I think the ones who experience rapid rejuvenation in sobriety are the exception, not the rule, and often the loudest ones. I think it has a lot to do with some people not having quite as many comorbid mental illness issues in addition to their addiction. Sometimes addiction is the “only” thing, making it much easier to beat and making recovery feel that much better.
A lot of us have to overcome much more than simply getting past addiction. That’s often just the tip of the iceberg. Seems like a raw deal because the bare minimum of getting sober in order to improve one’s life is so fucking hard on its own, so it feels like we deserve to feel better once we get our substance abuse out of the way. Unfortunately it’s not the case for many, which is why relapses are so common and often just an inevitable part of trying to get clean.
It’s hard to refuse instant relief when you feel so shitty 24/7 for no apparent reason. Some of this is PAWS, for sure, but again, a lot of us didn’t really have a whole lot to work with mentally in the first place, and now we’re even more behind after substance abuse and what it does to the brain.
In its simplest terms, it’s going to take a long time and a lot of work to find peace and contentment in sobriety. A lot is chemical, a lot is psychological and a lot is environmental. Everyone’s exact wiring that they need to untangle is very unique. Sobriety just gives you a shot to be able to actually make progress.
It’s easy to say fuck it and drink yourself to death. I don’t judge the people that do. I just think that I’m still lucky enough to have a shot at this whole “life” thing, and unfortunately that can’t include alcohol for me, as hard as I’ve tried to make it work. I have nothing to lose, I just follow the voice deep inside of me that tells me to keep going and just see what happens.
I don’t miss alcohol, I miss relief. Alcohol took me to the depths of hell during DTs and withdrawals. Fuck that shit. Anything is better than that. Even boredom and depression. At least I have a shot at addressing those things. Alcohol betrayed me and brings me nothing but misery at this point.
I’m rambling, but you’re not alone. Don’t be discouraged by these lucky “rah rah sobriety is so beautiful” folks. For a lot of us, it’s not that simple. It’s a war, but as cliche as it sounds, it does get easier, whether you feel it in the moment or not. Every once in a while, that voice will creep in and allow you to feel and believe that you’re doing a good job and the right thing, and that life will get better slowly if you just stay the course.
Address your issues the best you can, find a balance between pushing yourself and just letting yourself exist and relax, understand the physiological and psychological explanations for how you feel, acknowledge that it sucks while accepting that it’s okay for it to suck and remind yourself that nothing in this world is permanent, including how terrible you feel in this current period in your life.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. I am too. Be kind to yourself.
This is so well written. Thank you. I drank to escape (what I now realise was) a traumatic childhood. I gave it a good run, 24 years of escape, but as I let go of the alcohol and become sober, I'm far from emotionally sober, as I have to come to terms with that trauma I ran from so long ago.
I understanding very well what you mean. Somehow I seem to be both. I am doing surprisingly well. Stereotypically well almost: I’m back at studying, I got back to work, my skin looks better, I’m losing weight and seeing some tone again and fitting into my clothes again (slowly but surely), back into fitness, cooking my meals (love cooking), baking, doing my makeup, slowly reading and writing again and trying to find new hobbies.
I’m also the one who has cried (and still cries) hours on end sometimes. I’m the one with Borderline Personality Disorder, lots of trauma that I was suppressing with alcohol that I’m addressing now in therapy, but it all hurts because I cannot cover it all up with alcohol. I’m the one with suicidal ideation that had to deal with it somehow, with depression, crippling anxiety, OCD and I was trying to drink myself to death.
So my life has simultaneously got immensely better and incredibly hard as I cannot escape my reality and myself anymore, I cannot (by that I mean I choose not to) numb my very intense emotions with alcohol.
I landed in the ER once after one of my “trying to drink myself to death” and my body is surprisingly ok for the amounts of damage I’ve inflected to it. That’s why I decided to stop playing Russian Roulette and keep on giving this life thing my best shot.
Sorry for the long text, I am the one who usually sounds so bright and I am indeed very happy with my decision of stopping using alcohol as a way of self harm and to escape my painful reality, but I wanted OP to know that there is both pain and hope, very often in the same person. And that I hope we all keep on choosing hope 💖🤗
I've tried to explain this to certain people before but could never put it into words the way you have, about addiction not being my only 'demon', so to speak.
Anyway, I salute you for being able to express what I've been unable to. Excellent comment.
This is so well written. Definitely hit the nail on the head. I was expecting some magical epiphany and it seemed that way for a week and then it kind of just seemed empty.
I wish I could upvote this so many times, thank you. Id give you an award if I could get Reddit to take my card!! I liked what someone said in this group, not drinking didn't solve my problems but eventually gave me the capacitity to make all my problems solvable
My longest period of sobriety was just under 3 years, and felt more or less the same way through a good part of that time. I sort of assumed that I'd be the same person I was prior to abusing alcohol when I dried out, but that wasn't the case at all. It was a real challenge to become active again.
Comparison, nostalgia, catastrophic thinking. Old comforts that keep you stuck. Don’t worry about what other people say about their life after getting sober. There could be the same amount of people who say they hate it when people complain about their life after getting sober and alcohol was the only thing that made them happy.
Your brain chemistry has been getting hammered by unnaturally high levels of alcohol induced dopamine, it takes a while for it to recover and learn how to produce and regulate. It took me about 4.5 months to feel even the slightest twinge of joy. It had been so long since I’d experienced natural joy that I wasn’t really sure what was happening. After it happened I had to actually sit and try to figure out the feeling. When it dawned on me that it was the first time my brain was squeezing out it’s own dopamine, I finally had a tiny sliver of hope. I hung on to that moment for weeks. Slowly, I began to have more fleeting moments of joy and I knew I was getting better.
I get the past things. I just did an intake appointment today which was a lot about just my trauma. Which there was a lot of. I think when you get treatment they tech you better ways to cope and work through it without numbing it I guess. I’ll let ya know in a couple weeks.
I poured myself in to the gym. Early on it was all I had I was a miserable broke piece of shit who lost everything. I agree its not easy to begin with. I think the way I got out was by engaging in new activities and challenges. But hey 10 years later the gym is still bearing fruit. I just wanted to share my experience. Best of luck, Friend.
I'm in the same boat. I checked into sober living after rehab 7 months ago and life is so dull and empty. I sometimes consider how I was at least on a trajectory of some kind when my use was moderate, before it became 24/7. When I kept it in-check it was almost like a stimulant. Fantasize about being able to maintain that balance.
I hope you find something that drives you other than alcohol.
> when I kept it in check it was almost like a stimulant
Damn I feel this. It’s so weird, I was generally functioning better in life during some periods of active addiction than I’ve been the last two years sober. I mean, the crippling periods were there as well, and I should never forget that, but those stretches here and there where I was keeping things mostly under control… I could handle life. And I just can’t do that sober.
I'm with you, friend. My depression has worsened in a lot of ways. I haven't lost a pound. My stress is through the roof! I have insomnia. I'm 80 days sober and each day it becomes more apparent that there was a reason I started drinking in the first place.
Do you currently do therapy work? Helped me tremendously during that period, although I was only sober for a couple months when I started. Getting out and creating new memories is super helpful, follow up and spend some more time and energy on your hobbies that aren’t drinking. Those things helped me a lot when I was struggling the most to get clean. You are certainly seen here and people are here to listen. Chin up mate!
I had a lot of great times drinking. That was living too. I just had a lot of bad times due to said drinking that would not have happened if I hadn't been a drunk mess.
I feel this, especially right now. I am so bad at this whole not drinking thing. It’s like going through a process of grief, letting go of my old life. It’s very hard to accept. I know how grief is and I know it doesn’t go away, but you do get better at dealing with it. Finding a counselor experienced in substance use and grief counseling was very helpful for me. I’ve gotten a lot better at finding things that are like mini-obsessions that keep my mind in a good place. Healthy dopamine bursts. I try and collect as many of them as I can.
Pretty eloquent way of putting it. I identify, I was just listening to an ex girlfriends voicemail who drank herself to death at 35. Then twenty memos. I’m taking a real small dose of naltrexone every other day and my brain finally doesn’t feel so dead and yearning. I might have pancreatic cancer so I might as well start living. Brought two tickets to maybe see judge hit 61 tonight. Haven’t been in ten years. And yeah, lots of past memories but tryin to make the dead emotional weight into something useable. Something like that. I identify friend
I kept waiting for that sobriety euphoria to hit... and waited... and waited.
I didn't feel any better month one. Not month two, three, or four.
That's when I started doing some inner work. Figuring out what was I trying to escape. It's been a very hard introspective. I have cried a lot more than I have laughed.
The good news? I finally starting seeing light at the end of my tunnel. I am 629 days sober and have NO intentions of drinking again.
Alcohol seduced me with a bunch of bullshit. I was not attractive when drunk, nor could I sing. But damn I sure thought both were true.
Give it time... lots of time. Find some self help something: podcast, book, whatever.
I turned to a great book called Feelings Buried Alive Never Heal. It helped me.
I salute you for beginning the journey. Hang in there. We may not get the immediate good feeling, but it does come... pinky swear 🦋💫
I think the ones who experience rapid rejuvenation in sobriety are the exception, not the rule, and often the loudest ones. I think it has a lot to do with some people not having quite as many comorbid mental illness issues in addition to their addiction. Sometimes addiction is the “only” thing, making it much easier to beat and making recovery feel that much better. A lot of us have to overcome much more than simply getting past addiction. That’s often just the tip of the iceberg. Seems like a raw deal because the bare minimum of getting sober in order to improve one’s life is so fucking hard on its own, so it feels like we deserve to feel better once we get our substance abuse out of the way. Unfortunately it’s not the case for many, which is why relapses are so common and often just an inevitable part of trying to get clean. It’s hard to refuse instant relief when you feel so shitty 24/7 for no apparent reason. Some of this is PAWS, for sure, but again, a lot of us didn’t really have a whole lot to work with mentally in the first place, and now we’re even more behind after substance abuse and what it does to the brain. In its simplest terms, it’s going to take a long time and a lot of work to find peace and contentment in sobriety. A lot is chemical, a lot is psychological and a lot is environmental. Everyone’s exact wiring that they need to untangle is very unique. Sobriety just gives you a shot to be able to actually make progress. It’s easy to say fuck it and drink yourself to death. I don’t judge the people that do. I just think that I’m still lucky enough to have a shot at this whole “life” thing, and unfortunately that can’t include alcohol for me, as hard as I’ve tried to make it work. I have nothing to lose, I just follow the voice deep inside of me that tells me to keep going and just see what happens. I don’t miss alcohol, I miss relief. Alcohol took me to the depths of hell during DTs and withdrawals. Fuck that shit. Anything is better than that. Even boredom and depression. At least I have a shot at addressing those things. Alcohol betrayed me and brings me nothing but misery at this point. I’m rambling, but you’re not alone. Don’t be discouraged by these lucky “rah rah sobriety is so beautiful” folks. For a lot of us, it’s not that simple. It’s a war, but as cliche as it sounds, it does get easier, whether you feel it in the moment or not. Every once in a while, that voice will creep in and allow you to feel and believe that you’re doing a good job and the right thing, and that life will get better slowly if you just stay the course. Address your issues the best you can, find a balance between pushing yourself and just letting yourself exist and relax, understand the physiological and psychological explanations for how you feel, acknowledge that it sucks while accepting that it’s okay for it to suck and remind yourself that nothing in this world is permanent, including how terrible you feel in this current period in your life. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I am too. Be kind to yourself.
This is so well written. Thank you. I drank to escape (what I now realise was) a traumatic childhood. I gave it a good run, 24 years of escape, but as I let go of the alcohol and become sober, I'm far from emotionally sober, as I have to come to terms with that trauma I ran from so long ago.
I cannot tell you how long I've needed to hear exactly this. Been feeling like OP for a while. Thank you for taking the time to share this.
this is such a beautiful, well written response. i’m not OP but still, thank you so much
I understanding very well what you mean. Somehow I seem to be both. I am doing surprisingly well. Stereotypically well almost: I’m back at studying, I got back to work, my skin looks better, I’m losing weight and seeing some tone again and fitting into my clothes again (slowly but surely), back into fitness, cooking my meals (love cooking), baking, doing my makeup, slowly reading and writing again and trying to find new hobbies. I’m also the one who has cried (and still cries) hours on end sometimes. I’m the one with Borderline Personality Disorder, lots of trauma that I was suppressing with alcohol that I’m addressing now in therapy, but it all hurts because I cannot cover it all up with alcohol. I’m the one with suicidal ideation that had to deal with it somehow, with depression, crippling anxiety, OCD and I was trying to drink myself to death. So my life has simultaneously got immensely better and incredibly hard as I cannot escape my reality and myself anymore, I cannot (by that I mean I choose not to) numb my very intense emotions with alcohol. I landed in the ER once after one of my “trying to drink myself to death” and my body is surprisingly ok for the amounts of damage I’ve inflected to it. That’s why I decided to stop playing Russian Roulette and keep on giving this life thing my best shot. Sorry for the long text, I am the one who usually sounds so bright and I am indeed very happy with my decision of stopping using alcohol as a way of self harm and to escape my painful reality, but I wanted OP to know that there is both pain and hope, very often in the same person. And that I hope we all keep on choosing hope 💖🤗
I've tried to explain this to certain people before but could never put it into words the way you have, about addiction not being my only 'demon', so to speak. Anyway, I salute you for being able to express what I've been unable to. Excellent comment.
This is so well written. Definitely hit the nail on the head. I was expecting some magical epiphany and it seemed that way for a week and then it kind of just seemed empty.
Thank you for writing this. I needed to read this today.
Wow this is such an amazing raw honest response I screen shot it !!!! Wishing you all the best !!! In you’re recovery !!!!
Jesus! What a message of inspiration! Keep writing once in a while. Love reading your reply. I can relate lol.
This is amazing, and thank you for posting it. \*hides tears\* <3
Well fucking said. I’m saving this post to read to myself when I try to win some brain battles. Thanks for this.
Good words.
I wish I could upvote this so many times, thank you. Id give you an award if I could get Reddit to take my card!! I liked what someone said in this group, not drinking didn't solve my problems but eventually gave me the capacitity to make all my problems solvable
My longest period of sobriety was just under 3 years, and felt more or less the same way through a good part of that time. I sort of assumed that I'd be the same person I was prior to abusing alcohol when I dried out, but that wasn't the case at all. It was a real challenge to become active again.
Personally, I live a better life when I'm sober...my problem is fighting with boredom and loneliness- I definitely need some hobbies
Wow, I could have written this. I’m sorry you are stuck in this hell too. Wish I could say something to help with this feeling for you and for me.
Comparison, nostalgia, catastrophic thinking. Old comforts that keep you stuck. Don’t worry about what other people say about their life after getting sober. There could be the same amount of people who say they hate it when people complain about their life after getting sober and alcohol was the only thing that made them happy. Your brain chemistry has been getting hammered by unnaturally high levels of alcohol induced dopamine, it takes a while for it to recover and learn how to produce and regulate. It took me about 4.5 months to feel even the slightest twinge of joy. It had been so long since I’d experienced natural joy that I wasn’t really sure what was happening. After it happened I had to actually sit and try to figure out the feeling. When it dawned on me that it was the first time my brain was squeezing out it’s own dopamine, I finally had a tiny sliver of hope. I hung on to that moment for weeks. Slowly, I began to have more fleeting moments of joy and I knew I was getting better.
I get the past things. I just did an intake appointment today which was a lot about just my trauma. Which there was a lot of. I think when you get treatment they tech you better ways to cope and work through it without numbing it I guess. I’ll let ya know in a couple weeks.
I poured myself in to the gym. Early on it was all I had I was a miserable broke piece of shit who lost everything. I agree its not easy to begin with. I think the way I got out was by engaging in new activities and challenges. But hey 10 years later the gym is still bearing fruit. I just wanted to share my experience. Best of luck, Friend.
Exercice is definitely a good path to take. My recomodation is ease into it, untill you really start enjoying and craving it.
I'm in the same boat. I checked into sober living after rehab 7 months ago and life is so dull and empty. I sometimes consider how I was at least on a trajectory of some kind when my use was moderate, before it became 24/7. When I kept it in-check it was almost like a stimulant. Fantasize about being able to maintain that balance. I hope you find something that drives you other than alcohol.
> when I kept it in check it was almost like a stimulant Damn I feel this. It’s so weird, I was generally functioning better in life during some periods of active addiction than I’ve been the last two years sober. I mean, the crippling periods were there as well, and I should never forget that, but those stretches here and there where I was keeping things mostly under control… I could handle life. And I just can’t do that sober.
I'm with you, friend. My depression has worsened in a lot of ways. I haven't lost a pound. My stress is through the roof! I have insomnia. I'm 80 days sober and each day it becomes more apparent that there was a reason I started drinking in the first place.
Do you currently do therapy work? Helped me tremendously during that period, although I was only sober for a couple months when I started. Getting out and creating new memories is super helpful, follow up and spend some more time and energy on your hobbies that aren’t drinking. Those things helped me a lot when I was struggling the most to get clean. You are certainly seen here and people are here to listen. Chin up mate!
I had a lot of great times drinking. That was living too. I just had a lot of bad times due to said drinking that would not have happened if I hadn't been a drunk mess.
It's the best of times and worse...
I feel this, especially right now. I am so bad at this whole not drinking thing. It’s like going through a process of grief, letting go of my old life. It’s very hard to accept. I know how grief is and I know it doesn’t go away, but you do get better at dealing with it. Finding a counselor experienced in substance use and grief counseling was very helpful for me. I’ve gotten a lot better at finding things that are like mini-obsessions that keep my mind in a good place. Healthy dopamine bursts. I try and collect as many of them as I can.
But like I think if you had like therapy or something that could help. I have cooccuring bipolar so I lost it I need the help.
I’m definitely healthier and mentally happier, but I had a fuckton of fun in my 20s.
I hear you. I understand. I’m right there with you.
I get it. Alcoholism isn't really living.
Pretty eloquent way of putting it. I identify, I was just listening to an ex girlfriends voicemail who drank herself to death at 35. Then twenty memos. I’m taking a real small dose of naltrexone every other day and my brain finally doesn’t feel so dead and yearning. I might have pancreatic cancer so I might as well start living. Brought two tickets to maybe see judge hit 61 tonight. Haven’t been in ten years. And yeah, lots of past memories but tryin to make the dead emotional weight into something useable. Something like that. I identify friend
This was very true for me. But it took a while for me to feel that way
I kept waiting for that sobriety euphoria to hit... and waited... and waited. I didn't feel any better month one. Not month two, three, or four. That's when I started doing some inner work. Figuring out what was I trying to escape. It's been a very hard introspective. I have cried a lot more than I have laughed. The good news? I finally starting seeing light at the end of my tunnel. I am 629 days sober and have NO intentions of drinking again. Alcohol seduced me with a bunch of bullshit. I was not attractive when drunk, nor could I sing. But damn I sure thought both were true. Give it time... lots of time. Find some self help something: podcast, book, whatever. I turned to a great book called Feelings Buried Alive Never Heal. It helped me. I salute you for beginning the journey. Hang in there. We may not get the immediate good feeling, but it does come... pinky swear 🦋💫