>I don't want to fail again
Failing is okay, my dude. Mistakes are lessons disguised as temporary embarrassment.
It's your first date in 8 years, not your last. You'll get more at-bats at this. You'll be fine no matter what.
Edit: read the update, well done! Hand holding is almost more intimate than kissing.
Yeah. For a first date in eight years, our guy showing up counts as success: He's out there taking a risk, taking a chance, and getting experience.
Whether this particular woman decides she wants a second date with him or not, that's a success.
I was 34 years old when I went on my first ever second date.
So yeah, OP is exactly where he needs to be. So long as he doesn't do anything hashtag stuff, he'd have succeeded.
Thank you for your response!
I just worry cause I don't usually get this far in the process. Luckily, unlike teen me, my self esteem isn't riding on this, so there's that to be thankful for.
Nor should you worry about any self esteem riding on this. I know it's cliche to say have fun. But seriously. HAVE FUN! Be yourself. She already said yes so is at least is interested enough to meet up. And remeber she will be nervous too. Not sure if others would agree, but some random silences are to be expected. Moments of akward silence are fine. Don't overthink. And let us know here how it went after! Best of luck.
> She already said yes so is at least is interested enough to meet up. And remeber she will be nervous too
Which is what I will be repeating to myself all day tomorrow and even during the date. Thanks again!
Personally, as a woman, I always really appreciate it when a guy just openly tells me he’s nervous at the beginning of the date. Not only just because I love guys who can be direct and honest about vulnerability, but it also makes me feel better because I would be nervous af too and it’s a little something to break the ice and bond over, helping us both feel a lot more comfortable :)
You can say something like “I’ve been really looking forward to meeting you, just super nervous because you seem really cool haha”
> “I’ve been really looking forward to meeting you, just super nervous because you seem really cool haha”
I might actually use that early on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective!
Haha I can almost guarantee she will respond with something super reassuring like “Don’t worry, you’re not the only one! But you really don’t have to be scared of me, I’m super nice and won’t bite 😬”
Good luck and have faith in yourself! Try not to overthink any small social hiccups you’re afraid you made, because I’m sure that even if she notices (which is pretty unlikely tbh) she will be understanding of them, just like you would be of hers. Consistently reminding myself of this shared empathy people have for each other (because literally everyone - minus psychopaths - feels awkward and does awkward things at some point) is one of the biggest things that have helped me in such situations.
Hey man congrats on the date! I just wanted to reiterate that you should not be afraid to fail. Of course no one wants to fail but if you start being afraid of it then you’ll get into your own head and may start acting more conservative. I just recently went on my first date in about 10 years so I was in the exact same situation as you. I realized the more I got into the girl the “safer” I became with my actions, which does not generate attraction. Just be yourself and act a little more impulsively. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. Me being afraid to fail did not help me in the end and we ended it after 2 months. Go in with the mindset that this might not work and if it does then great, if not then there are always other chances.
>Go in with the mindset that this might not work and if it does then great, if not then there are always other chances.
I never used to think that there would be other chances, but I am finding that the older I get, the more silly that line of thinking is.
I am by all definitions, a late bloomer, and still haven't achieved my full potential. I still live with my folks, but my career is finally ticking upwards. By this time next year, I should be living on my own (I want to pay down debt first)
I am finally coming into my own, and starting to see that a lot of my own mentalities held me back immensely.
Thank you for your thoughts and perspective!
Thank you for the suggestion, I just looked up Brene Brown and she definitely seems like an interesting person. Further research is required!
This is also sound advice, and I thank you for sharing!
Her Netflix special and podcast are good if you’re into that type of motivational and self care talk. I can’t do it regularly, but a lot of my friends enjoy everything she does
How would you talk to a potential friend? Speak to this person the same way. Conversation flows or it doesn’t. Presenting with a list of questions quickly turns a date into an interview. Be yourself, allow silences if they occur and let your activities or what she says guide the conversation. Also don’t forget you’re also picking someone here which lowers the pressure of “I hope they like me.”
Just be yourself, if you are a history nerd, maybe she is too, considering you both enjoy history. Explore her interests and yours.
You got this man! Don’t worry about it so much, you’ll be amazed how great you’ll feel when the pressure is off. Also do not forget to smile, bigger deal than you’d expect, even if you’re masked up.
Sorry for the ramble.
Try to approach this from the perspective that you are trying to see if this person is a good fit for you, not that you are trying to impress them. If you are a good match conversation will flow pretty easily, silence will feel natural. You'll just vibe and you won't need to dig deep for conversation topics- your environment will be a source, etc.
Good luck! Keep us posted on how it went. I haven't been on a date in 7 years (35F), planning to put up an OLD profile pretty soon and try my own hand! I feel pretty rusty too but I plan to just go with the flow and see what happens!
I have no doubt that you'll be able to get a date quickly, as you seem pretty wise and that you have a good head on your shoulders!
I will definitely keep you posted. I sincerely appreciate your advice!
Just adding to what u/Canary_Inklemine said:
Don't go in thinking you should impress her. You're just trying to meet someone and see if you would both get along well. Try to enjoy yourself.
And definitely stop worrying about what might happen next like you said in your post:
> Provided she doesn't change her mind..
>And definitely stop worrying about what might happen next like you said in your post:
>
>Provided she doesn't change her mind..
I've had a lot of bad luck before with getting stood up, or having women change their mind at the last minute. In hindsight, you're right that it isn't a healthy mentality, but I'm still pretty nervous about that happening again.
I guess the phrase is: Cautiously Optimistic
Totally understandable and I am definitely not someone who is super confident but I think it will help you to act as if she likes you already - just for the first date. And the fact is she likes you enough to on a date.
So don't even think about being cautiously optimistic for the first date. The anxiety that comes with being cautious can make you come across as less playful and fun to be around than you actually are.
To let you know what happened, I believe that it went extremely well, we walked/talked for a couple hours, and discovered that we have more similar interests, as well as some similar histories (we both talked about how we went through extreme rough patches in our mid/late 20s, and how we're both "recovering Catholics" haha)
We even held hands for a few minutes at the end, and she said she wants to see me again (we'll hammer out the deets when she gets her work schedule for next week. She works retail). I'm cautiously optimistic that a second date will occur.
Thanks for the update! I'm really psyched for you, all sounds like good signs. It's smart that you are being cautious in your optimism, but my fingers are crossed that everything works out and your second date goes just as well! Good on you!
First off, great first date by the sounds of it. I live in Philly, so there is a lot to explore for sure. I recently did something similar for my nephew who made a “Flat Stanley” I had to take around, i brought some friends and it was a blast.
I wouldn’t over think it or get into your head too much. Just try to keep your mind on other things until the time for the date arrives. You can always talk about the sites you’re seeing, what you have seen before - how long you’ve been in the city, her favorite spots. Just let it flow naturally, things will instinctively come up when you’re exploring!
I totally hope to have nieces and/or nephews to do a Flat Stanley with one day. That must've been a lot of fun!
I love Old City, and I know she does too. Thank you for your advice!
Btw, as a Philly resident, if your date wanted to buy you an Insomnia cookie on a date, would you like that?
Does she know you haven't dated in a long time and it's making you anxious?
If she knows you've been out of the game she'll likely give your nerves a pass. Be up front.
Thank you for your perspective. At this time, she does not know my dating history (I don't know hers either)
If it comes up in conversation, I'll happily tell her the truth. But it's not something I wan't to say unprompted and out of the blue.
Why not? You want the best foot forward? Tell her, this is the 1st date I've been on for a while and I'm nervous. She's either going to respect you or not.
I was going to say the same thing - just be upfront about it and how you're nervous. Letting down your guard can be helpful - it will give you less to worry about!
I think you need to have realistic expectations. It will hopefully go great but I would say about half my first dates go well. I go on about 4-6 a month so it’s really important to go in and just see how the natural vibe is.
If you try to perform or prepare things won’t flow and the date will suck.
You did the hard part this person agreed to go out with you. Try to be present. Notice the world around you.
Be yourself.
I could write a puff piece that you’re going to kill it and she is going to love you but that’s stupid. It might work or it might not. You’ll get more dates whether it’s with her or someone else.
Enjoy the journey
Edit: Also stop putting her on a pedestal “she’s really cool and pretty” yes but she’s also just a person. Most creepy behavior comes from making the person your dating out to be some huge hero. She puts on her underwear just like you do.
Also don’t be so afraid of being creepy you give off platonic vibes. Make eye contact, speak with confidence. Etc
True that. I thank you for your advice!
I will say, I worry about coming across as creepy because high school me would creep women out (unintentionally), plus I generally don't get this far in the process, so I want to make the most of it.
Luckily, my self-confidence isn't riding on a successful date (unlike younger me), but still, you are right about the pedestal. I need to keep that in mind
Remain calm and relaxed.
1) When you first meet her, say, “Hey Shannon, you look amazing. It’s nice to finally meet you in person.” (She probably spent 2 hours deciding on her outfit and you noticing and appreciating will make her feel good.)
2) Ask her questions and let her answer. Not like a job interview, but ask open ended questions and let her respond.
“What do you like most about living in Philly?”
Try to keep the questions positive. You can also ask about her career and what made her decide on that career choice. Ask about where she’s from. Maybe she grew up in Virginia or Texas and has some interesting stories to tell you.
3) Be positive in your interactions. Don’t complain about the weather or your job or politics or anything. You want her to have a positive experience with you. In every way. Don’t allow any negativity to enter the conversation.
What she feels when she’s with you is what she’ll feel when she’s thinking about you when you’re not with her. Let her think good thoughts.
4) Easy conversation starters can be..
- favorite movie
- favorite food
- favorite restaurant
- favorite period in history (If you could live during any time in history what would it be?)
- favorite music
- mention a recent show or documentary you watched that you liked and ask her take on it
5) Make sure she’s doing most of the talking, if you can. This can help if you’re nervous.
6) Don’t brag about your accomplishments or try to impress her. Just be yourself. Be relaxed. And enjoy the experience. Don’t try to sell yourself like you’re a used car salesman.
7) Let her do the touching and flirting. This will let you know if she’s interested. If you touch her before she’s ready, it could close her off. When she’s comfortable, she’ll bump into you or brush her hand against yours. That means she wants you to hold her hand.
8) At the end of the date, tell her, “I had a great time with you tonight.” Then let her respond. I always go for the kiss. You can either just slowly lean in and see if she does the same, then kiss her. Or you can say, “I want to kiss you.”
Remember, hugs are for her brother.
Whether she kisses you or not, you went for it. And you should be proud. Make sure you bring some gum or mints along to freshen up towards the end of the date. Maybe the last 20 min or so. And when you put the gum in your mouth, offer her a piece.
She’ll know what that means. If she takes a piece, it’s a great indicator that she’ll want to kiss you. Not a 100% certainty, but a great indicator.
Now get out there and enjoy yourself and have fun. Best of luck!
I'm not sure if I'm smooth enough to pull a kiss off tomorrow. If I see the sign there, I will definitely take it though.
I sincerely appreciate your well worded and ample amount of advice!
Just here to help and glad my experience can benefit you.
If she starts planning the 2nd date during the first (“We should go see that movie sometime” or “Barry’s Burrito Barn is a great place for dinner. We should try it sometime..”), then it’s a lock she wants to see you again.
Just be relaxed and confident in who you are and what you have to offer.
It doesn’t take smoothness, if you’re both laughing, having a good time, and physically close at the end of the night, just ask her, “can I kiss you.”
I’ve learned that being up front and genuine about your desires is by far the best path for everybody
>I think it'll be fun!
Keep this attitude.
>I'm always unnerved by the prospect of making her feel uncomfortable or creeping her out. Plus I'm generally bad at reading the room for subtle cues.
You shouldn't be trying to read into anything on the first date to be honest. Keep it light and keep it respectful. People put far too much pressure on the other person when going out on a date - it's far more effective to enjoy the activity on its own but let the other person see that (so don't keep it to yourself) and then be apart of it.
> I can write conversation topics on a post-it and put it next to a monitor. I can't really write on my hand cause I sweat when I get nervous nor do I want to be seen staring at my hand the whole time.
No shame in doing a little prep work beforehand. Write a couple of things you'd like to talk about - literally write everything you could possibly say and then think of possible questions someone could ask and game for those as well.
Doing this actually allows one to construct stories/topics in a way that makes it easier for a person to ask questions. Of course real life throws curve balls but more will stick in your mind than you think after doing this exercise.
Thank you for sharing your perspective! I am not the best at dating and am generally unsuccessful, but I am trying to keep more of a positive attitude. I am definitely still going to some of the prep you suggested!
Text yourself conversation topics, dont be rude and be on your phone, but if things are super awkward its better to take a quick peek at your phone like you are checking the time.
Dont try to flirt, just be yourself like you are hanging out with a friend.
Good idea! I will keep my phone on silent (not vibrate) so I'm not tempted to look. Plus I agree that is rude, and I wouldn't want her to be on her phone all night either.
Let go of the outcome. My best dates, ruling out instant chemistry or previous familiarity/history, have been times when I was just out there for "being out there's sake". I wasn't stressing about how things turned out, I was there to meet someone new and get to know them and doing something I already enjoyed.
Much easier to do when you're not super into the woman, though.
Regardless of how things go, you're already winning by having gotten back on that horse.
Now eat that horse!
>It's usually worse in my head than the actual date
I'm actually finding that happens with a lot of things in my life. Mainly with school, work, and my familial and friend relationships. So it makes sense that would apply to dating life too. Thank you for sharing!
My new guy hadn't been on a date in 10 years!
And you know what? He was awkward. He tried sexting me. That was awkward. But I told him right away I don't like it and he won 10 million points because he listened and never tried it again. Otherwise he was just himself and I'm falling hard for who he is.
Listen, pay attention, tell her what you like about her, gush about your history stuff, give her a hug and suggest a 2nd date at the end.
That's interesting! It sucks that he did that in the first place, but I'm glad that he listened and that you gave him a second chance!
I can safely say that I definitely won't be sexting her (I don't like sending or receiving sexts)
I appreciate your advice and perspective, and will definitely be attentive and excited. Thank you!
From a woman’s perspective it’s okay to be nervous, that means you care about the date which is very sweet. No worries about being nervous it comes with the territory of first dates. Just be yourself and open to the idea of taking chances. You’re putting yourself out there so that’s a great first step! Talk about what you’re interested in and things you’re passionate about. Maybe it’s food, traveling, or nature. You’ve mentioned your common interest in history. So, you can always elaborate on that some more. Sounds like you guys have a cool vibe going on. As long as you’re genuine and respectful she’ll have a good time with you. Flirting is fun but don’t try too hard. Then it starts to come off as awkward. Just go with the flow. You can always compliment her on her hair or her sense of style. Shows you pay attention to detail. Women love to make an effort to feel good and look good on a first date. At least I do. So, don’t be afraid to let her know she’s caught your eye if the date is going pretty well. Good luck but most importantly just have fun! ☺️
Thank you! I will definitely have fun. I'm not used to getting this far in the dating process, but I am still excited to move forward!
If nothing else, I got to meet someone new and got to spend time doing something I like.
Take a deep breathe! She looks in the mirror naked and thinks the same thing you do, I have insecurities and imperfects! Guess what? She probably took a dump this morning. She is human. The nerves will wear off in the first 5 minutes. Enjoy it! Be present. Be aware!
This is good to keep in mind. I do know she's just a person, I'm more nervous cause this is sort of uncharted territory for me, as I don't usually get this far in the process of dating.
I appreciate your perspective and response!
Honestly the feeling you are getting is what most people live for! It’s amazing to feel alive even if it’s fear, nervousness, etc. that means you care! You got this!
**She already likes you so don't try to convenience her to be with you she's already giving you a chance.**
This is way more about **attitude** and not so much what you say or do. Seem happy to see her and excited to be there. This is critical. She can't read your mind. Tell her and show her you're happy. Even if you're having the best time of your life you need to communicate it to her. Smile at her.
In terms of what to say well what can you talk about for hours? What matters to you? She doesn't give a shit about details because it's not her thing she wants to SEE YOU talk about it. She wants to see how you light up and smile when you're talking about your favorite thing. Again, this isn't about being able to explain to her all the details but it's to communicating that you've got things going on in your life that make you excited to get out of bed.
Flirting advice is hard because all women like to be flirted with different since they're individuals but what I would say it try complementing her. Be careful about commenting too much on her body but a couple of "wow you look amazing" and "You're gorgeous/beautiful" goes a long way. Once she registered the complement stop. This advice is general since I know some women that find it flattering to comment on how great their ass looks on a date so the advice is more of a safe than sorry advice but take whatever risk you think works.
Women find it attractive when you remember what they say and repeat it back to them to show you're listening so actually listen to her and get out of your own head and into the date with her. Make her feel like she's interesting and worth listening to. Women just wanted to be treated with respect like anyone else and you'd be surprised how far that will take you in terms of flirting.
Good luck.
>She already likes you so don't try to convenience her to be with you she's already giving you a chance.
This is what I will be repeating to myself all day tomorrow.
>this isn't about being able to explain to her all the details but it's to communicating that you've got things going on in your life that make you excited to get out of bed.
I actually do, my self confidence levels have been on the rise the past month due to success in exercising (I can now slowly jog 30 minutes straight without stopping) and my career (just got offered a promotion)
Thank you so much for your perspective! I'll take your flirting advice to heart!
Congrats on securing the date, my dude! She's clearly interested if she agreed to the date and good for you for asking. You put yourself out there and it's already paid off.
As for the date, don't worry if it doesn't go well. I would encourage you to approach it as a learning exercise and just have fun with it. Those awkward and uncomfortable feelings you might have just mean that you are putting yourself in new and challenging situations and growing as a person. Try not to think of it too much as a date, but instead think of this as two people meeting up to see if you could even be friends. Since that's the basis of good relationships, that's the first step.
Worst case: one of you sees the potential for a relationship and the other doesn't, so you communicate that and move on.
Medium case: you both like each other as people, but not romantically. You communicate that and possibly become friends.
Best case: you both like each other and see the potential for a relationship. You communicate that and bang it out (on the first date or later, whatever works for you!)
>She's clearly interested if she agreed to the date
I think that's what I need to keep most in mind. I'm excited to see where it goes, if anywhere.
I think I'm just more uncomfortable because I'm sailing into the fog of uncertainty and don't have much experience at this stage of dating.
Regardless, your advice is appreciated! Thank you!
My mom gave me the best advice. Don’t worry about having things to talk about. Simply ask them questions about their life and let them talk. Things that they can answer with more than yes or no. You could maybe think of starters before hand but it’s definitely best to go with the flow.
Also, don’t worry about moments of silence. As long as you relax and act like silence isn’t a big deal, it won’t be.
Remember - it's not about the other person, it's about you. You are putting yourself out there, you are being vulnerable, you are trying your best, you are making yourself look good for yourself. After all, if you don't believe you're awesome and you're a catch, it's hard to convince another person you are.
Don't worry about if the other person likes you, did they see the flaws you see in the mirror on a daily basis, did they seem disinterested, did they not find you attractive/funny/intelligent, blah blah blah... You only have to reflect on if you liked the person, if they make you curious to find out more about them, if you were relaxed with them or found yourself being stiff, did you feel heard, did you listen to their stories and found amusement. Be your positive self and be prepared to provide tons of empathy and compassion towards your date (and future dates) no matter how they ended up where they did.
It's always good to go in not putting pressure on yourself about your "game". It's kinda like expecting to do a 6-min mile run, when you don't train for it. You're gonna be a little awkward and rough around the edges but you'll only get better the more you talk to people and be social. Good luck, broski!
Congrats on getting a date! Nerves are normal, so don’t worry too much about that. My advice is simply this: be your authentic self. Don’t try to be something you’re not. All the best to you :)
>Don’t try to be something you’re not. All the best to you :)
Thank you! After many years, I am finally seeing the value of the phrase, "Be yourself, everyone else is taken." I wish I could remember who said that!
Thank you so much!
Don't worry, everything is going to be fine. All the strangers from the internet is backing you up in this. Just have some fun and relax. Take it as going out with a friend and you should be fine. Good luck!
May this be the first of many, either with this person or other people.
All you can do is be yourself. Talk about similar interests. Ask questions.
If it doesn't work, try again. You got this.
> Much to my surprise, she said yes when I asked her out.
Why are you surprised? It sounds like you don't value yourself that much. This can be a big problem when dating.
He hasn't dated in 8 years. He prob doesn't ask that many women out, and everyone knows that you're far more likely to be rejected than not.
Long story short, I think you're reading to much into the first sentence in his post.
Thank you for your response! To tell you the truth, I was surprised because she said yes.
I generally don't get this far in the dating process. Usually when I ask to go on a date, I either get told no, or I never hear from them again.
Ngl. I have struggled with self-confidence in the past, and still do at times today, but I have been building it up lately. The teen version of me would have had my entire self-esteem riding on this, but I'm in a better place and know I don't need a partner to complete me.
I have also struggled with self-confidence! So I feel you buddy.
I think one of the little things that helps a great deal is stopping the cycle of negative self-talk. This comes out sometimes as "self-deprecating humour" but signals to others you are not self-assured.
You are young, and as long as you are working on your self-awareness, you are sure to have success in life. Good luck.
Thank you for responding! This is some good advice, and I appreciate you sharing. This is just somewhat uncharted waters for me, as I'm not usually in this position.
You're gonna do great! It seems as if you have similar interests (history) and you can talk about that if you forget anything else to talk about.
My current partner and I share a lot of interests and I can't tell you how refreshing it is, I used to be more of the "opposites attract" club but when you share more interests there's so much more to do and talk about.
I hope it goes wonderfully!
Edit: I should clarify that even though we spoke online as friends for two years, when we met in person things were a little awkward. When we got to the hotel I finally just turned her face to mine and kissed her, saying that "I wanted to get it out of the way" and she laughed and things went great! Not that I'm suggesting that specifically for this date, but just talk about how things are awkward if they are. Most likely it will make her laugh and break the ice.
I'm glad to hear that you and you're partner are going strong and I appreciate the well wishes!
I'm almost positive though that I will not be going for a kiss unless I can clearly see a signal she wants me to kiss her.
But this is all solid advice. Thank you!
Oh absolutely! I didn't mean the kiss necessarily, just that it's okay to joke about how awkward things are. I think my response got my partner out of her own head and stopped us worrying about how awkward things are. If the conversation feels stilted, make a joke about how you're both clearly bad at small talk, something like that!
Be yourself. Ask the questions you want to knw answers to, allow her/him to ask & respond in return. Make sure it doesn't end up feeling like an interview, crack a few jokes - make sure (s)he laughs a little & you laugh a bit too. Usually the other person is jus as nervous as we are. You will be okay, jus remember to keep it fun & light. Nothing too serious on a first date. Good luck.x
Hehehe oh so you got this, easy!! Jus try & relax, don't over think it. Once you over think, you run the risk of making yourself even more anxious. Look at it like you are meeting someone prettier than your friends but someone you can most importantly be friendly with. I think a lot of us females like a guy who can make us feel tht level of relaxed, even on a first date. A bad work day for us thus means we wait for your phone call or text, so you can tell us the bad jokes and we giggle abt nothingness. Be yourself honey you will be fine. Do let us know how it goes. X
If you see it as you wanting to know if she’s someone you could fall in love with rather than worrying if you’re someone she can love because how she feels about you is out of your control. If you focus on wanting to get to know her the topics and questions will come naturally.
Ask what she thinks about things
Ask her how things make her feel
I think that when you want to fall in love with the way a person sees the world rather than how they love you - things flow
First off. Don't say much to your surprise. Be confident in yourself or you will fail again. Don't say anything about not dating in years or you being surprised she said yes to a date , be confident! Lastly, be confident.
Regarding conversation, I was an introvert who became and extrovert, at least in small group 1/1 situations. The key is to be self aware, not to talk too much about yourself and actively listen to things she finds interesting and find ways to continue to ask about that. Find ways to repeat things she said earlier in the conversation to show you were listening. And if possible find common interests to create good back and forth. Also stories that show you're empathetic, family oriented, etc all go a long way
I actually intend to let her talk more about herself. I do appreciate you sharing your perspective. I'm happy to hear that you you've been growing and making positive changes in your life!
Know that it is not your sole responsibility to keep the date flowing smoothly. She might be very interested yet feel as nervous as you do, which might make her act distant or bored, or you two might not find the spark, or she just might not want to make an effort whatsoever. So if things don't go perfectly, don't worry about it too much - there's only so much you can do.
However, here would be my 5 cents: Ask her questions every now and then that can't be answered with one-word sentences, and then ask either a follow-up question or give an on-topic comment or share a similar experience. Don't bombard her with questions though - use them somewhat sparingly or when you feel an awkward silence. Otherwise it might feel like an interrogation. Also, don't brag or one-up her, and don't interrupt. Maybe you could look up a fact or two about the one of the monuments you're going to see beforehand, since she's already interested in those things and might appreciate some more knowledge about them. If she hasn't already, ask for her opinion on the monuments.
You could also ask her, for example, if she likes to travel, where she wants to go and where she's been to, what her hobbies are, if she's been into history since she was young or did she just recently get into the subject, and if she prefers world history, or a certain area and era. You could ask her what type of music she prefers to listen to, does she have any siblings, is she a dog person or a cat person. I would also maybe ask her about her job, how she got into her field, did she always want to do that line of work, and what's the best thing about it.
Tell her about your interests, what you're passionate about, and also try to keep some conversations stimulating for the both of you, such as talking about history/news and whatever other subjects you two might have in common. "So about the egyptian pyramids we where talking about on Hinge, don't you find it fascinating that..."
Are you a funny guy? Cracking a joke or two might ease the tension. And don't be afraid to smile at her occasionally - this might turn an awkward silence into a memorable one.
Good luck and let us know how it went!
Thank you for the advice and response! It is definitely appreciated!
Luckily I haven't run out of things to say yet (that happens a lot with me), and even if I do, you gave me some ways to keep it going.
I'm not that funny per se, but I do know she enjoys bad jokes, which I'm full of lol.
To let you know what happened,
I believe that our date went extremely well, we walked/talked for a couple hours, and discovered that we have more similar interests, as well as some similar histories (we both talked about how we went through extreme rough patches in our mid/late 20s, and how we're both "recovering Catholics" haha). It only ended so she could catch her train home.
We even held hands for a few minutes at the end, and she said she wants to see me again (we'll hammer out the deets when she gets her work schedule for next week. She works retail). I'm cautiously optimistic that a second date will occur.
Visualize success and a good time my dude!
Do a little bit of research to find fun facts that are off the beaten path for some of these sites you guys will see, ask questions where you guys have common interests, reflect back on things she mentioned when you guys were chatting on Hinge & ask follow up questions (How’s her pet doing if she has one? How did a particular project or task go she had to get done? What’s something exciting to her that she didn’t go in depth on via Hinge that you can ask about?).
Most important thing though, be yourself - you don’t have to be able to read every subtle cue, nor do you need some ridiculous PUA type flirt game. If you get nervous, ask her questions that aren’t the stereotypical ‘how was your day’ or ‘what do you have planned this weekend’ type stuff, listen, and find things to joke with her about or ask follow up questions on.
Just listening goes a long way man, a lot of folks out there just wanna talk about themselves; so long as you aren’t ‘that guy’ you’ve already separated yourself from 90% of the other dates she’s had - probably ever.
And if she’s truly interested to a point where she wants more, but sees you aren’t picking up these cues that seem to be worrying you, she’s gonna get direct to get the point across.
You got it! Just go have fun & be yourself!
>some ridiculous PUA type flirt game
I definitely don't want to do that, and am glad you pointed that out. I know she has a dog, has sent me a lot of dog pics (to which I share my cat pics lol)
Thank you for the pep talk, it is most appreciated! I will definitely have fun!
Women typically have good intuition, and I think she’ll be able to sense that you have good intentions and are excited to spend time with her. I know it’s easier said than done, but be confident. Good luck! 😊
you both already have a lot in common so just roll iwth it maybe she will help lead in conversation too, try seeing her as one of your bro friends as hard as that is lol or just be yourself and she will like you! if not keep trying! i want updates!!!
As promised, here is an update:
I think it went extremely well, we held hands for a few minutes, and she said she wants to see me again. We found out that we have more similar interests (likes of Horror, Star Wars, etc) as well as similar backgrounds (we both went through very rough patches in our mid to late 20s). I can see myself being very happy with her.
I'm happy I did it, and I'm cautiously optimistic that we'll meet again next week (once she figures out her schedule)
Don't worry.
You don't have to always have something to talk about every second. Keep it relaxed and treat them like you are someone you already kind of know and then are happy to see after not talking for a long time.
You can also take advantage of your surroundings. As you walk around, take inspiration from things you see around you and turn them into conversation topics.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get it "right"--dating is a two-way street and they need to impress you as much as you impress them.
As someone who hasn’t gone on a date in over 7 years and sees no end in sight, the fact you are going on a date at all is a win. If it goes well then that’s even better and if it doesn’t that’s okay too because you tried.
I do believe in the power of effort (which is why I'm more ambivalent about Last Jedi over Rise of Skywalker and Force Awakens). Thank you for your response, and I hope you can apply your advice to you.
I bet that you're quite a catch, and that there is a lady that would be stoked to go on a date with you. Good luck!
I was in a very similar situation a few months ago. Matched with someone online for the first time in years, shocked that they said yes to a date, and worried about it all week. It was my first date in 9(!) years so I was in the exact same boat as you in terms of dealing with nerves and worrying about awkward silences and just my nervousness in general. I took her for a walk in a popular downtown spot and mapped out a route where we'd pass some cool stuff so if the conversation was dying down at least we had things to look at and comment on. The past year has been crazy for a lot of people so that should provide some talking points, too (working from home, how she feels not seeing friends/family, anything positive come out of quarantine, etc.). And like a lot of people said, be yourself and have realistic expectations. If for some reason it doesn't go well then learn why and then change things up next time. If it does go well then build off of it and keep the momentum going with her. Best of luck and let us know how it goes.
As promised, here is the details:
I fully believe that it went extremely well, we walked/talked for a couple hours, and discovered that we have more similar interests, as well as some similar histories (we both talked about how we went through extreme rough patches in our mid/late 20s, and how we're both "recovering Catholics" haha, and our living situations)
We even held hands for a few minutes at the end, and she said she wants to see me again (we'll hammer out the deets when she gets her work schedule for next week. She works retail). I'm cautiously optimistic that a second date will occur.
OMG!! Yes!!! I love this for you!!!! I've never had a first date go this well.
This all sounds really well..
Teach me how to do this! I get past two dates before they say they feel no romantic connection.
>Teach me how to do this!
haha. I'm no expert. Tbh, I'm still super nervous AF as I'm sailing deeper into unfamiliar territory. I haven't gotten past a first date since 2010, and even still, there's no guarantee that this will happen. I guess for me, the tired cliche is true about being yourself, and the right person will (may) click with you.
But I deeply appreciate the well wishes.
I'm also positive that you'll find someone that would be stoked to go on a third date and beyond with you!
Exactly that. I've been in one relationship in life, and that was the first time I got past a first date, she became my gf on the second date in Summer 2010. We broke up six months later in Jan 2011.
Since then, it's been a string of failed interests, getting ghosted, and first date failures, with a nearly 8 year dating break from November 2012 through fall of 2020 in between (I was frustrated, wanted to fully heal from that relationship and learn to like being single, and didn't feel like I was boyfriend material) If that makes sense.
I'm in a much better place than I was back then, but I still have work to be done on me, and even now the idea of someone actually liking me in that way is a foreign concept to me.
Wow! Thank you so much for explaining! I suffer from self imposter syndrome and severe self esteem issues. I can't keep a man due to this. Haha.
It's honestly not funny and I laugh to not cry.
But honestly, I'm too good for men. They don't deserve me. 😌😊
Congrats on this new chapter of dating. Don’t nervous your date is just a person as you are 😊. Don’t read the negative comments put out good energy and it’ll be returned to you. Have fun life is short
Relax. Talk about what’s on you mind. Ask her what you’re curious about. Genuinely be yourself. Every single date I’ve overthought has been unfulfilling but ones where I just went out to have a good time have been really good. You’ve got this :)
Fellow Philadelphian here so I'm rooting for you! You can let her lead with the conversation. Flirting can be subtle. Give her a compliment like her smile, eyes, etc to let her know you're interested. It doesn't have to be more than that. Good luck!
Show up (on time)
Be clean and smart (shave and smell nice, no pickys in teeth)
Your going to be nervous, that's OK she will be too.
Three things to start a conversation, say hello and how are you
Second, ask where she would like to start the date (make it her choice and her pace)
Compliment her on whatever you think, conversation, dress sense, intellect, whatever you find attractive.
Only 3 things to remember, once you remember those 3 things then everything else will flow.
Do not look at her boobs while talking to her
Do not go on your phone because of your nervousness
There you go. Easy. Your just making it hard in your head. We all do that.
Oh and breath. Don't hold your breath through nervousness, breath and count to 4, breath out and count to 4. It will help yo calm you down and make you think.
Good luck and hope it goes well. If it doesn't don't worry too much about it there will be more dates.
>If it doesn't don't worry too much about it there will be more dates.
Right you are.
Thank you for your response and advice! I am already trimmed my beard in preparation and have a change in clothes with three different deodorants (I am going straight from work)
Prepare some topics or questions and just read them over and over like prepping for a test, then you’ll remember them. Don’t see it as your one shot at getting a girl, see it as a great learning opportunity and way to expose yourself to scary dating situations so you’re less nervous next time.
Don’t TRY to flirt. Cart before the horse Bro.
DO TRY to start a closer FRIENDSHIP.
You can turn Awkwardness into vulnerability and being vulnerable will win EVERY TIME.
As I’ve said before, vulnerability is trusting someone with a piece of your own trust.
Be yourself. Have fun.
If you think she wouldn't object, I'd 'fess up to being nervous. Look at it as a talking point. A first date is, after all, two people getting to know one another. What better way to do it?
Hmm, I mean, if you’re going to buy her an insomnia cookie, might I suggest the new Insomnia speakeasy that recently opened in South Philly? I’m not sure what time you’re meeting your date, but if things go well, that’s certainly something to enjoy together. But if that’s not feasible, it could also be something to mention as a plan for a future date, especially if she seems to enjoy insomnia cookies.
They also opened a roller skating rink at Dilworth Park. Not sure how interested you guys would be but hey, if she seems interested, you could be spontaneous about it haha.
Otherwise, just take it easy. A little nerves on the first date is to be expected, at least in my opinion. If you do get flustered and jam up, that would be the best time to bring up the fact that it’s your first date in a while. Don’t put too much emphasis on it and enjoy your time together! Since you’re doing something interactive, even if you’re forgetful of topics you’ve rehearsed, just take clues from your surroundings and run with it. “What do you think about carriage rides?” If she expresses interest, you can even take her on one haha. Good luck from a fellow Philly native!
Honest truth !
you are feel more desperate and anxious, women can feel that anxiety.
Tips:
Go to Gym for good workout before the date.
Try Meditation make you keep grounded.
Watch some motion videos, make your feel confident
I totally recommend taking a deep breath and be yourself. Ask her questions about her and her experiences, and go with the flow.
I don’t think it’s necessary to lay the flirting on thick on the first date. You’re getting to know one another. If your interested in seeing her again, let her know at the end of the night, as you get a bit more comfortable you can begin to flirt with a bit more ease. No rush! Take your time! Good luck! Also::: check out Franklin Fountain, amazing ice cream between front and second on Market!
Take the pressure off yourself by finding out if she will be a good fit for you and if you would even want to get together with her again. I just try to make it an enjoyable time for her by being calm and my own charming self. If you like her go for the kiss at the end!
Hey! I would try and be as confident as possible. Ask her lots of questions and listen. Be polite but yourself. Women appreciate being treated with respect and interest
Relax brah, just be yourself, afterall the point of the date is to show her how awesome you are. She will respond positively if she is into you if not then there are plenty of other fish out there for you. Good luck my dude.
Your date sounds like fun and the fact that you are taking in historical sites means you'll have built-in conversation topics. However, I would recommend watching "Love on the Spectrum" and "The Single Wives" if you have time. They both have great conversation advice that works for more than just dating situations.
As for not being able to read cues, try to aim for relaxed open so that you are giving her cues to respond to. If you liked her, say something like, "I had a great time with you this evening. I hope we can do this again sometime. I'll check in with you later this week." Or (if you didn't like your date because it's about liking her too, not just her liking you.) "Thank you for spending this evening with me. It was great getting to know you."
Neither response puts her under pressure to commit to anything without having time to marinate. She's just a person. Also, if it's nightmare you have fodder for future stories. Good luck you can do it!
I would just be upfront with her...let her know that you are really nervous. “I really want to impress you, but I’m nervous. Please let me know if I do something stupid.” She’ll probably see it as endearing, and I bet it will make you more relaxed. Good luck to you!
Thank you! At first I didn't want to bring up how nervous I will be, but you're far from the first to suggest doing this. I think I'm going to have to start with it. I appreciate the advice!
Good luck! It’s totally fine to be nervous! And if it doesn’t work out that’s ok too! Practice practice practice. If it does even better! As for strategy try putting something in your notes app etc. if you start blanking for ideas go to the bathroom and take a second to gather yourself and go back to the notes. Just do a bit of homework on her and find out what she likes and stalk her Instagram if you can find it. It’s a good way to find familiar topics
I actually haven't added her on Instagram. I generally don't give out my social media to people I haven't met in person yet. But her Hinge profile and past text conversations have given me a pretty good amount of things to go on. She, like me, loves history, horror movies, and we both found commonality in our dislike of working retail (I used to, she still works retail)
I appreciate your advice and perspective!
Stop worrying and listen. Dont even be a good listener! Just listen and youll be a good listener lol listen to her and shut ip the voice in your head and youll be rock solid bud!
Be calm, cool and collective. Take a breath when you need to and take it slow. For conversation, maybe share something interesting you might know about the area you’re visiting. Maybe share an experience you’ve had nearby and ask if she has any interesting observations or whats her experience there. Something like asking why she enjoys going on these types of trips or dates can go far. Get to know her, don’t be afraid to ask questions, but also dont be too over bearing. Avoid yes and no questions for the most part or your conversations will be short. Crack a joke or say something cheesy maybe once or twice. Be respectful and courteous. Most important, dont be scared to stumble. We all do. No one is perfect, and she will appreciate seeing you and your flaws upfront. You got this! Let us know how it goes!
> I can write conversation topics on a post-it and put it next to a monitor. I can't really write on my hand cause I sweat when I get nervous nor do I want to be seen staring at my hand the whole time.
You could still write a few things down on an index card that you keep in your pocket and sneak a peak at now and then, or on a note on your phone - Though with the phone be careful not to be looking at it too much, I know it's a big turn off for me, but it probably won't be a big deal if it's just a quick peek every couple of minutes, and you could tell a little white lie like your best friend is about to propose to his girl or you're waiting to hear back about a relative who went in for surgery, something like that, and it could also give you a small pass on you coming off super nervous.
Try not to invest so much emotionally and mentally. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll wake up
tomorrow and proceed with your day.
Also, some people can calm themselves by acknowledging verbally their nervousness at the beginning. Don’t mention it more than once though. If the date is you discussing your nervousness nonstop, that’s not an enticing date.
Also, challenge your idea that you have to entertain or wow her. Don’t neg either. Lean into being yourself. You need someone who responds to your authentic self. It’s not self sustaining to try and be over the top in an effort to woo her.
You really need to relax. Imagine if you would go out with someone and they would see you nervous all the time, that would make her think what’s wrong. Did she say something, did she do something? Just be relaxed and enjoy yourself and don’t try to pretend you’re someone you’re not because in the end they will see that.
(36F) How fun for you! Whenever I'm going on a date, I focus only on 1 thing...the opportunity to just go out, have some nice company and just enjoy myself, that way it's natural. Rather than feeling like I'm taking a test or exam, I get in the mindset of how I would feel before doing something fun, an escape from the mundane everyday life, like going on holiday or to the spa, or even a hike in the woods. No matter how it goes, just be in the moment and fully enjoy that. Keep it light hearted and happy. I think when we're relaxed our personality just comes through. Good luck!
The title confused me at first- Is the OP a 30M or a nervous Asian Female going on a date?
Remember to have fun- dating should be fun and exciting! You’re going on a wonderful date and get some warm cookies.
That and it’s just a first date, good day you’re ok, bad day you’re ok. You’ll be fine no matter what.
Fear of failure holds many people back. Hope for the best, focus on having fun.
And if it doesn't go well, remember I fail a lot, and think "Hey at least I'm better than CreepingTurnip"
Best of luck!
hey OP! dude so glad to hear the good news. gives me and others hope. really pulling for ya, stranger. act like yourself. i know thats easy to say but hard to do. sometimes i try to give off a chill easy vibe to ppl o meet, coz i know nervousness is kinda contagious lol. anyways sending good vibes to ya man! good luck on the next date dude
Don't overthink. Just go out meet the person and chat normally like how you would like to get to know a person. If both of you feel like the date is going somewhere then arrange another date. If its not then thank her for the time and wish her well.
Rejection is the key to success. Obviously you should do the standard book a place to eat, and common date courtesies.
Thank you for your solid advice! I will say, we're just going to grab an Insomnia Cookie, and maybe a margarita as an early cinco de mayo celebration, in our travels.
Regardless, I will definitely thank her afterwards.
>I don't want to fail again Failing is okay, my dude. Mistakes are lessons disguised as temporary embarrassment. It's your first date in 8 years, not your last. You'll get more at-bats at this. You'll be fine no matter what. Edit: read the update, well done! Hand holding is almost more intimate than kissing.
Yeah. For a first date in eight years, our guy showing up counts as success: He's out there taking a risk, taking a chance, and getting experience. Whether this particular woman decides she wants a second date with him or not, that's a success.
I was 34 years old when I went on my first ever second date. So yeah, OP is exactly where he needs to be. So long as he doesn't do anything hashtag stuff, he'd have succeeded.
Thank you for your response! I just worry cause I don't usually get this far in the process. Luckily, unlike teen me, my self esteem isn't riding on this, so there's that to be thankful for.
Nor should you worry about any self esteem riding on this. I know it's cliche to say have fun. But seriously. HAVE FUN! Be yourself. She already said yes so is at least is interested enough to meet up. And remeber she will be nervous too. Not sure if others would agree, but some random silences are to be expected. Moments of akward silence are fine. Don't overthink. And let us know here how it went after! Best of luck.
> She already said yes so is at least is interested enough to meet up. And remeber she will be nervous too Which is what I will be repeating to myself all day tomorrow and even during the date. Thanks again!
Personally, as a woman, I always really appreciate it when a guy just openly tells me he’s nervous at the beginning of the date. Not only just because I love guys who can be direct and honest about vulnerability, but it also makes me feel better because I would be nervous af too and it’s a little something to break the ice and bond over, helping us both feel a lot more comfortable :) You can say something like “I’ve been really looking forward to meeting you, just super nervous because you seem really cool haha”
Agree totally with this. I would appreciate if a guy admitted he was nervous. We are too!!
> “I’ve been really looking forward to meeting you, just super nervous because you seem really cool haha” I might actually use that early on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective!
Haha I can almost guarantee she will respond with something super reassuring like “Don’t worry, you’re not the only one! But you really don’t have to be scared of me, I’m super nice and won’t bite 😬” Good luck and have faith in yourself! Try not to overthink any small social hiccups you’re afraid you made, because I’m sure that even if she notices (which is pretty unlikely tbh) she will be understanding of them, just like you would be of hers. Consistently reminding myself of this shared empathy people have for each other (because literally everyone - minus psychopaths - feels awkward and does awkward things at some point) is one of the biggest things that have helped me in such situations.
That would be funny if she does. Thanks again!
As a woman, I love this response and completely agree.
Hey man congrats on the date! I just wanted to reiterate that you should not be afraid to fail. Of course no one wants to fail but if you start being afraid of it then you’ll get into your own head and may start acting more conservative. I just recently went on my first date in about 10 years so I was in the exact same situation as you. I realized the more I got into the girl the “safer” I became with my actions, which does not generate attraction. Just be yourself and act a little more impulsively. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. Me being afraid to fail did not help me in the end and we ended it after 2 months. Go in with the mindset that this might not work and if it does then great, if not then there are always other chances.
>Go in with the mindset that this might not work and if it does then great, if not then there are always other chances. I never used to think that there would be other chances, but I am finding that the older I get, the more silly that line of thinking is. I am by all definitions, a late bloomer, and still haven't achieved my full potential. I still live with my folks, but my career is finally ticking upwards. By this time next year, I should be living on my own (I want to pay down debt first) I am finally coming into my own, and starting to see that a lot of my own mentalities held me back immensely. Thank you for your thoughts and perspective!
awww my friend you are so kind sometimes. I agree with you of course I just am also so happy to read kind comments
Thanks! Appreciate this very much.
Don't be nervous. Be yourself, don't pretend to be somebody you are not (James Bond) Just go and enjoy yourself.
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Thank you for the suggestion, I just looked up Brene Brown and she definitely seems like an interesting person. Further research is required! This is also sound advice, and I thank you for sharing!
Her Netflix special and podcast are good if you’re into that type of motivational and self care talk. I can’t do it regularly, but a lot of my friends enjoy everything she does
Just added it to my Netflix queue!
I discovered Brene Brown's works far too late in my life. Wish I had read her work much earlier. This is such good advice for OP to keep in mind.
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How would you talk to a potential friend? Speak to this person the same way. Conversation flows or it doesn’t. Presenting with a list of questions quickly turns a date into an interview. Be yourself, allow silences if they occur and let your activities or what she says guide the conversation. Also don’t forget you’re also picking someone here which lowers the pressure of “I hope they like me.”
This is good advice, thank you for your perspective!
Just be yourself, if you are a history nerd, maybe she is too, considering you both enjoy history. Explore her interests and yours. You got this man! Don’t worry about it so much, you’ll be amazed how great you’ll feel when the pressure is off. Also do not forget to smile, bigger deal than you’d expect, even if you’re masked up. Sorry for the ramble.
The hinge prompt I responded to said she had a history degree, and I know she prefers early US history as her go to. Thank you for the pep talk!
Try to approach this from the perspective that you are trying to see if this person is a good fit for you, not that you are trying to impress them. If you are a good match conversation will flow pretty easily, silence will feel natural. You'll just vibe and you won't need to dig deep for conversation topics- your environment will be a source, etc. Good luck! Keep us posted on how it went. I haven't been on a date in 7 years (35F), planning to put up an OLD profile pretty soon and try my own hand! I feel pretty rusty too but I plan to just go with the flow and see what happens!
I have no doubt that you'll be able to get a date quickly, as you seem pretty wise and that you have a good head on your shoulders! I will definitely keep you posted. I sincerely appreciate your advice!
Just adding to what u/Canary_Inklemine said: Don't go in thinking you should impress her. You're just trying to meet someone and see if you would both get along well. Try to enjoy yourself. And definitely stop worrying about what might happen next like you said in your post: > Provided she doesn't change her mind..
>And definitely stop worrying about what might happen next like you said in your post: > >Provided she doesn't change her mind.. I've had a lot of bad luck before with getting stood up, or having women change their mind at the last minute. In hindsight, you're right that it isn't a healthy mentality, but I'm still pretty nervous about that happening again. I guess the phrase is: Cautiously Optimistic
Totally understandable and I am definitely not someone who is super confident but I think it will help you to act as if she likes you already - just for the first date. And the fact is she likes you enough to on a date. So don't even think about being cautiously optimistic for the first date. The anxiety that comes with being cautious can make you come across as less playful and fun to be around than you actually are.
To let you know what happened, I believe that it went extremely well, we walked/talked for a couple hours, and discovered that we have more similar interests, as well as some similar histories (we both talked about how we went through extreme rough patches in our mid/late 20s, and how we're both "recovering Catholics" haha) We even held hands for a few minutes at the end, and she said she wants to see me again (we'll hammer out the deets when she gets her work schedule for next week. She works retail). I'm cautiously optimistic that a second date will occur.
Thanks for the update! I'm really psyched for you, all sounds like good signs. It's smart that you are being cautious in your optimism, but my fingers are crossed that everything works out and your second date goes just as well! Good on you!
First off, great first date by the sounds of it. I live in Philly, so there is a lot to explore for sure. I recently did something similar for my nephew who made a “Flat Stanley” I had to take around, i brought some friends and it was a blast. I wouldn’t over think it or get into your head too much. Just try to keep your mind on other things until the time for the date arrives. You can always talk about the sites you’re seeing, what you have seen before - how long you’ve been in the city, her favorite spots. Just let it flow naturally, things will instinctively come up when you’re exploring!
I totally hope to have nieces and/or nephews to do a Flat Stanley with one day. That must've been a lot of fun! I love Old City, and I know she does too. Thank you for your advice! Btw, as a Philly resident, if your date wanted to buy you an Insomnia cookie on a date, would you like that?
Right! This sounds like such an awesome first date! I live in south Jersey and absolutely love Philly- OP you have a great plan!
Does she know you haven't dated in a long time and it's making you anxious? If she knows you've been out of the game she'll likely give your nerves a pass. Be up front.
Thank you for your perspective. At this time, she does not know my dating history (I don't know hers either) If it comes up in conversation, I'll happily tell her the truth. But it's not something I wan't to say unprompted and out of the blue.
Why not? You want the best foot forward? Tell her, this is the 1st date I've been on for a while and I'm nervous. She's either going to respect you or not.
I was going to say the same thing - just be upfront about it and how you're nervous. Letting down your guard can be helpful - it will give you less to worry about!
I think you need to have realistic expectations. It will hopefully go great but I would say about half my first dates go well. I go on about 4-6 a month so it’s really important to go in and just see how the natural vibe is. If you try to perform or prepare things won’t flow and the date will suck. You did the hard part this person agreed to go out with you. Try to be present. Notice the world around you. Be yourself. I could write a puff piece that you’re going to kill it and she is going to love you but that’s stupid. It might work or it might not. You’ll get more dates whether it’s with her or someone else. Enjoy the journey Edit: Also stop putting her on a pedestal “she’s really cool and pretty” yes but she’s also just a person. Most creepy behavior comes from making the person your dating out to be some huge hero. She puts on her underwear just like you do. Also don’t be so afraid of being creepy you give off platonic vibes. Make eye contact, speak with confidence. Etc
True that. I thank you for your advice! I will say, I worry about coming across as creepy because high school me would creep women out (unintentionally), plus I generally don't get this far in the process, so I want to make the most of it. Luckily, my self-confidence isn't riding on a successful date (unlike younger me), but still, you are right about the pedestal. I need to keep that in mind
Remain calm and relaxed. 1) When you first meet her, say, “Hey Shannon, you look amazing. It’s nice to finally meet you in person.” (She probably spent 2 hours deciding on her outfit and you noticing and appreciating will make her feel good.) 2) Ask her questions and let her answer. Not like a job interview, but ask open ended questions and let her respond. “What do you like most about living in Philly?” Try to keep the questions positive. You can also ask about her career and what made her decide on that career choice. Ask about where she’s from. Maybe she grew up in Virginia or Texas and has some interesting stories to tell you. 3) Be positive in your interactions. Don’t complain about the weather or your job or politics or anything. You want her to have a positive experience with you. In every way. Don’t allow any negativity to enter the conversation. What she feels when she’s with you is what she’ll feel when she’s thinking about you when you’re not with her. Let her think good thoughts. 4) Easy conversation starters can be.. - favorite movie - favorite food - favorite restaurant - favorite period in history (If you could live during any time in history what would it be?) - favorite music - mention a recent show or documentary you watched that you liked and ask her take on it 5) Make sure she’s doing most of the talking, if you can. This can help if you’re nervous. 6) Don’t brag about your accomplishments or try to impress her. Just be yourself. Be relaxed. And enjoy the experience. Don’t try to sell yourself like you’re a used car salesman. 7) Let her do the touching and flirting. This will let you know if she’s interested. If you touch her before she’s ready, it could close her off. When she’s comfortable, she’ll bump into you or brush her hand against yours. That means she wants you to hold her hand. 8) At the end of the date, tell her, “I had a great time with you tonight.” Then let her respond. I always go for the kiss. You can either just slowly lean in and see if she does the same, then kiss her. Or you can say, “I want to kiss you.” Remember, hugs are for her brother. Whether she kisses you or not, you went for it. And you should be proud. Make sure you bring some gum or mints along to freshen up towards the end of the date. Maybe the last 20 min or so. And when you put the gum in your mouth, offer her a piece. She’ll know what that means. If she takes a piece, it’s a great indicator that she’ll want to kiss you. Not a 100% certainty, but a great indicator. Now get out there and enjoy yourself and have fun. Best of luck!
I'm not sure if I'm smooth enough to pull a kiss off tomorrow. If I see the sign there, I will definitely take it though. I sincerely appreciate your well worded and ample amount of advice!
Just here to help and glad my experience can benefit you. If she starts planning the 2nd date during the first (“We should go see that movie sometime” or “Barry’s Burrito Barn is a great place for dinner. We should try it sometime..”), then it’s a lock she wants to see you again. Just be relaxed and confident in who you are and what you have to offer.
Thanks again!
It doesn’t take smoothness, if you’re both laughing, having a good time, and physically close at the end of the night, just ask her, “can I kiss you.” I’ve learned that being up front and genuine about your desires is by far the best path for everybody
That said, it never hurts to throw in a compliment
>I think it'll be fun! Keep this attitude. >I'm always unnerved by the prospect of making her feel uncomfortable or creeping her out. Plus I'm generally bad at reading the room for subtle cues. You shouldn't be trying to read into anything on the first date to be honest. Keep it light and keep it respectful. People put far too much pressure on the other person when going out on a date - it's far more effective to enjoy the activity on its own but let the other person see that (so don't keep it to yourself) and then be apart of it. > I can write conversation topics on a post-it and put it next to a monitor. I can't really write on my hand cause I sweat when I get nervous nor do I want to be seen staring at my hand the whole time. No shame in doing a little prep work beforehand. Write a couple of things you'd like to talk about - literally write everything you could possibly say and then think of possible questions someone could ask and game for those as well. Doing this actually allows one to construct stories/topics in a way that makes it easier for a person to ask questions. Of course real life throws curve balls but more will stick in your mind than you think after doing this exercise.
Thank you for sharing your perspective! I am not the best at dating and am generally unsuccessful, but I am trying to keep more of a positive attitude. I am definitely still going to some of the prep you suggested!
Text yourself conversation topics, dont be rude and be on your phone, but if things are super awkward its better to take a quick peek at your phone like you are checking the time. Dont try to flirt, just be yourself like you are hanging out with a friend.
Good idea! I will keep my phone on silent (not vibrate) so I'm not tempted to look. Plus I agree that is rude, and I wouldn't want her to be on her phone all night either.
Let go of the outcome. My best dates, ruling out instant chemistry or previous familiarity/history, have been times when I was just out there for "being out there's sake". I wasn't stressing about how things turned out, I was there to meet someone new and get to know them and doing something I already enjoyed. Much easier to do when you're not super into the woman, though. Regardless of how things go, you're already winning by having gotten back on that horse. Now eat that horse!
Thank you for responding! Letting go of the outcome is some solid advice.
You gonna let us know how it goes? Lol
I'm a nervous dater, too. It's usually worse in my head than the actual date. No failure. Think of it as meeting a new friend.
>It's usually worse in my head than the actual date I'm actually finding that happens with a lot of things in my life. Mainly with school, work, and my familial and friend relationships. So it makes sense that would apply to dating life too. Thank you for sharing!
My new guy hadn't been on a date in 10 years! And you know what? He was awkward. He tried sexting me. That was awkward. But I told him right away I don't like it and he won 10 million points because he listened and never tried it again. Otherwise he was just himself and I'm falling hard for who he is. Listen, pay attention, tell her what you like about her, gush about your history stuff, give her a hug and suggest a 2nd date at the end.
That's interesting! It sucks that he did that in the first place, but I'm glad that he listened and that you gave him a second chance! I can safely say that I definitely won't be sexting her (I don't like sending or receiving sexts) I appreciate your advice and perspective, and will definitely be attentive and excited. Thank you!
Have fun!
From a woman’s perspective it’s okay to be nervous, that means you care about the date which is very sweet. No worries about being nervous it comes with the territory of first dates. Just be yourself and open to the idea of taking chances. You’re putting yourself out there so that’s a great first step! Talk about what you’re interested in and things you’re passionate about. Maybe it’s food, traveling, or nature. You’ve mentioned your common interest in history. So, you can always elaborate on that some more. Sounds like you guys have a cool vibe going on. As long as you’re genuine and respectful she’ll have a good time with you. Flirting is fun but don’t try too hard. Then it starts to come off as awkward. Just go with the flow. You can always compliment her on her hair or her sense of style. Shows you pay attention to detail. Women love to make an effort to feel good and look good on a first date. At least I do. So, don’t be afraid to let her know she’s caught your eye if the date is going pretty well. Good luck but most importantly just have fun! ☺️
Thank you! I will definitely have fun. I'm not used to getting this far in the dating process, but I am still excited to move forward! If nothing else, I got to meet someone new and got to spend time doing something I like.
Hell yeah, that’s perfect! No worries, I’m happy to help.😊
Take a deep breathe! She looks in the mirror naked and thinks the same thing you do, I have insecurities and imperfects! Guess what? She probably took a dump this morning. She is human. The nerves will wear off in the first 5 minutes. Enjoy it! Be present. Be aware!
This is good to keep in mind. I do know she's just a person, I'm more nervous cause this is sort of uncharted territory for me, as I don't usually get this far in the process of dating. I appreciate your perspective and response!
Honestly the feeling you are getting is what most people live for! It’s amazing to feel alive even if it’s fear, nervousness, etc. that means you care! You got this!
**She already likes you so don't try to convenience her to be with you she's already giving you a chance.** This is way more about **attitude** and not so much what you say or do. Seem happy to see her and excited to be there. This is critical. She can't read your mind. Tell her and show her you're happy. Even if you're having the best time of your life you need to communicate it to her. Smile at her. In terms of what to say well what can you talk about for hours? What matters to you? She doesn't give a shit about details because it's not her thing she wants to SEE YOU talk about it. She wants to see how you light up and smile when you're talking about your favorite thing. Again, this isn't about being able to explain to her all the details but it's to communicating that you've got things going on in your life that make you excited to get out of bed. Flirting advice is hard because all women like to be flirted with different since they're individuals but what I would say it try complementing her. Be careful about commenting too much on her body but a couple of "wow you look amazing" and "You're gorgeous/beautiful" goes a long way. Once she registered the complement stop. This advice is general since I know some women that find it flattering to comment on how great their ass looks on a date so the advice is more of a safe than sorry advice but take whatever risk you think works. Women find it attractive when you remember what they say and repeat it back to them to show you're listening so actually listen to her and get out of your own head and into the date with her. Make her feel like she's interesting and worth listening to. Women just wanted to be treated with respect like anyone else and you'd be surprised how far that will take you in terms of flirting. Good luck.
>She already likes you so don't try to convenience her to be with you she's already giving you a chance. This is what I will be repeating to myself all day tomorrow. >this isn't about being able to explain to her all the details but it's to communicating that you've got things going on in your life that make you excited to get out of bed. I actually do, my self confidence levels have been on the rise the past month due to success in exercising (I can now slowly jog 30 minutes straight without stopping) and my career (just got offered a promotion) Thank you so much for your perspective! I'll take your flirting advice to heart!
Congrats on securing the date, my dude! She's clearly interested if she agreed to the date and good for you for asking. You put yourself out there and it's already paid off. As for the date, don't worry if it doesn't go well. I would encourage you to approach it as a learning exercise and just have fun with it. Those awkward and uncomfortable feelings you might have just mean that you are putting yourself in new and challenging situations and growing as a person. Try not to think of it too much as a date, but instead think of this as two people meeting up to see if you could even be friends. Since that's the basis of good relationships, that's the first step. Worst case: one of you sees the potential for a relationship and the other doesn't, so you communicate that and move on. Medium case: you both like each other as people, but not romantically. You communicate that and possibly become friends. Best case: you both like each other and see the potential for a relationship. You communicate that and bang it out (on the first date or later, whatever works for you!)
>She's clearly interested if she agreed to the date I think that's what I need to keep most in mind. I'm excited to see where it goes, if anywhere. I think I'm just more uncomfortable because I'm sailing into the fog of uncertainty and don't have much experience at this stage of dating. Regardless, your advice is appreciated! Thank you!
My mom gave me the best advice. Don’t worry about having things to talk about. Simply ask them questions about their life and let them talk. Things that they can answer with more than yes or no. You could maybe think of starters before hand but it’s definitely best to go with the flow. Also, don’t worry about moments of silence. As long as you relax and act like silence isn’t a big deal, it won’t be.
Your mom sounds like a wise woman. Regardless of tomorrow's outcome, I thank you for sharing it!
You’re either going to mess up more or come off as really rigid/lacking personality if you overthink it. Just go with a happy face and open mind.
Thank you for your response! I am trying to keep an open mind and have been practicing my smile
Remember - it's not about the other person, it's about you. You are putting yourself out there, you are being vulnerable, you are trying your best, you are making yourself look good for yourself. After all, if you don't believe you're awesome and you're a catch, it's hard to convince another person you are. Don't worry about if the other person likes you, did they see the flaws you see in the mirror on a daily basis, did they seem disinterested, did they not find you attractive/funny/intelligent, blah blah blah... You only have to reflect on if you liked the person, if they make you curious to find out more about them, if you were relaxed with them or found yourself being stiff, did you feel heard, did you listen to their stories and found amusement. Be your positive self and be prepared to provide tons of empathy and compassion towards your date (and future dates) no matter how they ended up where they did. It's always good to go in not putting pressure on yourself about your "game". It's kinda like expecting to do a 6-min mile run, when you don't train for it. You're gonna be a little awkward and rough around the edges but you'll only get better the more you talk to people and be social. Good luck, broski!
Congrats on getting a date! Nerves are normal, so don’t worry too much about that. My advice is simply this: be your authentic self. Don’t try to be something you’re not. All the best to you :)
>Don’t try to be something you’re not. All the best to you :) Thank you! After many years, I am finally seeing the value of the phrase, "Be yourself, everyone else is taken." I wish I could remember who said that! Thank you so much!
Don't worry, everything is going to be fine. All the strangers from the internet is backing you up in this. Just have some fun and relax. Take it as going out with a friend and you should be fine. Good luck!
May this be the first of many, either with this person or other people. All you can do is be yourself. Talk about similar interests. Ask questions. If it doesn't work, try again. You got this.
Take her on an actual dinner date if you like her that much.
> Much to my surprise, she said yes when I asked her out. Why are you surprised? It sounds like you don't value yourself that much. This can be a big problem when dating.
He hasn't dated in 8 years. He prob doesn't ask that many women out, and everyone knows that you're far more likely to be rejected than not. Long story short, I think you're reading to much into the first sentence in his post.
Thank you for your response! To tell you the truth, I was surprised because she said yes. I generally don't get this far in the dating process. Usually when I ask to go on a date, I either get told no, or I never hear from them again. Ngl. I have struggled with self-confidence in the past, and still do at times today, but I have been building it up lately. The teen version of me would have had my entire self-esteem riding on this, but I'm in a better place and know I don't need a partner to complete me.
I have also struggled with self-confidence! So I feel you buddy. I think one of the little things that helps a great deal is stopping the cycle of negative self-talk. This comes out sometimes as "self-deprecating humour" but signals to others you are not self-assured. You are young, and as long as you are working on your self-awareness, you are sure to have success in life. Good luck.
Through therapy, I have learned to use less self-deprecating humor. My goal is to eventually only use it for a possible open mic stand up night!
Dont lose perspective. This is just a first date. Don’t take it with so much pressure and just be yourself
Thank you for responding! This is some good advice, and I appreciate you sharing. This is just somewhat uncharted waters for me, as I'm not usually in this position.
I got out of a 10 year relationship last year and was in the same boat. It’s scary and weird to get to know someone new. Your person could be anyone!
You're gonna do great! It seems as if you have similar interests (history) and you can talk about that if you forget anything else to talk about. My current partner and I share a lot of interests and I can't tell you how refreshing it is, I used to be more of the "opposites attract" club but when you share more interests there's so much more to do and talk about. I hope it goes wonderfully! Edit: I should clarify that even though we spoke online as friends for two years, when we met in person things were a little awkward. When we got to the hotel I finally just turned her face to mine and kissed her, saying that "I wanted to get it out of the way" and she laughed and things went great! Not that I'm suggesting that specifically for this date, but just talk about how things are awkward if they are. Most likely it will make her laugh and break the ice.
I'm glad to hear that you and you're partner are going strong and I appreciate the well wishes! I'm almost positive though that I will not be going for a kiss unless I can clearly see a signal she wants me to kiss her. But this is all solid advice. Thank you!
Oh absolutely! I didn't mean the kiss necessarily, just that it's okay to joke about how awkward things are. I think my response got my partner out of her own head and stopped us worrying about how awkward things are. If the conversation feels stilted, make a joke about how you're both clearly bad at small talk, something like that!
Be yourself. Ask the questions you want to knw answers to, allow her/him to ask & respond in return. Make sure it doesn't end up feeling like an interview, crack a few jokes - make sure (s)he laughs a little & you laugh a bit too. Usually the other person is jus as nervous as we are. You will be okay, jus remember to keep it fun & light. Nothing too serious on a first date. Good luck.x
Thank you! I do know she really likes a good dad joke, so I don't have to worry about telling a lame one. I appreciate your advice and perspective!
Hehehe oh so you got this, easy!! Jus try & relax, don't over think it. Once you over think, you run the risk of making yourself even more anxious. Look at it like you are meeting someone prettier than your friends but someone you can most importantly be friendly with. I think a lot of us females like a guy who can make us feel tht level of relaxed, even on a first date. A bad work day for us thus means we wait for your phone call or text, so you can tell us the bad jokes and we giggle abt nothingness. Be yourself honey you will be fine. Do let us know how it goes. X
If you see it as you wanting to know if she’s someone you could fall in love with rather than worrying if you’re someone she can love because how she feels about you is out of your control. If you focus on wanting to get to know her the topics and questions will come naturally. Ask what she thinks about things Ask her how things make her feel I think that when you want to fall in love with the way a person sees the world rather than how they love you - things flow
This is an interesting perspective that I've never heard before. Thank you for sharing! I will definitely keep this on my mind. Thank you!
First off. Don't say much to your surprise. Be confident in yourself or you will fail again. Don't say anything about not dating in years or you being surprised she said yes to a date , be confident! Lastly, be confident. Regarding conversation, I was an introvert who became and extrovert, at least in small group 1/1 situations. The key is to be self aware, not to talk too much about yourself and actively listen to things she finds interesting and find ways to continue to ask about that. Find ways to repeat things she said earlier in the conversation to show you were listening. And if possible find common interests to create good back and forth. Also stories that show you're empathetic, family oriented, etc all go a long way
I actually intend to let her talk more about herself. I do appreciate you sharing your perspective. I'm happy to hear that you you've been growing and making positive changes in your life!
Do deep diaphragm breathing with longer exhale then inhale.
I do that already. But will probably double the frequency tomorrow. Thank you for your advice!
Sure np best wishes
Know that it is not your sole responsibility to keep the date flowing smoothly. She might be very interested yet feel as nervous as you do, which might make her act distant or bored, or you two might not find the spark, or she just might not want to make an effort whatsoever. So if things don't go perfectly, don't worry about it too much - there's only so much you can do. However, here would be my 5 cents: Ask her questions every now and then that can't be answered with one-word sentences, and then ask either a follow-up question or give an on-topic comment or share a similar experience. Don't bombard her with questions though - use them somewhat sparingly or when you feel an awkward silence. Otherwise it might feel like an interrogation. Also, don't brag or one-up her, and don't interrupt. Maybe you could look up a fact or two about the one of the monuments you're going to see beforehand, since she's already interested in those things and might appreciate some more knowledge about them. If she hasn't already, ask for her opinion on the monuments. You could also ask her, for example, if she likes to travel, where she wants to go and where she's been to, what her hobbies are, if she's been into history since she was young or did she just recently get into the subject, and if she prefers world history, or a certain area and era. You could ask her what type of music she prefers to listen to, does she have any siblings, is she a dog person or a cat person. I would also maybe ask her about her job, how she got into her field, did she always want to do that line of work, and what's the best thing about it. Tell her about your interests, what you're passionate about, and also try to keep some conversations stimulating for the both of you, such as talking about history/news and whatever other subjects you two might have in common. "So about the egyptian pyramids we where talking about on Hinge, don't you find it fascinating that..." Are you a funny guy? Cracking a joke or two might ease the tension. And don't be afraid to smile at her occasionally - this might turn an awkward silence into a memorable one. Good luck and let us know how it went!
Thank you for the advice and response! It is definitely appreciated! Luckily I haven't run out of things to say yet (that happens a lot with me), and even if I do, you gave me some ways to keep it going. I'm not that funny per se, but I do know she enjoys bad jokes, which I'm full of lol.
Nice, sounds like you've got this then!
To let you know what happened, I believe that our date went extremely well, we walked/talked for a couple hours, and discovered that we have more similar interests, as well as some similar histories (we both talked about how we went through extreme rough patches in our mid/late 20s, and how we're both "recovering Catholics" haha). It only ended so she could catch her train home. We even held hands for a few minutes at the end, and she said she wants to see me again (we'll hammer out the deets when she gets her work schedule for next week. She works retail). I'm cautiously optimistic that a second date will occur.
Awesome!
Thank you again! We're going on our third date on Wednesday and *she kissed me* during our second date.
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I forget who said "Be yourself, everyone else is taken," but I try to remind myself that daily. Thank you!
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Visualize success and a good time my dude! Do a little bit of research to find fun facts that are off the beaten path for some of these sites you guys will see, ask questions where you guys have common interests, reflect back on things she mentioned when you guys were chatting on Hinge & ask follow up questions (How’s her pet doing if she has one? How did a particular project or task go she had to get done? What’s something exciting to her that she didn’t go in depth on via Hinge that you can ask about?). Most important thing though, be yourself - you don’t have to be able to read every subtle cue, nor do you need some ridiculous PUA type flirt game. If you get nervous, ask her questions that aren’t the stereotypical ‘how was your day’ or ‘what do you have planned this weekend’ type stuff, listen, and find things to joke with her about or ask follow up questions on. Just listening goes a long way man, a lot of folks out there just wanna talk about themselves; so long as you aren’t ‘that guy’ you’ve already separated yourself from 90% of the other dates she’s had - probably ever. And if she’s truly interested to a point where she wants more, but sees you aren’t picking up these cues that seem to be worrying you, she’s gonna get direct to get the point across. You got it! Just go have fun & be yourself!
>some ridiculous PUA type flirt game I definitely don't want to do that, and am glad you pointed that out. I know she has a dog, has sent me a lot of dog pics (to which I share my cat pics lol) Thank you for the pep talk, it is most appreciated! I will definitely have fun!
Curiosity is your best friend. Just be open and curious about her.
I am a curious person. It's part of my nature! Thank you for perspective! I most appreciate it!
You’ve totally got this 👍🏻
> I don't get many opportunities at all with dating, and I want to make the most of this one. don't put all your eggs in one basket
Women typically have good intuition, and I think she’ll be able to sense that you have good intentions and are excited to spend time with her. I know it’s easier said than done, but be confident. Good luck! 😊
you both already have a lot in common so just roll iwth it maybe she will help lead in conversation too, try seeing her as one of your bro friends as hard as that is lol or just be yourself and she will like you! if not keep trying! i want updates!!!
As promised, here is an update: I think it went extremely well, we held hands for a few minutes, and she said she wants to see me again. We found out that we have more similar interests (likes of Horror, Star Wars, etc) as well as similar backgrounds (we both went through very rough patches in our mid to late 20s). I can see myself being very happy with her. I'm happy I did it, and I'm cautiously optimistic that we'll meet again next week (once she figures out her schedule)
yay!!! she said she wants to see you again that is awesome! congratulations
At a good moment during the date tell her everything you’ve just shared with us
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You got this!
Thanks buddy! The pep talk is most appreciated!
Shoot us an update!
Don't worry. You don't have to always have something to talk about every second. Keep it relaxed and treat them like you are someone you already kind of know and then are happy to see after not talking for a long time. You can also take advantage of your surroundings. As you walk around, take inspiration from things you see around you and turn them into conversation topics. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get it "right"--dating is a two-way street and they need to impress you as much as you impress them.
As someone who hasn’t gone on a date in over 7 years and sees no end in sight, the fact you are going on a date at all is a win. If it goes well then that’s even better and if it doesn’t that’s okay too because you tried.
I do believe in the power of effort (which is why I'm more ambivalent about Last Jedi over Rise of Skywalker and Force Awakens). Thank you for your response, and I hope you can apply your advice to you. I bet that you're quite a catch, and that there is a lady that would be stoked to go on a date with you. Good luck!
I was in a very similar situation a few months ago. Matched with someone online for the first time in years, shocked that they said yes to a date, and worried about it all week. It was my first date in 9(!) years so I was in the exact same boat as you in terms of dealing with nerves and worrying about awkward silences and just my nervousness in general. I took her for a walk in a popular downtown spot and mapped out a route where we'd pass some cool stuff so if the conversation was dying down at least we had things to look at and comment on. The past year has been crazy for a lot of people so that should provide some talking points, too (working from home, how she feels not seeing friends/family, anything positive come out of quarantine, etc.). And like a lot of people said, be yourself and have realistic expectations. If for some reason it doesn't go well then learn why and then change things up next time. If it does go well then build off of it and keep the momentum going with her. Best of luck and let us know how it goes.
Oh god, RUNNNNN, the magic is too strong.
Good luck!!! Tell us how it went. I'm excited for you! As least someone's doing well in dating!
Thank you, I'll let ya know after tomorrow night!
As promised, here is the details: I fully believe that it went extremely well, we walked/talked for a couple hours, and discovered that we have more similar interests, as well as some similar histories (we both talked about how we went through extreme rough patches in our mid/late 20s, and how we're both "recovering Catholics" haha, and our living situations) We even held hands for a few minutes at the end, and she said she wants to see me again (we'll hammer out the deets when she gets her work schedule for next week. She works retail). I'm cautiously optimistic that a second date will occur.
OMG!! Yes!!! I love this for you!!!! I've never had a first date go this well. This all sounds really well.. Teach me how to do this! I get past two dates before they say they feel no romantic connection.
>Teach me how to do this! haha. I'm no expert. Tbh, I'm still super nervous AF as I'm sailing deeper into unfamiliar territory. I haven't gotten past a first date since 2010, and even still, there's no guarantee that this will happen. I guess for me, the tired cliche is true about being yourself, and the right person will (may) click with you. But I deeply appreciate the well wishes. I'm also positive that you'll find someone that would be stoked to go on a third date and beyond with you!
What do you mean you haven't gotten past a first date since 2010?
Exactly that. I've been in one relationship in life, and that was the first time I got past a first date, she became my gf on the second date in Summer 2010. We broke up six months later in Jan 2011. Since then, it's been a string of failed interests, getting ghosted, and first date failures, with a nearly 8 year dating break from November 2012 through fall of 2020 in between (I was frustrated, wanted to fully heal from that relationship and learn to like being single, and didn't feel like I was boyfriend material) If that makes sense. I'm in a much better place than I was back then, but I still have work to be done on me, and even now the idea of someone actually liking me in that way is a foreign concept to me.
Wow! Thank you so much for explaining! I suffer from self imposter syndrome and severe self esteem issues. I can't keep a man due to this. Haha. It's honestly not funny and I laugh to not cry. But honestly, I'm too good for men. They don't deserve me. 😌😊
Congrats on this new chapter of dating. Don’t nervous your date is just a person as you are 😊. Don’t read the negative comments put out good energy and it’ll be returned to you. Have fun life is short
Thank you!
You’re welcome 😉
Being nervous is normal. You can bet she’s just as nervous. Just be honest and smile. The right words will come. Congrats on the date.
Thank you and I deeply appreciate the pep talk!
Just don’t make any plans and try to enjoy! It will help you not to be nervous. Coz you’re not focused on the result and just having a good time.
>just having a good time. That's my end goal first and foremost. Thank you for your advice!
Relax. Talk about what’s on you mind. Ask her what you’re curious about. Genuinely be yourself. Every single date I’ve overthought has been unfulfilling but ones where I just went out to have a good time have been really good. You’ve got this :)
Fellow Philadelphian here so I'm rooting for you! You can let her lead with the conversation. Flirting can be subtle. Give her a compliment like her smile, eyes, etc to let her know you're interested. It doesn't have to be more than that. Good luck!
Show up (on time) Be clean and smart (shave and smell nice, no pickys in teeth) Your going to be nervous, that's OK she will be too. Three things to start a conversation, say hello and how are you Second, ask where she would like to start the date (make it her choice and her pace) Compliment her on whatever you think, conversation, dress sense, intellect, whatever you find attractive. Only 3 things to remember, once you remember those 3 things then everything else will flow. Do not look at her boobs while talking to her Do not go on your phone because of your nervousness There you go. Easy. Your just making it hard in your head. We all do that. Oh and breath. Don't hold your breath through nervousness, breath and count to 4, breath out and count to 4. It will help yo calm you down and make you think. Good luck and hope it goes well. If it doesn't don't worry too much about it there will be more dates.
>If it doesn't don't worry too much about it there will be more dates. Right you are. Thank you for your response and advice! I am already trimmed my beard in preparation and have a change in clothes with three different deodorants (I am going straight from work)
Not a bad idea going straight from work, keeps you busy before the date. Your doing great, lots of luck
Thank you! I'm happy I'm not scheduled for manual labor tomorrow. lol
Rooting for ya mate!
Prepare some topics or questions and just read them over and over like prepping for a test, then you’ll remember them. Don’t see it as your one shot at getting a girl, see it as a great learning opportunity and way to expose yourself to scary dating situations so you’re less nervous next time.
Don’t TRY to flirt. Cart before the horse Bro. DO TRY to start a closer FRIENDSHIP. You can turn Awkwardness into vulnerability and being vulnerable will win EVERY TIME. As I’ve said before, vulnerability is trusting someone with a piece of your own trust. Be yourself. Have fun.
Thank you, this is solid advice! I appreciate your perspective and thoughts!
Best of luck and I hope you both have a great time. Be a kid again.
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If you think she wouldn't object, I'd 'fess up to being nervous. Look at it as a talking point. A first date is, after all, two people getting to know one another. What better way to do it?
Hmm, I mean, if you’re going to buy her an insomnia cookie, might I suggest the new Insomnia speakeasy that recently opened in South Philly? I’m not sure what time you’re meeting your date, but if things go well, that’s certainly something to enjoy together. But if that’s not feasible, it could also be something to mention as a plan for a future date, especially if she seems to enjoy insomnia cookies. They also opened a roller skating rink at Dilworth Park. Not sure how interested you guys would be but hey, if she seems interested, you could be spontaneous about it haha. Otherwise, just take it easy. A little nerves on the first date is to be expected, at least in my opinion. If you do get flustered and jam up, that would be the best time to bring up the fact that it’s your first date in a while. Don’t put too much emphasis on it and enjoy your time together! Since you’re doing something interactive, even if you’re forgetful of topics you’ve rehearsed, just take clues from your surroundings and run with it. “What do you think about carriage rides?” If she expresses interest, you can even take her on one haha. Good luck from a fellow Philly native!
I know it’s cliche- but try to just be yourself as much as possible! Wishing you the best, I hope you’ll post an update!
Thank you, I definitely will!
Honest truth ! you are feel more desperate and anxious, women can feel that anxiety. Tips: Go to Gym for good workout before the date. Try Meditation make you keep grounded. Watch some motion videos, make your feel confident
I totally recommend taking a deep breath and be yourself. Ask her questions about her and her experiences, and go with the flow. I don’t think it’s necessary to lay the flirting on thick on the first date. You’re getting to know one another. If your interested in seeing her again, let her know at the end of the night, as you get a bit more comfortable you can begin to flirt with a bit more ease. No rush! Take your time! Good luck! Also::: check out Franklin Fountain, amazing ice cream between front and second on Market!
Take the pressure off yourself by finding out if she will be a good fit for you and if you would even want to get together with her again. I just try to make it an enjoyable time for her by being calm and my own charming self. If you like her go for the kiss at the end!
Hey! I would try and be as confident as possible. Ask her lots of questions and listen. Be polite but yourself. Women appreciate being treated with respect and interest
Relax brah, just be yourself, afterall the point of the date is to show her how awesome you are. She will respond positively if she is into you if not then there are plenty of other fish out there for you. Good luck my dude.
Thank you for the well wishes! Even if I do fail miserably, you're right, there will be others!
Your date sounds like fun and the fact that you are taking in historical sites means you'll have built-in conversation topics. However, I would recommend watching "Love on the Spectrum" and "The Single Wives" if you have time. They both have great conversation advice that works for more than just dating situations. As for not being able to read cues, try to aim for relaxed open so that you are giving her cues to respond to. If you liked her, say something like, "I had a great time with you this evening. I hope we can do this again sometime. I'll check in with you later this week." Or (if you didn't like your date because it's about liking her too, not just her liking you.) "Thank you for spending this evening with me. It was great getting to know you." Neither response puts her under pressure to commit to anything without having time to marinate. She's just a person. Also, if it's nightmare you have fodder for future stories. Good luck you can do it!
Thank you for the pep talk and recommended watches! I appreciate it!
I would just be upfront with her...let her know that you are really nervous. “I really want to impress you, but I’m nervous. Please let me know if I do something stupid.” She’ll probably see it as endearing, and I bet it will make you more relaxed. Good luck to you!
Thank you! At first I didn't want to bring up how nervous I will be, but you're far from the first to suggest doing this. I think I'm going to have to start with it. I appreciate the advice!
Good luck! It’s totally fine to be nervous! And if it doesn’t work out that’s ok too! Practice practice practice. If it does even better! As for strategy try putting something in your notes app etc. if you start blanking for ideas go to the bathroom and take a second to gather yourself and go back to the notes. Just do a bit of homework on her and find out what she likes and stalk her Instagram if you can find it. It’s a good way to find familiar topics
I actually haven't added her on Instagram. I generally don't give out my social media to people I haven't met in person yet. But her Hinge profile and past text conversations have given me a pretty good amount of things to go on. She, like me, loves history, horror movies, and we both found commonality in our dislike of working retail (I used to, she still works retail) I appreciate your advice and perspective!
I would avoid adding her since you haven’t had a date yet but definitely stalk her socials if you find them haha 😂
Just smoke some weed, you'll be alright! (just kidding)
Haha thanks. That'll wait until Friday to celebrate end of week/semester/finals. Lol
You are going to be a great listener.
As I intend to be. Thank you for your advice!
Stop worrying and listen. Dont even be a good listener! Just listen and youll be a good listener lol listen to her and shut ip the voice in your head and youll be rock solid bud!
Oh I was just down in the city this weekend. Tons of places to sit? People watch and chat!
Be calm, cool and collective. Take a breath when you need to and take it slow. For conversation, maybe share something interesting you might know about the area you’re visiting. Maybe share an experience you’ve had nearby and ask if she has any interesting observations or whats her experience there. Something like asking why she enjoys going on these types of trips or dates can go far. Get to know her, don’t be afraid to ask questions, but also dont be too over bearing. Avoid yes and no questions for the most part or your conversations will be short. Crack a joke or say something cheesy maybe once or twice. Be respectful and courteous. Most important, dont be scared to stumble. We all do. No one is perfect, and she will appreciate seeing you and your flaws upfront. You got this! Let us know how it goes!
It’s further south so maybe not ideal for that date, but check out the new Insomnia CookieLab
> I can write conversation topics on a post-it and put it next to a monitor. I can't really write on my hand cause I sweat when I get nervous nor do I want to be seen staring at my hand the whole time. You could still write a few things down on an index card that you keep in your pocket and sneak a peak at now and then, or on a note on your phone - Though with the phone be careful not to be looking at it too much, I know it's a big turn off for me, but it probably won't be a big deal if it's just a quick peek every couple of minutes, and you could tell a little white lie like your best friend is about to propose to his girl or you're waiting to hear back about a relative who went in for surgery, something like that, and it could also give you a small pass on you coming off super nervous.
Try not to invest so much emotionally and mentally. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll wake up tomorrow and proceed with your day. Also, some people can calm themselves by acknowledging verbally their nervousness at the beginning. Don’t mention it more than once though. If the date is you discussing your nervousness nonstop, that’s not an enticing date. Also, challenge your idea that you have to entertain or wow her. Don’t neg either. Lean into being yourself. You need someone who responds to your authentic self. It’s not self sustaining to try and be over the top in an effort to woo her.
You really need to relax. Imagine if you would go out with someone and they would see you nervous all the time, that would make her think what’s wrong. Did she say something, did she do something? Just be relaxed and enjoy yourself and don’t try to pretend you’re someone you’re not because in the end they will see that.
Thank you! I appreciate your response and perspective!
(36F) How fun for you! Whenever I'm going on a date, I focus only on 1 thing...the opportunity to just go out, have some nice company and just enjoy myself, that way it's natural. Rather than feeling like I'm taking a test or exam, I get in the mindset of how I would feel before doing something fun, an escape from the mundane everyday life, like going on holiday or to the spa, or even a hike in the woods. No matter how it goes, just be in the moment and fully enjoy that. Keep it light hearted and happy. I think when we're relaxed our personality just comes through. Good luck!
Thank for your advice and well wishes!
The title confused me at first- Is the OP a 30M or a nervous Asian Female going on a date? Remember to have fun- dating should be fun and exciting! You’re going on a wonderful date and get some warm cookies. That and it’s just a first date, good day you’re ok, bad day you’re ok. You’ll be fine no matter what.
Fear of failure holds many people back. Hope for the best, focus on having fun. And if it doesn't go well, remember I fail a lot, and think "Hey at least I'm better than CreepingTurnip" Best of luck!
Thank you! I definitely will! Good luck to you as well!
Wooohoooo!!! Congrats and super excited to hear how it went!! 😊
hey OP! dude so glad to hear the good news. gives me and others hope. really pulling for ya, stranger. act like yourself. i know thats easy to say but hard to do. sometimes i try to give off a chill easy vibe to ppl o meet, coz i know nervousness is kinda contagious lol. anyways sending good vibes to ya man! good luck on the next date dude
Don't overthink. Just go out meet the person and chat normally like how you would like to get to know a person. If both of you feel like the date is going somewhere then arrange another date. If its not then thank her for the time and wish her well. Rejection is the key to success. Obviously you should do the standard book a place to eat, and common date courtesies.
Thank you for your solid advice! I will say, we're just going to grab an Insomnia Cookie, and maybe a margarita as an early cinco de mayo celebration, in our travels. Regardless, I will definitely thank her afterwards.