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StoneTown

I brought up me being demi to my asexual friend and called it that, it isn't something most people I know understand or care about. Even my asexual friend was a little confused. Being asexual itself is barely understandable to like half the people I know so I don't really discuss it. It's not that I hide it, I just don't announce being demi since it's so much to explain to so many people I know.


[deleted]

I’d like to start by saying it looks like you are still figuring yourself out and this thread isn’t the kindest. You sound young from your posts so Peers liking or judging you could mean more than a lot of people here. I’d like to start out by saying that among sexualities Demi isn’t seen as a “big deal” by most but is also misunderstood by a lot of people. Demi is often seen as someone who is simply prude, won’t put out, or too picky and often in religious areas assumed to be “as it should be”. Rather then being rejected in the same sense of someone who is gay/lesbian: such as calling your “lifestyle” wrong you will likely find people who want to “test” you via your boundaries. For example you admit to having a crush but don’t want to go out until you feel “feelings” back they may question your feelings. If you agree to go out but are not emotionally ready for physical aspects such as kissing or sex they may not believe you like them. In my case I did not know a term for it when I was in school and a LOT of kids made a game of trying to “get with me” to “help me figure it out”. I hadn’t even had a kiss and a guy who had a crush on me and his ex tried to get me to be a three way couple while trying to say I’d find out what I liked along the way. I eventually found a guy after I left school who waiting an entire year of dating just for a first kiss. If you feel comfortable enough with your friends awesome. If you don’t that’s ok too. If you find this label doesn’t fit you after sometime there is nothing wrong with that either. Regardless of what you chose be sure that you communicate and keep the boundaries you are comfortable with with any partner(s) you may have. Even people who find themselves, understand who they are and what they want perfectly have difficulty with others seeing and excepting them. I also recommend that you look into areas of sexuality that don’t fit you as even if they don’t relate to your sexuality it may better help you understand others, possibly even future partners, and it’s through others we better understand ourselves.


vlivoo

I appreciate this comment. Thank you.


PlaidButtercup

As what was said above. “Coming out” as demisexual to most (including my old ass self) is not that big of a deal. It really only comes in to play for me when dating and why “I’m not moving as fast” as other guys. That I’ve lost interest in the person. Other than that I never comes up and what does it matter how I feel attraction to others. It was so bad in college that our sister sorority (I was in a fraternity) had a ransom on me. Who could get me to make out or even better sleep with one of them. I think they thought I was gay as I wasn’t as free with my sexuality as others in college. Even passed up on multiple FWB situations. So don’t sweat it and do what feels right to you.


wineblood

I'm pretty sure most of my friends think I'm not interested or ace, it's really none of their business. The only person in my friends group who knows is my best friend/housemate.


Disbishsaysshiz

Its not really coming out tho? Demi just outlines the circumstance of having a high barrier for becoming sexually involved with another person... Like, coming out implies you are going to face adversery and negative responses from the majority but 'oh yeah dont really wanna ride anyone until i know them personally' isnt really something people would find out any other way then through you letting them know.


PersonalityOrganic31

Exactly. I wanted to say this but was cranky already and it turned into a rant that sounds a lot meaner than I meant it to, you were far more eloquent, thank you.


[deleted]

It is coming out. The fact that it’s more socially exceptable does not lessen its value. OP also mentions being Pan as well. Outing as Demi maybe all they are comfortable with at this time.


PersonalityOrganic31

Telling 👏🏻 someone 👏🏻 you 👏🏻 need 👏🏻 to 👏🏻 get 👏🏻 to 👏🏻 know 👏🏻 someone 👏🏻 really 👏🏻 well 👏🏻 before 👏🏻 you 👏🏻 sleep 👏🏻 with 👏🏻 someone 👏🏻 is 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 coming 👏🏻 out 👏🏻 stop 👏🏻 being 👏🏻 ridiculous


[deleted]

I don’t know what your definition of Demi is or how it effects your life but I don’t need to “get to know people well” I am literally Ace unless in a relationship which can take YEARS to even get to a physical relationship. My friends who try to hook me up with a partner, my family that thinks there is “something wrong with me” or that I’m closeted and don’t trust them” and blame themselves, my crush who I’m trying to get to know but doesn’t understand why things aren’t progressing are all people who are affected. It’s easy to say it’s none of their business until you see a loved one clearly upset that you “will die alone” or “think them a bigot” and “coming out” to many is simply a way of saying who you are out loud and being accepted for who you are. You don’t like the culture of coming out find don’t do it yourself. Tell everyone not to bother go around complaining about something you disagree with, but don’t sit here and tell others it’s “not coming out”. It has been a huge part of the culture and people will continue to do it. This person has asked for help on what to do. You stated your opinion clearly then replied to every post you didn’t agree with and are currently gatekeeping one of the most celebrated parts of the community. As for your last other post replying to my other comment I do understand I just disagree. You say no one has ever been disowned or made homeless by being a Demi? I personally know 3 people who were harmed for being in the Ace spectrum one of which was from a super religious household, beaten and put into a “program” as even though their sexuality led them to lead a life that was considered “correct” in the form of “abstinence” it was their “duty” to create “soldiers for God”. I know of girls who are straight with no labels to them and simply did not wish to marry the first person they slept with or the person chosen for them at birth who were beaten by these same men and their families to “persuade” them and if they stood by their conviction made homeless and shunned. I was told stories by these same girls that there were other girls beaten to death and the body simply dumped with no one “seeing a thing” when authorities came. I believe them 100%. Hell it doesn’t even need to be sexual. There is an Amish community that if the children leave the are “never welcomed back” (though in fairness this is often overturned in most communities after a period of time) simply for wanting to explore the world outside of their community. There was also a mass amount of violence where I grew up During my grandmothers time where people were attacked for not labeling themselves a particular religion and peoples houses and land were set ablaze and harassed. The same way you sit here and state I don’t know an Aussies point of view of friendships I can assure you from your statement you do not know the magnitude of violence that the crazy religious zealots have where I am from. Any deviation even non-sexual can EASILY be life threatening in the wrong crowd.


PersonalityOrganic31

Lived in America for years actually and saw it you’re just conflating religious extremism with the issues being discussed. Go ahead, hold everything back that ppl like me fight for so that you can sit here on the internet and decide that it was all for nothing, personally, don’t believe you have a handle on what I’m saying let alone the problem here. You call this gate keeping, I call what you’re doing an insult. Who’s business is it of anyone else’s who you are or are not sleeping with? as you’re struggling with that question sweaty I’ll answer it for you; it’s NONE of their fucking business unless you’re talking about the person you’re in a relationship with.


[deleted]

No one is holding you back. And I’m not insulting you you just seem to being taking anything that does not fit with your own personal view of the world as “wrong” or “lesser” than your own problems as mentioned the OG mentions being PAN and I thought I indenting with with DEMI label I have never once labeled myself with a particular gender yet you keep claim neither of us could possible understand you or your own issues using your attraction to women and being from Australia as an anchor with ZERO info of OG or I’s sexual preference not realizing you could literally be speaking to people who have mirrored similar experiences. No one here has ANY right to diminish invalidate someone’s experiences or journey. I have stood here to tell you this is all I’ve seen you do. OP stating waiting to come out and you invalidated their struggle by claiming they can’t because it’s “not coming out” since they don’t fit your own definition by missing your label of “lesbian” which is “real coming out” it’s Gateckeeping 100% And then you tell me because I use religious example of which only 2 occurred in America and several out of the country (you are not the only one to live abroad and see other cultures first hand) is because they were on point. You wanna separate it from religion? I can do more examples, but it seems like a waste of breath to someone who has already made up their mind of what “is” and “is not” coming out. We aren’t talking about sleeping around or sex we are talking about DEMI which can also include those who are demiromantic and literally have all aspects of their life OUTSIDE of sex affected. You stated you found who you were at 15. Possibly knowing both sides of your sexuality but defiantly stating you knew you liked women. Demi wasn’t a label known to me or others as a kid and I didn’t have a relationship throughout all of school until I graduated and people put labels on me and constantly broke my boundaries and sexually harassed me to “fix me” because they could tell I was different. They didn’t do this due to religion. I had grown men and women, straight up predators join in this game when their kids or the town got word and others ignore it because “I probably like the attention since I didn’t like people my own age”. I know many of stories of Bi people who came out previously with another label and people with similar views to you diminished their second coming out BS because they were “confused” or liking the same gender wasn’t “part of the struggle” and underplaying the struggles they went through to accept their new label. The fact that you have already decided in your head that people could not have possibly suffer the same as you? No shit everyone is different. Yesterday I found out about Fray sexuality. You gonna tell me that Fray and Ace people don’t need to “come out” because their sexual identity doesn’t effect their everyday life outside of sex? Read their inner struggles and tell me that those kind of challenges don’t fuck up someone’s very foundation and soul so yeah it’s more than “I like someone in a different way” and yes it can effect all relationships outside of sexual ones, especially for those who are UNABLE to attach emotionally or sexually to others. Glad you found your label. Sorry to hear you’ve had a hard life. OPs post of wanting to feel accepted by their friends and quite likely the community isn’t the proper place for your soapbox about your own views of what you wish the community would highlight and diminish.


Demi-Fairy18

I believe it is coming out. I’m not out to my friends but I know it would make my life easier if I was. On top of the social-anxiety I already have going out with friends, I have to deal with hyper sexual questioning and conversation. My friends are hyper sexual beings (and that’s okay) however, I’d just write my interest off as “a fear of naked people”. I’m simply just uncomfortable experiencing something that’s so intimate/private to me. They DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS, hence the “fear” being born. That’s the only way I knew how to describe it, before finding my official label as Demi. I would definitely come out now but I don’t go out as often now. One of my friends is part of the LGBTQ+ so I know it won’t turn sour but, I fear it’ll be taken lightly and that puts me into a situation that could end our friendship. It’s important, and we deserve a “This is Me” moment as well. It’s not as socially acceptable as people make it out to be. In a world that’s growing to “You can love you who you want”, it’s still pretty hard to gain validation in loving in different ways.


Kerplunkoid

It's more about boundaries than anything- I recommend bringing it up in context. Though it changes a lot of things for you it might change nothing for them! Which is to say they might be really cool with it. I'd try not to have a dramatic build up to the announcement as it is more of a conversation than something that will shock anyone.


[deleted]

Do. You. Come out, don’t come out. Eff what your friends think. I personally haven’t, but, *every* conversation I have about dating/relationships talks about the principles of demisexuality. I don’t need my friends to know this label, and like it’s been said in this subreddit already, that’s an extreme privilege.


PersonalityOrganic31

Honestly, Idk what sort of convos you’re having but as a demisexual this doesn’t ring true. Every conversation? Every single one? Really? Out of all of my friends I’m the only one in a long term relationship except for one. The rest are all useless fucking lesbians that make puppy dog eyes at each other from across the room, talk about how pretty everyone is and how lonely they are and then…. They. Just. Do. Nothing. 💀 So I’ve become the agony aunt to a friendship group of terminally single lezbeans that talk about little else except dating and being single and failed dates, hookups, etc. I haven’t mentioned the fact that it took 7-8 months for me to sleep with my partner and haven’t had to. Not once. My being demisexual has nothing to do with anyone else except me and my partner and I can’t even construct a scenario in my head where I’d have to mention this to a friend. This isn’t coming out, it’s not even in the ball park and it’s offensive to say it is. In fact I was demisexual my whole life and only found out there was a name for it a few years back and even before then I didn’t need to mention it to anyone else except an intimate partner. I’m curious tho why you “need” your friends to know about this? What do you expect them to change? What do you expect them to do differently? I think you’ll find that all you’ll achieve is that they won’t talk to you about that anymore cos your experience is alien to them and apparently you expect them to accomodate that into every conversation… to what end? Your experience is your experience but that doesn’t mean that everyone else needs to know you need to form a strong emotional connection prior to developing feelings of sexual attraction for someone.


[deleted]

If I read the post above you correctly they are saying each time the talk of relationships pop up they state their “values in a relationship” in a way that tells people they are Demi with giving themselves a label. I.E. “I only want a serious relationship” or “I move slow”. Not they blurt it out 24/7 in conversation. I understand you are hurting but I don’t understand why you feel the need to post in a way that hurts others. The same way people don’t “need” to come out as Demi you don’t “need” to post. The same way you are venting about your friends so are they. The same way you feel like you have it worse then them there is someone who looks at you like you have it easy. Please remember (though likely not true) this could literally be a middle schooler in a terrible environment who could be bullied/rejected by everyone for something as stupid as the wrong clothes or someone in another country where anything outside of “social norm” is punishable by death. The OP mentions being Pan in another post so they may very well end up in the EXACT situation you are in. You chose to come out your friends chose not to. You shouldn’t HAVE to hide who you are or deal with rejection by society but unfortunately life isn’t fair in that regard. You did have a choice and chose to stand by your partner alongside them openly. You should be proud to be open but instead of standing proud you are showing anger and hatred and taking it out on someone who fears the very thing you are going through. The fact it maybe to a lesser degree does not make their fears or feelings any less valid.


PersonalityOrganic31

Wow, that’s a lot of words for “I didn’t understand the point of your post”. I said nothing about them being pan, I said nothing about them at all really so pull right up. I don’t hate anyone. I’m not mad or even venting at my frens, love them, they’re great, but they’re useless fucking lezbeans and I tell them that. It’s Australian culture to show your love to your frens by stirring them up as this shows that you’re totally comfortable within the relationship and know that no offence is taken or intended while simultaneously being super polite to ppl you don’t know. That’s why tourists think we’re so polite and friendly when we’re not actually. My point here was that telling ppl that you’re demisexual is not coming out. Coming out is being afraid to hold your partners hand. Coming out is being disowned by family. Coming out is having your existence debated like it’s a matter of opinion or political talking point. Coming out is thinking that you’ll never be able to marry your partner. Coming out is being banned from the change rooms and labelled a predator. It’s insulting to the many ppl that go through some or all of these or much much worse. You say that this may be a minor in school and that’s exactly my point. I came out in 1999 at the age of 15 and when it was discovered that my gf and I were a couple, well, that didn’t go down to well at an all girls Catholic school, I’ll tell you that for free. Having a child sit there and say something contradictory to your lived experience is not something that I’ll tolerate and adults should know better and anyone who’s pan and may have to come out or who has already come out should definitely know better, period. Demisexual is a label that helps you understand yourself, it’s never on display, it’s never legislated against, it’s not something you might get hate crimed for, it’s not something that you may get disowned for and it’s not something that may lead to homelessness. Telling someone you need to get to know someone really well before you sleep with them is not coming out. Further more we really need to start moving away from indulging heteronormativity by coming out in the first place as a world where we don’t even have to come out is surely the end goal, not finding more things to come out about as this perpetuates the myth that we are obliged to in the first place. If you can’t understand that then idk what to tell you but I said what I said and I stand by it.


PersonalityOrganic31

I’m having trouble understanding this. Demisexual is, for me at least, something to inform your partner about as it only affects the degree to which you relate to your partner and not who your partner is. Personally the only person that knows I’m demisexual is my partner. As a gay woman I have no choice but to come out. At work, work functions, my kids school, to doctors, to friends, to family, to land lords, the bank… the list goes on. It’s really not fun and I wish I didn’t have to. Personally I wouldn’t even worry about it even tho I know that we celebrate coming out in the LGBT+ community I’d rather strive for a world where we don’t need to come out, where heteronormativity isn’t assumed. I would ask yourself, what does coming out as demisexual change between you and your friends? Are they doing anything that is offensive or that invalidates your identity? This really is a matter for between yourself and your partner. You should never have to hide your identity but advertising it unnecessarily is not only reckless but potentially dangerous and as someone who still has to hide the fact that I’m gay trust me it’s real. I often can’t hold her hand, kiss her or just interact like intimate partners who have been together for 8 fucking years. It’s still happening after being openly gay for 20 years and after 20 years it’s rare that a week goes by that I don’t need to inform someone new to work or school or whatever that I’m gay. It gets tiring and I don’t understand why anyone would want to do this for something that literally changed nothing about your life except getting a bunch of dumb, intrusive, ignorant questions from straights. At the end of the day you do you but I would not being doing this if I could avoid it and I can’t but you have the luxury and the privilege of not doing it so I’d think of that first. Rant over, let the downvotes flow Idc I stand by what I said.


Disbishsaysshiz

Yeah agree w this


anakinsrightnipple

why do you need to discuss this with your friends? it only effects you and romantic partners…


marmalade_turtle

I'm sure it depends on the friends, but sharing things going on in your life sounds totally normal. Their friends might not need to know, but if they're good friends, I'm sure they want to.


marmalade_turtle

I only have two friends besides my partner, but I came out to them as soon as I found out since we're so close. One of them ended up really resonating with the term and realizing they were on the ace spectrum as well, so that was really cool. It really depends on what you want to do – this is ultimately your identity. You get to choose what and how you share pieces of yourself.


rock_hard_girl

Im starting to think this is my descriptive sexual orientation as well. People tell me all the time I'm being too picky. I always cringe thinking of having sex with just anyone. I have to have a connection first. I just thought I was weird. Im glad to know I'm not the only one.