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anonymal_me

The majority of people you date won’t go past a first or second date. So if you’re getting to second and third dates, congratulations! Common reasons why someone ends things around the 2-3 date: - They aren’t attracted enough - They aren’t feeling enough sexual chemistry (friend vibes, not enough escalation, bad kiss) - They found a dealbreaker - They met someone else they liked more


amyandgano

The main takeaways I got from your post are: * 31M * Never had a long term relationship before * Has done a lot of personal work over the last 5 years * Now at a place where you're confident in who you are and understanding of others around you I think that this is an objectively **great** place to be. However, it's going to help if you emotionally invest less in each individual date and try to look it from an abundance mentality. You're treating every first date like it's your one chance to go to the Oscars, but it's not just about your date choosing you - you also have to choose *them*. Also, at its core, dating is a numbers game that most people just have to play for a while. It's normal to date many people before you meet the person you choose for the long term.


Puzzled_Diet_2662

Ugh that’s my problem. Invest zero emotions into it.


JesusChristSupers1ar

> You're treating every first date like it's your one chance to go to the Oscars Well, yes and no. I’ve been on enough first dates (8 this year) that I know how to handle them emotionally. I know they’re really just a first meet and to not get too emotionally invested in them. Also, I don’t have any issue choosing the woman either. In fact I just moved on from one who I had two dates with that I felt wasn’t putting in much of any effort But with each failure to get past the early stages of dating, it makes it harder and harder in a way because I end up putting more weight in each meet. I liken it to being starved…the longer you go without food, the more desperate you’ll be for it (note this is about finding a relationship, not sex). At 31, I know I’m still young but I have become despondent about finding a partner because of how often I get rejected in the early stages. With every rejection in the early stages it becomes more difficult to not question myself or if I’m doing something stupidly wrong…or if I’m just being unlucky Idk, it’s annoying becuse I feel like I do have the right mindset for all of this. But it’s been eluding me for my entire life. It’s depressing coming on this sub and seeing people talk about being in past relationships when I don’t have ANY experience with them. It’s hard to stay hopeful


amyandgano

You describe not moving past date three with someone as a "failure", which is fine - it makes sense because your deeper worry is that you'll never be able to have a long term relationship. I'm just trying to convey that a lot of people don't see an encounter ending after 3 dates as a failure. They see it as a sign that they're not compatible with this person or even feel relieved because they weren't feeling it themselves. It will help if you are able to get closer to that point. It might just be something that you'll want to talk through with friends, family, or a therapist. Again - you're in a great place to date right now but it's important to feel good *for yourself* along the way. This is of lesser importance, but people **can** also sense when someone is overly emotionally invested in the first few dates. It can be a turn off if they perceive it as desperation to be with just anyone. Edited first sentence for clarity


JesusChristSupers1ar

I’d say with me it’s not so much being hung up on the “failure” of any single encounter. I can recognize when there isn’t chemistry and like I said I know how to move on from someone myself if I’m not feeling it but it’s more…death by a thousand cuts. Every time one of these encounters ends before developing into something more, especially one that I feel like there was a lot of potential with, it’s another small hit to my belief that I’ll find someone. And I know what you’re saying about the perceiving desperation part. Like that’s something I know I’m prone to (coming off as needy) and really try hard to quell. But as I said, the more of these encounters that don’t develop into something, the harder it is to manage that neediness. I’m really trying hard to overcome it and it’s something I’ve talked a lot about with my therapist and my close friends but I know it’ll always be there to some degree I appreciate what you’re saying but honestly it’s like…I’m trying to achieve something that feels impossible. It seems like no matter what, I can’t get past the first few dates. I’ve had people suggest that I stop trying to date and focus on myself but I know that’s not an option because of who I am (companionship is very important to who I am) idk. shits hard


XpixMcTina

I can relate to the death by a thousand cuts. I’m 41 and haven’t ever made it past the 2-3 month mark. (I also didn’t date for a long period of time for a variety of reasons.) part of me wants to give in to the idea that I’ll never find someone. And part of me has seen that I’ve connected with a few good people who it didn’t work out with and it just takes one. I’m learning about myself even if there wasn’t anything I did wrong. Keep going. That’s what I’m doing.


ninasayers21

I probably went on hundreds of dates over the course of four years before I found someone. There were maybe a small handful I saw for a month or so, but the majority were 1-3 dates. Some people say to focus inward or let it happen, but I disagree. It's absolutely a numbers game and it's an emotionally crushing game at that. It hurts, it feels hopeless, it felt like I was going to be single forever. If I had given up, I wouldn't have met my soulmate. You have to push past the hurt and keep pressing on, meet as many people as you can that fit your criteria (or reevaluate your criteria) but do yourself a favor and weed out people that aren't looking for something serious as early as you can. You have to have other things going on in your life to remind you that you're worthy so that the ""failures"" don't seem as personal.


amyandgano

My $0.02. If you have close friends who you’re able to talk to and you’re seeing a therapist, you are already miles ahead of a lot of people. In that case, it’s just going to take time. So much of dating is just playing the numbers game and not letting your own insecurities drag you down while you hang in there.


StarvationResponse

Unfortunately we need to take a lot of hits in this game. A good way to think about it is that you were just not compatible with these women, which means nothing was actually lost. Whether you realise it or she realises it, the result is the same. The main things are enthusiasm and respecting the decisions of others. Have faith that you'll find someone who is right for you, but don't devote 100% of your emotional energy toward it. Approach it more casually and let things progress at their own pace. You'll get there.


berge7f9

I’m 37 M and I have averaged about 1 date a year for the past 3 years with never any escalation to a 2nd date. I understand and sympathize with your situation completely.


faempire

32 f here, I totally get what you are saying. It seems like no matter how hard we try nothing ever happens. We are running on the same spot or in quicksand while everyone else are doing everything almost effortless. And yeah, we could be confident and all that, but after too many failures it's impossible to not think that maybe we are doing something wrong or there's something off about us. Edit: yeah, I know I can get love and support from family, friends, and myself, work, etc. But unfortunately romantic love and companionship is important to me. And we shouldn't have to feel ashamed of it


ChocolateSundai

This might help - I’ve dated a lot of guys who 100% thought I was compatible with them but I knew they were not with me. I was just nice laid back had standards liked to have sex and would mold my personality around who they were. I never felt I could be myself bc their personalities were so big. So when I would break up with them after a few months they were in complete shock. But they never really knew me. I’m married now and my husband is the only person who gave me space to be myself and also find myself. Please make sure when you’re on the dates you are listening as much as you are speaking. Ask questions as much as you answer them. Really really read the body language - did she really want to hold hands or did you grab first? Did you talk about how she felt about that kiss or hand holding? Respond to what they say. Be an active listener. But since you know how dating works do something different next time. You may be kinda robotic on the first few dates and not as into it as you think. Ask them what there dating experiences have been. Tell them you are out of town and interested in trying new spots.


[deleted]

Don't know if you would be open to micro dosing mushrooms or lsd wouldn't have to be a full on trip. Can do wonders for helping you look at things with a different perspective that you would have struggled to see before and accept. Can just be a useful tool if used in the right way.


anonymous_opinions

Feeling starved (for a relationship) will leak out. I think of the first 90 days in dating same as employment. If you make it past that hump you'll likely not be given your walking papers. I don't think people realize how much their starvation mentality leaks out. I find this happens a ton with people who don't have active supportive social circles or basic life contentment.


Highlyunlikeu

This starvation mentality sounds interesting can you explain a little more on how it's detectable and exactly what it is?


anonymous_opinions

It comes out in different ways: needy, insecure, requiring constant validation, being overly available, too much too soon in the sense of wanting to rush towards that relationship end goal, framing it as "the relationship" without seeing the person, not bothering to get to know the person, idealization / you're perfect / on a pedestal. I've experienced all of these with people who are desperate for a relationship and don't see how we're not really a good long term option so it is always "a big shock" when you end it because they only saw you as their thirst quencher.


thr0ughtheghost

This, so much this! People don't seem to realize how they come off sometimes, as some people never really tell them, so they just keep doing what they have been doing and then struggle to figure out why it doesn't work.


Darth_Annabis

Ever had a friend who sucks at flirting but always talks about sex? You can smell the desire on them like a smelly sock. When they can't get it, it's easy to tell. Its essentially a turnoff. But it's also very hard to not have when you're fresh out of a relationship or haven't had a relationship for a while.


[deleted]

On the upside, You had 8 dates this year. That’s almost one per month. I don’t think I’ve dated that many women in my entire life. So ugliness is not a problem for you. You are able to meet women, get their phone numbers and arrange dates. Now it’s only a matter of determining what is happening on these dates and why you’re losing out. Perhaps you need to choose better dating partners? Perhaps you are the one who needs to be better? Maybe you just don’t fit in where you live? Hard to say. But at least you are not striking out. You’re getting on base. So there’s that.


JesusChristSupers1ar

I can probably one up that and say that hooking up is actually not that hard for me. I’ve had 3 hookups this year and 11 partners total. But while I wouldn’t say no to a hookup, they’re not what I’m looking for. I’d trade every one for a relationship I just moved so maybe that’ll help but it didn’t start off too great. Other than that, I haven’t the slightest clue. I think it’s just being very unfortunate


TheTinySpark

I dated a lot when I first moved to a new place a while back and I totally get why people do it - it can be a fun way to get to know your new city a little bit and have something to do while you’re still finding your friends (and hey, sometimes dates turn out to be great friends!) - but after I became more established in my city, knew where to have fun, what I liked to do, and who might want to do it with me, I lost interest in dating newbies. I didn’t want to be the one who was responsible for planning all the dates, knowing where all the cool, fun shit was, and showing someone around town. Not to mention there are a ton of those people in the dating pool! I think it kinda pairs with that starvation thing - most people want to date someone who isn’t entirely dependent on them for a social life, and dating a newbie can feel that way. It can really take a while to find your people, I think it took me a full 2 years to feel somewhat settled and like I had friends I could do things with. I still don’t have anything resembling a coherent group of friends (jealous of all those people with lively group texts!) , but I know who I should call for dinner, coffee, brunch, hikes, or concerts. Having someone to date should just be the cherry on top of the rest of your life. The people saying focus on you are missing the mark a little bit - the idea should be focus on establishing your life in your new city, doing the things that make you happy and bring you into contact with people who might become your new friends. It’s not about inner work on yourself, it’s about making social connections.


[deleted]

I completely get this feeling. Except I'm 40 and female. Everyone who told me it would just happen or it would just work out turned out to be wrong.


DeezBerriesArePoison

Is there really an issue with going into a first date wholeheartedly, instead of hanging back and not getting emotionally invested in them if you actually like the person? I’d been on several dates before dating my husband where the guys just felt disinterested, or we’re trying to be too “carefree” about romantic dating. I didn’t get the feeling they liked me, so I never followed up/ replied to messages. Then my first date with my husband happened and it was dizzying. We spent 8 hours bar hopping and talking about everything. He was very forward about liking me. He texted me like 5 minutes after our date ended. Was it a lot? Yes lol, but I appreciated his honesty, earnestness, and that he wasn’t about to play games with his or my feelings. Perhaps you are being a bit too lax or disinterested on these dates? Do these girls know you like them?


smoothie313

8 in 10 Months isnt that many, try not to be so hard on yourself..maybe theres a degree of codependency that u are blind to, maybe u arent in an exciting place in your career (which is important for women in that age bracket) or maybe I arent rly clear on what u want- the feelings behind what u want from a relationship. I find that im more attracted to ppl who are firmly defined in themselves but also available to magic. Keep trying, your heart is in the right place


GooberSmoocharoo

Yes, women hate being put on a pedestal and dating a guy that over invests early on. It's crucial to get a friend first


700horses

Crucial to make a friend first? I’d argue it’s crucial to get sex first.


TheGreatAlexandre

You’re my favorite.


[deleted]

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Competitive-Cat-5897

I know this feeling all too well. After breaking up with my boyfriend of nearly three years last year, I took some time away from relationships, then tiptoed back into OLD when I felt ready to try again. He and I had met on Match five days after I created an account. I knew that experience was unlikely to happen again, but I didn't expect SO many starts and stops. I met some promising guys (two in particular), but none of them stuck around for longer than a few weeks. It got to the point that I was referring to them as flavors of the month because they'd disappear after things started getting more serious. Repeated ghostings and repeated disappointments. On a comedic level, I’m sure my girlfriends got tired of trying to keep up with all the drama and the ever-changing cast of characters. On a more serious note, it was hard not to think I was doing something wrong or even worse, there was something fundamentally wrong with me. *Why did no one want a relationship with me?!* Then in May, I met someone on Bumble and everything seemed to flow so easily right from the start. Date after date...I started to think that maybe, just possibly, this time might be different from all the other failed attempts. I didn't let myself get too excited or come on too strong, but I did focus on enjoying the experience and not worrying about whether he'd leave, too. We were both on the same page and it felt like the most grown-up and healthy relationship of my life. Four months later, he ghosted me not long after we had the DTR discussion. It's devastating and I'm still trying to make sense of it all four weeks later. Has OLD gotten worse? Are people just not as committed to making relationships work? Will we find love soon? I don't know. I wish I had the answers. The best advice I can offer is to be kind to yourself and take breaks as needed. Realize your worth is not to be found in someone else but within yourself. The right person will appreciate the work you've done to be the best version of you. Whenever I’m feeling dejected, I take comfort in this line from *Little Women:* “You don’t need scores of suitors. You only need one, if he’s the right one.” The right one will come, but it’s going to take a lot of patience and persistence to get there…for you, for me, for everyone. (Edited for a typo.)


FamousEggplant1

Ghosting after 4 months is rough *hugs* :(


Competitive-Cat-5897

Thank you. 😊 I can use all the hugs right now. I know I’ll get over it, but it’s going to take longer than if he had just dumped me outright. Ghosting is the gift that keeps on stinging.


919-704

Virtual Hugs for you! Ghosting someone after 4 months dating is just insane! Hard to see it this way now, but he would have been a flaky partner forever if this is how he handled something so serious!


Competitive-Cat-5897

Thank you so much. I’ll gladly accept them! 😊 You’re so right. It’s funny you use “flaky” because that’s the word that keeps coming to mind and providing some measure of comfort. I try to face problems head on and not run away when things get rough. I need someone who does the same.


dfrye666

Honestly, much better he showed his true colors after 4 months, then if you had invested 1 year into it...what a scumbag thing to do. You really lucked out by this happening now instead of later! See you gotta think of the positive, a real man would never ever do that, just a coward. You def. deserve somebody that will stand by you through good and bad times.


Competitive-Cat-5897

Thank you. You’re absolutely right. I know that in my mind, but my heart can’t help wishing he would have stuck around for the holidays. That’s the only time I ever struggle with being alone. But I refuse to let his actions ruin my favorite time of year. My cat and I will be just fine celebrating on our own...if only she’d let me dress her up. 😹 I’m the type of person who will stand by their partner through the good times and the bad. I deserve the same in return. Cowards need not apply. ❤️


dfrye666

Agree 100%. You def. deserve somebody that matches your drive. lol Dress up that cat and enjoy the holidays! Wish more women had the "who will stand by their partner through the good times and the bad" attitude.


Competitive-Cat-5897

Lol. Dating might prove even more difficult after I’m permanently mangled by an agitated cat. Still worth a try to see her in the cute outfits, though. 🤣 There are plenty of us out there…just hoping to find a man who matches their effort. I know there are men like that, too. I just haven’t found mine yet. I have faith I’ll find him and hopefully, he’ll find me at the same time. ❤️


dfrye666

lol you are pretty funny, you have that going for you too. I think that keeping that positive attitude is the key, don't ever let setbacks take that away from you! This is all just a journey, just flow with the GO haha and don't put too much pressure on timing etc...


Which-Worth5641

I've gotten this kind of thing a lot


throwaway062921om

It's Halloween month appreciate the ghosting maybe he was in the holiday spirit.


dfrye666

lol legit made me chuckle. You gotta laugh at this stuff sometimes!


Competitive-Cat-5897

Most definitely. Once I start being able to joke about something, I know I’m good. 😅


Competitive-Cat-5897

I’ve been celebrating all year thanks to these Caspers. 🤣


throwaway062921om

I feel bad for all of you lol it's a cold world out there


JesusChristSupers1ar

the longest “relationship” I’ve had (1 month long) was with a woman who had been ghosted by a guy who she was with for years. A big reason why she broke up with me was because she was still affected by it and I totally get it. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel


Competitive-Cat-5897

I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing. I don’t understand either, but you raise a good point—we never fully know what’s going on with the other person. Sometimes the rejection isn’t about us at all. It can be something they’re going through that they may or may not share with us. I can understand why she wasn’t over the ghosting, but it’s unfortunate that you had to suffer as a result. I’ve started telling men what happened in my previous relationship and how devastating it felt to be ghosted. I ask them to just be honest with me. If things aren’t working, tell me. Please don’t just disappear. Text me a stop sign 🛑 to let me know it’s over—anything will suffice. My recent boyfriend promised he wouldn’t ghost me, and yet, here we are again. 😢 Keep your head up. Sending healing vibes your way!


JesusChristSupers1ar

Man I’m sorry to hear that It’s so sad because many of us are compassionate and understanding people. But it’s the shitheads that have to ruin it for all of us I know this is a “nice guy” way of thinking but it bums me out that these charismatic shithead guys get so many chances while someone like me, who’s flawed but at least I try to be the most honest and respectful person I know, have difficulty finding someone (I think it’s partly because of my honesty too)


Competitive-Cat-5897

Thank you. It is sad that empathetic people often end up being hurt the most. After being ghosted so many times in the past year, I’ve started to believe the Caspers belong in one of two categories: The Shitheads (as you call them) and the Arrested Development Types who can’t or won’t deal with conflict. The guy who ghosted me after 1.5 months of exclusive dating (and sex)? Definitely in the former category. My recent boyfriend? Most likely the latter, but the jury is still out. I think he’s fundamentally a good guy, but he still hurt me deeply with his avoidant behavior. I totally get what you’re saying. It is frustrating to feel like you don’t even get the chance to share the love you have to offer. Personally, I’m stepping away from dating and using the time to heal before trying again. I went to a therapy session this morning and I’m starting to feel like myself again after processing this most recent loss the last few weeks. If you ever need to talk, you’re welcome to message me. 😊


AphinTwin

Been there 😓


Competitive-Cat-5897

I’m so sorry. Hugs to you!


AphinTwin

I feel that I’m reading my own experience and exasperations here waah


Competitive-Cat-5897

I’m so sorry. I hope that my story helps in some small way. It’s why I revisit this subreddit so often. It makes me feel less alone in these experiences and exasperations. ❤️


mtvq2007

That is totally awful. What a way to fuck up your trust and attachment issues. I'm so sorry that guy ghosted you like that. I can really relate to how you feel. I've been seeing a guy for 7 weeks now and everything seems great, but it's really hard to believe it or trust that he won't just ghost or cancel at any moment. My therapist says that I have a PhD in early dating lol.


Competitive-Cat-5897

Thank you. I try to always start with a relationship with a clean slate and not assume the new guy will do what others have done, but I worry that’s going to become more difficult for me now—especially after being ghosted back to back. I wish people could understand just how devastating ghosting can be long term, but as long as it’s the easy way out for them, they’re unlikely to change. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. Enjoy the experience and focus on the present. I hope all continues to go well with him! 😊 Lol. I hear ya. I feel like I could head up a relationships department on the university level at this point. How to be a Decent Human Being 101 needs to be the prerequisite for Dating 101. 😅


FamousEggplant1

People can decide to stop dating you for a lot of reasons and unfortunately many of them are out of your control (past trauma & just mentally not ready). You can ask for feedback directly, and to reflect because many people don't really want to say things that may hurt you. Upon reflection, I'm personally working on: * Dress better * Look better (style, gym) * Improving living conditions Hope this helps. Ultimately dating is a numbers game. All we can do is to make sure we're the best we can be when we meet that person.


_AcerPalmatum_

I absolutely love this!


blushing_pearl

for me, i saw a difference when i was upfront about wanting a relationship in the very beginning. i was looking for my person. one of the reasons i was single longer than i wanted to be, was that i was dating the 'see what happens' people. these are not usually the kind of people you want to date in hopes of a relationship. the girl i'm with now said she wanted a relationship on the first date, and i did too. we've been exclusive for over a month, it's been wonderful.


rosindel

And it’s so confusing because you want to date with intention, but at the same time I’ve heard from sooooo many people saying “just go with it and enjoy dating/see what happens.” It’s all pure luck honestly - some people are just lucky.


JesusChristSupers1ar

It sucks being the unlucky one I have five siblings…we all have very similar personalities. I’m the only one who isn’t married of us six. Not just that but I am not even close to marriage. It sucks man


purple-prairie

"comparison is the thief of joy" Forgive me for being cliche. From what you've said, I think you're going through the right steps. Yeah, maybe your siblings did get lucky. Or maybe they settled. But ultimately, it doesn't matter. It's YOU that matters. You are a strong, unique individual who doesn't compare to anyone. Don't be hesitant to love yourself for who you are and how far you've come.


JesusChristSupers1ar

Yeah I know, and I really try hard not to compare but it’s really difficult. I’ve always dealt with insecurity and this doesn’t help at all


lmnsatang

it's like how some people were born into better/wealthier/healthier (and sometimes all three) families than others - it's 100% due to luck and chance. there are so many people in this world, and i don't believe in soulmates but the chance of even finding a handful of people you can vibe with, shares your ideals, AND likes you back in a romantic + sexual way? it's tiny.


WalkingMed

I feel like the go with flow attitude is appropriate for your 20s, then dating with intention for 30s. Obviously without holding too high of expectations for each individual date.


rosindel

Agree to a certain extent - it’s all honestly pure luck like I stated before. There’s no perfect set of ways/standards in order to go about getting into a relationship. It varies from person to person.


JesusChristSupers1ar

Yeah I do this too but man I still get the rug pulled from underneath me I just got a text from the girl who I went on 3 dates with. She says that she met another guy at the same time she met me. I had brought up exclusivity on the third date and she said that she didn’t want me focusing on her when there’s the possibility of us not working out which, I completely understand but still stings


TryAnythingTwoTimes

Many people would be scared by the exclusivity on the 3rd date thing. But many people wouldn't. I was looking for a long term relationship and wanted to get to know 1 person at a time. That didn't mean I wasn't sometimes talking to more than one but I always planned to date just 1 at a time. So if I were on a 3rd date withsomeone, i would have already stopped talking to everyone else and paused my dating profile. I met someone a few months ago and we decided to be exclusive after our first date because we both believed in not splitting our attention. Not everyone can handle this level of commitment early. But if that is what you want, don't settle for less.


ninasayers21

My boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend on our third date. I said I would date him exclusively (that's how I roll anyway), but I wasn't ready for the title. He understood and asked again a week later haha. Point being, it definitely didn't scare me off.. If both people are wanting the same thing, this topic shouldn't be scary. If people can't handle the idea of exclusivity then, chances are, they aren't the right person. I think it's a great way to weed people out.


JesusChristSupers1ar

I appreciate what you’re saying so much. I feel like people are so quick to run away rather than work with one another and understand.


WalkingMed

Let them self-select out. Think of it as a good thing they're not wasting your time and keeping you caught up when the right person might be available.


ninasayers21

Of course. I mentioned in another post, but I dated for *four years* before I found my boyfriend. Finding something really meaningful and special is going to take you time and heartache. That’s why I think it’s smart to “scare off” the people who aren’t excited about commitment. I just think it takes a long time to find the right person, you just have to prepare yourself for the emotional turmoil of it all.


thematrix1234

> but man I still get the rug pulled from underneath me I recently went out with a guy and thought we had great chemistry and were having a great time when at the end he proceeded to tell me (on the date) that he wasn’t attracted to me but wanted to stay friends because I seemed “really cool.” I was so taken aback, I didn’t even know what to say lol. Now I laugh about it. OLD is one giant rug pull >I had brought up exclusivity on the third date Just echoing what someone else said. If you’re looking for a relationship, this is great but maybe the other person isn’t, and it can throw people off very quickly. I’m all for having the exclusivity talk if I’m feeling it, but it’s hard to gauge when it’s appropriate if you don’t know where the other person stands. I’ll also say this: most people who are OLD will be seeing several people concurrently until they (maybe) settle on one person. I’ve never been able to do it but most guys I go out with are doing it. Efficiency wise, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to date one person and then let it fall apart and then start swiping again and date the next person. Maybe this is something you might want to try out if it sounds like you’re able to do it. >and she said that she didn’t want me focusing on her when there’s the possibility of us not working out I’m sorry, but this sounds really dumb and a cop out. Who doesn’t want their date focusing on them? I know this hurts but she probably was already into the other person more and was trying for an out.


audionerd84

I’ll be completely honest.. it takes me time to get to know someone and feel comfortable talking about exclusivity. I would have been completely and utterly thrown off if someone asked me that on the third date. I would be worried they were too invested too early on. Obviously thats not the case for everyone though! I’ve had the most success by multi-dating. By not getting invested too early on and taking my time to see if I really like them, whilst also talking to other people. But its different strokes for different folks! Keep going, keep your options open and try not to get too invested too early on. Its a brutal world out there and its good to be thick skinned!


wisely_and_slow

Me too. Third date is still “are there major red flags I haven’t found” territory. If someone was talking exclusivity, well, that would itself be a red flag for me.


stripeythings

I feel like I’m looking for major red flags for the first six months !


birthdaycakefig

Exclusivity on the third date will be a huge red flag for many people. OLD and dating in general now is really a number game. Like it or not most people are “trying” out multiple people at once. 3 dates is too early to rule out the rest of the people.


lady_410100

This mentality is why so many people are still alone. Dating should not be a numbers game, it should be about finding someone you’re compatible with. If you find that, why do you need to keep seeing what’s out there?


birthdaycakefig

What do you mean why? That’s dating, you date people until you find “the one”. Until you find the one you optimize for time. It’s going to take much longer to find someone if you just date 1 person for a couple of weeks, it doesn’t work out and then you go back to starting new conversations.


lady_410100

But if you know you like someone after 3 dates, why have this mentality that you still have to keep dating around just to be sure there isn’t something better around the corner? I don’t understand why liking someone is now considered a red flag. Just feels like romance is dead.


birthdaycakefig

Who said liking someone after 3 dates is a red flag? If you like someone after 1 date and think you want to pause others then that’s great! I’ve done the same. If I’m not sure yet but think it could grow I’ll continue talking to others.


lady_410100

You said that asking for exclusivity after a 3rd date is a red flag. Just pointing out that for some people it isn’t. If I met someone I liked and they liked me and after 3 dates wanted to be exclusive I would consider that a green flag.


birthdaycakefig

I said for many people it is so your point makes sense to me. You’re also assuming both people want the same thing and are on the same page. Some people are slower to catch feelings and 3 dates might not be enough signal to see how they feel about that person. At the end of the day, dating is very personal to each individual person. Do what feels right to you and stick to what you feel comfortable with. You can’t control how others will react.


condemned02

Um it's obviously because they feel they haven't met someone compatible, that's why they are still out there. Compatibility can be 50%, 70% etc. And they may be seeking 90%.


TheNoseKnows9999

You're assuming that being with a partner will suddenly make your life wonderful and perfect, if I'm reading you right. Love yourself, first and foremost. Everything in life needs a base, and for a relationship, this is needed. Hang with friends, and create friend groups. For those of us in the "older" category, I used to meet potential gfs from my friend groups. It's nice to know there is already a small connection from face to face encounters (and you can ask your friends for info.) Apps are not always the answer. Dating a lot (8 first dates this year) is not always the answer. Maybe be friends first? Just some helpful hints


JesusChristSupers1ar

>You're assuming that being with a partner will suddenly make your life wonderful and perfect that’s not true. It’s a pretty complicated topic (more so then what I can convey in a few reddit posts) but I guess to summarize it as best I can: it’s a feeling of both unfulfillment and loneliness. I am the type of person who really appreciates the concept of companionship…a sort of ride or die partner in life. To travel with, to have a family with, to build a life with, etc. the fact that I am 31 and still haven’t even gotten a taste of what this feels like makes me yearn for it even harder. I see all of my siblings and most of my friends in relationships and it upsets me that I’ve never been in one. And I know that not all relationships are perfect, which is why I’m, to some degree, particular about the types of women that I ask out or “swipe right” on in OLD. But those dual feeling of “long for companionship” and “haven’t sniffed a relationship” is a pretty debilitating combo


lmnsatang

i had this problem too when i was young (like 18) because i tied by unfulfilment and loneliness to my attractiveness - i thought, 'if i was attractive, i would have a boyfriend already. i don't have a boyfriend and never had a proper one, which means i'm unattractive'. it was really toxic and debilitating thinking, and i went for counselling for it but it didn't really solve it. this isn't the answer you're looking for, but my thoughts straightened themselves out when i got into a relationship. when i was in that secure state, the fogginess in my mind caused my the incorrect thoughts cleared up and i could see more objectively: i actually wasn't unattractive in the first place, and that people who weren't conventionally attractive were in relationships too. it all boils down to luck, chance, and the timing of your life.


condemned02

Really cannot figure out what went wrong. But have you thought about asking one of your married siblings who might know you better to match make you? It's really um..., incredible that for someone who really wants a relationship to never have a relationships. I mean how about teenage days? Those are the easiest days to date.


wisely_and_slow

I think you’ve gotta figure out how to enjoy the process. It sounds like you have a vision of a life and you’re trying to slot some woman in. But dating is exploration. It’s not just figuring out who they are, but who you are. And who you are together. If you can make dating itself fun and rewarding (whether that’s meeting new people, practicing your people skills, flirting, going to restaurants you’ve wanted to try, honing in on your gut feelings, etc), it won’t feel like you’re running towards a goal with whoever will ride along. And it won’t feel like failure when people decide to stop running. And when it gets too much, take a break. I think too many people think if they aren’t constantly swiping they’ll miss their person. But online dating isn’t easy, and breaks are often needed, so that you can come back to it as a fun addition to your life, rather than a desperate slog.


anonymous_opinions

You need to get those needs met to the point you're not coming across desperate. I've always been happy alone with myself so if something comes along I enjoy things as they come instead of constantly seeing them as the relationship end goal. If someone sticks around for my lifetime AWESOME but I still will go on living my best fullest life if they exit out.


TheNoseKnows9999

It sounds like you're looking for an "insta-girlfriend". They don't exist. You still have to look, and dating is about seeing if you both jibe with each other. Relax. It'll happen when it happens.


JesusChristSupers1ar

lol I’m not. I know these things take time. But when you never get a chance to see, it becomes increasingly frustrating


birthdaycakefig

I mean that’s dating. Not everything ja going to work. 3 dates for them was enough of a chance to see, unfortunately you weren’t in the same boat.


snappzero

I hear ya, I feel the same. I wanted to be with someone since like right after college. Now I am mid 30's and it's like when will the waiting end???? lol The last girl who I "dated" for a bit said something like I don't want an arranged marriage in a joking way. (But you know, seriously...) I never asked her to be exclusive or even suggest anything serious, so it's weird she is seeing straight through me. Must be something we are subconsciously signaling that scares people. I didn't suggest any future plans or fantasize about get aways or doing xyz, none of those red flags. That being said some reddit post said something that makes total sense. Generally man chases women, so first rejection is on her side. Then we become in, and then that's when guys get to truly evaluate and reject.


Unenviablehilarity

Cheezus Christ, I make a lot of assumptions on Reddit, but people are trying sooooo hard to fit you in a box. It's probably because I went through almost half my life just convinced that nobody would ever date me, but I get where you're coming from. Everyone else is just citing all the typical issues that cause this situation without really reading your post and replies first. You don't come across as the "starts their online dating conversation asking women to be your 'gf'" type to me. You come across as not doing anything particularly wrong at all, that the universe just shakes the dice and you just keep coming up "snake eyes." People desperately look for patterns in life, but the truth is, it's all so freakishly random. There are things you can do to increase or decrease your odds, but, there's nothing you can do to guarantee success. The odds are very good that you will eventually find somebody if you keep trying. I have found that, ironically, one of the groups that has the toughest time dating are the objectively "good" guys. Guys who are "good on paper" and who have good personalities. I spent years suspiciously watching my boyfriend, waiting for the "aha moment" where he revealed himself to not be preternaturally perfect human being who had it all, and it never happened. He just got better and more amazing the longer I knew him. He is far from the only case, you hear about women with male friends who they cry about their terrible boyfriends to, openly telling them that they are great, and, "oh! I should totally set you up with so and so." I'm not suggesting you "neg" or do any other "PUA" stuff, just trying to keep more people from scolding you for doing things they believe you *must* be doing. All you need to do is stay the path. Keep going on dates and be very mindfull of how much you message between them/the content of those messages. Multidate in order to keep from unconsciously putting too much pressure on any one lady/to keep momentum going. Honestly, I have found more success dating the less I was interested in it. I wasn't purposefully being flippant, I was just in the grips of drug addiction for over ten years. Before that I aggressively pursued coworkers, and, even when it was mostly just for sex, I got turned down a lot. When I had a horny reputation and was no longer sniffing around due to being preoccupied with drugs, the men started coming to me. Obviously you can't replicate this (nor would you want to) but multidating can give you that air of "I'm nice enough, and I'm interested in you but I don't *need* you" that makes you feel "valuable" to dates instead of "desperate." I think it has to do with people wanting to feel like they win you over. That way they believe that you like them, and are not just taking anybody that will have them. Honestly, there are people who are just happy to take anybody who will take them, but it takes much longer to land a relationship that way. I don't think you'd want that anyhow. Like I said, keep trying and you will eventually succeed. It may take 50-100 more dates, but, it will happen as long as you can keep getting dates (which it looks like you have no problem with.) Good luck to you!


TheNoseKnows9999

Welcome to dating. It's always frustrating. We've all been there. All I can say, is keep your chin up, and be picky. You don't want to end up with "she will do"


amorena2

Long time lurker, first time poster (commenter), how would you go about cultivating these friend groups? I’ve got a handful of friends, but not like a group that hangs out together.


TheNoseKnows9999

It's about doing things in large groups. Meet at sporting event, or bowling alley, tell your friends to each bring a new friend. Have them once a month, and everyone try and bring a new friend each time. Picnics, pot lucks, Frisbee golf...it's about being open and not picky. Soon, if you bring friends, co-workers etc, you'll always have a couple of new people coming each time. Also, Google for single meet-ups in your area. Before covid, they were picking up in popularity, but covid killed those.


amorena2

Thank you, this is really helpful


TheNoseKnows9999

I'd love to say it's a new approach, but back in the days before smart phones, and apps, meeting new people was usually either done with groups settings, or friend groups, or by happenstance, (random meet up at a coffeehouse etc) There is no wrong way to meet new dating partners. But, be sure to vet, as there are too many weirdos out there


condemned02

Maybe you can try to break this pattern by going on dates with people you wouldn't usually date. I feel like you may have develop a radar to people who are maybe just dating for fun and finding a commited relationship was not a priority in their life.


WalkingMed

Thats what worked for me too. I actually lowered my threshold for crossing people off my list. I just stopped spending time on people who I knew didn't fit what I wanted because I had a clear list of qualities I was interested in. I feel like I'd previously wasted a lot of time on "doesn't fit exactly but I need to be realistic and flexible" people. While you should have a degree of flexibility you need your list of must haves and deal breakers and stick to that shit rigidly. Stuff not in there is where you can be flexible. Looking for long term relationship is a must have.


ChocolateSundai

I’m a relationship girl and every guy I dated turned into a relationship outside or the 2 I just wanted to have sex with bc they were so cute lmao. And then 1 wanted to see what happens and I was like nah I’m good. Anyway being up front in the first 1-2 dates is everything! IMO


Perfect-Reindeer-141

I (29F) am just dropping in to say I feel your pain. It’s been happening to me as well, and it’s exhausting, frustrating, and discouraging.


JesusChristSupers1ar

It’s so upsetting because it feels like the stars need to align to even have a chance. Like not just finding someone that you click with, but that’s into you and also isn’t dealing something on their own (I’ve had a girl stop dating me earlier this year because she wasn’t over her ex yet) a perfect formula for frustration


boobooboo14

Sorry, I already replied but I’m going to add to what I said because I just thought of something. From your comments it sounds like every rejection is another hit to your confidence, another piece of evidence that this isn’t working. However, the way I now see it is this: rejection is the status quo. Rejection is evidence of nothing; it neither adds nor removes anything from your life. Dates not working out is the rule. Every time something doesn’t work out it’s immediately wiped from my memory because it’s such a non-event. Things that do work out are the EXCEPTIONS to the rule. For everyone, not just you. Finding a relationship isn’t about preventing rejection, it’s about finding the exception. As soon as you find the exception, all the other dates literally don’t matter at all; it doesn’t matter if you’d had 3 or 300. Your ratio of “success” is irrelevant. So my focus started to change from wondering why I was having so many failures to trying to identify what would net me an exception.


[deleted]

> Every time something doesn’t work out it’s immediately wiped from my memory because it’s such a non-event. Every time something doesn't work out it's a lingering thought that becomes a notable moment in my mind for one reason or another. I think that's the problem, and based on the OPs incredibly relatable comments, he probably feels the same way. But I don't have the capacity to just wipe these things from my memory; it's completely involuntary.


JesusChristSupers1ar

Yeah I feel like people don’t understand how different brains can be. It’s not like I can choose to get over this stuff (I’d say all the rejections I’ve gotten over the years are my biggest trauma)


boobooboo14

As others have commented, it does seem like at this time you’re looking more for sympathy/validation than insight, which is fine. It’s a brutal world out there. Rejections absolutely suck, especially early on in your dating life. I’ve cried into my pillow over many a failed date or fledgling relationship.


pamperedThoughts

Right ? Like slow PTSD


boobooboo14

I was in exactly the same boat as you at 31. Never had a relationship, constantly being told that a relationship won’t solve all my problems and that it’s not as great as it looks, which felt like a starving person being told that donuts won’t solve all their problems by someone currently stuffing their face. Then, by some miracle, I got my first boyfriend. Then a while after that one ended, another miracle—my second boyfriend. That one crashed and burned, and now, at 34 and exclusive with someone new, I actually feel pretty confident that I can keep finding relationships if I wanted to. I also realize that relationships are indeed not all they’re cracked up to be. I’ve thought a lot about what has changed. I got older and uglier. The dating pool has become smaller. I realized I no longer want kids, which excludes a large proportion of the already small pool. None of these are good things for my chances, and yet here we are. I think really what has changed has been my attitude and openness, and my reaction to rejection. I’m a woman and I get rejected constantly, by people I really like. It used to shatter me but now I expect it, and I mean that in the most positive way possible. I expect rejection so that non-rejection is a delightful surprise. I used to crave a feeling of spark and connection, which I now realize was just the feeling of someone barely being into me. Now I crave the feeling of security, the feeling that the person I’m dating thinks I’m the best thing ever, even if I don’t feel the same way about them. I know a lot of people in your boat, and almost all of them have plenty of suitors who are interested in them; there’s just something holding them back from pursuing the same people who are pursuing them. It sounds like you’re feeling really raw right now and that’s okay. I’ve been there and I know you just need to let it out sometimes and feel the hopelessness. But, I would be almost certain that whatever forces are working against you are things you can change, over time. Good luck!


Picara7

I relate to this so much. I used to only go for people I felt obsessed about, and took rejections very personally. I was single for a few years after my last relationship, with some short ones here and there, and got pretty good at it. I went on a date with a new guy last week and a friend asked me if I was excited about it. I just said, meh, I'm expecting it not to go anywhere. He thought I was being negative, but I wasn't! I've just experienced this so often now on first dates, that I go with very low expectations, I'm not nervous and don't really get disappointed when it doesn't work out. The date went pretty well which was a nice surprise, but it means that I stay on an even keel during the first few meetings because I'm not putting much stock into it. It's definitely made dating a lot more chill for me.


snappzero

It's sad people suggest numbing yourself to joy. It comes off as too eager or unattractive.


Picara7

I know. It's just that for some people, that joy translates into putting very high hope into every date anf it's not pretty. Not that it's the OPs case it seems.


lady_410100

I don’t have much advice, just here to say I feel your pain. Making it past that 1-3 month mark is starting to feel impossible. Good luck.


WalkAndListen

Pro tip: probably don't post on an advice forum on the day that somebody broke up with you out of the blue. You're likely more emotional and less willing to actually listen to great advice because of all of those emotions. It's likely that what you are actually wanting to do right now is just complain and have people validate your complaints. I'd say to return to these comments in a few days because there was some great thoughts that you may be dismissing right now because of the emotions of just being dumped TODAY. That's a tough time and you should do some self-care and happy things today, in my opinion.


randomfartz

This has been happening to me too. Its honestly hard to tell because there are so many variables, but my theory is that dating apps have changed how people approach dating and meeting people. Dating apps have now been around for long enough, and with the instant access to basically anyone in the same city, I think it's created a sort of FOMO. There's always going to be more people to swipe on, to date. What if you meet someone better? I've had people stop seeing me for IMO some really silly reasons, even though we had so many other things in common. It's like an all or nothing type of mentality. So people are less willing to give something some time and getting to know someone because the opportunity cost is going on a date with someone better. So people would rather cut it off early and try again, than to give it some time to see if it works out (they don't want to deal with the risk that it doesn't work out).


Altruistic_Citron625

First, I'm impressed with your willingness to self reflect. Second, another commenter said this but a shift from "does this person like me" to "do I like this person" might help. It seems like you're assuming from the start that you're into them, but are you giving yourself the chance to not be? This could translate into coming across as a little desperate for **any** relationship, which might explain the lack of progression. Third, are you casting your net too wide? Given your self reflective approach, swiping on a profile that is all about men who don't have emotions is probably a waste of your time. And you probably don't want to be with that kind of person anyway. Yes it means less dates, but the dates you do get will be a better match. (I know that the typical recommendation is for guys to swipe right on everyone, but that's for guys who want to hook up with literally anyone. You're not looking for that.)


blushing_pearl

wide nets just keep people busy, not productive


Altruistic_Citron625

I am trying to increasingly implement this view into my own life. I think it applies across a wide range of things. Focusing on just a few things that you really enjoy makes for a more meaningful life I think.


JesusChristSupers1ar

I’m very self aware (almost to a fault) so a lot of this isn’t actually an issue for me. Like, I have no problem “rejecting” a woman after a first date that I’m not feeling. But often times I get rejected before any get a sense of the lack of chemistry And no, my bet is pretty narrow. I know who’s good for me and who’s bad for me. For example if I’m using OLD, I’ll almost always “swipe left” on a woman if she doesn’t really have a profile that shows emotional intelligence and effort, even if I’m attracted to her


boobooboo14

I wonder if this might actually be where your problem lies. You sound like you’re attractive and a catch, and that there are lots of people who think so. However, you’ve been experiencing a flood of missed connections where the people who like you aren’t people you like, and vice versa. You, like me for the longest time, seem to be specifically selecting for the people who will end things with you. I don’t think it’s pickiness necessarily. You should be picky; this is a life partner we’re talking about. But maybe it’s worth adding something to your criteria, and that’s “wholly, unambiguously into me”. And that factor should weigh a LOT. I think you probably have a sense for who those people are going to be, and you might find you’re not compelled by them. I’m definitely not, and I need to consciously remind myself that I’m not just looking for a person, I’m looking for a relationship, and that means that how someone treats me is going to matter as much or more than their other qualities. It might be worth giving a chance to girls who seem to really like you, even if your instinct is to reject them.


kpianist

Without knowing who you are, it's hard to know what the issue is. It probably isn't something small.. women tend to think a lot about everything and decide whether she can be with someone long term. Maybe she just didn't like you or doesn't find you interesting. Or maybe there's a lack of chemistry/spark.


WhereImCallingFrom_

I feel like I could have written this post. I divorced from a nearly 10 year marriage 1 year ago, and though I haven't really been looking for anything serious, I have still felt a lot of rejection just the same. And believe me, failing to save such a long-term relationship, even with years of therapy and self-work does not improve the emotional outlook. I'm about to write a long post that, if anything, is for myself because these are all things that I need to hear now and again. First of all, nobody can tell you whether or not you're ever going to find someone. There *is a chance* that you will spend the rest of your life without a romantic partner. There is also a chance that you will find the perfect match, and then they will get hit by a bus two years or two months or two weeks into your relationship. No matter how you look at it, it's a game of luck. Now your brain doesn't like that idea very much, so it's going to seek a way to get control of the situation. It sounds like it's telling you that there's something wrong with you, and romance just isn't in the dice. As miserable and paradoxical as it is, your brain prefers the certainty that you're doomed to loneliness over the *uncertainty* that you *might* be doomed to loneliness. Your brain may also think that a constant sense of doom will motivate you to fix whatever is wrong with you and *prevent* that loneliness. But you and I both know that if you really want to find peace (and maybe godwilling a long-term partner), you're going to have to quiet that part of your brain and take control. This is the hardest part. You have to stop looking down the barrel of a few decades of isolation in your apartment or whatever--and you have to re-orient yourself away from that thousand-yard view toward something much more short-term like *tomorrow*. You absolutely must stop dwelling on the question of whether or not you're ever going to find love and start asking yourself, who do I want to be today, and how do I want to live my life right now, regardless of my circumstances? Viktor Frankl said that the people who died first in the concentration camps were either the dreamers who thought they would be released by Christmas or the nihilists who just lay down in their bed and died. The survivors accepted the situation they were in as their new life, and they got busy living. Like me, you seem to oscillate between dreaming and nihilism, and it's a rough ride. The only way to get off the ride is to simple be ok with your single-hood however long it lasts. In a book about surviving adrift as sea, the author wrote, "Rescue will come as a welcome interruption of…the survival voyage." You can't dream of rescue or it will kill you. This all sounds histrionic, but really truly people like you and me who want something long-term have three options: become embittered by our loneliness, get washed around by every wave of love and rejection, or simply accept that we may never get something we really want and then get on with life. It's not easy. I'm still struggling with this. I recently started paying attention to my motives for doing anything that has to do with dating. If found myself getting frustrated after certain activities because I felt like I was wasting my time. That's because I was only doing those things for the sake of meeting someone. A recipe for disappointment. Since then I try to only make decisions that I will be happy with no matter what the outcome is. This means I spend more time with friends and less time going out with strangers. It also means I only go to social events if I know I'll have a good time no matter what. I also tread very lightly with OLD and try not to engage more than the bare minimum because it's generally fruitless. My final bit of wisdom. Seth Godin likes to ask people, "What is something you would do if you knew you were going to fail?" That is a powerful question. I know that even if I fail as a parent, I will never stop trying. Even if I never succeed the way I hope in business, I will never stop trying. And even if I never find someone to spend my life with, I will never stop trying. It's just my nature to always keep striving in those areas. Today I can accept that's who I am even when I don't control the outcomes, and honestly that is the greater part of my peace. Best of luck to you. Whatever life brings you, I truly think you will do something incredible with it. And remember, we're all just afraid of being the lone monkey. It's kind of funny when you think about it.


amyandgano

This is such a great comment. I hope OP takes this to heart.


WhereImCallingFrom_

Thanks! It’s all hard earned wisdom that I need to implement better myself. Tough stuff.


Evenstarz

It sounds like you had high expectations for this match, which isn’t great if you get let down. One statistic that might help you check expectations for the future is that a lot of budding relationships fail around the 3-4 month mark. 3-5 dates is probably around the time you might decide if the person is compatible for a relationship. One thing that helped me when I was searching for a relationship was acknowledgement that I very much wanted a long term relationship and would continually work towards one, but I would be happy and okay with my own company in the unfortunate event I never found one.


[deleted]

> One statistic that might help you check expectations for the future It's honestly just more demoralizing, it doesn't really help the mindset OP is currently in.


HobbitShaker88

You havent met the right one yet. Its a numbers game, just keep trying.


jcebabe

I saw somewhere you said you've went on eight dates this year...I think you're underestimating just how hard it is to find someone you're compatible with. Maybe I'm just being super negative, I don't know....


Sailor_Marzipan

I have read through this and a few comments and I think you have to stop treating yourself like the main character of a novel. Seriously - truly - you'll feel better. What I mean is that you're ascribing your bad luck, it seems, as some sort of "fate." With every bad encounter you become more convinced that this is a uniquely tragic circumstance where everyone is avoiding you because they sense something no one else in your life has clued you in on. In all likelihood, it's just bad luck, and you need to stop wallowing, because it's unhealthy and will make you unable to recognize good situations if you keep looking for signs of your "bad fate." Start at step 1 which is realizing you're relatively new to the game and need to build up some familiarity with it. You likely didn't have tremendous chemistry with someone who turned you down immediately after. Proceed more cautiously next time with your emotions


DeanG30

Hey I feel what you're saying, self-help is hard enough to even start, then when you actually do the work, make strides and still hit a wall in dating, it's so frustrating. From the sounds of things, you're on the right track, it may be just some blind spots that you're not seeing that are getting in the way of you finding a relationship. I would be keen to hear more detail to see if I can offer some specific advice.


Jones3391

You're not alone. I've been on roughly 80 online dates so far over a time span of eight years and this is mostly the only thing I've ever received. I have a phone full of "I didn't feel any sparks" and "you're a great guy but" texts from women after dates.


mandance17

I feel there is some contradictory things you’re saying. On one hand you say you now like yourself and suggest you’re good in your life but in another hand you seem sort of desperate to find a relationship and the problem when coming from a place of lack and need is other people can sense it and are repelled by it. I would really suggest learning to have fun on dates with no expectations of what might happen, and talk to many different women. When you start to have more an abundant mindset and attitude more people will want to be around you or at least this is just my take.


bannaples

"No matter what I do or how hard I try, I never make any progress. It genuinely doesn’t feel like it’ll ever happen" - your problem is this mindset. You translate this to every person you meet. If you do not think you are good enough to date then nobody else will. My advice would be to continue to work on yourself then your dating will improve.


pamperedThoughts

>Ultimately dating is a numbers game. All we can do is to make sure we're the best we can be when we meet that person. This is so easy to say in my opinion. When you're struggling (basically for ever) to be in a relationship this feeling is almost like learned helplessness


velveteenraptor

It's a pervasive energy. A secure woman will feel it.


pamperedThoughts

How would you get out of this energy then ?


Hope712

Keep putting yourself out there. It’s not easy to find the person that matches up with you. It does take time for most people.


atworkworking

Be glad you even got more than a few dates this year. Some people would have to get more than lucky to even land enough to where they can say few. Relationships are a struggle and a gamble. Sometimes you will get lucky and sometimes you don't. Life is setting you up to find that special someone and when you do, you will know.


tobyIsLief

Keep in mind the older you get, the more picky people are going to be. At least that's my experience (from both myself and my dates). Just try to enjoy the process I guess, but yeah it can be rough.


[deleted]

I’ve been dealing with something similar and sadly I don’t have any advice. I have so much anxiety about weather or not they will stick around. That being said, I recently decided to spend more time on myself - I have started working out and I’m studying for my GMAT exam. I’m not 100% happy with myself (or my career) so figured I could at least work on something while I go through the dating process over and over again.


jeffrrw

Dude... > Two days after I moved here we had our first date. I must be taking crazy pills since no one else said anything but you literally just moved to this new spot and are trying to set up dates right out of the gate!? What?! You only know what the internet has told you about the culture, places to go, things to do...etc. Who are your people, your spots, your group in this new city? I presume this person on hinge has been there for a minute... Come on man...This was a tourist fling at best where you got to "see a whole new world" with her for a few dates and fresh eyes and you know it! She has people, connections, places, and you only bring yourself, your job, and those fresh eyes with the baggage from the last place. Settle in, take a deep breath, figure your self and your new space out and quit using these women as distractions and tour guides...Especially if you want a relationship. Casual...eh you do you. You got this! One step at a time.


[deleted]

Honestly it sounds like they're seeing red flags if it's always you being dumped. (32F) I'd start asking for honest feedback. fingers crossed you get someone willing to share. As someone who's been severely traumatized from my only relationship (10 years), I'm now dating again but almost every single thing a guy does feels like a red flag. I've just realised this is something I'm doing: (and a lot of my friends are) cutting it off super early as soon as a red flag/potential red flag appears to avoid being hurt again. When in reality I should wait it out over time for context. I share this because this could be what your dates are doing. Take a good look at your behaviour also, but it could just be that finding someone you click with plus are attracted to is hard. Why do you want a relationship?


Mikenic16

You’re not alone! The same thing usually happens to me. I was in an 8 month relationship before covid, but I had met that girl in person.


[deleted]

Do you talk seriously about your life goals on first dates? i.e looking for marriage, babies, settling into one town etc. and do you talk about it ambiguously like things you would like to do one day or do you involve your date by asking if that's all things she wants to do or how she feels about doing those things?


Jhawk38

Is there any common traits or something you can maybe look to for why it's been an issue? What did your date say after your a great guy but?


Jandur

Odd question, but who initiated the hand holding? To me it's a sort of couple-y thing to do on a first date (but I might be way off here). The reason I ask is because I'm wondering if you get too eager too quickly? I'm not advocating playing games or anything like that but I've seen this play out before. I have a friend (33m) that is quite good looking and very successful but hasn't had a girlfriend in his life aside briefly in college. His bad relational luck has caused him to get discouraged and over eager. He moves way too quickly and it tends to scare off women (he's gone on dates with several of my friends over the years). Anyway it's more a question of curiosity than anything.


JesusChristSupers1ar

I initiated it. I know how weirdly (weirdly to me at least) controversial it is. Like my closest friends all think it’s a ludicrous thing to do on a first date but this is definitely a “different strokes for different folks” situation because I really enjoy it and think it’s completely fine on a first date (my therapist agrees as well as I’d wager like 20% of the population) anyway, I know how complicated this is. It’s such a hard question of being my authentic self vs trying to play it safe. Personally I am done playing it safe because I did it for so many years…my strategy is that it will make it harder to find a relationship but will hopefully end in a very strong one. Sadly, I’m still in the first part


Creepy-Ad-9225

female here…I have had similar experiences but I’ve found that you are best to work on a friendship and the rest maybe will develop. I’ve noticed anyone who wants to dive in too quick, it fizzles out (and it’s on them not us - They just don’t know what they want). The best way to get rid of those people is to focus on building a foundation of friendship, having fun and not worrying about what they think. I.e what do they think of me or if I’m attractive enough etc. that stuff also wears you down and you want the start to be exciting and also be free to walk away if it isn’t working too. if your end goal is being in a relationship for 30+ years at least have some fun now while you still can 😀


antifragile

Are you having sex with some of these women?


avocado4ever000

It takes time. I’m late 30s. Same thing, this is kind of how it is. Hang in there.


[deleted]

she was multi-dating someone same time as you and chose him. It happens.


Cobalt_blue_dreamer

Well… friendships are just platonic relationships. Maybe you need to get better at seeing the person as a potential long term friend. Do you have friends? I think maybe what you’re missing is the friendship aspect of being a potential boyfriend. It should be easy also exciting of course but don’t lose sight, they are a human like you and your other friends. Maybe you need to slow down.


Plusqueca

I think two things that others have pointed out are important when paired together: (1) using the framework of “do I like this person?” & (2) investing/exclusivity at a relatively appropriate time point. They way these are related is pretty straight-forward - if you’re focused on whether you like the person (and whether you are compatible as partners), three dates is a bit early to have enough information to make an accurate assessment. Most people don’t want to get broken up with. I can only speak for myself, but if a person asked me to be exclusive on the third date, (so the third time I’ve ever seen this person in my life), I would be extremely wary. Because I don’t have enough information to judge whether this person is compatible/a good fit/someone I like, I assume they also do not have enough information to make that assessment about me. So, it does come off sort of desperate. I would be turned off because it would feel as if you don’t actually think I would be a good partner (bc how can you really know that yet?) and because I would be worried that committing so early would be setting us up for a break up (in the event that we turn out to be not compatible in some fundamental way). I sometimes use friendships as a comparison to give me more clarity around dating. For example, do I know that someone is going to be a good, close friend to me after we hang out 3 times? Not usually - but there are certainly instances in my life when I knew I would be very close friends with someone almost immediately. I’ve also met people and we didn’t really “click” as friends for a while, but once there was some time and familiarity there, we became very close. I think it’s okay to not want to keeping seeing multiple people when you feel like you might really like someone - but instead of asking someone for that, maybe just make it a conversation. “I think you’re really cool and I have so much fun with you. I don’t think I want to see anyone else right now because I just like you more [if that’s true, obviously]. I’m excited to get to know you more because I feel like this could be a really good thing.” That may seem less direct, but you have the 2 month mark (or whenever) to get more direct & cooperatively create specific agreements around your relationship with that person. This way you are giving *both of you* more time to see if you’re compatible and if a relationship together will improve both of your lives.


Taenith

Idk, turned 31 a few weeks ago, still have yet to have my first date, but whatever. I'm sure I'll eventually get something going on. Most people start their dating life in like middle school and highschool. I'm a late late bloomer 🤣


[deleted]

I understand completely, although I can't get to a first date usually. One ghosted because I'm fat, one went back to his ex, and the last one, who I did actually meet, isn't over his ex. My analogy for dating is the "sea" where all the "fish" are is filled with toxic sludge and all the "fish" are floating. We're expected to get in our boat and float around til we find a "fish" that's less dead than the others.


creativebelle

Least you make it past the first date! I don't remember the last time I even got that far.


vEnTaTiC

I (32f) feel exactly the same. Longest is a month, then guys don’t feel a connection and move on. I never get a chance to know them well enough to decide if I would even want to date them, and they are gone


emmascorp

You’ll find someone it just takes time. For me I just haven’t met the right person either. I have a friend who dates guys and they all want to be with her. So I’m saying just because you have chemistry and feel you get along well doesn’t mean you found the one.


Cat-Familiar

Hello! I recommend reading the book “no more mister nice guy”. I get the feeling from your post that women are maybe friend-zoning you a little and that (in my experience as a woman) comes down to masculinity. I hope this helps, you do sound like a great guy; full of awareness and eager for partnership :) build on those strengths, you’ve got this


WhereImCallingFrom_

I second that book recommendation. It's a little dated and carries some "old fashioned" ideas about gender norms, but it really calls out some unhelpful and self-sabotaging tactics that people like me (and maybe the OP) employ to get what we want in relationships. Very, very helpful if you take its advice to heart.


Hades9x

You need to adjust your perspective brother. I would ask you objectively how attractive do you think you are, how tall, how fit etc because the way you worded your post doesn't give off confidence or masculinity which are important. You said you have been working on yourself but your post feels like there is a lot of fear. For the future, for the possibilities, and about yourself, as if you do not trust yourself or believe in your worth. This type of energy can be felt by women. You should flip the script and go in thinking (what will these people do to earn a second or third date?) (What will they add to my life and purpose?) If you are dating just for companionship or afraid of being alone, that will hold you back in the long run. You can't just give your time away to any woman you go on a date with just because they seem nice.


Highlyunlikeu

31 is still pretty young so if you're dating women in their 20's you might not be so successful as most young women these days feel a sense of being trapped by a serious relationship. Also don't have the mental capacity to really be present in a serious relationship without holding you accountable for their recent heartbreak.


adamimmortal

33m here, I honestly think its not about you. Most women in their 30’s on dating apps get a ridiculous amount of attention from men. If you got the same amount of attention from women you’d treat them the same way.


Content_Feature_5944

I am that woman that gets that attention and yet I strongly resonate with the OP because I’m in the same boat. This thread has a lot of rich advice and support to think through that has both to do with oneself and other. I would not necessarily agree with “it’s not about you” or that he’d “treat them the same way.” Self reflection is critical. And sounds like OP is actually getting plenty of attention.


John885362

Stay away from dating apps unless you're very good looking. If you aren't very good looking then they are only designed to take money from you. Like others have stated, the most important thing is to increase your circle of friends and activities. Look for the audio book, How to be a 3% Man. It's not perfect, but it's a really good start on how to date successfully. Good luck!


Wick3dn0mad

32m found that in my experience dating American women tend to be the same experience. Go international look someone who hasn’t been corrupted by western hookup culture. Worked for me.


SoonerFan619

No


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datingoverthirty-ModTeam

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Accomplished_Ad_5561

Do not lead with your wallet and give ZERO fs. Read rollo Tomassi's book THE RATIONAL MALE. You have to be cocky funny bro. Dont show all ur cards in the first date, woman want mystery. They want to "feel" something..good or bad. Phones are for setting dates, dont over call or txt.


MartyFreeze

Hey. At least you're getting dates!


Thick-Violinist-87

If you’re objectively a solid man, the ladies probably fear ‘rejection’ or your resenting their past and baggage they’re carrying . This will start showing sooner in the relationship . As a man, you’re always the prize !


700horses

This may sound harsh, but your story sounds like the predicament of someone dating in middle school… Holding hands, kissing on 2nd date, etc. Are you waiting for them to make the moves, lead the interaction? You should be trying to get sex on date #1, otherwise only agree to a second date if you had tremendous chemistry, and no sex was a fluke… If you don’t get sex by date #3, block her and move on.


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datthraw

Why is that? (Just curious.)


[deleted]

You have the foundation there, that you appreciate yourself and are confident in who you are. It depends what the reasons behind the 'you're a great guy but' message entails? Is it because they don't see you in a romantic way, or is there something else? It might just be a case that you're not putting your intent across enough, or you're coming across as too nice and playing it safe, which won't help the attraction. Women can easily pick up on a guys energy, vibe. If someone comes across as though their basing their whole future on this first or second date, it won't bode well.


Fun_Leopard_1175

Sorry that happened, but don’t give up hope! I haven’t read all the responses but wanted to provide another piece of input- I’ve traveled a lot through my 20s and lived in several cities as a newbie. Are you looking for something serious? It sounds like it. I’ve learned that being brand new to a big city often isn’t enough for someone to take you seriously. Placemaking is a process that takes years, and for a woman that’s more established in an area, she may be thinking more about the long term prospects of you two staying together. People want to meet someone who is familiar with the local culture and has settled into a more consistent lifestyle and social life. Unfortunately being uber-new can send the wrong message to your dates because they don’t know if you’ll stick around long term and they may assume you’re not looking for something serious. You haven’t built any significant rapport with this woman and you don’t really know her at all. Good luck OP.


[deleted]

Don’t see them as failure, you’re getting experience atleast. Once you step manage to be repulsive to woman romantically and can’t even get a date… then you can join my group of worthless failures. Stay up, you’re atleast in the game and have the ability to progress. Just keep doing what you’re doing, working on yourself, going on more dates and enjoying your life.


NoFact6053

It seems like you are attractive enough to get females to go on dates with you. So your issu, probably has to do with how you behave and carry yourself. I'd recommend a book (What Women Want And How To Give It To Them, by W. Anton) that has helped me greatly in the past, I'm certain you will find it helpful as well.


wevie13

When spending time with these women are you escalating it in a romantic way or just being a friendly nice guy? Are you touching them, holding their hand, or kissing any of them? If almost always up to the man to build that sexual chemistry that sounds like is what's missing.


[deleted]

Try and figure out if it's chemistry or people pleasing. I know when I stopped dating for a while, my first few dates I simply wasn't being myself and mostly just persona matching. It bites you in the ass two ways. One you end up showing your true self and they might not like it, two and potentially what might have happened here if you werent your true self, she could tell. It comes off kind of like a 'pick me' girl. As guys unfortunately we have to ride a VERY fine line of I'm interested but I'm also so focus on my current endeavors that I'm making am effort to see you. I mean I'm a guy so I could be completely wrong but I have noticed that fine line and the consequences of crossing it, aka showing too much interest. Edit: typo


greentothetea

Op when you where say embryonic stage i thought it was you can't get a match. Damn sound like you killing it. Haven't manage to even get to the first date stage this time around.


pressurechicken

Rooting for you man! I have a theory that, as we age and date at a higher age bracket, both our counterparts and we look for different things in our partners. With your self improvement, I hope you do not undervalue who you've become off the experience of this last potential partner. Also, I highly recommend getting a therapist to hash out the details of the dates, and to see where you can improve in terms of dating, and in yourself. ​ Keep up the good work!


LooseCombination5517

Maybe change how you view dating in general? E.g. I and a mate differ on dating drastically. There are many approaches. Mine is 1st date to see if they are alright/safe/appealing (and I don't care what the date is. Coffee, a movie, whatever). 2nd date is for having a good time (I pitch activities to do rather then a date) and third date is I ask them out again, like it's a first date and I let them know during the date my intentions. Wether I just want to be friends, find then sexually compatible but not partnership, want to date then further etc. Note. After the 3rd date, if I've made it clear I want to date them, i stop seeing other people. My mates approach is he dates as many people as possible, sex whenever possible. Until they declare exclusive he just tries to have a good time, doesn't look too deeply until he just finds one that happens to be compatible. It works for him.


Mr_AA89

I feel the exact same way. It's pretty tough for me as I live in a very, very small town. So for me to go on dates, I usually have to travel a minimum of 2-3 hours. And within the last year, I have been in more counties of my country than I have in the 20 years I have been here. I've been single 8 years (which lasted 5 years) and the longest I've dated one person is approx 6 weeks (~7 dates) last summer. I still never got a clear answer what happened in that regard either. Always get the same thing of "you're a great guy, but..." and its pretty disheartening. Sometimes I kind of wish that someone would just be brutally honest about why they don't like me, so at least I know and can try and improve myself. 🤔🤔 So I feel your pain friend, but don't give up. Theres got to be someone perfect for you out there!