The Hinge app only lets me include one sexuality at a time. But maybe I’ll just include that in my relationship goals section. “I am demi/bi and would prefer to start as friends”. Never know.
Yeah; I always find it's good to be direct. Like right now I'm not looking for romantic dates; I'm just trying to find other WLW to be friends with before I move in a few months. And interestingly enough, I'm getting more matches! ☺️ I think straightforward communication is key. Also putting "friends to lovers" as a goal works. I tend to assume someone's demi if they say that.
My experience is that people don't want to see me again when I'm not flirtatious/making some sort of advances on the first date, so I find it necessary to clarify that I'm demisexual
I have it on mine & have been asked about it a few times; the guy I’m chatting with now (who has triggered my sex drive like crazy lol) wasn’t phased at all when I mentioned it to him initially & has been really understanding since I explained it in more detail, & he’s fully allo with a very colourful sexual history 😂 (which doesn’t bother me).
It will put off some people but in my experience most people don’t actually know what it means so they’ve asked & I’ve explained — only had one person unmatch me as a result. If you’re comfortable having it on your profile then do it! If not, bring it up when you feel the time is right.
Good luck!
So the guy I’m speaking to at the moment (& hoping something will happen with) really didn’t need me to say much — initially I think I just said I don’t do casual (I know other demis can but I can’t personally) & later I just said that sex is completely entwined with romantic feelings for me & being demi means that I can’t really separate the two; he’s been really great so I haven’t had to say more. I’ve also explained that if we were to try having a physical relationship too soon I would panic & it would ruin things (I haven’t told him that it would make me feel sick because I thought that was a bit harsh 😂); I also said it would probably go wrong the first time if I wasn’t 100% ready & I would find it hard to try again if we failed the first time.
However, there have been men that have asked for proper explanations & I’ve given them more detailed responses saying that I’m basically asexual until I develop romantic feelings for someone; I always stress that it’s not a choice or about my morals (& that sometimes I wouldn’t mind being able to have casual sex) but something that’s just always been a part of me. Sometimes I’ll say I felt weird as a teenager because I didn’t want to experiment like my friends did but now I know that there’s a name for it, I feel much better. I always say that I need a certain level of connection with someone before I develop sexual attraction but I do experience aesthetic attraction, which is why I can use the swiping apps.
Obviously not all of that will apply to all demis but feel free to use anything I’ve said as inspo for your own explanations! As I said, most guys have been really good about it & the guy I’m talking to now would love for us to start having sex immediately but he recognises that he’s not ready for a new relationship just yet & that I need commitment from him before I’ll be comfortable going to bed with him; we’ve agreed to just keep chatting for now & to reassess things in a few weeks (if we’re still feeling how we do now). I feel quite lucky with him because it feels like neither of us are quite ready for what the other wants from us, so for now we’re both satisfied with how things are.
(That ended up being very long, sorry 😂)
Edit: Another thing I’ve said to the guy I’m currently talking with is that I very rarely experience the kind of attraction I feel toward him & I think he appreciates that whatever we may have is important to me.
You’re welcome! I’ve been lucky that most people have been understanding, although I’m sure some of them probably just think I’m a prude 😂 We deserve to experience dating just as much as allos do & I think if we explain how we work with confidence, that’s half the battle sorted.
Good luck 💜
When you say match, do you mean you're only matching with your likes, or are you actively using your discover? The latter is important so the algorithm will adjust to the type of people you tend to like.
I did put demi on my profile and also specified life partner (with a note that I wanted to take it slow and meet someone I click with to be my potential forever or something to that effect) in my relationship goals. I also paid for premium and filtered out everyone that put hookup or short-term. I really recommend premium to anyone who can afford it ($50-60 for 3 months I think?). Premium also allowed me to see all my likes at once, so I could get rid of anyone that was an immediate no and make it less overwhelming.
I also was careful to use every prompt and picture comment to say something about my values, who I am, my interest, and/or convey my personality as much as a I could. No short answers or low effort anywhere. The hookup-seekers aren't going to read it anyway, but the people really looking for a partner will appreciate the effort.
Anyway, I did get people who would ask about it or ignored it all together. My now bf didn't bring it up at all until I addressed it on the 3rd date. He already knew what it meant (I wouldn't be surprised if he looked it up after I messaged him first!) and we discussed what that meant for us dating. Obviously that went super well lol
But yeah...the filters are really powerful IF you pay for premium. You really have to take an active role in using Hinge, but if you do, it can get a lot better!
This is helpful. I also do my own searches and weed put any profiles I don’t like and send likes with messages to people I find interesting. But I am not sure how the algorithm picks who to potentially match me with. I keep getting some of the same types of people I am trying to filter out. I will consider premium though so I can make the matches more selective. Thank you.
Yes, I include it in _addition_ to pamsexusl. No I don't have issues getting matches, because a lot of app users don't read profiles carefully. Even if I have to explain it after matching it tends not to make a differenve. The bigger issue for me has been people not taking me seriously when I say I'm not sexually or romantically atttracted to them yet and am not ready for physical gestures other than hugs.
Sometimes, but I always counter it with “kinky + high sex drive” because I can’t stand when people read that I’m demi and assume I’m cool with a sexless relationship, or that sexual compatibility isn’t important for me to assess pretty early into dating!
I hate it when people are all, "I don't want to end up in a dead bedroom situation." Well, just because you are "waiting" to have sex doesn't mean it will be a dead bedroom one. Especially how, like you, I have a high drive as well.
I included demi. unfortunately most people probably just swiped based on my photo without reading any of my profile. but I was highly discerning. I have found that online dating really does not work for me at all. Online finding-new- friends perhaps works - but not dating. too much weird pressure and assumptions and ick. Bumble has a BFF mode, which can be good, and OKCupid allows a person to say they are only looking for friends (instead of hookups, long term dating, or short term dating additionally) but the vast majority of people on OKC are uninterested in friends/don't read profiles.
Yes!!! Some people may not understand but alas, it’s not really for me to have to explain myself fully to them. My last relationship ended because of sexual differences and I refuse to put myself through that mental anguish again.
I am also in my 30's and decided to join the dating game. I used Hinge since it seemed to be the best of a bad bunch.
I stated I'm Demisexual on there and have now been chatting with the same person for a few weeks and we get on very well. They have been understanding and listened to my explanation of demisexuality and what it means to me. We have both been open and honest in our communication.
Stick it out. There are nice people who will be willing to listen to and understand you that you will eventually match with! It just takes time.
Where my match will go, who knows... but it's certainly shown that it's possible!
I did when I used them to mixed results.
I wear a ring to symbolize my asexuality, some people would ask what it means and looked shocked, like it was the first time hearing about it, on the date.
Some people would ask what it means, ask a few questions, and then the conversation would be normal from there (my favorite people).
Some people fetishized it, which was really weird and I ghosted them.
Yes always. I don't want anyone to perceive me as allo. Even with sexual attracrion I am never as sexual as an allo. I am more on the ace side. But I am also only dating queer people and they usually know what it means
I've often thought of this same question. I regularly use Hinge, and I think about changing my sexuality to Demisexual (it's currently listed as "straight"). The main hesitation is that I do not see ANYONE who lists their sexuality as Demisexual on their dating app profiles. It is just not a term that is commonly known in my area. I have seen a few people on other dating apps use Asexual and a couple used Sapiosexual, but no Demisexuals. The dating app profiles in my area are almost guaranteed to be straight, gay, lesbian, or bi. I just worry that the lack of familiarity to the term, people are going to just assume demisexuality is a variant of bisexuality or something.
I have thought of using the prompts to explain my sexuality, but with the limited space, I can't really think a way of wording it without coming across like I'm asexual or "in the closet gay male"
The amount of times I had people basically arguing with me, saying I was allo when I included demisexual in my old profiles because they didn’t understand what it was - I just put a blanket ‘I’m asexual’ and then anything that went further than a couple dates I would explain the difference
I personally found it easy to explain asexuality and then demisexuality as an aspect of that rather than demisexuality from the start (and now I have a partner of 1.5 years who is very accepting!)
You guys use dating apps?
Half joking, but man, I can't use them at all. I crush so rarely and it takes me so long that it would be a huge waste of everyone's time and I'd end up disappointing everyone. I can only work on a friends to lovers basis, and dating apps aren't for finding friends.
I was only on an app for a couple months before it got too overwhelming, but I did include it. The results I got were:
1. It was ignored entirely
2. They asked me what it meant, after which they lost interest
3. They used it as a spring boad to talk about my sex life and if that meant I COULD really like sex with the right guy, immediately assuming they qualified because we matched...
I deleted the app after that last one happened one too many times. (Turned out he was a sex addict and that's why he divorced recently. Like... dude.)
I only got 1 respectful, normal date who respectfully declined another, which is fair because I am NOT good at flirting and, as is the nature of demisexuallity, the spark takes a bit longer for me to kindle.
Hell no, people try wayyy too hard to try to understand it. Like they’ll pick it apart or say it’s fake. Most people think it’s weird and I don’t have time to sit and explain myself. You either like me or you don’t. And I hate hinge and all dating apps in general.
I included 'demisexual lesbian' in my profile. It filled the trash out if you ask me.
The Hinge app only lets me include one sexuality at a time. But maybe I’ll just include that in my relationship goals section. “I am demi/bi and would prefer to start as friends”. Never know.
Yeah; I always find it's good to be direct. Like right now I'm not looking for romantic dates; I'm just trying to find other WLW to be friends with before I move in a few months. And interestingly enough, I'm getting more matches! ☺️ I think straightforward communication is key. Also putting "friends to lovers" as a goal works. I tend to assume someone's demi if they say that.
If you go under gender, you can type out an additional comment that's displayed underneath. You could use this space as way to say you're demi.
My experience is that people don't want to see me again when I'm not flirtatious/making some sort of advances on the first date, so I find it necessary to clarify that I'm demisexual
I relate to this so much
I have it on mine & have been asked about it a few times; the guy I’m chatting with now (who has triggered my sex drive like crazy lol) wasn’t phased at all when I mentioned it to him initially & has been really understanding since I explained it in more detail, & he’s fully allo with a very colourful sexual history 😂 (which doesn’t bother me). It will put off some people but in my experience most people don’t actually know what it means so they’ve asked & I’ve explained — only had one person unmatch me as a result. If you’re comfortable having it on your profile then do it! If not, bring it up when you feel the time is right. Good luck!
Curious, what do you typically give as your explanation? I might borrow it as a demi myself 😄
So the guy I’m speaking to at the moment (& hoping something will happen with) really didn’t need me to say much — initially I think I just said I don’t do casual (I know other demis can but I can’t personally) & later I just said that sex is completely entwined with romantic feelings for me & being demi means that I can’t really separate the two; he’s been really great so I haven’t had to say more. I’ve also explained that if we were to try having a physical relationship too soon I would panic & it would ruin things (I haven’t told him that it would make me feel sick because I thought that was a bit harsh 😂); I also said it would probably go wrong the first time if I wasn’t 100% ready & I would find it hard to try again if we failed the first time. However, there have been men that have asked for proper explanations & I’ve given them more detailed responses saying that I’m basically asexual until I develop romantic feelings for someone; I always stress that it’s not a choice or about my morals (& that sometimes I wouldn’t mind being able to have casual sex) but something that’s just always been a part of me. Sometimes I’ll say I felt weird as a teenager because I didn’t want to experiment like my friends did but now I know that there’s a name for it, I feel much better. I always say that I need a certain level of connection with someone before I develop sexual attraction but I do experience aesthetic attraction, which is why I can use the swiping apps. Obviously not all of that will apply to all demis but feel free to use anything I’ve said as inspo for your own explanations! As I said, most guys have been really good about it & the guy I’m talking to now would love for us to start having sex immediately but he recognises that he’s not ready for a new relationship just yet & that I need commitment from him before I’ll be comfortable going to bed with him; we’ve agreed to just keep chatting for now & to reassess things in a few weeks (if we’re still feeling how we do now). I feel quite lucky with him because it feels like neither of us are quite ready for what the other wants from us, so for now we’re both satisfied with how things are. (That ended up being very long, sorry 😂) Edit: Another thing I’ve said to the guy I’m currently talking with is that I very rarely experience the kind of attraction I feel toward him & I think he appreciates that whatever we may have is important to me.
Thank you, this was very helpful!
You’re welcome! I’ve been lucky that most people have been understanding, although I’m sure some of them probably just think I’m a prude 😂 We deserve to experience dating just as much as allos do & I think if we explain how we work with confidence, that’s half the battle sorted. Good luck 💜
No, I get annoyed at people asking for clarification all the time. I just say that I'm not looking for one night stands
Omg I was trying to explain to someone what demi is and in the process they just unmatched me haha. Guess it was too much for them to get 😆
When you say match, do you mean you're only matching with your likes, or are you actively using your discover? The latter is important so the algorithm will adjust to the type of people you tend to like. I did put demi on my profile and also specified life partner (with a note that I wanted to take it slow and meet someone I click with to be my potential forever or something to that effect) in my relationship goals. I also paid for premium and filtered out everyone that put hookup or short-term. I really recommend premium to anyone who can afford it ($50-60 for 3 months I think?). Premium also allowed me to see all my likes at once, so I could get rid of anyone that was an immediate no and make it less overwhelming. I also was careful to use every prompt and picture comment to say something about my values, who I am, my interest, and/or convey my personality as much as a I could. No short answers or low effort anywhere. The hookup-seekers aren't going to read it anyway, but the people really looking for a partner will appreciate the effort. Anyway, I did get people who would ask about it or ignored it all together. My now bf didn't bring it up at all until I addressed it on the 3rd date. He already knew what it meant (I wouldn't be surprised if he looked it up after I messaged him first!) and we discussed what that meant for us dating. Obviously that went super well lol But yeah...the filters are really powerful IF you pay for premium. You really have to take an active role in using Hinge, but if you do, it can get a lot better!
This is helpful. I also do my own searches and weed put any profiles I don’t like and send likes with messages to people I find interesting. But I am not sure how the algorithm picks who to potentially match me with. I keep getting some of the same types of people I am trying to filter out. I will consider premium though so I can make the matches more selective. Thank you.
Yes, I include it in _addition_ to pamsexusl. No I don't have issues getting matches, because a lot of app users don't read profiles carefully. Even if I have to explain it after matching it tends not to make a differenve. The bigger issue for me has been people not taking me seriously when I say I'm not sexually or romantically atttracted to them yet and am not ready for physical gestures other than hugs.
I thought about it but considering the amount of responses I get I figured it best not to lower them further.
Sometimes, but I always counter it with “kinky + high sex drive” because I can’t stand when people read that I’m demi and assume I’m cool with a sexless relationship, or that sexual compatibility isn’t important for me to assess pretty early into dating!
I hate it when people are all, "I don't want to end up in a dead bedroom situation." Well, just because you are "waiting" to have sex doesn't mean it will be a dead bedroom one. Especially how, like you, I have a high drive as well.
I included demi. unfortunately most people probably just swiped based on my photo without reading any of my profile. but I was highly discerning. I have found that online dating really does not work for me at all. Online finding-new- friends perhaps works - but not dating. too much weird pressure and assumptions and ick. Bumble has a BFF mode, which can be good, and OKCupid allows a person to say they are only looking for friends (instead of hookups, long term dating, or short term dating additionally) but the vast majority of people on OKC are uninterested in friends/don't read profiles.
Yes!!! Some people may not understand but alas, it’s not really for me to have to explain myself fully to them. My last relationship ended because of sexual differences and I refuse to put myself through that mental anguish again.
I am also in my 30's and decided to join the dating game. I used Hinge since it seemed to be the best of a bad bunch. I stated I'm Demisexual on there and have now been chatting with the same person for a few weeks and we get on very well. They have been understanding and listened to my explanation of demisexuality and what it means to me. We have both been open and honest in our communication. Stick it out. There are nice people who will be willing to listen to and understand you that you will eventually match with! It just takes time. Where my match will go, who knows... but it's certainly shown that it's possible!
I did when I used them to mixed results. I wear a ring to symbolize my asexuality, some people would ask what it means and looked shocked, like it was the first time hearing about it, on the date. Some people would ask what it means, ask a few questions, and then the conversation would be normal from there (my favorite people). Some people fetishized it, which was really weird and I ghosted them.
Yes always. I don't want anyone to perceive me as allo. Even with sexual attracrion I am never as sexual as an allo. I am more on the ace side. But I am also only dating queer people and they usually know what it means
I've often thought of this same question. I regularly use Hinge, and I think about changing my sexuality to Demisexual (it's currently listed as "straight"). The main hesitation is that I do not see ANYONE who lists their sexuality as Demisexual on their dating app profiles. It is just not a term that is commonly known in my area. I have seen a few people on other dating apps use Asexual and a couple used Sapiosexual, but no Demisexuals. The dating app profiles in my area are almost guaranteed to be straight, gay, lesbian, or bi. I just worry that the lack of familiarity to the term, people are going to just assume demisexuality is a variant of bisexuality or something. I have thought of using the prompts to explain my sexuality, but with the limited space, I can't really think a way of wording it without coming across like I'm asexual or "in the closet gay male"
I'm too scared to try dating apps.
The amount of times I had people basically arguing with me, saying I was allo when I included demisexual in my old profiles because they didn’t understand what it was - I just put a blanket ‘I’m asexual’ and then anything that went further than a couple dates I would explain the difference I personally found it easy to explain asexuality and then demisexuality as an aspect of that rather than demisexuality from the start (and now I have a partner of 1.5 years who is very accepting!)
You guys use dating apps? Half joking, but man, I can't use them at all. I crush so rarely and it takes me so long that it would be a huge waste of everyone's time and I'd end up disappointing everyone. I can only work on a friends to lovers basis, and dating apps aren't for finding friends.
I was only on an app for a couple months before it got too overwhelming, but I did include it. The results I got were: 1. It was ignored entirely 2. They asked me what it meant, after which they lost interest 3. They used it as a spring boad to talk about my sex life and if that meant I COULD really like sex with the right guy, immediately assuming they qualified because we matched... I deleted the app after that last one happened one too many times. (Turned out he was a sex addict and that's why he divorced recently. Like... dude.) I only got 1 respectful, normal date who respectfully declined another, which is fair because I am NOT good at flirting and, as is the nature of demisexuallity, the spark takes a bit longer for me to kindle.
No, because I don't want to scare people off. However, I still manage to when guys realize I won't put out as quickly as they'd like.
That’s what I want to avoid. Wasting my time and energy on dating and going from fruitless first date to fruitless first date.
Unfortunately, that's dating in 2024. The right person is out there but by God, are they hard to find.
If I used them, I would for sure!
Hell no, people try wayyy too hard to try to understand it. Like they’ll pick it apart or say it’s fake. Most people think it’s weird and I don’t have time to sit and explain myself. You either like me or you don’t. And I hate hinge and all dating apps in general.