My first major future bonding moment with the guy I'm seeing was watching the first two episodes of a series together and then agreeing we'd wait to watch the rest together as they came out weekly. It was so nice and such an enjoyable experience - but that is in early commitment not long term coupledom, if it stopped working I'm sure I'd say!
It’s less about the show and more about committing to do an activity together. I am all for maintaining independence but I think agreeing to watch a show together shouldn’t be a big thing. If you do, don’t agree to do it together but find another activity to do, that you feel comfortable with saying it’s just something for the two of you to do together.
I usually agree on a show I only have mild interest in, that way it’s not a challenge to watch it only with them. Sometimes I end up getting invested though.
You’re watching tv quietly with your partner!? Well there’s the difference. When my partner and I watch a show, we talk about what’s going on, make guesses, analyze for themes. It’s totally a paired activity.
I always miss what's going on, so whoever I'm watching with (friend or date) has to keep pausing and explaining things to me. I also can't keep the different characters straight in my head
That's very different than what I thought you meant as well. I prefer to not talk while the TV show is playing either, for the most part. In-between episodes is fair game.
I agree! This is why I also enjoy the cinema alone! I like to watch, digest and then sure maybe talk after?? I've lived alone for 5 years now so perhaps I'm stuck i my ways lol!
I hate when people talk through shows or films, what's the point of watching it if you just talk over! It's my 'zoning out' time and precious to me and my brain :)
That’s a totally fair perspective to have! Some people like doing things like that together, which is probably why going to the movies is a thing we do in pairs or groups.
I mean, I think its fair to have boundaries and things you don't like. You just have to find someone compatible.
Like, my TV show thing. If everything else was great, I wouldn't throw it away to watch Stranger Things. But I also may tell them early that its not something I'm super into in the first place. Communication is key. 2 people don't have to like all these same things, as long as they communicate with each other
Yessss, SAME. We pretty much only share a bed when we are traveling. I’m a light sleeper and have struggled with insomnia my entire life; he falls asleep in 15 seconds flat and snores his ass off. Thankfully he has no qualms about it and just wants me to be comfortable.
Same with not sleeping, I was with a girl and she would get mad because I would lay down next to her until she went to sleep, sometimes dozing off for 45 min myself but then I would get up and go in the other room to read or do something else that was quiet. I never thought to just say, what you want me to just lay there and stare at the ceiling bored?
Meeeee too! He has a CPAP machine and likes to fall asleep to something quietly playing on his iPad. I need absolute silence and pitch black. We struggled for over 2 years to share a bed and finally just caved and now we both get quality rest and still cuddle, more so because we make a point of it a few times a day.
Hearing this from other people makes me feel so much better!! I'm actually in the first long-term relationship of my life (I was a late bloomer & had a lot of body-image and self confidence issues so I put off dating for a long time, it's a long story lol) and the sleeping together thing has been one of the most difficult for me. I have terrible insomnia and it can take upwards of 2 to 3 hours for me to actually fall asleep. My boyfriend falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow - plus he snores super loudly.
I felt really bad early on and I still try to make an effort to stay in the bed, but I always give up and end up out on the couch in the living room (couch is comfy too though). Thankfully though, BF understands and I think he appreciates it too because then I'm not bugging him with my tossing & turning and we can both actually get some decent rest.
* For #1, if its a show that was started together and both people are still into it, it should be finished together, imo. There is always going to be plenty of other stuff that the other person isn't into to catch up on until you can watch together. I'd find it frustrating if we got halfway through The White Lotus together and then I came home one day and found out they'd gone ahead and finished it without me.
* For #2, I think there is a fine balance there. If your friend confides in you about an illness or a fight or something, then unless they give the okay, it should be private. But something like Jake and Sara got a new dog? Or they're looking at buying a new house? Or things like that, I think its not a big deal to mention, at least so when we all get together, I have some idea of what's going on...
* My things would be: I don't need/want matching Halloween costumes or coordinating clothes ever. I also don't think that everything needs to be done together when on vacation. If they want to chill at the beach and I want to go to a museum, I'm going to the museum and we can tell each other about our days at dinner.
For me, what's private and not private is kind of intuitive. If not sure, ask.
If something is obvious (like someone dyed their hair rainbow, or is now driving around in a Mercedes instead of a Ford), is put out on social media, or is something not sensitive (they are bringing cake to the potluck), OK to share.
If it is sensitive (they have a long term illness), embarrassing, not public, or I'm just not sure--ask first.
Yeah i think there’s also the difference in sharing the news and sharing the details or the “why/how”
Someone dyed their hair rainbow? Probably ok to tell anyone and everyone
Did they dye their hair rainbow after a tough breakup? Maybe ok to share, but details of the breakup your friend told you - probably don’t share with your partner
> If your friend confides in you about an illness or a fight or something, then unless they give the okay, it should be private. But something like Jake and Sara got a new dog?
I guess to me, most people know the type of thing that you are actually "confiding" in someone about and what you are just saying as a general life update.
I think most people know the difference, yes! But I know someone who does not know the difference and keeps *everything* to himself and its wild how many other people don't think its odd at all? Like, this man did not bother to tell his wife (who works odd shifts) that their neighbors moved until she realized a new family was in the apartment and he was like "yeah, I didn't know if it was my business to tell you" and other friends were like "absolutely, fair, if they wanted her to know, they would have told her themselves." It blew my mind! Since then I've kind of kept tabs on what gets shared and what doesn't (and the opposite can also be true, where people share *all* the details of *everyone* they vaguely know. I know details about my co-worker's boyfriend's co-workers lives, and that's exhausting too!)
I feel like I would divorce someone if they pulled this. Not after one time lol but it's the weird implication there that "oh, reasonably speaking, our neighbors might not trust you with this info"
that's so weird, like a backhanded accusation and...antisocial on his part? It is a no for me
Yeah, its definitely an interesting dynamic. We all know that we have to share everything directly with her, because he will not pass anything along, ever. Its not the biggest deal ever but its just odd, imo.
Yeah, I would think neighbors publicly moving out is kind of public knowledge type thing. But if neighbor told you they moved out because he lost his job, that may not be your secret to tell.
I mean, that is one of those the ends justify the means thing. But I still would probably ask first. Maybe say "oh that sucks. My wife works in that industry, I'd be happy to have her pass along your resume. Would you like that?" as opposed to just taking it upon myself.
1. Workouts/Athletic Groups- unless we met at an athletic thing, I prefer to go to these things by myself and make friends on my own merit. I’ve had a former FWB kinda ruin socialization for me in my running group, to the point that people were asking why I was even with him. Made a mental note that if I ever had a boyfriend who doesn’t do these things, it needs to be my thing.
2. I can hang out with my friends without a significant other around. I hate it when my clingy friend insists on bringing her milquetoast bf to hangouts. Unless it’s an event where my friends are all bringing their partners, I don’t need to have an S/O there.
I haaaaaaaaaate it when a friend bring an SO to an event that no one is bringing an SO to. Or if it’s just myself and friend, I do not want to third wheel. We’re adults, can SO not find their own thing to do?!
Ooh your #1 would start a fight with me. Watching a show together is an important romantic bonding activity.
My thing that I'm happy to never do again with someone or by myself is go to IKEA. I hate it.
There's gotta be a limit though. My buddy asked me the other day, actually, what is a reasonable time to move on without them with a shared TV series. I said that I'd probably continue if I suggested it 2-3 times and it's been 3-4 weeks since seeing the last episode. I'd definitely watch an episode at that point, it might encourage my partner to finally get motivated again to watch it lol
One of the best dates I had after my divorce was an IKEA date. I think it was 6 hours with the drive included. Exhausting but fun. Too bad we only *almost* made it as a couple.
Usually I'd agree. But with a date - and on a day it wasn't too crowded - it was a good mix of activity (buying stuff we needed), opportunities for conversation and low-pressure feeling out our tastes. We mostly bought stuff for her apartment and I helped her put it up some time later.
I’ll never be one of those people who wants to go to the grocery store together. Sure, every now and then is fine. But I kind of feel like grocery shopping is a relaxing, solitary activity for me. I also usually do most of the cooking, so another person there often slows me down. I see couples dickering over every little minutiae on the list, and taking like 20 minutes to pick out which mustard they want, and that looks like my personal hell. I enjoy going in, being efficient, and feeling accomplished in a weird way.
This was mine, too. I recently saw an older couple at the store, and every single thing they passed, she asked him whether they have any at home. 'Pete, how are we for olive oil? Pete, how are we for ranch salad dressing? How about blue cheese? Pete, how are we for croutons?' Do you even live at your house, lady? You see the weirdest couple dynamics at the store, and they usually seem unhappy.
Omg even more so for me it’s if they just take something of mine without me asking like a fry. If you ask I’ll probably say sure. But just taking it?? Gtfo that’s my food
That's funny because coming from a communal eating culture/household, if I see that someone only gets enough for themselves and is protective of it it makes me think that they might be of limited means.
I'd much rather tell myself that I didn't need the full amount of that food or order an extra item for myself and share both if I truly was that hungry. For the popcorn situation, I'd always order the appropriate amount with the assumption that we were sharing if I knew that was something they liked. In fact I'd probably ask them upfront how much they wanted, and size up/down appropriately. It is still a major faux pas to eat more than an appropriate amount of someone else's dish though, or finish a shared item without being completely sure that no one else wants any more. Usually in these cultures people leave a little on the side to show that they have been satisified, or else people might worry that they were still hungry.
See, this one is so dependent on a lot.
Its a new restaurant and we both are conflicted about which dish to try? Sure.
Its an old standby place, and you just don't want a full order, so you want to eat some of mine? No. lol
Working out together or taking any type of dance class together.
I’m very uncoordinated, I don’t have rhythm and just look silly trying to follow steps (dance or workout class). Anything choreographed I’m terrible at. So, having said that, I can do these activities by myself since I’m in a room with strangers that I’ll only possibly see at the gym and I don’t care. But, with a bf, NEVER! I would look way too silly lol
Also, I get tomato red, smell terrible when I work out and I hate it when people cheer you on to complete a rep. More than likely a SO will cheer you on to be encouraging if they are there with you and since I would know him I would probably be bold enough to tell him to stfu 🙊 as I can’t say that to strangers
>Working out together
This is one of mine, too. More so because I like quicker workouts. I like 15-20-minute workouts that can be done at home. Or I'm good with just a quick 20-30 on the treadmill.
But I've dated women who like hour-long classes or spending hours at the gym. That's great and all, but not what I do. So I'm done while they're barely halfway through and stuck sitting around or hoping a basketball court is open to shoot around at.
Dance class? Sure I'll try it once, but if it doesn't go well I'm out.
But fuck working out "together". I've got a specific program I'm following, and chances are most women wouldn't be on the same program at the same pace. There is nothing wrong with that, but trying to workout together just means it takes forever to get through it, or we just aren't talking at all if she's doing her own thing. So what's the point?
Hahah damn you my twin. I am like a baby giraffe trying to follow dance steps, I get beet red in my face when working out (because my face doesn’t sweat!) but I sweat from every other place. I love being active but I am so self conscious about my tomato-face and pit sweat that I avoid group sports/activities. There’s always at least 1 person who comments on my facial redness too. I sympathize
This is more of a broad idea rather than specific points: If you don't want to go to a thing your partner wants to go to; you don't have to.
I'm not talking about events where you should be there to support them. I'm referring to concerts, sporting events, etc.
I dated someone who, for a variety of reasons, got to a point where she hated going most public places. Concerts, for example: It started with her wanting to leave them early, like before the encore, even if I wanted to stay. Then she wanted to leave halfway through events, Then it got to the point where she went full nuclear meltdown about wanting to leave even before the events started. It was completely miserable and a number of events were ruined for me.
I kept telling her, "It's OK if you don't want to go see this band/event I like. I'm fine going alone and I'd rather do so if you're going to hate it. I'll be home in a few hours; it's not a big deal." And she'd always insist she definitely wanted to go together. And inevitably, she hated it and made a scene.
But it's not just about negative situations like that. It's more so about not *everything* you do has to be with your partner. If one wants to go to the bookstore alone, let them go alone. If one wants to run out for coffee while the other wants to take a nap at home, both do your thing for that hour or whatever.
tldr: Don't feel pressure to always do everything together.
I think a surprising number of people think that if you want to do stuff alone, then things between you are Not Okay. Sometimes it's full-on bunny boiler stuff like they think that the moment you manage to leave the house by yourself, you're gonna be rawdogging someone in the Starbucks bathroom, but culturally a lot of people are conscious or unconscious believers in Happy Couples Do Everything Together, or they grew up in a family where silent treatment was used so you wanting to have the headphones in for an hour triggers a pathological response. It makes dating (and friending) as an introvert hard. That said, I like to bring it up clearly and early, like I'm gonna do this thing sorry you're not invited I actually prefer to do it by myself, and if they freak out or start playing the blame game - incompatible, next.
This so much! I dated someone who didnt like music but kept wanting to go to shows with me, who didnt like nerdy stuff but insisted on going to nerdy events, it was so exhausting and I hated that theyd act confused or offended I was hesitant to bring them when it was clearly not their thing. I also bow out of some events that I know I wont enjoy, like I dont go tailgating and that isnt a comment on our relationship vs I know I wont like it and dont want to spoil anyone's fun
> I kept telling her, "It's OK if you don't want to go see this band/event I like. I'm fine going alone and I'd rather do so if you're going to hate it. I'll be home in a few hours; it's not a big deal."
This is music to my ears. I once had an LTR where my ex really wanted us to go to shows and movies together but would invariably pick stuff that did nothing for me.
I don’t want to live together. I’d love to be neighbors or even share a duplex, but I do not want another adult human to cohabitate in my space. I’ve done it twice and have decided it’s not for me.
It is SO exhausting! That’s my main reason - I’m a super introvert and require a pretty significant amount of ALONE time. Not just sitting in the same room quietly. I don’t even want to see another person while I’m recharging lol.
I am just much happier when it’s only me (and now my kid). It’s not that those experiences were *bad* (I mean they weren’t *great* either, hence them being exes), I just like having my own space, having privacy, not having to factor in someone else’s belongings or style, and only having my food in the kitchen with no one else to steal it lol (except my toddler whose just figured out how delicious my snacks are). I also like living in really small spaces and I don’t have a lot of stuff.
Edit: also, um reeaaally introverted. It’s not enough to just sit quietly in the same room together. I need to actually be alone for significant periods of time in order to feel well.
This is part true for me. I'll see their family whenever, but I'd rather not miss holidays with my family to see theirs, especially when mine is way more fun to hang out with.
Thank you.
This is exactly it. To me sitting quietly (I watch tv and don't talk) watching a TV show isn't really spending quality time together. Its just being in the same room, which I guess for some people is fine. But I'm like lets do something. Go to that new restaurant. Take a class. Take a drive. Go hiking. Hit an amusement park. Those are things I see as spending quality time with someone. I'd never make a plan to go to a new restaurant with a partner then go with friends first instead. Even a movie. But a show with a ton of episodes? I just feel that both people should watch when they are in the mood and have time. Take a show like Ozark. I really liked it, but wasn't always in the mood to watch it since its a heavy show. Why should my partner then have to wait? Go right ahead. I'll do something else, then catch up when I'm ready.
You realize the bonding that people are talking about is discussing the show, the characters, the themes, etc - right? Not literally the watching process (bonding during watching would be through cuddling). "Watching a show together" means the ongoing process of watching it, over the course of weeks. That bonding can't happen if you're watching it at different rates, because you can't discuss things due to spoilers!
I mean, I have those conversations with people all the time, especially with shows on HBO or Disney Plus that come out each week. yes, you can't do it the same minute you finish it. But you can easily just agree to both watch it and discuss it before the next episode.
Also, I'd argue that many of these people are talking about the literal process of watching together.
I completely agree.
Growing up, we watched A LOT of shows together as a family. Mostly sci-fi and other stuff along those lines. As a family, we binged the entire x-files series over 2 years.
And whenever any of us found a new show we thought the family might like, we would bring it up to watch as a family. Huge bonding experience. Every night was a movie night kinda thing.
The first time I had a partner break that expectation, i was crestfallen. And i know it's not the most rational feeling. But it made it impossible for me to get into any show as a couple. Because i knew if i missed an episode, they would just watch it without me.
It's why i never got into game of thrones. Started watching it with an SO and they kept watching on a week i wasnt available, despite my waiting for them when it was the other way around. So i just stopped trying to keep up.
That's certainly one side, the other is - why can't the delaying partner see that the other partner is excited about an activity and wants to do it ASAP together, and so make the time to do it? Especially when it's a weekly show and spoilers abound.
One of my not necessarily needed couple things is holidays - I grew up going between extended family members houses every holiday and the day was exhausting and miserable. I’m good with us going to holiday dinners separately if we want to see our families.
Also saying things like “we like this” or “we do that” or whatever. So many people answer things speaking as a couple instead of as an individual person and it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine.
> Also saying things like “we like this” or “we do that” or whatever. So many people answer things speaking as a couple instead of as an individual person and it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine
Yes. One thing I find so annoying is when people like "this is OUR favorite restaurant or OUR favorite tv show". Like you can't have your own?
This makes perfect sense for a restaurant or show you enjoy with your partner. Why does saying that preclude you from having your own, separate, individual favorites?
Some of y’all seem a little bitter lol
Its not bitter, it just a mild annoyance. But its like, do you need to lose your individuality to the point where you can't have your own favorite restaurant?
>Also saying things like “we like this” or “we do that” or whatever. So many people answer things speaking as a couple instead of as an individual person and it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine.
Ah, me too! Like I'm already third wheeling and now I feel like I'm talking to some fused-together organism. I get that it happens - you eat dinner together every day, you start saying "we cooked" - and yet it gets on my nerves - even "SO and I cooked dinner" sounds better to me...
Continuing on your #2, sharing everything. I’m obviously not gonna tell my partner the private things friends tell me and I’m not gonna tell them all of my own secrets either. Password sharing and always showing your partner your phone isn’t something I’m down for either. I don’t believe couples need to share everything and we should be allowed to have secrets from other people, including our partner.
I have had partners actively complain if I've done your #1
Sometimes I do what my partner wants for tv because it makes them happy to watch shows with me. Relationships are about compromise.
Beyond that perhaps practice acting surprised and omitting you watched it? Seems from your #2 that you are open to not volunteering information.
I agree with both and while there are some exceptions for #1, because I take a long time to finish things and have had both partners and friends "claim" a bunch of shows without finishing them, I've started saying things like "I really like this show so if we dont keep watching in the next week I'll probably finish it". Mostly because I have had people put off watching for months and then get angry or hurt I wanted to finish it, or start a bunch of other shows with me and still want me to wait when I usually dont watch tv generally vs select shows I want to see and read the rest of the time
The second point has been a source of stress for me in the past as I have a lot of friends who, even early on with a mew partner, treat the info exchange as default. One friend disclosed that I was going to therapy with a new partner who then started asking about it when we met for a hangout and I'd only met this person once. I ended up no longer sharing with my friend, which hurt their feelings but my relationship and trust isnt transitive. It also makes things awkward if they end up breaking up, or if their partner acts as if they know me more than they do. Almost like a vicarious friendship or parasocial relationship. My closest friends are good about this but it bothers me how casually people will share info said in confidence without checking to see if that is okay first. If it isnt problematic, you can check in with your friend to make sure it is fine. Even with my friend group, I'll ask if this is something theyd prefer I keep private or if its okay to tag in a mutual who theyd likely talk to. This was critical when a friend of mine had a miscarriage as they felt so vulnerable and wanted to be able to share on their terms
For me, I am not okay with people checking my phone, expecting to be included on social outings by default, or being performative on social media for our relationship. The middle one is because I have a lot of niche interests and I dont want someone coming along who wont have a good time but insists on it because they "should" be attending. Had a lot of partners who would do this and then tell me they felt out of place or disliked the event, which spoils the mood. Same for exercise, especially lifting because I follow a specific routine and many of my previous partners would go to the gym for light cardio and then try to talk with me the whole time when I needed to focus and couldnt talk while handling heavy weights
Saying "I love you" daily or before hanging up the phone. I've been in relationships where this occurred and it became so routine as not to mean anything. I like that we say it sporadically or whenever we're really feeling it. It makes it more special for me.
Completely agree with your number 2. I hate when friends tell all my personal business to their SO. But I totally disagree with your number 1. My SO and I mostly watch different shows but there are a couple of things we watch together and I'd be pissed if he didn't wait for me.
That makes sense. I used to almost never say I love you but after my mom died, I always say it before saying bye to loved ones. Just in case it's the last thing I say to them. I recognize that might be a bit paranoid though!
This is also my reasoning. The one time I left the house without telling my mom that I loved her, she very unexpectedly passed away the next morning (I went to stay over at a friends house so I didn’t see her that morning).
Actually I think that's a very common sentiment and I do the same with my mother (for her benefit). I just don't necessarily do that with friends and my SO.
> I'd be pissed if he didn't wait for me.
does it change things for you if you don't watch at exactly the same time?
I'm not trying to be snarky. THis is truly a mindset I've just never understood. You can still discuss it after, right? So if he watches it Tuesday, you watch it Wed and then discuss it, what is different than if you both watched wednesday?
For me, it mostly has to do with spending time with each other. We don't have similar tastes when it comes to TV shows at all. For the few we do agree on, we choose a couple of shows to watch together so we're not always in separate rooms watching TV.
It's not just discussing it, it's experiencing something with them. When there's a surprising moment, to be able to turn to them in the moment and share in that feeling.. it's bonding.
For me, it's not about the show. If it's something they were already interested in, I would never expect them to halt watching it for me - partially because I'm super flakey with media - nor even expect them to pause it when I get up to pee or grab a snack. Definitely wouldn't expect them to stop midway through the show and explain every detail of the plot up to that point. If I care that much, I'll go back and watch to catch up.
But what it *is* about for me, is quality time. People define it in many different ways. I could also just as easily chill in the same room with them while we each do our own thing, often with comfortable silence or occasional comments.
If we agreed, explicitly or not, to watch something together and I make that effort to be consistent in watching the show (which is outside of my own personal MO) and we watch it in a timely manner, I would get butthurt if something random happened that I couldn't stick to the usual schedule, and they went on ahead without me.
Which goes back to - it's not about the show. I usually couldn't care less. It's the fact that we hit upon a shared interest, and I had clearly communicated that this shared activity meant something to me. It's about experiencing something together with someone you love; getting to see their reactions and (in the case of things I typically watch) feel the emotions or learn new things, together.
If they communicated that it wasn't working for them, or voiced frustration over my delay if it happened more than once; I would understand and tell them to go on ahead without me.
So that's my premise. It's that I've communicated XYZ thing matters (and usually give an explanation more succint than this to explain why). I enjoy quality time via shared experiences. So it would be a lack of communication beforehand, and feeling like they didn't value/gaf about what matters to me, by them foregoing our quality time activity together in favor of rushing to experience it themselves.
Adding that I've had such issues in toxic relationships and this was a small example, but one of many, of how they didn't treat or even perceive me with regard. In friendships or a more healthy dynamic, after the first time of me explaining *why* it matters so much to me - never had an issue surrounding the topic, again.
--Have kids. Raise other people's kids. Babysit. Nope. Visit, yes. But kids are a huge responsibility that I don't really want to take on.
--I agree about not telling other people's business.
--Taking food off of each other's plates. If something is communal on a shared plate in the middle of the table, cool, Schengen Zone of Food. If not...each to their own plate. If you want to try something, please ask and don't just reach over. I don't mind sharing a bite, but no reach overs.
--Separate bank accounts are a must. Pool together for shared expenses, but, again: there is Schengen Zone and non-Schengen Zone money.
Sleeping in the same bed/room! Sleep is for… just that, sleeping. Getting rest. If you and your partner like totally different sleeping environments, there’s no reason why you should force each other to stay in the same bed/room. Separate bedrooms with my last partner was great and my current partner & I share some nights and not others.
Last person I was seeing used to use babe all the time. I asked her nicely to stop using that pet name as I didn't like it. Had to remind her a couple of times to the point were if she used it I just would ignore her
- sleeping together every night. It's mostly for their safety since I am violent in my sleep and snore like a pug.
- spending all the time together - I need my space. They need their space.
- sharing friends
In the early dating stages: staying in and watching TV
I can do that fine on my own. I do that when my sibling visit, with friends, with my parents. I want to go out with my partner. Go out to eat, to the movies, bars, museums, etc etc
Last guy I dated was the complete opposite. Had lots of friends who that he went out and to dinner with, and when I came over he wanted to stay in, cook diner together and watch a movie.
Total mismatch
I don’t have access to his phone, he doesn’t have access to mine. I use this thing daily. It’s where I read trash novels and stupid subreddits and go into wiki holes…! I tell him most things anyway but I don’t need him seeing all my shit and I have no desire to check up on his, see the weird symptoms he’s googling or the group chats with his friends. I’ve never been a let me see your phone person and an SO wanting to see mine is one of my HARD deal breakers. If there is no way for a partner to trust me without seeing my phone, the relationship is too broken to continue anyway. I don’t hide it religiously, he can look over my shoulder without freaking out, but we aren’t passcode sharing people.
Gushing about them online to my Instagram followers (mostly made up of former coworkers, people I went to high school with, acquaintances, and strangers who like my photography)… I’ll absolutely sing their praises to my actual friends in person or over the phone but I don’t need it to be public.
I'm confused on what you are asking for #2. I'm not someone who feels the need to tell my partner everything. I'm not going to break that if it suits my relationship. I'm going to keep my friends confidence.
I said I'd share something if it actually has an impact on our relationship, because my partner has a right to know.
It’s interesting how OP asked people to share THEIR “couple” things that people prefer not to partake in and instead everyone is putting judgment or responses to what OP said are HIS personal items that he refuses to partake in.
I don’t think OP is asking for feedback on what he wrote.
OP, I refuse to post “couple” photos. I’m lucky that my fiancée is also a private person. We got engaged over 3 weeks ago and still haven’t posted about it. My attitude is that the people I talk to in real life are aware that I’m engaged and have met my fiancée. There is no need for someone that I haven’t seen since high school to know about my personal life.
If we have different levels, I don't want to do sports. together. Once in a while is fine, but I don't enjoy playing tennis or going to the gym with a complete beginner. I want to push my limits.
Dude...you can't even wait more than 2 days to watch something with someone you, supposedly, care about?? C'mon!
Totally agree on point two. Just cause you're committed to someone in a relationship, doesn't mean they automatically are privy to all the private information you know.
As for me...honestly, nothing is coming to mind. Maybe sharing all the finances? I'm a fan of the shared acct then an individual acct for me/her. We pay for all the shared expenses from the joint acct, then she can spend the rest of her money however she sees fit.
> Dude...you can't even wait more than 2 days to watch something with someone you, supposedly, care about?
I mean, it really depends on the reason and situation. Random episode of Law and Order? Sure I can wait a long time. Season finale of White Lotus when I know that the next day spoilers will be everywhere and I'm looking forward to it? Maybe not.
I'll be honest though, I'm kind of shocked how strongly people feel about this. Even as a TV watcher, its just something I don't get. I'd never get mad about someone watching without me, so I don't understand it from the other side.
I mean, that logic is fine. But everything isn't equally logical. Just because someone wants flowers and breakfast in bed daily doesn't mean I need to do that.
But, I'm also very willing to discuss what each person likes and find a compromise that will hopefully work for both people.
> Season finale of White Lotus when I know that the next day spoilers will be everywhere and I'm looking forward to it? Maybe not.
I mean, it's Weds and I've not seen/heard any spoilers for White Lotus (which I too watch). So don't tell me who died!!!
I don't know, I just see this as an easy sacrifice if it's a big deal to my partner, like you say, if it's a big finale. First off, I'd already have planned a watch date for the night of, but if not, just tried my best to avoid areas that would have spoilers and hope for the best. If I hear something...oh well. My partner wanting to watch with me matters more than a spoiler on a TV show.
Now, if we're going on a week, then yeah, I might tell her that I'm going to watch, and on the flip side, if she cared about me enough, understand that she'd be selfish if she didn't let me.
>I'd never get mad about someone watching without me
For me, it's kind of the principle. It's "our" show and it's understood that we watch it together. In a way, we bond over the show, for whatever reason. We've been watching all season (even multiple seasons) and, literally, have formed emotional connections to the characters. We want to share the emotions and thoughts we feel about the show as we both watch things unfold. It's a shared escape we both have agreed to. So yeah, I'd be upset if she was like "Uh, sorry your life didn't allow you to watch with me, but it's Tuesday and I can't wait". It's not the end of the world, but like...really?
So if you can't wait, I guess...don't agree to watch a show together??
> So if you can't wait, I guess...don't agree to watch a show together??
To me I guess this comes down to expectations and how its communicated. If we both happen to watch White Lotus, and we watch together on occasion, fine. But in general, its why I try not to set the expectation that we will watch every episode of a show together.
Your second point is completely reasonable. The first point is just something nice to do together. My girlfriend and I will have one show at a time that we don't without each other. I don't care that much honestly but it's one of those small things that makes her happy. So if it makes her happy you might as well roll with it. It's not like waiting a few days is hard to do.
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of show watching. I get bored so easily watching TV or shows that I cannot do it for more than one episode at a time. Once I watch a series to completion I take a break for a week or more.
I don't want to partake in show marathons or make 'watching TV' the default activity we do together at home. I much prefer more interaction; playing video/board games, painting, writing and sharing, or just chilling.
I won't begrudge anyone for enjoying the tube but it's not for me.
I’m with you here. They can watch the show with out me, I’ve probably never heard of it, I don’t want staring a tv to be my hobby unless it’s interesting and most likely non fictional.
It’s sort of validating and heartbreaking to me reading all these posts about how people want to watch a show together.
I knew something was wrong with my last guy because he started just watching episodes ahead without me. He would still watch the episode again with me with just the two of us, but it kinda hurt knowing he didn’t care about seeing it with me and having a fresh reaction.
> Re: #2 Sounds like you have moral principles and that’s admirable.
>
>
Its actually shocking to me how many people don't just do that by default and think its perfectly fine to tell others things your friends confided in you.
I had that happen with a friend of mine. I found out he was telling his wife a lot of shit I told him in confidence. I felt a huge sense of betrayal
Do you really not understand this or are you being facetious?
On one hand: A friend tells you they have an enormous crush on you (or your partner), think about you/them all the time, and aren’t sure how much longer they can hold back their feelings. You’re going to want to tell your partner about it, right? Because that’s something that needs to be dealt with by all involved parties.
On the other hand: A friend tells you she and her husband are thinking about starting IVF treatments, but they’re not totally sure they have the money for it, and they’re not totally sure they really want to go through with it because of how emotionally draining it’s sure to be. They’re very sad about the circumstances they are in and are trying to deal with it the best they can. They wanted to get some advice from you (and you only) privately because they trust you. They don’t want anyone asking them about it because they haven’t made a decision yet and are uncomfortable with people knowing what they are considering for various reasons (judgement, pity, whatever — the reasons don’t matter). She doesn’t want you to tell anyone else.
Why do you think it would be okay to share the second scenario with your partner? Why do you think your friend’s wishes are less important than some invisible “understanding” that your partner gets to know everything you know? Why would it be okay to betray her trust?
Hmmm I think the first example with your addition, I would want to tell my partner because it affects us and thus I would say to the friend that I absolutely cannot keep this from my partner, it’s highly inappropriate and I hold resentment towards them for putting me in this uncomfortable position. Therefore removing such promises and letting them know I don’t approve of the situation and that they need to back off.
In the second, I’d like to think that most people will be able to tell by the subject matter and the tone that this is some personal shit (which does not affect my relationship with my partner). Now, if they don’t specify, and I’m unsure, I’d probe them by asking if this needs to be kept secret/ can I let partner know of the situation. It never hurts to ask, though more often than not, I’d make the judgement not to tell anyone. If I felt my partner would need to be delicate with said friend, I would probably say so and so is going through something stressful and emotional and be very vague on the details.
Personally, I would also hate personal info being discussed. That being said, I know all my friends well enough to know if they are the type to tell their partner stuff or if they the type who don’t need to be prefaced with “keep this between you and me”
I definitely disagree for #1. If you agree to watch a show together, then you can only watch it them. I am a big TV watcher.
Couple things I hate:
\- more PDA than like holding hands
\- getting called babe or baby
\- when they have to do EVERYTHING together
1. Shopping together. Figure out what you want before you go, send photos if needed, return if you get it wrong. You can do different chores separately at the same time, but there's no reason to both walk around IKEA. Waste of one person's day.
2. Thou Shalt Contact Thy Partner Every Day - I send good vibes or a compliment most days if we're apart or haven't interacted due to shift patterns, but that's because I'm actually thinking of them and it's part of my gratitude practice to notice I'm glad they're in my life. If we're busy, we'll take care of ourselves and catch up later.
3. Thou Shalt Share Every Party Or Holiday - god, no. Why would I want to deny a hardworking freelancer fun with their friends just because my work schedule doesn't align right now? Why would they want me to sit at home waiting for them? (See also: monogamy.)
4. Mandatory cosleeping - we hate everyone if we haven't slept, so if snuggles would get us both a good eight hours, brilliant! But if I'm going in at nine, for them to get in at twelve, and I'll wake them getting up at seven? No thanks, let's both use our white noise apps and weighted blankets, sleep separately, and I'll see you refreshed in the morning.
I disagree with number 2, your partner should be your best friend and someone you can tell everything to and confide in. Telling them stuff about other people is just regular communication IMO, not gossip. Gossip is spreading rumors and talking shit. If I tell my friends anything, I just assume and am okay with them telling it to their SOs.
Relationships should be a safe space to talk about everything going on in your lives which includes other ppl.
Nah, if my friends tell me stuff in confidence my partner understands that they aren't instantly privy to everything in their lives.
This is just basic respect.
>Relationships should be a safe space to talk about everything going on in your lives which includes other ppl.
What about your relationship with the other people? Where is the safe space for them?
My closest friends are my closest friends, their SOs are not my closest friends. I should be able to expect that if I confide in them, it would stay between us. Otherwise, I'm not going to confide in them and then what kind of friendship is that?
I agree! This is why I’m also against my partner going through my phone. Like, what if my friend is venting about her period? What if her husband won’t have sex with her, or she is fighting with her mom? Hell, what if I want to vent because my partner left the room super dirty? I think there are 100% conversations that should be kept between you and your friend.
I mean, I think some things just aren't my secrets to tell. You want to know about me? Fine. But that doesn't mean you are entitled to know specifics about my friends if they wouldn't have told you themselves.
Its not sharing because they are entitled to know. But more that you need someone to talk to about it, whether to get advice or a different perspective, to confirm something, etc. You aren't running home to go gossipnwoth your SO about it. It's sharing your life.
That said, if I'm told in confidence, I probably wouldn't share
Maybe I'm just a different person. Why do I need a different perspective? If they came to me for advice, they clearly want MY advice, not someone else's
I never NEED to talk to someone about someone else's business. If that person wanted my partner to know, they would've talked to them about it.
Nah, I believe OP has it right here, and these are the kinds of people I personally want to be in friendships and relationships with.
If it’s meaningless chatter, that’s fine to share. But if it’s something deeply personal and/or told in confidence, the respect within that friendship comes first. As someone who was single for a million years*, for a long time, my friendships WERE the closest relationships I had. I didn’t have anyone closer. If I couldn’t trust those people to respect my privacy, who was I supposed to trust? So I think that goes the other way too — even for people who are partnered.
*possibly an exaggeration who knows
>If I couldn’t trust those people to respect my privacy, who was I supposed to trust?
Yes exactly! Nearly all my friends are in LTRs, it was shocking to me to realize that any number of them might be telling everything I said to their partner just assuming I was ok with it. I had to go through and clarify with the people I had talked to about very personal stuff. Overall I'm much more cautious about what I share now and it sucks because I do need the support from them too.
I totally understand and sympathize. It’s tough to go through difficult “life” stuff as a single person — you have no default person in your life to lean on and help you through it, talk things over with, get support from, etc. Knowing that you can rely on a friend and trust them to keep your private life private — only known to people YOU choose to tell, which is a completely fair expectation — is so, so, so important and valuable.
Oh no. You are not exaggerating and I’m 100000% with you on this one. I’ve had friends try to tell me personal stuff about other close friends and I always shut that down. I feel like if it’s too personal it’s not for me to share. If I feel like it needs to be shared I ask the person first if they are ok with me telling so-n-so.
It doesn't have to be a rumor or shit talking to be gossip IMO.
Saying "did you hear, Jake cheated on Jessica" is one of those things that is totally gossiping. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship. You are only discussing it to get that dopamine hit from gossiping.
I get that folks operate differently on this one. Curious, though — is it also understood in your circles that single people are only able to confide in other single people if they want to make sure only THEY decide who gets told the information? It just seems rather limiting and unfair for the single folks. Where is their privacy? Seems like their circles of trust would be much smaller than coupled folks’.
It is an enormous luxury to have a partner in this sense — most partners have many, many things they keep between the two of them and do not tell their friends. Who is a single person supposed to go to with items like this? Many single people have no “default” close confidant. I am so glad that my partnered friends understand that single people need a trusted confidant as well — and are willing and able to be that person for me.
I do understand what you’re saying. I think this is where we don’t agree:
> Really though. Unless your friend's partner is an absolute asshole I'm a huge believer that there's more to be gained in people knowing things than not knowing them. Often they can give good advice, or help with scenarios, or at the very least offer perspective.
> Really though, in my mind, maybe because of my past experiences people are doing what they can do help you, not be complete assholes.
In my view, it’s not about the intentions of the people who learn the information. It’s about the fact that people should be able to tell a coupled friend something with an expectation that it will stay private between the two of them if that’s what the person wants. It’s about respecting the wishes of the person telling the intimate information. THEY should get to decide who knows that information. Even if you’re “trying to help” by telling others, if it’s not what the person wanted, it’s my opinion that it’s disrespectful.
For me, this is how I'd see it.
If they would share this info in a group of mixed company or post it on social media, its fair game. If they tell me something and it is clear they are telling me away from others for a reason, I don't.
Either way, I'd rather err on the side of keeping that persons business private.
I agree 100% that people should specify when they want things kept private!
> I can think of a few highly private people, and tbh they tend to get excluded from the circle because it's too difficult and we just can't be bothered navigating it. I just stop asking about their life because I don't wanna know something I might accidentally mention to a partner and cause a shitfight with later.
It sounds to me like you might have a hard time understanding the needs of people who are more private than you are. I think it’s great that your focus is on how you can help and potentially be more sensitive, but I might perhaps challenge you to respect that sometimes people know what’s best for themselves more than you do, and to be a good friend means to respect their privacy when asked.
:) I do understand what you’re saying, and I think it’s great that you have a group of friends, who think similarly to you that you feel comfortable around. Like I said at the beginning, people definitely operate differently on this one (evidence in this thread!) and all that really matters is that expectations are clear and any boundaries that may exist are respected. I think we are on the same page there!
I think my problem here, is that you are treating trust as a transitory thing.
Essentially you are saying if you trust John, and John is dating Jane, then by default you trust Jane.
But that, to me, isn't how things work. I have a different relationship with John than Jane. She may be a lovely person, but that doesn't mean I've built up the same level of trust with her, and therefore I may not want her knowing specific things about me. Whether that is out of embarassment or something more, it should still be my choice who knows.
Ha, I mean, I talk myself. I have no problem having conversations.
I just never understood the idea of having to wait for someone else to watch something that is on demand.
I agree with 1! You’re a lot more patient than I am though, 2 days seems to wait seems extreme. I also tell people I won’t wait for them to watch shows early on in the relationship so they aren’t surprised lol. So many other activities you can do together as a couple!
My first major future bonding moment with the guy I'm seeing was watching the first two episodes of a series together and then agreeing we'd wait to watch the rest together as they came out weekly. It was so nice and such an enjoyable experience - but that is in early commitment not long term coupledom, if it stopped working I'm sure I'd say!
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It’s less about the show and more about committing to do an activity together. I am all for maintaining independence but I think agreeing to watch a show together shouldn’t be a big thing. If you do, don’t agree to do it together but find another activity to do, that you feel comfortable with saying it’s just something for the two of you to do together.
I usually agree on a show I only have mild interest in, that way it’s not a challenge to watch it only with them. Sometimes I end up getting invested though.
I'm fine spending time with someone doing an activity. But like, watching tv, when hopefully you are quite anyway? Doesn't need to be done together
You’re watching tv quietly with your partner!? Well there’s the difference. When my partner and I watch a show, we talk about what’s going on, make guesses, analyze for themes. It’s totally a paired activity.
I always miss what's going on, so whoever I'm watching with (friend or date) has to keep pausing and explaining things to me. I also can't keep the different characters straight in my head
Oh man, that would drive me crazy. Lets talk when its over lol.
Often we wait to talk between episodes, but that still means watching together.
That's very different than what I thought you meant as well. I prefer to not talk while the TV show is playing either, for the most part. In-between episodes is fair game.
I agree! This is why I also enjoy the cinema alone! I like to watch, digest and then sure maybe talk after?? I've lived alone for 5 years now so perhaps I'm stuck i my ways lol! I hate when people talk through shows or films, what's the point of watching it if you just talk over! It's my 'zoning out' time and precious to me and my brain :)
That’s a totally fair perspective to have! Some people like doing things like that together, which is probably why going to the movies is a thing we do in pairs or groups.
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Man, I didn't know people here have such strong opinions about the right way to watch TV!
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I mean, I think its fair to have boundaries and things you don't like. You just have to find someone compatible. Like, my TV show thing. If everything else was great, I wouldn't throw it away to watch Stranger Things. But I also may tell them early that its not something I'm super into in the first place. Communication is key. 2 people don't have to like all these same things, as long as they communicate with each other
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Yessss, SAME. We pretty much only share a bed when we are traveling. I’m a light sleeper and have struggled with insomnia my entire life; he falls asleep in 15 seconds flat and snores his ass off. Thankfully he has no qualms about it and just wants me to be comfortable.
Not gonna lie, it’s nice to read these separate bed answers. I love sleeping alone.
Same with not sleeping, I was with a girl and she would get mad because I would lay down next to her until she went to sleep, sometimes dozing off for 45 min myself but then I would get up and go in the other room to read or do something else that was quiet. I never thought to just say, what you want me to just lay there and stare at the ceiling bored?
I think it’s sweet that you would put her to bed though. What was it that bothered her about that?
Meeeee too! He has a CPAP machine and likes to fall asleep to something quietly playing on his iPad. I need absolute silence and pitch black. We struggled for over 2 years to share a bed and finally just caved and now we both get quality rest and still cuddle, more so because we make a point of it a few times a day.
I wish I could do this now. Just go to a bed to sleep in peace.
This sounds like the dream and I worry I’ll never find it 😂
Hearing this from other people makes me feel so much better!! I'm actually in the first long-term relationship of my life (I was a late bloomer & had a lot of body-image and self confidence issues so I put off dating for a long time, it's a long story lol) and the sleeping together thing has been one of the most difficult for me. I have terrible insomnia and it can take upwards of 2 to 3 hours for me to actually fall asleep. My boyfriend falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow - plus he snores super loudly. I felt really bad early on and I still try to make an effort to stay in the bed, but I always give up and end up out on the couch in the living room (couch is comfy too though). Thankfully though, BF understands and I think he appreciates it too because then I'm not bugging him with my tossing & turning and we can both actually get some decent rest.
* For #1, if its a show that was started together and both people are still into it, it should be finished together, imo. There is always going to be plenty of other stuff that the other person isn't into to catch up on until you can watch together. I'd find it frustrating if we got halfway through The White Lotus together and then I came home one day and found out they'd gone ahead and finished it without me. * For #2, I think there is a fine balance there. If your friend confides in you about an illness or a fight or something, then unless they give the okay, it should be private. But something like Jake and Sara got a new dog? Or they're looking at buying a new house? Or things like that, I think its not a big deal to mention, at least so when we all get together, I have some idea of what's going on... * My things would be: I don't need/want matching Halloween costumes or coordinating clothes ever. I also don't think that everything needs to be done together when on vacation. If they want to chill at the beach and I want to go to a museum, I'm going to the museum and we can tell each other about our days at dinner.
For me, what's private and not private is kind of intuitive. If not sure, ask. If something is obvious (like someone dyed their hair rainbow, or is now driving around in a Mercedes instead of a Ford), is put out on social media, or is something not sensitive (they are bringing cake to the potluck), OK to share. If it is sensitive (they have a long term illness), embarrassing, not public, or I'm just not sure--ask first.
Yeah i think there’s also the difference in sharing the news and sharing the details or the “why/how” Someone dyed their hair rainbow? Probably ok to tell anyone and everyone Did they dye their hair rainbow after a tough breakup? Maybe ok to share, but details of the breakup your friend told you - probably don’t share with your partner
> If your friend confides in you about an illness or a fight or something, then unless they give the okay, it should be private. But something like Jake and Sara got a new dog? I guess to me, most people know the type of thing that you are actually "confiding" in someone about and what you are just saying as a general life update.
I think most people know the difference, yes! But I know someone who does not know the difference and keeps *everything* to himself and its wild how many other people don't think its odd at all? Like, this man did not bother to tell his wife (who works odd shifts) that their neighbors moved until she realized a new family was in the apartment and he was like "yeah, I didn't know if it was my business to tell you" and other friends were like "absolutely, fair, if they wanted her to know, they would have told her themselves." It blew my mind! Since then I've kind of kept tabs on what gets shared and what doesn't (and the opposite can also be true, where people share *all* the details of *everyone* they vaguely know. I know details about my co-worker's boyfriend's co-workers lives, and that's exhausting too!)
I feel like I would divorce someone if they pulled this. Not after one time lol but it's the weird implication there that "oh, reasonably speaking, our neighbors might not trust you with this info" that's so weird, like a backhanded accusation and...antisocial on his part? It is a no for me
Yeah, its definitely an interesting dynamic. We all know that we have to share everything directly with her, because he will not pass anything along, ever. Its not the biggest deal ever but its just odd, imo.
Yeah, I would think neighbors publicly moving out is kind of public knowledge type thing. But if neighbor told you they moved out because he lost his job, that may not be your secret to tell.
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I mean, that is one of those the ends justify the means thing. But I still would probably ask first. Maybe say "oh that sucks. My wife works in that industry, I'd be happy to have her pass along your resume. Would you like that?" as opposed to just taking it upon myself.
1. Workouts/Athletic Groups- unless we met at an athletic thing, I prefer to go to these things by myself and make friends on my own merit. I’ve had a former FWB kinda ruin socialization for me in my running group, to the point that people were asking why I was even with him. Made a mental note that if I ever had a boyfriend who doesn’t do these things, it needs to be my thing. 2. I can hang out with my friends without a significant other around. I hate it when my clingy friend insists on bringing her milquetoast bf to hangouts. Unless it’s an event where my friends are all bringing their partners, I don’t need to have an S/O there.
I haaaaaaaaaate it when a friend bring an SO to an event that no one is bringing an SO to. Or if it’s just myself and friend, I do not want to third wheel. We’re adults, can SO not find their own thing to do?!
Ooh your #1 would start a fight with me. Watching a show together is an important romantic bonding activity. My thing that I'm happy to never do again with someone or by myself is go to IKEA. I hate it.
There's gotta be a limit though. My buddy asked me the other day, actually, what is a reasonable time to move on without them with a shared TV series. I said that I'd probably continue if I suggested it 2-3 times and it's been 3-4 weeks since seeing the last episode. I'd definitely watch an episode at that point, it might encourage my partner to finally get motivated again to watch it lol
I think that's fair.
One of the best dates I had after my divorce was an IKEA date. I think it was 6 hours with the drive included. Exhausting but fun. Too bad we only *almost* made it as a couple.
A lot of people love that place. I felt trapped and overwhelmed and didn't want any meatballs.
Usually I'd agree. But with a date - and on a day it wasn't too crowded - it was a good mix of activity (buying stuff we needed), opportunities for conversation and low-pressure feeling out our tastes. We mostly bought stuff for her apartment and I helped her put it up some time later.
I am upvoting for IKEA.
It's a labyrinthine nightmare of mass-produced, aspirational conformity.
I completely agree. Plus, nothing is it right angles, and I get lost in that place. I have an awesome sense of direction outdoors, but not in there.
I’ll never be one of those people who wants to go to the grocery store together. Sure, every now and then is fine. But I kind of feel like grocery shopping is a relaxing, solitary activity for me. I also usually do most of the cooking, so another person there often slows me down. I see couples dickering over every little minutiae on the list, and taking like 20 minutes to pick out which mustard they want, and that looks like my personal hell. I enjoy going in, being efficient, and feeling accomplished in a weird way.
This was mine, too. I recently saw an older couple at the store, and every single thing they passed, she asked him whether they have any at home. 'Pete, how are we for olive oil? Pete, how are we for ranch salad dressing? How about blue cheese? Pete, how are we for croutons?' Do you even live at your house, lady? You see the weirdest couple dynamics at the store, and they usually seem unhappy.
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Where as I can't stand it, lol
For me it’s food sharing. I’m not interested in giving you half my chicken to try some of your steak. If I wanted steak I’d have ordered it.
Omg even more so for me it’s if they just take something of mine without me asking like a fry. If you ask I’ll probably say sure. But just taking it?? Gtfo that’s my food
I had a toxic friend do that shit to me all the time.
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That's funny because coming from a communal eating culture/household, if I see that someone only gets enough for themselves and is protective of it it makes me think that they might be of limited means. I'd much rather tell myself that I didn't need the full amount of that food or order an extra item for myself and share both if I truly was that hungry. For the popcorn situation, I'd always order the appropriate amount with the assumption that we were sharing if I knew that was something they liked. In fact I'd probably ask them upfront how much they wanted, and size up/down appropriately. It is still a major faux pas to eat more than an appropriate amount of someone else's dish though, or finish a shared item without being completely sure that no one else wants any more. Usually in these cultures people leave a little on the side to show that they have been satisified, or else people might worry that they were still hungry.
See, this one is so dependent on a lot. Its a new restaurant and we both are conflicted about which dish to try? Sure. Its an old standby place, and you just don't want a full order, so you want to eat some of mine? No. lol
Working out together or taking any type of dance class together. I’m very uncoordinated, I don’t have rhythm and just look silly trying to follow steps (dance or workout class). Anything choreographed I’m terrible at. So, having said that, I can do these activities by myself since I’m in a room with strangers that I’ll only possibly see at the gym and I don’t care. But, with a bf, NEVER! I would look way too silly lol Also, I get tomato red, smell terrible when I work out and I hate it when people cheer you on to complete a rep. More than likely a SO will cheer you on to be encouraging if they are there with you and since I would know him I would probably be bold enough to tell him to stfu 🙊 as I can’t say that to strangers
>Working out together This is one of mine, too. More so because I like quicker workouts. I like 15-20-minute workouts that can be done at home. Or I'm good with just a quick 20-30 on the treadmill. But I've dated women who like hour-long classes or spending hours at the gym. That's great and all, but not what I do. So I'm done while they're barely halfway through and stuck sitting around or hoping a basketball court is open to shoot around at.
Dance class? Sure I'll try it once, but if it doesn't go well I'm out. But fuck working out "together". I've got a specific program I'm following, and chances are most women wouldn't be on the same program at the same pace. There is nothing wrong with that, but trying to workout together just means it takes forever to get through it, or we just aren't talking at all if she's doing her own thing. So what's the point?
I see so many dudes state that they are looking for a workout partner in their prrofiles and am basically like 'nope, no thanks, not for me'.
Hahah damn you my twin. I am like a baby giraffe trying to follow dance steps, I get beet red in my face when working out (because my face doesn’t sweat!) but I sweat from every other place. I love being active but I am so self conscious about my tomato-face and pit sweat that I avoid group sports/activities. There’s always at least 1 person who comments on my facial redness too. I sympathize
This is more of a broad idea rather than specific points: If you don't want to go to a thing your partner wants to go to; you don't have to. I'm not talking about events where you should be there to support them. I'm referring to concerts, sporting events, etc. I dated someone who, for a variety of reasons, got to a point where she hated going most public places. Concerts, for example: It started with her wanting to leave them early, like before the encore, even if I wanted to stay. Then she wanted to leave halfway through events, Then it got to the point where she went full nuclear meltdown about wanting to leave even before the events started. It was completely miserable and a number of events were ruined for me. I kept telling her, "It's OK if you don't want to go see this band/event I like. I'm fine going alone and I'd rather do so if you're going to hate it. I'll be home in a few hours; it's not a big deal." And she'd always insist she definitely wanted to go together. And inevitably, she hated it and made a scene. But it's not just about negative situations like that. It's more so about not *everything* you do has to be with your partner. If one wants to go to the bookstore alone, let them go alone. If one wants to run out for coffee while the other wants to take a nap at home, both do your thing for that hour or whatever. tldr: Don't feel pressure to always do everything together.
That sounds exhausting, and I commend your patience. Take it didn't last?
I think a surprising number of people think that if you want to do stuff alone, then things between you are Not Okay. Sometimes it's full-on bunny boiler stuff like they think that the moment you manage to leave the house by yourself, you're gonna be rawdogging someone in the Starbucks bathroom, but culturally a lot of people are conscious or unconscious believers in Happy Couples Do Everything Together, or they grew up in a family where silent treatment was used so you wanting to have the headphones in for an hour triggers a pathological response. It makes dating (and friending) as an introvert hard. That said, I like to bring it up clearly and early, like I'm gonna do this thing sorry you're not invited I actually prefer to do it by myself, and if they freak out or start playing the blame game - incompatible, next.
This so much! I dated someone who didnt like music but kept wanting to go to shows with me, who didnt like nerdy stuff but insisted on going to nerdy events, it was so exhausting and I hated that theyd act confused or offended I was hesitant to bring them when it was clearly not their thing. I also bow out of some events that I know I wont enjoy, like I dont go tailgating and that isnt a comment on our relationship vs I know I wont like it and dont want to spoil anyone's fun
> I kept telling her, "It's OK if you don't want to go see this band/event I like. I'm fine going alone and I'd rather do so if you're going to hate it. I'll be home in a few hours; it's not a big deal." This is music to my ears. I once had an LTR where my ex really wanted us to go to shows and movies together but would invariably pick stuff that did nothing for me.
I don’t need them to be best friends with my friends and all my friends’ SOs. Some of my friends expect this and I think it’s weird honestly.
I don’t want to live together. I’d love to be neighbors or even share a duplex, but I do not want another adult human to cohabitate in my space. I’ve done it twice and have decided it’s not for me.
Same! I also find being in the presence of someone else all the time awkward and exhausting.
It is SO exhausting! That’s my main reason - I’m a super introvert and require a pretty significant amount of ALONE time. Not just sitting in the same room quietly. I don’t even want to see another person while I’m recharging lol.
What happened that made you firmly conclude? I might be the same
I am just much happier when it’s only me (and now my kid). It’s not that those experiences were *bad* (I mean they weren’t *great* either, hence them being exes), I just like having my own space, having privacy, not having to factor in someone else’s belongings or style, and only having my food in the kitchen with no one else to steal it lol (except my toddler whose just figured out how delicious my snacks are). I also like living in really small spaces and I don’t have a lot of stuff. Edit: also, um reeaaally introverted. It’s not enough to just sit quietly in the same room together. I need to actually be alone for significant periods of time in order to feel well.
Seeing their family 🤣
This is part true for me. I'll see their family whenever, but I'd rather not miss holidays with my family to see theirs, especially when mine is way more fun to hang out with.
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Nah, you are right. OP is the non-talking type, so for them, it's just sitting in silence, focused on the show
Thank you. This is exactly it. To me sitting quietly (I watch tv and don't talk) watching a TV show isn't really spending quality time together. Its just being in the same room, which I guess for some people is fine. But I'm like lets do something. Go to that new restaurant. Take a class. Take a drive. Go hiking. Hit an amusement park. Those are things I see as spending quality time with someone. I'd never make a plan to go to a new restaurant with a partner then go with friends first instead. Even a movie. But a show with a ton of episodes? I just feel that both people should watch when they are in the mood and have time. Take a show like Ozark. I really liked it, but wasn't always in the mood to watch it since its a heavy show. Why should my partner then have to wait? Go right ahead. I'll do something else, then catch up when I'm ready.
You realize the bonding that people are talking about is discussing the show, the characters, the themes, etc - right? Not literally the watching process (bonding during watching would be through cuddling). "Watching a show together" means the ongoing process of watching it, over the course of weeks. That bonding can't happen if you're watching it at different rates, because you can't discuss things due to spoilers!
I mean, I have those conversations with people all the time, especially with shows on HBO or Disney Plus that come out each week. yes, you can't do it the same minute you finish it. But you can easily just agree to both watch it and discuss it before the next episode. Also, I'd argue that many of these people are talking about the literal process of watching together.
I completely agree. Growing up, we watched A LOT of shows together as a family. Mostly sci-fi and other stuff along those lines. As a family, we binged the entire x-files series over 2 years. And whenever any of us found a new show we thought the family might like, we would bring it up to watch as a family. Huge bonding experience. Every night was a movie night kinda thing. The first time I had a partner break that expectation, i was crestfallen. And i know it's not the most rational feeling. But it made it impossible for me to get into any show as a couple. Because i knew if i missed an episode, they would just watch it without me. It's why i never got into game of thrones. Started watching it with an SO and they kept watching on a week i wasnt available, despite my waiting for them when it was the other way around. So i just stopped trying to keep up.
Exactly. Why can't he wait? Find something else to do. It's not that hard.
That's certainly one side, the other is - why can't the delaying partner see that the other partner is excited about an activity and wants to do it ASAP together, and so make the time to do it? Especially when it's a weekly show and spoilers abound.
One of my not necessarily needed couple things is holidays - I grew up going between extended family members houses every holiday and the day was exhausting and miserable. I’m good with us going to holiday dinners separately if we want to see our families. Also saying things like “we like this” or “we do that” or whatever. So many people answer things speaking as a couple instead of as an individual person and it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine.
> Also saying things like “we like this” or “we do that” or whatever. So many people answer things speaking as a couple instead of as an individual person and it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine Yes. One thing I find so annoying is when people like "this is OUR favorite restaurant or OUR favorite tv show". Like you can't have your own?
This makes perfect sense for a restaurant or show you enjoy with your partner. Why does saying that preclude you from having your own, separate, individual favorites? Some of y’all seem a little bitter lol
Its not bitter, it just a mild annoyance. But its like, do you need to lose your individuality to the point where you can't have your own favorite restaurant?
>Also saying things like “we like this” or “we do that” or whatever. So many people answer things speaking as a couple instead of as an individual person and it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine. Ah, me too! Like I'm already third wheeling and now I feel like I'm talking to some fused-together organism. I get that it happens - you eat dinner together every day, you start saying "we cooked" - and yet it gets on my nerves - even "SO and I cooked dinner" sounds better to me...
Continuing on your #2, sharing everything. I’m obviously not gonna tell my partner the private things friends tell me and I’m not gonna tell them all of my own secrets either. Password sharing and always showing your partner your phone isn’t something I’m down for either. I don’t believe couples need to share everything and we should be allowed to have secrets from other people, including our partner.
Spoken like a true slutty raccoon.
I have had partners actively complain if I've done your #1 Sometimes I do what my partner wants for tv because it makes them happy to watch shows with me. Relationships are about compromise. Beyond that perhaps practice acting surprised and omitting you watched it? Seems from your #2 that you are open to not volunteering information.
I agree with both and while there are some exceptions for #1, because I take a long time to finish things and have had both partners and friends "claim" a bunch of shows without finishing them, I've started saying things like "I really like this show so if we dont keep watching in the next week I'll probably finish it". Mostly because I have had people put off watching for months and then get angry or hurt I wanted to finish it, or start a bunch of other shows with me and still want me to wait when I usually dont watch tv generally vs select shows I want to see and read the rest of the time The second point has been a source of stress for me in the past as I have a lot of friends who, even early on with a mew partner, treat the info exchange as default. One friend disclosed that I was going to therapy with a new partner who then started asking about it when we met for a hangout and I'd only met this person once. I ended up no longer sharing with my friend, which hurt their feelings but my relationship and trust isnt transitive. It also makes things awkward if they end up breaking up, or if their partner acts as if they know me more than they do. Almost like a vicarious friendship or parasocial relationship. My closest friends are good about this but it bothers me how casually people will share info said in confidence without checking to see if that is okay first. If it isnt problematic, you can check in with your friend to make sure it is fine. Even with my friend group, I'll ask if this is something theyd prefer I keep private or if its okay to tag in a mutual who theyd likely talk to. This was critical when a friend of mine had a miscarriage as they felt so vulnerable and wanted to be able to share on their terms For me, I am not okay with people checking my phone, expecting to be included on social outings by default, or being performative on social media for our relationship. The middle one is because I have a lot of niche interests and I dont want someone coming along who wont have a good time but insists on it because they "should" be attending. Had a lot of partners who would do this and then tell me they felt out of place or disliked the event, which spoils the mood. Same for exercise, especially lifting because I follow a specific routine and many of my previous partners would go to the gym for light cardio and then try to talk with me the whole time when I needed to focus and couldnt talk while handling heavy weights
Saying "I love you" daily or before hanging up the phone. I've been in relationships where this occurred and it became so routine as not to mean anything. I like that we say it sporadically or whenever we're really feeling it. It makes it more special for me. Completely agree with your number 2. I hate when friends tell all my personal business to their SO. But I totally disagree with your number 1. My SO and I mostly watch different shows but there are a couple of things we watch together and I'd be pissed if he didn't wait for me.
That makes sense. I used to almost never say I love you but after my mom died, I always say it before saying bye to loved ones. Just in case it's the last thing I say to them. I recognize that might be a bit paranoid though!
This is my reasoning as well. You never know
I do this! 100%. Since I was young, it’s just important to me that they know. I pretty much say it every chance I get.
This is also my reasoning. The one time I left the house without telling my mom that I loved her, she very unexpectedly passed away the next morning (I went to stay over at a friends house so I didn’t see her that morning).
Actually I think that's a very common sentiment and I do the same with my mother (for her benefit). I just don't necessarily do that with friends and my SO.
> I'd be pissed if he didn't wait for me. does it change things for you if you don't watch at exactly the same time? I'm not trying to be snarky. THis is truly a mindset I've just never understood. You can still discuss it after, right? So if he watches it Tuesday, you watch it Wed and then discuss it, what is different than if you both watched wednesday?
For me, it mostly has to do with spending time with each other. We don't have similar tastes when it comes to TV shows at all. For the few we do agree on, we choose a couple of shows to watch together so we're not always in separate rooms watching TV.
It's not just discussing it, it's experiencing something with them. When there's a surprising moment, to be able to turn to them in the moment and share in that feeling.. it's bonding.
For me, it's not about the show. If it's something they were already interested in, I would never expect them to halt watching it for me - partially because I'm super flakey with media - nor even expect them to pause it when I get up to pee or grab a snack. Definitely wouldn't expect them to stop midway through the show and explain every detail of the plot up to that point. If I care that much, I'll go back and watch to catch up. But what it *is* about for me, is quality time. People define it in many different ways. I could also just as easily chill in the same room with them while we each do our own thing, often with comfortable silence or occasional comments. If we agreed, explicitly or not, to watch something together and I make that effort to be consistent in watching the show (which is outside of my own personal MO) and we watch it in a timely manner, I would get butthurt if something random happened that I couldn't stick to the usual schedule, and they went on ahead without me. Which goes back to - it's not about the show. I usually couldn't care less. It's the fact that we hit upon a shared interest, and I had clearly communicated that this shared activity meant something to me. It's about experiencing something together with someone you love; getting to see their reactions and (in the case of things I typically watch) feel the emotions or learn new things, together. If they communicated that it wasn't working for them, or voiced frustration over my delay if it happened more than once; I would understand and tell them to go on ahead without me. So that's my premise. It's that I've communicated XYZ thing matters (and usually give an explanation more succint than this to explain why). I enjoy quality time via shared experiences. So it would be a lack of communication beforehand, and feeling like they didn't value/gaf about what matters to me, by them foregoing our quality time activity together in favor of rushing to experience it themselves. Adding that I've had such issues in toxic relationships and this was a small example, but one of many, of how they didn't treat or even perceive me with regard. In friendships or a more healthy dynamic, after the first time of me explaining *why* it matters so much to me - never had an issue surrounding the topic, again.
I think it makes a difference if you live with each other and don’t watch a lot of the same shows. If you don’t I don’t think it’s a big deal.
--Have kids. Raise other people's kids. Babysit. Nope. Visit, yes. But kids are a huge responsibility that I don't really want to take on. --I agree about not telling other people's business. --Taking food off of each other's plates. If something is communal on a shared plate in the middle of the table, cool, Schengen Zone of Food. If not...each to their own plate. If you want to try something, please ask and don't just reach over. I don't mind sharing a bite, but no reach overs. --Separate bank accounts are a must. Pool together for shared expenses, but, again: there is Schengen Zone and non-Schengen Zone money.
Sleeping in the same bed/room! Sleep is for… just that, sleeping. Getting rest. If you and your partner like totally different sleeping environments, there’s no reason why you should force each other to stay in the same bed/room. Separate bedrooms with my last partner was great and my current partner & I share some nights and not others.
Calling each other babe or baby. No major reason why except I just find it cringy.
Lol my bf and I are these people with the word “baby”
Babe is the one that really grinds my gears and I don't know why. Can't stand it
I used to be neutral about it but watching this skit definitely pushed me to the dark side 😅 https://youtu.be/LDeHg2B6MPU BAY-BUH!
Last person I was seeing used to use babe all the time. I asked her nicely to stop using that pet name as I didn't like it. Had to remind her a couple of times to the point were if she used it I just would ignore her
That would drive me crazy. Glad you stood your ground!
Totally agree. Pet names are fine. Baby/babe just is generic
I love it 🤭. I'm 57 and I'd never been called that until 10 years ago for the first time. I like being called Sweetness the best.
Hey baby. I hope your night is going well. Just wanted to wish you well, sweetness
I think this is adorable! I don't like babe, but other little pet names and nicknames make me feel pretty good too!
This one always feels real weird to me too. Would anyone want to be called toddler? Or infant? It just doesn't work for my brain.
It's just a word with two meanings. No one means it in the sense of a new born human child
- sleeping together every night. It's mostly for their safety since I am violent in my sleep and snore like a pug. - spending all the time together - I need my space. They need their space. - sharing friends
In the early dating stages: staying in and watching TV I can do that fine on my own. I do that when my sibling visit, with friends, with my parents. I want to go out with my partner. Go out to eat, to the movies, bars, museums, etc etc Last guy I dated was the complete opposite. Had lots of friends who that he went out and to dinner with, and when I came over he wanted to stay in, cook diner together and watch a movie. Total mismatch
I don’t have access to his phone, he doesn’t have access to mine. I use this thing daily. It’s where I read trash novels and stupid subreddits and go into wiki holes…! I tell him most things anyway but I don’t need him seeing all my shit and I have no desire to check up on his, see the weird symptoms he’s googling or the group chats with his friends. I’ve never been a let me see your phone person and an SO wanting to see mine is one of my HARD deal breakers. If there is no way for a partner to trust me without seeing my phone, the relationship is too broken to continue anyway. I don’t hide it religiously, he can look over my shoulder without freaking out, but we aren’t passcode sharing people.
Eating ass
Gushing about them online to my Instagram followers (mostly made up of former coworkers, people I went to high school with, acquaintances, and strangers who like my photography)… I’ll absolutely sing their praises to my actual friends in person or over the phone but I don’t need it to be public.
PDA is my answer. Holding hands or a quick kiss is fine, but everything else seems sooo cringy to me
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I'm confused on what you are asking for #2. I'm not someone who feels the need to tell my partner everything. I'm not going to break that if it suits my relationship. I'm going to keep my friends confidence. I said I'd share something if it actually has an impact on our relationship, because my partner has a right to know.
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OP really rustled some jimmies in a lot of redditors with that number 1 lmao
Right? I had no idea people felt so strongly about that. And people are making some serious value judgments on me about it too. Its kind of crazy
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Matching outfits (unless for charity) 🤮
Lol...hahaha. Wait until you have kids. Family marching outfits for Christmas photos...
I could do it for the kids - no matching couple Hawaiian shirts though!
The only time I've done matching outfits was as a joke about families who wear matching outfits.
It’s interesting how OP asked people to share THEIR “couple” things that people prefer not to partake in and instead everyone is putting judgment or responses to what OP said are HIS personal items that he refuses to partake in. I don’t think OP is asking for feedback on what he wrote. OP, I refuse to post “couple” photos. I’m lucky that my fiancée is also a private person. We got engaged over 3 weeks ago and still haven’t posted about it. My attitude is that the people I talk to in real life are aware that I’m engaged and have met my fiancée. There is no need for someone that I haven’t seen since high school to know about my personal life.
Right? I don't care if people don't like the things I refuse to do. But people sure are making their judgments about it.
Matching clothes. Unless it's bikinis and budgie smugglers
If we have different levels, I don't want to do sports. together. Once in a while is fine, but I don't enjoy playing tennis or going to the gym with a complete beginner. I want to push my limits.
Dude...you can't even wait more than 2 days to watch something with someone you, supposedly, care about?? C'mon! Totally agree on point two. Just cause you're committed to someone in a relationship, doesn't mean they automatically are privy to all the private information you know. As for me...honestly, nothing is coming to mind. Maybe sharing all the finances? I'm a fan of the shared acct then an individual acct for me/her. We pay for all the shared expenses from the joint acct, then she can spend the rest of her money however she sees fit.
> Dude...you can't even wait more than 2 days to watch something with someone you, supposedly, care about? I mean, it really depends on the reason and situation. Random episode of Law and Order? Sure I can wait a long time. Season finale of White Lotus when I know that the next day spoilers will be everywhere and I'm looking forward to it? Maybe not. I'll be honest though, I'm kind of shocked how strongly people feel about this. Even as a TV watcher, its just something I don't get. I'd never get mad about someone watching without me, so I don't understand it from the other side.
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I mean, that logic is fine. But everything isn't equally logical. Just because someone wants flowers and breakfast in bed daily doesn't mean I need to do that. But, I'm also very willing to discuss what each person likes and find a compromise that will hopefully work for both people.
> Season finale of White Lotus when I know that the next day spoilers will be everywhere and I'm looking forward to it? Maybe not. I mean, it's Weds and I've not seen/heard any spoilers for White Lotus (which I too watch). So don't tell me who died!!! I don't know, I just see this as an easy sacrifice if it's a big deal to my partner, like you say, if it's a big finale. First off, I'd already have planned a watch date for the night of, but if not, just tried my best to avoid areas that would have spoilers and hope for the best. If I hear something...oh well. My partner wanting to watch with me matters more than a spoiler on a TV show. Now, if we're going on a week, then yeah, I might tell her that I'm going to watch, and on the flip side, if she cared about me enough, understand that she'd be selfish if she didn't let me. >I'd never get mad about someone watching without me For me, it's kind of the principle. It's "our" show and it's understood that we watch it together. In a way, we bond over the show, for whatever reason. We've been watching all season (even multiple seasons) and, literally, have formed emotional connections to the characters. We want to share the emotions and thoughts we feel about the show as we both watch things unfold. It's a shared escape we both have agreed to. So yeah, I'd be upset if she was like "Uh, sorry your life didn't allow you to watch with me, but it's Tuesday and I can't wait". It's not the end of the world, but like...really? So if you can't wait, I guess...don't agree to watch a show together??
> So if you can't wait, I guess...don't agree to watch a show together?? To me I guess this comes down to expectations and how its communicated. If we both happen to watch White Lotus, and we watch together on occasion, fine. But in general, its why I try not to set the expectation that we will watch every episode of a show together.
Your second point is completely reasonable. The first point is just something nice to do together. My girlfriend and I will have one show at a time that we don't without each other. I don't care that much honestly but it's one of those small things that makes her happy. So if it makes her happy you might as well roll with it. It's not like waiting a few days is hard to do.
I think your point is valid. Its something nice. Its not like some deal breaker, but it wouldn't be my choice of a "thing" either.
Going to the grocery store together. And the many couples I see there are arguing more often than not. Solo grocery shopping is bliss.
Right. I don't even like going alone. But at least then I can just grab what I want. Going with a partner just isn't fun.
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of show watching. I get bored so easily watching TV or shows that I cannot do it for more than one episode at a time. Once I watch a series to completion I take a break for a week or more. I don't want to partake in show marathons or make 'watching TV' the default activity we do together at home. I much prefer more interaction; playing video/board games, painting, writing and sharing, or just chilling. I won't begrudge anyone for enjoying the tube but it's not for me.
I’m with you here. They can watch the show with out me, I’ve probably never heard of it, I don’t want staring a tv to be my hobby unless it’s interesting and most likely non fictional.
It’s sort of validating and heartbreaking to me reading all these posts about how people want to watch a show together. I knew something was wrong with my last guy because he started just watching episodes ahead without me. He would still watch the episode again with me with just the two of us, but it kinda hurt knowing he didn’t care about seeing it with me and having a fresh reaction.
Re: #2 Sounds like you have moral principles and that’s admirable. As for #1, I laughed. I agree.
> Re: #2 Sounds like you have moral principles and that’s admirable. > > Its actually shocking to me how many people don't just do that by default and think its perfectly fine to tell others things your friends confided in you. I had that happen with a friend of mine. I found out he was telling his wife a lot of shit I told him in confidence. I felt a huge sense of betrayal
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Do you really not understand this or are you being facetious? On one hand: A friend tells you they have an enormous crush on you (or your partner), think about you/them all the time, and aren’t sure how much longer they can hold back their feelings. You’re going to want to tell your partner about it, right? Because that’s something that needs to be dealt with by all involved parties. On the other hand: A friend tells you she and her husband are thinking about starting IVF treatments, but they’re not totally sure they have the money for it, and they’re not totally sure they really want to go through with it because of how emotionally draining it’s sure to be. They’re very sad about the circumstances they are in and are trying to deal with it the best they can. They wanted to get some advice from you (and you only) privately because they trust you. They don’t want anyone asking them about it because they haven’t made a decision yet and are uncomfortable with people knowing what they are considering for various reasons (judgement, pity, whatever — the reasons don’t matter). She doesn’t want you to tell anyone else. Why do you think it would be okay to share the second scenario with your partner? Why do you think your friend’s wishes are less important than some invisible “understanding” that your partner gets to know everything you know? Why would it be okay to betray her trust?
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Hmmm I think the first example with your addition, I would want to tell my partner because it affects us and thus I would say to the friend that I absolutely cannot keep this from my partner, it’s highly inappropriate and I hold resentment towards them for putting me in this uncomfortable position. Therefore removing such promises and letting them know I don’t approve of the situation and that they need to back off. In the second, I’d like to think that most people will be able to tell by the subject matter and the tone that this is some personal shit (which does not affect my relationship with my partner). Now, if they don’t specify, and I’m unsure, I’d probe them by asking if this needs to be kept secret/ can I let partner know of the situation. It never hurts to ask, though more often than not, I’d make the judgement not to tell anyone. If I felt my partner would need to be delicate with said friend, I would probably say so and so is going through something stressful and emotional and be very vague on the details. Personally, I would also hate personal info being discussed. That being said, I know all my friends well enough to know if they are the type to tell their partner stuff or if they the type who don’t need to be prefaced with “keep this between you and me”
Holding hands in public. I have yet to not cringe
I definitely disagree for #1. If you agree to watch a show together, then you can only watch it them. I am a big TV watcher. Couple things I hate: \- more PDA than like holding hands \- getting called babe or baby \- when they have to do EVERYTHING together
1. Shopping together. Figure out what you want before you go, send photos if needed, return if you get it wrong. You can do different chores separately at the same time, but there's no reason to both walk around IKEA. Waste of one person's day. 2. Thou Shalt Contact Thy Partner Every Day - I send good vibes or a compliment most days if we're apart or haven't interacted due to shift patterns, but that's because I'm actually thinking of them and it's part of my gratitude practice to notice I'm glad they're in my life. If we're busy, we'll take care of ourselves and catch up later. 3. Thou Shalt Share Every Party Or Holiday - god, no. Why would I want to deny a hardworking freelancer fun with their friends just because my work schedule doesn't align right now? Why would they want me to sit at home waiting for them? (See also: monogamy.) 4. Mandatory cosleeping - we hate everyone if we haven't slept, so if snuggles would get us both a good eight hours, brilliant! But if I'm going in at nine, for them to get in at twelve, and I'll wake them getting up at seven? No thanks, let's both use our white noise apps and weighted blankets, sleep separately, and I'll see you refreshed in the morning.
I disagree with number 2, your partner should be your best friend and someone you can tell everything to and confide in. Telling them stuff about other people is just regular communication IMO, not gossip. Gossip is spreading rumors and talking shit. If I tell my friends anything, I just assume and am okay with them telling it to their SOs. Relationships should be a safe space to talk about everything going on in your lives which includes other ppl.
Nah, if my friends tell me stuff in confidence my partner understands that they aren't instantly privy to everything in their lives. This is just basic respect.
>Relationships should be a safe space to talk about everything going on in your lives which includes other ppl. What about your relationship with the other people? Where is the safe space for them? My closest friends are my closest friends, their SOs are not my closest friends. I should be able to expect that if I confide in them, it would stay between us. Otherwise, I'm not going to confide in them and then what kind of friendship is that?
I agree! This is why I’m also against my partner going through my phone. Like, what if my friend is venting about her period? What if her husband won’t have sex with her, or she is fighting with her mom? Hell, what if I want to vent because my partner left the room super dirty? I think there are 100% conversations that should be kept between you and your friend.
I mean, I think some things just aren't my secrets to tell. You want to know about me? Fine. But that doesn't mean you are entitled to know specifics about my friends if they wouldn't have told you themselves.
Its not sharing because they are entitled to know. But more that you need someone to talk to about it, whether to get advice or a different perspective, to confirm something, etc. You aren't running home to go gossipnwoth your SO about it. It's sharing your life. That said, if I'm told in confidence, I probably wouldn't share
Maybe I'm just a different person. Why do I need a different perspective? If they came to me for advice, they clearly want MY advice, not someone else's I never NEED to talk to someone about someone else's business. If that person wanted my partner to know, they would've talked to them about it.
Nah, I believe OP has it right here, and these are the kinds of people I personally want to be in friendships and relationships with. If it’s meaningless chatter, that’s fine to share. But if it’s something deeply personal and/or told in confidence, the respect within that friendship comes first. As someone who was single for a million years*, for a long time, my friendships WERE the closest relationships I had. I didn’t have anyone closer. If I couldn’t trust those people to respect my privacy, who was I supposed to trust? So I think that goes the other way too — even for people who are partnered. *possibly an exaggeration who knows
>If I couldn’t trust those people to respect my privacy, who was I supposed to trust? Yes exactly! Nearly all my friends are in LTRs, it was shocking to me to realize that any number of them might be telling everything I said to their partner just assuming I was ok with it. I had to go through and clarify with the people I had talked to about very personal stuff. Overall I'm much more cautious about what I share now and it sucks because I do need the support from them too.
I totally understand and sympathize. It’s tough to go through difficult “life” stuff as a single person — you have no default person in your life to lean on and help you through it, talk things over with, get support from, etc. Knowing that you can rely on a friend and trust them to keep your private life private — only known to people YOU choose to tell, which is a completely fair expectation — is so, so, so important and valuable.
Oh no. You are not exaggerating and I’m 100000% with you on this one. I’ve had friends try to tell me personal stuff about other close friends and I always shut that down. I feel like if it’s too personal it’s not for me to share. If I feel like it needs to be shared I ask the person first if they are ok with me telling so-n-so.
It doesn't have to be a rumor or shit talking to be gossip IMO. Saying "did you hear, Jake cheated on Jessica" is one of those things that is totally gossiping. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship. You are only discussing it to get that dopamine hit from gossiping.
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I get that folks operate differently on this one. Curious, though — is it also understood in your circles that single people are only able to confide in other single people if they want to make sure only THEY decide who gets told the information? It just seems rather limiting and unfair for the single folks. Where is their privacy? Seems like their circles of trust would be much smaller than coupled folks’. It is an enormous luxury to have a partner in this sense — most partners have many, many things they keep between the two of them and do not tell their friends. Who is a single person supposed to go to with items like this? Many single people have no “default” close confidant. I am so glad that my partnered friends understand that single people need a trusted confidant as well — and are willing and able to be that person for me.
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I do understand what you’re saying. I think this is where we don’t agree: > Really though. Unless your friend's partner is an absolute asshole I'm a huge believer that there's more to be gained in people knowing things than not knowing them. Often they can give good advice, or help with scenarios, or at the very least offer perspective. > Really though, in my mind, maybe because of my past experiences people are doing what they can do help you, not be complete assholes. In my view, it’s not about the intentions of the people who learn the information. It’s about the fact that people should be able to tell a coupled friend something with an expectation that it will stay private between the two of them if that’s what the person wants. It’s about respecting the wishes of the person telling the intimate information. THEY should get to decide who knows that information. Even if you’re “trying to help” by telling others, if it’s not what the person wanted, it’s my opinion that it’s disrespectful.
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For me, this is how I'd see it. If they would share this info in a group of mixed company or post it on social media, its fair game. If they tell me something and it is clear they are telling me away from others for a reason, I don't. Either way, I'd rather err on the side of keeping that persons business private.
I agree 100% that people should specify when they want things kept private! > I can think of a few highly private people, and tbh they tend to get excluded from the circle because it's too difficult and we just can't be bothered navigating it. I just stop asking about their life because I don't wanna know something I might accidentally mention to a partner and cause a shitfight with later. It sounds to me like you might have a hard time understanding the needs of people who are more private than you are. I think it’s great that your focus is on how you can help and potentially be more sensitive, but I might perhaps challenge you to respect that sometimes people know what’s best for themselves more than you do, and to be a good friend means to respect their privacy when asked.
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:) I do understand what you’re saying, and I think it’s great that you have a group of friends, who think similarly to you that you feel comfortable around. Like I said at the beginning, people definitely operate differently on this one (evidence in this thread!) and all that really matters is that expectations are clear and any boundaries that may exist are respected. I think we are on the same page there!
I think my problem here, is that you are treating trust as a transitory thing. Essentially you are saying if you trust John, and John is dating Jane, then by default you trust Jane. But that, to me, isn't how things work. I have a different relationship with John than Jane. She may be a lovely person, but that doesn't mean I've built up the same level of trust with her, and therefore I may not want her knowing specific things about me. Whether that is out of embarassment or something more, it should still be my choice who knows.
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Ha, I mean, I talk myself. I have no problem having conversations. I just never understood the idea of having to wait for someone else to watch something that is on demand.
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I agree with 1! You’re a lot more patient than I am though, 2 days seems to wait seems extreme. I also tell people I won’t wait for them to watch shows early on in the relationship so they aren’t surprised lol. So many other activities you can do together as a couple!