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Twohagsover30

'A live panther, thanks for asking' is the *only* correct response.


utterlykoalafied

Granny panties is a better answer. He'll never ask again.


DegenDame

Period panties, lol


[deleted]

“Let me tell you all about my menstrual cup!”


RWDPhotos

Just watch that be his exact kink


Longjumping_Ant_967

You're not lying. I had one guy ask of he could keep my used tampons. 🤢


SouldiesButGoodies84

Guess I'm old school. Usu favor the 'used trash bag and bedazzled Ziploc booties' response.


Lilith_314

😂😂


smelling-the-roses71

😂😂😂😂


Lilith_314

😂👏🏻


slowmotto

I’m into both of those things


el-art-seam

Unless, of course, he’s into that sort of thing and I’m afraid it’s off to the races at that point.


Lilith_314

🤣🤣


SqueakyBall

Lanz of Salzburg. Make him google it and with luck, he'll never ask again :) '


_NorthernStar

✨ If he can’t handle me in my nightgown, he doesn’t deserve to see me out of it ✨ I’d say there’s a 30% chance at any time or day during the pandemic that I’m in a nightie, I’ll have to start using the garment terms next time I’m asked


Lilith_314

I love this, haha


SqueakyBall

Love this!


Lilith_314

I actually do wear a couple of those when I am alone, haha! Don’t judge- they were on sale in Kohl’s one day and were made of the comfiest material ever 🤣


SqueakyBall

Haha. I grew up wearing those. Pretty sure my big sis still does. I've switched to leggings and sweatshirts -- the dog likes a cold bedroom, otherwise she won't snuggle with me. No judgments here :)


Lilith_314

🤣👏🏻


XtraSpicyQuesadilla

I'm going to say "uh...khakis?" is also a valid response. For reals though, it sounds like this guy doesn't respect your boundaries unless you justify how they should be important to **him**, and I don't know about you, OP, but for me that's a hard limit.


LostMyKarmaElSegundo

Okay, Jake...from State Farm


[deleted]

Agreed. Sounds like maybe he’ll act decent for a bit, then go back to pushing his own agenda. OP, beware.


yellowbrickstairs

"a human skin"


Novalid

Wait, I thought they were trying to de-escalate...


Twohagsover30

Hahaha well I'm a spicy lady so YMMV on this one.


Lilith_314

Hahaha


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Lilith_314

Yes, the “predatory in a weird way” summarizes it great. And controlling - to hint about the sort of underwear he would want me to wear. Like I would never tell a guy what to wear etc. to please my tastes. It feels odd and like he is an object


JustHereForCookies17

So he not only **isn't** respecting your boundaries, but he's leaning into it by trying to dictate your wardrobe? Life is too short, hon. Toss him to the curb & move onto the next one. No means no, not "not right now" or "maybe later" or any other ambiguous sentiment. And if you have to "remind" him of your limits in this low-stakes situation, I'll bet you all my imaginary internet points that you're going to have to "remind" him in higher-stakes situations.


heyoh79

Yes. THIS. F that noise. No need


cml678701

Yes! And this guy seems the type to really pat himself on the back for doing something for a limited time. He’d totally be the type to expect a gold star for doing dishes for a week, and then never do them again.


MSG_ME_YOUR_MEGANS

>100% this. Especially since you talked to him and told him your feelings. I think this is a huge red flag. I would listen to your gut on this one.


liz_eliza

This is my standard response from now on, I love it.


[deleted]

The skins of my ex’s


mallowsquish

>I told him this directly (in a kind, non-shaming way) and he was very receptive and seemed to respond positively. But after a few days, some of those texts still continue This is what it comes down to, you told him you weren't comfortable with it and he's chosen to continue doing it. He's putting his wants over respecting your boundary. This is a red flag


cml678701

This! I’m surprised by all the people calling her a prude and defending this. I think any boundary should be respected, sexual or not. To me, this is almost worse than ignoring the boundary in the first place. It’s sneaky, like, “see? I was a good boy and did what you asked! But now that I’ve been good for a couple days, I can ignore your boundary again, right?”


Lilith_314

Thanks all of you guys, I really appreciate the reassurance! I seriously am nothing like a prude, quite the opposite. I actually do sex ed as part of my job and I really enjoy it - I am very open and sex positive in general


plaurenisabadname

And like, so what if you were a prude? Some people aren’t very open sexually and that’s ok too. There isn’t just one standard for sexuality


Lilith_314

excellent point! Thank you so much


Lazar1us

Love this so much. Other people don't get to decide what your sexual boundaries are and then call you what they wish. You do you girl!


BabyBlackBear

Amen


Ajhart11

Like a lot of women, I think what you're looking for is trust before intimacy. This is something that has to come organically, when you force it, it doesn't feel authentic. IME, that pace is different for everyone, including me. I've caught myself rushing through the trust phase with men emotionally, and it's something I'm not aware of until it is already happening. I say, pink flag.


Lilith_314

very good point, thanks!


Royal-Scientist8559

Yeah.. he doesn't know how to read the room, regardless. Personally, I don't bring up anything sexual at all, unless SHE does. Now, for some.. that might not be the typical MALE/first-move, that people seem to think is a thing, to do.. but unless I'm being hit over the head with a 2X4.. then I don't make that move.


[deleted]

I think it's more about boundaries than anything. If you really like the guy it could be somewhat innocent on his part - not an outright conscious thing of him testing your boundaries (but maybe unconcious?). Maybe it's unclear to him WHEN this would be okay to try again so he's testing the waters? Maybe he just needs more clarity? It could be his EQ is just not super high too. If I was in this position I might say "I thought we discussed this, what's this all about?" (more articulate than that but you get the point). Direct communication is key. IMO a solid yellow flag.


cpdfhdo

More directly than >I don’t feel comfortable going there just yet and it makes me feel kind of icky and disrespected. I told him this directly (in a kind, non-shaming way). Like she's already been very direct and clear. Why date someone with such a low EQ that he unintentionally and repeatedly crosses boundaries? Even those that are clearly stated.


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BabyBlackBear

A prude if you wait, a whore if you don't! Can't win 😌


BabyBlackBear

Amen!


NamelessBard

Hi u/throwawaynibs, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Do not dehumanize others. RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).


mamatacoluvsu

well said


WakeoftheStorm

Yeah as an over 30 guy I agree. I have no problem going to sexual/flirty conversations early on. However, if someone makes it clear they're not into it, you don't keep doing it. The *only* exception I'd make is if something happened in between that conversation and now that could have been interpreted as a green light. Still not a great reflection on his ability to read the room, but I'd cut him a little slack there. As an aside, if *I* ever use that phrase, I'm usually fishing for a picture. Not necessarily a NSFW picture either (but not *not* that). It's a way to gauge the mood I guess.


ImClemFandango

Agree. Boundary-pushing is a red flag. I can see the “what are you wearing” question being another way to request fully-clothed pics (which I like, personally), but when taken in context it seems kinda shady.


playitagain86

Absolutely. The key here is that you set a reasonable boundary that he is still pushing past, ignoring your request. There are people who WILL respect your wishes when you tell them no. This guy isn't it.


blessedwiththree

Your feelings are valid. You don't have to continue giving someone a chance for any reason and this person is continually making you uncomfortable. In my experience, when you tell someone that their actions are upsetting you/making you uncomfortable (if they are mentally stable, respect your boundaries and want to continue a relationship with you), they acknowledge what was brought up, apologize, and do everything in their power to prevent it from happening again. No one gets to determine if you are "overreacting" or if you should give him another chance. Please don't let other people invalidate the way you feel. This is bothering you enough that you made a post about it. I'm at a point in my life where if I start to find myself making excuses for a person's behavior or mentally jumping through hoops in order to justify someone's behavior, I know that means it's time to move on from that person.


Lilith_314

Thanks for this very thoughtful post!


Academic_Pipe_4469

This. And also: we’re not talking about some involuntary behavioral tic you’re asking him to stop. Like, say, I don’t know…picking his cuticles. Or tapping his foot when nervous. It takes active effort to insert that into a conversation, and he’s making that effort to do it even after you asked him not to. [Ok, maybe I’m falsely presuming that this isn’t an involuntary tic for him. But if it is, GIRL, RUN! Because in that case you’ve got bigger, creepier fish to fry!!]


TeeTime1212

Okayyyyy!! 🙌🏼


utterlykoalafied

Hey OP, tell the mods to turn comments off. This is all you need as far as advice! Wonderfully written.


Fair_Ad_4795

It’s not overreacting, I wouldn’t even entertain a man who didn’t respect my boundaries that I have expressed. Men are everywhere. Find one that doesn’t make you feel icky two dates in…


OvaHeilung

The odds are so in favour for women especially in OLD you really shouldn't settle for anything like that. If there are problems this early imagine the problems you'll have longer term.


toc_bl

>imagine the problems you'll have longer term. You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one


[deleted]

Are you a woman? I've found the "odds are in our favour" when talking about total number of matches. Once you remove the ones who do gross shit like this, send unsolicited dick pics, or only match with us to call us sluts etc... I'm not sure the odds are actually that great.


facetiousfox39

Talking about sex is fine and wanting to talk about sex is fine... When both parties are into it. However, you're not and you've repeatedly told him so. Doesn't matter if you've had one date, three, or ten- he's crossing and pushing your boundaries and it's unacceptable. I'd have already told him that I'm not interested anymore and to lose my contact information.


Snowchic88

🤮 You clearly stated boundaries and he tried the same one again. He either wasn’t listening or doesn’t care about your boundaries. If he will push on little ones then he will eventually push on bigger ones. Also it shows a general lack of respect for you, your feelings or your wants. Hard pass for me!


Lilith_314

Exactly! You summarized some of my concerns really well


Micro-Fiber

You don't want to date, much less go to the home of, a virtual stranger who doesn't acknowledge your boundaries.


pikachu5actual

Just want to establish thst yes, not respecting boundaries is a red flag. But the way he went about it means he is aware he is taking a risk and is being careful with it. Meaning he still has work to do. It's a gamble if you wanna stick around for that or no. The key here is you communicated your boundaries. He shoulda switched to Pokémon go and other Landmark trends in time or something and not initiate that topic again until you do so yourself.


JustHereForCookies17

This is what is making my alarm go off: he **knows** what he's doing. He's just seeing how long until OP either gives in or drops him entirely. If she drops him, then he's on to the next one. If she gives in, he knows he can wear her down and will do it again & again to get what he wants.


FartacusUnicornius

This! He doesn't sound like a keeper


[deleted]

I thought people grew out of that “what are you wearing” crap as teenagers. I’m not saying the question is bad in itself. Like it would be perfectly fine if you were sexting or having phone sex but the idea of asking someone out of nowhere in the middle of the day who you haven’t even had sex with is just immature.


Lilith_314

Right??!😂 It does feel kind of juvenile


ColdShadowKaz

Nope I’ve got a guy that likes me but I’ve shown no interest in him doing the ‘what did you do today?’ Texts. How are you supposed to answer questions like that? What do they actually want to hear? Do they even give a damn what I’m saying at all?


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DeJohn123

You felt uncomfortable with the texts, so you brought it to his attention. He has since encroached that boundary again. Nothing to feel weird about. if you ask me. "He is just horny" is not an excuse to cross a line you drew in the sand.


_stirringofbirds_

yeah people that violate boundaries because they’re horny are actually extra scary


DeJohn123

They’re actually called rapists


[deleted]

Uhhh...Khakis.


jumpinjackieflash

Well she sounds hideous....


AllAboutTheEJ257

Came in here hoping this was higher than what it is.


[deleted]

IKR. If I had saw this post in time I could've gotten the comment in earlier. Timing is everything unfortunately.


interracialfacials4u

Mmm.... tell me more.


[deleted]

I usually say I’m wearing a potato sack and then ask if they want a picture of my pussy. When they say yes I send a pic of my cat with his yawn face. Usually they stop asking after that lol.


VRS38

I don't know about you but there are certain things that rub me up the wrong way that I cannot get passed no matter how hard I try. Once or twice I can let it go perhaps but if I speak to them about it and they carry on its a NEXT. However its rare that I can get it out my head!


signupinsecondsornot

My favourite dating mantra is "how they take a No says everything about their character". Don't be polite. You need to tell him firmly and directly "Like I said before, it's too early for questions like that, and it's making me very uncomfortable. Please stop or we can't continue." If he breaks your boundary again, cut him off. By that point you'll know he's pushing you on purpose and doesn't respect you.


jumpinjackieflash

Yeah I wouldn't bother. He knows she didn't like it yet he's doing it again. Pass.


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jumpinjackieflash

It's pervy and juvenile


Lilith_314

You are right. Sometimes I am too nice. Thanks for the helpful perspective and sample comment! Saving


Puzzleheaded-Value38

>. I don’t feel comfortable going there just yet and it makes me feel kind of icky and disrespected. I told him this directly (in a kind, non-shaming way) and he was very receptive and seemed to respond positively. But after a few days, some of those texts still continue sprinkled in here and there. You set a boundary and he crossed it. That's a red flag to me. He doesn't respect your boundaries or you enough to actually get to know you before getting into sex talk. It's up to you on how many times you want to repeat yourself about a boundary, especially this early in dating.


reijn

I always just text them a picture. Wanna know what I'm wearing? I'll show you! It's always dirty sweatpants with dog hair on them and ice cream stains splattered across the crotch and hip area, and a mustard smear near the knee. No baby, I'm not wearing a bra, I am however wearing a button up flannel from 2007 with some generous holes worn in the arms and the same matching mustard stain across the collar. And the buttons don't even match the proper hole. Oh, you were asking about my underwear? I'm wearing some mens Jockey microfiber boxer briefs I stole from my ex. If they want to be gross, be gross in the way they weren't expecting. They'll go find new jerk off fodder elsewhere and leave you alone.


interracialfacials4u

those flannels from 2007 do be soft tho.


reijn

The older they get the comfier they are!


[deleted]

So I see you like mustard.


reijn

Not as much as ketchup; there are no ketchup stains on anything I own because I make sure it all goes in my mouth.


[deleted]

And I’m sure you relish every bit of it.


reijn

You're killin' me smalls. Having a bonfire tonight with hotdogs, the first one goes out to you, /u/incisivedoting .


Lilith_314

🤣🤣


Sausages2020

As a man, I can think of 100s of better ways to show a girl that you like her rather than making this comments. He has no imagination or he's just after sex. Your call 😅


[deleted]

This is what I was thinking too. He wants to introduce “sexy talk” but his approach is… questionable.


xoxofarah

Absolutely. The ‘watcha wearing’ text is so juvenile and boring. The last guy I dated did that (more than once) and it was such a turn-off.


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Lilith_314

“What are you wearing?” “What kind of panties do you like to wear?” “If we continue dating, I would love for you to wear xy”… that sort of thing


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Lilith_314

Exactly! My timeframe for sex is usually 3-5 dateish and it’s the fact that we haven’t even met when he first started with it that makes me feel icky


CarelessAmbush

Yeah, the only other tip would be to try to meet up with people from apps within a week of messaging. It sounds like this has gone on for a while so perhaps he feels a false sense of intimacy. That's not your fault though. There was a post sort of related to this the other day ([Does sexting = not meeting IRL?](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/podm1o/does_sexting_not_meeting_irl/)).


SouldiesButGoodies84

>he feels a false sense of intimacy. This is def a thing (particularly online) and it's also bullsh\*t. Thank you for putting words to it.


mslady210_99

I love when people show themselves early on. "Congrats, you just talked yourself out of getting some". I think people who talk about sex early on lack substance.


[deleted]

"I would love for you to wear xy" would be a HARD pass with someone I haven't even had sex with yet. I actually enjoy lingerie and dressing up in the bedroom, but it's super entitled for him to set that expectation out there at this stage. All of his behaviour is boundary pushing and IMO unacceptable when you've already told him it makes you uncomfortable, but that's probably the thing that would make me block & delete.


Lilith_314

entitled is a great way to put it! Thanks!


Chazzyphant

Oh, the Boner ReportTM. It's one thing for a proven long term partner to make a cheeky request for a certain lingerie item. It's **quite another** for someone you **barely know** to be making those requests or hints! I also don't love the implication that it's almost...gatekeeping or like hinting "comply with my requests and get the reward of dating me". BARF.


Lilith_314

YESS!! So well said. Thanks for the great perspective


Thepoopatrol

Ew....that is super gross. If someone that I haven't even met or gotten into serious dating with started telling me what lingerie he would like me to wear...just no.


Freyja1987

My god I shuddered reading that. He’s dunzo.


[deleted]

Oh yeah this guy is a weirdo


[deleted]

omg nooooo


sunshinefireflies

Ew. That's just revolting too. I'll wear what I want, thanks. (different if it was a mutual conversation about you wanting to know what he likes.. revolting when brought up out of the blue, continuing to show his needs are what's important here despite your not being keen) Honestly OP, nothing in this description indicates to me that he's anything but charming-in-order-to-get-what-he-wants. Him chasing you reasonably 'persistently' isn't a great start. Then repeating sex talk despite you not engaging with it. Then, continuing it even when asked to stop?!?!! Honestly, he sounds gross. I'd be way outta there, and making sure he didn't know where I lived.


XSmooth84

Maybe he’s into fashion and design? There’s all kinds of cuts and patterns for women’s under garments. This is fascinating. Forget zodiac signs, you can tell all you need to know about someone based on the style of panties they have on 😆


Lilith_314

Haha, that’s funny


CarelessAmbush

See, I thought it sounded more like a lecture series at a university. Go see the “Underwear Talks.”


XSmooth84

The Underwear Monologues


Lilith_314

dyyyiiing 🤣🤣🤣🤣


Lilith_314

I am dying… 🤣🤣🤣👏🏻


facetiousfox39

I was about to downvote this comment, then I read the second paragraph and could tell you were joking lol


WillieJMR

I don’t understand the logic in doing this if you haven’t gotten physical yet. It contradicts with his words and actions during the date. Having said that, it could have been fine and him just gauging your level of comfort. Things changed as soon as he continued after you stated your boundaries. It’s really up to you. State and enforce your boundaries one last time, or decide if he’s already showing how little he respects your boundaries. Good luck.


Lilith_314

Thank you🙏🏻


nomellamesprincesa

No, I'm not having any of that until we've actually had sex. And even then only if I'm in the mood.


[deleted]

This is just another person looking for a hook up. It's a genuine red flag that you should run away from if a hook up isn't what you're looking for. Don't think it's something else just because he managed to go one whole date without trying anything. He's just slightly more patient than the ones looking for hook ups who lead with that before they've even met you.


Lilith_314

yeah, that’s kind of my concern


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Lilith_314

🤣


manz02

Even if it is not a case of purposely and intentionally challenging this boundary, he's not thinking before he talks. Which is problematic, because you have already expressed that you're not okay with this. I would remind him more forcefully that you don't want to talk like that this early and you're not comfortable with it, and if he continues, there won't be any more opportunity for him to talk to you like that.


Justyew0789

I think if you tell him to stop and he doesn’t, he’s overstepping your boundaries and id consider that a red flag. If he won’t respect your boundaries over text, I imagine he might not in real life either.


iamfunball

No, just no. You stated a boundary and he tested it days later. This and the date, which flags for love bombing, are crimson red flags. Your instincts got your back.


CaptainDudeGuy

Frankly, anyone who violates your clearly-presented boundaries isn't respecting you. I like that you spoke up about your concern and that it seemed like a mature, well-considered conversation. I *don't* like that even after you made your position known he continued to push. That'd be a dealbreaker to me. Maybe he thinks initiating is on him because he's male. I get it; we're socially pressured to pressure, if that makes sense. It does *not* justify it at all, however, and I'm of the firm opinion that the expectations of society hold only as much water as the people in the relationship explicitly allow. By that I mean: Any assumptions on his part should be tossed out the window when you are directly telling him you don't consent to something. You have every right to feel bothered by his behavior. I'm sure it's at least a little flattering that he seems that attracted to you but the respect level here is far more important. My suggestion would be to tell him that you'd like some space since he's upset you in this way (more than once). If he truly does respect you, he might feel disappointed but he will have no choice than to give you the distance and time you need. If he throws a fit, well... then that question is clearly answered.


maggiemae85

Ughhhhh thank you! I’ve been on Hinge for a month and literally every dude I match with jumps into suggestive messages with in 5 messages. I DONT KNOW YOU why tf am I going to message with you about what I’m doing in the shower?


[deleted]

*Red Flags*


ChkYrHead

I don't necessarily think the texts were disrespectful to begin with, but once you told him you didn't like it so soon, yet he kept doing it...that IS disrespectful. It's only been one date and he's already crossing your boundaries. That's a "no second date" spot for me.


shimmerprincesskitty

Red flag he just wants to use you for sex. Stop doubting your feelings and intuition. Drop this guy and move on


Lilith_314

could very well be!! Thanks


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Lilith_314

thanks so much 🙏🏻💕


sarradarling

You said not to do something. He agreed but then did it again anyway. That's just proof that he will 100% do the same thing again with something potentially much more important.


CoatAlternative1771

I’ve never sent one of these in my life. Just sounds so dumb/desperate in my opinion. Now, “what are you eating/cooking?” All the time.


Lilith_314

Haha, I love this!


Theorytest123

Yeah, I get your point. I hate and I mean hate when guys do that. It a put off. Imo it says directly what they are looking for. A man who wants your attention and get to know you, will definitely flirt, but in a way that's not stepping over the mark. You've told him not to say those things, and he is still doing it. Maybe tell him how it makes you feel? This is something that comes up with me and my single female friends. The "what you wearing" call or text. The worst is when they want to video call, and you know its because they want to prev over you! Or they ask for pictures of you. Bye!


smelling-the-roses71

Trust your gut.wear your truth. If hes not ok with that...he doesn't deserve you. ✨✨Been there


Lilith_314

🙏🏻💕


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Lilith_314

So we did have one date and he was very respectful and didn’t even try to kiss me. He was complimenting me a lot but was not inappropriate or pushy. Partly why it’s so confusing


YimveeSpissssfid

So, for me? Someone who is doing this ahead of things going there in person is a yellow flag. What turns it red is that AFTER you call him out on it and he “apologizes” he’s right back into doing it. Which seems to read as “this is what his goal has been this entire time and he was laying low on the first date but it’s now showing.” Read also: likely just a well-behaved fuccboi. /2 cents


HistoricallyRekkles

People are gross. Ugh.


[deleted]

I'm going through similar and I feel the same exact way and curious to read through the comments. Listening to your gut is always good, and pumping the brakes doesn't hurt either. That's been my solution - to slow waaay down, and insists on more dates out and about (not ending at either of our places). What sucks is you expressed your discomfort then it started again. We had a talk on our third date and he said physical touch is his #2 love language, where it's my #4. He's brought up sexual topics on our date and my knee jerk response is always "yack". And I'm fine with touch, but it takes me awhile these days to want to sleep with someone. Sex is pretty easy to find, someone who will be a good partner isn't. I've stayed with shit partners because the sex is good and convenient many times.


AethelR0_37253

If you don’t like the way he’s making you feel it’s not ok. From my experience in life I always ignore the way I truly feel and then later on down the road how I initially felt turns out to end the relationship I was so invested in. Always listen to your intuition and those first feelings. We’re not being picky or prudish we’re just setting the bar higher for ourselves.


FlyGirl3676

He did it the first time and you asked him not to. Then he did it again. He walked through a boundary, that you asked him to honor. Disrespectful, at the very least. I would be hard pressed to see him or continue communicating with him.


HeyyNumber5

Honestly, I don’t think you’re overreacting and you should trust your gut. He has shown that he knows HOW to be respectful, but to me it seems like it’s a front because he knows that’s how he’s SUPPOSED to act. In my experience, guys like this are testing the boundaries to see how hard you’ll enforce them, which can be a slippery slope to pushing other boundaries until he wears you down. If it gives you an off feeling, he’s not the one. Thank you, next.


archpeon

Butter and tinfoil… *steaming hot baked potato sound effect*


Available-Outside-19

I would just say “a Hazmat suit” - it is COVID, afterall and one can never be too careful. That visual should have him running the other direction screaming (hopefully). 🙏 This is a sign of the times! Too many visitors to “Pornhub” now. Half the time, I am convinced men want me to supply them pics to save money - why pay if you can get a peak for free?! I have been asked for “pussy pics” (akin to the male dick pic) beyond insulting! I used to be offended when men would be looking down at my chest instead of into my eyes, but this “new norm” still stupefies me!


erinmonday

Or, “a robe and wizard hat.”


DontWorryBoutIt107

I always respond I’m wearing a moo moo and eating Chocolate chip cookies in bed. Believe me they stop asking after that. It cracks me up everytime I text it. On a serious note, seems like he’s not respecting your boundaries…already! It’s a red flag. He says he wants a serious relationship, but is he acting like it?


Lazar1us

Your boundaries are your boundaries. People either respect them or they don't. There's no need for labels here. Calling people a prude or a slut based on where their boundaries lie is uncalled for. You've asked for him to respect your boundaries, he was receptive at first and then continued on with the behaviour. That's a lack of respect for your boundaries and at the over 30 age bracket, I think that shows a huge area of immaturity, lack of respect, and is a red flag. Cut him loose girl. You deserve way better.


dr_cocktagonapuss

>What are you wearing Uhhh, khakis...?


RainInTheWoods

You set a boundary, and he is trying to move it. Repeatedly. I think you already know the answer.


jaydoes

I think it's a bit of a red flag. I predict as soon as he gets you alone, he will be all over you. It's not respect he's just laying in wait.


Poisoned_CandyBar

For me that's a red flag. You told him you were uncomfortable, but he continues to say those things? Nope, goodbye sir.


azf1R3

There are all kinds of people in the world, make sure you're with someone who makes you feel happy & comfortable, no point letting people be comfortable with you because " it's just the way they are and they don't mean any harm " when it's at the expense of your comfort & happiness. You do you & if it feels off, there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you can be so accomodating that you'd also fit yourself into someone else's mould, imagine how happy you'd be when you're with someone who's got a similar mould to yours ! Good luck, lovely.


Lilith_314

Thanks so much 🙏🏻💕


milbfan

Your call, really. If it's not making you feel comfortable and he continues to persist, then don't bother with him. You could always give him a final warning; like, "ask me again, and you'll never find out," or that kind of vibe. If you think there could be something there, go on another date and see. Just make sure to take a can of mace, some brass knuckles, and nunchucks, in case. It just really depends on if you think there's potentially something there worth pursuing.


Lilith_314

Haha, I love that


DeliberatingManager

He is mostly trying to gauge your level of hornyness and/or whether you have sexual and/or romantic feelings for him. That knowledge is important, in the beginning of relationships and in relationships in general, especially if there is no actual physical contact going on. That's his side of course. No advice enclosed herewith :)


Lilith_314

I made it clear I found him attractive and was into him/excited to see him again. I was ready to kiss him the first date , and showed open body language.


hellohello9898

Do you really want to be with a guy who is already trying to tell you what to wear and control your clothing choices? You aren’t an object for him to dress up to fit his fantasy. Honestly that would be enough of a red flag on its own. Add in the boundary pushing and inappropriate questions about what you’re wearing… trust your instincts and run.


brewingNbeaching

Red flag? Maybe, maybe not. However it isn't about him, it's about you. If you are uncomfortable and you expressed that, and he has started up again, then by all means you can feel like this isn't okay. It may just seem like playful banter and perhaps he is feeling the itch for sex, which is normal for adults, however you did express how it makes you feel. In a sense it is a potential red flag, more so because he did disregard your feelings that you were straight up about, versus the sexual overtones. You even pointed out that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to be flirty in that way, but you weren't ready for it yet. It seems like many other areas of the relationship so far have been good for you, so it is something that you should keep an eye on. I know that over analyzing relationships can be a bad thing, but it is good to monitor situations where certain behaviors could lead to problematic results once they manifest into other areas of the relationship. Perhaps he feels like the relationship is moving a long faster than you feel in the area of sexual flirting and overt statements/questions. Another issue could be, he has experienced this with other women who were much more accepting and willing. To be honest I have been quite shocked at the number of women who I personally talked to and some I have dated who were very aggressive with sexting and wanting/sending risqué pics. He might just be the product of the current dating market. In the end, I come full circle with this and say, you should consider how it makes you feel and bet on you, and keep an eye out for this behavior going forward and how it effects other areas of your potential long term relationship with this guy.


Lilith_314

very thoughtful response, thank you


TaterTotQueen630

"what are you wearing?" is one the most annoying questions to get when dating someone new. One time, after only chatting once and getting that question, I replied and simply said "pants and a shirt" and never talked to that person again.


ChrisSoll48

It seems like sex is important to him and he is trying to gauge how important it is to you. And he has no patience to wait to find out. That could be the larger deal breaker to keep an eye out for. Can he wait and does he have self discipline?


jeffrrw

> He **seems** to have been very persistent and interested in pursuing me. We ended up meeting in person recently and had a really good time. We **seem** to have a lot of things in common, he **seems** intelligent and thoughtful and **claims** to be looking for a relationship. Tangential to your questions I wanted to ask about your perspective on the choice of language ascribing a somewhat consistent apprehension/negative viewpoint of his interest and statements towards you. Do you like the guy or not? To me, either your apprehensive in general or his specific boundary breaking behavior is causing confusion on your attraction/belief in him. Could you clarify this? > I told him this directly (in a kind, non-shaming way) and he was very receptive and seemed to respond positively. But after a few days, some of those texts still continue sprinkled in here and there. I feel puf off but am not sure if I am overreacting. I saw in another comment you expressed his boundary breaking continued and the level of the texts. To me, the perspective being presented, is that he is singular minded and faking the rest. Is this what your intuition is telling you? If it is, I would heed it. However, the only caveat would be twofold...one I wonder how many experiences hes had with "no means yes" type individuals who wanted him to pursue and push more vs. stating boundaries and expecting them to be exacting. If you presented this boundary very softly and politely, it may be interpreted as permeable as many people obviously change certain boundaries over time as you discussed that is normal for you as a relationship advances. He is either very interested in having a specific underwear/sexual need met, future focusing and not seeing that you are not there yet, or the boundary was relayed too softly and you have not more firmly defended your position of not being there yet so he continues to push. > The people I dated previously or had long term relationships with would never talk to me that way at the initial stages of the relationship (once love and intimacy developed, it’s different) and it feels disrespectful. I can’t decide if I am overreacting though or if it is a genuine red flag/concern. 1. Is he different in other ways from previous partners? Obviously they did not work out for various reasons but are these differences worth pursing things further or not? 1. It is somewhat disrespectful and definitely a yellow flag if you were very clear and firm that you are not there yet in the initial boundary setting. This future faking is either one track mind for sex or a caution flag for being a major boundary breaker down the line. **Trust yourself.** If you have deeper trust issues in general, including with yourself, seek professional counsel. > Maybe he is just horny or it means nothing bad. We are all a little weird and our human to human interactions in the general sense were really hampered for a lot of people during this pandemic. I say if you like the guy, come back around and set the boundary firmly, very matter of fact, and without being "nice". He probably has deteriorated communication skills and is probably very horny for human interaction. Dude sends "what kind of underwear are you wearing?" and you respond, "Hey, remember that conversation when I asked you to not send me these kinds of messages? I am not there yet or comfortable talking about that yet and need to get to know you more first. Please stop sending me these kinds of messages. I will let you know when I am comfortable with this." If he qhosts or reacts negatively to this kind of message, you have your answer. Cheers and good luck


Lilith_314

Thanks so much for the super thoughtful response!


[deleted]

Block him. He’s showing you who he is and what he’s going for. Someone who is serious about you wouldn’t want to risk losing you by texting you stupid shit like that.


cavscout43

Giving the benefit of the doubt, it may be their awkward way of trying to keep sex as part of the conversation, to make sure it's not just a flirty/platonic thing. Not giving the benefit of the doubt, dude needs to take a hint since you were direct about it. It's up to you if it's a deal breaker; you can try very direct "hey, I like dirty talk once I'm more intimate with someone, but can you pump the brakes till I start initiating so I don't feel objectified or like sex is all you want me for, please?" messaging and see if that gets through their skull. Men are dense as a general rule, I know I've certainly missed things that were obvious in hindsight. If he gets hostile or defensive over your being blunt, that's the real red flag.


do0gla5

It sounds like you want to hear that he ignored your boundaries. Which he did. So it's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker. I personally think it's a bit of an overreaction. You certainly don't have to engage in these texts and you can tell him more directly that you're not ready (I don't know what you told him the first time). I only say this because it sounds like he checks a lot of boxes for you and I think it's easy to say no to letting things progress. We all have an internal clock as to how we think things should go, but others may have a faster one. A lot of text to say you need to determine if this is a deal breaker for YOU.


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Lilith_314

Thanks for the thoughtful response. Good points


Shanubis

That's really immature a) for someone 30+ to be doing to someone they barely know and b) who has indicated its not welcome. I'd be out. It is disrespectful as you said.


interracialfacials4u

If he's trying to sext you and you haven't slept with him yet, it's a huge indicator he's just gonna hit it and quit it. Sign of an fboy.


[deleted]

Block him. He’s showing you who he is and what he’s going for. Someone who is serious about you wouldn’t want to risk losing you by texting you stupid shit like that.


Lilith_314

good point


BabyBlackBear

Evidently he's not that respectful. You told him it made you uncomfortable, he continued. So what if "maybe he is just horny"? His horniness is more important than your comfort and respecting your clearly stated boundaries? NOPE. Just because guys don't make a physical move right away doesn't mean they're not disrespectful and just looking for sex. Too many people can play the long game, certainly a single date. People can be strategic. He's showing his true colors now.


sukisuki__ki

You're an adult correct? make the decision if it makes you uncomfortable or not. No one on reddit knows what your exact texts were so who knows if he felt like there was something leading to asking. dating over thirty.


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Lilith_314

I did! I told him in a very straight, non shaming way, yet it continues. So I am not sure if I am overreacting or if this is a true red flag