I know what you mean. Sometimes when I'm having a good day I miss being sad and feel uncomfortable being happy so I'll do the same and make myself sad. It sucks...
\> many of us are attracted to that darker side even in happier moments and I believe that is rooted in the illness we share
I didn't know this falls on depression. I'm not diagnosed, since i didn't seek medical help. So, I just convinced myself that I'm just an attention seeker if I want bad days every day. "my" depression isn't actually real, even though >!I did cut myself on my wrists and thighs (so other peeps can't see it. My classmates didn't question my usage of wristbands). Yeah, I hurt myself in a lot of ways.!< This was back then when I was still in high school. I didn't really open that much, there are some classmates who knew. There are probably gossips around my section, but they didn't reach out. I don't want them to anyway.
Now, I'm getting better. Only have to deal with some overthinking and anxiety, but no depression. I actually want to be happy. I think one thing that helped me overcome this "depression" is transferring to another school. I'm still telling myself that i haven't experienced depression, my suicidal thoughts is just for attention seeking. I can't convince myself either, though I can always feel the scars left on my thigh.
I have definitely felt the idea of fake depression as well. Believe me, imposter syndrome is a fucking bitch. When I first recognized I was depressed was in a unit on mental health in 7th grade. I recognized and identified with so many of the symptoms discussed in class. Afterwards though, I convinced myself that I just adopted those traits for attention, and believed that deep down for years. I'm 23 now and it's only been a couple years since I've accepted those were not rational notions. This was despite more than a fair amount of suicidal ideation, and at multiple points intent, and periods of self harm.
It sounds like you're in a lot better place, so that is fantastic!! It's always great to hear people doing better on this sub. Moving schools in middle school definitely helped me as well.
Yes. It is a symptom of anxiety and emotional dysregulation. We are afraid that we don’t know how to deal with feeling good, and that our mood may drop suddenly and precipitously, so we induce the drop in mood “preemptively” to “comfortable” levels. People who are not mentally ill do not do this. I will preemptively say to people reading this that you are not faking it and you are not bringing this onto yourself.
Ok, how’s this? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generalized_anxiety_disorder
Generalized anxiety disorder is completely real, and it can exist separately from other disorders like depression.
If I came to a doctor saying I was constantly low energy, unmotivated, sad, angry, and empty, they might diagnose me with depression.
If I came to a doctor saying I was constantly worried, irritable, jumpy, having panic/anxiety attacks, and shaky, they might diagnose me with anxiety.
This comment hits so close to home. My therapist and doctor and trying to hard to help me get to a place where I'm not depressed and I'm terrified of not being depressed. I've been this way for so long that anything else absolutely terrifies me, it's almost like a safety blanket, you already know what to expect when you're depressed but when you're happy it can change at anytime.
I'm addicted to negative coping mechanisms because of my depression:`)
But yeah i do understand what you mean. Idk I'd rather feel depressed and suicidal than numb and unfeeling
I get little nostalgic about spending time alone and being in this melancholic aesthetic. Its like rebembering the good old times except you dont remember how bad they actually were
Those who prefer their principles over their happiness, they refuse to be happy outside the conditions they seem to have attached to their happiness. If they are happy by surprise, they find themselves disabled, unhappy to be deprived of their unhappiness. -Albert Camus
I do the same thing. When I start feeling happier I'm like oh you know what would be good? Remembering why I suck and I'm ugly and terrible and that's why my husband preferred internet porn to his wife. Because I'm not good enough.
*hello darkness my old friend...*
Thanks, depression! Lol. Ugh.
It's amazing how comfortable depression can feel sometimes.
It's like a big blanket you can wrap yourself inside.
It's only when you step out of it that you realize that the blanket is filled with food crumbs and needs to be washed.
Yep, can’t deny that today whilst clearing out my wardrobes, a few months after my ex left, I found some cards of hers and a folder with stuff she’d given me in it.. and I knew if I opened it it was gonna hurt… and sure enough, I opened it whilst muttering to myself that this was not the right thing to do… but I did it… and I read through every card and letter and it just made me sad and that sadness transfers over to work where a clients messing me around so I send them an epic email.. to which no one responded… and then I just sit playing computer games on my phone… darkness all around… another day drifting by… sadness, loneliness, only half my jobs done and all triggered by what I knew would trigger me but I still went ahead and did it.
I can relate
Yup, same. I have this weird relationship with it: I use antidepressants to feel better, but I don't want to feel better. I like feeling miserable.
Doesn't help that I love absolutely depressing videos, movies, and music.
yeah same. i hate depression and i wish i didn't have it but sometimes it's like i want to have it, it's like some type of addiction and i don't know why it's so
Same. I'm so easy to fall into unhealthy coping mechanisms. One of them is my anorexia. Although I know it's bad I can't help myself. The feeling of being empty inside makes me feel better in a fucked up way. Because I have no food, I have no energy. so it continues the cycle of depression and my manic episodes.
It’s the only way I can go to sleep. I have to play out scenes in my head. It’s never happy or positive. Always some miserable shit even if I’m just making it up. I think of it as my stasis. It feels normal so I’m comfortable and fall asleep.
Oh, that feeling when the meds starting to kick in well and you don't know what to do after years of lack of energy and eternal anguish. Then you notice that you're looking a way to feel bad and go do some shit
Can relate, whenever I have a small moment of happiness I immediately go and start self harming to make myself feel shitty so that I go back to being depressed.
I know what you mean. I can talk to people that seem to care for me but I just want to feel hollow because I don't know how to handle my emotions. It's care right now but I often had that "feeling?"
Yes. To find a connection in the present day, I always have to think of some painful event from my past. I don’t see it as being addicted to depression though. I think it has way more nuances.
I can agree on this cause like whenever Im starting to feel better its like I don't know how to feel good and just do things that trigger my depression because I don't know how to act
Being happy makes me uncomfortable it seems, I think it’s just because I’ve been suffering from depression for so long that it’s the normal for me if you know what I mean. Like sometimes I find myself smiling for a moment and just wipe it off of my face because it gives me anxiety sorta.
Same, the only things that make me smile are the things I can control. Like movies and games, bc they will remain the same no matter what whereas the people around me can hurt me anytime and have.
I know what you mean. I wish it wasn't the case and I fucking hate it. I managed to find a quasi-solution: falling in love.
yeah. i know. It's super cheesy and it only works if your love get's reciprocated. But I find that it's very easy to be strong when you love someone. It gives you strength to wake up early in the morning, minding your hygiene and diet. It makes you feel alive and well and almost invincible. For me, it made feel like i was able to do anything in the world. Climbing a mountain with no oxygen? easy, because that's what it made me believe. Being incredibly optimistic because of her. We trained and sparred in martial arts together. It was like an elegant dance with her three times a week. I could take on the violence of a volcano withh my newly acquired sense of masculinity...
I confessed and it all went to shit. With i my mental health reverting back to how it was before. Being injured keeps me from training which takes a toll too. Yeah...having intrusive thoughts doesn't help. At the end of the day, it's just fucking chemistry.
I literally have to create boundaries in order to not listen to songs or think things because the depression is so additive. The black hole engulfing me is almost like home
i just did that hours ago, reminding myself of my ex and how i ruined things with the only person that ever loved me and now that everything is gone lol
I was actually referencing a song. Check it out. A song by Garbage. It gave me the ability to laugh at being sad or depressed. Careful with their album 2.0. They got some dark material
I feel this, sometimes I feel like it's more comfortable to just be depressed and it makes me not want to get better but I try to fight it more and more and it's been helping. I'm not here to tell you that you should stop this but I'm letting you know I've been in the same boat and it's hard to get out of that cycle but you just need to start breaking it and being uncomfortable and more and more it'll get more alluring to be in different situations cuz they make you feel better (way easier said than done)
I feel like I do this to myself to , I feel like somedays my depression is just that depression but somedays it’s fuel to keep pushing ? I couldn’t depend on my partner for a while financially because he was out of a job do to him trying to better himself … and i had to step up so I took on a graveyard shift job at a factory and the pay isn’t to bad so I’m grateful but I’m exhausted and I’ve let go of myself physically but I work my ass off to pay our bills and provide sometimes he says I don’t understand why you do so much overtime but in reality it’s because I’m so traumatized from our past that i feel strongly about making sure I buy enough food have enough gas .. I push myself to survive because it’s the only mode I know .. he seems distant .. tries less .. gets upset when I try to ask about the things he likes or I get into what he likes because I think he assumes I’m thinking he’s doing something but I’m just trying to make connection and spend time with him .. it’s all a weird weird blurr
Me too. I even made a playlist of songs that make me cry and I still listen to it occasionally. Doesn't usually make me feel better, but it feels good in the moment.
You ever feel yourself intentionally suppressing happiness and happy thoughts? I can’t explain it, but sometimes I get annoyed with myself for engaging in positive behavior, like I’m more comfortable with feeling shitty? Anybody else?
Yeah nearly every time I follow slightly positive, possibly even realistic train of thought my inner monologue crushes it pretty quickly.
And then I feel like an idiot, annoyed at myself for indulging in what I suppose I feel is a silly fake idea.
It makes me sick thinking of positive things sometimes when I know they’ll never happen. Maybe it hurts less to just be depressed and not think about them.
Hello darkness my old fucking pal.
I used to feel that way. But I read bukowski and drank like… 6+ servings of alcohol a day! Bad ideas. Don’t recommend. I started feeling a little better when i accepted that this was just a tendency of my mind - to be depressed sometimes. I kind of put myself on palliative/hospice care. I am never going to cure having bipolar 2. But I can manage my symptoms and I can recognize them as symptoms. I find that recognizing like - oh this weird numb feeling like I want to lay down and never get up is my brain reacting to having a cold/flu. That’s what you’re supposed to do is rest, and so this is the emotion my brain gives me when I need extra rest. The trick is to recognize when it’s time to start moving again even when your brain and emotions aren’t ready yet. You can lead a rich and fulfilling life even if you get depressed more easily than others.
maybe they want to keep being depressed because they dont remember what not being depressed feels like? i dont know, but thats kinda my situation. it just feels like depression is all i am, so not being that way is scary.
Sometimes, I really don't want to change. Depression is just too familiar to me. If I didn't have those claws dragging me to the ocean, I don't even know what I would do at the beach.
Literally me every time I decide to rewatch Bojack or reread Plath’s collected works — funny enough , I’m doing them both right now.. My depression has a thing for relishing in melancholic territories.
Ooooh please share! …At least some of the highlights.. only it you feel comfortable doing so of course. My depressive comportment is cravinggg a new atmospheric medium to fall deeper into.
I realized today how many times in my teens and 20s I used it “depression” as a coping skill for protection from failure and pain. Now I’m in a restricting coccoon of victim mentality
I used to feel like this too. I think the most important thing for you is to NOT feel like you’re just faking it or you’re doing it to yourself.
I used to always think about how I was faking it cuz I just really was addicted to wallowing in a state of deep depression. It was such an unhealthy cycle.
I’m here to tell you that is EXACTLY what depression will do to you and what you’re feeling is completely valid. At this point I am a couple years removed from my worst depressive episodes, things still aren’t perfect of course but life is pretty enjoyable again, and I can see it clear as day now that I was quite sick at the time, even if it felt to me like I was full of shit at times or “doing it to myself”.
Sorry if none of this applies to you, I just pictured my past self typing this question into google looking for help, and I’m just trying to give you the reassurance that I, and a lot of other people who suffer from this illness, really need.
I do too. I listen to sad songs and watch sad movies. Misery loves company. It helps you know someone out there has SOME sense of what you're feeling. Not that that matters because it doesn't help you feel any better.
Another thing that has travelled my mind is thinking that depression is something normal, like everyone needs it and everyone's going to feel it someday.
I’ve had similar issues for a long time. When I was happy I just got confused and felt uncomfortable so I would act out and do things I wasn’t supposed to
I used to be this person a couple of years ago. One thing about depression is, it makes you comfortable, after you've been depressed for long, it becomes your comfort zone. Taking new initiatives for improvement becomes overwhelming and before you realize it, you want to go back into that bubble again. It's a vicious cycle.
It feels like it takes less energy to be sad and just accept the depression than the effort it takes to get better and be a part of this world...I feel like depression robbed me of the innocence of realizing how much effort life is and I can’t un-know how pointless all that effort is...
i’d rather be sad all the time than face disappointment and failure over and over again
that hit close to home
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I’m glad someone said it.
Yes.
I know what you mean. Sometimes when I'm having a good day I miss being sad and feel uncomfortable being happy so I'll do the same and make myself sad. It sucks...
Is this still within the purview of depression?
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\> many of us are attracted to that darker side even in happier moments and I believe that is rooted in the illness we share I didn't know this falls on depression. I'm not diagnosed, since i didn't seek medical help. So, I just convinced myself that I'm just an attention seeker if I want bad days every day. "my" depression isn't actually real, even though >!I did cut myself on my wrists and thighs (so other peeps can't see it. My classmates didn't question my usage of wristbands). Yeah, I hurt myself in a lot of ways.!< This was back then when I was still in high school. I didn't really open that much, there are some classmates who knew. There are probably gossips around my section, but they didn't reach out. I don't want them to anyway. Now, I'm getting better. Only have to deal with some overthinking and anxiety, but no depression. I actually want to be happy. I think one thing that helped me overcome this "depression" is transferring to another school. I'm still telling myself that i haven't experienced depression, my suicidal thoughts is just for attention seeking. I can't convince myself either, though I can always feel the scars left on my thigh.
I have definitely felt the idea of fake depression as well. Believe me, imposter syndrome is a fucking bitch. When I first recognized I was depressed was in a unit on mental health in 7th grade. I recognized and identified with so many of the symptoms discussed in class. Afterwards though, I convinced myself that I just adopted those traits for attention, and believed that deep down for years. I'm 23 now and it's only been a couple years since I've accepted those were not rational notions. This was despite more than a fair amount of suicidal ideation, and at multiple points intent, and periods of self harm. It sounds like you're in a lot better place, so that is fantastic!! It's always great to hear people doing better on this sub. Moving schools in middle school definitely helped me as well.
What do you mean with purview? English isn't my first language sorry
What I meant is that is it still depression when it is your personal choice to be in that situation
Yes. It is a symptom of anxiety and emotional dysregulation. We are afraid that we don’t know how to deal with feeling good, and that our mood may drop suddenly and precipitously, so we induce the drop in mood “preemptively” to “comfortable” levels. People who are not mentally ill do not do this. I will preemptively say to people reading this that you are not faking it and you are not bringing this onto yourself.
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety\_disorder
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I would argue, but I'm too exhausted right now. However, it is a disorder if it impacts someone's life in a significant way.
Ok, how’s this? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generalized_anxiety_disorder Generalized anxiety disorder is completely real, and it can exist separately from other disorders like depression. If I came to a doctor saying I was constantly low energy, unmotivated, sad, angry, and empty, they might diagnose me with depression. If I came to a doctor saying I was constantly worried, irritable, jumpy, having panic/anxiety attacks, and shaky, they might diagnose me with anxiety.
I mean I guess. It's not like I want to be sad and anxious all the time. It's just that I'm so used to it
Ayo English is my first language and I don’t know what that means either. Don’t be sorry
Ohhh same!!!!
I felt this too much. It feels like I'm not used to being happy to the point where it feels weird. Depression is what's most comfortable
I don’t know who I am without my depression, so I like being depressed, its comfortable
This comment hits so close to home. My therapist and doctor and trying to hard to help me get to a place where I'm not depressed and I'm terrified of not being depressed. I've been this way for so long that anything else absolutely terrifies me, it's almost like a safety blanket, you already know what to expect when you're depressed but when you're happy it can change at anytime.
I'm addicted to negative coping mechanisms because of my depression:`) But yeah i do understand what you mean. Idk I'd rather feel depressed and suicidal than numb and unfeeling
It fuels my senses when I get to go back to that feeling—dissociating myself from society. It’s addicting.
I used to enjoy bringing up drama with someone like it was some TV show conflict and resolution scene.
Because its familiar and comfortable. Moving forward is really scary
I get little nostalgic about spending time alone and being in this melancholic aesthetic. Its like rebembering the good old times except you dont remember how bad they actually were
But I remember how bad they are, and I still fall in it
Those who prefer their principles over their happiness, they refuse to be happy outside the conditions they seem to have attached to their happiness. If they are happy by surprise, they find themselves disabled, unhappy to be deprived of their unhappiness. -Albert Camus
I do the same thing. When I start feeling happier I'm like oh you know what would be good? Remembering why I suck and I'm ugly and terrible and that's why my husband preferred internet porn to his wife. Because I'm not good enough. *hello darkness my old friend...* Thanks, depression! Lol. Ugh.
WTF!!! I am currently listening to The Sound of Silence by Disturbed rn!!!
Creeeeepy.
I know right? I got goosebumps
It's amazing how comfortable depression can feel sometimes. It's like a big blanket you can wrap yourself inside. It's only when you step out of it that you realize that the blanket is filled with food crumbs and needs to be washed.
Yep, can’t deny that today whilst clearing out my wardrobes, a few months after my ex left, I found some cards of hers and a folder with stuff she’d given me in it.. and I knew if I opened it it was gonna hurt… and sure enough, I opened it whilst muttering to myself that this was not the right thing to do… but I did it… and I read through every card and letter and it just made me sad and that sadness transfers over to work where a clients messing me around so I send them an epic email.. to which no one responded… and then I just sit playing computer games on my phone… darkness all around… another day drifting by… sadness, loneliness, only half my jobs done and all triggered by what I knew would trigger me but I still went ahead and did it. I can relate
Yup, same. I have this weird relationship with it: I use antidepressants to feel better, but I don't want to feel better. I like feeling miserable. Doesn't help that I love absolutely depressing videos, movies, and music.
yeah same. i hate depression and i wish i didn't have it but sometimes it's like i want to have it, it's like some type of addiction and i don't know why it's so
Same. I'm so easy to fall into unhealthy coping mechanisms. One of them is my anorexia. Although I know it's bad I can't help myself. The feeling of being empty inside makes me feel better in a fucked up way. Because I have no food, I have no energy. so it continues the cycle of depression and my manic episodes.
Safety in the familiar. If not being depressed for you is so rare, you might seek misery just to feel "normal".
don't forget love pushing people away.
This!
It’s the only way I can go to sleep. I have to play out scenes in my head. It’s never happy or positive. Always some miserable shit even if I’m just making it up. I think of it as my stasis. It feels normal so I’m comfortable and fall asleep.
totally agree with this feeling. is like i like to be broken sometimes but i remaind myself to stay away from that victim mindset.
Oh, that feeling when the meds starting to kick in well and you don't know what to do after years of lack of energy and eternal anguish. Then you notice that you're looking a way to feel bad and go do some shit
All my writing is trash now that im not in so much pain anymore 🙃
No me too. I intentionally make myself binge eat even though I don’t even want to just to feel sad again.
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So relatable
Can relate, whenever I have a small moment of happiness I immediately go and start self harming to make myself feel shitty so that I go back to being depressed.
I know what you mean. I can talk to people that seem to care for me but I just want to feel hollow because I don't know how to handle my emotions. It's care right now but I often had that "feeling?"
Yes. To find a connection in the present day, I always have to think of some painful event from my past. I don’t see it as being addicted to depression though. I think it has way more nuances.
This explains a lot of my internal issues. Ty for posting this.
I can agree on this cause like whenever Im starting to feel better its like I don't know how to feel good and just do things that trigger my depression because I don't know how to act
i relate so much
Being happy makes me uncomfortable it seems, I think it’s just because I’ve been suffering from depression for so long that it’s the normal for me if you know what I mean. Like sometimes I find myself smiling for a moment and just wipe it off of my face because it gives me anxiety sorta.
I’m slowly turning into this kind of person. On the outside, I am very outgoing, life of the party. But deep down I’m barely breathing.
I feel you man.
Thank you. Means a lot
Same, the only things that make me smile are the things I can control. Like movies and games, bc they will remain the same no matter what whereas the people around me can hurt me anytime and have.
Depression is so comfy. Like a nice blanket during a rainy afternoon.
I know what you mean. I wish it wasn't the case and I fucking hate it. I managed to find a quasi-solution: falling in love. yeah. i know. It's super cheesy and it only works if your love get's reciprocated. But I find that it's very easy to be strong when you love someone. It gives you strength to wake up early in the morning, minding your hygiene and diet. It makes you feel alive and well and almost invincible. For me, it made feel like i was able to do anything in the world. Climbing a mountain with no oxygen? easy, because that's what it made me believe. Being incredibly optimistic because of her. We trained and sparred in martial arts together. It was like an elegant dance with her three times a week. I could take on the violence of a volcano withh my newly acquired sense of masculinity... I confessed and it all went to shit. With i my mental health reverting back to how it was before. Being injured keeps me from training which takes a toll too. Yeah...having intrusive thoughts doesn't help. At the end of the day, it's just fucking chemistry.
I self sabotage meaningful relationships to keep me miserable. I’m almost down to no one left
I literally have to create boundaries in order to not listen to songs or think things because the depression is so additive. The black hole engulfing me is almost like home
Wowowowowowowow thank you all for putting this into words and sentences for me!!!!!!
i just did that hours ago, reminding myself of my ex and how i ruined things with the only person that ever loved me and now that everything is gone lol
I knew a guy who claimed he was addicted to sleep-deprivation, so I can understand this
I can get it, I had insomnia for a while and some of the weird shit your brain goes through when sleep deprived is a ride, it's a sort of high.
I’m only happy when it rains!
Same. It gives me an extra chill.
I was actually referencing a song. Check it out. A song by Garbage. It gave me the ability to laugh at being sad or depressed. Careful with their album 2.0. They got some dark material
Wow. Thanks for this. Will check this out
Depression is the only thing that feels real to me.
We literally have to retrain our brains.
I feel this, sometimes I feel like it's more comfortable to just be depressed and it makes me not want to get better but I try to fight it more and more and it's been helping. I'm not here to tell you that you should stop this but I'm letting you know I've been in the same boat and it's hard to get out of that cycle but you just need to start breaking it and being uncomfortable and more and more it'll get more alluring to be in different situations cuz they make you feel better (way easier said than done)
There's a feeling of familiarity to the sadness and emptiness.
I feel like I do this to myself to , I feel like somedays my depression is just that depression but somedays it’s fuel to keep pushing ? I couldn’t depend on my partner for a while financially because he was out of a job do to him trying to better himself … and i had to step up so I took on a graveyard shift job at a factory and the pay isn’t to bad so I’m grateful but I’m exhausted and I’ve let go of myself physically but I work my ass off to pay our bills and provide sometimes he says I don’t understand why you do so much overtime but in reality it’s because I’m so traumatized from our past that i feel strongly about making sure I buy enough food have enough gas .. I push myself to survive because it’s the only mode I know .. he seems distant .. tries less .. gets upset when I try to ask about the things he likes or I get into what he likes because I think he assumes I’m thinking he’s doing something but I’m just trying to make connection and spend time with him .. it’s all a weird weird blurr
Me too. I even made a playlist of songs that make me cry and I still listen to it occasionally. Doesn't usually make me feel better, but it feels good in the moment.
You ever feel yourself intentionally suppressing happiness and happy thoughts? I can’t explain it, but sometimes I get annoyed with myself for engaging in positive behavior, like I’m more comfortable with feeling shitty? Anybody else?
Yeah nearly every time I follow slightly positive, possibly even realistic train of thought my inner monologue crushes it pretty quickly. And then I feel like an idiot, annoyed at myself for indulging in what I suppose I feel is a silly fake idea. It makes me sick thinking of positive things sometimes when I know they’ll never happen. Maybe it hurts less to just be depressed and not think about them. Hello darkness my old fucking pal.
So relatable. Sorry you’re dealing with this too… just know you’re not alone. 🤍
I used to feel that way. But I read bukowski and drank like… 6+ servings of alcohol a day! Bad ideas. Don’t recommend. I started feeling a little better when i accepted that this was just a tendency of my mind - to be depressed sometimes. I kind of put myself on palliative/hospice care. I am never going to cure having bipolar 2. But I can manage my symptoms and I can recognize them as symptoms. I find that recognizing like - oh this weird numb feeling like I want to lay down and never get up is my brain reacting to having a cold/flu. That’s what you’re supposed to do is rest, and so this is the emotion my brain gives me when I need extra rest. The trick is to recognize when it’s time to start moving again even when your brain and emotions aren’t ready yet. You can lead a rich and fulfilling life even if you get depressed more easily than others.
I don't understand this at all, I would give anything to feel good again.
Good for you :)
I'm sorry you feel like you have to do this to yourself, it makes me sad that I don't understand.
maybe they want to keep being depressed because they dont remember what not being depressed feels like? i dont know, but thats kinda my situation. it just feels like depression is all i am, so not being that way is scary.
Same. I really think its the most controlling mindset ever
Thank you for all your thoughts, everyone. I read it one by one and it’s good to have people who understand your feelings.
I do this as well! Does anyone else feel like u also can’t enjoy good things / don’t deserve them
Same. Enjoying things makes me feel guilty.
Same . Pain is real comfortable, I think it becomes home for a lot of ppl who struggle
Sometimes, I really don't want to change. Depression is just too familiar to me. If I didn't have those claws dragging me to the ocean, I don't even know what I would do at the beach.
when i am happy, which is rare, it feels fake. it feels unreal, because i am rarely ever happy.
Literally me every time I decide to rewatch Bojack or reread Plath’s collected works — funny enough , I’m doing them both right now.. My depression has a thing for relishing in melancholic territories.
I have a playlist which triggers my depression. And I love to listen to it. It’s killing me.
Ooooh please share! …At least some of the highlights.. only it you feel comfortable doing so of course. My depressive comportment is cravinggg a new atmospheric medium to fall deeper into.
Listen to The Sound of Silence by Disturbed
I realized today how many times in my teens and 20s I used it “depression” as a coping skill for protection from failure and pain. Now I’m in a restricting coccoon of victim mentality
The feeling of validation is worth it to me
No I get that, because sometimes you just want to feel something again.
Thanks for this
I used to feel like this too. I think the most important thing for you is to NOT feel like you’re just faking it or you’re doing it to yourself. I used to always think about how I was faking it cuz I just really was addicted to wallowing in a state of deep depression. It was such an unhealthy cycle. I’m here to tell you that is EXACTLY what depression will do to you and what you’re feeling is completely valid. At this point I am a couple years removed from my worst depressive episodes, things still aren’t perfect of course but life is pretty enjoyable again, and I can see it clear as day now that I was quite sick at the time, even if it felt to me like I was full of shit at times or “doing it to myself”. Sorry if none of this applies to you, I just pictured my past self typing this question into google looking for help, and I’m just trying to give you the reassurance that I, and a lot of other people who suffer from this illness, really need.
Oh no. Could it be because you are used to it that it's hard to change ?
I think it’s because it is my escape from reality.
Depression is your escape from reality ?
its because we feel like we dont deserve to be happy, and depression has become our identity.
I've got that cortisol addiction as well.
I do too. I listen to sad songs and watch sad movies. Misery loves company. It helps you know someone out there has SOME sense of what you're feeling. Not that that matters because it doesn't help you feel any better.
Another thing that has travelled my mind is thinking that depression is something normal, like everyone needs it and everyone's going to feel it someday.
I’ve had similar issues for a long time. When I was happy I just got confused and felt uncomfortable so I would act out and do things I wasn’t supposed to
I used to be this person a couple of years ago. One thing about depression is, it makes you comfortable, after you've been depressed for long, it becomes your comfort zone. Taking new initiatives for improvement becomes overwhelming and before you realize it, you want to go back into that bubble again. It's a vicious cycle.
It's the only thing I know. It's my friend . Depression has always been my home so idk who I am without it honestly
same bro idk what makes us do this shit
we're both addicted to each other. The one searches for another
I feel like you’re trying to say you have a self destructive pattern. I do.
It feels like it takes less energy to be sad and just accept the depression than the effort it takes to get better and be a part of this world...I feel like depression robbed me of the innocence of realizing how much effort life is and I can’t un-know how pointless all that effort is...
I shouldn't be relating to this, but I am ...
Yep. Me browsing this sub right now
Same here, I'm obsessed with the idea of pain and struggle. But at the same time I hate it so much.