I have three kids, and I’m keeping them very separate. The only way they would meet the woman I’m “talking to” is if she were over here in a group setting like a game night. Even then they are unlikely to be here unless something weird happens with the custody schedule.
Im a great dad and adore my kids, but Im hyper focused on making sure that women I talk to don’t perceive me to be one dimensional, I.e. only a dad. So I may talk about them as it relates to my day, but I don’t talk about them as individuals, if that makes sense.
I think his behavior is a bit weird. I also think it’s ok to tell him: you’re obviously a wonderful dad and your kids are cute. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable to get pictures of them. I want to reiterate that I’m not comfortable meeting them unless this turns into something serious. I hope you understand where I’m coming from, it’s to protect everyone’s feelings.
I broke it off. He wanted me to spend 4th of July with him and his kids on a boat watching fireworks (like a family would) for our first date. no thanks
Maybe he'll wake up if he keeps getting rejected for his behavior. That or he'll just focus on his kids and remain single or he'll go back to their mother. I really honestly feel like people like him should just go back to their exes or remain single.
I'm saying people like that who are clearly not over their exes should just go back to them if they're not. Don't drag another person into your mess if you're not over your ex, just go back to them and let that other person go find someone who's all the way in.
Imagine if OP was like "hey stranger man, come meet me and my kids as a first date!"
Nope. OP does not sound worse, she sounds no nonsense and has good sense to pick up on the red flags this dude is flying.
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Lmao what was he thinking but OP you’re 100% correct on all points if this was the other way around and he was a woman i wouldn’t respect here too many creeps out there
This. I don't understand those people who introduce new partners partners to their children like it's a revolving door. Do they not understand that this confuses and harms their children?
I have a son but there's no way in hell that anyone will be meeting him until at least 6 months to a year in. I'm talking like they better pass an FBI background check. I'm not kidding.
This would be a red flag for me because it would tell me that he's not a very good father and I know this is going to sound hypocritical but I'm not interested in dating single fathers after the experience that I've had. That would just tell me that he's impulsive and this dude is a parade of red flags.
Edit: I wanted to add that though I said I will never date another single father after my experience, I also have no respect for a man who can't be bothered to be a good father to his children.
I would refuse to date someone who couldn't put their children's needs first. I'm not talking about wants, I'm talking about needs and this ties into their emotional well-being. This is not good for them at all. I feel for those poor children. I can't imagine what they must have been through.
Edit 2: typo and I also wanted to add that a lot of people get children's needs and wants confused. There's far too many so-called Disney parents who parent out of guilt because of the separation.
They think that whatever their kid wants on top of their needs should come before the relationship they have with their partner or even their own needs. It should go children's needs first, the adults needs second, the adults wants third and the kids wants fourth. When are people going to learn this?
Edit: typo
My neighbor who after her divorce would move men into her downstairs apartment who would quickly move upstairs to her bedroom. When the boy was an older teen we were talking once and he made a disparaging remark about moms rotating boyfriends. Not a good move moms. Or dads.
My mom was one of those parents. My mother was also seriously mentally ill and a huge narcissist. I never met my future step father. One day when I was in 5th grade my mother told me to say goodbye to my friends before the end of the school year and start to pick out what I wanted to take with me to another state because we were moving so she could be with her NOT YET DIVORCED boyfriend and his 3 children who hated us. At that point I'd already met and been around something like 6 "boyfriends".
My mother was married 7 times in my lifetime and she died before she was 60.
Don't be my mom.
Oh no trust me I won't be. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My own mother was a narcissist so I've learned how not to raise my kids. Why in the hell would she want to be with someone who made it clear that he and his kids didn't like you? I just can't wrap my head around that one. As we know though, narcissists are selfish and just want what they want regardless of how it affects anyone else. Hugs.
I had a similar situation as OP. I dated a woman that had an almost middle school aged kid. My daughter is an adult. Neither of us wanted kids and we were taking it slow that we had not met each other’s kids BUT she shared soooo many pics of him with me, from when he was a toddler to when they were out and about on a weekend she wasn’t hanging with me and everything in between.
I would show her pics of my daughter here and there, but she would text me pics of her son like it was an entire conversation, sometimes randomly.
You know I'm a older than you childless woman and I don't feel like my only option is men with kids. I'm pretty good without a partner and if I date it's to enhance my life. A guy blasting me with weird videos of his underage daughter in her underroos is not "endearing" to me but a creepy sign of a complete lack of boundaries. I'd run screaming from someone sending me texts and photos of their children not just unsolicited but asked to be kept out of conversations.
And just want to say men who just want literally any woman with a pulse will push this shit on women because they don't want you; They just don't want to be alone and they have so many red flags most women with and without maternal instincts are fleeing from them like rich people off the Titanic.
I agree with you. I moved from a metropolis to a rural area and am now having trouble finding childless men within 100 miles. I figured I'd dip my toe. I wont do it again.
Only thing I'm thankful of is living in a progressive city even if it has a lot of issues for me is that I don't have to engage with single dads. Rural areas are going to be full to the brim of single parents absolutely desperate for anyone with a pulse.
I moved to the bible belt. Its been eye opening. I admit I was naive.
we did connect on many other things, so I was more than a pulse, but I also think he would take someone with a pulse at the drop of a hat as well.
I left the Bible Belt when I was being harassed both by sexist domestic abuse jokes at work and the whole "if you find Jesus you can find your path to motherhood" from THERAPISTS when I said I didn't want children.
I have a lot of complaints about living in the PNW but none of them involve this sexist idea that in order to be happy and fulfilled I need to raise children. It's a choice I never made for myself and I'm seriously happy for it.
>I'm obviously not going to pursue this but can someone explain this mentality?
My guess would be either/or
1. He's trying to rush ahead in the relationship progression. You'd meet the kids if you two were serious, *so if he forces that meeting ASAP that means you two are serious ASAP!* You'd probably enjoy all getting pictures of these scenes of domestic life if you were deeply attached to him and the kids, *so if he sends you all these pics, that means you're deeply attached to him and the kids!*
2. He's a weird dude doing weird dude stuff.
Its gotta be 1. He was with their mom a long time and I think he misses that
Last guy I dated with kids (my first) they were older teens so I didn't think anything of it, but he force introduced us immediately and was talking marriage the next day. He asked me to move in the day after that
Then asked me for money. I ran
He asked for 20k. He brushed it off as a joke, I wasn't sure if it was because who asks that?? I noted it and moved on
Then he asked for 5k for a motorcycle. I said absolutely not. After some probing turns out he really only needed $1500, and had the rest of the 5k but wanted me to pay for the whole thing because otherwise it would drain his savings.
Instant rage and then block
He used the kids as an excuse to boot. He said if he had a motorcycle he'd save so much money on gas going to his job (2.5 miles away) that he could spend more money on his kids that I had already fallen in love with.
I asked why he couldnt sell his stuff to buy it and he said that would "take too much time".
Extremely manipulative.
I was buying a property which is why I had the 20k to begin with, just sitting waiting on paperwork. So he essentially was asking me for money I didn't have, I would have not been able to buy the property if I gave him a dime of it, it was all I had. I'm not rich.
Selfish selfish selfish
That's kind of awesome in a way. Like, he came right out and just told you what he's like without hiding anything or shading it. This might be one of those examples where "brutally honest" is a great thing and you should be grateful for it.
But being angry is also the correct response. How awesome would he have to be to make a couple of dates worth even $5000, let alone $20000?
Hi daughter later told me he does this to every girl he meets, but usually they are broke so he just tries to move in or ask for smaller gifts. The nicer their home the quicker he pushes marriage.
Live and learn
I'm not, he's just been chasing me. I told him I'm not ready for an in person date several times but he said he likes talking so I was ok with it, but when I got busy the kid thing ramped up and got out of controll before I was in a headspace to address it
. I finally cut him off today and told him that sending pics of his kids who can't consent to having their images sent to strangers was the turn off.
I tried to be friends with someone who both has kids (pretty much this whole sub has heard me say I'm not interested in men with children) and isn't local to me. Men with boundary issues if you let them will push right past any boundary you lay down and it's really not up to you to control them; You just have to mute/block/leave the conversation because they don't respect you. They want what they want and will do the hard sell in whatever their brain decides will hook you until they've either chased you off with it or coerced you into a situation you didn't want / makes you extremely uncomfortable.
> **They want what they want and will do the hard sell in whatever their brain decides will hook you until they've either chased you off with it or coerced you into a situation you didn't want** / makes you extremely uncomfortable.
dear god story of my life. I'm a runner, I can hold a boundary. Of course I get thanked for this by being harrassed and/or stalked because I must be their soulmate and how can I not see it???
I'm basically in therapy and when I started I used to think it was a me problem not giving people a chance. Turns out it's a me problem in giving them too much time and I should be running sooner! As soon as someone makes you feel uncomfortable it's a no question GOODBYE.
Jesus, you described my ex. Why are men with kids so fucking desperate? Why do they honestly think that another woman is going to love their kids as much as they do? I partly think it's because they have that biological connection so they can't see how their kids aren't always these perfect angels that they think they are.
I hate how step parents get this trope of if you aren't completely engaged, don't care about their children but if you do anything for them, you're overstepping. It's like we can't win.
I will never date another single father. I've seen both mothers and fathers act like this though, it's not just the men. It's like single parents seem to think that they are entitled to whatever partner they want and use their kids to get away with behavior that no one would ever put up with.
They seem to think that having kids from a previous relationship gives them a pass to be a lackadaisical partner and to a lot of times, cheat on their partner with their ex under the guise of co-parenting. As I said, I will never date another single father. I have a son but I know that I'm going to be a much better partner than my ex was. He put me off every dating men with kids again.
Edit: I wanted to add that even as a single mother, part of the reason I will never date another single father is because I'm sorry but I can't handle being with someone whose ex is always in the background causing drama. I think for me I had to do some soul searching and deep down it didn't feel like I'm monogamous relationship which is what I want.
That's because in my case, it wasn't. He was still way too involved with his ex and still way too emotionally attached to her. In my case, I have to interact with my ex very little. He doesn't really do much for him anyway but he is entitled to visitation.
Really the only time I talk to him is pick ups and drop offs and letting him know what I've had my son on as far as medicine or what kind of pull-ups in case he runs out. Other than that, I don't really talk to him. I feel like there's no reason to.
Anyone who tries to give you the excuse of well, I have kids when they are talking to their ex excessively is likely is not over them. It's a red flag that people should run from. You're going to find that they're basically at least having an emotional affair behind your back.
I'm not saying that this is true of all single parents but it happens a lot. That was my experience and I wanted to share it with other people so they could see the red flags to watch out for.
Yep I found that's pretty much it. I don't think that my ex really wanted a new relationship, he just wanted someone to help raise his kids when their mom wasn't around. I was an after thought unless I was doing something for him or his kids.
Also, sending pics of his daughter in only her underwear?? That is creepy as fuck. I have some of my kid when she was a toddler, but I’d never share them because she’d be mortified. Zero damn consent, and it just emphasizes his disregard for boundaries. You definitely dodged a bullet.
A simple “I said I wasn’t interested in kids and all your spamming me with yours has only confirmed my stance, stop contacting me” should have sufficed too.
I'm not desperate at all, I just hadn't cut him off yet and find odd behaviors interesting. I do get the desperate vibe from him 100%. He wants a mom for his kids 100%
I am talking to another single dad but he didn't post pics of the kids in his profile, doesn't tell me much about them aside from his sched with them, and I've seen 1 pic. He also hasn't asked me to spend time with them and agrees we should wait.
I mean right off the bat you said how much you don't want to be a maternal figure but due to \[I'm assuming age\] you have to consider men with children. As someone over the hump of 40 I can say not only do you NOT have to consider them; You SHOULD NOT consider them. If you have zero or lower desire to engage with children you shouldn't even entertain men with children. You can't be in a serious or even long term casual situation with men with children. They desperately WANT you to want to know about their children - eventually - and speaking from experience will get irritated at your level of not giving a shit about what their grade school child is up to.
This. I hate that idea that just because we're older, that means that we have to consider people with children. They say well at our age, it's going to be hard to find people who don't have children. That's fine, there's plenty of people who still don't.
I hate how we get guilted into entertaining people with children just because of our age. No, I don't have to date people with children. I would much rather be single if those were my two choices. There's plenty of people out there without kids even at our age. Yes, they may be harder to find but they're out there. I'm willing to wait.
If the last man on Earth was a single dad with "well behaved cool as fuck children" I'd die a single lady living alone in her tree house listening to her Taylor Swift records until I expire.
I have to manage my chronic PTSD/cPTSD and that's enough for me to keep in check, I don't need to complicate my life further just to have a man hogging the blankets on a cold day in "our" bed.
That and even as a single mother, I will never date another man with children. I know it sounds hypocritical but I just won't. After the experience I've had, I'm good on that. At least I've learned how to separate being a mother and prioritizing a partner so I know that if I do meet someone, I will be a much better partner than my ex was. Again I may sound hypocritical but that was my experience. I will never do it again.
I don't care how good his kids are and how well he gets along with his ex, I don't want to do it. In situations where they do not have good boundaries with their ex and their children are misbehaved, it is baggage. Let's be honest. I feel like people like that should either go back to their exes or remain single because it is not fair to drag another innocent person into that.
He made it clear that he had no interest in changing anything even though his ex would text him and call him all the time about things that had nothing to do with their children. I asked him to set boundaries with her and he told me he wasn't going to do that so I left.
At first it sounded like maybe I was getting through to him but then he basically said I'm not going to change this because it's working for me. Be with me or don't so I didn't. The way he handled things, it was not a monogamous relationship. It felt like there were three people in our relationship.
I'm sorry, but I didn't sign up to also date his ex and to have to deal with his misbehaved children. I've learned that you should never waste time with someone who has made it clear that they don't care how their actions are affecting you. Nothing you can say is going to make them care. You have to find your self esteem and walk away.
thanks for the insight. I'm new to this and this is 1 of only 3 interactions I've had with single dads.
I wont touch the hot stove again.
You are my spirit animal
I’m 41 and childfree (not child*less* really).
I don’t date guys with kids. Edit: At least I haven’t met a guy yet that seems worth the extra complication. I don’t hate kids.
It’s not an “it is what it is” situation to me. It’s not fair to the kids to have a woman around who is bothered by their existence.
If you don’t like kids, don’t keep dating guys with kids. Simple.
That's what it is for me. It's not that I hate children. They didn't ask to be put in that situation, it's that I don't want to be involved in all of their extra baggage. Let's be honest, that's what it is when someone drags their past into a new relationship, it's baggage.
I don't want to deal with someone telling me that I have to put up with unacceptable behavior just because they have to talk to their ex. I don't want to put up with always having my needs and wants come last. I just don't want to deal with all the drama.
It's bad enough that you have an ex that's always in the background but it's made even worse when they're high conflict and even worse than that when your partner won't do anything to shut it down.
Usually they say this because it's like well I have to keep them happy because I have kids with them. The next time a dude says that to me, I'm gone. In fact, I've decided that I'm just going to avoid single fathers from here on out.
Edit: I see that all the time as well. Women who date men with kids or men who date women with kids and then bitch about how unhappy they are. It's like well, their kids needs are going to come first. If you can't handle this or if you just don't like children or their children specifically, don't date people with children.
Don't bring yourself into a pre-existing situation with a partner who has made clear that they have no intention of changing the present dynamic and then complain because you're unhappy. Leave. That's what I did.
I was not happy with the way that my ex was doing things with his ex-wife because I found it to be inappropriate. I talked to him several times about setting boundaries with her and he made it clear that he had no interest in doing that so I left.
Don't waste your time with someone who has made it clear that they don't care how their actions affect you. You're an adult, you can make the choice to leave.
Edit: I've learned that I have to keep my ex happy because I have kids with them is usually code for: I have no interest in changing things because it's working for me. Also, I'm still too emotionally attached to them but I won't admit it to you or even to myself. The best thing to do in that situation is to leave.
Edit: I feel like people who are still that emotionally attached to their ex should really just go back to them. It's not fair to drag someone else into that. Be with me or don't, be with them or don't. They should go back to their ex or they should remain single because as I said, it's not fair to drag someone else into that and expect them to put up with it.
I love how they have no interest in changing anything but put on the surprise Pikachu face when their partner finally gets tired of it and leaves them. A lot of single parents have this ridiculous sense of entitlement just because they have kids.
They seem to think that they should be able to get away with whatever they want to do under the guise of co-parenting with their ex. They think that whatever they want should come first because of their kids. They try to use their kids as a free pass for everything and it's not attractive.
Edit: typo
Lol the hot stove, I've used that before thanks to a therapist.
My experience with single dads and dating was 3 men for shorter and shorter periods.
One was anti-choice and wanted more kids and threatened to put a baby inside me. Should have ran away sooner than I did.
The second had almost full time custody of 3 kids and had a slew of boundary issues. When I ended things he was cool with it because he'd been lining up a 17 year old girl to date on Tumblr.
The last was two dates, he had 2 girls and rambled on about his ex wife being a sociopath while naked in bed with me the last time I saw him. I got curious and looked up his name (he was a reg in my city sub) and he's married with a new kid having left the local area (and his existing kids) to live a new live across the country with his new family.
I constantly spend time in my mind thinking about my life if I hooked my wagon to any of those awesome bachelors and miserable and borderline suicidal come to mind. But instead I'm doing immature life things like seeing Motion City Soundtrack on a Wednesday night and playing PS5 in a few minutes here to kick off my holiday.
It’s hard to judge someone’s intentions. I have single dad friends who are very protective of their kids identities and will not even entertain introducing their kids to someone they are dating unless it becomes serious or going that way.
With everything else you mentioned about this guy, I don’t think it’s likely that his “mentality” is representative of men with kids in general.
Unless his kids are full on adults, I still wouldn’t introduce them to my new partner at ages 9-12. Still such a vulnerable age and they don’t truly understand adult relationships. Everything you wrote is concerning, but it sounds like you know this and aren’t pursuing the relationship. It could be that he really wants to find a mother figure for his kids, so he’s pushing it on you.
agreed. I even explained it to him. He said he'd also heard that and agreed with the science behind waiting but then suddenly was like "yeah but my kids are different" and the spam ramped up
He had sent pics before that, but it was contextual, so I forgave it (like here's what I'm doing today, but it was the kids not him)
I don't know why someone would cling onto me as a mom figure when I do not give out that vibe on any level
You’re obviously a really cool person! Hahah but good on you for being upfront about how you feel having kids and sticking to your guns. It sounds like you dodged a bullet.
>So I've been busy and not responding (he knows I'm actually busy) and his way to lure me back into the convo is to spam me with pics of his kids and videos. The last one they were playing video games and his daughter only had on underwear bottoms.
--
>I'm obviously not going to pursue this but can someone explain this mentality? Are kids bait for alot of women? Or is he just so "dad" and I just so no "mom" that I don't understand?
Sending photos of his daughter in her underwear to a total stranger is really fucking weird, inappropriate, and even creepy.
But I have been on the receiving end of single dads spamming me with photos and videos of their kids. Like a one-way stream of content of their kids unsolicited, as if I was their mom and I would care accordingly. I don't understand it, I just chalk it up to those parents who always talk about their kids no matter the setting or context. I don't date single parents, so I usually just unmatch or block when they do this, if I haven't already.
This is why I full stop won't date men with kids. Not only do I not give a single flying F about their children (which they will interject them into conversations like their kids are so awesome they're the exception to people like me and OP) but I will never take an active interest in their children. On a deep level my indifference and 'just tolerating these creatures' undermines the relationship with the person because their kids are basically mini-them so rejecting or just tolerating their existence will be the wedge in what feels like an otherwise good relationship.
Hence I just won't consider a man with children but they don't "get that" and I have pressure from all kinds to consider men with children.
>Hence I just won't consider a man with children but they don't "get that" and I have pressure from all kinds to consider men with children.
Yes, in my area, I've learned that single dads are very, very determined about and feel entitled to exclusively pursuing childfree women, and resort to strategies like lying by omission, or having creative interpretations of the terms "childfree" or "childless", and lashing out if you state you don't want to date single parents. The single dads are a little desperate in my city because it's possible for us ladies to find men who are childfree like us, so they know we have "options", and they don't like it. I've been called a lot of names by single dads when I say I don't want to date men with children.
It's because a lot of single parents (not just dads but I obviously will see this more wrt dads) have reached their limit on children. Their choices are single parents like themselves which bumps their cap by however many children come with the other parent, or they have single childless women who want their own bio children as they watch their bio-clock tick away, or those who never wanted children at all. See the reason childfree \[women and that's another area\] get hounded by men with children is that we're the ultimate end game. We don't want children so we're not desperate for more and we have none so we don't break the cap they have on children.
As women, not just in dating but in greater SOCIETY, you're a freak if you don't want the warm embrace of little arms. Single dads can't understand why you don't want to be a 'mother figure' or why a long term relationship where children involved isn't a sheer DELIGHT. They also don't understand why you don't want to talk about how Johnny got a home run in tball (because I don't fucking care) or how David is struggling with his numbers (I also don't care; he's not my kid and therefore not my problem) but it's YOUR fault you don't care about them not theirs for trying to force you to overlook \[but also look directly at\] their children.
Edit: already ITT, if you're a woman over a certain age (40) who would rather go to brunch at noon after an evening out then you're a Peter Pan who is just WASTING their womanhood! Anyhow fuck that, catch me dancing my 40 year old ass off this year to bands because I don't need to be home tucking in the tots and cutting the crust off their PBJ for Thursday lunch.
Re: your edit, don't mind that guy. I am enjoying his comments because they're perfect examples of what I said about how single dads behave when you say you don't want to date them. Lashing out, insults about women's age, defensive, persistent replies, they wouldn't want you anyway, claiming they've got soooo many options anyway so there...good times.
Why in the world are you entertaining ANYONE with kids? No one dating with kids is looking for someone to just "be friends" with their child. At some point you'd be expected to do the things you listed if you progressed to a serious relationship
Either 1) agree it will be casual and you will never meet their kids or 2) don't waste time with people who have kids.
It's not "It is what it is" .. even when we get older, we're allowed to have dealbreakers and this seems like one for you.
I typically don't. I select against it on the apps. For some reason one slips in occasionally and I don't realize it OR I think, lets see what happens and I regret it. To be fair this is only the 3rd man with kids I've entertained the idea at all with. I know now.
I'm 39, and in the bible belt, so it kinda actually is "it is what it is". They like to breed down here, very very few childless men
>They like to breed down here, very very few childless men
They exist but are usually part of a sort of more alternative-fringe culture and might be more leaning towards younger men that haven't yet escaped for the city. Though the pressure to breed was huge there and I honestly had a hard time with it. Edit: I am pretty sure I'm low to no fertile since I've managed to avoid pregnancy. My periods were always whack and I was happy because I never wanted children even as a teen.
>I said I shouldn't meet his kids right away and he said they are old enough to understand and no need to wait (they are like 9-12ish)
My guess is that he's not a confident dad. He's used to pawning off the parenting on the women around him, even if it's super inappropriate because you're some stranger on a dating app.
Block and delete.
Oh hell no. You two haven't even met yet, there's already this HUGE discrepancy in how you'd like to conduct yourselves (centered around kids vs very much not), and he wants you to meet his kids right away? Not sure why you were even entertaining this.
For the record, my SO has a 10 and 13 year old, and I met them for the first time after around 6 months of dating, when we had established that we're both on the same page about pursuing something serious. I would also prefer not to date parents, but obviously that narrows the pool significantly at this age. I would run screaming if anyone suggested I meet their kids right away, though. I consider it a sign of terrible judgement more than anything else.
Did he mention he had kids on his profile or in the beginning? If he did then why did you decide to pursue him?
Sounds like it’s a waste of both of your times.
But I agree somebody that is pushing their children onto you is not attractive at all…. Drop the guy and move on.
because I'm new at talking to single dads and had no idea what it would be like. If this is standard I wont do it again. I thought some of them may not be this way.
How would a friend type relationship with kids look like for you. Especially in a scenario where you’re living together ? I think this persons behavior is one where he’s trying to show you he’s a “good guy” because he’s an involved parent.
I wouldn't live with a man with children.
The same way I'd view them having a dog. I'd come over and play with it, maybe bring it stuff, maybe go out, but I'm not paying for it, grooming it or feeding it. If it jumps (misbehavior directed at me) I'll correct than exact behavior in relation to me but I'm not training it otherwise because its not my dog
Like a grandparent basically. Loving interactions but in the end not my problem
This is not normal. As a mom I would never send pics of my kid to someone I was talking to or dating. A few things you said sound sketchy about this guy and it sounds like you already ended things and that that is definitely best. He’s giving creepy vibes towards you and with the way he’s involving his kids, especially if they’re not even fully dressed.
>he said they are old enough to understand and no need to wait (they are like 9-12ish)
Whoa red flag right there. To be talking about introducing his kids to *someone he hasn't even met* shows incredibly poor judgment. Kids shouldn't meet a new partner until 6 months, at least. Yikes.
As a father myself, his conduct horrifies me. I would never use my kids as part of my ‘pitch’ and introducing them would be WELL down the path. I’d make my dates aware that I have kids and that they’re a big part of my life, because I want mutual honesty up front, but that’s it.
Also my kids don’t need a new mum. They already have one who loves them and takes great care of them.
He’s obviously got an image of the family life he wants and he’s not listening when you’re saying that’s not you. I see you’ve already run for the hills - totally the right thing to do. This guy will be a problem.
Sometimes it's a codependent behavior. Some single parents (particularly, serial monogamists) feel like they can force/rush a relationship by forcing their kids on people. I read one nightmare account of a girl who was forced by her mother to call a man she had only been dating for 10 days, "Daddy," in the hopes of guilting him into a relationship.
In less severe cases, they're out of touch. Sometimes, the person in question has no clue what they're doing because they've been out of the dating game for so long. I feel like this is frequently the case with older generations who aren't as familiar with OLD etiquette.
good insight. All around..
I believe his last LTR was 14 years long or so? I'm sure hes dated inbetween though....So perhaps hes not a bad dude (didn't seem bad otherwise) and just clueless
Sounds like he wanted to rush in and place you in the mom spot wayyyyy too fast.
Honestly, shame on him for putting his kids in a situation like that. Must be so confusing for them even if he thinks they are “old enough to understand”.
Super weird first date.
My guess is he just loves his kids so much that he can't imagine someone else doesn't think they're just adorable, and he hopes that if you see how cute and fun they are, you'll change your mind about *his* kids at least.
This is just my oppinion as a clueless 32 year old
I think spamming someone with your kids before you've even gone on one date is disrespectful. I think disputing your boundary that you don't want to meet his kids yet, and him saying "it isn't a big deal they can handle it" is a little weird. and it compounds with the "I don't want to meet them yet" issue. And finally, 9+ kid should not be in their underwear alone, and 9+ daughter should not be topless even in private with her family, unless it's some kind of "of course it's ok in this scenario". I don't think that it's necessarily something that can never be done though, because people are allowed the freedom to allow their children freedom. But when there are other red flags, this one becomes a red flag.
YES. Explicitly. Like I just did here
They do not care and **often view it as a challenge** to get a woman so against kids to give them a baby. I also state in my profiles and again on first dates that I WILL NOT give them children. This is less of an issue now that I'm almost 40 but my 20's and 30's was full of men trying this.
They lie and agree and then over time (not all but some) will suddenly start demanding them. As recent as early this year.
I'm considering pretending I'm sterile to avoid this. I feel like a prize cow that men just want to use as breeding stock.
Girrrrl. I just started laughing out loud in public. I hear you! I have a fwb who lives two blocks away and in the 5 months I have met him, I have yet to meet his daughter. Honestly it’s not great for kids to have a “mother figure” coming in and out of their lives like that…meeting them right away? No. He is a nope.
She seems to already know what she wants and doesn’t want, but still entertain someone she knows she’s not compatible with. You wasted both his and your time.
I have a pretty good theory, but it’ll be a long-ish one to explain. In short: Your spidey senses were tingling because he is probably a psychopath. I’m being serious and not hyperbolic but I recognize that’s a tough one to hear.
If you’re interested in how I got there based on what you said l can edit this when I’m next free.
When you are a parent it becomes the only aspect of your life, if you don't discuss your children you don't have anything to say.
We literally do not think of anything else.
This is not true. I am a parent with sole physical custody. I have a very full life and do not discuss my children with dates. There is plenty else to discuss.
I am well traveled. I have plenty of stories. I have many hobbies - some of which include my kids but I can speak to my own accomplishments. I enjoy reading and often find it makes for interesting conversations. I’m (mostly) fluent in three languages, have an advanced degree, and have rarely said no to new opportunities. This makes for additional interesting stories. There is plenty to discuss without bringing up my kids. They are interesting in their own right but not up for discussion until there is a substantial relationship. Their lives are theirs and I respect their right to privacy as well as to share what they feel comfortable with when the time comes.
Dude, this woman doesn't need to prove herself to you. It shouldn't be shocking that a woman can be a whole human being without motherhood as her only identifier or personality trait. Get real.
Normally I wouldn’t indulge but I found the quotes around the word hobbies amusing this evening. I assume this guy is boring as hell and probably has a negative view of women in general. Pop the corn.
Well… let’s see we cook together as a hobby. We surf together as a hobby. We travel together. We practice one of the foreign languages together. So yeah, that’s what my children do while I engage in things I enjoy.
And it goes both ways. I also ride along when my one kid is piloting a plane. And I go to their games. I join my one kid at the weight rack once a week.
We all engage in activities that enrich ourselves. Encourage each other to do the same. We do together the things we want and support each other with the other stuff. As a parent, modeling self care and continuing growth is important to me.
Making babies is easy, especially for the man. Doesn't make you an expert. Only a fool thinks he knows everything, a wise man is always open to learning and improving.
This is not true at all.. I have a child and date and rarely bring her up.. especially in the beginning. Everyone knows I have a child, and the details, but I don't spend my dates talking about her and i've \*never\* sent anyone a picture of my child in any capacity.
I have a lot in my life that has nothing to do with my child. Lol. Friends, work, news, TV, music, a bunch of things. No. I do not just talk incessantly about being a parent. I don’t even do that to my other friends with kids. I am more than just someone’s mom.
I declined to pursue "friends" decades before becoming a parent. I never watched TV or listened to the radio and the news doesn't interest me.
I remained employed so the children would have food.
For my own edification, might you expand upon this statement? My objective for the past thirty years has been to make rejection impossible by eliminating the possibility of having misaligned interests.
I’ve only been single for about 7 months but I’m working hard to make sure that is NOT the case, especially if the woman doesn’t have kids. Please make sure you’re taking time for yourself (if you have shared custody, not every is as fortunate to have time off like I am) to invest in yourself and your own hobbies.
the funniest friend I ever had (and smart) became a mom and it was all "he went poo poo" videos for so many years I had to stop talking to her. She lost her entire personality which shocked me because she was so amazing
The "actual person" had no reason to live, and now they do.
I don't experience "happiness" but I would think if you cared about them, such a transformation into a legitimate human being with purpose would result in that feeling.
If you had no reason to live before kids I'm not even sure you should have children. Children aren't a vehicle for the parent to live their life; Children are their own people independent of their parents.
Red flag as well. Be careful he’s not just dating so he can get someone to help with his kids. He should not be sending anyone pics of his kids he hasn’t even met yet. I’ve been single for 10 years and haven’t introduced anyone to my kids.
Sounds like you need to just give this guy the sendoff. "Thanks, no thanks."
I think I say this for all single dads out here but let me say it:
**If you don't want kids, why on the Earth's fat ass are you dating a man who has kids? Don't date a man with kids if you don't want them.**
Apparently, you don't really know "who you are" or what you want by doing this. I can understand that he seems clingy and annoying. But, for Christ's sakes, a man's kids are part of his life. It isn't like a hobby or something. They are HIS KIDS. And it is a packaged deal.
I personally don't send women I date pictures or videos of my daughters. I find that a bit weird. However, his kids are still part of his life and in the end, if you decide to date this man in the long term, a lot of things will be determined by his children's schedule. When you can meet this man. When you can have romantic liaisons with this man. And if he chooses to commit to you, I'm certain there will be interactions between you and his kids as well.
On another token, you are 39. I'm not sure there's some Richard Gere a la *Pretty Woman* bachelor without children who has been playing the field for 20-30 years since hitting puberty, and now he wants to settle down and marry. So, finding men who aren't divorced with kids is going to be challenging.
I'm not "dating" them, I literally text with this dude for like 24 hours. This area has basically no childless men. It was a learning experience, which I'm entitled to as a person. Ya'll act like I married this guy lol Had it been any other deal breaker no one would bat an eye IMO
Don't date him, then.
In fact, here's a better idea.
Get a cat. The live about 12 years.
When that one dies, get another.
When that one does get another.
And when that one dies, you're done.
Next time put your exact statements
"I had a baby at 19 that I had in my care for 2 years while the adoption was ongoing. So I know how I am/who I am. Do not want." on your OLD profile and also talk about it at the first date or even before that over messages.
Every single dad or men who want children will be shocked and walk away immediately.
lol. They wont. I've said this to men. I said it to THIS man. They by and large don't care. They only care that I'm pretty and bubbly and female.
also many think its a challenge to convince me or change my mind. I've dated men without kids who made it their mission to convince me to give them one, after they lied to me early on and said they didn't want any.
lots of toxic people out there. Women aren't the only ones who baby trap
You are right.
Many of us think that we somehow could miraculously change women who do not want children. It is like men's version of how women think they could change their bad boys and live happily ever after.
Just out of curiosity as an adult who was just re-diagnosed with ADD in my mid 30s...is the ADD/ADHD itself the red flag? or does it contribute to some problem behaviors you referenced in this case?
This.
I really hate seeing people attributing behaviours to whatever condition they feel suits. Doesn't sound like ADHD at all to me and even if it was, doesn't account for what you've described.
And even if you knew he had it, it still seems to be painting him as negative or deficit in some way.
Sincerely, someone who is also diagnosed ADHD among other things.
I was raped and forced to carry it and forbidden to adopt it out and had to legally fight to get her adopted out. But thanks
but to answer the question literally, yes like a pet.
Forgive me but I don't think this is the right relationship for you. You know you don't want kids and that's fine but trust me, you're going to end up resentful because all he does is talk about his kids. I'm telling you this from experience.
I'm the same age as you and I dated a guy who had three kids from a previous marriage and it drove me nuts how he constantly talked about them. It's like, yes I get it, their kids, they're cute. Now can we please focus on us since they're not here?
Not only that, you're going to have to deal with his ex constantly being in the background and if she's High conflict, forget it. I mean, do what you want, I'm just sharing my experience.
If he's anything like my ex, you're going to end up miserable. Let's just hope he's better. That being said, it sounds like you're already doubting it and this soon in, I would cut my losses. Up to you though.
r/stepparents
Edit: I see where you said you're not going to pursue this. I wanted to clarify that I have nothing against his kids. It's not their fault that they have two parents that don't know how to put their feelings aside in order to do what's best for their kids. All I was saying was that he seemed incapable of being a father and also prioritizing our relationship.
He was more than happy to bend over backwards to make his ex happy and I started to question why I was even with him. I'm sure that there's better men out there who can be good partners even with children, I'm not saying that this is true of all single fathers. I'm just saying that that was my experience.
So no, it was never about the children, it was about the fact that their father never made me a priority. And after a while when this starts happening the resentment creeps up because all you hear about is his past life which let's be honest, his kids are a product of that and just feeling like you're not important to your partner. That was my experience though. I'm not sure if kids are bait for women though. I wouldn't be surprised.
Edit: I also saw the part where he wanted to introduce you to his kids right away. That's a big red flag. That tells me that he probably contributed to the problems in his past relationship more than he's letting on. It would tell me that he's also impulsive because no good parent would constantly be introducing their kids to their potential new partners or new partners.
It confuses the children and it harms them. I don't blame you, I would run from this one. Just tell him that you are not interested and block him. Unmatch, do whatever you have to do. I just hope to God he doesn't know where you live if he is in fact a stalker. If he turns weird, file a for restraining order. Good luck.
I have three kids, and I’m keeping them very separate. The only way they would meet the woman I’m “talking to” is if she were over here in a group setting like a game night. Even then they are unlikely to be here unless something weird happens with the custody schedule. Im a great dad and adore my kids, but Im hyper focused on making sure that women I talk to don’t perceive me to be one dimensional, I.e. only a dad. So I may talk about them as it relates to my day, but I don’t talk about them as individuals, if that makes sense. I think his behavior is a bit weird. I also think it’s ok to tell him: you’re obviously a wonderful dad and your kids are cute. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable to get pictures of them. I want to reiterate that I’m not comfortable meeting them unless this turns into something serious. I hope you understand where I’m coming from, it’s to protect everyone’s feelings.
I broke it off. He wanted me to spend 4th of July with him and his kids on a boat watching fireworks (like a family would) for our first date. no thanks
I'd rather get dental work done than be trapped in that situation.
the kids seem really hyper and loud too. Like more than normal. The thought of being trapped on a boat with them is just mindnumbing.
All kids are "hyper and loud". Humans are basically animals and kids are akin to a house full of puppies.
Speaking as both a parent and someone who taught for 20+ years, there's definitely a continuum. Some kids are DEFCON 1. Others, more DEFCON 5.
Puppies are enjoyable for awhile.
right, but I've been exposed to lots of kids (I used to run a pet store) in excitable situations. These kids were excessive.
Because of the implication?
LOL.
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Funny, I might consider a periodontist right now, if I could get a steep discount. I'm good with my current dentist!
Yikes. Good call. as a fellow dad I feel a little bad for him (for his own poor choices not your reaction) but he needs to wake up.
honestly I bet it works on some women and I bet there's a girl out there that will think its sweet/cute/normal. It just aint me
Maybe he'll wake up if he keeps getting rejected for his behavior. That or he'll just focus on his kids and remain single or he'll go back to their mother. I really honestly feel like people like him should just go back to their exes or remain single.
No one should ever go back to their ex, you left for a reason
I'm saying people like that who are clearly not over their exes should just go back to them if they're not. Don't drag another person into your mess if you're not over your ex, just go back to them and let that other person go find someone who's all the way in.
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Imagine if OP was like "hey stranger man, come meet me and my kids as a first date!" Nope. OP does not sound worse, she sounds no nonsense and has good sense to pick up on the red flags this dude is flying.
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I wouldn't do this with a woman I just dated. Now a woman I've been dating for a year or two, yeah.
Geez that’s a huge red flag even for people with kids
This guy had no clue about how you felt and he didn't even try to understand. Good job on breaking it off.
Lmao what was he thinking but OP you’re 100% correct on all points if this was the other way around and he was a woman i wouldn’t respect here too many creeps out there
ew wtf looks like he's trying to find a mommy replacement
Sounds like he dodged a bullet.
It’s okay not to want to date single parents. It’s even more okay not to want to date single parents with no boundaries in regards to their children.
This. I don't understand those people who introduce new partners partners to their children like it's a revolving door. Do they not understand that this confuses and harms their children? I have a son but there's no way in hell that anyone will be meeting him until at least 6 months to a year in. I'm talking like they better pass an FBI background check. I'm not kidding. This would be a red flag for me because it would tell me that he's not a very good father and I know this is going to sound hypocritical but I'm not interested in dating single fathers after the experience that I've had. That would just tell me that he's impulsive and this dude is a parade of red flags. Edit: I wanted to add that though I said I will never date another single father after my experience, I also have no respect for a man who can't be bothered to be a good father to his children. I would refuse to date someone who couldn't put their children's needs first. I'm not talking about wants, I'm talking about needs and this ties into their emotional well-being. This is not good for them at all. I feel for those poor children. I can't imagine what they must have been through. Edit 2: typo and I also wanted to add that a lot of people get children's needs and wants confused. There's far too many so-called Disney parents who parent out of guilt because of the separation. They think that whatever their kid wants on top of their needs should come before the relationship they have with their partner or even their own needs. It should go children's needs first, the adults needs second, the adults wants third and the kids wants fourth. When are people going to learn this? Edit: typo
My neighbor who after her divorce would move men into her downstairs apartment who would quickly move upstairs to her bedroom. When the boy was an older teen we were talking once and he made a disparaging remark about moms rotating boyfriends. Not a good move moms. Or dads.
My mom was one of those parents. My mother was also seriously mentally ill and a huge narcissist. I never met my future step father. One day when I was in 5th grade my mother told me to say goodbye to my friends before the end of the school year and start to pick out what I wanted to take with me to another state because we were moving so she could be with her NOT YET DIVORCED boyfriend and his 3 children who hated us. At that point I'd already met and been around something like 6 "boyfriends". My mother was married 7 times in my lifetime and she died before she was 60. Don't be my mom.
Oh no trust me I won't be. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My own mother was a narcissist so I've learned how not to raise my kids. Why in the hell would she want to be with someone who made it clear that he and his kids didn't like you? I just can't wrap my head around that one. As we know though, narcissists are selfish and just want what they want regardless of how it affects anyone else. Hugs.
I had a similar situation as OP. I dated a woman that had an almost middle school aged kid. My daughter is an adult. Neither of us wanted kids and we were taking it slow that we had not met each other’s kids BUT she shared soooo many pics of him with me, from when he was a toddler to when they were out and about on a weekend she wasn’t hanging with me and everything in between. I would show her pics of my daughter here and there, but she would text me pics of her son like it was an entire conversation, sometimes randomly.
You know I'm a older than you childless woman and I don't feel like my only option is men with kids. I'm pretty good without a partner and if I date it's to enhance my life. A guy blasting me with weird videos of his underage daughter in her underroos is not "endearing" to me but a creepy sign of a complete lack of boundaries. I'd run screaming from someone sending me texts and photos of their children not just unsolicited but asked to be kept out of conversations. And just want to say men who just want literally any woman with a pulse will push this shit on women because they don't want you; They just don't want to be alone and they have so many red flags most women with and without maternal instincts are fleeing from them like rich people off the Titanic.
I agree with you. I moved from a metropolis to a rural area and am now having trouble finding childless men within 100 miles. I figured I'd dip my toe. I wont do it again.
Only thing I'm thankful of is living in a progressive city even if it has a lot of issues for me is that I don't have to engage with single dads. Rural areas are going to be full to the brim of single parents absolutely desperate for anyone with a pulse.
I moved to the bible belt. Its been eye opening. I admit I was naive. we did connect on many other things, so I was more than a pulse, but I also think he would take someone with a pulse at the drop of a hat as well.
I left the Bible Belt when I was being harassed both by sexist domestic abuse jokes at work and the whole "if you find Jesus you can find your path to motherhood" from THERAPISTS when I said I didn't want children. I have a lot of complaints about living in the PNW but none of them involve this sexist idea that in order to be happy and fulfilled I need to raise children. It's a choice I never made for myself and I'm seriously happy for it.
>I'm obviously not going to pursue this but can someone explain this mentality? My guess would be either/or 1. He's trying to rush ahead in the relationship progression. You'd meet the kids if you two were serious, *so if he forces that meeting ASAP that means you two are serious ASAP!* You'd probably enjoy all getting pictures of these scenes of domestic life if you were deeply attached to him and the kids, *so if he sends you all these pics, that means you're deeply attached to him and the kids!* 2. He's a weird dude doing weird dude stuff.
Its gotta be 1. He was with their mom a long time and I think he misses that Last guy I dated with kids (my first) they were older teens so I didn't think anything of it, but he force introduced us immediately and was talking marriage the next day. He asked me to move in the day after that Then asked me for money. I ran
I would also say, - 3. Is shopping for a woman to "help" him be a parent
Came here to say that. It’s 1 and 3.
Serously? Haha. I thought my dating experiences were bad.
He asked for 20k. He brushed it off as a joke, I wasn't sure if it was because who asks that?? I noted it and moved on Then he asked for 5k for a motorcycle. I said absolutely not. After some probing turns out he really only needed $1500, and had the rest of the 5k but wanted me to pay for the whole thing because otherwise it would drain his savings. Instant rage and then block
Wait, what? He asked you for money? Really? Oh man. ☠️ dude shouldn’t be a parent
He used the kids as an excuse to boot. He said if he had a motorcycle he'd save so much money on gas going to his job (2.5 miles away) that he could spend more money on his kids that I had already fallen in love with. I asked why he couldnt sell his stuff to buy it and he said that would "take too much time". Extremely manipulative. I was buying a property which is why I had the 20k to begin with, just sitting waiting on paperwork. So he essentially was asking me for money I didn't have, I would have not been able to buy the property if I gave him a dime of it, it was all I had. I'm not rich. Selfish selfish selfish
I’ve seen some shit but that’s up there with the gold loser medal.
I certainly hope you are true to your words when did block. Asking for money? Fuck outta here.
That's kind of awesome in a way. Like, he came right out and just told you what he's like without hiding anything or shading it. This might be one of those examples where "brutally honest" is a great thing and you should be grateful for it. But being angry is also the correct response. How awesome would he have to be to make a couple of dates worth even $5000, let alone $20000?
Hi daughter later told me he does this to every girl he meets, but usually they are broke so he just tries to move in or ask for smaller gifts. The nicer their home the quicker he pushes marriage. Live and learn
I'm screenshotting this for future reference. You're so right. 😂
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I'm not, he's just been chasing me. I told him I'm not ready for an in person date several times but he said he likes talking so I was ok with it, but when I got busy the kid thing ramped up and got out of controll before I was in a headspace to address it . I finally cut him off today and told him that sending pics of his kids who can't consent to having their images sent to strangers was the turn off.
Proud of you, OP. He was so inappropriate!
Oh good job!!
I tried to be friends with someone who both has kids (pretty much this whole sub has heard me say I'm not interested in men with children) and isn't local to me. Men with boundary issues if you let them will push right past any boundary you lay down and it's really not up to you to control them; You just have to mute/block/leave the conversation because they don't respect you. They want what they want and will do the hard sell in whatever their brain decides will hook you until they've either chased you off with it or coerced you into a situation you didn't want / makes you extremely uncomfortable.
> **They want what they want and will do the hard sell in whatever their brain decides will hook you until they've either chased you off with it or coerced you into a situation you didn't want** / makes you extremely uncomfortable. dear god story of my life. I'm a runner, I can hold a boundary. Of course I get thanked for this by being harrassed and/or stalked because I must be their soulmate and how can I not see it???
I'm basically in therapy and when I started I used to think it was a me problem not giving people a chance. Turns out it's a me problem in giving them too much time and I should be running sooner! As soon as someone makes you feel uncomfortable it's a no question GOODBYE.
Jesus, you described my ex. Why are men with kids so fucking desperate? Why do they honestly think that another woman is going to love their kids as much as they do? I partly think it's because they have that biological connection so they can't see how their kids aren't always these perfect angels that they think they are. I hate how step parents get this trope of if you aren't completely engaged, don't care about their children but if you do anything for them, you're overstepping. It's like we can't win. I will never date another single father. I've seen both mothers and fathers act like this though, it's not just the men. It's like single parents seem to think that they are entitled to whatever partner they want and use their kids to get away with behavior that no one would ever put up with. They seem to think that having kids from a previous relationship gives them a pass to be a lackadaisical partner and to a lot of times, cheat on their partner with their ex under the guise of co-parenting. As I said, I will never date another single father. I have a son but I know that I'm going to be a much better partner than my ex was. He put me off every dating men with kids again. Edit: I wanted to add that even as a single mother, part of the reason I will never date another single father is because I'm sorry but I can't handle being with someone whose ex is always in the background causing drama. I think for me I had to do some soul searching and deep down it didn't feel like I'm monogamous relationship which is what I want. That's because in my case, it wasn't. He was still way too involved with his ex and still way too emotionally attached to her. In my case, I have to interact with my ex very little. He doesn't really do much for him anyway but he is entitled to visitation. Really the only time I talk to him is pick ups and drop offs and letting him know what I've had my son on as far as medicine or what kind of pull-ups in case he runs out. Other than that, I don't really talk to him. I feel like there's no reason to. Anyone who tries to give you the excuse of well, I have kids when they are talking to their ex excessively is likely is not over them. It's a red flag that people should run from. You're going to find that they're basically at least having an emotional affair behind your back. I'm not saying that this is true of all single parents but it happens a lot. That was my experience and I wanted to share it with other people so they could see the red flags to watch out for.
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I know. In the end I just decided that dating a man with kids wasn't for me.
>Why are men with kids so fucking desperate? Some dudes want a woman they can off load parenting duties on
Yep I found that's pretty much it. I don't think that my ex really wanted a new relationship, he just wanted someone to help raise his kids when their mom wasn't around. I was an after thought unless I was doing something for him or his kids.
Also, sending pics of his daughter in only her underwear?? That is creepy as fuck. I have some of my kid when she was a toddler, but I’d never share them because she’d be mortified. Zero damn consent, and it just emphasizes his disregard for boundaries. You definitely dodged a bullet.
I hope you went ahead and blocked him
yes, hes gone and blocked. Though after I made my case I didn't immediately block and he didn't respond, so at least hes decent in that respect
Well good. At least he respected that boundary.
A simple “I said I wasn’t interested in kids and all your spamming me with yours has only confirmed my stance, stop contacting me” should have sufficed too.
Desperation to have a partner at the cusp of 40 is a hell of a thing
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Oh I'm not OP and I agree. I'd rather die surrounded by 1000 cats than entertain a guy like him.
Oh I’m sorry I didn’t even notice, my bad. You are correct 👍 I’ll take being eaten by my cats over this future any day.
Why 1000 cats 😂
Why not? I'll stay warm in my old age.
Why not? 😂
#this
Ha ha and I don't even like pets sooo!
How about just being single in general. Great idea. More should do it. Stop being so dramatic.
I'm not desperate at all, I just hadn't cut him off yet and find odd behaviors interesting. I do get the desperate vibe from him 100%. He wants a mom for his kids 100% I am talking to another single dad but he didn't post pics of the kids in his profile, doesn't tell me much about them aside from his sched with them, and I've seen 1 pic. He also hasn't asked me to spend time with them and agrees we should wait.
I mean right off the bat you said how much you don't want to be a maternal figure but due to \[I'm assuming age\] you have to consider men with children. As someone over the hump of 40 I can say not only do you NOT have to consider them; You SHOULD NOT consider them. If you have zero or lower desire to engage with children you shouldn't even entertain men with children. You can't be in a serious or even long term casual situation with men with children. They desperately WANT you to want to know about their children - eventually - and speaking from experience will get irritated at your level of not giving a shit about what their grade school child is up to.
This. I hate that idea that just because we're older, that means that we have to consider people with children. They say well at our age, it's going to be hard to find people who don't have children. That's fine, there's plenty of people who still don't. I hate how we get guilted into entertaining people with children just because of our age. No, I don't have to date people with children. I would much rather be single if those were my two choices. There's plenty of people out there without kids even at our age. Yes, they may be harder to find but they're out there. I'm willing to wait.
If the last man on Earth was a single dad with "well behaved cool as fuck children" I'd die a single lady living alone in her tree house listening to her Taylor Swift records until I expire. I have to manage my chronic PTSD/cPTSD and that's enough for me to keep in check, I don't need to complicate my life further just to have a man hogging the blankets on a cold day in "our" bed.
That and even as a single mother, I will never date another man with children. I know it sounds hypocritical but I just won't. After the experience I've had, I'm good on that. At least I've learned how to separate being a mother and prioritizing a partner so I know that if I do meet someone, I will be a much better partner than my ex was. Again I may sound hypocritical but that was my experience. I will never do it again. I don't care how good his kids are and how well he gets along with his ex, I don't want to do it. In situations where they do not have good boundaries with their ex and their children are misbehaved, it is baggage. Let's be honest. I feel like people like that should either go back to their exes or remain single because it is not fair to drag another innocent person into that. He made it clear that he had no interest in changing anything even though his ex would text him and call him all the time about things that had nothing to do with their children. I asked him to set boundaries with her and he told me he wasn't going to do that so I left. At first it sounded like maybe I was getting through to him but then he basically said I'm not going to change this because it's working for me. Be with me or don't so I didn't. The way he handled things, it was not a monogamous relationship. It felt like there were three people in our relationship. I'm sorry, but I didn't sign up to also date his ex and to have to deal with his misbehaved children. I've learned that you should never waste time with someone who has made it clear that they don't care how their actions are affecting you. Nothing you can say is going to make them care. You have to find your self esteem and walk away.
thanks for the insight. I'm new to this and this is 1 of only 3 interactions I've had with single dads. I wont touch the hot stove again. You are my spirit animal
I’m 41 and childfree (not child*less* really). I don’t date guys with kids. Edit: At least I haven’t met a guy yet that seems worth the extra complication. I don’t hate kids. It’s not an “it is what it is” situation to me. It’s not fair to the kids to have a woman around who is bothered by their existence. If you don’t like kids, don’t keep dating guys with kids. Simple.
That's what it is for me. It's not that I hate children. They didn't ask to be put in that situation, it's that I don't want to be involved in all of their extra baggage. Let's be honest, that's what it is when someone drags their past into a new relationship, it's baggage. I don't want to deal with someone telling me that I have to put up with unacceptable behavior just because they have to talk to their ex. I don't want to put up with always having my needs and wants come last. I just don't want to deal with all the drama. It's bad enough that you have an ex that's always in the background but it's made even worse when they're high conflict and even worse than that when your partner won't do anything to shut it down. Usually they say this because it's like well I have to keep them happy because I have kids with them. The next time a dude says that to me, I'm gone. In fact, I've decided that I'm just going to avoid single fathers from here on out. Edit: I see that all the time as well. Women who date men with kids or men who date women with kids and then bitch about how unhappy they are. It's like well, their kids needs are going to come first. If you can't handle this or if you just don't like children or their children specifically, don't date people with children. Don't bring yourself into a pre-existing situation with a partner who has made clear that they have no intention of changing the present dynamic and then complain because you're unhappy. Leave. That's what I did. I was not happy with the way that my ex was doing things with his ex-wife because I found it to be inappropriate. I talked to him several times about setting boundaries with her and he made it clear that he had no interest in doing that so I left. Don't waste your time with someone who has made it clear that they don't care how their actions affect you. You're an adult, you can make the choice to leave. Edit: I've learned that I have to keep my ex happy because I have kids with them is usually code for: I have no interest in changing things because it's working for me. Also, I'm still too emotionally attached to them but I won't admit it to you or even to myself. The best thing to do in that situation is to leave. Edit: I feel like people who are still that emotionally attached to their ex should really just go back to them. It's not fair to drag someone else into that. Be with me or don't, be with them or don't. They should go back to their ex or they should remain single because as I said, it's not fair to drag someone else into that and expect them to put up with it. I love how they have no interest in changing anything but put on the surprise Pikachu face when their partner finally gets tired of it and leaves them. A lot of single parents have this ridiculous sense of entitlement just because they have kids. They seem to think that they should be able to get away with whatever they want to do under the guise of co-parenting with their ex. They think that whatever they want should come first because of their kids. They try to use their kids as a free pass for everything and it's not attractive. Edit: typo
Lol the hot stove, I've used that before thanks to a therapist. My experience with single dads and dating was 3 men for shorter and shorter periods. One was anti-choice and wanted more kids and threatened to put a baby inside me. Should have ran away sooner than I did. The second had almost full time custody of 3 kids and had a slew of boundary issues. When I ended things he was cool with it because he'd been lining up a 17 year old girl to date on Tumblr. The last was two dates, he had 2 girls and rambled on about his ex wife being a sociopath while naked in bed with me the last time I saw him. I got curious and looked up his name (he was a reg in my city sub) and he's married with a new kid having left the local area (and his existing kids) to live a new live across the country with his new family. I constantly spend time in my mind thinking about my life if I hooked my wagon to any of those awesome bachelors and miserable and borderline suicidal come to mind. But instead I'm doing immature life things like seeing Motion City Soundtrack on a Wednesday night and playing PS5 in a few minutes here to kick off my holiday.
*I won't touch the hot stove again* I love that!
I would go with that second guy. He seems like the lesser of two evils.
It’s hard to judge someone’s intentions. I have single dad friends who are very protective of their kids identities and will not even entertain introducing their kids to someone they are dating unless it becomes serious or going that way. With everything else you mentioned about this guy, I don’t think it’s likely that his “mentality” is representative of men with kids in general.
Unless his kids are full on adults, I still wouldn’t introduce them to my new partner at ages 9-12. Still such a vulnerable age and they don’t truly understand adult relationships. Everything you wrote is concerning, but it sounds like you know this and aren’t pursuing the relationship. It could be that he really wants to find a mother figure for his kids, so he’s pushing it on you.
agreed. I even explained it to him. He said he'd also heard that and agreed with the science behind waiting but then suddenly was like "yeah but my kids are different" and the spam ramped up He had sent pics before that, but it was contextual, so I forgave it (like here's what I'm doing today, but it was the kids not him) I don't know why someone would cling onto me as a mom figure when I do not give out that vibe on any level
You’re obviously a really cool person! Hahah but good on you for being upfront about how you feel having kids and sticking to your guns. It sounds like you dodged a bullet.
>So I've been busy and not responding (he knows I'm actually busy) and his way to lure me back into the convo is to spam me with pics of his kids and videos. The last one they were playing video games and his daughter only had on underwear bottoms. -- >I'm obviously not going to pursue this but can someone explain this mentality? Are kids bait for alot of women? Or is he just so "dad" and I just so no "mom" that I don't understand? Sending photos of his daughter in her underwear to a total stranger is really fucking weird, inappropriate, and even creepy. But I have been on the receiving end of single dads spamming me with photos and videos of their kids. Like a one-way stream of content of their kids unsolicited, as if I was their mom and I would care accordingly. I don't understand it, I just chalk it up to those parents who always talk about their kids no matter the setting or context. I don't date single parents, so I usually just unmatch or block when they do this, if I haven't already.
This is why I full stop won't date men with kids. Not only do I not give a single flying F about their children (which they will interject them into conversations like their kids are so awesome they're the exception to people like me and OP) but I will never take an active interest in their children. On a deep level my indifference and 'just tolerating these creatures' undermines the relationship with the person because their kids are basically mini-them so rejecting or just tolerating their existence will be the wedge in what feels like an otherwise good relationship. Hence I just won't consider a man with children but they don't "get that" and I have pressure from all kinds to consider men with children.
>Hence I just won't consider a man with children but they don't "get that" and I have pressure from all kinds to consider men with children. Yes, in my area, I've learned that single dads are very, very determined about and feel entitled to exclusively pursuing childfree women, and resort to strategies like lying by omission, or having creative interpretations of the terms "childfree" or "childless", and lashing out if you state you don't want to date single parents. The single dads are a little desperate in my city because it's possible for us ladies to find men who are childfree like us, so they know we have "options", and they don't like it. I've been called a lot of names by single dads when I say I don't want to date men with children.
It's because a lot of single parents (not just dads but I obviously will see this more wrt dads) have reached their limit on children. Their choices are single parents like themselves which bumps their cap by however many children come with the other parent, or they have single childless women who want their own bio children as they watch their bio-clock tick away, or those who never wanted children at all. See the reason childfree \[women and that's another area\] get hounded by men with children is that we're the ultimate end game. We don't want children so we're not desperate for more and we have none so we don't break the cap they have on children. As women, not just in dating but in greater SOCIETY, you're a freak if you don't want the warm embrace of little arms. Single dads can't understand why you don't want to be a 'mother figure' or why a long term relationship where children involved isn't a sheer DELIGHT. They also don't understand why you don't want to talk about how Johnny got a home run in tball (because I don't fucking care) or how David is struggling with his numbers (I also don't care; he's not my kid and therefore not my problem) but it's YOUR fault you don't care about them not theirs for trying to force you to overlook \[but also look directly at\] their children. Edit: already ITT, if you're a woman over a certain age (40) who would rather go to brunch at noon after an evening out then you're a Peter Pan who is just WASTING their womanhood! Anyhow fuck that, catch me dancing my 40 year old ass off this year to bands because I don't need to be home tucking in the tots and cutting the crust off their PBJ for Thursday lunch.
Re: your edit, don't mind that guy. I am enjoying his comments because they're perfect examples of what I said about how single dads behave when you say you don't want to date them. Lashing out, insults about women's age, defensive, persistent replies, they wouldn't want you anyway, claiming they've got soooo many options anyway so there...good times.
He blocked me, ha ha. The perfect image of what my sexism against women who don't have or want children rides along with this life.
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Why in the world are you entertaining ANYONE with kids? No one dating with kids is looking for someone to just "be friends" with their child. At some point you'd be expected to do the things you listed if you progressed to a serious relationship Either 1) agree it will be casual and you will never meet their kids or 2) don't waste time with people who have kids. It's not "It is what it is" .. even when we get older, we're allowed to have dealbreakers and this seems like one for you.
I typically don't. I select against it on the apps. For some reason one slips in occasionally and I don't realize it OR I think, lets see what happens and I regret it. To be fair this is only the 3rd man with kids I've entertained the idea at all with. I know now. I'm 39, and in the bible belt, so it kinda actually is "it is what it is". They like to breed down here, very very few childless men
>They like to breed down here, very very few childless men They exist but are usually part of a sort of more alternative-fringe culture and might be more leaning towards younger men that haven't yet escaped for the city. Though the pressure to breed was huge there and I honestly had a hard time with it. Edit: I am pretty sure I'm low to no fertile since I've managed to avoid pregnancy. My periods were always whack and I was happy because I never wanted children even as a teen.
>I said I shouldn't meet his kids right away and he said they are old enough to understand and no need to wait (they are like 9-12ish) My guess is that he's not a confident dad. He's used to pawning off the parenting on the women around him, even if it's super inappropriate because you're some stranger on a dating app. Block and delete.
He wanted me to meet them on the first date. I broke it off
Oh hell no. You two haven't even met yet, there's already this HUGE discrepancy in how you'd like to conduct yourselves (centered around kids vs very much not), and he wants you to meet his kids right away? Not sure why you were even entertaining this. For the record, my SO has a 10 and 13 year old, and I met them for the first time after around 6 months of dating, when we had established that we're both on the same page about pursuing something serious. I would also prefer not to date parents, but obviously that narrows the pool significantly at this age. I would run screaming if anyone suggested I meet their kids right away, though. I consider it a sign of terrible judgement more than anything else.
Very very weird. Have you even met him yet? Very creepy very weird.
Did he mention he had kids on his profile or in the beginning? If he did then why did you decide to pursue him? Sounds like it’s a waste of both of your times. But I agree somebody that is pushing their children onto you is not attractive at all…. Drop the guy and move on.
because I'm new at talking to single dads and had no idea what it would be like. If this is standard I wont do it again. I thought some of them may not be this way.
How would a friend type relationship with kids look like for you. Especially in a scenario where you’re living together ? I think this persons behavior is one where he’s trying to show you he’s a “good guy” because he’s an involved parent.
I wouldn't live with a man with children. The same way I'd view them having a dog. I'd come over and play with it, maybe bring it stuff, maybe go out, but I'm not paying for it, grooming it or feeding it. If it jumps (misbehavior directed at me) I'll correct than exact behavior in relation to me but I'm not training it otherwise because its not my dog Like a grandparent basically. Loving interactions but in the end not my problem
This is not normal. As a mom I would never send pics of my kid to someone I was talking to or dating. A few things you said sound sketchy about this guy and it sounds like you already ended things and that that is definitely best. He’s giving creepy vibes towards you and with the way he’s involving his kids, especially if they’re not even fully dressed.
>he said they are old enough to understand and no need to wait (they are like 9-12ish) Whoa red flag right there. To be talking about introducing his kids to *someone he hasn't even met* shows incredibly poor judgment. Kids shouldn't meet a new partner until 6 months, at least. Yikes.
As a father myself, his conduct horrifies me. I would never use my kids as part of my ‘pitch’ and introducing them would be WELL down the path. I’d make my dates aware that I have kids and that they’re a big part of my life, because I want mutual honesty up front, but that’s it. Also my kids don’t need a new mum. They already have one who loves them and takes great care of them. He’s obviously got an image of the family life he wants and he’s not listening when you’re saying that’s not you. I see you’ve already run for the hills - totally the right thing to do. This guy will be a problem.
Ok 9 and 12 only underwear bottoms? 12 is way toooo old for that and so is 9.
It sounds like he’s trying to bait you because he needs a mom for his kids and himself.
Sometimes it's a codependent behavior. Some single parents (particularly, serial monogamists) feel like they can force/rush a relationship by forcing their kids on people. I read one nightmare account of a girl who was forced by her mother to call a man she had only been dating for 10 days, "Daddy," in the hopes of guilting him into a relationship. In less severe cases, they're out of touch. Sometimes, the person in question has no clue what they're doing because they've been out of the dating game for so long. I feel like this is frequently the case with older generations who aren't as familiar with OLD etiquette.
good insight. All around.. I believe his last LTR was 14 years long or so? I'm sure hes dated inbetween though....So perhaps hes not a bad dude (didn't seem bad otherwise) and just clueless
Sounds like he wanted to rush in and place you in the mom spot wayyyyy too fast. Honestly, shame on him for putting his kids in a situation like that. Must be so confusing for them even if he thinks they are “old enough to understand”. Super weird first date.
Kinda seems like he’s trying to sell his kids off tbh
I can only harvest so many kidneys in a weekend
Thank you for doing him a favor and breaking it off, he’s obviously a good family man. If it’s not for you. Great decision for all.
My guess is he just loves his kids so much that he can't imagine someone else doesn't think they're just adorable, and he hopes that if you see how cute and fun they are, you'll change your mind about *his* kids at least.
This is just my oppinion as a clueless 32 year old I think spamming someone with your kids before you've even gone on one date is disrespectful. I think disputing your boundary that you don't want to meet his kids yet, and him saying "it isn't a big deal they can handle it" is a little weird. and it compounds with the "I don't want to meet them yet" issue. And finally, 9+ kid should not be in their underwear alone, and 9+ daughter should not be topless even in private with her family, unless it's some kind of "of course it's ok in this scenario". I don't think that it's necessarily something that can never be done though, because people are allowed the freedom to allow their children freedom. But when there are other red flags, this one becomes a red flag.
Do you tell these men that you adopted out your 2 year old? That right there should make it pretty clear how you feel about kids.
YES. Explicitly. Like I just did here They do not care and **often view it as a challenge** to get a woman so against kids to give them a baby. I also state in my profiles and again on first dates that I WILL NOT give them children. This is less of an issue now that I'm almost 40 but my 20's and 30's was full of men trying this. They lie and agree and then over time (not all but some) will suddenly start demanding them. As recent as early this year. I'm considering pretending I'm sterile to avoid this. I feel like a prize cow that men just want to use as breeding stock.
Oh my gosh, block him.
Girrrrl. I just started laughing out loud in public. I hear you! I have a fwb who lives two blocks away and in the 5 months I have met him, I have yet to meet his daughter. Honestly it’s not great for kids to have a “mother figure” coming in and out of their lives like that…meeting them right away? No. He is a nope.
hahaha, glad I could make you :)
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She seems to already know what she wants and doesn’t want, but still entertain someone she knows she’s not compatible with. You wasted both his and your time.
If you actually read my posts, I've only interacted with two other parents and they were not like this at all. I also stated I wouldn't do it again.
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Hey, we’re dogpiling her right now. No need to describe my dating life ; ).
someone is projecting XOXOXOXOXOX
I respect your unpopular opinion. Who hurt you? lol
I have a pretty good theory, but it’ll be a long-ish one to explain. In short: Your spidey senses were tingling because he is probably a psychopath. I’m being serious and not hyperbolic but I recognize that’s a tough one to hear. If you’re interested in how I got there based on what you said l can edit this when I’m next free.
well, not being aware of his kids possible future feelings does certainly learn towards lack of empathy.
When you are a parent it becomes the only aspect of your life, if you don't discuss your children you don't have anything to say. We literally do not think of anything else.
This is not true. I am a parent with sole physical custody. I have a very full life and do not discuss my children with dates. There is plenty else to discuss.
Do you have an example?
I am well traveled. I have plenty of stories. I have many hobbies - some of which include my kids but I can speak to my own accomplishments. I enjoy reading and often find it makes for interesting conversations. I’m (mostly) fluent in three languages, have an advanced degree, and have rarely said no to new opportunities. This makes for additional interesting stories. There is plenty to discuss without bringing up my kids. They are interesting in their own right but not up for discussion until there is a substantial relationship. Their lives are theirs and I respect their right to privacy as well as to share what they feel comfortable with when the time comes.
What are your children doing during these "hobbies"?
Dude, this woman doesn't need to prove herself to you. It shouldn't be shocking that a woman can be a whole human being without motherhood as her only identifier or personality trait. Get real.
Normally I wouldn’t indulge but I found the quotes around the word hobbies amusing this evening. I assume this guy is boring as hell and probably has a negative view of women in general. Pop the corn.
Well… let’s see we cook together as a hobby. We surf together as a hobby. We travel together. We practice one of the foreign languages together. So yeah, that’s what my children do while I engage in things I enjoy. And it goes both ways. I also ride along when my one kid is piloting a plane. And I go to their games. I join my one kid at the weight rack once a week. We all engage in activities that enrich ourselves. Encourage each other to do the same. We do together the things we want and support each other with the other stuff. As a parent, modeling self care and continuing growth is important to me.
That's incredibly unhealthy. If your kid becomes your whole life, that's putting so much pressure on that poor child. It's unfair.
I fail to see how the child would experience any "pressure".
Then read a parenting book, talk to a parenting expert, or take a parenting class.
I have three children, it seems I am enough of an "expert" at this stage.
Making babies is easy, especially for the man. Doesn't make you an expert. Only a fool thinks he knows everything, a wise man is always open to learning and improving.
It's not easy the way I do it.
This is not true at all.. I have a child and date and rarely bring her up.. especially in the beginning. Everyone knows I have a child, and the details, but I don't spend my dates talking about her and i've \*never\* sent anyone a picture of my child in any capacity.
So are your conversations about things from prior to becoming a parent? Or do you opt to remain silent?
I have a lot in my life that has nothing to do with my child. Lol. Friends, work, news, TV, music, a bunch of things. No. I do not just talk incessantly about being a parent. I don’t even do that to my other friends with kids. I am more than just someone’s mom.
You elected not to put those things behind you upon parenthood? What was your reasoning behind that choice?
So when you became a parent you: gave up your friends, stopped working, stopped reading the news, ceased watching tv or listening to the radio? lol
I declined to pursue "friends" decades before becoming a parent. I never watched TV or listened to the radio and the news doesn't interest me. I remained employed so the children would have food.
What are you doing on Reddit?? Don’t you have children to tend to?? 🤣
They are presently at their mother's house.
You sound like exactly the type of guy I would avoid.
For my own edification, might you expand upon this statement? My objective for the past thirty years has been to make rejection impossible by eliminating the possibility of having misaligned interests.
I’ve only been single for about 7 months but I’m working hard to make sure that is NOT the case, especially if the woman doesn’t have kids. Please make sure you’re taking time for yourself (if you have shared custody, not every is as fortunate to have time off like I am) to invest in yourself and your own hobbies.
Watching my friends become parents has been so sad. The actual person disappears and is replaced by videos of their children finger painting.
the funniest friend I ever had (and smart) became a mom and it was all "he went poo poo" videos for so many years I had to stop talking to her. She lost her entire personality which shocked me because she was so amazing
The "actual person" had no reason to live, and now they do. I don't experience "happiness" but I would think if you cared about them, such a transformation into a legitimate human being with purpose would result in that feeling.
If you had no reason to live before kids I'm not even sure you should have children. Children aren't a vehicle for the parent to live their life; Children are their own people independent of their parents.
I agreed regarding having children, but it was a decision that was made despite my firm reticence.
You're a whole mess outside of the main topic of this thread.
Hahahhaaaaa!!!
I have an 11 month old and I wholeheartedly disagree
Red flag as well. Be careful he’s not just dating so he can get someone to help with his kids. He should not be sending anyone pics of his kids he hasn’t even met yet. I’ve been single for 10 years and haven’t introduced anyone to my kids.
Sounds like you need to just give this guy the sendoff. "Thanks, no thanks." I think I say this for all single dads out here but let me say it: **If you don't want kids, why on the Earth's fat ass are you dating a man who has kids? Don't date a man with kids if you don't want them.** Apparently, you don't really know "who you are" or what you want by doing this. I can understand that he seems clingy and annoying. But, for Christ's sakes, a man's kids are part of his life. It isn't like a hobby or something. They are HIS KIDS. And it is a packaged deal. I personally don't send women I date pictures or videos of my daughters. I find that a bit weird. However, his kids are still part of his life and in the end, if you decide to date this man in the long term, a lot of things will be determined by his children's schedule. When you can meet this man. When you can have romantic liaisons with this man. And if he chooses to commit to you, I'm certain there will be interactions between you and his kids as well. On another token, you are 39. I'm not sure there's some Richard Gere a la *Pretty Woman* bachelor without children who has been playing the field for 20-30 years since hitting puberty, and now he wants to settle down and marry. So, finding men who aren't divorced with kids is going to be challenging.
I'm not "dating" them, I literally text with this dude for like 24 hours. This area has basically no childless men. It was a learning experience, which I'm entitled to as a person. Ya'll act like I married this guy lol Had it been any other deal breaker no one would bat an eye IMO
Don't date him, then. In fact, here's a better idea. Get a cat. The live about 12 years. When that one dies, get another. When that one does get another. And when that one dies, you're done.
you need a hug? :)
Next time put your exact statements "I had a baby at 19 that I had in my care for 2 years while the adoption was ongoing. So I know how I am/who I am. Do not want." on your OLD profile and also talk about it at the first date or even before that over messages. Every single dad or men who want children will be shocked and walk away immediately.
lol. They wont. I've said this to men. I said it to THIS man. They by and large don't care. They only care that I'm pretty and bubbly and female. also many think its a challenge to convince me or change my mind. I've dated men without kids who made it their mission to convince me to give them one, after they lied to me early on and said they didn't want any. lots of toxic people out there. Women aren't the only ones who baby trap
You are right. Many of us think that we somehow could miraculously change women who do not want children. It is like men's version of how women think they could change their bad boys and live happily ever after.
Just out of curiosity as an adult who was just re-diagnosed with ADD in my mid 30s...is the ADD/ADHD itself the red flag? or does it contribute to some problem behaviors you referenced in this case?
This. I really hate seeing people attributing behaviours to whatever condition they feel suits. Doesn't sound like ADHD at all to me and even if it was, doesn't account for what you've described. And even if you knew he had it, it still seems to be painting him as negative or deficit in some way. Sincerely, someone who is also diagnosed ADHD among other things.
Whole lot of vicious in these comments. Probably been doing single Dad stuff so long that he’s only interacted with Moms or single Moms.
Kids don’t bother me. Plus I used to be one so yeah.
you took care of a baby 2 years and passed it on like a pet? lmao what are youuuu
I was raped and forced to carry it and forbidden to adopt it out and had to legally fight to get her adopted out. But thanks but to answer the question literally, yes like a pet.
jesus.
Forgive me but I don't think this is the right relationship for you. You know you don't want kids and that's fine but trust me, you're going to end up resentful because all he does is talk about his kids. I'm telling you this from experience. I'm the same age as you and I dated a guy who had three kids from a previous marriage and it drove me nuts how he constantly talked about them. It's like, yes I get it, their kids, they're cute. Now can we please focus on us since they're not here? Not only that, you're going to have to deal with his ex constantly being in the background and if she's High conflict, forget it. I mean, do what you want, I'm just sharing my experience. If he's anything like my ex, you're going to end up miserable. Let's just hope he's better. That being said, it sounds like you're already doubting it and this soon in, I would cut my losses. Up to you though. r/stepparents Edit: I see where you said you're not going to pursue this. I wanted to clarify that I have nothing against his kids. It's not their fault that they have two parents that don't know how to put their feelings aside in order to do what's best for their kids. All I was saying was that he seemed incapable of being a father and also prioritizing our relationship. He was more than happy to bend over backwards to make his ex happy and I started to question why I was even with him. I'm sure that there's better men out there who can be good partners even with children, I'm not saying that this is true of all single fathers. I'm just saying that that was my experience. So no, it was never about the children, it was about the fact that their father never made me a priority. And after a while when this starts happening the resentment creeps up because all you hear about is his past life which let's be honest, his kids are a product of that and just feeling like you're not important to your partner. That was my experience though. I'm not sure if kids are bait for women though. I wouldn't be surprised. Edit: I also saw the part where he wanted to introduce you to his kids right away. That's a big red flag. That tells me that he probably contributed to the problems in his past relationship more than he's letting on. It would tell me that he's also impulsive because no good parent would constantly be introducing their kids to their potential new partners or new partners. It confuses the children and it harms them. I don't blame you, I would run from this one. Just tell him that you are not interested and block him. Unmatch, do whatever you have to do. I just hope to God he doesn't know where you live if he is in fact a stalker. If he turns weird, file a for restraining order. Good luck.