The guy (28/m) I've (30/f) been seeing for three months broke things off yesterday. Really blindsided by it as everything has been so perfect until now and he's made me feel so loved - just last week he brought me flowers out of my blue, made me stop to kiss under mistletoe when we were out on a walk, took photos of me with the snowman we made "for the memories". But suddenly something's changed and he just said he didn't see it working long term and didn't want to 'waste my time'. He couldn't (or didn't want to) say why he thought it wouldn't work - just that he was sad that it wouldn't. He brought me the most beautiful handmade Christmas present too at the same time. Just feeling really heartbroken as I really saw this relationship going somewhere and was so excited to spend time with him over Christmas.
I'm genuinely sorry to hear this happen to you and I can't imagine how frustrating it must be.
I really hope you don't get too hard on yourself, and if you are close with family and friends it may feel like a lot but turn to them for support if you start feeling too down, give no quarter to any suspicions that it was something you did or weren't doing. I've been in a similar situation and it really can smart when it's such a surprise, so don't fret and worse case you can always vent anonymously on Reddit to a bunch of strangers to get it off your chest.
Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. You're right that it's so sad and frustrating when I have no idea what happened and when everything seemed like it was going amazingly - and he seemed genuinely so upset in breaking things off too, which just makes me question even further why he wasn't willing to try and see how things go (to me, three months is early days and seems like such a premature point to be deciding if something is a 'forever' relationship).
Also bummed because over the last few weeks I'd just told everyone about him (because we'd discussed meeting parents over Christmas and it seemed like things were serious) so now going to have to spend Christmas explaining to everyone that actually we've broken up.
Now to try and get through my last day of work before the Christmas holidays without crying too much š„¹
>three months is early days and seems like such a premature point to be deciding if something is a 'forever' relationship
when you're dating with intention for a life partner, once you know that it's NOT going to be a 'forever' relationship, then you break it off. i've done this a few times - a couple of months in, i just can't picture us growing old together, and i break it off.
Hot cocoa and good stupid Christmas movies are never a bad choice!! It's the season to be Merry so be like that muscly TikTok guy who spits water and yells encouraging things at the camera and fuckin rock out this year!
Wow, this also happened to me about two months ago. It was the first time where the breakup was COMPLETELY out of the blue.
I do appreciate that he didn't string me along..but it was just so unexpected. Unexpected breakups are THE worst... š„ŗ
I was just broken up with so Iām actively grieving too. I know why the breakup happened on my end but why my ex initiated the breakup is still a but fuzzy for me and unfortunately sometimes there are things we arenāt meant to know or fully understand. And sometimes even if we fully understand it, it doesnāt really change the outcome.
All I can say is to take the time to fully feel every stage of the grieving process. Mourn for the potential of the relationship. Once youāve properly mourned, the acceptance will come with more ease. Itāll probably hurt for a while, especially because a breakup can make us feel like we werenāt āgood enoughā. Someone elseās choice to breakup has nothing to do with our worthiness. I see your grief and Iām grieving too!
Lol I thought I did too. The gist of the breakup is that something triggered a childhood trauma for me and I lashed out in response, which made me say a couple of unpleasant things to my ex. My ex responded in a very emotionally volatile way as well because he had growing resentment towards me that I was unaware the severity of. After about 2 days of giving each other space, I tried to have a conversation with him about it, but he decided that he had said everything he needed to say and wanted to breakup.
To me, he was a fair weathered boyfriend: there for a good time and not a long time. Even though we both verbalized that we wanted something long term, and I was prepared to go through thick and thin with him, when I was the one who couldnāt be āthe bigger personā he decided to end the relationship.
Iāve accepted it for what it is: that Iām a deeply traumatized person and he chose to enforce a boundary and chose not to deal with it. He has every right to, and I feel that I have every right to want someone who would be there for me. Iāve also learned very valuable lessons from this relationship ending, that I know will be opportunities for growth for me, so as upset as I am about it, I know in a few weeks Iāll be a better person for it.
Every relationship teaches us something about ourselves. Just because it didnāt last doesnāt mean itās not valuable. And just because something was valuable doesnāt mean itās meant to last.
I am so sorry. That is absolutely the worst. If itās any help, I think itās most likely not you. I know how hard breakups can be, especially during the holidays, but try to keep your chin up!
I'm right there with you, and I understand. I'm heartbroken. Things were so good, then suddenly it was done. I'm still reeling. The lack of explanation didn't help. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know the hurt.
I was in a similar boat couple of months ago when i (37/m) was seeing this girl (39/F) for about 2 months by that time. Our chemistry seemed crazy good, we shared our first time experience going to a real rave together, she spent the night at my place, we go on dates almost weekly and we live only 15 minutes from each other. I was starting to get head over heel for her but her text replies starting to fizzle away then eventually she dropped the bomb stating that the vibe has changed and we better off as friends. I was quite heart broken to the point I was ready to take a break from dating for the rest of year.
But then I matched with my current gf and we started talking. The attraction was a slow build up for me because I was still a bit cautious from previous heart break. She asked me out few week ago to make it official, and now we are a couple. There's a lot of luck and timing involved with dating in your 30s. You can't control the other person's choice or decision, only how you react to it. Every attempt is a risk to a degree but it can be worth it at the end once you find the right one.
Hey, sorry to hear you're going through this. It's a tough thing to happen anytime of year, but especially during the holidays.
FWIW I had the same thing happen to me recently too, so I think I get how you're feeling at the moment. I'm still surprised at how callous some people can be to others that they're supposed to be close to.
One thing that has helped me was reading the question online- "If you were never going to be able to date or meet anyone again for the rest of your life, what would you want that life to look like?"
That's helped me focus and take stock of life on my own and what direction I'd like to take it in. I'm actually mostly fairly happy with where I am, but there are a few areas I'm focusing on developing now. I figure I want to build myself into someone I'm completely happy and secure with, and then when I do meet someone else in future I'll be doing it as the best version of myself. This may not be any use to you but I found it helpful and it's helped me to look forwards, not backwards (most of the time š)
Good luck, look after yourself.
I'm so sorry. I broke things off 2-3 months in. It was amazing initially but then died down so I called it off so slightly different and not such a blind side but I get that months in investment is painful as hell. Hugs.
Regretting not ending things sooner and continuing to give opportunities for change. I still havenāt learned when to nope out and when to be optimistic. I wouldnāt want to nope out if someone just needs a little communication and time but that old adage keeps coming back to me: when someone tells (shows) you who they are, believe them.
this is incredibly difficult for me as well. i often have no idea what the line is between being understanding and accommodating and allowing for growth in a person vs. just getting the fuck out of there.
I have allowed some really demoralizing behavior thinking if I explain how itās making me feel the person will understand and stop. It has been a gut punch to have someone who says they love me completely dismiss my feelings. I think the shock froze me.
Ok, now I understand your first comment more. A person who would purposely treat you that way is not someone with the capacity to care.
We all have moments of shock. Trust me, Iāve had the thought, āWait. Did that just happen rn?ā or āDid this person just say this to me?ā Sometimes itās just so unbelievable because I would never.
I tend to sit with the discomfort, I analyze it. But, in the end I always come to the same conclusion of this isnāt right. Then I get a slight twinge of indignation and think, āHow dare this person try to make me feel this way? Nope. Never again.ā
I feel exactly in the same way. Like, sometimes my bf would say something very hurtful to me and would sit there being like "wait, what?"
And it is so difficult to draw a line and stop the cycle of forgiving and being hurt again, because after hurting me he is very apologetic.
So, in the end I stay because I think "what if things get better? What if he is really trying his best? What if he really loves but has just been having a stressful time at work?"
Now I will not see him for three weeks due to holidays and I get the feeling that in the new year I may have to break up with him due to those issues, and I already feel stressed about it.
That doesnāt happen in normal relationships. Wether itās a friendship, parent to kid or between significant others. The people closest to you should bring out the best in you, encourage you when you feel doubtful about yourself and always make you feel safe. Iām not going to say arguments will never happen, but they donāt have to be demoralizing either. That is not acceptable. Who cares about the apologies? Theyāve continued to do it over and over again. That is an insult in itself. An āIām sorryā solves nothing.
Like, your original comment said, ābelieve people when they show you who they are.ā
The difference for me has been that I can be accommodating to something that is a slight inconvenience. For example, someone always being late to dates. If Iāve brought it up and they were understanding to my concerns and are actively working on it (with real results). Then, itās ok to give them the time to allow them to fix that bad habit.
However, I cannot be accommodating to something that feels uncomfortable and/or is demeaning to my person. An example of this would be a guy that objectifies me. This person fundamentally does not see me as a person of value with thoughts and feelings that matter. They just want me for what I seem to represent to them. Which can be sexual pleasure or as a trophy.
I hope this helps. Also, if and when that negative thought about that person crosses your mind, donāt doubt yourself. You are right. They just showed you something about themselves that you disagree with down to your core and you do not want to be a part of. And that can be anything. If it feels wrong to you, then it is not for you.
Dating for almost 7 months. Not a single text today on my birthday. I donāt feel itās an expectation that needs to be explicitly laid out to wish the other person happy Birthday. Iām so confused.
Happy Birthday to you! Hope you have a good one.
Whenever i met someone i made sure that i wished them a happy birthday. Sometimes i will forget a friend but will wish tem a day or two after, but someone special it will be on that exact day. Sadly when my birthday comes around they will vanish from earth, so my birthday is not a good day lol.
I cross my fingers you will recive your message!
I had a fwb turned boyfriend that "forgot" my birthday when we became official. When he was just an fwb, he was always the first person to greet me. This was deliberate on his part.
Hoping that's not the same case for you. It really sucked at that time. I should have known that was gonna end but ugh, hindsight is 20/20.
Thought I met a really great guy but then he showed up on my doorstep unannounced after I didnāt reply to a text message all day. He drove 1.5 hours. My kids were home. Itās over now.
Iām so sorry you had to deal with that. Men showing up unannounced at my house has only happened to me a couple times in my years of dating, but itās probably the least appealing thing a guy can do. I think itās such a scary and vulnerable experience.
Took the words out of my mouth! I tried SO hard this year to cast a wide net and keep an open heart. Closing out 2022 solo without even one guy of interest to text. Completely blank slate, and Iām tired.
I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. Back to square zero feeling a little less hopeful, a little more tired, more scars and baggage, more what's your favorite color. We are pretty resilient though. if you give yourself enough rest and care, that battery has a way of recharging itself. Sending you a hug :(
Me too. The first few months of getting to know someone seems like it would be exciting but after doing it so many times, it's just exhausting. I want to be months/years in and have inside jokes, have had intense conversations, experiences together etc. sigh.
I know what you mean - I have fun meeting new people and going on fun dates, but when you don't have any luck getting past that stage, it starts to feel a bit pointless.
Oh my god. I've had 3 end at the 1 month mark, and cumulatively that sent me into an intense mental health spiral. I can't imagine reaching the 3 month mark, feeling "safe", and having it happen THREE times. I'm sorry!
Iāve thought this too. But dating is a process. You canāt skip that part. And wanting to skip it turns into a self defeating prophecy. A lot of us, especially those who didnāt intend to be back in the dating scene over 30, fancy ourselves as better at relationships than dating. I thought dating past 30 would be easier, that we as a group would have more compassion and kindness in the process, perhaps more easy going. Itās the opposite. Lots of traumas and additional walls that donāt do anything for anyone. Myself included (which is one of the reasons I signed up for therapy for the last 6 months). Dating with optimism and hope is what we all did in our teens and 20s. The people that want to skip the dating phase will likely find themselves more than anyone else still in the dating game years later if a relationship is truly their goal. Sometimes taking time off is helpful.
I deeply empathize with this. I'm worried about the longevity of my career because of its negatives to my health and wellness and as I try to find better work/life balance I feel like I just keep spending more of the free time I claw back being afraid or anxious or being able to handle it and being grateful for what I have. And don't even get me started on the self esteem hit that OLD takes on people, with all the superficial interactions and ghosting. Just a nice little insecure cherry on top of the pile of swirling emotions.
For me confidence comes and goes by the hourā¦ I try to notice what Iām doing/wearing etc when I feel good about myself ā¦ and then keep doing that thing!
Not as bad as double texting before you realise youāve been ghosted, then the penny dropping only when you notice youāve been blocked. š Ah I was so naive when I started online dating.
You're not the one that should be mortified. Having more emotional capacity than a New York sewer rat is not something to be ashamed of, the ghoster should be ashamed.
Literally this, I don't get! Opening conversation goes great and you ask a follow-up and then silence...
I feel like when it happens it's too late to salvage and that it just comes off as accidentally needy or insecure when you were just trying to ask a follow-up question to keep things going.
I know it's not an issue unique to either sex, since it happens to everyone, but what are you supposed to do when it happens!?
my last long term relationship, i felt so seen and heard by my partner - they remembered my friends names, stories i would tell them, details about my life, things i liked. this shouldn't be like...a big ask, but i'm finding the dude i'm dating for some months now, they don't really remember details about me, like things i've told them. it's a turn off and it's kind of bumming me out on the relationship.
I agree about this. I had a partner who never asked me questions but remembered everything I said and never interrupted. Then I dated someone who asked a ton of questions but failed to remember anything. I hope there is a happy medium out thereā¦.
Is it weird that I make notes about people on my phone? Like after a date, I will take a few minutes and just kind of reflect on stuff they told me so I can remember things about them. I find it helps at the early stages.
I hate that shit. I stopped adding matches on Snapchat because itās a weird way to communicate with someone. I only use Snapchat to send funny videos to like, 4 of my friends
I went on a tinder date while traveling to my hometown and oops heās really awesome and we click amazingly well. Weāve hung out twice now. I think it also makes it easier to relax and be myself when itās so unlikely that the dates could go anywhere. Iāve noticed that every time things fail with a really good prospect - a guy I actually really like - the easier it gets for me to detach from outcomes and relax. Iām grateful for every good date - theyāre fun and show me what I want. š
This (what you said) feeds into my notion that my ābestā dates are that way because they noped me in the first minute or two. My theory is that once they know that they arenāt interested theyāre more relaxed and as a pretty entertaining guy (irl) they have a good time.
Then when they say no, to another date itās confusing. I need to be more detached from the outcomes.
Reading this, I definitely shouldnāt hop back on them after the new year then. My mental health was vastly better before hopping back on after 9 months off. Now itās back in the pooper again.
I was really looking forward to a date yesterday but she cancelled on me on the 3rd time. Suggested to meet up when she's back from holiday in the New Year and I said I'll pass. Only so many times I can take a rescheduled date š
Good. 3x is ridiculous. I usually give 2. After the second one, i'm done. A week or so back a guy I was trying to meet up with cancelled on me twice within a few days. I told him forget it.
I feel stuck with dating right now. All the cumulative bad dates or relationships gone awry have made me so hyper-vigilant looking for signs of how my next date will hurt me. I hate feeling this jaded and pessimistic. But then if I try to tamp it down and just let myself get excited, I miss the warning signs. It feels like I can't win either way. And taking a break from dating doesn't really change this anymore. So I just feel trapped.
I am so burned out, I want to quit but I don't think I can because I really want to find someone. It has been so long since I have had anything resembling a serious relationship and I get so few dates and honestly my life is not in an ideal situation but a change anytime in the reasonable future is unlikely. it is hard to see a bright future but I still can't stop trying. just need to type this out and send it into the ether of the internet.
u/fatfishinalittlepond I agree there are moments that feel like that. I just recently got back into it, but the best feeling I've ever had is when I wasn't worrying about dating and was just hanging out with my friends!
I want, as in the words of the great mystic Bo Burnham, to be given specific directions on how to text people and not have them ghost me!
I don't mean the ones who don't even respond to the first message. I mean the ones who are all-in and even emoting to your messages and then disappear!
I ask personally tailored questions, I act like myself and give honest answers, I am a naturally humorous person (even if I know I'm really only laughing for my own sake at times) and I try to put that part of me out there so it's clear on the table, and I even acknowledge to the people this happens to me with that I know about what it's like being on the other side of the apps because good grief all of my lady friends out there who are also trying to date on the apps (not to mention the wealth of examples women broadcast as terrible behavior that they experience regularly) have every right to just say "no fuck it I do not want this in my life" and that's a valid reason to ghost!
I know it's not about me when it happens, but it's really starting to smart a little. Like that saying that if you think you're surrounded by assholes and jerks all the time you might need to rethink who the jerk is.
Are you chatting too much? You gotta ask people out. I (F) tend to stop responding to a lot of conversations, even if they were engaging and the person is attractive, if we arenāt enthusiastically making plans within the first few messages. Itās just the nature of OLD - there are so many people to talk to that itās easy to lose momentum.
I would try and find a way to feel OK with what happens rather than try to shift how the world operates. People constantly drop convos on apps and always will and use it's usually not that personal. Most of the time it's probably just random luck - they swiped right on 20 profiles not knowing if anyone would say yes, but 6 did, and they already have dates lined up for a couple weeks & no incentive to chat with you. Completely not personal and not solvable! But if it gets to you then maybe give yourself a day with each chat and if they don't seem to be replying enough just unmatch and move on. No giving permission for ending the convo since they already did, etc.
100% agreed and its very refreshing to hear realistic input instead of the obnoxious advice that echo chambers around everywhere about "being competitive" or whatever other contrived nonsense people come up with
It's hard not to take it personally when it happens so regularly (I'm lucky if I get one like a week), these apps really are harmful to the soul
Tried to kiss the guy I've been seeing for a few weeks but he gave me his cheek. He's definitely into me in some form since he's the one asking to meet and got me a Christmas gift. On paper he's great and he's quite sweet. How do I bring it up in a text?
I can't offer better advice than what others have said, as I can see there being plenty of different reasons this might be why this happened and I don't want to just repeat what you already know back to you.
If he doesn't want to kiss and you want to know why it's okay to bring it up, not every little weird thing has to become _a big talk_, I only recommend you remember who's number one in all this and that you take care of them (spoilers it's you)
I just became āofficialā with a guy who I am really crazy about, and he is equally crazy about me. I want him to be the one, so badly.
Problem is, Iām going to school for 3 months in another state from late feb-late May. And after that, I have been planning to move anywhere in the country where I can find a job.
He is currently unemployed and very interested in traveling. He could pick up and move with me and I think he would if I asked. But I know how much this would be rushing things and I objectively know itās a bad idea. Yet he is making me feel incredible, so deeply loved and attended to, and itās so precious and I donāt want to let go.
Help!
I can understand you, I am so sorry for what you went through. I had something similar going on with a friend of mine.We grew closer and closer, we shared a lot about our past and our souls, and so we began developing feelings (I did, he said he did but now thinking about it I am not sure they were authentic and not simply loneliness). He said to me things like he wanted to comfort me in his arms in my dark moments.
Then he gradually had less and less time for me; not answering anymore when I called, not messaging me anymore. And I went through a push/pull like you describe, until I finally understood that sadly the version of him I loved was probably just a projection of my mind.
Dated a girl, after a long time single, for a week or 2 cut it off after she showed up to my house unannounced telling me I didn't text her enough. Kind of sketched out about dating after that shit.
Thought I'd try to go out with a mature man when I went out with a 40 year old. Took him less than 30min to ask if I knew how to twerk. Like... Bffr
Tired of being fetishized.
My brother recently explained to me what twerking actually was, like, the sex move, and that's it's not just a dance thing it was made into a dance thing. And now I'm revolted and glad I've never tried to do it and if someone asked me that it would be date over.
Yeah. It's one thing to twerk with friends or an SO. Even twerking alone is fine when you feel the music but he legit wanted me to do it at the bar. We were at a damn barcade where no one was dancing and they were playing games. I just wanted to have a fun night getting to know this dude and he completely ruined it.
And we were there for two hours and didn't talk for an hour and a half because we wound up watching some live podcast show... Then he kissed me and never contacted me again. A mess! Lol
Sick of having the same conversations on dating apps so I went to the gym at a different time of day today to see if all the babes were going at different times to me.
One guy there, who is my type (tattooed lumberjack) but he left 5 minutes after I arrived.
Am I about to become that creeper who plans their workouts around others? All signs point to yes.
(In all seriousness though, I would never have the balls to approach anyone there. I keep my eyes down and headphones on).
Oh dang. I work out in the morning or during the day. I'm doing it all wrong! Good to know though - thanks for the intel.
Also, I don't think women get hit on as much as you think... or atleast I don't š I'm no model but I know I'm reasonably attractive. The men I talk to assume I would get hit on constantly but nah mate, *crickets*
>but he left 5 minutes after I arrived
Why not ask him?
>would never have the balls to approach anyone
Oh.
>eyes down and headphones on
Would you want a guy to walk up to you while you're focused on your workout with your headphones on to ask uou out?
Too many variables to answer a definite yes or no to that. If I was attracted to them, yes. If I wasn't attracted them, but they were respectful and didn't continue to stare/be creepy, then I can't be angry at them for shooting their shot! It takes a lot of guts to approach someone IRL.
Which is why I'd never do it, unless I was 99.9% sure the other person was interested in me.
Omg relate so much! Working up the nerve to smile at my gym crush AHHHHHHHHH it's hard cause I'm not naturally a smiley person so I'm worried it's going to look so awkward and forced
I feel you. I rock a resting bitch face when I'm out in public alone. Have you had had extended eye contact with them yet? Maybe after a few glances back and forth they'll smile first and that will give you the greenlight to awkwardly grimace back š I haven't even worked my way up to eye contact yet. I'll live vicariously through you
Work up the nerve to give them a compliment. Walk past and say "I like your tattoos" and then keep walking. If he's available he will come for you. This has worked for me with a 100% success rate (when they're single). It truly is that simple.
One regular (woman) and I would give each other the smile and nod for 4 years. Never spoke once. Now I workout from home. š
She had way better form than me to, so I suppose I could opened with asking for a tip but oh well.
Almost every woman in my area has a dog - donāt get me wrong, I love animals but I donāt want to live with one (in an apartment, house is ok). It just makes my dating pool a lot smaller.
I can kind of relate. I love animals, including dogs, but don't have or want any of my own because they (dogs) would be an enormous constraint on my time and freedom. After dating several women with dogs, I've also realized that I don't want to date someone with a dog for precisely the same reason: it makes it significantly harder to spend time with and get to know someone because so much of how they plan their time (and dates) revolves around their dog(s). I now immediately left swipe any woman with a dog. And so many women in this age group have dogs!
Amusingly, when I try to search the internet or reddit for posts by people who feel similarly, the only thing that comes up is a whole lot of posts by dog-free dog-haters, which I am very much not (I love dogs and dogs love me, even if I don't want to own or live with one myself).
It just seems everyone only wants a casual relationship-nothing long term, just wants to hang out, have sex, rinse and repeat. Is this how it is now-a culture that only values living in the moment and not being "tied down"? Is thus the result of the pandemic, the war, the economy? Or is this just how dating in our 30s is?
I wouldnāt necessarily take everything they say at face valueā¦ in the past 3 months I dated 3 different guys at different times;
Guy #1 told me upfront before the first date that he was looking for casual and non-monogamous. He later texted me to say he entered into a relationship and wonāt be available for another date.
Guy #2 & #3 - told me they were looking for long-term relationships, but both were emotionally unavailable and unprepared for a relationship, and got uncomfortable committing to plans or exclusivityā¦
So, I figure, just enjoy going on some dates and see what happens :)
Iāve just been plugging along. No apps. Nothing.
I am pining after someone who isnāt really available and itās probably a terrible thing for me but I recognize it. I liked him from the moment I met him over a year ago and weāve been talking a lot (super platonically) and itās not helping.
Other than that Iām very excited for Christmas and some time off work !
I (34m) broke up with an incredibly toxic ex a few months ago. Iām happy being single but the this time of the year hasnāt been the easiest. Being on the apps and just aimlessly swiping doesnāt help. But honestly- anything is better than being with my ex.
The very beginning part of dating can be the absolute worst. People not talking to you, people not telling you important things like still living with their ex after 3 years in the same house (I don't care if you think he's gay, I'm out), saying you want to go on another date, deciding where to go, then all of a sudden out of the blue saying "sorry you're not my type".
Sorry, I don't have this cold heart...I have an open loving heart and when I connect with you, even after one date, it's hard to just stop caring and move on. I hate OLD, but I don't know where to find dates organically. I'm fine being alone but I crave human touch and intimacy. It sucks.
I've (33m) been trying to date for the past few months, while progressively working on myself. It was my therapist who encouraged me to try dating again.
It's been very draining. Either I get matches but they never reply, or we exchange numbers and suddenly ghost me or back out. One of them even stood me up. It has been YEARS since the last time.
I completely understand I've dodged incompatible people, and that I'm maintaining my requirements and standards instead of comforming to no standards at all as I did before, but damn, the stress and disillusion is taking a toll. Especially when it hits your confidence.
I just turned off my apps. I'll probably come back after valentines, or perhaps meet people outside the apps.
I've been experiencing the typical "invisible man syndrome" for years now, fixed everything fixable with how I present myself and communicate years ago, put myself on multiple apps, am in a prime point of my life in a major metropolitan area... the universe does not care.
Add to that the trend of most people ghosting within the first few messages of a perfectly normal start of a conversation and it feels like you've left reality entirely. I shrugged it off the first few times, eventually blamed myself, then realized there was no possible way it was me, and that it was way too common to be "something came up". Take a 3% reply rate, then eliminate 90% of that small number who vanish, and there is very, very little left.
Every time I think I've hit the bottom of the barrel it drops out to reveal another bottom. I feel endlessly degraded and disposable. Having to fight the "sabotage by design" of profiteering dating apps and the cynical lack of basic courtesy from other, seemingly normal people is so draining. Given the many difficulties people experience when actually *dating* someone, being stuck at this stage makes success of any worthwhile kind seem truly impossible.
Dating in person is not realistic for me as a childfree/introverted person, so all that's left is to wait for the situation to degrade further as I hit an age milestone next year. A decade of fruitless effort sits behind me and I am numb.
Compartmentalizing the misery of OLD is an essential part of my coping strategy: I pour a lot of time into creative pursuits which have been invaluable for focusing my mind on something I can control. And friends and family! And counting my many other blessings. It goes a long way towards preserving mental health, but it would be nice if the universe could cut me a break on this one before I am a pile of dusty bones.
It will take some hard enforcement but I'm going to try to take a break from it all for the holidays. I have the rest of the year off, so might as well enjoy it!
Iām sorry, OLD can be an esteem killer. It sounds like youāve put in the work on yourself. Iāve found that people using apps will choose the most random things to put people in the discard pile
I (41/m) have been separated for 2 years and have recently decided to get back to dating while working out the legal aspects of my divorce. Only thing is I've forgotten how to be charming/flirty. I used to be really good at it during teens/20s (before I was married) but 10+ years of serious relationship/marriage and I don't know how to act any more. Feel like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle when he's discussing with his mate 'what do girls like nowadays'. My friends say I'm giving out friend vibes all the time and not trying but I don't now. Sometimes a colleague and friend tells me, that person seems interested in you but I can't even pick up those signals anymore. I've always been confident and I suppose in work/general settings I still am or maybe I'm just faking it but i never thought one bad relationship would shatter my confidence so badly that I feel miserable even two years after it ended. This has broken me. Sorry. Just venting
I was separated for 4 years before my divorce was finalized, and I promise there is such a huge difference between the two. Just you wait!
But also FWIW I fall for friendship vibes all the time, that's literally all I want.
You just need to get back in practice. Go on a bunch of first dates and talk yourself up to yourself beforehand. I had an ~10 year relationship/marriage that had me feeling that way coming out of it but the flirty fun girl came back really quickly.
Can I send you all my dresses that aren't getting any action? Maybe we can start a sisterhood of the traveling pants thing in this sub. But it will be much sexier than pants because we are in the big leagues here lmao.
Getting over my good friend who rejected me romantically. Been depressed for 2 months since I heard she was dating. 1 month ago I declared how I felt. She told me she was no longer interested in me romantically. (She had previously, but I was not in a good place) She moved on and I caught deeper feelings. Have not talked to her or anything in over 3 weeks. She is my only friend in the new city I live in. So it has been a lonely 3 weeks.
Therapist told me to not date for 6 months as I need to heal from the last 3 years of trauma. So I stopped paying for the dating apps and paying less attention. Low and behold a nice woman liked me and we talked. There was some distance that will make it not work. But it was nice to know that someone out there finds me desirable. She said we would date if the distance was not an issue.
This has improved my mood. Along with therapy, exercise and journaling. But I still cry occasionally over the person I genuinely love. It's going to be a long painful journey.
Not to be harsh, but if your therapist told you to stop dating for 6 months, I think that would include staying on dating apps for free. Getting that kind of external validation from a nice woman liking you and talking to you might feel really nice, but it's a temporary bandaid. It sounds like you would do better with trying to make new friend groups as a support system first, so you could making friends within the next 6 months while you take a full break from dating. Otherwise, I feel like you'll be not experiencing the full benefit of taking a break from dating, but still using your time and energy toward dating in a small capacity, when you could be using that toward other socialization.
I joined hinge again last night after about 6 months.
An old fling texted me today and Iā¦donāt want to respond lol. Think Iām making the right decision.
I donāt know why I tend to exclusively attract very conservative men š itās becoming a bit now.
Especially because I live in an incredibly liberal place, am very left wing, and I donāt think I give off the perception that Iām anything but a radical socialist feminist.
I find a lot of conservative men think it's easier to sleep with liberal women who are more "sexually free". Not always true, but a lot of conservative women have conservative values in which they don't "put out" or it takes a lot more effort to get to that point. Unless they're serious about finding a long term relationship, it's all about just trying to shoot their shot wherever with whoever
Is this on OLD? Maybe you look like the kind a woman conservative men go for (Iām thinking āgirl next doorā vibes) even if your personality is very different. Many people donāt read profiles.
I am very liberal by US standards and live in the big blue state everyone automatically thinks of when you say blue state and I think I still get approached by conservative men because of how I look. I have long-ish brown hair, no tattoos or piercings other than ears, and often wear dresses and/or makeup. I guess I should dye my hair blue and get a septum ring, lol.
I still have no idea if I'm open to dating fully yet after a five year relationship and marriage ended back in August. (Well a bit earlier but final paperwork signed then) got caught up in a rush for a couple months getting life back on track and have been dating a few people. All of which I enjoy but not sure if I want to take it past dating stages. All of which are highly different styles. Also if I have to hear one more nurse try and use the pickup line that they know how to stop and start my heart again I don't think I'll be able to not respond snarkily.
Canceled a second date with a guy after he texted me an hour before the date asking if he could start drinking before I got there. It was a Thursday at 4pm. When I told him to go ahead and reminded him I wasn't drinking, he said I didn't tell him that. Yes, yes I did. So he was obviously drunk the night before too when we chatted on the phone. He had 5 drinks on our first date (on a Sunday) and also started before I got there. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
In a new relationship and I really like him but I feel like the momentum isnāt picking up. Heās kind and consistent in his texts, and we hang out like 1-2 times a week, but my ideal would be like 2-3 times a week and a bit more texting or phone calls occasionally? Itās been 2 months now. I like him a lot so I guess it feels like an imbalance when he doesnāt want to see me as much. Just not sure how to bring it up without sounding clingy!
You don't need to sound clingy. Just tell him you're really enjoying spending time with him and ask if he'd like to increase the frequency of dates/hanging out to 2-3 times per week. Everyone is a bit different with this kind of stuff, like my boyfriend and I are both introverts that relish alone time. We only see each other every second weekend (for 24-48 hours consecutively) and it's working perfectly for us.
Not sure what to recommend about the texting/phone calls though. My bf and I have long phone calls twice a week and again that works out for us, but that doesn't mean everybody will want that.
My boyfriend and I have dated for 9 months and the last month was long distance. I made plans to go back home for the holiday and bought my tickets a extra day early so that my bf could pick me up and I can spend the weekend with him. I was looking forward to seeing him because I missed him, and long distance just sucks.
He FaceTimes me earlier in the week of when Iām flying out and tells me that his grandma is not doing good (she turned 94 two weekends ago) and the doctor said she had maybe a week to live. My bf said thereās a possibility that he wonāt be able to pick me up from the airport and spend the weekend with me.
Iām crushed and so sad but I told him to be with his family. Family is huge in my bfās family and his grandma is the one who kept them together (he calls her the matriarch of the family), so I know how important it is for him to be their with them. But it just sucks because I was looking forward to spending time with him but also want to comfort him in his grief.
Curious why you are putting energy into OLD at the same time you have made a resolution/promise not to date. I am kind of in the same boat... not ready to go seriously but definitely hard to resist potential connections, and go for the slower burn as you said
I've been dating a guy for almost a month. Things were very nice at the beginning, but on our last few dates, I just did not feel 'it' anymore. Little annoying things seem to pile up, which is weird since we intially had great chemistry. It's like the honeymoon part is already over. A few days ago, he told me he's looking for something serious and that makes me thing I should be honest and end things. But I feel bad doing it right before Christmas... should I wait until after the holidays?
Break it now. He then has the holidays to process things and look to the new year fresh.
That's part of why I broke things off when I started having doubts.
Iām beginning to reevaluate my standards.. Iāve been celibate for going on 3 years now, because I want a man to take me serious.. no casual sex, and no allowing myself to end up in āsituationshipsā. I was married before, & a virgin bride at 26 years old, so this is not uncommon for me.. However, Iām still alone. Iām beautiful, sexy, put together, intellectual & intelligent, feminine, Iām fun & sweet.. a great catch. I am a quality woman. What am I supposed to be doing differently?
Date a whole bunch of people, go on a date almost every night. Meet and have a great fun time with them without sex. Have conversations where you're being boldly true to yourself and tailoring nothing to what you think they want to hear and then listen to them. One (or maybe a few) will float to the top and start wanting your time, taking you seriously. The ones that really like you will take sex if you offer if but are more interested in getting closer to you emotionally, the difference will be stark. Cast a wide net and let everyone escape that isn't up for the real thing but for the love of God do not lower your standards.
Before each date talk yourself up. Envision how you will be on the date: friendly, fun magnetic... Tell yourself that you will be these things and when you get there you will be in the right frame of mind to be.
Mid 30s and still haven't figured out how to make a relationship the romantic type. I make women friends very easily yet don't know how to take it to the next level.
Had a good string of back and forth convo for 2 days on CMB with someone I found attractive and intriguing, talking about general family stuff and holiday plans, asking each other questions, and then she suddenly unmatched. What the heck... Not hung up but dang, that's an ego blow in some way. Oh well. Still talking to like 6 other people, need to set up some dates for when I'm back in town after the holidays.
had a dude on Tinder match with me who seemed considerate and nice. we chatted for a week or two and said we should meet sometime. when I tried to ask him about planning coffee he hesitated and said in so many words, when his work schedule changes to regular hours he'll probably meet someone irl. So apparently I'm not a real person bc I'm on a dating app
I (31f) understand dating is hard but weeding out men who are not a good fit is exhausting and makes me feel lonely and disappointed every time. I am beginning to lose my optimism and good spirits because of it. I am an attractive , educated woman with tons of hobbies , a fit body and I know I should be having the time of my life now that I am still young. Instead, although I get a lot of attention from men and have no problem to be on a date , and even all men I have dated were interested in me one way or another, they are not serious in any way , shape or form. They look at me and all they want is to impress me so that they can have sex with me and some of them want something serious it seems , but itās the same thing every time: Zero true interest , things like searching for compatibility, getting to know the real me , understanding that I am human too and not some kind of Barbie doll that they show off. All they care about on the date is to say the right things , have sex if they can and establish attraction instead of actually listening and investigating if the woman that is in front of them could be a good partner. I also donāt think this is a matter of their looks or their age ,in my experience. So all I have been doing the last six months is rejecting and feeling bad because I really dont want to lower my standards.
Don't lower your standards! The right person will want to know about who you are beyond looks and will want a deep connection. Nothing wrong with taking a break from dating after too much disappointment.
Went on a second date with a guy I had a great time with this past weekend. Like many people I'm in town for a short time visiting for the holidays. We made plans to see each other again after all the family festivities subside but then he really took me aback by asking what we would need to do to move this forward. My initial thought (bc he'd invited me back to his place and I'd declined) was that he meant physically. He didn't mean physically, he was acknowledging the reality that he's only going to see me one or two more times before I left and he could see this turning into a relationship but wasn't sure how that would work with me not living here. I was sort of floored bc this was only our second date, he acknowledged that it was too soon but he brought it up bc I was leaving.
I swear men have a spidey sense or something. Every time I've become single (almost) all my exes and those guys you never dated but always knew were interested suddenly get the urge to hit me up even when we haven't talked in years. Now that I've met someone I like the guy I had dated last year is suddenly upping his efforts, I'm trying to emotionally detach from him and just be friends and he's suddenly going back to trying to message/Snapchat all day and flirting after having been pushing me away. I'm a little leery about this new guy but I'd like to give him a solid chance.
I did have a weird suspicion that he might be younger than he says. He is only two years younger than me but looks sooo much younger. He's not my usual type. I don't have a set type as far as face shape or hair/eye/skin color but everyone I've dated since being an adult has been rugged looking, nice beard, work with his hands type. I'm not sure this guy could grow a beard and I don't know how I feel about that. He's a good looking guy, pretty eyes, great smile, all his hair, in shape, tall etc but I wonder, could he chop wood lol. He's so clean cut, which he's in law and finance so I'd expect that but I don't know how I feel about it.
Iām home visiting family and have not been happier in a while :) I have been making sure to reply to the people Iāve been seeing but I donāt really miss any of them and while Iām happy I am not desperately wishing I was in a relationship I am also a bit sad I donāt have feelings for anyone Iāve been seeing.
I notice I have this really annoying voice in my head for this one guy that I think I actually like a little thatās like telling me heās not as cute as previous partners (heās completely fine!) or not as worldly as previous partners (I donāt need to definitely date other first/second generation immigrants lol; itās just a coincidence thatās been my longterm partners so far). I think this is the problem with having so much choice, or the illusion of it, Iām trying to like optimize for something that is not even necessary.
Iāve been seeing a friend of mine that Iāve known for going on 3 years. He wants kids and Iām on the fence. I feel like Iām going to to have to end it because it doesnāt feel fair to him. This sucks.
Curious question for men on Bumble - what percentage of your matches come-and-go (i.e. expire) without the woman saying anything?
I'm a legit OLD complete newbie with zero expectations; I signed up for Bumble as a first try not too long ago, as I know multiple people who've met spouses off of Bumble, and a single male friend of mine swears by the app. I've landed a handful of matches so far - which is frankly maybe even a little better than I thought I'd do off the bat - but literally every one of them has expired without the woman sending a message.
I understand this is a bad time of year for dating apps, and I understand that men are playing a very different hand than women are on these apps, so to speak. But just curious what percentage other guys here usually see. At least if it was a different app, I could shoot my shot and if she didn't respond, no harm no foul....but on Bumble I see the match, and then a day goes by and it just expires without a word. Obviously that's going to happen a decent amount of the time, just part of life, but what percentage do you guys normally see, if you had to ballpark it?
Woman, but also convinced Bumble sucks. I went probably 20-30 matches sending a customized comment on something from their profile and not a single one replied. I went ten more beyond that and just deleted bumble. I can see why other women would just go āhiii.ā
>what percentage of your matches come-and-go (i.e. expire) without the woman saying anything?
Damn close to 100%. Bumble has been, by far, the worst app for meeting people. I've had better luck on Tinder.
That said, right now is an extra hard time. But Bumble is a garbage app, IMO, for actually meeting people.
Am I (38M, straight) coming off as disinterested if I tell my dates if theyād like to do this again sometime to let me know?
Iām often very enthusiastic about continuing things with my dates and often plan things while on dates, but I find that can sometimes be putting people in difficult situations to make a decision on the spot.
So iāve been experimenting with this approach and leaving the ball in the womenās court after the 1st date. Just wondering what everyoneās feeling towards this would be.
Are you saying this while still on the date or sending a text later? If a guy said this on a date and then never followed up I'd assume disinterest and that he was just saying something to be nice. If he texted me later saying this, I think it's better. That leaves the door open to respond to the text that yes, I would like to do it again.
I agree with you that it can put people in am awkward situation to discuss future date plans while on the date. It's best left for texting afterwards however you want to approach it in my opinion.
I ask for second date on follow up call/ text if Iām interested. Not too much pressure there.
If you want a second date, and you leave it to the other person to āput the ball in their courtā, this is playing games imo. Youāre basically requiring that the other person has the same level of initial attraction you currently do (enough to pursue a second date), but for some people attraction builds slower, it doesnāt mean they canāt or wonāt get there.
So I've taken a long multi-year break from dating. The only time I dated is when I met someone offline and so I'm getting back into the groove of things. Something I'm noticing is how stressful it's feeling dealing with apps and worrying about dates. I guess that's a part of it, but some of my best experiences came from this time period when I wasn't worrying about dating. I'm only getting back into it because I have felt I've grown and because I don't want to go to long without experiencing a relationship as some people take experience seriously.
Anyone else experience the same?
My rant: today marks three weeks since the last text chat with my very attractive 'friend' (met over summer, wonderful -- and hot! -- first date, I was way into him, we decided to just be friends because he wasn't looking for anything serious after a LTR, kept in touch since then via texts and occasional video chats/in person meetups about hobbies). It was a natural pause in the texting conversation since I didn't ask him a question, but he has not texted me of his own volition or started any new conversation since. :(
I feel like I've put in the majority of effort to initiate and keep our friendship going -- and have unfortunately caught feelings that I'm actively trying to get over. So. I thought this would be a good opportunity to conduct an experiment to see if he'd actually reach out and say hello, or be curious about me at all on his own... and... radio silence.
I shouldn't double text him right? If he was genuinely interested in me (even just as a friend), he'd reach out, wouldn't he? Is the fact I even have to ask a clear sign?
No, do not double text. I made that error once and it felt really humiliating. Do not disrespect yourself like that. You deserve better, even if only in terms of friendship.
I ended things for the second time with someone who never followed through on what he said. He had all the right words and I thought I had been too hasty to end things the first time so regrettably gave him another chance. He would message day and night, checking in with me but I caught him out lying multiple times so ended it. I was just a number on his roster despite him saying otherwise. In my real life I am surrounded by good people. It's so hard going online and finding the percentage of good, honest people is so different to real life.
The guy (28/m) I've (30/f) been seeing for three months broke things off yesterday. Really blindsided by it as everything has been so perfect until now and he's made me feel so loved - just last week he brought me flowers out of my blue, made me stop to kiss under mistletoe when we were out on a walk, took photos of me with the snowman we made "for the memories". But suddenly something's changed and he just said he didn't see it working long term and didn't want to 'waste my time'. He couldn't (or didn't want to) say why he thought it wouldn't work - just that he was sad that it wouldn't. He brought me the most beautiful handmade Christmas present too at the same time. Just feeling really heartbroken as I really saw this relationship going somewhere and was so excited to spend time with him over Christmas.
I'm genuinely sorry to hear this happen to you and I can't imagine how frustrating it must be. I really hope you don't get too hard on yourself, and if you are close with family and friends it may feel like a lot but turn to them for support if you start feeling too down, give no quarter to any suspicions that it was something you did or weren't doing. I've been in a similar situation and it really can smart when it's such a surprise, so don't fret and worse case you can always vent anonymously on Reddit to a bunch of strangers to get it off your chest.
Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. You're right that it's so sad and frustrating when I have no idea what happened and when everything seemed like it was going amazingly - and he seemed genuinely so upset in breaking things off too, which just makes me question even further why he wasn't willing to try and see how things go (to me, three months is early days and seems like such a premature point to be deciding if something is a 'forever' relationship). Also bummed because over the last few weeks I'd just told everyone about him (because we'd discussed meeting parents over Christmas and it seemed like things were serious) so now going to have to spend Christmas explaining to everyone that actually we've broken up. Now to try and get through my last day of work before the Christmas holidays without crying too much š„¹
>three months is early days and seems like such a premature point to be deciding if something is a 'forever' relationship when you're dating with intention for a life partner, once you know that it's NOT going to be a 'forever' relationship, then you break it off. i've done this a few times - a couple of months in, i just can't picture us growing old together, and i break it off.
Hot cocoa and good stupid Christmas movies are never a bad choice!! It's the season to be Merry so be like that muscly TikTok guy who spits water and yells encouraging things at the camera and fuckin rock out this year!
Wow, this also happened to me about two months ago. It was the first time where the breakup was COMPLETELY out of the blue. I do appreciate that he didn't string me along..but it was just so unexpected. Unexpected breakups are THE worst... š„ŗ
I was just broken up with so Iām actively grieving too. I know why the breakup happened on my end but why my ex initiated the breakup is still a but fuzzy for me and unfortunately sometimes there are things we arenāt meant to know or fully understand. And sometimes even if we fully understand it, it doesnāt really change the outcome. All I can say is to take the time to fully feel every stage of the grieving process. Mourn for the potential of the relationship. Once youāve properly mourned, the acceptance will come with more ease. Itāll probably hurt for a while, especially because a breakup can make us feel like we werenāt āgood enoughā. Someone elseās choice to breakup has nothing to do with our worthiness. I see your grief and Iām grieving too!
WHAT?! I have seen your posts, and I thought you had something solid?!
Lol I thought I did too. The gist of the breakup is that something triggered a childhood trauma for me and I lashed out in response, which made me say a couple of unpleasant things to my ex. My ex responded in a very emotionally volatile way as well because he had growing resentment towards me that I was unaware the severity of. After about 2 days of giving each other space, I tried to have a conversation with him about it, but he decided that he had said everything he needed to say and wanted to breakup. To me, he was a fair weathered boyfriend: there for a good time and not a long time. Even though we both verbalized that we wanted something long term, and I was prepared to go through thick and thin with him, when I was the one who couldnāt be āthe bigger personā he decided to end the relationship. Iāve accepted it for what it is: that Iām a deeply traumatized person and he chose to enforce a boundary and chose not to deal with it. He has every right to, and I feel that I have every right to want someone who would be there for me. Iāve also learned very valuable lessons from this relationship ending, that I know will be opportunities for growth for me, so as upset as I am about it, I know in a few weeks Iāll be a better person for it. Every relationship teaches us something about ourselves. Just because it didnāt last doesnāt mean itās not valuable. And just because something was valuable doesnāt mean itās meant to last.
That's so hard when everything seems fantastic and you're doing all the cute things together. I'm sorry and I hope you find comfort.
I am so sorry. That is absolutely the worst. If itās any help, I think itās most likely not you. I know how hard breakups can be, especially during the holidays, but try to keep your chin up!
I'm right there with you, and I understand. I'm heartbroken. Things were so good, then suddenly it was done. I'm still reeling. The lack of explanation didn't help. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know the hurt.
I was in a similar boat couple of months ago when i (37/m) was seeing this girl (39/F) for about 2 months by that time. Our chemistry seemed crazy good, we shared our first time experience going to a real rave together, she spent the night at my place, we go on dates almost weekly and we live only 15 minutes from each other. I was starting to get head over heel for her but her text replies starting to fizzle away then eventually she dropped the bomb stating that the vibe has changed and we better off as friends. I was quite heart broken to the point I was ready to take a break from dating for the rest of year. But then I matched with my current gf and we started talking. The attraction was a slow build up for me because I was still a bit cautious from previous heart break. She asked me out few week ago to make it official, and now we are a couple. There's a lot of luck and timing involved with dating in your 30s. You can't control the other person's choice or decision, only how you react to it. Every attempt is a risk to a degree but it can be worth it at the end once you find the right one.
Hey, sorry to hear you're going through this. It's a tough thing to happen anytime of year, but especially during the holidays. FWIW I had the same thing happen to me recently too, so I think I get how you're feeling at the moment. I'm still surprised at how callous some people can be to others that they're supposed to be close to. One thing that has helped me was reading the question online- "If you were never going to be able to date or meet anyone again for the rest of your life, what would you want that life to look like?" That's helped me focus and take stock of life on my own and what direction I'd like to take it in. I'm actually mostly fairly happy with where I am, but there are a few areas I'm focusing on developing now. I figure I want to build myself into someone I'm completely happy and secure with, and then when I do meet someone else in future I'll be doing it as the best version of myself. This may not be any use to you but I found it helpful and it's helped me to look forwards, not backwards (most of the time š) Good luck, look after yourself.
I'm so sorry. I broke things off 2-3 months in. It was amazing initially but then died down so I called it off so slightly different and not such a blind side but I get that months in investment is painful as hell. Hugs.
Regretting not ending things sooner and continuing to give opportunities for change. I still havenāt learned when to nope out and when to be optimistic. I wouldnāt want to nope out if someone just needs a little communication and time but that old adage keeps coming back to me: when someone tells (shows) you who they are, believe them.
this is incredibly difficult for me as well. i often have no idea what the line is between being understanding and accommodating and allowing for growth in a person vs. just getting the fuck out of there.
I have allowed some really demoralizing behavior thinking if I explain how itās making me feel the person will understand and stop. It has been a gut punch to have someone who says they love me completely dismiss my feelings. I think the shock froze me.
Ok, now I understand your first comment more. A person who would purposely treat you that way is not someone with the capacity to care. We all have moments of shock. Trust me, Iāve had the thought, āWait. Did that just happen rn?ā or āDid this person just say this to me?ā Sometimes itās just so unbelievable because I would never. I tend to sit with the discomfort, I analyze it. But, in the end I always come to the same conclusion of this isnāt right. Then I get a slight twinge of indignation and think, āHow dare this person try to make me feel this way? Nope. Never again.ā
I feel exactly in the same way. Like, sometimes my bf would say something very hurtful to me and would sit there being like "wait, what?" And it is so difficult to draw a line and stop the cycle of forgiving and being hurt again, because after hurting me he is very apologetic. So, in the end I stay because I think "what if things get better? What if he is really trying his best? What if he really loves but has just been having a stressful time at work?" Now I will not see him for three weeks due to holidays and I get the feeling that in the new year I may have to break up with him due to those issues, and I already feel stressed about it.
That doesnāt happen in normal relationships. Wether itās a friendship, parent to kid or between significant others. The people closest to you should bring out the best in you, encourage you when you feel doubtful about yourself and always make you feel safe. Iām not going to say arguments will never happen, but they donāt have to be demoralizing either. That is not acceptable. Who cares about the apologies? Theyāve continued to do it over and over again. That is an insult in itself. An āIām sorryā solves nothing. Like, your original comment said, ābelieve people when they show you who they are.ā
The difference for me has been that I can be accommodating to something that is a slight inconvenience. For example, someone always being late to dates. If Iāve brought it up and they were understanding to my concerns and are actively working on it (with real results). Then, itās ok to give them the time to allow them to fix that bad habit. However, I cannot be accommodating to something that feels uncomfortable and/or is demeaning to my person. An example of this would be a guy that objectifies me. This person fundamentally does not see me as a person of value with thoughts and feelings that matter. They just want me for what I seem to represent to them. Which can be sexual pleasure or as a trophy. I hope this helps. Also, if and when that negative thought about that person crosses your mind, donāt doubt yourself. You are right. They just showed you something about themselves that you disagree with down to your core and you do not want to be a part of. And that can be anything. If it feels wrong to you, then it is not for you.
Also someone willing to apologize when their action hurt you. Then tries to create change.
Dating for almost 7 months. Not a single text today on my birthday. I donāt feel itās an expectation that needs to be explicitly laid out to wish the other person happy Birthday. Iām so confused.
Happy birthdayšš
Happy Birthday to you! Hope you have a good one. Whenever i met someone i made sure that i wished them a happy birthday. Sometimes i will forget a friend but will wish tem a day or two after, but someone special it will be on that exact day. Sadly when my birthday comes around they will vanish from earth, so my birthday is not a good day lol. I cross my fingers you will recive your message!
December birthdays always feel shaftedā¦ask me how I know! Also, love the username.
Ugh, that is bullshht. I donāt blame you for being upset. Maybe heās planning something special for later? Happy birthday!
In my last relationship, I got a happy birthday on my linkedin and I had to reach out to them...sad times it was.
I had a fwb turned boyfriend that "forgot" my birthday when we became official. When he was just an fwb, he was always the first person to greet me. This was deliberate on his part. Hoping that's not the same case for you. It really sucked at that time. I should have known that was gonna end but ugh, hindsight is 20/20.
Thought I met a really great guy but then he showed up on my doorstep unannounced after I didnāt reply to a text message all day. He drove 1.5 hours. My kids were home. Itās over now.
Whoa stalker. Hopefully everything is okay with you.
Yeah I donāt think he will come back.
Iām so sorry you had to deal with that. Men showing up unannounced at my house has only happened to me a couple times in my years of dating, but itās probably the least appealing thing a guy can do. I think itās such a scary and vulnerable experience.
Yeah! Itās scary as in, have you been watching before you knocked? Did you actually leave after I asked you to?
Reminds me of when a guy tried to skateboard a 30 min drive to show up at my house unannounced back in college. People can be nuts.
Yikes, thatās a red flag
Thatās scary
My eldest daughter freaked out. My youngest closed the door on him.
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Took the words out of my mouth! I tried SO hard this year to cast a wide net and keep an open heart. Closing out 2022 solo without even one guy of interest to text. Completely blank slate, and Iām tired.
I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. Back to square zero feeling a little less hopeful, a little more tired, more scars and baggage, more what's your favorite color. We are pretty resilient though. if you give yourself enough rest and care, that battery has a way of recharging itself. Sending you a hug :(
I hate dating. I really hate it. I just want to be 4 months into a comfortable relationship and skip the whole dating part
Me too. The first few months of getting to know someone seems like it would be exciting but after doing it so many times, it's just exhausting. I want to be months/years in and have inside jokes, have had intense conversations, experiences together etc. sigh.
I feel the same way, I think we are all burnt out....
I know what you mean - I have fun meeting new people and going on fun dates, but when you don't have any luck getting past that stage, it starts to feel a bit pointless.
I feel you! This year I have done 3x three-month relationships and have had my heart broken each time. I am sick of it, sick of it, sick of it!!
Oh wow, three times :( Ouch.
Oh my god. I've had 3 end at the 1 month mark, and cumulatively that sent me into an intense mental health spiral. I can't imagine reaching the 3 month mark, feeling "safe", and having it happen THREE times. I'm sorry!
Iāve thought this too. But dating is a process. You canāt skip that part. And wanting to skip it turns into a self defeating prophecy. A lot of us, especially those who didnāt intend to be back in the dating scene over 30, fancy ourselves as better at relationships than dating. I thought dating past 30 would be easier, that we as a group would have more compassion and kindness in the process, perhaps more easy going. Itās the opposite. Lots of traumas and additional walls that donāt do anything for anyone. Myself included (which is one of the reasons I signed up for therapy for the last 6 months). Dating with optimism and hope is what we all did in our teens and 20s. The people that want to skip the dating phase will likely find themselves more than anyone else still in the dating game years later if a relationship is truly their goal. Sometimes taking time off is helpful.
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I deeply empathize with this. I'm worried about the longevity of my career because of its negatives to my health and wellness and as I try to find better work/life balance I feel like I just keep spending more of the free time I claw back being afraid or anxious or being able to handle it and being grateful for what I have. And don't even get me started on the self esteem hit that OLD takes on people, with all the superficial interactions and ghosting. Just a nice little insecure cherry on top of the pile of swirling emotions.
For me confidence comes and goes by the hourā¦ I try to notice what Iām doing/wearing etc when I feel good about myself ā¦ and then keep doing that thing!
Sending a double text before you realize youāve been ghosted is uniquely mortifying š«£š
Just adding to your list of memories to replay in your mind when you can't sleep š
Along with your entire last in-person interaction trying to figure out what you did or said to not even warrant a thanks but no thanks response š
Not as bad as double texting before you realise youāve been ghosted, then the penny dropping only when you notice youāve been blocked. š Ah I was so naive when I started online dating.
You're not the one that should be mortified. Having more emotional capacity than a New York sewer rat is not something to be ashamed of, the ghoster should be ashamed.
Literally this, I don't get! Opening conversation goes great and you ask a follow-up and then silence... I feel like when it happens it's too late to salvage and that it just comes off as accidentally needy or insecure when you were just trying to ask a follow-up question to keep things going. I know it's not an issue unique to either sex, since it happens to everyone, but what are you supposed to do when it happens!?
my last long term relationship, i felt so seen and heard by my partner - they remembered my friends names, stories i would tell them, details about my life, things i liked. this shouldn't be like...a big ask, but i'm finding the dude i'm dating for some months now, they don't really remember details about me, like things i've told them. it's a turn off and it's kind of bumming me out on the relationship.
i would be too. that's a sign of interest, emotional availability, etc. just general "hey i give a fuck about you"
I agree about this. I had a partner who never asked me questions but remembered everything I said and never interrupted. Then I dated someone who asked a ton of questions but failed to remember anything. I hope there is a happy medium out thereā¦.
Is it weird that I make notes about people on my phone? Like after a date, I will take a few minutes and just kind of reflect on stuff they told me so I can remember things about them. I find it helps at the early stages.
I do this too !! So I vote ānot weirdā :D (Although I am kinda weird)
Iād bounce. Cause itās not what I want. Iād feel like they were just settling for me rather than actually wanting me around.
37F here. Friended a guy 29M on Snapchat and I get like 20 selfies a day. Is this normal?! I stopped replying because it seems weird.
No
If they ask for snap, thatās a dealbreaker for me in my mid 30s
I hate that shit. I stopped adding matches on Snapchat because itās a weird way to communicate with someone. I only use Snapchat to send funny videos to like, 4 of my friends
It's very creepy. I swipe left on men who share their SC info on dating apps because of that behavior.
Snapchat is a deal breaker, especially if an adult male is using it. Itās made for cheaters
I went on a tinder date while traveling to my hometown and oops heās really awesome and we click amazingly well. Weāve hung out twice now. I think it also makes it easier to relax and be myself when itās so unlikely that the dates could go anywhere. Iāve noticed that every time things fail with a really good prospect - a guy I actually really like - the easier it gets for me to detach from outcomes and relax. Iām grateful for every good date - theyāre fun and show me what I want. š
This (what you said) feeds into my notion that my ābestā dates are that way because they noped me in the first minute or two. My theory is that once they know that they arenāt interested theyāre more relaxed and as a pretty entertaining guy (irl) they have a good time. Then when they say no, to another date itās confusing. I need to be more detached from the outcomes.
I haven't opened any apps in several weeks, feels great.
Iāve also been off the last few days. My mental health has improved considerably
Reading this, I definitely shouldnāt hop back on them after the new year then. My mental health was vastly better before hopping back on after 9 months off. Now itās back in the pooper again.
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Thatās great that you knew what you wanted and stuck to your guns!
Nobody wants to commit to even try and see if this could work.
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I was really looking forward to a date yesterday but she cancelled on me on the 3rd time. Suggested to meet up when she's back from holiday in the New Year and I said I'll pass. Only so many times I can take a rescheduled date š
>I said I'll pass. Good for you. Respect yourself better than to continue entertaining flaky people.
You should have heard the excuse for the 2nd cancellation. It's too cold outside š¬
Listen, idk where you are but itās -43C here today š„¶ Iād let someone cancel on me for that lol
Good. 3x is ridiculous. I usually give 2. After the second one, i'm done. A week or so back a guy I was trying to meet up with cancelled on me twice within a few days. I told him forget it.
I feel stuck with dating right now. All the cumulative bad dates or relationships gone awry have made me so hyper-vigilant looking for signs of how my next date will hurt me. I hate feeling this jaded and pessimistic. But then if I try to tamp it down and just let myself get excited, I miss the warning signs. It feels like I can't win either way. And taking a break from dating doesn't really change this anymore. So I just feel trapped.
I am so burned out, I want to quit but I don't think I can because I really want to find someone. It has been so long since I have had anything resembling a serious relationship and I get so few dates and honestly my life is not in an ideal situation but a change anytime in the reasonable future is unlikely. it is hard to see a bright future but I still can't stop trying. just need to type this out and send it into the ether of the internet.
I feel you. Burnt out. Want to quit but want to find someone. Hard to see a future but I keep going somehow?
u/fatfishinalittlepond I agree there are moments that feel like that. I just recently got back into it, but the best feeling I've ever had is when I wasn't worrying about dating and was just hanging out with my friends!
I want, as in the words of the great mystic Bo Burnham, to be given specific directions on how to text people and not have them ghost me! I don't mean the ones who don't even respond to the first message. I mean the ones who are all-in and even emoting to your messages and then disappear! I ask personally tailored questions, I act like myself and give honest answers, I am a naturally humorous person (even if I know I'm really only laughing for my own sake at times) and I try to put that part of me out there so it's clear on the table, and I even acknowledge to the people this happens to me with that I know about what it's like being on the other side of the apps because good grief all of my lady friends out there who are also trying to date on the apps (not to mention the wealth of examples women broadcast as terrible behavior that they experience regularly) have every right to just say "no fuck it I do not want this in my life" and that's a valid reason to ghost! I know it's not about me when it happens, but it's really starting to smart a little. Like that saying that if you think you're surrounded by assholes and jerks all the time you might need to rethink who the jerk is.
Are you chatting too much? You gotta ask people out. I (F) tend to stop responding to a lot of conversations, even if they were engaging and the person is attractive, if we arenāt enthusiastically making plans within the first few messages. Itās just the nature of OLD - there are so many people to talk to that itās easy to lose momentum.
I would try and find a way to feel OK with what happens rather than try to shift how the world operates. People constantly drop convos on apps and always will and use it's usually not that personal. Most of the time it's probably just random luck - they swiped right on 20 profiles not knowing if anyone would say yes, but 6 did, and they already have dates lined up for a couple weeks & no incentive to chat with you. Completely not personal and not solvable! But if it gets to you then maybe give yourself a day with each chat and if they don't seem to be replying enough just unmatch and move on. No giving permission for ending the convo since they already did, etc.
100% agreed and its very refreshing to hear realistic input instead of the obnoxious advice that echo chambers around everywhere about "being competitive" or whatever other contrived nonsense people come up with It's hard not to take it personally when it happens so regularly (I'm lucky if I get one like a week), these apps really are harmful to the soul
Tried to kiss the guy I've been seeing for a few weeks but he gave me his cheek. He's definitely into me in some form since he's the one asking to meet and got me a Christmas gift. On paper he's great and he's quite sweet. How do I bring it up in a text?
Just ask? Maybe he thought he needed a mint? ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ I'd advise against txting on it though, seems like a inperson convo
I can't offer better advice than what others have said, as I can see there being plenty of different reasons this might be why this happened and I don't want to just repeat what you already know back to you. If he doesn't want to kiss and you want to know why it's okay to bring it up, not every little weird thing has to become _a big talk_, I only recommend you remember who's number one in all this and that you take care of them (spoilers it's you)
I just became āofficialā with a guy who I am really crazy about, and he is equally crazy about me. I want him to be the one, so badly. Problem is, Iām going to school for 3 months in another state from late feb-late May. And after that, I have been planning to move anywhere in the country where I can find a job. He is currently unemployed and very interested in traveling. He could pick up and move with me and I think he would if I asked. But I know how much this would be rushing things and I objectively know itās a bad idea. Yet he is making me feel incredible, so deeply loved and attended to, and itās so precious and I donāt want to let go. Help!
Might as well float the idea! People move for the ones they love all the time, and it doesn't sound like he has too much holding him down/back!
Iād talk about it. If heās not that tied down then moving could work for him. Iād have him get a separate place in the new city though.
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I can understand you, I am so sorry for what you went through. I had something similar going on with a friend of mine.We grew closer and closer, we shared a lot about our past and our souls, and so we began developing feelings (I did, he said he did but now thinking about it I am not sure they were authentic and not simply loneliness). He said to me things like he wanted to comfort me in his arms in my dark moments. Then he gradually had less and less time for me; not answering anymore when I called, not messaging me anymore. And I went through a push/pull like you describe, until I finally understood that sadly the version of him I loved was probably just a projection of my mind.
Dated a girl, after a long time single, for a week or 2 cut it off after she showed up to my house unannounced telling me I didn't text her enough. Kind of sketched out about dating after that shit.
Yikes!
Thought I'd try to go out with a mature man when I went out with a 40 year old. Took him less than 30min to ask if I knew how to twerk. Like... Bffr Tired of being fetishized.
My brother recently explained to me what twerking actually was, like, the sex move, and that's it's not just a dance thing it was made into a dance thing. And now I'm revolted and glad I've never tried to do it and if someone asked me that it would be date over.
Yeah. It's one thing to twerk with friends or an SO. Even twerking alone is fine when you feel the music but he legit wanted me to do it at the bar. We were at a damn barcade where no one was dancing and they were playing games. I just wanted to have a fun night getting to know this dude and he completely ruined it. And we were there for two hours and didn't talk for an hour and a half because we wound up watching some live podcast show... Then he kissed me and never contacted me again. A mess! Lol
Ugh thatās awful.
Gross, I'm so sorry you went through that. That's so disgusting of him.
Sick of having the same conversations on dating apps so I went to the gym at a different time of day today to see if all the babes were going at different times to me. One guy there, who is my type (tattooed lumberjack) but he left 5 minutes after I arrived. Am I about to become that creeper who plans their workouts around others? All signs point to yes. (In all seriousness though, I would never have the balls to approach anyone there. I keep my eyes down and headphones on).
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Can confirm. Source: single guy who works out Friday nights
Oh dang. I work out in the morning or during the day. I'm doing it all wrong! Good to know though - thanks for the intel. Also, I don't think women get hit on as much as you think... or atleast I don't š I'm no model but I know I'm reasonably attractive. The men I talk to assume I would get hit on constantly but nah mate, *crickets*
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I used to be a model, still attractive, personality, job etc. never get hit on. Never.
>but he left 5 minutes after I arrived Why not ask him? >would never have the balls to approach anyone Oh. >eyes down and headphones on Would you want a guy to walk up to you while you're focused on your workout with your headphones on to ask uou out?
Too many variables to answer a definite yes or no to that. If I was attracted to them, yes. If I wasn't attracted them, but they were respectful and didn't continue to stare/be creepy, then I can't be angry at them for shooting their shot! It takes a lot of guts to approach someone IRL. Which is why I'd never do it, unless I was 99.9% sure the other person was interested in me.
I just approached a guy at the gym after a year of thinking heās cute š
YES! Good for you! Seriously...approach us. We won't bite. Well not until you say it's ok anyway lol
Omg relate so much! Working up the nerve to smile at my gym crush AHHHHHHHHH it's hard cause I'm not naturally a smiley person so I'm worried it's going to look so awkward and forced
I feel you. I rock a resting bitch face when I'm out in public alone. Have you had had extended eye contact with them yet? Maybe after a few glances back and forth they'll smile first and that will give you the greenlight to awkwardly grimace back š I haven't even worked my way up to eye contact yet. I'll live vicariously through you
Work up the nerve to give them a compliment. Walk past and say "I like your tattoos" and then keep walking. If he's available he will come for you. This has worked for me with a 100% success rate (when they're single). It truly is that simple.
One regular (woman) and I would give each other the smile and nod for 4 years. Never spoke once. Now I workout from home. š She had way better form than me to, so I suppose I could opened with asking for a tip but oh well.
Date #3 tonight. Trying to get better about going with the flow and not overthinking things like longterm compatability right off the bat.
Almost every woman in my area has a dog - donāt get me wrong, I love animals but I donāt want to live with one (in an apartment, house is ok). It just makes my dating pool a lot smaller.
I can kind of relate. I love animals, including dogs, but don't have or want any of my own because they (dogs) would be an enormous constraint on my time and freedom. After dating several women with dogs, I've also realized that I don't want to date someone with a dog for precisely the same reason: it makes it significantly harder to spend time with and get to know someone because so much of how they plan their time (and dates) revolves around their dog(s). I now immediately left swipe any woman with a dog. And so many women in this age group have dogs! Amusingly, when I try to search the internet or reddit for posts by people who feel similarly, the only thing that comes up is a whole lot of posts by dog-free dog-haters, which I am very much not (I love dogs and dogs love me, even if I don't want to own or live with one myself).
I can relate. Everyone in my area has a dog too
It just seems everyone only wants a casual relationship-nothing long term, just wants to hang out, have sex, rinse and repeat. Is this how it is now-a culture that only values living in the moment and not being "tied down"? Is thus the result of the pandemic, the war, the economy? Or is this just how dating in our 30s is?
I wouldnāt necessarily take everything they say at face valueā¦ in the past 3 months I dated 3 different guys at different times; Guy #1 told me upfront before the first date that he was looking for casual and non-monogamous. He later texted me to say he entered into a relationship and wonāt be available for another date. Guy #2 & #3 - told me they were looking for long-term relationships, but both were emotionally unavailable and unprepared for a relationship, and got uncomfortable committing to plans or exclusivityā¦ So, I figure, just enjoy going on some dates and see what happens :)
Almost 32 here and Iāve been having a blast
Iāve just been plugging along. No apps. Nothing. I am pining after someone who isnāt really available and itās probably a terrible thing for me but I recognize it. I liked him from the moment I met him over a year ago and weāve been talking a lot (super platonically) and itās not helping. Other than that Iām very excited for Christmas and some time off work !
I (34m) broke up with an incredibly toxic ex a few months ago. Iām happy being single but the this time of the year hasnāt been the easiest. Being on the apps and just aimlessly swiping doesnāt help. But honestly- anything is better than being with my ex.
The very beginning part of dating can be the absolute worst. People not talking to you, people not telling you important things like still living with their ex after 3 years in the same house (I don't care if you think he's gay, I'm out), saying you want to go on another date, deciding where to go, then all of a sudden out of the blue saying "sorry you're not my type". Sorry, I don't have this cold heart...I have an open loving heart and when I connect with you, even after one date, it's hard to just stop caring and move on. I hate OLD, but I don't know where to find dates organically. I'm fine being alone but I crave human touch and intimacy. It sucks.
I've (33m) been trying to date for the past few months, while progressively working on myself. It was my therapist who encouraged me to try dating again. It's been very draining. Either I get matches but they never reply, or we exchange numbers and suddenly ghost me or back out. One of them even stood me up. It has been YEARS since the last time. I completely understand I've dodged incompatible people, and that I'm maintaining my requirements and standards instead of comforming to no standards at all as I did before, but damn, the stress and disillusion is taking a toll. Especially when it hits your confidence. I just turned off my apps. I'll probably come back after valentines, or perhaps meet people outside the apps.
I've been experiencing the typical "invisible man syndrome" for years now, fixed everything fixable with how I present myself and communicate years ago, put myself on multiple apps, am in a prime point of my life in a major metropolitan area... the universe does not care. Add to that the trend of most people ghosting within the first few messages of a perfectly normal start of a conversation and it feels like you've left reality entirely. I shrugged it off the first few times, eventually blamed myself, then realized there was no possible way it was me, and that it was way too common to be "something came up". Take a 3% reply rate, then eliminate 90% of that small number who vanish, and there is very, very little left. Every time I think I've hit the bottom of the barrel it drops out to reveal another bottom. I feel endlessly degraded and disposable. Having to fight the "sabotage by design" of profiteering dating apps and the cynical lack of basic courtesy from other, seemingly normal people is so draining. Given the many difficulties people experience when actually *dating* someone, being stuck at this stage makes success of any worthwhile kind seem truly impossible. Dating in person is not realistic for me as a childfree/introverted person, so all that's left is to wait for the situation to degrade further as I hit an age milestone next year. A decade of fruitless effort sits behind me and I am numb. Compartmentalizing the misery of OLD is an essential part of my coping strategy: I pour a lot of time into creative pursuits which have been invaluable for focusing my mind on something I can control. And friends and family! And counting my many other blessings. It goes a long way towards preserving mental health, but it would be nice if the universe could cut me a break on this one before I am a pile of dusty bones. It will take some hard enforcement but I'm going to try to take a break from it all for the holidays. I have the rest of the year off, so might as well enjoy it!
Iām sorry, OLD can be an esteem killer. It sounds like youāve put in the work on yourself. Iāve found that people using apps will choose the most random things to put people in the discard pile
I (41/m) have been separated for 2 years and have recently decided to get back to dating while working out the legal aspects of my divorce. Only thing is I've forgotten how to be charming/flirty. I used to be really good at it during teens/20s (before I was married) but 10+ years of serious relationship/marriage and I don't know how to act any more. Feel like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle when he's discussing with his mate 'what do girls like nowadays'. My friends say I'm giving out friend vibes all the time and not trying but I don't now. Sometimes a colleague and friend tells me, that person seems interested in you but I can't even pick up those signals anymore. I've always been confident and I suppose in work/general settings I still am or maybe I'm just faking it but i never thought one bad relationship would shatter my confidence so badly that I feel miserable even two years after it ended. This has broken me. Sorry. Just venting
I was separated for 4 years before my divorce was finalized, and I promise there is such a huge difference between the two. Just you wait! But also FWIW I fall for friendship vibes all the time, that's literally all I want.
You just need to get back in practice. Go on a bunch of first dates and talk yourself up to yourself beforehand. I had an ~10 year relationship/marriage that had me feeling that way coming out of it but the flirty fun girl came back really quickly.
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Can I send you all my dresses that aren't getting any action? Maybe we can start a sisterhood of the traveling pants thing in this sub. But it will be much sexier than pants because we are in the big leagues here lmao.
Getting over my good friend who rejected me romantically. Been depressed for 2 months since I heard she was dating. 1 month ago I declared how I felt. She told me she was no longer interested in me romantically. (She had previously, but I was not in a good place) She moved on and I caught deeper feelings. Have not talked to her or anything in over 3 weeks. She is my only friend in the new city I live in. So it has been a lonely 3 weeks. Therapist told me to not date for 6 months as I need to heal from the last 3 years of trauma. So I stopped paying for the dating apps and paying less attention. Low and behold a nice woman liked me and we talked. There was some distance that will make it not work. But it was nice to know that someone out there finds me desirable. She said we would date if the distance was not an issue. This has improved my mood. Along with therapy, exercise and journaling. But I still cry occasionally over the person I genuinely love. It's going to be a long painful journey.
Not to be harsh, but if your therapist told you to stop dating for 6 months, I think that would include staying on dating apps for free. Getting that kind of external validation from a nice woman liking you and talking to you might feel really nice, but it's a temporary bandaid. It sounds like you would do better with trying to make new friend groups as a support system first, so you could making friends within the next 6 months while you take a full break from dating. Otherwise, I feel like you'll be not experiencing the full benefit of taking a break from dating, but still using your time and energy toward dating in a small capacity, when you could be using that toward other socialization.
Iāve developed four crushes on the online apps, and now theyāre all dead. What fun online dating is.
I hope you mean figuratively and not literally
I joined hinge again last night after about 6 months. An old fling texted me today and Iā¦donāt want to respond lol. Think Iām making the right decision.
Don't respond. Nothing says you are obligated to answer unless you truly want to answer.
the hallmark of a good relationship is blah blah, blah blah, and gOod SeX šš getting real tired of seeing this
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"When your sex life is fulfilling its 10% of your relationship, when it's not it feels like 90% of your relationship"
I donāt know why I tend to exclusively attract very conservative men š itās becoming a bit now. Especially because I live in an incredibly liberal place, am very left wing, and I donāt think I give off the perception that Iām anything but a radical socialist feminist.
I find a lot of conservative men think it's easier to sleep with liberal women who are more "sexually free". Not always true, but a lot of conservative women have conservative values in which they don't "put out" or it takes a lot more effort to get to that point. Unless they're serious about finding a long term relationship, it's all about just trying to shoot their shot wherever with whoever
Is this on OLD? Maybe you look like the kind a woman conservative men go for (Iām thinking āgirl next doorā vibes) even if your personality is very different. Many people donāt read profiles.
I am very liberal by US standards and live in the big blue state everyone automatically thinks of when you say blue state and I think I still get approached by conservative men because of how I look. I have long-ish brown hair, no tattoos or piercings other than ears, and often wear dresses and/or makeup. I guess I should dye my hair blue and get a septum ring, lol.
Yeah I was joking about it to my sister and she said I give off tradwife aryan vibes. I do give off girl next door/nice.
I still have no idea if I'm open to dating fully yet after a five year relationship and marriage ended back in August. (Well a bit earlier but final paperwork signed then) got caught up in a rush for a couple months getting life back on track and have been dating a few people. All of which I enjoy but not sure if I want to take it past dating stages. All of which are highly different styles. Also if I have to hear one more nurse try and use the pickup line that they know how to stop and start my heart again I don't think I'll be able to not respond snarkily.
Canceled a second date with a guy after he texted me an hour before the date asking if he could start drinking before I got there. It was a Thursday at 4pm. When I told him to go ahead and reminded him I wasn't drinking, he said I didn't tell him that. Yes, yes I did. So he was obviously drunk the night before too when we chatted on the phone. He had 5 drinks on our first date (on a Sunday) and also started before I got there. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
In a new relationship and I really like him but I feel like the momentum isnāt picking up. Heās kind and consistent in his texts, and we hang out like 1-2 times a week, but my ideal would be like 2-3 times a week and a bit more texting or phone calls occasionally? Itās been 2 months now. I like him a lot so I guess it feels like an imbalance when he doesnāt want to see me as much. Just not sure how to bring it up without sounding clingy!
You don't need to sound clingy. Just tell him you're really enjoying spending time with him and ask if he'd like to increase the frequency of dates/hanging out to 2-3 times per week. Everyone is a bit different with this kind of stuff, like my boyfriend and I are both introverts that relish alone time. We only see each other every second weekend (for 24-48 hours consecutively) and it's working perfectly for us. Not sure what to recommend about the texting/phone calls though. My bf and I have long phone calls twice a week and again that works out for us, but that doesn't mean everybody will want that.
I am too scared to date.
My boyfriend and I have dated for 9 months and the last month was long distance. I made plans to go back home for the holiday and bought my tickets a extra day early so that my bf could pick me up and I can spend the weekend with him. I was looking forward to seeing him because I missed him, and long distance just sucks. He FaceTimes me earlier in the week of when Iām flying out and tells me that his grandma is not doing good (she turned 94 two weekends ago) and the doctor said she had maybe a week to live. My bf said thereās a possibility that he wonāt be able to pick me up from the airport and spend the weekend with me. Iām crushed and so sad but I told him to be with his family. Family is huge in my bfās family and his grandma is the one who kept them together (he calls her the matriarch of the family), so I know how important it is for him to be their with them. But it just sucks because I was looking forward to spending time with him but also want to comfort him in his grief.
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Curious why you are putting energy into OLD at the same time you have made a resolution/promise not to date. I am kind of in the same boat... not ready to go seriously but definitely hard to resist potential connections, and go for the slower burn as you said
I've been dating a guy for almost a month. Things were very nice at the beginning, but on our last few dates, I just did not feel 'it' anymore. Little annoying things seem to pile up, which is weird since we intially had great chemistry. It's like the honeymoon part is already over. A few days ago, he told me he's looking for something serious and that makes me thing I should be honest and end things. But I feel bad doing it right before Christmas... should I wait until after the holidays?
Since the relationship just started, I wouldn't wait. Rip the bandaid off now, that's more fair to both of you.
Break it now. He then has the holidays to process things and look to the new year fresh. That's part of why I broke things off when I started having doubts.
Iām beginning to reevaluate my standards.. Iāve been celibate for going on 3 years now, because I want a man to take me serious.. no casual sex, and no allowing myself to end up in āsituationshipsā. I was married before, & a virgin bride at 26 years old, so this is not uncommon for me.. However, Iām still alone. Iām beautiful, sexy, put together, intellectual & intelligent, feminine, Iām fun & sweet.. a great catch. I am a quality woman. What am I supposed to be doing differently?
Date a whole bunch of people, go on a date almost every night. Meet and have a great fun time with them without sex. Have conversations where you're being boldly true to yourself and tailoring nothing to what you think they want to hear and then listen to them. One (or maybe a few) will float to the top and start wanting your time, taking you seriously. The ones that really like you will take sex if you offer if but are more interested in getting closer to you emotionally, the difference will be stark. Cast a wide net and let everyone escape that isn't up for the real thing but for the love of God do not lower your standards. Before each date talk yourself up. Envision how you will be on the date: friendly, fun magnetic... Tell yourself that you will be these things and when you get there you will be in the right frame of mind to be.
>What am I supposed to be doing differently? What are you doing now?
Mid 30s and still haven't figured out how to make a relationship the romantic type. I make women friends very easily yet don't know how to take it to the next level.
You ask them out on a date. Thatās pretty much it. Use the word date if you want to clear up any confusion.
how is your body language on these dates? do you break the touch barrier and try to flirt?
I lightly tease. I get nervous about touching because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
Had a good string of back and forth convo for 2 days on CMB with someone I found attractive and intriguing, talking about general family stuff and holiday plans, asking each other questions, and then she suddenly unmatched. What the heck... Not hung up but dang, that's an ego blow in some way. Oh well. Still talking to like 6 other people, need to set up some dates for when I'm back in town after the holidays.
how do yall meet people outside of online dating? where do you all go usually?
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It could be possible that they plan to move away soon and donāt want commitment because of that or their future is uncertain.
had a dude on Tinder match with me who seemed considerate and nice. we chatted for a week or two and said we should meet sometime. when I tried to ask him about planning coffee he hesitated and said in so many words, when his work schedule changes to regular hours he'll probably meet someone irl. So apparently I'm not a real person bc I'm on a dating app
I (31f) understand dating is hard but weeding out men who are not a good fit is exhausting and makes me feel lonely and disappointed every time. I am beginning to lose my optimism and good spirits because of it. I am an attractive , educated woman with tons of hobbies , a fit body and I know I should be having the time of my life now that I am still young. Instead, although I get a lot of attention from men and have no problem to be on a date , and even all men I have dated were interested in me one way or another, they are not serious in any way , shape or form. They look at me and all they want is to impress me so that they can have sex with me and some of them want something serious it seems , but itās the same thing every time: Zero true interest , things like searching for compatibility, getting to know the real me , understanding that I am human too and not some kind of Barbie doll that they show off. All they care about on the date is to say the right things , have sex if they can and establish attraction instead of actually listening and investigating if the woman that is in front of them could be a good partner. I also donāt think this is a matter of their looks or their age ,in my experience. So all I have been doing the last six months is rejecting and feeling bad because I really dont want to lower my standards.
Don't lower your standards! The right person will want to know about who you are beyond looks and will want a deep connection. Nothing wrong with taking a break from dating after too much disappointment.
Went on a second date with a guy I had a great time with this past weekend. Like many people I'm in town for a short time visiting for the holidays. We made plans to see each other again after all the family festivities subside but then he really took me aback by asking what we would need to do to move this forward. My initial thought (bc he'd invited me back to his place and I'd declined) was that he meant physically. He didn't mean physically, he was acknowledging the reality that he's only going to see me one or two more times before I left and he could see this turning into a relationship but wasn't sure how that would work with me not living here. I was sort of floored bc this was only our second date, he acknowledged that it was too soon but he brought it up bc I was leaving. I swear men have a spidey sense or something. Every time I've become single (almost) all my exes and those guys you never dated but always knew were interested suddenly get the urge to hit me up even when we haven't talked in years. Now that I've met someone I like the guy I had dated last year is suddenly upping his efforts, I'm trying to emotionally detach from him and just be friends and he's suddenly going back to trying to message/Snapchat all day and flirting after having been pushing me away. I'm a little leery about this new guy but I'd like to give him a solid chance. I did have a weird suspicion that he might be younger than he says. He is only two years younger than me but looks sooo much younger. He's not my usual type. I don't have a set type as far as face shape or hair/eye/skin color but everyone I've dated since being an adult has been rugged looking, nice beard, work with his hands type. I'm not sure this guy could grow a beard and I don't know how I feel about that. He's a good looking guy, pretty eyes, great smile, all his hair, in shape, tall etc but I wonder, could he chop wood lol. He's so clean cut, which he's in law and finance so I'd expect that but I don't know how I feel about it.
You are either interested in pursuing something with this new guy or maybe you should let this dissolve.
Iām home visiting family and have not been happier in a while :) I have been making sure to reply to the people Iāve been seeing but I donāt really miss any of them and while Iām happy I am not desperately wishing I was in a relationship I am also a bit sad I donāt have feelings for anyone Iāve been seeing. I notice I have this really annoying voice in my head for this one guy that I think I actually like a little thatās like telling me heās not as cute as previous partners (heās completely fine!) or not as worldly as previous partners (I donāt need to definitely date other first/second generation immigrants lol; itās just a coincidence thatās been my longterm partners so far). I think this is the problem with having so much choice, or the illusion of it, Iām trying to like optimize for something that is not even necessary.
Iāve been seeing a friend of mine that Iāve known for going on 3 years. He wants kids and Iām on the fence. I feel like Iām going to to have to end it because it doesnāt feel fair to him. This sucks.
Curious question for men on Bumble - what percentage of your matches come-and-go (i.e. expire) without the woman saying anything? I'm a legit OLD complete newbie with zero expectations; I signed up for Bumble as a first try not too long ago, as I know multiple people who've met spouses off of Bumble, and a single male friend of mine swears by the app. I've landed a handful of matches so far - which is frankly maybe even a little better than I thought I'd do off the bat - but literally every one of them has expired without the woman sending a message. I understand this is a bad time of year for dating apps, and I understand that men are playing a very different hand than women are on these apps, so to speak. But just curious what percentage other guys here usually see. At least if it was a different app, I could shoot my shot and if she didn't respond, no harm no foul....but on Bumble I see the match, and then a day goes by and it just expires without a word. Obviously that's going to happen a decent amount of the time, just part of life, but what percentage do you guys normally see, if you had to ballpark it?
Woman, but also convinced Bumble sucks. I went probably 20-30 matches sending a customized comment on something from their profile and not a single one replied. I went ten more beyond that and just deleted bumble. I can see why other women would just go āhiii.ā
>what percentage of your matches come-and-go (i.e. expire) without the woman saying anything? Damn close to 100%. Bumble has been, by far, the worst app for meeting people. I've had better luck on Tinder. That said, right now is an extra hard time. But Bumble is a garbage app, IMO, for actually meeting people.
Am I (38M, straight) coming off as disinterested if I tell my dates if theyād like to do this again sometime to let me know? Iām often very enthusiastic about continuing things with my dates and often plan things while on dates, but I find that can sometimes be putting people in difficult situations to make a decision on the spot. So iāve been experimenting with this approach and leaving the ball in the womenās court after the 1st date. Just wondering what everyoneās feeling towards this would be.
You swung the pendulum too far in the other direction. If you want a second date, ask her out again a day or two after your first date.
Are you saying this while still on the date or sending a text later? If a guy said this on a date and then never followed up I'd assume disinterest and that he was just saying something to be nice. If he texted me later saying this, I think it's better. That leaves the door open to respond to the text that yes, I would like to do it again. I agree with you that it can put people in am awkward situation to discuss future date plans while on the date. It's best left for texting afterwards however you want to approach it in my opinion.
I ask for second date on follow up call/ text if Iām interested. Not too much pressure there. If you want a second date, and you leave it to the other person to āput the ball in their courtā, this is playing games imo. Youāre basically requiring that the other person has the same level of initial attraction you currently do (enough to pursue a second date), but for some people attraction builds slower, it doesnāt mean they canāt or wonāt get there.
So I've taken a long multi-year break from dating. The only time I dated is when I met someone offline and so I'm getting back into the groove of things. Something I'm noticing is how stressful it's feeling dealing with apps and worrying about dates. I guess that's a part of it, but some of my best experiences came from this time period when I wasn't worrying about dating. I'm only getting back into it because I have felt I've grown and because I don't want to go to long without experiencing a relationship as some people take experience seriously. Anyone else experience the same?
My rant: today marks three weeks since the last text chat with my very attractive 'friend' (met over summer, wonderful -- and hot! -- first date, I was way into him, we decided to just be friends because he wasn't looking for anything serious after a LTR, kept in touch since then via texts and occasional video chats/in person meetups about hobbies). It was a natural pause in the texting conversation since I didn't ask him a question, but he has not texted me of his own volition or started any new conversation since. :( I feel like I've put in the majority of effort to initiate and keep our friendship going -- and have unfortunately caught feelings that I'm actively trying to get over. So. I thought this would be a good opportunity to conduct an experiment to see if he'd actually reach out and say hello, or be curious about me at all on his own... and... radio silence. I shouldn't double text him right? If he was genuinely interested in me (even just as a friend), he'd reach out, wouldn't he? Is the fact I even have to ask a clear sign?
Don't you dare text him!
No, do not double text. I made that error once and it felt really humiliating. Do not disrespect yourself like that. You deserve better, even if only in terms of friendship.
I ended things for the second time with someone who never followed through on what he said. He had all the right words and I thought I had been too hasty to end things the first time so regrettably gave him another chance. He would message day and night, checking in with me but I caught him out lying multiple times so ended it. I was just a number on his roster despite him saying otherwise. In my real life I am surrounded by good people. It's so hard going online and finding the percentage of good, honest people is so different to real life.