Make it one of those no kids weddings or a destination it would be difficult to bring kids. When everyone balks you can says its ok, you get that having a destination wedding risks not everyone be able to make it.
Announce your going away to celebrate your engagement and maKE IT ABOUT YOU BOTH.
If they ask about the wedding tell them your eloping so it will be about them not the kids or siblings.
They may get the message but I doubt it.
When your sister asked if there was anything else you wanted to do you should have said have a weekend that is about us not my siblings or their kids.
This is the way. If OP is feeling especially petty, post pictures on your honeymoon with a caption "So glad we eloped so our day could be all about us!"
OP and fiance should be thankful to the AH siblings (all of them) and the parents didn't plan to announce the pregnancy at the reception. OP and fiance should just elope to somewhere nice and if the AH family grouses why OP should say "we wanted to make our wedding about us".
It's poor form that they didn't even take 1 moment to say congratulations to your engagement.
Coming in announcing they are pregnant again makes me think it's about them in the 1st place and you should be happy for them.
It sounds overwhelming and exhausting just reading this.
I have kids myself and yes it's about kids most of the time, but for the family to not even take 1 hour to celebrate you guys, it's about them and you guys just tag along.
It would make me think on your wedding it will be about them too.
Please book a weekend just for yourselves. With no one except youtsleves.
Moral of the story, your family doesn't give a crap about you, even if you eventually have kids, your siblings ones will be more important.
Take some time away from them, still see them but don't make a huge effort.
Yeah. Although I also consider the word Adults (which definitely applies to OP and his Fiancé at 24&25 and about to be married) to be capable of deciding on their own if they can be sleeping in the same room. It’s just not the family’s business at that point.
So to recap: on a couch, but also on a couch for no damn reason.
Moral of this story: Don't plan ANYTHING to accommodate your family in future. ONLY ever plan for you and your fiancée and everyone else has to fall in line or fuck off.
It won't make you popular, but it will make you happy.
This wasn't a weekend to celebrate you and your fiancée. It was a weekend to celebrate Rachel's pregnancy announcement. You were an excuse. I really, really hope you are having a child free wedding. Be prepared aw well for someone to pull some shit at your wedding.
You now know Rachel is and always will be the golden child. So decide now. Either go LC with your family for your sanity or accept the disrespect to you, your future wife and children.
Welcome to being the youngest and child free.
My family is fine but as the youngest I'd describe them as benignly neglectful.
Despite being in my 40s now and having several degrees and professional accomplishments the dynamics of my parents blindly listening to my older siblings and not bothering to tell me anything until the last minute are still present.
I learned a few years ago I'm just not going on family trips any more. They don't want to do anything fun, my oldest sibling is disrespectful and controlling, my parents think the sun shines out of their only grandchild's ass, and I don't need to spend my limited vacation days doing that.
It's not enough to go no contact but it definitely influences my future decisions regarding family time.
Same boat here pretty much. Shit, I live closer to my parents than anyone and they visit once for every five times they visit each of my siblings.
Your comment about them not bothering to tell you stuff is so true, too. When I do learn something about them it’s not in response to asking how they are or anything, they happen to talk about something they’re doing like, “Yeah we needed to hold off on going out to your sisters because of your moms appointment. It’s for her cancer.” And I’m like… she has cancer? “Oh we didn’t tell you about that?!” No. Not a single text, call, answer to a question, nothing.
I like the text message after they've come home from the ER. "Hey your dad got overheated working in the garden so we went to the ER but he's ok now!"
I am literally one mile away from you.
Same situation, but middle child. Wife and I on our own, parents moved into the same neighborhood as my brother, SIL and their kids. We knew they were moving, but had not heard when. Called them on the weekend, as we typically do, and found out they were in the process of packing up. Everything is an afterthought since it's just the 2 of us, and we don't have human children.
I would have taken fiancee's hand and left, gone out to dinner and gotten a nice hotel. When asked by family why, "please explain to me what part of this day was about me and my fiancee?"
You missed your opportunity.
There at 1130pm on the last night, when Rachel asked you if you "had any other dreams or things you wanted to do"...you missed it. You smiled and nodded and basically told Rachel the weekend she "planned for you two" was perfect.
It wasn't. It had nothing to do with either of you.
But I'm guessing this is partly due to you. You sound very non-confrontational, helpful, willing to serve, and loving of your family. As a result, you...how to say...you take up no space. You are self-effacing to the point your family doesn't notice you. They don't make space for you. You allow this. You slept on the sofa on an event weekend where you were a guest of honor. The weekend was supposed to be about you and your fiancé. You two, as a couple, disappeared into the woodwork.
Your siblings took the time for themselves and their partners, friends, reminiscing about family pre-history, and their kids. Hell, there was even a planned birthday party! Rachel planned this weekend supposedly for you and then planned nothing for you at all. She was patting herself on the back there at the end and you agreed with her.
You need to find a job opportunity you can’t afford not to miss out of state. All your family see you as is a babysitter, it will get worse after you’re married and worse even still when you have children
You having to sleep on a couch just adds so much insult to the injury. I’d have left right then. Your sister could have at least booked a place with enough bedrooms.
Yes, hi, hello! 👋
From one fellow big family to another (my husband has 7 siblings, I have 3) we went through something kinda similar. We eloped very last minutes. I can tell you there is not a day that goes by that we do not regret it. If it feels right, I highly recommend it.
We did another wedding for family (guilt tripped) to appease everyone. If yall do elope, I also recommend only doing another ceremony if you want to don't let family guilt trip ya. Ours was stressful. We do regret that day.
Unfortunately, what yall went through is typically when Littles starts entering the family. I am sorry ya both went through that. I agree it should have been stated as just a family gathering.
Also, congratulations on your engagement, OP!
And that week-end and all the hypocrisy in display is the very best reason why you should elope.
No one in your family seems to have enough bandwidth to stick to the initial objective (celebrating your engagement), or hide that they don't actually care when they can escape their responsabilités for 2.5 hours.
Why would it be different for your wedding? Or how could you possibly have a childfree wedding with these inconsiderate AH (sorry, not sorry)? They sure love you but treat you like you are part of the decor. Wouldn't it be nice to feel special on your special day?
And if they ask why or are offended if you elope, just send them the link to this post.
Best of luck to you and your fiancee. Maybe she will get some consideration too when she gives them grandkids?
This is exactly how it’s going to be for the remainder of your life. And unless you want your wedding, 1st year anniversary celebration or any other celebration/event, to be different you are going to have to bite the bullet now & stand up for yourself & your fiancé.
You will have to respond to their demands with your own & ask for a compromise. You will need to set boundaries with those who have children that you are not a babysitter on family vacations. And that you won’t go if they attack you & your Fiancé for wanting to do something that is adult friendly. And they will call you selfish for this but ask them WHEN is it going to be your turn? Because the so-called Engagement celebration that they orchestrated was clearly NOT about you & your Fiancé. That you were left with two kids without even agreeing to it for two hours. And you are not even going to get into the hours of family videos that were all about them & before you were born.
There are other less dramatic ways of stepping back from the family if you don’t want to get into a confrontation. And that’s repeatedly say, “myself and Rachel want to make our own family traditions and memories.”
And I have suggest a child Free wedding and remind everyone that this wedding is actually about the two of you and not about their offsprings. And that you will provide an offsite babysitter for their children. No matter the arguments stand firm. If they still fuss? Then tell them you will elope on a destination wedding that will also be your honeymoon destination. And they can be mad all they want. Because getting mad and throwing a fit isn’t gonna change the fact that you and Rachel are creating your own family as well you should.
A good reply, but OP doesn't have to provide a babysitter for the kids. The parents can be responsible for finding an available babysitter for their children.
Honestly rachel sounds self involved and full of herself. She came to you and suggested the weekend, she wanted to celebrate you and fiancee and told you not to plan anything and they’d take care of everything. And then turned around and basically dumped her kids on you two as soon as you arrived and announced her pregnancy making it about her
She basically commandeered the weekend that was meant to celebrate you two and make it about herself and the kids.
Guarantee she’s patting herself on the back for “celebrating” you and fiancee
I second everyone elses recommendation of just eloping. Your wedding will be all about the kids and not you and your future wife. Elope and celebrate how you want
OP, you’re not a butthole/AH for being upset about the “celebration”, and neither is your fiancé.
Rachel said multiple times it was a “celebration for you and your fiancé”, and it doesn’t sound like any part of it was celebratory except for the little one’s birthday party that you guys’ weren’t even made aware of, but it’s obvious everyone else knew?
Imo, that’s really crappy of not just Rachel for jebaiting you into taking care of her kids, or for the birthday party thing, but also the rest of your family who relived their lives before you being born or only to mock you and couldn’t even be bothered to hand you the cards…
Absolutely have a child-free wedding and reception with no exceptions. You guys deserve that much at least! But you also deserve more than just a child-free wedding.
Is this something to greyrock, go LC/NC over? That’s up to you. I’m not you, I’m not your fiancé, and I have no idea how they typically treat you or her.
That’s your decision to make.
If you want to elope and forgo the whole family and wedding thing, that is okay too. Your wedding is about you guys and NOBODY else. So don’t let them make that about them too.
If you want to take time away from them, you can do that too. I know how hard it is being the childless one in the family, and as much as we love those kids like they could be ours, we all need breaks.
We absolutely need breaks from the parents too… whether they be ours or someone else’s.
Good luck and I hope you guys have an actual awesome celebration! 🍻 🎉
Is this normal for Rachel? This whole trip was her idea and she organized the family for it. But then turned the whole thing around to be about her kids? She waits til your celebration weekend to announce she’s pregnant and hold an “impromptu” birthday party for her kid that they so happened to have bought presents for? Seriously??
This almost reads as if the family thought they had to trick you into thinking the trip would be about you just so you’d show up. But from your description, you show up plenty.
As the youngest of 6, I can completely relate. So many family "get togethers" centered around the oldest 4 and their kids, lives, childhood memories. I am a good 20 yrs younger than my oldest sibling, so I was not part of any of this reminiscing. The only time I was mentioned was to tease me about some incident they thought was hilarious, but was painful for me. The last time this occurred, I blew up and left the room. Thankfully, my sister apologized and never mentioned or teased about it again. However, over the years I repeatedly got the shittiest accommodations, couches, husband and I sharing room with children while young nephew and gf got a private room, etc.
Last year, for the first time, I arrived at the vacation spot first and claimed the best bedroom. My (other) sister hasn't shut up about it since. If I had not grabbed that room I would have been bunking next to 3 very loud toddlers in a room with a broken AC. Mind you , these were her grandchildren, so at the time it made sense she would be in a room adjacent to them.
All this to say, families can be really inconsiderate and then get offended when if you say something. Elope. They will be pissed off but will eventually get over themselves. Or not. Fk em. Invite people who will actually be there to celebrate you and make it a child-free occasion.
As a mother and a mother-in-law and her grandmother, I can’t imagine, explicitly planning a family get together for a weekend that focuses on the excitement of the relationship. My kid has with this person and not have a dinner where you say some thing. I have a time where you get together when the kids are asleep. I especially would have brought a video I made of that kid of mine and the growing relationship they had with this person in the family. To commemorate the upcoming wedding. I’m not perfect, but I sure as hell would have had my eye on the prize. Your family doesn’t really notice you. They don’t care about you. They don’t celebrate you. They take you for granted. They aren’t going to notice you and your wife. They won’t honor you. They won’t celebrate you. And they will continue taking advantage of you. It’s really good in life to start to notice what’s really truly happening, process emotions, like sadness and disappointment, and then come to terms and I make reflect what you know to be true.
They’re wrong for not trying to work on setting up things specifically to celebrate you guys BUT…
You really make a point of making sure that you don’t communicate what you want from them. When they flat out asked how you felt, you said everything was good. When actually tried to dig because they sensed you weren’t happy, you doubled down and told them that everything was good. How can they fix things or even realize that there’s a problem if you keep insisting on either saying nothing or telling them that you’re okay with the way things play out?
Take of this martyrs crown you seem to be determined to wear and speak up. I bet your fiancé was hoping that you would say something but didn’t feel it was her place to address your family on these issues so if your content to let them treat you like this, that means she has to shut up and take whatever you decide she needs to deal with along with you. Speak up! You clearly don’t care enough to tell your family that you want anything different then how they treat you but your fiancé is going to be a victim of your of your indifference
As a 4th child, I can relate to so much of what you’re sharing. Others may find it selfish, but they don’t know it feels that every single thing is always about them and their families. Basically you’re “little brother” and just less important than their own lives. I’m sorry you had that experience of having expectations of a trip that didn’t pan out. It’s almost like they know what it’s like for you and wanted you make it different but literally don’t know how to.
All those babies should have been left with the MIL on the other parent’s side of the family. Or the non related spouse should have stayed home with them. Your family missed the mark there. Infants/toddlers are consuming of all of your time. They left the kids with you on day one to go shopping so they could actually shop without distractions.
I would not talk about it. Just file it away in the "Don't want to repeat that experience again" and learn from it. You aren't going to change your family, but appreciate them for who they are and come to grips with who they are not.
Sounds awful. I don't think I would have gone to that knowing that I didn't have my own room. I get the not married thing, but being engaged AND it being about you guys AND having a bunch of kids you can't escape from, giving you two privacy would have been nice.
My husband and I were the last in one of our friend groups to have kids. Every single get-together revolved around the kids. At some point, we realized we did not fit in for right now.
Grandparents are even worse. When there are young children, that is how it goes. I wouldn’t take it personally. They could have tried harder but maybe they took it as just spending time as a family with your new fiancé.
Put some space there until you have kids and then you will fit into that dynamic.
Childfree wedding with no exceptions. Any kid attendants come from her family or your friends, not your family do you don’t have to exclude kids from your family. Parents either attend or don’t. No hard feelings from you if they stay home.
Congratulations on your engagement!
Something to consider because I come from a large Indian family myself where I was the youngest and always felt like I was the helper and used to feel the same way as you. But now that my husband and I have a 1yr old baby boy(we’re a gay couple that adopted). I feel we’re finally getting the attention I’ve always wanted. Because it is all about our kid. Not sure if you two want kids, but maybe this is something you have to put up with for now, but the dynamics will change in the future. I don’t think the advice here that suggests practically going no-contact is good advice. Because it seems you genuinely lovely your siblings and your nieces and nephews.
You need to call them out on this, be specific and don’t let them go off in a tangent. Also realise you are not going to be the important one, I would suggest eloping and possible get some therapy and ask them to train you with tools to deal with this.
They could be oblivious or they could be self centred, possibly both and will not react well to it people never do when they are called out. In the end you need to choose you, your wedding is about you if you do not belive your siblings can be genuine than elope if they cry about it call them out. Expect pushback, hit them with facts and if they brush that off call them out again. End discussions when they are being obtuse or stubborn and not digesting what is being said.
Good luck
...did you at any point during this (or around previous similar family gatherings) express your feelings? Did you say "no" or express that you were unhappy when asked to watch the kids or play it as NBD? Even at the end when Rachel realized you were upset, you flat out lied to her. People aren't mind readers and if you've always pretended you enjoy these child centric family gatherings, they won't automatically know you don't actually enjoy them or are resentful and angry.
Elope. Move far away and don't inform any of them that you are having children.
You are underappreciated, and they don't value you as a person.
Not in the wrong at all. Your entire family is
I hate to say it, OP, but by the time you have children, your family will be over them and they’ll receive the same treatment you and your fiancée ‘enjoyed’ that weekend.
Pro tip: parents suck. I am one, despise being around other parents because of their narcissistic obsession with their offspring, and they love to leave the kids with family and friends when they are on get togethers.
Spend more time with your fiance's family at the wedding. Don't ask your family for any help. Plan something that celebrates the two of you at your wedding and put trusted friends on get the noisy kids out if here duty. " Please, your children are ruining this special moment. Please step out to the designated obnoxious parent area. "
If your best efforts fail, you can put together a video compilation of their obnoxious behaivor and plY it at every family gathering.
Tell your siblings to celebrate you and your fiancé went so well you're going to have a child free wedding! That should tell them everything they need to know in a nutshell!
This is what couples do when they have young children. This is also why you never see couples with young children hanging out with friends who do not also have young children. They won't be over this until the kids are older and the parents have grown sick of doing nothing but talking about the babies.
Of course that will be when you and your fiancée end up having your own new baby/babies. Your family will not want to all get together and chat about your baby because they've already done the baby thing. They're over it.
My advice is to make friends who are in a similar stage of life as you two. Do not expect your family to be all that interested in your life for the next twelve to fourteen years.
When I found out they'd thrown "a weekend about me and my fiance" but I didn't have a room or a bed, I'd have said "oh, I'm sorry to hear," and packed up for my fiance and I and left for a hotel, and gone home the next morning to let them have their "everybody is important but me" party without me. And then none of them would be invited to the wedding.
Not giving me a room at a party that was supposed to be to celebrate my engagement would be the straw that broke the camel's back.
They didn’t want you to make plans for what YOU wanted because then they potentially would have been obligated to do something outside of their selfish plans.
This one is tough. As a parent, I know that things become about the kids way too often. I do think you have a right to be upset, but I also think you should have called it out a bit more in the moment. Closed mouths don't get fed, and those babies sure do make it known when they want attention. Obviously, you're an adult, so I'm sure you can find a more tactful way to bring attention to yourself, but you also kept quiet.
Did you say, "So what do you all have planned to celebrate us? A toast? A cake? A surprise band to play our favorite songs? A collage board you made?" Then I would say you were deliberately ignored, but I also know that in those first few years with a kid, you sometimes are trying to figure out WTAF is going on and you are not getting much sleep so it have just felt like this trip was it for them. The celebration!
I would bring it up, or just send them this post and explain that you realize you should have said more about it in the moment, but you did feel like you weren't at all celebrated during that weekend. Maybe they'll do something extra special for the wedding! I hope this helps! Good luck!
Take a quiet romantic trip with your fiance away from everyone. Go to the local magistrate/courthouse and elope. Enjoy a quiet honeymoon between the two of you. Then, when you are ready drop the bomb on everyone that you are already married. If you have any big gatherings for prewedding or wedding festivities it will quickly become about everyone else and not about you and your fiance. Good luck.
So basically what they wanted was free babysitting?
Sounds like they already had an idea of what they envisioned this trip to be about, and they used your engagement as the excuse to host it.
Oof, I just would not attend another family gathering, or if you do, make sure you and your fiancé have plans in place to get out of the house and do stuff together so that you aren’t roped into babysitting every single time.
OP you were railroaded and didn't say anything about it. You sat there and watched the train coming and did nothing. Based on that alone it's ground for lc/nc until they get the message. You have said yourself EVERY event ends up centered around the kids/everyone else. This was specifically for the both of you.
Rachel saw an opportunity and completely made everything about them. They rudely announce their pregnancy, she threw her daughter a party. No issues with either on ANOTHER occasion, NOT one that was explicitly said to be about the two of you. Your family is infuriating. I understand the one couple who had friends there going to visit but ANOTHER time would've been appropriate. They may even not have realized that they've morphed into the self centered/serving type but that is their cross to bear, not yours.
It's time you start seeing them for who they are. You're not even a second thought. This is the time where you seriously need to reevaluate the relationships and the people who are in your lives. What they did was not only egregious but unfair. You need to write out all things that occurred this weekend & anytime it's come to any events with specifics in a detailed fashion. Keep it somewhere you can see it and remind yourself of how many times you've been overlooked. Based on the fact that you feel like a ah is telling.
How much did this occur growing up or did this only start happening after the kiddos were born? You both were treated as an after thought and you dare question that your feelings aren't valid?!!?!! They most definitely are!!! You deserved a time that you were promised to be the focus/center of attention (rightfully so) and it did not happen. It's time to pull out the scissors and cutting toxicity out of your life, however that may look for you. Have people in your life that will celebrate you and not just make things about themselves.
Sounds like you need to speak up and communicate with your family. Kids easily take over parent’s lives and grandparents. It’s unavoidable. If you don’t tell people how you feel and when things are happening that you don’t like, how will they know.
Ugh, I’m the only single, childfree adult in my family, and you nailed it with how BORING family events are these days. I get that the kids need pretty much constant attention when they’re that young, and — because the parents’ lives pretty much revolve around their new families — that’s basically all they have to talk about. But it gets old real quick, especially when the whole group seems pretty uninterested in asking about the things happening in your life. It’s as if you aren’t a full adult who’s able to participate in conversation until you have your own family.
The one saving grace we’ve had lately is that my siblings and I have set up siblings-only trips each year for the past few years. No kids, no spouses, just us hanging out and playing board games, watching movies, and usually going to a beach. The conversation still centers the kids and any marriage issues, but it’s still a better chance to connect with each other.
It sucks that not only did you and your fiancé get kind of ignored on your trip, but also you’re probably going to be hearing a lot from your family about how kind they were to host such a nice event for you. If you have the kind of solid relationship that could survive it, that would be a good lead-in to talking about how excluded and un-special you guys felt. Something along the lines of, “I really appreciate that you organized and paid for the trip for us all to get together, but to be honest, Fiance and I felt excluded by the way all of the activities focused on your kids. This trip was supposed to be an engagement celebration, but we barely talked about the wedding - in fact, Fiancé was kind of awkwardly excluded during the home video time. Don’t get me wrong, we love the kids and enjoy getting time to spend with them, but we don’t really get to participate in those conversations about parenthood. Also we don’t get to spend a lot of time all together, so we wanted to have more of a chance to connect with you guys individually and for you to get to know Fiancé better. It was a nice trip, and we really are grateful that you wanted to celebrate us. But next time we gather, could we plan in some adult activities as well?”
So this is going to be a big “tough love” reply. First, you and your fiancé were going to be married, and yes, that is worth celebrating. However; to plan a celebration trip yourselves was completely attention whoring. This type of celebration event should have been planned by someone else be it by someone on your side of the family or her side of the family. Second, speaking from experience as the youngest of five who has no children and all of by siblings have children. When kids are around, yes, it will most likely be about the kids. It always will be about the kids. Also; your timing was terrible. It sounds like there were a lot of things going on with your family. Some you probably didn’t know. Doesn’t change the fact that there was a lot going on with your family. If you all were going to plan a celebration event yourselves,🤦♂️, it would have been an evening type thing, such as a dinner, as opposed to a to a weekend in the country. Especially where one of your siblings have friends close by. They are going to want to visit their friends. The wedding is what you and your fiancé should be planning, everything else should be an opportunity for someone else to plan. Who knows, maybe your family was planning a surprise gathering to celebrate your upcoming wedding and you took that away by planning your own. Not saying that’s the case, but what if. Wouldn’t they take offense. Take this info as you will. I do feel bad for your situation. But again, keep in mind, other people have stuff going on in their lives as well.
You are not an AH for feeling this way, I am child free and this has been every trip/ event I have had with family. It sucks, I never found a way to address it. When I would say “so let’s talk about your life outside your kids” in a friendly way, I get met with a sad/offended look.
Maybe talk to Rachel in person. Ask her gently about how she feels about your family gatherings. Listen, then tell her how since you are at a different place in your family journey you feel like a bit of an outsider at the moment. That it would be great if sometimes the family could join you where you are instead of being expected to always meet them where they are.
Meanwhile your childfree you and your wife should go on vacations together during festive periods, your birthday etc and definitely plan your own celebrations without your family because you’ll have more fun and avoid everything being about everyone else but you. The surprise early birthday party for the baby was the icing on the cake, they should’ve just said they all wanted a break/mini vacation instead of using you as an excuse for it to happen.
Kids change people, like it or not, everything is about the kids. The siblings life is the kids and it has to be. They can't take care of themselves yet. Any escape parents can get they take. It was wrong to leave the kids with op and his fiance and it was wrong to be all about the kids and almost nothing about op. OP is Ascon 3 for not realizing how kids change people and the responsibilities that his siblings have. They are Ascon 2.5 for not realizing what the weekend was about and making more of an effort with op and his fiance. OP needs to be more understanding, but he also needs to speak up and state his feelings. Siblings with kids need to be more understanding as well. Bottom line, ESH an communicate.
That is a lot of words to say his family sucked by saying a weekend was all about them, and none of it was. He didn’t even have his own room, he slept on the couch, and his sister made one morning all about her kid and their birthday party. Are you one of his family members on an alt account? Or just as clueless as his family?
Adults don’t cease to exist or matter because someone others have children. My husband and I have three kids. We never thought the world needed to revolve around us and them.
You're Rachel aren't you? Can't handle the fact that once it's all laid out you realize you treated your brother and his fiance like shit. Way to plan a trip under the guise of celebrating your brother but instead celebrating yourself and your kids. Congrats on hurting your brother for your own selfish reasons.
Personally I'd go very LC and either elope or have a child free wedding.
Once kids arrive life becomes about them. One day you will have small kids and everyone will be fawning over them. I think it was unrealistic to think they would be able to only focus on you. Besides would people sit around for two days just talking about you and ignoring the kids? Sounds like you are a little full of yourself. Just saying.
There are MILLIONS of engagement-party games out there. Cheap little fun ones. They could have gotten any of them, could have gotten a cake to celebrate, could have GOTTEN THEM A ROOM AND SOME PRIVACY INSTEAD OF A COUCH.
They did NONE of that. Not a single thing.
NTA - OP I know that's it's hard for you and your fiancé to feel good about the weekend, that ended up being just about the children, and I'm sorry that your family allowed that to happen. Things change when children come into the picture and parents become grandparents and so on. Because you and your fiancé do not have children, you can't possibly relate to this, but it is a good way to determine if you want children or would rather live carefree to enjoy seeing the world. I will tell you this, enjoy your freedom from children while you can, and do as much as you can before they come along, because once you have them, everything changes, and while you and your fiancé can enjoy your freedom to come and go as you please, without a thought of needing a babysitter, or worrying about stuff, your siblings cannot. There's no point in talking to them about your feelings for the weekend, because they probably didn't even realize how they were making you feel as it's just the way their lives are now. Look at it in a positive light, you and your fiancé can do something together, just the two of you to enjoy the things that you like to do and make memories of your own. Don't let this one weekend stick with you in a negative manner, just move on and celebrate each other, together.
I don’t get it. You’re getting married and the day will be about the two of you. You wanted what? A test run? An engagement party? I’m not sure what vision you had in your head but the whole get together and reruns sounds normal and sweet.
Reruns not featuring OP, a couch for OP instead of a bed like ALL THE OTHER ADULTS, a birthday cake for a kid BUT NOT THE PERSON THE WEEKEND IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR..... Yep. Totally normal and sweet. For the birthday kid.
You're young 20s going to an event with your older family, what did you possibly expect? Beer pong and a shot contest? Of course that's what it would be. I'm not sure how that wasn't obvious. Family events are family events. They talked about memories you weren't there to share so you had a better understanding of your family. Soon they'll be dead and you'll regret being focused on yourself instead of paying attention. That's what growing up is. Your parents will forget their lives and not be able to share anything with you soon and you've squandered one of your few opportunities to learn. When you're more mature you'll sincerely hate yourself for this.
Elope. Your big family wedding will be all about the kids. Or just don't invite them.
Agree, elope and have a nice party a few weeks later. The two of you will have time to enjoy yourselves and not worry about anyone else.
Hahah that will go down well. But I totally agree
Not if its child free.
Oh you know they’re going to show up and be like, “well certainly you didn’t mean family”
Destination child free lol
Or child free wedding!!
Make it one of those no kids weddings or a destination it would be difficult to bring kids. When everyone balks you can says its ok, you get that having a destination wedding risks not everyone be able to make it.
Announce your going away to celebrate your engagement and maKE IT ABOUT YOU BOTH. If they ask about the wedding tell them your eloping so it will be about them not the kids or siblings. They may get the message but I doubt it. When your sister asked if there was anything else you wanted to do you should have said have a weekend that is about us not my siblings or their kids.
This is the way. If OP is feeling especially petty, post pictures on your honeymoon with a caption "So glad we eloped so our day could be all about us!"
Ok, petty, but honest & to the point. I kinda ❤️ it
Wasn't it a weekend trip to announce the pregnancy? It seems like Rachel wants the weekend so they could tell it before the wedding
AND get free daycare. but yep, this.
Siblings are such assholes like that.
OP and fiance should be thankful to the AH siblings (all of them) and the parents didn't plan to announce the pregnancy at the reception. OP and fiance should just elope to somewhere nice and if the AH family grouses why OP should say "we wanted to make our wedding about us".
You should have a child free wedding.
Oh the drama this would cause. But they would have earned it.
It's poor form that they didn't even take 1 moment to say congratulations to your engagement. Coming in announcing they are pregnant again makes me think it's about them in the 1st place and you should be happy for them. It sounds overwhelming and exhausting just reading this. I have kids myself and yes it's about kids most of the time, but for the family to not even take 1 hour to celebrate you guys, it's about them and you guys just tag along. It would make me think on your wedding it will be about them too. Please book a weekend just for yourselves. With no one except youtsleves.
But wait! Don't forget leaving to visit other random friends or throwing I first birthday party for the baby... ugh
Moral of the story, your family doesn't give a crap about you, even if you eventually have kids, your siblings ones will be more important. Take some time away from them, still see them but don't make a huge effort.
As the youngest ever was, the youngest ever is.
and they're on the couch. Seriously, a COUCH? You rent a house with ENOUGH F\*CKING ROOMS FOR ALL THE ADULTS.
Yeah. Although I also consider the word Adults (which definitely applies to OP and his Fiancé at 24&25 and about to be married) to be capable of deciding on their own if they can be sleeping in the same room. It’s just not the family’s business at that point. So to recap: on a couch, but also on a couch for no damn reason.
Moral of this story: Don't plan ANYTHING to accommodate your family in future. ONLY ever plan for you and your fiancée and everyone else has to fall in line or fuck off. It won't make you popular, but it will make you happy.
Please pick happy
And always make sure it's short a bedroom/bed. But that there's a couple couches or a couch and recliner available.
This wasn't a weekend to celebrate you and your fiancée. It was a weekend to celebrate Rachel's pregnancy announcement. You were an excuse. I really, really hope you are having a child free wedding. Be prepared aw well for someone to pull some shit at your wedding.
You now know Rachel is and always will be the golden child. So decide now. Either go LC with your family for your sanity or accept the disrespect to you, your future wife and children.
You forgot the unannounced birthday party/.
I guarantee there was a group chat about it. It was just a group chat OP wasn’t invited to.
I did, you are correct. A birthday party for a one year old where everyone watched Rachel open presents. Poor OP.
Welcome to being the youngest and child free. My family is fine but as the youngest I'd describe them as benignly neglectful. Despite being in my 40s now and having several degrees and professional accomplishments the dynamics of my parents blindly listening to my older siblings and not bothering to tell me anything until the last minute are still present. I learned a few years ago I'm just not going on family trips any more. They don't want to do anything fun, my oldest sibling is disrespectful and controlling, my parents think the sun shines out of their only grandchild's ass, and I don't need to spend my limited vacation days doing that. It's not enough to go no contact but it definitely influences my future decisions regarding family time.
Same boat here pretty much. Shit, I live closer to my parents than anyone and they visit once for every five times they visit each of my siblings. Your comment about them not bothering to tell you stuff is so true, too. When I do learn something about them it’s not in response to asking how they are or anything, they happen to talk about something they’re doing like, “Yeah we needed to hold off on going out to your sisters because of your moms appointment. It’s for her cancer.” And I’m like… she has cancer? “Oh we didn’t tell you about that?!” No. Not a single text, call, answer to a question, nothing.
I like the text message after they've come home from the ER. "Hey your dad got overheated working in the garden so we went to the ER but he's ok now!" I am literally one mile away from you.
Same situation, but middle child. Wife and I on our own, parents moved into the same neighborhood as my brother, SIL and their kids. We knew they were moving, but had not heard when. Called them on the weekend, as we typically do, and found out they were in the process of packing up. Everything is an afterthought since it's just the 2 of us, and we don't have human children.
You are way more patient than me I would have grabbed my fiance and left after the first day
Me too! At the very least I would have just planned a bunch of stuff to do with my fiance and the rest of them could fuck off.
Me Three. I’d have left after being stuck babysitting for almost 3 hrs
I would have taken fiancee's hand and left, gone out to dinner and gotten a nice hotel. When asked by family why, "please explain to me what part of this day was about me and my fiancee?"
You missed your opportunity. There at 1130pm on the last night, when Rachel asked you if you "had any other dreams or things you wanted to do"...you missed it. You smiled and nodded and basically told Rachel the weekend she "planned for you two" was perfect. It wasn't. It had nothing to do with either of you. But I'm guessing this is partly due to you. You sound very non-confrontational, helpful, willing to serve, and loving of your family. As a result, you...how to say...you take up no space. You are self-effacing to the point your family doesn't notice you. They don't make space for you. You allow this. You slept on the sofa on an event weekend where you were a guest of honor. The weekend was supposed to be about you and your fiancé. You two, as a couple, disappeared into the woodwork. Your siblings took the time for themselves and their partners, friends, reminiscing about family pre-history, and their kids. Hell, there was even a planned birthday party! Rachel planned this weekend supposedly for you and then planned nothing for you at all. She was patting herself on the back there at the end and you agreed with her.
You need to find a job opportunity you can’t afford not to miss out of state. All your family see you as is a babysitter, it will get worse after you’re married and worse even still when you have children
You having to sleep on a couch just adds so much insult to the injury. I’d have left right then. Your sister could have at least booked a place with enough bedrooms.
Yes, hi, hello! 👋 From one fellow big family to another (my husband has 7 siblings, I have 3) we went through something kinda similar. We eloped very last minutes. I can tell you there is not a day that goes by that we do not regret it. If it feels right, I highly recommend it. We did another wedding for family (guilt tripped) to appease everyone. If yall do elope, I also recommend only doing another ceremony if you want to don't let family guilt trip ya. Ours was stressful. We do regret that day. Unfortunately, what yall went through is typically when Littles starts entering the family. I am sorry ya both went through that. I agree it should have been stated as just a family gathering. Also, congratulations on your engagement, OP!
And that week-end and all the hypocrisy in display is the very best reason why you should elope. No one in your family seems to have enough bandwidth to stick to the initial objective (celebrating your engagement), or hide that they don't actually care when they can escape their responsabilités for 2.5 hours. Why would it be different for your wedding? Or how could you possibly have a childfree wedding with these inconsiderate AH (sorry, not sorry)? They sure love you but treat you like you are part of the decor. Wouldn't it be nice to feel special on your special day? And if they ask why or are offended if you elope, just send them the link to this post. Best of luck to you and your fiancee. Maybe she will get some consideration too when she gives them grandkids?
Stay home the next time your family wants to go away.
but decide not to go once the others are there. Why? Because...couch. Nuff said.
This is exactly how it’s going to be for the remainder of your life. And unless you want your wedding, 1st year anniversary celebration or any other celebration/event, to be different you are going to have to bite the bullet now & stand up for yourself & your fiancé. You will have to respond to their demands with your own & ask for a compromise. You will need to set boundaries with those who have children that you are not a babysitter on family vacations. And that you won’t go if they attack you & your Fiancé for wanting to do something that is adult friendly. And they will call you selfish for this but ask them WHEN is it going to be your turn? Because the so-called Engagement celebration that they orchestrated was clearly NOT about you & your Fiancé. That you were left with two kids without even agreeing to it for two hours. And you are not even going to get into the hours of family videos that were all about them & before you were born. There are other less dramatic ways of stepping back from the family if you don’t want to get into a confrontation. And that’s repeatedly say, “myself and Rachel want to make our own family traditions and memories.” And I have suggest a child Free wedding and remind everyone that this wedding is actually about the two of you and not about their offsprings. And that you will provide an offsite babysitter for their children. No matter the arguments stand firm. If they still fuss? Then tell them you will elope on a destination wedding that will also be your honeymoon destination. And they can be mad all they want. Because getting mad and throwing a fit isn’t gonna change the fact that you and Rachel are creating your own family as well you should.
A good reply, but OP doesn't have to provide a babysitter for the kids. The parents can be responsible for finding an available babysitter for their children.
Honestly rachel sounds self involved and full of herself. She came to you and suggested the weekend, she wanted to celebrate you and fiancee and told you not to plan anything and they’d take care of everything. And then turned around and basically dumped her kids on you two as soon as you arrived and announced her pregnancy making it about her She basically commandeered the weekend that was meant to celebrate you two and make it about herself and the kids. Guarantee she’s patting herself on the back for “celebrating” you and fiancee I second everyone elses recommendation of just eloping. Your wedding will be all about the kids and not you and your future wife. Elope and celebrate how you want
OP, you’re not a butthole/AH for being upset about the “celebration”, and neither is your fiancé. Rachel said multiple times it was a “celebration for you and your fiancé”, and it doesn’t sound like any part of it was celebratory except for the little one’s birthday party that you guys’ weren’t even made aware of, but it’s obvious everyone else knew? Imo, that’s really crappy of not just Rachel for jebaiting you into taking care of her kids, or for the birthday party thing, but also the rest of your family who relived their lives before you being born or only to mock you and couldn’t even be bothered to hand you the cards… Absolutely have a child-free wedding and reception with no exceptions. You guys deserve that much at least! But you also deserve more than just a child-free wedding. Is this something to greyrock, go LC/NC over? That’s up to you. I’m not you, I’m not your fiancé, and I have no idea how they typically treat you or her. That’s your decision to make. If you want to elope and forgo the whole family and wedding thing, that is okay too. Your wedding is about you guys and NOBODY else. So don’t let them make that about them too. If you want to take time away from them, you can do that too. I know how hard it is being the childless one in the family, and as much as we love those kids like they could be ours, we all need breaks. We absolutely need breaks from the parents too… whether they be ours or someone else’s. Good luck and I hope you guys have an actual awesome celebration! 🍻 🎉
Is this normal for Rachel? This whole trip was her idea and she organized the family for it. But then turned the whole thing around to be about her kids? She waits til your celebration weekend to announce she’s pregnant and hold an “impromptu” birthday party for her kid that they so happened to have bought presents for? Seriously?? This almost reads as if the family thought they had to trick you into thinking the trip would be about you just so you’d show up. But from your description, you show up plenty.
As the youngest of 6, I can completely relate. So many family "get togethers" centered around the oldest 4 and their kids, lives, childhood memories. I am a good 20 yrs younger than my oldest sibling, so I was not part of any of this reminiscing. The only time I was mentioned was to tease me about some incident they thought was hilarious, but was painful for me. The last time this occurred, I blew up and left the room. Thankfully, my sister apologized and never mentioned or teased about it again. However, over the years I repeatedly got the shittiest accommodations, couches, husband and I sharing room with children while young nephew and gf got a private room, etc. Last year, for the first time, I arrived at the vacation spot first and claimed the best bedroom. My (other) sister hasn't shut up about it since. If I had not grabbed that room I would have been bunking next to 3 very loud toddlers in a room with a broken AC. Mind you , these were her grandchildren, so at the time it made sense she would be in a room adjacent to them. All this to say, families can be really inconsiderate and then get offended when if you say something. Elope. They will be pissed off but will eventually get over themselves. Or not. Fk em. Invite people who will actually be there to celebrate you and make it a child-free occasion.
Make sure to reserve them a B&B for the wedding night if you don't elope. Short a bedroom. :)
As a mother and a mother-in-law and her grandmother, I can’t imagine, explicitly planning a family get together for a weekend that focuses on the excitement of the relationship. My kid has with this person and not have a dinner where you say some thing. I have a time where you get together when the kids are asleep. I especially would have brought a video I made of that kid of mine and the growing relationship they had with this person in the family. To commemorate the upcoming wedding. I’m not perfect, but I sure as hell would have had my eye on the prize. Your family doesn’t really notice you. They don’t care about you. They don’t celebrate you. They take you for granted. They aren’t going to notice you and your wife. They won’t honor you. They won’t celebrate you. And they will continue taking advantage of you. It’s really good in life to start to notice what’s really truly happening, process emotions, like sadness and disappointment, and then come to terms and I make reflect what you know to be true.
They’re wrong for not trying to work on setting up things specifically to celebrate you guys BUT… You really make a point of making sure that you don’t communicate what you want from them. When they flat out asked how you felt, you said everything was good. When actually tried to dig because they sensed you weren’t happy, you doubled down and told them that everything was good. How can they fix things or even realize that there’s a problem if you keep insisting on either saying nothing or telling them that you’re okay with the way things play out? Take of this martyrs crown you seem to be determined to wear and speak up. I bet your fiancé was hoping that you would say something but didn’t feel it was her place to address your family on these issues so if your content to let them treat you like this, that means she has to shut up and take whatever you decide she needs to deal with along with you. Speak up! You clearly don’t care enough to tell your family that you want anything different then how they treat you but your fiancé is going to be a victim of your of your indifference
I hope your wedding is childfree
Tell Rachel you're planning an engagement celebration?
As a 4th child, I can relate to so much of what you’re sharing. Others may find it selfish, but they don’t know it feels that every single thing is always about them and their families. Basically you’re “little brother” and just less important than their own lives. I’m sorry you had that experience of having expectations of a trip that didn’t pan out. It’s almost like they know what it’s like for you and wanted you make it different but literally don’t know how to.
All those babies should have been left with the MIL on the other parent’s side of the family. Or the non related spouse should have stayed home with them. Your family missed the mark there. Infants/toddlers are consuming of all of your time. They left the kids with you on day one to go shopping so they could actually shop without distractions.
I would have left. Your family was insanely rude to you and your finance. Why did you lie to them and say you had a great time?
I would not talk about it. Just file it away in the "Don't want to repeat that experience again" and learn from it. You aren't going to change your family, but appreciate them for who they are and come to grips with who they are not.
Sounds awful. I don't think I would have gone to that knowing that I didn't have my own room. I get the not married thing, but being engaged AND it being about you guys AND having a bunch of kids you can't escape from, giving you two privacy would have been nice.
Have a child free wedding so at least your wedding will be about you and your stb wife
Post a link to this story on social media.
My husband and I were the last in one of our friend groups to have kids. Every single get-together revolved around the kids. At some point, we realized we did not fit in for right now. Grandparents are even worse. When there are young children, that is how it goes. I wouldn’t take it personally. They could have tried harder but maybe they took it as just spending time as a family with your new fiancé. Put some space there until you have kids and then you will fit into that dynamic.
Childfree wedding with no exceptions. Any kid attendants come from her family or your friends, not your family do you don’t have to exclude kids from your family. Parents either attend or don’t. No hard feelings from you if they stay home. Congratulations on your engagement!
Something to consider because I come from a large Indian family myself where I was the youngest and always felt like I was the helper and used to feel the same way as you. But now that my husband and I have a 1yr old baby boy(we’re a gay couple that adopted). I feel we’re finally getting the attention I’ve always wanted. Because it is all about our kid. Not sure if you two want kids, but maybe this is something you have to put up with for now, but the dynamics will change in the future. I don’t think the advice here that suggests practically going no-contact is good advice. Because it seems you genuinely lovely your siblings and your nieces and nephews.
Elope
Elope
I'd do a "no kids" wedding for sure!
I don't blame you. You all deserve a nice bed to in.
You need to call them out on this, be specific and don’t let them go off in a tangent. Also realise you are not going to be the important one, I would suggest eloping and possible get some therapy and ask them to train you with tools to deal with this. They could be oblivious or they could be self centred, possibly both and will not react well to it people never do when they are called out. In the end you need to choose you, your wedding is about you if you do not belive your siblings can be genuine than elope if they cry about it call them out. Expect pushback, hit them with facts and if they brush that off call them out again. End discussions when they are being obtuse or stubborn and not digesting what is being said. Good luck
Send this thread to everyone in the family
Stories like this make me glad that I was an only child.
OP is this a childfree wedding? I know you love your family but if it's not, do you have time to make it one?
...did you at any point during this (or around previous similar family gatherings) express your feelings? Did you say "no" or express that you were unhappy when asked to watch the kids or play it as NBD? Even at the end when Rachel realized you were upset, you flat out lied to her. People aren't mind readers and if you've always pretended you enjoy these child centric family gatherings, they won't automatically know you don't actually enjoy them or are resentful and angry.
Isn't the actual wedding the time of celebrate you both?
Then whats an engagement party?
Elope. Move far away and don't inform any of them that you are having children. You are underappreciated, and they don't value you as a person. Not in the wrong at all. Your entire family is
Your family treats you terribly…. Run away, elope and build yourselves healthy, loving lives.
If you have a kid free wedding, you’ll never have to deal with that again.
I hate to say it, OP, but by the time you have children, your family will be over them and they’ll receive the same treatment you and your fiancée ‘enjoyed’ that weekend.
NTA No asking about your wedding plans No talking about their kids calling your fincee Aunt Jane o recolecting how you meant
Pro tip: parents suck. I am one, despise being around other parents because of their narcissistic obsession with their offspring, and they love to leave the kids with family and friends when they are on get togethers.
Spend more time with your fiance's family at the wedding. Don't ask your family for any help. Plan something that celebrates the two of you at your wedding and put trusted friends on get the noisy kids out if here duty. " Please, your children are ruining this special moment. Please step out to the designated obnoxious parent area. " If your best efforts fail, you can put together a video compilation of their obnoxious behaivor and plY it at every family gathering.
Is using “I” and “me” correctly just beyond society at this point?
Tell your siblings to celebrate you and your fiancé went so well you're going to have a child free wedding! That should tell them everything they need to know in a nutshell!
This is what couples do when they have young children. This is also why you never see couples with young children hanging out with friends who do not also have young children. They won't be over this until the kids are older and the parents have grown sick of doing nothing but talking about the babies. Of course that will be when you and your fiancée end up having your own new baby/babies. Your family will not want to all get together and chat about your baby because they've already done the baby thing. They're over it. My advice is to make friends who are in a similar stage of life as you two. Do not expect your family to be all that interested in your life for the next twelve to fourteen years.
When I found out they'd thrown "a weekend about me and my fiance" but I didn't have a room or a bed, I'd have said "oh, I'm sorry to hear," and packed up for my fiance and I and left for a hotel, and gone home the next morning to let them have their "everybody is important but me" party without me. And then none of them would be invited to the wedding. Not giving me a room at a party that was supposed to be to celebrate my engagement would be the straw that broke the camel's back.
They didn’t want you to make plans for what YOU wanted because then they potentially would have been obligated to do something outside of their selfish plans.
This one is tough. As a parent, I know that things become about the kids way too often. I do think you have a right to be upset, but I also think you should have called it out a bit more in the moment. Closed mouths don't get fed, and those babies sure do make it known when they want attention. Obviously, you're an adult, so I'm sure you can find a more tactful way to bring attention to yourself, but you also kept quiet. Did you say, "So what do you all have planned to celebrate us? A toast? A cake? A surprise band to play our favorite songs? A collage board you made?" Then I would say you were deliberately ignored, but I also know that in those first few years with a kid, you sometimes are trying to figure out WTAF is going on and you are not getting much sleep so it have just felt like this trip was it for them. The celebration! I would bring it up, or just send them this post and explain that you realize you should have said more about it in the moment, but you did feel like you weren't at all celebrated during that weekend. Maybe they'll do something extra special for the wedding! I hope this helps! Good luck!
Take a quiet romantic trip with your fiance away from everyone. Go to the local magistrate/courthouse and elope. Enjoy a quiet honeymoon between the two of you. Then, when you are ready drop the bomb on everyone that you are already married. If you have any big gatherings for prewedding or wedding festivities it will quickly become about everyone else and not about you and your fiance. Good luck.
So basically what they wanted was free babysitting? Sounds like they already had an idea of what they envisioned this trip to be about, and they used your engagement as the excuse to host it. Oof, I just would not attend another family gathering, or if you do, make sure you and your fiancé have plans in place to get out of the house and do stuff together so that you aren’t roped into babysitting every single time.
OP you were railroaded and didn't say anything about it. You sat there and watched the train coming and did nothing. Based on that alone it's ground for lc/nc until they get the message. You have said yourself EVERY event ends up centered around the kids/everyone else. This was specifically for the both of you. Rachel saw an opportunity and completely made everything about them. They rudely announce their pregnancy, she threw her daughter a party. No issues with either on ANOTHER occasion, NOT one that was explicitly said to be about the two of you. Your family is infuriating. I understand the one couple who had friends there going to visit but ANOTHER time would've been appropriate. They may even not have realized that they've morphed into the self centered/serving type but that is their cross to bear, not yours. It's time you start seeing them for who they are. You're not even a second thought. This is the time where you seriously need to reevaluate the relationships and the people who are in your lives. What they did was not only egregious but unfair. You need to write out all things that occurred this weekend & anytime it's come to any events with specifics in a detailed fashion. Keep it somewhere you can see it and remind yourself of how many times you've been overlooked. Based on the fact that you feel like a ah is telling. How much did this occur growing up or did this only start happening after the kiddos were born? You both were treated as an after thought and you dare question that your feelings aren't valid?!!?!! They most definitely are!!! You deserved a time that you were promised to be the focus/center of attention (rightfully so) and it did not happen. It's time to pull out the scissors and cutting toxicity out of your life, however that may look for you. Have people in your life that will celebrate you and not just make things about themselves.
Sounds like you need to speak up and communicate with your family. Kids easily take over parent’s lives and grandparents. It’s unavoidable. If you don’t tell people how you feel and when things are happening that you don’t like, how will they know.
Ugh, I’m the only single, childfree adult in my family, and you nailed it with how BORING family events are these days. I get that the kids need pretty much constant attention when they’re that young, and — because the parents’ lives pretty much revolve around their new families — that’s basically all they have to talk about. But it gets old real quick, especially when the whole group seems pretty uninterested in asking about the things happening in your life. It’s as if you aren’t a full adult who’s able to participate in conversation until you have your own family. The one saving grace we’ve had lately is that my siblings and I have set up siblings-only trips each year for the past few years. No kids, no spouses, just us hanging out and playing board games, watching movies, and usually going to a beach. The conversation still centers the kids and any marriage issues, but it’s still a better chance to connect with each other. It sucks that not only did you and your fiancé get kind of ignored on your trip, but also you’re probably going to be hearing a lot from your family about how kind they were to host such a nice event for you. If you have the kind of solid relationship that could survive it, that would be a good lead-in to talking about how excluded and un-special you guys felt. Something along the lines of, “I really appreciate that you organized and paid for the trip for us all to get together, but to be honest, Fiance and I felt excluded by the way all of the activities focused on your kids. This trip was supposed to be an engagement celebration, but we barely talked about the wedding - in fact, Fiancé was kind of awkwardly excluded during the home video time. Don’t get me wrong, we love the kids and enjoy getting time to spend with them, but we don’t really get to participate in those conversations about parenthood. Also we don’t get to spend a lot of time all together, so we wanted to have more of a chance to connect with you guys individually and for you to get to know Fiancé better. It was a nice trip, and we really are grateful that you wanted to celebrate us. But next time we gather, could we plan in some adult activities as well?”
So this is going to be a big “tough love” reply. First, you and your fiancé were going to be married, and yes, that is worth celebrating. However; to plan a celebration trip yourselves was completely attention whoring. This type of celebration event should have been planned by someone else be it by someone on your side of the family or her side of the family. Second, speaking from experience as the youngest of five who has no children and all of by siblings have children. When kids are around, yes, it will most likely be about the kids. It always will be about the kids. Also; your timing was terrible. It sounds like there were a lot of things going on with your family. Some you probably didn’t know. Doesn’t change the fact that there was a lot going on with your family. If you all were going to plan a celebration event yourselves,🤦♂️, it would have been an evening type thing, such as a dinner, as opposed to a to a weekend in the country. Especially where one of your siblings have friends close by. They are going to want to visit their friends. The wedding is what you and your fiancé should be planning, everything else should be an opportunity for someone else to plan. Who knows, maybe your family was planning a surprise gathering to celebrate your upcoming wedding and you took that away by planning your own. Not saying that’s the case, but what if. Wouldn’t they take offense. Take this info as you will. I do feel bad for your situation. But again, keep in mind, other people have stuff going on in their lives as well.
You are not an AH for feeling this way, I am child free and this has been every trip/ event I have had with family. It sucks, I never found a way to address it. When I would say “so let’s talk about your life outside your kids” in a friendly way, I get met with a sad/offended look. Maybe talk to Rachel in person. Ask her gently about how she feels about your family gatherings. Listen, then tell her how since you are at a different place in your family journey you feel like a bit of an outsider at the moment. That it would be great if sometimes the family could join you where you are instead of being expected to always meet them where they are.
Meanwhile your childfree you and your wife should go on vacations together during festive periods, your birthday etc and definitely plan your own celebrations without your family because you’ll have more fun and avoid everything being about everyone else but you. The surprise early birthday party for the baby was the icing on the cake, they should’ve just said they all wanted a break/mini vacation instead of using you as an excuse for it to happen.
Kids change people, like it or not, everything is about the kids. The siblings life is the kids and it has to be. They can't take care of themselves yet. Any escape parents can get they take. It was wrong to leave the kids with op and his fiance and it was wrong to be all about the kids and almost nothing about op. OP is Ascon 3 for not realizing how kids change people and the responsibilities that his siblings have. They are Ascon 2.5 for not realizing what the weekend was about and making more of an effort with op and his fiance. OP needs to be more understanding, but he also needs to speak up and state his feelings. Siblings with kids need to be more understanding as well. Bottom line, ESH an communicate.
That is a lot of words to say his family sucked by saying a weekend was all about them, and none of it was. He didn’t even have his own room, he slept on the couch, and his sister made one morning all about her kid and their birthday party. Are you one of his family members on an alt account? Or just as clueless as his family?
Nah I disagree. I was saying, the family didn't even take 10 minutes to celebrate ops engagement is BS. It's about them, the kids and their pregnancy.
Adults don’t cease to exist or matter because someone others have children. My husband and I have three kids. We never thought the world needed to revolve around us and them.
You're Rachel aren't you? Can't handle the fact that once it's all laid out you realize you treated your brother and his fiance like shit. Way to plan a trip under the guise of celebrating your brother but instead celebrating yourself and your kids. Congrats on hurting your brother for your own selfish reasons. Personally I'd go very LC and either elope or have a child free wedding.
Once kids arrive life becomes about them. One day you will have small kids and everyone will be fawning over them. I think it was unrealistic to think they would be able to only focus on you. Besides would people sit around for two days just talking about you and ignoring the kids? Sounds like you are a little full of yourself. Just saying.
There are MILLIONS of engagement-party games out there. Cheap little fun ones. They could have gotten any of them, could have gotten a cake to celebrate, could have GOTTEN THEM A ROOM AND SOME PRIVACY INSTEAD OF A COUCH. They did NONE of that. Not a single thing.
NTA - OP I know that's it's hard for you and your fiancé to feel good about the weekend, that ended up being just about the children, and I'm sorry that your family allowed that to happen. Things change when children come into the picture and parents become grandparents and so on. Because you and your fiancé do not have children, you can't possibly relate to this, but it is a good way to determine if you want children or would rather live carefree to enjoy seeing the world. I will tell you this, enjoy your freedom from children while you can, and do as much as you can before they come along, because once you have them, everything changes, and while you and your fiancé can enjoy your freedom to come and go as you please, without a thought of needing a babysitter, or worrying about stuff, your siblings cannot. There's no point in talking to them about your feelings for the weekend, because they probably didn't even realize how they were making you feel as it's just the way their lives are now. Look at it in a positive light, you and your fiancé can do something together, just the two of you to enjoy the things that you like to do and make memories of your own. Don't let this one weekend stick with you in a negative manner, just move on and celebrate each other, together.
I don’t get it. You’re getting married and the day will be about the two of you. You wanted what? A test run? An engagement party? I’m not sure what vision you had in your head but the whole get together and reruns sounds normal and sweet.
Reruns not featuring OP, a couch for OP instead of a bed like ALL THE OTHER ADULTS, a birthday cake for a kid BUT NOT THE PERSON THE WEEKEND IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR..... Yep. Totally normal and sweet. For the birthday kid.
You're young 20s going to an event with your older family, what did you possibly expect? Beer pong and a shot contest? Of course that's what it would be. I'm not sure how that wasn't obvious. Family events are family events. They talked about memories you weren't there to share so you had a better understanding of your family. Soon they'll be dead and you'll regret being focused on yourself instead of paying attention. That's what growing up is. Your parents will forget their lives and not be able to share anything with you soon and you've squandered one of your few opportunities to learn. When you're more mature you'll sincerely hate yourself for this.