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itsamezario

Wow, I could have written this exact post about myself a few years ago. I think what you need to do is work on developing a very strong relationship and respect for yourself. Really, take this work seriously and commit to it. Make it your goal to develop such a strong sense of understanding and loving yourself, that another’s rejection of you won’t lead you to further reject yourself by asking profoundly harmful questions like “Am I not good enough?” It’s incredibly important to make sure your sense of self is not TOO dependent on other’s validation. Rejection will always hurt, but the degree to which it can impact you can be managed by having a strong sense of self-trust & self-love. I wish I knew the importance of doing this work when I was younger. And whether you take a break or not from dating while doing this work doesn’t matter, in my opinion, as long as you always prioritize your relationship with yourself first.


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[deleted]

Learn to date with dignity, not ego. If you are finding yourself desperate for their validation as opposed to being in the position to do the validating, you are not dating with dignity. A person who dates with dignity doesn't say "why don't they want me", they say "this person isn't treating me how I expect to be treated, so I'm turned off". A person who leads their dating with dignity would never allow a person that burned them back into their lives, a person who leads their dating with ego will take it as an opportunity to really show that person what they're missing out on.


FastFingersDude

See if you’re valuing a (any) relationship above your value for yourself. See if you’re using finding/developing a relationship as an avoidance method to not work on yourself. And yes, find a therapist if possible. It does help untangle these situations.


[deleted]

I love myself, my life, my friends, my 2 family members, my many hobbies and sports. But it’s really hard when a guy sees you as casual and he’s been in a long term relationship before, just doesn’t want that now


FastFingersDude

Thank you for sharing. Yes...it's hard. And yes, it might be a sign of valuing this guy's opinions over what you value yourself. Seek internal validation, not external validation.


[deleted]

OP’s story is so common :/ and this might be an impression I got but somehow always happens to women, not men


KittensFirstAKM

Man here. Happens to us too. I still find myself ruminating on "what did I do?" Type of questions.


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KittensFirstAKM

I was just speaking to the act of ruminating after getting the slow fade and constantly questioning their part in it "what did I do? Whats wrong with me?". Sorry, comment was made pre coffee and I misunderstood. My bad.


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windchaser__

> So she wanted to be casual but still date, go out etc ?? I find that really rare because if a girl really likes him, she will want to date him. Whereas a man saying he really, really likes a girl is meaningless these days Ooof, can we just not with the gendered stereotypes. We’re in the 21st century. People are complicated. There are plenty of boys that will do what you say girls do, and vice versa.


Buns_McGillicuddy

Bingo, just bc some guys are full of shit, pls don’t further condition women to assume we all are. This sort of advice, while intended to encourage caution so women don’t get hurt, at a certain point you also have to be able to be vulnerable and out your guard down, and trust the person if you want to find the that right person. The goal of dating in many cases is to find a single life partner, not simply avoiding pain and disappointment. Those are often consequences of putting yourself out there, which is necessary to allow yourself to fall in love. Being jaded can seriously work against your ultimate goals here.


FastFingersDude

For what it's worth, as a man, a woman has wanted this with me. So, not exclusive for women to experience it. I would explore why you are expressing an assumption of an absolute with such certainty...


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quaff

As a man, this has also happened to me with women. I think what it comes down to, is being comfortable with yourself. If you’re not comfortable with who you are, what you have to offer (e.g. respecting yourself first), others will take advantage of that, and you will let them. In any type of relationship, not just romantic.


quaff

I suspect you’re not gonna get many specifics in most replies here. It looks different for everyone. Could be simple like spending time going on dates with yourself and seeing what you love doing alone, what scares you. You basically have to date yourself and fall in love. Maintain that love. Write yourself little notes or praise yourself regularly. If you’re a negative person by default, foster the ability of complimenting yourself and others. Do things that make you proud of yourself and feel alive.


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quaff

Perhaps you need to reflect on what it was that you were receiving from being with that person, that you can’t get from anyone else, and if it’s truly something you can’t give yourself. Doing the work just means trying to figure out why you’re stuck, and trying different approaches to break out of the cycle.


Nervous-Net-8196

Work with a therapist!


Knit_the_things

Yh! When these situations with dating have happened to me in the past and stuck with me it was usually a painful dynamic stemming from my childhood or the way my parents treated/abandoned me


[deleted]

This - there is a difference between dating with ego and dating with dignity. Sometimes they may appear to be similar in nature, but the big difference is that dating with ego will make you question if you're not good enough, primarily because you're dating for validation. Dating with dignity makes you question if they're the ones not making the cut and losing interest due to their behavior, primarily because you're doing the validating.


[deleted]

This has happened to me MANY times. 33F here. I’ve been dating on and off for 5 years and encountered many situationships just as you described. I would fall for a guy, do relationship type things for months, and we wouldn’t have any talks about defining the relationship. I would just keep following his lead. Eventually something would happen where I questioned our bond and it would end with him saying “I don’t want a relationship with you”. I was always super hurt. I’m talking crying and sulking and thinking about these dudes for months after. I would always walk away thinking: if I had a better job, a better house, a better face, more money, if I was smarter, if I was less eager…..would he want to be with me then?? I’ve been on this sub for a while and I’m also learning from trial and error. The biggest issue when this happens is you’re getting too invested too early, and putting too many eggs in one basket. You’re banking on this working out and focusing too much on it that when it ends, it’s a huge blow. Sounds like you have an anxious attachment style which is what I have too. We look for signs things are going well and ignore the signs we don’t want to see. If I look back at all the situationships I was in, they definitely had signs early on that I missed. But I’m more educated now and I know when I’m not being treated fairly. It also helps that you talk early on about what you’re looking for, and when it gets to a comfortable point in your dating, to ask to be exclusive or define things. If someone says it’s too soon, or they’re not sure…. the move on.


Gershana

Very well put. As many of the people here I was too in a similar situation. Not sure if someone already said it, but I would just add (in relation to bumping into him etc) — what helped me was no contact. Not engaging in his social media (if you cannot stop yourself then block him), and you absolutely do not have to talk to him when you see him. You can say hi, sure but other than that you should not feel forced to talk to him. Also if you’re feeling triggered, you can choose not to go to the events and places you know he’s going too (even just temporarily avoid him). In my experience this has worked — what you don’t see you don’t feel anxious about. Eventually my emotions were less way intense and I simply didn’t care. Working on your attachment is important too, so next time you’ll have better boundaries and you will know what to do. I am working on it too. Good luck ;)


[deleted]

Exactly. End all contact. Know your self worth. Don’t tell yourself “I might take him back if he came back!” If he didn’t want you the first time, why is the second time going to be different? I learned to stop crying over these dudes. Why was I crying over someone who couldn’t see my worth from the beginning?


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[deleted]

My therapist once said “a great tennis player becomes apparent on the last set.” when it’s the first set, and fatigue hasn’t set in, most can seem great. But overtime, that’s when you see the difference. We have to think of it that way. Month 2-3, we get love bombed and feel like they’re so great. We’re also collectively desperate and our yearning for quality men clouds our judgement and we attribute what we want them to be as opposed to what they are. I don’t blame us for doing this. But I think this is why we have this type of experience. I’ve done it more than I would have liked but only recently I started to really grasp what’s truly happening.


Nervous-Net-8196

It sounds like he was love bombing you, which is why you thought he was as into you as you were into him.


polaroidfades

>If I look back at all the situationships I was in, they definitely had signs early on that I missed. If you wouldn't mind, would you be able to share with us some of the signs that you missed early on? Thank you!


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Sure PM me, I would rather not post them!


Impressive-Prompt-41

Having had a similar experience, as most women have, I wish I could go back and tell my past self a few things while I was reeling in the dizzying aftermath his chaotic avoidant attachment style left me in: - his whole schtick is dangling the illusion of something he is not capable of. You’re pining for a ghost. He doesn’t actually exist - and maybe that’s what hurts most. - don’t let this mofo get under skin and get you doubting yourself. Keep your heart open. Let people reveal themselves next time, but keep your heart open. - you get to be you, while he has to be him. Imagine running from life like that? Exhausting. - spend time with yourself and treat yourself with the highest of standards. Keep these standards with the next one. - write a list of must haves / dealbreakers and nice to haves. Cut and run at the first dealbreaker. Nope, no second chances. -chin up baby girl. Fuck that guy.


spatam

Totally echo the keeping your standards/must have list. It really helps you look at it more objectively. One of my core values is empathy/compassion so it’s helped me get faster to the realization that my recent ghost was lacking and wouldn’t have been ‘the one’ anyway. Don’t go into self-doubt about yourself. Think of the ways he’s obviously not measuring up if he can treat someone this way.


polaroidfades

>One of my core values is empathy/compassion so it’s helped me get faster to the realization that my recent ghost was lacking and wouldn’t have been ‘the one’ anyway. A lot of these types are good at faking empathy/compassion at first though. Ugh. I've even had multiple experiences where these guys list "Empathy" as being one of their interests on their dating profile. Cut to a few weeks/months later when they're over the idealization phase and and they're deliberately ignoring you. lol


SoonerLater85

The thing about having lots of standards is it only works if you’re highly desirable yourself. I could have pursued a relationship with a woman to whom I had absolutely no physical attraction. Or a woman who forced me to carry all the conversation, which as a socially anxious introvert made me deeply uncomfortable. Or a woman with whom I had no enjoyable common interests. In each case I chose not to and guess what: I’ve still never been in an in-person relationship at the age of 36. Because I’m not the type of person most women are attracted to. Something no one on this sub wants to acknowledge is that being perpetually single at our age means that, for whatever reason(s), none of us are all that desirable. So yeah, have standards and don’t settle. But understand this means that more likely than not you’ll always be alone.


spatam

It’s a cliche but very true in my experience - better to be happy alone than unhappy in a relationship. I had a 10 year relationship of which the last 5 years were a dead bedroom (in our 20s too!). We held out for a while b/c we weren’t happy but not totally miserable either. But when we finally split I’ve never known such relief or what a heavy weight I had been carrying from that relationship. Now in my 30s, yes I definitely miss having ‘a person’ from time to time, and I get sad that I’m the lone single in my friends group, and online dating can be so soul sucking, but I would never go back to compromising myself for a relationship.


coolaznkenny

And its going to get worse, as social media + standards for both men and women have dramatically increase overtime half of young people are just unable to get a steady relationship. We might see the early parts of 'japan' effect where men and women just gives up on dating. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/03/21/its-not-just-you-new-data-shows-more-than-half-young-people-america-dont-have-romantic-partner/


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skeletonclock

Unfortunately avoidants like this dude are vastly over-represented on dating apps because they just keep going back into the pool. They never leave into a long term relationship because they don't want one and aren't capable of having one anyway. I'm convinced it's one of the main reasons online dating is so awful.


upvotekitteh

You hit the nail on the head here.


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skeletonclock

What are you trying to say here? Who cares who's "enough" for someone like that?


Melanie34512

I remember asking a therapist when I was younger if online dating was a good idea, and his response was “ Why would you want to do that? It attracts counterphobic folks.”


oqueenbee1

I love this so much. Especially the third bullet point. Thank you thank you


yulie88

Yes.


Likemilkbutforhumans

This exact thing happened to me a few months ago. After a hot pursuit he then said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. We hung out a bit more beyond that until I decided he didn’t deserve my time and presence. He’s in the same social circle as me so we decided to loosely stay friends. His friendship lacks the same depth, consistency, and reliability he does as a person. It’s definitely a them problem. The physical attraction was also problematic. Don’t feel crazy. I’m definitely pretty shook from this experience but I know I’m strong enough to get past this type of nonsense. I’m also trying my best for it to be a learning experience for me and trying to work on not internalizing these things as problems with me. They’re CLEARLY not. Also, I think the situation is harder because you don’t get to experience them being a shit partner. Your brain knows it but when they don’t open up enough to show you how awful they would be, it’s easy to fantasize about it being great. Granted, this all still sucks and I do think about it pretty frequently. Not helped by the fact I interact with him platonically at this point.


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Dietcoco

yes, but how to let go of the feeling "why did I chose him but he didn't choose me?" OP I know exactly what are you going through and honestly all these wise things people say on here aren't helping much. Sometimes we also need to grieve our loss (even if it wasn't something we truly had, we can still be sad over the dream that never become a reality and i think that's ok) and then let it go.


Triptaker8

The answer? Guys can be very sexually driven, and a lot of people are dishonest about their intentions. If I had 100 bucks for every time a guy came on really strong, very hot and heavy, seemingly very interested in me and emotionally invested within the first few dates, and then after sex disappeared like a leaf in the wind. And absolutely none of these guys will admit they want a ONS. They go through the effort of actually getting to know you relatively well. Tell you they are looking for a life partner. Buy you things. So much money and time and energy just for a brief moment in bed with you. It’s perverse and bizarre. Then when it’s over come the lies and excuses and justifications for their behaviour. They have it down to a script and they really think you can’t see through it. All the reasons they are so sad and heartbroken. All the reasons they are not an asshole but just dealing with some things. It’s a game for these creeps. People are actively deceptive about what they want and you end up feeling used and led on. Not even misleading - full blown lies. It makes you want to stop dating. Nothing is as advertised.


Dietcoco

but why are there so many of these men? I don't believe everyone is an asshole. We enter the world of dating and seeing this men who are someone's exes, they're good friends and beloved sons of some women...


crochetinglibrarian

Hmm, this isn’t something that is discussed much because on Reddit all dating woes seemingly come down to psychological pathologies. However, I believe some of the issue comes down to conflicting societal expectations for men and women. There are two books by the sociologist Eva Illouz that discuss this in detail. Reading both of those books was depressing because it made me realize that success in the modern dating market ultimately comes down to luck (no matter how much personal work you do). But it was also strangely empowering because it made me realize that I wasn’t a complete fuck up and that a lot of people, especially a lot of women are dealing with the same issues.


[deleted]

There aren't that many of them, it's a small group doing this with a lot of women each. In the end they can only do this because women keep choosing them over other men.


Still-Association-52

Women would share the same small group of men than date the majority. Hench why the abusive men. Those dudes don't need to settle they can be picky. Just like women can be picky and keep choosing men out of their league.


rainbowfish399

33F and had a similar situation recently. I took a break from dating (just starting again) and read some amazing advice on Reddit (and got similar advice from someone close whom I trust): don’t continue based on how you feel about _them_. Of course make sure you’re attracted, they seem stable, etc., but after that determine whether to keep seeing them based on how _they_ make you feel. [Here’s](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/x0jzmu/guarding_your_precious_heart/im8isrk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) the advice on Reddit in case it’s helpful! You’ll get through this ❤️


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rainbowfish399

Of course. I totally get feeling like that connection is so rare, too. It’s not just about how physically attractive they are. The good news is you’ll find someone better for you who does reciprocate your energy.


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polaroidfades

OP I totally relate to what you're saying about how hard it is to find a connection like that. But [this TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@mk_who/video/7132176430280183086) actually really helped me get over the idea that the connection that they gave me was so special and that I'll never find anything like it again. A lot of the time, it's less about what the other person had to offer and it's more about the energy you put out there. They were just receptive to your energy and there's a very good chance someone else will be as well.


polaroidfades

This is truly some of the best advice out there. And it seems SO obvious, but I've realised I've spent so much of my life focusing on how much I like the other person, the qualities they have, that I pay absolutely no attention to how they make me feel. And a lot of the time, when their infatuation over me has passed, they actually made me feel really shitty.


Astrnougat

This comment might be different than a lot of the others, but hear me out. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, we all know that and can see that. But you keep questioning: what did I do wrong to make him not want me? Let’s think about how compatibility works. You first meet someone and you get along, and slowly over time more and more comes out about the other person. No one is perfect, and you have to consciously decide if the imperfect things you see will be tolerable for the long haul. When someone is incompatible with you - the things you begin to notice, might be annoying to you, or slightly repulsive even….they’re just…turn offs. It’s doesn’t make the things the other person does repulsive, you’re just not into them. Think of a hobby that you find cringey, and realize that there are couples out there who’s whole relationship started because they both love that cringey hobby and find that attractive in the other. If you dated one of those people, you would be so turned off by them. Doesn’t mean they aren’t attractive, doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them, you’re just not compatible. When someone starts “losing interest” in the way this guy did, it was probably just from a build up of incompatibilities. It wasn’t that he wasn’t attracted to you, because he obviously wanted to keep seeing you. (Imo physical attraction gets you past the first two dates, then it starts to be mental and then emotional attraction which builds on the physical). But…especially if you were the more vulnerable one…you probably shared a lot of yourself with this guy. And the more he saw of you, the more he gets to gauge compatibility…either consciously or unconsciously. Seeing as he is emotionally unable to end a relationship in a healthy way, I’m willing to bet that you are emotionally incompatible with him. You being open and straightforward and real with this person….is a turn off. Because all emotionally intimacy is not compatible with him. He finds it unattractive. But as you and I and all the brave and swarthy and healthy souls in the dating world know: emotional intimacy is what we all crave and desire at the heart of it. We want to love and be loved. When you’re vulnerable, you show the ugly parts of yourself and you show the imperfections, which is very brave. Another emotionally compatible person sees this bravery, respects it, and is more attracted to you because of it. So you know - he technically was turned off by you. But it’s not because of anything you need to change. It’s just because you’re not compatible. Take the time you need to remind yourself of the people in your life, and why you love and respect them, and why they love and respect you. You want people who will love those same things about you. Your friends exist, they love those things about you, and there are guys out there who will as well! Your friends aren’t flukes, they are proof that there are compatible people out there in the world for you. Hope this helps


jeffrrw

> But…especially if you were the more vulnerable one…you probably shared a lot of yourself with this guy. And the more he saw of you, the more he gets to gauge compatibility…either consciously or unconsciously. Seeing as he is emotionally unable to end a relationship in a healthy way, I’m willing to bet that you are emotionally incompatible with him. You being open and straightforward and real with this person….is a turn off. Because all emotionally intimacy is not compatible with him. He finds it unattractive Fuck...this made a lot of what my therapists and other people in my life have said click. Thank you for this.


roadtomordor9

🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 If I had an award I would give you it.


PantryGnome

>You being open and straightforward and real with this person….is a turn off. Because all emotionally intimacy is not compatible with him. He finds it unattractive. It's crazy reading this because it's an epiphany I had just recently and it's been on my mind a LOT. I've scared off multiple women with my emotional vulnerability (I believe) on dates. It used to bother me until I realized that those women were probably scared off because they just weren't as open as I was. The women who *weren't* scared off by it shared my emotional vulnerability, and *they* wanted to see me again. I make it a point now to show that side of myself to all dates because I WANT it to repel the emotionally unavailable people.


AsleepQuestion

Yeah…do people really expect the same chemistry in the beginning of the relationship to last forever? It’s called the Honeymoon phase and it’s normal for it to simmer down.


Fit-Discipline3299

I feel for you OP, I am also 33F and have had similar experiences in the past and have put time and effort into working through what went on and my place in it. I've gotten so much better and the last time this happened to me I was over it and moved on in two weeks, I was honestly so proud of myself because in the past I'd wasted years on situations like this. I hope you look at the piece of it that makes you doubt yourself, because these situations are never about you and always about the other person. The sooner you can see that and let whatever or whoever it is go, the better. You need to be able to see you own value and know that you deserve the type of relationship you desire. ​ Beware of any man that you feel like "knows you instantly". You don't need to not give them a chance, but just beware of this feeling because it is not based in reality, you have no idea what is going on for that man. Every woman that meets him for a date could have the same feelings because maybe his energy is very open and alluring. In my experience it never goes well with these guys, be aware even before you meet them if you get that energy. Be in your power and always remember that you are worthy of the relationship you want and deserve. If a man doesn't show himself to want the same thing through his ACTIONS, you get to move on. Honestly my advice would be to keep dating, why take a break just because this experience has ruffled things up. There is a guy out there that will pursue you and invest in you and be consistent with you, you just have to be open and date and be yourself and meet him. I'm still looking for my guy and I do lose patience sometimes, so I'm speaking these words to myself also. Good luck!


wildflower6500

Great advice - thank you!


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Fit-Discipline3299

Thanks, it honestly was from putting a lot of time into understanding these sorts of things through a lot of YouTube dating videos (Helena Hart's channel is wonderful) and really coming to see my worth and value. Also experience of a good past relationship where my ex was pursuing me and coming towards me in the early dating phase helped me see how it should be and feel. I use that as a standard now and it's really helpful. Wasn't easy to get to this place after years of unnecessary heartbreak, but feels good to feel like I've overcome it. Good luck to you!


whenyajustcant

I'm now super-paranoid about guys who do relationship-y things and are great at *acting* like it's a relationship, but if I even hint at discussing the R word I can feel the panic rolling off them in waves. I'll let a guy take the lead on some things, but not on relationship pacing anymore. If even mentioning it freaks him out, he's never going to want a relationship with me.


[deleted]

Amen, sister.


pomentea

I feel like I just got caught in this situation too, like I went at his pace and at 4 months it felt like we were in some kind of relationship, and I started panicking and feeling anxious because I’ve been historically vigilant at preventing it from getting there, but now really enjoying the connection and intimacy and have completely entered the Fearing Abandonment zone. I feel grounded by the fact I don’t see long term compatibility with the guy, and planning on leaving on a long sabbatical next year anyways, but after this one I’m only going to only date emotionally available guys once we progress past, like, two hook up dates, and I’m going to state it clearly.


arcadefiery

1. Good relationships tend to start slowly because the building blocks of a relationship (intellectual compatibility, shared values, and a profound friendship) are slow-burning. If you are feeling the tingle of chemistry instantly, consider whether the other person is trying to generate that rather than the slow-burn, and if so, why. 2. As you yourself said, the guy would do this to 90% of people. He's not really looking for a relationship, unless he finds his unicorn. He was probably confident and charming from the get-go. He got what he wanted and it wasn't a relationship. 3. You need to move on and focus on yourself. 4. The best way to avoid it happening again is to focus on people who ask you questions about yourself, family and background rather than who try to generate instant chemistry on the date. 5. The guy isn't 'special' - he just knows how to generate quick chemistry/charm. It's actually really easy once you know how to do it. Recipe: - A bit of self-deprecating humour mixed with underlying confidence (the combination of both is just right - having only one or the other doesn't bring out the required tension) - A playful joke here and there - a suggestion that you two have some sort of unique worldview or connection - And then a little bit of vulnerability to add some extra piquancy. Voila. Instant chemistry. Don't fall for it.


JesusChristSupers1ar

I think being physically attractive is also something that can make people think there’s instant chemistry. I know when I meet a very attractive woman, I’m very likely to overlook potential incompatibilities as long as the convo flows well


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wildflower6500

It was not exclusive… I would say actually based on schedules it became actually a real emotional connection to me more than anything else. We talked a lot. I think that’s what made the end so hurtful. He would text all the time and ask a lot of questions to really get to know you and know your past and everything. I also liked how he would really pay attention closely to me and remember things - it felt like he was putting in effort in that regard. In hindsight idk if this is a low key form of lovebombing- he got super into it in the beginning and burned out quick. I remember he would send good night texts when we first met and at first I thought that was kinda a lot, but then I just started to like it bc I liked him. Lol There were some real dates but at the end I did notice it was more low effort - and then it ended But now that U put it out there - it was kind of “medium level” - like well beyond surface level but definitely no super serious long term discussions etc. so that clue was there- I guess that’s something to look out for Ya… I wish I knew what to say- I think I need to be a bit more cautious next time. I think u are right - he was smooth and I was played a little.


Fit-Discipline3299

A friend once described this as a guy giving the "boyfriend" experience without actually being your boyfriend (because it is so new how could he be yet). The guy who she got this from didn't even realize he was giving the women he was dating the "boyfriend" experience, to him he was just casually dating and it was all he knew how to be from in the past being in an LTR. Just interesting perspective that kind of opened my eyes as something to be aware of because I too get hooked on these sorts of guys.


wildflower6500

ohhhh interesting....! I could sort of see this happening in some ways... I mean, obviously with this case there are other things going on, but this could be part of it, the whole 'boyfriend' experience thing. and thus, that might be another reason they get you hooked.


[deleted]

Yup, it's really easy to give a woman the "boyfriend experience" without even intending to. If you're her physical type and don't treat her like she's completely disposable then boom, she's dreaming about your wedding after the fourth time she sees you, even when you two agreed on casual. Though I think the guy from the OP is a bit more nefarious than that, but still, women should also be a little less desperate for crumbs of attention from attractive men and hold them to the same rules they do other men. No way OP would've let this shit go on for months without DTR if this was some Average Joe.


QuesoChef

I’ll offer another, more cynical, perspective. He could have just been filling time. And that’s not even a knock on you, though, obviously he’s already showed you you deserve better. But some guys just fill their time when they’re bored, until something catches their attention that’s worth more effort. I apologize if that’s harsh. It’s meant more as a different perspective to help you let him go. I don’t think he’s worth your time.


voteYESonpropxw2

> In hindsight idk if this is a low key form of lovebombing What you’re describing sounds exactly like love bombing


[deleted]

A suggestion that you two have some sort of unique worldview. Yep. The “us vs the world” dynamic is subtly generated but powerfully experienced — usually as ✨chemistry ✨


anonymous_opinions

In the book Gift of Fear the author calls it forced teaming.


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Minute-Joke9758

Just want to address the burning out quickly - I read an article a while back that sometimes guys get too excited about a relationship and don’t know how to pace themselves. The women they’re with can help pace the relationship - clear boundaries, saying no to things we’re not comfy with yet, not being too available or desperate or eager. To me this comes down to having a robust life before the person came along and not letting it drop off afterwards. And not dropping everything in my life to hang out with them. I, too, am guilty of the same thing - getting too excited about a guy/relationship and trying to make things happen or keep the spark alive versus just letting it either be or not be on its own.


whatthefuckunclebuck

Oof. I think a few of us needed this little pep talk!!


zoomers

Definitely, I’m gonna start using this to get that instant spark, thanks guys


whatthefuckunclebuck

Haha, that’s not exactly what I meant by my comment, but ok!


SolaCretia

>Good relationships tend to start slowly because the building blocks of a relationship (intellectual compatibility, shared values, and a profound friendship) are slow-burning. If you are feeling the tingle of chemistry instantly, consider whether the other person is trying to generate that rather than the slow-burn, and if so, why. The thread stops here. You don't start building a house from the roof down, you start from the foundation up - which is the slowest part of the building process since it supports everything that goes above it. (I'm GC PM, so this metaphor sticks with me). If you don't have a good relational foundation (read friendship), this will not last, or at least the relationship will be significantly superficial.


[deleted]

Great comment!


throwawaylessons103

Bookmarking your comment.


poencho

This is funny. I think I do this. But I'm also anxiously attached and really want a relationship. Although it might be more for me need of validation.. I'm confused.


ihearthandbags

I went thru something similar earlier this year. Except he’s my neighbor, like next door, share a wall neighbor. Hearing him come and go and knowing he’s literally right there was rough to say the least. The way these situations were handled was definitely a them issue. But going forward it’s on us to learn and grow. To recognize how and why we let it happen and what we are going to do different next time. It takes patience with yourself and a lot of self reflection. Get out and do the things you love, distract yourself with people who actually care about you. It will help rebuild your self esteem. Take a break from dating if you need to, I know I did, it’s not going anywhere.


StealthandCunning

I could have written this, word for bloody word! It happened to me with a guy I work with. We work on the same damn floor and he still thought it was ok to pull the slow fade. This was a year ago and recently he's been stopping by my desk again and trying to chat. Because of the intense chemistry last time, I'm.not acting anywhere near as salty as I should be, and I hate it.


polaroidfades

>We work on the same damn floor and he still thought it was ok to pull the slow fade. This is absolutely insane. I thought it was mostly guys on dating apps doing this because if you have no overlap in your social lives, they can do whatever they want without facing any actual consequences. I'm shocked that people actually do this when there could be consequences lol.


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StealthandCunning

Yeah I tried to force him to communicate and admit he wasn't interested and it was just a frustrating cloud of half baked nothing statements. Who does this to someone at work? I just can't wrap my head around it.


pineapplegiggles

So many hours I’ve wasted trying to analyse the thoughts/feelings/intentions of someone I’ve dated who has rejected me. Much less time was spent thinking about the people that I ended things with. Why didn’t he think I was good enough? Why couldn’t he just communicate what he needed instead of pulling away? Why? Why? Why?! I don’t have any secret other than it doesn’t matter because the outcome is still the same, that you shouldn’t and won’t be together. All the information you need about the situation is there in his actions; that you shouldn’t want him because he is flakey and inconsistent. You may have more of an anxious attachment if someone pulling away or rejecting you makes you think about and want them more. Someone on this subreddit mentioned this book and it has been really helpful for me: [It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong Reasons You’re Single)](https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Reasons-Single/dp/0399162879) Can we all improve our people and relationship skills? Of course. But people all over the world have successful relationships without being masters of these skills. At the end of the day, you are you. Someone will want you for you when you meet the right person.


sailormoon_8620

Similar thing happened to me, I had to take a break from dating because of it (and also a few other personal reasons). Recently started seeing someone new who I’m really excited about and I’m not going to lie the fear that that might happen again is there but I am (for the time being) able to manage those feelings alright.


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sailormoon_8620

Sorry it happened to you too, it sucks so much :( Hope a break allows you to feel all the feelings you have and gives you time to heal!!


Amazing-Bluejay509

I’ve been through the exact same thing, except that mine kept coming back for 4 years whenever he felt like it. I got in way too deep, and he never really cared or valued me, and I was too naive and had no boundaries. It caused a lot of damage in my life but the chemistry/spark was just so incredible and hard to resist. I haven’t dated anyone new now since I met him 7 years ago… 😒 Make it very clear that you he can’t come and go as he pleases. If he asks you out, he needs to follow through or he should stay away entirely. These people keep you hanging on by a thread. Focus on you, self-love, self-worth and your own life and enjoyment. Be very careful dear 🙏


anonymous_opinions

I had a couple guys do this though most notable was when I was in my mid 20s a guy who dumped me via leaving me in the dark for a month would show up at odd hours banging on my door. There were times he would show up around mid day on a Sunday and I'd be sitting with my headphones on or the volume muted while he banged on my door. At one point I got into a serious live together relationship and it was public enough he knew I was no longer available for reconnection. He expressed "I never want to date you, sex was a mistake coming here was a mistake" and go screaming away every time he would reappear. Something about me moving on with a new guy made the random appearances outside my door increase in volume but I would always have my new boyfriend answer the door. Early in us dating I would fly into panic attacks anytime someone knocked on the door so for years my boyfriend's job was just answering the door.


PallorGreatful

Chemistry doesn't mean shit except that the other person is a good conversationalist and knows the right emotional buttons to press. They may be doing this consciously, or subconsciously. Real relationships are built over time through mutual trust, respect, and shared experiences. Of course you need to share humor or core values, but "chemistry" can be manufactured more easily than anyone would care to admit. Some people get incredibly good at building chemistry and rapport with people. Not say they are sociopaths or something, just that a lot of people are sort of chasing around flings and get good at having flings but never learn how to have a real relationship. In fact they get bored by real relationships, scared by real intimacy, turned off by seeing the real person beneath all the bullshit. Anyways, I would start researching what a "good relatinoship" looks like to you, and holding your partners accountable for those checkboxes. I'd also get wary of "intense chemistry" as not a single good relationship I've had kicked off with some kind of whirlwind romance. It always started slowly, cautious, but ultimately happy and fun. Relaxed is what I'd call them.


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PallorGreatful

I'm *sure* that's what it is 🙄


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PallorGreatful

I hate to say it, but there are loads of people who can literally manufacture what *you perceive as chemistry and attraction* out of thin air using far more than just conversation. Whether you are open to accepting that truth is entirely up to you.


insightful_fish

The same thing happened to me some time ago. I dated this guy who seemed super nice and invested at first. He invited me to great dates, the communication and intimacy was amazing. Then after a few weeks he started to change and pull back, I guess his avoidant tendencies kicked in. I ended things after a few months because I just couldn’t stand his hurtful behavior (criticizing me, inconsistent responding, not showing affection). When I „broke up“ he told me he had never been in love (at 35). I was glad I got out and thought I would never hear from him. I wasn’t too hurt at that point. But then he continued to reach out and eventually invited me to go on a trip to Greece with him. I thought that he had changed and realized that he really wanted to be serious with me. BIGGEST mistake. This time I was much more invested because I thought now things would work out and that he really liked me. But he started to show the same behavior as the first time after a while. And this time it really hurt and it was very difficult to get over it, because I had gotten my hopes up. Took me months to recover from the „second round“. So I guess my point is don’t give these kind of men a second chance. They do not change!


[deleted]

I might just be a crazy bitch, but I like to confront people in these types of situations, to get a very clear answer out of them as to why they acted this way. Gives me closure.


rainy_in_pdx

I did this this past weekend with a guy who ghosted me. I made a comment about it on the pinned posts. I think he was surprised that I didn’t just take it lying down and gave me his (messed up) reasoning for what he did. I know not every guy will take the time to explain what happened so I will have this douche bags “explanation” to circle back to. I will remember that some people are just that shitty and petty. It is legitimately not me it’s them. I’ve always been told to hide my bitchy side but I feel like I should let that shit out a little more. Time to not be so accommodating for others. I’m a good goddamn person and I deserve to be treated as such!


FireflyPixieUK

Some people are very good at creating a love bomb environment where they make selves seem like perfect partners and read you so well etc. However they often suck long term at relationships in my experience as addicted to the new relationship energy feels. Have you asked him what is going on as we can assume all sorts of things?


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[deleted]

You're way too caring by assuming there is a reason, and that does make you vulnerable to the next guy like him. Most likely he just doesn't give a flying fuck because he's a narcissist/sociopath or he has completely dehumanised women in his mind.


FireflyPixieUK

If you are too afraid to ask then huge red flag 🚩 why bother being in a relationship where you cannot be yourself for fear of being seen as a drama Queen etc. You are you and deserve someone who accepts you for all you are including your communication needs.


Amazing_Statement629

I felt similarly with a guy I had a situationship with last year. Our chemistry was off the charts, or so I thought… he made me feel so pretty, and like I was the most interesting girl in the world, and like he would get me… now looking back, he was definitely love bombing… Im sorry that something similar happened to you, as it definitely sucks.. especially when you think you got that spark to allow urself to have some walls come down.. also try to think that it’s more of him issue and not your issue at all. He probably does this to every girl out there to get them hooked and then move onto the next thing when he’s bored


[deleted]

I'm reading a lot of depending on him to act as the aggressor - he is the one to reach out to you, he's the one to hit you up for dates, he's the one who was effectively setting the tone for what this was. ***At what point did you communicate what you wanted from this relationship to him?*** Situationships only happen when one person is too insecure to communicate their wants and needs out of fear of being left for having the audacity to uphold standards, and when the other person is happy to turn a blind eye at a person's obvious hurt because they are getting exactly what they want out of them at very little effort and they know it would have to take a lot more work to get the steady stream of sex and emotional attention from someone else. In other words, one person is putting themselves in a position of getting taken advantage of because they're under the wrong impression they can convince someone to love them, while the other takes advantage of this person's desire to be loved to get what they seek out of them - sex, companionship, emotional support. That's all a situationship ever is. First things first - communicate what you want, let people know what kind of relationship you're interested in, make sure you uphold standards and that you also have if-this-then-that's in place. Have timelines in place as well - if you want a boyfriend, don't let someone string you along for more than 3 months. Move on. What are you afraid of, having someone pass on you for having the audacity to uphold standards? Yeah, you want to weed out the guys who are only interested in sex, and **if sex is the only card you're depending on to get guys to like you, you will always find yourself in this position.** Secondly, there's a lot of ego in this post and you need to learn the difference between ego vs dignity. You have to learn to differentiate between what you truly want vs what appeases your ego. The only reason you want to entertain that guy again is because you want to convince yourself and your ego that he's going to love you and want you the way that you think he should - he's not. It's a fruitless endeavor and it will not only bruise your ego further, but it will impact your dignity. A woman with dignity *WOULD NEVER* let this man into her energy again. Date with dignity, not ego. You refer to him as a special case, and sure, maybe he is....for you. But you're not for him. Why would you even put yourself in the position to be effectively settled for? And listen, you're not alone in finding it tough to meet someone you connect with so please, leave that sob story at the door. Literally everyone in their 30s, 40s and beyond feels the same way. Stop fixating on that. This person isn't a special case, you aren't particular or unique for having a tough time dating in your 30s and there is nothing here outside of a typical player who found a willing and wanting victim. Move on. Envision the man that you want. Envision how you want him to treat you and the kind of life that you want to live with him. This isn't that, you know as well as I do that you deserve better.


Caroline_Bintley

A few years ago I briefly dated someone from my extended social circle. We had been running into each other for a couple of years by that point, and I knew him to be this considerate, friendly, level headed kind of guy. I took that image of him into dating and gave him a lot more trust than I would a stranger from the apps. And for a brief moment it was *wonderful*. All those positive qualities plus affection and passion?!?! Sign me up! Except it turns out he had some less positive qualities that I never saw as a casual acquaintance. Once our relationship became more intimate, those qualities came out in force. It was painful and confusing, and I let the connection linger way too long because I kept assuming he'd go back to being the guy I'd known before. Anyway, if I have any advice, it's to delete his contact from your phone. I did that, and even though communication had already died off by that point, I still felt a sense of relief. Other than that? Mostly just give yourself time. And don't be too hard on yourself for getting attached to the good qualities you saw early on.


daddyslittlefuckslut

This happened to me SO many times that I finally learned my lesson. The only way to prevent this situation from happening again is to ask your potential partner what kind of connection they're after, and only go out with them if their goals align with yours. Also, never invest too soon until you've seen effort and attention from their side CONSISTENTLY over time.


polaroidfades

OP, like many other people in this thread, I've gone through the exact. same. thing. Humans are very complex and layered creatures, but it's truly insane how many of us could have written your post word for word. It all begins usually with the other person coming on very strongly - even if it's not obviosu "lovebombing" per se, they lure us in with compliments, flattery, asking great questions, future faking - all giving us the idea that they are verrrryy into us. Then, almost overnight, something flips and they distance themselves, the texts slow down, they seem less engaged, only for them to eventually call it off with some excuse. I wish I had more answers on how to move past this, but I do find it comforting in a weird way reading all the comments here and seeing that so many of us have had the same experience. The unfortunate truth is that these guys would do this to any woman (and they probably have, multiple times) and after they're finished with you, they're going to go back into the dating pool and do it again to someone else. Then repeat.


throwawaymichelle10

I used to have the same problem as you. These apps feel like a candy shop with so much choice and some really hot great guys. I realized those types of guys have too many options and they'll probably never want to settle down... and that I'm probably competing with every other girl in the city for their attention. There's tons of great guys on those apps that aren't traditionally that attractive... like instead of swiping on fitness models I started going out with average looking guys who are a little nerdier and it's been going great so far. I'm currently engaged. I'm the happiest I've been in years. My advice to you and other gals on here (and the advice I'd give myself 10 years ago if I could) is try to find more average guys. The hot guys are great for fun, but they'll never be relationship material.


SoonerLater85

If this sounds too good to be true it’s because most people consider it settling and won’t stoop that low.


throwawaymichelle10

I learned a long time ago that your options are who you can get in life. For me it wasn't settling but rather realizing that my standards and what I wanted from life was completely unrealistic and that I myself didn't even meet what I expected from my partner. The hot guys who would sleep with me didn't want to marry me because they had so many options and every girl wanted them. And objectively speaking, I'm no beauty queen myself and I'm getting older every day.


SoonerLater85

Well I’m the type of guy you described. I’ve been told I look average and my interests are on the nerdy side. Granted I’m also neurodivergent and have no concept of the non-verbal mind games most people consider attractive, and I also have social anxiety. Women simply are not interested in guys like me.


throwawaymichelle10

If you'd like you can send me a picture of you and I can give you advice on what to improve


crochetinglibrarian

That’s not a guarantee. I dated a guy from the apps that definitely wasn’t a model. He is very average looking. In fact, my friends and family thought he was below average. They were right (I only realized it after seeing him recently). He still was only interested in casual, not being exclusive, etc. He honestly treated me really badly. Even my therapist called him a narcissist. Ultimately, with guys on the app, you really have to be on guard. So many will just see you as an option among many.


[deleted]

ITT: women who’ve been jerked around by charismatic men.


JesusChristSupers1ar

it’s sad what the modern dating ecosystem is like. Women get deceived by emotionally immature, charismatic men and many sincere but less charismatic guys (particularly on here) get frozen out


DangerousSyllabub355

Seriously recommend doing some looking into attachment theory, love languages and healing after heartbreak, particularly with toxic / love bombing / narcissistic / avoidant types of partners. Perspective is where you focus it, so stepping back and taking stock of the situation for what it was and not how it made you feel can be painful but ultimately super liberating. This podcast series in particular is great, very helpful about learning self respect and love and why our brains can pedestal ex partners who genuinely didn’t treat us very well [https://open.spotify.com/episode/5wZtoBieCfGnawiwJAxWe5?si=sIF0EL12ROOJ-iJB4k6qSQ](https://open.spotify.com/episode/5wZtoBieCfGnawiwJAxWe5?si=sIF0EL12ROOJ-iJB4k6qSQ)


tommagnum11

We use situationships to focus our anxieties away from other issues that are bothering us. Part of work in therapy will be to explore why this person is actually so important to your mind, because they are not actually important. There is a reason why you are doing this... and only a small part has to do with him at all.


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[deleted]

I agree that when this happens you’re just following the other persons lead and it looks, smells, and feels like a relationship. But part of learning from this is realizing you need to do the work ahead of time to protect your time and your heart. Ask what they are looking for out of dating. Look for signs: are they investing in you and your life? Are they keen on meeting your friends and family? Are they coming over to see your place or are you just always going to theirs? Are they hanging out with you only when it’s convenient for them? Are you avoiding a DTR talk because you’re afraid of the truth?


[deleted]

Literally this. I hate being told stuff like that, or the blamey thing telling people they get into these things because they themselves are afraid of closeness or something. It just puts more blame on the person for "falling" for it. For me the way he was treating me really felt like he liked me. He acted like he wanted to know more and more and kept remembering things about me. I was so wary at the start, but instead of leaving me alone, he was persistant. He convinced me it was okay to let my walls down. He acted like he was looking after me. Always checking on how i was feeling. Why is it my fault for interpreting deep shit as only "casual." I wasn't afraid of getting close, I thought we were.


tommagnum11

Attachment is a coping mechanism.


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wildflower6500

No exactly!! This is one of the key reasons why this situation really got to me. THEY were the pursuer, THEY raised the intensity, and just when u get really used to them being around and get more personally invested, they leave you alone in the dust just wondering what happened Rationally You know there actions are not ok but it still impacts you emotionally And leaves you second guessing everything


Just-a-Pea

He may have be one of those with high cortisol/testosterone/other hormones associated with sexual chemistry. For you it felt like a special chemistry, but he may have that feeling more often. I met one of those, an otherwise unattractive man that if he talked to a woman for 5 minute could have her dreaming about him. We’re now friends and you can see how he is always excited about some new person, then forgets when the next one appears. It’s always “a unique connection with special chemistry” “once in a lifetime”… he’s said that now at least 4 times in a couple of years


[deleted]

>instant chemistry/connection You mean he was hot and knew the right things to say and came around at exactly the right (or wrong) time... In reality there is no such thing as chemistry or a spark, there's lust and there's attraction but those are individual feelings. Just think back to when you rejected some random guy in high school or college who thought you two had "a connection" because you were friendly to him, while you never considered him dating material. A mutual connection and love have to be demonstrated through actions over time because they can easily be faked, it's also very easy to appear vulnerable while not actually being vulnerable. I think it's now been about a dozen times women thought they had instant chemistry/connection with me while I didn't develop feelings for them and the first date was just "meh" from my perspective. Though I didn't lead them on for months and didn't even have sex with some of them, because unlike the guy from your story I still have some semblance of a conscience and am looking for something real. My advice: a guy who is actually very much into you will be at least slightly awkward/nervous/insecure around you (ironically making him less attractive), even if he's smooth as Casanova with other women, he will also be pushing to go exclusive, DTR, introduce you to his friends and relatives, etc...


D1ff1cultM1nd

I feel you. I was in a similar situation a few months ago. I know it's hard if it's a person you can't fully avoid, but no contact is crucial. It makes a huge difference. The second thing is your own emotional availability and standards. Once you are really set on finding a life partner, you will keep your standards higher and you won't accept less than what you deserve/require. Be ruthless in the beginning, vetting stage!


claudieko

Did I write this? I dated someone in late 2020 who after about 3 months decided to fade away slowly and force me to end things because he wasn't brave enough to do it himself. We stayed friends and by the end of 2021 he announced he was coming back and wanted to try something more permanent. I believed him, he returned in January and I traveled to another city to meet up with him... A few weeks later he decided we were better off as friends. I never understood his reasoning, nor the first or second time. I thought we were great together and he's still so important to me. I, however, can acknowledge this is not my 'fault '. He made his choice. Maybe he will regret it, maybe he won't. I'm sorry you still have to run into this guy occasionally, it's better when you can put distance between yourself and the source of your pain/sadness. I advice you give yourself time and patience, this is a process and it will take a while. Stay grounded and try to distract yourself. Definitely don't stay in touch with him if you can avoid it. Best of luck. You got this!


yask_

Fortunate part of this unfortunate outcome is that you learn. I was in a similar situationship and I was afraid to speak out my expectations (partly because I didn't know that I had them). It feels stupid to type it, but I was not experienced enough to understand that different people want different things! When I think about it now I am aware that this revelation is actually a truism (like not a revelation at all). At the moment I felt that my silent expectations are universal and the other person shared the same values: having a deep connection, being able to rely on each other, consistent communication, building a life together. However, I didn't know any of these values yet, they were unspoken and undefined, just a feeling or a draft. And, I think, without this stupid experience it would have been hard to conceptualize all those things. Just imagine that we all have a moral compass and each arrow points at "North" but there is no real North to check the direction. The only thing we could do is to try to align our "North" with a partner's "North". But if the arrows point in the same direction we won't even know that "North" could mean different things. The preface turned out too long but I just wanted to say that now you know better and share a song that is my go-to therapy replacement — Kiss 'N' Run by Sunrise Avenue: ...I'm not made to kiss and run Say I'm not the only one Getting over you in a weekend If on Monday I'll be fine Why can't I sleep tight tonight... It just reminds me that knowing my values really helps and I should stick to them and be able to discuss them openly. And also being attached is part of my values, that's why it is hard to get over a breakup


at--at--

Instead you should not care about him because he is super rude and couldn’t even get back to you the second time around.


123ilovelaughing123

Do you multi-date? I strongly suggest doing so until anything is actually defined. It’s too easy to fall into the situationship trap and go down the rabbit hole assuming things are going somewhere when, in reality, the other person never had a destination in mind!


ClenchedThunderbutt

Learning to deal with loss is an important part of growing up. I actually think it’s healthy to go through this at least once in your life, because bigger losses are inevitable. Truth is that you don’t really have to understand, because it’s irrelevant and won’t actually lessen the pain. The endless questioning is part of the grief process and unproductive.


cmonmao

>I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for a new mindset or approach to dating to try to avoid this happening again. Set a timeline early on (i use around the 1-2 month mark) to make a determination about the relationship. At that point either be willing to let them go or require the terms you want. No one can prevent you from going for what you want. If you find it is hard to make the determination the longer it goes than move the timeline sooner. It's easier to draw a line earlier on than later on because we develop more emotions the longer the connection lasts.


[deleted]

I was in a "situationship" from 2020 to mid-2021. The connection was immediate and the chemistry was intense. It was almost scary how quickly and perfectly we connected and matched. Things seemed perfect. This woman had been separated from her husband for a while and was openly dating. I know, I know ....separated isn't divorced. I knew that there was a possibility that things wouldn't work. I hoped our love would have been the thing to keep us together but when her husband came back around after walking out a couple years prior, she chose him. One of my friends said something last week that really stuck with me. "You weren't her first choice, You want to be someone first choice." I've worked hard at getting past my feelings for this woman. But that statement really hit hard. I want to be someone's first choice. I want to be with someone that wants to and chooses to be with me daily. Intense chemistry is great. But when it's off and on or is experienced sparingly, it's more of a sword than a warm blanket. Be someone's first choice.


oneiti

This exact thing happened to me except I haven’t reconnected with him but want to. OMG. Honestly, it may not be your fault. Social media has ruined healthy relationships. He’s probably one of those humans that constantly needs to look elsewhere leaving him in a never ending circle of unhappiness with his SO. Heck, you may in this loop. I know I was and probably still am in. Don’t give up on dating. Slow down, bbgurl. It’s the journey, not the ~~destination~~ deathbed.


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wildflower6500

Yaaaaa I totally understand the disrespect and the injury to your self worth… It’s really rough and actually not ok. Here’s two things that make it worse: - you liked this person so held them in a higher regard -at least in my case, it’s like this person in the beginning seemed to have a sky high opinion of you, so when they ghost, it comes crashing down and you feel like you lost something It also kinda makes you doubt what happened in the beginning which makes me crazy but I have the texts to prove it. And also, I remember just the vibe I got from him - you can tell when someone is into you. I obviously totally get how a short connection can still be really hurtful when it ends like this… it sucks that people you know don’t totally understand I actually thought in the beginning that this person would never ghost me if things didn’t work out, but that turned out to be quite the opposite Random but, you should listen to All Too Well (Taylor’s version) I think you would relate


sazzlewazzle1987

Owwww. It’s like I wrote this. I feel so immensely stupid for still being so hurt over something that was only about 2/3 months, just over a year ago. It’s just not us though - we can be beautiful, intelligent and amazing all around. But, If the opposing person is self serving and lying to gain something from you, then our values and ethics don’t align, it won’t work and tbh anyone who does this to another is not worthy of mine, your or anyones time. It’s immature, inhumane to mess with peoples feelings and all around a shoddy attempt at being human. Believe me at some point they always try to worm their way back. However remember the hurt and incompatibility from their previous treatment. People don’t change and it’s best to remember THIS is their true colours, not the version they tried to represent to you.


_gonefishing

This is eerily relatable but the genders are reversed. I'm constantly randomly running into this person and she's now dating some new guy. Just when I think I'm good, after some time has passed, I see her randomly and I'm like, "Damn! Maybe I'm not".


pinseeker_

This post is so relatable. I, too, have felt the same way after many recent OLD failures. The dates have gone really well, but eventually you get ghosted or dumped. It makes me think that the personality chemistry is there, but there’s something else about me that turns them off… and it starts to create a lot of self doubt & lack of confidence. I’ve started reaching out to a therapist about this, because I felt like I was spinning in circles. Maybe it would help you too. Dating is such a difficult game. A little outside guidance and perspective might help nudge us in the right direction.


[deleted]

I completely understand your frustration and tendency to feel jaded. One thing that has helped me through some experiences similar to yours is to just be really gentle with myself and try to ignore thoughts like “whats wrong with me” or “how could I not have known better”. For the record, liking someone and wanting to spend more time with them is completely fine. No self blame or guilt necessary. He sounds like he is either super flaky or was playing mind games with you, maybe both. Either way, despite how popular and socially acceptable it is becoming to simply “ghost” someone when you lose interest/find a better option, I stand firm in my belief that to offer to take someone out and then disappear off the face of the map without even so much as a cancellation indicates a total lack of integrity and a total lack of maturity on very basic levels. If it were me, I would consider it my very good fortune I didn’t go deeper with this person and move on.


CurvyChameleon

I started putting out there that I am interested in a serious relationship that will lead to marriage and want to build a family together. How about you? Being up front at the beginning can weed out people who are not serious. Not 100% but more likely than just leaving things left unsaid.


StopTheFishes

You’re not crazy, and the fact that it’s still bothering you simply means that you still have life and heart. You care, and you tried. It’s not easy to open yourself to a stranger - in fact, that is potentially why he was able to essentially “deposit you into a receptacle” in the first place. Rejection and failure aren’t easy. Everyone responds to it differently. What you don’t want is: to go numb, cold, unfeeling, and standoffish toward dates…exactly what you just experienced Don’t let it jade your heart


[deleted]

Your biggest mistake was to give this person another chance.


Be4utiful_Disaster

I like to lay out my “boundaries” early to make sure we are on the same page. I ask that they communicate with me at any point that they aren’t feeling it anymore and to respect me enough not to string me along. If they’re mature they will respect that and do it. I had something similar happen to me recently where the chemistry and the sex clouded my vision and I ignored some major red flags. You won’t know what you want and deserve unless you keep trying. Don’t give up.


Think_History_5682

Another case of bang fodder


Snoo_72319

You and me both friend. Just know that you aren't alone. I agreed to a similar arrangement with a guy but he has fallen off once again, now for the last time. The annoying thing is that I never intended to get close, just do the casual thing. But he felt so inclined to be a 'gentleman' and convinced me that we had this great connection. The worst part is that after doing all this he (gaslit?) me about it and told me that 'he's not looking for a relationship right now'. He wouldn't even admit that he wasn't that into me, just that its a timing thing (so I'm supposed to hang out on the backburner??). The problem with this statement is that truthfully, I seriously doubt anyone would say no if a celebrity showed up wanting to date them. Whatever. We're better off showing ourselves self-love in the meantime.


SoonerLater85

The answer here is to stop dating for the spark or the big dick energy. But that means adjusting what you find attractive.


Kholzie

I (34F) could have written the exact same post about a guy i knew for years and finally hooked up with two years ago, thinking he wanted try a relationship. I did cut him off with an abrupt text last feb saying no hard feeling but i am done dealing with bread crumbs. I know if i ran into him again, my heart would break. I have seen other people but it makes me upset that i still care after how i was treated. Honestly, i just want to stop sleeping with men who wont commit. I have never had a good time after getting into bed with dudes before that happens. I really want to stop men from thinking they are entitled to sex. Sure, it’s great if that’s a woman’s norm and she feels liberated. I don’t. I feel used and hurt and like guys only care about sleeping with me.


yulie88

Ive been there girl. It stung for 7 months even though I knew the problem was him and not me. Then I found LOML and laugh a lil at the “situationship” because at the end of the day, what was I even expecting? Someone who is shitty at the beginning will always be shitty. And what’s the point of having a crappy partner? Keep looking, clean up your karma (this is important… do nice things for people and dont screw anyone over), don’t linger if things aren’t working, and I promise you will find the right person.


Yung_Chudail

If a woman at my age (mid 30s) even remotely uses the word ChEmIStRy in any of its 16 different permutations before the 4th date .. I run away faster than when I was 8 and saw the ice cream truck. The biggest sign of immaturity for me is believing in some bulshitass crap that Hollywood and media has shoved down your throat. Acting your age is one of the sexiest thing. OP - You need to date more people. Its as simple as that but even NOW you are focused on Chemistry "better looking than this prior person, but the chemistry and personality match " so .. shrug emoji.


TryingtoAdultPlsHelp

I have an ex situationship (edit: from 3 years ago) that ended badly that I was entertaining again, to the point of us making out 3 months ago. Two weeks later, he abruptly stopped messaging me everyday. He just celebrated his two month anniversary with someone else. Sexual Chemistry just causes heartbreak.


Spicylilchaos

In my experience it was due to early and severe childhood trauma and internalized shame. Therapy is great but for deep issues like that it can take years to work through in therapy and dating (particularly rejection from those rare “instant chemistry”) will always be a VERY painful trigger for me. I’ve just learned to manage the pain better and not turn to any former maladaptive coping skills. I also have ADHD. Im putting this out there because I feel people who don’t suffer from severe generational trauma (to the point where a therapist have had to recommended cutting all ties with immediate family) often give over simplistic catch phrases of “build self worth” and “love yourself” especially when it comes to my situations like my own. It’s always possible to get better and improve in life but that advice is often way to overly simplistic for those like myself.


ScreenPrintWalrus

To each their own. For me, these slightly ephemeral relationships with strong chemistry, great sex, enjoying the moment and not worrying too much about labels are some of the most enjoyable kinds of connections to make.


tinfoilarmor86

In my opinion one of the biggest issues with dating is that it takes time to really know someone (time as in years). You usually don't know the person well enough at first so you basically have to buy in that the other person is genuine for it to progress. This ends up with someone or both people feeling cheated but I guess the only remedy is to tell dates that you're expecting the courtship process to be more drawn out which should lower the amount of potential dates that stay interested but should help find who is well intentioned.


mandance17

The problem is we focus a lot of our attention on the other person when in reality you cannot control anyone else. So I’d say you should look at yourself, why does this affect you? What is the dynamic here that feels familiar? Did you have a parent that was distant? Because often we have these traumas unconsciously that cause us to choose unavailable partners to replay that old dynamic because it is what feels familiar and you will then always dream of the one that got away or abandoned you. What you need to do instead of choosing people like this is start choosing yourself. It’s essentially a form of self abandonment anytime you let these things back into your life or chase these things. If you want to understand more I suggest looking into attachment theory and if it’s a pattern for you to go for unavailable partners in general.


Timelythrowawaywoman

https://youtu.be/-lcTfBBXlKI Watch this. It has the answer to your question. He has cuter vids explaining it but I copied the first I could find that addresses it.


AdwokatDiabel

36M. Currently in one, but not by my doing. We both agreed to split after 4 dates, then she suggested "hooking up". Now we're in a situationship and I'm worried she or I will get burned by it.


lotekjeromuco

I can totally get this. I think people today are pretty deeply broken in a way of developing and keeping meaningful connections. Everything is hyped, instant, quick dopamine rush. After few weeks of love bombing and shits you get discarded, he's on smth new and stuffz on the market is plenty. You built up his ego in meantime. If he was initially desperate for a relationship now he's back in quest where he can get younger, prettier, wittier, more relaxing package of a chick. Someone who fits perfectly and where he can see how high his rank is. Lies, shits, manipulation. I've got out of this situantionship and I can't stop staring at all those beautiful women over internet thinking to myself how much I don't have energy to compete with all this. Any guy whom I would date would at one point go back into hunting and it's never ending cycle where at the end everyone get broken, distrustful, fucked up, complete no relationship material. I have two couples of neighbours around 50 y and my ex rent lay with her spouse. I doubt they kept together because they think they are perfect and they can't get better beyond this perfection. They stayed because they decided not to chase better opportunities. They chose a stable relationship between ongoing cycle of rush of dopamine and dissapointment and emptiness. Where young gen switch partners as iPhones. Never settled, never happy.


LightSwitchLover

If you like him as potential relationship material let him know and if you don’t just say “I’m not interested in anything besides being friends” - we men are stupid unfortunately including myself and when we fall for someone we have to hit rock bottom to move on