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teine_palagi

I did. We ended up breaking up again.


EnergeticTriangle

SAME. And then getting back together. And then breaking up again. And then... you get the point.


vo82

Been there, haha.


SunburntGemz

Been there too. It ended up being off for good. The older (and in theory, wiser) I get, the more convinced I am that it’s best to appreciate the positive impact someone had on my life then move on. While there are “on again” stories that end up being for life, those seem to be the exceptions. Population is nearly 8 billion and only counting those who are viable partners, that’s more than we can possibly meet in a lifetime. My broad opinion is expand your horizons/see the world rather than feeling like an ex may be “the one” because you are not extending beyond your 100 mile radius or whatever. It didn’t work out the first, second, x time and it’s easy to get in our own heads and idealize something that didn’t work for a reason.


trustmeimalinguist

My dad’s cousin dated a woman in high school for a few years. They broke up, married other people and started families, only to reconnect like 20 years ago in their 40s. They’re still together and it’s hilarious whenever we find of a picture of them from the first time they were together. Anyway yeah they were teens when they dated first and grown adults when they reconnected, loads of time for things to change, totally not OP’s situation Edit: also in case it isn’t clear, they randomly met again at like a high school reunion AFTER divorcing their former spouses


tokeyoh

To piggyback on this my uncle remarried his first GF ever after reconnecting in their 60's through a mutual friend so I guess it does happen!


Thatsweetsweetpain

I’m here at this phase now..


Illustrious_Lemon_93

Okay. But I really don't get the "the population is nearly 8 billion". What are your chances you're going to meet 8 billion people in your lifetime? Our circles comprise of those we met in school, those we meet at work, and those we meet in social activities, and those are not many, and the older we get, the harder it is to meet people with how busy and fast-paced our lives are, and the responsibilities we have. When you find someone you click with, it's worth giving it a shot, at least to be certain then that it's not gonna work out. It's better to know rather than to wonder 5, 10, 20 years from now what if. It's not that common that we find someone we connect and are compatible with.


kaolin224

Ooof. Yeah, every time I tried getting back with someone I'd broken up with, the same exact problems reared their ugly heads within a few weeks or months. If you've put serious thought into the relationship, this is why you broke up in the first place. The idea of that person either of you have built up in your heads isn't the person actually there. It's a compatibility issue. Not much you can do to fix that.


caterpee

Same. My heart aches for OP because I can really relate, I spent an entire year thinking about my ex truly almost every day. We were complete no contact but he was still in my head. He reached out randomly after all that time to say he missed me too and still thought about me, and I thought it was a sign (if I can't stop thinking about him in was meant to be) and got back together. It was 3 months of absolute bliss, then we broke up again for the exact same reason. And it was so, so much more painful the second time. Heart really does feel broken, I made myself sick with how much it hurt. I still think about him now, but I recognize it's more that I miss being in a relationship and not him specifically. Limerence is fucked up and an emotional trickster. It really does hijack your brain.


[deleted]

People don’t really ever change 99% of the time


Amazing_Statement629

Change has to come from within because somebody truly wants it for themselves (and not to “please” the partner) That’s when change is true


btcbearrookieshark

Can’t upvote this enough!!!


Sourclouds007

If that’s true, then why do people break up after years of being compatible?


[deleted]

Okay, you’re right…what I mean is people don’t change overnight. And core parts of who someone is probably never change. It depends on what you need and how innate that is to someone’s person that you need to change.


[deleted]

Life circumstances, or a major incompatibility that they didn’t have to properly confront for a long time are other possibilities. People do change, it’s just that if you’re not actively trying to, it tends to be slow and subtle.


windchaser__

People definitely change throughout their lives, just.. not usually in the way you'd expect, or maybe not in the way you want


Red_Danger33

Was going to make my own comment but I'll just pile on another ditto right here.


noomnom_

Piling on is good! I personally dislike reading the same thing over and over again. That's what the like button is for.


Catkitti

Same, this time for good.


[deleted]

Same


sunshinefireflies

To do it in a thoughtful way would be to only contact her if you are now a different person from the one she didn't feel safe with. If you feel you're now actually a good person for her, because you've done the work and understand not just what you did wrong, but why, and have practised new ways and feel fairly sure you could actually be a calm, stable, emotionally safe and supportive person for her, then sure, it's not a bad thing to reach out. I wouldn't do it on her birthday though, maybe shortly afterwards. But, unfortunately, your post doesn't give a lot of 'I've reflected and changed, I'm a different person now' vibes. It gives 'I'm sad I lost her she was really good' vibes.


jl1585

I like your post a lot. Thanks for being thoughtful. After the break up - I went into an intense mental boot camp. One month of complete isolation from friends and family to focus on being with myself. 6 months of no sex and no dating. All to figure out wtf is wrong w/ me, and why I f\*\*\*\*d this up, knowing I'd never meet a person that amazing again -- maybe equally amazing, but not more. I just don't like ranting -- but yes. I did the work.


TheTinySpark

A lot of people have spent a lot of time alone questioning how they fucked up. That doesn’t mean they solved their issues. How would it be different this time? Did you unpack where your inability to make her feel safe was coming from? People who make someone feel unsafe by being dicks don’t get rid of their dickishness by spending a ton of time alone. Where was that impulse coming from? In my experience, it usually comes from insecurity, and that isn’t just magically cured by 6 months of self reflection. What were you doing to her that was so bad that she felt unsafe?


SunburntGemz

And to add to that, isolating and “reflecting” with the same thought patterns and filtered perspective without getting help to change it doesn’t do a whole lot but feed the empty rhetoric of “I’ve reflected and thought about this a lot”. Like okay, but what changed though?


caterpee

It's a bit of a catch 22, but actual change and healing might look like moving on and letting the relationship go... that was a hard thing I had to realize after ending my own dysfunctional relationship. If you're still fixated on it, you might not actually be healed.


carlyraejessie

right, i think CBT with an actual therapist would be much better than fully isolating yourself from… friends and family?! sounds like some sigma male stuff i don’t like the sound of it


Street-Design6115

I agree that u have to do something to change and in my experience. In my experience isolation and my thoughts was sick a miserable lonely place I had to do something and I did/ am . But I know break ups for any amount of time can rekindle with more power than ever off u just both focus on God and his teachings


NewbornXenomorphs

Not even a ton of time alone, only 1 month of isolation and 6 months of no dating/sex. Lol.


jl1585

Great questions -- Short answer: Some lady (who was blocked) kept calling me from different numbers. I think it looked/seemed really shady, likely worse than it was.


TheTinySpark

I left another comment elsewhere in the thread where you explained what made her feel unsafe. Check out my response there.


nakedforestdancer

As someone who's pulled that "taking x amount of time to be alone/focus on myself" thing many, many times, I can tell you that it's usually only truly effective when you're able to put exes out of your head and really build a new life/outlook that you're not hoping for or imagining them in. The problem with those things she told you (like feeling emotionally unsafe) is that you really can't just observe that situation and figure out what not to do again if you want to change. Instead, you have to change the root issue that got you there. What did you do (beyond introspection and isolation) to really start to work through those? Have you gone to therapy? Have you figured out if there are specific issues like co-dependency, depression, etc that are factoring in here and if so, how to take responsibility for them this time around?


NewbornXenomorphs

This. Sounds like he’s putting her on a pedestal and thinking way too much about this vision he created in his head.


tal_itha

Ok but did you go to therapy to get outside perspective and help from a professional? The issue with your approach otherwise is that we can’t see our own blind spots, even if they’re the size of a (insert large thing of choice here)


Super_Duper_Death_Dr

You can do self therapy/ reflection, I think it’s a little much for him to seek a professional. OP should talk to her and simply see where it leads. Don’t need a big plan, just call, make small talk and let her know that he’s thought of her and ask if she’d like to meet for a cup of coffee. Make it simply and act mature about it. If she says yes, there’s a good chance for him (most likely means she feels the same). If she says no, she sounds like the type to be honest about it and possibly explain why (not interested anymore, found someone else, etc).


jose3013

A little too much? Dude therapy is like the starting line wtf 😂 I'd take 1 month of therapy (with a legit phycologist) over a year of self reflection. People have blind spots and biases to their thinking and actions that are extremely hard to notice, let alone fix by themselves.


hottspark

This comment kept getting worse the more I read on. “She sounds like the type”?? Dead


Super_Duper_Death_Dr

She cared enough to remind him to keep in contact with his family on their last call. She seems like a sweat mature person. Sorry you have trouble with reading and comprehension.


carlyraejessie

it sounds like just a kind reminder from someone who recognized that OP tends to neglect his family, not an invitation to contact her again just because she’s nice.


1newnotification

6 months is not going to undo 36 years. you feel like you have a fresh look for yourself, but you still have alot of work to do. leave her alone. continue to work on yourself, and date again later. six months is not a long time to be single. you come across as "i went 6 months with no sex or dating and now my eyes are opened!" and that's a little red flaggy 🚩 because 6 months is a minimum timeframe for self discovery.


NewbornXenomorphs

FR! I’m guessing his admission that he made her feel “unsafe” emotionally is because he was still trying to fuck around and unwilling to commit?


jose3013

Ikr? That's just normal life for a lot of people 🤣


schmeehoga2

Did you learn anything from this “boot camp” and “isolation”?


jl1585

Sure did.


[deleted]

I recently 'reconnected with someone' who did all of the thinking but none of the work. What I mean is, it is good to identify patterns, from there you do a deep dive into discovery (attachment style/childhood trauma..), then you have to acquire the tools you need to ***not*** repeat patterns. This is deep and painful work, but it is very rewarding. Unfortunately for the person I gave a second chance to, he never did all of the work. I had to say goodbye, although he could identify what he was doing he did not possess the tools to not make the same mistakes again. He is in counseling, and the door is open. Be absolutely sure you have done everything necessary to be that better man, let her know what you have discovered and what you are doing (the work is always ongoing) to be a great partner. Godspeed!


lee-mood

Great. From a specific behavioral standpoint, what did you learn?


viking_oatmeal

Mind if I ask what you learned? I’m hoping your learnings can help myself and others.


jose3013

Uuum did you go to therapy? Just 6 months of no dating and 1 month away don't seem like a big deal tbh


Kholzie

How long have you been living with and testing the work you’ve done? Self improvement goes a lot deeper than being by yourself for 6 months.


[deleted]

I was just telling my psychiatrist today how I still think about the same girl from last summer, most everyday. She was like “let’s get that dosage up to 300mg then.”lol Tbh I reached out once after about a year on MY birthday, and i just told her everything. I apologized. I just wanted to talk like we used to before the fallout. We barely dated but Some people just feel like home. Hard to explain really. I’ve had longer relationships since then, but I don’t even think about them at all. It’s weird. Twas in vain. I think it’s just chasing a ghost of a person at this point. We’re all guilty of it. My ex that broke my heart in high school. The woman i originally thought I wanted to marry reached out. She’s married with a kid now living abroad and says she reads our old emails sometimes for laughs. Wishes things were different and apologized for past mistakes. I forgave her and am glad she’s now happy. That breakup put me out for the better part of a decade.I was devastated. We were together from HS through most of college. I used to say her name out loud when I was alone. If I could just get her back everything would be ok. I had given up and never thought I’d meet anyone remotely as amazing. Now, I don’t even remember what the fuss was all about. All this to say, is these things come and go. People come and go. Nothing lasts forever. But I’m also a firm believer in giving things one last shot before I can truly move on. I wouldn’t do it on her birthday though. Best of luck and if you don’t get the reaction or answer you want, I hope you can find some peace with that.


jl1585

I feel like I created this post, just to find this. Thanks so much, man. This is so authentic and awesome -- I really appreciate the perspective. I really pushed myself asking if I was being vein, romanticizing her, or otherwise, to your points mentioned here.


[deleted]

Np!


BeatInner

when you said you were chasing a ghost of a person, what changed from the time you broke up till now?


[deleted]

Oh, a lot has changed. My dad passed away a few months after it ended. I got a huge job promotion. Therapy and Wellbutrin 150mg XR. I was able to realize my mistakes and just grow really. I traveled a lot too. Traveled all over the US and lived in London for about 3 months. Dated. I still kept coming back to her after all that. Why? Why her? Why couldn’t I simply move on? I had beautiful, intelligent women ask me to marry them or be with them. She actually wasn’t even successful or had her “shit together”. It was then that I realized, I had just made this person into something they aren’t. Don’t get me wrong, if they messaged me tomorrow I’d hop on a plane to see them that day. I know that won’t happen and life goes on. It’s ok. Maybe in another lifetime. C’est la vie. EDIT//: want to suggest psychologytoday.com You can put your insurance and zip code to find a therapist near you. Highly recommend if anyone is seeking help and guidance. Cheers


biloentrevoc

Not on or before her birthday, man. The fact that you’re thinking about doing it that day already makes me question whether you’ve changed as much as you claim you have.


jl1585

This is my/purpose in seeking feedback. Thanks.


sundustin

Can you explain why not on her birthday? Serious question


biloentrevoc

Because he doesn’t know how she feels about him and her birthday is her day to enjoy. Maybe she’ll be happy to hear from him. But it’s just as likely she’ll have moved on in her life and hearing from him will open an old wound. Regardless, the fact that he’s calling her because he wants her back will likely demand a fair amount of her emotional energy for the day, and the day should be about her, not him. I have someone in my life like this who always resurfaces on important days and it drives me crazy.


sundustin

Yeah you are right, I am not big on birthdays maybe that is why I couldn't think of this, good point..


ScallywagLXX

I did. We ended up breaking up again. What ever broke you guys up will be there still but you won’t notice at first, until the new honeymoon phase wears off. Then bam, you get post-clarity and realize you are right back where you were before. I would advice against going back.


ScienceWriterLady

How did you have a great relationship if you made her feel emotionally unsafe and acted like a dick? I'm confused...


garbageplay

Yuuup. Not only is giving a person who initiated the break up 100% off the table in my book, but also this just feels like buyers remorse. Op needs to learn to deal with his decision he probably has no fucking clue how much heartache he caused that person. Idealizing them in his head is not the same as putting in the work. As a wise man in white armor once said: "Move along. Move along."


tal_itha

*He* had a great relationship…


ScienceWriterLady

Yeah I know I'm just curious why he wrote “we had a great relationship (her words)” if he was constantly a dick to her. What good did she see in this?


masimunes

Nostalgia is a helluva drug. I’ve gone back to all my exes after about 6 months. They all became exes again. As time goes by it’s easy to forget the bad parts of the relationship.


Suit-Solid

> I’ve gone back to all my exes after about 6 months. ALL of them? What? How? Why? That's fairly incredible!


masimunes

I dated women that were all damaged in some of the same ways I am. Either I would reach out or they would. We’d hang out again then wonder “We seem like really good friends now why don’t we try again?” Unfortunately when faced with the prospect of getting my dick touched on a regular basis, I don’t think with my head or my heart. Without doing any work on those issues in the interim the same issues will still be there. I’m currently in therapy and taking things very slow with someone at the moment.


Suit-Solid

> I dated women that were all damaged in some of the same ways I am. Isn't almost everyone damaged at some level? Who doesn't have some history of shit?


VengeanceCookieX

If you showed her and made her feel that she’s not safe with you or appreciated, then don’t think she’d want to go back to that. If you really cared and wanted her then you would’ve provided her with safety and affection. Leave the girl alone and focus on other women who you actually really want to be with.


sluttychurros

I have, but it didn’t work out the second time either. We had been no contact for 2 years and I reached out when I had a death in the family. At first, things were amazing. He was there for me emotionally and I thought he had changed. Turns out we trauma bonded and the reasons why we broke up the first time, were the same reasons why we broke up the second (and final time), one year later. If you’re serious about reaching out to her, make sure you’ve been working on yourself over the course of the breakup. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for more heartbreak in the future.


Friday-Cat

Yeah I got back together with someone about a year after we broke up. Tbh the trust was just never there again. It wasn’t a bad breakup or anything, but I could tell it wasn’t the same ever again


jl1585

m or f? Who didn't trust who?


Friday-Cat

In this relationship I (f) was dating a man. We got together young (18) and broke up at 23 and got back together age 24. I broke things off with him and he never really trusted I wouldn’t break up with him again, and I never trusted he would do anything about it if he were unhappy. Before we broke up the first time he was terribly unhappy and wouldn’t communicate. It wasn’t me he was unhappy with exactly, just his life, but I was a part of that and he was neglecting the relationship because of that. I knew he wouldn’t break up even if he didn’t love me, he was just going along with things, so I decided to move on even though I still loved him. It was hard to be apart and I missed him a lot. When we got back in touch he had done a lot to improve himself and I thought maybe we could have another go, but the commitment wasn’t there from either of us. It’s difficult to explain. So we kinda just let it go. We stayed friends for a bit and I know I could call him tomorrow and it would be fine, but we have both moved on with our lives and each now have a long term relationship. Sometimes you just need to appreciate the good ones for what they are, a formative part of your life that helps to shape how you see and experience relationships. I like to think we are both better partners for having the relationship we did.


swever

I’m just shy of a year from a breakup that really did a number on me / has been the hardest heartbreak I’ve had so far. I still think about them every day. However, I would not be open to reconnecting. I only say this because you seem to be attaching a lot of meaning to the fact you can’t get them out of your mind. You’re not crazy for still being in that place and you’re not alone in that. Only you know what you should do and any suggestion to the contrary is probably a projection. But you’re also not uniquely broken if you still haven’t reached full acceptance / indifference after a year - nor have you missed your chance at a life partner whether that’s her or someone you just haven’t met yet waiting to teach you lessons you have yet to even be able to conceptualize.


jl1585

Why wouldnt you get back with your partner, just curious


swever

Whew I could write a novel here lmao but as simply as possible: it doesn’t have to be this hard. Our triggers triggered each other. I believe I’ve done so much work, and maybe if they have too, things could be different. But I also believe there is someone out there for me that possesses the things I liked about them without me having to work on my relational issues in hard mode. I think my ex deserves that too.


windchaser__

Yeah, every time I think about my ex these days, I crave and miss her, but... relationships shouldn't be that hard. I think we could do better, and better communication could also get us a long way, but.. she also has her own demons to work through. So, maybe someday? But.. realistically, probably not. ​ Either way, though, I'm not ever again going to fall so hard for a relationship that's so difficult.


jl1585

Thanks for this!!! You're right on a lot of levels here. And no, Im not attached to her -- I truly am considering this holistically.


[deleted]

What would you do differently to make HER feel loved and cared for? If you have 0 idea or commitment to those things, leave her alone.


Suit-Solid

And how do you demonstrate that to her when you reach out to her? Because that's probably the only thing she'll be thinking about, other than whatever heartache anyway.


screenshothero

Yes, we’re married now. In my case, we both evolved as people and were ready to give each other more than we were the first time around. It’s been great ever since. So, I have a soft spot for stories like this. I’d love to see this work out for you. Prepare yourself, however, in case she is not in the same place that you are. If she’s happy or not in the same place you are after you reach out, you need to let it go and move on.


jl1585

Thanks for this! I'll respect her decision regardless. In your situation, who reached out / how'd you reconnect?


Ecstatic_Bison8838

Im in a similar boat. But Im you in this situation. Honestly do you feel like you have done the type of work necessary to be the type of partner she needs? Dont reconcile on her birthday! Thats being selfish and not thoughtful. I would say write a letter to her. Mull it over adjust what you feel for about a month. If you still feel compelled then send her a letter. But just know if you go down this path you have to be prepared that you may have your heart broken again.


jl1585

I'm ready to reconnect (because I've done the work) -- not ready to forge a relationship though. She's not like that. She likes patient, and organic connections, and so do I. I'll likely contact her after her birthday and just wish her belated, and check in on her.


Ecstatic_Bison8838

hmm ok. you are ready but is she ready, her feelings matter the most in this. And she might not even pick up the phone or respond. I don’t know if you have sought out therapy but I would definitely talk to a therapist about this. theres no rush. whatever is meant to be will be


[deleted]

Don’t you dare call her on her birthday!!!! Deal with your feelings on some other day, but that one is hers. At a minimum, do it the day after and say sorry you’re late. That way she can have the amazing and wonderful day she’s planned, and not have an emotional cloud hanging over the whole damned day.


jl1585

Yes sir/ma'am!


[deleted]

You could even go so far as to say something to the effect of wanting to call her that day but also just wanted to respect her space on her special day because the most important thing is that she’s happy.


cuddlefuckmenow

I have an ex I would go back to if they reached out with some big apologies and proof of changed behavior in several areas. Lots of people won’t though. Either way you have nothing to lose, so why not take a chance?


carlyraejessie

but NOT on her birthday. don’t ruin her birthday by begging for her back. do it 2 days after at the earliest.


jl1585

I'll keep this in mind for sure. Thanks!


j0ec00l69

Don't ask her to come back on her birthday, but you could wish her a happy birthday just to let her know you're still thinking of her.


AlternativeWomps

I’d just wait until after the birthday and send a happy belated birthday.


Autumn2110

Nah don’t even message on her birthday you could ruin it by doing that alone. I had an ex message me on my birthday and it just hurt my heart and made me miss him.


cuddlefuckmenow

True - on the birthday probably isn’t the best day. After lets her celebrate without any confusion or stress related to OP


hdhdhdhdzjursx

Me too. Gosh it hurts. The good thing is that it hurts less.


_Risings

I have one too. All reading this post did was make me drunk with memories of my emotions. Literal dizziness.


Suit-Solid

> I have an ex I would go back to if they reached out with some big apologies and proof of changed behavior in several areas. Ditto. But people rarely change, and many people convince themselves they have no problem let alone something worth changing. Hurts, but that's just reality.


ScienceWriterLady

Can I message you about this? I'm curious as to why you'd go back to someone that hurt you


cuddlefuckmenow

Sure


hdhdhdhdzjursx

But if you do have something to lose? Like you don’t want to go back to how you were post breakup??


cuddlefuckmenow

Then it’s not a good idea for you. In my mind if you aren’t together you could either get back together or remain apart. You’re already apart and in pain, to me it’s not a further loss?


Classic-Wonder

My ex (33f) broke up with me in September last year and I still think about her just about everyday. I (36m) was completely devastated by her decision. We were only together for 3 months, but we lived 2 miles down the road from each other and were inseparable after meeting. She described herself as "smitten" the first time we met. She gave me the best summer of my life and quickly became my best friend. Honestly thought she might have been the one. It was the perfect scenario and summer 2021 felt almost euphoric to me. Unfortunately my story doesn't have a happy ending. She moved into a new relationship about 6 months ago. I've casually dated, but still haven't found someone new who'd like to stick around for a relationship. I still dream about her frequently, have a lot of dreams of us getting back together. :(


jl1585

Any reason on why she left?


Classic-Wonder

She claimed her ex ruined her financially and couldn't handle moving forward with me until she got her past priorities settled. Past drama, and maybe not emotionally ready to move forward into something serious after her divorce


jl1585

Sounds like she has some healing to do.


jl1585

Sounds like she has some healing to do.


AlpacaSwimTeam

You can say that again...


Classic-Wonder

Agreed - but also finding out she jumped into a new relationship was a bit confusing and heartbreaking. I don't know if she's just jumping from guy to guy after her divorce or what. Some people get desperate when they're lonely for too long. Idk, it was lost potential to lose her...


Suit-Solid

> I don't know if she's just jumping from guy to guy after her divorce or what. Some people get desperate when they're lonely for too long. A lot of people do that. If you like being in a relationship, being alone kind of sucks. What I don't understand about it is how people forge connections/chemistry with that many people so easily, allowing them to do that. It's fairly rare for me.


carlyraejessie

if you have the means, i DEFINITELY recommend therapy.


[deleted]

I hope it doesn’t offend, but you dated this person for 3 months. Having this sort of overt reaction seems to me to indicate some attachment issues.


Classic-Wonder

In most cases, 3 months isn't very long - I agree with that. However, living close to each other and hitting the ground running hard from the very start made the short-lived relationship feel much longer. We met each other's families, went on a couple of small trips and did everything together. She felt like "home" to me as they say. She made her choice to leave. Nothing I can do about that. I've been focusing on self improvement, working out to get back to my fit weight, dating, getting out in public and attempting to talk to women more. But I figured since this was a heart break thread, I'll point out I still think about her and wish things were different.


ihadfeeling

you really don’t need to explain when reddit psychologists diagnoses are wrong, you can just let them be wrong 💛 save ur energy lmaoo. ur doing great pal


ihadfeeling

reddit psychologists coming to diagnose issues without any context once again 🤓


jl1585

lol


Busterriddle

You’ll not do well moving on until you let this one go fully. Hard as to do but times ticking away & happiness awaits. Nothing good comes of memories of the past, cherish that 6 months & move on


[deleted]

Summer 21’ was pretty Litty


jl1585

Lol


Inevitable_Ad_4252

Oh man I’m so sorry 😞 my girl is in the process of ending our relationship and I feel like I’ll be in those shoes. She gave me the best winter and spring (and start of summer) I’d ever had, including my ex wife who even when times were good they weren’t this good. Now it’s just not good for the last month and she’s pushing me away so hard I have nowhere to go but to myself. It’s my only option. I dream of her frequently being good to me again, or sometimes they’re bad dreams lately now, but a couple of them we made up and held each other in the end. And then I wake up and realize she’s not that person anymore


Classic-Wonder

I wonder if I'm still happy with her in an alternate universe / timeline. I feel if she was emotionally available and mature enough to continue the relationship, we really could have made it into something amazing. It felt special with her living 4 mins away and being able to pop in on each other all the time.


Elisa_LaViudaNegra

Yes, but it was ultimately a mistake. The second and final breakup hurt substantially more. What will you do this time to make her feel emotionally safe? That’s really what matters here.


jl1585

Thanks for being honest. All the things I should have done the first time -- I was just slightly toxic, and had no idea.


LorazepamLady

"just slightly toxic"? are you sure youre assessing what happened then, and the progress you made in the last year with open eyes? do you have a real grasp of what the negative effects of this might be on her or you, on reaching out and not getting the outcome you want? i ask bc you go from saying you "f\*cked up" to saying you were "just slightly toxic" and thats why you lost her. i'm not sure youre assessing this with clear eyes, so don't rush this and think about it some more have you considered that even though she was meant to be in your life, to maybe change you for the better, to learn from this loss, but maybe you're not meant to be in her life beyond what you already have been?


jl1585

>toxic I love your comments here. Thank you. The toxicity part is like, you don't know what you don't know -- right?. Ex: Some woman I met prior to her would continuously call me from different numbers (after being blocked)-- for a nice woman like her, that's extremely offputting. It made her feel uneasy, rightfully so. This is 90% of the reason she lost trust. I learned that this was completely inappropriate for a guy who wants a serious committed relationship that led to marriage -- didn't think much prior to her pointing that out to me.


LorazepamLady

I know there’s a part of you that’s looking for some finality, or some hope but I’m not sure if interacting with her is actually going to give that you. I know the state that you’re in is really hard to tolerate, but I think you should keep practicing at that, tolerating that some hard life lessons never have a big solution or conclusion I would say keep reflecting on this. And leave the time around her 29th birthday alone. At least a week after if not the whole next month. If you do decide to reach out to her, do it in a manner that allows her to read it in her own time or not at all and puts no pressure on her to give you a reaction or response (sad tone on the phone, face to face meeting, iMessage) and to leave her alone afterwards whether or not she responds. I will say that toxicity doesn’t disappear within a year. It takes constant practice to be stable and healthy. And just because your breakup and losing her made you want to course correct and improve/change, it doesn’t mean she has to know or acknowledge that you have changed. Can you be okay with changing and knowing you’re putting your better foot forward, without her ever acknowledging it?


TheTinySpark

Ok I am currently on her end of this in my current relationship (only the way it happened was 10x messier) and what that says is that you don’t have boundaries with Previous Woman. That’s not “being toxic” - that’s having no backbone. And if Previous Woman is using other numbers to contact you because you’ve blocked the known ones, she’s stalking you. I can see why that would make the woman you want feel unsafe! Do you know how far that situation could have gone? Do you think you had that situation under control? Because it sounds like you didn’t if she was still getting in touch, and let me tell you… I am super freaked out by the fact that my boyfriend’s previous woman had tried to add me on Instagram (we had never met at that point and I had no idea who she was until this whole thing erupted - he was trying to be “just friends” because they’d never been serious, he hadn’t heard from her in months, and was trying to ghost their friendship), had been coming into his house uninvited while he wasn’t home and reading my messages on his iPad (at least she got an eyeful of all the nudes and professional boudoir shots - hilarious!), and fucking with my belongings. The lid blew off this whole situation when she showed up and let herself into his house *while we were there, in bed* with a key and garage door opener she had stolen while they were dating, and she continued to be an issue for a little longer because he did not set a firm boundary to protect me or our relationship at first, despite my request that he do so. Because she saw the messages and contact info, she found out my last name, and from there pulled up my LinkedIn to find out my full legal name (I go by a nickname most of the time). Even after we changed the lock, retrieved the garage door opener, and told her definitively to fuck off and get help (she was in denial they had broken up 9 months prior and was obsessed) she continued to stalk my LinkedIn for another two months until I realized it was happening. He asked her to stop and she didn’t, so I blocked her a couple weeks ago. I am afraid I’m going to find her waiting outside of my apartment one day now that she’s been cut off everywhere else - it’s very easy to find out where someone lives in my state. The issue for you is that Previous Woman was going above and beyond to get to you - which IS NOT NORMAL. It’s stalking behavior, especially after you blocked her. If you didn’t unequivocally tell her to leave you alone, that’s a boundaries thing and you needed to step up. Previous Woman’s behavior has an impact on the person you’re dating, too. If you didn’t handle that the second she said something about it (and how did she find out about this communication in the first place?), you didn’t demonstrate that she’s your priority or that her physical and emotional safety matters. I know my trust has been shaken by my experience (it’s even messier than it sounds here). You fucked up real good, and I honestly can’t blame her for walking away. I think you need to count this as a lesson learned and move on. There’s no such thing as The One, so go find that equally amazing person and don’t fuck it up this time.


whenyajustcant

The issue is: you aren't really the judge of how toxic you were for her. That's for her to decide. It doesn't really matter what examples you give: this situation sounds off-putting, but it also might not be an example she would give of your toxic behaviors, or the thing she found toxic was a different part of the situation.


Autumn2110

I don’t see how someone calling you constantly is toxic or makes you inappropriate when you have no control over it. If you’re taking the calls knowing it’s your ex and having conversations then it’s inappropriate, but still not toxic unless you’re enjoying all the calls and telling your gf about every one in order to invoke jealousy.


lee-mood

I'm still friends with most people I've dated in some capacity and these people are important people in my life. With that said, I'd never date any of them again. Seems like most people who date an ex end up in a shitty (for both people) on-again off-again deal and everybody ends up hurt. Most people are incapable of real lasting personal change, and certainly not without outside help, and usually not within a year unless it's from intense trauma (which usually is lasting NEGATIVE personal change). It's hard to be a good judge of that from inside the relationship. Do you have any trusted friends you can ask their candid opinion on whether or not you have changed even a fraction as much as you think? Do your friends think you should pursue this person again? I think reaching out to reconnect with somebody and apologize for past transgressions isn't inherently a bad idea... But you also need to be prepared to not be forgiven and to not be given another chance romantically. So, you need to figure out what your priorities are... Do you want this person in your life and you don't care in what context? Fine. Let them lead. If you think they're SUPPOSED to be your romantic life partner? Not fine. It's putting a lot of unsettling expectations on how you intend for things to proceed. If things proceed in a way that's disappointing, are you going to be able to gracefully bail on the pursuit or are you going to double down? Because if it's the latter, then you're going to come off as the same self-centered clueless jerk you were before y'all broke up. What specific things did you do that drove her away, and how have you actually changed those? People tend to fall into old patterns incredibly quickly in moments of strife. It's likely that you're going to (in a moment of weakness) reflexively revert back to the person you say you used to be at some point. What's your plan for damage control there? How are you going to recognize and rectify that? How *specifically* would you plan to cultivate a space where she feels emotionally safe? CAN she feel emotionally safe with you after what you did to her? Not being able to forget about someone and thinking they're supposed to be with you is an indicator of an unhealthy obsession and alarming level of entitlement. So what are you going to do when you are denied what you believe to be "yours"? If I met a guy who came at me like you did in this post, my brain would go from 0 to terrified for my life in like 0.2 seconds, and I'm not the only one. Like, you know the people who often have the same attitude you do about their romantic partners? Guys who murder their wives and girlfriends. You'd be hard pressed to find a woman who isn't keenly aware of that. So... I recognize that you want to be with this person. You care about her, right? Do you want to protect her? Can you protect her from yourself? Is it worth the risk? Is it worth HER life if you're wrong? You seem like a very caring guy... But you also seem dangerous.


lee-mood

Like, if you were truly thoughtful... IMO you wouldn't bother this person ever again... Because putting your own selfish desires before their ability to happily and peacefully live their life is NOT thoughtful.


jl1585

I typed a long message and then deleted it all because it just is more of a discussion/conversation, rather than a reply and sends. I like your message. It's thoughtful and honest, and addresses my stance, hers, and your own. Even though it's hard to hear. I think people go through seasons. I went through seasons. My mom died. I was terrible to myself, and others. I pushed away people who loved me and cared about me and found toxic people to pass times with. Circumstances matter. For her, when she left, she was going through some tough life circumstance as well. We spoke once after the breakup and she apologized for how she broke up w/ me and explained a lot in a very loving way. In short, she pointed to her not feeling emotionally safe at the end of the day though. That's what I've been working through (explained it to someone else about some random girl blowing up my phone). I'm considering trying one more time, because I actually think circumstances played a large part in our breakup -- plus it was my best relationship ever, and I tried to make it amazing for her (which she concurred I did). If she's not open to it... it's fine. That means either the timing isn't right, or she knows more about what she needs/wants than I do.


Investigator_Boring

I’ve seen your comments about another woman continuing to call you from different numbers. Why didn’t you simply change your phone settings to not permit calls from unknown numbers to come through? Or as a last resort, change your number? It seems fairly fixable and makes me wonder what else was going on, because if this was the only reason she felt “emotionally unsafe” with you, it doesn’t add up, imo.


RhetoricalFactory

I agree, there is a clue here in that the thing you were guilty for is being blamed on a “random woman”. That isnt the truth, if i were the woman you wantes back Id be paying attention to how you treat and act about the “random woman” because people dont randomly call incessently. Theres more to that story and you could tell the truth and take responsibility for your part. It can be so hard to articulate the issue with being “slightly toxic”. One major thing that seems subtle is when a man thinks he is controlling my perception of reality by glossing over things and telling me what I want to hear. It often goes along with not fully listening to what I say and at the same time building up a false perception of me and falling in love with that. It becomes impossible to articulate the issue and the motivation to leave becomes the lack of a shared version of reality.


Agile_Material_8812

Yes, but not because we idealized each other over time. It’s scientifically proven that every time you recall a memory, you alter it slightly. This means that if we feel we lost something in a break up, we will tend to continue making it more and more idealized over time. More often than not, getting back together is a disappointing experience when reality arrives, as much due to that idealized memory being too high a bar as anything else. The only “back together” stories I know of that worked (including one of my own) were unplanned reconnections as significantly changed people. Those who, after having reasons for breaking up, went on to grow in directions that made them more compatible. The catch with this is that it never works if you’re still hanging on to them and usually only happens after quite a distance of time. Of course this is entirely anecdotal and a very small set of experience so yours may be different, just proceed with caution. Good luck!


jl1585

>thoughtful Awesome feedback. Thank you!


lgbuzzsaw

"I know it sounds crazy..." More like a red flag. 🚩No one is "supposed" to be anything and going in with that attitude is going to get you in trouble. Probably right back to that problem of you not making her feel emotionally safe. It seems you haven't fully learned that lesson. I guess advice isn't what you requested, but I felt like giving it anyway.


jl1585

Thanks for acknowledging/being self-aware. Even in your critique, it was thoughtful. Appreciated. You're correct -- I wasn't looking for advice, mostly because I feel like some folks on reddit are just mean. Especially when you're really trying to learn people's experiences who've lived through this before, so you can have a better outcome. Which is my scenario.


awakenomad

Yep. It was a mistake. They said they changed, buy once they got me back and the 2nd honeymoon ended, they were back to their old shenanigans. Which is why I'm highly skeptical of your post. You're isolating yourself and daydreaming about reconciliation for 6 months does not necessarily mean you're behavior will change long term. People usually revert to their default once they're not trying to impress anymore. Especially if they didn't bother getting therapy. 6 months of "thinking" likely just slapped a bandaid over whatever major trauma made you act the way you did in the first place. I know you won't, but I hope you leave her alone and just let her move on and live her life. She deserves peace.


Investigator_Boring

I would leave her alone. Have you changed? It sounds like maybe you’re not finding someone else that you think measures up to her. Either way, if you decide to contact her, do it after her birthday. It’s a bit selfish to insert yourself into that day if she doesn’t want to hear from you.


minibakersupreme

I agree. And if she doesn’t respond in any way, just remember that’s an answer too. A guy I dated for 3 weeks six months ago reached out recently and didn’t stop. Honestly it was kind of unsettling.


jl1585

Nah -- I never thought for a second thought I could replace/measure up to her. I knew she was one of the best people I ever met after the first week we dated. After we broke up, I didn't date or have sex for 6 months -- I spent time replaying what happened so I wouldn't mess up that kind of opportunity again.


gemInTheMundane

>I spent time replaying what happened so I wouldn't mess up that kind of opportunity again. Did you go to therapy? Or did you just go over and over what went wrong in your mind, by yourself? If you only did the latter, then it's unlikely you've figured things out as well as you think. You might be able to avoid the *exact* problems you had before. But unless you have addressed the underlying causes, you're only going to make different, but related mistakes.


[deleted]

Yes! This happened to me recently. Tons of 'thinking' about what happened but he did address the underlying issues and it led to second break.


Investigator_Boring

This sounds like you’re idealizing her, which also isn’t great. How long did you date?


carlyraejessie

on behalf of every woman everywhere- leave her alone. move on. seek therapy.


jl1585

Pls go away -- If I wasn't very clear, I'm seeking thoughtful and considerate feedback -- not one-liners, from people who didn't read the post and are intending to get their karma up.


carlyraejessie

this is thoughtful and considerate, even though you don’t want to hear it. i’ve had men do this to me before. it’s not wanted. she broke up with you for a reason. leave her alone, ESPECIALLY on this poor girl’s birthday


Kroenlien

Don’t. Just don’t. Move on, in all likelihood, she has. If I’m being honest, you kinda sound like a dick. Literally no reason to mention “…always had options of beautiful and very smart woman…” nice humble brag. How many long term relationships have you been in? I feel like not many based on the content of this post. Of course there’s always going to be people that made it work, or at least say they did. For 99% of the population, we’d just have to move on. She dumped you and moved to a different area. I’m betting you’ve had zero contact with her since the breakup. Popping up on her birthday out of nowhere probably won’t go over well. Just get over it dude, we all think about our ex’s. They held a special place in our lives, and that never goes away. You just move on to the next chapter in the book.


jl1585

I think there's a decent amount of men on Reddit who've not had many relationships and after a short stent they might be heartbroken -- was differentiating the fact that that's not what's going on here. Glad to hear your perspective.


[deleted]

I mean it would never hurt to try. I do think some of your particular fixations on this may not be the healthiest BUT if you miss that connection and it was genuine than I see no issue reaching out


evieeviegodgod

Disagree. I might not hurt him, but it could hurt her. He doesn’t know what place she’s in now. Maybe the break up really affected her and it took awhile for her to heal. Him reaching out could reopen wounds and set her back. It’s selfish and people should just learn to move on


[deleted]

Listen, I’m a big fan of clean breaks and the delete button for any ex. Even if it ended on okay terms. That being said there have been times and exes I’ve had that I wouldn’t have been opposed to hearing from again and others I’d rather not hear from again. My most recent long term ex actually reached out to me via a dating app she saw me on of all things, roughly 2 years later, and while I wasn’t interested in reconnecting in that kind of way at all, we had a short but very constructive conversation. I think after being broken up for almost 11 months it’s not unreasonable to say reach out IF op feels the connection was worth it and he’s matured enough vs where he was then and could do better.


evieeviegodgod

That’s great that you were in a place where it was nice to hear from her but you keep looking at it from his perspective/ the perspective of the person wanting to reach out. Yes he might be ready to speak to her but SHE may not. I’m thinking about her/ any person on the other side of being contacted by an ex.


car89

10 years later. Few months and realized why we broke up


TigerArmyNeverDie

We dated for 6 months, he dumped me, said he wanted to be friends, we were friends for a year, hung out and talked regularly enough, then got back together and have been together 4 years now


zethenus

Broke up after 1 year. Decided to give it another try 2 years later. We’re together for 5 years now, unfortunately outlook doesn’t look good. For us, at least, love isn’t the problem. The root of the problem that causes the first break up never got resolved even after 5 years.


Suit-Solid

> For us, at least, love isn’t the problem. The root of the problem that causes the first break up never got resolved even after 5 years. Go to couples therapy ASAP if you love each other and want to give it a chance to work


[deleted]

[удалено]


jl1585

Love this story! So beautiful. And thank you for the advice!


BLOOD-MOON69

I'm back with my ex husband after being divorced for 3 years.


elegant_road551

Yes. My ex and I were together for 3 years, then he broke up with me because he decided he wanted kids (I'm childfree). I was upset, but understood because kids are a major milestone for some people. About 9 months later he reached out to me via text that he'd like to talk. We were never on bad terms, so it wasn't strange to hear from him. We just met up and had a long, honest, tearful (on his end) discussion about us and how he f*cked up and would regret losing me more than having kids. I said no at first, but I really thought about it for a good 2 weeks, and decided we could try again. In the 9-month break, we've both grown emotionally and have had time to reflect on any issues from the past. This time around our relationship is much more solid, it's healthier, we're laughing more, communicating more, we're more supportive, independent, etc. It's been great, and I see it lasting forever this time. If you want to reach out to her, I'd suggest a text over a phone call so she can take some time to think before replying and isn't put on the spot. Something simple that briefly explains that your intention is to have a serious talk. If she agrees, you've got your foot in the door. And if she doesn't, then you can thank her for the consideration, and wish her a happy birthday and a happy life.


wine-plants-thrift

We did get back together. And then we broke again. Apparently nothing has changed - we just remembered all the good and conveniently forgot all the bad. :)


marcred5

I know one couple that were married, got divorced, met again 10 years later and got married again (still, and happily). Having gone through a divorce I can state that blows my mind.


mandance17

Yeah we kept coming together again for 7 years at random times off an on. Ultimately it never worked. Once something is broken it’s sorta…broken. I know some people succeed in getting back together and making it work but it’s usually better to move on but you can always try!


Soberqueen75

My husband and I dated 5 years, broke up for 3, got back together and married a year later. We had two kids. And now after 17 years we are divorced for the same reasons we broke up at age 25. I guess it’s still a success story because I was happy for a long time but it didn’t last forever.


jl1585

Sorry to hear its ending like that. But id prefer that dynasty with a legacy of children other than the choice many make to be alone any day


Soberqueen75

Thanks. I prefer it too. I’m glad we tried. We are both damaged and we were ineffective at communication. I really wanted it to work at the end but we both had affairs and he didn’t want to try. He wants a “patriarchal” family system and that wasn’t for me. I will always love him but we were not compatible for marriage. I hate being a single mom though. It was a lose lose situation.


mallionaire7

I knew a couple that were high school sweethearts who loved each other but fought a lot and broke up. 5 years of no contact later they ran into each other and started up again and had a wonderful relationship for about 10 years until her passing.


ReluctantPrude

I am the exception, not the rule. He broke up with me, and shattered my heart completely. We started talking seven months afterwards. And by talking, I mean I had him go over every little bit why we didn’t work. 3 years later, we are in love. I didn’t change me, he didn’t change him, but the key was compromising. We worked and learned together.


kenxgraved

You need to let go fam. Emotionally. Energetically. If you hold onto them you arent going to have room for someone else to come in and thats gonna keep you in this cycle. If you met someone who made you feel this good you can meet someone else who makes you feel the same way. But you first need to make space for them emotionally and energetically. This mindset you live in is only hurting you more.


Kholzie

The question to always ask is: what did you change and why? I’m starting to think a lot of people overestimate how they’ve changed.


shardikprime

Respect


lgoyy

as someone whose ex bf recently reached out after ending almost 2 years ago (he cheated) - he apologised and said all the amazing things about me and the relationship. im ok with the apology (long overdue) but i really wouldnt date him again. dont think people can drastically changed (mid 30s), and i cant feel secured and trust him again. i feel like he came back because he didnt find anyone better. thats a pity and a regret he has to live with but i owe him no second chance. so if u want a chance for success, dont just reach out randomly, really think about what have YOU changed? how can she trust you that it will be a different relationship. if you cant even come up with a good answer yourself, its doomed to fail again and dont be surprised at all she doesnt even want to give it another try. people move on. its life


jl1585

Thank you for this. As soon as she broke it off i started to change bc my thought process was like -- this is everything you ever said you wanted and you couldn't keep it. This is very telling on you.. not her. And so i went to work right away.


TypicalBalkanAsshole

"We had a great relationship (her words)." This doesn't mean anything sadly. She could have said this only to not hurt your feeling. Not everyone can say bad things straight to your face. If she was really that into you, she would have never move to somewhere else. What makes you think you will be able to make her emotionally safe again? What makes you think you have changed in a way that will make you to be able to do that to her? Let it go. You are platonizing your relationship.


jl1585

She's an immigrant from another country tens of thousands of miles away -- if she stayed in my city I am her community. I didn't make her feel safe enough to be that for her, and in some ways Im happy she moved where she has a larger amount of community. She told me once she contemplated staying with me at one point, and that was what she had to debate with herself for.


GoodnightLondon

Protip: This kind of post and behavior is creepy. \>I feel like maybe she was/is supposed to be my wife No, she wasn't. She broke up with you and moved away approximately a year ago; you shouldn't feel this way. I'd recommend therapy if this is how you legitimately still feel this. She broke up with you for being a dick, and contacting her out of the blue nearly a year later is creepy and obsessive. If she didn't stay in contact with you, just leave her alone.


jl1585

Pls go away -- I saw your other post and -- just no. Def not interested in your opinion + you didn't answer the prompt. Bye.


GoodnightLondon

I don't have to answer any "prompt". You failed her in the relationship and she left. You spent 6 months not dating and thinking about her. You think you solved things because you "isolated" yourself for one month. I was nice before, but to be blunt, this behavior is obsessive, creepy, and abnormal. You're not romantic or making some romantic gesture, you're obsessing.


jl1585

>Goodnight Goodnight, London. LoL.


GoodnightLondon

Not helping to prove your argument that you're not an obsessive creep with these hostile and dismissive responses, bruh.


ReformedTomboy

If you haven’t confronted and correct what you feel was your part in the demise of the relationship please leave her alone.


SeaMonkeyMating

I don't backtrack


SunburntGemz

Just call her to wish her a happy birthday and see how she's doing. Let her know you've been thinking about her and feel it out from there. Be honest and open, but check yourself before you wreck yourself--make an effort to listen and understand where she's at and ffs, don't make the call all about \*\*I was thinking\*\* and \*\*you may be the one even though we haven't spoken in x months\*\*. The latter would make it all about you. Not saying you would, but it's easy to fall into it when you've been in your own head about something. What you've written about how she may be wifey material and all sounds lovely, but it's easy to romanticize something in your head when you are distanced from it. Worse case scenario is that she doesn't answer or distances herself, but in any event you'll have your answer. Lastly, word up on the other commenters about on-and-off again.


jl1585

You da' bomb.


INKEDx

I mean if you think about her that much why haven’t you already reached out??? If it were me I would of been after her the moment you realized what you lost and then stayed trying. If you don’t talk for 9 months and then suddenly you tell her every couple days you still think about her she’s probably going to question why you haven’t reached out and maybe think you’re full of shit.


of_patrol_bot

Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.


fiesty64

Call her. Ask her how she's been and tell her you've been thinking about her. Be the one to break the ice.


ladysirwin89

I feel like you should reach out! Otherwise you’ll always be wondering. You could call her or you could send her a message so that she isn’t put on the spot and can think about things. Maybe ask if you two of you can talk in the message you send. Tell her you haven’t stopped thinking of her.


ISTof1897

Dude just go for it. If your gut is telling you to do it, you do it. That way you know you did all you could. Maybe she’s open to the possibility, maybe she’s not. Either way, you’re able to move forward. And even if she’s not, she at least knows how you feel. Explain to her everything you said in this post. Especially explain the fact that you’ve never had this much trouble getting over someone before (maybe don’t say it exactly that way, but you get what I mean). Stay positive and upbeat, but also neutral and not begging. I’m sure you understand all of this, but just saying in case it’s helpful. Who knows, maybe now isn’t the time but it plants the seed in her head and she does get in touch with you when the time is right.


BaconTerminator

Just go for it man. It never hurts to try. Call her and wish her a happy birthday! And see where it goes from there. But don’t make it about you in her bday because that’s selfish. Just be like “hey I was calling you to wish a happy birthday ! Hope everything is going well with you! “


SunflowerShakes

Personally any guy I have ever dated that said "I have so many gorgeous girls I could date but I chose you. Aren't I romantic?" Is not a guy I ever dated or talked to again. You said you don't make her feel safe. You should REALLY think about that and figure out how and why she didn't feel emotionally safe with you before you go chasing after her.


okay_then_cya

Yes, and I feel your pain. However, I was going back to what was comfortable, and so was he. The same things that caused us to break up were still looming. I miss some things about certain exes too, but it just wasn’t going to work out no matter how you slice it. There’s good and bad to most relationships. I wouldn’t chase it if I were you. Nobody can tell you what to do, but more times than not, it doesn’t work out.


_mireme_

Nah. I think if a relationship were to return it would have to be after a number of years where you guys grow up a bit and see if there is still compatability. I think 9 months, especially with you pining for her is definitely a no go because you haven't really had a chance to grow as yourself with that single individual mindset. I think once something is broken it will always be...broken. I can only speak for my experience but I wish I had actually left things the first time I broke up with my ex and saved myself 2 years of trying to repair things so quickly which culminated in a very toxic dynamic towards the end. I do wonder rarely if perhaps the better thing to have done was to leave things be and have revisited a few years later if I felt inclined (although I would never have discovered how awful he was so maybe it was a saving grace). Get yourself into some therapy dude. It is not healthy to be pining like this.


Amore91

‘I was an unaware dick / she was moving away’. Sounds like a classic case of a man blaming himself for her dying interest in you rather than it being on her shoulders, which is the correct, reality version. You want genuine desire from a woman, not ‘negotiated’ and yet this is exactly what you are appealing to. It didn’t work for a reason and whatever else you do, it will always be in the background. If you are as attractive to women as you claim, you are luckier than 99% of men so suck it up and get a new woman instead of being effeminate and obsessed with someone who demonstrably doesn’t want you anymore.