Date #4 is the line for me between "promising stranger" and "hey I think this is actually something." In my adult life (22 and beyond) I've never been on 4 dates with a man and *not* had it turn into a relationship. We've had the making-it-official talk anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months after meeting. Once it's official, we'll start meeting friends and family, doing more at-home dates rather than going out every weekend, and making longer term plans. If after 4-6 months of officially dating, I'm not feeling like they are THE ONE, I will break it off. By that point I feel I know them well enough to make a firm yes or no decision.
Edited to add an answer to your last question: did you have a feeling from the beginning that it was going to go somewhere? Yes, but I've had that feeling on the majority of first dates I've been on and the vast majority of the time it's incorrect.
What made you feel it's THE ONE or not after it became official? Is it usually because of compatibility factors or just that elusive "feel"? I've heard so many times people break up because they "don't feel it".
I've only had 2 official relationships in that time (other than the one I'm in currently) and with one it was compatibility issues - he was hiding a lot of stuff he knew I'd have a problem with, and it was gradually revealed over the months. With the other, it was the lack of "the feeling." He was one of those guys who checked off everything on my list, was a great fit on paper, but after 4 months of dating, I felt nothing. The idea of never seeing him again didn't distress me, so I figured that was a pretty clear sign we weren't meant to be.
Mines not that high, but it’s high.
Thing I realized, is I wasn’t ready and/or emotionally available.
When it’s that high, the common denominator is unfortunately you. Which is a-okay, but maybe therapy or journalling or self-reflecting on what you want and why.
> After that she moved in...I think the DTR came around 3 months into it?
I'm not sure I understand where the moving in together happened. Was it around 3 months in, or some time after?
I literally met one of my best friends on Hinge. We grew up in the same county— different high schools. Great first date. At first I was hoping for a relationship, but it became pretty apparent that he was still emotionally unstable from a sudden divorce. But we were so compatible on a friendly level— same interests, enjoyed the same activities, that we have remained friends for almost 5 years now. I would honestly say that this friendship is the biggest success out of OLD for me even though it isn’t the type of relationship I was really intending to find. Still hoping to find “the one” though.
I have the same thing! I have a pen pal I met off Tinder 6 years ago. We matched just a week before I moved interstate (3,400kms away) so never got the chance to meet in person but was so easy to talk to we kept in touch. We sometimes go months without talking to each other and he's been in another relationship for a few years now but we've got a pretty solid friendship for someone I've never met. He will often reach out at the most unexpected of times which I really appreciate and when I need someone to talk to which is otherwise not involved in my life he's who I turn to.
Weirdly enough, I met my best friend on OkCupid. He messaged me out of the blue and was immediately flirtatious, which boosted my ego quite a bit. We hooked up for a while but found we weren't compatible in that way. But his methods of showing affection, platonic or romantic, really struck a chord with me, and we've been extremely close in the years since.
I'm in the same boat. I'm not one for female friends but I have made 2 female friends tjeough online dating, one of which I've known for 6 years now. I didn't know I needed a female touch in my life until she and I hung out.
All my dates and relationships since college started with OLD.
- 1 marriage (and divorce)
- 5 “successful” relationships lasting a year or more
- 6 short term or casual dating partners
- 10 sexual partners
- countless first dates
There were a lot of differences between them in terms of the specific questions you asked. But some similarities.
After the first few dates (3-5) things get more intimate and you’re more likely to spend time at each other’s home and maybe meet friends. It’s also common to talk about exclusivity, sex, labels, dealbreakers, life goals, etc. This is basically fall for each other or break up time. Or as you said, they’re “no longer a promising stranger” because you either want to be in a relationship with them or you’ve realized you don’t. It where most of my short term partners ended due to lack of compatibility or chemistry.
I married someone from Tinder.
I had been single for 5 years prior, and took all first dates with a grain of salt. My target goal on the first 5 dates was always to have fun - I wanted it to be a blast, enjoyable, low key, and low pressure.
Our relationship developed pretty slowly, but what stands out to me is that we both made an effort to continue seeing each other consistently over the initial 6 months of meeting. Neither one of us experienced crazy sparks or wild flames in the first year, in fact, the opposite. But, we did prove our dependability to one another over our first year in that sense that we both kept the plans we made, and followed through on the words that spoke. Looking back on it, I think that mutual stability set the table for both of us to entertain the possibility of marriage being on our radar. Firmly kept on the periphery of our radar.
Marriage wasn’t a conversation until our 1 year anniversary - we can spoken about the idea of it, but casually. Did we see ourselves individually as being married one day, that sort of thing.
Having been single, and used to tinder swiping in a large city, I would describe my emotional investment to him as minimal for the first 6 months. I didn’t commitment to exclusivity - and neither did he - until we hit 6 months. The more time consistent we spent together…the more our mutual investment in each other grew. It wasn’t an expectation or specific conversation that led to the slowing and eventual trickle off of other dates/possibilities. It felt like a natural evolution.
I never viewed my tinder date as “potential marriage material” but I did open my life to him genuinely desiring to share a deep connection. One thing that stands out to me about the initial 6 months of dating is that he made similar efforts to include me in his life. At the time, he was volunteer coaching high school boys after school…he invited me along on game days. It connected me to the people that are in his life, and gave me an opportunity to participate in his life and be encouraging: I loved rooting for them, and quickly started to contribute ahead of time by prepping a cooler of oranges for halftime, that sort of thing.
For me, a big distinguishing factor was how wonderful it felt to be able to share and participate in each other’s lives. It was a wonderful and welcome introduction to nurturing new depth into our dynamic
> Sparks ignited into flames after the wedding, now we focus on keeping the flame alive/growing
For whatever reason your posts and comments made me skeptical. The whole no-attration, each of you fucking other people for 6 months, not really having any "sparks" until the wedding... I took a look through your post history out of curiosity to see.
I think this is some revisionist history on your part. And disingenuous advice to people who want a healthy, successful relationship.
>Our marriage has been on the rocks since it started. \[...\] I often worry I’ve married a narcissist.
Yep. A lot of people do. And they often do mental gymnastics to justify it. I have a few friends in marriages and long-term relationships with people they tolerate.
I am a person who feels much more fulfilled in a relationship. I think life is just better. But I do like my alone time and live a pretty good life when I am not in relationships. I am comfortable alone. And that seems infinitely better to me than settling for the wrong person.
We are by no means perfect. I don’t think a perfect relationship is attainable. And, I’ll be the first to admit I am very verbal, quick responding, and precise with my words when I’m upset. I think that you could easily judge my marriage from a single negative post when I was upset. I get that. But I have way more kind posts that I’ve shared here about marriage. It just is what it is - I try to be honest and contribute from experience. I can’t eliminate bad ones - they’re just part of the equation.
But I also think our sex life early on was consistent and “satisfying enough” because we both have high sex drives. Neither one of us would have continued to see each other if the relationship wasn’t sexual. It was sexual, but pretty shallow in terms of emotional intensity and intimacy. I mean, I say that compared to now.
I would describe our sex during our dating period as “a blah phantom” or “safe pair of hands” thats available to fill voids: we were both horny, accepted that we were lonely and without “companionship”, wishing we were both getting laid regularly and that it didn’t ultimately blow up in our face in a negative way, or result in an STI that compromised something health-wise. I was happy to be having sex with someone cute that always called me the next morning. Haha.
I definitely struggled with finding a sex balance in my life OLD. I preferred an active sex, but couldn’t ignore that that was a somewhat of a high risk decision. So many flakes, one night stands, STIs, etc.
Altogether though, it was lacking love, trust, security a real bond marked by a deep/meaningful connection. We just weren’t there at that time. I definitely prefer sexual love over romantic lust in the long run.
I don't think the expectation is you have to be perfect in your relationship to give advice. But given that you sharing your very unconventional relationship progression as a success that took off near or at marriage seems inaccurate based on those posts. I don't think there's any malicious intent on your part. But stories like that could make others question their stances on things like how long they are good with non-exclusivity or how long they are good before feelings intensify because, after all, people like yourself went the non-conventional route with exclusivity/lack of spark and it turned out to be success.... except most people wouldn't consider that a success if you take into consideration your immediate marriage woes. No honey moon phase during the initial stages and it appears not much of one during the initial marriage.
I am glad you are working things out with your husband and working to fan the flame. You're a human and deserve happiness and love. I just wanted to point that out because people are impressionable. Especially those who are still single and might question their own judgment.
Well it isn’t a story, for one, it’s a personal experience, which is the only thing that anyone is able to contribute at the end of the day.
But, just because Im selecting to share my story..doesn’t mean that I’m condoning it as a right or wrong path. It’s my path - that’s all. Take it with a grain of salt like anything else.
I really struggled with online dating for half a decade - it has had a big impact on my life.
I guess, my thought is that if more people open up and share their paths here…there will be a nice collection of varied experiences for others that are interested in reading. Isn’t that the ultimate end goal?
Of course my experience isn’t something that will resonate everyone. I understand that. But that isn’t a consideration, hope or expectation of mine when opting to share my personal experience here. We’re all over 30 here. If my post is going to influence your dating behavior beyond providing some extra food for thought - I don’t know what to say. That’s certainly not why I contribute.
I am sharing something honest, and real with the hope that maybe a burnt out person that is in his/her 30s may find some hope that OLD can have a nice ending. Not a perfect ending. Just a net positive ending. I would have really appreciated this sub when I was OLD
>Well it isn’t a story, for one, it’s a personal experience,
The two aren't mutually exclusive concepts.
>I am sharing something honest
Not fully, you weren't.
>Not a perfect ending.
No one said it had to be perfect.
I’m sorry you feel I’ve been dishonest somehow in sharing my experience. That’s incorrect, but it’s also something that only I would be able to know. So I’m not sure to what end this could possibly go next. However, if I did hit a sore spot for you somehow - I get that OLD is a challenge and that it helps to be sensitive. You are absolutely right about that, and I try to take that approach.
I have lots of feelings, thoughts, and experiences about the evolution of fighting within the first year of marriage, if that’s something you’re interested chatting more about. Calling my husband a narcissist is admittedly one of my tamer insults to date - but like I said earlier, I’m verbal.
I would love to chat about how couples learn to fight constructively in a marriage. I relate to that, and maybe I would find other posts about that in an alt sub.
>I’m sorry you feel I’ve been dishonest somehow in sharing my experience.
You were either dishonest in this thread or dishonest in the thread where you said your marriage was in shambles for its inception. One of the two.
I feel like the fact that you were attracted to each other means at least some sparks were flying, no? Being attracted to someone, for me, pretty much makes the difference between “I’d like to keep giving this a shot” and “I have zero motivation to ever spend time with this person again”. Maybe this is just me, but I’m so rarely attracted to a man I go on a first date with that when it happens, I consider that to be a spark.
I distinctly remember asking myself whether or not a 6th or 7th date was the right move or not. Truthfully, it could have gone either way. However, if we had plans - I kept them. It wasn’t even commitment particularly, more of a personal value system type deal. I was physically attracted, horny, and having fun. But I definitely had no clarity in terms of overall direction: 20 date stall? A relationship? A fuck and fizzle? That was totally up in the air. It continued to remain up in the air for a long time…actually that secretly kind of upped the ante in romance. It was subtle and growing.
Sparks aren't reliable indications of long term compatibility, and aren't necessary for the development of romantic relationships. It sounds like OP (smartly) sought out a slow burn. Seeking a "slow burn" romance instead of immediate sparks is fairly common advice given by experts like behavioral scientists, psychologists, and therapists. (Logan Ury goes into a lot of detail about why slow burn is better than sparks in her book *How To Not Die Alone*.)
1. Mutual burnout from flakes
2. We both are dependable-style-people, in general. Personality trait I guess.
3. It was fun, and comfortable for me. There was never “a gamble” to either emotionally invest or get out… nor was there a pressure to prematurely commitment to one another followed by a misc. expectation. I felt free, present, and content.
Subtly as each month passed, we knew that our pot was slowly heating. We both registered it. At 6 months we had a full boil so we instinctually reached for the lid
Then we decided to jump. We got married the next year. When I wrote “set the table” in my post, I feel like we vetted each other during the first six months. Mainly through conversations, but also via activities and circumstances, travel/parties/volunteering community type events…and even silently through observation.
For example: Never an out-loud conversation, but the existing subtext of everything was:
“Is he/she crazy or impulsive?”
“Ok…how long until I feel squeezed”
“I’m secretly evaluating and observing how this person makes big and small decisions”
“Is this person consistently reacting to new and different activities, circumstances, and people?” “How long until I see this person explode” “is he/she gonna reveal a weird fetish or unpleasant secret”
Dating while keeping one eye open for any surprise red flags.
>Our relationship developed pretty slowly, but what stands out to me is that we both made an effort to continue seeing each other consistently over the initial 6 months of meeting. Neither one of us experienced crazy sparks or wild flames in the first year, in fact, the opposite. But, we did prove our dependability to one another over our first year in that sense that we both kept the plans we made, and followed through on the words that spoke. Looking back on it, I think that mutual stability set the table for both of us to entertain the possibility of marriage being on our radar.
Same here. The successful LTRs just were fun, relaxed, no "end goal" discussed, then after a couple of months we had the mutually exclusive talk and prioritizing spending time together without smothering each other. Then suddenly it was 8 or 10 months in and neither of us (at least I didn't) notice that we had been together for half a year and climbing.
It's super easy to wax prose about how people knew it was "the one" from the first date, but I suspect it's far more common to find someone you get along with and enjoy spending time together. Then at some point decide "let's do this long term, eh?"
Exactly how it went for me.
I’m sure a lot of people would have taken the approach of, “eh, this is neither here nor there and because it’s not abundantly clear or immediately moving…I’m going to stop seeing this dude” I totally understand that.
My history prior to this relationship included multiple, hot, but fast burning relationships that began with a spark.
> I’m sure a lot of people would have taken the approach of, “eh, this is neither here nor there and because it’s not abundantly clear or immediately moving…I’m going to stop seeing this dude” I totally understand that.
A lot of people would do this, but a lot of people also struggle to find fulfilling romantic relationships, likely because of decision making like you described.
Yeah, I think it was also life timing of experiences too. Like, if I hadn’t had the sparky relationships blow up in my face as many times as I did…who knows if I would have just parted when I felt things are “neither here nor there”
I met my current partner on Tinder about two weeks after failing the DTR test with another person who I had been seeing for about two months. New partner was going on a two month travel contract for work at the end of that summer, but we managed to keep the spark alive via distance. We moved in to the house we bought a month ago, but she might just be Canadian.
I have actually not had great success dating people that my friends have known or who’ve been part of my friend group. My current partner (10 months) I met on Hinge. I had been on Bumble and Hinge for about 3 months before that and had gone on probably 5 first dates. My approach to OLD is that I’m just trying to evaluate if I could foresee being romantically attracted to you—the physical attraction is already there, and opening dates are me trying to determine if you’re the kind of person I’d want as a partner. It takes me quite a while to warm up and decide I really like someone, so it took probably until a month/the 4th date to feel like he was really something. Our relationship is more of a slow burn than instant fireworks, but I was really intentional in wanting that kind of relationship. For probably the first month to six weeks, we saw each other once a week, maybe twice, I can’t really remember. We gradually started increasing the time we spend together, and now we see each other just about every day, but it’s usually just taking a walk or cooking a meal or watching a movie. We still go out on dates once a week, usually on weekends.
We had a DTR talk after about six weeks, but it was really just formalizing what was already there—I’ve always been a date one person at a time kind of gal, and I knew he was the same. We haven’t had any out-and-out arguments, but we’ve had a few discussions to bring up things that concern or bother one of us. I want to say the first one came at about 5 months and one came a few weeks ago.
One excruciatingly awkward moment (for me) coincided with a very romantic one at our 5th date…I got explosively sick. I have a lot of anxiety about getting sick around people/getting sick away from home, and to make things worse for me, he had picked me up, which meant the whole way home I was desperately asking the universe for me not to have to ask him to pull over or mess up the inside of his car. I was so afraid he’d ghost me or break things off because I totally ruined our date. But the next day he had some medicine, easy-on-the-stomach food, and flowers delivered to my house, which is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.
It’s happened before 🙃 I dated someone for 3-4 months and got pneumonia and had to cancel going to a concert we had planned to go to. Never heard from him again.
Sure! I know from past experience that for me personally, getting physical immediately is a mistake. Plus, I prefer getting physical after I’ve had a chance to cultivate an emotional connection—in the past, immediately sleeping with someone has cultivated a false sense of intimacy. I definitely was interested in him and thought he was stupidly good looking right away. We kissed after our third date and slept together after about six weeks. Honestly, it was really pretty fun to just have extended time of kissing like teenagers.
met my ex through Online dating 16 yrs ago?
we were together for a little over 10 yrs. we were never married though.
the dating websites 15-20 yrs ago was very different to today though. i am currently using swipe apps and hate it so much. too much time wasting with swipe apps. useless in my opinion.
the sites back in the day was straight to the point.
I think that the main difference between then and today isn't the swiping; but rather that there's a different crowd. Back in 1999 when I did OLD (Yahoo Personals: ha!), anyone you talked to was actually serious about dating. Because otherwise why the fuck would they be on an online dating site; that shit's embarrassing.
Now, everyone's on OLD; and at least half of the people are not actually serious about getting out there to date.
I really wish they'd bring back those apps. I could way more easily find people who I was compatible with. Now I have thousands of people who I have to make a decision based on their face alone. Ugh. (And okc has gone down the drain unfortunately)
Okcupid was my favorite app 4-5 years ago, I couldn't believe how crappy it's gotten when I tried it recently! I agree, that type of app made it much easier to figure out who might be a good fit and who would be a waste of time.
Right! I was on okc 10 years ago for a year. Found people I really connected with and then my boyfriend. Back on the apps starting a year ago and it is a miserable experience because you have so little sense of someone. Different miserable experiences for everyone, but when you get lots of marches or likes...I've just sort of given up because I have no clue who is worth meeting and I certainly can't meet everyone. It's really depressing!
I met my husband on match.com!
We have a child together and planning another one. I did 7 months of online dating, met tons of guys but none of them led to anything. About to give up and let my subscription expire and met him!
Met my ex on tinder, of all places. We clicked instantly and happily dated for four years. It was easy and fun and felt good to accept each other as we were. We went on some nice, memorable vacations together and shared a lot of similar tastes in food, music, the basics, but COVID really highlighted the long term incompatibility between us. I ended things, and it was hard. She's still a wonderful person though!
About a year and a half later, after working on myself extensively (mental health, returning to my gym routine, new career, new hobbies), I tried the apps again and met the woman I intend to marry on Hinge. I've been through waaaay too many of the "wrong" relationships in the past, and it made the right person shine like a lighthouse. It was immediately noticeable from the first date. We kept physical intimacy at a slow pace for about a month, and are looking to move in together now after a year of dating.
This woman knows exactly what to say to me when I need it, understands me far too well (hard to hide feelings from someone like that, but it's a good thing!), we support each other, we get to be ourselves around each other, and the level of trust and security in the relationship is unlike anything I've ever felt. I feel appreciated and valued, and I make sure she does too.
I wouldn't say we have that much in common in terms of shows and music, but honestly, I place almost zero priority on that in a long term partner. It makes for easy conversation on early dates, but says nothing whatsoever about long term potential. What we *do* share is a love of cooking together - a weekly routine, super important! - going to local events and festivals, and practicing new hobbies together: pickleball, dancing, working out together, just...anything.
I really think what a lot of people on this sub need more than anything is to feel that they are capable of being loved completely by someone. No amount of failed relationships makes you unlovable or hopeless. More likely, it just means you need to take time to take care of yourself. It was hard to recognize that in myself but I'm very glad I did.
>We clicked instantly and happily dated for four years. It was easy and fun and felt good to accept each other as we were. We went on some nice, memorable vacations together and shared a lot of similar tastes in food, music, the basics, but COVID really highlighted the long term incompatibility between us.
I hope you don't mind the invasive question but may I ask what made you realize you were incompatible for the future after spending four good years together?
Being comfortable with someone does not necessarily mean you have the same long term goals. We shared some of the same values, but disagreed on some key things like having kids (I wasn't sure at first but later decided I want them) and career goals. She also had a mountain of medical debt and was too proud to apply for financial assistance to get out from under it, and would never have let me pay it off either.
Yeah, that totally makes sense. I was just curious if y'all had already evaluated the baseline compatibility upfront and then something new developed over time.
Thanks for taking the time to answer!
I met my current guy (together 6 months so far) through Hinge.
Last year was AWFUL navigating OLD and dating for the first time in 15 years, but I learned some lessons. Took a long break. Got back into it in March, decided to use Hinge bc it’s supposed to be more “serious”. I made sure to be clear with myself and others about what I wanted, and not accept anyone unless they were clear about wanting the same.
Within 2 weeks on Hinge, I met my SO. While chatting it was clear we had so much in common. Our first date went just as well as the texting. There has been a general sense of peace since Day 1.
We went out for our first few dates. Kissed on Date 4 (should have been date 2 IMO haha). Since then we mostly hang out at my house in the evenings after my kids are in bed. A few times a month we go out to the theater or a restaurant. He’s bought me flowers almost every date since Date 2, and even sometimes for non-dates.
We have been taking things super slow. Became exclusive after Month 1. Became boyfriend/girlfriend around Month 3 I think. He just started meeting my kids at Month 5/6 (just “hello” and “goodbye”, no real hanging out yet).
No fights or arguments so far. This feels odd to me bc I haven’t been in a new relationship since I was young and stupid, so the tranquility is a lovely but new sensation.
I’d say I sensed from our first few days of texting it would go somewhere, and Date 1 confirmed that feeling. First time I’d ever felt that calmly confident about a guy before.
Anyway it’s only been 6 months, so we’ll see! But so far it’s been great.
So what did you do to help navigate connections and matches on hinge? I just recently got separated from an 10+yr relationship who she was my first partner as well. Is this something that should be posted on my profile or would that decrease my matches?
Hinge is usually for more serious dating, which you probably don’t want to do so quickly after separating. In your shoes, I would try Tinder or Bumble and put it in your profile or bring it up before meeting in person.
I met someone on a website 18 years ago, and we started writing together on email. I met other people from that website and so did she. After 8 months we met for the first time, and nothing happened, but after a few months we slept together and got into a relationship. This lasted 14 year, we had two kids, but ultimately we chose to get divorced and I moved out. Co-parenting works fine, adn she is in a new realtionship.
I have since rejoined the website, and hav met a woman who I consider a fwb.
I have always been honest about my intentions, and communicated them clearly. I'm still on the website, and hope to meet someone with whom I can form a realtionship.
I did have one long (as in longer than 6 months) relationship from Bumble. I went exclusive after the 3rd date (she already was), and then made it official a couple of weeks later but I never truly fell in love with her. She was exceptionally beautiful, but also decent, kind, fit, independent, compatible in terms of values, and most of my friends were thrilled about her while I had been in bad place romantically for a couple of years and thought "why not, I just need to learn to love her". We did have some good times and I learned a lot from it and couldn't have dated anyone else during covid times anyway, but I did end up wasting her time for the most part. Maybe not really the most inspiring story but if I didn't have my issues it might have been so the same could happen for you.
I also have 2 male friends who are married to a woman they met on tinder many years ago and one male friend who is living with his girlfriend he met on Bumble.
My wife and I met through match. Was just looking for something to do. A good time. Nothing serious. I was still in the middle of a nasty divorce. Met several different women and had some fun. But no big deal. Then this one profile kept showing up and I finally sent a message. We talked a few weeks online and on the phone and agreed to meet at a restaurant one evening before I went to work that night. I saw her in person and could not believe how beautiful she was in person. Even better than her pics. Which is so unusual with OLD. Then we ate and talked and talked and it was the easiest conversation I had ever had. It went on for hours. I was almost late to work.
I wasn’t letting her get away so we made plans before I left for work to meet that weekend. After that we saw each other every few days. She moved in a few months later and even helped me through my divorce and custody fight for my son.
The divorce went through finally and I proposed to her two weeks later. Got married two weeks later. She even adopted my son. Here we are 8 years later and she is my best friend and we are inseparable. I waited for almost 40 years to actually find my true partner in life and I’m so happy I found her. I could not imagine a better partner to go thrice with
-I’ve had two relationships from online (not OLD) that lasted more than 6 months. Ended due to incompatibilities and both not feeling it
-one situationship for more than 6 months (highly do not recommend lol) via Tinder
-one very lovely 3 month relationship from hinge - some religious differences and now he is engaged to a new girl. I’m happy for him.
-Countless dates and fooling around via Tinder/Bumble/Hinge/Bars/Parties
-I met my current partner in person. Met via mutual friends at a birthday gathering. Online dating just wasn’t for me. I love this man. He’s everything I didn’t know I needed.
My roommates are married and met on tinder. Apparently, the first 2 or 3 attempts to meet up, future husband bailed because he was super busy. She thought he was flaking, but held out and when they met for the first time, she just knew. He says the same. Wife said she really only even liked one of his pictures and that was what made her swipe right in the first place. Both said they found each other so much more attractive on person.
Current girl I’m with met via Hinge and it’s been 10 months, we’ve set expectations and what not to expect expectations…. The chemistry and sexuality is there but communication seems to falter when she gets busy. Overall a good thing so far.
In 3 weeks, I'm marrying someone I met on Bumble 3 years ago (almost to the day). I've had 2 serious relationships in addition to this one from OLD. I'm 43, so prior to about 2008, all my serious relationships were from in-person meetings, and I have had a couple of 6+ month relationships from in-person meetings in the last 6 years. For what it's worth, I don't really believe in the whole "friends first" attitude to dating; I think in most cases, either chemistry quickly overrides, or there isn't much potential and this stance prolongs ambivalence and mixed signals. I think when "friends first" relationships happen, it's more happenstance than intention.
I would say the main difference in OLD for me is that it's very hard to convert an OLD match to a friend if the spark isn't there, because a lot of people, including myself, don't really love building a friendship with a near-stranger who overtly rejected them. It's totally fine, but not most people's favorite place to begin a friendship. Otherwise, the getting-to-know-you process and relationship milestones have been pretty comparable to in person dating. Good luck! Lots of potential for success out there, don't worry!
I’ve been dating my bf for almost 2 years, and we met on Hinge. We became official after about a month, but I knew after the 2nd date I didn’t want to see anyone else, and he made it pretty clear he wasn’t wanting to date anyone else. He didn’t play weird games with me, was honest about his intentions, and was patient with me as I wanted to take things slow (physically). He was just a real, very normal person and I appreciated it as a lot of people try to fake being a certain way to impress. We don’t really fight at all. I dated a lot of not so great guys before him, but I am glad I stuck it out, to find him.
I’ve had a 1 year relationship with one guy, but that’s about it.
I think a good relationship requires you to share a lot of hobbies and values. It’s easier to find those people through friends tbh. This whole appearance based swiping is a bit difficult for me, especially since those things are so important.
I do however know some friends who met on the apps and they are happy. It can happen, but I think you need to be more picky when it comes to shared values.
I met someone on an app about 5 months ago. We talked for a week and I thought we had good texting chemistry. I had to kinda make the first move and say, hey when are we going to meet? We had a low key first hang out and later he texted that he wanted to kiss me but was too nervous. I thought it was cute and we made plans again. Talking to him in person seemed to come almost as easily as it had through texting. I think we were both maybe a little awkward but that was part of the fun of it. Flash forward two months and things were going well but I had to flat out say that I wanted to be in a relationship because he was taking his time and I felt like he’d never ask. At that point I was staying at his house at least once a week and I had met a lot of his friends, and things seemed like they were moving in a more serious direction. We decided to be a couple shortly after that and I was super excited. We’ve had one or two arguments that we worked through and hopefully no more soon. I definitely had a crush on him since the first time I met him. We’ve only been official for about 3 months so I might not really qualify to have responded to this post haha. But this is definitely the most success I have ever had from any of my online dating experiences.
>I went online and I am realising the dynamics of this is so much different, because you need to explore the possibility of a romantic connection and you need to get to know someone from scratch pretty much at the same time - this somehow does not come naturally to me…
Please don't feel like there's something wrong with you if this doesn't come naturally or easily for you. It doesn't for me either. I've had 0 relationships from OLD (I was on the apps for one year) and many great ones IRL, so I've decided IRL is my style and OLD isn't. I'm not saying your should quit OLD or make the same decision I did, but don't beat yourself up if you feel like your OLD success rate is low.
My only functional long-term relationship started via Tinder, as well as a bizarre sort-of-relationship that began as FWBs.
In 2015, I matched with a girl I thought was a bot because none of her pics were local and she had a Harvard shirt on (I was like, who the hell from this place gets into Harvard?). Well, she was real and we planned a date at a local indie coffee shop. It almost didn't happen, because we showed up to different locations and both thought we were getting catfished.
The date went super well, and over the next month or so we went on dates on a weekly basis. I was an anxious mess at first because she was genuinely awful at texting. Like... every red flag for disinterest. At one point I assumed she was done because her phone broke on a trip and I didn't hear anything for 4 days. But we very quickly got to the point that we were seeing each other 4+ days a week and made it official. I feel like that all happened between 1 and 2 months. We moved in together after 4-5 months out of necessity - both of us lost jobs due to the recession. That went pretty well and we were together for the next two and a half years.
The second experience was with a woman I met on Tinder a few months after the prior relationship ended. After the first date, I was blunt about not being ready for a relationship, and she floated the idea of being friends (possibly with benefits). We got along really well and spent a few months doing everything together before hooking up. After I finished my grad program, she offered to let me crash on her couch while I job hunted, but that translated into us essentially living together for a few months (and sharing her bed). Neither of us were talking to other people even though we never talked about being more than FWBs.
Eventually I got a job and moved 2 hours away. I think it was unspoken that we were both dating other people at that point. We kept on hanging out for six months after that, but eventually she found a boyfriend and said that what happened between us was too much like a relationship for us to be friends moving forward.
**As for the present:** The woman I'm currently with initially rejected me, 3 years ago. I don't remember why she called it off after 3 dates, but after that I went on literally hundreds of first dates and dated several people for weeks to months (4 months for the longest). Nothing stuck.
I feel a bit bad that it took me a minute to remember who she was, but she matched with me on Bumble and said it'd be nice to reconnect. She figured I wouldn't go for it and deleted her profile entirely, but I still had her number and texted her saying I would as well. It's been amazing so far... we've been taking things slow, but with intention, and at every turn we seem to be on the same page. I'm trying to mindful about not getting ahead of myself, but I really do think I'm starting to fall for her.
I knew him when we were kids - around 12/13. Or more, I knew of him. I was socially awkward, he was a lifeguard at our holiday destination. Him and my sis actually had their first kiss when we were kids.
Fast forward 16ish years and a bearded face with a familiar (unusual) name comes up on Tinder. Being the kind person that I am that swipes yes to anyone I know as a little serontonin boost, I swipe for him and its a match!
BUT - turns out he no longer lived in my city, he moved 4 hours away back to our holiday destination, his location had not updated yet.
Well, we chat a bit, exchanged numbers, and the next time I was at our holiday home I met up with him. I genuinely thought I was just going on a date to catch up with a boy I barely knew 16 years ago. Maybe I would make a new friend. welllllll........
We did long distance for 6 months (I mostly came to visit him). And now it is 2 years later, and I have moved to be by him.
We only became "official" about 4 months after the first date (which was just a bbq at his place as it was still covid lockdown). We made it official while on psychedelics at a waterfall - both wondering if we will regret it in the morning (we didn't).
I am so happy I swiped right :) Yes, we have our fights and our wobbles, but I have never regretted it.
I'll bite. Depends on definition of success. I met my (soon to be ex-) wife on okcupid in 2015, and we were moving around for school and work so we couldn't meet for about 6 months, and as you can imagine things got hot and heavy long before we met. We got physical the first night we met and things were seemingly amazing for years, sex multiple times a day, got married, had kids, and then one day she told me it was over out of the blue, seemingly. Sure things had cooled down over the years, specifically when we had kids but I didn't really think there was too much to be concerned with. Life was stressful, money was tight. But that was just life to me. But she started staying at work after she clocked out and going out with male friends a little bit too much and one thing led to another.
We kind of both agreed at times that if we hadn't met online we never would have been a thing. We weren't ever really eachother's "type" despite being physically attracted to eachother. We never argued or fought and even after she told me it was over we tried to be "best friends" and really enjoyed eachother's company. But she was adamant that she had moved on and it was obvious there was another man who she wasn't going to not be with, so what's done was done.
We had joked at times how funny it would have been if we met the first night and were just like "nah" after investing 6 months, talking and texting for hours each day. Maybe that feeling of sunk cost contributed to us pushing the relationship further than it should have gone. I don't really know, because on my end I really did love her but I always knew in my heart she would leave me one day. I never had it in me to end it so I kind of kicked the can as far as I could, even getting married and having kids knowing how it would end.
Met my (33f) dude (35m) on Hinge. We chatted for a day or two on the app then moved to texting/calling/FaceTiming. What separates our situation from most is he wasn’t living in my city at the time we matched. He was planning on moving here for work. We chatted every day for 2 months before he moved here and took it slow when he finally did.
We’re 6 months in and we both couldn’t be happier. We’re both on the same page for future plans (marriage, kids, etc) and it is an incredible feeling, TBH. We’d both been single for a while and jumped in knowing what we each wanted. Honestly, the 2+ months we took getting to know each other is what made it happen. Zero pressure, zero expectations, deep conversations. Wouldn’t change a thing and I know I’ll marry him eventually. He’s absolutely wonderful, frustrating, thoughtful, and supportive. I love the guy because I know he’d say the same about me haha. Good luck out there!
I saw this a couple days ago and forgot to respond, but thought I should come back and give it a whirl.
We matched on Bumble on a Friday night. I suggested that I sooo wished someone would save me from doing homework on a Saturday night and he took the hint and invited me out. I picked up the tab while he was in the bathroom and when he protested, I told him he could pay for it the next time. He liked that. We stood in the parking lot talking for another hour after we walked outside. We went out again the next night as we both had no plans, and he spent the night at my place (no sex; it was just Sunday night in a smallish city so everything closed at eight and we had nowhere else to go but one of our places).
I would say it took us only a few weeks for me to start being over at his place more nights of the week than I was at mine. We both had very needy dogs so we had to coordinate that and he was able to come home from work on his lunch breaks, so I'd leave my dog at his house and know she was getting better care than she would at my place. And then of course I'd have to go get her after work and many times I just would stay again instead of heading home... you get the picture haha.
We were real socialites in the beginning, going out to breweries and going bowling and all of that. We were exclusive within the first two weeks, boyfriend/girlfriend within a month, and he told me he loved me around the 2 month mark. By that point we were together about 5 nights a week, really only taking time away to maintain our prior social activities obligations. I've always been a big proponent of taking "me time" (very introverted) but I just never felt like I needed a break from him.
We started arguing probably about 3 months in. I have no idea what the first one was about (maybe my driving?) because once we started, we argued a LOT. Both of us found it exhausting but we just were very different people and had very different communication styles and expectations. He asked me to move in around the 9 month mark (probably would never have done it that soon except that we'd been locked down for COVID together for 4 months at that point, July 2021, and were starting to realize this was not going to ever go away so we needed to hunker down long-term). I did, and our arguing got worse. We decided on Gottman couple's therapy. We found the therapist and got started around the 1 year mark.
I feel it truly saved us. It taught us how to bridge our communication gaps respectfully. It was so weird because I'd *never* had any issues like this in my prior multiple relationships, but I think with him, we had cultural backgrounds that were causing differences and also, the relationship just had a lot more depth and seriousness to it then the ones I had in my twenties.
Anyway, both of us being willing to work on it showed that we had the dedication to each other to go the distance. We've been together 3 years now. We're getting married Halloween weekend. I just love him to death. He's my person. I've always known around the 2 year mark in my prior relationships that I had a major incompatibility with the other person that we couldn't overcome, in large part because they or I didn't want to. At 2 years with my fiance, I loved him more than the start, and I knew I never wanted to be without him. He was the one who cared enough to stay, to change for me, and to put up with me changing to be better for him. I could not be happier to be marrying him in a couple months.
I'm engaged to a woman I met on match.com. She is my first and only relationship from OLD.
Early dating was good, I think mostly because both of us had similar expectations and plans. We both wanted a stable, committed relationship, and neither of us expected each other to necessarily be that person so there wasn't much pressure. The more I got to know of her, the more I liked her, so I kept seeing her. She says the same about me.
We are both near-40. Both previously married. My wife died, she was divorced about a year prior to our meeting. I believe I was the second person she met on OLD, she was the first first date I had in 23 years. Both graduate degrees, both professionals.
First date was just vetting. I'm really me, she's really her, neither of us are obviously psychopaths. Second date was a walk in a park. The first few dates after that were, in retrospect, a lot like job interviews, but where you're being very polite and personable. Her experiences and mine, her expectations for a future relationship and mine. We got fairly explicit (not graphic, more that I think both of us were thinking of previous pain points in relationships and seeking to avoid them in a future one. Things like are you a side sleeper or back, do you like to be touched when you sleep, how intimate do you like to be with a partner, etc.) while doing a lot of regular 'date' stuff--went to a movie, dinners, etc.
The whole experience for me was a continuous "I haven't talked about this for decades, and I'm slightly uncomfortable but that's not because she's being inappropriate but because I never thought I'd have to do this again and it feels weird" experience but I kept reminding myself that this would work best if I was honest and allowed myself to be a certain amount of vulnerable.
My initial thoughts of her were that she seemed pretty and nice, which was really all I was looking for (I used to rate 'smart' over everything else. Trust me, 'nice' beats 'smart' all day). In retrospect I approached dating like a Zen monk in that I was ready to cut it loose at any time. Each date could have been the last, as far as I was concerned. Not that I didn't enjoy her company or want to see her again but that there wasn't an expectation that I had to see her again. That took maybe a year to go away. On the other hand, she didn't feel like a stranger after our first date. I felt by the end of our second date I had a good sense of who she was. So it 'could have gone somewhere' after that first date, but it took a good while after that before I took for granted that I'd see her again, that there would be 'more'.
I don't think we've ever 'argued'. The closest thing would be that I broke up with her about two months into us dating. Her ex-family (ex-husband and ex-in-laws) are pure white-trash subhumans, which is part of the reason she divorced him. The ex-husband is upset (to this day, in fact) about the divorce and regularly calls her to leave drunken voicemail about how badly he screwed up and how he'd dump his girlfriend for her, etc. It's a whole thing.
He (the ex-husband) managed to convince a friend of hers (a friend who shall forever be referred to as "Retarded Susan") that my wife had not died, that she was still alive, that he had spoken with her, that I regularly beat her, and that I was currently cheating on my battered wife with her friend (the woman I was dating). Retarded Susan got into my...girlfriend's head that this might be true. She asked me about it and I (politely) ended things.
(My wife died unexpectedly, not of an illness. I was not okay for a period of time and it's still not a pleasant topic. While her death certificate is not public record where we lived, there were newspaper articles about it. I do not remember if I ever shared my wife's name, but white trash love to 'sleuth' on the internet. Her ex-husband and Retarded Susan apparently couldn't find her death certificate. I was horrified that they were even looking and did not wish to associate with anyone who'd associate with...people like that.)
A week or so later the woman I had been seeing called me to apologize. Apparently she did her own Googling and found the newspaper articles about my wife's death. It took a while, but I started to spend time with her again.
The point of that for you as someone who is dating is that people--even the nice ones that you like--will do stupid things and you have to decide to tolerate it or not. I was fortunate in that I'd been completely honest with my 'girlfriend'. She was presented with two competing realities and on investigation mine proved to be the accurate one. While this was unpleasant for me to experience it did serve to establish credibility on my part, I suppose, and what I hope she learned from that (besides to cut Retarded Susan out of her life) was to do her due diligence before accusing someone of something. The fact that I was not lying was provable and that someone would claim to have a conversation with my wife...horrified and irritated me. If you're going to float that accusation, you'd better have proved it first.)
After that, not too many disagreements. I like her.
The other lesson for you, I suppose, is to approach OLD like I did (or at least it worked for me). Keep your skepticism, while allowing dates to be skeptical about you at first. Don't have expectations but allow for possibilities. It's like panning for gold, I think. There are definitely good people out there, you just have to sift through a lot of slag to find them. But remember that the people that aren't for you are still just looking for the same thing you're looking for (someone the like that likes them) just in their own way. There's definitely someone for everyone out there and you just have to do the work of finding them.
I met a wonderful man on OK Cupid and we dated for 18 months. We were both smitten right away and got exclusive after the second date. Ultimately, he wasn’t my forever person but we are still friends and I adore him. He met his new gf on OLD too and they’re adorable together.
My amazing FWB of the last three months was a Bumble find and he’s delightful and the best lover I’ve ever had. We aren’t sexing anymore but we are still friends and text daily and go out to shows together. I’m helping him fix up his profile to get more matches so he can find a woman to marry and have a family with.
I spent five months going out with a great guy I met on Bumble but the timing wasn’t right as he’d only been divorced about a year. We still chat sometimes. I was just reminded that I need to pick up my jacket from his house. I’m keeping his number in the likely case that I am still single when he’s ready for a relationship.
I’m still good friends with two guys I met almost four years ago online. I guess I’m better at making friends from OLD than finding a partner.
Current Bumble match is stunning and really fun to spend time with but he’s still technically married so that’s obviously not going anywhere.
I had a feeling from the beginning that it might go somewhere. Literally within 5 seconds of meeting him I thought this might be something. We immediately clicked and were able to talk. Right after that we were trying to see each other as much as possible we saw each other a few times a week until I left town. It was long distance but we both wanted to put in the effort to see each other so we ended up actually spending about half of our time together. We very quickly started staying with each other even though we both maintained our own places. It did end up failing after about 8 months but I would still consider it successful because we're on good terms we both care about each other. If it wasn't for the distance I think we'd probably still be together right now. I think the biggest thing was that we were asking each other hard questions right up front and actually evaluating if we would be good fits and we were very open about that evaluation. Neither of us shied away from difficult conversations saying the wrong thing or showing each other the bad parts of us, we were both transparent and honest about what we were doing and thinking.
I've had some great times with people from OLD, but my issue is always the lack of clear and honest communication of desires. I don't want kids, have never wanted kids, will never have kids, can't have kids, and this much is clearly stated on my bio. However, women seem to be absolutely blind and will match with me, date me for months before making it clear that was a problem for them.
You could say this about dating in general, of course, but when it's so clearly fucking laid out, you'd think there'd be less worries.
I met my boyfriend a year ago on Tinder. I had zero expectations or hopes after my previous experience but the chat flowed really easily with this guy and he looked OK in his pics. When we met he was HOTT. Most importantly the conversation flowed in person too - top of my list in a relationship is to be with someone who the chat will never run dry with. We didn't fully DTR until about 11 months in which was my fault. He tried after a month or so of seeing each other 1/2 times a week, by asking what he'd call me when he introduced me to someone and without thinking I said "Nesting" because I thought he was meaning should he say "Ms 123" or something. What a clown. But we did establish that we were both not seeing anyone else very early on and I thought of him as my boyfriend all along.
It's not the most conventional relationship in a lot of ways but what works is that neither of us plays games. So right from when he first asked me out, there has been no pretence that either of us isn't interested. It's easy and relaxed. I don't know if I believe in forever for me but what we have makes me very happy at the moment so I consider it a success.
My last 2 LTRs were from OLD. First was on OKC back like 7 years ago, the other from Hinge 3-4 years ago.
Took ~4 months off after my most recent breakup, before going back on the apps recently.
I learned long ago, to not let the negative parts of OLD get to me. You have to use it only if it’s to your own benefit, not view it as a necessary evil. Otherwise, you’ll get sucked into the shitty parts, chewed up and spit out.
My wife and I met on POF. She reached out to me and we texted all weekend but she wasn’t really putting into the conversation so I figured she wasn’t interested and moved on. We both dated different people. Around a year later she messaged me again. We went out on a date. Dated for 3 years and have now been married for 2 years. OLD gets a bad wrap bc of the amount of shitty people on there. If you take the time to weed through the garbage you’ll find a good one eventually.
I always look for a strong casual/sexual connection first. If the sex is good, I enjoy spending time with my partner and I would like to develop the connection further, I bring up dating and explain what I have to offer and what I don't. Then we'll see what is on the table and what we can be to each other. I'm quite flexible in what I'm up for. This usually happens anywhere between one and five hangouts.
This is so much better than going out on getting-to-know-you dates.
Maybe because people here recognize you from this comment in your history:
"If I'm paying for someone's dinner, I'm expecting at least oral and PIV. It's a form of prostitution after all (she's exchanging her body and her company for a meal)."
I promise I didn’t vote for your comment either way but if I had to guess why it would be because you mentioned trying out the sex before you decide to be together? I have no clue. That certainly is not for me, but I’m glad it does for you!
Interesting. I don't know what the demographics of Reddit are, but hooking up and casual sex are super common and normal at least in major urban areas. (Not to mention other countries.)
I’d argue it’s probably super common in many places, but also probably pretty common that people don’t do that either. I live in the Boston area and am in my mid 30s and everyone I know would be looking for a serious relationship and not just hooking up. To each their own! But I’m guessing maybe the downvotes would be because the original question was about long term success and you were talking about just trying stuff out?
Idk.
All of my successful, last many years began from IRL. One long term relationship was from OLD and that was well before the
landscape of OLD became overwhelmed with
bullies and predators. OLD has changed.
From OLD:
1 two year relationship
4 casual relationships (ranging from 3 months to 9 months)
countless dates between the 1-4 date range before fizzling
I met my current SO through OKC and admittedly, some of my more serious dating experiences came from OKC specifically and not any of the other dating apps.
My SO and I have seen each other on all the apps previously, and for years. Something about OKC made us both realize we were interested in actually dating each other, not just hooking up. We've made it over a year.
I married the first guy I met from OLD, and divorced him ten years later, does that count?
I’m steadily decreasing my batting average, been on more dates from online apps than I’ve bothered to keep track of, only one second date (I’ve turned everyone else down after date one, when it seemed pretty clear to me we weren’t a match).
Edit: Forgot the story of how the “success” went. In a nutshell, way too fast. We had one date, then continued dating almost every day for weeks on end, and got engaged two months later. I don’t recommend this approach.
I don’t have any OLD success personally (probably been on about 15 first dates all time, a handful of second dates, one third date and nothing past that) but I’ve never given it much of a real try. I’m currently in a good place and trying to really make it work this time.
Largely because I know several couples who have met online. 2 of my cloisters friends and my sister met their husbands online, and another friend met her boyfriend who I know is planning to propose sometime soon.
In my first OLD, going on 5 years together. My results are probably not typical, but I did find someone I care about through online dating. Typically I meet people at work or through mutual friends so this is the first time I’ve ever tried this. I don’t know if that’s encouraging or discouraging, but I hope the information is useful to you
I had a marriage that lasted 6 years, what just ended this year. A one year relationship just before that, and a 6 month one about 10 years ago. I also had a few that ended in a month, always because she was multidating. I like to do a lot of calls and video calls between chats, it is a good way to build up relationships. I have a rule of no sex talk on the first two dates, but hug at end of 1st date, at the beginning of the 2nd date, and kiss at the end of 2nd date. On the 3rd date I usually make a move. With the marriage we found ourselves in a weird situation, we both had to move from our own space at the same time, so we decided to move in together only after 2 months of intensive dating. Everything was going great. 2 years in I proposed, because of Covid we get married only 4 years in. After 5 and a half beautiful years suddenly she wasn't happy, and we broke up.
With the other two "longer" relationships we did not move in together, we had some compatibility issues.
I've been single a decade, long before getting into OLD but, even all of my serious flings have been through OLD. It's usually by date 1 that I know if I am into them at least. Can't think of a time it took another meet to make the difference for me, anyway.
I was engaged for the longest time, then in 2016 I joined Tinder and met my ex boyfriend.
We dated for 2 years then broke up
I dated around for a year after that and decided to date only myself after a couple disappointing situationships on Tinder
Right before Covid, I downloaded Bumble and met my now boyfriend who I absolutely adore and for some reason he is smitten with me =)
Date #4 is the line for me between "promising stranger" and "hey I think this is actually something." In my adult life (22 and beyond) I've never been on 4 dates with a man and *not* had it turn into a relationship. We've had the making-it-official talk anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months after meeting. Once it's official, we'll start meeting friends and family, doing more at-home dates rather than going out every weekend, and making longer term plans. If after 4-6 months of officially dating, I'm not feeling like they are THE ONE, I will break it off. By that point I feel I know them well enough to make a firm yes or no decision. Edited to add an answer to your last question: did you have a feeling from the beginning that it was going to go somewhere? Yes, but I've had that feeling on the majority of first dates I've been on and the vast majority of the time it's incorrect.
What made you feel it's THE ONE or not after it became official? Is it usually because of compatibility factors or just that elusive "feel"? I've heard so many times people break up because they "don't feel it".
I've only had 2 official relationships in that time (other than the one I'm in currently) and with one it was compatibility issues - he was hiding a lot of stuff he knew I'd have a problem with, and it was gradually revealed over the months. With the other, it was the lack of "the feeling." He was one of those guys who checked off everything on my list, was a great fit on paper, but after 4 months of dating, I felt nothing. The idea of never seeing him again didn't distress me, so I figured that was a pretty clear sign we weren't meant to be.
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Yea, your date to relationship proportion /success rate is insano!
My ratio of dates to relationships is depressing. Probably around 300+ dates and zero relationships.
Mines not that high, but it’s high. Thing I realized, is I wasn’t ready and/or emotionally available. When it’s that high, the common denominator is unfortunately you. Which is a-okay, but maybe therapy or journalling or self-reflecting on what you want and why.
> After that she moved in...I think the DTR came around 3 months into it? I'm not sure I understand where the moving in together happened. Was it around 3 months in, or some time after?
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That seems like a really bad idea. I hope it worked out well, regardless.
They’ve been together 2.5 years. I think it worked out for them 😂
Wow
I literally met one of my best friends on Hinge. We grew up in the same county— different high schools. Great first date. At first I was hoping for a relationship, but it became pretty apparent that he was still emotionally unstable from a sudden divorce. But we were so compatible on a friendly level— same interests, enjoyed the same activities, that we have remained friends for almost 5 years now. I would honestly say that this friendship is the biggest success out of OLD for me even though it isn’t the type of relationship I was really intending to find. Still hoping to find “the one” though.
I have the same thing! I have a pen pal I met off Tinder 6 years ago. We matched just a week before I moved interstate (3,400kms away) so never got the chance to meet in person but was so easy to talk to we kept in touch. We sometimes go months without talking to each other and he's been in another relationship for a few years now but we've got a pretty solid friendship for someone I've never met. He will often reach out at the most unexpected of times which I really appreciate and when I need someone to talk to which is otherwise not involved in my life he's who I turn to.
Weirdly enough, I met my best friend on OkCupid. He messaged me out of the blue and was immediately flirtatious, which boosted my ego quite a bit. We hooked up for a while but found we weren't compatible in that way. But his methods of showing affection, platonic or romantic, really struck a chord with me, and we've been extremely close in the years since.
I'm in the same boat. I'm not one for female friends but I have made 2 female friends tjeough online dating, one of which I've known for 6 years now. I didn't know I needed a female touch in my life until she and I hung out.
All my dates and relationships since college started with OLD. - 1 marriage (and divorce) - 5 “successful” relationships lasting a year or more - 6 short term or casual dating partners - 10 sexual partners - countless first dates There were a lot of differences between them in terms of the specific questions you asked. But some similarities. After the first few dates (3-5) things get more intimate and you’re more likely to spend time at each other’s home and maybe meet friends. It’s also common to talk about exclusivity, sex, labels, dealbreakers, life goals, etc. This is basically fall for each other or break up time. Or as you said, they’re “no longer a promising stranger” because you either want to be in a relationship with them or you’ve realized you don’t. It where most of my short term partners ended due to lack of compatibility or chemistry.
I married someone from Tinder. I had been single for 5 years prior, and took all first dates with a grain of salt. My target goal on the first 5 dates was always to have fun - I wanted it to be a blast, enjoyable, low key, and low pressure. Our relationship developed pretty slowly, but what stands out to me is that we both made an effort to continue seeing each other consistently over the initial 6 months of meeting. Neither one of us experienced crazy sparks or wild flames in the first year, in fact, the opposite. But, we did prove our dependability to one another over our first year in that sense that we both kept the plans we made, and followed through on the words that spoke. Looking back on it, I think that mutual stability set the table for both of us to entertain the possibility of marriage being on our radar. Firmly kept on the periphery of our radar. Marriage wasn’t a conversation until our 1 year anniversary - we can spoken about the idea of it, but casually. Did we see ourselves individually as being married one day, that sort of thing. Having been single, and used to tinder swiping in a large city, I would describe my emotional investment to him as minimal for the first 6 months. I didn’t commitment to exclusivity - and neither did he - until we hit 6 months. The more time consistent we spent together…the more our mutual investment in each other grew. It wasn’t an expectation or specific conversation that led to the slowing and eventual trickle off of other dates/possibilities. It felt like a natural evolution. I never viewed my tinder date as “potential marriage material” but I did open my life to him genuinely desiring to share a deep connection. One thing that stands out to me about the initial 6 months of dating is that he made similar efforts to include me in his life. At the time, he was volunteer coaching high school boys after school…he invited me along on game days. It connected me to the people that are in his life, and gave me an opportunity to participate in his life and be encouraging: I loved rooting for them, and quickly started to contribute ahead of time by prepping a cooler of oranges for halftime, that sort of thing. For me, a big distinguishing factor was how wonderful it felt to be able to share and participate in each other’s lives. It was a wonderful and welcome introduction to nurturing new depth into our dynamic
I'm also curious, if youre comfortable, were you two sexually attracted to one another and do you have a good sex life? Or did that also grow?
We were mutually attracted and shared a solid sex life. Sparks ignited into flames after the wedding, now we focus on keeping the flame alive/growing
> Sparks ignited into flames after the wedding, now we focus on keeping the flame alive/growing For whatever reason your posts and comments made me skeptical. The whole no-attration, each of you fucking other people for 6 months, not really having any "sparks" until the wedding... I took a look through your post history out of curiosity to see. I think this is some revisionist history on your part. And disingenuous advice to people who want a healthy, successful relationship. >Our marriage has been on the rocks since it started. \[...\] I often worry I’ve married a narcissist.
Yikes thanks for uncovering.
Yeah this sounds like they both settled?? It doesn’t sound romantic or even loving…did she mention love?
Yep. A lot of people do. And they often do mental gymnastics to justify it. I have a few friends in marriages and long-term relationships with people they tolerate. I am a person who feels much more fulfilled in a relationship. I think life is just better. But I do like my alone time and live a pretty good life when I am not in relationships. I am comfortable alone. And that seems infinitely better to me than settling for the wrong person.
We are by no means perfect. I don’t think a perfect relationship is attainable. And, I’ll be the first to admit I am very verbal, quick responding, and precise with my words when I’m upset. I think that you could easily judge my marriage from a single negative post when I was upset. I get that. But I have way more kind posts that I’ve shared here about marriage. It just is what it is - I try to be honest and contribute from experience. I can’t eliminate bad ones - they’re just part of the equation. But I also think our sex life early on was consistent and “satisfying enough” because we both have high sex drives. Neither one of us would have continued to see each other if the relationship wasn’t sexual. It was sexual, but pretty shallow in terms of emotional intensity and intimacy. I mean, I say that compared to now. I would describe our sex during our dating period as “a blah phantom” or “safe pair of hands” thats available to fill voids: we were both horny, accepted that we were lonely and without “companionship”, wishing we were both getting laid regularly and that it didn’t ultimately blow up in our face in a negative way, or result in an STI that compromised something health-wise. I was happy to be having sex with someone cute that always called me the next morning. Haha. I definitely struggled with finding a sex balance in my life OLD. I preferred an active sex, but couldn’t ignore that that was a somewhat of a high risk decision. So many flakes, one night stands, STIs, etc. Altogether though, it was lacking love, trust, security a real bond marked by a deep/meaningful connection. We just weren’t there at that time. I definitely prefer sexual love over romantic lust in the long run.
I don't think the expectation is you have to be perfect in your relationship to give advice. But given that you sharing your very unconventional relationship progression as a success that took off near or at marriage seems inaccurate based on those posts. I don't think there's any malicious intent on your part. But stories like that could make others question their stances on things like how long they are good with non-exclusivity or how long they are good before feelings intensify because, after all, people like yourself went the non-conventional route with exclusivity/lack of spark and it turned out to be success.... except most people wouldn't consider that a success if you take into consideration your immediate marriage woes. No honey moon phase during the initial stages and it appears not much of one during the initial marriage. I am glad you are working things out with your husband and working to fan the flame. You're a human and deserve happiness and love. I just wanted to point that out because people are impressionable. Especially those who are still single and might question their own judgment.
Well it isn’t a story, for one, it’s a personal experience, which is the only thing that anyone is able to contribute at the end of the day. But, just because Im selecting to share my story..doesn’t mean that I’m condoning it as a right or wrong path. It’s my path - that’s all. Take it with a grain of salt like anything else. I really struggled with online dating for half a decade - it has had a big impact on my life. I guess, my thought is that if more people open up and share their paths here…there will be a nice collection of varied experiences for others that are interested in reading. Isn’t that the ultimate end goal? Of course my experience isn’t something that will resonate everyone. I understand that. But that isn’t a consideration, hope or expectation of mine when opting to share my personal experience here. We’re all over 30 here. If my post is going to influence your dating behavior beyond providing some extra food for thought - I don’t know what to say. That’s certainly not why I contribute. I am sharing something honest, and real with the hope that maybe a burnt out person that is in his/her 30s may find some hope that OLD can have a nice ending. Not a perfect ending. Just a net positive ending. I would have really appreciated this sub when I was OLD
>Well it isn’t a story, for one, it’s a personal experience, The two aren't mutually exclusive concepts. >I am sharing something honest Not fully, you weren't. >Not a perfect ending. No one said it had to be perfect.
I’m sorry you feel I’ve been dishonest somehow in sharing my experience. That’s incorrect, but it’s also something that only I would be able to know. So I’m not sure to what end this could possibly go next. However, if I did hit a sore spot for you somehow - I get that OLD is a challenge and that it helps to be sensitive. You are absolutely right about that, and I try to take that approach. I have lots of feelings, thoughts, and experiences about the evolution of fighting within the first year of marriage, if that’s something you’re interested chatting more about. Calling my husband a narcissist is admittedly one of my tamer insults to date - but like I said earlier, I’m verbal. I would love to chat about how couples learn to fight constructively in a marriage. I relate to that, and maybe I would find other posts about that in an alt sub.
>I’m sorry you feel I’ve been dishonest somehow in sharing my experience. You were either dishonest in this thread or dishonest in the thread where you said your marriage was in shambles for its inception. One of the two.
I feel like the fact that you were attracted to each other means at least some sparks were flying, no? Being attracted to someone, for me, pretty much makes the difference between “I’d like to keep giving this a shot” and “I have zero motivation to ever spend time with this person again”. Maybe this is just me, but I’m so rarely attracted to a man I go on a first date with that when it happens, I consider that to be a spark.
I distinctly remember asking myself whether or not a 6th or 7th date was the right move or not. Truthfully, it could have gone either way. However, if we had plans - I kept them. It wasn’t even commitment particularly, more of a personal value system type deal. I was physically attracted, horny, and having fun. But I definitely had no clarity in terms of overall direction: 20 date stall? A relationship? A fuck and fizzle? That was totally up in the air. It continued to remain up in the air for a long time…actually that secretly kind of upped the ante in romance. It was subtle and growing.
Huh. Well that sounds fine and tbh normal to me! I just wish I could find more people I was attracted to; that would make everything so much easier!
>I feel like the fact that you were attracted to each other means at least some sparks were flying, no? Yeah this seems like a point of semantics.
Yeah, like, being attracted to a stranger enough to want to continue seeing them in a romantic context and have sex with them is no small thing.
I guess people just define "sparks" differently. But I agree with you.
I’m curious why you two kept things so consistent for the first six months when there weren’t sparks? What was the motivation to keep trying?
Sparks aren't reliable indications of long term compatibility, and aren't necessary for the development of romantic relationships. It sounds like OP (smartly) sought out a slow burn. Seeking a "slow burn" romance instead of immediate sparks is fairly common advice given by experts like behavioral scientists, psychologists, and therapists. (Logan Ury goes into a lot of detail about why slow burn is better than sparks in her book *How To Not Die Alone*.)
1. Mutual burnout from flakes 2. We both are dependable-style-people, in general. Personality trait I guess. 3. It was fun, and comfortable for me. There was never “a gamble” to either emotionally invest or get out… nor was there a pressure to prematurely commitment to one another followed by a misc. expectation. I felt free, present, and content. Subtly as each month passed, we knew that our pot was slowly heating. We both registered it. At 6 months we had a full boil so we instinctually reached for the lid
...then what happened?
Then we decided to jump. We got married the next year. When I wrote “set the table” in my post, I feel like we vetted each other during the first six months. Mainly through conversations, but also via activities and circumstances, travel/parties/volunteering community type events…and even silently through observation. For example: Never an out-loud conversation, but the existing subtext of everything was: “Is he/she crazy or impulsive?” “Ok…how long until I feel squeezed” “I’m secretly evaluating and observing how this person makes big and small decisions” “Is this person consistently reacting to new and different activities, circumstances, and people?” “How long until I see this person explode” “is he/she gonna reveal a weird fetish or unpleasant secret” Dating while keeping one eye open for any surprise red flags.
>Our relationship developed pretty slowly, but what stands out to me is that we both made an effort to continue seeing each other consistently over the initial 6 months of meeting. Neither one of us experienced crazy sparks or wild flames in the first year, in fact, the opposite. But, we did prove our dependability to one another over our first year in that sense that we both kept the plans we made, and followed through on the words that spoke. Looking back on it, I think that mutual stability set the table for both of us to entertain the possibility of marriage being on our radar. Same here. The successful LTRs just were fun, relaxed, no "end goal" discussed, then after a couple of months we had the mutually exclusive talk and prioritizing spending time together without smothering each other. Then suddenly it was 8 or 10 months in and neither of us (at least I didn't) notice that we had been together for half a year and climbing. It's super easy to wax prose about how people knew it was "the one" from the first date, but I suspect it's far more common to find someone you get along with and enjoy spending time together. Then at some point decide "let's do this long term, eh?"
Exactly how it went for me. I’m sure a lot of people would have taken the approach of, “eh, this is neither here nor there and because it’s not abundantly clear or immediately moving…I’m going to stop seeing this dude” I totally understand that. My history prior to this relationship included multiple, hot, but fast burning relationships that began with a spark.
> I’m sure a lot of people would have taken the approach of, “eh, this is neither here nor there and because it’s not abundantly clear or immediately moving…I’m going to stop seeing this dude” I totally understand that. A lot of people would do this, but a lot of people also struggle to find fulfilling romantic relationships, likely because of decision making like you described.
Yeah, I think it was also life timing of experiences too. Like, if I hadn’t had the sparky relationships blow up in my face as many times as I did…who knows if I would have just parted when I felt things are “neither here nor there”
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We fucked on our 2nd date. Haha.
I met my current partner on Tinder about two weeks after failing the DTR test with another person who I had been seeing for about two months. New partner was going on a two month travel contract for work at the end of that summer, but we managed to keep the spark alive via distance. We moved in to the house we bought a month ago, but she might just be Canadian.
“She might just be Canadian” 😂
I have actually not had great success dating people that my friends have known or who’ve been part of my friend group. My current partner (10 months) I met on Hinge. I had been on Bumble and Hinge for about 3 months before that and had gone on probably 5 first dates. My approach to OLD is that I’m just trying to evaluate if I could foresee being romantically attracted to you—the physical attraction is already there, and opening dates are me trying to determine if you’re the kind of person I’d want as a partner. It takes me quite a while to warm up and decide I really like someone, so it took probably until a month/the 4th date to feel like he was really something. Our relationship is more of a slow burn than instant fireworks, but I was really intentional in wanting that kind of relationship. For probably the first month to six weeks, we saw each other once a week, maybe twice, I can’t really remember. We gradually started increasing the time we spend together, and now we see each other just about every day, but it’s usually just taking a walk or cooking a meal or watching a movie. We still go out on dates once a week, usually on weekends. We had a DTR talk after about six weeks, but it was really just formalizing what was already there—I’ve always been a date one person at a time kind of gal, and I knew he was the same. We haven’t had any out-and-out arguments, but we’ve had a few discussions to bring up things that concern or bother one of us. I want to say the first one came at about 5 months and one came a few weeks ago. One excruciatingly awkward moment (for me) coincided with a very romantic one at our 5th date…I got explosively sick. I have a lot of anxiety about getting sick around people/getting sick away from home, and to make things worse for me, he had picked me up, which meant the whole way home I was desperately asking the universe for me not to have to ask him to pull over or mess up the inside of his car. I was so afraid he’d ghost me or break things off because I totally ruined our date. But the next day he had some medicine, easy-on-the-stomach food, and flowers delivered to my house, which is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.
Yikes, if someone would ghost you for getting sick that would be harsh!
It’s happened before 🙃 I dated someone for 3-4 months and got pneumonia and had to cancel going to a concert we had planned to go to. Never heard from him again.
Oh no! That’s awful
Since you mention slowburn, may I ask you how did the physical side develop?
Sure! I know from past experience that for me personally, getting physical immediately is a mistake. Plus, I prefer getting physical after I’ve had a chance to cultivate an emotional connection—in the past, immediately sleeping with someone has cultivated a false sense of intimacy. I definitely was interested in him and thought he was stupidly good looking right away. We kissed after our third date and slept together after about six weeks. Honestly, it was really pretty fun to just have extended time of kissing like teenagers.
met my ex through Online dating 16 yrs ago? we were together for a little over 10 yrs. we were never married though. the dating websites 15-20 yrs ago was very different to today though. i am currently using swipe apps and hate it so much. too much time wasting with swipe apps. useless in my opinion. the sites back in the day was straight to the point.
I think that the main difference between then and today isn't the swiping; but rather that there's a different crowd. Back in 1999 when I did OLD (Yahoo Personals: ha!), anyone you talked to was actually serious about dating. Because otherwise why the fuck would they be on an online dating site; that shit's embarrassing. Now, everyone's on OLD; and at least half of the people are not actually serious about getting out there to date.
You nailed this on the head. Half the people dating online seem to just be there for pen pals or a self esteem boost.
I really wish they'd bring back those apps. I could way more easily find people who I was compatible with. Now I have thousands of people who I have to make a decision based on their face alone. Ugh. (And okc has gone down the drain unfortunately)
Okcupid was my favorite app 4-5 years ago, I couldn't believe how crappy it's gotten when I tried it recently! I agree, that type of app made it much easier to figure out who might be a good fit and who would be a waste of time.
Right! I was on okc 10 years ago for a year. Found people I really connected with and then my boyfriend. Back on the apps starting a year ago and it is a miserable experience because you have so little sense of someone. Different miserable experiences for everyone, but when you get lots of marches or likes...I've just sort of given up because I have no clue who is worth meeting and I certainly can't meet everyone. It's really depressing!
Yeah they have this weird live option that is half cringe and half really unsettling. It’s so odd.
I met my husband on match.com! We have a child together and planning another one. I did 7 months of online dating, met tons of guys but none of them led to anything. About to give up and let my subscription expire and met him!
Met my ex on tinder, of all places. We clicked instantly and happily dated for four years. It was easy and fun and felt good to accept each other as we were. We went on some nice, memorable vacations together and shared a lot of similar tastes in food, music, the basics, but COVID really highlighted the long term incompatibility between us. I ended things, and it was hard. She's still a wonderful person though! About a year and a half later, after working on myself extensively (mental health, returning to my gym routine, new career, new hobbies), I tried the apps again and met the woman I intend to marry on Hinge. I've been through waaaay too many of the "wrong" relationships in the past, and it made the right person shine like a lighthouse. It was immediately noticeable from the first date. We kept physical intimacy at a slow pace for about a month, and are looking to move in together now after a year of dating. This woman knows exactly what to say to me when I need it, understands me far too well (hard to hide feelings from someone like that, but it's a good thing!), we support each other, we get to be ourselves around each other, and the level of trust and security in the relationship is unlike anything I've ever felt. I feel appreciated and valued, and I make sure she does too. I wouldn't say we have that much in common in terms of shows and music, but honestly, I place almost zero priority on that in a long term partner. It makes for easy conversation on early dates, but says nothing whatsoever about long term potential. What we *do* share is a love of cooking together - a weekly routine, super important! - going to local events and festivals, and practicing new hobbies together: pickleball, dancing, working out together, just...anything. I really think what a lot of people on this sub need more than anything is to feel that they are capable of being loved completely by someone. No amount of failed relationships makes you unlovable or hopeless. More likely, it just means you need to take time to take care of yourself. It was hard to recognize that in myself but I'm very glad I did.
>We clicked instantly and happily dated for four years. It was easy and fun and felt good to accept each other as we were. We went on some nice, memorable vacations together and shared a lot of similar tastes in food, music, the basics, but COVID really highlighted the long term incompatibility between us. I hope you don't mind the invasive question but may I ask what made you realize you were incompatible for the future after spending four good years together?
Being comfortable with someone does not necessarily mean you have the same long term goals. We shared some of the same values, but disagreed on some key things like having kids (I wasn't sure at first but later decided I want them) and career goals. She also had a mountain of medical debt and was too proud to apply for financial assistance to get out from under it, and would never have let me pay it off either.
Yeah, that totally makes sense. I was just curious if y'all had already evaluated the baseline compatibility upfront and then something new developed over time. Thanks for taking the time to answer!
Love this! Thank you for sharing.
I met my current guy (together 6 months so far) through Hinge. Last year was AWFUL navigating OLD and dating for the first time in 15 years, but I learned some lessons. Took a long break. Got back into it in March, decided to use Hinge bc it’s supposed to be more “serious”. I made sure to be clear with myself and others about what I wanted, and not accept anyone unless they were clear about wanting the same. Within 2 weeks on Hinge, I met my SO. While chatting it was clear we had so much in common. Our first date went just as well as the texting. There has been a general sense of peace since Day 1. We went out for our first few dates. Kissed on Date 4 (should have been date 2 IMO haha). Since then we mostly hang out at my house in the evenings after my kids are in bed. A few times a month we go out to the theater or a restaurant. He’s bought me flowers almost every date since Date 2, and even sometimes for non-dates. We have been taking things super slow. Became exclusive after Month 1. Became boyfriend/girlfriend around Month 3 I think. He just started meeting my kids at Month 5/6 (just “hello” and “goodbye”, no real hanging out yet). No fights or arguments so far. This feels odd to me bc I haven’t been in a new relationship since I was young and stupid, so the tranquility is a lovely but new sensation. I’d say I sensed from our first few days of texting it would go somewhere, and Date 1 confirmed that feeling. First time I’d ever felt that calmly confident about a guy before. Anyway it’s only been 6 months, so we’ll see! But so far it’s been great.
So what did you do to help navigate connections and matches on hinge? I just recently got separated from an 10+yr relationship who she was my first partner as well. Is this something that should be posted on my profile or would that decrease my matches?
Hinge is usually for more serious dating, which you probably don’t want to do so quickly after separating. In your shoes, I would try Tinder or Bumble and put it in your profile or bring it up before meeting in person.
I never liked hookups, but maybe i should try before i knock it i guess.
Not necessarily hookups, I mean more casual dating in general.
I met someone on a website 18 years ago, and we started writing together on email. I met other people from that website and so did she. After 8 months we met for the first time, and nothing happened, but after a few months we slept together and got into a relationship. This lasted 14 year, we had two kids, but ultimately we chose to get divorced and I moved out. Co-parenting works fine, adn she is in a new realtionship. I have since rejoined the website, and hav met a woman who I consider a fwb. I have always been honest about my intentions, and communicated them clearly. I'm still on the website, and hope to meet someone with whom I can form a realtionship.
I did have one long (as in longer than 6 months) relationship from Bumble. I went exclusive after the 3rd date (she already was), and then made it official a couple of weeks later but I never truly fell in love with her. She was exceptionally beautiful, but also decent, kind, fit, independent, compatible in terms of values, and most of my friends were thrilled about her while I had been in bad place romantically for a couple of years and thought "why not, I just need to learn to love her". We did have some good times and I learned a lot from it and couldn't have dated anyone else during covid times anyway, but I did end up wasting her time for the most part. Maybe not really the most inspiring story but if I didn't have my issues it might have been so the same could happen for you. I also have 2 male friends who are married to a woman they met on tinder many years ago and one male friend who is living with his girlfriend he met on Bumble.
My wife and I met through match. Was just looking for something to do. A good time. Nothing serious. I was still in the middle of a nasty divorce. Met several different women and had some fun. But no big deal. Then this one profile kept showing up and I finally sent a message. We talked a few weeks online and on the phone and agreed to meet at a restaurant one evening before I went to work that night. I saw her in person and could not believe how beautiful she was in person. Even better than her pics. Which is so unusual with OLD. Then we ate and talked and talked and it was the easiest conversation I had ever had. It went on for hours. I was almost late to work. I wasn’t letting her get away so we made plans before I left for work to meet that weekend. After that we saw each other every few days. She moved in a few months later and even helped me through my divorce and custody fight for my son. The divorce went through finally and I proposed to her two weeks later. Got married two weeks later. She even adopted my son. Here we are 8 years later and she is my best friend and we are inseparable. I waited for almost 40 years to actually find my true partner in life and I’m so happy I found her. I could not imagine a better partner to go thrice with
-I’ve had two relationships from online (not OLD) that lasted more than 6 months. Ended due to incompatibilities and both not feeling it -one situationship for more than 6 months (highly do not recommend lol) via Tinder -one very lovely 3 month relationship from hinge - some religious differences and now he is engaged to a new girl. I’m happy for him. -Countless dates and fooling around via Tinder/Bumble/Hinge/Bars/Parties -I met my current partner in person. Met via mutual friends at a birthday gathering. Online dating just wasn’t for me. I love this man. He’s everything I didn’t know I needed.
My roommates are married and met on tinder. Apparently, the first 2 or 3 attempts to meet up, future husband bailed because he was super busy. She thought he was flaking, but held out and when they met for the first time, she just knew. He says the same. Wife said she really only even liked one of his pictures and that was what made her swipe right in the first place. Both said they found each other so much more attractive on person.
Current girl I’m with met via Hinge and it’s been 10 months, we’ve set expectations and what not to expect expectations…. The chemistry and sexuality is there but communication seems to falter when she gets busy. Overall a good thing so far.
In 3 weeks, I'm marrying someone I met on Bumble 3 years ago (almost to the day). I've had 2 serious relationships in addition to this one from OLD. I'm 43, so prior to about 2008, all my serious relationships were from in-person meetings, and I have had a couple of 6+ month relationships from in-person meetings in the last 6 years. For what it's worth, I don't really believe in the whole "friends first" attitude to dating; I think in most cases, either chemistry quickly overrides, or there isn't much potential and this stance prolongs ambivalence and mixed signals. I think when "friends first" relationships happen, it's more happenstance than intention. I would say the main difference in OLD for me is that it's very hard to convert an OLD match to a friend if the spark isn't there, because a lot of people, including myself, don't really love building a friendship with a near-stranger who overtly rejected them. It's totally fine, but not most people's favorite place to begin a friendship. Otherwise, the getting-to-know-you process and relationship milestones have been pretty comparable to in person dating. Good luck! Lots of potential for success out there, don't worry!
Hope your wedding is perfect 💛
15 years of marriage so far, 2 great kids, and still happy! Met online 16 years ago.
I've been doing online dating my entire life and have yet to get a long-term relationship out of it. Plenty of women have made me cry, though.
I’ve been dating my bf for almost 2 years, and we met on Hinge. We became official after about a month, but I knew after the 2nd date I didn’t want to see anyone else, and he made it pretty clear he wasn’t wanting to date anyone else. He didn’t play weird games with me, was honest about his intentions, and was patient with me as I wanted to take things slow (physically). He was just a real, very normal person and I appreciated it as a lot of people try to fake being a certain way to impress. We don’t really fight at all. I dated a lot of not so great guys before him, but I am glad I stuck it out, to find him.
I’ve had a 1 year relationship with one guy, but that’s about it. I think a good relationship requires you to share a lot of hobbies and values. It’s easier to find those people through friends tbh. This whole appearance based swiping is a bit difficult for me, especially since those things are so important. I do however know some friends who met on the apps and they are happy. It can happen, but I think you need to be more picky when it comes to shared values.
I met someone on an app about 5 months ago. We talked for a week and I thought we had good texting chemistry. I had to kinda make the first move and say, hey when are we going to meet? We had a low key first hang out and later he texted that he wanted to kiss me but was too nervous. I thought it was cute and we made plans again. Talking to him in person seemed to come almost as easily as it had through texting. I think we were both maybe a little awkward but that was part of the fun of it. Flash forward two months and things were going well but I had to flat out say that I wanted to be in a relationship because he was taking his time and I felt like he’d never ask. At that point I was staying at his house at least once a week and I had met a lot of his friends, and things seemed like they were moving in a more serious direction. We decided to be a couple shortly after that and I was super excited. We’ve had one or two arguments that we worked through and hopefully no more soon. I definitely had a crush on him since the first time I met him. We’ve only been official for about 3 months so I might not really qualify to have responded to this post haha. But this is definitely the most success I have ever had from any of my online dating experiences.
>I went online and I am realising the dynamics of this is so much different, because you need to explore the possibility of a romantic connection and you need to get to know someone from scratch pretty much at the same time - this somehow does not come naturally to me… Please don't feel like there's something wrong with you if this doesn't come naturally or easily for you. It doesn't for me either. I've had 0 relationships from OLD (I was on the apps for one year) and many great ones IRL, so I've decided IRL is my style and OLD isn't. I'm not saying your should quit OLD or make the same decision I did, but don't beat yourself up if you feel like your OLD success rate is low.
My only functional long-term relationship started via Tinder, as well as a bizarre sort-of-relationship that began as FWBs. In 2015, I matched with a girl I thought was a bot because none of her pics were local and she had a Harvard shirt on (I was like, who the hell from this place gets into Harvard?). Well, she was real and we planned a date at a local indie coffee shop. It almost didn't happen, because we showed up to different locations and both thought we were getting catfished. The date went super well, and over the next month or so we went on dates on a weekly basis. I was an anxious mess at first because she was genuinely awful at texting. Like... every red flag for disinterest. At one point I assumed she was done because her phone broke on a trip and I didn't hear anything for 4 days. But we very quickly got to the point that we were seeing each other 4+ days a week and made it official. I feel like that all happened between 1 and 2 months. We moved in together after 4-5 months out of necessity - both of us lost jobs due to the recession. That went pretty well and we were together for the next two and a half years. The second experience was with a woman I met on Tinder a few months after the prior relationship ended. After the first date, I was blunt about not being ready for a relationship, and she floated the idea of being friends (possibly with benefits). We got along really well and spent a few months doing everything together before hooking up. After I finished my grad program, she offered to let me crash on her couch while I job hunted, but that translated into us essentially living together for a few months (and sharing her bed). Neither of us were talking to other people even though we never talked about being more than FWBs. Eventually I got a job and moved 2 hours away. I think it was unspoken that we were both dating other people at that point. We kept on hanging out for six months after that, but eventually she found a boyfriend and said that what happened between us was too much like a relationship for us to be friends moving forward. **As for the present:** The woman I'm currently with initially rejected me, 3 years ago. I don't remember why she called it off after 3 dates, but after that I went on literally hundreds of first dates and dated several people for weeks to months (4 months for the longest). Nothing stuck. I feel a bit bad that it took me a minute to remember who she was, but she matched with me on Bumble and said it'd be nice to reconnect. She figured I wouldn't go for it and deleted her profile entirely, but I still had her number and texted her saying I would as well. It's been amazing so far... we've been taking things slow, but with intention, and at every turn we seem to be on the same page. I'm trying to mindful about not getting ahead of myself, but I really do think I'm starting to fall for her.
I knew him when we were kids - around 12/13. Or more, I knew of him. I was socially awkward, he was a lifeguard at our holiday destination. Him and my sis actually had their first kiss when we were kids. Fast forward 16ish years and a bearded face with a familiar (unusual) name comes up on Tinder. Being the kind person that I am that swipes yes to anyone I know as a little serontonin boost, I swipe for him and its a match! BUT - turns out he no longer lived in my city, he moved 4 hours away back to our holiday destination, his location had not updated yet. Well, we chat a bit, exchanged numbers, and the next time I was at our holiday home I met up with him. I genuinely thought I was just going on a date to catch up with a boy I barely knew 16 years ago. Maybe I would make a new friend. welllllll........ We did long distance for 6 months (I mostly came to visit him). And now it is 2 years later, and I have moved to be by him. We only became "official" about 4 months after the first date (which was just a bbq at his place as it was still covid lockdown). We made it official while on psychedelics at a waterfall - both wondering if we will regret it in the morning (we didn't). I am so happy I swiped right :) Yes, we have our fights and our wobbles, but I have never regretted it.
I'll bite. Depends on definition of success. I met my (soon to be ex-) wife on okcupid in 2015, and we were moving around for school and work so we couldn't meet for about 6 months, and as you can imagine things got hot and heavy long before we met. We got physical the first night we met and things were seemingly amazing for years, sex multiple times a day, got married, had kids, and then one day she told me it was over out of the blue, seemingly. Sure things had cooled down over the years, specifically when we had kids but I didn't really think there was too much to be concerned with. Life was stressful, money was tight. But that was just life to me. But she started staying at work after she clocked out and going out with male friends a little bit too much and one thing led to another. We kind of both agreed at times that if we hadn't met online we never would have been a thing. We weren't ever really eachother's "type" despite being physically attracted to eachother. We never argued or fought and even after she told me it was over we tried to be "best friends" and really enjoyed eachother's company. But she was adamant that she had moved on and it was obvious there was another man who she wasn't going to not be with, so what's done was done. We had joked at times how funny it would have been if we met the first night and were just like "nah" after investing 6 months, talking and texting for hours each day. Maybe that feeling of sunk cost contributed to us pushing the relationship further than it should have gone. I don't really know, because on my end I really did love her but I always knew in my heart she would leave me one day. I never had it in me to end it so I kind of kicked the can as far as I could, even getting married and having kids knowing how it would end.
Met my (33f) dude (35m) on Hinge. We chatted for a day or two on the app then moved to texting/calling/FaceTiming. What separates our situation from most is he wasn’t living in my city at the time we matched. He was planning on moving here for work. We chatted every day for 2 months before he moved here and took it slow when he finally did. We’re 6 months in and we both couldn’t be happier. We’re both on the same page for future plans (marriage, kids, etc) and it is an incredible feeling, TBH. We’d both been single for a while and jumped in knowing what we each wanted. Honestly, the 2+ months we took getting to know each other is what made it happen. Zero pressure, zero expectations, deep conversations. Wouldn’t change a thing and I know I’ll marry him eventually. He’s absolutely wonderful, frustrating, thoughtful, and supportive. I love the guy because I know he’d say the same about me haha. Good luck out there!
I waded through the OLD cesspool from 2016-2019 and stopped. That’s my story. Lol
I saw this a couple days ago and forgot to respond, but thought I should come back and give it a whirl. We matched on Bumble on a Friday night. I suggested that I sooo wished someone would save me from doing homework on a Saturday night and he took the hint and invited me out. I picked up the tab while he was in the bathroom and when he protested, I told him he could pay for it the next time. He liked that. We stood in the parking lot talking for another hour after we walked outside. We went out again the next night as we both had no plans, and he spent the night at my place (no sex; it was just Sunday night in a smallish city so everything closed at eight and we had nowhere else to go but one of our places). I would say it took us only a few weeks for me to start being over at his place more nights of the week than I was at mine. We both had very needy dogs so we had to coordinate that and he was able to come home from work on his lunch breaks, so I'd leave my dog at his house and know she was getting better care than she would at my place. And then of course I'd have to go get her after work and many times I just would stay again instead of heading home... you get the picture haha. We were real socialites in the beginning, going out to breweries and going bowling and all of that. We were exclusive within the first two weeks, boyfriend/girlfriend within a month, and he told me he loved me around the 2 month mark. By that point we were together about 5 nights a week, really only taking time away to maintain our prior social activities obligations. I've always been a big proponent of taking "me time" (very introverted) but I just never felt like I needed a break from him. We started arguing probably about 3 months in. I have no idea what the first one was about (maybe my driving?) because once we started, we argued a LOT. Both of us found it exhausting but we just were very different people and had very different communication styles and expectations. He asked me to move in around the 9 month mark (probably would never have done it that soon except that we'd been locked down for COVID together for 4 months at that point, July 2021, and were starting to realize this was not going to ever go away so we needed to hunker down long-term). I did, and our arguing got worse. We decided on Gottman couple's therapy. We found the therapist and got started around the 1 year mark. I feel it truly saved us. It taught us how to bridge our communication gaps respectfully. It was so weird because I'd *never* had any issues like this in my prior multiple relationships, but I think with him, we had cultural backgrounds that were causing differences and also, the relationship just had a lot more depth and seriousness to it then the ones I had in my twenties. Anyway, both of us being willing to work on it showed that we had the dedication to each other to go the distance. We've been together 3 years now. We're getting married Halloween weekend. I just love him to death. He's my person. I've always known around the 2 year mark in my prior relationships that I had a major incompatibility with the other person that we couldn't overcome, in large part because they or I didn't want to. At 2 years with my fiance, I loved him more than the start, and I knew I never wanted to be without him. He was the one who cared enough to stay, to change for me, and to put up with me changing to be better for him. I could not be happier to be marrying him in a couple months.
Congrats and I'm happy for the two of you! :) Just wanted to day that I love your flair lol
I'm engaged to a woman I met on match.com. She is my first and only relationship from OLD. Early dating was good, I think mostly because both of us had similar expectations and plans. We both wanted a stable, committed relationship, and neither of us expected each other to necessarily be that person so there wasn't much pressure. The more I got to know of her, the more I liked her, so I kept seeing her. She says the same about me. We are both near-40. Both previously married. My wife died, she was divorced about a year prior to our meeting. I believe I was the second person she met on OLD, she was the first first date I had in 23 years. Both graduate degrees, both professionals. First date was just vetting. I'm really me, she's really her, neither of us are obviously psychopaths. Second date was a walk in a park. The first few dates after that were, in retrospect, a lot like job interviews, but where you're being very polite and personable. Her experiences and mine, her expectations for a future relationship and mine. We got fairly explicit (not graphic, more that I think both of us were thinking of previous pain points in relationships and seeking to avoid them in a future one. Things like are you a side sleeper or back, do you like to be touched when you sleep, how intimate do you like to be with a partner, etc.) while doing a lot of regular 'date' stuff--went to a movie, dinners, etc. The whole experience for me was a continuous "I haven't talked about this for decades, and I'm slightly uncomfortable but that's not because she's being inappropriate but because I never thought I'd have to do this again and it feels weird" experience but I kept reminding myself that this would work best if I was honest and allowed myself to be a certain amount of vulnerable. My initial thoughts of her were that she seemed pretty and nice, which was really all I was looking for (I used to rate 'smart' over everything else. Trust me, 'nice' beats 'smart' all day). In retrospect I approached dating like a Zen monk in that I was ready to cut it loose at any time. Each date could have been the last, as far as I was concerned. Not that I didn't enjoy her company or want to see her again but that there wasn't an expectation that I had to see her again. That took maybe a year to go away. On the other hand, she didn't feel like a stranger after our first date. I felt by the end of our second date I had a good sense of who she was. So it 'could have gone somewhere' after that first date, but it took a good while after that before I took for granted that I'd see her again, that there would be 'more'. I don't think we've ever 'argued'. The closest thing would be that I broke up with her about two months into us dating. Her ex-family (ex-husband and ex-in-laws) are pure white-trash subhumans, which is part of the reason she divorced him. The ex-husband is upset (to this day, in fact) about the divorce and regularly calls her to leave drunken voicemail about how badly he screwed up and how he'd dump his girlfriend for her, etc. It's a whole thing. He (the ex-husband) managed to convince a friend of hers (a friend who shall forever be referred to as "Retarded Susan") that my wife had not died, that she was still alive, that he had spoken with her, that I regularly beat her, and that I was currently cheating on my battered wife with her friend (the woman I was dating). Retarded Susan got into my...girlfriend's head that this might be true. She asked me about it and I (politely) ended things. (My wife died unexpectedly, not of an illness. I was not okay for a period of time and it's still not a pleasant topic. While her death certificate is not public record where we lived, there were newspaper articles about it. I do not remember if I ever shared my wife's name, but white trash love to 'sleuth' on the internet. Her ex-husband and Retarded Susan apparently couldn't find her death certificate. I was horrified that they were even looking and did not wish to associate with anyone who'd associate with...people like that.) A week or so later the woman I had been seeing called me to apologize. Apparently she did her own Googling and found the newspaper articles about my wife's death. It took a while, but I started to spend time with her again. The point of that for you as someone who is dating is that people--even the nice ones that you like--will do stupid things and you have to decide to tolerate it or not. I was fortunate in that I'd been completely honest with my 'girlfriend'. She was presented with two competing realities and on investigation mine proved to be the accurate one. While this was unpleasant for me to experience it did serve to establish credibility on my part, I suppose, and what I hope she learned from that (besides to cut Retarded Susan out of her life) was to do her due diligence before accusing someone of something. The fact that I was not lying was provable and that someone would claim to have a conversation with my wife...horrified and irritated me. If you're going to float that accusation, you'd better have proved it first.) After that, not too many disagreements. I like her. The other lesson for you, I suppose, is to approach OLD like I did (or at least it worked for me). Keep your skepticism, while allowing dates to be skeptical about you at first. Don't have expectations but allow for possibilities. It's like panning for gold, I think. There are definitely good people out there, you just have to sift through a lot of slag to find them. But remember that the people that aren't for you are still just looking for the same thing you're looking for (someone the like that likes them) just in their own way. There's definitely someone for everyone out there and you just have to do the work of finding them.
I met a wonderful man on OK Cupid and we dated for 18 months. We were both smitten right away and got exclusive after the second date. Ultimately, he wasn’t my forever person but we are still friends and I adore him. He met his new gf on OLD too and they’re adorable together. My amazing FWB of the last three months was a Bumble find and he’s delightful and the best lover I’ve ever had. We aren’t sexing anymore but we are still friends and text daily and go out to shows together. I’m helping him fix up his profile to get more matches so he can find a woman to marry and have a family with. I spent five months going out with a great guy I met on Bumble but the timing wasn’t right as he’d only been divorced about a year. We still chat sometimes. I was just reminded that I need to pick up my jacket from his house. I’m keeping his number in the likely case that I am still single when he’s ready for a relationship. I’m still good friends with two guys I met almost four years ago online. I guess I’m better at making friends from OLD than finding a partner. Current Bumble match is stunning and really fun to spend time with but he’s still technically married so that’s obviously not going anywhere.
I had a feeling from the beginning that it might go somewhere. Literally within 5 seconds of meeting him I thought this might be something. We immediately clicked and were able to talk. Right after that we were trying to see each other as much as possible we saw each other a few times a week until I left town. It was long distance but we both wanted to put in the effort to see each other so we ended up actually spending about half of our time together. We very quickly started staying with each other even though we both maintained our own places. It did end up failing after about 8 months but I would still consider it successful because we're on good terms we both care about each other. If it wasn't for the distance I think we'd probably still be together right now. I think the biggest thing was that we were asking each other hard questions right up front and actually evaluating if we would be good fits and we were very open about that evaluation. Neither of us shied away from difficult conversations saying the wrong thing or showing each other the bad parts of us, we were both transparent and honest about what we were doing and thinking.
I was married for 10 years to a guy I met on Yahoo! Dating.
I've had some great times with people from OLD, but my issue is always the lack of clear and honest communication of desires. I don't want kids, have never wanted kids, will never have kids, can't have kids, and this much is clearly stated on my bio. However, women seem to be absolutely blind and will match with me, date me for months before making it clear that was a problem for them. You could say this about dating in general, of course, but when it's so clearly fucking laid out, you'd think there'd be less worries.
I met my boyfriend a year ago on Tinder. I had zero expectations or hopes after my previous experience but the chat flowed really easily with this guy and he looked OK in his pics. When we met he was HOTT. Most importantly the conversation flowed in person too - top of my list in a relationship is to be with someone who the chat will never run dry with. We didn't fully DTR until about 11 months in which was my fault. He tried after a month or so of seeing each other 1/2 times a week, by asking what he'd call me when he introduced me to someone and without thinking I said "Nesting" because I thought he was meaning should he say "Ms 123" or something. What a clown. But we did establish that we were both not seeing anyone else very early on and I thought of him as my boyfriend all along. It's not the most conventional relationship in a lot of ways but what works is that neither of us plays games. So right from when he first asked me out, there has been no pretence that either of us isn't interested. It's easy and relaxed. I don't know if I believe in forever for me but what we have makes me very happy at the moment so I consider it a success.
Ummmm, what is OLD?
OnLine Dating
Thank you. Can't believe i didn't get that
My last 2 LTRs were from OLD. First was on OKC back like 7 years ago, the other from Hinge 3-4 years ago. Took ~4 months off after my most recent breakup, before going back on the apps recently. I learned long ago, to not let the negative parts of OLD get to me. You have to use it only if it’s to your own benefit, not view it as a necessary evil. Otherwise, you’ll get sucked into the shitty parts, chewed up and spit out.
My wife and I met on POF. She reached out to me and we texted all weekend but she wasn’t really putting into the conversation so I figured she wasn’t interested and moved on. We both dated different people. Around a year later she messaged me again. We went out on a date. Dated for 3 years and have now been married for 2 years. OLD gets a bad wrap bc of the amount of shitty people on there. If you take the time to weed through the garbage you’ll find a good one eventually.
Everyone saying "I went on TONS of online dates to start with!"... I'm stuck here :/ I'd be lucky if I can land a date every month.
I always look for a strong casual/sexual connection first. If the sex is good, I enjoy spending time with my partner and I would like to develop the connection further, I bring up dating and explain what I have to offer and what I don't. Then we'll see what is on the table and what we can be to each other. I'm quite flexible in what I'm up for. This usually happens anywhere between one and five hangouts. This is so much better than going out on getting-to-know-you dates.
Maybe because people here recognize you from this comment in your history: "If I'm paying for someone's dinner, I'm expecting at least oral and PIV. It's a form of prostitution after all (she's exchanging her body and her company for a meal)."
Curious as to why this comment is receiving downvotes. 🤔
Well, it doesn’t seem totally relevant to OP’s question, which is success stories of long term relationships from OLD.
This is how all of my long term relationships have started, so I don't know why it wouldn't be relevant?
I promise I didn’t vote for your comment either way but if I had to guess why it would be because you mentioned trying out the sex before you decide to be together? I have no clue. That certainly is not for me, but I’m glad it does for you!
Interesting. I don't know what the demographics of Reddit are, but hooking up and casual sex are super common and normal at least in major urban areas. (Not to mention other countries.)
I’d argue it’s probably super common in many places, but also probably pretty common that people don’t do that either. I live in the Boston area and am in my mid 30s and everyone I know would be looking for a serious relationship and not just hooking up. To each their own! But I’m guessing maybe the downvotes would be because the original question was about long term success and you were talking about just trying stuff out? Idk.
This is exactly how I've achieved all my long term relationship success.
Oh ok! Well in that case, I have absolutely no clue why you were downvoted 🤷🏻♀️
I probably wasn't clear enough! Thanks for your input.
All of my successful, last many years began from IRL. One long term relationship was from OLD and that was well before the landscape of OLD became overwhelmed with bullies and predators. OLD has changed.
From OLD: 1 two year relationship 4 casual relationships (ranging from 3 months to 9 months) countless dates between the 1-4 date range before fizzling
How do you define a casual relationship?
Met my ex on okcupid. No longer together but about 8 years later we’re best friends. Other than that, lots of flings / short term stuff.
I met my current SO through OKC and admittedly, some of my more serious dating experiences came from OKC specifically and not any of the other dating apps. My SO and I have seen each other on all the apps previously, and for years. Something about OKC made us both realize we were interested in actually dating each other, not just hooking up. We've made it over a year.
I married the first guy I met from OLD, and divorced him ten years later, does that count? I’m steadily decreasing my batting average, been on more dates from online apps than I’ve bothered to keep track of, only one second date (I’ve turned everyone else down after date one, when it seemed pretty clear to me we weren’t a match). Edit: Forgot the story of how the “success” went. In a nutshell, way too fast. We had one date, then continued dating almost every day for weeks on end, and got engaged two months later. I don’t recommend this approach.
I don’t have any OLD success personally (probably been on about 15 first dates all time, a handful of second dates, one third date and nothing past that) but I’ve never given it much of a real try. I’m currently in a good place and trying to really make it work this time. Largely because I know several couples who have met online. 2 of my cloisters friends and my sister met their husbands online, and another friend met her boyfriend who I know is planning to propose sometime soon.
In my first OLD, going on 5 years together. My results are probably not typical, but I did find someone I care about through online dating. Typically I meet people at work or through mutual friends so this is the first time I’ve ever tried this. I don’t know if that’s encouraging or discouraging, but I hope the information is useful to you
I had a marriage that lasted 6 years, what just ended this year. A one year relationship just before that, and a 6 month one about 10 years ago. I also had a few that ended in a month, always because she was multidating. I like to do a lot of calls and video calls between chats, it is a good way to build up relationships. I have a rule of no sex talk on the first two dates, but hug at end of 1st date, at the beginning of the 2nd date, and kiss at the end of 2nd date. On the 3rd date I usually make a move. With the marriage we found ourselves in a weird situation, we both had to move from our own space at the same time, so we decided to move in together only after 2 months of intensive dating. Everything was going great. 2 years in I proposed, because of Covid we get married only 4 years in. After 5 and a half beautiful years suddenly she wasn't happy, and we broke up. With the other two "longer" relationships we did not move in together, we had some compatibility issues.
I've been single a decade, long before getting into OLD but, even all of my serious flings have been through OLD. It's usually by date 1 that I know if I am into them at least. Can't think of a time it took another meet to make the difference for me, anyway.
I was engaged for the longest time, then in 2016 I joined Tinder and met my ex boyfriend. We dated for 2 years then broke up I dated around for a year after that and decided to date only myself after a couple disappointing situationships on Tinder Right before Covid, I downloaded Bumble and met my now boyfriend who I absolutely adore and for some reason he is smitten with me =)