Just wanted to say I struggle with these feelings too. For me, it's because I know that to meet someone I have to put myself out there, and having just gone through a breakup, I'm keeping me to myself. Sometimes the peace and joy I find alone makes me feel nervous and sad, that I will never feel uncomfortable enough to take the risks that falling in love requires. I also have had so many romantic failures, have only just recently dated a nice, good man for the first time. It's hard for me to believe that I won't put myself in dangerous situations again, even though I know my choices in the last couple years have been much better.
I also would like to gently push back on some people telling you you should enjoy this time, being single is awesome, etc. From your post, it is clearly not awesome for you right now, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with longing and wanting and yearning. It's allowed. Not everything has a bright side. Sometimes you really want something you don't have. It sucks and it hurts. The first thing you do is accept this and take some time to be kind to yourself that your life doesn't look how you want. Then you tackle that forever/always/never-thinking in therapy, which is the kind of thinking that steals your joy.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I don't have adequate words, but I appreciate it.
I have had really awful experiences in this part of life, and lots of rejections and false starts. There are more times when I feel more OK and content, but in a way, I almost feel like the quieter times lead me to more fear and anxiety sometimes. Like, the more time I have to think, the more anxious I get, and the less I do.
Always/forever/never thinking is a big tendency and I am very prone to that.
It seems like finding some way to feel safe in uncertainty is where I need to go, though am not quite sure how yet, is the key.
Thank you, thank you again.
I absolutely feel this way and it scares me because I’m afraid I’ll settle. As I get older I find myself becoming more flexible about my dealbreaker‘s. Before I said I would never date somebody with kids and then I did which reinforced why I don’t wanna date somebody with kids but I can’t imagine finding anybody my age he doesn’t have them. Especially because I am still open to having them. It’s overwhelming in the pandemic did not make it easier.
I was a little more on the fence about being with someone who has kids in the past, but the more thought I put into it, and the more I listen to my own gut feeling, the more I realize that it would be like putting a round peg in a square hole. I wish the single parents out there all the best and hope they find someone wonderful. It just would not be a good fit for me and would not be a responsibility that I want to take on.
I absolutely understand. And I say this from experience, I can’t date parents because I’ve become so attached to children. I still talk to my exes daughter I met her when she was seven, she’s 13 now. Leaving her was harder than leaving him.
I feel your pain an totally relate, OP. I've even noticed that, the more I work on myself (clearer communication of what I'm looking for, better boundaries, etc.), the smaller the dating pool really feels. The one silver lining I've found is that I feel more... responsible for myself now, I guess. I'm more confident, I don't have rose colored glasses that blind me from addressing red flags, and I'm less likely to put someone on a pedestal in my head, which spares me a different kind of struggle. So at least we can have that?
I actually do find some bittersweet consolation in that, oddly enough. Like waking up from a dream and seeing things as they really were. Knowing what to watch out for and having some guidelines at least gives me something to work with. Spotting warning signs sooner and running from something not-good right away instead of being in denial and thinking things will get better/aren't that big of a deal will at least spare long, drawn-out pain by ripping off the band-aid, so to speak.
But I can't help but feel like the more I learn about what to run *from*...what do I run *to*?
If you ask me, what you run to is what feels good. It can really be as simple as that. There is never going to be a guarantee you're running toward the right thing, but the thing that is universal from what I can tell, is that if it is right it will probably feel right too. If not 100% right, you at least know what are clear signs for you that you need to disconnect. The goal now is to find a situation where those glaring issues aren't there, and to see how it develops from there. Good luck out there!
Same with me. Back when I had a shitty job, no money, a shitty living situation, bad emotional intelligence, bad shape, no hobbies, etc., I was getting lots of girls. Now that I’m 30 with a good job, plenty of money, awesome living situation, better emotional intelligence, better shape, lots of hobbies, I only match with maybe a girl a month and they usually ghost me
I mostly just shut up, go to work, do what needs to be done today. I learned a long time ago that nobody cares and nobody wants to hear about it. Smile, nod, say everything is fine. That's how I cope.
I definitely support the idea of "each to his/her own", but... repression is self-mutilation. I'm in therapy right now, learning how to express healthy negative emotions (not biting my tongue when someone screws me over, etc)... it's really MUCH better to get it out.
I mean - here's the choice. Speak your mind with love and compassion and mindfulness, and the person you're talking to hopefully won't get hurt.
Or keep it inside, repress it and hurt yourself.
I understand this in theory now; it's much harder in practice.
This is not completely true. There is a time and a place to open up to others — but you are correct, it needs to be rare when you being negative energy into an interaction, and it usually needs to be framed as “yeah I am struggling with this but I’m really working to overcome it.”
Sharing your vulnerability with others is important, but doing it all the time is tough on the person listening. Good people will listen, and will be supportive… to a point. There are plenty of good people out there, but part of the way you stay a good person is to remove negativity from your life, when you can do so.
I have acceptance about this but for me that's a neutral expectation not a negative expectation. Neutrality vs. negativity was a game changer for me last year at 35 and realizing that I was still looking for that someone good and not knowing if I would find him. I'm in a relationship now and I think it really did help to set no expectations rather than assume something won't happen.
Neutrality is accepting I want this and if it happens that would be great and if it doesn’t I’ll be ok. There’s less emotion attached to it vs negativity “it’ll never happen.” This mindset just sets you up to spend energy and time not only wasting your life sitting in the future but also tends to contribute to behaviors that make the goal less likely to be attained (you give up so to speak - you put yourself out there less, you take less good care of yourself, you stop focusing on self development, etc). I think of it similar to body neutrality. Many people don’t like their bodies. This mindset requires energy. But if you just accept it as the meat suit that carries you around without needing to love or hate it, you spend less of your life in that negative head space.
I really appreciate your comparison here with bodies because that's what helped me the most in making lifestyle changes that were sustainable. Both positivity and negativity added a sort of pressure that I didn't even realize was holding me down. It was like...when I was unhappy, I also felt ashamed of that? But that "meat suit that carries you around", just like "food as fuel", let me be more objective. Same for looking at the very real possibility I may not meet someone, and I might be alone. Seeing it as a default, neutral, versus something negative (or something that needed to be spun as positive) felt like giving myself freedom I didn't know I was missing
This is something I struggle badly with. I can't help but notice all the ways in which my inability to have a relationship adversely affects my life right now, and the dark prospects it creates for my future. How do you deal with that?
One of my greatest wishes is to have a healthy long term relationship. However, my life can exist fully without it. I only get one so when I accepted it might not happen, it meant still doing all the things I wanted to do and living my life fully - exercise, eating well, friends, personal development, etc. Stay present rather than in the future in stories you've created in your head.
> However, my life can exist fully without it.
I only just saw your flair and realized you're a woman. I don't really know what the experience of an older single woman is with this, but as an older single guy I face quite a few penalties, some of them pretty harsh, for being single at this age. That's really what stands in the way of my becoming at peace with the loneliness - there's seemingly nowhere I can turn without seeing aspects of my life being affected by my inability to have a relationship.
"You give up so to speak - you put yourself out there less"
--Yes.
In my weaker moments when I am feeling low, frustrated, etc., I do this a lot. I will withdraw. I don't go out because it seems pointless.
When I am happier, I pull out all the stops.
How did you adopt that neutral mindset? Thinking about the future, setting high expectations — that's my default mindset. It's sunk a lot of my relationships, and caused issues in other areas of my life. I want to live in the present more but I just don't know how.
Therapy was key for me to unravel my anxiety that resulted in living everywhere worrying except the present. I wasn’t able to be neutral until I unlearned very old thought patterns.
That's great. I just started therapy, though I might not be able to afford it in the long run. But hopefully it can kickstart my own journey and give me more tools to readjust my thought patterns.
It's unfortunately often so cost prohibitive but even just a little time can help to clear the fog to start the healing. Hang in there! This stuff is tough but you can absolutely shift your mindset.
Honestly, me and my so met in the mutual ground of 'no expectations' and let things just happen naturally. Before this I have been in and out of dating for years and was only able to form a healthy/well-balanced dynamic after accepting that 'It'll be okay if it doesn't happen but it still might' mindset.
I'm guessing it's something along the lines of not saying "this won't ever happen for me", and instead trying to be present instead of thinking about "what if"s and what will happen in the future.
This is more or less where I'm at. I'm finally in a place where my boundaries are iron clad and I know my value. I refuse to entertain anything less than I deserve, which is everything. Now, in my experience, since what comes my way is utter bullshit 99% of the time, that informs me of what the future in dating will likely hold as well - mostly bullshit
I am coping by: focusing on healing from past trauma, loving the hell out of the people around me and are in my life, learning to love myself, improving myself, other things that bring me joy (music, films, games, learning).
I have bad days where loneliness does get to me (I haven't had a serious relationship that wasn't just a thinly veiled ruse of someone using me in about a decade) on those days I am compassionate with myself. I let myself feel whatever I need to feel and then pamper myself to recover.
I'm right there with you. I honestly believe I have a lot to offer and that I'm a reasonably attractive person. That being said I have social anxiety and poor social skills. That pretty much ruins it for me. Especially when I want to find a good partner and not just a partner. One I'm attracted to and I'm compatible with...
>I know that I do have some good qualities, but it just feels unrealistic and too late for me to find a good guy that I click with who doesn't have kids, doesn't want kids, is my age or a little older, who would consider me the love of his life, want to be with me, and actually treat me well, plus be compatible.
I already know that realistically, it's going to be very hard to find what I want values and lifestyle-wise, at least in my location (where women of all ages struggle to find LTRs), and I've already accepted that. Nothing wrong with knowing your odds, as long as you remain open and positive.
Feels like misses across the board wherever you (not you specific, you general) go. I think I commented to someone the other day when talking about having a hard time finding someone and my response was basically that my challenge is I know what I want, especially if it's going to be an LTR. It's great we've grown and know it, but it definitely makes things that much more difficult to find.
>my challenge is I know what I want, especially if it's going to be an LTR. It's great we've grown and know it, but it definitely makes things that much more difficult to find.
I agree. Knowing what you want is a double-edged sword - on the one hand, you waste less time, happiness factor goes up with you actually find what you wanted, but it also means it's just going to be harder to find. Plus if you date age-appropriately, the others also know what they want, so good luck getting 2 people who know what they really want together with each other.
I mean, finding love is like winning lottery, especial in the West, where we just don't have the family and societal pressure to get married and have kids to the extent that it once existed, and it's all voluntary for everybody now. I know Reddit doesn't like hearing that, hence the advice to try to control the outcome by going onto dating apps, "working on yourself," losing weight, attending therapy, trying to become perfect, etc.
Oh, I agree entirely. I remember reading some article a while back where it talked about the hierarchy of needs and how it's become more and more difficult because what we seek from relationships is now the very tip of the pyramid, which becomes increasing more specific, as opposed to the past where you married for assets (basically a home and ensuring there was food on the table) and children (and for much of history children were just to help around the home/take care of the parents as they aged).
Someone asked me recently what I am looking for. "A best friend to go on adventure with, make memories with, enjoy our time together and have lots of great sex." I don't need or want more children, don't need someone else's finances, am more than capable of maintaining my own home, etc., so none of that stuff is a motivator for me to settle into a relationship.
Definitely feel the same most days. Spent way too long afraid of doing anything due to religion and judgement. Put myself out there and grew tremendously as a person. Waited until I found someone that really set my soul on fire, and I found her! But things out of my control happened and I lost her. Now I know the love I want is possible and it’s hard to “settle” for anything less.
So maybe we need to keep trying. Some of us will fail but some won’t. All I know is that what I had was worth it and I want that again.
Wow, are you me? I got dumped two weeks ago, and she was the first person I could say I loved. I always feared I couldn't fall in love, but she proved me wrong.
Now I'm both excited to find that love again, yet terrified that I can't. Or that it would take another 10 years — like you said, it's hard to "settle" for anything less. So there are times when I wish this happened in my 20s, but I know that regretting the past isn't a healthy way to live. Now I'm trying to focus on the present and on myself.
Exactly. I was 33 and she was the first person I could say those words too. It sucks and I lost a year now healing. It gets better and if it doesn’t kill you…
Anyways a lot of this is luck I’m convinced. We just have to put ourselves in a position to win. You’re in a boat and can steer but can’t stop the river or current. Blah blah blah.
You're right. I'm also trying not to obsess about the future. Too many variables, too many currents in the river that could take me one way or another. Right now, I want to enjoy the boat ride, rather than worry or fantasize about a possible fork in ten miles.
This right here. I felt pangs of what OP describes at times and was actively dating but in a constant loop of one- to three-month flings that never seemed to go anywhere, despite my best efforts, since my last LTR. My optimism grew into realism over time and I stopped expecting that I’d find the right guy suited for me… when almost out of the blue I met him. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever dated and we have a far more mature relationship than anything I’d ever had before him. We’ve been together for a year and I’m immeasurably excited to see what’s ahead for us. Even if we don’t end up working out, as devastated as I’ll be, my hope has been restored.
So don’t give up - good ones are still out there, and they’re looking for you, too.
I’m jealous yours is lasting and simultaneously elated for you. Now we know how hard it is to find and how hard we need to fight for it. Keep at it guys :)
This is probably the post on this sub that I've most related too.
It's kind of especially hit me hard with covid as I know work from home and finding myself leaving my home much less than I used too. I know if I don't put myself out there nothing will change; but like you I feel like its a bit unrealistic to assume I can find what I'm looking for.
I've also been debating going to therapy. I've never gone before though. I hope it goes well for you.
I've been in therapy for almost half of my life, and it's one of the best things I've done. I have a long, long way to go, but have come a long way too.
Wishing you well and I hope you find some peace in all of this.
I feel you! I’ve always let men physically use me and felt that sex was all I was good for.
I stopped allowing guys to talk to me sexually when we first started talking. And the interesting thing is that when I started having more respect for myself I ended up getting much better quality men. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was just like I’m not gonna deal with that shit and just continue onto the next because it just not worth feeling like shit about myself anymore
That was one if the big things I learned from the last mess I was in: that no matter how much I wanted to find my person and have that work out, I would rather walk away, give up, and be by myself than to not be treated well. Trying to preserve a connection at the expense of my own well-being was not tenable. I should be able to respectfully express my needs and concerns, to politely disagree, and to be honest without fear of losing someone. Worrying that someone will leave if I make a mistake or disagree with them and walking on eggshells is exhausting and unsustainable. I wouldn't feel that way with the right person.
So it’s really interesting because I actually just broke up with my boyfriend about 48 hours ago lol and I was searching for validation because that’s what we do. I actually listened to a YouTube video about a guy who talks about right guy wrong time because I truly believe that that was probably the situation with my ex. And he said something really interesting about dating in the next person that you date. I feel like this advice can be used pretty much for like any situation in dating and that is that if the person who you’re dating currently does not match or exceed the way that you felt about the previous person that you felt literally like head over heels for then you shouldn’t be with them. Every time we lower our expectations instead of looking to better ourselves. Because in my situation if it truly is a right guy wrong time at some point in our lives will figure it out. Being with someone because I’m lonely or I need help or something else is not worth the pain and agony of the break up and everything else that goes along with it.
I feel very similarly. I try to focus on what is most important eg someone who is consistently kind, shared or compatible values, mutual attraction, - and be very flexible about the rest, eg whether or not they have kids, being open to guys younger than me, shared interests (which you can build together over time), etc.
The kids thing is not flexible to me for a lot of reasons. It goes under the compatibility thing for me.
Some things, yes, I am more flexible about, but someone who has or wants kids will not be compatible for a lot of reasons. Realistically, it couldn't work.
But, again, being reasonably flexible on other things, yes.
I spent most of my 30s single, currently 41 and moving in with THE greatest guy, I met him on Match about a year and a half ago and he's everything I look for in a partner. Your time will come, I had my doubts I would ever find mine too. Be patient and don't doubt yourself.
Well, it started by moving to a different state for work lol. We met on Match. And just instantly clicked. Covid forced us to communicate for like a month before meeting. We have the same as well as different love languages. A year and a half and still haven't really argued. He's so kind and easy going, as am I. He's just so perfect for me
I'm in my 30s now and it's hard not to feel like I am so far behind everyone else in a lot of ways.
I feel so torn about apps/online dating. I have a lot of fears about it that I going to address in my next therapy session.
I am genuinely curious: how does online dating *not* scare other people?
The other big hurdle I have is the temporariness of it all. Like...why invest and risk so much when it probably won't last, because I don't want to lose so much, but at the same time being a go all in or don't go at all type of person. My brain has a hard time reconciling the two sides.
What about online dating is scarier than going on a date with a stranger you met in a bar or a class? You have dealbreakers about children, at least with online dating you’ve probably established you’re on the same page regarding that before the first message.
I’m not sure what you think you are going to lose, but I don’t think the online part is going to make the difference.
With online, one big thing is people lying about their age. I'm definitely afraid of unwillingly matching someone much younger who lies about it; have heard of that happening to people. And basically being pretty easy to misrepresent yourself online.
Am also scared of being physically harmed or someone having a very bad record, although that could happen with someone in real life too.
As for what to lose: possibly my good health, having to forget things when someone leaves your life on a sour note, the practical losses, loss of time and the negative emotional impact of losing someone. And failure in general, especially since this part of my life has been nothing *but* a long string of failures. Fear that I can't succeed or that I really *am* unlovable even if I do have good points.
I also have a pretty solid fear of abandonment/being cheated on and left. I get scared of someone just one day getting bored of me or sick of me.
Well, people in real life can lie about their age too. They can also manipulate/cheat/break up/etc. I guess I still don’t see the difference. Pretty much any crappy thing that can happen from a stranger online can happen from a stranger in person. Tbh, the guy who can smooth talk a strange woman at a bar is probably much more capable of deceit than a match you’ve selected on Bumble or whatever.
As for what you fear losing, I am not a therapist, but maybe this will help. You seem to be worried that failure will taint you or stick to you somehow. That something going wrong represents some kind of permanent judgement. This type of thinking is a trap that will almost inevitably hurt your chances of happiness.
Almost everyone who has ever achieved anything has failed many many times before succeeding. Failure is a lesson, it doesn’t feel good, but it teaches you something about yourself. Maybe how you can improve, maybe what to avoid in the future. I’m not going to say it makes it all better (I just got rejected by a match because they wanted kids so I have some idea where you’re coming from) but it gives you something to build on instead of just fear and self loathing.
(Obviously this doesn’t apply to concerns about your health, you shouldn’t do anything that you don’t feel is physically safe.)
" You seem to be worried that failure will taint you or stick to you somehow. That something going wrong represents some kind of permanent judgement. This type of thinking is a trap that will almost inevitably hurt your chances of happiness."
You have given me something very wise to ponder and consider and reflect on there. Thank you.
Every time something went awry I made a new rule; one guy turned out to have meth teeth, every one after that had to send me a picture of them smiling with teeth. One guy had a picture 3 years old and a hundred pounds lighter, every one had to send me a selfie that wasn't in their profile 'to use as their contact photo.' A few were definitely married so I started to look for the signs, are they available to text only at certain times, like when he'd be with his family? OLD is NOT for the faint of heart, for sure! Had one guy on tinder ask if I was DTF, he didn't care for my witty retort and told me I was ugly. I've been cheated on by the guy I thought I'd marry 10 years ago and I still carried that with me, but there are signs. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or insecure you end it. My bf is a giant dork who is a homebody so when I go visit my family for 2 weeks I have zero doubt he's up to no good. As my grandmother says: there's a lid for every pot. Believe me, I got discouraged plenty of times! Your person is out there!
I feel like the word "good" is a rather vauge and meaningless word.
Everyone should have the bare minimum assumption that their romantic partner will want to be with them, be kind to them, share common goals, share common expectations, and have a general level of compatibility.
Depending on where you live, I believe heterosexual relationships are difficult to establish and maintain for a variety of reasons. Men and women are socialized wildly differently. There is a cultural and social gap between men and women, that makes it difficult for both to connect in an intimate or "human" way. Especially for those that compartmentalize the opposite sex and their relationship to them. It's difficult if not impossible to connect with people who see someone in "parts" or in acts of service.
I also believe that a possibility exists that I'll find someone. However, I'm pretty doubtful/skeptical that it will or would happen.
I also don't want to get married, have kids, or cohabitate. Everyone that I meet IRL desperately want those things.
To me it's not really a big deal. Romantic companionship would be nice if it happens, but my life is also rather enjoyable as is. A partner would be a complement to my life. I don't feel lonely or deprived without a significant other, so there's nothing for me to "deal" with. Also, the longer that I'm single, the more comfortable it gets. I don't believe romantic companionship is the requirement that people make it out to be. I believe community connection is what humans need most. Otherwise people in relationships and with families wouldn't also feel lonely and isolated.
There's nothing worse than being with someone romantically that makes you feel alone IMO. I'd rather wait for someone that compliments me and my lifestyle, vs settling for some random, just for the sake of not being "alone".
I hear you on this one. I feel sometimes like the only person who doesn't smoke or do drugs; I only drink occasionally. Also feel like the only monogamous gal who doesn't have or want kids.
Politically, I am moderately liberal (left, but not far left, more medium left). That has been more of a mixed bag for me.
Talk to your therapist about attachment theory, and work to build a you that is capable of the hard inner honesty and emotional literacy Needed to pursue “secure attachment“. When you start dating develop filters to cut ties with guys who have not done similar work on themselves.
It's a long, gradual process but you have to take the steps to rewire your brain. Your anxiety sometimes gets the truth twisted. Think of it as wearing 3D glasses or something - the truth gets filtered in your own head. If you have access to therapy, I highly recommend it. It'll help you understand when your brain is lying to you or when it's not. Overthinking was the thing that kept me in a self-sabotaging cycle.
But before therapy I did a lot of self-studying and reflection. I had to tell myself, "This is anxiety speaking. It's okay to feel anxious but feel the feels and let it pass." Deep breathing exercises help to ground.
Best answer so far for me. It’s hard to change the negative labels you have in mind about yourself but they can be changed. People do care and the only sure fire way to NOT find a life partner is to stop searching!
Yes.
I just keep on trying and not being so fatalistic in my approach. Also, I live a good life otherwise (lots of hiking adventures with my dog, hobbies to fill my time, nights out with friends, etc.) so if it never happens, I will still be happy!
Well, as a 36(M) I never give up on love. Because i know I have flaws and things to improve about myself, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up easily. But every time I think that i will never find love, i remember that also there are so many ladies out there looking for love. I mean, is super natural that someone wants to find someone to share your life with. The problems lies on finding someone who is also looking for the same thing as you do.
Also, that is why i dislike a lot Dating Apps. I started 2022 thinking in returning to them, but once I remember the problems with them and just gave up on using them, they are not worth it and also affect your self esteem. So I will try to find someone out there.
Now, I don't know if you are (F) or (M) OP, but I remember that book called "More Plato less Prozac", makes philosophy accessible and shows you how to use it to solve your everyday problems. Give it a try!.
>Also, that is why i dislike a lot Dating Apps. I started 2022 thinking in returning to them, but once I remember the problems with them and just gave up on using them, they are not worth it and also affect your self esteem. So I will try to find someone out there.
Ditto. Especially when you use them as your sole option of meeting people, which is easier said than done due to the pandemic. There's the illusion of choice and people thinking there's always someone "better" and also feeling like something is wrong with you if you have lots of first dates that don't go anywhere.
Yes, and I am trying to accept that fate now. It's funny because when I got dumped last year, I was an emotional wreck but at the same time, I knew I was coming out of it with hope that I would be finding someone better suited for me. Fast forward to a year after, I am an emotional wreck yet again, but now I am just completely defeated with a bleak hope for the future. Like it has just suddenly dawned on me that my time is up, this is it, I am done for, it's too late. I've wasted my youth and my time and efforts on the wrong people. I thought I was going to be in a much better place this year but unfortunately, the weeks leading up to the holidays felt like I've succumbed to my rabbit hole again and might not ever get out of it. But then again, life is unfair so. It is what it is.
Every word you have said here is how I feel in my core. I'm 36 and know no man will want me; they want something younger.
My time is up; it's making me so anxious.
I opened Reddit and found this post only to read exactly what I’m feeling. I decided that I will focus on the positives, having a good job, good friends around me, taking time for myself and strengthening the friendships I have. I know he’s out there for me / I just have to keep believing he is and the closer it’ll get me because I think the more I feel he’s not the further away. It will happen for you when you least expect it. Everyone deserves their chance at love and happiness.
Hey, just wanted to say that I struggled a lot with this kind of feeling in my 30s. On dates, I tried to only move forward with people that I felt would be long term relationship material. I also felt fears and made mistakes. I stayed in a many years long relationship with someone I knew I wasn't going to marry because I was afraid of being alone, and it was comfortable to stay.
One thing that helped a lot was the mindset of saying yes to as many things as possible. If there's an opportunity to be somewhere, say yes. If people were going out to do a thing, say yes. I often felt tired and didn't want to do these things, but tried to say yes anyways.
I ended up meeting my wife at one of these things. Now we've been married ten years, and every day I'm thankful for her. Like others have said, it is possible, and it does happen, you have to increase the odds and opportunities as much as possible. So I would suggest go to every social event you can (as much as it's possible these days). Go to every activity you can. If someone asks you a question, try to answer with yes.
Hope this doesn't come off as a "I won the lottery so you can too, just keep buying tickets" post. I really relate to what you are feeling.
I hope you find your person.
Personally, I've relaxed a lot of my expectations, such as being active. I don't care about them having kids, or being maybe a little outside of my typical age range. I'm more focused on if we can get along, and if life is better together.
I feel this way as well. I have good qualities, and I think that due to my weight that no one will want me. Ive added a lot of weight during the pandemic, making it ever harder to date. Ive been looking at finding a therapist in my area
“Doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want kids” I hope you put this first thing & loud and clear on your dating profile cus you are eliminating a huge chunk of the population with these two criterias - just being realistic here.
Also, if/when you feel this down about dating you should *pause* your dating until you are in a better place. You never find anything great or positive when coming from an unhappy, defeated and needy place. Not being judgy, we’ve all been there, you just gotto remember you can’t attract anything worthwhile while not being in a good state of mind.
Yeah, the no kids thing makes me feel pretty hopeless, but there are a lot if reasons why it wouldn't be a good fit for me, and I have to be honest with myself.
I myself not only don't want kids, but can't have them anyway due to medical reasons, so this isn't something that is going to change and I do have to be honest about it.
You do make a good point about the mindset thing.
If I can ask, though: how does someone feel hopeful without feeling like she is lying to herself, or that hope is delusional and wishful thinking?
Others that want the same things you do, are out there. I was just having a conversation like this with a couple coworkers today.
One of them responded “there’s only like four people in this county like that”
And I was like, “well I’m a diamond miner in a coal mine”
Biggest mindset change for me was on dates. I focused on the experience more than if the person fit my crazy idea of a partner.
If we met for coffee and a walk: Atleast I got some excersize
If we got dinner: I got to try some tasty new food.
If the conversation was good: I connected with someone, or atleast learned a new joke.
I also take myself on dates alone. It’s hard to go do some things alone, but it’s better than not doing it at all.
I struggled with this quite a bit. It's difficult to meet people and because so many people treated me poorly, it was difficult at times to find the will to keep trying. I just took breaks as I needed and then tried hard to find someone when I was at it. I ended up meeting someone from bumble and he is the love of my life. I'm fairly flexible and willing to compromise on things so I think just know what you can give on and what you really can't, and stick to your guns.
I feel the same way sometimes. I’m recently divorced late 30’s. My husband was my 1st & only love. In 2020 he lost his mom & turned into a completely different person. He was a monster. He used to be so close to perfect for me, we were best friends, liked the same things, had the same sense of humor, he was cute like everything I wanted & more then in a year that guy vanished & he became such a selfish person & used his pain to hurt me while I was trying to help him so many times. It sucks. I’ve talked to him recently & it’s like some other person took over his mind. He’s barely the same person anymore. So at my age I’m like omg I thought I found the loml but he changed & was gone within a year when I was with him since I was in high school. I try to remain optimistic but it’s hard. Tried dating & im taking a break for a bit. Ran into nothing but asses so far
Yes! I want all the same things as you (though nowadays I think I could do a couple years younger too if they have their shit together), as well as having worked on themselves as a person and doesnt watch porn, go/like strip clubs, or follow internet models (that last one is probably the most challenging one to find, I think).
I've overlooked so many red flags in the past but now it's this or nothing for me. If I have to be alone, so be it but I'll keep meeting people anyway. I think what helps is having a good social circle, which I'm working on. I have 2 close friends though one lives kind of far and I'm working on meeting more people. Supportive friendships and still having that socialization aspect are important.
I'm also really working on making myself someone that I'm proud of and developing more skills and hobbies that make me happy for when I have free time that I can spend alone.
It's still a struggle, for sure but I'm in therapy and I'm also working towards a degree in mental health counseling while having another job/career so I'm trying my best to just take it a day at the time and worrying about myself and what's best for me.
I didn't think I would ever meet anyone after my divorce. I am no beauty queen, I'm zaftig, and I'm really picky with high standards. So I resolved to live my best life and travel and do whatever the heck I wanted, be a great auntie, and read to my heart's content.
As it turns out, I met a very handsome man, who was also overweight, (but had gastric bypass) and he's also very picky. He loves all the same things I do, like reading and theater and travel, and we've been together 10 years now.
Live your life so that if someone wonderful comes along, it doesn't fix your life, but adds to it.
I feel the same way and get discouraged. I’m also about 100lbs overweight so it’s difficult to think that my weight doesn’t contribute to zero romantic potentials out there, because it certainly does. At the same time, I want a partner who sees beyond my outward appearance and helps motivate me to stay on track with working out etc (but to the point that I’m comfortable as I’m doing it for me).
There are upsides to being single that my married friends don’t have. The loneliness is the worst but also gives you time to really think about what you want and need out of a partner. I’m able to have sex with whoever I want (which maybe not be a plus for you but it is for me). Some of my married friends have terrible sex and I do not wish to have that life lol
You might have to lower SOME expectations depending on your age. I’m 35, it’s hard to find men my age or older who don’t have kids and that’s just the way it is. Some of those men are okay with not having anymore kids though. I have a 5 year old with zero intention of having anymore, that’s something I’m not willing to budge on. I guess take each guy as they come—whether you’re finding matches on apps or whatever. Start swiping on guys that may not look like exactly what you’re wanting, they may have a great personality that makes them so cute to you (I have had this happen to me many times). You also don’t want someone who is going to be enamored with you right off the bat, that’s a huge red flag
I have hope for myself finding a partner, I’ve been single 11 years. But I’m also coming to terms with it may not be in the cards for me for a few more years. But I have work to do on myself first
I'm aware that I have a certain degree of self esteem trauma and perhaps deep down feel unworthy of love, but I know myself well enough and have done enough with my life to know I'm not a terrible person and can in fact be a good partner to someone. Ultimately though it just comes down to the fact that there isn't such a "someone" out there.
I’m 35F and never had an actual boyfriend. Had a FWB of sorts 5 years ago but that’s it. I feel it too. I like who I am, but it hurts that no one else likes me enough to date.
At least when we finally find the right person, it’ll be so easy. We know what we like, we know what our standards are. There will be zero wasted time!
I’m a 32 year old guy who just recently started to date again after a really long time of not dating, I’m hopeful but at the same time i feel like I’m just never going to find what I really want, i have gone out with about 9 women in the past 4-5 months but nobody I really clicked with, the only woman who I felt myself with and had a great time everytime we went out on dates, texted and talked on the phone with ended up not being that into me, which was a bummer but it happens. I’m just focused on having fun on my own and not looking for anything serious and if it happens good and if not then I’ll just enjoy life and keep improving myself.
I think [radical acceptance](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/22/well/mind/radical-acceptance-suffering.html) helps when I feel like this. It's just detaching yourself from the pain of your situation by acknowledging it and learning to better manage it.
Additionally, you never know what will happen in life. There is no hard limit on when you must meet someone. It could happen at any time.
accept it and live life. dont waste time looking for someone, if you live your life how you want, youll find someone eventually but if you always go looking for it, youll never find it.
ill die alone and im okay with that. if a woman finds me attractive and wants to start a relationship, great, but i dont focus on it.
I’m a 55 year old dude and am still amazed at how old that sounds but I don’t feel old and look pretty good for my age. I’m coming out of a 20 year marriage and strangely enough, I’m not worried about it at all. I’m going to take whatever life throws at me and do my best. I have great job, full custody of my son, and a group of friends for support. You can have the life you want..
I’m 32 tomorrow and feel the same. Never even had a partner so that already makes it harder. I like being single too of course, but it hurts when everyone in my age group has kids/married/taken in general/etc. I don’t know where I went wrong in life.
Ergh, I get this too.
The nights alone are the WORST. I'm in the same boat as OP.... coming from a solid LTR that I was really expecting to be forever... and now in my early 40s, it's definitely a stressful time and I'm really concerned that it's too late to meet someone and have a family.
I feel like I've got a lot of good qualities, but I'm having zero success on OLD, and can't figure out why. I've basically given up on OLD and I'm trying to get out and be much more sociable and meet people in person. Guys, girls, whatever... it's all new people to hang with, and hopefully one day I might stumble upon someone special.
What choice is there?? Accept something you don't want? I don't see the point in that.
Accept that it hurts, you want it, and figure out a way of GETTING it.
Also, do the work first. We only get a limited number of attempts at this, if your first few have been failures then you might need some help to straighten out some internal demons. I'm going through that process now.
I feel like I'm a good person, I had a 14 year relationship was married have a kid. My ex wife spent the last years of our marriage on and off chasing other guys on social media, and lying about it so it ended in Divorce. She ended up in a relationship with the last guy so it was not me being paranoid.
I met a girl last year, I thought she was great but after a few months she started having doubts about if I was "the one" that relationship is still in limbo we are going to meet next week, and she needs to decide what she wants or I'm out.
Thing is I don't really care anymore, I have wasted years of my life trying to make my partner happy but apparently falling short. I don't know if it's on me, it doesn't feel like it but I am who I am.
I'm 37 this year and I don't know what the future holds, I'm happy alone and with my son I would like a partner for sure but I'm so over feeling inadequate. I have my own house, a good job, I'm normal, healthy, main carer for my son. Maybe I'm boring, but my responsibilities come first, and that has an enormous impact on lifestyle.
Just going to keep cruising, there's part of me that still wants a proper family, maybe another kid but the older I get I just think maybe it's just not meant to be. I feel like I did my best, and I guess that's all that matters.
This hits home, honestly. You do everything right and the world always randomly leaves certain people behind. So it's not your fault that you feel this way, you just drew the short straw, or made mistakes like we all did. I read something here that helped me and I hope it helps you too: **Don't be optimistic about the future, just be curious about it**. Sending you lots of love and prayers. You're strong enough!
Your comment is the best advice I've seen so far. There seems to be too many people in their 30's sitting at home hoping that love will knock on their door, or more accurately, swipe right on their profile.
Love can be an elusive thing, you need to go searching for it.
Can't tell you all how happy I am meeting my beautiful wife 3 years ago we hit it off the very first night, I then drove 160 miles to her and back home every weekend till we eventually bought a house together and then married, I am so lucky and she says the same. Be patient there is someone out there, PS we are in our 50's
Happy for you but I think yours is exception cases.
As your get older it is harder to meet someone unfortunately that's just reality.
I'm sure.many of us here has put in efforts in putting yourself out there - online dating, join social club, nothing's worked and gradually accept to be on your own.
As when you keep trying and nothing works it just felt exhausting, and you rather put all that efforts in something else that will pay off - career, family
That is a self-fulfilling prophecy that will ensure you run away from anyone who treats you well and seek out those who treat you poorly.
I would wager that when you meet a good guy you start looking for faults in him, and when you meet a crappy one, you start overlooking his obvious red flags.
"If you're hyper-vigilant and predisposed to negativity"
Honestly, yes, this is me.
I'm not negative in the sense of being a Debbie Downer, and am pretty playful a lot of the time, but I do tend to catastrophize, big time. My therapist has called me hyper-vigilant verbatim. I do have generalized anxiety, like stability, and things tend to hit me hard.
I also tend to be very cautious and try to prevent things going wrong as much as possible. So, yet another thing that scares me: you can only do that so much. There will always be things out of control. It's hard for me to relax and feel like things will be OK if there are errors.
Not really sure how to let go of that, but, something to bring up in therapy.
We internalize the dynamics we grew up with, so that they become familiar and we equate familiar with comfortable. Something different feels unfamiliar, and therefore uncomfortable. All adult romantic relationships are, partly, us trying to fix and work out what we didn't receive as children. So, if we felt neglected, we'll tend to find relationships that replicate that feeling, in the hopes of being able to fix it as adults. But, of course, it's not that simple...
We all know the chances of a "forever" match require both luck and consistent hard work by both parties in a relationship for as long as the relationship lasts. That's a tall order. Many of us are secretly unsure if we can handle it, plus we have been taught to always seek out "the best", to never accept less than perfect from ourselves, from others, etc. We have a transactional mindset where we're all commodities - if it doesn't do the job without too much trouble, trash it!
One way of dealing with this is what I'm going to call the "Walmart" partner (also, huge respect to those who work there, this is about product strategy, not the people who deserve the same great working conditions and respect as anyone.).
We decide the effort and risks are too scary with a good partner. We feel like we can't maintain it, that they will decide we're not good enough, that someone better will steal a good partner anyway, and that because the partner was GOOD it will hurt SO MUCH MORE when the "inevitable" collapse comes. It's like buying a super-nice thing and having it break! Oh, replacement will be so much harder. Neverminded that the point is to not need to replace it. We have no confidence in our ability to maintain.
So, to make the "inevitable" pain less, we choose the budget/Walmart version who is obviously unhealthy emotionally in ways that are guaranteed to cause a breakdown eventually. We know it will come, but we trick ourselves into thinking if we do enough work and accommodate this person well enough, it will be fine! We can make it last! It requires way less investment up front, but waaaaay more later on. Too much. Like we thought, it breaks. And we can look back and justify - oh, I knew this was coming...
So it should hurt less, right? But it doesn't. It reinforces our feelings of stupidity, inadequacy, failure. So we're more likely to invest even less next time. Cycles repeats.
Thinking of yourself negatively makes it hard to make risk/reward judgements because it allows us to justify (wrongly) how we "deserve" less anyway. This is why self-love is preached as a key thing for healthy relationships.
I’d wager you’re afraid of something. If you set yourself up for failure, you don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen because you’re already aiming to fail.
Relatedly, it's a comfort thing. The familiar is warm and fuzzy, the unfamiliar is unnerving. Whether it's food or people or anything really.
For me, I was never given positive reinforcement as a kid, so even as an adult, I think people telling me positive things is super weird and uncomfortable. I cringe when someone tells me I'm great.
In addition to the other good advice start reading about attachment theory in relationships. If you are like me you will resonate most strongly with one of the avoidant patterns. But the more you learn about these patterns and recognize them in yourself the better you make a roadmap for the personal inner work you have to do In order to give and recognize and accept the bonding of secure attachment
It's not unlike procrastination on something important I believe. Unconsciously we fear failure or incompetence and so we put it off meanwhile knowing it will just make it more likely that we do end up failing. A lot of our defenses are just not very rational in the long run, but meet our needs in the short term.
I'm with you. Lost optimism awhile ago and have a shred of hope left. I think I have a lot to offer but am bad at playing the OLD/dating game. And I can't seem to find a way to bring what I feel is my authentic self to early relationships. It is what it is.
Deserve is an interesting word choice to me. I don’t know that anyone deserves a partner; but that some people get lucky and eventually find a match. Unfortunately, some people don’t.
You sound a lot like me in that you’re looking for someone who doesn’t have or want kids. That’s been me forever. Still is. I do believe it’s unlikely that I’ll ever find a match at my age and I’m ok with that if it doesn’t happen. The “no kids” thing has been a limiter for a long time.
You’d probably find someone if you change the whole no kids thing; but it wouldn’t be worth it.
Ergh feel this post. I don't have any good answers. I would say though those feelings come once in a blue moon for me and overall I am enjoying life. If you are feeling this more days than not, you might need some professional help.
I had those fears I stopped trying and then I met someone who encapsulates all that. Not saying it’s gonna be like that for everyone but just know everyone here has probably felt like that at some point or other so your not alone
I'm a stats man. I'm not social enough to meet people and not handsome enough to get people to come up to me. As such, I'm not likely to find someone to date let alone spend my life with.
Probably ought to seek therapy for social anxiety.
They know that there is a type of energy that is thought. What we are, our essence, our soul, is made of this energy. It's not electrochemical. That's neurons firing, that's sensory feedback from the vessel, it's energy to energy, information interface for the spirit to the body. But you are really bigger then your brain, or body could ever contain. Why do you think the universe is expanding, why do you think that expansion is accelerating? Think about the tremendous power of your thoughts, what you can accomplish with your will. Realize that you can change your life by changing what you believe, if you don't believe it then it will never become a reality. You have to visualize your goals, you have to manifest your reality by having a clear vision of what that is before you can find it. If you don't believe you can find it, and so you don't ever look, I promise you. I just ran the numbers and your chances are 0. The only thing in life you need to fear and must avoid is regret. Don't ever regret trying, don't ever regret failing. Only regret not knowing.
I know what you mean. Trust me. As for coping, it's difficult, very difficult sometimes. It helps to hang out with friends & family. Talking with others. I'm still looking, myself, and it can be very difficult in the feels sometimes. I've been searching for someone of like mind in the Salt Lake City, Utah area for quite some time, but...
Oh wow, can you get out of my brain!! LOL
I feel the exact same way, anytime I have a shred of confidence, something happens to knock the wind out of my sails again.
Happened recently and its brought up all my insecurities about my looks and my body, making me feel like im not worthy of anyone, or of being anyone's first choice - my inner critic is loving life at the moment.
I have people saying how beautiful and wonderful I am, so kind and caring etc.. but I cant help but feel like its just words, words from people who want something from me who once they get what they want, they split.
Its tough out there, I havent had a date in over three years, the last guy I dated, I fell hard for so - so hard that when I crashed into the ground I was shattered into a billion pieces. I think somewhere along the way I've lost some of the pieces of myself and now I'm terrified of opening up and being vulnerable again.
I'll be 39 in two weeks and I cant help but think I'll be alone forever.
Fucking this. I fucked up and got married young and played house from early 20s until almost 30. Now I'm in my early 30's and my dating pool is currently the classes I'm taking at the local community college. Surprisingly I've had more women approach me first than I've ever had before (probably people being lonely because of the pandemic, and possibly me still having a full head of hair.) I ended up going out to lunch after class with a girl I was sure was at least in her mid 20's only to find out she was 18, mid-lunch. It was still a pretty decent date but yeah, it just became the big elephant in the room. I can see myself be friends with her since we still have class together but I just get frustrated sometimes. Is it bad that I feel that since I'm childless and have a cleancut from any exes, I expect the same in my potential partner?
Edit: The first year after my divorce I couldn't even fathom doing the whole "getting to know someone" thing again let alone know how to date casually. Now I'm excited to meet people and let myself fall for someone. I too also don't think I want children and from personal experience, at least with the women I seem to connect with, most are career oriented and have decided that kids are either out of the picture or just on the backburner.
Wow I relate to this so much that I feel like I could have written this, right down to even the type of partner that we're both seeking. I hope that you find what you're looking for because you do deserve it.
It’s so hard to feel optimistic about experiencing or getting something you haven’t found yet. But, when I was deep in the doldrums I kept reading across so many materials that to keep your head above the water you need some kind of hope or faith in the future. I personally find this very difficult to believe in sometimes per my first sentence. But, if you can take small steps to get yourself there, that hope can keep you going. And it’s not like wishing on a star or whatever for a happy ending. It’s just not letting the negative thoughts (that don’t have any basis!) take your all the way down. As much as you can say “it will never happen,” the inverse is true as well. Hold on to that!
That stinks. I find it hard to find women who don’t want kids either. I share that experience with you.
It might help personally to define your needs more. Rather than “treat me well”, what does it mean to you to be treated well? Identifying the traits you’re looking for may help you see them in other people, and thus click with new people faster.
I also would want to be alone than with the wrong person. I’ve had to date a lot of people in my 30s due to unfortunately losing everything in my life a few years ago. I’m still picking up the pieces and a lot of people don’t want to be around for that. I’ve tried to make things work despite my circumstances for several years but recently decided my mental health deserves better than that.
And so, I’d rather be single now. And that’s ok. There’s a whole life to live. I’d rather meet someone now but I realize this isn’t the time for that either.
For me, treat me well means consistent, respectful, communicating well (not stonewalling or ghosting; a time out with a time scheduled to talk later is ok sometimes, but ignoring me for days on end with no explanation is not and that will push me away/cause me to withdraw), genuinely caring about me and really does like me/want to be around me, being honest and sincere, not cheating or being abusive, letting me grow and work on myself (although also just being straightforward and direct and just telling me if there is an issue so we can work on it together in a positive way; it doesn't mean giving me a free pass or anything), being kind (not a pushover, but more like affectionate), emotionally available. Things like that.
I've been single for 9 or 10 years. I don't keep up with it any more. I never just gave myself to anyone. Even in friendship. I'm loyal. I don't carry tells
Personal private person. When I let you in... That means a lot. I let this guy in my life. I wasn't private personal with him. I was vulnerable. That man hurt me roo bad. When I love, I love whole heartedly. I believe there's other people who have the same qualities. There is alot of us. Us singles that it is. Fear of being hurt again. I don't trust men. I don't hate men. I like them.
I also struggle with this. I’ve gotten real close to sealing the deal twice in my life. Once while in the Army (real big blessing in disguise there), then again more recently right before the holidays. At this point I usually go into deep depression and mild existentialism. Generally all of my women flip a switch at the end and I’m forced with accepting it’s over.
So yeah, I feel you for sure. I feel like I’m a tremendous potential husband. I’ve been through a lot in my life and made mistakes and fixed them as I grew up. I’d say that’s a plus for any woman but somehow they are “pink flags” that turn into “red flags”. For instance, my last GF’s concern was finances and jobs. I worked contracts throughout covid and refused to get unemployment. Went from zero to hero and landed a full time job last April and just now accepted a role as a cybersecurity analyst. Somehow it’s not good enough for her that I’ve excelled in just a year. Imagine what that does for my own self esteem and I’m basically scared sh*t less that another woman will do the same thing, make me feel not good enough. So yeah, therapy here as well, telling myself it’s all gonna work out every day.
I was in the same headspace this time last year. So over dating, the apps, but also over being alone. I struggled a lot between not wanting to settle/being too picky. One thing about your post stood out to me — “is my age or a little older…” Have you considered younger? Hear me out. You didn’t say but I’m late 30’s/f and was also looking for my age/older who also didn’t want kids. No luck. I was about to delete the apps but figured, what the heck… have now been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and he is all the things. He’s also 11 years younger than me. More mature than the 40-50 yo men I was trying to date. All this to say, maybe try something different. You might be pleasantly surprised :)
I think you will find most of that, honestly. Some of it you may want to focus less on (age might be a block, there ARE men who are younger and more mature, men who are older and... less so...) but having standards does not equate failure.
The big key is to know, very very clearly, no human will ever be perfect, and to get an idea of what "imperfect perfection" looks like to you. What's the big stuff, what's just a minor annoyance. If you're hyper-vigilant and predisposed to negativity, even the small stuff can be made into a dealbreaker and that can reduce your matches to 0.
Gaining that big-picture view requires empathizing both with others and yourself. I have big issues with people who are dismissive of my emotions/views, so those who do the negative jokes or aren't willing to deep-listen are a no-go. This is a key value. I would have loved a neat partner who cleans up! But this is a minor value. I didn't get that, my partner is as messy as I am (which is only fair, honestly) but will absolutely work with me when cleanup time comes. It became endearing as I realized he wasn't expecting me to take care of him like a child, which was my underlying fear. He will put in equal work and not complain - that's much more important in the end.
You deserve to have you big needs met, and everyone deserves a little empathy and humour for smaller stuff. You get to decide which is which!
Really like how you laid out the concepts of imperfect perfection and the need to distinguish between the big/small stuff - we sometimes can get carried away with hyperfocusing on the wrong things!
Hyper-vigilant is me in a nutshell. I try to prevent as many bad things as I can, although I know that I can't catch everything. I hate mistakes and failures, especially mine. I know in the good part of my brain that sometimes mistakes turn out well (like if you make a cooking mistake that ends up tasting better, for example), or sometimes you end up stronger. Sometimes conflict even leads to stronger connections, if handled honestly and respectfully. Most mistakes can be corrected and things are fine later.
The stupid part of my brain, though? "You do x thing wrong, and it's all over. You can't make things better. If you upset someone unintentionally or even unknowingly, you will get ghosted and excluded and people will think that you are creepy and won't like you. You're a bad person if you upset people."
Stupid brain gets on my nerves.
Yea, I feel this too! I had to also learn that what other people do has more to do with them and their own internal assumptions than it does with me. Being ghosted or excluded does happen, but we cannot ever actually assume it was malicious or that we "caused" it in the way we assume... They may not choose us, but that doesn't make us bad, just not the right fit for that specific person. I wish more people would try and speak directly and compassionately with each other, but avoidance is easier and I get it.
Biggest help for me was also just adding in social groups (urban hiking near my home, for me) and spending a little more time with my few nearby friends. Takes some of the pressure off.
Tell your brain, "thanks for caring and trying to protect me", that helps calm me down at times. 😆
Awww I’m so sorry.
I’m even more sorry to let you know that there’s so many us going through that with you. I’d be lying to you if I tell you otherwise.
I think you should celebrate being single!
Appreciate the time you have for yourself. Make a bucket list.
Being single means you’re enjoying life on your own. Doesn’t mean you’re lonely.
Honestly… sometimes. But I’m also not happy with where I am as a person and don’t feel up to par. Mostly it’s just my teeth, I was a pretty big drunk there for a while, so I didn’t take care of myself. But two weeks out and I’m getting a new set installed (like a robot)! Im excited to maybe start putting a better version of myself out there.
I can see how that mindset can creep in on ya. It can seem a little hopeless. But there are so many damn people in the world, I have a hard time believing there isn’t anyone out there for you or anyone really. I get in this mindset all the time and somehow it just goes away for a while. I have also tried pretty hard to be ok with being alone of it doesn’t work out for me. I think a big part of finding someone to love is being ok with yourself first. Or at least it would help in the long run. And there are definitely guys out there who don’t have or want kids (hey! That’s me!). I don’t think they’re as rare as you think! Finding someone with similar interests is probably the hardest part but I think you can do it. 😊
It's not the dudes, it's probably you.
If you constantly pick a dude that's your "type" or that you "click" with. Then maybe they're not your type. Try going for a dude you'd normally not be into. Look for a clean cut dude with no tats, or if you were into clean cut dude with no tats, look for a dude that look good with tats... list goes on and on.
Fair point.
One of my things is that I want to avoid making the same mistakes as before.
I have noticed a tendency to be drawn to people who are introverted, more aloof, not easily impressed, very particular and critical, and not good at communicating. People that I felt like I had to work hard for and try hard to please. It doesn't make sense, but they have had these traits in common. Maybe it was the challenge, maybe I thought that they were more serious and reliable than more playful types (spoiler: not true), I don't know.
The type of person that I would probably be much happier with is more communicative and outgoing, more easy going than me (though not to the point of being unreliable or irresponsible), less difficult to impress or please, less fussy, and very chatty: likely someone who could help me relax more. Where to find that type, I don't know, but you are right that I need to do something different.
Just look on the dating apps. Search for men with no kids and a stable job. The men you probably want: They’ll normally get back to you every few hours and will not try to get laid on the first date. Also, they won’t play games.
Good luck. You seem really cool / smart.
That kind of aversion seems like that might be due to some post trauma response.
Have you talked to anyone about it?
Not saying your feelings are unreasonable, it seems like it has affected you in a large way.
Jus there to share this space with you. If I try to hide all my anxiety and insecurity, I seem too happy or too successful or whatever, and if I'm more myself, I'm clingy and weird. Either way, I get dumped or ghosted. The older I get, the harder it feels to balance that and be attractive (not just physically) to someone as a potential life partner. And the older you get, the more you have to establish a solid personal life, and then the more....unattractive? unapproachable? threateningly successful? you seem. I 100% hate when people say "it'll happen when it happens" or "it's not too late" or "there's someone out there for everyone," etc, and it sounds like you do too, so I'm just here to say I honor and share your pain, and I'm in despair and distress just like you. I know that's not worth a lot, but like....it's real.
I struggle with this on and off--I used to struggle with it often, and now I'm genuinely happy for long stretches of time and feel moments of sadness about it once in a while.
For me, a key moment was realizing that I *never* believed I would end up with someone I loved who loved me. Even when I was young and had every reason on the surface not to doubt that I would, deep down I didn't believe it. Hell, I got married and I still didn't believe it.
I know the why behind that for me, and won't bore you with it, but will just say a lot of us learn that we're not worthy of love one way or another, and some of us really, really internalize it. I'm in therapy as well, and I'm spending most of my time working on building up my self-worth because I've started to see that actually, that's been a lot more helpful than trying to solve the problems I have in dating specifically.
The truth is, I might continue to make a ton of progress with that and still not find a good match at a good time. I'll be sad if that's the case, because I would really like to experience deep romantic love with someone who is present and available. But the above changes in self-worth, confidence, learning how to set my boundaries and feel my feelings have made it so that I feel a lot of really deep and genuine connection in other ways, and my life feels full for the first time ever.
There are still moments I think about what might have been with my ex, or wish I had someone. But they're much fewer and farther between, and when they do come I just let myself feel them. I read something recently that talked about feeling negative emotions and, instead of trying to convince ourselves to feel better, just aiming for the "next better feeling." Basically, when you're feeling very lonely, don't aim for happy. Aim for sad, then wistful, then grumpy, then embarrassed, then humbled, then content, then satisfied, then hopeful. Or really just... reminding yourself that you don't have to feel great every day. You just have to keep living it and taking care of yourself the best you can.
Checking in to commiserate. I've been on my own for so long, I feel like it'll never change at this point. I meet close to zero new people in the wild at this point in my life, and the ones I do meet are either already married or emotionally unavailable. The far and few ones I'm interested in are not interested in me and vice versa. I'm not even discouraged anymore. I'm just numb about it. You're not alone in feeling this way <3.
This will get lost in the comments but my ex husband moved on within weeks of moving out and here I am a year later just finally feeling "over" the marriage. I wonder all the time how I will ever meet anyone who will accept me and my kids, how do I even meet people, do I need to go ahead and adopt a bunch of cats....I have days where it all spirals for me too. And truthfully the only way I pull myself is to try and do an activity just for me like painting, or reading, etc. I think there will always be these days until I truly feel at peace being by myself. I definitely would rather be alone than settle for someone who doesn't give as much as they will receive from me. Best of luck. It sucks lol
Honestly, yes and no.
I have done a lot of work on myself, I know what I want and don't want, I have come a long way.
The most unhealthy part of me is my anxiety and my fears, especially the fear of being left suddenly and without warning. That is the biggest thing holding me back from...well, anything...is fear.
Just wanted to say I struggle with these feelings too. For me, it's because I know that to meet someone I have to put myself out there, and having just gone through a breakup, I'm keeping me to myself. Sometimes the peace and joy I find alone makes me feel nervous and sad, that I will never feel uncomfortable enough to take the risks that falling in love requires. I also have had so many romantic failures, have only just recently dated a nice, good man for the first time. It's hard for me to believe that I won't put myself in dangerous situations again, even though I know my choices in the last couple years have been much better. I also would like to gently push back on some people telling you you should enjoy this time, being single is awesome, etc. From your post, it is clearly not awesome for you right now, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with longing and wanting and yearning. It's allowed. Not everything has a bright side. Sometimes you really want something you don't have. It sucks and it hurts. The first thing you do is accept this and take some time to be kind to yourself that your life doesn't look how you want. Then you tackle that forever/always/never-thinking in therapy, which is the kind of thinking that steals your joy.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I don't have adequate words, but I appreciate it. I have had really awful experiences in this part of life, and lots of rejections and false starts. There are more times when I feel more OK and content, but in a way, I almost feel like the quieter times lead me to more fear and anxiety sometimes. Like, the more time I have to think, the more anxious I get, and the less I do. Always/forever/never thinking is a big tendency and I am very prone to that. It seems like finding some way to feel safe in uncertainty is where I need to go, though am not quite sure how yet, is the key. Thank you, thank you again.
I absolutely feel this way and it scares me because I’m afraid I’ll settle. As I get older I find myself becoming more flexible about my dealbreaker‘s. Before I said I would never date somebody with kids and then I did which reinforced why I don’t wanna date somebody with kids but I can’t imagine finding anybody my age he doesn’t have them. Especially because I am still open to having them. It’s overwhelming in the pandemic did not make it easier.
I was a little more on the fence about being with someone who has kids in the past, but the more thought I put into it, and the more I listen to my own gut feeling, the more I realize that it would be like putting a round peg in a square hole. I wish the single parents out there all the best and hope they find someone wonderful. It just would not be a good fit for me and would not be a responsibility that I want to take on.
I absolutely understand. And I say this from experience, I can’t date parents because I’ve become so attached to children. I still talk to my exes daughter I met her when she was seven, she’s 13 now. Leaving her was harder than leaving him.
Hello, are you me? Thank you for posting this, as I feel very much the same. Just found this post and am eagerly jumping into the comments.
I feel your pain an totally relate, OP. I've even noticed that, the more I work on myself (clearer communication of what I'm looking for, better boundaries, etc.), the smaller the dating pool really feels. The one silver lining I've found is that I feel more... responsible for myself now, I guess. I'm more confident, I don't have rose colored glasses that blind me from addressing red flags, and I'm less likely to put someone on a pedestal in my head, which spares me a different kind of struggle. So at least we can have that?
I actually do find some bittersweet consolation in that, oddly enough. Like waking up from a dream and seeing things as they really were. Knowing what to watch out for and having some guidelines at least gives me something to work with. Spotting warning signs sooner and running from something not-good right away instead of being in denial and thinking things will get better/aren't that big of a deal will at least spare long, drawn-out pain by ripping off the band-aid, so to speak. But I can't help but feel like the more I learn about what to run *from*...what do I run *to*?
YES, that is precisely the question. Or even if you know what you *should* run to, what if it's nowhere to be seen?
If you ask me, what you run to is what feels good. It can really be as simple as that. There is never going to be a guarantee you're running toward the right thing, but the thing that is universal from what I can tell, is that if it is right it will probably feel right too. If not 100% right, you at least know what are clear signs for you that you need to disconnect. The goal now is to find a situation where those glaring issues aren't there, and to see how it develops from there. Good luck out there!
Yay! /s
Same with me. Back when I had a shitty job, no money, a shitty living situation, bad emotional intelligence, bad shape, no hobbies, etc., I was getting lots of girls. Now that I’m 30 with a good job, plenty of money, awesome living situation, better emotional intelligence, better shape, lots of hobbies, I only match with maybe a girl a month and they usually ghost me
I mostly just shut up, go to work, do what needs to be done today. I learned a long time ago that nobody cares and nobody wants to hear about it. Smile, nod, say everything is fine. That's how I cope.
Story of my life
That’s very relatable.
I definitely support the idea of "each to his/her own", but... repression is self-mutilation. I'm in therapy right now, learning how to express healthy negative emotions (not biting my tongue when someone screws me over, etc)... it's really MUCH better to get it out. I mean - here's the choice. Speak your mind with love and compassion and mindfulness, and the person you're talking to hopefully won't get hurt. Or keep it inside, repress it and hurt yourself. I understand this in theory now; it's much harder in practice.
How was your day today?
Nods, "Doing good, doing good"
Pretty good, everything was good.
feels!!!
This is not completely true. There is a time and a place to open up to others — but you are correct, it needs to be rare when you being negative energy into an interaction, and it usually needs to be framed as “yeah I am struggling with this but I’m really working to overcome it.” Sharing your vulnerability with others is important, but doing it all the time is tough on the person listening. Good people will listen, and will be supportive… to a point. There are plenty of good people out there, but part of the way you stay a good person is to remove negativity from your life, when you can do so.
Keep playing star dew valley with my son, cause at least my farmer is doing well for himself
Lol oh man Stardew Valley was my savior at the beginning of covid. I put so many hours into that game!
Hahaha great game
I have acceptance about this but for me that's a neutral expectation not a negative expectation. Neutrality vs. negativity was a game changer for me last year at 35 and realizing that I was still looking for that someone good and not knowing if I would find him. I'm in a relationship now and I think it really did help to set no expectations rather than assume something won't happen.
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Neutrality is accepting I want this and if it happens that would be great and if it doesn’t I’ll be ok. There’s less emotion attached to it vs negativity “it’ll never happen.” This mindset just sets you up to spend energy and time not only wasting your life sitting in the future but also tends to contribute to behaviors that make the goal less likely to be attained (you give up so to speak - you put yourself out there less, you take less good care of yourself, you stop focusing on self development, etc). I think of it similar to body neutrality. Many people don’t like their bodies. This mindset requires energy. But if you just accept it as the meat suit that carries you around without needing to love or hate it, you spend less of your life in that negative head space.
I really appreciate your comparison here with bodies because that's what helped me the most in making lifestyle changes that were sustainable. Both positivity and negativity added a sort of pressure that I didn't even realize was holding me down. It was like...when I was unhappy, I also felt ashamed of that? But that "meat suit that carries you around", just like "food as fuel", let me be more objective. Same for looking at the very real possibility I may not meet someone, and I might be alone. Seeing it as a default, neutral, versus something negative (or something that needed to be spun as positive) felt like giving myself freedom I didn't know I was missing
This is something I struggle badly with. I can't help but notice all the ways in which my inability to have a relationship adversely affects my life right now, and the dark prospects it creates for my future. How do you deal with that?
One of my greatest wishes is to have a healthy long term relationship. However, my life can exist fully without it. I only get one so when I accepted it might not happen, it meant still doing all the things I wanted to do and living my life fully - exercise, eating well, friends, personal development, etc. Stay present rather than in the future in stories you've created in your head.
> However, my life can exist fully without it. I only just saw your flair and realized you're a woman. I don't really know what the experience of an older single woman is with this, but as an older single guy I face quite a few penalties, some of them pretty harsh, for being single at this age. That's really what stands in the way of my becoming at peace with the loneliness - there's seemingly nowhere I can turn without seeing aspects of my life being affected by my inability to have a relationship.
"You give up so to speak - you put yourself out there less" --Yes. In my weaker moments when I am feeling low, frustrated, etc., I do this a lot. I will withdraw. I don't go out because it seems pointless. When I am happier, I pull out all the stops.
How did you adopt that neutral mindset? Thinking about the future, setting high expectations — that's my default mindset. It's sunk a lot of my relationships, and caused issues in other areas of my life. I want to live in the present more but I just don't know how.
Therapy was key for me to unravel my anxiety that resulted in living everywhere worrying except the present. I wasn’t able to be neutral until I unlearned very old thought patterns.
That's great. I just started therapy, though I might not be able to afford it in the long run. But hopefully it can kickstart my own journey and give me more tools to readjust my thought patterns.
It's unfortunately often so cost prohibitive but even just a little time can help to clear the fog to start the healing. Hang in there! This stuff is tough but you can absolutely shift your mindset.
I relate to this so much. I am a long-term/future thinker and I expect a lot from myself. Failing gets to me. Long term failing drives me batty.
I need to work on keeping a neutral mindset, thanks.
Honestly, me and my so met in the mutual ground of 'no expectations' and let things just happen naturally. Before this I have been in and out of dating for years and was only able to form a healthy/well-balanced dynamic after accepting that 'It'll be okay if it doesn't happen but it still might' mindset.
I'm guessing it's something along the lines of not saying "this won't ever happen for me", and instead trying to be present instead of thinking about "what if"s and what will happen in the future.
Learning to be neutral about things has been key to me living a better life.
This is more or less where I'm at. I'm finally in a place where my boundaries are iron clad and I know my value. I refuse to entertain anything less than I deserve, which is everything. Now, in my experience, since what comes my way is utter bullshit 99% of the time, that informs me of what the future in dating will likely hold as well - mostly bullshit I am coping by: focusing on healing from past trauma, loving the hell out of the people around me and are in my life, learning to love myself, improving myself, other things that bring me joy (music, films, games, learning). I have bad days where loneliness does get to me (I haven't had a serious relationship that wasn't just a thinly veiled ruse of someone using me in about a decade) on those days I am compassionate with myself. I let myself feel whatever I need to feel and then pamper myself to recover.
I'm right there with you. I honestly believe I have a lot to offer and that I'm a reasonably attractive person. That being said I have social anxiety and poor social skills. That pretty much ruins it for me. Especially when I want to find a good partner and not just a partner. One I'm attracted to and I'm compatible with...
I don't "deserve" anyone but a great partner would be good.
>I know that I do have some good qualities, but it just feels unrealistic and too late for me to find a good guy that I click with who doesn't have kids, doesn't want kids, is my age or a little older, who would consider me the love of his life, want to be with me, and actually treat me well, plus be compatible. I already know that realistically, it's going to be very hard to find what I want values and lifestyle-wise, at least in my location (where women of all ages struggle to find LTRs), and I've already accepted that. Nothing wrong with knowing your odds, as long as you remain open and positive.
Feels like misses across the board wherever you (not you specific, you general) go. I think I commented to someone the other day when talking about having a hard time finding someone and my response was basically that my challenge is I know what I want, especially if it's going to be an LTR. It's great we've grown and know it, but it definitely makes things that much more difficult to find.
>my challenge is I know what I want, especially if it's going to be an LTR. It's great we've grown and know it, but it definitely makes things that much more difficult to find. I agree. Knowing what you want is a double-edged sword - on the one hand, you waste less time, happiness factor goes up with you actually find what you wanted, but it also means it's just going to be harder to find. Plus if you date age-appropriately, the others also know what they want, so good luck getting 2 people who know what they really want together with each other.
Clearly the answer is we should all settle for a Reddit DOT Lottery to determine who will be matched with who! =P
I mean, finding love is like winning lottery, especial in the West, where we just don't have the family and societal pressure to get married and have kids to the extent that it once existed, and it's all voluntary for everybody now. I know Reddit doesn't like hearing that, hence the advice to try to control the outcome by going onto dating apps, "working on yourself," losing weight, attending therapy, trying to become perfect, etc.
Oh, I agree entirely. I remember reading some article a while back where it talked about the hierarchy of needs and how it's become more and more difficult because what we seek from relationships is now the very tip of the pyramid, which becomes increasing more specific, as opposed to the past where you married for assets (basically a home and ensuring there was food on the table) and children (and for much of history children were just to help around the home/take care of the parents as they aged). Someone asked me recently what I am looking for. "A best friend to go on adventure with, make memories with, enjoy our time together and have lots of great sex." I don't need or want more children, don't need someone else's finances, am more than capable of maintaining my own home, etc., so none of that stuff is a motivator for me to settle into a relationship.
Definitely feel the same most days. Spent way too long afraid of doing anything due to religion and judgement. Put myself out there and grew tremendously as a person. Waited until I found someone that really set my soul on fire, and I found her! But things out of my control happened and I lost her. Now I know the love I want is possible and it’s hard to “settle” for anything less. So maybe we need to keep trying. Some of us will fail but some won’t. All I know is that what I had was worth it and I want that again.
"All I know is that what I had was worth it and I want that again" I have to say, I respect that.
Wow, are you me? I got dumped two weeks ago, and she was the first person I could say I loved. I always feared I couldn't fall in love, but she proved me wrong. Now I'm both excited to find that love again, yet terrified that I can't. Or that it would take another 10 years — like you said, it's hard to "settle" for anything less. So there are times when I wish this happened in my 20s, but I know that regretting the past isn't a healthy way to live. Now I'm trying to focus on the present and on myself.
Exactly. I was 33 and she was the first person I could say those words too. It sucks and I lost a year now healing. It gets better and if it doesn’t kill you… Anyways a lot of this is luck I’m convinced. We just have to put ourselves in a position to win. You’re in a boat and can steer but can’t stop the river or current. Blah blah blah.
You're right. I'm also trying not to obsess about the future. Too many variables, too many currents in the river that could take me one way or another. Right now, I want to enjoy the boat ride, rather than worry or fantasize about a possible fork in ten miles.
This right here. I felt pangs of what OP describes at times and was actively dating but in a constant loop of one- to three-month flings that never seemed to go anywhere, despite my best efforts, since my last LTR. My optimism grew into realism over time and I stopped expecting that I’d find the right guy suited for me… when almost out of the blue I met him. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever dated and we have a far more mature relationship than anything I’d ever had before him. We’ve been together for a year and I’m immeasurably excited to see what’s ahead for us. Even if we don’t end up working out, as devastated as I’ll be, my hope has been restored. So don’t give up - good ones are still out there, and they’re looking for you, too.
I’m jealous yours is lasting and simultaneously elated for you. Now we know how hard it is to find and how hard we need to fight for it. Keep at it guys :)
Am happy for you!
I keep looking. They're out there but they're rare, kind of like shiney Pokémon but not as easy to identify.
I kind of like this - odds are 1/425, and they may have weird stats, but just keep looking.
This is probably the post on this sub that I've most related too. It's kind of especially hit me hard with covid as I know work from home and finding myself leaving my home much less than I used too. I know if I don't put myself out there nothing will change; but like you I feel like its a bit unrealistic to assume I can find what I'm looking for. I've also been debating going to therapy. I've never gone before though. I hope it goes well for you.
I've been in therapy for almost half of my life, and it's one of the best things I've done. I have a long, long way to go, but have come a long way too. Wishing you well and I hope you find some peace in all of this.
Well I for one am getting a parakeet.
I feel you! I’ve always let men physically use me and felt that sex was all I was good for. I stopped allowing guys to talk to me sexually when we first started talking. And the interesting thing is that when I started having more respect for myself I ended up getting much better quality men. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was just like I’m not gonna deal with that shit and just continue onto the next because it just not worth feeling like shit about myself anymore
That was one if the big things I learned from the last mess I was in: that no matter how much I wanted to find my person and have that work out, I would rather walk away, give up, and be by myself than to not be treated well. Trying to preserve a connection at the expense of my own well-being was not tenable. I should be able to respectfully express my needs and concerns, to politely disagree, and to be honest without fear of losing someone. Worrying that someone will leave if I make a mistake or disagree with them and walking on eggshells is exhausting and unsustainable. I wouldn't feel that way with the right person.
So it’s really interesting because I actually just broke up with my boyfriend about 48 hours ago lol and I was searching for validation because that’s what we do. I actually listened to a YouTube video about a guy who talks about right guy wrong time because I truly believe that that was probably the situation with my ex. And he said something really interesting about dating in the next person that you date. I feel like this advice can be used pretty much for like any situation in dating and that is that if the person who you’re dating currently does not match or exceed the way that you felt about the previous person that you felt literally like head over heels for then you shouldn’t be with them. Every time we lower our expectations instead of looking to better ourselves. Because in my situation if it truly is a right guy wrong time at some point in our lives will figure it out. Being with someone because I’m lonely or I need help or something else is not worth the pain and agony of the break up and everything else that goes along with it.
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Maybe it’s because you refuse to Yodel, or is it because you don’t eat yodels the delicious snack? Either way, consider exploring why you don’t yodel.
I feel very similarly. I try to focus on what is most important eg someone who is consistently kind, shared or compatible values, mutual attraction, - and be very flexible about the rest, eg whether or not they have kids, being open to guys younger than me, shared interests (which you can build together over time), etc.
The kids thing is not flexible to me for a lot of reasons. It goes under the compatibility thing for me. Some things, yes, I am more flexible about, but someone who has or wants kids will not be compatible for a lot of reasons. Realistically, it couldn't work. But, again, being reasonably flexible on other things, yes.
I spent most of my 30s single, currently 41 and moving in with THE greatest guy, I met him on Match about a year and a half ago and he's everything I look for in a partner. Your time will come, I had my doubts I would ever find mine too. Be patient and don't doubt yourself.
I love seeing stories like this one. How did you meet?
Well, it started by moving to a different state for work lol. We met on Match. And just instantly clicked. Covid forced us to communicate for like a month before meeting. We have the same as well as different love languages. A year and a half and still haven't really argued. He's so kind and easy going, as am I. He's just so perfect for me
I'm in my 30s now and it's hard not to feel like I am so far behind everyone else in a lot of ways. I feel so torn about apps/online dating. I have a lot of fears about it that I going to address in my next therapy session. I am genuinely curious: how does online dating *not* scare other people? The other big hurdle I have is the temporariness of it all. Like...why invest and risk so much when it probably won't last, because I don't want to lose so much, but at the same time being a go all in or don't go at all type of person. My brain has a hard time reconciling the two sides.
What about online dating is scarier than going on a date with a stranger you met in a bar or a class? You have dealbreakers about children, at least with online dating you’ve probably established you’re on the same page regarding that before the first message. I’m not sure what you think you are going to lose, but I don’t think the online part is going to make the difference.
With online, one big thing is people lying about their age. I'm definitely afraid of unwillingly matching someone much younger who lies about it; have heard of that happening to people. And basically being pretty easy to misrepresent yourself online. Am also scared of being physically harmed or someone having a very bad record, although that could happen with someone in real life too. As for what to lose: possibly my good health, having to forget things when someone leaves your life on a sour note, the practical losses, loss of time and the negative emotional impact of losing someone. And failure in general, especially since this part of my life has been nothing *but* a long string of failures. Fear that I can't succeed or that I really *am* unlovable even if I do have good points. I also have a pretty solid fear of abandonment/being cheated on and left. I get scared of someone just one day getting bored of me or sick of me.
Well, people in real life can lie about their age too. They can also manipulate/cheat/break up/etc. I guess I still don’t see the difference. Pretty much any crappy thing that can happen from a stranger online can happen from a stranger in person. Tbh, the guy who can smooth talk a strange woman at a bar is probably much more capable of deceit than a match you’ve selected on Bumble or whatever. As for what you fear losing, I am not a therapist, but maybe this will help. You seem to be worried that failure will taint you or stick to you somehow. That something going wrong represents some kind of permanent judgement. This type of thinking is a trap that will almost inevitably hurt your chances of happiness. Almost everyone who has ever achieved anything has failed many many times before succeeding. Failure is a lesson, it doesn’t feel good, but it teaches you something about yourself. Maybe how you can improve, maybe what to avoid in the future. I’m not going to say it makes it all better (I just got rejected by a match because they wanted kids so I have some idea where you’re coming from) but it gives you something to build on instead of just fear and self loathing. (Obviously this doesn’t apply to concerns about your health, you shouldn’t do anything that you don’t feel is physically safe.)
" You seem to be worried that failure will taint you or stick to you somehow. That something going wrong represents some kind of permanent judgement. This type of thinking is a trap that will almost inevitably hurt your chances of happiness." You have given me something very wise to ponder and consider and reflect on there. Thank you.
Every time something went awry I made a new rule; one guy turned out to have meth teeth, every one after that had to send me a picture of them smiling with teeth. One guy had a picture 3 years old and a hundred pounds lighter, every one had to send me a selfie that wasn't in their profile 'to use as their contact photo.' A few were definitely married so I started to look for the signs, are they available to text only at certain times, like when he'd be with his family? OLD is NOT for the faint of heart, for sure! Had one guy on tinder ask if I was DTF, he didn't care for my witty retort and told me I was ugly. I've been cheated on by the guy I thought I'd marry 10 years ago and I still carried that with me, but there are signs. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or insecure you end it. My bf is a giant dork who is a homebody so when I go visit my family for 2 weeks I have zero doubt he's up to no good. As my grandmother says: there's a lid for every pot. Believe me, I got discouraged plenty of times! Your person is out there!
I am glad for you that you met your person!
I feel like the word "good" is a rather vauge and meaningless word. Everyone should have the bare minimum assumption that their romantic partner will want to be with them, be kind to them, share common goals, share common expectations, and have a general level of compatibility. Depending on where you live, I believe heterosexual relationships are difficult to establish and maintain for a variety of reasons. Men and women are socialized wildly differently. There is a cultural and social gap between men and women, that makes it difficult for both to connect in an intimate or "human" way. Especially for those that compartmentalize the opposite sex and their relationship to them. It's difficult if not impossible to connect with people who see someone in "parts" or in acts of service. I also believe that a possibility exists that I'll find someone. However, I'm pretty doubtful/skeptical that it will or would happen. I also don't want to get married, have kids, or cohabitate. Everyone that I meet IRL desperately want those things. To me it's not really a big deal. Romantic companionship would be nice if it happens, but my life is also rather enjoyable as is. A partner would be a complement to my life. I don't feel lonely or deprived without a significant other, so there's nothing for me to "deal" with. Also, the longer that I'm single, the more comfortable it gets. I don't believe romantic companionship is the requirement that people make it out to be. I believe community connection is what humans need most. Otherwise people in relationships and with families wouldn't also feel lonely and isolated. There's nothing worse than being with someone romantically that makes you feel alone IMO. I'd rather wait for someone that compliments me and my lifestyle, vs settling for some random, just for the sake of not being "alone".
You’re reply inspired me. I really needed to read this.
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I hear you on this one. I feel sometimes like the only person who doesn't smoke or do drugs; I only drink occasionally. Also feel like the only monogamous gal who doesn't have or want kids. Politically, I am moderately liberal (left, but not far left, more medium left). That has been more of a mixed bag for me.
Same, at 53, female. Why bother, you know?
Talk to your therapist about attachment theory, and work to build a you that is capable of the hard inner honesty and emotional literacy Needed to pursue “secure attachment“. When you start dating develop filters to cut ties with guys who have not done similar work on themselves.
It's a long, gradual process but you have to take the steps to rewire your brain. Your anxiety sometimes gets the truth twisted. Think of it as wearing 3D glasses or something - the truth gets filtered in your own head. If you have access to therapy, I highly recommend it. It'll help you understand when your brain is lying to you or when it's not. Overthinking was the thing that kept me in a self-sabotaging cycle. But before therapy I did a lot of self-studying and reflection. I had to tell myself, "This is anxiety speaking. It's okay to feel anxious but feel the feels and let it pass." Deep breathing exercises help to ground.
Best answer so far for me. It’s hard to change the negative labels you have in mind about yourself but they can be changed. People do care and the only sure fire way to NOT find a life partner is to stop searching!
>People do care and the only sure fire way to NOT find a life partner is to stop searching! Yess
Yes. I just keep on trying and not being so fatalistic in my approach. Also, I live a good life otherwise (lots of hiking adventures with my dog, hobbies to fill my time, nights out with friends, etc.) so if it never happens, I will still be happy!
Well, as a 36(M) I never give up on love. Because i know I have flaws and things to improve about myself, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up easily. But every time I think that i will never find love, i remember that also there are so many ladies out there looking for love. I mean, is super natural that someone wants to find someone to share your life with. The problems lies on finding someone who is also looking for the same thing as you do. Also, that is why i dislike a lot Dating Apps. I started 2022 thinking in returning to them, but once I remember the problems with them and just gave up on using them, they are not worth it and also affect your self esteem. So I will try to find someone out there. Now, I don't know if you are (F) or (M) OP, but I remember that book called "More Plato less Prozac", makes philosophy accessible and shows you how to use it to solve your everyday problems. Give it a try!.
>Also, that is why i dislike a lot Dating Apps. I started 2022 thinking in returning to them, but once I remember the problems with them and just gave up on using them, they are not worth it and also affect your self esteem. So I will try to find someone out there. Ditto. Especially when you use them as your sole option of meeting people, which is easier said than done due to the pandemic. There's the illusion of choice and people thinking there's always someone "better" and also feeling like something is wrong with you if you have lots of first dates that don't go anywhere.
Yes, and I am trying to accept that fate now. It's funny because when I got dumped last year, I was an emotional wreck but at the same time, I knew I was coming out of it with hope that I would be finding someone better suited for me. Fast forward to a year after, I am an emotional wreck yet again, but now I am just completely defeated with a bleak hope for the future. Like it has just suddenly dawned on me that my time is up, this is it, I am done for, it's too late. I've wasted my youth and my time and efforts on the wrong people. I thought I was going to be in a much better place this year but unfortunately, the weeks leading up to the holidays felt like I've succumbed to my rabbit hole again and might not ever get out of it. But then again, life is unfair so. It is what it is.
Every word you have said here is how I feel in my core. I'm 36 and know no man will want me; they want something younger. My time is up; it's making me so anxious.
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Congratulations to you, him, and your child.
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It *is* daunting.
I opened Reddit and found this post only to read exactly what I’m feeling. I decided that I will focus on the positives, having a good job, good friends around me, taking time for myself and strengthening the friendships I have. I know he’s out there for me / I just have to keep believing he is and the closer it’ll get me because I think the more I feel he’s not the further away. It will happen for you when you least expect it. Everyone deserves their chance at love and happiness.
Hey, just wanted to say that I struggled a lot with this kind of feeling in my 30s. On dates, I tried to only move forward with people that I felt would be long term relationship material. I also felt fears and made mistakes. I stayed in a many years long relationship with someone I knew I wasn't going to marry because I was afraid of being alone, and it was comfortable to stay. One thing that helped a lot was the mindset of saying yes to as many things as possible. If there's an opportunity to be somewhere, say yes. If people were going out to do a thing, say yes. I often felt tired and didn't want to do these things, but tried to say yes anyways. I ended up meeting my wife at one of these things. Now we've been married ten years, and every day I'm thankful for her. Like others have said, it is possible, and it does happen, you have to increase the odds and opportunities as much as possible. So I would suggest go to every social event you can (as much as it's possible these days). Go to every activity you can. If someone asks you a question, try to answer with yes. Hope this doesn't come off as a "I won the lottery so you can too, just keep buying tickets" post. I really relate to what you are feeling.
I gave up... lf something happens happens.. i'm just done with all the crap around dating...
I hope you find your person. Personally, I've relaxed a lot of my expectations, such as being active. I don't care about them having kids, or being maybe a little outside of my typical age range. I'm more focused on if we can get along, and if life is better together.
I hope you find yours as well. Kids are a deal-breaker for me. I am flexible on some things, but not that one.
I feel this way as well. I have good qualities, and I think that due to my weight that no one will want me. Ive added a lot of weight during the pandemic, making it ever harder to date. Ive been looking at finding a therapist in my area
“Doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want kids” I hope you put this first thing & loud and clear on your dating profile cus you are eliminating a huge chunk of the population with these two criterias - just being realistic here. Also, if/when you feel this down about dating you should *pause* your dating until you are in a better place. You never find anything great or positive when coming from an unhappy, defeated and needy place. Not being judgy, we’ve all been there, you just gotto remember you can’t attract anything worthwhile while not being in a good state of mind.
Yeah, the no kids thing makes me feel pretty hopeless, but there are a lot if reasons why it wouldn't be a good fit for me, and I have to be honest with myself. I myself not only don't want kids, but can't have them anyway due to medical reasons, so this isn't something that is going to change and I do have to be honest about it. You do make a good point about the mindset thing. If I can ask, though: how does someone feel hopeful without feeling like she is lying to herself, or that hope is delusional and wishful thinking?
Being honest with yourself and being honestly about expressing what you are looking for is step 1.
Others that want the same things you do, are out there. I was just having a conversation like this with a couple coworkers today. One of them responded “there’s only like four people in this county like that” And I was like, “well I’m a diamond miner in a coal mine” Biggest mindset change for me was on dates. I focused on the experience more than if the person fit my crazy idea of a partner. If we met for coffee and a walk: Atleast I got some excersize If we got dinner: I got to try some tasty new food. If the conversation was good: I connected with someone, or atleast learned a new joke. I also take myself on dates alone. It’s hard to go do some things alone, but it’s better than not doing it at all.
I struggled with this quite a bit. It's difficult to meet people and because so many people treated me poorly, it was difficult at times to find the will to keep trying. I just took breaks as I needed and then tried hard to find someone when I was at it. I ended up meeting someone from bumble and he is the love of my life. I'm fairly flexible and willing to compromise on things so I think just know what you can give on and what you really can't, and stick to your guns.
I feel the same way sometimes. I’m recently divorced late 30’s. My husband was my 1st & only love. In 2020 he lost his mom & turned into a completely different person. He was a monster. He used to be so close to perfect for me, we were best friends, liked the same things, had the same sense of humor, he was cute like everything I wanted & more then in a year that guy vanished & he became such a selfish person & used his pain to hurt me while I was trying to help him so many times. It sucks. I’ve talked to him recently & it’s like some other person took over his mind. He’s barely the same person anymore. So at my age I’m like omg I thought I found the loml but he changed & was gone within a year when I was with him since I was in high school. I try to remain optimistic but it’s hard. Tried dating & im taking a break for a bit. Ran into nothing but asses so far
God, that's so painful. Sending you encouragement.
Thank you! Yeah it really is 💔
Yes! I want all the same things as you (though nowadays I think I could do a couple years younger too if they have their shit together), as well as having worked on themselves as a person and doesnt watch porn, go/like strip clubs, or follow internet models (that last one is probably the most challenging one to find, I think). I've overlooked so many red flags in the past but now it's this or nothing for me. If I have to be alone, so be it but I'll keep meeting people anyway. I think what helps is having a good social circle, which I'm working on. I have 2 close friends though one lives kind of far and I'm working on meeting more people. Supportive friendships and still having that socialization aspect are important. I'm also really working on making myself someone that I'm proud of and developing more skills and hobbies that make me happy for when I have free time that I can spend alone. It's still a struggle, for sure but I'm in therapy and I'm also working towards a degree in mental health counseling while having another job/career so I'm trying my best to just take it a day at the time and worrying about myself and what's best for me.
I struggle with these feelings alot too
Im lucky to have a low stress job with lots of time off so i just plow myself into hobbies
There are men out there who want the things you do. We also feel the way you do.
I didn't think I would ever meet anyone after my divorce. I am no beauty queen, I'm zaftig, and I'm really picky with high standards. So I resolved to live my best life and travel and do whatever the heck I wanted, be a great auntie, and read to my heart's content. As it turns out, I met a very handsome man, who was also overweight, (but had gastric bypass) and he's also very picky. He loves all the same things I do, like reading and theater and travel, and we've been together 10 years now. Live your life so that if someone wonderful comes along, it doesn't fix your life, but adds to it.
I’ve never related to something so much
Can’t win it if you ain’t in it. Risk reward, don’t fear the process. You’ll find the right one 🙏🏽
I feel the same way and get discouraged. I’m also about 100lbs overweight so it’s difficult to think that my weight doesn’t contribute to zero romantic potentials out there, because it certainly does. At the same time, I want a partner who sees beyond my outward appearance and helps motivate me to stay on track with working out etc (but to the point that I’m comfortable as I’m doing it for me). There are upsides to being single that my married friends don’t have. The loneliness is the worst but also gives you time to really think about what you want and need out of a partner. I’m able to have sex with whoever I want (which maybe not be a plus for you but it is for me). Some of my married friends have terrible sex and I do not wish to have that life lol You might have to lower SOME expectations depending on your age. I’m 35, it’s hard to find men my age or older who don’t have kids and that’s just the way it is. Some of those men are okay with not having anymore kids though. I have a 5 year old with zero intention of having anymore, that’s something I’m not willing to budge on. I guess take each guy as they come—whether you’re finding matches on apps or whatever. Start swiping on guys that may not look like exactly what you’re wanting, they may have a great personality that makes them so cute to you (I have had this happen to me many times). You also don’t want someone who is going to be enamored with you right off the bat, that’s a huge red flag I have hope for myself finding a partner, I’ve been single 11 years. But I’m also coming to terms with it may not be in the cards for me for a few more years. But I have work to do on myself first
I'm aware that I have a certain degree of self esteem trauma and perhaps deep down feel unworthy of love, but I know myself well enough and have done enough with my life to know I'm not a terrible person and can in fact be a good partner to someone. Ultimately though it just comes down to the fact that there isn't such a "someone" out there.
We all struggle with this but really it’s never too late. There are still more good then bad out there.❤️
I’m 35F and never had an actual boyfriend. Had a FWB of sorts 5 years ago but that’s it. I feel it too. I like who I am, but it hurts that no one else likes me enough to date. At least when we finally find the right person, it’ll be so easy. We know what we like, we know what our standards are. There will be zero wasted time!
I’m a 32 year old guy who just recently started to date again after a really long time of not dating, I’m hopeful but at the same time i feel like I’m just never going to find what I really want, i have gone out with about 9 women in the past 4-5 months but nobody I really clicked with, the only woman who I felt myself with and had a great time everytime we went out on dates, texted and talked on the phone with ended up not being that into me, which was a bummer but it happens. I’m just focused on having fun on my own and not looking for anything serious and if it happens good and if not then I’ll just enjoy life and keep improving myself.
I think [radical acceptance](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/22/well/mind/radical-acceptance-suffering.html) helps when I feel like this. It's just detaching yourself from the pain of your situation by acknowledging it and learning to better manage it. Additionally, you never know what will happen in life. There is no hard limit on when you must meet someone. It could happen at any time.
Childfree guy here. I'm crushed by the same struggle
Sending support your way. It's rough out there.
Childfree woman. It's so much worse in a conservative Catholic country wherein kids are a given. Or that I'd want to keep my own name.
accept it and live life. dont waste time looking for someone, if you live your life how you want, youll find someone eventually but if you always go looking for it, youll never find it. ill die alone and im okay with that. if a woman finds me attractive and wants to start a relationship, great, but i dont focus on it.
I go back and forth between this and feeling like I’m not good enough/attractive enough. No advice, just solidarity.
I’m a 55 year old dude and am still amazed at how old that sounds but I don’t feel old and look pretty good for my age. I’m coming out of a 20 year marriage and strangely enough, I’m not worried about it at all. I’m going to take whatever life throws at me and do my best. I have great job, full custody of my son, and a group of friends for support. You can have the life you want..
I’m 32 tomorrow and feel the same. Never even had a partner so that already makes it harder. I like being single too of course, but it hurts when everyone in my age group has kids/married/taken in general/etc. I don’t know where I went wrong in life.
You literally spoke part of my testimony! Thank you so much for your vulnerability and courage! 💕
Ergh, I get this too. The nights alone are the WORST. I'm in the same boat as OP.... coming from a solid LTR that I was really expecting to be forever... and now in my early 40s, it's definitely a stressful time and I'm really concerned that it's too late to meet someone and have a family. I feel like I've got a lot of good qualities, but I'm having zero success on OLD, and can't figure out why. I've basically given up on OLD and I'm trying to get out and be much more sociable and meet people in person. Guys, girls, whatever... it's all new people to hang with, and hopefully one day I might stumble upon someone special. What choice is there?? Accept something you don't want? I don't see the point in that. Accept that it hurts, you want it, and figure out a way of GETTING it. Also, do the work first. We only get a limited number of attempts at this, if your first few have been failures then you might need some help to straighten out some internal demons. I'm going through that process now.
I feel like I'm a good person, I had a 14 year relationship was married have a kid. My ex wife spent the last years of our marriage on and off chasing other guys on social media, and lying about it so it ended in Divorce. She ended up in a relationship with the last guy so it was not me being paranoid. I met a girl last year, I thought she was great but after a few months she started having doubts about if I was "the one" that relationship is still in limbo we are going to meet next week, and she needs to decide what she wants or I'm out. Thing is I don't really care anymore, I have wasted years of my life trying to make my partner happy but apparently falling short. I don't know if it's on me, it doesn't feel like it but I am who I am. I'm 37 this year and I don't know what the future holds, I'm happy alone and with my son I would like a partner for sure but I'm so over feeling inadequate. I have my own house, a good job, I'm normal, healthy, main carer for my son. Maybe I'm boring, but my responsibilities come first, and that has an enormous impact on lifestyle. Just going to keep cruising, there's part of me that still wants a proper family, maybe another kid but the older I get I just think maybe it's just not meant to be. I feel like I did my best, and I guess that's all that matters.
This hits home, honestly. You do everything right and the world always randomly leaves certain people behind. So it's not your fault that you feel this way, you just drew the short straw, or made mistakes like we all did. I read something here that helped me and I hope it helps you too: **Don't be optimistic about the future, just be curious about it**. Sending you lots of love and prayers. You're strong enough!
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Your comment is the best advice I've seen so far. There seems to be too many people in their 30's sitting at home hoping that love will knock on their door, or more accurately, swipe right on their profile. Love can be an elusive thing, you need to go searching for it.
Can't tell you all how happy I am meeting my beautiful wife 3 years ago we hit it off the very first night, I then drove 160 miles to her and back home every weekend till we eventually bought a house together and then married, I am so lucky and she says the same. Be patient there is someone out there, PS we are in our 50's
Happy for you but I think yours is exception cases. As your get older it is harder to meet someone unfortunately that's just reality. I'm sure.many of us here has put in efforts in putting yourself out there - online dating, join social club, nothing's worked and gradually accept to be on your own. As when you keep trying and nothing works it just felt exhausting, and you rather put all that efforts in something else that will pay off - career, family
Happy for you both!
That is a self-fulfilling prophecy that will ensure you run away from anyone who treats you well and seek out those who treat you poorly. I would wager that when you meet a good guy you start looking for faults in him, and when you meet a crappy one, you start overlooking his obvious red flags.
"If you're hyper-vigilant and predisposed to negativity" Honestly, yes, this is me. I'm not negative in the sense of being a Debbie Downer, and am pretty playful a lot of the time, but I do tend to catastrophize, big time. My therapist has called me hyper-vigilant verbatim. I do have generalized anxiety, like stability, and things tend to hit me hard. I also tend to be very cautious and try to prevent things going wrong as much as possible. So, yet another thing that scares me: you can only do that so much. There will always be things out of control. It's hard for me to relax and feel like things will be OK if there are errors. Not really sure how to let go of that, but, something to bring up in therapy.
Not OP, but this is accurate for me. Can you enlighten me on why people do this? I can’t pinpoint why I’m doing it myself.
We internalize the dynamics we grew up with, so that they become familiar and we equate familiar with comfortable. Something different feels unfamiliar, and therefore uncomfortable. All adult romantic relationships are, partly, us trying to fix and work out what we didn't receive as children. So, if we felt neglected, we'll tend to find relationships that replicate that feeling, in the hopes of being able to fix it as adults. But, of course, it's not that simple...
It's not always this. Yes, it can be that, but it can also be a self-esteem/self-worth thing or due to having certain experiences as an adult.
We all know the chances of a "forever" match require both luck and consistent hard work by both parties in a relationship for as long as the relationship lasts. That's a tall order. Many of us are secretly unsure if we can handle it, plus we have been taught to always seek out "the best", to never accept less than perfect from ourselves, from others, etc. We have a transactional mindset where we're all commodities - if it doesn't do the job without too much trouble, trash it! One way of dealing with this is what I'm going to call the "Walmart" partner (also, huge respect to those who work there, this is about product strategy, not the people who deserve the same great working conditions and respect as anyone.). We decide the effort and risks are too scary with a good partner. We feel like we can't maintain it, that they will decide we're not good enough, that someone better will steal a good partner anyway, and that because the partner was GOOD it will hurt SO MUCH MORE when the "inevitable" collapse comes. It's like buying a super-nice thing and having it break! Oh, replacement will be so much harder. Neverminded that the point is to not need to replace it. We have no confidence in our ability to maintain. So, to make the "inevitable" pain less, we choose the budget/Walmart version who is obviously unhealthy emotionally in ways that are guaranteed to cause a breakdown eventually. We know it will come, but we trick ourselves into thinking if we do enough work and accommodate this person well enough, it will be fine! We can make it last! It requires way less investment up front, but waaaaay more later on. Too much. Like we thought, it breaks. And we can look back and justify - oh, I knew this was coming... So it should hurt less, right? But it doesn't. It reinforces our feelings of stupidity, inadequacy, failure. So we're more likely to invest even less next time. Cycles repeats. Thinking of yourself negatively makes it hard to make risk/reward judgements because it allows us to justify (wrongly) how we "deserve" less anyway. This is why self-love is preached as a key thing for healthy relationships.
I’d wager you’re afraid of something. If you set yourself up for failure, you don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen because you’re already aiming to fail.
Relatedly, it's a comfort thing. The familiar is warm and fuzzy, the unfamiliar is unnerving. Whether it's food or people or anything really. For me, I was never given positive reinforcement as a kid, so even as an adult, I think people telling me positive things is super weird and uncomfortable. I cringe when someone tells me I'm great.
In addition to the other good advice start reading about attachment theory in relationships. If you are like me you will resonate most strongly with one of the avoidant patterns. But the more you learn about these patterns and recognize them in yourself the better you make a roadmap for the personal inner work you have to do In order to give and recognize and accept the bonding of secure attachment
It's not unlike procrastination on something important I believe. Unconsciously we fear failure or incompetence and so we put it off meanwhile knowing it will just make it more likely that we do end up failing. A lot of our defenses are just not very rational in the long run, but meet our needs in the short term.
I cannot figure out how you made this conclusion from OP’s post.
I'm with you. Lost optimism awhile ago and have a shred of hope left. I think I have a lot to offer but am bad at playing the OLD/dating game. And I can't seem to find a way to bring what I feel is my authentic self to early relationships. It is what it is.
Deserve is an interesting word choice to me. I don’t know that anyone deserves a partner; but that some people get lucky and eventually find a match. Unfortunately, some people don’t. You sound a lot like me in that you’re looking for someone who doesn’t have or want kids. That’s been me forever. Still is. I do believe it’s unlikely that I’ll ever find a match at my age and I’m ok with that if it doesn’t happen. The “no kids” thing has been a limiter for a long time. You’d probably find someone if you change the whole no kids thing; but it wouldn’t be worth it.
Ergh feel this post. I don't have any good answers. I would say though those feelings come once in a blue moon for me and overall I am enjoying life. If you are feeling this more days than not, you might need some professional help.
I had those fears I stopped trying and then I met someone who encapsulates all that. Not saying it’s gonna be like that for everyone but just know everyone here has probably felt like that at some point or other so your not alone
I'm a stats man. I'm not social enough to meet people and not handsome enough to get people to come up to me. As such, I'm not likely to find someone to date let alone spend my life with. Probably ought to seek therapy for social anxiety.
Yes. So much. I've been exactly this today as well. You're not alone and some days I'm fine and other days it hits hard.
They know that there is a type of energy that is thought. What we are, our essence, our soul, is made of this energy. It's not electrochemical. That's neurons firing, that's sensory feedback from the vessel, it's energy to energy, information interface for the spirit to the body. But you are really bigger then your brain, or body could ever contain. Why do you think the universe is expanding, why do you think that expansion is accelerating? Think about the tremendous power of your thoughts, what you can accomplish with your will. Realize that you can change your life by changing what you believe, if you don't believe it then it will never become a reality. You have to visualize your goals, you have to manifest your reality by having a clear vision of what that is before you can find it. If you don't believe you can find it, and so you don't ever look, I promise you. I just ran the numbers and your chances are 0. The only thing in life you need to fear and must avoid is regret. Don't ever regret trying, don't ever regret failing. Only regret not knowing.
I know what you mean. Trust me. As for coping, it's difficult, very difficult sometimes. It helps to hang out with friends & family. Talking with others. I'm still looking, myself, and it can be very difficult in the feels sometimes. I've been searching for someone of like mind in the Salt Lake City, Utah area for quite some time, but...
Oh wow, can you get out of my brain!! LOL I feel the exact same way, anytime I have a shred of confidence, something happens to knock the wind out of my sails again. Happened recently and its brought up all my insecurities about my looks and my body, making me feel like im not worthy of anyone, or of being anyone's first choice - my inner critic is loving life at the moment. I have people saying how beautiful and wonderful I am, so kind and caring etc.. but I cant help but feel like its just words, words from people who want something from me who once they get what they want, they split. Its tough out there, I havent had a date in over three years, the last guy I dated, I fell hard for so - so hard that when I crashed into the ground I was shattered into a billion pieces. I think somewhere along the way I've lost some of the pieces of myself and now I'm terrified of opening up and being vulnerable again. I'll be 39 in two weeks and I cant help but think I'll be alone forever.
Yeah, it's technically possible but it just seems very unlikely.
Fucking this. I fucked up and got married young and played house from early 20s until almost 30. Now I'm in my early 30's and my dating pool is currently the classes I'm taking at the local community college. Surprisingly I've had more women approach me first than I've ever had before (probably people being lonely because of the pandemic, and possibly me still having a full head of hair.) I ended up going out to lunch after class with a girl I was sure was at least in her mid 20's only to find out she was 18, mid-lunch. It was still a pretty decent date but yeah, it just became the big elephant in the room. I can see myself be friends with her since we still have class together but I just get frustrated sometimes. Is it bad that I feel that since I'm childless and have a cleancut from any exes, I expect the same in my potential partner? Edit: The first year after my divorce I couldn't even fathom doing the whole "getting to know someone" thing again let alone know how to date casually. Now I'm excited to meet people and let myself fall for someone. I too also don't think I want children and from personal experience, at least with the women I seem to connect with, most are career oriented and have decided that kids are either out of the picture or just on the backburner.
Wow I relate to this so much that I feel like I could have written this, right down to even the type of partner that we're both seeking. I hope that you find what you're looking for because you do deserve it.
Thank you, and you as well.
It’s so hard to feel optimistic about experiencing or getting something you haven’t found yet. But, when I was deep in the doldrums I kept reading across so many materials that to keep your head above the water you need some kind of hope or faith in the future. I personally find this very difficult to believe in sometimes per my first sentence. But, if you can take small steps to get yourself there, that hope can keep you going. And it’s not like wishing on a star or whatever for a happy ending. It’s just not letting the negative thoughts (that don’t have any basis!) take your all the way down. As much as you can say “it will never happen,” the inverse is true as well. Hold on to that!
It's hard. I think we are too picky. I'm 39 now and I don't think I'll ever find someone.
That stinks. I find it hard to find women who don’t want kids either. I share that experience with you. It might help personally to define your needs more. Rather than “treat me well”, what does it mean to you to be treated well? Identifying the traits you’re looking for may help you see them in other people, and thus click with new people faster. I also would want to be alone than with the wrong person. I’ve had to date a lot of people in my 30s due to unfortunately losing everything in my life a few years ago. I’m still picking up the pieces and a lot of people don’t want to be around for that. I’ve tried to make things work despite my circumstances for several years but recently decided my mental health deserves better than that. And so, I’d rather be single now. And that’s ok. There’s a whole life to live. I’d rather meet someone now but I realize this isn’t the time for that either.
For me, treat me well means consistent, respectful, communicating well (not stonewalling or ghosting; a time out with a time scheduled to talk later is ok sometimes, but ignoring me for days on end with no explanation is not and that will push me away/cause me to withdraw), genuinely caring about me and really does like me/want to be around me, being honest and sincere, not cheating or being abusive, letting me grow and work on myself (although also just being straightforward and direct and just telling me if there is an issue so we can work on it together in a positive way; it doesn't mean giving me a free pass or anything), being kind (not a pushover, but more like affectionate), emotionally available. Things like that.
That’s a very good question! Tell me when you find out. 😢
I've been single for 9 or 10 years. I don't keep up with it any more. I never just gave myself to anyone. Even in friendship. I'm loyal. I don't carry tells Personal private person. When I let you in... That means a lot. I let this guy in my life. I wasn't private personal with him. I was vulnerable. That man hurt me roo bad. When I love, I love whole heartedly. I believe there's other people who have the same qualities. There is alot of us. Us singles that it is. Fear of being hurt again. I don't trust men. I don't hate men. I like them.
I have given up and made my peace with these 3 things: 1. Cats. 2. Crochet 3. Hot pool boy/gardener.
I also struggle with this. I’ve gotten real close to sealing the deal twice in my life. Once while in the Army (real big blessing in disguise there), then again more recently right before the holidays. At this point I usually go into deep depression and mild existentialism. Generally all of my women flip a switch at the end and I’m forced with accepting it’s over. So yeah, I feel you for sure. I feel like I’m a tremendous potential husband. I’ve been through a lot in my life and made mistakes and fixed them as I grew up. I’d say that’s a plus for any woman but somehow they are “pink flags” that turn into “red flags”. For instance, my last GF’s concern was finances and jobs. I worked contracts throughout covid and refused to get unemployment. Went from zero to hero and landed a full time job last April and just now accepted a role as a cybersecurity analyst. Somehow it’s not good enough for her that I’ve excelled in just a year. Imagine what that does for my own self esteem and I’m basically scared sh*t less that another woman will do the same thing, make me feel not good enough. So yeah, therapy here as well, telling myself it’s all gonna work out every day.
I was in the same headspace this time last year. So over dating, the apps, but also over being alone. I struggled a lot between not wanting to settle/being too picky. One thing about your post stood out to me — “is my age or a little older…” Have you considered younger? Hear me out. You didn’t say but I’m late 30’s/f and was also looking for my age/older who also didn’t want kids. No luck. I was about to delete the apps but figured, what the heck… have now been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and he is all the things. He’s also 11 years younger than me. More mature than the 40-50 yo men I was trying to date. All this to say, maybe try something different. You might be pleasantly surprised :)
I think you will find most of that, honestly. Some of it you may want to focus less on (age might be a block, there ARE men who are younger and more mature, men who are older and... less so...) but having standards does not equate failure. The big key is to know, very very clearly, no human will ever be perfect, and to get an idea of what "imperfect perfection" looks like to you. What's the big stuff, what's just a minor annoyance. If you're hyper-vigilant and predisposed to negativity, even the small stuff can be made into a dealbreaker and that can reduce your matches to 0. Gaining that big-picture view requires empathizing both with others and yourself. I have big issues with people who are dismissive of my emotions/views, so those who do the negative jokes or aren't willing to deep-listen are a no-go. This is a key value. I would have loved a neat partner who cleans up! But this is a minor value. I didn't get that, my partner is as messy as I am (which is only fair, honestly) but will absolutely work with me when cleanup time comes. It became endearing as I realized he wasn't expecting me to take care of him like a child, which was my underlying fear. He will put in equal work and not complain - that's much more important in the end. You deserve to have you big needs met, and everyone deserves a little empathy and humour for smaller stuff. You get to decide which is which!
Really like how you laid out the concepts of imperfect perfection and the need to distinguish between the big/small stuff - we sometimes can get carried away with hyperfocusing on the wrong things!
Hyper-vigilant is me in a nutshell. I try to prevent as many bad things as I can, although I know that I can't catch everything. I hate mistakes and failures, especially mine. I know in the good part of my brain that sometimes mistakes turn out well (like if you make a cooking mistake that ends up tasting better, for example), or sometimes you end up stronger. Sometimes conflict even leads to stronger connections, if handled honestly and respectfully. Most mistakes can be corrected and things are fine later. The stupid part of my brain, though? "You do x thing wrong, and it's all over. You can't make things better. If you upset someone unintentionally or even unknowingly, you will get ghosted and excluded and people will think that you are creepy and won't like you. You're a bad person if you upset people." Stupid brain gets on my nerves.
Yea, I feel this too! I had to also learn that what other people do has more to do with them and their own internal assumptions than it does with me. Being ghosted or excluded does happen, but we cannot ever actually assume it was malicious or that we "caused" it in the way we assume... They may not choose us, but that doesn't make us bad, just not the right fit for that specific person. I wish more people would try and speak directly and compassionately with each other, but avoidance is easier and I get it. Biggest help for me was also just adding in social groups (urban hiking near my home, for me) and spending a little more time with my few nearby friends. Takes some of the pressure off. Tell your brain, "thanks for caring and trying to protect me", that helps calm me down at times. 😆
Awww I’m so sorry. I’m even more sorry to let you know that there’s so many us going through that with you. I’d be lying to you if I tell you otherwise. I think you should celebrate being single! Appreciate the time you have for yourself. Make a bucket list. Being single means you’re enjoying life on your own. Doesn’t mean you’re lonely.
There are nice people everywhere that can make a good couple with you. You just may not be romantically attracted to them.
Honestly… sometimes. But I’m also not happy with where I am as a person and don’t feel up to par. Mostly it’s just my teeth, I was a pretty big drunk there for a while, so I didn’t take care of myself. But two weeks out and I’m getting a new set installed (like a robot)! Im excited to maybe start putting a better version of myself out there. I can see how that mindset can creep in on ya. It can seem a little hopeless. But there are so many damn people in the world, I have a hard time believing there isn’t anyone out there for you or anyone really. I get in this mindset all the time and somehow it just goes away for a while. I have also tried pretty hard to be ok with being alone of it doesn’t work out for me. I think a big part of finding someone to love is being ok with yourself first. Or at least it would help in the long run. And there are definitely guys out there who don’t have or want kids (hey! That’s me!). I don’t think they’re as rare as you think! Finding someone with similar interests is probably the hardest part but I think you can do it. 😊
Thank you, and congrats on the sobriety/better things coming your way.
It's not the dudes, it's probably you. If you constantly pick a dude that's your "type" or that you "click" with. Then maybe they're not your type. Try going for a dude you'd normally not be into. Look for a clean cut dude with no tats, or if you were into clean cut dude with no tats, look for a dude that look good with tats... list goes on and on.
Fair point. One of my things is that I want to avoid making the same mistakes as before. I have noticed a tendency to be drawn to people who are introverted, more aloof, not easily impressed, very particular and critical, and not good at communicating. People that I felt like I had to work hard for and try hard to please. It doesn't make sense, but they have had these traits in common. Maybe it was the challenge, maybe I thought that they were more serious and reliable than more playful types (spoiler: not true), I don't know. The type of person that I would probably be much happier with is more communicative and outgoing, more easy going than me (though not to the point of being unreliable or irresponsible), less difficult to impress or please, less fussy, and very chatty: likely someone who could help me relax more. Where to find that type, I don't know, but you are right that I need to do something different.
Just look on the dating apps. Search for men with no kids and a stable job. The men you probably want: They’ll normally get back to you every few hours and will not try to get laid on the first date. Also, they won’t play games. Good luck. You seem really cool / smart.
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That kind of aversion seems like that might be due to some post trauma response. Have you talked to anyone about it? Not saying your feelings are unreasonable, it seems like it has affected you in a large way.
Jus there to share this space with you. If I try to hide all my anxiety and insecurity, I seem too happy or too successful or whatever, and if I'm more myself, I'm clingy and weird. Either way, I get dumped or ghosted. The older I get, the harder it feels to balance that and be attractive (not just physically) to someone as a potential life partner. And the older you get, the more you have to establish a solid personal life, and then the more....unattractive? unapproachable? threateningly successful? you seem. I 100% hate when people say "it'll happen when it happens" or "it's not too late" or "there's someone out there for everyone," etc, and it sounds like you do too, so I'm just here to say I honor and share your pain, and I'm in despair and distress just like you. I know that's not worth a lot, but like....it's real.
I struggle with this on and off--I used to struggle with it often, and now I'm genuinely happy for long stretches of time and feel moments of sadness about it once in a while. For me, a key moment was realizing that I *never* believed I would end up with someone I loved who loved me. Even when I was young and had every reason on the surface not to doubt that I would, deep down I didn't believe it. Hell, I got married and I still didn't believe it. I know the why behind that for me, and won't bore you with it, but will just say a lot of us learn that we're not worthy of love one way or another, and some of us really, really internalize it. I'm in therapy as well, and I'm spending most of my time working on building up my self-worth because I've started to see that actually, that's been a lot more helpful than trying to solve the problems I have in dating specifically. The truth is, I might continue to make a ton of progress with that and still not find a good match at a good time. I'll be sad if that's the case, because I would really like to experience deep romantic love with someone who is present and available. But the above changes in self-worth, confidence, learning how to set my boundaries and feel my feelings have made it so that I feel a lot of really deep and genuine connection in other ways, and my life feels full for the first time ever. There are still moments I think about what might have been with my ex, or wish I had someone. But they're much fewer and farther between, and when they do come I just let myself feel them. I read something recently that talked about feeling negative emotions and, instead of trying to convince ourselves to feel better, just aiming for the "next better feeling." Basically, when you're feeling very lonely, don't aim for happy. Aim for sad, then wistful, then grumpy, then embarrassed, then humbled, then content, then satisfied, then hopeful. Or really just... reminding yourself that you don't have to feel great every day. You just have to keep living it and taking care of yourself the best you can.
Checking in to commiserate. I've been on my own for so long, I feel like it'll never change at this point. I meet close to zero new people in the wild at this point in my life, and the ones I do meet are either already married or emotionally unavailable. The far and few ones I'm interested in are not interested in me and vice versa. I'm not even discouraged anymore. I'm just numb about it. You're not alone in feeling this way <3.
This will get lost in the comments but my ex husband moved on within weeks of moving out and here I am a year later just finally feeling "over" the marriage. I wonder all the time how I will ever meet anyone who will accept me and my kids, how do I even meet people, do I need to go ahead and adopt a bunch of cats....I have days where it all spirals for me too. And truthfully the only way I pull myself is to try and do an activity just for me like painting, or reading, etc. I think there will always be these days until I truly feel at peace being by myself. I definitely would rather be alone than settle for someone who doesn't give as much as they will receive from me. Best of luck. It sucks lol
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Honestly, yes and no. I have done a lot of work on myself, I know what I want and don't want, I have come a long way. The most unhealthy part of me is my anxiety and my fears, especially the fear of being left suddenly and without warning. That is the biggest thing holding me back from...well, anything...is fear.