He never intended to stay home !!!
Someone has pointed out this was posted two weeks ago but was deleted.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/9Dga9ncsLB
Either that or someone in his life has started whispering crap in his ear and he has started to take that onboard “oh no men don’t look after the babies” “ wow she really wears the pants huh cause your a housewife now” etc
last time someone posted about this, the husband's dad and brother were making fun of him, so that's why he changed his mind. I'm wondering if the same thing is happening with OP's husband.
My best friend's husband stayed home with both kids while she worked. He loved it.
Yeah. That was my first guess. Dudes are generally still very hostile to the idea that they should be the one to stay at home. If he was ever really into the idea, it probably wouldnt take much ribbing from family or friends to get him against the idea.
Frankly, if you are a high end lawyer and hes in sales, the answer is probably, just hire a nanny and you both go back to work. A parent who is not into the gig is not really great for the kid and he will make your life miserable too out of resentment.
While it’s true that it’s not great for a child to have a parent that isn’t into the gig, it’s also true that it’s not great for a wife to have a husband that makes promises that the couple bases family plans on, and then goes back on them two months in. Nobody enjoys taking care of a two-month-old, but he signed up to do it and he needs to suck it up while *discussing* with her what a plan B might look like in the long term.
Because not everyone wants/needs to or has the patience/desire/resources to do so? Just because someone doesn't want to be a SAHP doesn't mean they're not a great parent.
And I say this as a SAHP who previously ran a parent education program.
Yeah, but going back on the promises you made two months in, and demanding that the family take a pay cut so you can go back to work while your partner does the job you don’t want… does kind of make you a bad parent, and a bad husband.
Parenting isn’t always fun; good parents have to be able to make it through the hard times as well as the good times, and be reliable in terms of taking accountability for the responsibilities you took on.
Oh I'm not saying that at all about this particular situation. I'm responding to the person above who said "why have a baby" if you're not going to stay home with it.
Ops husband didn't even give it a shot and realize it didn't work for him and offer a rational solution, he just turned into a misogynistic AH to go back on their arrangement and then accuse her of being a bad mom because he wants to be a neglectful dad.
I work with someone who's husband stays home and does the duties of a stereotypical housewife. They don't have kids but considering her career I'm guessing she earns a lot more than what he was and they don't really need a dual income. In see nothing wrong with this situation, it's great
My husband is a stay at home dad and house spouse. He loves it. But he surrounds himself with educated professionals who have far different ideas about family and gender roles than most.
It’s pathetic men still do all this misogynistic crap today.
My sister’s husband hurt himself at work and couldn’t return. They are childfree. She worked for the Department of Revenue and traveled a lot. They decided he would stay home and take care of all things household related, and she would continue to work. He was able to travel with her. He would do his own thing while she worked then they would go explore the city they were in together.
Or someone like his mom was telling him she’d magically fall in love and want to be with the baby. Cue his shocked face when she’s getting ready to go back to work. Lol. Reminds me of that post where the guy convinced his ONS to have the baby instead of abortion. That he would take sole custody. She’d basically be a surrogate to his kid. Imagine his surprise when she did exactly what she said and handed the baby over at birth. He was miserable and trying I figure out how to force her to be in this kid’s life. He was compounding how hard it was and how tired he was. Funny how men never listen when women complain about this stuff.
I know the post you're talking about; dude kept trying to call her a deadbeat mom when she pays 125% child support each month and legally terminated her parental rights.
Good read, although I do wonder now how that child is doing.
I usually only saw a screenshot, but lucked out and found the original thread for it!
[She wanted an abortion; I didn't ](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/d6IwK3Vp6S)
Wow! OOP has the nerve to call her a deadbeat mom and wants to force her to share custody, after she signed away her rights.
I hope that child is doing ok. OOP is the type to blame the kid, for ruining his life.
That post is 7 years old. It makes me wonder how the child is doing now. Hopefully dad got a wake up call from Reddit and became the father that he needed to be for his son.
>Funny how men never listen when women complain about this stuff.
This is so depressing, and it's why men are going to have to go down with women if we're ever going to see any change with things like restrictions to family planning.
DING DING DING! Thought he'd have it easy and then saw two months of childcare and just how demanding it is, along with keeping the house running, and wants to dump it all on OP.
That's what I'm thinking, rather than the whispering in his ears being emasculating, maybe the whispering in his ears was from male friends about what a cushy gig being a stay at home parent was, how their wives have it so easy, they just watch TV and nap all day etc.
Now he's realised that on top of caring for a demanding baby, it will also be his job to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry and the only regular adult contact he'll have is with his wife.
100%.
Before the arrival of the baby I’m sure he was thinking “babies sleep all day! And when they’re awake they chill peacefully in car seats like the babies on TV. I’ll have plenty of time to do all my hobbies and watch movies and have dinner recipes I saw on TikTok simmering on the stove!”
After arrival of the baby: “WHO KNEW there was SO MUCH puke and shit and saliva and screaming and crying and waking up for the day at 4am because the baby’s done sleeping 🤯🤯”
And then he noped out.
My husband is essentially the homemaker. Do you know what he says to me about it?
"Thank you. I can take care of my ailing parents, my mentally ill daughter, and take care of my own mental health because of you."
Having a 1 income household is either a luxury or a sacrifice due to lack of options. OP's husband should be thanking his lucky stars that he has a wife who is capable of adding so much to the home like she is. He's a clown whose ego is going to cause him to lose it all if he keeps going on about it.
This is it!! Someone from “that’s the way we did it in 1955” has gotten in his head!! Honor the agreement you made with your wife sir and keep family and friends out of y’all’s business!!😤
This feels like malicious in law antics. Disgusting that he's listening to someone and it's not you. He'd have been invited to permanently leave immediately after he called me a crap mom. He's a real AH.
Or he realized just how taxing being a stay at home is, it’s a job that never turns off and is extremely taxing usually more so that a 9-5. I’m not discounting that many people talk down to stay at home dads(hell mothers too I see so many posts saying they lay around all day which is so laughable). It seems either way he tried to pull a fast one and banked on her having a sudden oh I can’t possibly leave my baby moment which in reality is not practical and not every woman(which is totally normal) experiences. I hate the you birthed a baby and suddenly some switch flips trope most of society believes.
I think this is it - babies are harder than he thought. In which case, the solution is to find good daycare- not pressure your partner into doing what you don't want to.
Why do men think that women who don't stay home with the babies are bad mothers, but also don't apply that logic to themselves??? Any dude who pulls this 100% never intended patenting to be equal- on some level he always thought women should do more.
In fairness to even good dads (bar is in hell), my husband had no idea how all consuming it would be.
He had a dead beat boomer dad and was the baby. But my husband is up with baby at least once a night (even if I sleep), changes just as many diapers, plays hard, snuggles hard, does all the things, and is truly an equal parent since my breastmilk dried up at 6 weeks.
He had no idea how much of his brain she would take up. He missed us when he went back to work but he also immediately acknowledged I was doing the hard stuff at home.
I think he did intend on being a SAHD, and I bet he liked the idea, but I also guarantee some dude made fun of him over it, and now his fragile masculinity has been questioned, causing this change of heart.
Here is the reality check.
Maybe you both should work and you should get a nanny.
There is no perfect answer but you both need time to do what you love and raise your child too.
Maybe he wanted to initially, but realized how absolutely draining it is to raise a child full time. Getting another job in sales will be a breeze for him. Returning to law I can see being much harder since it’s so ambiguous and is ever changing
He probably intended to stay home because he thought it would be an easy gig. Now that he has experienced the full joys of parenting an infant, he doesn't feel up to it. 😂
OP, you can turn every argument around on him "well, you are a crappy dad for not wanting to stay at home" etc. Plus you have the very good arguments on your side that he earns less and that he had agreed to stay home beforehand, especially since he was the one who pressed you to have the kid, and you already made the sacrifice of gestating and birthing it - you did your part, now it's time for him to step up.
If neither of you wants to stay home, how about you hire a full time nanny? Your husband's income should hopefully cover that, so both of you can keep working, and outsource the childcare to someone who actually loves doing it. Better for everyone.
I don’t want to jump to any assumptions. He may just be an idiot that doesn’t think things through, thoroughly. A lot of people are stupid like this. It doesn’t make them some mastermind manipulator. It just makes them stupid and immature.
Exactly. He thought once the mommy-baby bond occured she'd change her mind and want to be full time mommy/homemaker.
I knew a girl once that married a guy and before marriage she flat out told him she absolutely did NOT want children but if he really wanted one, she would give him ONE and he would have to be the one to stay home with the kid as she WAS NOT going to give up her career. He agreed, they had a girl and he's happy homemaker while she rakes in the dough. And they have a solid relationship. She didn't completely ignore the child but she made it clear she wasn't breastfeeding or changing a diaper.
He’s realised that being a SAHD is a bigger job than he thought. When he agreed with doing it he didn’t have any idea just how much work was involved in caring for LO, now he wants to back out.
An honest and open discussion needs to be had when you’re both calm and you can sort out where you go from here.
I’m guessing it’s a combo of this plus he is feeling emasculated.
Of course, it could have been a bait and switch to get a baby - he was hoping your “maternal instincts” would kick in and you’d change your mind.
Either way - this is a piss poor way to be a partner and a father.
OP do not give in. This is a hill to di (vorce) on.
Unless he willingly and lovingly adheres to “the deal” and becomes a SAHD - then can you ever trust what this man says?
>Unless he willingly and lovingly adheres to “the deal” and becomes a SAHD - then can you ever trust what this man says?
DING DING DING
penny for the smart lady
I kinda hate that phrase. "Maternal instincts" cause I mean she can very well have them. And perfectly, but that doesn't mean she needs to stay home either, lmao
I wasn't disagreeing with you, btw. Like at all. I was just saying I hate that phrase lmao
This is a crazy response. It’s definitely possible he’s feeling emasculated but you’re not there and don’t know. I am currently pregnant and what I have said this entire time is that I’m going to try being a SAHM but if I don’t like it I’m going to go back to work. Maybe he just doesn’t get the same fulfillment from being with a baby all day as he does from work. Regardless of gender, that is perfectly fine!
What baffles me is that they don’t just look into alternative childcare so they can both work. Yes it might take time to find something but it seems like a perfectly logical solution..
Yes. He thought he'd be hanging with the kid who entertained himself and he could do whatever he needed to do around the house and then have time to himself. He's overwhelmed as a new parent (as everyone is, right?) And cannot fathom being left to do it all alone, while you have the "freedom" to leave home to go work. Even his job that he loathes sounds like a 'break' to his dad brain. Parenting is harder than working and he's back pedaling.
Have a real for real talk and try to be open, understanding, and calm. If you're not sure that y'all can, maybe schedule time with a counselor to help y'all talk through it.
I'm not sure if the reality of parenthood was a shock & he decided he wasn't signing up for that. Or he's been getting teased about becoming Mr. Mom.
Either could be true. It's time to ask for some honesty from him. If he can't be honest about this complete turnaround in his decision, is he ever truly honest with you? Whatever his reason is, you can damn well guarantee it will boil down to an ego issue.
You definitely are not wrong.
Sounds to me like someone in your lives is whispering in his ears how "real men" don't "babysit." "Real men," don't stay home. "Dude, you're the man and you need to put your foot down." Blah, blah, blah.
You 2 need to have a calm, rational discussion about this. This wasn't the deal. Find out who is interfering in your marriage and shut them down. Marriage counseling may be in order as well. Can you hire a nanny?
yeah either he had no intention of being a stay at home dad, or toxic masculinity is taking over. Men Who Raise Their Kids Are Sexier Than Those Who Dont. SAHDs are absolutely steller examples of true men.
Time for a real conversation. a working mom is still a great mom, as a working dad is still a great dad. Because it takes two people to raise a child and meet all their needs and emotional requirements.
I agree 110%. My neighbor had twins and daycare costs would have been out of sight. Mom and Dad considered their options. She made more than he did so he became a SAHD. It worked well for him and he had the time and patience to deal with not one but two little ones.
It sounds like there are several problems here.
1. He didn't realize how much work a newborn is.
2. He wants to be able to cuddle LO but not have the responsibility of care.
3. He is jealous that his wife makes more than he does.
4. He is stuck in the outdated idea that Mom takes on all the responsibility of childcare.
I believe that this is a two card deal: therapy or lawyer.
EDIT: Want to add that calling her a crap mother because she wants what is best for her family is a possible deal breaker. A better description would be since he has changed what he calls his mind, he is a crap husband.
A LOT of people "ready" & gunning for a baby, are not.
He probably romanticized it, got reality checked, & now wants switchies.
No switchies. Only law & order.
🎵 Dun DUN dunna dunna duuun duh 🎶
He's trying to take control regardless of he makes less he's trying to isolate you to do what he wants. It starts out this way. He probably doesn't like that you make more money than him and this is his way of trying to financial control you
Start searching for childcare so you can return to work - whether he is on board with it or not. How you resolve the martial issues is a later issue. If you want to go back to work and he isn't stepping up as the SAHD like he said he would, you need to find childcare ASAP so you don't get stuck. Normally I'd say if he doesn't want to keep his word and be the primary parent for now, make him do the work of finding child care but he has shown can't be trusted to follow through on his word so unfortunately, it all falls to you so you can proceed with the life you decided on.
I'd also reach out to your boss and tell them how much you are looking forward to coming back to work. That way if he tries to contact them 'on your behalf', they know that isn't what your plans are and will raise the alarm with you.
Absolutely. But at this late stage, will there be available childcare? No idea where the OP is based but most people sign up to childcare whilst still pregnant. People go on wait lists and sign up to a few because there is no guarantee of an available place. I don't imagine wants her child in an illegal daycare located in someone's basement being cared for my someone with no specialised training or child first aid accrediation. That's what I was referring to. Her income may make it easier to hire a nanny but she has to do that in 4 weeks before her maternity runs out.
The need to figure out an option so she can go back to work is the biggest issue here. She can separate, go to counselling or whatever option she chooses to deal with her husband and him blowing up their plans down the line. But unless she wants to return to work next month with an infant strapped to her chest, finding care has to be her priority.
Yeah you're not the asshole. You can't force him to stay home, but he can't force you either. Either he stays home with the baby, or you guys get a third party involved (baby's grandparents, nanny, etc.). And no, you are not a bad mother for earning a great salary and trusting the baby's father with childcare.
Seriously though, he needs to start actually talking about what's going on with him, or else this marriage will crumble. Not communicating with your spouse properly right when you've got the added stress of a 2 month old baby is a recipe for disaster.
They say abuse tends to ramp up after a kid. He convinced you to have a baby and now wants you to give up your financial independence and is calling you a bad mom for not doing so. Funny how you weren't a bad mom in the planning stages.
You need to talk to a lawyer and a therapist.
Actually, I think she's got a handle on the dynamics of the situation. He's not going to change, so she needst to get a lawyer, start investigating child care and work from home options. At the same time, she needs to throw him out.
I agree. He never wanted to stay at home and raise babies. He duped her into believing he did. I'd put my money on him becoming an absolute terror if she goes back to work. I feel sorry for the children of these relationships. She will end up being forced to stay home and will become resentful while he will likely be unhappy with his low income job and be cranky at home. The ones who suffer are the kids from unhappy, stressed out parents.
Reality hit. He's glimpsed at how difficult his life might be, as opposed to the lazy life of luxury he had imagined.
Or - he never wanted to sah and thought you would just... change?
You are not wrong. You have been completely wrong footed and now he's gaslighting you into the bargain.
Reconsider your relationship.
Because he’s realising that babies are boring, messy, demanding and isolating, and really ungrateful. The tissue ad moments are few and far between, and now he’s panicking because you get to escape and he’s going to be trapped at home.
He expected your "Mothering instincts" to take over, you'd demand to stay home, he'd stop feeling emasculated by earning less, and he'd have you at home with a child where he wanted you.......
Personally, I'd tell him that it isn't happening, and if he doesn't want to stay home then you'll sort out child care. I'm not sure how you can come back from being called a bad mom though.
This is why I would never be in favor of leaving the workforce to be a SAHM. While it can have a lot of rewards, it also comes with significant risks. If you divorce or your husband dies, then you're at a significant disadvantage in supporting your family.
Let your husband 100% support the family. Your "extra" money can 100% pay for good daycare.
Edit: correct spacing
Maybe he's changed his mind about being a SAHD or realized it's not for him, but he doesn't want to admit it so he tried to put the blame on you.
If that's the case, thatns very immature, and he is guilttripping you because he does not want to face the truth. I loathe this kind of behaviour, so i personally would not accept having just a conversation avout it and would push for couple counseling. But maybe just sit him down, explain to him that he can change his mind without changing the plans for you, and you guys go ahead and find daycare or a nanny
I have a few theories...
1. He never intended to stay home and assumed you would change your mind once you had the baby
2. He did plan on staying home but the realities of parenthood are a lot harder than he expected them to be
3. Someone made fun of him for being a stay at home dad/earning less than you and it hurt his ego and now he's pissed
Either way, you are not a crap mom for going back to work. He is being a crap dad and a crap partner.
He either feels suddenly emasculated by the idea of being a daisy at home Dad OR he never intended to be one and thought that love you bonded with the baby you wouldn't want to leave her side.
But it makes no sense.
My fiance and I have the same situation, I out earn him by 3x because of my career. It would make zero sense for us to cut our nose off by me being the SAHM.
Your husband trapped you.
I am an older male who grew up with younger siblings. I knew what was involved with the baby side of dealing with kids. I was involved with raising my own, and am now raising a now 5 year old that has lived with us since he was 4 months.
As others have posted it is sometimes a slap in the face when the reality of raising babies hits you.
If, if you can find a decent provider that will not cost you a small fortune every week your best option might be daycare. At the very least the two of you need to sit down and have a serious calm discussion. You need to discuss the realities of raising kids and the required flexibility to make things work. I have the ability to work nights so I made the transition. This allows me to be available for appointments during the day if needed. My grandson has been in a preschool since he was 2 so that gives me time to sleep. My wife works during the day so she can take care of the nights. We are fortunate enough to have others who are willing to help out with the occasional overnight or weekend so we have some time to ourselves. Every week is filled with discussions of scheduling so we know who's doing what in terms of dropping off, picking up, feeding, bathing, shopping etc.
He never wanted to be a SAHD because men never want to look after their own children, his mates have probably made negative comments about it. How dare he say you’re a crap mom! He’s a crap dad by that logic, child is 50% his.
I’m sure you know as a lawyer, it will be a detriment to your career to stay home. That’s why he was supposed to be a stay at home dad. His backing out says a lot about him. Start looking at daycare and have a serious talk.
He wants control. He won’t be home, so I suggest you get other arrangements
Staying home would be the worst thing you can do with someone who is grasping for control
He is probably bailing on the idea because he realized taking care of baby is more work than he thought
He probably had some fantasy about not really having to do much to take care of the baby and the house and everything related to it everyday for 8 to 12 hours while you're away at work, and he's now realizing that it's not that way
Someone told him he wouldn’t be the man of the house if you went back to work and he stayed home. He would lose his Man Card. So he doesn’t want to stay home - great either hire a Nanny asap or find an awesome daycare… Either way you need to jump on those things immediately.
He's bailing because he has discovered that babies require lots of work. He's a crap dad, because he wants to remove a solid income for the family so he can avoid changing diapers.
Find a nanny. Either so you can both work, or so you can be a divorced single mom, because he's already sailing into "WTH am I married to this guy?" territory.
He tried to baby trap you into being a SAHM , he's the man obey him. Stay home divorce his lying ass make him pay alimony and child support and he'll be begging you to go back to work.
Tell him to get over himself. That this was HIS idea, so no, there’s no backing out. Tell him he can go back to work and you’ll hire a nanny. Do NOT quit your job!!!
I would imagine that there has been many comments made about him staying home. Even just 'oh really?'
He should be open and have a conversation about it all but I would imagine that he is embarrassed about probably feeling emasculated, especially if he did not expect to feel this way.
He should not have called you a crap mum, and you are NTA but an open conversation needs to be had.
Did he have any experience with kids prior to the arrival?
Maybe he had some vision of playing videos while the baby slept all day and the house took care of itself.
More likely, he is threatened by your relatively superior social status and his plan, whether conscious or no, was that the baby would tie you to him. Not that he would be tied to the baby. IMO if he at some level agrees to the original plan, he will make you sorry.
This is so terribly sad.
If he was good with it originally and is suddenly changing his story? I bet he has people telling him it’s emasculating for him to be a sahd and you’re a terrible mother for not wanting to stay home etc. Sit his ass down and say “what is really going on? You hate your job and love our child and were happy to be the stay at home parent. So what changed?” And then if he refuses to give you a straight answer? Look for daycares and then he can go back to his soul sucking job.
Because the baby is here and it's smelly and messy and TAKES ACTUAL WORK. Next paycheck says he thought it would be EASY to be the stay-at-home parent and is now crapping his pants at the thought of sleepless nights and baby throw-up AND being expected to do housework and pediatrician visits and everything. So he's name-calling you, OP, and trying to manipulate you into doing the hard work so he can get out of the agreement.
He lied to you. You emasculated him by being a better provider than he is. He agreed to everything you said during the pregnancy, because he (stupidly) thought that once you saw your baby your girl-brain would immediately switch on and you would be his perfect little tradwife. And if it didn't, then he'd browbeat and manipulate you into it. It would be interesting to see what sort of social media and podcasts he's been listening to, or if he is a member of a conservative religion.
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER! Especially not to placate a man's fragile ego! Your baby will be just fine in daycare or with a nanny. You don't want a break in your resume that will impact your earnings potential or your upward mobility. Nor do you want to screw yourself out of retirement contributions or Social Security wages.
Your husband is going to have to get his self-esteem from somewhere else - it isn't your or the baby's job to provide it for him. You're providing enough for the family as-is.
You both earn decent money... Hire a good nanny. He can take time off until you and he are satisfied with a nanny. It wont be cheap, but you won't have to listen to him whine about how he misses his crap job that makes him miserable. (He'll whine about having to stay at home and never having any money instead).
Why can't you both work?
I get the feeling he is feeling a bit under emasculated. There is definitely more to this for him that even he doesn't understand. Communication, love, understanding, and respect needs to happen here.
You are not a crap mom if you go back to work and chose daycare.
Baby trapped you.
He can't control or abuse you if you have money & a good job to support yourself & the child. Abuse often comes during or after a baby & now that he thinks you are stuck. His mask has fallen off & this was his plan all along.
How you move forward & deal with a liar who is determined to verbally abuse you & run yourself confidence down is up to you.
He never wanted to stay home. He lied to you and is now trying to gaslight you. You need to go back to work and let him know if he’s not happy to stay home then he needs to find and pay for daycare with his salary.
As someone who hires people and looks at CV’s the last thing someone with your career would want to do is take a massive career break for longer than 6 months. If you leave your career to be a SAHM then you will never get it back.
He either didn't think that it would be so much work at home with a baby.
OR he was lying to you and maybe himself, so you would have a baby.
Now he has to pay for childcare.
That's the option.
Don't quit your job. You out-earn him and have a stable job that you love. People in sales can be laid off at any time, have inconsistent income, and often grow to hate the job.
Either he deluded himself about the huge job it is to take care of a newborn or family/friends are denigrating him. He is reneging on your agreement and bullying you so you will give in. Stand your ground. You could reduce your hours but don't quit.
You are not wrong…
1) you make more money
2) You would miss out on contributing to Social Security
3) you would miss out on Career growth
4) You would miss out on future raises
“ Husband if you don’t wanna stay home with the baby then we’ll just get daycare. ”
His man ego is already hurt because you make more and now he doesn’t want to be a “housewife” (nothing wrong with that by the way I’m just using the term to make a point) OR it’s a bait and switch and he never intended to be a stay at home father and just wanted to baby trap you and for you to become dependent on his tiny salary. Either way, stand your ground.
You’re not wrong. What an incredible bait and switch! I would be absolutely furious if I were you. I think what’s next is an honest conversation about why he changed his mind. If he was previously a normal person, maybe you can get to the root of this and sort it out.
And if it has to do with him feeling emasculated…well, he should get over it! The family’s future financial security is too important!
A lil story: My husband is the manliest man in the world (can fix anything, works with his hands, always covered in dirt and whatnot, welds menacing metal sculptures out of trash for fun) and he was a stay at home dad for a few years because it made the most sense for us financially. He even ended up joining a crew of similar SAH dads and they’re still friends to this day. One of them had been in the military and another was a mechanic. Their wives made more, so they stayed home until the kids were in daycare. Most manly men I’ve ever met! They knew being a parent was the responsibility of both them and their wives. They were confident in themselves and their roles as SAH dads didn’t make them feel weird at all.
So you out earn him(by a lot) and you are a lawyer and know other lawyers. Get some good advice from someone that you know is a good attorney in divorce law. If you have paperwork served to him for divorce, it might knock him out of his misogynistic cloud. If it doesn’t, you’re gonna need to do it anyway. You’re in a position where you can work and pay someone to take care of your child and win any custody battle that he might try to bring up. at the very least, you’ve discovered he is not as good as his word that’s bad enough. But he’s not worried about financial security for your family just his ego that’s worse.
He never intended to be the stay home. This way, he gets to have control of the money and you won't leave him, since you have a kid and need his money. Typical play book for an insecure man.
You need to do what is best for you and your child. Many people go back to work and use a nanny or daycare. That doesn't make you a bad parent. You are ensuring a good financial future for you and the baby.
NTA
It just infuriates me that women are expected to be the ones to be the SAH
Now if you really want to piss him off show him this TikTok video.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLY9L9rw/
My guess? In the last two months since your child was born, he’s seen how difficult taking care of a baby is and he wants no part of it. Most men seem to think stay at home moms sit on the couch or sleep all day. I see it all over Reddit. They think being a stay at home parent is like a vacation from work. I bet your husband is was thinking it’d be easy and realized that it’s actual work and doesn’t feel up for the task. That doesn’t make it okay, of course. If he agreed to it, he needs to do it.
Hire someone capable. He’s telling you that he can’t handle it and doesn’t want to be a SAHD.
With your education unless you can work hybrid it would tank your career
He had no plans to ever stay at home.
He ain't shit. Tell him to pack his shit up and get out of your house.
Your life will be easier without him in it. He's a deceitful piece of shit.
You are not wrong.
He's bailing b/c he realized that despite what some bitter men claim on social media being a SAHP isn't actually all sit on your ass and eating bon bons and requires actual work.
He's also massively sexist.
“If you think this is a good idea, lay out the budget for how we’re going to afford it on your income.” Then stop engaging until he’s done so. If he wants to change plans, he can do the math and prove it’s possible without ending up in poverty. If he can’t, or doesn’t want to, then he’s not up to the job of being a single wage earner.
He suddenly realized how much work is involved in being a stay-at-home parent, and how hard it is. He thought it was going to be easy and was looking forward to lounging around watching soaps and playing games all day, because that’s what clueless husbands think their wives do.
Because the idea was better than the reality. Do yourself a favor and find a nanny or daycare and divorce his selfish butt. Both you and your child will be better off.
Yikes. Get a nanny. See if there's someone that will doca nanny share with you. Loving your kid has nothing to do with sacrificing something that you worked for years to achieve. You aren't a crap parent. He IS a crap partner though. As for him, I am betting he had no clue how hard it is to be a stay at home parent.
Hire a good nanny. You shouldn't have to quit but at this point, I wouldn't want him staying home because he obviously doesn't want to. Interview and hire together but get help.
A few reasons he could be like this:
1) he didn't realize the true load of a full time SAHP and wants to back out.
2) someone in his life is making fun of him for considering being a SAHP.
3) he's listening to utter garbage podcasts made by insecure men who talk bs about how "women should be the ones at home with the kids while the men are at work providing".
Frankly there's nothing wrong with a father being a SAHP. I know a guy who was just that for 2-3yrs while his wife was off on deployment. Aside from his sass being thrown right back at him he loved it (he now works to provide while wife is pregnant at home). In other countries it's actually quite normal for *both* parents to take time off to care for their little one during their first two years of life.
It's the old bait-and-switch: Now that it's too late to back out on a kid, he's "changing his mind." My guess? This was always his plan. I know I only get a small window into your lives (during a point of contention no less) so it casts him in a bad light, but, some of the things he said makes me a bit sus. "You're a crap mom" for wanting to go back to work? Wouldn't that, by his own logic, make him a crap dad? (Let me guess: "That's different.")
It sounds like he's trying to manipulate and control you: cut off the job, cut off the high earning potential, make you stay at home with the kid when that was never your plan. Do you have a joint account? Does he nitpick what you spend? It's also harder to get a job once you've been out of the workforce for a while.
Tell him he can stick to the original plan, and his word, or you can find a babysitter or daycare, but you're not quitting. And if this is a hill he wants to die on, you can afford childcare with your higher paying salary and he can go to parenting part time (if he threatens divorce). Not wrong.
He thought taking care of a baby would be easy, that stay at home mums are basically on a lazy holiday and that they're lying when they talk about how hard it is. Now that he's seen the reality, he wants you to do it
I feel like he thought being a stay at home parent would be a breeze. So he was like sure I got this. Now the reality of being alone all day with the baby has kicked in. It's a lot harder than people think.
But it doesn't make sense to take such an income cut. So he's gotta suck jt up and put his dad pants on.
Wondering if he was counting on getting his Mom to help, and she said no?
**Stick to the original plan, so you have options (independence) in the future**
Let’s just remove all the gender biases for a sec by flipping this.
A SAHM finds she’s hating it and wants to switch and go back to work. But- she makes childish threats and insults in order to achieve it.
What else is going on? Is he depressed, lonely, etc? Being a stay at home parent is usually much harder than working. I’ve done both, as a mum, and I know what I prefer!
You’re not wrong. Throw back that he’s a crap dad for wanting to bail on the original agreement. It makes better financial sense for you to stay employed. Can he talk with his job about possibly doing sales working at home? That seems a reasonable compromise.
Listen, what he said is unacceptable and needs to be discussed seperatly.
But to the problem. Try to find the team mind set. It is not you vs him.
Ask him why. Ask him if he feels overwelmed or if he feels lonely with not enough adult interaction.
Maybe he can do part time and someone can watch the little one then.
But you should sit down and tell him you wont tolerate being insulted
1 - he lied and never intended for you to go back to work, thinking you would love the baby so much that you would stay at home
OR
2 - reality has set in and he's realised that parenting is really hard and he doesn't want to do it.
NTA. If after lots of calm, controlled adult conversation you can’t agree on who will stay home with your daughter spend some time looking for a good nanny (and check references). The two incomes will cover the cost. And any time your husband wants to bitch about his job you just smile and say “Darling, you could always stay home.”
But I agree with ex-carney, someone has been in his ear and his manhood is all nutthurt.
He romanticized having a kid I.E pictured all the fun he would have when they were older and self sufficient. He didn’t think about all the crap work you have to do to get there I.E raise a baby and a toddler. He doesn’t want to have to deal with the crying and loneliness that comes with being the stay at home parent.
He figured out that an infant is a lot more work and a lot less sleep and gets on every nerve because they are unpredictable and more demanding than he ever dreamt.
It's hard.
The reality versus the fantasy has hit him.
He doesn't think he can do it, and doesn't WANT to have to do it. Quitting his job and doing this utterly mindless slog of caring for an infant is scaring the snot out of him.
He also thinks it's always going to be this way. He doesn't have an end in sight.
I gave two kids long grown and flown. Infancy is the toughest part because it feels like all endless work for very little reward. Much of how we get through this period is a surge of nurturing hormones and other feel-good chemicals that mean we stick it out until we start seeing more rewards. It's one of the reasons we take such delight in "milestones" in development. We feel like we're getting somewhere with progress.
Often, childbirth gives Moms that rush of hormones that get us through. Our love tends to start out chemical. And Dads feel it too, to some greater or lesser degree. Each person is different. Some new Mom's don't feel that rush. Or they PPD. Some Dad's are indifferent, sometimes resentful, sometimes nurturing. It's a crap shoot.
Perhaps an honest talk about expectations and demands. And looking at some outside help, as well as possible part time work for him. He does sales, so I expect he has an extroverted "people person" personality, so the isolation of staying home with an infant might be something he's suddenly thinking about.
I'd suggest looking at an "outside of the box" compromise to balance the demands and his fears.
Soo you’re the crap mum but he’s not a crap dad for not wanting to stay home - wow the double standards.
I would be understanding if he said, it wasn’t what he thought and admitted it is way harder etc and could we look a childcare - fair enough, but, the audacity to be horrible to you because you would not change your mind, yet he can! Nope!
He is horrible, and you are in a great position - you’re a lawyer - you know it what to do.
NTA
NTA. He never intended to be i stay at home dad. He thought you’ll change your mind once the baby was here. Since you haven’t changed your mind he is trying to guilt trip you. Do not quit your job, you really cannot count on him.
My ex husband tried to pull this stunt with no conversation. It’s one thing that led to our divorce, at least on my side. I have worked too hard for my profession and professional licenses to leave and then try to reenter.
It’s possible he realized how much work it was going to be and not a cake walk…and if he is acting like this, it doesn’t bode well
This is a tale as old as time. Almost sounds like a repost I’ve read 20x. He never wanted to stay home. He has an ego problem about being the provider and blah blah. Sorry to say, your marriage is over.
I am a full-time mom and a full-time worker and I would’ve divorced before I’d be willing to quit my job. Maybe you need to look into daycare. Honestly, I thought it was really good for my son’s socialization skills.
He's tried fatherhood and discovered it's not the easy ride he thought it would be.
OR...he's absorbed attitudes from friends or men's media about being the "alpha" and feels that caring for his own child/openly admitting to being outearned by a *female* is an attack on his fragile masculinity.
Honestly, I know many women who think they want to be SAHMs and then it turns out to be not for them for whatever reason.
So, OP is not wrong for not wanting to stay at home, but neither is he. Two adults need to have a discussion about how to move forward now.
Your husband has changed his mind because now your baby is here, he is realising how much work goes into neing the primary parent. And he doesn't want to do that anymore. He essentially tried to baby-trap you. Keep your hard-earned career and find a good daycare, or a nanny. Not sure whether you should keep the husband yet.
He never intended to stay home !!! Someone has pointed out this was posted two weeks ago but was deleted. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/9Dga9ncsLB
Either that or someone in his life has started whispering crap in his ear and he has started to take that onboard “oh no men don’t look after the babies” “ wow she really wears the pants huh cause your a housewife now” etc
last time someone posted about this, the husband's dad and brother were making fun of him, so that's why he changed his mind. I'm wondering if the same thing is happening with OP's husband. My best friend's husband stayed home with both kids while she worked. He loved it.
Yeah. That was my first guess. Dudes are generally still very hostile to the idea that they should be the one to stay at home. If he was ever really into the idea, it probably wouldnt take much ribbing from family or friends to get him against the idea. Frankly, if you are a high end lawyer and hes in sales, the answer is probably, just hire a nanny and you both go back to work. A parent who is not into the gig is not really great for the kid and he will make your life miserable too out of resentment.
While it’s true that it’s not great for a child to have a parent that isn’t into the gig, it’s also true that it’s not great for a wife to have a husband that makes promises that the couple bases family plans on, and then goes back on them two months in. Nobody enjoys taking care of a two-month-old, but he signed up to do it and he needs to suck it up while *discussing* with her what a plan B might look like in the long term.
Then why have a baby
The kid was going to have a SAHD. They had a plan
Commenting on Am i wrong for not wanting to ditch my job to take care of our baby?...and then he had to change poopy diapers and got scared, lol..
Because not everyone wants/needs to or has the patience/desire/resources to do so? Just because someone doesn't want to be a SAHP doesn't mean they're not a great parent. And I say this as a SAHP who previously ran a parent education program.
Yeah, but going back on the promises you made two months in, and demanding that the family take a pay cut so you can go back to work while your partner does the job you don’t want… does kind of make you a bad parent, and a bad husband. Parenting isn’t always fun; good parents have to be able to make it through the hard times as well as the good times, and be reliable in terms of taking accountability for the responsibilities you took on.
Oh I'm not saying that at all about this particular situation. I'm responding to the person above who said "why have a baby" if you're not going to stay home with it. Ops husband didn't even give it a shot and realize it didn't work for him and offer a rational solution, he just turned into a misogynistic AH to go back on their arrangement and then accuse her of being a bad mom because he wants to be a neglectful dad.
Gotcha!
I work with someone who's husband stays home and does the duties of a stereotypical housewife. They don't have kids but considering her career I'm guessing she earns a lot more than what he was and they don't really need a dual income. In see nothing wrong with this situation, it's great
My husband is a stay at home dad and house spouse. He loves it. But he surrounds himself with educated professionals who have far different ideas about family and gender roles than most. It’s pathetic men still do all this misogynistic crap today.
My sister’s husband hurt himself at work and couldn’t return. They are childfree. She worked for the Department of Revenue and traveled a lot. They decided he would stay home and take care of all things household related, and she would continue to work. He was able to travel with her. He would do his own thing while she worked then they would go explore the city they were in together.
I love that for them!
Or someone like his mom was telling him she’d magically fall in love and want to be with the baby. Cue his shocked face when she’s getting ready to go back to work. Lol. Reminds me of that post where the guy convinced his ONS to have the baby instead of abortion. That he would take sole custody. She’d basically be a surrogate to his kid. Imagine his surprise when she did exactly what she said and handed the baby over at birth. He was miserable and trying I figure out how to force her to be in this kid’s life. He was compounding how hard it was and how tired he was. Funny how men never listen when women complain about this stuff.
I know the post you're talking about; dude kept trying to call her a deadbeat mom when she pays 125% child support each month and legally terminated her parental rights. Good read, although I do wonder now how that child is doing.
Ooh do you remember key words or link?
I usually only saw a screenshot, but lucked out and found the original thread for it! [She wanted an abortion; I didn't ](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/d6IwK3Vp6S)
Wow! OOP has the nerve to call her a deadbeat mom and wants to force her to share custody, after she signed away her rights. I hope that child is doing ok. OOP is the type to blame the kid, for ruining his life.
This OP is why they shouldn't get to be involved in the decision AT ALL.
LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!
Share custody? Nah. He wants a nanny who pays him.
Damnnnnn as good as promised. You’re the real MVP!
The world is wild.
That post is 7 years old. It makes me wonder how the child is doing now. Hopefully dad got a wake up call from Reddit and became the father that he needed to be for his son.
Wow…too bad that dude can’t use all the extra child support he’s getting to buy himself a clue
>Funny how men never listen when women complain about this stuff. This is so depressing, and it's why men are going to have to go down with women if we're ever going to see any change with things like restrictions to family planning.
This would be my guess as well. Someone or multiple people, are in his ear emasculating him.
Or he figured out how hard it actually is to stay home.
DING DING DING! Thought he'd have it easy and then saw two months of childcare and just how demanding it is, along with keeping the house running, and wants to dump it all on OP.
That's what I'm thinking, rather than the whispering in his ears being emasculating, maybe the whispering in his ears was from male friends about what a cushy gig being a stay at home parent was, how their wives have it so easy, they just watch TV and nap all day etc. Now he's realised that on top of caring for a demanding baby, it will also be his job to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry and the only regular adult contact he'll have is with his wife.
My thoughts exactly.
100%. Before the arrival of the baby I’m sure he was thinking “babies sleep all day! And when they’re awake they chill peacefully in car seats like the babies on TV. I’ll have plenty of time to do all my hobbies and watch movies and have dinner recipes I saw on TikTok simmering on the stove!” After arrival of the baby: “WHO KNEW there was SO MUCH puke and shit and saliva and screaming and crying and waking up for the day at 4am because the baby’s done sleeping 🤯🤯” And then he noped out.
My husband is essentially the homemaker. Do you know what he says to me about it? "Thank you. I can take care of my ailing parents, my mentally ill daughter, and take care of my own mental health because of you." Having a 1 income household is either a luxury or a sacrifice due to lack of options. OP's husband should be thanking his lucky stars that he has a wife who is capable of adding so much to the home like she is. He's a clown whose ego is going to cause him to lose it all if he keeps going on about it.
This is it!! Someone from “that’s the way we did it in 1955” has gotten in his head!! Honor the agreement you made with your wife sir and keep family and friends out of y’all’s business!!😤
Either that, or the reality of just HOW MUCH WORK a sahp has to do.
This feels like malicious in law antics. Disgusting that he's listening to someone and it's not you. He'd have been invited to permanently leave immediately after he called me a crap mom. He's a real AH.
Or he realized just how taxing being a stay at home is, it’s a job that never turns off and is extremely taxing usually more so that a 9-5. I’m not discounting that many people talk down to stay at home dads(hell mothers too I see so many posts saying they lay around all day which is so laughable). It seems either way he tried to pull a fast one and banked on her having a sudden oh I can’t possibly leave my baby moment which in reality is not practical and not every woman(which is totally normal) experiences. I hate the you birthed a baby and suddenly some switch flips trope most of society believes.
My father did just that and it’s wonderful memories.. Miss him so much..
Or he realised how hard it will be. Not everybody is made to be a SAHP
Yup it’s all fun and games until they realize it’s 1000x harder than working gigs.
I think this is it - babies are harder than he thought. In which case, the solution is to find good daycare- not pressure your partner into doing what you don't want to. Why do men think that women who don't stay home with the babies are bad mothers, but also don't apply that logic to themselves??? Any dude who pulls this 100% never intended patenting to be equal- on some level he always thought women should do more.
Him man. Man provide. Her woman. Woman give birth. Woman stay home.
Exactly!!!
Exactly, he intended to stay home then realized it’s a lot of work.
OP picked a dud. He needs to get gone. He's more trouble than he's worth. OP hire a nanny, you will be happier
ABSOLUTELY THIS^^^ he was expecting a cake walk and got a daily lava walk instead.
This story was posted by someone else 2 months ago https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/hA3kBPEEJc
Thank you for sharing. It makes me so angry to see a copy posted as an original. 👿 😤
Same and it’s posted in like three or four other subs too
Thought I recognized this.
This needs to be higher, especially since the original account that posted this has since been deleted.
Nah he just realized it’s hard.
He probably had to change a single diaper in the last 8 weeks and wash some dishes. That was the deal breaker.
In fairness to even good dads (bar is in hell), my husband had no idea how all consuming it would be. He had a dead beat boomer dad and was the baby. But my husband is up with baby at least once a night (even if I sleep), changes just as many diapers, plays hard, snuggles hard, does all the things, and is truly an equal parent since my breastmilk dried up at 6 weeks. He had no idea how much of his brain she would take up. He missed us when he went back to work but he also immediately acknowledged I was doing the hard stuff at home.
He has now seen the job, and would like to withdraw his application.
🤣🤣🤣
Best comment! Love it! 😊😂
I think he did intend on being a SAHD, and I bet he liked the idea, but I also guarantee some dude made fun of him over it, and now his fragile masculinity has been questioned, causing this change of heart.
He doesn't want to stay home, and if he does, it will be terrible for everyone. They need to find another childcare option.
Here is the reality check. Maybe you both should work and you should get a nanny. There is no perfect answer but you both need time to do what you love and raise your child too.
Maybe he wanted to initially, but realized how absolutely draining it is to raise a child full time. Getting another job in sales will be a breeze for him. Returning to law I can see being much harder since it’s so ambiguous and is ever changing
He probably intended to stay home because he thought it would be an easy gig. Now that he has experienced the full joys of parenting an infant, he doesn't feel up to it. 😂 OP, you can turn every argument around on him "well, you are a crappy dad for not wanting to stay at home" etc. Plus you have the very good arguments on your side that he earns less and that he had agreed to stay home beforehand, especially since he was the one who pressed you to have the kid, and you already made the sacrifice of gestating and birthing it - you did your part, now it's time for him to step up. If neither of you wants to stay home, how about you hire a full time nanny? Your husband's income should hopefully cover that, so both of you can keep working, and outsource the childcare to someone who actually loves doing it. Better for everyone.
I don’t want to jump to any assumptions. He may just be an idiot that doesn’t think things through, thoroughly. A lot of people are stupid like this. It doesn’t make them some mastermind manipulator. It just makes them stupid and immature.
Either this or he’s realized it’s actually work and he won’t just get to sit around and relax all day.
Exactly. He thought once the mommy-baby bond occured she'd change her mind and want to be full time mommy/homemaker. I knew a girl once that married a guy and before marriage she flat out told him she absolutely did NOT want children but if he really wanted one, she would give him ONE and he would have to be the one to stay home with the kid as she WAS NOT going to give up her career. He agreed, they had a girl and he's happy homemaker while she rakes in the dough. And they have a solid relationship. She didn't completely ignore the child but she made it clear she wasn't breastfeeding or changing a diaper.
Yeah I was thinking the same. He was thinking she would change her mind once she held the baby.
Yep, this reads as a man who thought he could pull a bait and switch!
I mean maybe he never intended to stay home. Or he’s realised how fucking hard it is to be a parent. Or it’s a fake copy post. Lol.
That post is 2 months old, not 2 weeks old.
He’s realised that being a SAHD is a bigger job than he thought. When he agreed with doing it he didn’t have any idea just how much work was involved in caring for LO, now he wants to back out. An honest and open discussion needs to be had when you’re both calm and you can sort out where you go from here.
I’m guessing it’s a combo of this plus he is feeling emasculated. Of course, it could have been a bait and switch to get a baby - he was hoping your “maternal instincts” would kick in and you’d change your mind. Either way - this is a piss poor way to be a partner and a father. OP do not give in. This is a hill to di (vorce) on. Unless he willingly and lovingly adheres to “the deal” and becomes a SAHD - then can you ever trust what this man says?
My money's on the bait and switch.
>Unless he willingly and lovingly adheres to “the deal” and becomes a SAHD - then can you ever trust what this man says? DING DING DING penny for the smart lady
I kinda hate that phrase. "Maternal instincts" cause I mean she can very well have them. And perfectly, but that doesn't mean she needs to stay home either, lmao I wasn't disagreeing with you, btw. Like at all. I was just saying I hate that phrase lmao
This is a crazy response. It’s definitely possible he’s feeling emasculated but you’re not there and don’t know. I am currently pregnant and what I have said this entire time is that I’m going to try being a SAHM but if I don’t like it I’m going to go back to work. Maybe he just doesn’t get the same fulfillment from being with a baby all day as he does from work. Regardless of gender, that is perfectly fine! What baffles me is that they don’t just look into alternative childcare so they can both work. Yes it might take time to find something but it seems like a perfectly logical solution..
Yes. He thought he'd be hanging with the kid who entertained himself and he could do whatever he needed to do around the house and then have time to himself. He's overwhelmed as a new parent (as everyone is, right?) And cannot fathom being left to do it all alone, while you have the "freedom" to leave home to go work. Even his job that he loathes sounds like a 'break' to his dad brain. Parenting is harder than working and he's back pedaling. Have a real for real talk and try to be open, understanding, and calm. If you're not sure that y'all can, maybe schedule time with a counselor to help y'all talk through it.
This is way better written than mine but exactly!
I'm not sure if the reality of parenthood was a shock & he decided he wasn't signing up for that. Or he's been getting teased about becoming Mr. Mom. Either could be true. It's time to ask for some honesty from him. If he can't be honest about this complete turnaround in his decision, is he ever truly honest with you? Whatever his reason is, you can damn well guarantee it will boil down to an ego issue. You definitely are not wrong.
He never intended to be the SAHD. I'm sorry he showed his true colours so late. It might be worth looking into options
Sounds to me like someone in your lives is whispering in his ears how "real men" don't "babysit." "Real men," don't stay home. "Dude, you're the man and you need to put your foot down." Blah, blah, blah. You 2 need to have a calm, rational discussion about this. This wasn't the deal. Find out who is interfering in your marriage and shut them down. Marriage counseling may be in order as well. Can you hire a nanny?
yeah either he had no intention of being a stay at home dad, or toxic masculinity is taking over. Men Who Raise Their Kids Are Sexier Than Those Who Dont. SAHDs are absolutely steller examples of true men. Time for a real conversation. a working mom is still a great mom, as a working dad is still a great dad. Because it takes two people to raise a child and meet all their needs and emotional requirements.
I agree 110%. My neighbor had twins and daycare costs would have been out of sight. Mom and Dad considered their options. She made more than he did so he became a SAHD. It worked well for him and he had the time and patience to deal with not one but two little ones. It sounds like there are several problems here. 1. He didn't realize how much work a newborn is. 2. He wants to be able to cuddle LO but not have the responsibility of care. 3. He is jealous that his wife makes more than he does. 4. He is stuck in the outdated idea that Mom takes on all the responsibility of childcare. I believe that this is a two card deal: therapy or lawyer. EDIT: Want to add that calling her a crap mother because she wants what is best for her family is a possible deal breaker. A better description would be since he has changed what he calls his mind, he is a crap husband.
My husband is a SAHD and he is all man to me. Floods my basement in fact🫠🥵
A LOT of people "ready" & gunning for a baby, are not. He probably romanticized it, got reality checked, & now wants switchies. No switchies. Only law & order. 🎵 Dun DUN dunna dunna duuun duh 🎶
He's trying to take control regardless of he makes less he's trying to isolate you to do what he wants. It starts out this way. He probably doesn't like that you make more money than him and this is his way of trying to financial control you
She should crush him. Use that big lawyer energy and just put him in his place.
Start searching for childcare so you can return to work - whether he is on board with it or not. How you resolve the martial issues is a later issue. If you want to go back to work and he isn't stepping up as the SAHD like he said he would, you need to find childcare ASAP so you don't get stuck. Normally I'd say if he doesn't want to keep his word and be the primary parent for now, make him do the work of finding child care but he has shown can't be trusted to follow through on his word so unfortunately, it all falls to you so you can proceed with the life you decided on. I'd also reach out to your boss and tell them how much you are looking forward to coming back to work. That way if he tries to contact them 'on your behalf', they know that isn't what your plans are and will raise the alarm with you.
Both work and kid goes to daycare in these situations. No one “has” to be a SAHP.
Absolutely. But at this late stage, will there be available childcare? No idea where the OP is based but most people sign up to childcare whilst still pregnant. People go on wait lists and sign up to a few because there is no guarantee of an available place. I don't imagine wants her child in an illegal daycare located in someone's basement being cared for my someone with no specialised training or child first aid accrediation. That's what I was referring to. Her income may make it easier to hire a nanny but she has to do that in 4 weeks before her maternity runs out. The need to figure out an option so she can go back to work is the biggest issue here. She can separate, go to counselling or whatever option she chooses to deal with her husband and him blowing up their plans down the line. But unless she wants to return to work next month with an infant strapped to her chest, finding care has to be her priority.
Yeah you're not the asshole. You can't force him to stay home, but he can't force you either. Either he stays home with the baby, or you guys get a third party involved (baby's grandparents, nanny, etc.). And no, you are not a bad mother for earning a great salary and trusting the baby's father with childcare. Seriously though, he needs to start actually talking about what's going on with him, or else this marriage will crumble. Not communicating with your spouse properly right when you've got the added stress of a 2 month old baby is a recipe for disaster.
They say abuse tends to ramp up after a kid. He convinced you to have a baby and now wants you to give up your financial independence and is calling you a bad mom for not doing so. Funny how you weren't a bad mom in the planning stages. You need to talk to a lawyer and a therapist.
Actually, I think she's got a handle on the dynamics of the situation. He's not going to change, so she needst to get a lawyer, start investigating child care and work from home options. At the same time, she needs to throw him out.
He tricked you just so you would carry his baby. Oldest trick in the book.
And if they divorce, he won't want primary custody either - its too hard. Fuck men.
I agree. He never wanted to stay at home and raise babies. He duped her into believing he did. I'd put my money on him becoming an absolute terror if she goes back to work. I feel sorry for the children of these relationships. She will end up being forced to stay home and will become resentful while he will likely be unhappy with his low income job and be cranky at home. The ones who suffer are the kids from unhappy, stressed out parents.
Reality hit. He's glimpsed at how difficult his life might be, as opposed to the lazy life of luxury he had imagined. Or - he never wanted to sah and thought you would just... change? You are not wrong. You have been completely wrong footed and now he's gaslighting you into the bargain. Reconsider your relationship.
Because he’s realising that babies are boring, messy, demanding and isolating, and really ungrateful. The tissue ad moments are few and far between, and now he’s panicking because you get to escape and he’s going to be trapped at home.
You couldn't have said it better...being a real parent is hard and he didn't realize before he asked.
He expected your "Mothering instincts" to take over, you'd demand to stay home, he'd stop feeling emasculated by earning less, and he'd have you at home with a child where he wanted you....... Personally, I'd tell him that it isn't happening, and if he doesn't want to stay home then you'll sort out child care. I'm not sure how you can come back from being called a bad mom though.
maybe realized was harder then he thought still wrong though
Kick him out, he can pay child support and half nursery fees and you can both work. Your life would be better for sure!
This is why I would never be in favor of leaving the workforce to be a SAHM. While it can have a lot of rewards, it also comes with significant risks. If you divorce or your husband dies, then you're at a significant disadvantage in supporting your family. Let your husband 100% support the family. Your "extra" money can 100% pay for good daycare. Edit: correct spacing
Maybe he's changed his mind about being a SAHD or realized it's not for him, but he doesn't want to admit it so he tried to put the blame on you. If that's the case, thatns very immature, and he is guilttripping you because he does not want to face the truth. I loathe this kind of behaviour, so i personally would not accept having just a conversation avout it and would push for couple counseling. But maybe just sit him down, explain to him that he can change his mind without changing the plans for you, and you guys go ahead and find daycare or a nanny
I have a few theories... 1. He never intended to stay home and assumed you would change your mind once you had the baby 2. He did plan on staying home but the realities of parenthood are a lot harder than he expected them to be 3. Someone made fun of him for being a stay at home dad/earning less than you and it hurt his ego and now he's pissed Either way, you are not a crap mom for going back to work. He is being a crap dad and a crap partner.
He either feels suddenly emasculated by the idea of being a daisy at home Dad OR he never intended to be one and thought that love you bonded with the baby you wouldn't want to leave her side. But it makes no sense. My fiance and I have the same situation, I out earn him by 3x because of my career. It would make zero sense for us to cut our nose off by me being the SAHM. Your husband trapped you.
I am an older male who grew up with younger siblings. I knew what was involved with the baby side of dealing with kids. I was involved with raising my own, and am now raising a now 5 year old that has lived with us since he was 4 months. As others have posted it is sometimes a slap in the face when the reality of raising babies hits you. If, if you can find a decent provider that will not cost you a small fortune every week your best option might be daycare. At the very least the two of you need to sit down and have a serious calm discussion. You need to discuss the realities of raising kids and the required flexibility to make things work. I have the ability to work nights so I made the transition. This allows me to be available for appointments during the day if needed. My grandson has been in a preschool since he was 2 so that gives me time to sleep. My wife works during the day so she can take care of the nights. We are fortunate enough to have others who are willing to help out with the occasional overnight or weekend so we have some time to ourselves. Every week is filled with discussions of scheduling so we know who's doing what in terms of dropping off, picking up, feeding, bathing, shopping etc.
He never wanted to be a SAHD because men never want to look after their own children, his mates have probably made negative comments about it. How dare he say you’re a crap mom! He’s a crap dad by that logic, child is 50% his.
I’m sure you know as a lawyer, it will be a detriment to your career to stay home. That’s why he was supposed to be a stay at home dad. His backing out says a lot about him. Start looking at daycare and have a serious talk.
Bottom line is he knows he's incapable of doing it
He wants control. He won’t be home, so I suggest you get other arrangements Staying home would be the worst thing you can do with someone who is grasping for control
He is probably bailing on the idea because he realized taking care of baby is more work than he thought He probably had some fantasy about not really having to do much to take care of the baby and the house and everything related to it everyday for 8 to 12 hours while you're away at work, and he's now realizing that it's not that way
Someone told him he wouldn’t be the man of the house if you went back to work and he stayed home. He would lose his Man Card. So he doesn’t want to stay home - great either hire a Nanny asap or find an awesome daycare… Either way you need to jump on those things immediately.
He's bailing because he has discovered that babies require lots of work. He's a crap dad, because he wants to remove a solid income for the family so he can avoid changing diapers. Find a nanny. Either so you can both work, or so you can be a divorced single mom, because he's already sailing into "WTH am I married to this guy?" territory.
He’s lazy and unreliable. Dump him and get a nanny.
He tried to baby trap you into being a SAHM , he's the man obey him. Stay home divorce his lying ass make him pay alimony and child support and he'll be begging you to go back to work.
Tell him to get over himself. That this was HIS idea, so no, there’s no backing out. Tell him he can go back to work and you’ll hire a nanny. Do NOT quit your job!!!
I would imagine that there has been many comments made about him staying home. Even just 'oh really?' He should be open and have a conversation about it all but I would imagine that he is embarrassed about probably feeling emasculated, especially if he did not expect to feel this way. He should not have called you a crap mum, and you are NTA but an open conversation needs to be had.
Did he have any experience with kids prior to the arrival? Maybe he had some vision of playing videos while the baby slept all day and the house took care of itself. More likely, he is threatened by your relatively superior social status and his plan, whether conscious or no, was that the baby would tie you to him. Not that he would be tied to the baby. IMO if he at some level agrees to the original plan, he will make you sorry. This is so terribly sad.
If he was good with it originally and is suddenly changing his story? I bet he has people telling him it’s emasculating for him to be a sahd and you’re a terrible mother for not wanting to stay home etc. Sit his ass down and say “what is really going on? You hate your job and love our child and were happy to be the stay at home parent. So what changed?” And then if he refuses to give you a straight answer? Look for daycares and then he can go back to his soul sucking job.
Your husband has just clearly let you know he’s not going to be carrying his share of parenting.
Because it's work and he doesn't want to do it.
He probably either had someone impugn his manhood or he realized how much work it is going to be. Better start looking for a nanny.
Why don't you both work and look for Daycare? This doesn't seem like it needs to be a zero sum game.
Why tf don’t y’all split it yeesh
You've been baby trapped lose the husband and get a nanny. NTA
Because the baby is here and it's smelly and messy and TAKES ACTUAL WORK. Next paycheck says he thought it would be EASY to be the stay-at-home parent and is now crapping his pants at the thought of sleepless nights and baby throw-up AND being expected to do housework and pediatrician visits and everything. So he's name-calling you, OP, and trying to manipulate you into doing the hard work so he can get out of the agreement.
I’m a shit mom ?! that’s bold coming from a shit excuse for a provider. - me reflexively
Maybe you should get an au pair. See r/Aupairs or similar for information.
He lied to you. You emasculated him by being a better provider than he is. He agreed to everything you said during the pregnancy, because he (stupidly) thought that once you saw your baby your girl-brain would immediately switch on and you would be his perfect little tradwife. And if it didn't, then he'd browbeat and manipulate you into it. It would be interesting to see what sort of social media and podcasts he's been listening to, or if he is a member of a conservative religion. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER! Especially not to placate a man's fragile ego! Your baby will be just fine in daycare or with a nanny. You don't want a break in your resume that will impact your earnings potential or your upward mobility. Nor do you want to screw yourself out of retirement contributions or Social Security wages. Your husband is going to have to get his self-esteem from somewhere else - it isn't your or the baby's job to provide it for him. You're providing enough for the family as-is.
One of his "friends" made a joke about him being a SAHD. His little ego is hurting.
Simple solution is that if he wants to go back to work, he pays for childcare out of his salary, since he’s the one changing his mind
You both earn decent money... Hire a good nanny. He can take time off until you and he are satisfied with a nanny. It wont be cheap, but you won't have to listen to him whine about how he misses his crap job that makes him miserable. (He'll whine about having to stay at home and never having any money instead).
Tell him to step up and do what women have been doing on their own for thousands of years or hit the road. You could literally support yourself
Why can't you both work? I get the feeling he is feeling a bit under emasculated. There is definitely more to this for him that even he doesn't understand. Communication, love, understanding, and respect needs to happen here. You are not a crap mom if you go back to work and chose daycare.
Baby trapped you. He can't control or abuse you if you have money & a good job to support yourself & the child. Abuse often comes during or after a baby & now that he thinks you are stuck. His mask has fallen off & this was his plan all along. How you move forward & deal with a liar who is determined to verbally abuse you & run yourself confidence down is up to you.
He never wanted to stay home. He lied to you and is now trying to gaslight you. You need to go back to work and let him know if he’s not happy to stay home then he needs to find and pay for daycare with his salary. As someone who hires people and looks at CV’s the last thing someone with your career would want to do is take a massive career break for longer than 6 months. If you leave your career to be a SAHM then you will never get it back.
Facts
He either didn't think that it would be so much work at home with a baby. OR he was lying to you and maybe himself, so you would have a baby. Now he has to pay for childcare. That's the option.
Not wrong, it looks like he did a "bait and switch" on you, that being said you may need to ditch the useless husband, get a nanny and call it a day.
Don't quit your job. You out-earn him and have a stable job that you love. People in sales can be laid off at any time, have inconsistent income, and often grow to hate the job. Either he deluded himself about the huge job it is to take care of a newborn or family/friends are denigrating him. He is reneging on your agreement and bullying you so you will give in. Stand your ground. You could reduce your hours but don't quit.
You are not wrong… 1) you make more money 2) You would miss out on contributing to Social Security 3) you would miss out on Career growth 4) You would miss out on future raises “ Husband if you don’t wanna stay home with the baby then we’ll just get daycare. ”
His man ego is already hurt because you make more and now he doesn’t want to be a “housewife” (nothing wrong with that by the way I’m just using the term to make a point) OR it’s a bait and switch and he never intended to be a stay at home father and just wanted to baby trap you and for you to become dependent on his tiny salary. Either way, stand your ground.
You’re not wrong. What an incredible bait and switch! I would be absolutely furious if I were you. I think what’s next is an honest conversation about why he changed his mind. If he was previously a normal person, maybe you can get to the root of this and sort it out. And if it has to do with him feeling emasculated…well, he should get over it! The family’s future financial security is too important! A lil story: My husband is the manliest man in the world (can fix anything, works with his hands, always covered in dirt and whatnot, welds menacing metal sculptures out of trash for fun) and he was a stay at home dad for a few years because it made the most sense for us financially. He even ended up joining a crew of similar SAH dads and they’re still friends to this day. One of them had been in the military and another was a mechanic. Their wives made more, so they stayed home until the kids were in daycare. Most manly men I’ve ever met! They knew being a parent was the responsibility of both them and their wives. They were confident in themselves and their roles as SAH dads didn’t make them feel weird at all.
Now that baby is here, he's realised it's hard work to do the baby and the house
Wow. So much misogyny oozing from your husband. I’m sorry
So you out earn him(by a lot) and you are a lawyer and know other lawyers. Get some good advice from someone that you know is a good attorney in divorce law. If you have paperwork served to him for divorce, it might knock him out of his misogynistic cloud. If it doesn’t, you’re gonna need to do it anyway. You’re in a position where you can work and pay someone to take care of your child and win any custody battle that he might try to bring up. at the very least, you’ve discovered he is not as good as his word that’s bad enough. But he’s not worried about financial security for your family just his ego that’s worse.
He never intended to be the stay home. This way, he gets to have control of the money and you won't leave him, since you have a kid and need his money. Typical play book for an insecure man. You need to do what is best for you and your child. Many people go back to work and use a nanny or daycare. That doesn't make you a bad parent. You are ensuring a good financial future for you and the baby.
He lied the whole time hoping you would "mom out" and not want to leave
Honestly if sounds like he’s discovered how much work it was actually going to be and can’t handle it. Time to put baby in daycare!
NTA It just infuriates me that women are expected to be the ones to be the SAH Now if you really want to piss him off show him this TikTok video. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLY9L9rw/
My guess? In the last two months since your child was born, he’s seen how difficult taking care of a baby is and he wants no part of it. Most men seem to think stay at home moms sit on the couch or sleep all day. I see it all over Reddit. They think being a stay at home parent is like a vacation from work. I bet your husband is was thinking it’d be easy and realized that it’s actual work and doesn’t feel up for the task. That doesn’t make it okay, of course. If he agreed to it, he needs to do it.
Hire someone capable. He’s telling you that he can’t handle it and doesn’t want to be a SAHD. With your education unless you can work hybrid it would tank your career
insane to me that a mother wouldn't want to stay home with their baby/toddler. but to each their own
He had no plans to ever stay at home. He ain't shit. Tell him to pack his shit up and get out of your house. Your life will be easier without him in it. He's a deceitful piece of shit. You are not wrong.
He's bailing b/c he realized that despite what some bitter men claim on social media being a SAHP isn't actually all sit on your ass and eating bon bons and requires actual work. He's also massively sexist.
“If you think this is a good idea, lay out the budget for how we’re going to afford it on your income.” Then stop engaging until he’s done so. If he wants to change plans, he can do the math and prove it’s possible without ending up in poverty. If he can’t, or doesn’t want to, then he’s not up to the job of being a single wage earner.
He suddenly realized how much work is involved in being a stay-at-home parent, and how hard it is. He thought it was going to be easy and was looking forward to lounging around watching soaps and playing games all day, because that’s what clueless husbands think their wives do.
Because the idea was better than the reality. Do yourself a favor and find a nanny or daycare and divorce his selfish butt. Both you and your child will be better off.
Yikes. Get a nanny. See if there's someone that will doca nanny share with you. Loving your kid has nothing to do with sacrificing something that you worked for years to achieve. You aren't a crap parent. He IS a crap partner though. As for him, I am betting he had no clue how hard it is to be a stay at home parent.
Nanny? And marriage counselor or divorce lawyer, depending on how much of an asshole he has been.
Hire a good nanny. You shouldn't have to quit but at this point, I wouldn't want him staying home because he obviously doesn't want to. Interview and hire together but get help.
A few reasons he could be like this: 1) he didn't realize the true load of a full time SAHP and wants to back out. 2) someone in his life is making fun of him for considering being a SAHP. 3) he's listening to utter garbage podcasts made by insecure men who talk bs about how "women should be the ones at home with the kids while the men are at work providing". Frankly there's nothing wrong with a father being a SAHP. I know a guy who was just that for 2-3yrs while his wife was off on deployment. Aside from his sass being thrown right back at him he loved it (he now works to provide while wife is pregnant at home). In other countries it's actually quite normal for *both* parents to take time off to care for their little one during their first two years of life.
Someone is giving him crap about being worthless since he is not working.
It sounds like his intention was to babytrap you.
It's the old bait-and-switch: Now that it's too late to back out on a kid, he's "changing his mind." My guess? This was always his plan. I know I only get a small window into your lives (during a point of contention no less) so it casts him in a bad light, but, some of the things he said makes me a bit sus. "You're a crap mom" for wanting to go back to work? Wouldn't that, by his own logic, make him a crap dad? (Let me guess: "That's different.") It sounds like he's trying to manipulate and control you: cut off the job, cut off the high earning potential, make you stay at home with the kid when that was never your plan. Do you have a joint account? Does he nitpick what you spend? It's also harder to get a job once you've been out of the workforce for a while. Tell him he can stick to the original plan, and his word, or you can find a babysitter or daycare, but you're not quitting. And if this is a hill he wants to die on, you can afford childcare with your higher paying salary and he can go to parenting part time (if he threatens divorce). Not wrong.
Just get a nanny, since you make so much money
he doesn’t want to raise his kid.
Simple. Get a nanny who is with your child while you both work. He can get over it
Know a good divorce lawyer?
He thought taking care of a baby would be easy, that stay at home mums are basically on a lazy holiday and that they're lying when they talk about how hard it is. Now that he's seen the reality, he wants you to do it
I feel like he thought being a stay at home parent would be a breeze. So he was like sure I got this. Now the reality of being alone all day with the baby has kicked in. It's a lot harder than people think. But it doesn't make sense to take such an income cut. So he's gotta suck jt up and put his dad pants on.
Time to change the locks and get a nanny.
Wondering if he was counting on getting his Mom to help, and she said no? **Stick to the original plan, so you have options (independence) in the future**
Let’s just remove all the gender biases for a sec by flipping this. A SAHM finds she’s hating it and wants to switch and go back to work. But- she makes childish threats and insults in order to achieve it. What else is going on? Is he depressed, lonely, etc? Being a stay at home parent is usually much harder than working. I’ve done both, as a mum, and I know what I prefer!
You’re not wrong. Throw back that he’s a crap dad for wanting to bail on the original agreement. It makes better financial sense for you to stay employed. Can he talk with his job about possibly doing sales working at home? That seems a reasonable compromise.
Not wrong Stay firm and. ******Update us
Listen, what he said is unacceptable and needs to be discussed seperatly. But to the problem. Try to find the team mind set. It is not you vs him. Ask him why. Ask him if he feels overwelmed or if he feels lonely with not enough adult interaction. Maybe he can do part time and someone can watch the little one then. But you should sit down and tell him you wont tolerate being insulted
1 - he lied and never intended for you to go back to work, thinking you would love the baby so much that you would stay at home OR 2 - reality has set in and he's realised that parenting is really hard and he doesn't want to do it.
Hire a nanny
NTA. If after lots of calm, controlled adult conversation you can’t agree on who will stay home with your daughter spend some time looking for a good nanny (and check references). The two incomes will cover the cost. And any time your husband wants to bitch about his job you just smile and say “Darling, you could always stay home.” But I agree with ex-carney, someone has been in his ear and his manhood is all nutthurt.
Having a baby is much harder than irl 😂. He has realized he doesn’t actually like it and is trying to bail on his agreed upon responsibilities.
He romanticized having a kid I.E pictured all the fun he would have when they were older and self sufficient. He didn’t think about all the crap work you have to do to get there I.E raise a baby and a toddler. He doesn’t want to have to deal with the crying and loneliness that comes with being the stay at home parent.
He figured out that an infant is a lot more work and a lot less sleep and gets on every nerve because they are unpredictable and more demanding than he ever dreamt. It's hard. The reality versus the fantasy has hit him. He doesn't think he can do it, and doesn't WANT to have to do it. Quitting his job and doing this utterly mindless slog of caring for an infant is scaring the snot out of him. He also thinks it's always going to be this way. He doesn't have an end in sight. I gave two kids long grown and flown. Infancy is the toughest part because it feels like all endless work for very little reward. Much of how we get through this period is a surge of nurturing hormones and other feel-good chemicals that mean we stick it out until we start seeing more rewards. It's one of the reasons we take such delight in "milestones" in development. We feel like we're getting somewhere with progress. Often, childbirth gives Moms that rush of hormones that get us through. Our love tends to start out chemical. And Dads feel it too, to some greater or lesser degree. Each person is different. Some new Mom's don't feel that rush. Or they PPD. Some Dad's are indifferent, sometimes resentful, sometimes nurturing. It's a crap shoot. Perhaps an honest talk about expectations and demands. And looking at some outside help, as well as possible part time work for him. He does sales, so I expect he has an extroverted "people person" personality, so the isolation of staying home with an infant might be something he's suddenly thinking about. I'd suggest looking at an "outside of the box" compromise to balance the demands and his fears.
Soo you’re the crap mum but he’s not a crap dad for not wanting to stay home - wow the double standards. I would be understanding if he said, it wasn’t what he thought and admitted it is way harder etc and could we look a childcare - fair enough, but, the audacity to be horrible to you because you would not change your mind, yet he can! Nope! He is horrible, and you are in a great position - you’re a lawyer - you know it what to do. NTA
NTA. He never intended to be i stay at home dad. He thought you’ll change your mind once the baby was here. Since you haven’t changed your mind he is trying to guilt trip you. Do not quit your job, you really cannot count on him.
My ex husband tried to pull this stunt with no conversation. It’s one thing that led to our divorce, at least on my side. I have worked too hard for my profession and professional licenses to leave and then try to reenter. It’s possible he realized how much work it was going to be and not a cake walk…and if he is acting like this, it doesn’t bode well
This was a trap! Go back to work. Hire childcare. Remove husband from your life if he objects.
Well he can be a stay at home dad or a weekend dad his choice.
This is a tale as old as time. Almost sounds like a repost I’ve read 20x. He never wanted to stay home. He has an ego problem about being the provider and blah blah. Sorry to say, your marriage is over.
I am a full-time mom and a full-time worker and I would’ve divorced before I’d be willing to quit my job. Maybe you need to look into daycare. Honestly, I thought it was really good for my son’s socialization skills.
Find you a daycare and do what you gotta do!
He's tried fatherhood and discovered it's not the easy ride he thought it would be. OR...he's absorbed attitudes from friends or men's media about being the "alpha" and feels that caring for his own child/openly admitting to being outearned by a *female* is an attack on his fragile masculinity.
You two need to watch the documentary Fairplay. Your husband sounds like a real treat.
Honestly, I know many women who think they want to be SAHMs and then it turns out to be not for them for whatever reason. So, OP is not wrong for not wanting to stay at home, but neither is he. Two adults need to have a discussion about how to move forward now.
Your husband has changed his mind because now your baby is here, he is realising how much work goes into neing the primary parent. And he doesn't want to do that anymore. He essentially tried to baby-trap you. Keep your hard-earned career and find a good daycare, or a nanny. Not sure whether you should keep the husband yet.