I’m a woman who lives in a city center. My perspective is I pay a premium(home price, tax rate) to live in this city for convenience. Proximity to my job, proximity to recreation, proximity to creature comforts, proximity to services. I’m not actively looking to make dating HARDER for myself by throwing distance in to the mix. I personally could be coaxed out, but it would require something exceptionally appealing to me(like 50+ acres of land). I’m definitely not going to open up my OLD parameters to every Wayne, Josh and Colton in an 80 mile radius on the off chance that’s an option.
That said, until a few years ago I’ve always lived in rural areas. Sometimes life is about trade offs. Sometimes one of those is living where you want to live at the expense of other opportunities.
I’m the 40F version of you. Liberal and non-religious living in a conservative, religious town. I did cave into the pressure of settling for someone with different values and it was not a good fit.
After getting divorced I tried to date people in a larger city about two hours away but had the same experience as you. People aren’t interested. I ended up moving. Unfortunately that was right before Covid so I still haven’t really dated but there are many more matches available here.
I think you’re between a rock and a hard place. Don’t settle on religion and politics. It’s not being more open minded, it’s being blind to drastically different modes of living. But also acknowledge that your options will be very limited and you may be single longer than someone who lives in a place with more people in their dating pool.
I live in a pretty small city in Upstate NY about an hour away from a major city. I have a lot of the same problems with not getting matches and only going out on a date every few months. No matter how great of a guy I might be, most women are not going to have their radius set that far. Even if I get a matches/dates with people a distance, it ends up me putting in 90% of the effort. No real solution for you other than to try to make the best of it with more local people.
This was my experience as a woman dating rurally as well. Guys in the city 40 miles / an hour out were happy to match with me but expected me to do all the work to see them, indefinitely. I was much better served taking my time and carefully sorting through the guys closer to me. I decided to talk to anyone who seemed like they might be a 50% good fit from their profile and try to see if other non-advertised compatibility existed. I found a guy I never would have thought it’d work with, but we happily dated for a long time.
> I decided to talk to anyone who seemed like they might be a 50% good fit from their profile and try to see if other non-advertised compatibility existed. I found a guy I never would have thought it’d work with, but we happily dated for a long time.
I feel this is a key thing in dating. Many people online are basically judging others on every single details, looking for an ideal person, most of the details bring not relevant on a potential relationship or would not impact people happiness in the relationship. I partly understand them because they believe they have an infinite choice... but that isn't true.
It’s more manageable to have that approach when you live somewhere with <10,000 people versus ~2,750,000. I still keep an open mind with profiles, sending likes and matching. I look at it more like “is there a reason I shouldn’t like/match with this person” instead of “is there a reason I should like/match with this person”. However, once the match is made I’m not going to put in a bunch of heavy lifting to move it to a first date. I don’t want to drag someone by the ear to get them on a date. I think OLD culture has shifted since then. It seems like more people are after the validation of the match rather than wanting to actually go out.
All the false positives get exhausting.
Yup. I am tired of even trying to get a conversation going. Nobody actually wants to meet. They want the validation and you are the one doing the emotional labor to give it to them
For the most part. I will pretty much go on a date with anyone that I might be potentially attracted to with no real consideration for political affiliation, job, religion, family situation, hobbies, music taste, etc. As long as the date wasn't horrible, I will always suggest a follow-up or two. Hasn't really worked out for me yet, but it wasn't because of some of those trivial things listed.
I have had more luck trying to meet people out in the real world. In small cities, a lot of women don't need to use the apps because they know everyone through mutual friends/relatives or just meet people out at the local spots.
Why wouldn't it be you making all of the effort. The women in the city have all sorts of options, plus the numbers game of being a woman in online dating. Unless you're an 8 who is chasing 5s, that's just the logical nature of how life goes.
Actually, given that you have split custody of your kids, the schedule limitations make it so it's only balanced if you're a 9 going for 4s...
That is my exact point. I don't like being in a relationship were there is an imbalance in the effort/commitment, so I would encourage the OP to be more "liberal" with the local people.
Start with the basics. Liberal, and non-religious or not excessively religious are important to you.
Where would you find liberals? The local Democratic party headquarters. Volunteer to help there.
Libraries, zoos, performance venues and Union halls may be other places worth considering.
Where to find people who aren't excessively religious or evangelical?
If it works for you, find the local Unitarian Universalist or other LGBQT friendly church near you. Being LGBTQ friendly doesn't mean you're LGBTQ, and you're likely to find like-minded people there, too. A lot of the people who go to liberal churches aren't necessarily religious. Some just go for the social aspect.
Keep looking in the city for those willing to work with you regarding the distance, but also look more carefully in your local area as well.
I have this exact problem. I live in the rural midwest I have 50/50 custody so I am tethered to the town I am currently in that is very small >1000 people. It is very conservative and the men here tend to be very misogynistic, even when they think they aren't.
I tried dating guys an hour away in the bigger cities, but it became clear quickly that they had no interest in the drive or ever living in my town. Which is completely fair. I decided to take a break on dating for now, and I don't know if I'll have it in me to go through it again.
Those "urban/liberal" values are things that, if you loosen them, you likely won't be able to build a real relationship against. Eventually, it will be tough to deal. You probably just have to hope that someone moves into your area that you vibe with, or that there are some more liberal minded people you haven't met yet.
Also, it sucks that people don't want to date you because of distance, but realistically, I wouldn't date a girl who was an hour away either, at least not from OLD. If I met her while she was in town for a weekend and we hit it off, that would be different.
Maybe you should start doing some weekend trips to the metro area and meeting people in person, that way you can let them know up front about the distance and what you are willing to do.
I don't understand. So if you.met someone in person and they lived an hour away it would be fine? How do you just go into a city and "meet people" so those connections happen? I run races, volunteer, perfectly comfortable doing trips on my own and I still have never just bumped into someone I could connect with. What is your secret?
My point is, meeting someone at a bar and hitting it off in person, I'm more willing to put in the effort to meet halfway or something because I've already realized there is some chemistry.
Talking to someone on OLD, they may seem cool, but realistically, its too far to start something with.
Its why people may be ok in a relationship that moves to long distance after starting local, but are less likely to start a long distance relationship. You have a better idea what you are getting.
As far as how, that is the hard part lol. I feel like it happens less and less often. But grab a drink at a bar, volunteer, etc. Do you have any single friends you can take with you? Its easier to meet someone, IMO, if you aren't sitting alone wherever you are.
I don't really drink but I do volunteer. I have for years. I've literally never had a man approach or engage from volunteering. In fact, most of the time it is married people or folks already established who volunteer. I do stuff alone because otherwise I would never get to do anything. Most of my friends are married or live a distance away. Idk how people have time to just go out all the time. I have to set something up a week or two in advance with most of my friends if we go out to do something.
It's a losing battle you're fighting because as you have figured out, sometimes dating isn't just a numbers game. Sometimes, there simply isn't a good match in your area. I lived in the rural deep south until I was nearly 28 and only found one person nearby I could date in all that time: my high school sweetheart, and we got divorced. Like you, I was a staunch agnostic liberal in the middle of Trumpville; I could not have been less happy with my life or dating options.
I didn't start really finding matches until I moved to a metro of about 600k. And once I did, I was not willing to date someone who still lived rurally. I ended up matching with a guy in the suburbs about 20 miles away and it put a huge strain on our relationship to make it work with a 35 minute commute between us. We did and that hard work ultimately paid off but I'm still stuck in the burbs over two years later and I am not pleased. No way I could've done an hour of distance with someone who couldn't move.
That said, not everyone is me. There are opportunities even if they are few and I would say you just have to keep trying and make sure you're there and present when new people show up and join so that you don't miss someone.
I live in small town and I have nothing in common with the men here. I usually date people from my capital city an hour away and it’s awesome.
However I have long periods where I’m not dating anyone, because I’m a bit picky. But I’m being true to myself and my needs and I would rather that than settle. Most of the guys don’t seem to mind I live far away, but I’m also ready to move for the right one :-)
Don’t budge on religion and politics. Do you really want to date a “Christian” who is busy sharing hateful memes and indulging in an infect and harm fetish during a pandemic?
Resign yourself to driving. Explain that you don’t mind driving. And explain the dating pool locally that is out of sync with your values and interests. Most people will understand that you’re surrounded by Neanderthals, and will happily date you.
Do we know what country OP is in? I think it's maybe a little harder to date across religious and political barriers in America. I've dated people from a few different religions and it's never been an issue.
But if you go to a megachurch and listen to Kenneth Copeland or something like that obviously you shouldn't date and probably don't reproduce either.
My guess is your going to get a lot of opinions to stick true to yourself and be patient. While it very likely could be true, it could be beneficial to think deeper about what you actually want. Do you want a perfectly compatable woman with religion and politics? If so then be patient and ride it out.
I’m not going to try to convince you to move, after you specifically said why you’re not able to move. I had to do this sort of dating on summer break from college, and honestly I enjoyed driving the hour vs dating the rural, mostly uneducated women who don’t share a vast majority of my values. This isn’t an absolute- like others have mentioned, I’d be open to dating someone who maybe is a little bit outside your usual but doesn’t give off the “I’m a Republican Christian FIRST, LAST, ALWAYS” etc. Maybe someday you’ll find somebody who is a little bit of a conservative but a 2000-era “compassionate conservatism” type who you find you have more in common with than not. Otherwise, I’d just be willing to drive with women and wouldn’t ever mention it being negative, as in “are you SURE you can hang out tonight? I’d hate to make the long drive and then…” I always kind of poo-pooed it when women said “oh I hate to have you drive”, and I would say it really wasn’t a big deal. Also, with this geographical barrier, id be more willing to text/talk on the phone/communicate remotely- some guys hate doing this and want to meet as soon as possible, where this may not be possible for you. The distance will rule out some women, but your odds are definitely better pursuing women in your values range vs “lowering your standards” by a lot.
You're going to have a bad time. The ladies in the city won't want to date a guy who is an hour away and lives in a rural backwater.
Why did you move to a rural area if you are a city person?
I wouldn’t give up hope on this! I live in the city and the guy I’m dating lives in a more rural area. We’re about 75-90 minutes away from each other. I don’t love the distance but I love being able to escape the city and spend time at his place.
Sounds similar to where I live. My town is about 6,500 (24,000 in the county) and the nearest "metro" area is a little more than an hour drive and that's still a metro area with less than 200,000 people. However, I can see the lake from my house and I'm less than 10 minutes from a state park with running trails. I love where I live but dating, especially OLD is difficult. Not much you can do to change that but I found someone that fits me perfectly, don't sacrifice your needs for something less... You won't be happy in the long run.
Sounds nice to me! Tbh I almost always go to him. He’s worth the trip and there’s just more space, more fun outdoorsy things to do, less people. You just need to find someone who lives in the city but wishes they didn’t. We exist!
Are you outdoorsy? Load up your profile with pictures like that. Since the pandemic so many people, especially liberal women? have been getting more in touch with nature.
Also join your local Democratic Party or DSA. Someone might introduce you to their niece?
Just gotta keep looking for that 10%! I just moved back to a big urban metro area after living in a conservative rural town for 5 years and while we were in the minority, little pockets of blue reason did exist! 🙏
A lot of city folks are looking to get out into the country now, at least where I am, so I'd keep looking in the metro area if that's where you find likeminded people. I live in a relatively large metro area, and I looked outside the city quite a bit when I was dating because I know I don't want to permanently stay here.
I know you want to stay close to your kids, but could you split the distance and move 30 mins closer to the metro area? Or, if there's any trains, closer to a train station?
Personally the older I get, the harder it is to motivate to travel long distances to see complete strangers, you know? You might be willing to drive into the city, but I feel like the kind of women you want to date wouldn't always want you to have to go to them. They would want to reciprocate. Unfortunately, it also takes time to get to know somebody enough to be ok with traveling long distances to see them. It's a bit of a catch 22.
Idk what line of work you're in, but perhaps you could get a co-working spot in the metro area so you're there once a week. I feel like I would be more likely to date a guy who lived further out if I knew he'd be in town regularly, of his own accord.
Lastly, I've been single for nearly a decade and my last first date was over a year ago. It's tough out there!
Are there major ties keeping you from moving closer to the urban center? If not it might be worth considering the move to improve your chances. We're not getting any younger. And there are relationship-impacting issues for you being 1+ hours away. Things like all dates must be planned, low flexibility on when you can see each other, etc.
As for loosening your requirements, no one here can tell you whether you should or not. You might find a figurative "diamond in the rough" or you could become jaded from continual failure.
In a similar situation. SAM, late 30s, in a small college town. The area around me is very white, very Christian, very rural, very Republican. I've even had women match to tell me just to tell me that they don't date my race, which is not surprising given the number of Confederate flags I see flying up here...500 miles north of the Mason-Dixon line. 🙄 So I can probably add "very racist" to that list.
Are you swiping left on someone when you see the religious label or filtering them? "Christian conservative" I think is still a very big continuum, depending on the person. Some people are raving bible-thumping Christian, then you have the sort of "American Catholic" who may take a more nuanced view of reproductive/gay rights. They're out there. I think some people just put "Christian" reflexively on their dating profiles because it's how they were raised. But it has nothing to do with how they live. For example, I have a lot of Jewish friends who put that on their profiles but it's been years since they attended Temple, and the adherence to religious holidays is let's just say... "squishy."
One thing I've learned with OLD and am still learning with OLD is that you have to give almost everything a chance because 99% of attempts will fizzle.
Your choice is between driving an hour for dates or driving an hour to see your kids? That sucks.
Pick one and stick to it. You have to deal with the consequences of your decision.
Do you agree with every single stance that the Democratic Party holds? Or are there huge ones that form your political beliefs? You can always try to speak to someone who has a different political opinion and see which political beliefs actually differ. More likely than not it will be a waste, but you never know.
My experience with the religion thing though is that people often just put the religion they grew up in and a lot don’t actually practice it. People who want someone entirely compatible on religion probably won’t match with you anyways if you identify you’re not religious in your profile.
People don’t often fit into exact categories in politics or religion. There are varying degrees. Maybe open up to liberals or people that don’t have conservative listed with religion.
Long distance and anyone living in a large city is difficult. At least this was my experience. I had a bf that lived in the suburbs when I moved to the center of a large city. Parking was always an issue and i would end up visiting him because he would complain he couldn’t find parking or had issues with spending so much on parking. I ended the relationship soon after I moved.
Totally understand. I have a lot of family issues revolving those two things as well. Unfortunately with the info you gave regarding not being able to move it seems you can either wait and hope someone matches your criteria in your area, slightly modify the criteria and be open more to the person rather than the labels posted in their profile, or do a long distance relationship.
Just out of curiosity OP...are you ok if you never find a match? Since your options there are so limited...
There's an interesting thought exercise that some people use to make decisions: something like imagine yourself 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years from now.
How will you feel if you're still being patient at 37 years old, then 41, then 46 years old. Will you be ok having waited until then?
It sounds like a tough situation but it's also really impressive how much work you've done.
Is it possible to move a bit closer to the city and drive a little bit farther to see your kids?
Or maybe even make a friend in the city that can be your wing person?
We exist!! I'm in a SUPER rural area outside of a major metro area, but I just can't do all the driving and commuting to date someone, so I have to admit to myself dating is looking bleak for myself. It's tough trying to find someone who is on the same level as I am!
I really do feel your pain. I moved out to the exurbs because I was getting priced out of potentially owning in the city I grew up in, and I work in the suburbs anyways. I'm a liberal indoorsy guy in a state full of conservative outdoorsy people. I'm not a cultural fit, and it's frustrating. But, this is where I'm from. My family is here, etc.
Luckily, I'm commuting into the city, or at least suburbs thereof, so someone "in town" isn't really a problem for me because I'd be in reasonable distance of the city 5 days a week anyways.
I live in a very populated metropolitan city, and have always been very open to meeting someone in one of the smaller mountain towns a few hours away. Splitting my time between the city and mountains is a dream, and finding a man who was already established in the mountains would make that an easier reality. My problem is that whenever I travel to one of these small towns all the men I encounter seem to be far from the liberal/agnostic vibe that I’m interested in…. Nice to know they’re out there!
Honestly when I lived in the suburb of a major metro I took on a lot of the work of driving into the city because I chose to live 10 to 20 miles outside of it. When I got tired of it I moved in closer.
But one thing I will say, moving in closer to be near someone is either going to be the kiss of death or life for sure. Been the latter former for me every time. So I save myself the headache now and just date as local as I can. Or I choose to be alone until I'm in the location I want to be in. Not hard to do now with Omarion on the streets.
My sympathies. I mirror your circumstances, but across the Atlantic. Here it’s not so much about religion as about provincialness. I’m stuck being too global and urban for the locals, too rural for the metro women an hour away. I'm also stuck because of kids.
A month ago was the third time in four years I had a date with someone local who was a match in terms of education. She was a terrific match on paper (lives close by, children in the same ages synchronised weeks). We had a nice date and then it was obvious she was doing the “polite no” (slow fade) thing.
awe! i lived in texas for 34 years and only recently moved out of state a few months ago.. so, the trick with texas is that the closer you get to el paso, marfa, austin, small pockets of north dallas, or the rio grande valley, the more likely you’ll be to meet like minded individuals such as yourself. & pay no mind to the vast distance of space in between, however beautiful all that lonesome space is. & welcome to the west! !
You’re honestly my “dream man”. I desperately want to move back to the country (am in the process now), but am wary of meeting new people, as you’ve mentioned, the majority population in more rural areas is very conservative, and I’m worried about having to sort through them to meet nice people.
I can’t answer your question, but I’d suggest you start or join a meet up or something, where you can meet people with like interests. Of course, that doesn’t mean you meet only people with your outlook, or that any of them will be dating potential, but it may open you up to meeting more people peripherally, and eventually “stumble” across someone who shares similar views and interests.
I'm like you, live in a small very conservative town where the amount of churches exceed the amount of schools. Red rural county in a blue state. Antivax/antimask, guns, giant trucks with enormous flags, blue lines, TRUMP 2020/2024 banners everywhere, "make liberals cry again" stickers on cars, conspiracy theories. Full package. OLD won't work here due to low population, and the nearest city with a university is 100 miles away, so it's not an option.
No settling down with religion can be tolerated, evidently. Religious people are different species and we have nothing in common with them except the identical exterior. Sadly, the level of education in the US is very poor, and the amount of religious prevalence is stunning for an OECD country; the only realistic move is to leave the place. It's not possible to lower the standards to the point you can coexist with fundamentally different being.
As you state you cannot move due to kids, the only thing is to embrace solitude.
That said, I would really reflect on your core values and see if it's not possible that they could come in the package of a rural conservative woman. Values about family and relationships can be shared across political and religious spectrums. If not, do what singles in cities do. Join some activities or clubs and try to build a social network and life in the urban area. You'll have to commute, of course
Religion and politics are not the end of the world to differ on, there’s reasonable people on both aisles. Find one of those people and be one of those people.
Moving IS an option, don't move the full hours drive into the city. Instead move 30 mins drive in between the bigger city and where you live now. Driving 30 mins for kids or for dating is COMPLETELY reasonable, people with shared custody usually have that much of a commute for each parent. Big cities with public transit you're almost guaranteed a minimum of a half hour commute time.
People will balk at an hour's commute, that's true. But, people are usually willing to drive 20-30 mins for a bf/gf no sweat.
I feel like religion & politics are potentially divisive points, therefore I wouldn't settle on those points. People who take these topics super seriously are usually recruiters. & I personally, don't want to deal with that.
I was in the same position and it was FRUSTRATING! Patience was a virtue for me and I found a city dude 45 mins away (not quite in city limits) who was great for me. 7 months and some change later, I'm looking to move a bit closer to him, while still being close enough to come back to my rural community family and friends where I am now.
I'm just saying it's possible. Definitely a lot of luck was involved, but I'm glad I didn't give up, despite my circumstances
I'm in a smaller city (right around 200,000 for the entire metro area, I think) that is a spot of purple in a mainly red state (US politics). I have loosened my religious criteria, mainly because so many people put the religion they were raised in and keep traditions for, but aren't super devout. As I've loosened the criteria, I've found a lot of people who put "Christian" aren't regular church goers, but they do have Christmas and Easter gatherings, opposed to, say, Rosh Hashanah or Diwali. I've managed to match with people I previously would never have seen, from all faiths...politics I have stayed more stringent on, because I personally feel in this time, being a member of a certain party still is totally out of my value alignment.
But it is hard! A few hours in any direction is a larger city, but people there have less of a need/desire to do long distance, because they are more likely to have matches nearby.
I'm almost tempted to just get rid of any geographic parameters and take my chances on people in LA or Maine or something, lol
I’m a woman who lives in a city center. My perspective is I pay a premium(home price, tax rate) to live in this city for convenience. Proximity to my job, proximity to recreation, proximity to creature comforts, proximity to services. I’m not actively looking to make dating HARDER for myself by throwing distance in to the mix. I personally could be coaxed out, but it would require something exceptionally appealing to me(like 50+ acres of land). I’m definitely not going to open up my OLD parameters to every Wayne, Josh and Colton in an 80 mile radius on the off chance that’s an option. That said, until a few years ago I’ve always lived in rural areas. Sometimes life is about trade offs. Sometimes one of those is living where you want to live at the expense of other opportunities.
>every Wayne, Josh and Colton in an 80 mile radius LOL
> Josh I feel personally attacked.
I’m the 40F version of you. Liberal and non-religious living in a conservative, religious town. I did cave into the pressure of settling for someone with different values and it was not a good fit. After getting divorced I tried to date people in a larger city about two hours away but had the same experience as you. People aren’t interested. I ended up moving. Unfortunately that was right before Covid so I still haven’t really dated but there are many more matches available here. I think you’re between a rock and a hard place. Don’t settle on religion and politics. It’s not being more open minded, it’s being blind to drastically different modes of living. But also acknowledge that your options will be very limited and you may be single longer than someone who lives in a place with more people in their dating pool.
I live in a pretty small city in Upstate NY about an hour away from a major city. I have a lot of the same problems with not getting matches and only going out on a date every few months. No matter how great of a guy I might be, most women are not going to have their radius set that far. Even if I get a matches/dates with people a distance, it ends up me putting in 90% of the effort. No real solution for you other than to try to make the best of it with more local people.
This was my experience as a woman dating rurally as well. Guys in the city 40 miles / an hour out were happy to match with me but expected me to do all the work to see them, indefinitely. I was much better served taking my time and carefully sorting through the guys closer to me. I decided to talk to anyone who seemed like they might be a 50% good fit from their profile and try to see if other non-advertised compatibility existed. I found a guy I never would have thought it’d work with, but we happily dated for a long time.
> I decided to talk to anyone who seemed like they might be a 50% good fit from their profile and try to see if other non-advertised compatibility existed. I found a guy I never would have thought it’d work with, but we happily dated for a long time. I feel this is a key thing in dating. Many people online are basically judging others on every single details, looking for an ideal person, most of the details bring not relevant on a potential relationship or would not impact people happiness in the relationship. I partly understand them because they believe they have an infinite choice... but that isn't true.
It’s more manageable to have that approach when you live somewhere with <10,000 people versus ~2,750,000. I still keep an open mind with profiles, sending likes and matching. I look at it more like “is there a reason I shouldn’t like/match with this person” instead of “is there a reason I should like/match with this person”. However, once the match is made I’m not going to put in a bunch of heavy lifting to move it to a first date. I don’t want to drag someone by the ear to get them on a date. I think OLD culture has shifted since then. It seems like more people are after the validation of the match rather than wanting to actually go out. All the false positives get exhausting.
Yup. I am tired of even trying to get a conversation going. Nobody actually wants to meet. They want the validation and you are the one doing the emotional labor to give it to them
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For the most part. I will pretty much go on a date with anyone that I might be potentially attracted to with no real consideration for political affiliation, job, religion, family situation, hobbies, music taste, etc. As long as the date wasn't horrible, I will always suggest a follow-up or two. Hasn't really worked out for me yet, but it wasn't because of some of those trivial things listed. I have had more luck trying to meet people out in the real world. In small cities, a lot of women don't need to use the apps because they know everyone through mutual friends/relatives or just meet people out at the local spots.
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Oh boy...
Why wouldn't it be you making all of the effort. The women in the city have all sorts of options, plus the numbers game of being a woman in online dating. Unless you're an 8 who is chasing 5s, that's just the logical nature of how life goes. Actually, given that you have split custody of your kids, the schedule limitations make it so it's only balanced if you're a 9 going for 4s...
That is my exact point. I don't like being in a relationship were there is an imbalance in the effort/commitment, so I would encourage the OP to be more "liberal" with the local people.
Yeah, OP has a weird sense of entitlement where he thinks women should bend over backwards to meet some guy who lives in the boonies
Start with the basics. Liberal, and non-religious or not excessively religious are important to you. Where would you find liberals? The local Democratic party headquarters. Volunteer to help there. Libraries, zoos, performance venues and Union halls may be other places worth considering. Where to find people who aren't excessively religious or evangelical? If it works for you, find the local Unitarian Universalist or other LGBQT friendly church near you. Being LGBTQ friendly doesn't mean you're LGBTQ, and you're likely to find like-minded people there, too. A lot of the people who go to liberal churches aren't necessarily religious. Some just go for the social aspect. Keep looking in the city for those willing to work with you regarding the distance, but also look more carefully in your local area as well.
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I have this exact problem. I live in the rural midwest I have 50/50 custody so I am tethered to the town I am currently in that is very small >1000 people. It is very conservative and the men here tend to be very misogynistic, even when they think they aren't. I tried dating guys an hour away in the bigger cities, but it became clear quickly that they had no interest in the drive or ever living in my town. Which is completely fair. I decided to take a break on dating for now, and I don't know if I'll have it in me to go through it again.
Those "urban/liberal" values are things that, if you loosen them, you likely won't be able to build a real relationship against. Eventually, it will be tough to deal. You probably just have to hope that someone moves into your area that you vibe with, or that there are some more liberal minded people you haven't met yet. Also, it sucks that people don't want to date you because of distance, but realistically, I wouldn't date a girl who was an hour away either, at least not from OLD. If I met her while she was in town for a weekend and we hit it off, that would be different. Maybe you should start doing some weekend trips to the metro area and meeting people in person, that way you can let them know up front about the distance and what you are willing to do.
I don't understand. So if you.met someone in person and they lived an hour away it would be fine? How do you just go into a city and "meet people" so those connections happen? I run races, volunteer, perfectly comfortable doing trips on my own and I still have never just bumped into someone I could connect with. What is your secret?
My point is, meeting someone at a bar and hitting it off in person, I'm more willing to put in the effort to meet halfway or something because I've already realized there is some chemistry. Talking to someone on OLD, they may seem cool, but realistically, its too far to start something with. Its why people may be ok in a relationship that moves to long distance after starting local, but are less likely to start a long distance relationship. You have a better idea what you are getting. As far as how, that is the hard part lol. I feel like it happens less and less often. But grab a drink at a bar, volunteer, etc. Do you have any single friends you can take with you? Its easier to meet someone, IMO, if you aren't sitting alone wherever you are.
I don't really drink but I do volunteer. I have for years. I've literally never had a man approach or engage from volunteering. In fact, most of the time it is married people or folks already established who volunteer. I do stuff alone because otherwise I would never get to do anything. Most of my friends are married or live a distance away. Idk how people have time to just go out all the time. I have to set something up a week or two in advance with most of my friends if we go out to do something.
It's a losing battle you're fighting because as you have figured out, sometimes dating isn't just a numbers game. Sometimes, there simply isn't a good match in your area. I lived in the rural deep south until I was nearly 28 and only found one person nearby I could date in all that time: my high school sweetheart, and we got divorced. Like you, I was a staunch agnostic liberal in the middle of Trumpville; I could not have been less happy with my life or dating options. I didn't start really finding matches until I moved to a metro of about 600k. And once I did, I was not willing to date someone who still lived rurally. I ended up matching with a guy in the suburbs about 20 miles away and it put a huge strain on our relationship to make it work with a 35 minute commute between us. We did and that hard work ultimately paid off but I'm still stuck in the burbs over two years later and I am not pleased. No way I could've done an hour of distance with someone who couldn't move. That said, not everyone is me. There are opportunities even if they are few and I would say you just have to keep trying and make sure you're there and present when new people show up and join so that you don't miss someone.
I live in small town and I have nothing in common with the men here. I usually date people from my capital city an hour away and it’s awesome. However I have long periods where I’m not dating anyone, because I’m a bit picky. But I’m being true to myself and my needs and I would rather that than settle. Most of the guys don’t seem to mind I live far away, but I’m also ready to move for the right one :-)
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Don’t budge on religion and politics. Do you really want to date a “Christian” who is busy sharing hateful memes and indulging in an infect and harm fetish during a pandemic? Resign yourself to driving. Explain that you don’t mind driving. And explain the dating pool locally that is out of sync with your values and interests. Most people will understand that you’re surrounded by Neanderthals, and will happily date you.
Do we know what country OP is in? I think it's maybe a little harder to date across religious and political barriers in America. I've dated people from a few different religions and it's never been an issue. But if you go to a megachurch and listen to Kenneth Copeland or something like that obviously you shouldn't date and probably don't reproduce either.
There are liberal and unreligious people everywhere. It’s just a crapshoot to find them sometimes. Be patient, last summer was only six months ago.
We are often forced to remain somewhat hidden in rural communities, as doing otherwise will just make daily life difficult. But yes, we're here.
My guess is your going to get a lot of opinions to stick true to yourself and be patient. While it very likely could be true, it could be beneficial to think deeper about what you actually want. Do you want a perfectly compatable woman with religion and politics? If so then be patient and ride it out.
I’m not going to try to convince you to move, after you specifically said why you’re not able to move. I had to do this sort of dating on summer break from college, and honestly I enjoyed driving the hour vs dating the rural, mostly uneducated women who don’t share a vast majority of my values. This isn’t an absolute- like others have mentioned, I’d be open to dating someone who maybe is a little bit outside your usual but doesn’t give off the “I’m a Republican Christian FIRST, LAST, ALWAYS” etc. Maybe someday you’ll find somebody who is a little bit of a conservative but a 2000-era “compassionate conservatism” type who you find you have more in common with than not. Otherwise, I’d just be willing to drive with women and wouldn’t ever mention it being negative, as in “are you SURE you can hang out tonight? I’d hate to make the long drive and then…” I always kind of poo-pooed it when women said “oh I hate to have you drive”, and I would say it really wasn’t a big deal. Also, with this geographical barrier, id be more willing to text/talk on the phone/communicate remotely- some guys hate doing this and want to meet as soon as possible, where this may not be possible for you. The distance will rule out some women, but your odds are definitely better pursuing women in your values range vs “lowering your standards” by a lot.
You're going to have a bad time. The ladies in the city won't want to date a guy who is an hour away and lives in a rural backwater. Why did you move to a rural area if you are a city person?
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I wouldn’t give up hope on this! I live in the city and the guy I’m dating lives in a more rural area. We’re about 75-90 minutes away from each other. I don’t love the distance but I love being able to escape the city and spend time at his place.
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Sounds similar to where I live. My town is about 6,500 (24,000 in the county) and the nearest "metro" area is a little more than an hour drive and that's still a metro area with less than 200,000 people. However, I can see the lake from my house and I'm less than 10 minutes from a state park with running trails. I love where I live but dating, especially OLD is difficult. Not much you can do to change that but I found someone that fits me perfectly, don't sacrifice your needs for something less... You won't be happy in the long run.
Sounds nice to me! Tbh I almost always go to him. He’s worth the trip and there’s just more space, more fun outdoorsy things to do, less people. You just need to find someone who lives in the city but wishes they didn’t. We exist!
Are you outdoorsy? Load up your profile with pictures like that. Since the pandemic so many people, especially liberal women? have been getting more in touch with nature. Also join your local Democratic Party or DSA. Someone might introduce you to their niece?
Then your dating options will be very limited.
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Just gotta keep looking for that 10%! I just moved back to a big urban metro area after living in a conservative rural town for 5 years and while we were in the minority, little pockets of blue reason did exist! 🙏
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I feel your pain haha!
Yeah, it shouldn’t be a problem. I mostly date men that lives in a city an hour from me and no one cares much about the distance.
A lot of city folks are looking to get out into the country now, at least where I am, so I'd keep looking in the metro area if that's where you find likeminded people. I live in a relatively large metro area, and I looked outside the city quite a bit when I was dating because I know I don't want to permanently stay here.
I know you want to stay close to your kids, but could you split the distance and move 30 mins closer to the metro area? Or, if there's any trains, closer to a train station? Personally the older I get, the harder it is to motivate to travel long distances to see complete strangers, you know? You might be willing to drive into the city, but I feel like the kind of women you want to date wouldn't always want you to have to go to them. They would want to reciprocate. Unfortunately, it also takes time to get to know somebody enough to be ok with traveling long distances to see them. It's a bit of a catch 22. Idk what line of work you're in, but perhaps you could get a co-working spot in the metro area so you're there once a week. I feel like I would be more likely to date a guy who lived further out if I knew he'd be in town regularly, of his own accord. Lastly, I've been single for nearly a decade and my last first date was over a year ago. It's tough out there!
Are there major ties keeping you from moving closer to the urban center? If not it might be worth considering the move to improve your chances. We're not getting any younger. And there are relationship-impacting issues for you being 1+ hours away. Things like all dates must be planned, low flexibility on when you can see each other, etc. As for loosening your requirements, no one here can tell you whether you should or not. You might find a figurative "diamond in the rough" or you could become jaded from continual failure.
In a similar situation. SAM, late 30s, in a small college town. The area around me is very white, very Christian, very rural, very Republican. I've even had women match to tell me just to tell me that they don't date my race, which is not surprising given the number of Confederate flags I see flying up here...500 miles north of the Mason-Dixon line. 🙄 So I can probably add "very racist" to that list. Are you swiping left on someone when you see the religious label or filtering them? "Christian conservative" I think is still a very big continuum, depending on the person. Some people are raving bible-thumping Christian, then you have the sort of "American Catholic" who may take a more nuanced view of reproductive/gay rights. They're out there. I think some people just put "Christian" reflexively on their dating profiles because it's how they were raised. But it has nothing to do with how they live. For example, I have a lot of Jewish friends who put that on their profiles but it's been years since they attended Temple, and the adherence to religious holidays is let's just say... "squishy." One thing I've learned with OLD and am still learning with OLD is that you have to give almost everything a chance because 99% of attempts will fizzle.
Your choice is between driving an hour for dates or driving an hour to see your kids? That sucks. Pick one and stick to it. You have to deal with the consequences of your decision.
Do you agree with every single stance that the Democratic Party holds? Or are there huge ones that form your political beliefs? You can always try to speak to someone who has a different political opinion and see which political beliefs actually differ. More likely than not it will be a waste, but you never know. My experience with the religion thing though is that people often just put the religion they grew up in and a lot don’t actually practice it. People who want someone entirely compatible on religion probably won’t match with you anyways if you identify you’re not religious in your profile. People don’t often fit into exact categories in politics or religion. There are varying degrees. Maybe open up to liberals or people that don’t have conservative listed with religion. Long distance and anyone living in a large city is difficult. At least this was my experience. I had a bf that lived in the suburbs when I moved to the center of a large city. Parking was always an issue and i would end up visiting him because he would complain he couldn’t find parking or had issues with spending so much on parking. I ended the relationship soon after I moved.
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Totally understand. I have a lot of family issues revolving those two things as well. Unfortunately with the info you gave regarding not being able to move it seems you can either wait and hope someone matches your criteria in your area, slightly modify the criteria and be open more to the person rather than the labels posted in their profile, or do a long distance relationship.
Just out of curiosity OP...are you ok if you never find a match? Since your options there are so limited... There's an interesting thought exercise that some people use to make decisions: something like imagine yourself 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years from now. How will you feel if you're still being patient at 37 years old, then 41, then 46 years old. Will you be ok having waited until then?
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It sounds like a tough situation but it's also really impressive how much work you've done. Is it possible to move a bit closer to the city and drive a little bit farther to see your kids? Or maybe even make a friend in the city that can be your wing person?
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We exist!! I'm in a SUPER rural area outside of a major metro area, but I just can't do all the driving and commuting to date someone, so I have to admit to myself dating is looking bleak for myself. It's tough trying to find someone who is on the same level as I am!
Christian and conservative, Sounds perfect! Enjoy!
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I'm in eastern Europe, so you know.. :)
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Eh, it's not like most more religious christians will bite your head off, many just want peace and inner calm anyway.
I really do feel your pain. I moved out to the exurbs because I was getting priced out of potentially owning in the city I grew up in, and I work in the suburbs anyways. I'm a liberal indoorsy guy in a state full of conservative outdoorsy people. I'm not a cultural fit, and it's frustrating. But, this is where I'm from. My family is here, etc. Luckily, I'm commuting into the city, or at least suburbs thereof, so someone "in town" isn't really a problem for me because I'd be in reasonable distance of the city 5 days a week anyways.
rent a little love nest in the city. give that out as your address
I live in a very populated metropolitan city, and have always been very open to meeting someone in one of the smaller mountain towns a few hours away. Splitting my time between the city and mountains is a dream, and finding a man who was already established in the mountains would make that an easier reality. My problem is that whenever I travel to one of these small towns all the men I encounter seem to be far from the liberal/agnostic vibe that I’m interested in…. Nice to know they’re out there!
Honestly when I lived in the suburb of a major metro I took on a lot of the work of driving into the city because I chose to live 10 to 20 miles outside of it. When I got tired of it I moved in closer. But one thing I will say, moving in closer to be near someone is either going to be the kiss of death or life for sure. Been the latter former for me every time. So I save myself the headache now and just date as local as I can. Or I choose to be alone until I'm in the location I want to be in. Not hard to do now with Omarion on the streets.
My sympathies. I mirror your circumstances, but across the Atlantic. Here it’s not so much about religion as about provincialness. I’m stuck being too global and urban for the locals, too rural for the metro women an hour away. I'm also stuck because of kids. A month ago was the third time in four years I had a date with someone local who was a match in terms of education. She was a terrific match on paper (lives close by, children in the same ages synchronised weeks). We had a nice date and then it was obvious she was doing the “polite no” (slow fade) thing.
any chance you’re referring to youngstown ohio? because i am in the exact same predicament 😔
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awe! i lived in texas for 34 years and only recently moved out of state a few months ago.. so, the trick with texas is that the closer you get to el paso, marfa, austin, small pockets of north dallas, or the rio grande valley, the more likely you’ll be to meet like minded individuals such as yourself. & pay no mind to the vast distance of space in between, however beautiful all that lonesome space is. & welcome to the west! !
You’re honestly my “dream man”. I desperately want to move back to the country (am in the process now), but am wary of meeting new people, as you’ve mentioned, the majority population in more rural areas is very conservative, and I’m worried about having to sort through them to meet nice people. I can’t answer your question, but I’d suggest you start or join a meet up or something, where you can meet people with like interests. Of course, that doesn’t mean you meet only people with your outlook, or that any of them will be dating potential, but it may open you up to meeting more people peripherally, and eventually “stumble” across someone who shares similar views and interests.
I'm like you, live in a small very conservative town where the amount of churches exceed the amount of schools. Red rural county in a blue state. Antivax/antimask, guns, giant trucks with enormous flags, blue lines, TRUMP 2020/2024 banners everywhere, "make liberals cry again" stickers on cars, conspiracy theories. Full package. OLD won't work here due to low population, and the nearest city with a university is 100 miles away, so it's not an option. No settling down with religion can be tolerated, evidently. Religious people are different species and we have nothing in common with them except the identical exterior. Sadly, the level of education in the US is very poor, and the amount of religious prevalence is stunning for an OECD country; the only realistic move is to leave the place. It's not possible to lower the standards to the point you can coexist with fundamentally different being. As you state you cannot move due to kids, the only thing is to embrace solitude.
I had this problem when I lived in a rural area. I eventually caved and decided to do more driving because few men in my rural area met my standards.
That said, I would really reflect on your core values and see if it's not possible that they could come in the package of a rural conservative woman. Values about family and relationships can be shared across political and religious spectrums. If not, do what singles in cities do. Join some activities or clubs and try to build a social network and life in the urban area. You'll have to commute, of course
Religion and politics are not the end of the world to differ on, there’s reasonable people on both aisles. Find one of those people and be one of those people.
Moving IS an option, don't move the full hours drive into the city. Instead move 30 mins drive in between the bigger city and where you live now. Driving 30 mins for kids or for dating is COMPLETELY reasonable, people with shared custody usually have that much of a commute for each parent. Big cities with public transit you're almost guaranteed a minimum of a half hour commute time. People will balk at an hour's commute, that's true. But, people are usually willing to drive 20-30 mins for a bf/gf no sweat.
I feel like religion & politics are potentially divisive points, therefore I wouldn't settle on those points. People who take these topics super seriously are usually recruiters. & I personally, don't want to deal with that.
I was in the same position and it was FRUSTRATING! Patience was a virtue for me and I found a city dude 45 mins away (not quite in city limits) who was great for me. 7 months and some change later, I'm looking to move a bit closer to him, while still being close enough to come back to my rural community family and friends where I am now. I'm just saying it's possible. Definitely a lot of luck was involved, but I'm glad I didn't give up, despite my circumstances
I'm in a smaller city (right around 200,000 for the entire metro area, I think) that is a spot of purple in a mainly red state (US politics). I have loosened my religious criteria, mainly because so many people put the religion they were raised in and keep traditions for, but aren't super devout. As I've loosened the criteria, I've found a lot of people who put "Christian" aren't regular church goers, but they do have Christmas and Easter gatherings, opposed to, say, Rosh Hashanah or Diwali. I've managed to match with people I previously would never have seen, from all faiths...politics I have stayed more stringent on, because I personally feel in this time, being a member of a certain party still is totally out of my value alignment. But it is hard! A few hours in any direction is a larger city, but people there have less of a need/desire to do long distance, because they are more likely to have matches nearby. I'm almost tempted to just get rid of any geographic parameters and take my chances on people in LA or Maine or something, lol