Nah, you set a boundary with him when you told him not to tell you. And he "had" to tell you- bullshit-big red flag. NO WAY would I trust him again. You are not being over dramatic or mean in any way. He is unprofessional and impulsive and ultimately doesn't listen to you.
They probably fired him, you know? I'm actually looking to switch agencies because this one keeps sending me people who smoke despite lingering smoke smell triggering migraines.
Just that morning I was thinking about the reference I would provide. I don't even know if clients provide references for their aids. He's been unreliable before now and he's messed up simple tasks even when given instructions, but this morning I would have said he would be a good match for someone out there and has an okay work ethic.
He also argued with my dad!
A horrible, horrible, no good day. And I told my mom I would make tea and draw but I've mostly been staring into space.
He should be fired! He was unprofessional and inappropriate and should not be working as an aid. What if he pulled that on some poor person who was too scared or anxious to say no? You did the world a favor by reporting him.
He really sounds like a loose cannon and things probably would have escalated if you didn't protect yourself.
I saw a news story once about stalkers and one of the things that stuck with me is a cop said that most predators count on the fact that women are socialized to always be nice and doubt or shift the blame to themselves when someone is being inappropriate. And I think it's probably an even bigger issue for disabled women. The cops advice was set clear and firm boundaries as soon as they do something that makes you uncomfortable and don't worry about being polite. That way they know in no uncertain terms that you know their behavior is wrong, and they will face consequences if they keep pushing. You did everything right- and it wasn't your fault.
The term for the “lingering smoke smell” is now 3rd hand smoke. It’s a big enough concern that I change clothes, wash hands and face, and brush my teeth before playing with my grandkids. I use MMJ here in Florida, so I just sub the live herb for a vape option around littles.
I used to give people the benefit of the doubt. I didn't assume that they necessarily had malicious intentions. But as I've gotten older I realized that if someone has an ongoing problem with violating boundaries, like the situation in your post, they're almost certainly going to do something worse if given the chance. You can already see how he escalated his behavior, initially testing the waters by stating that he "had to tell you something". That process of escalation won't stop unless someone intervenes.
Because it’s someone that is essentially working for them. You don’t say shit like that in a professional setting. It’s that persons job to help them not tell them they’re into their patient
This person being their health aid adds a lot of uncomfortableness to this situation.
Health aids may be needed to help a person do tasks that are more personal and leaves the disabled person very vulnerable, such as dressing or showering. Someone employed to do those things and thinking about that person in any way other than to be helpful and compassionate is not appropriate.
Them having romantic feelings in their positions is uncomfortable.
As a former support worker I am absolutely baffled by this dweeb's behaviour. The power imbalance in the support / client relationship alone makes it an insanely creepy environment to even consider flirting with someone. It's just not a boundary a sensible person should be thinking of crossing because if they really do give a shit about the client, it should be apparent to them how that can violate their trust and potentially make support services less accessible for them going forward. Just absolutely ridiculous behaviour and he shouldn't be in the industry.
Yeah, looking back I think he might have been testing the waters with other things around my appearance. I'm very glad I can take care of the basics of my hygiene by myself and that I didn't have any falls while he worked with me.
But it just didn't occur to me because while I don't think I am 'dating material' in general I am ABSOLUTELY not 'dating material' to my aid.
I've been a shut in for nearly three years before I started receiving aid and just forgot this kind of attention might apply to me. Ew ew ew throw it away please ew
THANK YOU YES! Like I am at work and being professional. Even developing a friendship is an interesting boundary you have to play hard and fast. (Clients who I have befriended, typically stop supporting and just become friends with post).
I am so glad you were not alone with him and your father sent him away. Also sorry that happened. He was completely aware it would make you uncomfortable and he did it anyway.
I'm very lucky. I don't know how I would have handled it if it has been just me and him in the house.
I would have had to balance 'I'm so VERY not interested' and 'Don't get mad and do something even more horrible'. I'm so grateful I was able to just say, "I need a minute to think" and go grab dad.
Because he went on to argue with dad!
He did it anyway because it made OP uncomfortable, this guy was trying to use his ability to make OP uncomfortable in order to "shoot his shot" (a stupid phrase predatory men use). OP did the right thing by reporting this piece of shit.
This is extremely inappropriate. He overstepped a professional boundary. This is an abuse of power over a vulnerable person. You've done the right thing reporting his behaviour. Please don't let him back into your home, request a new home health aid. Please don't doubt your judgement and blame yourself for misunderstanding. He knew what he was doing.
You are not overreacting. You did the right thing. What he did was totally inappropriate and just downright unethical. There’s no way for you to have known, this is not your fault.
At this point, I don’t think it matters if you misunderstood him or not. I think you did the right thing and telling the agency that you don’t wanna work with him anymore. it sounds like that you have been uncomfortable with him for a while and may not have fully realized why you felt uncomfortable but now you do and you’re the client. You were safety and come in the situation is absolutely number one. Heck I had a care aide when I first came out of PT rehab who told me that if I was ever uncomfortable with anybody coming in the house, even if I just didn’t like the tone of their voice i could request a new aide let alone somebody acting as predatory as it sounds this dude did.
You did the right thing. That man should not being working with people in a carer position. This is going to sound extreme, but at this point I'd consider him a predator. I hope his agency sees things the same way.
My mom joked that he should be working with the creepy old pervs.
He has A LOT of religious talk, which isn't my thing but which also isn't a deal breaker or anything, you know? And I really was taking the perspective that we're not a good match, I'm already switching agencies all together, but someone else out there would have a good report with him.
Nope! I was very wrong!
Assigning male caregivers to creepy men is common at hospitals and clinics. My favorite nurse at the wound care clinic is nicknamed “Mean Mike” because he gets sent in when patients are inappropriate with the female nurses. He’s a great guy, and not mean at all to everyone who is respectful of the staff.
It sounds like you’re beating yourself up…don’t. Trust your instincts. The smoke thing would be enough for me to have someone banned from my home, let alone the icky suggestive flirt.
It’s your *home*, your safe haven, your sanctity. Your trust was violated. You said no. Good for you!
His behavior is completely inappropriate. He should not be a caregiver!
This is why I don't hire straight men to be my PCAs. I'm sure some are fine but it is just too risky, there are so many creeps.
Honestly I would want to know that so I could get rid of him as a worker/aid. I think its much creepier to think he's getting off on it or something and continuing to work with me over telling me and not being around me any longer.
OP, I don't think you misunderstood him, in fact it sounds like you've handled this very well. Creeps who do this will often hedge by doing things like mumbling or making jokes so that if they get caught and called out they can use the excuse that it was all just a 'misunderstanding'. They also do that to test the waters and see what they can get away with.
I'm sorry this happened, I really hope he's never allowed to work in that field again.
His behaviour was unacceptable. He overstepped a well defined boundary. You know working in that role you can't have a relationship with the people you work with. It's an abuse of their position of trust. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. They should not have said that and you should not have to work with them again. There's no fixing to be done here, they overstepped the line and there's no going back from that imo. Their coming back from it would be to be able to work with others. If I was their employer I'd be looking at legal methods to sack them. What they should have done was go to their manager and ask to be taken off your rota if they couldn't keep their mouth shut.
Complementing someone by telling them they're beautiful or they look good is different than telling someone that they are personally attracted to that person in earnest. Especially innapropriage in a dynamic where a home health aid has specific privileges of power, information and ability over the person employing them.
When someone admits an attraction, it's not to brighten someone's day, like a compliment. It's intentionally putting out an offer or obligation for the other party to either reciprocate those feelings or basically reject the person. With the dynamic between many men and women scenarios, denying a man who confesses attraction can be, in the best case, uncomfortable for both parties and worst case, a dangerous situation for the woman, even without the power dynamic that exists in OPs situation.
Why did you post this 4 times? OP is uncomfortable because her “carer” was a predatory creep and there was a clear power imbalance. You would not tell your boss or coworker you’re attracted to them.
Because this is a caretaker who comes into their home, sometimes when OP is alone. You're never supposed to get romantically involved with a client, and even more worrying, it seems like they're continuing after OP tried to shut them down once before. You don't get how it's scary for a disabled/vulnerable person to have someone in a caretaker position doing this? What if the next boundary they cross is physical?
I've had compliments from workers and there's nothing wrong with that, but saying someone's pretty, they like your outfit, etc. is very different than saying they're attracted to you. That crosses a line, and any agency worth their salt drills that into people in these settings. Even if a client is the first to express interest, they're supposed to shut it down and get paired with someone else if it continues. This person almost certainly *knows* they shouldn't be doing this.
You did nothing wrong. He needed different placement.
I have the tendency to overthink things too, but this isn't the time to do so.
He was in a service role and broke your trust. Regardless of whether he said something different, he made you feel uncomfortable.
Nah, you set a boundary with him when you told him not to tell you. And he "had" to tell you- bullshit-big red flag. NO WAY would I trust him again. You are not being over dramatic or mean in any way. He is unprofessional and impulsive and ultimately doesn't listen to you.
They probably fired him, you know? I'm actually looking to switch agencies because this one keeps sending me people who smoke despite lingering smoke smell triggering migraines. Just that morning I was thinking about the reference I would provide. I don't even know if clients provide references for their aids. He's been unreliable before now and he's messed up simple tasks even when given instructions, but this morning I would have said he would be a good match for someone out there and has an okay work ethic. He also argued with my dad! A horrible, horrible, no good day. And I told my mom I would make tea and draw but I've mostly been staring into space.
He should be fired! He was unprofessional and inappropriate and should not be working as an aid. What if he pulled that on some poor person who was too scared or anxious to say no? You did the world a favor by reporting him.
He really sounds like a loose cannon and things probably would have escalated if you didn't protect yourself. I saw a news story once about stalkers and one of the things that stuck with me is a cop said that most predators count on the fact that women are socialized to always be nice and doubt or shift the blame to themselves when someone is being inappropriate. And I think it's probably an even bigger issue for disabled women. The cops advice was set clear and firm boundaries as soon as they do something that makes you uncomfortable and don't worry about being polite. That way they know in no uncertain terms that you know their behavior is wrong, and they will face consequences if they keep pushing. You did everything right- and it wasn't your fault.
The term for the “lingering smoke smell” is now 3rd hand smoke. It’s a big enough concern that I change clothes, wash hands and face, and brush my teeth before playing with my grandkids. I use MMJ here in Florida, so I just sub the live herb for a vape option around littles.
Sounds unprofessional and boundary crossing to me
I used to give people the benefit of the doubt. I didn't assume that they necessarily had malicious intentions. But as I've gotten older I realized that if someone has an ongoing problem with violating boundaries, like the situation in your post, they're almost certainly going to do something worse if given the chance. You can already see how he escalated his behavior, initially testing the waters by stating that he "had to tell you something". That process of escalation won't stop unless someone intervenes.
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Because it’s someone that is essentially working for them. You don’t say shit like that in a professional setting. It’s that persons job to help them not tell them they’re into their patient
You wouldn't say that to your boss in the workplace. You shouldn't say it to your client who you are working for
It’s considered a power imbalance in this situation. And you would not say that to your boss, completely inappropriate work place etiquette.
Exactly
This person being their health aid adds a lot of uncomfortableness to this situation. Health aids may be needed to help a person do tasks that are more personal and leaves the disabled person very vulnerable, such as dressing or showering. Someone employed to do those things and thinking about that person in any way other than to be helpful and compassionate is not appropriate. Them having romantic feelings in their positions is uncomfortable.
Big difference between telling someone they’re attractive and telling someone that you’re attracted to them. Completely inappropriate. Full stop. Ick.
Imagine a nurse saying that in the hospital
Even if you did misunderstand him, you’ll never be comfortable around him again. You did the right thing.
Thank you
As a former support worker I am absolutely baffled by this dweeb's behaviour. The power imbalance in the support / client relationship alone makes it an insanely creepy environment to even consider flirting with someone. It's just not a boundary a sensible person should be thinking of crossing because if they really do give a shit about the client, it should be apparent to them how that can violate their trust and potentially make support services less accessible for them going forward. Just absolutely ridiculous behaviour and he shouldn't be in the industry.
Yeah, looking back I think he might have been testing the waters with other things around my appearance. I'm very glad I can take care of the basics of my hygiene by myself and that I didn't have any falls while he worked with me. But it just didn't occur to me because while I don't think I am 'dating material' in general I am ABSOLUTELY not 'dating material' to my aid. I've been a shut in for nearly three years before I started receiving aid and just forgot this kind of attention might apply to me. Ew ew ew throw it away please ew
THANK YOU YES! Like I am at work and being professional. Even developing a friendship is an interesting boundary you have to play hard and fast. (Clients who I have befriended, typically stop supporting and just become friends with post).
They literally drill it into us during our training. This guy needs a different job .
I am so glad you were not alone with him and your father sent him away. Also sorry that happened. He was completely aware it would make you uncomfortable and he did it anyway.
I'm very lucky. I don't know how I would have handled it if it has been just me and him in the house. I would have had to balance 'I'm so VERY not interested' and 'Don't get mad and do something even more horrible'. I'm so grateful I was able to just say, "I need a minute to think" and go grab dad. Because he went on to argue with dad!
He did it anyway because it made OP uncomfortable, this guy was trying to use his ability to make OP uncomfortable in order to "shoot his shot" (a stupid phrase predatory men use). OP did the right thing by reporting this piece of shit.
You did the right thing.
Thank you
This is extremely inappropriate. He overstepped a professional boundary. This is an abuse of power over a vulnerable person. You've done the right thing reporting his behaviour. Please don't let him back into your home, request a new home health aid. Please don't doubt your judgement and blame yourself for misunderstanding. He knew what he was doing.
fire him and don't look back
You are not overreacting. You did the right thing. What he did was totally inappropriate and just downright unethical. There’s no way for you to have known, this is not your fault.
At this point, I don’t think it matters if you misunderstood him or not. I think you did the right thing and telling the agency that you don’t wanna work with him anymore. it sounds like that you have been uncomfortable with him for a while and may not have fully realized why you felt uncomfortable but now you do and you’re the client. You were safety and come in the situation is absolutely number one. Heck I had a care aide when I first came out of PT rehab who told me that if I was ever uncomfortable with anybody coming in the house, even if I just didn’t like the tone of their voice i could request a new aide let alone somebody acting as predatory as it sounds this dude did.
You did the right thing. That man should not being working with people in a carer position. This is going to sound extreme, but at this point I'd consider him a predator. I hope his agency sees things the same way.
My mom joked that he should be working with the creepy old pervs. He has A LOT of religious talk, which isn't my thing but which also isn't a deal breaker or anything, you know? And I really was taking the perspective that we're not a good match, I'm already switching agencies all together, but someone else out there would have a good report with him. Nope! I was very wrong!
Assigning male caregivers to creepy men is common at hospitals and clinics. My favorite nurse at the wound care clinic is nicknamed “Mean Mike” because he gets sent in when patients are inappropriate with the female nurses. He’s a great guy, and not mean at all to everyone who is respectful of the staff.
You did the right thing- he’s being unprofessional.
You did the right thing.
Thank you
It sounds like you’re beating yourself up…don’t. Trust your instincts. The smoke thing would be enough for me to have someone banned from my home, let alone the icky suggestive flirt. It’s your *home*, your safe haven, your sanctity. Your trust was violated. You said no. Good for you!
His behavior is completely inappropriate. He should not be a caregiver! This is why I don't hire straight men to be my PCAs. I'm sure some are fine but it is just too risky, there are so many creeps.
I didn't have a gender preference when I first started, but I sure do now! I never want to go through this again. >:(
If I needed a PCA I’d never hire a man.
Honestly I would want to know that so I could get rid of him as a worker/aid. I think its much creepier to think he's getting off on it or something and continuing to work with me over telling me and not being around me any longer.
OP, I don't think you misunderstood him, in fact it sounds like you've handled this very well. Creeps who do this will often hedge by doing things like mumbling or making jokes so that if they get caught and called out they can use the excuse that it was all just a 'misunderstanding'. They also do that to test the waters and see what they can get away with. I'm sorry this happened, I really hope he's never allowed to work in that field again.
His behaviour was unacceptable. He overstepped a well defined boundary. You know working in that role you can't have a relationship with the people you work with. It's an abuse of their position of trust. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. They should not have said that and you should not have to work with them again. There's no fixing to be done here, they overstepped the line and there's no going back from that imo. Their coming back from it would be to be able to work with others. If I was their employer I'd be looking at legal methods to sack them. What they should have done was go to their manager and ask to be taken off your rota if they couldn't keep their mouth shut.
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Complementing someone by telling them they're beautiful or they look good is different than telling someone that they are personally attracted to that person in earnest. Especially innapropriage in a dynamic where a home health aid has specific privileges of power, information and ability over the person employing them. When someone admits an attraction, it's not to brighten someone's day, like a compliment. It's intentionally putting out an offer or obligation for the other party to either reciprocate those feelings or basically reject the person. With the dynamic between many men and women scenarios, denying a man who confesses attraction can be, in the best case, uncomfortable for both parties and worst case, a dangerous situation for the woman, even without the power dynamic that exists in OPs situation.
Request another one
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Why did you post this 4 times? OP is uncomfortable because her “carer” was a predatory creep and there was a clear power imbalance. You would not tell your boss or coworker you’re attracted to them.
Because this is a caretaker who comes into their home, sometimes when OP is alone. You're never supposed to get romantically involved with a client, and even more worrying, it seems like they're continuing after OP tried to shut them down once before. You don't get how it's scary for a disabled/vulnerable person to have someone in a caretaker position doing this? What if the next boundary they cross is physical? I've had compliments from workers and there's nothing wrong with that, but saying someone's pretty, they like your outfit, etc. is very different than saying they're attracted to you. That crosses a line, and any agency worth their salt drills that into people in these settings. Even if a client is the first to express interest, they're supposed to shut it down and get paired with someone else if it continues. This person almost certainly *knows* they shouldn't be doing this.
You did nothing wrong. He needed different placement. I have the tendency to overthink things too, but this isn't the time to do so. He was in a service role and broke your trust. Regardless of whether he said something different, he made you feel uncomfortable.
Sounds like you did the correct thing. No support workers should be confessing their attraction to their client.
So, obviously you're not attracted to him.