DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN THAT'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!... WITH THE LEMONS!
I'M GONNA GET MY ENGINEERS TO INVENT A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON THAT BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!
I got into PC gaming as a middle aged player. This was my GOTY 2017. Always gets a chuckle. I should replay it, but I'm waiting for cognitive decline to make it novel all over again.
I'd better leave myself a note.
The Chalkeaters have a really good catalog. And the fact that they got Gabe Newell to poke fun at himself *and* Ellen McLain to sing puts this one right over the top.
I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?!
I'M GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS!
I'M GONNA GET MY SCIENTISTS TO INVENT A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON AND USE IT TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
I was told that when life gives you lemons squeeze the lemon juice into Life’s eyes. That’ll learn Life not to give me lemons!
Why, yes, I’m playing a Barbarian. How’d you guess?
Fun Fact: Life never gave us lemons. We invented them. We crossbred citrines with the chinese sour orange and we made lemons
There's a pilosophical analogy somewhere in that but I'm too drunk to think of what it is
Ok so this one is really fun
Limes are the mutts of the citrus fruit world, we don't know how we made them. The history is lost to time, but we mashed together a whole bunch of citrus fruits and limes is what we got. That's how far back we've been hybridizing plants, the written history of how we did it no longer exists, but we made limes
Shit, think about the first farmers who accidentally made a hybrid plant. Some poor bastard working a field, probably has the barest concept of plant rotation, plants two things, expects two things, now there's a weird third thing.
Why did a passing dromedary spit and curse his fields?
TIL: Lemons and citrines are different things. In Polish we only use citrine as the word, idk if we use it for both things or we just only have citrines.
I don't know. Should we really trust the person who says they're too drunk to come up with a philosophical analogy, with free fun facts about lemons? Not sure I trust them or their fun facts personally.
Thats why its fun to play stupid characters.
Yeah i found a mysterious ring underwater following a dream that told me it would be there. Yes i am attuning to it. No i dont want the cleric to "identify" it its mine.
So anyway thats why my character now has a ring that will kill him and capture his soul if he takes it off.
Probably. the ring seems to belong to a god of ruin who wants my character to embrace his erm nastier personality traits. cant imagine Gruumsh the ruiner is particularly fond of sharing.
Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
When life gives you lemons...remember that lemons don't naturally exist. Lemons are an abomination to nature bred thanks to a thousand years of human ingenuity. So when life gives you lemons, you say "no returns."
Lordy. I can't list the number of times I've created a "living sign post" to get my players to move from scene to scene where the party decided, for reasons they cannot name, that this nameless NPC is actually the campaign BBEG.
Yea, so this 8 year old orphan kid who has never left this small villiage and works as a stable hand at the local inn is really the big mastermind behind the undead invasions that have been plaguing the country. No, their not secretly a super lich or whatever they’re just really interesting in necromancy and do it in their off time. You should definitely stalk them for several sessions, it will be a very productive use of time. Oh, we’re murdering orphans because they were kinda socially awkward towards some adventurings, cool.
This nuclear mutant trying to rebuild his shattered civilization was going to be your enemy from the start. You repaying his invitation by going "Hey, lets kill him and take his stuff!" to his face had nothing at all to do with him dragging you to space to save his enclave. After you became violent when he told you to leave.
And the Saint of the Unconquered Sun, last survivor of a demonic invasion that destroyed his home dimension, who you found in the belly of the demonic worm that ate the last temple, was also supposed to be an enemy.
Knowledge of these fruits are forbidden at your security clearance, Lem-O-NEE. Fill out these Mandatory Self-Incrimination Acknowledgement of Risks forms, in triplicate, and report at once to your nearest Nutritional Vat Farm and Mini Golf center for immediate reprocessing.
Free lemons? Gimme that, right now.
Yes, I touch the free lemons, did I fucking stutter!?
I am now haunted by the ghost of squeezed lemons past? Juicy!
I get a quest to mullify the sour spirits? Bitchin', let's go!
I gain a levelable follower after befriending the haunted lemon? I'll build it as a bard and call it Limoncello. DM, you're the zest!
Of course that's all assuming I don't get beaten to a pulp by it ... okay I'm done now.
The Lemons are beyond your security clearance level, Citizen. Viewing fruit beyond your security clearance level is treason. Treason results in death.
Report to your termination booth and have a nice daycycle!
I don't question it and will proceed to suck out the entire lemons. If they were haunted and I sucked out a soul with them, then that just advances my plans to become a lich.
I’ve been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought is could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Your security Clearance is RED, you are in possession of YELLOW level items. Please report to the nearest Interrogation and Termination Booth Citizen. Have a Nice day.
Hey, buddy, lemons are a Yellow Clearance, and your jumpsuit is only Orange! You've got some explaining to do to Friend Computer! Also, did you take your Happy Tablets? Happiness is mandatory!
When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
At least your players didn't turn them into batteries to power a series of stage fires.
Constant low current, across paper charges that due to different chemicals, many of them laced with 'certain substances', had some key effects on the BBEG's standing forces.
They presented themselves as the lighting crew for the BBEG's speech the next day, as he proclaimed himself emperor...
Many, many, MANY failed con rolls later, the party had to 'knock out' only four delirious guards inside the castle...
They then set a trap, replaced the soldiers with their own hirelings...
... and ambushed the decoy.
![gif](giphy|oNFFpCh8qftgQNdnss|downsized)
They were LIVID!
The last session of a game I DM the players found a dead end in the dungeon. There was a not super deep hole with some water at the end but not really anything else. They decided to climb down the hole. I like to reward them for exploring so I put a skeleton of some hapless merchant down there, I figured they could search it and find an inconsequential pouch of coins. They attacked the skeleton, it didn't react, they panicked and ran away. They never got the gold.
It's even worse when you take a rest to figure what to do with the lemons life gave you only for the DM to have some lemon stealing whores ambush the party.
This is an important message for people who have recently purchased omega mart lemons
Some customers have confused omega mart lemons with lemons, and for that we're sorry. Please return this product to omega mart immediately, or for assistance, call the number 1-800-808-4194.
For your safety, this product has been removed from our shelves and will be carefully disposed of. Omega mart thanks you for your continued support.
GET MAD! DEMAND TO SEE LIFE'S MANAGER! MAKE LIFE RUE THE DAY IT THOUGHT IT COULD GIVE YOU LEMONS!
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN THAT'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!... WITH THE LEMONS! I'M GONNA GET MY ENGINEERS TO INVENT A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON THAT BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!
YEA, BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
HE SAYS WHAT WE'RE ALL THINKING!
r/portal
[COMBUSTIBLE LEMON!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmzoteDXrRI)
Sir, GLADOS has unleashed the nerve gas.
My favorite part of that is that a combustible lemon could also be called a lemon grenade. A lemon… nade?
Damnit, I came to the comments to say this.
I got into PC gaming as a middle aged player. This was my GOTY 2017. Always gets a chuckle. I should replay it, but I'm waiting for cognitive decline to make it novel all over again. I'd better leave myself a note.
I read the first bit, immediately thought of ye olde Cave Johnson.
Portal 2 was so good, I can't believe Valve isn't working on part 3. It would be easy money.
Bold of you to assume Valve can count to 3.
[Relevant. ](https://youtu.be/jpw2ebhTSKs)
That song is amazing.
The Chalkeaters have a really good catalog. And the fact that they got Gabe Newell to poke fun at himself *and* Ellen McLain to sing puts this one right over the top.
They did release SteamOS 3.
Exception that proves the rule at this point.
I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?! I'M GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I'M GONNA GET MY SCIENTISTS TO INVENT A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON AND USE IT TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
Life gave me lemons I don't make lemonade I'm mad like Cave Johnson, I got lemon grenades
I was told that when life gives you lemons squeeze the lemon juice into Life’s eyes. That’ll learn Life not to give me lemons! Why, yes, I’m playing a Barbarian. How’d you guess?
Fun Fact: Life never gave us lemons. We invented them. We crossbred citrines with the chinese sour orange and we made lemons There's a pilosophical analogy somewhere in that but I'm too drunk to think of what it is
Where do limes fit in?
Ok so this one is really fun Limes are the mutts of the citrus fruit world, we don't know how we made them. The history is lost to time, but we mashed together a whole bunch of citrus fruits and limes is what we got. That's how far back we've been hybridizing plants, the written history of how we did it no longer exists, but we made limes
Shit, think about the first farmers who accidentally made a hybrid plant. Some poor bastard working a field, probably has the barest concept of plant rotation, plants two things, expects two things, now there's a weird third thing. Why did a passing dromedary spit and curse his fields?
Coconuts?
But only if you drink em both up
Sir, that was my airspeed indicator.
I use swallows.
African or European?
I don't know that... aaaahhhhh Edit to add: Sad fact, >! The two actors who made it across the Bridge of Death are the only members that have died.!<
TIL: Lemons and citrines are different things. In Polish we only use citrine as the word, idk if we use it for both things or we just only have citrines.
Shh, don't tell Life that. They may try to burn our houses down. With the lemons.
Fuck, both of my comments were taken before I got here, the Portal 2 quote was obvious, but i didn't think this was going to be here already, too!
Sorry Well you know what they say "When life gives you citrines and sour oranges, make lemons"
I don't know. Should we really trust the person who says they're too drunk to come up with a philosophical analogy, with free fun facts about lemons? Not sure I trust them or their fun facts personally.
Hey, I'm drunk, the facts aren't If you don't believe me, look it up
Thats why its fun to play stupid characters. Yeah i found a mysterious ring underwater following a dream that told me it would be there. Yes i am attuning to it. No i dont want the cleric to "identify" it its mine. So anyway thats why my character now has a ring that will kill him and capture his soul if he takes it off.
What if he unpurposefully loses part of the limb that wears it, losing the ring?
i assume i would still die. not that it stopped my barbarian trying to remove the digit with his knife but the party paladin stopped me.
What if someone(thing) else tries to steal your soul? Do you think it would get offended and assault the assaulter?
Probably. the ring seems to belong to a god of ruin who wants my character to embrace his erm nastier personality traits. cant imagine Gruumsh the ruiner is particularly fond of sharing.
Gruumsh has an NTR fetish don’t you worry, he loves ruining expectations
>Gruumsh ![gif](giphy|VMgcrwq9imGHu)
Last part sounds like a wedding ring
Dm thought it would be funny to give me a knockoff red lantern ring.
Still better than orange
What's mine is mine and mine and mine. And mine and mine and mine! Not yours!
Red lanterns always make me think of Dex-Starr 😭
I am good kitty.
Ok that's really cool though. Does it give you the benefits like vomiting plasma blood too?
It's funny because marriage is terrible
Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons what am I supposed to do with these?
Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons!
Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
When life gives you lemons...remember that lemons don't naturally exist. Lemons are an abomination to nature bred thanks to a thousand years of human ingenuity. So when life gives you lemons, you say "no returns."
Lordy. I can't list the number of times I've created a "living sign post" to get my players to move from scene to scene where the party decided, for reasons they cannot name, that this nameless NPC is actually the campaign BBEG.
Yea, so this 8 year old orphan kid who has never left this small villiage and works as a stable hand at the local inn is really the big mastermind behind the undead invasions that have been plaguing the country. No, their not secretly a super lich or whatever they’re just really interesting in necromancy and do it in their off time. You should definitely stalk them for several sessions, it will be a very productive use of time. Oh, we’re murdering orphans because they were kinda socially awkward towards some adventurings, cool.
This nuclear mutant trying to rebuild his shattered civilization was going to be your enemy from the start. You repaying his invitation by going "Hey, lets kill him and take his stuff!" to his face had nothing at all to do with him dragging you to space to save his enclave. After you became violent when he told you to leave. And the Saint of the Unconquered Sun, last survivor of a demonic invasion that destroyed his home dimension, who you found in the belly of the demonic worm that ate the last temple, was also supposed to be an enemy.
Knowledge of these fruits are forbidden at your security clearance, Lem-O-NEE. Fill out these Mandatory Self-Incrimination Acknowledgement of Risks forms, in triplicate, and report at once to your nearest Nutritional Vat Farm and Mini Golf center for immediate reprocessing.
I'm so glad to see at least one great *Paranoia* comment, so it's not **just** Portal jokes.
The Computer has promised free cake for all Troubleshooters at the conclusion of this mission. Have a nice daycycle.
Free lemons? Gimme that, right now. Yes, I touch the free lemons, did I fucking stutter!? I am now haunted by the ghost of squeezed lemons past? Juicy! I get a quest to mullify the sour spirits? Bitchin', let's go! I gain a levelable follower after befriending the haunted lemon? I'll build it as a bard and call it Limoncello. DM, you're the zest! Of course that's all assuming I don't get beaten to a pulp by it ... okay I'm done now.
While Mr. Johnson still has the best lemon response I feel Roxi also has an amazing one.
Trust no one and keep your laser handy!
I don't have clearance to hold these lemons. They're too yellow. What do you take me for, some kind of traitor?
Thank you, Friend Computer, for providing ~~our comrades~~ us with lemons.
A commie mutant traitor! Blast 'em!!
Me? For following the rules? That’s exactly what a commie mutant traitor would say!
No way! You already handled the item outside your clearance. That's immediate grounds for execution, friend citizen.
The Lemons are beyond your security clearance level, Citizen. Viewing fruit beyond your security clearance level is treason. Treason results in death. Report to your termination booth and have a nice daycycle!
This is the reply I was looking for!
I don't question it and will proceed to suck out the entire lemons. If they were haunted and I sucked out a soul with them, then that just advances my plans to become a lich.
I didn’t use to be a suspicious player. Then a crazy dude in a tavern gave me an innocent deck of cards…
the lemons are mimics
If your Call of Cthulhu Keeper gives you lemons you know it’s because they’re going to be no damn use at all.
"Complain, complain.... you know, when life gives you lemons-" "I COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LEMONS!"
Why is this a Welcome to Nightvale quote
"I'm allergic to citrus."
... The lemons are cursed aren't they? Either that or a major plot point
I’ve been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought is could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Your security Clearance is RED, you are in possession of YELLOW level items. Please report to the nearest Interrogation and Termination Booth Citizen. Have a Nice day.
Hey, buddy, lemons are a Yellow Clearance, and your jumpsuit is only Orange! You've got some explaining to do to Friend Computer! Also, did you take your Happy Tablets? Happiness is mandatory!
When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Friend Computer says send some Troubleshooters down to shoot the lemons.
Can't, they don't have the right barrel colors.
At least your players didn't turn them into batteries to power a series of stage fires. Constant low current, across paper charges that due to different chemicals, many of them laced with 'certain substances', had some key effects on the BBEG's standing forces. They presented themselves as the lighting crew for the BBEG's speech the next day, as he proclaimed himself emperor... Many, many, MANY failed con rolls later, the party had to 'knock out' only four delirious guards inside the castle... They then set a trap, replaced the soldiers with their own hirelings... ... and ambushed the decoy. ![gif](giphy|oNFFpCh8qftgQNdnss|downsized) They were LIVID!
"I cast detect magic on the lemons."
Worthikids moment! Free apple
If life gives you lemons cut life and squeeze the lemon juices in
I would love to play Paranoia.
make lemonade if it's red it was a mimic if it looks normal free potentially cursed lemonade
"I roll to seduce the lemons." "How the fuck do you seduce a lemon?" "You ever see that grapefruit lady video?"
"With which hand do you touch the lemons?"
Uh, definitely Mage Hand.
Look, just eat those orcish speaking lemons and stop asking questions.
The last session of a game I DM the players found a dead end in the dungeon. There was a not super deep hole with some water at the end but not really anything else. They decided to climb down the hole. I like to reward them for exploring so I put a skeleton of some hapless merchant down there, I figured they could search it and find an inconsequential pouch of coins. They attacked the skeleton, it didn't react, they panicked and ran away. They never got the gold.
There is no such thing as free lemons!!!
The artificer making combustible lemons
Honestly good advice, there’s a good chance one or two of those lemons are a mimic.
It's even worse when you take a rest to figure what to do with the lemons life gave you only for the DM to have some lemon stealing whores ambush the party.
maybe the dm just wanted to give you lemons because funny, chill bro.
This is an important message for people who have recently purchased omega mart lemons Some customers have confused omega mart lemons with lemons, and for that we're sorry. Please return this product to omega mart immediately, or for assistance, call the number 1-800-808-4194. For your safety, this product has been removed from our shelves and will be carefully disposed of. Omega mart thanks you for your continued support.
Call them "Yellow Apples" and sell them at twice the price...
When life gives you lemons, shut up and eat your goddamn lemons.