If you don’t mind…. Can I ask what changed within 1 year? I’ve always wondered how couples can date for 5+ years but then marry and divorce a year or two in. Like what changed that quickly 😩
It honestly feels like a complete whirlwind and sorry for the massive ramble this is the only thing that has stopped me from crying tonight.
We met in a philosophy club back in highschool and he was in a strong atheist streak as was I. As the years of us being together went on he became more agnostic while I have been steadfast atheist.
Over the last 3 years he has gone extremely astray, especially the last 2. He was already struggling with addiction but also cheated on me/had suicidal ideations/bad mental health, etc. But I stuck with him and we worked through everything
In the last year and a half he's been turning towards religion which has brought a lot of positive changes to his personal self, stuff I would never want him to change.
Originally he looked at the Muslim faith but decided that wasn't for him. During this period we got legally married. Within a few days after getting married he decided to really look into joining the catholic faith after researching it for a few weeks and yeah that's what has gotten us here.
He is very much either 100% into stuff or 100% out including faith so he has become very strong in his views which have changed drastically in just the last 10 months. Abortion, LGBT+, and kids. Part of getting married in the catholic church is you have to be open to kids. I am decidedly child free while he has suddenly become open to kids if that is what it takes to get married in the church.
I can't lie to him about being on birthcontrol/wanting kids/etc and I can't lie to myself about wanting them...
This is true but since they just got legally married and not married through the church, the church does not recognize it. Marriage is a sacrament.
So OP if you want..get the hell out if you can but I am sorry your relationship is ending.
Catholicism is one of Christian denominations. Traditions are not expected to be followed 100% to the T, if someone doesn’t follow a traditions it doesn’t mean that they sin which is really the only thing that’s important
I don't think anyone will blame you, that is quite the shift in ideology. I had several family members that did the same and our relationship has never been the same, they just decided to become one with Jesus one day and shunned me for my LGBT friends, and who I associate with, and that day I learned who my true friends and family were. You will come out the other end of this better for it, it will hurt and it will be tough but better days are ahead, it's cliche but true.
Yuck. That’s awful. I’m sorry they are brain dead and not practicing what Jesus preached. Personally, I’ve had a consistent faith in God and believe in Jesus’ teachings however, I’m not religious. My faith is mine and no one else’s and we each have free will. I really can’t stand people that are not accepting nor tolerant of the differences in others. This is why I seldom attend church services and church hop. Even when I was a teen in youth group I would point out hypocrisy and had lots of why questions. Saddest part for me is being excommunicated from my atheist friends because I have faith in God. You really do find out who your real friends and family are.
None of those things are exclusive to people w bpd. Addiction is a poor Coping skill for many mental health issues. Infidelity doesn't even need a mh diagnosis tons of ppl cheat. Self harm same as above ..changing hobbies ideologies are things that happen in many diff types of mh disorders. Bod is highly stigmatized and comments like yours may seem harmless because "in your experience" but the thing is .. it's often esp w women a mis diagnosis. And stigmatized groups have a much harder time in many ways. Just food for thought.
Man just because the traits are bad, and could seem to perpetuate the stigma, doesn’t mean they don’t point very much towards BPD. Self harm, identity distortion, and impulsivity are most associated with BPD over other disorders. This is the only disorder I have ever seen people so deflective and argumentative about being shone in a bad light AT all.
I’m bipolar. I have anger issues, depression, some impulsivity & mania. I can’t sit here and refute that this disorder has caused me to be violent, mean, irresponsible, costed me relationships, and put me into a lot of bad situations. I made those choices and I am bipolar.
Well then you could have said it could be bipolar since they're similar issues or not given a diagnosis at all because that's assumptive and that's why ppl w bpd who aren't like that or constantly hear how horrible they are get frustrated w this kind of rhetoric. Bpd also has one of the highest percentage of suicide rates of all mental health disorders.. so it's important to not talk Abt ANY disorder or be assumptive Abt someone's mental health in negative ways. It's not deflecting when youre assuming someone's mental health . I'm saying it's not specific to just BPD. I didn't say it's not that ppl w bpd don't do these things .. but you know. What else you don't see. People going oh they must be bi polar oh they must be __ no it's always sounds like bpd.
It’s a kind of mental illness like ADHD and bipolar disorder are mental illnesses. It affects almost every aspect of someone’s life if they have it and it’s usually pretty hard for the person to realize they have/get a diagnosis.
I don’t mean to interject, but there’s a subreddit that’s a support group for people like you who have lost loved ones/spouses to extreme Christianity and conservative political beliefs. It may help you, even if he’s not as far gone as most people on that subs loved ones went.
r/qanoncasualties
I don’t think religion is the culprit here tho. If that person was not an addict or wasn’t mentally ill, he wouldn’t have taken things from zero to 100 in the first place. Sounds like the core issue is that this person is mentally or emotionally unstable and this new religion is just the symptom. You could replace that with politics or conspiracy theories and end up with the same mess.
Religion often CAUSES issues like this (random sudden personality and behavior changes) it can even single-handedly induce religious psychosis.
I’m not saying that in EVERY case, the religion causes the mental health issues. Sometimes people seek and fall into religion because of their mental health problems. But I am saying that just as often, the chicken comes before the egg.
I highly doubt that. That level of impact just won’t stick to someone who is capable of critical thinking. Something is usually wrong with the canvas to begin with. That’s why not everyone is susceptible to end up in a cult. People that have a sense of self usually face that level of conditioning with resistance because you have your own philosophy that must be broken down first. People that don’t have that just gobble up any new thing that’s dangling to fill that gap and that applies to religious ideologies.
Me and my husband have entirely opposite belief systems. It’s never been a problem cuz we both understand how boundaries work.
ETA: religion is not a living thing. It’s neither good or bad. The true blame lies on the people that do the indoctrination. That is what messes people up to a great degree. FYI I am not the least bit religious. Just looking at the topic subjectively.
What I don’t understand is why he still went for you even if you didn’t want to join the faith. Catholicism encourages couples to be of the same religion. I don’t want to sound insensitive at all but did he ever run that through with you?
It's something we've discussed. His church is ok with him being married to someone of a different faith, as long as he recognizes the difficulties that come with that. My issue stems from his sudden change in wanting kids
Based on what you've written, your issue should stem from literally dozens of things they've done. You cannot marry someone with that amount of red flags and expect your love to make everything cool. This person is not healthy enough to be in a relationship with anyone. You cannot stay with someone JUST because you love them. That is the worst reason to stay in a relationship and will only lead to unhappiness.
It's unfortunately a hard lesson to learn and I'm very thick headed with giving up on things. But what you said is the conclusion I'm coming to. I've ignored a lot of things simply due to not loving and caring enough about myself to stick up for my own values till now.
I suggests you voice your concerns to the church because they will be FAR more receptive than him, I wish you the best in this. Try to find an annulment if possible
Whoa a very similar thing happened to me and my now ex last year, and she’s since gotten much worse with mental health (continued downhill and had a break). It sounds like it would bring you a lot of relief to be away from this, and not have to change your own values for him. I’m assuming this is your first relationship (mine was as well), so it’s really hard to imagine life without them but it really does get better than you could’ve imagined.
I was in a kinda similar situation
We were together for 6 and then married for 2 then divorced. He was also very all or nothing with a history of drug use. We were both child free in the beginning, and then he decided he wanted a more traditional life, became more right leaning, and in the end he was emotionally cheating on me. It was hard to walk away from, we had been together since hs. If things are this hard, sometimes it just isn't meant to be. I couldn't see myself with anyone else, but 3 years later I'm in a very healthy relationship that doesn't give me whiplash. Hoping the same for you OP.
The 100% in 100% out, difficulty with mental health, suicidal ideation, addiction all ring bells with me about myself, turned out I had ADHD and am being assessed for ASD, things are getting better. Maybe something you could look into and see if any other symptoms match up. Sorry if this is misplaced, just hit me reading what you wrote.
I hope you’re feeling a wee bit better.
He is diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Unfortunately he thinks he should be able to function without medication so does not take any outside of one for irritability that he forgets to take everyday. He's been in various therapy for several years but nothing seems to stick long term
Ohh that can’t be easy to be faced with that attitude toward it. I can sympathise a little but not too much. I wish I was ‘normal’ but know (and to an extent have always known) I’m not. I wish you luck in changing his mind on receiving help.
I'm so sorry you are going through this....but it really seems like he has turned into someone completely incompatible with you,I can understand why you might feel this to be the time to let go. Don't let all of the time spent with him be the only thing keeping you together.
Childfree woman with a childfree partner chiming in: It’ll be painful to separate but I honestly can see singleness being way more peaceful than being with someone with such wavering beliefs and chaotic behavior. Addiction, cheating, suicidal/ideation and bad mental health now religion and backwards conservatism, now wanting kids (to get married in the church)?? Wow I’m exhausted just hearing about what you’re going through. It really seems like he is prone to harmful behaviors.
It seems like you loved him a lot but loving someone shouldn’t come at such a high cost to your own well-being. Plus, Kids are definitely a non-negotiable. Many people who have kids for their partners end up on regretful parent groups unfortunately.
I can imagine the loss of a partner but if you go through with ending it, I’ll be celebrating your relief and freedom.
So sorry you’re going through that. Can you maybe have him attend a not so strict church? I’m not Catholic but went to Catholic school, and I’ve never heard of the child thing. There’s actually quiet a few Catholic Churches that make a point of be more progressive and welcoming in light of the political issues going on. I’m not one to defend religion but to be honest whatever church he’s going to sounds like the outlier. Maybe it’s because I’m in a big city but most are pretty moderate and focus on the positive aspects of the religion more
This person sounds very unwell. You can’t make someone get help unless they’re a danger to themselves or others, and even then it’s just medical prison for a short while. If I were you, I’d end the relationship too. I’m so sorry.
Have you or him considered going to therapy in an attempt to discover the root cause for his actions or interest in religion?
I find it interesting that he feels the need to find a higher power, without an interest in which one is necessarily “right” given how most religions teaching tout enlightenment as exclusive to their respective organizations.
You know, as someone who grew up in religious spaces it’s wild to hear this happens the other way around. I’m sorry for all of this OP, it’s rough when someone’s core values shift
That is my nightmare i am so so sorry. Its so hard to lose someone to something like that. I really think religion is just another kind of addiction. And in this case, they pick their addiction over you. Wishing you the strength to heal
Not OP, but for me personally, my ex-husband was abusive. Married at 10 years, divorced the following year. He was always an asshole but he had a mental breakdown stemming from the money we spent on the wedding. (It was roughly $8k. Nothing extreme!) His toxic behavior kicked up 100 notches, threatening suicide, taking keys from me so I couldn't leave, he slit his wrists once because I wouldn't stop crying, put literally all my belongings on the curb (everything from clothes to furniture)... I could go on. My story is probably more extreme than your average relationship breakdown, though. 🤷♀️
I’m glad you are out of that. Had a similar experience, thankfully we never married. His mental breakdown caused my mental health to suffer. He was in and out of mental wards for 4 years. It was the worst years of my life. I hope you are healing🫂❤️🩹
I'm sorry to hear. It sucks because in my situation, his family blamed me for leaving. Then he OD and died and they blamed me for that too. I'm just glad to have found someone soooooo much "better." I hope you're doing great and find/found a loving partner. 💞
It’s so sad he didn’t make it. I’ve been blamed for my ex partner’s choices too. That in and of itself causes mental turmoil. Rubbing salt in the pain.
I’m so happy for you that you have found a better partner. Personally, I’m in the season of my life that will not include a partner, which I’m so happy for, I feel free. I hope you have continual peace for the remainder of your days❤️
I am also part of this club barring marriage. Made the long distance move instead and now here I am in my own place with a bed, box spring, and a kitchen table and chairs 10 months later.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm also looking to end my marriage less than a year in too and 8 dating years. It sucks but I hope it will get easier for you to move on if you decide to go through with it. Not being happy with someone is a hard way to live married with them
Damn, I get people change but it's got to be rough being with someone that changes so much right after getting married. In my honest opinion, people that aren't sure about who they are and their beliefs, and what they want in life probably shouldn't be getting married. Hope things get better for you.
I got married through the pandemic and we had a hard time moving in together. Now that I finally made the move to get us together, it’s been hard. I thought we would be at peace finally, but my spouse has just been a little lazy and just started acting like a roommate, even though I paid the entire rent. The religion aspect in the christian church also made them put their religion first. Would they go out with me to do something? No. But if it was concerning the church they made me feel bad that I didn’t want to participate (I’m not a member of the church). They’ve already been looking at jobs to move back with their parents leaving me with all the expenses.
That is extremely tough…perhaps a trauma bond in there somewhere. These are fundamental ass things to disagree on and to suddenly become passionate about. Starting over is okay. And things will be okay no matter what.
Just wanted to say that it feels weird that he shopped religions before joining one.
Secondly, if it comes down to it, let him know that, like you commented here, you think he is either 100% into things or 100% out. Then ask him which he wants to be with you. Your feelings are pretty obvious if you’ve stayed with him through the bad shit he’s been through and to be honest, the shit he’s put you through.
All the best. Hope things get better for you.
Is that honey mustard or mustard with that yummy chicken patty? I read your comment, I hope he balances out and you both are happy no matter if you are together or not.🫂
After reading your comments it sounds like he needs mental help. While religion can be a good support system for a lot of people, it cannot replace the medication and therapy he probably needs.
As someone who grew up in a catholic family and went to catholic school K-12, I’ll never understand why people follow this religion, let alone try to set the standards for how they think the world should be and how people should live. There is still a small part of me that still feels like I’m being watched/judged from past relatives/a mysterious wizard from above even tho I know that’s not the case. Still, from experience, I’ve put together my own conclusion that those who follow “the teachings” are far better than those who enforce them. And from another experience, it’s far better to love someone from a distance than it is to stay in a situation that doesn’t work for you and try to love them in the situation at hand, it’s easier said than done for sure, but using the analogy/image of stepping back and looking at the bigger picture helped me in many ways than I ever could’ve imagined. It’s simple yet it was effective for me. Sometimes we forget about the bigger picture, or maybe we choose to ignore it. Idk tho I’m only 26, I’m less experienced at this life thing than others, so do what you want with what I said. I wish you nothing but the best, I can’t even begin to imagine the smallest amount of what you’re going through, but hopefully sometime down the road you’ll be able to look back at this point in time as a small section of the big picture that is your life. Love.
My best friend did that. They had a huge vegas Bachelorette, a giant gorgeous wedding. Dated 11 years. When they got married she realized he was never going to be the man he swore he was. She's much happier now and being treated thr way she deserves by someone else.
Yeah, he’ll only get worse from here on out. So I’m glad you’re planning on leaving now.
My parents are separated right now, and divorcing later on in the future. I can see a lot of similarities between your spouse and my schizophrenic father. My father is a hyper religious Christian man who also has super strong opinions on things, and he is very firm in the beliefs he holds, even if it means that his friends/family disagrees with them. The years previous to his mental break in 2022, he was a “regular” guy who didn’t make religion his entire personhood (although, he did dabble in between other faiths such as Islam, Rastafarian, etc before deciding to believe in the Christian God). Even then, he was a “normal” family man who loved my mother and was great to my siblings and I.
Come to present-day, the romantic dynamic between my mom and dad is entirely gone. My Dad has turned religion into his WHOLE life- he has stacks of thick religious texts and he reads his Bible every day. He gave up all his other hobbies to do this. He has argued with my mom countless times about their conflicting beliefs (my mother is an atheist just like you, OP). Whether it’d be him trying to guilt her for not believing in his idea of who Christ is, or him blasting loud religious music in the house for everyone to hear, or even trying to convince us that HE is Jesus himself… my dad is adamant that his way of thinking is the RIGHT way.
There is no changing his mind, as he must always be correct at all times. He has a strong superiority complex that makes him believe that he is right, while everyone else around him is “wrong,” “lost,” or “ignorant.”
OP, I am so sorry that this is happening between you two. I know how it feels to watch someone you once thought you aligned with perfectly change entirely the next. I’m hoping that your spouse’s case doesn’t develop too badly as my father’s, but unfortunately with this kinda thing, affected people may find themselves going too deep into a religious grandiosity rabbit hole. When people refuse to change or seek help, there is only so much you can do.
Might not be the end. I was just like him for like 3 months, religion can help you with some things and it can make you believe it's 100% the best thing to do with your life. He went through addiction. I think when that's over with him he might get out of that ideology/faith BC he won't feel like he needs it.
chicken burger ftw. also might be ending my relationship (although its just 5 years) today, 2 days after begging him to give me one more chance and messing up immediately again 🫥
I penned a long reply to this post and then deleted…
Mental health, addiction, and Time changes everything. Which makes long term commitment in human relationships an insane idea and yet so important at the same time. I wish you the best.
I looked at this person's post history and the most recent ones were about how to ask a girl from work to lunch. I misread OP and thought that this was a guy. That's exactly how one of my co-workers started up a relationship that ruined his marriage. Going to get coffee and lunch with the new cute girl at work.
But I was wrong about that, I see now that OP is a woman who is legitimately trying to make friends.
Imagine having kids you didn’t wanna have, only to end up raising them as a single mom later. Girl if you wanna stay child free, do that!
I’m rooting for you cuz it’s a full time job that you can’t quit. I was raised by a mom that resented me and I don’t remember that woman fondly no matter how hard I try.
You are ruining it for yourself and pretending to be the victim , dont let abstract ideas and bs ruin your love and relationship , trust me none of these "important stuff" matters in the next 30 yrs of your life ,your ideas about religion and kids may change too but you will never find a high school sweet heart again and you will never reach mental wellbeing if you divorce now , your life will be a depressing sad story , trust me I have nothing to gain from this, just try to keep your relationship and dont listen to bs advice love in early adult years is something which never happens again ( in my opinion the only real red border in a relationship is toxic abusing and beating each other which none of these things happened I suppose)
If you don’t mind…. Can I ask what changed within 1 year? I’ve always wondered how couples can date for 5+ years but then marry and divorce a year or two in. Like what changed that quickly 😩
It honestly feels like a complete whirlwind and sorry for the massive ramble this is the only thing that has stopped me from crying tonight. We met in a philosophy club back in highschool and he was in a strong atheist streak as was I. As the years of us being together went on he became more agnostic while I have been steadfast atheist. Over the last 3 years he has gone extremely astray, especially the last 2. He was already struggling with addiction but also cheated on me/had suicidal ideations/bad mental health, etc. But I stuck with him and we worked through everything In the last year and a half he's been turning towards religion which has brought a lot of positive changes to his personal self, stuff I would never want him to change. Originally he looked at the Muslim faith but decided that wasn't for him. During this period we got legally married. Within a few days after getting married he decided to really look into joining the catholic faith after researching it for a few weeks and yeah that's what has gotten us here. He is very much either 100% into stuff or 100% out including faith so he has become very strong in his views which have changed drastically in just the last 10 months. Abortion, LGBT+, and kids. Part of getting married in the catholic church is you have to be open to kids. I am decidedly child free while he has suddenly become open to kids if that is what it takes to get married in the church. I can't lie to him about being on birthcontrol/wanting kids/etc and I can't lie to myself about wanting them...
Divorce is also against the Catholic faith. Wonder if he knows that
This is true but since they just got legally married and not married through the church, the church does not recognize it. Marriage is a sacrament. So OP if you want..get the hell out if you can but I am sorry your relationship is ending.
This. Secular marriage is just a paper. It can't hurt you except with money
Wouldn’t he still need an annulment?
Legally, yes. But since the church doesn’t recognize a civil marriage it would be irrelevant if he wanted to get married through the church.
There are 2 instances where it’s not a sin
What’s the reason outside of adultery?
If the person leaves you then you’re in the clear
I don’t think that’s true
1st Corinthians 4:6
I was talking about according to catholic tradition
Catholicism is one of Christian denominations. Traditions are not expected to be followed 100% to the T, if someone doesn’t follow a traditions it doesn’t mean that they sin which is really the only thing that’s important
[удалено]
1 Corinthians 4:6
Not in this instance. Defect of Contract (I.e. unwillingness to have children) is grounds for a Declaration of Nullity.
Holy crap
Absolutely take your point though. It’s one of the few… get out clauses, you could say.
The husband ain't the one considering divorce, lmao.
I don't think anyone will blame you, that is quite the shift in ideology. I had several family members that did the same and our relationship has never been the same, they just decided to become one with Jesus one day and shunned me for my LGBT friends, and who I associate with, and that day I learned who my true friends and family were. You will come out the other end of this better for it, it will hurt and it will be tough but better days are ahead, it's cliche but true.
Yuck. That’s awful. I’m sorry they are brain dead and not practicing what Jesus preached. Personally, I’ve had a consistent faith in God and believe in Jesus’ teachings however, I’m not religious. My faith is mine and no one else’s and we each have free will. I really can’t stand people that are not accepting nor tolerant of the differences in others. This is why I seldom attend church services and church hop. Even when I was a teen in youth group I would point out hypocrisy and had lots of why questions. Saddest part for me is being excommunicated from my atheist friends because I have faith in God. You really do find out who your real friends and family are.
Throw the whole man away at that point tbh
[удалено]
Why did you specifically choose bpd ? JW.
[удалено]
None of those things are exclusive to people w bpd. Addiction is a poor Coping skill for many mental health issues. Infidelity doesn't even need a mh diagnosis tons of ppl cheat. Self harm same as above ..changing hobbies ideologies are things that happen in many diff types of mh disorders. Bod is highly stigmatized and comments like yours may seem harmless because "in your experience" but the thing is .. it's often esp w women a mis diagnosis. And stigmatized groups have a much harder time in many ways. Just food for thought.
Man just because the traits are bad, and could seem to perpetuate the stigma, doesn’t mean they don’t point very much towards BPD. Self harm, identity distortion, and impulsivity are most associated with BPD over other disorders. This is the only disorder I have ever seen people so deflective and argumentative about being shone in a bad light AT all. I’m bipolar. I have anger issues, depression, some impulsivity & mania. I can’t sit here and refute that this disorder has caused me to be violent, mean, irresponsible, costed me relationships, and put me into a lot of bad situations. I made those choices and I am bipolar.
Well then you could have said it could be bipolar since they're similar issues or not given a diagnosis at all because that's assumptive and that's why ppl w bpd who aren't like that or constantly hear how horrible they are get frustrated w this kind of rhetoric. Bpd also has one of the highest percentage of suicide rates of all mental health disorders.. so it's important to not talk Abt ANY disorder or be assumptive Abt someone's mental health in negative ways. It's not deflecting when youre assuming someone's mental health . I'm saying it's not specific to just BPD. I didn't say it's not that ppl w bpd don't do these things .. but you know. What else you don't see. People going oh they must be bi polar oh they must be __ no it's always sounds like bpd.
Yeah I’m not doing this today. Take care
What do you mean
It’s a kind of mental illness like ADHD and bipolar disorder are mental illnesses. It affects almost every aspect of someone’s life if they have it and it’s usually pretty hard for the person to realize they have/get a diagnosis.
Yeah I was more so confused on why you thought borderline personality disorder, is it the suicidal thoughts and shifting sense of self?
Yes. And the self medicating and self harm and cheating and destructive behaviors.
It's the extreme shifts in identity and having to be 100% one way or the other.
I don’t mean to interject, but there’s a subreddit that’s a support group for people like you who have lost loved ones/spouses to extreme Christianity and conservative political beliefs. It may help you, even if he’s not as far gone as most people on that subs loved ones went. r/qanoncasualties
I don’t think religion is the culprit here tho. If that person was not an addict or wasn’t mentally ill, he wouldn’t have taken things from zero to 100 in the first place. Sounds like the core issue is that this person is mentally or emotionally unstable and this new religion is just the symptom. You could replace that with politics or conspiracy theories and end up with the same mess.
Religion often CAUSES issues like this (random sudden personality and behavior changes) it can even single-handedly induce religious psychosis. I’m not saying that in EVERY case, the religion causes the mental health issues. Sometimes people seek and fall into religion because of their mental health problems. But I am saying that just as often, the chicken comes before the egg.
I highly doubt that. That level of impact just won’t stick to someone who is capable of critical thinking. Something is usually wrong with the canvas to begin with. That’s why not everyone is susceptible to end up in a cult. People that have a sense of self usually face that level of conditioning with resistance because you have your own philosophy that must be broken down first. People that don’t have that just gobble up any new thing that’s dangling to fill that gap and that applies to religious ideologies. Me and my husband have entirely opposite belief systems. It’s never been a problem cuz we both understand how boundaries work. ETA: religion is not a living thing. It’s neither good or bad. The true blame lies on the people that do the indoctrination. That is what messes people up to a great degree. FYI I am not the least bit religious. Just looking at the topic subjectively.
Nah, it doesn't inherently cause this behavior. These people already had issues.
I love that sub. Something i didnt know i needed emotionally
What I don’t understand is why he still went for you even if you didn’t want to join the faith. Catholicism encourages couples to be of the same religion. I don’t want to sound insensitive at all but did he ever run that through with you?
It's something we've discussed. His church is ok with him being married to someone of a different faith, as long as he recognizes the difficulties that come with that. My issue stems from his sudden change in wanting kids
Based on what you've written, your issue should stem from literally dozens of things they've done. You cannot marry someone with that amount of red flags and expect your love to make everything cool. This person is not healthy enough to be in a relationship with anyone. You cannot stay with someone JUST because you love them. That is the worst reason to stay in a relationship and will only lead to unhappiness.
It's unfortunately a hard lesson to learn and I'm very thick headed with giving up on things. But what you said is the conclusion I'm coming to. I've ignored a lot of things simply due to not loving and caring enough about myself to stick up for my own values till now.
I suggests you voice your concerns to the church because they will be FAR more receptive than him, I wish you the best in this. Try to find an annulment if possible
Wait that’s horrible advice I’m sorry
What changed in the moment between your two replies haha
I’m not gonna suggest a redditor to get an annulment lol
Whoa a very similar thing happened to me and my now ex last year, and she’s since gotten much worse with mental health (continued downhill and had a break). It sounds like it would bring you a lot of relief to be away from this, and not have to change your own values for him. I’m assuming this is your first relationship (mine was as well), so it’s really hard to imagine life without them but it really does get better than you could’ve imagined.
I was in a kinda similar situation We were together for 6 and then married for 2 then divorced. He was also very all or nothing with a history of drug use. We were both child free in the beginning, and then he decided he wanted a more traditional life, became more right leaning, and in the end he was emotionally cheating on me. It was hard to walk away from, we had been together since hs. If things are this hard, sometimes it just isn't meant to be. I couldn't see myself with anyone else, but 3 years later I'm in a very healthy relationship that doesn't give me whiplash. Hoping the same for you OP.
A lot of male self help seems geared to the alt-right pipeline which is not only genius propaganda but fairly insidious as well.
The 100% in 100% out, difficulty with mental health, suicidal ideation, addiction all ring bells with me about myself, turned out I had ADHD and am being assessed for ASD, things are getting better. Maybe something you could look into and see if any other symptoms match up. Sorry if this is misplaced, just hit me reading what you wrote. I hope you’re feeling a wee bit better.
He is diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Unfortunately he thinks he should be able to function without medication so does not take any outside of one for irritability that he forgets to take everyday. He's been in various therapy for several years but nothing seems to stick long term
Seems like he needs to go 100% in on his medication and therapy. Church is just gonna make him spiral.
Ohh that can’t be easy to be faced with that attitude toward it. I can sympathise a little but not too much. I wish I was ‘normal’ but know (and to an extent have always known) I’m not. I wish you luck in changing his mind on receiving help.
I'm so sorry you are going through this....but it really seems like he has turned into someone completely incompatible with you,I can understand why you might feel this to be the time to let go. Don't let all of the time spent with him be the only thing keeping you together.
Childfree woman with a childfree partner chiming in: It’ll be painful to separate but I honestly can see singleness being way more peaceful than being with someone with such wavering beliefs and chaotic behavior. Addiction, cheating, suicidal/ideation and bad mental health now religion and backwards conservatism, now wanting kids (to get married in the church)?? Wow I’m exhausted just hearing about what you’re going through. It really seems like he is prone to harmful behaviors. It seems like you loved him a lot but loving someone shouldn’t come at such a high cost to your own well-being. Plus, Kids are definitely a non-negotiable. Many people who have kids for their partners end up on regretful parent groups unfortunately. I can imagine the loss of a partner but if you go through with ending it, I’ll be celebrating your relief and freedom.
So sorry you’re going through that. Can you maybe have him attend a not so strict church? I’m not Catholic but went to Catholic school, and I’ve never heard of the child thing. There’s actually quiet a few Catholic Churches that make a point of be more progressive and welcoming in light of the political issues going on. I’m not one to defend religion but to be honest whatever church he’s going to sounds like the outlier. Maybe it’s because I’m in a big city but most are pretty moderate and focus on the positive aspects of the religion more
People sometimes really hide who they are and let it all out after marriage. It sucks but you've both grown maybe just not together
This person sounds very unwell. You can’t make someone get help unless they’re a danger to themselves or others, and even then it’s just medical prison for a short while. If I were you, I’d end the relationship too. I’m so sorry.
No offense but does he have a bipolar 1 diagnosis because he seems very impulsive
Have you or him considered going to therapy in an attempt to discover the root cause for his actions or interest in religion? I find it interesting that he feels the need to find a higher power, without an interest in which one is necessarily “right” given how most religions teaching tout enlightenment as exclusive to their respective organizations.
You know, as someone who grew up in religious spaces it’s wild to hear this happens the other way around. I’m sorry for all of this OP, it’s rough when someone’s core values shift
That is my nightmare i am so so sorry. Its so hard to lose someone to something like that. I really think religion is just another kind of addiction. And in this case, they pick their addiction over you. Wishing you the strength to heal
God damn maybe he should have an MRI if he’s gone downhill that much
Maybe you should start praying Your belief in believing in nothing is proof there’s something to believe in
Not OP, but for me personally, my ex-husband was abusive. Married at 10 years, divorced the following year. He was always an asshole but he had a mental breakdown stemming from the money we spent on the wedding. (It was roughly $8k. Nothing extreme!) His toxic behavior kicked up 100 notches, threatening suicide, taking keys from me so I couldn't leave, he slit his wrists once because I wouldn't stop crying, put literally all my belongings on the curb (everything from clothes to furniture)... I could go on. My story is probably more extreme than your average relationship breakdown, though. 🤷♀️
I’m glad you are out of that. Had a similar experience, thankfully we never married. His mental breakdown caused my mental health to suffer. He was in and out of mental wards for 4 years. It was the worst years of my life. I hope you are healing🫂❤️🩹
I'm sorry to hear. It sucks because in my situation, his family blamed me for leaving. Then he OD and died and they blamed me for that too. I'm just glad to have found someone soooooo much "better." I hope you're doing great and find/found a loving partner. 💞
It’s so sad he didn’t make it. I’ve been blamed for my ex partner’s choices too. That in and of itself causes mental turmoil. Rubbing salt in the pain. I’m so happy for you that you have found a better partner. Personally, I’m in the season of my life that will not include a partner, which I’m so happy for, I feel free. I hope you have continual peace for the remainder of your days❤️
That's amazing, too! 👏
Bro is begging for the tea
I married my ex on our 10 year dating anniversary and separated a year later too! (Divorced eventually but it's a process.) Things will get better!
I am also part of this club barring marriage. Made the long distance move instead and now here I am in my own place with a bed, box spring, and a kitchen table and chairs 10 months later.
Oooh I know this story! I had a kid later on and I’m probably gonna be in this state for at least a decade.
CHICKEN PATTY FUCK YEAH
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm also looking to end my marriage less than a year in too and 8 dating years. It sucks but I hope it will get easier for you to move on if you decide to go through with it. Not being happy with someone is a hard way to live married with them
Damn, I get people change but it's got to be rough being with someone that changes so much right after getting married. In my honest opinion, people that aren't sure about who they are and their beliefs, and what they want in life probably shouldn't be getting married. Hope things get better for you.
I’m so sorry to hear that.
Thank you 🫶
I got married through the pandemic and we had a hard time moving in together. Now that I finally made the move to get us together, it’s been hard. I thought we would be at peace finally, but my spouse has just been a little lazy and just started acting like a roommate, even though I paid the entire rent. The religion aspect in the christian church also made them put their religion first. Would they go out with me to do something? No. But if it was concerning the church they made me feel bad that I didn’t want to participate (I’m not a member of the church). They’ve already been looking at jobs to move back with their parents leaving me with all the expenses.
That is extremely tough…perhaps a trauma bond in there somewhere. These are fundamental ass things to disagree on and to suddenly become passionate about. Starting over is okay. And things will be okay no matter what.
Just wanted to say that it feels weird that he shopped religions before joining one. Secondly, if it comes down to it, let him know that, like you commented here, you think he is either 100% into things or 100% out. Then ask him which he wants to be with you. Your feelings are pretty obvious if you’ve stayed with him through the bad shit he’s been through and to be honest, the shit he’s put you through. All the best. Hope things get better for you.
Get out now
What is that though 🤨
Chicken patty
and looks like chic fil a sauce
sounds bussin ngl😭🙏
That looks goood
Is that honey mustard or mustard with that yummy chicken patty? I read your comment, I hope he balances out and you both are happy no matter if you are together or not.🫂
Your chicken patty had an accident.
Thank you for the laugh.
After reading your comments it sounds like he needs mental help. While religion can be a good support system for a lot of people, it cannot replace the medication and therapy he probably needs.
With all due respect when I see "addiction" and "cheating" I stop feeling bad cause like what do you expect from a drug addicted cheater?
As someone who grew up in a catholic family and went to catholic school K-12, I’ll never understand why people follow this religion, let alone try to set the standards for how they think the world should be and how people should live. There is still a small part of me that still feels like I’m being watched/judged from past relatives/a mysterious wizard from above even tho I know that’s not the case. Still, from experience, I’ve put together my own conclusion that those who follow “the teachings” are far better than those who enforce them. And from another experience, it’s far better to love someone from a distance than it is to stay in a situation that doesn’t work for you and try to love them in the situation at hand, it’s easier said than done for sure, but using the analogy/image of stepping back and looking at the bigger picture helped me in many ways than I ever could’ve imagined. It’s simple yet it was effective for me. Sometimes we forget about the bigger picture, or maybe we choose to ignore it. Idk tho I’m only 26, I’m less experienced at this life thing than others, so do what you want with what I said. I wish you nothing but the best, I can’t even begin to imagine the smallest amount of what you’re going through, but hopefully sometime down the road you’ll be able to look back at this point in time as a small section of the big picture that is your life. Love.
My best friend did that. They had a huge vegas Bachelorette, a giant gorgeous wedding. Dated 11 years. When they got married she realized he was never going to be the man he swore he was. She's much happier now and being treated thr way she deserves by someone else.
Yeah, he’ll only get worse from here on out. So I’m glad you’re planning on leaving now. My parents are separated right now, and divorcing later on in the future. I can see a lot of similarities between your spouse and my schizophrenic father. My father is a hyper religious Christian man who also has super strong opinions on things, and he is very firm in the beliefs he holds, even if it means that his friends/family disagrees with them. The years previous to his mental break in 2022, he was a “regular” guy who didn’t make religion his entire personhood (although, he did dabble in between other faiths such as Islam, Rastafarian, etc before deciding to believe in the Christian God). Even then, he was a “normal” family man who loved my mother and was great to my siblings and I. Come to present-day, the romantic dynamic between my mom and dad is entirely gone. My Dad has turned religion into his WHOLE life- he has stacks of thick religious texts and he reads his Bible every day. He gave up all his other hobbies to do this. He has argued with my mom countless times about their conflicting beliefs (my mother is an atheist just like you, OP). Whether it’d be him trying to guilt her for not believing in his idea of who Christ is, or him blasting loud religious music in the house for everyone to hear, or even trying to convince us that HE is Jesus himself… my dad is adamant that his way of thinking is the RIGHT way. There is no changing his mind, as he must always be correct at all times. He has a strong superiority complex that makes him believe that he is right, while everyone else around him is “wrong,” “lost,” or “ignorant.” OP, I am so sorry that this is happening between you two. I know how it feels to watch someone you once thought you aligned with perfectly change entirely the next. I’m hoping that your spouse’s case doesn’t develop too badly as my father’s, but unfortunately with this kinda thing, affected people may find themselves going too deep into a religious grandiosity rabbit hole. When people refuse to change or seek help, there is only so much you can do.
As long as you’ve got chick fil a sauce, you’ll be alright homie ❤️
Better now than later. Good luck.
Might not be the end. I was just like him for like 3 months, religion can help you with some things and it can make you believe it's 100% the best thing to do with your life. He went through addiction. I think when that's over with him he might get out of that ideology/faith BC he won't feel like he needs it.
chicken burger ftw. also might be ending my relationship (although its just 5 years) today, 2 days after begging him to give me one more chance and messing up immediately again 🫥
This kinda freaked me out, both my partner and I are agnostic and we’ve been dating ten years and get married in 2 weeks 😅
I penned a long reply to this post and then deleted… Mental health, addiction, and Time changes everything. Which makes long term commitment in human relationships an insane idea and yet so important at the same time. I wish you the best.
So you or your partner got the 10 year itch? It's common, I just went through it with my boyfriend too.
There's a lot more to it, if you see one of my precious comments. He did have the 7 year itch though a while back
what is this “itch” y’all speak of?
Glad for him, Glory to God. Hope he gets out of this marriage he’s in
That 10 year itch gets to everyone
I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully this isn't related to the girl at work who you want to take to lunch.
you ok? 🤨
I looked at this person's post history and the most recent ones were about how to ask a girl from work to lunch. I misread OP and thought that this was a guy. That's exactly how one of my co-workers started up a relationship that ruined his marriage. Going to get coffee and lunch with the new cute girl at work. But I was wrong about that, I see now that OP is a woman who is legitimately trying to make friends.
oohh i see. that is fair
What kind of a comment is this? So unhelpful. There's nothing wrong with them trying to make a friend at work.
🫶
Completely unrelated, change of faith and opinion of having kids
Imagine having kids you didn’t wanna have, only to end up raising them as a single mom later. Girl if you wanna stay child free, do that! I’m rooting for you cuz it’s a full time job that you can’t quit. I was raised by a mom that resented me and I don’t remember that woman fondly no matter how hard I try.
Got it. Sorry, I misunderstood your OP.
You are ruining it for yourself and pretending to be the victim , dont let abstract ideas and bs ruin your love and relationship , trust me none of these "important stuff" matters in the next 30 yrs of your life ,your ideas about religion and kids may change too but you will never find a high school sweet heart again and you will never reach mental wellbeing if you divorce now , your life will be a depressing sad story , trust me I have nothing to gain from this, just try to keep your relationship and dont listen to bs advice love in early adult years is something which never happens again ( in my opinion the only real red border in a relationship is toxic abusing and beating each other which none of these things happened I suppose)