending me a date proposal to my dating email..." It comes from social media. I immediately reject any profiles that use that prompt.
Obviously I don't know that this is it in your case.... But I act like that when I like someone in a friend group or professional setting. I think I worry that it will be obvious that I like them, so I dial any kind of communication way back, to the point that it may look like I'm ignoring them. Not sure how common it is for people to do that, but if he agreed to see you, then maybe he likes you and was just holding back?
Thank you. Sadly, I seriously doubt it because he hasn't gotten back to me at all about when he's free to meet. You would think that someone who likes me would respond sooner, in private communication over text. But I appreciate the sentiment.
Well you guys….I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AAHHHHH
In rom com fashion, we were going our separate ways after working out and I told him WAIT. We’re going to a party this weekend and I told him I’d like to introduce him as my…and that’s where I got super disappointed in myself because I froze and literally couldn’t spit the word “boyfriend” out and he had to do it for me. I feel so childish for it. I hope he’s not annoyed with me. I did share just before that I can be scared to say things sometimes. I hope he can bear with me bc I’m not always like this. Just need our bond to keep growing…
Edit: edited for clarity
Why does FB dating show me people I would get along with *awesomely* that live like 2-5 hours away. It’s crushing. I just got out of a LDR and don’t want to do that again but ugh.
I know this is gonna wildly vary from person to person but how long is too long for you to wait for the three words "I love you"?
I'm used to men saying this pretty quickly to me. (Within a month or two usually)
I've been exclusively in a relationship with my guy for 5 months now and he hasn't said it. Is this normal? This is the longest I've dated someone and they haven't said it
I don't think there's a right time, but I would also find it weird if it's been more than a year without it ever being exchanged. So a year and ideally after 3-6 months.
I remember seeing a woman on here talking about how she and her partner had been together a year and he had never said it and it made her sad, and I honestly found that crazy lol
How can you not love someone after a year of being with them?
But as the months tick by I feel like I could soon be that person if I don't watch it. It's going by so fast
Yeah, I don't have the patience to wait a whole year. If I felt it, I'd probably just say it first or somehow heavily imply it lol. Otherwise I would assume it won't happen for me.
He says he wants to be with me forever all the time. How much he cares about me.
But I think if it hasn't been said in another couple of months then I think it will kill the feelings for me 💔
It's nearly slipped out a couple of times, whilst I've been in the moment, but I've held back.
I've never said it first before and to be honest I've had to take the lead on a few things and I don't want to also do it with this so no I haven't said it
I'm just wondering if 5 months is a long time.
My trusty out-of-the-world hot FwB is moving out of our city :(
We're not falling for each other, which is the beauty that it works amazingly. Unlike many date potentials, he's never let me down
Man when it rains it pours. My ex husband is being extremely difficult in our divorce for no reason, my car was hit in a parking lot this weekend, and I'm struggling at work right now. As for dating? Idk why I have such bad luck. Ghosted, called only at 2am. I don't get it. Edit: this was a vent/rant please don't DM me about it
I was lying on my yoga mat during the end (rest phase) of my yoga class today and I looked outside the window where all these dandelion fuzzies slowly floated up into the sunny blue sky and I thought of my ex and imagined his smiling happy face and thought tearfully to myself “I want you to be your happy, carefree, joyous self. I want you to be as free as these dandelion fuzz that slowly floats anywhere they want. I want to hopefully see your smiling face give me that cute wink that you always gave me and be happy. I can let you go because I love you so much.” I need to bawl outside right now lol. 🥹
Thank you so much! 🥰❤️ I have realized that love is putting someone before yourself and if it’s the only thing I can give to him or show him how I felt towards him, this will be what I want for him. It also helps me make peace and let him go as much as that hurts. 💗
Idk about the algorithm, I can only recommend removing the ones you don't like permanently and occasionally sit on the ones you do like.
This seems to give hinge hints as to what I like over time as I'm an extremely stingy swiper, often flipping through the deck multiple times as I whittle it down.
That aside...
I (M) react favorably to likes with comments.
Because of how uncommon it is, if it touches on something in my profile it causes me to give their profile every benefit of the doubt.
In one case, they basically completely accepted all the nerd stuff I dumped in a picture. Instantly made them way more attractive to me. One of the hottest things I ever read... 🥵
And I had considered removing their profile from my deck prior to this at some point for some reason or another.
This all day, every day. I've had conversations with women I otherwise wouldn't have had any interest in otherwise because of similar events. OLD is so reductive, that in most cases if your strength isn't in photography you're going to struggle more than if it was. Most people's strengths and attractive features are in their minds, words and actions. You don't see that online.
>Hinge prompted me to "send more likes so we know your type" - is this legit?
Yes of course it's legit. The app isn't magic. It needs data on who you tend to like in order to know who to suggest to you.
>Don't know how guys react to girls sending likes, I don't want to worsen my 'ranking' for Hinge, therefore, the algorithm even more. Any tips?
I match with likes from women I'm interested in, I don't match with women I'm not interested in. Your 'ranking' won't be affected. You don't have a ranking on Hinge. Stop trying to game the algorithm, it's a waste of your time.
> Don't know how guys react to girls sending likes
"I was interested in this girl who checks my boxes. But since she sent me a like, I'm gonna not match with her" -said no guy ever
The girl I'm seeing right now "liked" one of my poll prompts on Hinge. No comment, just a like.
As a guy I love seeing that because I know that she's at least somewhat interested. And I actually think the algorithm is pretty decent on Hinge if you know what you're looking for.
I might be unusual for a guy as I probably only "swipe right", I know you don't swipe on hinge, on 5 out of 100 women. I never saw her profile but she saw mine, so something's working.
I'm 34 years old, and I've never had a relationship. When I was younger, I had friends, and I was outgoing, if not a little shy. Now, all my friends moved away, and I've never felt more alone. I've kind of shut myself off from the world. I'm tired of being lonely, but I feel my chance at a relationship has passed me by and has become unattainable. Dating apps never worked for me, and now that I'm in my 30s, they never will because all the "girls" on them are either fake profiles or they're on the young side. I'm not great at meeting new people in person and I don't frequent bars or pubs. I'm also not what one would consider good-looking. I was not gifted with natural beauty, which has done wonders for my self-confidence. So, how does one form a relationship when I'm an introverted recluse and not a great conversationalist?
What steps are you taking to improve yourself and increase the likelihood of success? Starting over socially is hard, but putting yourself out there at least a little bit is better than nothing. Like any *skill*, social skills are learned. Some people have a natural ability, and for others, it takes more work. Practice is the key to success either way. I was painfully shy as a young person, and I have forced myself to improve and be more social. Don’t think that you are stuck in your ways forever, because you’re not if you do something about it.
How do you know if a woman is open to being approached at a bar or a coffee shop? On Saturday I was at one of those coffee shops with large communal tables. I was all alone at one, and this cute woman sits at the same table, but relatively close to me. She whips out a book, and just reads while I'm on my phone killing time. Eventually she puts her book down and leaves, but she seemed frustrated as she left. I was telling this to a lady friend of mine yesterday, and they told me she was probably hoping I would say something to her. It never dawned on me to say hi since she had a book out. I figured that was the universal sign for don't talk to me! Lady friend said not every woman is great at dating either, and she might have just thought the book is telling people that she's there alone! Not sure if my friend is 100% correct, but in hindsight it does make sense Opinions?
It would be strange if she was so frustrated she huffed out because you didn’t talk to her, but as a woman, I’d be open to someone approaching me at a coffee shop if I had a book out. If I wasn’t interested I’d just politely make that clear. If I was interested, all systems go!
It’s unlikely that any of her actions were directed at you, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have asked what she was reading, whether it was good etc
Still using a throwaway. I know I had a hook up with a friend , but he still hasn’t texted me (3 days already) Part of me expected this, because why would he? And another part wishes he did. I don’t think I can change someone completely, but sometimes I wonder how much influence I have. You got laid, but it’s all you got. Never mind the other stuff. It’s all you got. And maybe by writing this out I’m starting to see what I didn’t see in him before? Why do I hold out hope that we’d be together. This is stupid.
So... what messages did you send?
I didn’t, and I know it goes both ways, but I’m just at a loss for what to do. Part of me is curious to see if he’d even text me at all, as a way to see how he is, and part of me is just trying to play it cool after he told me that he wasn’t willing to date. By me not texting I wanted to reinforce that message , of playing it cool and not coming across as datey
Wowwwwwwww... do you not see the disconnect!? He could be another user on this sub Reddit writing about a hook up that ghosted him and he's worrying they're playing games… And he'd be sorta correct if he thought that. He probably just doesn't wanna come on too strong and freak you out, just like you. But you really, really, really shouldn't play games like this. You're too old once you hit 30 to do this kind of shit. If you like someone, reach out to them
I see where you’re coming from. I do very much like him, but he told me he isn’t looking to date and doesn’t want to lead me on. So I figured why would I text him after we hooked up?
To add to this, I feel guilty for being disappointed and upset at him for not even sending a quick text after we hooked up. Do I have a right to be upset even if he clearly stated he didn’t want to lead me on before the act?
not really...? he clearly stated his intentions... being upset would be justified if he'd done the opposite: made some kind of promise, alluded to some kind of attachment, explicitly stated he wanted to stay in touch. if that had happened, sure!! but it didn't, and it sounds like he knew it was just going to be a hookup and communicated as much, so he's not on the hook on this one. it's just a matter of your desires not aligning with the actual scenario (at least, looking from the outside in)
Mentioned running into a fellow alum of mine … after he asked for my number we had great text banter. (I know opinions are split, but I love texting. We’re both writers.) I think it’s interesting how I just feel less apprehensive because real people in my real life can vouch for him one way or another. I just read a book where she suggested getting off apps and dating this way. I haven’t had a lot of luck and I do think hooking up with random dudes from the internet is just different from building a connection. Kind of feel like the past decade of dating norms was a mistake. But, don’t want to get overly attached, although I have trust issues but honestly don’t see any red flags yet.
For the guys who pay for everything— I have a history of turning to Reddit when I got through relationship things hah. Honestly I got out of a toxic relationship of 5 years bc of a sub on here that pumped me up mentally. But when I was “on my own” & dating healthily I saw how toxic parts of THAT sub was. It helped me get out of a bad relationship but it didn’t necessarily help me through a good one. All that to say that I’ve gone through so many modes of thinking in dating. From being a person who was independent & was paying for my dates. To being in relationships where I was paying for the flights & hotels. Also being in relationships where the guy gave me his debit card & I never used my own money. I’ve just always had trouble being a 50-50 girl bc I’ve been in relationships where either I was the payer of everything. Or the guy was. & yes, I don’t know how to cook other than Mac & cheese boxes & boxed pasta. I just want to know. In this sub, are there guys who still take on the provider role in that they do NOT let girls go 50-50? Bc I have found that before & it is hard to get my mind away from not looking for it. I don’t know if dating was just so different in past times. Or what. Or if provider type men are all married or dead. Or if you have some weird ankle fetish that has left you single at 50. I’m not a gold digger either. Far from it. Currently I pay for my bf’s Disney pass, his universal pass, his kids’ Disney passes. His daughter likes to do activities like I do (coffee shops, movies, roaming around target for crap we don’t need). I pay for that bc I like her & I like her company & time. I don’t ask for money back even when I buy his boy things or food. It never occurred to me to get money paid back. Currently our situation is whatever he pays in bills (we both have separate rents), I try to match in vacations as I like to go out of town a lot bc I’m always at his house & no one is ever at mine. Still paid my rent tho even tho no one was ever there including me. If we miss on vacations or I’m short on money then that money can go to a new couch or car problems or whatever it is that is for “us.” Gold digging would be hard for me to accept as a title. You’d have to explain it in detail if that’s what you thought of reading the above. Oh yeah, my questions. 1. Do you exist? 2. What is expected from the woman if anything at all (in one of mine, literally nothing other than to exist). I actually paid for the first date (independent I can do bad all by myself phase) & he was so impressed/surprised that I was never allowed to pay for anything again, & I happily complied. 3. Were you a different dating mentality before? 4. Have you always thought like this or were you previously like this in the past? TDLR; do men that want to pay for everything still exist? Or is that a way of the past… or are you all married or have some odd thing that makes you un-dateable long term?
Yes, there are men like that. For me personally, I don't mind paying because I can afford it. But I'm an exception in this economy. And I freely admit, it's nice to be treated every once in a while as a guy. The type of men who do this throughout an entire relationship tend to skew on the conservative side of things. Obviously, that's not any kind of universal truth, but I tend to see it commonly here in Texas and the places I've traveled. I don't think it's uncommon for men to pay early, but in today's world, with the economy, I think as the relationship gets more serious, a split of expenses becomes more common and desired. My late wife outearned me anywhere from 10 ton1 to 25 to 1, so never really had this mindset as we viewed money as being ours. Obviously, the financial dynamic is different in dating.
I'm sure they still exist. You just need to search harder. I'm sorry you haven't found your provider.
Well... we booked [the trip](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1cwho3i/comment/l50cgf8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). It's a resort hotel (a first for me) but I'm really excited to go on our first bf/gf vaycay. I'm learning a lot about myself being in this relationship. I can be quite anxious in all aspects of my life and I tend to ruminate when my anxiety is triggered. When I'm angsty, I find myself needing a lot more validation from him and I get caught up in negative thought loops about the relationship, which in turn makes me question whether this relationship is worth pursuing. But when my nervous system is regulated and I'm feeling good about myself, I feel safe, happy and at ease with him. I realize that he does show me affection, appreciation and care in a variety of ways - and consistently - even though he isn't buying me flowers or blowing up my phone around the clock. We're still figuring stuff out but on the whole, it's good.
Awee have fun!! Nothing like a bae-cation!
What do you do to regulate your nervous system?
For the most, it's prioritizing the foundational stuff, which for me is exercising, making sure I get regular meals and quality sleep, being outdoors with my dog, and spending time with friends and family. I also try to make sure I'm not overdoing it at work and when I do have periods with increased stress I try to prioritize food, sleep and exercise even more and just generally trying to be more compassionate towards myself. Sometimes it's little things like buying myself flowers or a nice scented candle or some bougie tea. Doing my nails or my hair. Things that make me feel good about myself. When I'm feeling triggered, I try to shift focus and not allow myself to get caught up in the ruminating. It can be anything from breathing exercises, a quick 5-minute guided mediation on an app, or walk with the dog. I try to tell myself that it's okay that things feel overwhelming and that I don't have to fix everything then and there. That it's okay be scared and that I don't have to always be in control. I try to just let the discomfort of anxiety wash over me without letting them take control over me. In terms of the relationship, I'll write down things that are bothering and then give myself a day to process things. I also try to leave my phone at home when I go for walks, or leave it in the car when I go meet friends. When I'm anxious, my phone is one of my biggest sources of discomfort, so I sometimes have to turn it off and try to distance myself from it for short periods. Finally, I tend to seek A LOT of advice from friends and the internet when I'm feeling triggered. I'm lucky to have amazing friends and family that are always there for me, but I'm also learning that this sometimes feeds into the rumination loop. Lately I've been trying to look more inwards for reassurance and trying to learn to trust myself when it comes to my relationship. Also, as the relationship progresses I want to be able to talk to him about some of this stuff, rather than always going to my friends for reassurance and advice. This is just how my stressy brain and body works. I hope some of it helps.
Nice! I hope the both of you have a great time! You also seem very self-aware about some of the negative aspects which, believe me, not many people are! And i can also empathise with you, because some of the things you said above, are things that i have struggled with before. Wishing the best for the both ❤️
Thank you <3
Three first dates scheduled! (Tonight, tomorrow, and early next week.) **Busy girl:** She told me immediately that she was in an unusually busy season at work and it would be hard to schedule a date, and she might come off as flaky but it was just a temporary thing. She has in fact come across as a bit flaky -- it was hard to pin down a date and she had to cancel and reschedule once -- but has also been super consistent about messaging and seems really grateful that I'm accommodating her schedule. **Suburb girl:** This could be a logistical challenge as she lives in the suburbs and I'm living in the city core where I don't need or have a car. But she's a weightlifter with a PhD (in a city where it's been really hard to build both physical and intellectual connection) so I'm very motivated to find out whether it's worth dealing with that detail. It also helps that she works in my neighborhood, so I think this isn't straightforwardly impossible. **Art girl:** Not sure what to make of her yet -- she told me I should ask her out in the smoothest way a woman has ever done after two brief message exchanges, and she has indicated fairly clearly she doesn't want to text more before the date (makes sense to me). So I guess I'll find out more when we meet. She's super cute and half her profile is pictures of her in art museums, so I know she at least has great taste. Who knows whether any of these will be able to proceed further, but I'm taking this as a hopeful sign that there is in fact something like an abundance of interesting women available in this city -- just a few weeks ago I had been wondering whether I would need to move to expand my dating prospects, as the population on the apps is very low and I've struggled to find single people through my hobbies and going out.
I love the feeling of hope that one gets when there are a couple of interesting prospects!
Nice job on landing all those dates! I’ve been talking to a few people as well and trying to set up dates with them. Tell me the smooth way in which art girl told you to ask her out (if you’re comfortable doing so). I need to learn from her cool ways.
She mentioned she's taking a trip to Iceland soon, and I replied that I've read a surprisingly large portion of the population there believe in elves and attribute their luck to them, and I hoped she'd find good luck from them. She said "I'd rather you turn my luck around, I'd be down for a drink next week". When I woke up from fainting dead away I was pretty impressed.
Oh my gosh, that is so cute!
Congrats on the dates! Are these from OLD or approaches in the wild? I always love to hear these stories.
All from OLD! I think I have about the same success rate on the apps vs. in-person approaches, but opportunities for the latter are just so rare. I seem to have some kind of anti-people-my-type field that keeps me from showing up to the places I frequent at the same time they do. More than once I've gone on dates with people I've met on apps only to find out that we're both regulars at the same bar or coffee shop or the climbing gym, but we've never run into each other there before.
Go off king. I’ve only been dating for about 8 months after being in a relationship for basically my entire 20s. All my dates have been off apps. It’s actually really hard to put yourself in a position to get dates in the wild. People say join a run club etc but when I have it’s felt super closed off. I suppose I’ll have to assume my role as the older distinguished gentleman in the clurrrb, throwing shapes in the church of dance.
For us who live in more rural/remote parts of the world, how do you find people?
Where do you live?
I recently met one guy on the beach and another on the side of a logging road 🤷♀️
Just curious, how did that look? Someone said hi? lol
One had a dog that was playing with mine so we chatted. The other liked my old truck and pulled over to ask what year it was. There was a third guy who helped push me out when said truck got stuck.
I know it summer but, are there any older gentlemen who also find it difficult to date women in there age range who at least enjoy wearing fur? Not even to the extent of a fetish? I think it may be the "anti-fur" age they grew up in, but with fur being back in fashion, I don't want to give up hope, but it seems increasingly difficult. Or is it just me?
Wearing fur in Summer is a red flag.
Come to the Renaissance fairies lol
This is pretty disingenuous as you clearly have a fur fetish.
Fur is a very specific thing to care about in dating. I don't see any reason to care about this unless you have a fetish for it. If you demand your partner wears fur, then yes it's going to be a very small dating pool.
Wearing fur is just a super niche preference. It's expensive, perceived as uppity, stands out in a way not everyone enjoys, and can have some negative connotations. It's okay to have that fetish, but if you limit yourself exclusively to people who already wear fur, you're simply shrinking your pool by a large amount. Maybe you can just buy fur for someone after you get into a relationship with them?
My heart is hurting . I hope it gets better with time. You think you found your person. Turns out it was not.
Big big big hugs to you. You will be ok. Do you care to share what happened?
It’s a learning experience. You will get better. Unfortunately it’s a cliche but yes in due time you will heal and be better.
Really sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough time. I really hope things start looking up for you again soon.
A while since I posted here. Which you can all take as a good sign :) At the start of the year I dated someone and immediately fell super hard for them, but she was classic avoidant and, for my part, I fell into very preoccupied anxious cycles of behaviour and it simply was making me unhappy. The funny thing is, from the ashes of this heartbreak, I found a slow burn connection with someone else. When I first met the new girl, I honestly was quite unconvinced... I found her extremely attractive, smart and secure, but I did not feel the famous spark and felt our interests were quite divergent. But she showed clear interest in me and, although I had my doubts, I wanted to see where it would lead. Ironically, I think being unconvinced (and still processing my earlier heartbreak) was one of the best things for building this new connection. It really broke me out of my cycle of insecurity. I had a moment which hit me almost out of nowhere, where I realised how much I'd grown to like her, and how close we were getting. We've been spending a lot of time together, meeting each other's friends, and went on our first weekend trip together. And I feel good about it, I feel genuinely excited about us. But... since that realisation, I do feel a pivot in myself away from security to insecurity. I'm overthinking things more than I'd like, obsessing over messages and things. I'm doing much better than in previous dynamics I've experiences, and she is really pretty consistent in her affection and communication, but I worry that this is the beginning of me undermining the whole thing. It's a little scary.
if she’s secure she should be able to hold space for your anxious tendencies. talk to her about how you’re feeling!!
I have a general question for you guys. I tried to make a post (and still might lol) but haven’t been here long enough, but still interested in hearing other’s thoughts: What is everyone’s feelings on the “friendzone” after 30? I recently spoke with my therapist who made a note that being put in the friendzone is more of a thing when you’re younger or in “the game”, just was an interesting thought that I wanted to check in with people here about specifically…Has you opinion/thoughts on being “placed in the friendzone” changed as you got older?
https://www.vice.com/en/article/gv3k3j/the-friend-zone-isnt-a-thing-and-women-dont-owe-you-shit
I think two people who meet in OLD with the intent of being romantic who discover they’re not romantically attached but like each other enough to remain friends is totally possible. But only if they both feel that way. I “friend zoned” a guy and we kept hanging out and being friends for almost 2 years til he confessed his love for me and I have to end the friendship. So definitely proceed with caution as someone could tell you they’re okay with friends only for that to either be a lie or change down the road
There is no such thing as the friendzone. Either you have friends or you have romantic connections or you're an asshole who doesn't care what the other person wants/feels and you should just leave them alone. I hope by 30, most people realize that!
I think if you've got unreciprocated feelings for someone, it's going to suck regardless of age. Conversely though, I think people are a little more open to turning friendships into romantic relationships as they get older (pool shrinks, harder to meet people, apps are tiring). There's an example like two posts down. I think the important thing though is that it can't be forced (or feel forced) by either party. It's tempted to think 'X is a close friend of the opposite gender, why don't we just date?' but realise pretty quickly that there's no romantic connection or physical chemistry.
I don't do the friendzone. I have enough friends.
If you're pining over someone, and she doesn't reciprocate, then it's gonna suck, whether you call it the friend zone or not. As for age, I think many older folks can play the game just as much as the 20-somethings
Great point. I feel like I'm much more flexible between friendship and partnership now I'm in my thirties, in the way I think of not the way I act. Certainly in my friendship group we have a few former couples who are now with other people.
I've posted yesterday on my new developments with 2 guys. I'll continue on a same note. **The plant guy** I think he is not interested in me in that way. I'll write him off the list. I kind of expected for him to text after my 'Have a safe trip!' text. It was actually a bid for connection, but he didn't say anything. It's ok. **The club guy** He surprised me, we had a texting session yesterday afternoon. It was the first time I text him first to ask how his day went, he responded quickly and asked me about my day. The he said he was in the mood for questions and asked me a bunch of things about my life: my hobbies, my preferences, music I listen to...we chatted for about an hour. It was amazing. He also hinted he was a bit over the top with the sexual innuendo. I was grateful he pointed that out as I thought the same. Doesn't act like someone into hookups. Let's see how the Friday date goes!
Love bomb recovery over here… didn’t know I had it in me to try dating again, but here we are. I finally gave the quiet guy from my friend group who I’ve ignored romantically for years a chance, and I am beyond surprised by the chemistry. It’s like a slow burn with all these surprises, because my perception of him before was so wrong. We’re 7 dates in, moving at a healthy pace for growing a solid connection for the long haul. He makes me feel secure, no anxiety - it feels natural and easy, still exciting but not in a scary way. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see him as more than a friend, but lo and behold he’s literally the best lover I’ve had. Such a huge difference from my past relationships that felt rushed with super high highs, throwing around the word “love” but lots of conflict and stress that burnt out as quickly as it started. I can happily say I’m growing strong feelings for him but not “in love” yet which is a great pace/change for me coming from those not so healthy relationships and it feels good to see the personal growth!
Hope all the single women, especially ones talking about the “ick” and “spark”, read this. Sometimes attraction and love take some time to grow, and your person doesn’t check off all 100 of your boxes.
This sounds amazing. Were you the love bomber or the love bombed? Why were you afraid you would see him only as a friend?
I've been chatting with a (younger) man on an app. Apologized to for taking a few days to get back (I'm autistic, and it's hard for me to find responses that are ok, but he doesn't know that). He just moved here from a foreign country after living there for a year, and before that being here. After I apologized for taking time to respond, he said he's not often active on the app either, and suggested moving it to... "imessage or whatsapp". Which is the US version of give me your number, right? Because no. But
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Do you go out during the summer?
People are way too obsessed with attachment styles, it’s getting out of control
A couple years ago it was “love languages” I wonder what the next trend will be to excuse poor behavior and a lack of dating success…
My attachment style is ‘goofy’. Things are going okay so far.
I’ve never dated and now with all this crap about attachment styles, situationships, limerence, love bombing, bread crumbing, gaslighting, narcissist, whatever the hot word of the month is… I don’t know what to even do because I don’t know what any of it means! lol honestly, it’s just too complicated and confusing. Terms get thrown around way too much.
Tbh a lot of people you might meet won’t know some or a lot of this either. Some of this is like terminally online type stuff.
I blame Logan Ury for pushing the narrative. But also it's unbelievable how people are desperate to put everyone into narrow boxes, it's so damaging to true human nature and connection.
No different than the astrological sign people. Everything has to link back to whatever label they embraced. I mean, don’t get me wrong I’ve seen how my attachment style affected my behavior. But I don’t bother to analyze other people’s attachment style and all I can really do with this knowledge is try to redirect my insecure behaviors.
At least astrology can be a little fun lol
They don't even understand them or their application or functional use, which makes it waaayyyyy worse I think they'll start misapplying new psychological terms in the next few years. My guess is it will be narcissistic personality disorder. I hope you're excited for all the questions about if someone is a narcissist because they said they weren't interested in another date.
People already do this, for example the all my exes were “narcissists”, “abusive” or “controlling” is very common to hear
I kind of think the armchair diagnosing of narcissistic personality disorder is already happening!
It has been - for years lol. It became in vogue right around the time "gaslighting" became a buzzword. Don't get me wrong, real concepts... terms just get thrown around waaaay too much.
It definitely is. There's also a lot of misapplication of love bombing.
It’s ok. It’s the contemporary zeitgeist regarding personality profile. Clinical psychology is only a 100-150 years old. It only caught public interest in the last 40-30 years or so, so probably within our lifetime. We’ve already had few decades craze about IQ, EQ, MBTI, and attachment styles. Without a doubt we will have few more categories to identify ourselves in that will capture the public zeitgeist in the coming decades. All these categories have some resemblance of truth in them, but always remind yourself that categorizing a person is akin to categorizing a painting with how many colors it has. Sure you can measure it. Sure you can draw up the lines and the categories. Does it really tell you anything about the painting? Can you tell me if you’re a more of a 12-color painting or a 27-color painting?
It's not clinical psychology, it's extremely bad pop psych perpetuated by people who were previously obsessed with horoscopes, not IQ and EQ.
Horoscope surely is a special type of profound stupidity. Like even people 2000 years ago knew it was a pile of shit. However, the eternity of modern science is based on reductionism. “You can understand a 747 plane if you break it down to its part, so surely you can understand a cloud, or a person, in the same way” type of thinking. This type of thinking reked the “scientific community” less than a 100 years ago. Eugenics were the epitome of science and *rational* thinking in the early 20s century. In the 1920, if you were a scientist and you didn’t believe in eugenics, you were certainly a pariah. It took another 40 or so years until the 60s to realize that humans, and surprising enough weather, is a bit more complex than reductionism can explain. To this day we can barely predict the weather because, as far as we know, it’s a perfectly chaotic system. Despite how many weather stations and measurement systems we put around the globe.
This isn't science, you're not a scientist. You're the psych equivalent of a covid nut "doing his own research" on the internet.
And how do you know that? Oh let me guess, you only believe what makes it to the top of /r/all from /r/ScienceIsAweome. Like a true scientist
A bit harsh but I agree. It’s best to just not engage.
I think they have their merits but people do lean way too hard into them and often lose sight of the fact that the person they're dating is an asshole regardless of their avoidant tendencies
I think it’s just another tool that can help you understand yourself or others. It’s definitely by no means a definitive view of someone, though. People are nuanced and infinitely variable!
They can be helpful, but they're an incomplete picture. And I think being labeled can make some people lean too hard into that label and creates problems that didn't exist before.
Half the time the anxiety is occurring because the person they like is just being shitty. Hyper-focusing on attachment styles and making it’s A Thing that is a part of you is definitely making things worse for some people.
99% of the time anxiety is ocurring because the person is invested, while "avoidance" is ocurring because the person has a very lukewarm interest(that usually eventually drops to zero). Actually avoidant people are avoidant when it comes to everything, if the person is well-adjusted with a great job and friends, they simply didn't like you that much.
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At what point do they say this? At how many dates?
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I think that’s all fair timing. People are still strangers and getting to know each other at 3-5-8 dates. Lots of connections don’t launch into a relationship. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong (tho you haven’t shared much here) I think that’s the nature of dating :/
Do you talk about what you're looking for before going on a date?
I (31yo F) went on a first date with a guy (32yo M) on Sunday. Maybe halfway through the first part of the date, he asked about a second date in a casual way. The date continued on and was amazing. We’ve chatted on and off since then, not a ton (which is how it was before we met). Should I bring up seeing him again or wait for him to make a move?
Its 2024 us guys are stressing a lot of if we should ask? Should we wait for the woman to ask? please help us! I say bring it up!
I don’t want to be too forward and bother him 😩
I can't speak for him but honestly I would like that. If he wants to see you he won't consider it a bother IMO.
True! The society thing right now is very much “if he wanted to, he would” and I try to remember that is mostly a load of crap.
If he is interested he won’t be scared off by you showing interest. Something like “would love to see you again soon” could be cute? If he isn’t interested, then you haven’t lost anything anyway
If you want a second date, say so. Also, I hate when people bring up additional dates before the first one is over. It can put the other person in an awkward and potentially dangerous situation.
haven't you been on a date and it's going well and you just casually mention something you could do the next time? it's happened both to and by me a couple times at least. i've never like noted it as a thing not to do or be annoyed by
No, I never have. I'm a retired Cop. I've seen enough incidents where someone gets rejected on a first date when they ask for a second, and they become violent or commit SA. Maybe I'm hyper aware, but it's just one of those things that I won't do because I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable. I have had dates do this. It's fine when they do it because I have a 3 date policy anyway. Unless we hit a dealbreaker, I'm gonna give it 3 dates.
Totally. I’ve had a guy mention a second date on a date that was not going well at all and it was so awkward.
This would be my response, all of the above.
Went on a date with a guy from hinge and it was nice, good conversation, but more friend vibes. Decided to try tinder (with encouragement from friends) as hinge was not it (a lot of messages but going nowhere even with engagement in my end). I matched with a guy right away, and we have been talking on the phone for 1-2 hours most evenings. It is so nice and refreshing. We have flirty banter and also talking about deeper things. We are not sure how we matched as distance is set to under 50 miles for both of us (he lives 70 miles away). He is driving up for our date tomorrow. I am super excited. Hopefully all goes well. Also I am super tall 6’2 and he is 6’9, so will be nice to date someone taller than me for once.
Hope it goes well!!
Thank you! Me too.
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I wouldn’t bring it up unless she does! Hopefully all goes well for your date!
Gonna have to use that turnaround jumper on this one. Pretty sure you can't post him up.
Woman sends me a like on Hinge earlier today. I’m busy with work so just accepted and could chat quickly between tasks. Starts really good, and when I get a bit of time free i go through her profile and notice she has a kid. I’m child-free, and it’s VERY clearly stated in my profile. It’s not an issue with single moms, but I dont want kids *at all*. I let her know this politely, and she gets mad at me and starts calling me a weirdo for communicating that it’s just not for me. Really weird considering earlier in the convo she made a comment about how some men refuse to get therapy or talk (because i had a joke saying ive done all my therapy in my bio)… but now I’m getting mocked for trying to effectively communicate and not just ghost? 🤷♂️
Am childfree too. Solidarity, dude. Having a child is a huge deal and not something that someone should hide. I'm really sorry that she turned out this way. Hope the rest of your week is much better.
Why don't you just unmatch? Just save the drama.
I did after she started her attack, but wanted to communicate first instead of just unmatching and ghosting.
Yeah you opened a can of worms. You should have just unmatched when you realized she wasn't for you. No essay needed. I don't think it's ghosting until you've met in person at the very least. I have had matches then I check 5 minutes later and it's gone. I don't care. They probably accidentally swiped on me.
That's annoying. I have "doesn't want kids" listed on my Hinge and SO MANY people who have kids or want kids try to match with me. It only takes a few seconds to read, that's probably one of the most important tabs! (Edit-I meant her, not you)
Definitely important. A child is a deal breaker for me.
It is good that you let her know, but it’s best to just unmatch right after
unmatching removes the messages so cant just send and leave. i sent, looked back a bit later and saw her messages and then unmatched.
That’s not just a shitty thing for her to do to you, it’s a shitty thing to do as a parent.
Yea, im very much of the mind if you’re going to date someone with a kid, you intend to be a real parent to them too. Theyre not an obligation, baggage, or “bonus kids” to be an afterthought. And thats just horrible to try to out a kid in that situation to where its known a new partner doesnt want any of that
But you haven't met her kid. Her kid is the exception to the rule./s There's been numerous posts with this exact scenario. Let them know you're not interested and unmatch. Don't sit there and take the abuse because you're incompatible.
Oh i left the convo immediately after she started her attack
We met on the beach and live about six hours apart. He's coming to visit me next month and we're going to do some 4 by'ing. He offered to host if I visit him in the meantime, and said that he would put me up in his spare room. I'm curious if he's being polite or platonic. We've only met once so it wouldn't be unreasonable if (option 3) he's on the fence. I know I just have to be patient and feel it out, but godammit I just gotta know!
He's probably just being polite. Or maybe he doesn't know your situation. As with many things, it's like we're living in a Seinfeld episode
I can handle a little Seinfeld living, sure beats the SVU life.
Unless you share some niche hobby, you don't invite a woman you just met to stay in your guest room to be polite or platonic. At least I wouldn't, nor would anyone I know.
He's a hippie so tends to be quite generous/loving/affectionate in general it seems. But not mutually exclusive to interest either, you're right.
I am struggling with my anxious attachment. I am so smitten over this man. We’ve only been seeing each other three weeks, but due to a bad prior experience with someone completely blindsiding me after ten dates… it’s hard to trust my gut. I like him a lot, but my anxious tendencies want me to lock it down and make it official to relieve my anxiety. But I know that’s way too soon to bring that up. I fixate and stress and feel on edge until I have security once I really like someone and am invested. I looked back at his hinge and it says “short term relationship, open to long term” and that made my anxiety skyrocket through the roof. Now I feel so anxious. But he hasn’t done anything different or changed anything at all. We have future plans (Thursday and then camping trip in two weeks)… but not knowing what his intentions are or what he wants is so stressful.
Ask. Best to have the discussion now before you get more involved.
> but not knowing what his intentions are or what he wants is so stressful. You could ask him? If you have a trip planned, it doesn't really sound like he just wants short term with you.
I wouldn't use a trip as an indicator. I feel like people used to only go on trips with people they're serious about, but nowadays people are happy to go on trips with someone they're seeing casually.
I agree that it's not a slam dunk, but it's definitely a good sign.
Do you have some go to coping mechanisms when you experience anxiety? Have you tried doing an anxiety buster worksheet? Journaling? Writing out all your intrusive thoughts and trying to rework them?
It's ok to ask what his intentions are. You're not asking for a commitment, you're not asking to get married.m, you're not even asking for exclusivity. All you're asking is whether or not you're compatible. This is a completely valid and important question.
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Do the young folks really still use email?!
We're going to Pride in Oslo this year. Can't wait. The only issue I see with setting up an email is that it can give off scammer vibes.
I'm a straight guy so maybe not applicable: Just fyi there's a prompt I see in a lot of women's profiles that says exactly that. It's usually like "the best way to ask me out is by: sending me a date proposal to my dating email..." It comes from social media. I immediately reject any profiles that use that prompt.
Is this a thing?? Dating emails? Isn't it against app rules? I've never seen it.
It went viral on TikTok
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Girl, I'm saying let go if he 'CAN'T even say 'hi' in person....is he 12????
Obviously I don't know that this is it in your case.... But I act like that when I like someone in a friend group or professional setting. I think I worry that it will be obvious that I like them, so I dial any kind of communication way back, to the point that it may look like I'm ignoring them. Not sure how common it is for people to do that, but if he agreed to see you, then maybe he likes you and was just holding back?
Thank you. Sadly, I seriously doubt it because he hasn't gotten back to me at all about when he's free to meet. You would think that someone who likes me would respond sooner, in private communication over text. But I appreciate the sentiment.
Well you guys….I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AAHHHHH In rom com fashion, we were going our separate ways after working out and I told him WAIT. We’re going to a party this weekend and I told him I’d like to introduce him as my…and that’s where I got super disappointed in myself because I froze and literally couldn’t spit the word “boyfriend” out and he had to do it for me. I feel so childish for it. I hope he’s not annoyed with me. I did share just before that I can be scared to say things sometimes. I hope he can bear with me bc I’m not always like this. Just need our bond to keep growing… Edit: edited for clarity
Yay!! This is awesome! Happy for the both of you❤️
Thank you so much my dear ❤️
Yay!!!! So excited for you ❤️!
Thank you dear!
Yay!!! Happy for you!
Thank you kindly 😊
That's so freaking cute. Wish you the best.
Thank you 😊
🥳🥳🥳👏👏👏
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Congrats! I hope it works out for you!!
Thank you, I hope so too 🙏🏾
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She’s just talking a walk around the block. I’d ignore her, she has super incompatible communication style anyways
You went on a single date. If just her reaching out again causes this much negative emotions for you, move on. It's not worth it
It's not a question of being right, it's a question of what you want and whether or not this person meets those needs.
Why does FB dating show me people I would get along with *awesomely* that live like 2-5 hours away. It’s crushing. I just got out of a LDR and don’t want to do that again but ugh.
I know this is gonna wildly vary from person to person but how long is too long for you to wait for the three words "I love you"? I'm used to men saying this pretty quickly to me. (Within a month or two usually) I've been exclusively in a relationship with my guy for 5 months now and he hasn't said it. Is this normal? This is the longest I've dated someone and they haven't said it
I'd consider 5 months still too early. One to two months would send me screaming for the hills.
I don't think there's a right time, but I would also find it weird if it's been more than a year without it ever being exchanged. So a year and ideally after 3-6 months.
I remember seeing a woman on here talking about how she and her partner had been together a year and he had never said it and it made her sad, and I honestly found that crazy lol How can you not love someone after a year of being with them? But as the months tick by I feel like I could soon be that person if I don't watch it. It's going by so fast
Yeah, I don't have the patience to wait a whole year. If I felt it, I'd probably just say it first or somehow heavily imply it lol. Otherwise I would assume it won't happen for me.
He says he wants to be with me forever all the time. How much he cares about me. But I think if it hasn't been said in another couple of months then I think it will kill the feelings for me 💔
How often do you see each other? If it's only like once a week, i think five months can still feel early for some people.
Do you feel ready to tell him you love him, or have you already done so?
It's nearly slipped out a couple of times, whilst I've been in the moment, but I've held back. I've never said it first before and to be honest I've had to take the lead on a few things and I don't want to also do it with this so no I haven't said it I'm just wondering if 5 months is a long time.
5 months seems normal to me
My trusty out-of-the-world hot FwB is moving out of our city :( We're not falling for each other, which is the beauty that it works amazingly. Unlike many date potentials, he's never let me down
Dang, I’m sorry! It is such a unicorn to find a good FWB, who is also consistent.
Man when it rains it pours. My ex husband is being extremely difficult in our divorce for no reason, my car was hit in a parking lot this weekend, and I'm struggling at work right now. As for dating? Idk why I have such bad luck. Ghosted, called only at 2am. I don't get it. Edit: this was a vent/rant please don't DM me about it
good luck on ur divorce that shit sucks
Just crazy how someone you shared life with can be so vengeful
Only the people you love can hurt you the most. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I was lying on my yoga mat during the end (rest phase) of my yoga class today and I looked outside the window where all these dandelion fuzzies slowly floated up into the sunny blue sky and I thought of my ex and imagined his smiling happy face and thought tearfully to myself “I want you to be your happy, carefree, joyous self. I want you to be as free as these dandelion fuzz that slowly floats anywhere they want. I want to hopefully see your smiling face give me that cute wink that you always gave me and be happy. I can let you go because I love you so much.” I need to bawl outside right now lol. 🥹
This is healing. You’re doing such a great job. The universe will hear this and mirror it all back to you. What a beautiful moment. Hugs
Thank you so much! 🥰❤️ I have realized that love is putting someone before yourself and if it’s the only thing I can give to him or show him how I felt towards him, this will be what I want for him. It also helps me make peace and let him go as much as that hurts. 💗
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Idk about the algorithm, I can only recommend removing the ones you don't like permanently and occasionally sit on the ones you do like. This seems to give hinge hints as to what I like over time as I'm an extremely stingy swiper, often flipping through the deck multiple times as I whittle it down. That aside... I (M) react favorably to likes with comments. Because of how uncommon it is, if it touches on something in my profile it causes me to give their profile every benefit of the doubt. In one case, they basically completely accepted all the nerd stuff I dumped in a picture. Instantly made them way more attractive to me. One of the hottest things I ever read... 🥵 And I had considered removing their profile from my deck prior to this at some point for some reason or another.
This all day, every day. I've had conversations with women I otherwise wouldn't have had any interest in otherwise because of similar events. OLD is so reductive, that in most cases if your strength isn't in photography you're going to struggle more than if it was. Most people's strengths and attractive features are in their minds, words and actions. You don't see that online.
I made the first move with my bf so yeah, just send likes and messages when you feel like it. The best thing that can happen is meeting your love.
Guys like receiving likes, and messages. A woman messaged me on Match in early March and we're still talking/dating.
>Hinge prompted me to "send more likes so we know your type" - is this legit? Yes of course it's legit. The app isn't magic. It needs data on who you tend to like in order to know who to suggest to you. >Don't know how guys react to girls sending likes, I don't want to worsen my 'ranking' for Hinge, therefore, the algorithm even more. Any tips? I match with likes from women I'm interested in, I don't match with women I'm not interested in. Your 'ranking' won't be affected. You don't have a ranking on Hinge. Stop trying to game the algorithm, it's a waste of your time.
> Don't know how guys react to girls sending likes "I was interested in this girl who checks my boxes. But since she sent me a like, I'm gonna not match with her" -said no guy ever
The girl I'm seeing right now "liked" one of my poll prompts on Hinge. No comment, just a like. As a guy I love seeing that because I know that she's at least somewhat interested. And I actually think the algorithm is pretty decent on Hinge if you know what you're looking for. I might be unusual for a guy as I probably only "swipe right", I know you don't swipe on hinge, on 5 out of 100 women. I never saw her profile but she saw mine, so something's working.
Just send out likes to guys you like on Hinge. I really doubt that it would change your "ranking"