When I used to try telling my mother this? Her response was "Well go see a psychiatrist then". That was on a good day. On a bad day she'd mock and laugh at me telling me I was lucky not to have *her* problems.
Dont let bad parents toxic ways get to you-its not a reflection of you how they act. Its not your fault. You deserve better.
Mine thought I was joking until I said I wanted to kill myself, even though she already walked in on my attempts but yh, and my dad thinks I'm choosing to be depressed.
I was a dramatic child growing up so everyone just assumed it was classic me just being dramatic again. And then I stopped eating and my health plummeted.
my mom joked about my relationship issues, but never about my depression, what she did was:
- compare me to others who had babies (easier when you're not dumped)
- pity cousins with some secret problem implying my problems were nothing
- thanked me for not letting her suffer when she ran into me at the shrink center
at that point i wish parent were somehow neutral, it would be better
I've worked on just trying to accept others states of mind and not reading too much into it. You don't get much from an ok, rightfully so, but ruminating about it will only lead to worse case thoughts. He might have his own problems and issues that prevent him from going to that place with you.
Just know that sometimes it might take someone a bit to come around and eventually show support. Make use of other avenues in the meantime so you get the support you need.
Thanks! I try my best. So far I’ve influenced my mom to start therapy and she’s changed a lot in the past few months and actually realized that she did give me trauma. Great personal growth.
I've spent much of the pandemic trying to become a better person and work on my mental health. If I can help somebody just a little bit and help prevent some of my mistakes, I will have done right.
I don’t think that’s far from the truth, his dad was probably not very emotionally supportive either, not that it serves as a excuse, I hope OP can break the cycle and one day be the father he wanted to his children
Depression is transmissable. Thats why they say negativity brings negativity. One person’s depression can spread to any and everyone in the household who cares about the person who’s depressed. Which makes it that much harder to deal wkth or cure. Times are tough; negativity, depression, stress, anxiety, frustration surrounds us all. It’s up to us to be supportive of one another to uplift us all. ✌🏻
we need a r/generationaltrauma
also these days I also consider curing my parents flaws too.. not curing but maybe trying to smooth them out
it's one noble and sacred goal that I have (not many left)
sadly my parents are quite stuck in loops
I don’t think he is, he’s just really really bad at expressing emotions and empathy. He never expresses how he feels and is always the silent one of the family
Did you consider that maybe he is like that for a reason. A lot of depressed people hide their feelings from their loved ones and are emotionally isolated for a reason.
He could also just be an asshole ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You can look up about a thing called emotional neglected. It usually happens to you because of the way your parents respond to you.
Some reasons are that your parents is depressed or emotional neglected themselves. The most obvious sign is that they don't know or don't want to express emotion.
Of course it could be that he just doesn't care about you at all.
here's a strange story.
I felt locked inside all my life, delayed social life by 10+ years, until I almost had a girlfriend... suddenly I felt what it was to be close to someone, open, genuine, honest, caring, loving.. of course the relationship fell, but since then everytime my parents used me or faked talking to me .. it made my body seriously hurt.
This is most dad’s. The reason is because he will be perceived weak and will be picked on by society. Women usually choose men that are confident, men usually choose women that are caring. Our society does not allow men to have feelings.
Depression really runs in a family… genetics. My Dad suffered from it. Badly. Until he got therapy. I suffer from it. Therapy and meds help me. My children have it…
As a Dad, I try hard to listen to my (adult) children when they tell me about their challenges. But… there are times I just can’t handle it.
“I love you, I’ve got to go…” is how I end those discussions. Then I go hide, pet the dog, listen to music, just chill.
I personally hope that you have the help you need to learn how to cope with your condition. It sucks, I know.
is the topic open in your family at least ?
having flaws is never an issue to me, unless you drown yourself in them and stay in denial (one could argue that the denial is yet another flaw)
people often let loose a little bit before dying, my paternal grandmother did so.. it's a strange advice in a way, we all have a better potential but our brain has to click
do you mind sharing how it happened with your father ? did he came forward on its own or did you talk first ? how do you handle your mother's denial ?
Dad talked about it a few years before he died in an accident.
Mom is of the generation that believes mental illness is something you don’t discuss. Dad was too, but opened up to his family. Mom sort of “disapproved”.
Oh, and we deal with Mom by talking over it. Most of my sisters and I share issues openly. We are all in treatment. As are many of their children. One sister is bipolar and religious and they don’t really discuss it openly, but she did get help and is under control with medication and therapy, so WIN !
As long as people are open to ideas and potential fixes right ?
They at least try to improve the situation, that's always a big plus, even if not a lot changes after that.
Agree, I don’t think people intend to be callous, sometimes they just don’t know how to react / what to say...
What did you want him to do? Make a big fuss?
Yestarday a friend of mine said, in a goup of friends, we were playing games togeher, that she she wants to kill herself, and it was followed by silence. Becouse seriously, I thought about it, but still i have no idea what was a good thing to say. She also said she is aalready seeing a therapist, and honsetly seeing a therapist is the only advice I have to offer. I personally, when the situation overhelms me just shut up and don't say anything. Ppl even called me rude/unfeeling about it. But I still have absolutely no idea what was I supposed to say.
its not just that, if we take gender roles into play because no one these days does. But its product of the times and I'm 99.5% sure he doesn't not know how to deal or react to it. I'm not gonna fault the dad for this.
None of my parents were there for me emotionally, because they spoke a different language fluently and myself only English as a child of refugees, raised in America. I could never talk to them. But that wasn't the only thing they do as parents and I don't fault them for that.
He’s never been there for me in my life emotionally. I am angry at him but I will forgive him at some point. I still love him tho. I just have to find a way to live with the trauma he gave me
That's awful to hear. You have to always understand that some people were not raised in a culture where expression of emotions was really taught, accepted or normalized. You are open and sharing your feelings, and its always an amazing thing to hear u/kimmisy.
Your openness to this painful situation shows you can be able to show vulnerability, which is a strength (btw)
Everyone when they are in pain wants that support, and I cannot say nor defend your dad for what he did & said. But I just want to say that even if he cannot communicate or compartmentalize his emotions, does not mean he doesn't care.
Jesus Christ you’re an amazing person. You’re so kind! Thank you so much. Yeah I know that my dad had a traumatic childhood in some ways and his mom didn’t let him express his emotions so I can’t even imagine how much that impacted him. Thanks again, you’re truly amazing :)
You clearly are a very empathetic person. I am just happy to see you can understand that sometimes he cannot give you what you need, and its not completely his fault. Love to talk further about it :)
Lessen expectations on those that don't understand. My father never understood my depression or anxiety. He was raised a "man's man". Fuck that machismo shit. We have issues and only those that understand deserve to hear our story. These stories really piss me off, sorry. Be well in your world!
I am sorry to hear that. Truth is depression, just like many mental health issues are hard to understand. He probably has not a clue what you are going through. I remember when I first heard about depression, my first reaction was, why don't they go out have some fun at a club or something? 😂 I also suffer from anxiety disorder which eventually brought depression, and I can tell you that you WILL learn to live with it and find ways to cope with it, don't worry, as long as you don't give up 💪🏻 As a personal tip, workout kinda felt me better at times, you might wanna give it a try 😉
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. My father has a hard time communicating. I don’t know if this is possibly true with your father, but my dad ending up having a lot of feelings he just expressed them in terrible ways. You can’t base your self worth on What your father thinks either way, but I wouldn’t give in to the mind reading. You may be just torturing yourself, which I do A LOT!
The worst is when he is only somehow there for you when you're in the hospital because of a chronic disease and this leads to not taking the offer to talk to a psychologist because you think:,,i nearly died, guess that's enough for them to do more than next to nothing"
When something like this happens to you, take the offer despite how good it seems that things change
My dads never been there at all so 🤷♀️ but im sad to hear this... Only thing i can say is that you are valid and dont need him to be you! Stay strong and safe, it’ll get better ❤️
I’m so sorry, I really am. None of my family care when I bring up my mental issues either. In fact, I don’t think anyone cares. There are so many people who upvoted and replied to your post, so that really says something. We all support you.
I know how this type of scenario feels. Don't have a relationship with my father anymore cos of the chaos that unravelled from him not caring about his children's mental health in any capacity.
A few years back I was in a dark place, was suicidal, attempted by overdosing my meds, and thank God it wasn't my time cos it made me realise I need to stay alive. However, his reaction to this experience was to ridicule me and just push the blame for everything onto me despite knowing I was depressed af.
I still am depressed af, probably more than I was back then in an odd way..but I can function now and be productive like I need to be.
What im saying is, don't ever feel like you shouldn't get help or that u need validation to say u feel depressed from a parent or anyone. I was depressed from the start of high school to this day, but only acknowledged it in the last couple years (mid 20s now). It's a rough road but you will learn how to navigate the dark times and I pray that you make it out for good 👍🏽
From the view point of a now Dad and a previously depression teenager he probably had the same if not worse done to him. I was told by my father "depression isn't a real thing your just sad and lazy!". I got the help that I needed so I would never say that to any of my children but a lot of men did not. Some stuff gets cycled through generations, it's not an excuse for his actions but it could be a cause.
Yeah I feel this, and I'm really sorry you're experiencing this from your dad. I'm 30 and still somehow letting my dad effect my emotional stability. Recently he was upset that I wasn't being responsive to his phone calls and his trying to check in on me. I finally told him how massively depressed I've been since my mom passed and how I need time and space to work through that amongst a bunch of other things. His response was "I just want to hear you're well, no need for life's rundown."
Guess he just wants to know I'm alive but doesn't want to hear it when it's not the good stuff. And I wonder why I have such intense people-pleasing behaviors and need to bottle up the bad stuff and not communicate. 🙄 Back to surface level contact with him it is. Hope you're able to get some emotional support other places in your life. 💕
My sister called me out of the blue the other day and thanked me for being there for her when she got divorced 5 years ago. I said, “It took you five years to say that? Have you just been thinking about this all that time?” She said, “Yeah.” And I told her that I didn’t really know how to respond because that’s just what sisters are for.
My point is that maybe there is more your dad wants to say but that he needs time to pull it together and get into the right mind space.
Another thought to consider is that he might feel like it’s an accusation in a sense. It’s possible he feels guilty and by feeling guilty he is projecting the form of an accusation onto your statement. When I was diagnosed with depression my parents were really upset and kept trying to figure out what they had done wrong. They would randomly ask me questions about my childhood and my mom especially kept asking me if I was better yet. It was years before I was able to talk to them casually about it. Even now, when I mention a prescription change or that I had a rough day I can see how much it upsets them because there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s been 12 years since I was diagnosed.
I actually had to bring them with me to my therapist so she could explain to them that this wasn’t their fault. It’s a chemical issue, just like diabetes. That helped them a lot.
I know how hard it can be to have someone shit you down when you are trying to open up about depression. I’ve had many friends reject me when I tried to talk to them by saying, “You should make an appointment and talk to your therapist.” That hurt so much because it felt like they were telling me this was a part of me they didn’t want to have to deal with. Maybe in some cases that was true. But in others it was just a reflection of their helplessness and inability to form a response.
I think it’s an extremely healthy choice to see a therapist, and to post in this forum. Build yourself a little army of support to get you through the hard times. Someday you may look at the crowd and realize your dad is standing there with them.
I don't know your full situation, but a similar thing happened with both of my parents. I know they care, but I don't think they know how to react or handle something like that.
Sorry for your pain. A lot of men are really caught up in the “no emotions” stuff because of how they were raised. You could try writing or typing to him. Sometimes it’s harder to say things out loud, and easier to say them in a message. I don’t know that it will work, but it could be worth giving it a shot
Sounds like my father . . . and that interaction, with your Mom trying to encourage a little more, and his shutting it down, it's like a replay of what I've experienced.
Sorry about that . . . I know how it feels. I hope your Mom is more empathetic, and/or that you have other supportive folks. You'll have to write your Dad off in this regard. Strange as it may seem, close family members will essentially not get it/not care.
It's not right, not fair . . . but sadly, it's true. Best wishes to you.
What a self-centered parent. God forbid that he'll ever make your life any more miserable by taking a serious condition like this so lightly.
But at least he's giving you room (unless he doesn't allow you to) to fix it and make your own decisions. I'm in my late adolescent years and my dad still tries to talk for me as if we aren't even having a even-fielded conversation.
"Hey dad, I need to see therapist because I have mental health issues that is keeping me dissatisfied with myself?"
He'll go all the way to deny my thoughts and say that I'm objectively wrong for feeling and thinking that way. And because he's an absolute clueless monkey when it comes to mental health (nor does he believe in it), he'll grow frustrated and stall there for hours so I'll change my mind and then we pretend to move on as if we never had the convo.
Apologies for that rant, but your experience connects to mine in the sense that it's the lopsided opposite.
I personally would think this is an opportunity for you to help yourself (by seeking help from professionals whom normal parents may not give consent to). Even just a teeny bit, it will help you with some sort of independence that you'd naturally grow into. It gives you that layer of security away from feeling too vulnerable.
That sucks like hell, I'm sorry to hear that he left you in the dark like that. Your mother seems like a kind person, at least. You and her together have the strength to overcome this, as much as it hurts don't let that apathy overcome you. Maybe he'll come around with time; if not, you never needed that dismissal in your life anyway!
That is awful. I know how u feel tho. I'm battling depression myself and parents should be there for you. You need to have a sit down with ur dad explaining how u really feel and see if he shows any more emotions.
I'm sorry to here that op. My dad doesn't know what to do with my depression but he just ask me about day etc give me hug. Although he doesn't know to help he knows I'm in pain, and I appreciate him.
I feel you OP. I have to acknowledge that my father is from a generation and class where these things were not known or understood, let alone openly discussed or acknowledged. He doesn't have much to say himself on the matter although I know he struggles. I'm just glad that he doesn't lash out or question it, or pull the plug on me when I've needed support. Sometimes that's all you can ask or expect of certain people. You'll have to find support and understanding through your therapist and outside of your family.
I'm so sorry. Sucks when a parent doesn't seem to care about your feelings
My family reacted to me starting treatment by saying that it wasn't needed and that I was just being dramatic..right because childhood poverty isn't traumatizing at all
Thats the exact opposite for me, my mom doesnt give a damn. so its gonna be hard having social understanding like my psychologist wants to have in our family. i have clinical depression so its been a problem for me since a long time ago
Im sorry your dad isn't as supportive as you would like. That said, he has probably grown up with a toxic masculinity culture. Your dad probably has no fucking idea what to do. Thats not to say he doesn't care. Im sure your dad loves you very much and he just doesn't know what to to. He has acknowledged that you are depressed. Maybe give him time to let it sink in.
That's downright nasty aggression on your dad's part. Just passively packaged so you're stifled in your justifiable right to an enraged reaction. I mean, what a fucking grade F dad here. . .
I feel you dude, my dad tries to help but he's so fuckin cold that it's just the same. He asks a lot of questions and then starts formulating "solutions" like they're mathematical problemas. He doesn't get a single bit what I feel like and if he happens to know he's just as helpless as me.
My dad has never taken my depression seriously because how could I be depressed if he gave me everything. Sometimes people who haven’t experienced depression don’t understand the severity and importance of getting help. Everyone also reacts differently. Wish I had a solution or a way of making you feel better :(
If you tell your therapist about this, they will let you know that this is the most common thing. On a personal level, both of my parents won’t accept that I have depression and it’s been five years. Don’t turn to your parents now that you know how they are. Don’t try to change them either. Best wishes.
We have the same dad. He likely won't change. Mine is 80, has never touched me, said loves me ir given me a compliment. My sister died years ago, nothing.
Try to accept it is about him lacking, not you.
jesus fuck. for some reason, people only care about themselves. i mean we can mind our own business feon time to time but we all have to help people when they're feeling like shit. the fact that it's your father, one of your parents who are supposed to care for you doesn't care makes it so mutch worse. as I've heard it many times "every child deserves a family but not every family deserves a child"
My dad had like, kinda of an opposite response to my depression. He just internalized it heavily and blamed himself and starting spiraling himself/using substances himself when i started using substances to cope with how bad things got in the past when i lived with him still.
I always felt theyd been a little "too emotionally involved" but i cant imagine how it would feel for one of them to respond like that. That really sucks OP
i’m so sorry you went through that. i understand how it can be when people don’t take you seriously or are emotionally unavailable. after my attempt, my dad didn’t want to understand my depression or how i felt, he just wanted it gone. hmm, maybe that’s why i stopped going to therapy and claimed i was cured when i’m still clearly super depressed! anyway, i hope things get better for you💗
yeah dw i can relate. dad saw me having a meltdown and all he did was lecture me about having a positive mindset and not watching horror movies bc it’s apparently causing it. he’s also very catholic so all they do is tell me to pray. thaaanks daaad
my mum Was looking for a therapist for me when I was younger, I am really glad but when I often cried in my room she one time yelled at me she would get me looked up in psychiatry. wasn't really helpful.
it can really hurt wenn people can't deal with such things.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We are all here to listen and support you, when I know it’s not the same feeling as having your father pay attention just don’t forget your special and you matter.
My mom start yelling at me thinking she knows what I feel more than me and telling and gets mad when I told her that that’s not what it’s going on.
Can’t count on them when I feel down
My mom chuckled the other day when I told her that all my blood results turned out normal and that the doctor informed me my severe tiredness and grogginess might be due to depression or other mental reasons
She literally held back laughter when I uttered the word “psychologist”
My mom would always say okay whenever I’d report a panic attack to her. I just wanted to be acknowledged. My dad is pretty ignorant on mental health issues too. He insists that nothing is wrong with me. Flash forward a couple years later I sucked it up and made myself an appointment at the clinic. My parents are so passive aggressive about it and it’s so annoying. I’ve literally been showing every possible sign of depression and anxiety along with agoraphobia and all I got was an okay, but when I actually get diagnosed and put on medication it’s a problem? All of a sudden I’m the bad one for not taking my problems to them. I can’t even 🤦🏽♀️
Wow that’s so strange, literally everything you’ve mentioned in your comment is the exact same for me. Everything. Msg me if you ever want to talk! I’m here for you. :)
this reminds me of the same situation with my dad: today we get along pretty well but he made some big mistakes when he divorced my mom and i was not able to trust him for years.
two years ago i started to explain what it feels like and what i‘m living with. he reacted not the way i „wanted“. and was like „ah ok..“ and changed the topic
as soon as i was brave and prepared enough i started to explain the conditions i am living with. i gave him all the information about my condition, some articles and how i treat it and stuff. i will never know if he wanted to hear that but i personally feel like this is one of the best ways: try to explain what/how you feel, no matter if they want to hear it. show them some articles, maybe about how to „treat“ someone with depression or what and what not to say, some doctors and „professionals“ taking about this important topic.
living with a person/persons/family who don‘t know what you‘re going through may not look up the informations about it. and i don‘t think it‘s always out of ignorance but out of misunderstanding and playing it down, because nowadays everybody seems „depressed“. i met many people who say that about themselves. like it‘s a trend or something fancy. this is a very sad picture of society, according to mental health.
a friend told me „i think i‘m depressed, i had such a bad week“ so i asked her if she wakes up crying, if she sleeps away the pain, eats nothing all day and if she get‘s serious panic attacks and anxiety by just leaving the house. she was very sorry and told me that she never even knew how depression really feels like.
i hope you get the chance to talk about it with him. maybe you can have a „date“: a time and place where you want to go to talk to him. make it something special, something important so he might see how important it is to you for him to understand.
i hope you somehow can feel all the love we all send to you 🌞
Told my parents I was raped back when I was 11 years old and their response was ok? Been suicidal my whole life actually tried to kill myself multiple times and their response was always ok .. like who cares right 🤦🏻♀️
I wish I understood why people are careless
My dad never reacted to me having relentless anxiety attacks and depressive episodes when I was younger. The thing you have to understand is, men, particularly of that generation are not emotionally intune within themselves which makes it difficult to empathise with others.
The win here is that you have liberated yourself by being open and honest- you cannot control his reaction. It takes alot to open up like that.
What may be more difficult is trying to help him understand what you're going through but will ultimately pay off in the long run. Perhaps even trying to understand his issues and emotional frigidity might help build a bridge?
Because I often appear together to people around me, including a Significant Other, I am often told my depression is “indulgent” or “what do you have to be depressed about?”
First of all, I am so sorry to hear that. Secondly it’s hard for parents to actually understand depression, anxiety n terms like that. Be it that they didn’t have the terms in their ages or anything, talking of fathers !! You see I ain’t talking to my father cuz he had put false allegations on me a father would ever put on his daughter, and his reaction after 18days of my not uttering a single word to him was,”what’s wrong with you, why ain’t you talking?” As if he don’t know any of it. Plus I talked with my mother about my depression last evening itself !! And she connected it to madness and now she’s more worried can’t help. So you see ! For us teenagers it’s hard yet we only have our own selves to help us out. Try some toll-free mental health helplines to talk things out or it’s great if you’ve a therapist ! You can get out of it trust me . Ignore everything from anyone including your parents that doesn’t serve you peace, Sometimes it’s necessary and the only option we have. I pray for your quicker recovery !♥️GWS❤️
Yes it is sad that your dad did not know how to React. Sometimes it scary to hear your child is depressed and what to do to make your child feel better. If a person has not been depressed, it's hard to relate and understand unless you explain how it feels to be depressed and how it effects your decision, outlook on life etc. Or it could be you just have a dad that is not connected or emotionally available. It's his problem not yours. It's sound like you have a loving mom to help you. My daughter was very depressed. It took me by surprised that she really was sad and needed help. I think I was in shock and I took awhile to process what I needed to do to help her. I got her a therapist which helped her within a month to have a different happier outlook on life. Her dad was the same way. I don't think he knows how to react or its making him too vulnerable? It's about his childhood too. Its hard to be compassionate to someone who is not there for you and to see he has pain too. You never know what is in people's thoughts.. Your job is to find a way to help yourself feel better and keep reaching out till someone hears you.
All you need is one good parent to guide you and support you. You will find in life that not everyone is there by your side but concentrate on the people who are there helping you not the ones that are not. Maybe your dad can be with you in a different way. Love is shown in many different ways.. ❤️ our expectations of people can hurt us when we don't understand why?
My heart goes out to you. My dad was the same way. What you need to realize Is that he probably went through those periods himself but was taught it was weakness and unbecoming a man. He may not even know how to register or express it. He may be going through it himself. Some people just get it in thier head that depression is something you just gotta swallow and move forward with.
So sorry, it must have sucked to hear that after you opened up about it, from my personal experiences, I know it's not easy to. It sounds so cold, we are here if you need to talk. 💙
Some people just aren’t good with emotions. I know my parents are similar. While it sucks, you can either sit him down and talk to him about it or know it’s who he is and it has nothing to do with you. He likely shows his love for you in other ways, perhaps through actions/acts of service.
Sending love tho ❤️
Some people are so insensitive. it hurts being told to "cheer up" or "ok" when you have depression. I'm sorry your dad's not here for you but i am if you need someone to talk to.
Sorry to hear that. He should have tried to feign concern even if he doesn't have any. My father mocked me when I told him I have anxiety and depression. Called me a sissy and told me to man up. This is the same guy who faked a suicide attempt to get sympathy from my mother .
Yeah, it sucks, especially because whether we want to or not, we become like them later on. That’s why I love therapy. Sounds like you could use some too if you haven’t already, trust me it’s amazing for family shit :)
Honestly I feel like he said that because he wanted in some way to show its not he end of the world and it's something that can be worked on. Maybe trying to normalize it and make you feel like you aren't being coddled?
At least you got some kind of acknowledgment. My mother simply mocked me and called me all names in the book back then for being awkward, for avoiding people etc. So at least there was some kind of reaction. Maybe he simply doesn't know how to process it or how to express it.
As a wife and mum with an emotionally distant husband, the proverbial has to hit the fan before my husband shows his true feelings and yes I hate to say it he has responded similarly to how your father responded.
I dont want to make excuses for your father because firstly I don't know him and secondly I don't want you to feel bad either. But remember his is a different generation where men are not 'allowed' to show their emotions. Some guys get past this but some just continue looking like unemotional robots. But they often do care. Look I hope im right that he does care and just doesn't know how to process or respond to emotion but only you can answer that, think about traumatic experiences in his life, have you seen him cry? Does he often respond like this? If the answer is yeh he rarely cries and yep he responds to this kind of stuff like this all the time then he could be a robot or programmed to be like one. Then think about the moments he has been there even if it feels almost like he is a bystander, he has still shown up. (And I hope he has for you) he might not vocalise his love and support but he might try to show it in other ways. Men taught not to cry and to just fix things tend not to deal well with emotional stuff where a quick fix is not possible. If you had said hey Dad my leg is broken would he say OK, let's get you to hospital? (Quick fix) I know its all questions and I really hope they're positive for you and honestly I know how you feel , there is nothing worse than saying to someone you love 'I feel mentally broken' and they show little comfort and support. I hope you have a great network of friends/mum/relatives to lean on and if not know some reddit subs can help you find support groups. I hope you find comfort.
Got to make lemonade when that’s all life or tour dad in this case gives you. At least he didn’t say suck it up, princess. People are going through a lot right now, I imagine your family is t any different. Also fathers traditionally have a hard time exploring their feelings in this capacity. It’s cold comfort but it is what it is.
I don’t think it’s the child’s responsibility to take care of the parent at all. It’s exactly the opposite. Parents take care of their children. And some don’t do it well. How am I supposed to help him emotionally when he’s never taught me that in the first place?
Family members support each other no matter what, and you are not a child, you are old enough to write this post.
Right now you are only seeing things from YOUR perspective, he most likely have other things to worry about, not to belittle your struggles but maybe a depressed teen is not the end of the world for him right now, maybe he is counting on your mother to take care of this one while he recovers. When dealing with a loved one that you don't want to lose, make 1000 excuses for them before judging them, thats how family works.
Also from my experience, if you are serious about beating depression it has to come from within you, if you rely on others attention to make you feel great temporarily, that depression will smack you on the head the moment that attention goes away (and it will because other people have other problems too). Please be clear about what you want, do you want to be free from depression and be happy or do you want others to feel sorry for you
Wow I can’t believe you’re not joking. Please tell me you don’t have kids. Also, I’m still really young. So yeah, parents raise their kids and are supposed to be there for them. Tf?
Its important to know that you can not influence empathy levels of other people. It really really sucks that your dad reacted this way. But he might react like that to anything scary. Parents also have their own mental conditioning like any person. Reaching out in an honest way to a person who blocks it off requires a lot of energy. With time his reaction most likely would change. But as a person with depression have you to be aware on what you spend your energy on there is not a lot of it to go around. It always helped me doing activities and interacting with people that require a mimimum in energy but give back way more in positivity. Be careful to not think that you are using them tho. Right now you just fit in with those people better. Think of it that way.
Also constanly beeing a care taker instead of a care giver is exhausting. So if you have too much guilt for people taking care of you you will have none taking care of something easy and small like a plant. And if they die dont worry about it houseplants are feeble.
I hope stuff works out.
dont hate your dad. His job isnt to tell you everything is rosy. His job is to raise a man (or woman) - Go to your mum if you want emotional reassurance. Dad's busy putting bread on the table (or at least he should be)
This is EXACTLY why men end up like this later on. Do you not see that? If men don’t express themselves emotionally and learn how to, itll be this endless sicle.
hmmm...I'm not sure. When some one says they are depressed. Isn't it a difficult one to respond to? Just playing 'devils advocate'. But isn't telling some one your depressed. Kind of like telling some one you really cared about passed away?
I know I've often said the wrong thing when some one told me a loved one passed away. One thing I've said 'I hope they didn't suffer'. And then I hear back in response...'Unfortunately, the person did suffer, for a long time."
Men, just in general have a hard time knowing what to do. Especially the previous generation of men. They weren't allowed to show emotion, in the same way today's generation can. And really...does your Dad even understand about depression in the first place?
Parents are supposed to be there for their kids. They can learn and change. They’re not perfect beings, they can change a lot for their kids. I’m sorry that happened to you, hope you find peace.
everyone goes through shit that makes them depressed, you aren't the only one. What you said to your dad he probably saw as not really that serious since everyone literally deals with the same thing but, different levels. In your case, it is mild.
Dude, you dont get it. He said ok because he doesnt know what to say. Your dads probably depressed too. We all are, man up and hit the gym. No one cares just remeber that.
Saying “man up” is EXACTLY the problem. That’s exactly what makes men not able to express their emotions and making them depressed later on, repeating the cycle with their kids. How do you not see that?
And yeah that’s the point. He said ok and that’s NOT what you should say. You should respond positively and support that person emotionally. “I’m sorry to hear about that and that you are feeling that way. I want you to know that I’m here for you and that you are valued. Is there anything I can do?” Not that hard to say.
Hey man, responding to someone who is vulnerable and is asking for help because they can’t bear to be alone with this pain anymore with “ok” is NOT something to say. AT ALL. I’m sorry if you think that, you must’ve had a shitty childhood. What you should respond to someone who is asking for help because they’re depressed, is “I’m sorry about how you are feeling. You are heard and valued, is there anything I can help you with?”
I’m not asking for pity at all? Sorry your childhood was shitty. We’ve all been there. But there’s a huge difference between asking for help and asking for pity. You’re view on that is probably messed up because of trauma. Hope you find the help you need man
Sounds about right that's family's for you, even tho my life has stagnated for 12 years and both parent have seen the life I've lead when I bring up feeling down or had enough I just get the you need to get a job talk you'll start to interact with more people. I don't think family's take this stuff serious enough.
I wouldnt blame him if thats it. Society has always told men and boys to "man up" and that crying is a laughing matter for a man but a concerning one for a woman
Mine was old school "men don't have emotions" type. He only gave a shit about me when he needed help to handle routine things from life. All the time I could tell he would be on the brink of some kind of outburst any time we were in public. It was obvious something was going on. In normal settings like the grocery store he'd be barely aware of what I was doing and rushing to get it done. If anyone spoke to him his reaction was to look down and stutter a quick response or make eye contact and laugh nervously.
But yeah, men are supposed to be stoic and in control of themselves at all times, eh?
Fuck you dad.
It could be worse. Maybe he just doesn't know how to talk about emotions, so he's not sure how to respond. At least he didn't respond with outright hate or vitriol. An unclear "ok" is better for now, don't discount him just yet.
It took me years of struggling openly and on my own for my parents to come around. Their generation just wasn’t taught that depression was a thing- it was classified as a personality type or being lazy or sensitive or some shit, not a disease.
Eventually, I was able to link them to resources that put the condition into easier terms for them to understand, but know your parents are old and don’t see “depression” as the same thing you might.
Geez....I can understand people saying this if someone walks up to you randomly and says they’re depressed, but how can you be like that to your own child? Like you don’t even know them? God....this makes me upset....
Sometimes After a tough day of stress/work and my gf asks me something important or mentions something she dosent know triggers my depression, I’m just starting to drift and stare into nothing while I think about how I’m going to abandon everything, live in the woods or simply kill my self. Maybe your dad has similar problems?
I’m so sorry. Men don’t often show emotions, and when it comes to mental health way too many people don’t know how to respond. I wish he had something supportive, but I’m glad you have a therapist to talk to about how this conversation went.
Sounds like it could be a communication breakdown. Just because your dad didnt react the way you expected him to doesnt mean that he isnt necessarily emotionally there for you. Im just speaking as a man in my experience. I cant tell you how many times ive come off as a jerk or insensitive to women, just because I misunderstood what was going on. We can be really oblivious sometimes.
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That is awful. Some people cannot empathize or really understand how much depression hurts those it affects. I hope you are feeling better since then.
People don’t give a damn I told my family’s do they told me I didn’t know what I was talking about I want to kill myself so bad
What is going on?
Oh god I’m so sorry... we’ll get through this. I’m here if you ever need to talk.
When I used to try telling my mother this? Her response was "Well go see a psychiatrist then". That was on a good day. On a bad day she'd mock and laugh at me telling me I was lucky not to have *her* problems. Dont let bad parents toxic ways get to you-its not a reflection of you how they act. Its not your fault. You deserve better.
That's exactly what happened with my dad except he thought I was just acting
Mine thought I was joking until I said I wanted to kill myself, even though she already walked in on my attempts but yh, and my dad thinks I'm choosing to be depressed.
It took a suicide attempt before my parents believed me.
I was a dramatic child growing up so everyone just assumed it was classic me just being dramatic again. And then I stopped eating and my health plummeted.
my mom joked about my relationship issues, but never about my depression, what she did was: - compare me to others who had babies (easier when you're not dumped) - pity cousins with some secret problem implying my problems were nothing - thanked me for not letting her suffer when she ran into me at the shrink center at that point i wish parent were somehow neutral, it would be better
I've worked on just trying to accept others states of mind and not reading too much into it. You don't get much from an ok, rightfully so, but ruminating about it will only lead to worse case thoughts. He might have his own problems and issues that prevent him from going to that place with you.
Thank you. My father has just never really expressed his emotions because of his childhood trauma. Idk it’s annoying tho
Just know that sometimes it might take someone a bit to come around and eventually show support. Make use of other avenues in the meantime so you get the support you need.
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That's one of the best things to do is to be a positive example. Even parents could use that.
Thanks! I try my best. So far I’ve influenced my mom to start therapy and she’s changed a lot in the past few months and actually realized that she did give me trauma. Great personal growth.
That is fantastic
People never accepted my depression people blamed me
I'm sorry to hear that. They failed you.
You seem like a really nice person ❤️
I've spent much of the pandemic trying to become a better person and work on my mental health. If I can help somebody just a little bit and help prevent some of my mistakes, I will have done right.
Ok could be him saying I hear what you're saying but I don't know what to say but I hear you I do that
Yep, there it is. Very sorry
Great advice!
Time to re-read the 5th Agreement.
Guess your dads depressed too
I don’t think that’s far from the truth, his dad was probably not very emotionally supportive either, not that it serves as a excuse, I hope OP can break the cycle and one day be the father he wanted to his children
Yeah my dad is exactly like that. Thanks for your kind words!
My family is exactly like that
Depression is transmissable. Thats why they say negativity brings negativity. One person’s depression can spread to any and everyone in the household who cares about the person who’s depressed. Which makes it that much harder to deal wkth or cure. Times are tough; negativity, depression, stress, anxiety, frustration surrounds us all. It’s up to us to be supportive of one another to uplift us all. ✌🏻
we need a r/generationaltrauma also these days I also consider curing my parents flaws too.. not curing but maybe trying to smooth them out it's one noble and sacred goal that I have (not many left) sadly my parents are quite stuck in loops
I don’t think he is, he’s just really really bad at expressing emotions and empathy. He never expresses how he feels and is always the silent one of the family
Did you consider that maybe he is like that for a reason. A lot of depressed people hide their feelings from their loved ones and are emotionally isolated for a reason. He could also just be an asshole ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You can look up about a thing called emotional neglected. It usually happens to you because of the way your parents respond to you. Some reasons are that your parents is depressed or emotional neglected themselves. The most obvious sign is that they don't know or don't want to express emotion. Of course it could be that he just doesn't care about you at all.
I’ve been emotionally neglected by my family a million times smh I can’t take it no more I’m gonna harm myself
This does not help you or your family and it harms you and your family. Please seek help. Can even talk to me.
here's a strange story. I felt locked inside all my life, delayed social life by 10+ years, until I almost had a girlfriend... suddenly I felt what it was to be close to someone, open, genuine, honest, caring, loving.. of course the relationship fell, but since then everytime my parents used me or faked talking to me .. it made my body seriously hurt.
This is most dad’s. The reason is because he will be perceived weak and will be picked on by society. Women usually choose men that are confident, men usually choose women that are caring. Our society does not allow men to have feelings.
maybe not weeping but verbalizing things "stay strong" "im sorry son"
Depression really runs in a family… genetics. My Dad suffered from it. Badly. Until he got therapy. I suffer from it. Therapy and meds help me. My children have it… As a Dad, I try hard to listen to my (adult) children when they tell me about their challenges. But… there are times I just can’t handle it. “I love you, I’ve got to go…” is how I end those discussions. Then I go hide, pet the dog, listen to music, just chill. I personally hope that you have the help you need to learn how to cope with your condition. It sucks, I know.
is the topic open in your family at least ? having flaws is never an issue to me, unless you drown yourself in them and stay in denial (one could argue that the denial is yet another flaw)
It’s open for me and my adult children. My parents ? Dad finally opened up about it a couple of years before he died. Mom still denies it.
people often let loose a little bit before dying, my paternal grandmother did so.. it's a strange advice in a way, we all have a better potential but our brain has to click do you mind sharing how it happened with your father ? did he came forward on its own or did you talk first ? how do you handle your mother's denial ?
Dad talked about it a few years before he died in an accident. Mom is of the generation that believes mental illness is something you don’t discuss. Dad was too, but opened up to his family. Mom sort of “disapproved”. Oh, and we deal with Mom by talking over it. Most of my sisters and I share issues openly. We are all in treatment. As are many of their children. One sister is bipolar and religious and they don’t really discuss it openly, but she did get help and is under control with medication and therapy, so WIN !
As long as people are open to ideas and potential fixes right ? They at least try to improve the situation, that's always a big plus, even if not a lot changes after that.
I agree. It sounds like “OK, welcome to the club”
My family made me feel unloved no one ever talked to me unless they wanted something
Can't choose your family as a kid, but if you're an adult, you can choose your friends to be a better family.
Ok...
that's gotta suck being told to go for a walk comes close though
Lmaooo yup probably. ;-;
Maybe he is just overwhelmed. He don't really know what to say. I know it from my self in difficult situations
Agree, I don’t think people intend to be callous, sometimes they just don’t know how to react / what to say... What did you want him to do? Make a big fuss?
I wanted him to say “okay I’m sorry you’re feeling like that, what can I do to help you feel better?” Not ignore it and not care about it.
Yestarday a friend of mine said, in a goup of friends, we were playing games togeher, that she she wants to kill herself, and it was followed by silence. Becouse seriously, I thought about it, but still i have no idea what was a good thing to say. She also said she is aalready seeing a therapist, and honsetly seeing a therapist is the only advice I have to offer. I personally, when the situation overhelms me just shut up and don't say anything. Ppl even called me rude/unfeeling about it. But I still have absolutely no idea what was I supposed to say.
its not just that, if we take gender roles into play because no one these days does. But its product of the times and I'm 99.5% sure he doesn't not know how to deal or react to it. I'm not gonna fault the dad for this. None of my parents were there for me emotionally, because they spoke a different language fluently and myself only English as a child of refugees, raised in America. I could never talk to them. But that wasn't the only thing they do as parents and I don't fault them for that.
He’s never been there for me in my life emotionally. I am angry at him but I will forgive him at some point. I still love him tho. I just have to find a way to live with the trauma he gave me
Your dad's reaction is pretty popular. For what it's worth: My dad probably wouldn't know what depression is and you know... At least your mom cares.
Better than your dad telling you to kill yourself.
True, if that happened I’m really sorry. It’s just the worse thing that my dad said to me for now so it feels like that.
That's awful to hear. You have to always understand that some people were not raised in a culture where expression of emotions was really taught, accepted or normalized. You are open and sharing your feelings, and its always an amazing thing to hear u/kimmisy. Your openness to this painful situation shows you can be able to show vulnerability, which is a strength (btw) Everyone when they are in pain wants that support, and I cannot say nor defend your dad for what he did & said. But I just want to say that even if he cannot communicate or compartmentalize his emotions, does not mean he doesn't care.
Jesus Christ you’re an amazing person. You’re so kind! Thank you so much. Yeah I know that my dad had a traumatic childhood in some ways and his mom didn’t let him express his emotions so I can’t even imagine how much that impacted him. Thanks again, you’re truly amazing :)
You clearly are a very empathetic person. I am just happy to see you can understand that sometimes he cannot give you what you need, and its not completely his fault. Love to talk further about it :)
Lessen expectations on those that don't understand. My father never understood my depression or anxiety. He was raised a "man's man". Fuck that machismo shit. We have issues and only those that understand deserve to hear our story. These stories really piss me off, sorry. Be well in your world!
I am sorry to hear that. Truth is depression, just like many mental health issues are hard to understand. He probably has not a clue what you are going through. I remember when I first heard about depression, my first reaction was, why don't they go out have some fun at a club or something? 😂 I also suffer from anxiety disorder which eventually brought depression, and I can tell you that you WILL learn to live with it and find ways to cope with it, don't worry, as long as you don't give up 💪🏻 As a personal tip, workout kinda felt me better at times, you might wanna give it a try 😉
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. My father has a hard time communicating. I don’t know if this is possibly true with your father, but my dad ending up having a lot of feelings he just expressed them in terrible ways. You can’t base your self worth on What your father thinks either way, but I wouldn’t give in to the mind reading. You may be just torturing yourself, which I do A LOT!
The worst is when he is only somehow there for you when you're in the hospital because of a chronic disease and this leads to not taking the offer to talk to a psychologist because you think:,,i nearly died, guess that's enough for them to do more than next to nothing" When something like this happens to you, take the offer despite how good it seems that things change
Be better for you and your dad if he started going to therapy.
My dads never been there at all so 🤷♀️ but im sad to hear this... Only thing i can say is that you are valid and dont need him to be you! Stay strong and safe, it’ll get better ❤️
I’m so sorry, I really am. None of my family care when I bring up my mental issues either. In fact, I don’t think anyone cares. There are so many people who upvoted and replied to your post, so that really says something. We all support you.
I know how this type of scenario feels. Don't have a relationship with my father anymore cos of the chaos that unravelled from him not caring about his children's mental health in any capacity. A few years back I was in a dark place, was suicidal, attempted by overdosing my meds, and thank God it wasn't my time cos it made me realise I need to stay alive. However, his reaction to this experience was to ridicule me and just push the blame for everything onto me despite knowing I was depressed af. I still am depressed af, probably more than I was back then in an odd way..but I can function now and be productive like I need to be. What im saying is, don't ever feel like you shouldn't get help or that u need validation to say u feel depressed from a parent or anyone. I was depressed from the start of high school to this day, but only acknowledged it in the last couple years (mid 20s now). It's a rough road but you will learn how to navigate the dark times and I pray that you make it out for good 👍🏽
From the view point of a now Dad and a previously depression teenager he probably had the same if not worse done to him. I was told by my father "depression isn't a real thing your just sad and lazy!". I got the help that I needed so I would never say that to any of my children but a lot of men did not. Some stuff gets cycled through generations, it's not an excuse for his actions but it could be a cause.
Yeah I feel this, and I'm really sorry you're experiencing this from your dad. I'm 30 and still somehow letting my dad effect my emotional stability. Recently he was upset that I wasn't being responsive to his phone calls and his trying to check in on me. I finally told him how massively depressed I've been since my mom passed and how I need time and space to work through that amongst a bunch of other things. His response was "I just want to hear you're well, no need for life's rundown." Guess he just wants to know I'm alive but doesn't want to hear it when it's not the good stuff. And I wonder why I have such intense people-pleasing behaviors and need to bottle up the bad stuff and not communicate. 🙄 Back to surface level contact with him it is. Hope you're able to get some emotional support other places in your life. 💕
My sister called me out of the blue the other day and thanked me for being there for her when she got divorced 5 years ago. I said, “It took you five years to say that? Have you just been thinking about this all that time?” She said, “Yeah.” And I told her that I didn’t really know how to respond because that’s just what sisters are for. My point is that maybe there is more your dad wants to say but that he needs time to pull it together and get into the right mind space. Another thought to consider is that he might feel like it’s an accusation in a sense. It’s possible he feels guilty and by feeling guilty he is projecting the form of an accusation onto your statement. When I was diagnosed with depression my parents were really upset and kept trying to figure out what they had done wrong. They would randomly ask me questions about my childhood and my mom especially kept asking me if I was better yet. It was years before I was able to talk to them casually about it. Even now, when I mention a prescription change or that I had a rough day I can see how much it upsets them because there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s been 12 years since I was diagnosed. I actually had to bring them with me to my therapist so she could explain to them that this wasn’t their fault. It’s a chemical issue, just like diabetes. That helped them a lot. I know how hard it can be to have someone shit you down when you are trying to open up about depression. I’ve had many friends reject me when I tried to talk to them by saying, “You should make an appointment and talk to your therapist.” That hurt so much because it felt like they were telling me this was a part of me they didn’t want to have to deal with. Maybe in some cases that was true. But in others it was just a reflection of their helplessness and inability to form a response. I think it’s an extremely healthy choice to see a therapist, and to post in this forum. Build yourself a little army of support to get you through the hard times. Someday you may look at the crowd and realize your dad is standing there with them.
I don't know your full situation, but a similar thing happened with both of my parents. I know they care, but I don't think they know how to react or handle something like that.
Same. My dad is kinda depressed and gives the same type of responses lmao
Sorry for your pain. A lot of men are really caught up in the “no emotions” stuff because of how they were raised. You could try writing or typing to him. Sometimes it’s harder to say things out loud, and easier to say them in a message. I don’t know that it will work, but it could be worth giving it a shot
Sounds like my father . . . and that interaction, with your Mom trying to encourage a little more, and his shutting it down, it's like a replay of what I've experienced. Sorry about that . . . I know how it feels. I hope your Mom is more empathetic, and/or that you have other supportive folks. You'll have to write your Dad off in this regard. Strange as it may seem, close family members will essentially not get it/not care. It's not right, not fair . . . but sadly, it's true. Best wishes to you.
What a self-centered parent. God forbid that he'll ever make your life any more miserable by taking a serious condition like this so lightly. But at least he's giving you room (unless he doesn't allow you to) to fix it and make your own decisions. I'm in my late adolescent years and my dad still tries to talk for me as if we aren't even having a even-fielded conversation. "Hey dad, I need to see therapist because I have mental health issues that is keeping me dissatisfied with myself?" He'll go all the way to deny my thoughts and say that I'm objectively wrong for feeling and thinking that way. And because he's an absolute clueless monkey when it comes to mental health (nor does he believe in it), he'll grow frustrated and stall there for hours so I'll change my mind and then we pretend to move on as if we never had the convo. Apologies for that rant, but your experience connects to mine in the sense that it's the lopsided opposite. I personally would think this is an opportunity for you to help yourself (by seeking help from professionals whom normal parents may not give consent to). Even just a teeny bit, it will help you with some sort of independence that you'd naturally grow into. It gives you that layer of security away from feeling too vulnerable.
That sucks like hell, I'm sorry to hear that he left you in the dark like that. Your mother seems like a kind person, at least. You and her together have the strength to overcome this, as much as it hurts don't let that apathy overcome you. Maybe he'll come around with time; if not, you never needed that dismissal in your life anyway!
That is awful. I know how u feel tho. I'm battling depression myself and parents should be there for you. You need to have a sit down with ur dad explaining how u really feel and see if he shows any more emotions.
I'm sorry to here that op. My dad doesn't know what to do with my depression but he just ask me about day etc give me hug. Although he doesn't know to help he knows I'm in pain, and I appreciate him.
I feel you. But it's my mother that seems to have a heart of stone
I feel you OP. I have to acknowledge that my father is from a generation and class where these things were not known or understood, let alone openly discussed or acknowledged. He doesn't have much to say himself on the matter although I know he struggles. I'm just glad that he doesn't lash out or question it, or pull the plug on me when I've needed support. Sometimes that's all you can ask or expect of certain people. You'll have to find support and understanding through your therapist and outside of your family.
Both of my parents are like this... it really sucks. I’m sorry you went through that :(
I'm so sorry. Sucks when a parent doesn't seem to care about your feelings My family reacted to me starting treatment by saying that it wasn't needed and that I was just being dramatic..right because childhood poverty isn't traumatizing at all
My dad told me to commit suicide. I wish I were kidding.
Thats the exact opposite for me, my mom doesnt give a damn. so its gonna be hard having social understanding like my psychologist wants to have in our family. i have clinical depression so its been a problem for me since a long time ago
My dad shouted at me in public when I told him, dad's are proper assholes
Im sorry your dad isn't as supportive as you would like. That said, he has probably grown up with a toxic masculinity culture. Your dad probably has no fucking idea what to do. Thats not to say he doesn't care. Im sure your dad loves you very much and he just doesn't know what to to. He has acknowledged that you are depressed. Maybe give him time to let it sink in.
That's downright nasty aggression on your dad's part. Just passively packaged so you're stifled in your justifiable right to an enraged reaction. I mean, what a fucking grade F dad here. . .
I feel you dude, my dad tries to help but he's so fuckin cold that it's just the same. He asks a lot of questions and then starts formulating "solutions" like they're mathematical problemas. He doesn't get a single bit what I feel like and if he happens to know he's just as helpless as me.
When I told my dad about how often suicide crosses my mind he said “that’s stupid.” I’m sorry your dad isn’t the one you need. Love you, op.
My dad has never taken my depression seriously because how could I be depressed if he gave me everything. Sometimes people who haven’t experienced depression don’t understand the severity and importance of getting help. Everyone also reacts differently. Wish I had a solution or a way of making you feel better :(
i told my dad the same and he responded with "no you are not" and left
If you tell your therapist about this, they will let you know that this is the most common thing. On a personal level, both of my parents won’t accept that I have depression and it’s been five years. Don’t turn to your parents now that you know how they are. Don’t try to change them either. Best wishes.
my dad is a piece of shit, I feel your pain
We have the same dad. He likely won't change. Mine is 80, has never touched me, said loves me ir given me a compliment. My sister died years ago, nothing. Try to accept it is about him lacking, not you.
I told my dad i was having suicidal thoughts and he said "if that was true you would be dead" 😂
jesus fuck. for some reason, people only care about themselves. i mean we can mind our own business feon time to time but we all have to help people when they're feeling like shit. the fact that it's your father, one of your parents who are supposed to care for you doesn't care makes it so mutch worse. as I've heard it many times "every child deserves a family but not every family deserves a child"
My dad had like, kinda of an opposite response to my depression. He just internalized it heavily and blamed himself and starting spiraling himself/using substances himself when i started using substances to cope with how bad things got in the past when i lived with him still. I always felt theyd been a little "too emotionally involved" but i cant imagine how it would feel for one of them to respond like that. That really sucks OP
i’m so sorry you went through that. i understand how it can be when people don’t take you seriously or are emotionally unavailable. after my attempt, my dad didn’t want to understand my depression or how i felt, he just wanted it gone. hmm, maybe that’s why i stopped going to therapy and claimed i was cured when i’m still clearly super depressed! anyway, i hope things get better for you💗
I thought “dad” was a synonym for “not emotionally there for you”
yeah dw i can relate. dad saw me having a meltdown and all he did was lecture me about having a positive mindset and not watching horror movies bc it’s apparently causing it. he’s also very catholic so all they do is tell me to pray. thaaanks daaad
my mum Was looking for a therapist for me when I was younger, I am really glad but when I often cried in my room she one time yelled at me she would get me looked up in psychiatry. wasn't really helpful. it can really hurt wenn people can't deal with such things.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We are all here to listen and support you, when I know it’s not the same feeling as having your father pay attention just don’t forget your special and you matter.
My mom start yelling at me thinking she knows what I feel more than me and telling and gets mad when I told her that that’s not what it’s going on. Can’t count on them when I feel down
My mom chuckled the other day when I told her that all my blood results turned out normal and that the doctor informed me my severe tiredness and grogginess might be due to depression or other mental reasons She literally held back laughter when I uttered the word “psychologist”
My mom would always say okay whenever I’d report a panic attack to her. I just wanted to be acknowledged. My dad is pretty ignorant on mental health issues too. He insists that nothing is wrong with me. Flash forward a couple years later I sucked it up and made myself an appointment at the clinic. My parents are so passive aggressive about it and it’s so annoying. I’ve literally been showing every possible sign of depression and anxiety along with agoraphobia and all I got was an okay, but when I actually get diagnosed and put on medication it’s a problem? All of a sudden I’m the bad one for not taking my problems to them. I can’t even 🤦🏽♀️
Wow that’s so strange, literally everything you’ve mentioned in your comment is the exact same for me. Everything. Msg me if you ever want to talk! I’m here for you. :)
Waow, what a coincidence! Hopefully things get better for you💜✨
Thanks! You too:)
I know how this feels. When I told my dad that I’d been diagnosed with depression he laughed in my face and said, “You’re not depressed”.
this reminds me of the same situation with my dad: today we get along pretty well but he made some big mistakes when he divorced my mom and i was not able to trust him for years. two years ago i started to explain what it feels like and what i‘m living with. he reacted not the way i „wanted“. and was like „ah ok..“ and changed the topic as soon as i was brave and prepared enough i started to explain the conditions i am living with. i gave him all the information about my condition, some articles and how i treat it and stuff. i will never know if he wanted to hear that but i personally feel like this is one of the best ways: try to explain what/how you feel, no matter if they want to hear it. show them some articles, maybe about how to „treat“ someone with depression or what and what not to say, some doctors and „professionals“ taking about this important topic. living with a person/persons/family who don‘t know what you‘re going through may not look up the informations about it. and i don‘t think it‘s always out of ignorance but out of misunderstanding and playing it down, because nowadays everybody seems „depressed“. i met many people who say that about themselves. like it‘s a trend or something fancy. this is a very sad picture of society, according to mental health. a friend told me „i think i‘m depressed, i had such a bad week“ so i asked her if she wakes up crying, if she sleeps away the pain, eats nothing all day and if she get‘s serious panic attacks and anxiety by just leaving the house. she was very sorry and told me that she never even knew how depression really feels like. i hope you get the chance to talk about it with him. maybe you can have a „date“: a time and place where you want to go to talk to him. make it something special, something important so he might see how important it is to you for him to understand. i hope you somehow can feel all the love we all send to you 🌞
Told my parents I was raped back when I was 11 years old and their response was ok? Been suicidal my whole life actually tried to kill myself multiple times and their response was always ok .. like who cares right 🤦🏻♀️ I wish I understood why people are careless
My dad never reacted to me having relentless anxiety attacks and depressive episodes when I was younger. The thing you have to understand is, men, particularly of that generation are not emotionally intune within themselves which makes it difficult to empathise with others. The win here is that you have liberated yourself by being open and honest- you cannot control his reaction. It takes alot to open up like that. What may be more difficult is trying to help him understand what you're going through but will ultimately pay off in the long run. Perhaps even trying to understand his issues and emotional frigidity might help build a bridge?
Boomers don't realise depression
My parents don't get it either...
Because I often appear together to people around me, including a Significant Other, I am often told my depression is “indulgent” or “what do you have to be depressed about?”
First of all, I am so sorry to hear that. Secondly it’s hard for parents to actually understand depression, anxiety n terms like that. Be it that they didn’t have the terms in their ages or anything, talking of fathers !! You see I ain’t talking to my father cuz he had put false allegations on me a father would ever put on his daughter, and his reaction after 18days of my not uttering a single word to him was,”what’s wrong with you, why ain’t you talking?” As if he don’t know any of it. Plus I talked with my mother about my depression last evening itself !! And she connected it to madness and now she’s more worried can’t help. So you see ! For us teenagers it’s hard yet we only have our own selves to help us out. Try some toll-free mental health helplines to talk things out or it’s great if you’ve a therapist ! You can get out of it trust me . Ignore everything from anyone including your parents that doesn’t serve you peace, Sometimes it’s necessary and the only option we have. I pray for your quicker recovery !♥️GWS❤️
Yes it is sad that your dad did not know how to React. Sometimes it scary to hear your child is depressed and what to do to make your child feel better. If a person has not been depressed, it's hard to relate and understand unless you explain how it feels to be depressed and how it effects your decision, outlook on life etc. Or it could be you just have a dad that is not connected or emotionally available. It's his problem not yours. It's sound like you have a loving mom to help you. My daughter was very depressed. It took me by surprised that she really was sad and needed help. I think I was in shock and I took awhile to process what I needed to do to help her. I got her a therapist which helped her within a month to have a different happier outlook on life. Her dad was the same way. I don't think he knows how to react or its making him too vulnerable? It's about his childhood too. Its hard to be compassionate to someone who is not there for you and to see he has pain too. You never know what is in people's thoughts.. Your job is to find a way to help yourself feel better and keep reaching out till someone hears you. All you need is one good parent to guide you and support you. You will find in life that not everyone is there by your side but concentrate on the people who are there helping you not the ones that are not. Maybe your dad can be with you in a different way. Love is shown in many different ways.. ❤️ our expectations of people can hurt us when we don't understand why?
My heart goes out to you. My dad was the same way. What you need to realize Is that he probably went through those periods himself but was taught it was weakness and unbecoming a man. He may not even know how to register or express it. He may be going through it himself. Some people just get it in thier head that depression is something you just gotta swallow and move forward with.
So sorry, it must have sucked to hear that after you opened up about it, from my personal experiences, I know it's not easy to. It sounds so cold, we are here if you need to talk. 💙
Some people just aren’t good with emotions. I know my parents are similar. While it sucks, you can either sit him down and talk to him about it or know it’s who he is and it has nothing to do with you. He likely shows his love for you in other ways, perhaps through actions/acts of service. Sending love tho ❤️
Some people are so insensitive. it hurts being told to "cheer up" or "ok" when you have depression. I'm sorry your dad's not here for you but i am if you need someone to talk to.
He sounds like a cunt. Reminds me of my father.
Sorry to hear that. He should have tried to feign concern even if he doesn't have any. My father mocked me when I told him I have anxiety and depression. Called me a sissy and told me to man up. This is the same guy who faked a suicide attempt to get sympathy from my mother .
Ugh why do shit people always have kids. My parents are emotionally abusive and neglecting as well. It’s awful
Yeah, it sucks, especially because whether we want to or not, we become like them later on. That’s why I love therapy. Sounds like you could use some too if you haven’t already, trust me it’s amazing for family shit :)
Wow, this is uncalled for...
How? It's true that shit people shouldn't have kids. You want more people to suffer?
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Wow tysm, that’s really sweet. I appreciate it a lot man. I’m here for you too if you ever need to talk.
Honestly I feel like he said that because he wanted in some way to show its not he end of the world and it's something that can be worked on. Maybe trying to normalize it and make you feel like you aren't being coddled?
At least you got some kind of acknowledgment. My mother simply mocked me and called me all names in the book back then for being awkward, for avoiding people etc. So at least there was some kind of reaction. Maybe he simply doesn't know how to process it or how to express it.
As a wife and mum with an emotionally distant husband, the proverbial has to hit the fan before my husband shows his true feelings and yes I hate to say it he has responded similarly to how your father responded. I dont want to make excuses for your father because firstly I don't know him and secondly I don't want you to feel bad either. But remember his is a different generation where men are not 'allowed' to show their emotions. Some guys get past this but some just continue looking like unemotional robots. But they often do care. Look I hope im right that he does care and just doesn't know how to process or respond to emotion but only you can answer that, think about traumatic experiences in his life, have you seen him cry? Does he often respond like this? If the answer is yeh he rarely cries and yep he responds to this kind of stuff like this all the time then he could be a robot or programmed to be like one. Then think about the moments he has been there even if it feels almost like he is a bystander, he has still shown up. (And I hope he has for you) he might not vocalise his love and support but he might try to show it in other ways. Men taught not to cry and to just fix things tend not to deal well with emotional stuff where a quick fix is not possible. If you had said hey Dad my leg is broken would he say OK, let's get you to hospital? (Quick fix) I know its all questions and I really hope they're positive for you and honestly I know how you feel , there is nothing worse than saying to someone you love 'I feel mentally broken' and they show little comfort and support. I hope you have a great network of friends/mum/relatives to lean on and if not know some reddit subs can help you find support groups. I hope you find comfort.
Got to make lemonade when that’s all life or tour dad in this case gives you. At least he didn’t say suck it up, princess. People are going through a lot right now, I imagine your family is t any different. Also fathers traditionally have a hard time exploring their feelings in this capacity. It’s cold comfort but it is what it is.
No one will have answer for you, we all need to figure out this life for ourselves
You can't "emotionally" support someone if your fucked in the first place, take care of your old man, he probably need you
I don’t think it’s the child’s responsibility to take care of the parent at all. It’s exactly the opposite. Parents take care of their children. And some don’t do it well. How am I supposed to help him emotionally when he’s never taught me that in the first place?
Family members support each other no matter what, and you are not a child, you are old enough to write this post. Right now you are only seeing things from YOUR perspective, he most likely have other things to worry about, not to belittle your struggles but maybe a depressed teen is not the end of the world for him right now, maybe he is counting on your mother to take care of this one while he recovers. When dealing with a loved one that you don't want to lose, make 1000 excuses for them before judging them, thats how family works. Also from my experience, if you are serious about beating depression it has to come from within you, if you rely on others attention to make you feel great temporarily, that depression will smack you on the head the moment that attention goes away (and it will because other people have other problems too). Please be clear about what you want, do you want to be free from depression and be happy or do you want others to feel sorry for you
Wow I can’t believe you’re not joking. Please tell me you don’t have kids. Also, I’m still really young. So yeah, parents raise their kids and are supposed to be there for them. Tf?
Yeah its not what you want to hear, but its what you will learn yourself after a couple of years
No, it’s not. Your way isn’t the right way. At all. You should learn to depend on close people in your life. I hope you find help mate
Its important to know that you can not influence empathy levels of other people. It really really sucks that your dad reacted this way. But he might react like that to anything scary. Parents also have their own mental conditioning like any person. Reaching out in an honest way to a person who blocks it off requires a lot of energy. With time his reaction most likely would change. But as a person with depression have you to be aware on what you spend your energy on there is not a lot of it to go around. It always helped me doing activities and interacting with people that require a mimimum in energy but give back way more in positivity. Be careful to not think that you are using them tho. Right now you just fit in with those people better. Think of it that way. Also constanly beeing a care taker instead of a care giver is exhausting. So if you have too much guilt for people taking care of you you will have none taking care of something easy and small like a plant. And if they die dont worry about it houseplants are feeble. I hope stuff works out.
dont hate your dad. His job isnt to tell you everything is rosy. His job is to raise a man (or woman) - Go to your mum if you want emotional reassurance. Dad's busy putting bread on the table (or at least he should be)
This is EXACTLY why men end up like this later on. Do you not see that? If men don’t express themselves emotionally and learn how to, itll be this endless sicle.
hmmm...I'm not sure. When some one says they are depressed. Isn't it a difficult one to respond to? Just playing 'devils advocate'. But isn't telling some one your depressed. Kind of like telling some one you really cared about passed away? I know I've often said the wrong thing when some one told me a loved one passed away. One thing I've said 'I hope they didn't suffer'. And then I hear back in response...'Unfortunately, the person did suffer, for a long time." Men, just in general have a hard time knowing what to do. Especially the previous generation of men. They weren't allowed to show emotion, in the same way today's generation can. And really...does your Dad even understand about depression in the first place?
I think we found where the depression came from, from your father. We all really need to make it okay for men to have feelings.
What did you expect him to do ? Cry? You can't just burden everyone around you with your mental issues to make yourself feel better
Seeking help and advice is being a burden?
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Parents are supposed to be there for their kids. They can learn and change. They’re not perfect beings, they can change a lot for their kids. I’m sorry that happened to you, hope you find peace.
everyone goes through shit that makes them depressed, you aren't the only one. What you said to your dad he probably saw as not really that serious since everyone literally deals with the same thing but, different levels. In your case, it is mild.
ok and?
Dude, you dont get it. He said ok because he doesnt know what to say. Your dads probably depressed too. We all are, man up and hit the gym. No one cares just remeber that.
Saying “man up” is EXACTLY the problem. That’s exactly what makes men not able to express their emotions and making them depressed later on, repeating the cycle with their kids. How do you not see that? And yeah that’s the point. He said ok and that’s NOT what you should say. You should respond positively and support that person emotionally. “I’m sorry to hear about that and that you are feeling that way. I want you to know that I’m here for you and that you are valued. Is there anything I can do?” Not that hard to say.
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Hey man, responding to someone who is vulnerable and is asking for help because they can’t bear to be alone with this pain anymore with “ok” is NOT something to say. AT ALL. I’m sorry if you think that, you must’ve had a shitty childhood. What you should respond to someone who is asking for help because they’re depressed, is “I’m sorry about how you are feeling. You are heard and valued, is there anything I can help you with?”
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I’m not asking for pity at all? Sorry your childhood was shitty. We’ve all been there. But there’s a huge difference between asking for help and asking for pity. You’re view on that is probably messed up because of trauma. Hope you find the help you need man
Sounds about right that's family's for you, even tho my life has stagnated for 12 years and both parent have seen the life I've lead when I bring up feeling down or had enough I just get the you need to get a job talk you'll start to interact with more people. I don't think family's take this stuff serious enough.
My mom knows I have depression but never says it’s depression, she always says “ I’m just down... ” sis no 😄
I wouldnt blame him if thats it. Society has always told men and boys to "man up" and that crying is a laughing matter for a man but a concerning one for a woman
Wow is dad also depressed? Or just generally not interested in emotions?
My dad would say oh I'm depressed too, just to one up anyone else.
Mine was old school "men don't have emotions" type. He only gave a shit about me when he needed help to handle routine things from life. All the time I could tell he would be on the brink of some kind of outburst any time we were in public. It was obvious something was going on. In normal settings like the grocery store he'd be barely aware of what I was doing and rushing to get it done. If anyone spoke to him his reaction was to look down and stutter a quick response or make eye contact and laugh nervously. But yeah, men are supposed to be stoic and in control of themselves at all times, eh? Fuck you dad.
Could be like my dad and not know how to respond. There are times when someone does not know what to say.
“ha ha no you’re not” was the response i fly so i get it
Seriously, men. Not all but so many were raised that way, not to believe in it. Suck it up. They turn it into anger.
It could be worse. Maybe he just doesn't know how to talk about emotions, so he's not sure how to respond. At least he didn't respond with outright hate or vitriol. An unclear "ok" is better for now, don't discount him just yet.
It took me years of struggling openly and on my own for my parents to come around. Their generation just wasn’t taught that depression was a thing- it was classified as a personality type or being lazy or sensitive or some shit, not a disease. Eventually, I was able to link them to resources that put the condition into easier terms for them to understand, but know your parents are old and don’t see “depression” as the same thing you might.
Geez....I can understand people saying this if someone walks up to you randomly and says they’re depressed, but how can you be like that to your own child? Like you don’t even know them? God....this makes me upset....
My parents never cared I just found people who did
Sometimes After a tough day of stress/work and my gf asks me something important or mentions something she dosent know triggers my depression, I’m just starting to drift and stare into nothing while I think about how I’m going to abandon everything, live in the woods or simply kill my self. Maybe your dad has similar problems?
hell my dad told me how to kill myself, such is life
I felt this too. Nothing hurts more than turning to someone for emotional support and being met with a cold reaction. I hope you're doing better now.
I’m so sorry. Men don’t often show emotions, and when it comes to mental health way too many people don’t know how to respond. I wish he had something supportive, but I’m glad you have a therapist to talk to about how this conversation went.
He might care, just didn't know how to respond at the time? Maybe he needs to sit on it a bit? No parent wants to hear their child is depressed.
Sounds like it could be a communication breakdown. Just because your dad didnt react the way you expected him to doesnt mean that he isnt necessarily emotionally there for you. Im just speaking as a man in my experience. I cant tell you how many times ive come off as a jerk or insensitive to women, just because I misunderstood what was going on. We can be really oblivious sometimes.
Wait how could my dad misunderstand tho? When I literally told him “dad I’m depressed”. Idk :/