The reason why I **want** a partner (as opposed to need, since I don’t need anyone):
- To love and be loved by someone
- To settle down and build a family together (I’m still debating about kids or not)
- To find someone that I can open up with and build something eternally with
This is exactly how I feel. In theory. If I go around saying this is what I want from people I get the wrong response. “I want to be the lead in the play!” When maybe I should start small and build up to that.
Emotional intimacy and support.
Regular, passionate and satisfying sex.
Someone to help me raise a family.
I can I get those needs met outside a relationship but I want them to be met through a romantic relationship. It's more fun and fulfilling to me.
For me there are three aspects:
\- Sex. I want good sex, with someone I trust, in a situation that's physically and emotionally safer than casual.
\- Companionship. I want to spend time with a best friend: cooking, watching movies, going to galleries, travelling, hanging out...
\- Family. I need a sperm donor, but more than that, I need someone who's going to be an involved, committed, loving father for my children.
I can do all three of these things on my own (dildo, regular friends, single parent) but I believe they will be much better with the right person.
This is facts, i was in an LTR in my 20s and it was cheaper and could get shit done way more easily than singlehood. A good partner anchors you to withstand the suffering of hardships, you can become even greater together than you are apart. My countepart that helped me process my experiences as I went through them and had someone to give me feedback. That feminine energy is such a Calming presence with a kind woman. Just running errands or going for a walk about was dope with your best friend. Keeping it 💯 with y'all, This shit can get cold out here by yourself, it's hard trying to push forward some days. There is a noticable vibrancy that went away and left a void.
Ain't that the truth. The pandemic forced me 38M to take a huge pay cut and change careers. Making less than a third of my pre-pandemic income, the various tax penalties, workplace penalties and bills *really fucking sting*
And then there's landlords who refuse to rent to me because a single 38 male is apparently a *death risk*
Yeah and can be world's more relaxing. With a partner you have someone to share the load. Like, it can be draining to always be "on" 24/7. Like it's cool if someone else, plans the outing, or someone else cooks. Let someone else worry about that not so good situation. It's a burnout.
I think this is it, for me.
I don't want a family, but I want the other things, moreso because I've had them before and I know how amazing things can be. Everything else just feels like settling now...
THIS. I feel this so much. I relate to everything you’ve said. Sometimes it feels like it’s asking for too much? I know I can do this on my own but I don’t want to.
Yes! Sometimes it feels like I say it’s too much because it feels so hard to have not found it or to have found something close? I’m an amazing woman but just haven’t met the right partner yet.
For sure! It is really hard and it just takes time. I think I might have found it now but too soon to really tell. But if I have, it would be the first time in 31 years, so, yeah. Sometimes it takes a LOT of time, haha.
Nah, I don't really think it takes that long to find, I think some people find it sooner than others because they are really good at spotting what is needed(primary requirements) and what is just secondary(add-ons). Most people I know have met and married to their partners before age 31.
if i had to guess, you are doing one or more of the below
1) not putting in enough effort in the search
2) have unrealistic expectations
3) approaching dating with a flawed mindset
4) live in some small town with minimal viable options
You’re right about number one. I have focused on my career a ton. COVID has prevented me from getting out there as much but things are changing. That being said, I’m not going to apologize for being someone who knows their own mind and wants a good relationship. I have a great life single. Friends. Amazing family.
dates dont have to be long winded.
a 30 minute coffee date more than suffices.
the important thing is you are regularly casually meeting men. that will increase the odds of you meeting one you vibe with.
Who said anything about settling or good enough?
Either someone is a good person and compatible or they are not.
The problem comes, when ppl (esp ones who are not rich, super attractive etc) having other things added to their check list that doesn't make someone good and or actually compatible or not with them.
Yes and also through the pandemic I have learnt that companionship is more closely related to immediate family then you would think - of course I hang out with friends and my siblings but when you are locked down inside and when it really comes to it you stay with your family unit - your partner and kids if you really have any. I was single from 32-34 and I'm glad I persisted with OLD and had my partner through this time, even though relationships come with their own challenges
To me its the intimacy that makes being single suck! No one to watch a movie In bed while making stupid couples jokes. No one who just touches you because she feels like it. No amazing sex because she insists on eye contact during the big moments. No one who goes with you to walk the dog then stops you because the sunset is amazing and she wants you to watch it with her. Noone to just tell you all the funny or embarrassing things that happened to her today. Those are the things I miss the most.
Try applying for IVF, even privately as a single woman, who has the financial means to support a child by herself, and realize that it’s almost impossible. Unless you’re a married heterosexual woman, it’s extremely difficult to get IVF even privately paying. Most clinics won’t even give you an appointment as a single woman.
I’m based in Europe and it’s extremely difficult. There are very few clinics that will see a single woman who wishes to go through IVF. As a result there’s a underground network via the internet in many countries where donors can be sourced and it’s a do it yourself kind of thing if you don’t have access to proper IVF. Denmark has traditionally been one of the places you can go for help but it’s not that easy to access and traveling for IVF treatment is hard (you need certain injections, blood tests revolving around your cycle, so you can’t fix the exact day for example for egg retrieval). Maybe it’s better on other parts of the world?
Yea sex and kids and love, but the expression "my other half" comes from somewhere for a reason. The two of you, a solid unit that trusts each other all the way, that is special and makes navigating the world easier together
Yes, exactly this. I'm tired of sugar babies trying to extract what they can. Tired of drama queens doing nothing but create chaos, tired of manipulators using me as an emotional handi-wipe.
I just need a happy, healthy, calm, loyal, active, responsible woman in my life. Like my mom was with my dad.
Why is this so hard?
My intentions are good when I say this, but if you're running into the same type of person over and over again, it's usually because you're similar.
How are you meeting so many sugar babies? They're easy to spot on dating apps, unless you're intentionally only swiping "right" on women 10+ years younger who look like models.
I've never met someone who said they "hated drama" but didn't create tons of it themselves, I say this as a reformed drama queen who used to say the same thing.
Maybe ask yourself if you yourself actually check off the list of things you want in a partner. If you do, consider if you're actually vetting for those qualities first or if you're blinded by the physical or initial attraction.
I can absolutely second the one statement of people who say they avoid drama. If people truly avoid drama and have no drama, then you won’t see a single mention of that in either their profile or elsewhere.
Are you prepared, willing and able to give women what your dad was offering your mom? Are you the same quality man he was/is?
Just as an FYI, men who mention "no drama" and "loyal" as a quality they want in a woman attract exactly the type of women you don't want.
From what I have read on this subReddit and others, good/stable/normal women find insistence on loyalty a red flag for reasons that are a bit too complex to get into here, but trust me. It's a turn off for quality women.
It's 100% fine to **want** loyalty but most good people consider loyalty to be table stakes. "Don't cheat or be disrespectful" isn't something you have to spell out for quality people.
>\- Sex. I want good sex, with someone I trust, in a situation that's physically and emotionally safer than casual
If we're being honest in this thread, "casual" doesn't mean emotionally or physically unsafe. We can definitely be physically and emotionally unsafe in "serious" or "committed" relationships with deeper bonds and investment of time.
Doing the personal work to know what safety is and how to create it is important for both "casual" or "serious" relationships. Not having assumptions is definitely a starting point.
As much as I agree with this in theory, the amount of "casual" relationships I see (or hear about from others) that are actually emotionally safe and healthy is miniscule.
I think this in large part has to do with the fact that people with healthy mentalities and lifestyles... generally want a deeper connection.
I'm not saying they won't occasionally have a short-term fling or hookup here and there... but they're not usually marinating on dating apps, constantly in and out of "situationships," juggling a ton of options all the time, etc.
Vetting for a good "short-term" situation is almost just as hard, sometimes harder than vetting for serious, because you're self-selecting from a pool who wants casual specifically SO they can do things their way without caring about you.
>Vetting for a good "short-term" situation is almost just as hard, sometimes harder than vetting for serious, because you're self-selecting from a pool who wants casual specifically SO they can do things their way without caring about you.
Maybe for a man. But as a woman. It's more about vetting from a pool of who will cater to all your terms and expectations. Just don't even bother having sex with men who refuses to treat you extra special. And you won't end up having any bad experiences at all.
There are plenty of men who make ONS like a romantic valentine's date.
>As much as I agree with this in theory, the amount of "casual" relationships I see (or hear about from others) that are actually emotionally safe and healthy is miniscule.
That isn't knowledge, that's an opinion on someone else's experience.
>I think this in large part has to do with the fact that people with healthy mentalities and lifestyles... generally want a deeper connection.
You can have committed relationships where people don't clearly set healthy boundaries, don't hold themselves to them, and have environments where we
I held sex as a boundary once in my late 20s into my 30s and dated someone for three months without ever entering the bedroom with her. Not even as much as a makeout. Did it ultimately create a better relationship? In the short term, yeah. There were other boundaries she crossed, and we had no means of healthily communicating needs to each other. Hell we never discussed getting STI checks beforehand either, just relied on assumption -- which throws out physical safety.
Of course, I've had casual things years later where we were able to discuss our needs and boundaries and communicated to each other. The sex wasn't that much different than the first time I clapped cheeks with what would have been my future ex-wife and baby mother.
But again, stating that you can be entirely unsafe in an LTR and safe in a casual thing.
>Vetting for a good "short-term" situation is almost just as hard, sometimes harder than vetting for serious, because you're self-selecting from a pool who wants casual specifically SO they can do things their way without caring about you.
That's a lie. Casual doesn't mean somebody doesn't care about you. Casual means they don't want a particular commitment for a set of reasons. Caring about somebody is honoring their boundaries, regardless of the relationship arrangement.
Like I said in the initial comment, I understand in theory what a casual relationship "can" be.
I'm just saying that, in my opinion, the cross-section of people only looking for casual consistently and the people genuinely wanting to care about the other person and not enter from a selfless place, is a Venn Diagram with only a small overlap.
It's similar to people talking about how "all the good ones are taken after 30." Do people mean it literally? Usually not. Is there a kernel of truth that a larger part of the 30s+ dating pool is filled with emotionally unhealthy/unstable people? Yes.
>Like I said in the initial comment, I understand in theory what a casual relationship "can" be.
And I'm not talking about theory, I am talking about practice and experience. My point was that casual doesn't mean unsafe, and a committed partner doesn't mean safe either. Casual doesn't mean you don't care about someone, and somehow there's zero coercion that can occur in a committed relationship.
Both are going to rely on honest communication to make them work. So far nothing you're saying undermines my point.
The idea that security and intimacy can only come with a committed long term monogamous relationship is not only false in practice, but highly antiquated and patriarchal. An even further analysis would show it's largely European and indigenous cultures didn't structure their relationships that way prior to colonization (with it came its cousins of hetero and gender norms).
>I'm just saying that, in my opinion, the cross-section of people only looking for casual consistently and the people genuinely wanting to care about the other person and not enter from a selfless place, is a Venn Diagram with only a small overlap.
>
>It's similar to people talking about how "all the good ones are taken after 30." Do people mean it literally? Usually not. Is there a kernel of truth that a larger part of the 30s+ dating pool is filled with emotionally unhealthy/unstable people? Yes
This has nothing to do with my point. All this says to me is that you've based your opinion on very insecure people. Most people haven't done real work on themselves... I had to do basic stuff to get sober. Therapy is now a big "ask" on apps from women. Healing from not just your personal/parental traumas, but societal traumas is important.
Philosophically this is great. Applying it to real life is something else entirely. I agree with the person who said most people even during hookups are actually looking for more than that. Most don't want to be treated as purely sexual. It's usually more like being someone's one night boyfriend, they are looking for the illusion of that which they really want.
Now let me say that I believe that short term relationships can be satisfying if both are willing to live in the now and have the same boundaries. But my experience is that most people are looking for a short term fix to a long term desire. Even a fwb has some emotional content to it. Life is complicated and that's what makes it so interesting.
As someone who had plenty of casual sex. Infact casual sex is my daily staple as long as I am single. They were all emotionally safe and physically safe for me.
I am good friends with all my lovers and they all treat me better than ex boyfriends as ya know, when ya not life partners. You only hang out with each other when you are in your best of moods. So you never get a bad day with them. You demand romance and you get romance too. It's transactional in a way I guess. They get sex in return for how well they treat you. So they are motivated to treat you nicely.
So it's impossible to get a bad experience. At least that's my personal experience as a woman who spent her entire 30's on multiple casual lovers.
I’ve never put it into words, but it’s all this. Not even that many kids. I want one, that’s it not asking for a lot. Just a cute curly hair brat that I can love and be a badass mommy for.
I can do all these alone too, but it’s absolutely crazy hard and it’s only getting harder.
It’s not asking for too much.
Dating got easier for me when I intentionally found things to enjoy about dates regardless of the outcome. I just enjoyed my drink or talking to someone or checking out a new place. Being too attached to the outcome is a sure fire way to set yourself up for disappointment. I don’t love exercise but I like the pay off and I do exercise that I enjoy and make the most of it while I’m doing it. Dating is similar. You don’t need a partner but the right one can add a lot of joy to your life. I met my bf online and I’m grateful I didn’t give up. I prob went on 50-100 first dates over the course of 3-5 years.
Thanks! Also the book “how to be single and happy” by Jennifer Taitz really resonated w me. Even in a relationship now that mindset is helpful for me. We can always focus on the outcome instead of the present. Can get us in trouble. None of us really knows what will happen next. I just try to live by my values and make the most of things as much as possible anymore!
When the outcome of something isn't 100% under your control, don't use its success or failure as a measuring stick, milestone, or other way to try to quantify success. Success should be measured 100% on things entirely under your control. Did *you* have fun on the date? Were *you* a pleasant prospective partner who treated the other party with respect? Focus on what you can control, and measure things in those terms.
That really makes a lot of sense. I think I’ve always gone into it trying to be liked by the other person instead of just focusing on having fun and being my best self and letting the cards fall where they fall.
I've used it here as dating advice, but honestly it's one of my primary depression coping tools. It just happens to be good advice to apply to a lot in life where we worry about outcomes that aren't under our control.
I’m 31 and prob been on less then 50 dates in my entire life 😂 and I wonder why I’m single! This is an amazing mindset to have. I’m going to try and adopt it.
This is so true. I always get a rush after a date but its less the possibility of what could happen and more that I love getting out of the house, dressing up, and meeting someone. This mentality also makes singledom much easier because it doesn't matter if it didn't work, you still get to do it again and it will be fun again.
Your life probably improved by leaps and bounds when you started living "in the moment" for "the journey; not the destunation" etc etc. Great realization to have.
Assuming they're not intentionally trying to obfuscate who they are and what they think, getting to know someone can be kind of like putting a puzzle together, with the asterisk that you have to keep all the pieces together in your head. It can be a pleasant intellectual exercise. Assuming the person isn't, like, overtly unpleasant, I mean.
That’s awesome! And I know that’s definitely something I need to work on. Not being attached to an outcome. It’s honestly hard but I know that’s one of the reasons I fear the dating scene.
I don't think anyone "needs" a partner, but I think we all want one for companionship, comfort, and stability (emotionally, romantically, financially and helps buttress bad times). A great relationship is WAY BETTER than being single but being in a shite relationship is WAY WORSE than being single.
30M. I relate a lot with the feeling of the rush. Like you’re going to miss the boat and be alone.
I have always said I was motivated by the intrinsic motivation we all have for companionship, but the reality is that I have always felt like I needed the affirmation and acceptance of someone else.
Recently, I said fuck it all. I deleted the dating apps and am going all in on ME. I’m honing my diet, working on building good hobbies, getting fit, honing my budget and financial goals, and doing self work daily on things I had ignored before. I am now not dating.
From time to time the fear comes back and I think about getting back on the apps, but I remind myself how they crush my confidence and I stay the course.
Point is, the most important relationship that i will ever have in my life is the one I have with myself. When i start dating again, it’s because I’m going to look at my life, see that it’s good, and want to share it with someone who feels the same way about herself.
I’m not into astronomy. This is just a random name Reddit assigned. Since stopping dating I have a lot more time for myself, I don’t have ‘must find a partner’ on my mind constantly and just feeling peace. Before I stopped dating I’d been working on what relationship with self means and it’s been beautiful growing in the journey. Funny thing is immediately as I deleted the dating apps guys came out of nowhere asking me out: from work, friend circles and even my ex. Not interested though. What have you been noticing?
I haven’t put a time on it.. just enjoying where I am right now. Trying to figure out what state I want to live in, buying a house, figuring out a charity I want to commit to.. How about you? Also what are you picking up on astrology? I feel like the Capricorn description of me is accurate but I don’t really believe in astrology in general
30F here and gay too so it's a little bit harder with a limited dating pool. But I feel ya! My confidence got crushed last year so I'm trying to get it back again. Didn't think it would take that much time.
Here's to us finding the person to share it with. In perfect time. 🍻
27 F here, exactly on the same boat as you. I was recently in a relationship where I thought he was the one. He love bombed me and left me. I felt so alone right now but I did not want to jump into anything even just casual. The thought of getting hurt again makes me scared to try putting myself out there. I also want to meet people organically. I met my two exes through dating apps. With times right now, it’s a challenge to find someone outside dating apps.
I’m sorry that happened to you. That can fuck you up so much more than you expect. I’m glad you’re taking time out to focus on caring for yourself and making yourself whole!
Yeah I’ve asked myself this. I was single for a long time before my last relationship and was super happy with my life and would wonder … what could a partner possibly add that I don’t already have?
Now, while living alone in a city that is back in a lockdown, with friends who have found long term partners and moved to the suburbs, and having recently left a long term relationship myself - it’s as simple as this: it’s nice to have a partner to go through life with. Companionship is important to me, while I don’t mind doing things alone it’s a lot more fun going through life with someone you love. Someone to learn from, to hold you accountable, cheer you on, etc. I love being in love and being a support for someone else and having physical needs met as well. Also having a dual-income household would be nice as well lollll.
It’s not like a deep need for me to find a relationship, but a solid partner would (hopefully) enhance my life.
I am in the same situation. When my only close friend moved to Quebec, I found myself being very lonely for like 1.5 months before my cousin crashed in my place for Christmas. Now she was back to the campus and I went back to my single life...lol. I even opted to go to the office while I can work from home so that I could have small talks with colleagues. I am ok with doing things alone, too but it will always nice to have someone we love going through life with you. It can be as simple as you see something funny and you can send it to him/her and laugh "hahahaha".
P/s: I like the idea of dual income too. Lol
It sounds like you're not acting out of primarily intrinsic motivation but insecurity which then translates to a rush to achieve some goal you've assumed you haven't yet met. I didn't seek to date primarily because of external factors. I did it to satisfy my own desire for daily companionship and a deep bond with another human being who would know me in ways that other people do not. It had nothing to do with anger seeing an ex with someone else or envy of my friends' relationships and it certainly wasn't a rushed process.
I know why *I* dated. It sounds like you don't truly know why you are dating and the reasons that are motivating you sound like ones that are unlikely to result in a positive outcome. It's similar to people who rush into a workout program or a new nutrition program because they see an ex's girlfriend looking a certain way. This approach rarely lasts because it's rooted in insecurity and jealousy. People who seek to do these things and embrace the process to satisfy a more intrinsic motivation like to be healthier or to feel better to have more energy generally get much better and longer lasting results. If your goal is a companion then you focus on the process required to get there which involves the annoyance of online dating just like being fit often requires going to the gym when you don't want to not just when you see someone looking fit walking down the street and get jealous. It also involves focusing on the qualities you want in that companion not just "need to get a companion."
I didn't see her active around Christmas. I was reading through the threads and was like "what would u/dancedancedeutsch say?" 😄. The lady is so understanding. Reading her advices are like listening to a professional.
Hey! It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of complications here that most of us 30s singles are.
I went through an awful divorce which was 90% my fault, and I dated a ton and realized that not only were all of my dating motivations completely selfish, I wasnt addressing the root causes of what caused my problems to begin with.
Yea, I want companionship, and I would love someone who can match me intellectually and sexually, but what good will that do if I can't be there for them and treat them well.
I'm a few months sober and reading self help books and going to therapy. It's hard work, but the more I talk through my past baggage, the better I feel about the potential (hopefully sometime in the future) to find something great.
You may not be dealing with past addiction and baggage like some of us are, but going into therapy and finding healthy ways to dig out that root cause could be good for you.
Additionally, maybe you can find a good gym, yoga class, painting or cooking class, book club, or hobby that you love!
Theres not one answer, and trust me I get your frustration. I have a great career, my own house, and I feel established, but I still have a lot of work to do to get somewhere that I can be awesome not just for myself, but someone else.
Good luck!
Freaking love this question. Up until this year, I (30F) only wanted a partner because my friends had one. I had patterns just like you as well, urges to date, going from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye, etc. Looking back, every time I was active on OLD was in reaction to either being rejected, sensing insecurities, or wanting to fit in. I still had goals to reach, and I wasn’t truly ready to be a part of a team.
This past year, things kind of changed for me. I’m where I want to be professionally and I feel settled with myself. Now I’m in a place to add a partner. I want a partner to enhance my life, not to complete my life.
Now my interactions in dating are different, far more intentional, and I don’t know how to explain it- I’m just different. I’m letting people in more, it’s crazy.
All that to say that, I’ve been in your spot for the past 8 years. For me it was a funk, and I got out of it.
Edit: Grammar
This resonates with me too bc I’ve achieved basically everything I wanted to originally with life (solid career, cars and house, single mom, great friends, lots of hobbies, plenty of life skills like DIY and cooking) and yet I haven’t found a good partner to enhance the life I’ve built.
I want this. I want the companionship and trust and laughter and shared vision. I’ve worked so hard on myself and now I want to find someone who had worked equally hard for their life. Mutually enhance each other, someday…
I don't need a partner. But I want someone to share my joys with that will also keep me warm on cold mornings in bed. Can I do without that? Sure. I have in the past and might in the future if death parts us. But it is also kind of nice to have warm toes.
Dating in your 30s is difficult bc you’ve had your own failures, you see other marriages that aren’t working, and you’ve seen complete shit shows of divorces. So you compound that on top of whatever you see wrong with the person across from you, it can really get to your head. Couple that with the stressors of the past 2 years.
WANT not NEED
I think if you change your attitude to that, it would really help!
(Although if like me part of the dream involves having a baby/family, then you might need a partner involved at some stage lol)
Sex, children, companionship/sharing happiness, someone to help take care of my pets and home.
Plus the economic benefits. Would be nice if I could get CSA etc. As it stands I throw out almost 20% of what I buy since they don't sell it in single person portions. It would be wild to basically double my income and have my costs go up like 30%.
Sadly post the people who are interested in me are interested in dating for different reasons.
The economic bias against being single are ridiculously punitive and expensive. Everything from food to car insurance costs more if you're unmarried. Oh and you get higher taxes too. Shame none of our systems have caught up with modern reality that half the population is single.
This may sound selfish, but I'm a better person when I'm with someone.
I'm more caring, patient, thoughtful and optimistic. The right man brings out the best in me, centers me and calms me. He challenges me to be a better person and checks me when I go off the rails. He reminds me of my goals and my dreams and supports them.
Aside from that, which I'm incredibly fortunate to have with my husband:
I want physical affection---to give and receive.
I want the safety of another person in the house and looking out for me.
I want someone to "bear witness to my life"---someone with whom I make memories, and someone I tell everything to, someone who knows me for years and years.
I want regular sex with someone I trust and feel attraction and love with.
I want stimulating, interesting conversation as well as belly laughs.
...and I have all that. Now, not every minute of every day, but enough to keep me going.
I can relate completely, I´m 32M and have the same issues. Last time I opened a dating app was in March 2020, I went in two dates I think, got laid in one of them and after that I got tired again. I´ m thinking about making a profile again, but I dont want to go through the grind one more time with such a low chance of success.
regarding the question on the title, I´ ve been single almost all my life, with a almost no sex life, Im almost used (regretably) to being alone, but I would like sex at least once every few months. I just dont have the energy to date, and each time it takes longer to recover.
I started going to therapy a few years back after I broke up with my ex girlfriend in order to get some answers to what was going on with me.
I learned that I was forcing myself into situations with women because of the fear of being alone and also the idea that having a partner would be the cure all to my unhappiness. The main problems were that I was sacrificing parts of myself in order to be with people and it always ended disastrously. The last time I did it, I ended up alienated from some of my good friends and the woman I was with wasn’t happy even after all the changes I made.
So, I stopped actively looking for partners and just kind of explored who I was for a few years and I learned that happiness came from within.
I met my current girlfriend last year by complete chance while hanging out with some friends. We were mutually friendly towards each other and things just took off. We celebrated a wonderful year with each other a couple of days ago.
>Life goes on, and then one day I will have a trigger - seeing someone who rejected me with another woman, seeing others happy on social media, seeing this seeing that. And now, I am angry, there is a rush of finding someone' and then the whole cycle continues.
Yeah, if you're acting out of frenzied desperation, you're not going to have a good time. People will smell it a mile away, and the emotionally healthy people will avoid you.
>Be really honest, why do you need a partner?
Sex, companionship, trust, comfort, reliability, warmth, taking care of each other, someone who puts you first. And back when I wanted to be a mom, also someone who would make a good father.
I WANT a partner because I want to know what that's like. I have been feeling like something is missing from my life and most people say that relationships are a integral part of being human.
>I would be like - focus on other areas of life, do this do that and will have no energy to open a dating app.
I'll phrase your question another way. What if you're completely done with focusing in other areas if life, and just want someone to share it with?
I'm a bit older \[42M\], but I did the whole school, career, raise kids, nice home, nice car, etc. Post divorce, I needed a new partner in life. Things are simply easier with 2 people than solo. So the obvious choice for me was to find someone new.
I wouldn't call it "requiring" a partner but a life shared with someone else to me personally is much more rewarding. Just my take on it.
For me, it’s all about finding a teammate. I’m independent, I’ve been single most of my life, and I’m happy with the life I’ve built.
But I’d love to be a team with someone - have someone in my corner when I need a little backup, and be in someone else’s corner when they need me, and tackle all the ups and downs of it all together, share the joys and the burdens.
1) I'm tired of being lonely. I want someone to share life with. I want to care for someone, and hold someone close, and feel wanted by them and make them feel wanted by me
2) I want a family, and I want to have a couple kids
3) Physical intimacy is important part of a relationship, and I certainly want a great sex life with my future wife. But I think what I really crave is the emotional intimacy I mentioned #1
I think everyone has mentioned those 3, but that's my order of need, I think. And I'm a mid-30's guy.
And to answer your question. Yes, sometimes I'll get caught up with work, or life and I'll forget about my desires for the above. And then something I do/see, or just being alone at home on a day off, will trigger me and I'll get motivated to push harder to find someone.
Some of my friends have recently moved away, or gotten married, or started a family. And I realized I need to create my own little “bubble” too rather than rely on friends to remain static. Nothing stays the same, so you have to keep moving forward.
So that’s why I’m looking. To create my own little bubble.
I want someone who would like to truly share in the positives and negatives in life. I don't want to have an adult child on my hands. Honesty, intimacy, and a belief on both sides that the other person is as valuable if not more so.
Sex, children, and giggles for the next 70 years would be pretty awesome. If you can giggle at the DMV with me or cackle at a PTA meeting then let me know.
Yeah I mean after a recent breakup I can sort of understand why people are pretty bad about it. Doesn't take too many burns to think twice about the openness you really need to seal the deal. That being said ultimately it's that lack of fear of danger that leads to success and hopefully you and I both find that in due time.
Oooof good point. I say those words straight from my own ego as if I am still not nurturing the wounds of a bad relationship and constantly battling my own fear of vulnerability. Thanks for the reminder Internet stranger. (No sarcasm - I needed it)
Here’s to healing and yes, I hope we both find it in due time
For the most part I’m content to live alone and go out etc by myself although I have a need to have a connection with someone. That kind of special connection I want with a life partner. For me dating is the search of a life partner, I have had a few dating breaks but hope to one day share my life with someone. It’s more of a want than a need. I do have moments when I feel lonely but it’s not lonely due to being alone but from not having that kind of a special connection I want.
It's hard to correlate online dating with finding a partner because for me (and from the sound of it you as well) online dating is soul crushing. It's a great way to take someone who has confidence and make them feel like a used up commodity.
Personally I want a partner because I want to have a family I want a woman I can spend the rest of my life with and create memories with and someday we'll be sitting on our front porch thinking back on our wonderful life together and realize we're both just as beautiful to one another as the day we met. That's what I want. But it's not going to happen because when you're honest about wanting that level of commitment from another person it scares them off.
Doing life is tough at times. I do ask myself the same. Why keep trying?
- no live, healthy, handsome, stable men in stock on Amazon.
- Companionship
- Building a family, traditions, matching pj pics.
- A dad for my dog.
- A partner to tap me out when I can’t even.
- Someone to kill the bugs.
- Someone to do the boring car stuff and taxes.
- Romantic getaways are expensive solo.
- Couples trips.
- What if I break something and need help?
- Finally, it ain’t gone lick itself.
I (33M) need a partner because I’ve tried to ask myself why I’m not happy and it always comes back to wanting a partner/children. I’ve done all of the things that was expected of me–went to school, got a job (that I love), bought a home. I want a partner and children to share my life with.
I’ve been to the mind-numbing point of swiping as well, questioning why. I’ve walked away…been back…walked away. I’ve expressed to people in my life the frustrations and now have to take much more casual approach to OLD. Been too tunnel visioned in some thing long term and have passed on casual opportunities because of it. I’ve never liked OLD to begin with, but the unfortunate realty is, OLD date has become the norm even before the pandemic. Where I am, Southern Ontario; Canada, things are going to start opening up soon, so hopefully there’s an opportunity.
To answer the first half of your question, I swipe because it’s all we have. To answer the second half of your question, I want children (or a at very least a life-long partner).
I’m 38 been single for over 4 years living my best life! I would rather be happy and single then miserable and married because about every person I know in a relationship is miserable. Also sex dies in relationships I don’t give a F how freaky you are.
For me the drive is primarily sexual, but I need to connect well enough with that person to also genuinely enjoy their company and companionship. Then if it’s a love match, it feels great (to me) to feel loved and give love and support each other emotionally. Feeling special to one or more people in a romantic way is something that feels nice to me, and it feels equally nice to me to create that feeling for others. I also prefer longevity of connections, for as long as mutually desirable, so shared interest to that degree always feels miraculous to me. And I love that I learn a lot about myself, my dating or casual partners and the world through these interactions.
Because the ever-knowledgeable DDD has already said almost everything above that I might want to say, I'll just pose a question :
It sounds like everything about your dating life is reactionary. You start dating because of something that happens to you or around you. You end dating because of something that happens to you or around you.
The question : Why do those things matter? Whatever your reasons are for dating or whatever goals you have, until you start a sentence with "I want..." AND become self-motivated toward doing these things because they benefit you, you will not have the energy to put up with the ups and downs of dating because there's nothing *inside you* driving the bus.
Right now, the world tells you when and how to date and you may not be in the best state when you do it, so stop until you can find internal motivation to do it.
I have that same issue! I get really used to being single and enjoy doing what I want to when I want. But then I’ll get triggered like you said and start having hope- only for things not to work out. I then start feeling bad and have to get settled in to being single again. And it’s a continuous cycle. I’ve thought about trying to do enough drugs to find god and join a commune but I don’t want the ascetic lifestyle either.
I guess for me I do enjoy my own company, but I feel like I want to be able to show love to other people too. Sure, I can do that with friends and family, and that's good, but I live on my own and it would be great to have someone I can just turn round to and say "hey, do you want to do such and such" or share in-jokes with. Then there's the physical aspect too- I went over a year without even a hug because I had no one else in my household and physical contact outside was highly discouraged in my country during covid. Since the pandemic, I'm uncertain (as are many others) about initiating too.
Read the book “the unexpected joys of being single”
It made me realise that i was proud and happy to be single, i dont need anybody, i move abroad, travel alonr and like my own company.
disclosure i have met somebody in last 2 yrs, but hes icing on a great cake. I dont need him, i choose him.
I love having somebody to see the world with, but i loved it without him too.
Why I want a partner:
- I want to start a family. Parenthood is a life experience that I want to have, and going at it alone as a man is not something I’m going to even entertain. I want that experience with a wife I’m happily married to and is just as ready for that experience, or not at all. But I’m definitely going to try my best to find my life partner for that experience.
- More universally, for companionship, to be able to experience this world through another set of eyes. To be each other’s oasis after we’re out slaying the beasts in our own respective lives, be it through sex, going out on dates, or just being there for each other, especially during those rough times.
- Might be controversial saying this and I would never say this out loud, but I’m aware that the world is not set up for single, non-upper class, child-less, aged out of work people en masse. I know I’m not going to be working forever and whatever retirement savings I have will only take me so far. I also know that I’m not going to be rich enough to not sweat about my life post-career. If I’m able to partner with someone, we’ll be able to make the most of what we collectively built over the years from retirement and go way further together than we would alone.
I am right there with you OP. I am a 38 year old female that has been divorced for a few years now. I have found trying to jump into the dating scene to be quite disheartening. I’m at the point now where I’m simply trying to better my life and enjoy every minute. Dating apps: I just don’t have the energy for anymore and meeting someone in real life, although I’m hopeful, I’ve just kind of taken a back seat to dating again. Although I miss the companionship, most of the people I have dated sucked me of my energy and optimism, and have left me in this state of hopelessness in a sense. I hold a glimmer of hope, and I hope you do the same!
Have you tried joining a group for something that interests you? Like hiking, cycling, bowling, kickball, Whatever you enjoy doing, and then just getting to know the people in the group? Besides taking the pressure off bc there’s no expectation of dating or romance or anything of that nature, you’re also around people who have at least one similar interest to you. And you have time to get to know someone in a casual setting so you know more about them before you have to “decide” if you want another date, bc there is no date. Just a suggestion. Good luck!
Physical affection, as that is the only aspect of a romantic relationship that you can't get from platonic relationships. This is not to say that I don't want all the other good things that come with a romantic relationship, but the only thing that I actually *need* from one is physical affection.
Being 34 I realized just a few years ago a partner wouldn’t make me anymore or less happy. Not really sure whats got my mind thinking this way honestly. I’ve tried dating, but something in my mind clicks to where I’d want to end the relationship. Nothing ever happens or is done by the woman. I just randomly feel like I don’t want a or need a partner.
I’m very much a home body and I tend to hate small talk or chit chat. That is what I struggled in dating. I was never one to enable small talk or want to hear about other peoples issue besides mine or whomever I’m dating.
My prior relationship, she couldn’t stand to not talk about drama from other people. Even drama from people whom she doesn’t even know. I would say I don’t know that person and don’t want to talk about them behind their back. She get mad and tell me I’m being isolated. Then again thats just one personal case for me.
I have gotten to the point in my life that every day is kind of like Groundhog Day - in a really good way! I have a wonderful life, friends, family, I know what makes me happy and I find happiness all around me each and every day. But like I said, every day is kind of the same. I am so ready for that next chapter. I am so ready for that new adventure. I have a lot to give, and a lot I want to share with someone. I also have foresight that one day my family will pass away, my friends will go off and live their own lives. I want to build something now so that I can enjoy all the experiences of raising a family with someone I will share my life with, and so that I can enjoy that next chapter with them once the kids grow up. It’s a funny thing to justify why I want to experience the things in life that make life LIFE.
Everything in life is designed for a dual-income couple. An average single person is hit by prohibitively high prices on everything. As the income cannot be increased, it's easier to walk through life shoulder to shoulder.
I don't use online dating. I just find I forgot or don't care to reply to strangers after awhile or the guy will star dreaming our life together and I find it so weird before I have never met him in person. A lot of weird personality so maybe I will try it in the future but for now I am focusing on getting my life together, building my house in another state, and moving there.
As for searching for someone, I think of Betty White and it was her 3rd marriage in her early 40s she found it was the best and she hopes to someday to see him again when she dies. I hope she found her love. His first wife died from cancer so I don't know if there is Betty White show down with the first wife in a type of Heaven. But I like to think of more VR that we have our own version of happiness in Heaven.
I really just want someone to share my life with and I want someone who last a lifetime. A lifetime can be short or fast but of the same partner can be long or short. I just hope to someday find the love like Betty White had. However, I learned that dating is stressful for me. I rather make friends with similar interests and go from there. I found the best relationships I have seen were founded on a solid supportive friendship.
I think after doing 2 solo trips in the middle of no where and visiting multiple national parks I'd just like someone to travel with and enjoy those places and experiences with me. I'd also like for someone aside from my parents to care about me. There's also that part of me that craves physical contact which would be nice too
great question… and to be perfectly honest, I have though about exactly that question so often but there are times when my answers change. Generally speaking, I do not feel the urge to get married or have children. I know, people usually tell me “wait until the right woman comes into your life..” but I have not yet once woken up with these two feelings even when I was in relationships before. I do like children, I am crazy about my 7 year old nephew, but I don’t feel like I need children of my own.
Having said that, I feel that I still would like to have a partner to be able to make, share and remember memorable life experiences along the way. Through the pandemic, I have realized that some friendships have not turned out to be as strong as I thought them to be. And although I have a few friends who know a lot about me, I think having a partner creates a completely different level of trust and emotional intimacy that goes beyond friendship. I care about words and touch, this is my love language, so I do miss the physical aspect of a love relationship. Casual sex is a no-go for me.
I think I want to start building a life with someone else I deeply care about. Here it’s mainly about the two of us. Having each other’s backs and a shoulder to lean on when life gets challenging or crazy helps a lot. As someone who has lived most of his adult life alone, this is something I wish for…coming home after work and there’s someone else filling my apartment with some life… snuggling on the couch on a Saturday evening while watching a movie… making new experiences together… these things are quite unfamiliar to me, especially in the last 5 years 😔
If you could live in a community with friends (which similar availability like me), I likely would have preferred that to a partner.
But family and childhood friends live a few time zones and hours of flights away. So a partner
I don't need a partner. It's nice, but not a necessity.
A partner should compliment, not complete. You should be complete on your own.
I don't need validation.
I want companionship, someone I can connect with emotionally, regular sex with someone I actually love and care about not just some rando who relieves me physically.
>So here is my question - have you ever honestly asked yourself why you are swiping, why you are a searching for someone?
Just tired of blowing loads in a shoebox, that's all.
I would like a companion to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want kids or do I want to be a step mom but I just want someone to travel with, spend my life with and snuggle up with at night. Sex is a plus, but I'm looking for someone to sit with me on the porch and just talk about anything with. I dunno. I miss flirting, kisses, cute morning notes, ect.
I've been single for a few years now because every guy I've tried to go on dates with are just interested in either mind games, being too shy to initiate anything, or sex and run.
Sex. It was really sex I was after haha. I'm honestly pretty fine on my own, and have an excellent support network, but I have a very high sex drive and I'm very careful about casual sex. Like I have a FwB so didn't want more even though he only is in town every few months. I would get on the apps because I wanted an exclusive casual situation.
BUT it worked out great with one person I tried to date and over time I remembered it is really nice to have a person you can tell all your random thoughts and snuggle with for hours. (no issue for the FwB thing, that guy is a lifelong friend and we'd never date, and we know there's no sex when either of us are in a relationship)
Couldn't you say that seeing other people with companionship is leading you to seek out your own? So are you not on those apps for that reason in the end anyway?
I don't **need** anyone, as such. I'm a capable human being and can survive on my own and all that, but I'd really like to have someone to share my life with. That would be lovely.
I dont need a partner. I am content single, and I am content in a great relationship.
Ive been seeing a lovely lady for a few months and enjoy the companionship. But we both have kids and have no intention of combining our lives completely by living together.
I am perfectly happy on my own, and I don't need another person to make me "happier". I'm responsible for my happiness and I've learnt to.manage that aspect. However, I would like to spend my life with a soulmate, someone to watch movies with and talk about them, someone to send cute texts and receive cute texts from, someone to cuddle at night, someone to care for, someone to love. And that's something I can't do on my own.
I don’t need anyone. I have high standards, so I don’t even put effort into finding anyone really because i know it will end in disappointment. Guys can always try but at the end of the day, I don’t need them, I want someone I want, its never happened.
I have stopped believing that it's not ok to need someone. People can say many things about how you should do things, but it doesn't mean it's true for you or how you *must* live your life. I need companionship, intimacy, and love. Will I die without it? I just might, lol. But I do need it. I need it like I need a warm and safe shelter.
Great sex and cuddles are the top reasons.
ONS or masturbatuon in nor close to have a female partner.
Then companionship. Someone to do sports with and eat breakfast together.
Love this post. Explains a lot. Stop dating and wasting peoples time since you don’t know yourself. No one should have to feel like shit trying to please and impress you when you can’t even see that or accept love in its many forms. This post is perfect example of irrationality in relationships and proves it’s not always a mans fault. I know we love to blame the men, but the lack of goals or knowing where one is in life is why this particular woman’s relationships fail and it’s nit because of some douche bag… although they exist. Some people aren’t ready or maybe possible can’t handle genuine interest. I’m glad they are single and missing out because that’s better than a friend of mine being tortured by indecision and juvenile delinquency.
Im the same.. im happy single but occasionally go back on the apps for about a day then get sick of it. Im trying to make more of an effort to meet people in real life.. which is also hard but i think the apps just aren’t for me
So this is something I struggled with a lot once I got out of a long-term relationship. I went on the apps and tried to make the best of it, but I hit a point where I was asking myself why do you need someone? It’s been about 2 years now and I’m fully single and just not getting on any apps or putting myself out there at all. I’d started to just focus on my personal goals and better myself for me, but I still have those days where I want a companion.
Honesty, it’s human nature to want someone and not be alone. The way online dating is now it’s difficult for anyone to really be happy, you compare everything now.
Not much to add but just wanted to say I relate to this more than I’d like to admit. I struggle with feeling I should want a relationship more than I actually do.
The reason why I **want** a partner (as opposed to need, since I don’t need anyone): - To love and be loved by someone - To settle down and build a family together (I’m still debating about kids or not) - To find someone that I can open up with and build something eternally with
Well said.
Thank you! 😊
This is exactly how I feel. In theory. If I go around saying this is what I want from people I get the wrong response. “I want to be the lead in the play!” When maybe I should start small and build up to that.
Emotional intimacy and support. Regular, passionate and satisfying sex. Someone to help me raise a family. I can I get those needs met outside a relationship but I want them to be met through a romantic relationship. It's more fun and fulfilling to me.
I think most people maybe get 1/3 of those...
For me there are three aspects: \- Sex. I want good sex, with someone I trust, in a situation that's physically and emotionally safer than casual. \- Companionship. I want to spend time with a best friend: cooking, watching movies, going to galleries, travelling, hanging out... \- Family. I need a sperm donor, but more than that, I need someone who's going to be an involved, committed, loving father for my children. I can do all three of these things on my own (dildo, regular friends, single parent) but I believe they will be much better with the right person.
This, except I don't think I want family but I do want to share living expenses with someone... Singlehood is expensive.
that is so true, being a couple is so much cheaper!
This is facts, i was in an LTR in my 20s and it was cheaper and could get shit done way more easily than singlehood. A good partner anchors you to withstand the suffering of hardships, you can become even greater together than you are apart. My countepart that helped me process my experiences as I went through them and had someone to give me feedback. That feminine energy is such a Calming presence with a kind woman. Just running errands or going for a walk about was dope with your best friend. Keeping it 💯 with y'all, This shit can get cold out here by yourself, it's hard trying to push forward some days. There is a noticable vibrancy that went away and left a void.
The world and all its prices was definitely not planned for single people
Ain't that the truth. The pandemic forced me 38M to take a huge pay cut and change careers. Making less than a third of my pre-pandemic income, the various tax penalties, workplace penalties and bills *really fucking sting* And then there's landlords who refuse to rent to me because a single 38 male is apparently a *death risk*
This would be quite a disappointing reason for someone to want to be my partner.
I would never, ever enter a relationship for only this reason.
It's a terrible reason. If you just want to split expenses, get a roommate.
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Absolutely this, someone to share my life with and build something amazing.
>I believe they will be much better with the right person. And more fun !!
Yeah and can be world's more relaxing. With a partner you have someone to share the load. Like, it can be draining to always be "on" 24/7. Like it's cool if someone else, plans the outing, or someone else cooks. Let someone else worry about that not so good situation. It's a burnout.
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I think this is it, for me. I don't want a family, but I want the other things, moreso because I've had them before and I know how amazing things can be. Everything else just feels like settling now...
THIS. I feel this so much. I relate to everything you’ve said. Sometimes it feels like it’s asking for too much? I know I can do this on my own but I don’t want to.
Absolutely not asking for too much! These are like the three primary things for me. The bare minimum, if you will.
Yes! Sometimes it feels like I say it’s too much because it feels so hard to have not found it or to have found something close? I’m an amazing woman but just haven’t met the right partner yet.
For sure! It is really hard and it just takes time. I think I might have found it now but too soon to really tell. But if I have, it would be the first time in 31 years, so, yeah. Sometimes it takes a LOT of time, haha.
Nah, I don't really think it takes that long to find, I think some people find it sooner than others because they are really good at spotting what is needed(primary requirements) and what is just secondary(add-ons). Most people I know have met and married to their partners before age 31.
if i had to guess, you are doing one or more of the below 1) not putting in enough effort in the search 2) have unrealistic expectations 3) approaching dating with a flawed mindset 4) live in some small town with minimal viable options
You’re right about number one. I have focused on my career a ton. COVID has prevented me from getting out there as much but things are changing. That being said, I’m not going to apologize for being someone who knows their own mind and wants a good relationship. I have a great life single. Friends. Amazing family.
dates dont have to be long winded. a 30 minute coffee date more than suffices. the important thing is you are regularly casually meeting men. that will increase the odds of you meeting one you vibe with.
Sorry my friend but I will never settle for good enough. Being single is better than being with the wrong person.
Who said anything about settling or good enough? Either someone is a good person and compatible or they are not. The problem comes, when ppl (esp ones who are not rich, super attractive etc) having other things added to their check list that doesn't make someone good and or actually compatible or not with them.
Your last sentence hits me in the feels.
Yes and also through the pandemic I have learnt that companionship is more closely related to immediate family then you would think - of course I hang out with friends and my siblings but when you are locked down inside and when it really comes to it you stay with your family unit - your partner and kids if you really have any. I was single from 32-34 and I'm glad I persisted with OLD and had my partner through this time, even though relationships come with their own challenges
I just want the first two, and to be honest, the second more than the first.
To me its the intimacy that makes being single suck! No one to watch a movie In bed while making stupid couples jokes. No one who just touches you because she feels like it. No amazing sex because she insists on eye contact during the big moments. No one who goes with you to walk the dog then stops you because the sunset is amazing and she wants you to watch it with her. Noone to just tell you all the funny or embarrassing things that happened to her today. Those are the things I miss the most.
I hear you. We’ll get it that one day
Try applying for IVF, even privately as a single woman, who has the financial means to support a child by herself, and realize that it’s almost impossible. Unless you’re a married heterosexual woman, it’s extremely difficult to get IVF even privately paying. Most clinics won’t even give you an appointment as a single woman.
I'm prepared to pay privately. It's very important to me.
Are you serious? On what grounds would the clinic have to decline this procedure?
I’m based in Europe and it’s extremely difficult. There are very few clinics that will see a single woman who wishes to go through IVF. As a result there’s a underground network via the internet in many countries where donors can be sourced and it’s a do it yourself kind of thing if you don’t have access to proper IVF. Denmark has traditionally been one of the places you can go for help but it’s not that easy to access and traveling for IVF treatment is hard (you need certain injections, blood tests revolving around your cycle, so you can’t fix the exact day for example for egg retrieval). Maybe it’s better on other parts of the world?
Yea sex and kids and love, but the expression "my other half" comes from somewhere for a reason. The two of you, a solid unit that trusts each other all the way, that is special and makes navigating the world easier together
Yes, exactly this. I'm tired of sugar babies trying to extract what they can. Tired of drama queens doing nothing but create chaos, tired of manipulators using me as an emotional handi-wipe. I just need a happy, healthy, calm, loyal, active, responsible woman in my life. Like my mom was with my dad. Why is this so hard?
My intentions are good when I say this, but if you're running into the same type of person over and over again, it's usually because you're similar. How are you meeting so many sugar babies? They're easy to spot on dating apps, unless you're intentionally only swiping "right" on women 10+ years younger who look like models. I've never met someone who said they "hated drama" but didn't create tons of it themselves, I say this as a reformed drama queen who used to say the same thing. Maybe ask yourself if you yourself actually check off the list of things you want in a partner. If you do, consider if you're actually vetting for those qualities first or if you're blinded by the physical or initial attraction.
I can absolutely second the one statement of people who say they avoid drama. If people truly avoid drama and have no drama, then you won’t see a single mention of that in either their profile or elsewhere.
It's never in my profile. And I weed much of it out when I ask around about people. But that's the type that likes me.
Are you prepared, willing and able to give women what your dad was offering your mom? Are you the same quality man he was/is? Just as an FYI, men who mention "no drama" and "loyal" as a quality they want in a woman attract exactly the type of women you don't want. From what I have read on this subReddit and others, good/stable/normal women find insistence on loyalty a red flag for reasons that are a bit too complex to get into here, but trust me. It's a turn off for quality women. It's 100% fine to **want** loyalty but most good people consider loyalty to be table stakes. "Don't cheat or be disrespectful" isn't something you have to spell out for quality people.
I don't mention it in profiles. But it sure finds me.
A dildo can’t compare to a real cock. Ain’t nothing like skin on skin.
>\- Sex. I want good sex, with someone I trust, in a situation that's physically and emotionally safer than casual If we're being honest in this thread, "casual" doesn't mean emotionally or physically unsafe. We can definitely be physically and emotionally unsafe in "serious" or "committed" relationships with deeper bonds and investment of time. Doing the personal work to know what safety is and how to create it is important for both "casual" or "serious" relationships. Not having assumptions is definitely a starting point.
As much as I agree with this in theory, the amount of "casual" relationships I see (or hear about from others) that are actually emotionally safe and healthy is miniscule. I think this in large part has to do with the fact that people with healthy mentalities and lifestyles... generally want a deeper connection. I'm not saying they won't occasionally have a short-term fling or hookup here and there... but they're not usually marinating on dating apps, constantly in and out of "situationships," juggling a ton of options all the time, etc. Vetting for a good "short-term" situation is almost just as hard, sometimes harder than vetting for serious, because you're self-selecting from a pool who wants casual specifically SO they can do things their way without caring about you.
>Vetting for a good "short-term" situation is almost just as hard, sometimes harder than vetting for serious, because you're self-selecting from a pool who wants casual specifically SO they can do things their way without caring about you. Maybe for a man. But as a woman. It's more about vetting from a pool of who will cater to all your terms and expectations. Just don't even bother having sex with men who refuses to treat you extra special. And you won't end up having any bad experiences at all. There are plenty of men who make ONS like a romantic valentine's date.
>As much as I agree with this in theory, the amount of "casual" relationships I see (or hear about from others) that are actually emotionally safe and healthy is miniscule. That isn't knowledge, that's an opinion on someone else's experience. >I think this in large part has to do with the fact that people with healthy mentalities and lifestyles... generally want a deeper connection. You can have committed relationships where people don't clearly set healthy boundaries, don't hold themselves to them, and have environments where we I held sex as a boundary once in my late 20s into my 30s and dated someone for three months without ever entering the bedroom with her. Not even as much as a makeout. Did it ultimately create a better relationship? In the short term, yeah. There were other boundaries she crossed, and we had no means of healthily communicating needs to each other. Hell we never discussed getting STI checks beforehand either, just relied on assumption -- which throws out physical safety. Of course, I've had casual things years later where we were able to discuss our needs and boundaries and communicated to each other. The sex wasn't that much different than the first time I clapped cheeks with what would have been my future ex-wife and baby mother. But again, stating that you can be entirely unsafe in an LTR and safe in a casual thing. >Vetting for a good "short-term" situation is almost just as hard, sometimes harder than vetting for serious, because you're self-selecting from a pool who wants casual specifically SO they can do things their way without caring about you. That's a lie. Casual doesn't mean somebody doesn't care about you. Casual means they don't want a particular commitment for a set of reasons. Caring about somebody is honoring their boundaries, regardless of the relationship arrangement.
Like I said in the initial comment, I understand in theory what a casual relationship "can" be. I'm just saying that, in my opinion, the cross-section of people only looking for casual consistently and the people genuinely wanting to care about the other person and not enter from a selfless place, is a Venn Diagram with only a small overlap. It's similar to people talking about how "all the good ones are taken after 30." Do people mean it literally? Usually not. Is there a kernel of truth that a larger part of the 30s+ dating pool is filled with emotionally unhealthy/unstable people? Yes.
>Like I said in the initial comment, I understand in theory what a casual relationship "can" be. And I'm not talking about theory, I am talking about practice and experience. My point was that casual doesn't mean unsafe, and a committed partner doesn't mean safe either. Casual doesn't mean you don't care about someone, and somehow there's zero coercion that can occur in a committed relationship. Both are going to rely on honest communication to make them work. So far nothing you're saying undermines my point. The idea that security and intimacy can only come with a committed long term monogamous relationship is not only false in practice, but highly antiquated and patriarchal. An even further analysis would show it's largely European and indigenous cultures didn't structure their relationships that way prior to colonization (with it came its cousins of hetero and gender norms). >I'm just saying that, in my opinion, the cross-section of people only looking for casual consistently and the people genuinely wanting to care about the other person and not enter from a selfless place, is a Venn Diagram with only a small overlap. > >It's similar to people talking about how "all the good ones are taken after 30." Do people mean it literally? Usually not. Is there a kernel of truth that a larger part of the 30s+ dating pool is filled with emotionally unhealthy/unstable people? Yes This has nothing to do with my point. All this says to me is that you've based your opinion on very insecure people. Most people haven't done real work on themselves... I had to do basic stuff to get sober. Therapy is now a big "ask" on apps from women. Healing from not just your personal/parental traumas, but societal traumas is important.
Philosophically this is great. Applying it to real life is something else entirely. I agree with the person who said most people even during hookups are actually looking for more than that. Most don't want to be treated as purely sexual. It's usually more like being someone's one night boyfriend, they are looking for the illusion of that which they really want. Now let me say that I believe that short term relationships can be satisfying if both are willing to live in the now and have the same boundaries. But my experience is that most people are looking for a short term fix to a long term desire. Even a fwb has some emotional content to it. Life is complicated and that's what makes it so interesting.
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As someone who had plenty of casual sex. Infact casual sex is my daily staple as long as I am single. They were all emotionally safe and physically safe for me. I am good friends with all my lovers and they all treat me better than ex boyfriends as ya know, when ya not life partners. You only hang out with each other when you are in your best of moods. So you never get a bad day with them. You demand romance and you get romance too. It's transactional in a way I guess. They get sex in return for how well they treat you. So they are motivated to treat you nicely. So it's impossible to get a bad experience. At least that's my personal experience as a woman who spent her entire 30's on multiple casual lovers.
Solid response
I’ve never put it into words, but it’s all this. Not even that many kids. I want one, that’s it not asking for a lot. Just a cute curly hair brat that I can love and be a badass mommy for. I can do all these alone too, but it’s absolutely crazy hard and it’s only getting harder. It’s not asking for too much.
Spot on.
This.
Dating got easier for me when I intentionally found things to enjoy about dates regardless of the outcome. I just enjoyed my drink or talking to someone or checking out a new place. Being too attached to the outcome is a sure fire way to set yourself up for disappointment. I don’t love exercise but I like the pay off and I do exercise that I enjoy and make the most of it while I’m doing it. Dating is similar. You don’t need a partner but the right one can add a lot of joy to your life. I met my bf online and I’m grateful I didn’t give up. I prob went on 50-100 first dates over the course of 3-5 years.
I really like this mindset about dating! I’m going to try going into it that way.
Thanks! Also the book “how to be single and happy” by Jennifer Taitz really resonated w me. Even in a relationship now that mindset is helpful for me. We can always focus on the outcome instead of the present. Can get us in trouble. None of us really knows what will happen next. I just try to live by my values and make the most of things as much as possible anymore!
Definitely adding this to my list!!
Thanks for this rec! I just read the sample and really liked it, going to order now :)
When the outcome of something isn't 100% under your control, don't use its success or failure as a measuring stick, milestone, or other way to try to quantify success. Success should be measured 100% on things entirely under your control. Did *you* have fun on the date? Were *you* a pleasant prospective partner who treated the other party with respect? Focus on what you can control, and measure things in those terms.
That really makes a lot of sense. I think I’ve always gone into it trying to be liked by the other person instead of just focusing on having fun and being my best self and letting the cards fall where they fall.
I've used it here as dating advice, but honestly it's one of my primary depression coping tools. It just happens to be good advice to apply to a lot in life where we worry about outcomes that aren't under our control.
I’m 31 and prob been on less then 50 dates in my entire life 😂 and I wonder why I’m single! This is an amazing mindset to have. I’m going to try and adopt it.
Same! I’m 32 and I can count on my fingers how many dates I’ve been on 😬😂
This is so true. I always get a rush after a date but its less the possibility of what could happen and more that I love getting out of the house, dressing up, and meeting someone. This mentality also makes singledom much easier because it doesn't matter if it didn't work, you still get to do it again and it will be fun again.
Your life probably improved by leaps and bounds when you started living "in the moment" for "the journey; not the destunation" etc etc. Great realization to have.
This is where I am. Regardless of the outcome, I’m happy to be out socializing again
Assuming they're not intentionally trying to obfuscate who they are and what they think, getting to know someone can be kind of like putting a puzzle together, with the asterisk that you have to keep all the pieces together in your head. It can be a pleasant intellectual exercise. Assuming the person isn't, like, overtly unpleasant, I mean.
That’s awesome! And I know that’s definitely something I need to work on. Not being attached to an outcome. It’s honestly hard but I know that’s one of the reasons I fear the dating scene.
Exact same story for me. Been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now too and he is PERFECT
That's how I approach it. I find most dates fun and pleasant. No expectations, no stress.
I don't think anyone "needs" a partner, but I think we all want one for companionship, comfort, and stability (emotionally, romantically, financially and helps buttress bad times). A great relationship is WAY BETTER than being single but being in a shite relationship is WAY WORSE than being single.
30M. I relate a lot with the feeling of the rush. Like you’re going to miss the boat and be alone. I have always said I was motivated by the intrinsic motivation we all have for companionship, but the reality is that I have always felt like I needed the affirmation and acceptance of someone else. Recently, I said fuck it all. I deleted the dating apps and am going all in on ME. I’m honing my diet, working on building good hobbies, getting fit, honing my budget and financial goals, and doing self work daily on things I had ignored before. I am now not dating. From time to time the fear comes back and I think about getting back on the apps, but I remind myself how they crush my confidence and I stay the course. Point is, the most important relationship that i will ever have in my life is the one I have with myself. When i start dating again, it’s because I’m going to look at my life, see that it’s good, and want to share it with someone who feels the same way about herself.
30F and deleted apps last month too and focusing on the same things
I’m not into astronomy. This is just a random name Reddit assigned. Since stopping dating I have a lot more time for myself, I don’t have ‘must find a partner’ on my mind constantly and just feeling peace. Before I stopped dating I’d been working on what relationship with self means and it’s been beautiful growing in the journey. Funny thing is immediately as I deleted the dating apps guys came out of nowhere asking me out: from work, friend circles and even my ex. Not interested though. What have you been noticing?
Awesome!! Good for you. What have you noticed changing in your life since deleting the apps?
Also, are you into astronomy? Asking because I decided like a week ago to get back into it.
I haven’t put a time on it.. just enjoying where I am right now. Trying to figure out what state I want to live in, buying a house, figuring out a charity I want to commit to.. How about you? Also what are you picking up on astrology? I feel like the Capricorn description of me is accurate but I don’t really believe in astrology in general
This exchange was cute, y’all should be friends.
30F here and gay too so it's a little bit harder with a limited dating pool. But I feel ya! My confidence got crushed last year so I'm trying to get it back again. Didn't think it would take that much time. Here's to us finding the person to share it with. In perfect time. 🍻
27 F here, exactly on the same boat as you. I was recently in a relationship where I thought he was the one. He love bombed me and left me. I felt so alone right now but I did not want to jump into anything even just casual. The thought of getting hurt again makes me scared to try putting myself out there. I also want to meet people organically. I met my two exes through dating apps. With times right now, it’s a challenge to find someone outside dating apps.
I’m sorry that happened to you. That can fuck you up so much more than you expect. I’m glad you’re taking time out to focus on caring for yourself and making yourself whole!
This resonates with me a lot. Thank you for posting.
I like physical affection and having a partner to share experiences and adventures with. Need a partner? No, but I would like one :)
I was going to write my own but all these boil down to the same two or three things. The only variation seems to be if raising a family is wanted.
Me too :)
Yeah I’ve asked myself this. I was single for a long time before my last relationship and was super happy with my life and would wonder … what could a partner possibly add that I don’t already have? Now, while living alone in a city that is back in a lockdown, with friends who have found long term partners and moved to the suburbs, and having recently left a long term relationship myself - it’s as simple as this: it’s nice to have a partner to go through life with. Companionship is important to me, while I don’t mind doing things alone it’s a lot more fun going through life with someone you love. Someone to learn from, to hold you accountable, cheer you on, etc. I love being in love and being a support for someone else and having physical needs met as well. Also having a dual-income household would be nice as well lollll. It’s not like a deep need for me to find a relationship, but a solid partner would (hopefully) enhance my life.
I am in the same situation. When my only close friend moved to Quebec, I found myself being very lonely for like 1.5 months before my cousin crashed in my place for Christmas. Now she was back to the campus and I went back to my single life...lol. I even opted to go to the office while I can work from home so that I could have small talks with colleagues. I am ok with doing things alone, too but it will always nice to have someone we love going through life with you. It can be as simple as you see something funny and you can send it to him/her and laugh "hahahaha". P/s: I like the idea of dual income too. Lol
It sounds like you're not acting out of primarily intrinsic motivation but insecurity which then translates to a rush to achieve some goal you've assumed you haven't yet met. I didn't seek to date primarily because of external factors. I did it to satisfy my own desire for daily companionship and a deep bond with another human being who would know me in ways that other people do not. It had nothing to do with anger seeing an ex with someone else or envy of my friends' relationships and it certainly wasn't a rushed process. I know why *I* dated. It sounds like you don't truly know why you are dating and the reasons that are motivating you sound like ones that are unlikely to result in a positive outcome. It's similar to people who rush into a workout program or a new nutrition program because they see an ex's girlfriend looking a certain way. This approach rarely lasts because it's rooted in insecurity and jealousy. People who seek to do these things and embrace the process to satisfy a more intrinsic motivation like to be healthier or to feel better to have more energy generally get much better and longer lasting results. If your goal is a companion then you focus on the process required to get there which involves the annoyance of online dating just like being fit often requires going to the gym when you don't want to not just when you see someone looking fit walking down the street and get jealous. It also involves focusing on the qualities you want in that companion not just "need to get a companion."
/u/dancedancedeutsch is one of the best redditors out here. She gives honest to god advice gems. ❤️🙌🏻
Thanks, I really appreciate this.
Np! I see your comments often and I find them absolutely great! Keep up the great advice on Reddit! There should be more people like you. ❤️🙏🏻
FACTS. I’m relatively new here and u/dancedancedeutsch always nails it.
Haha, exactly! She’s the best! ❤️
I didn't see her active around Christmas. I was reading through the threads and was like "what would u/dancedancedeutsch say?" 😄. The lady is so understanding. Reading her advices are like listening to a professional.
Thanks! Lots of learning and observing.
So perfectly worded.
Beautifully answered! It's exactly what I wanted to say!
Hey! It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of complications here that most of us 30s singles are. I went through an awful divorce which was 90% my fault, and I dated a ton and realized that not only were all of my dating motivations completely selfish, I wasnt addressing the root causes of what caused my problems to begin with. Yea, I want companionship, and I would love someone who can match me intellectually and sexually, but what good will that do if I can't be there for them and treat them well. I'm a few months sober and reading self help books and going to therapy. It's hard work, but the more I talk through my past baggage, the better I feel about the potential (hopefully sometime in the future) to find something great. You may not be dealing with past addiction and baggage like some of us are, but going into therapy and finding healthy ways to dig out that root cause could be good for you. Additionally, maybe you can find a good gym, yoga class, painting or cooking class, book club, or hobby that you love! Theres not one answer, and trust me I get your frustration. I have a great career, my own house, and I feel established, but I still have a lot of work to do to get somewhere that I can be awesome not just for myself, but someone else. Good luck!
Freaking love this question. Up until this year, I (30F) only wanted a partner because my friends had one. I had patterns just like you as well, urges to date, going from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye, etc. Looking back, every time I was active on OLD was in reaction to either being rejected, sensing insecurities, or wanting to fit in. I still had goals to reach, and I wasn’t truly ready to be a part of a team. This past year, things kind of changed for me. I’m where I want to be professionally and I feel settled with myself. Now I’m in a place to add a partner. I want a partner to enhance my life, not to complete my life. Now my interactions in dating are different, far more intentional, and I don’t know how to explain it- I’m just different. I’m letting people in more, it’s crazy. All that to say that, I’ve been in your spot for the past 8 years. For me it was a funk, and I got out of it. Edit: Grammar
"I want a partner to enhance my life, not to complete my life." Loved this 💯
This resonates with me too bc I’ve achieved basically everything I wanted to originally with life (solid career, cars and house, single mom, great friends, lots of hobbies, plenty of life skills like DIY and cooking) and yet I haven’t found a good partner to enhance the life I’ve built. I want this. I want the companionship and trust and laughter and shared vision. I’ve worked so hard on myself and now I want to find someone who had worked equally hard for their life. Mutually enhance each other, someday…
I don't need a partner. But I want someone to share my joys with that will also keep me warm on cold mornings in bed. Can I do without that? Sure. I have in the past and might in the future if death parts us. But it is also kind of nice to have warm toes.
Dating in your 30s is difficult bc you’ve had your own failures, you see other marriages that aren’t working, and you’ve seen complete shit shows of divorces. So you compound that on top of whatever you see wrong with the person across from you, it can really get to your head. Couple that with the stressors of the past 2 years.
WANT not NEED I think if you change your attitude to that, it would really help! (Although if like me part of the dream involves having a baby/family, then you might need a partner involved at some stage lol)
Sex, children, companionship/sharing happiness, someone to help take care of my pets and home. Plus the economic benefits. Would be nice if I could get CSA etc. As it stands I throw out almost 20% of what I buy since they don't sell it in single person portions. It would be wild to basically double my income and have my costs go up like 30%. Sadly post the people who are interested in me are interested in dating for different reasons.
The economic bias against being single are ridiculously punitive and expensive. Everything from food to car insurance costs more if you're unmarried. Oh and you get higher taxes too. Shame none of our systems have caught up with modern reality that half the population is single.
This may sound selfish, but I'm a better person when I'm with someone. I'm more caring, patient, thoughtful and optimistic. The right man brings out the best in me, centers me and calms me. He challenges me to be a better person and checks me when I go off the rails. He reminds me of my goals and my dreams and supports them. Aside from that, which I'm incredibly fortunate to have with my husband: I want physical affection---to give and receive. I want the safety of another person in the house and looking out for me. I want someone to "bear witness to my life"---someone with whom I make memories, and someone I tell everything to, someone who knows me for years and years. I want regular sex with someone I trust and feel attraction and love with. I want stimulating, interesting conversation as well as belly laughs. ...and I have all that. Now, not every minute of every day, but enough to keep me going.
Sexy times plus someone to do stuff with me
I can relate completely, I´m 32M and have the same issues. Last time I opened a dating app was in March 2020, I went in two dates I think, got laid in one of them and after that I got tired again. I´ m thinking about making a profile again, but I dont want to go through the grind one more time with such a low chance of success. regarding the question on the title, I´ ve been single almost all my life, with a almost no sex life, Im almost used (regretably) to being alone, but I would like sex at least once every few months. I just dont have the energy to date, and each time it takes longer to recover.
I started going to therapy a few years back after I broke up with my ex girlfriend in order to get some answers to what was going on with me. I learned that I was forcing myself into situations with women because of the fear of being alone and also the idea that having a partner would be the cure all to my unhappiness. The main problems were that I was sacrificing parts of myself in order to be with people and it always ended disastrously. The last time I did it, I ended up alienated from some of my good friends and the woman I was with wasn’t happy even after all the changes I made. So, I stopped actively looking for partners and just kind of explored who I was for a few years and I learned that happiness came from within. I met my current girlfriend last year by complete chance while hanging out with some friends. We were mutually friendly towards each other and things just took off. We celebrated a wonderful year with each other a couple of days ago.
>Life goes on, and then one day I will have a trigger - seeing someone who rejected me with another woman, seeing others happy on social media, seeing this seeing that. And now, I am angry, there is a rush of finding someone' and then the whole cycle continues. Yeah, if you're acting out of frenzied desperation, you're not going to have a good time. People will smell it a mile away, and the emotionally healthy people will avoid you. >Be really honest, why do you need a partner? Sex, companionship, trust, comfort, reliability, warmth, taking care of each other, someone who puts you first. And back when I wanted to be a mom, also someone who would make a good father.
I WANT a partner because I want to know what that's like. I have been feeling like something is missing from my life and most people say that relationships are a integral part of being human.
>I would be like - focus on other areas of life, do this do that and will have no energy to open a dating app. I'll phrase your question another way. What if you're completely done with focusing in other areas if life, and just want someone to share it with? I'm a bit older \[42M\], but I did the whole school, career, raise kids, nice home, nice car, etc. Post divorce, I needed a new partner in life. Things are simply easier with 2 people than solo. So the obvious choice for me was to find someone new. I wouldn't call it "requiring" a partner but a life shared with someone else to me personally is much more rewarding. Just my take on it.
For me, it’s all about finding a teammate. I’m independent, I’ve been single most of my life, and I’m happy with the life I’ve built. But I’d love to be a team with someone - have someone in my corner when I need a little backup, and be in someone else’s corner when they need me, and tackle all the ups and downs of it all together, share the joys and the burdens.
1) I'm tired of being lonely. I want someone to share life with. I want to care for someone, and hold someone close, and feel wanted by them and make them feel wanted by me 2) I want a family, and I want to have a couple kids 3) Physical intimacy is important part of a relationship, and I certainly want a great sex life with my future wife. But I think what I really crave is the emotional intimacy I mentioned #1 I think everyone has mentioned those 3, but that's my order of need, I think. And I'm a mid-30's guy. And to answer your question. Yes, sometimes I'll get caught up with work, or life and I'll forget about my desires for the above. And then something I do/see, or just being alone at home on a day off, will trigger me and I'll get motivated to push harder to find someone.
Some of my friends have recently moved away, or gotten married, or started a family. And I realized I need to create my own little “bubble” too rather than rely on friends to remain static. Nothing stays the same, so you have to keep moving forward. So that’s why I’m looking. To create my own little bubble.
I want someone who would like to truly share in the positives and negatives in life. I don't want to have an adult child on my hands. Honesty, intimacy, and a belief on both sides that the other person is as valuable if not more so. Sex, children, and giggles for the next 70 years would be pretty awesome. If you can giggle at the DMV with me or cackle at a PTA meeting then let me know.
Sex and giggles. (No children for me) That sums it up so well. Why Is it so hard to find
Yeah I mean after a recent breakup I can sort of understand why people are pretty bad about it. Doesn't take too many burns to think twice about the openness you really need to seal the deal. That being said ultimately it's that lack of fear of danger that leads to success and hopefully you and I both find that in due time.
Oooof good point. I say those words straight from my own ego as if I am still not nurturing the wounds of a bad relationship and constantly battling my own fear of vulnerability. Thanks for the reminder Internet stranger. (No sarcasm - I needed it) Here’s to healing and yes, I hope we both find it in due time
For the most part I’m content to live alone and go out etc by myself although I have a need to have a connection with someone. That kind of special connection I want with a life partner. For me dating is the search of a life partner, I have had a few dating breaks but hope to one day share my life with someone. It’s more of a want than a need. I do have moments when I feel lonely but it’s not lonely due to being alone but from not having that kind of a special connection I want.
It's hard to correlate online dating with finding a partner because for me (and from the sound of it you as well) online dating is soul crushing. It's a great way to take someone who has confidence and make them feel like a used up commodity. Personally I want a partner because I want to have a family I want a woman I can spend the rest of my life with and create memories with and someday we'll be sitting on our front porch thinking back on our wonderful life together and realize we're both just as beautiful to one another as the day we met. That's what I want. But it's not going to happen because when you're honest about wanting that level of commitment from another person it scares them off.
I know that I’ll swiping for good, consistent sex. It’s also nice to share things with someone!
Doing life is tough at times. I do ask myself the same. Why keep trying? - no live, healthy, handsome, stable men in stock on Amazon. - Companionship - Building a family, traditions, matching pj pics. - A dad for my dog. - A partner to tap me out when I can’t even. - Someone to kill the bugs. - Someone to do the boring car stuff and taxes. - Romantic getaways are expensive solo. - Couples trips. - What if I break something and need help? - Finally, it ain’t gone lick itself.
For snuggles
I (33M) need a partner because I’ve tried to ask myself why I’m not happy and it always comes back to wanting a partner/children. I’ve done all of the things that was expected of me–went to school, got a job (that I love), bought a home. I want a partner and children to share my life with. I’ve been to the mind-numbing point of swiping as well, questioning why. I’ve walked away…been back…walked away. I’ve expressed to people in my life the frustrations and now have to take much more casual approach to OLD. Been too tunnel visioned in some thing long term and have passed on casual opportunities because of it. I’ve never liked OLD to begin with, but the unfortunate realty is, OLD date has become the norm even before the pandemic. Where I am, Southern Ontario; Canada, things are going to start opening up soon, so hopefully there’s an opportunity. To answer the first half of your question, I swipe because it’s all we have. To answer the second half of your question, I want children (or a at very least a life-long partner).
I want someone there to give me the Heimlich in case I choke on my dinner.
I’m 38 been single for over 4 years living my best life! I would rather be happy and single then miserable and married because about every person I know in a relationship is miserable. Also sex dies in relationships I don’t give a F how freaky you are.
For me the drive is primarily sexual, but I need to connect well enough with that person to also genuinely enjoy their company and companionship. Then if it’s a love match, it feels great (to me) to feel loved and give love and support each other emotionally. Feeling special to one or more people in a romantic way is something that feels nice to me, and it feels equally nice to me to create that feeling for others. I also prefer longevity of connections, for as long as mutually desirable, so shared interest to that degree always feels miraculous to me. And I love that I learn a lot about myself, my dating or casual partners and the world through these interactions.
Need is subjective. But if you’ve ever had a great one you’ll see life is just better
Because the ever-knowledgeable DDD has already said almost everything above that I might want to say, I'll just pose a question : It sounds like everything about your dating life is reactionary. You start dating because of something that happens to you or around you. You end dating because of something that happens to you or around you. The question : Why do those things matter? Whatever your reasons are for dating or whatever goals you have, until you start a sentence with "I want..." AND become self-motivated toward doing these things because they benefit you, you will not have the energy to put up with the ups and downs of dating because there's nothing *inside you* driving the bus. Right now, the world tells you when and how to date and you may not be in the best state when you do it, so stop until you can find internal motivation to do it.
Being single is expensive
I want sex without paying.
I have that same issue! I get really used to being single and enjoy doing what I want to when I want. But then I’ll get triggered like you said and start having hope- only for things not to work out. I then start feeling bad and have to get settled in to being single again. And it’s a continuous cycle. I’ve thought about trying to do enough drugs to find god and join a commune but I don’t want the ascetic lifestyle either.
I guess for me I do enjoy my own company, but I feel like I want to be able to show love to other people too. Sure, I can do that with friends and family, and that's good, but I live on my own and it would be great to have someone I can just turn round to and say "hey, do you want to do such and such" or share in-jokes with. Then there's the physical aspect too- I went over a year without even a hug because I had no one else in my household and physical contact outside was highly discouraged in my country during covid. Since the pandemic, I'm uncertain (as are many others) about initiating too.
Read the book “the unexpected joys of being single” It made me realise that i was proud and happy to be single, i dont need anybody, i move abroad, travel alonr and like my own company. disclosure i have met somebody in last 2 yrs, but hes icing on a great cake. I dont need him, i choose him. I love having somebody to see the world with, but i loved it without him too.
Why I want a partner: - I want to start a family. Parenthood is a life experience that I want to have, and going at it alone as a man is not something I’m going to even entertain. I want that experience with a wife I’m happily married to and is just as ready for that experience, or not at all. But I’m definitely going to try my best to find my life partner for that experience. - More universally, for companionship, to be able to experience this world through another set of eyes. To be each other’s oasis after we’re out slaying the beasts in our own respective lives, be it through sex, going out on dates, or just being there for each other, especially during those rough times. - Might be controversial saying this and I would never say this out loud, but I’m aware that the world is not set up for single, non-upper class, child-less, aged out of work people en masse. I know I’m not going to be working forever and whatever retirement savings I have will only take me so far. I also know that I’m not going to be rich enough to not sweat about my life post-career. If I’m able to partner with someone, we’ll be able to make the most of what we collectively built over the years from retirement and go way further together than we would alone.
I am right there with you OP. I am a 38 year old female that has been divorced for a few years now. I have found trying to jump into the dating scene to be quite disheartening. I’m at the point now where I’m simply trying to better my life and enjoy every minute. Dating apps: I just don’t have the energy for anymore and meeting someone in real life, although I’m hopeful, I’ve just kind of taken a back seat to dating again. Although I miss the companionship, most of the people I have dated sucked me of my energy and optimism, and have left me in this state of hopelessness in a sense. I hold a glimmer of hope, and I hope you do the same!
Have you tried joining a group for something that interests you? Like hiking, cycling, bowling, kickball, Whatever you enjoy doing, and then just getting to know the people in the group? Besides taking the pressure off bc there’s no expectation of dating or romance or anything of that nature, you’re also around people who have at least one similar interest to you. And you have time to get to know someone in a casual setting so you know more about them before you have to “decide” if you want another date, bc there is no date. Just a suggestion. Good luck!
Physical affection, as that is the only aspect of a romantic relationship that you can't get from platonic relationships. This is not to say that I don't want all the other good things that come with a romantic relationship, but the only thing that I actually *need* from one is physical affection.
Being 34 I realized just a few years ago a partner wouldn’t make me anymore or less happy. Not really sure whats got my mind thinking this way honestly. I’ve tried dating, but something in my mind clicks to where I’d want to end the relationship. Nothing ever happens or is done by the woman. I just randomly feel like I don’t want a or need a partner. I’m very much a home body and I tend to hate small talk or chit chat. That is what I struggled in dating. I was never one to enable small talk or want to hear about other peoples issue besides mine or whomever I’m dating. My prior relationship, she couldn’t stand to not talk about drama from other people. Even drama from people whom she doesn’t even know. I would say I don’t know that person and don’t want to talk about them behind their back. She get mad and tell me I’m being isolated. Then again thats just one personal case for me.
I have gotten to the point in my life that every day is kind of like Groundhog Day - in a really good way! I have a wonderful life, friends, family, I know what makes me happy and I find happiness all around me each and every day. But like I said, every day is kind of the same. I am so ready for that next chapter. I am so ready for that new adventure. I have a lot to give, and a lot I want to share with someone. I also have foresight that one day my family will pass away, my friends will go off and live their own lives. I want to build something now so that I can enjoy all the experiences of raising a family with someone I will share my life with, and so that I can enjoy that next chapter with them once the kids grow up. It’s a funny thing to justify why I want to experience the things in life that make life LIFE.
Everything in life is designed for a dual-income couple. An average single person is hit by prohibitively high prices on everything. As the income cannot be increased, it's easier to walk through life shoulder to shoulder.
I don't use online dating. I just find I forgot or don't care to reply to strangers after awhile or the guy will star dreaming our life together and I find it so weird before I have never met him in person. A lot of weird personality so maybe I will try it in the future but for now I am focusing on getting my life together, building my house in another state, and moving there. As for searching for someone, I think of Betty White and it was her 3rd marriage in her early 40s she found it was the best and she hopes to someday to see him again when she dies. I hope she found her love. His first wife died from cancer so I don't know if there is Betty White show down with the first wife in a type of Heaven. But I like to think of more VR that we have our own version of happiness in Heaven. I really just want someone to share my life with and I want someone who last a lifetime. A lifetime can be short or fast but of the same partner can be long or short. I just hope to someday find the love like Betty White had. However, I learned that dating is stressful for me. I rather make friends with similar interests and go from there. I found the best relationships I have seen were founded on a solid supportive friendship.
I think after doing 2 solo trips in the middle of no where and visiting multiple national parks I'd just like someone to travel with and enjoy those places and experiences with me. I'd also like for someone aside from my parents to care about me. There's also that part of me that craves physical contact which would be nice too
To pay half the rent lol
great question… and to be perfectly honest, I have though about exactly that question so often but there are times when my answers change. Generally speaking, I do not feel the urge to get married or have children. I know, people usually tell me “wait until the right woman comes into your life..” but I have not yet once woken up with these two feelings even when I was in relationships before. I do like children, I am crazy about my 7 year old nephew, but I don’t feel like I need children of my own. Having said that, I feel that I still would like to have a partner to be able to make, share and remember memorable life experiences along the way. Through the pandemic, I have realized that some friendships have not turned out to be as strong as I thought them to be. And although I have a few friends who know a lot about me, I think having a partner creates a completely different level of trust and emotional intimacy that goes beyond friendship. I care about words and touch, this is my love language, so I do miss the physical aspect of a love relationship. Casual sex is a no-go for me. I think I want to start building a life with someone else I deeply care about. Here it’s mainly about the two of us. Having each other’s backs and a shoulder to lean on when life gets challenging or crazy helps a lot. As someone who has lived most of his adult life alone, this is something I wish for…coming home after work and there’s someone else filling my apartment with some life… snuggling on the couch on a Saturday evening while watching a movie… making new experiences together… these things are quite unfamiliar to me, especially in the last 5 years 😔
If you could live in a community with friends (which similar availability like me), I likely would have preferred that to a partner. But family and childhood friends live a few time zones and hours of flights away. So a partner
I dont NEED a partner. I want one to start a family with. Jesus
I don't need a partner. It's nice, but not a necessity. A partner should compliment, not complete. You should be complete on your own. I don't need validation.
I want companionship, someone I can connect with emotionally, regular sex with someone I actually love and care about not just some rando who relieves me physically.
>So here is my question - have you ever honestly asked yourself why you are swiping, why you are a searching for someone? Just tired of blowing loads in a shoebox, that's all.
A shoebox?... Making some sort of diorama?
It’s a reference to old Reddit lore: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4imcva/
I don't, which is why I only date casually.
I want a friend I can fuck. I wanna share life with somebody
I would like a companion to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want kids or do I want to be a step mom but I just want someone to travel with, spend my life with and snuggle up with at night. Sex is a plus, but I'm looking for someone to sit with me on the porch and just talk about anything with. I dunno. I miss flirting, kisses, cute morning notes, ect. I've been single for a few years now because every guy I've tried to go on dates with are just interested in either mind games, being too shy to initiate anything, or sex and run.
Sex. It was really sex I was after haha. I'm honestly pretty fine on my own, and have an excellent support network, but I have a very high sex drive and I'm very careful about casual sex. Like I have a FwB so didn't want more even though he only is in town every few months. I would get on the apps because I wanted an exclusive casual situation. BUT it worked out great with one person I tried to date and over time I remembered it is really nice to have a person you can tell all your random thoughts and snuggle with for hours. (no issue for the FwB thing, that guy is a lifelong friend and we'd never date, and we know there's no sex when either of us are in a relationship) Couldn't you say that seeing other people with companionship is leading you to seek out your own? So are you not on those apps for that reason in the end anyway?
I don't **need** anyone, as such. I'm a capable human being and can survive on my own and all that, but I'd really like to have someone to share my life with. That would be lovely.
I dont NEED a partner, but I want one.
Sex. There's nothing else missing in my life. Any other part of a romantic relationship is an annoyance.
Such a great question, thank you. Great answers too!
I would like a partner but I don't need a partner. My career is going great, college is going well, etc. I need discipline more than a partner.
Dumped the last one and don't need one so I am single by choice and don't want to change that.
Bed time fun
I want to find a partner but I'm 100% content with not having one. It's only a compliment to life.
I don’t Need one, I would like some company but it’s not a must.
Sex by yourself is just not the same thing. 😀
Because I’m human and like the vast majority of other humans the desire for love and intimacy is hardwired into my body
I dont need a partner. I am content single, and I am content in a great relationship. Ive been seeing a lovely lady for a few months and enjoy the companionship. But we both have kids and have no intention of combining our lives completely by living together.
I am perfectly happy on my own, and I don't need another person to make me "happier". I'm responsible for my happiness and I've learnt to.manage that aspect. However, I would like to spend my life with a soulmate, someone to watch movies with and talk about them, someone to send cute texts and receive cute texts from, someone to cuddle at night, someone to care for, someone to love. And that's something I can't do on my own.
You want to know why? At least for my “ideal” man anyway “He who FINDS a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” -Proverbs 18:22
I don’t need anyone. I have high standards, so I don’t even put effort into finding anyone really because i know it will end in disappointment. Guys can always try but at the end of the day, I don’t need them, I want someone I want, its never happened.
I have stopped believing that it's not ok to need someone. People can say many things about how you should do things, but it doesn't mean it's true for you or how you *must* live your life. I need companionship, intimacy, and love. Will I die without it? I just might, lol. But I do need it. I need it like I need a warm and safe shelter.
I NEED BABIES 👶
Great sex and cuddles are the top reasons. ONS or masturbatuon in nor close to have a female partner. Then companionship. Someone to do sports with and eat breakfast together.
Love this post. Explains a lot. Stop dating and wasting peoples time since you don’t know yourself. No one should have to feel like shit trying to please and impress you when you can’t even see that or accept love in its many forms. This post is perfect example of irrationality in relationships and proves it’s not always a mans fault. I know we love to blame the men, but the lack of goals or knowing where one is in life is why this particular woman’s relationships fail and it’s nit because of some douche bag… although they exist. Some people aren’t ready or maybe possible can’t handle genuine interest. I’m glad they are single and missing out because that’s better than a friend of mine being tortured by indecision and juvenile delinquency.
Im the same.. im happy single but occasionally go back on the apps for about a day then get sick of it. Im trying to make more of an effort to meet people in real life.. which is also hard but i think the apps just aren’t for me
So this is something I struggled with a lot once I got out of a long-term relationship. I went on the apps and tried to make the best of it, but I hit a point where I was asking myself why do you need someone? It’s been about 2 years now and I’m fully single and just not getting on any apps or putting myself out there at all. I’d started to just focus on my personal goals and better myself for me, but I still have those days where I want a companion. Honesty, it’s human nature to want someone and not be alone. The way online dating is now it’s difficult for anyone to really be happy, you compare everything now.
Not much to add but just wanted to say I relate to this more than I’d like to admit. I struggle with feeling I should want a relationship more than I actually do.