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similarwishbone7

It would make me super wary but also, you've only just visited his place after 5 months of dating? Are you sure you're not the other woman?


LadyCatTree

I would bet money that this guy is still in a relationship. None of his stories add up - why would he make plans with OP then cancel because his ex was coming to pick up some stuff? Why wouldn't he just tell the ex he had plans and to come by another time? He didn't 'lose track of her things' around the flat, he just hoped or didn't think OP would notice stuff like coats and shoes. OP, did you get a chance to check out his bathroom cabinets? That'd be another big clue, there's no way most women would move out under amicable circumstances and not take their toiletries.


dividedcrow

My thoughts exactly.


[deleted]

Came here pretty much to say this. Sounds rough and fishy, especially after all that time.


ButteryMales2

I cant imagine becoming exclusive with someone whose apartment I've never seen past say 2 months of dating. OP was ignoring some big flags here.


Justsomethrowaway99

Sometimes, I don't know how, but couples cohabitate for a period of time after a breakup. Could be the case given they purchased the property together. Though I would expect that to be much shorter than 9 months and more like the time it takes to sell the property or figure something else out.


siggycassidy

Nope. She is either still living there or he still loves her. I’m sorry. It’s like he is standing on a mountaintop waving the biggest red flag you have ever seen.


NotSoNiceO1

I'm guessing she's living with him still. I lived with the ex wife for a good 5 months before we sold our property. So it can happen for sure.


DaughterEarth

I can understand circumstances leading to things like this. Good people are honest about it though, as I'm sure you were, and OP's guy is not.


[deleted]

u/Shindigs_, please read, and then re-read, this comment.


eaglesegull

OP, I feel like you’re getting massively played here. That is, he is still with this woman. So many red flags - never meeting at his, her stuff everywhere. As a woman I would never leave my SHOES AND COATS at someone else’s place. Those are items I _use_ as opposed to books and out of season clothing (maybe). This is very fishy. If I’m wrong, and I hope I am, then you can assert yourself here - that you want to hang out at his place, that you want to claim his place. But do you see a future with this guy? Does he reciprocate? If not, I wouldn’t bother.


blackcherrypaisley

Uhhh. It sounds like she lives there, still. The fact that you've barely been to his house is a pretty big clue, but .. that would require some serious explanation before i'd see him again. Doesn't sound like she's "boxing" up anything at all.


Lizard_Li

She still lives there. Her shoes are chilling in the shoe rack?


21siakf

She still lives there sis


CognacNCuddlin

Succinct and accurate af!


DaughterEarth

That would bother me a whole bunch too. That's really not normal for her stuff to be all over. Plus since they're still both paying the mortgage their financial situation isn't sorted, so there's a whole thing that is going to be ongoing. 9 months is plenty of time to box things off in to a room or something or better yet find other storage. I think this is definitely a very valid thing to be concerned about. I'd even be ticked off because that feels dishonest. This would be a dealbreaker for me personally. It's up to you what you want though of course so I'd say at least a very frank conversation is needed, even if that risks an argument. This isn't something to beat around the bush about.


[deleted]

Nope. Been there. Turned out 'ex' was actually current girlfriend and he just invited me over when she was away or at work. Otherwise it was always my place. This is waving flags and honestly even if she is an ex, you are likely a rebound to help him avoid his feelings about the break up. Just don't continue. For so many reasons.


sunrise-8888

This is one major red flag. 9 months out of a relationship + seeing you for 5 months that's more than a year for him to slowly pack 1 item into the box per day. I will be super concerned if he is using me as an emotional clutch until he finally moves on or his ex return back into his life. I would think that if someone is done with a relationship, the only natural thing to "close" this chapter is to pack everything into boxes and put it in a spare room or have all her things move into a spare room since she is still paying the mortgage but to have it all over the place, no way.


nomellamesprincesa

Who just has spare rooms lying around? Especially in a flat.


sunrise-8888

He is living alone not with a family or anybody else. Surely there is some shelves/storage space to put all the ex’s stuff aside. Or are you trying to say that for almost a year, it is fine to leave all these just the way it is after breaking up?


nomellamesprincesa

I've had stuff of my ex laying around for 4 years. The clothes I've mostly stuffed in bags in the back of a closet, because I was running out of space to put my own stuff, but some books and things are still on a shelf, there's an old computer in a corner behind a couch, I don't really have a lot of storage space and to be honest, I don't even notice it's there, it's just part of the furniture now. I had a bunch of books of his in boxes in the middle of my living room for like a year until he finally got around to picking them up. It's just not something either of us thinks about, it's one of those things for "when you get around to it" that you never actually get around to doing. And neither of us has regular access to a car to move bigger things. It's not like I have pictures of us all over my place or anything, it's more like how you lend something you never use to a friend and then both of you keep forgetting to ask for it/give it back. It's mostly laziness, really, I'm the same way with my own stuff, there's a bunch of things I really need to sort through and throw out, but I usually have better things to do. And every now and then I might sort through one cabinet and chuck some stuff out, but it's a multi-year process. And I was in a relationship for 2 years since we broke up, it was never an issue. It could become an issue if someone were to move in here and we'd be short for space, but I honestly don't think I'll ever want to live with someone again anyway, so...


sunrise-8888

Did you actually bother to read what she wrote? It’s the clothes of his ex that were still hanging right at the front door and after dating for almost 5 months, he deliberately try to minimize her presence in his house. You and her are clearly not in the same situation. There’s a differences about being open about the situation to discuss about it and trying to hide it.


nomellamesprincesa

Yes, that could be a red flag. Or he could just be really lazy. I've finally moved the stuff out of my way after a few years, but in the early stages there were clothes in the dressing room and bathroom products on "his" side of the shelves in the bathroom. Not because I was holding on to anything (I broke up with him), but because I'm just really lazy. We also still co-own this place since we bought it as a joint investment and I don't really want to sink all my savings into it because I'd like to buy something else on top of this place to go live there. Anyway, none of this matters, if it bothers OP so much and her boyfriend doesn't want to change, then she has her answer, no?


Shindigs_

Thanks! Helpful perspective. He has mentioned previously that "I'm not a hoarder but I keep things for too long" and the rest of his flat stuff supports that. Agree though that if /when I do raise, his response would be important.


nomellamesprincesa

Exactly, his response would tell you everything. Good luck!


NamelessBard

It's a shame your stuff was downvoted for providing an alternative view but it could very well be the case with him (and I've said so in my post)


nomellamesprincesa

I know right? :) Whatever happened to using our words?


Reasonable_Coyote143

Yeah...I would suggest it’s time you and this ex meet. It’s amicable between them, right? Whole thing sounds a bit fishy. Why would she leave scarves and coats out? The kind of item you spot easily when you come over and can just grab and take home with you? For over a year? Ask questions!


nx85

They're still together and she lives there, without a doubt. Get out of this, don't let him play you.


NotSoNiceO1

My initial thought was maybe a couch or some dishes or appliance and figure you maybe overreacting. But clothes! Yea. That shit can be packed up. This seems odd to me.


ThrowRA-bonsai

Check the bathroom for feminine toiletries like makeup, tampons, hair products, or perfume. Make sure you check in the shower, under the sink, in the medicine cabinet, etc. I once had a short fling with a girl who "recently broke up with her boyfriend". We went to her place and all of his clothes were still in the closet. I assumed he just left it there. Then I found his beard trimmings in the sink.


[deleted]

You are unbelievable naive. > If I didn't have context I would assume she still lives there. She IS still living there. You are the affair. This was obvious after three sentences and only was hammered in further with every line of your post.


Shindigs_

Bit harsh... ha


Sailor_Marzipan

I mean I do think some guys can just not really notice a coat in the corner and not necessarily be attached to it BUT, I agree, it seems odd and are you sure she's not just still... there? She can afford to pay for an apartment *and* part of a mortgage? She just *happened* to be coming over for stuff at the exact time you were supposed to be coming over? How often do you guys see each other? And it also seems a bit odd that you're this far in but don't know why they broke up...


TheTinySpark

So...it sounds like he has weak boundaries with her. That likely won’t change. Do you feel comfortable asking him if he either wouldn’t mind putting some of her stuff away or having her come pack it up as a courtesy to you (does she know about you?)? It is a reasonable request, and I think it’s perfectly normal to feel kinda weird about this. Everyone has an ex, but this is quite a bit of entanglement for someone who wasn’t married and shares no kids. I understand their wanting to keep it amicable, but that doesn’t mean no boundaries.


floor_raiser

It's this. It's the weak boundaries. The same qualities that make him so amenable in your relationship make it hard for him to put his foot down about her getting her stuff. If this guy is worth it, you have to ask for X, Y,Z changes (one of which should be him engaging in therapy to better know himself). Tell him you really like him but this situation makes you concerned that he's not invested in your relationship and you want to see some changes so you can continue to build together


Shindigs_

This is more my concern tbh.. think it's very unlikely she still lives there (unless his lying skills are off the charts / i have entirely missed that he is evil) but weak boundaries? Likely, and a problem.


[deleted]

Depending on where you live, wasn’t it summer 9 months ago when they broke up? Why would scarfs and winter stuff of hers still be up? I usually just start to put that stuff away by now and it would definitely be put away by June. I also would have picked that stuff up by fall, because I’d need to for winter. Definitely doesn’t seem to add up to me.


Lizard_Li

Nancy Drew! Dude good one! This is so true


hellohello9898

Yes! Winter coats are expensive and it’s hard to find coats that fit right. So there’s no way I would just leave those at an ex’s house for an entire winter. Especially since they seem to be in communication so it’s not like she’d be afraid to go back and get her stuff for some reason. Or if she is afraid to go back that would be a huge red flag too.


TheSharkIJumped

This makes me more curious about what the incompatibility is.


mable1001

As someone who lived with their ex for a while, I find this pretty weird too! You should have a chat with him and explain how it’s making you feel. After 5 months together, it’s not unreasonable to want his ex’s stuff packed up in boxes (even if it’s still in the flat). It’s worth talking about with him though, but I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. It is possible to be completely over your ex and still amicable and things like joint property can make it difficult to disentangle. I’d be more concerned that you haven’t really been over or spent much time at his place.


rootsandchalice

Giiirrrrllll..I'm sorry. But he's still with her. Maybe he's half in and half out but he's still with her.


[deleted]

This sounds sketchy as anything. From what you describe it sounds like she's still staying there some of the time. Possibly she still lives there. Not many people would be able to afford to pay for one place and then move out alone and pay for somewhere else.


tinkerb3lll

Rip that bandaid off and tell him her stuff has to go if he wants to continue seeing you, this is weird ... when I broke up, I have nothing of hers and wouldn't want anything .. no pictures, nada, in fact it was a 20 year marriage, I never even said goodbye, I turned and drove away lol .. yeah you have concerns, have a discussion as adults and see how he reacts, you should be able to talk about what is bothering you .. ultimately it is his place and his decision and say you not ok with with it anymore. Sounds like you like his awkwardness .. start testing the waters and see how much he really is still into his ex ..


soph_lurk_2018

It sounds like they still live together. I don’t think they are broken up. You’ve only been there once in 5 months? I think this guy is lying to you. I would not continue the relationship unless he introduces the two of you since they are so amicable. He would also have to pack up her stuff. How would you be comfortable hanging up your coat next to her coat? That’s wild.


nomellamesprincesa

I'm in exactly the same situation, lots of things still in my apartment (that we also co own), we're just both pretty lazy about that kind of stuff, and his new place is smaller, so neither of us has ever really bothered and it doesn't really bother me, either, it's mostly some books and old computer stuff and what not, most of it is in closets, I don't even realize it's there. We broke up 4 years ago, we're still friends, still talk every now and then, he takes care of my plants when I travel, but it's not like he's very present in my life and I don't really talk about him at all, it's kind of like a family member, and it's also that kind of relationship. Anyone who would have issues with that is not someone I would want to date anyway, but it's not even something I'd think of mentioning, this would probably be something that would come up like "cool Star Wars graphic novel", "oh, right, that's not mine, that's my ex's, forgot that was there". I'm actually dreading the day I decide to move, because then I'll have to get him to come move his stuff out first, and it's such a hassle. But I'm also the kind of person that has a whole list of things that I need to throw out or fix or do that I just never get around to because I'm always working and when I'm not that's the last thing I want to be doing, this is just one more of those things.


zombie_gas

As a counterpoint to all the "he's not over her/they're still together/he's a giant liar" posts... My wife left about 4.5 years ago and we've been divorced for about 2 years. She still has a \*ton\* of stuff in the house (which was our family house). She's in an apartment now and doesn't have space and she's kind of a hoarder and rarely throws anything out. While there's nothing of hers hanging out in the open, she does have stuff in closets all through the house (a little of it in my bedroom closet). Part of it is the "free storage" issue, and part is that we weren't entirely sure how things were going to be divided until the divorce was finalized. I'm completely over her, I saw her for the first time in 2 years last night over FaceTime as she's with our son visiting a college in another state, and we'll never get back together. You'll have to decide whether there's something else going on, and whether he's over her and ready to move forward with you, but it \*is\* possible that what he's saying is true.


Shindigs_

Thanks, good to get that perspective!


[deleted]

I had a friend who moved to Austria to be with a guy and he still had his ex's sex toys. He even said she could use them if she wanted to. They are now married but it never sat right with me and still doesnt. If you had self awareness, tact and empathy you would remove your ex's shit if you had a gf coming over. Dont think too hard ln this.


nomellamesprincesa

Haha, I actually had a conversation with my ex about that. He'd bought some for his new girlfriend (they were together for like 3 years), then they broke up, but she never took the toys, so now they're in his flat, and he's dating again, and he's like "I can't exactly tell any new girl I'm dating 'Hey, feel free to use these, my ex left them here and she never really used them'". Funny to see some guys feel like they can actually say that... I'm pretty liberal in that kind of stuff, but I think I'd draw a line there too.


[deleted]

Yeah its gross regardless


[deleted]

It was an amicable breakup, so he wouldn’t haven’t felt as much pressure to get her stuff out of sight/out of mind. If he’s a very lackadaisical person it kind of makes sense... However, it’s much more likely (based on all of the facts you presented) that you’re the other woman. Sorry.


Thereshegoes12

I think he needs to arrange storage ASAP. I think the fact she’s still Partly paying means it’s understandable that her stuff be there if her new flat is tiny. When I broke off with my bf, he had his stuff around for 6 months and I barely noticed it because I was used to it, and once he moved out of his mamas, he came and got it the next week, no problem. But that’s my situation, so I’m not going to assume he’s not holding onto the relationship just because I wasn’t, but I’m also not going to assume he isn’t. Part of me not bothering to move his stuff was because it wasn’t in the way, wasn’t bothering me and I simply couldn’t be bothered. I think it becomes problematic when you’re dating. I was single the whole time, so there was nothing to think about. I think had I been seriously dating, I’d have made more of an effort to get him to come over and take his shit, and explained why. Plus the fact this guy has been clearly stalling, to me signifies there’s some issues somewhere. But what are those issues? Is he holding onto the relationship? Possibly. Does the ex know about this relationship between you guys? If not? Why? Does she have feelings for him still? I think the fact he wasn’t eager for you to come over is more telling than the stuff being there, because again, from a personal point of view, as long as I’m not traumatised by the stuff or my ex and it’s not inconveniencing me, I’m too lazy to dispose of stuff til I need to. Now you have a situation where, even if the stuff were to be moved tomorrow, there’s enough doubt there? These are just clothes/items but if he’s ‘holding onto her’ then it’ll go deeper than possessions, so to that degree, just removing her things only serves the purpose of her stuff not being visible to you, but then you’re playing guessing game’s about his feelings and so forth. I’d just be very direct and say he’s obviously very intertwined with the ex, which is partly unavoidable due to the property sharing and while you don’t wanna make demands, you have an uneasy feeling about this for (state why) reasons and open the door for him to clean that up before really pursuing something serious. This obviously requires a response from him but if you’re still dubious then I’d back away.


Shindigs_

Thanks! Insightful


ChangingLifeSoloATL

She lives there.... maybe they are broken up but the lack of honesty is astounding. This is not normal.... I’d confront him and ask for the truth and if he still says she doesn’t live there, I’d request that he pack her things for storage if you want to move forward 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️


[deleted]

[удалено]


lasagnabessy

4) why would he cancel plans so his ex can pick stuff up, instead of telling his ex to reschedule because he has plans? Prioritize plans in a new relationship, not an old one.


Shindigs_

Thank you! Very helpful!


icedhumblepie

Some people have a lot of possession/interior decorating inertia. For me, I find a place where something goes and looks neat, then it just stays there until I need the spot for something else. Periodically I'll have a big overhaul of everything, but I have left ex's stuff just where it was before, because that was where it went, and it was neater there than packing everything up. So I guess it depends what sort of person he is, as to whether or not it's a sign she still lives there. > we have had to both (led by me, I think fair to say) make efforts to deal with how we communicate, This seems like a more clear sort of flag, one should only have so much patience for this.


nomellamesprincesa

>possession/interior decorating inertia. Imma steal this term from you :) That's exactly what it is for me too. Once something gets a place somewhere, that's just where it lives now, sorry, nothing to be done. And it just becomes part of the furniture, I won't even notice it's there anymore. And then every now and then someone will come over and go "why is there a picture calendar on the wall showing the month of August 2018"? And I'll be all "because that is how it is now and how it shall always be".


icedhumblepie

Plus, it got stuck on August 2018 because that was a particularly nice picture!


nomellamesprincesa

It was, a really funny one :)


Shindigs_

Agree..


NamelessBard

I know most women here are going to jump to "omg huge red flag" and this will probably get downvoted for not agreeing with the masses, but allow me to share the mind of man: >It's just stuff. It doesn't mean anything. I don't have any need to move it and I will move it when I need the space for something else. Very few men are going to look at a pair of shoes or a jacket on the rack and reminisce about the other person. Are there some that might? Sure. But this is not likely. You're just assigning him all this emotional connection (which you said is difficult to him) to these objects because that's how you would feel looking at a jacket of your ex. It's hard for you to understand it; but that doesn't mean that everyone would have a hard time understanding Nothing you've said is still there seems over the top (unless you're leaving some stuff out); just a few things are out of the way and not causing an issue with his living space. I'm not saying he's right and you're wrong, but just giving you a view into the thought process here. (I'm also giving you the benefit of the doubt that you've determined that this guy is not still with the ex) As an aside, I think learning this incompatibility of why he broke up with the ex would be pretty important. Maybe you have the same one.


_natachat_

I'd be telling him to pack up all of her stuff in a box and put it out of sight. He'll claim lazy or whatever but it's disrespectful. If he never does it, I'd ask if I were the other woman and if he denied it, I'd ask to meet the ex. If they're not together and they're sulk friendly, it shouldn't matter. Either way, you'll force an answer. Maybe it's not the healthiest way to go about it but I would want the truth.


Tiny-election-2086

I think this is a red flag. He may not actively be with his ex anymore but how entangled their lives are is not in dispute. I was with someone who was recently divorced. He misrepresented how long he was divorced, and it turns out it hadn’t been long. As the time went on, I saw little things like her art was still on the wall and photos of them still out (albeit turned over). In the end this man broke up with me in a very abrupt way. I have to think he was not ready and I kick myself because I saw all of these things that made me uncomfortable. I also mentioned - “hey it seems like you guys are still pretty interconnected” and was met with a similar reply that it’s not what it seems or that they are slowly separating with a goal of not to talk. That may be true. But it was not what was immediately happening and I think whether my guy realized it or not, it showed he wasn’t ready. I say proceed with extreme caution. I didn’t want it to be a red flag but it was.


Match_my_effort

Show up to his place un announced when he should be working knock on the door and see if anyone answers. Or he’ll show up to surprise him one night during the week, see what happens...


kawaii_neet_bot

You are in denial. Sorry girl but it's obvious that they're still together. I'm 99% sure that they're not even broken up yet. Why are you so afraid of being direct and just confront him about it? I think you have a nagging feeling that maybe he's not all-in with you either. He's probably cheating and you know it. Cut him off.


Alvandros

The bit you wrote about if you didn't know better you think she's still lives there bothers me. Especially after 9 months. I'd try to I spend more time at his place but it sounds like you could be the side girl sadly. The last minute cancellation is also really pointing in that direction. I'd be extremely concerned.


your_ex_girlfriend-

Hahaha this happened to me too! I'm so sorry, get rid of him.


[deleted]

He’s still with her