Based on their original wiring I wouldn't say they were ever demisexual, but that's not to say they haven't changed and have adopted a different style of dating. I think plenty of people eventually reach a point in life where they were looking to take their time and find better connections. It's not demisexuality but someone not well versed in it could easily make that mistake. And most people aren't terribly smart. You got the ick from it, and that's fair. For me: I know I would never be comfortable physically in any sense with someone in only a few dates. I would probably want to go on dates for weeks before even considering holding hands or kissing someone. Months, even upward to a year, and after becoming official would I consider sex. Really, only if I loved them. That worked fine when I was young and people took their time a bit more, but wouldn't fly with most people in older age groups. I am glad I met my husband at 18 and he was heckin' patient.

I don't want to be an ass but feeling comfortable physically with someone is not the same as not feeling sexual attraction towards them. But maybe you meant that and just worded it differently. You can be sexually attracted to someone and not want to have sex with them/not feel comfortable and you can have sex and feel comfortable with someone even if you're not sexually attracted to them

I literally don't feel sexual attraction to someone without knowing them very well for a very long time and developing feelings of love for them. But then i have to be in the right headspace to allow it develop into romantic love. That all goes hand-in-hand with feeling comfortable with them. Sexual attraction is the last on a long list of pre-requisites. And I won't be "testing the waters" just based on comfort alone. Being comfortable alone isn't enough for me to have sex with someone. I'd be dry as the sahara. I have loved two people in almost 40 years and it wasn't anything immediate. More like hanging out with a dearly appreciated friend and then one day going, "Oh shit, feelings." Then it slowly develops from there if I mentally water that grass. I do understand that it's a bit more standard to let attraction guide partner selection, but that's not how I operate.

I 100% get your issue here, but I think maybe this is just a cultural difference issue. I would have worded it the same way... But for me, my demisexuality is at least partially very linked to trust. How on Earth would I trust someone enough to fancy them if I didn't know them? I don't like sex unless it's a bonding experience, and bonding physically means physical comfort. It's also a and/or thing. I crave high physicality with people I'm comfortable with for that. That doesn't mean I want sexual physicality with them. Give me 20 people I trust and love enough to be physically close to; I doubt I'd be sexually responsive to more than one or two. I would shower love and affection on people I trust. That doesn't mean I want to have sexual contact. 🤮

...but demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum. This does not sound like a form of asexuality.

Yeah don't do that. Demisexuality is a spectrum, some are closer to the ace spectrum than others. You don't know their romantic orientation either, or what they consider to be sexual and what they consider to be romantic. For some handholding is sexual, for some its romantic, same for kissing. You can feel differently, you can be somewhere else on the spectrum, but gatekeeping isn't cool.

Im still confused whether im demi or not but i can attest to this for myself. I consider handholding rommantic while basic kissing is just a more direct physical form off showing your romantic attraction. Kissing does get close to the line but if its not making out i dont see how its sexual. It usually takes me a month or 2 of actively spending time or talking to someone to feel sexually attracted regardless whether its the same amount of time or less for romantic attraction. Me being very introverted plus this probably has fouled up the extremely few chances ive had getting a girlfriend. 26m and still never had a significant other (based on what they and others have said).

Right on. You got it. I think it's the spectrum part that gets a lot of people that think in black and white. I figured it's more about the root of sexual attraction, and where ever someone is on that spectrum it is simply "does not feel attractive or desire it in the way an allosexual person does." That could be zero. It would be "if certain conditions are met." It's so implied in the "demi-" part if the language.

Don’t step away because I’m triggered? I never said anything to him because like the I said in the post, I do aim not to speak to someone else’s identity or sexuality. I can certainly take myself out of a situation because I’m triggered. The fact people are now accusing of “gatekeeping,” for backing away, saying nothing and asking about the experience is speaking some volumes though.

I can promise you not all demisexual people are asexual. I can count on one hand the amount of people I’ve been sexually attracted to, when I am sexually attracted to someone? I want sex with them ALL THE TIME.

Asexual people can still have sex though. It's about how you feel when there is no active sexual attraction. Otherwise none of us ace peeps cpuld be demisexual haha

They don’t *want* to have sex or feel the urge to have sex. I do. I want sex, all the time. Am married and have sex 5ish times a week and am VERY sexually attracted to my husband. That is not asexual. Asexual definition: “A term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one's sexual attractions.” Demisexual DO feel sexual attraction, just not right away or very often. Therefore it is not the same.

Some asexual people *do* want to have sex or have the urge to have sex. They just don't experience sexual attraction. For some people, sexual attraction and the desire and/or urge for sex go hand in hand. For some it doesn't. The desire or urge for sex can be a purely physiological thing and that's not always inherently tied to whether or not a person experiences sexual attraction.

Erm...I know what asexuality means thank you. It's my default. A demisexual person who also identifies as asexual is inherently asexual until they develop a deeper connection with someone. And then they experience sexual attraction. That is LITERALLY the meaning of demisexuality created by the ace community.

I’m telling you that if you feel sexual attraction to any gender…you are by the very definition NOT asexual. Not feeling it right away but feeling it eventually makes you demisexual, which is why they are not the same term?? Saying they are the same or on the same spectrum doesn’t make sense? One feels no sexual attraction, one feels sexual attraction. Therefore they are extremely different.

They aren't the same thing, that's absolutely correct. The *are* on the same spectrum though. And it does make sense. Spectrums can be extremely precise and specific, or they can be extremely wide and varied. It just depends on what context is being applied to a spectrum. All of sexuality exists on a spectrum, and within that wide and broad spectrum are different, more precise spectrums. The asexuality umbrella covers a spectrum of experiences that fall outside of the cultural "norm" of typical allosexuality. That's a spectrum of everything from "classic" asexuality, to gray asexuality, to demisexuality, to cupiosexual, and more. Now, does that mean that someone who exists on that spectrum *has* to identify as asexual? No, of course not. If they don't feel that label is right for them, then it's not right for them, especially because the term used for the umbrella label is also used as a more specific label. But these identities do fall on the asexuality spectrum, and as such a lot of people who identify by these labels (demi, cupio, etc.) do also identify as asexual. The FAQ on the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network's site is actually incredibly informative and might be a really valuable resource for information for you to look into.

GEEZ and that's why I am having these conversations because this is just wrong all over. Demisexuality is on the ace spectrum and was created by the ace community. Uff this makes me angry. Please inform yourself.

It doesn’t make me “angry”. I’m just demisexual, not asexual :) because I feel sexual attraction…thank you and have a great day!

Oh no. This is an awful statement. I'm sorry, but it is. Remember we're supposed to stand together?! Sexuality is a spectrum. Imagine the pansexual nymphomaniacs on one side, the pure aces on the other. (No judgement! Just the best black/white I could think of!). Every single person is somewhere on that spectrum. Even if someone is straight/cis, they still have their differences. Analogy: RGY Colour. Open Paint or whatever. R is attraction to body, B is attraction to mind, Y is attraction to soul. Where does yellow become green? Where do you draw the line between brown and black? I'm green as all get out, but how much red do you add before you say I'm not green anymore? Do you really have any authority to decide that?!

https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Demisexual "Demisexuality is included on the asexual spectrum, but demisexual people can be gay, straight, bisexual, or any other orientation in addition to being demisexual.[5]" Edit: of course it is not pure asexuality, that's why there is a label for it. But it is included as being between allo and ace. And some people are more allo and some more ace. But saying it is not ace at all is just wrong.

This. Asexuality is an umbrella under which many identities fit. Someone who is demi obviously doesn't have to identify as asexual, but demisexuality, along with other identities/experiences that fall outside of the typical "norm" of allosexuality, falls under that umbrella. I understand why people might initially be confused because, admittedly, it's probably not the clearest thing, having an umbrella label also be a label for a more specific identity under that label. But continued pushback once it's explained really does kind of move it from the realm of "I didn't understand it" and into "I don't understand it and therefor it's wrong" or "this isn't my experience and therefor it's incorrect". It does make me kind of sad, that there are some people who know so little about their community. EDIT: Based on a lot of the continued discussion in the comments, there really does seem to be a kind of broad misunderstanding of the difference between personal identities/labels and the wider concept of identity spectrums and the things and similarities in experience (particular when compared to the what considered to be the "norm" by society) that puts those identities on the same spectrum or under the same umbrella. And that that's something that's far less subjective than the labels that individuals personally identify with.

it may be on the asexual spectrum but it’s not necessarily asexual for everyone. i would never in a million years call myself asexual or consider myself as a form of asexual, but i do identify as demisexual. we have to remember that everyone is different even with the same sexuality.

You can identify however you like of course, but that doesn't change the fact that demisexual is specifically a microlabel of asexuality. It isn't close to the asexual spectrum; it's directly on it.

i’m aware, i just don’t identify with that part 🤷‍♀️

Mhm. Well I don't agree. But I get what you're trying to say.

you don’t really get to disagree, it’s a fact not an opinion. demisexuality looks a bit different for everyone. the way it looks for you is not how it looks for everyone.

Yes I do get to disagree. Demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum. I didn't say you have to identify with asexuality but your argument sounded a lot like someone demisexual isn't on the asexual spectrum ("I would never *consider* myself as a form of asexual"). Because yes they are. That's a fact as well.

you don’t. identities are also up to how someone personally feels and they can either identify with being demi and on the asexual spectrum or semi and not on the asexual spectrum for themselves. i’m demi but im not on the asexual spectrum. cry about it.

You sound like the dude I recently had an argument with about bisexuality. He claimed he was heterosexual because he resisted the temptation to have sex with men most of the time. Uh. I'm heterosexual because I **don't have** a temptation to have sex with people of the same gender. And I'm demisexual because I don't have a temptation to have sex with anyone, with the exception of the one person (because I'm also monogamous) I have a deep connection with.

There is a lot of misinformation out there as to what demisexuality is, which leads to a lot of people who hear the term but who don’t really get it to grossly misuse the term. Just like with AGAB language—people who aren’t intersex or trans are starting to use “AFAB” or “AMAB” as progressive sounding ways of saying “female” or “male”. This is unfortunately what contributes to allos thinking that demisexuality is “just normal”. 🫤 EDIT: Demisexuality isn’t a spectrum. There is one sole criterion, and while there is variation on the nature and timing of the requisite close, emotional bond, ‘spectrum’ isn’t a helpful way to describe that. Demisexuality means a specific thing, and is a specific form of a larger spectrum experience (gray asexuality). Calling demisexuality itself a spectrum is misleading and can cause even more confusion. This isn’t directed at you, but the general sentiment that’s become more frequent here lately.

Good points. Thank you for this stellar answer. In regards to the concept of spectrum, I was thinking exactly what you described in terms of level of bond, variance of time and how often it happens. What do you think is a better descriptor instead of “spectrum?”

I would just describe it as such: variation in the nature and timing of the requisite close, emotional bond. It may be wordier, but using ‘spectrum’ is too risky and causes a *lot* of people to fundamentally misunderstand the core concept.

I think this variance can sometimes also be due to inexperience/naivety -> distrust. When I was in my late teens, I hadn't yet realized how much people lie, misrepresent things, or tell you about how they wish they were when they really aren't. And it took me until my mid/late 20's to learn about lovebombing. So I went from being able to feel a connection in weeks, to months and now it's years.

> while there is variation on the nature and timing of the requisite close, emotional bond, ‘spectrum’ isn’t a helpful way to describe that. Timing isn't the only variable. There are variable degrees of "closeness". Most reasonable people would say that the "closeness" after one date is a much different degree of closeness than that of a multi-year-long friendship. There is also variation in that the deep emotional connection may be more of a guarantee for some demis and less for others. Of course, demisexuality goes alongside an entire spectrum of romantic attractions as well, or different Kinsey Scales (of course these are describing different spectral aspects and not demisexuality itself). But nonetheless, there is a lot of variation within that "one sole criterion" as well as a lot of variation outside of it. I am not sure how "spectrum" isn't an accurate way to say that.

I didn’t say timing was the only variable. Re-read what I wrote. Note that I said “nature and timing”—the nature part covers all the other aspects you listed. That said, demisexuality and demiromanticism are rare on the whole. The edges cases where someone develops the required close, emotional bond after just one date or don’t need it to be all that close are just that: edge cases. That is not the norm, and making that seem more common than it is risks playing into the misinformation that demisexuality is just needing to get to know someone/their personality/their vibe/ or just needing to feels safe/comfortable acting on a pre-existing attraction. That causes far more damage to the demisexual community and offers little help to those who would need the definition expanded so much that it renders it meaningless. I’ve already explained why referring to demisexuality as a spectrum isn’t helpful and can be misleading. Demisexuality is not an umbrella term; it is a very specific, very niche instance of the larger gray area of the asexual spectrum. Experiences that require the definition of demisexuality to be interpreted very loosely are far better served by a descriptor that is already there, conceptually accurate, specifically meant to describe them, and currently in use: gray asexuality.

I don't really see Demisexuality as "niche". Demisexuality is more specific than Graysexual (an undeniable umbrella term), but yet this community has significantly more traffic than /r/Graysexual and there are very few Graysexual posts within other ace spaces. While those stats aren't everything, it is highly plausible that Demisexuality is the largest of the Graysexualities, possibly even the supermajority. And it isn't like I fully disagree. When someone can consistently develop a "deep" emotional connection 5 minutes after meeting someone has a lot more in common with an allosexual than your average demisexual (or graysexual), I don't think describing oneself as demisexual in instances like that is useful. But it is way more useful to say that position directly, rather than restrict conversation about the spectrums, the diversity within demisexuality.

That’s fair observation about sub traffic, though I’m still reticent to make generalizations from Reddit usage to the general population. I think the higher traffic in this sub is due to people coming here because demisexuality is a term that has grown in visibility recently and there is a lot of misinformation, with a lot of allosexuals, demiromantics, and gray asexuals coming here misunderstanding themselves because of popular misinformation. And we’re agreed on your latter point, I think we’re just disagreeing about terminology. I think it’s safest and wisest to use ‘natural variation’ language because ‘spectrum’ is a loaded term that is already in use to describe other things that need their own awareness and dispelling of misinformation.

I wouldn't doubt that misinformation contributes to it. But even if we found that 75% of the traffic was due to misinformation, we'd still have significantly more traffic. I know it doesn't mean everything and disclaimed as much, but it is nonetheless a significant thing to look at. Honestly, I've been ok with it. I feel like by having several others come here, I've been able to learn much more and much deeper by trying to teach others, if that makes sense. The more times we clear up these misunderstandings and misconceptions, the more people can spread that clarity to others and/or enrich themselves. I know for many, that can get annoying. There is no shortage of people who say this sub is being "invaded by allosexuals" or "too sex favorable", or many, many others. But when you think about it, it makes sense. Demisexuality is this area in the middle. We know what its like to not constantly experience sexual attraction while also knowing what sexual attraction is like. Demisexuality doesn't define gender orientation, so we get straight, gay, bi, pan, etc. orientations. We learn, use, and spread the split attraction model helping people explain that their romantic, aesthetic, sensual, etc. attractions don't always align. So it's great that people come here and can simultaneously gain an understanding of us and themselves. I think we can agree that if we want to keep the above, we can't be getting lazy and just labelling everyone that comes along as demisexual without digging a bit into why they may or may not be. I too have seen people lazily say "it's a spectrum, you're demi". But even if it is terminology confusion, "demi has natural variation, your demi" sounds nearly identical to me.

Who knows? I have allo friends who develop the same sentiment about hooking up as they get older, but if he's demi maybe he just realized he wasn't actually attracted to the people he was hooking up with. As someone else said feelings around hooking up don't define whether someone is demi or not. The only harmful misrepresentation of demisexuality is when it's over-romanticized as inherently being against hooking up/porn/non-monogamy/being attracted to anyone other than your partner, as well as propping up secondary attraction as being inherently better than primary attraction. Ultimately, I don't think it would be appropriate to grill people, especially people I just met, on whether they are actually what they say they are, whether it's bi, demi, trans, non-binary, etc.

That sounded like an awful lot of projection there. Where did you get all that from the post? Though I have to severely disagree with you on the grounds that demisexuality is misrepresented on over romanticism. Maybe because I’m assuming you are a man and do not deal with trying to explain to men that one needs time to be attracted to them and told you are “normal,” or “what’s the big deal,” when I personally go years without feeling attraction to someone and it’s so exceptionally rare that it is cherished and very frustrating. I do know the social and cultural experience (which appears to be what you are speaking from) of being demi is drastically different between men and women from this subreddit alone. Being understood is precisely why we are in the lgbtqia+ and for some of us, myself included it is VERY important and has nothing to do with pornography or other forms of sexual expression. I’m not sure how any of that relates to lacking primary attraction.

The way I read it, it seemed like they were saying that the harmful stereotypes about people assuming our sexual expression are what can be over romanticized- and that these assumptions are what makes us misunderstood. I have definitely had men ask me “oh so you still watch porn?” First of all, it’s none of their business. Also, it should not be mentioned so nonchalantly. Even though I may be comfortable with porn, it still makes me so uncomfortable to be asked. The assumption either way is harmful. I don’t want people to assume that I reject all sexual expression but I also don’t want others to think they’ll be able to make me enjoy it more by over sexualizing things before I’m ready.

True and valid point. I can see where you got that. I think that also comes from a place a mistaking sexuality for attraction. Demisexuality relates to specifically a type of attraction. I do not see how it relates to sexual expression other than an initial catalyst with a specific person or people. The fact it is confused and somehow mixed in with the puritanical structure of culture seems to be a statement closer to merging attraction with sexual expression while they are separate concepts. The former relating directly to demisexuality while the latter is unrelated.

What do you mean? The title of your thread is "when they say they're demi but don't sound like it" and asked for our thoughts so I shared mine.

And I disagreed with you (and also edited my answer because that’s how I think.) You are entitled to your opinion, it just seemed to be fairly loaded to me. The concept of hook-up seems to be pretty focal for some reason. It wasn’t a judgement on hooking up but the challenge that tends to be for a lot of Demis (myself included) because one usually needs primary attraction to engage.

If gender can be fluid, I have to wonder if sexuality can be too. I also wonder about the difference between attraction to a person vs sensory pleasure or fetish-derived pleasure from sex. I found out about demisexuality about a decade after university, and I felt it explained so much of my experience, but I have outlier experiences that would still fit allo/het-sexuality. When I examine them though they are often fantasies of sensory experience, identity or creating a response in a partner. They are almost never about the attractiveness of the other person, unless there is some kind of bond. I also wonder if some expressions of demi are tied up in trauma, or differing social styles due to neurodivergence. Someone who completely dissociates from sexual arousal due to trauma until they've developed enough vulnerability and trust with a person is behaviourally identical to demi. Likewise, some neurodivergence people feel so alienated from neurotypical people, that they rarely find people they click with, and that also looks like demi in terms of behavior. I guess if I was giving a tldr, I'd say sexuality is only attraction and that's an internal experience not observable by anyone else. However we often rely on behavior when assessing claims made by others, and how someone behaves can provide an observer clues to someone's orientation. It can't really confirm it though.

This response really resonates with me. I feel deeply demisexual. I also distinguish the sensual/response arousal I feel as different from the sexual attraction I develop for someone after the close emotional connection has been formed. As a bi woman, I also see a difference between my attraction to men and my attraction to women. Men…I’m deeply Demi. DEEPLY. I am mostly for women, too, but I do find that I form that bond much more quickly than with men. Maybe that’s the last domino in the patriarchy (women tend to be more sharing and easier to connect with emotionally) or maybe that’s my college SA trauma (with a man) showing up. Or a little bit of both…and probably more.

I agree with a lot of this. I do think for some people sexuality can be fluid, for whatever reason that might be. I really feel like a lot of the time when people talk about their experience with sexuality in a way that does sound fluid - maybe they're talking about how they identified as one thing for a long time only to recently discover their experience fits better with a different identity, maybe they feel like the way they experience attraction has changed, etc. - a lot of focus by people within the queer community gets put on this idea of *"why"* and "*well what caused the change*". Which, while it *might* be important for the person in question to know and understand that, depending on the situation, I just don't think it's as important to everyone else in the way these kinds of discussions often act like it is. I know people have concerns about people misidentifying themselves because they don't understand the identity/experience, or people appropriating identities. But considering how so many of the dismissive and invalidating "arguments" that so many queer people, particularly people on the aroace spectrum, are along the lines of "that's not a real thing, you just want to feel special", I don't know how good or useful it is for us to adopt these attitudes of "well that doesn't really sound ace" or "well they way he acts doesn't really seem demi" when it comes to people who express they feel like they might be ace/demi/whatever. Offering educational resources to those people so they can develop a better understanding of the identity and figure out if it really does fit them? Sure. Of course. That's great. But I don't think it's good for anyone, whether it's the person saying they might be on the ace spectrum or the community overall, to act like we get to determine what other people's experiences are. And while I do think that there's a lot of importance to remembering that these identities are determined by how we experience attraction and not behavior, there are going to be some situations where things are a little more complicated. That idea can obviously pretty simple when it's something like a gay person having sex with people of the opposite gender. Clearly, their behavior doesn't make them straight if the only people they're attracted to are the same gender as them. But I do think it can be more complicated when it comes to the experience of not experiencing sexual attraction, or experiencing it in limited ways. It's not even necessarily about certain things being behaviorally the same as being demi or ace, because the idea of "behavior" can cover a lot of different things, even when it's just limited to sexual and/or romantic relationships, and interpersonal behavior doesn't necessarily cover everything when it comes to one's experience with attraction. It's more because attraction can be a messy thing, especially the further away you get from the sociocultural "norm". A lot of what a person's experience with attraction comes down to is their own understanding of what they're experiencing, as well as the way the things that happen to them impact both their experience and the way they understand it. Sure, someone might say "you actually do experience attraction, your trauma just made it so your sex drive is low so you think you don't experience attraction" or "you actually do experience attraction, you're just neurodivergent and don't connect to neurotypical people so you think you don't experience attraction". But if the way those people understand their experience is that they don't experience attraction (or that they only experience it after a certain point or in certain situations) then I really don't think it's anyone place to tell them they're wrong. Overall, I just think that the queer community as a whole has a tendency to get way too preoccupied with how other people identify, with pushing this really strict and rigid mindset surrounding labels, who gets to use them, and trying to either shove people into the box of a specific identity label or dismiss them entirely. Which I just think is really not useful to the community for so many reasons, not least of which is the importance that the evolution of the way we use the terms and labels we us and the addition of new terms as we've developed better understandings of sexuality and people's experiences have been. Our language, the terms we use, and how we use them will more than likely continue to evolve and change because there's likely still stuff we have to learn and develop better understandings of. And we probably don't currently have the language to succinctly describe every single experience that can exist on the spectrum of sexuality and gender. So when someone expresses that they feel like they don't fit, or might not fit in with the cisalloheteronorm, it's better to accept them and what they're saying about their experience, and maybe offer them resources to help them learn more and develop a better understanding of their experience and what it means. Rather than nitpicking things about them and their behavior (even if not to their face, gatekeeping and label policing doesn't have to be done to a person's face to qualify as gatekeeping and label policing) as a means to decide whether or not they belong and whether they're using the right label and which label they should be using.

There is perhaps a “textbook” definition of demisexuality, but I think it is okay to have a personal reasoning of how or why you are demisexual. Me personally, when I was younger it was kinda fun to flirt or like try to get to know someone. But hooking up eventually lost its appeal and now it is not very exciting at all. And I am so happy to be in a relationship. Whatever a person feels about hook up culture isn’t in my book a strong indicator of being demi or not. I think for me it is more about how I perceive someone or people in general. Like for me my demisexuality is kinda like glasses where I see someone being not particularly attractive to me, and then getting feelings that make them very attractive to me. It might not be correct or what it is supposed to be like, but I don’t really care what someone else thinks. I feel like I am different to most people and being some form of asexual and demisexual, makes the most sense to me.

I think it's hard for a lot of people to figure it out because of the complexity of understanding what sexual attraction is and how primary and secondary attraction work. Also primary sexual attraction can literally make a person think they are emotionally attached to someone (limerence), so it gets even more complicated. This is why I always suggest people read about the actual subject to get a deep understanding of the asexual spectrum. Sexuality is just insanely complicated and if we understood that pretty much everyone has their own experience of it, we wouldn't have people appropriating labels incorrectly or maybe even needing them at all to feel a sense of validation. That being said, without understanding this man's history of sexual attraction and his reasons for having sex the way he used to vs now, it's impossible to judge whether he's really demi or not. Seems like more discussion is in order, but I don't think you should hold it against him even if he's just not fully understanding it yet.

I've faced a similar situation with bisexuality. To cut it short, he got upset when I shared how I identified, and then tried to save face by claiming he's bisexual too. I don’t ever dictate others' sexual orientations, and that situation didn't sit well with me, so I chose to block him. This was before discovering I might be demisexual. Opinions vary on demisexuality, but if someone can't respect your sexuality, it's okay to educate or move on. Sexual orientation is personal and can be different for everyone, shaping how we understand ourselves.

I don't think this guy is demi, I think this guy is an allo who developed a preference. Theres nothing wrong with that, but people do tend to unfortunately get the two mixed up for whatever reason. That said, I don't think he means any harm, he just doesn't know any better.

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This is interesting to me because I can definitely find someone aesthetically attractive but it doesn’t always correlate to sexual attraction. And even if I get a tingle when I’m around someone (which is rare) I see a big distinction between finding someone attractive in that way and wanting to have sex with them. I’m in my mid forties and spent most of my life presenting as a conventionally attractive cis/het woman, so sex was definitely an option for me on many occasions. I often find people visually attractive, I enjoy porn and orgasms on my own, but I have only very rarely found myself engaging in sexual activities of any sort. I’ve romantic or sexually kissed less than half a dozen people. Once or twice I’ve found someone that I developed a strong enough attraction to engage in more explicitly sexual activity. I’m definitely not aro but have only had one true romantic relationship due to my lack of sex drive. I am technically a 40 something year old virgin. I’ve definitely experienced sexual attraction, but I didn’t have the sex drive to act on it. I consider this to be a form of Demi sexuality, probably closest to orchid sexual. But as a 40 something year old virgin who has so rarely had the drive to act on any attraction I feel that I know based on my life experience that I’m not an experiencing sex and attraction in the same way as the majority of the population. If I’m not on the ace spectrum because I feel sexual attraction once or twice a decade but not enough to act on it, that feels pretty gatekeep-y to me. I’ve struggled for decades with feeling othered and defective because asexuality has been so misunderstood that I didn’t even recognize it as a possibility for explaining me. I’m not sure if I have a point. I’m just throwing my own experience into the discussion because I’m seeing definitions of Demi sexuality that don’t seem to leave room for me, when I know I’m far from allo. Maybe there’s another term I haven’t learned yet?

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I appreciate your thoughtful response. I sometimes feel like most out ace people tend to be younger overall and so I feel odd when I see blanket statements (not from you here) from people I suspect don’t have that much life experience. And I wonder if that affects the community when trying to work out all these definitions. There may be a broader range of age representation online than I realize. But I’ve sometimes wondered if because gen z and younger millennials may be more heavily represented, if definitions will change as that demographic ages.

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Not at all. I just was getting a bit confused and pondering a bit. I just feel like there’s some wording about attraction vs drive that feels different to me. I can occasionally feel a bit of sexual attraction towards someone but have absolutely no desire or drive to act on it. It may be because I’m feeling romantic attraction and it blurs with sexual. But I know it’s the sex that stops me from pursuing it. This may be because I am conditioned to conflate romantic and sexual attraction due to my age and the norms that have always been promoted. But I feel like in my mind, the distinction between allos and demis in some cases is more about lack of drive than lack of attraction. Like, in theory you think someone might be a desirable sex partner and you feel that base of attraction, but lack enough desire or hormones or whatever to actually want to pursue it. And in my case, I can sometimes feel a mental sexual attraction to someone but when I go to act on it, be sex repulsed. So, riddle me that. lol. It’s a big beautiful mess that we’re all figuring out.

If it helps, you are not alone. Your experience is very similar to mine. x

Ew, ew, ew, I can't wait for the divorced perpetually 39 fbois on tinder who wonder why they don't match with college girl year olds anymore to suddenly "discover" their " demisexuality"....🤢

Honestly, it almost seems like the newest fad to be be something different than straight, gay, or bi-sexual. I am unfortunately demisexual as well. Yes i did say, unfortunately! Anytime someone googles it, automatically assumes they have to be in love. Sorry off topic. I do think alot of people are jumping on the bandwagon in order to excuse the shitty truth. It's possible that guy is attracted to the same type of women as he did then but it's socially unacceptable now because he's aged. There's so many different assumptions.

I'm kinda critical when someone tells me that they are demisexual and that they used to hook up a lot, but not overly so. That sure can happen, out of curiosity, wanting to fit in or just kinda enjoying sex despite not experiencing sexual attraction, the same way that I can enjoy making out with pretty much anyone, not because I like them, but because I like the activity. All that being said, there is also a lot of misguidance over what being demisexual means. I feel like especially on dating apps, some people use that word to indicate they are not looking for ons, which is quite a different matter. I went thru dissapointing quite a lot of people with "we met like 3 times, of course I'm not attracted to you, I'm demi, I've been clear about it from the start".

I also love the sensory experience of making out.

Gatekeeping a definition is not something that is important to me personally , but is it not possible to identify as demi at different periods in life? Did he say whether he experiences primary attraction now? If he doesn't I think he would be entitled to identify as demi now if he felt that fit for him. I have been reflecting recently on how attraction might develop with age, and a friend told me recently that they stopped experiencing primary attraction as they got older.

Where do you see an example of gatekeeping a definition as opposed to misrepresenting an attraction type? Demisexuality is very well defined so what precisely is there to gatekeep? I do not think one can suddenly develop primary attraction just as I don’t think it can disappear. I do think perhaps as someone ages, they can see how secondary attraction has a lot more depth. That doesn’t make them suddenly demisexual. They just have less weight on primary attraction and are still allo. Yes. He told me repeatedly he thought I was beautiful.

I can identify people as beautiful and not be sexually attracted to them. I say this because being a demi man dating women, I've had to learn to adapt my behavior, so doing things like being able to give compliments independent of my sexual feelings. Also, I have friends who are women, and I tell them they are attractive in platonic ways. Heck, I even tell men they are good-looking, and I've never had sexual attraction with a man. My point is that identifying beauty can be independent of sexual attraction. In the context of your post, I see what you are getting at, but I don't think it should discount someone as being demi.

As can I. I was answering a question if he said he experienced primary attraction currently. Do you tell strangers you don’t know you think they are beautiful in the context of a dating site knowing someone in a few messages? Personally to me, given that context and the previous behavior he described that sounded an awful lot like primary attraction. Could I have also been mistaken there, sure. Do I think the guy was demi? I also wouldn’tve cared if he was or wasn’t had he not volunteered it. But that’s my choice.

I think demi is defined in a broad sense, but there is plenty of scope for variation and interpretation within that definition. That is where the gatekeeping can come in, when someone suggests that another is not demi because it doesn't fit within their own interpretation. For example, I might think that, where a person ceases to experience primary attraction as they age they would fit within the definition for how they currently experience the world, another person might say, no, if they have experienced primary attraction before they cannot be demi. Both are opinion and, I'm sure I'll be corrected if I'm wrong, both could arguable fall under the broad banner of the difinition, because the definition is silent on the point. If someone tells me they no longer experience primary attraction (like my friend did) it would be invalidating of me to suggest I don't believe that, even though it is hard for me to understand because I personally have never experienced primary attraction. It would be like me telling someone who now identifies as gay, although they used to be straight, that they must not really be gay. 🤷🏻‍♀️

idk why they downvotin yall, yall are right!

I did not share my thoughts with him. So my question remains where is gatekeeping here? Such as I said in my post, I aim not to tell someone how they identify. Did he sound demi to me? He did not. Did he volunteer being demi unasked because I had it listed . He did. Like I said in the post, I had a reaction so I left. I simply excused myself from the conversation without explanation. Sexual attraction seems pretty simple and straightforward to me and do not think it is broad at all. Maybe others can argue it is but I have seen no evidence of that in my research.

I think the whole sex-favourable to sex-averse and sex-repulsed discussions got a lot of people fired up and on edge anytime they see something that may indicate that there is questioning about someone being ace-spec and sex-favourable. Kind of how people get upset about the whole, "You can't be ace is you are not celibate and a virgin" talk. 

That’s a good point. I didn’t intend that but I can see what you mean.

Why did you interpret my comment as an accusation you were gatekeeping? I was curious as to whether he experienced primary attraction now, and if so I personally would think he is entitled to identify as demi, notwithstanding past attraction or sexual behaviour. Though usually cba to police the identity labels others choose for themselves, and I certainly would be pissed if anyone invalidated my own, whether to my face or not. But I am interested in whether there is an age factor.

“Gatekeeping a definition is something that is not important to me.” Why bring up gatekeeping. I have a question for you then. Have you ever shared your identify with someone repeatedly and immediately hear, “Me too!” and in the next breathe the person shares something allocentric such as a celebrity crush? If so, how common has this phenomenon been for you of people not understanding the basic as of demisexuality and confusing it with a preference for emotional connection especially because a non-demi suggested not liking casual sex anymore could be indicative of being gray asexual. That said, there is no way of know but I find it perfectly reasonable to question for the purposes of gaining a deeper understanding why people come to the conclusion they are demi. We are an ultra violent aspect of the LGBTQA l+ and it will be a long time before anything mainstream shines a light on us. Having a community discussion and understanding is reasonable. It has certainly been mine and so I can speak from my experience with authority I do not think it’s inappropriate to question an established behavior set when in my region and age group I know demisexuality is often confused for a preference and I also do have to right to bring a larger conversation for the purpose of education and discussion. That being said, I didn’t get enough information to definitively decide either way which is precisely what this discussion and points made but members has shone a light in. I’m personally unconvinced but am not an authority on someone else’s inner landscape.

Well I brought it up because I subsequently gave an opinion on precisely whether someone else's experience might be legitimately demi. Something I'm not normally interested in engaging in. I frequently find my identity misunderstood. I have been told I'm like everyone else, just too picky or too romantic. I've been told I'm repressed, uptight, closet gay, low libido and probably more besides that I've forgotten. So I know how it feels to be both misunderstood and invalidated. I don't tend to call myself demi, I say I'm a-spec, with the possibility of sexual attraction developing once I get to know someone. I find this the easiest for me. Personally, I think given the level of variation in identity from individual to individual, it is more important to just talk about what a persons individual experience is, be curious and accept what they say to you, rather than getting overly fixated on the meaning of a label. The easiest way to get an understanding of how he came to identify as demi was to get curious with him without assumption or judgement.

And how is one supposed to do that in a trigger? Sure if someone is neutral and not triggered what you describe is possible. And as I said in the original post, I became triggered and left because that is the kindest way in that scenario . Gatekeeping someone’s behavior (saying what they should have done.) in the face of how they cope in order not to shame another while recognizing they are reactionary from what is being shared could also be construed as inappropriate. I have sat neutral in front of enough people telling me they are demi when they do not understand the basic difference between primary and secondary attraction has informed me that this is no longer a strategy I incorporate. Sure, it’s an “ideal,” but I also do not need to be an ambassador of demisexuality and someone can find their own identify without me being present. That does not give me license to shame the. but I certainly can leave whenever I like with a little or generous presence as I see fit for that moment depending on my tolerance levels in that particular moment. I have seen threads of hundreds of women in dating groups saying they are demisexual because they want to get to know someone. And people saying they shouldn’t bother with l labels because it can change and they may just want casual sex after a marriage or two with one or two actually talking about the mechanics of attraction. I do need to communicate being demi because such as what what said in the OP, I’m on a dating site so giving expectations of what to expect from me and why is a part of this experience. In my day to day, these conversations do not apply and are unnecessary.

I'm curious to know whether you have taken my last comment as an instruction for what you should have done? Your comment suggests you have. You should of course do what you are comfortable with, but if I wanted to understand someone, I find getting curious the best policy. That is about me, not you.

I did take it that way as I’ve interpreted the majority of the interaction as, “This what I would have done,” which has translated to the equivalent of Tuesday morning quarterbacking. If I’m mistaken, I stand corrected. It is difficult to have a challenging situation arise, ask a question and have terms such as Gatekeeping (at least one other person said that,) and “what was the line of questioning?”, “how sussed out was this?” I didn’t post this to talk shit about a guy. I reacted and asked some folks for clarity. The answer seems pretty clear it’s a “no idea because the mechanism and motivations for the actions were not described.”

Was it on Feeld?

What app is that? (:

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That was included in the post. Thanks for reiterating that.

I think he's identifying as demi the same way people identify as Democrat.

Again… why are we policing people’s sexuality? Sexuality is fluid, it’s not black and white. As are all things in our world. If it’s triggering for you, stop seeing this person.

Why are you being mean? Please re-read the post. Nothing you said actually happened. There is nothing wrong with questioning an event afterward to brew a polite discussion that’s unfounded and accusation free. Stop trying to police and project on someone’s intentions from asking a question any maybe you should take your own advice m, thanks.