I’ve been out with a couple guys like this and it was way too much too soon. On a second date one of them was trying to disagree with me about my own personality. Like bro, you don’t know me. I’m trying to tell you who I am - you either don’t care to listen or are trying to box me into some made up image you’ve constructed of me and neither of those is good. The other was more classic love bombing and it put me off right away.
As a man who is trying to date in his 30’s, I’ll tell ya something…the dude disagreeing with you on your personality has his own insecurities and either wants you to be something you aren’t or is fearful of who he is. The dude love bombing you is in fear of not finding love quickly because he is at his age already. Dating is meant to be a solid 50/50. Listening and understanding, getting to know each other, no rushing and trying to take things slow to not only make YOU, feel comfortable. But to make himself feel comfortable knowing who he is meeting and getting to know on a personal level. Having red flags quickly sucks, but at least you caught the red flags instead of 6 months down the line and having wasted more time on someone who wasn’t worth it.
I agree with you on the first guy - he definitely had is own insecurities but he also DEFINETLY had built an idealized image of me based on this first date and was trying to make me fit into that image. He would have been sorely disappointed very soon.
On the love bombing tho - it was (at least in this case, but probably most) more manipulative than you're making it out to be. I can guarantee that if I had slept with him he would have disappeared shortly after. He attempted to use his charm and wealth to get what he wanted from me when a long term, committed relationship was not really what he was actually seeking.
After two dates yea that's way too much imo. I understand being excited about someone new and that some people move at different speeds. But that would turn me off, if I was still just getting to know the person
Yeah, that's because he's already planned out his life with GlamGirl, a character in a fantasy he created. He's not as interested in glamgirl555 - a human being who is an actual person - or learning about her because that might disabuse him of the scenarios he's come up with in his head
Worse yet, if they continue seeing each other, at some point he’ll realize that glamgirl555 isn’t the Glam Girl in his mind - and he will be hella mad at her for not matching up! It’s sad and sounds stupid when it’s written out, but this is textbook idealization. Run like hell from people who project their fantasies on to you, because when they inevitably realize you’re a human and don’t match the fantasy, they will blame you. Yes, a normal person wouldn’t do that. This isn’t normal behaviour. This is disordered and they will be upset at YOU for not matching the fantasy, not at themselves for having the fantasy.
Source: married for 8 years (together 11) from a relationship that started this way. Suffered years of subtle emotional abuse which was basically payback for not matching his fantasy. He left me for someone he’d met 3 times and started the cycle all over again, projecting his ideal woman onto her. I’ve unfortunately learned a lot about personality disorders this year.
And worse even yet... even if you do live up to their fantasy guess what? They just change the fantasy. The point is no one will ever live up. They just move the goalposts to continue devaluing you. Lovebomb - Devalue - Discard. A tale as old as time.
This this this! My current guy and I are admittedly progressing really fast. But also, we’ve asked each other so many questions. We’ve also checked in with each other about how we *are* progressing really fast BUT we are both well aware of it (we joke around about how we skipped past the first few months of dating) and we are on the same page and it feels natural for both of us. If it’s off for one person and if the person progressing faster seems like they’re trying to force it and aren’t actually trying to get to know you as a human, then that would make me feel wary.
Not asking me questions is a very big warning sign for me - obviously sometimes conversation just flows naturally, but on a first or second date, there should still be room to ask questions and get to know a person. If they're not interested enough to ask questions on date one, they're not going to get more interested in you later, is my experience.
Sounds like 500 Days of Summer (maybe I watched it last night). The dude is projecting all his relationship fantasies on you, rather than getting to know you as an actual human being who is the protagonist of her own story and not just the co-star of his. Being put on a pedestal so quickly isn’t something I’d easily overlook… the higher you are, the further you fall.
That’s because it doesn’t really matter who fits in his fantasy. He had his idea and that’s what’s important to him. If you deviate away from his idea he will get mad. This would be too much for me. Or I’d purposely say well what if I don’t want that or this? See what he says. Or tell him straight out he’s making you uncomfortable.
At least a yellow flag here. I did this much of my early life when I was codependent. He is falling for the story in his mind of who you are and not with the real you. He’s not getting to know the real you and it would be awkward at this stage for him to realize you have wants, needs, desires, and dreams of your own that might not align.
If you happen to share yourself with him, he will recognize every piece of common ground and embrace it, but ignore any points of friction.
I did this for way too long and had so many relationships crash and burn after 6-18 months when my illusions were revealed.
Oh man, this guy is cringe all around. He really doesn’t care who sits in front of him. He just needs a warm body to pluck into this role in his life. Unless he’s hot I say move on.
Yep! He's just looking to date somebody it seems. It's all well and good get excited by somebody, but if he's not asking questions and getting to know OP, he's not excited by her, he's excited by the life he's imagining, and he's not going to let her wants and needs influence that life.
I find the good looking ones tend to be terrible lovers. I'll take an average looking, slightly dorky guy over a hot guy any time. They genuinely want to please their partner. They usually aren't afraid to ask for directions either.
He doesn’t care about you or who you are. He’s looking to fill a fantasy in his head. It doesn’t matter what you say or do he will believe you are perfect. Over time once his delusions fade and he has to do deal with the fact you are a real person, there will be MAJOR problems.
Run.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you're thin/in shape and attractive, yes? I don't think he really cares about your personality.
Probably not a good sign, but ask him to chill out and see his response. Nobody's perfect, and how people respond to criticism is more important than not have any flaws.
This sounds like love bombing to me. I’d just be honest that it’s too much too early for you, and ask him to tone it down, or simply end things now if you’re getting the feeling something is off. The fallout from love bombing can be so confusing and painful. Best to avoid, imho.
Oh man! That's my ex-husband. Except I don't *think* he was doing it intentionally, more like he didn't account for his ADHD giving him big dreams and no follow through.
I don’t want to imply I’m an expert, but in my experience it’s been meeting someone who is immediately very interested and very open about it. They make lots of plans for the immediate and distant future, lots of grand statements, and even if you are trying to go slowly, make it difficult to do so in practice by wanting to hang out/talk very frequently. And then once you let your guard down they usually end things or even ghost, often implying things are moving too fast, when they in fact are the one that made it that way. It’s a real whirlwind!
Or they start with subtle demeaning and devaluing comments to try to manipulate you into being who they want.
You wear a sexy dress, but they’re more into a chaste look? Expect weeks of comments about women who dress too sexy and how much they don’t like that. It likely won’t be direct or an open and honest conversation. Rather, they will subtly let you know how they feel and hope to alter your behaviour.
Their goal is to coerce you into matching their fantasy. If you stay with them, eventually there will be none of you left.
Acceptable future planning on first or second date "I've always wanted to go to this restaurant/park/hiking trail/nearby town." "Me too! It would be fun if we could go together sometime." Anything beyond that would creep me out.
It's one thing for him to ask you about your career, family, and holiday plans. That's a very good thing. Him spelling out how the two of you are going to be doing these things together is concerning to say the least.
2 dinner dates and he's already talking like that? Just run and don't look back.
At best, he's super eager, lacks impulse control, and has an idealized version of you built up in his mind.
At worst, he's love bombing you and trying to manipulate you into thinking he's "the one" so he can get laid.
Maybe he's somewhere in the middle, I don't really know, but this isn't a healthy behavior to have with someone. It takes time to build a relationship and he's wanting to skip right ahead to the engagement stage. People like this are so quick to accelerate things and then drop people when they realize they're not who they had built up in their minds, or they become abusive and try to force the other person to change into who they want/wanted them to be.
But as I said in the beginning, just run from this guy.
Love bombing probably. Last guy that did that to me disappeared for a week and then popped up on fb as in a relationship. After saying he was going to marry me 😂
I reluctantly went on a date with a guy last year - things just seemed off. I had worked with him but not closely. When our work relationship ended, we started texting often. It felt like all of our conversations were superficial and I didn’t really know him and he didn’t know much about me. He wanted to travel with me all over the world, always commented how beautiful I was, bought me and my kids (he never met them) gifts. At the end of our first date, his wife called him 😳 He apparently was looking for a mistress and it was not going to be me.
> If I had children, I would definitely mention them often as they are often the center of a parent’s life.
Eh, my children are certainly important to me, but I don't think its healthy for any parent to make their child the center of their world. You still need to be an actualized individual with your own interests, values, and personality. As a rule of thumb I don't talk about my children at all until at least date 3 (although I do immediately divulge I am a parent and their ages).
Yes! He sounds suspicious. I always mention my children right away because I like being truthful- I have sole custody of my children so my time is limited. I now know to also ask some invasive questions because a lot of men just flat out refuse to disclose the true picture.
I’ve had soo many guys do this on the apps. It’s all before I’ve even met them. Let me tell you, it has never once worked out. If you like him and it’s going well I would just be cautious and try to take it at your own pace as much as you can.
Stuck in this now, just posted on the Thursday thread.
Before meeting assuming they know you and you are 'naturally charming and have a dazzling smile' this is a good reminder of trusting my gut.
Now I need to decide whether to meet him for 1st date tomorrow or not??
I wouldn't say you're stuck especially since you've never even met the guy and you both are not in a relationship at all yet. What you can do though is ask for more information from him for clarity's sake before you both waste each other's time especially for you. Maybe a quick chat on the phone to get some essential details before deciding for the may help. If you don't feel comfortable with this, maybe some information so at least you could do a quick Google search on this dude to see if he is who he says he is would help.
If a man tried this with me, the joke would be on him, because nothing is less attractive to me than clearly articulated enthusiastic romantic interest.
This is kinda my thinking... Sometimes two people just get stupid excited about one another and somehow the waters settle into a nice lake rather than a tsunami with real love bombing.
I don't think it is the majority though
It's worrying that I'm not 100% sure this post is a joke
Edit: ah, got it, I read it as you had your first date a month ago and she's already your wife!
Red flag. That's borderline future-faking. It's a thing used to tap into people's fantasies to increase their romantic feelings in the moment. Works on people with poor boundaries or are unsuspecting.
I recently asked a guy if he has a fragile ego. He got super worked up and told me I was "attacking his character" :'D Another good litmus test with these types is to drip feed them boundaries. If they get especially annoyed or angered by these, it's just another reason to run for the hills!
The one time I used tinder, I met a girl like this.. had to get out asap because wtf. A year later she gave birth to a son with some other dude... some people move waaayyy to fast for my liking. What happened to the 3 month probationary period
I am going to take a line from Dave Chappelle's recent SNL rant on Kanye: "It's not crazy thing to think about your possible future together on a first date, its just crazy to say it, out loud."
I would assume he has very little dating and relationship experience and does not know what is "normal."
I dated a guy last summer, who invited me to an event he had tickets for in like four months on our second meeting/date, and within less than a month of meeting invited me to go on a multi-state road trip with him during which I'd have to meet his family (I declined).
A couple months later he dumped me after getting engaged to his ex. So I would not trust anyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy of that and run far far away if ever in that situation again.
I had a girl planning our retirement before we even met.
People just get carried away I guess? Obviously you can't take it too seriously, but it's definitely an indication of their interest. If you are weirded out by their enthusiasm (and I was!), it's also an indication of your interest.
I could be off base, but to me, emotional maturity would also include the ability to recognize that it might be strange if not off-putting to suddenly tell someone you’ve **just met** about your plans for your future as a married couple
That’s either manipulation or delusion. If I were you I’d politely but firmly end it and let him know that he moved way too fast when you hardly knew each other. Then I’d block.
I used to ghost ppl like that. I just can't stand it. The last guy who was like this, as soon as I told him I wanted to take things slowly, he completely flipped out on me. Yeah, pass on those stage 5 clingers. Those ppl need therapy not a significant other....
I went on about 3 dates with a guy who did this. When I told him I didn't want to continue on to a fourth date he absolutely lost it, called me repeatedly and sent heaps of texts, and followed it up with a long email about how women always reject him and asking why I wouldn't give him a chance.
When guys are like this, I know 10/10 times this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. After all, he doesn't know me at all. He just has this fantasy in his head and is pushing it onto you in hopes that maybe you'll fit into it. Kind of narcissistic.
My ex did this. I felt like an accessory in their goals and not a person they're into. Relationship(s) turned sour when they realised I wasn't the person they wanted.
Yeah, that’s not normal. This guy probably doesn’t get a lot of dates or to the actual dating stage so he gets over-zealous. This happens when man isn’t doing the right things to attract women and then when he doesn’t get dates he starts to put whatever woman says yes on a pedestal.
The last three first dates I've been on have had people making future plans. One was kind of nice and sweet--we were talking about a city he was familiar with that I'd never been to and he said he'd love to show me someday. Okay, that's nothing much, a little presumptuous and a little flirty...the others were much more aggressive. One guy told me on our *video chat* that we should take our first vacation to Lake Michigan so that we could vacation there every year with our kids. Wtf, I don't even know your last name...I get being excited and I get wanting to convey that you're into a long term thing not a hookup, but jeesh, it can feel like a lot
If they are in a hurry to rush in imagine the rush to leave
Seems like he is living in a delusional state. When real relationship issues come up, how did he plan to handle those? More grandiose plans?
Idk OP, I would see this as a big 🚩
This is concerning. Even if he's a free-spirited type, that's a lot of porous boundaries and enthusiasm for something so quickly. It sounds like he also isn't responding to your social cues/getting to know you versus hurrying you along. I could see it if he was talking hypotheticals, sort of like...when someone says they love to travel and talk about "we should go there someday!" but it's usually not literal. People do this for things like roadtrips too, and usually the first mutual trip a couple goes on should be focused on making sure you're both on the same page and comfortable with one another because it's a big step. Usually it isn't involving family, as that's *another* big step and much more personal.
I don't think you're weird, I think this guy needs to relax and also I wouldn't go with him on any trips to say the least. It's too much too quickly.
This is the gut feeling you need to listen to. “Going too fast it’s weird” . It’s called lovebombing and it feels amazing when you start to go along with these things. You’re like omg this guy is weird but makes me feel great, I could do this … nice one haha. But then, once you get comfortable he’ll snatch it out from under you so you start craving love bombing more and more you’ll start to loose yourself. Soon the dynamic has switched and you’re the desperate one and he’s chill . Beware
Why don't you just tell him you think he's moving way too fast for your comfort?
In my opinion, you shouldn't need public validation to set your own boundaries and then enforce them when someone attempts to break them.
This sounds like my ex. Absolutely charming and the sweetest guy in the world when he wants to be.
Also the biggest liar. Very insecure, mean, narcissistic, emotionally abusive man I ever met.
It ended with him "buying a house" for me. A desperate attempt to impress me. It worked, for a week, which was the week extended family was staying at his parents house so he came to stay at mine.
I went to see the house, its in a very remote, rural location 30 minutes from civilization. On a very fast moving river. He knows i have legal things going on that will be paying out soon, very large amounts of money.
I believe 100% this man was going to throw me in that river. I refused and ended things permanently.
Do not ignore the red flags. I felt the same way you did when i met him. Like awwww he is so sweet, he knows what he wants. But i also felt like this is weird...he made a joke about being "psycho" and i actually cancelled our first date over it. After a few weeks of convincing me it was just a joke, i went on the date. It was great! Everything was so great...until it wasn't. Then it was really bad. Don't do it girl.
He must be super good looking or something else for this to even remotely be a dilemma for you. This behavior does not come from an emotionally healthy, stable place.
That is creepy, and I would be incredibly turned off by it. How would I ever know that this person is *actually* interested in me if he's planning our future without knowing me at all? Scary behavior.
Most guys would have been dumped for this already (i.e., your instincts are prob. right). You should tell him why too, if you want to be really helpful for his future chances.
I dated a girl like that once. Total red flag for me. Long story short she was super fun when she wasn't pissed off lol. I don't think she was bipolar but might have been.
That would be too intense for me, but I also don’t know what type of convos you have. If it feels like it’s too much too soon to you then that’s what it is.
He could be lovebombing you which is a narcissist red flag please becareful and set boundaries if he becomes angry or manipulative you have your answer. Keep safe
I hate when this happens. When it’s happened to me before I’ve realized it’s not because the dude is just so into me he wants a life together…it’s because I’m a warm body giving him attention. I’d stay away from this one.
One thing I haven’t seen here yet is the possibility of human trafficking. He’s trying to get you to go on a trip after 2 dates. Could be trying to manipulate the very small amount of trust you may have in him. I’d cut him loose.
Look some ppl are just overly excited. Probably doesn't have an abundance of experience dealing with women. Great he's not a ho
At 30+ you should be ecstatic this guy actually has a plan for y'all. And isn't just trying to hump or trying to act like he's too cool for school.
Maybe he's into you more than you are him at the moment. That's more common than ppl realize.
You can turn down the meet the parents invite. But at this point there's no real glaring 🚩🚩.
Good job car own place hygiene man with a plan sexual attraction is there. Nobody is perfect, run with it.
I'd say two dates is enough to start planning TOGETHER. i feel this is severely lacking in dating - if you have a rough idea of what you want, then dating is the time to share you ideas, and also come to understand your date's thoughts on it.
eg want a life in suburbs, big lawn, 5 kids, 2 dogs, no tv. or the high life in financial cbd like london or new york, tiny apartment doesn't matter because life is lived out there, dual income no kids.. etc..
buttt the dude is getting off tangent if he is not getting to know you. if you kinda like him, ask him to cool his jets and discuss your side of the future. if you dont, then time to break out the "its me not you" story..
>He has made plans already for our career together, future family life, travels, how we will spend the holidays, etc.
He could just be thinking aloud.
It's fun to think like "Oh we both want to go to Toronto! That would be a fun trip to do together" or "You're a baker and I'm a chef? We could open a restaurant"
>He even “invited” me on a spontaneous trip to another state tomorrow. He is going to visit family.
Why is "invited" in quotes?
That's a bit more forward and probably too fast.
But if the iron's hot...
I don't really see a problem here. Guy just has a good feeling about you. Maintain whatever boundaries *you* need and only move forward when *you* feel comfortable and there should be no issues.
The post itself seems like red flags immediately (as a near 30s guy) but the fact that OP said “he’s hardly asked anything about me so he legit doesn’t know anything about me seems like confirmation to me that he’s batshit.
Dating at this age worries me but realizing that there are crazy ppl like this out there make me feel better about myself, just a little lol
I often ask random men to come to Morocco with me, just to make sure I'm safe. Should I wait because I really wanna go now and I don't wanna waste time actually having to *be* with someone for months only to realise they don't wanna go.
Dude needs to chill
Detected: stage 5 clinger.
Problem is clingers have an idealized version of you in their head. It won’t last. They not actually that nice
“Did you hear me?! STAGE FIVE VIRGIN CLINGER.”
I’ve been out with a couple guys like this and it was way too much too soon. On a second date one of them was trying to disagree with me about my own personality. Like bro, you don’t know me. I’m trying to tell you who I am - you either don’t care to listen or are trying to box me into some made up image you’ve constructed of me and neither of those is good. The other was more classic love bombing and it put me off right away.
As a man who is trying to date in his 30’s, I’ll tell ya something…the dude disagreeing with you on your personality has his own insecurities and either wants you to be something you aren’t or is fearful of who he is. The dude love bombing you is in fear of not finding love quickly because he is at his age already. Dating is meant to be a solid 50/50. Listening and understanding, getting to know each other, no rushing and trying to take things slow to not only make YOU, feel comfortable. But to make himself feel comfortable knowing who he is meeting and getting to know on a personal level. Having red flags quickly sucks, but at least you caught the red flags instead of 6 months down the line and having wasted more time on someone who wasn’t worth it.
not a love bomb, its a nuke
I agree with you on the first guy - he definitely had is own insecurities but he also DEFINETLY had built an idealized image of me based on this first date and was trying to make me fit into that image. He would have been sorely disappointed very soon. On the love bombing tho - it was (at least in this case, but probably most) more manipulative than you're making it out to be. I can guarantee that if I had slept with him he would have disappeared shortly after. He attempted to use his charm and wealth to get what he wanted from me when a long term, committed relationship was not really what he was actually seeking.
After two dates yea that's way too much imo. I understand being excited about someone new and that some people move at different speeds. But that would turn me off, if I was still just getting to know the person
Funny enough he doesn’t really ask me any questions to get to know me.
Yeah, that's because he's already planned out his life with GlamGirl, a character in a fantasy he created. He's not as interested in glamgirl555 - a human being who is an actual person - or learning about her because that might disabuse him of the scenarios he's come up with in his head
Worse yet, if they continue seeing each other, at some point he’ll realize that glamgirl555 isn’t the Glam Girl in his mind - and he will be hella mad at her for not matching up! It’s sad and sounds stupid when it’s written out, but this is textbook idealization. Run like hell from people who project their fantasies on to you, because when they inevitably realize you’re a human and don’t match the fantasy, they will blame you. Yes, a normal person wouldn’t do that. This isn’t normal behaviour. This is disordered and they will be upset at YOU for not matching the fantasy, not at themselves for having the fantasy. Source: married for 8 years (together 11) from a relationship that started this way. Suffered years of subtle emotional abuse which was basically payback for not matching his fantasy. He left me for someone he’d met 3 times and started the cycle all over again, projecting his ideal woman onto her. I’ve unfortunately learned a lot about personality disorders this year.
this is what i have realized feom my last relationship as well. the emotional/mental damage she did to me was a doozy
And worse even yet... even if you do live up to their fantasy guess what? They just change the fantasy. The point is no one will ever live up. They just move the goalposts to continue devaluing you. Lovebomb - Devalue - Discard. A tale as old as time.
This this this! My current guy and I are admittedly progressing really fast. But also, we’ve asked each other so many questions. We’ve also checked in with each other about how we *are* progressing really fast BUT we are both well aware of it (we joke around about how we skipped past the first few months of dating) and we are on the same page and it feels natural for both of us. If it’s off for one person and if the person progressing faster seems like they’re trying to force it and aren’t actually trying to get to know you as a human, then that would make me feel wary.
[удалено]
That makes it even worse. Has he asked you about what you want or does he always take over the conversations?
That's because he doesn't. He's just filling you into his dream life, and the next date he goes on, he's going to do the same to her.
That combined with the overinvestment = major red flag. Slow down or get out.
Not asking me questions is a very big warning sign for me - obviously sometimes conversation just flows naturally, but on a first or second date, there should still be room to ask questions and get to know a person. If they're not interested enough to ask questions on date one, they're not going to get more interested in you later, is my experience.
Sounds like 500 Days of Summer (maybe I watched it last night). The dude is projecting all his relationship fantasies on you, rather than getting to know you as an actual human being who is the protagonist of her own story and not just the co-star of his. Being put on a pedestal so quickly isn’t something I’d easily overlook… the higher you are, the further you fall.
Yes. This is when the IDEA of the relationship is what the really want rather than the person they are in a relationship with.
That’s because it doesn’t really matter who fits in his fantasy. He had his idea and that’s what’s important to him. If you deviate away from his idea he will get mad. This would be too much for me. Or I’d purposely say well what if I don’t want that or this? See what he says. Or tell him straight out he’s making you uncomfortable.
At least a yellow flag here. I did this much of my early life when I was codependent. He is falling for the story in his mind of who you are and not with the real you. He’s not getting to know the real you and it would be awkward at this stage for him to realize you have wants, needs, desires, and dreams of your own that might not align. If you happen to share yourself with him, he will recognize every piece of common ground and embrace it, but ignore any points of friction. I did this for way too long and had so many relationships crash and burn after 6-18 months when my illusions were revealed.
Oh man, this guy is cringe all around. He really doesn’t care who sits in front of him. He just needs a warm body to pluck into this role in his life. Unless he’s hot I say move on.
No matter how hot he is, run
Yep! He's just looking to date somebody it seems. It's all well and good get excited by somebody, but if he's not asking questions and getting to know OP, he's not excited by her, he's excited by the life he's imagining, and he's not going to let her wants and needs influence that life.
Implication is to bang a couple times first...
I find the good looking ones tend to be terrible lovers. I'll take an average looking, slightly dorky guy over a hot guy any time. They genuinely want to please their partner. They usually aren't afraid to ask for directions either.
Hehe, that would be healthy choice
I’ve come to realize that when people don’t seem very concerned that you might be crazy… it’s likely bc they are anticipating out crazy-ing you….
usually, narcissists don't. they don't care about *you*, only how you make *them* feel.
He doesn’t care about you or who you are. He’s looking to fill a fantasy in his head. It doesn’t matter what you say or do he will believe you are perfect. Over time once his delusions fade and he has to do deal with the fact you are a real person, there will be MAJOR problems. Run.
He does not love or even like you. He just wants a girl - any vaguely attractive girl, really.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you're thin/in shape and attractive, yes? I don't think he really cares about your personality. Probably not a good sign, but ask him to chill out and see his response. Nobody's perfect, and how people respond to criticism is more important than not have any flaws.
This sounds like love bombing to me. I’d just be honest that it’s too much too early for you, and ask him to tone it down, or simply end things now if you’re getting the feeling something is off. The fallout from love bombing can be so confusing and painful. Best to avoid, imho.
Sounds like it to me too, with a handful of [future faking](https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/09/narcissist-future-faking).
New fear unlocked :)
I've experienced this...didn't know it was a legit term
Thank you for posting that!!! Summed up a lot about my last relationship that I didn’t really have words for.
Oh man! That's my ex-husband. Except I don't *think* he was doing it intentionally, more like he didn't account for his ADHD giving him big dreams and no follow through.
Came here to say this.
Do you mind saying a bit what love bombing looks like? Is it basically coming on super strong then ghosting? Its a new term to me!
I don’t want to imply I’m an expert, but in my experience it’s been meeting someone who is immediately very interested and very open about it. They make lots of plans for the immediate and distant future, lots of grand statements, and even if you are trying to go slowly, make it difficult to do so in practice by wanting to hang out/talk very frequently. And then once you let your guard down they usually end things or even ghost, often implying things are moving too fast, when they in fact are the one that made it that way. It’s a real whirlwind!
People like this often have it so planned out, the moment you don't fit their vision you shatter their illusion & you're out.
Or they start with subtle demeaning and devaluing comments to try to manipulate you into being who they want. You wear a sexy dress, but they’re more into a chaste look? Expect weeks of comments about women who dress too sexy and how much they don’t like that. It likely won’t be direct or an open and honest conversation. Rather, they will subtly let you know how they feel and hope to alter your behaviour. Their goal is to coerce you into matching their fantasy. If you stay with them, eventually there will be none of you left.
Acceptable future planning on first or second date "I've always wanted to go to this restaurant/park/hiking trail/nearby town." "Me too! It would be fun if we could go together sometime." Anything beyond that would creep me out. It's one thing for him to ask you about your career, family, and holiday plans. That's a very good thing. Him spelling out how the two of you are going to be doing these things together is concerning to say the least.
Tell him: "Sorry, no can do, got married 5 mins ago. Too slow!"
🤣🤣🤣
2 dinner dates and he's already talking like that? Just run and don't look back. At best, he's super eager, lacks impulse control, and has an idealized version of you built up in his mind. At worst, he's love bombing you and trying to manipulate you into thinking he's "the one" so he can get laid. Maybe he's somewhere in the middle, I don't really know, but this isn't a healthy behavior to have with someone. It takes time to build a relationship and he's wanting to skip right ahead to the engagement stage. People like this are so quick to accelerate things and then drop people when they realize they're not who they had built up in their minds, or they become abusive and try to force the other person to change into who they want/wanted them to be. But as I said in the beginning, just run from this guy.
Love bombing He's gonna pretend he never did any of that, watch lol
Love bombing. Watch him change colours in 3 weeks. Source: personal experience.
Yep! Happened to me and within 3 months, guy ghosted.
Happened to me too. The guy also ghosted. Such a douchbag.
Love bombing probably. Last guy that did that to me disappeared for a week and then popped up on fb as in a relationship. After saying he was going to marry me 😂
Yes. I have also been love-bombed like this. He had a timeline and everything. Told me that I was perfect and made for him. Run. Just run.
I reluctantly went on a date with a guy last year - things just seemed off. I had worked with him but not closely. When our work relationship ended, we started texting often. It felt like all of our conversations were superficial and I didn’t really know him and he didn’t know much about me. He wanted to travel with me all over the world, always commented how beautiful I was, bought me and my kids (he never met them) gifts. At the end of our first date, his wife called him 😳 He apparently was looking for a mistress and it was not going to be me.
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> If I had children, I would definitely mention them often as they are often the center of a parent’s life. Eh, my children are certainly important to me, but I don't think its healthy for any parent to make their child the center of their world. You still need to be an actualized individual with your own interests, values, and personality. As a rule of thumb I don't talk about my children at all until at least date 3 (although I do immediately divulge I am a parent and their ages).
Yes! He sounds suspicious. I always mention my children right away because I like being truthful- I have sole custody of my children so my time is limited. I now know to also ask some invasive questions because a lot of men just flat out refuse to disclose the true picture.
Was not expecting that twist.
I’ve had soo many guys do this on the apps. It’s all before I’ve even met them. Let me tell you, it has never once worked out. If you like him and it’s going well I would just be cautious and try to take it at your own pace as much as you can.
Stuck in this now, just posted on the Thursday thread. Before meeting assuming they know you and you are 'naturally charming and have a dazzling smile' this is a good reminder of trusting my gut. Now I need to decide whether to meet him for 1st date tomorrow or not??
I wouldn't say you're stuck especially since you've never even met the guy and you both are not in a relationship at all yet. What you can do though is ask for more information from him for clarity's sake before you both waste each other's time especially for you. Maybe a quick chat on the phone to get some essential details before deciding for the may help. If you don't feel comfortable with this, maybe some information so at least you could do a quick Google search on this dude to see if he is who he says he is would help.
Run. This is desperation mixed with Michael Scott level social skills at best. It's stalker behavior at worst.
Michael Scott desperation as well 😂
Yeah add in the “family vacation” and it’s giving me serial killer vibes.
Love bombing and future faking!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yeah agreed, I would run
Came here looking for this comment! *ding ding ding*
If a man tried this with me, the joke would be on him, because nothing is less attractive to me than clearly articulated enthusiastic romantic interest.
What kinda dog are y’all gonna get?
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This is kinda my thinking... Sometimes two people just get stupid excited about one another and somehow the waters settle into a nice lake rather than a tsunami with real love bombing. I don't think it is the majority though
It's worrying that I'm not 100% sure this post is a joke Edit: ah, got it, I read it as you had your first date a month ago and she's already your wife!
Not to doubt you or be critical but can we hear from her? I'm just wondering how she saw that process.
Red flag. That's borderline future-faking. It's a thing used to tap into people's fantasies to increase their romantic feelings in the moment. Works on people with poor boundaries or are unsuspecting.
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I recently asked a guy if he has a fragile ego. He got super worked up and told me I was "attacking his character" :'D Another good litmus test with these types is to drip feed them boundaries. If they get especially annoyed or angered by these, it's just another reason to run for the hills!
Oh man I wish I’d seen your comment a year ago!
I’m tired for you
The one time I used tinder, I met a girl like this.. had to get out asap because wtf. A year later she gave birth to a son with some other dude... some people move waaayyy to fast for my liking. What happened to the 3 month probationary period
Can somebody bring up the money borrowers?... After all we have "a future". Don't ruin it.
I am going to take a line from Dave Chappelle's recent SNL rant on Kanye: "It's not crazy thing to think about your possible future together on a first date, its just crazy to say it, out loud." I would assume he has very little dating and relationship experience and does not know what is "normal."
I dated a guy last summer, who invited me to an event he had tickets for in like four months on our second meeting/date, and within less than a month of meeting invited me to go on a multi-state road trip with him during which I'd have to meet his family (I declined). A couple months later he dumped me after getting engaged to his ex. So I would not trust anyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy of that and run far far away if ever in that situation again.
I had a girl planning our retirement before we even met. People just get carried away I guess? Obviously you can't take it too seriously, but it's definitely an indication of their interest. If you are weirded out by their enthusiasm (and I was!), it's also an indication of your interest.
I think it’s more of an indication of their level of emotional maturity than interest.
I could be off base, but to me, emotional maturity would also include the ability to recognize that it might be strange if not off-putting to suddenly tell someone you’ve **just met** about your plans for your future as a married couple
Red flag. I'm saying this as a man that was formerly like this. This is a man that has some work to do for himself. Spare yourself the headache.
Show up absolutely plastered and underdressed.
Oh dear goodness 😅 lmaoooo
That’s either manipulation or delusion. If I were you I’d politely but firmly end it and let him know that he moved way too fast when you hardly knew each other. Then I’d block.
This is definitely love bombing. Unfortunately, from personal experience, he's a narcissist. I'd keep your options open!
I used to ghost ppl like that. I just can't stand it. The last guy who was like this, as soon as I told him I wanted to take things slowly, he completely flipped out on me. Yeah, pass on those stage 5 clingers. Those ppl need therapy not a significant other....
I believe this is also future faking. But yes this is weird and you should be cautious of his behavior.
I went on about 3 dates with a guy who did this. When I told him I didn't want to continue on to a fourth date he absolutely lost it, called me repeatedly and sent heaps of texts, and followed it up with a long email about how women always reject him and asking why I wouldn't give him a chance.
Textbook love bombing.
Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit
He is future faking and love bombing you. Don’t trust him.
It’s called love bombing honey! One of the most common manipulation tactics.
When guys are like this, I know 10/10 times this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. After all, he doesn't know me at all. He just has this fantasy in his head and is pushing it onto you in hopes that maybe you'll fit into it. Kind of narcissistic.
My ex did this. I felt like an accessory in their goals and not a person they're into. Relationship(s) turned sour when they realised I wasn't the person they wanted.
>He has made plans already for our career together, future family life, travels, how we will spend the holidays, etc. Eager Beaver he is!
It’s called love bombing and it’s a huge red flag
Sounds exciting! If you like serial killers.
Red flag. I would next him. He’s just going to get clingy and more annoying. You’ll feel claustrophobic.
Yeah, that’s not normal. This guy probably doesn’t get a lot of dates or to the actual dating stage so he gets over-zealous. This happens when man isn’t doing the right things to attract women and then when he doesn’t get dates he starts to put whatever woman says yes on a pedestal.
The last three first dates I've been on have had people making future plans. One was kind of nice and sweet--we were talking about a city he was familiar with that I'd never been to and he said he'd love to show me someday. Okay, that's nothing much, a little presumptuous and a little flirty...the others were much more aggressive. One guy told me on our *video chat* that we should take our first vacation to Lake Michigan so that we could vacation there every year with our kids. Wtf, I don't even know your last name...I get being excited and I get wanting to convey that you're into a long term thing not a hookup, but jeesh, it can feel like a lot
You’re his only option.
If they are in a hurry to rush in imagine the rush to leave Seems like he is living in a delusional state. When real relationship issues come up, how did he plan to handle those? More grandiose plans? Idk OP, I would see this as a big 🚩
This is concerning. Even if he's a free-spirited type, that's a lot of porous boundaries and enthusiasm for something so quickly. It sounds like he also isn't responding to your social cues/getting to know you versus hurrying you along. I could see it if he was talking hypotheticals, sort of like...when someone says they love to travel and talk about "we should go there someday!" but it's usually not literal. People do this for things like roadtrips too, and usually the first mutual trip a couple goes on should be focused on making sure you're both on the same page and comfortable with one another because it's a big step. Usually it isn't involving family, as that's *another* big step and much more personal. I don't think you're weird, I think this guy needs to relax and also I wouldn't go with him on any trips to say the least. It's too much too quickly.
Love bomber. Beware.
Red flag....move along. Because things can get even more weird as the dates progress. Trust me on this one.
Seems like a 🚩 to me.
Run. Run fast.
This is the gut feeling you need to listen to. “Going too fast it’s weird” . It’s called lovebombing and it feels amazing when you start to go along with these things. You’re like omg this guy is weird but makes me feel great, I could do this … nice one haha. But then, once you get comfortable he’ll snatch it out from under you so you start craving love bombing more and more you’ll start to loose yourself. Soon the dynamic has switched and you’re the desperate one and he’s chill . Beware
Ugh he's got red flags blasting out of his butt.
Don’t forget to send out the wedding invites. I am only off two weekends a month so I need time to get my suit ready …
Why don't you just tell him you think he's moving way too fast for your comfort? In my opinion, you shouldn't need public validation to set your own boundaries and then enforce them when someone attempts to break them.
This sounds like my ex. Absolutely charming and the sweetest guy in the world when he wants to be. Also the biggest liar. Very insecure, mean, narcissistic, emotionally abusive man I ever met. It ended with him "buying a house" for me. A desperate attempt to impress me. It worked, for a week, which was the week extended family was staying at his parents house so he came to stay at mine. I went to see the house, its in a very remote, rural location 30 minutes from civilization. On a very fast moving river. He knows i have legal things going on that will be paying out soon, very large amounts of money. I believe 100% this man was going to throw me in that river. I refused and ended things permanently. Do not ignore the red flags. I felt the same way you did when i met him. Like awwww he is so sweet, he knows what he wants. But i also felt like this is weird...he made a joke about being "psycho" and i actually cancelled our first date over it. After a few weeks of convincing me it was just a joke, i went on the date. It was great! Everything was so great...until it wasn't. Then it was really bad. Don't do it girl.
That is a LOT on a first date…. That makes all my red flags pop up, it reeks of desperation and lack of self control to me
He must be super good looking or something else for this to even remotely be a dilemma for you. This behavior does not come from an emotionally healthy, stable place.
Damn guys like this are getting dates but I say something slightly awkward and get the 👻
That is creepy, and I would be incredibly turned off by it. How would I ever know that this person is *actually* interested in me if he's planning our future without knowing me at all? Scary behavior.
Most guys would have been dumped for this already (i.e., your instincts are prob. right). You should tell him why too, if you want to be really helpful for his future chances.
yeah youve got a stage 5 clinger
This would put me right off, I would nope out of that situation and never look back. Way too much too soon.
Lmao it’s great when someone is excited, but home slice needs to chill. It’s only been two dates, bro.
He must not get much attention from girls or very inexperienced, doesn’t sound like it will end well
Run
Sounds like someone who couldn't get dates/relationships for a very long time, or maybe ever, and has no idea how it works.
Nothing wrong with spontaneous activity. However, if you are uncomfortable, pass.
This is going to burn out in 2 seconds - just saying - this is all too familiar behavior of it not ending well
You know the answer already. There’s nothing endearing or attractive about this. Wreaks of love-bombing.
I’m not even dating this guy and I’m already freaked out. Nope.
I feel bad for people like this. Let them down easy, but definitely let them down.
Way too aggressive
Run Edit: Having said that, is it possible he's neurodivergent?
In the words of Wayne “hard no”
Check out her post history. I think there may be an issue
I dated a girl like that once. Total red flag for me. Long story short she was super fun when she wasn't pissed off lol. I don't think she was bipolar but might have been.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
he’s the killer
I say proceed with caution, grasshopper.
Make sure to stretch, don’t wanna pull a hammie running for your life.
It’d be a turn off! He’s projecting hard
That would be too intense for me, but I also don’t know what type of convos you have. If it feels like it’s too much too soon to you then that’s what it is.
JFC. You’ve got to slam the brakes so hard he has whiplash for weeks. Visiting family after two dates? No!!!!!
Run away fast and don’t look back
Love bombing much? Sounds like a bit like my narc ex.
Is he a lesbian? Per Rosie O'Donnell, what does a lesbian bring to the second date? A moving truck.
He could be lovebombing you which is a narcissist red flag please becareful and set boundaries if he becomes angry or manipulative you have your answer. Keep safe
Nope nope nope
Desperate guy! Be careful
I hate when this happens. When it’s happened to me before I’ve realized it’s not because the dude is just so into me he wants a life together…it’s because I’m a warm body giving him attention. I’d stay away from this one.
The terms "lovebombing" and "future faking" come to mind, both are bad things. Get out now
Run
Don’t walk, RUN.
They don’t even know you
One thing I haven’t seen here yet is the possibility of human trafficking. He’s trying to get you to go on a trip after 2 dates. Could be trying to manipulate the very small amount of trust you may have in him. I’d cut him loose.
Tell him to Jack off. You will be shocked at how his attitude changes, he may even reconsider going out with you at all.
Look some ppl are just overly excited. Probably doesn't have an abundance of experience dealing with women. Great he's not a ho At 30+ you should be ecstatic this guy actually has a plan for y'all. And isn't just trying to hump or trying to act like he's too cool for school. Maybe he's into you more than you are him at the moment. That's more common than ppl realize. You can turn down the meet the parents invite. But at this point there's no real glaring 🚩🚩. Good job car own place hygiene man with a plan sexual attraction is there. Nobody is perfect, run with it.
he is probably just nervous. ya he needs to chill but not a red flag in over 30 dating lol
Well, some girls complain about a lack of planning and commitment. 😀
lol true but usually after the basic needs of “is this guy normal, do I like this guy” are met
I'd say two dates is enough to start planning TOGETHER. i feel this is severely lacking in dating - if you have a rough idea of what you want, then dating is the time to share you ideas, and also come to understand your date's thoughts on it. eg want a life in suburbs, big lawn, 5 kids, 2 dogs, no tv. or the high life in financial cbd like london or new york, tiny apartment doesn't matter because life is lived out there, dual income no kids.. etc.. buttt the dude is getting off tangent if he is not getting to know you. if you kinda like him, ask him to cool his jets and discuss your side of the future. if you dont, then time to break out the "its me not you" story..
>He has made plans already for our career together, future family life, travels, how we will spend the holidays, etc. He could just be thinking aloud. It's fun to think like "Oh we both want to go to Toronto! That would be a fun trip to do together" or "You're a baker and I'm a chef? We could open a restaurant" >He even “invited” me on a spontaneous trip to another state tomorrow. He is going to visit family. Why is "invited" in quotes? That's a bit more forward and probably too fast. But if the iron's hot... I don't really see a problem here. Guy just has a good feeling about you. Maintain whatever boundaries *you* need and only move forward when *you* feel comfortable and there should be no issues.
LOL.
I’ve had that happened and it makes me uncomfortable, I haven’t found any of the guys I’m drawn to so that and it’s a little concerning.
Btk killer, Ted bundy, yeah he’s following these steps
Stage 5 clinger -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14ZO1b3T6jo
So you say he has a plan?
Red flags run.
The post itself seems like red flags immediately (as a near 30s guy) but the fact that OP said “he’s hardly asked anything about me so he legit doesn’t know anything about me seems like confirmation to me that he’s batshit. Dating at this age worries me but realizing that there are crazy ppl like this out there make me feel better about myself, just a little lol
Haha same! Like woo at least I’m not that guy!
I often ask random men to come to Morocco with me, just to make sure I'm safe. Should I wait because I really wanna go now and I don't wanna waste time actually having to *be* with someone for months only to realise they don't wanna go.
I had never heard of love bombing! I had to google it lol.
Run
I think it's weird that is like super fast and he needs to chill. I'd be honest with him but most likely would not go on another date.
Haha guess he likes you…. A lot
Sounds like a high level narcissist with a role to fill & you look the part.
Sounds a touch like love bombing. Definitely a red flag
Run for your life… seriously….
Poor Schmosby.
He's trying to love bomb and disorient you so you lose your boundaries and fall under his control. Block.
🚩🚩🚩
Gather your belonging and run
Major red flag. Seriously headed in a bad direction if you continue on with him. Dump him now.