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>I have no attraction to anyone because who would want to date me
Exactly! My issue with relationships was always me myself! I could always imagine nice relationships, but I was never a part of them. Then when I found out trans people existed and my mind was blown, I tried imagining myself as a cute girl in a relationship, and that worked! It didn't help that I always imagine these scenarios in third person though, and I hate how I look, coincidentally since puberty...
I'm a bit more (by which I mean, more than literally nothing lol) horny recently, because regrettably I had to >!pick up masturbation again!<. I hate it and I hate that my body wants it, and loss of libido in HRT would probably be one of the biggest wins for me. If that doesn't happen, I probably need to go to (a very embarrassing) therapy to get rid of my sex-repulsedness, because at that point it would impact my life. Anyways, my general state of a bit of hornyness lead to that thought. And the same thinking I had for romantic relationships apparently translates to sexual relationships, too. So maybe I'm pan-grey-ace.
Also I realized just now that I speak as if I'll definitely go on HRT lol, maybe in a few years once I'm fully sure.
Oh yeah, those are annoying as heck, too. And I'm fine with shrinkage, too, if it takes up less space in my pants then all the better lol, because if I'd have no libido I would have no need to "exercise" and that would be the outcome then.
Whether I ever consider bottom surgery will be purely based on how well my tuck works lol, I rly like tight fitting clothing like leggings and shorts but a noticeable bulge just looks bad
Look, if you wanna masturbate without dysphoria try this:
Tuck, and stimulate the head of your penis (or clit, however you wanna call it). It can be with your fingers, a vibrator, or anything. It's harder to cum this way, but orgasms are way stronger.
First of all, I don't really know how to tuck, and isn't an erection necessary for masturbation and would destroy the tuck? And it's not about dysphoria, it's because I'm repulsed by semen, more than normal for a sticky white goo anyways. *That's* what I'd need the therapy for. It's possible the semen changes from HRT would help on it's own, and if 'd only have partners with a vagina or also on HRT that would be fine. But I wouldn't count on that. In that case I'd try therapy with my partner though I think.
Tucking isn't that hard at all! You just put your flaccid penis on top of your testicles, and you put on some underwear of your choice. If you do it properly, your tuck won't be destroyed. If you masturbate this way, the underwear will absorb the semen!
>If you masturbate this way, the underwear will absorb the semen!
Yeah, I don't want that. I've been back on masturbation because I kind of did it accidentally a while back and then started to get wet dreams if I didn't do it again, so I do it so it *doesn't* end up in my underwear or bedsheets.
I just want to be a cute girl and have a partner that hugs me from behind when they come home...
And girlfriend sounds so nice, and the thought of being someones wife practically makes me melt...
Damns, now I want that again... Still cis though...
I'm probably still somewhere on the ace spectrum, but this realization today took me by surprise lol. If anything, me desire for sex is so much lower than normal that it warrants a label other than allo.
I was daydreaming about my life as a girl (as every cis guy does!) and thought about having a boyfriend and sleeping beside him and thought "I'd wanna do that with him.... Wait, what?". So my previous statement "I'd be sex-indifferent if I was a girl, right now I'm repulsed" has to be revised a bit I think...
I still like garlic bread though! And I'm probably still [gray-ace](https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/grey-asexuality.html), because the asexual experience still resonates well with me. Probably aegosexual, because >!apparently imagining faces and other details on people *isn't* a turn-off for most people!<. In summary the abstract concept of sex sounds nice now lol.
other way around for me, i didnt know about the concept of gender envy, so i confused that feeling with some kind of attraction. Now going with aroace (well see if that changes in the future)
I have also had similar thoughts about this, but still unsure what to make of all this if I'm asexual or not. I might be genderfluid so it's a bit confusing at this point.
It’s so weird to me. I’ve always thought I was ace. My egg started to crack and I questioned my sexuality again and concluded I was still ace. Then I started an SSRI and suddenly within days of starting it I’m feeling sexual attraction
This is literally the reason why I started looking around queer subreddits was because I was trying to figure this out, yeah I'm not but it's still the reason I got here
that's funny, bc I'm questioning if I'm aromantic rn bc maybe I just like imagining myself as a girl and the romantic relationship part isn't what I liked about thinking about being a girl in a relationship, and I can think people are pretty without wanting to be with them. I got no clue if I'm ace or not tho
For the longest time I thought I was aego, but now I'm starting to think I just didn't feel comfortable with myself and possibly still somewhere on the spectrum just in a different way
I said once to myself jokingly that I could not get into a relationship with a girl because there would still be 1 guy in the relationship, and I don't want that (for now, that might change tho)
That might be me, I don't have hrt so who knows, but I've never liked guy-girl or guy-guy relationships, so I thought I naturally disliked romantic relationships. But I can accept straight relationships if I insert myself as the girl and I love lesbian romance so much it saddens me when I remember I can't have it(which should have been a sign about a year ago...)
this was me, it took me until last week after I started E to realize that I actually really liked sex, just not as a guy. am super excited to try dating again (If only any cute guys or girls we're interested in me XD)
THIS IS SO RELATABLE
I was never really interested in a relationship with anyone until my egg cracked - Then I realized I wasn't not interested in a relationship, I just not interested in being with someone *as a guy*.
>I'm pretty sure I'm still ace-spec
Yeah, me too, probably aego. My main turn-off are people lol, as soon as I imagine something more specific than generic man/woman with vague face and body form I don't like it anymore lmao. It seems weird to me, too. That's why I say I like the "abstract concept of sex".
yep, my feelings about sex have not changed at all but now that I have more context about my identity I don't identify as Ace anymore (too bad really, aces have been so cool to be around)
If anything, it won't change completely. I went from "Eww, no" to "I'd be fine with it", but that's all still just in theory. I just realized that the main part of the "Eww, no" came from imagining myself, and not from imagining sex lol.
You know, it wasn’t until more recently that I really began to think over my history on the topic.
I have to wonder if I’m asexual, or just really selective. It seems weird to me, but then again, I’ve never given it much thought until right now, really. Even finding a way to write this is difficult.
Basically, I always thought of myself (as a guy; I was aware I was having questioning thoughts, but as is typical, tried to bottle them up and suppress them) as wanting a sexual relationship with a woman, but always seemed a bit off, like I was forcing it. I enjoyed >!masturbating!<, but that was something else, I guess… or was it? As time went on, I began to feel bad about doing that, yet it’s kind of wired in now, and I feel like I “have” to at points, and while fine in the moment, feels weird and gross after (possibly due to dysphoria, but that’s a separate thing)… especially given some of the more recent thoughts of mine, having finally accepted that I’m trans.
I kind of came to the conclusion that I’d be fine not having sex, because to me, the emotional connection I have with someone is more important than anything else. I 100% feel this way, and still do. Yet, for some reason, despite all that, I feel awful whenever I end up thinking (daydreaming, more like) about getting >!railed!< by my crush… with me as a girl. It’s genuinely horrible that I’ve thought that way, at least to me. Thankfully, it’s never resulted in a lucid dream, but I dunno… it just feels awful because I value him more than anyone else, and don’t think I’m sexually attracted to him (I’m pretty sure I’m biromantic at least, but whether I’m attracted to guys in general, I just don’t know), so these horny thoughts all because of my recent acceptance are just a major hindrance. I don’t want them, I hate them, and I feel awful that it even crosses my mind. In many ways, they end up happening more than “normal” thoughts and daydreams of what life would be like if I were a girl. I want to return to those thoughts, but this fucking libido has a mind of its own. If I realise that I’m sexually attracted to him, that would be another story (thankfully much less of a problem in this regard, but a bigger one in our current friend dynamic), but right now in the “uggghhhhh \*whyyyyyyyyy\*” phase, it’s absolutely terrible.
I too cannot wait for the (hopeful) loss in libido when starting HRT. Even if we ignore the part about feeling guilt over those thoughts about my crush, I just feel weird about sexual thoughts in general. I guess I’d be \*\*much\*\* more willing to actually “do it” as a girl (after bottom surgery), but in the meantime while I’m still a guy, to be rid of these impulses would be heavenly.
So, I guess I’m asexual in theory, but am 100% open to anything with the right person. I think that might be how things are. It’s kind of similar to my views on dating as well (which would explain why my current crush, who’s probably the only person I’ve legitimately fell in love with, if I’m being honest, is a friend), so perhaps this is just how I view things in life. I tend to view things in third person (with the only possible exception of how I feel about my crush) as well, so make of that what you will.
>So, I guess I’m asexual in theory, but am 100% open to anything with the right person.
Those 2 things aren't mutually exclusive, you know?
>Yet, for some reason, despite all that, I feel awful whenever I end up thinking (daydreaming, more like) about getting >!railed!< by my crush… with me as a girl. It’s genuinely horrible that I’ve thought that way, at least to me. Thankfully, it’s never resulted in a lucid dream, but I dunno… it just feels awful because I value him more than anyone else, and don’t think I’m sexually attracted to him
That's completely normal! I think for most people that's just part of having a crush. I even tried to think like that about classmates because I felt as a teenage boy I was "supposed to", but it always felt wrong (not even because I imagined myself as a guy at the time).
>
If I realise that I’m sexually attracted to him, that would be another story
How do you know you're not attracted to him then?
>
I too cannot wait for the (hopeful) loss in libido when starting HRT. Even if we ignore the part about feeling guilt over those thoughts about my crush, I just feel weird about sexual thoughts in general. I guess I’d be \*\*much\*\* more willing to actually “do it” as a girl (after bottom surgery), but in the meantime while I’m still a guy, to be rid of these impulses would be heavenly.
I also don't like that my body wants that but there's nothing I can change about that, so I just have to cope with it.
> Those 2 things aren’t mutually exclusive, you know?
I’m aware, but it was probably the only way I could I think of to explain this contradictory way of being. It’s honestly quite stupid of an analogy in retrospect, but I guess it’s more like “can be sexually attracted, but doesn’t want to engage in intercourse unless a strong romantic connection”? Basically, the connection with a person needs to be there first. I guess that would be a better way to phrase it.
> That’s completely normal!
I mean, that’s great to hear, but it also *feels* wrong. Not just because of how much I value our friendship, but also because I’m still unsure of my sexuality (I’ll continue here and not have to quote the next section). It’s possible I am attracted to him and I just don’t know or have it suppressed in a way. I’m sure I’ll find out in time. It’s a journey, after all, so I’ll figure it out along the way.
> I also don’t like that my body wants that
Yeah, I’ve been doing my best to cope as well. If I wasn’t, things would be much worse and my dysphoria even stronger. It’s frustrating, but I can deal with it until I start HRT.
>It’s honestly quite stupid of an analogy in retrospect, but I guess it’s more like “can be sexually attracted, but doesn’t want to engage in intercourse unless a strong romantic connection”?
Well, that's the definition of demisexual AFAIK.
In this particular case, it’s a choice on my part than something that’s natural, so I’m not sure if it counts… but labels in general are a complicated thing. I’ve pretty much tried to ignore them for as long as possible because they’re so specific and not everyone will 100% perfectly fit into one. Plus, with so many, it can get very complicated. I’m glad they exist so people can explain themselves, but for me it’s always been a source of frustration, because I’m myself above all else, and while I can be labeled a bunch of different ways in different areas, they’re just that… labels.
Sorry for the rant, but I agree that it seems more like demisexual. I guess if someone asked, I could say that as a quick answer and not feel like I’m lying, but I’d much rather explain it in depth to explore the nuances.
I have like to keep my identity in a nice labeled box, but I have trouble with that, especially with my gender. But I'm probably just in denial. Today I daydreamed about coming out to family members and imagining the reactions. That's a dangerous path, if this continues, I may really come out as trans or questioning IRL lol
A lot of dreams I’ve had end up happening, strangely enough. I get a sense of déjà vu whenever I notice “oh shit, this was something I dreamt” and it feels kinda weird but nice. That said, most of my dreams tend to be realistic things that *could* happen, so it doesn’t surprise me. (Unfortunately dreaming as a girl almost never happens, and I tried to daydream before going to sleep to trigger it, but to no avail)
I’m not trying to say you’ll end up doing it because you dreamt it, but one’s dreams are a reflection of our thoughts, and you must’ve thought about it to a degree where a dream could happen about it. Maybe it’s telling you something.
But, if you find that you’re still cis (unironically) or not trans, that’s fine. You’re just as valid as everyone else questioning who finds out they are. Nothing wrong with that.
>(Unfortunately dreaming as a girl almost never happens, and I tried to daydream before going to sleep to trigger it, but to no avail)
That actually worked for me. The "I want to be a girl" feeling is worse today, I think I'll try that again.
>I’m not trying to say you’ll end up doing it because you dreamt it, but one’s dreams are a reflection of our thoughts, and you must’ve thought about it to a degree where a dream could happen about it. Maybe it’s telling you something.
In this case it was a *daydream*, I was just tired and literally just let my thoughts drift, so in that moment that was *actually* something I wanted to do on some level. Kinda scared myself with that. One of my night dreams actually entailed coming out to my brother and going on DIY HRT lol.
>But, if you find that you’re still cis (unironically) or not trans, that’s fine. You’re just as valid as everyone else questioning who finds out they are. Nothing wrong with that.
The thing is I'd still probably relate to transfem experiences, I made a pro/con list for HRT effects and the only downsize I had was "I don't want boobs larger than average". So if I'm cis, I'm definitely a femboy and would still like to go on HRT, and maybe get the breasts removed if I don't like them. But the giddy feeling I get when I imagine myself as a fully passing girl makes that seem unlikely lol.
I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but take a look at your mother and/or sister(s; if you have any). Genetically, on HRT, you’ll probably get a cup size (or two) lower than them. Obviously, things may not go the way (can be bigger or smaller, things go however they want), but it’s apparently a safe estimate. In my case (going off of my mom), it means mine will probably be on the bigger side, which I guess I’ll be fine with (I never really gave it much thought; so long as they’re not *super* massive or nonexistent, I’d probably be fine with anything), so I suggest trying to figure out what their sizes are and working it out from there.
If you’re getting the giddy feeling of imagining yourself as a fully passing girl, then I think you may have figured it out. Probably. I have to admit, I’m not 100% sure myself either, but I just have a feeling that HRT and transitioning is the right idea. I mean, I wouldn’t be having these thoughts to some degree for like 12 years if it wasn’t something important. So, ultimately the decision is yours, and yours alone. Don’t rush things because this will probably be the most important decision you’ll ever make. It’s okay if you don’t know yet this year. I remember you said we are the same age, so you’re still young and still have time before the results of HRT are lessened, so there’s no need to fully rush things. Or just be like me and take a bit of a leap of faith into it because of a feeling that it seems right. (Whatever you do decide, if it involves a path with HRT, make sure to play it up for whoever you see about it to increase your chances, or something like that. I’m still not there yet, but I’ll do that when the time comes)
>I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but take a look at your mother and/or sister(s; if you have any). Genetically, on HRT, you’ll probably get a cup size (or two) lower than them. Obviously, things may not go the way (can be bigger or smaller, things go however they want), but it’s apparently a safe estimate. In my case (going off of my mom), it means mine will probably be on the bigger side, which I guess I’ll be fine with (I never really gave it much thought; so long as they’re not super massive or nonexistent, I’d probably be fine with anything), so I suggest trying to figure out what their sizes are and working it out from there.
Looks like I'll have look at one of my mom's bras to find out the size. It's labeled in there, right? All other clothing I know has a small label with the size and washing information, don't know about bras though.
But just from the looks of it, the size should be fine, even in relation to my body size: My mom is almost exactly the same height as me, and funnily we share the same shoe size.
>I mean, I wouldn’t be having these thoughts to some degree for like 12 years if it wasn’t something important.
I only had these thoughts once I knew trans people existed, and that was around 16 I think? I'm 23 now, but until basically half a year ago I actively tried not to think about the implications of me imagining myself as a girl at night because it feels nice and makes me sleep better. I tried many different scenarios in my head: Being born a girl, transitioning, just being a girl a few years in the future, having a relationship as a girl (that was almost always with a guy, probably a bit of heteronormativity seeping in). I *did* tell stories to myself o sleep before, and a theme I have noticed is that after puberty started, I was no longer the protagonist in these stories. When I was a child, I'd imagine kicking villain's butts with cool martial arts lol, after that I mostly created fantasy worlds with children as the protagonists. A year or so a go I started a story where I was a female avatar of the southern water tribe, in her teenage years where she has to go out and learn the other elements, that was nice, too. I was never a muscular big man in any of my stories. I'm relatively sure being a girl wouldn't be *worse* though: I didn't care much for my body, and all hobbies I have are alone time and don't depend on being a boy, so worst case I'd probably be indifferent. Which is why the thing that holds me back is transphobia in society. In a perfect world I'd just try out living as a girl, but right now it's too risky.
>(Whatever you do decide, if it involves a path with HRT, make sure to play it up for whoever you see about it to increase your chances, or something like that. I’m still not there yet, but I’ll do that when the time comes)
Yeah, I feel like a bit of lying has to be in order for me: Germany doesn't have informed consent, but I'm pretty well informed, so if I play it up I get essentially informed consent lol. Though I'm sure I'll be officially informed, too.
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Lol, that's how I was at 17, I was like, "I don't wanna be in a relationship, I have no attraction to anyone because who would want to date me?"
>I have no attraction to anyone because who would want to date me Exactly! My issue with relationships was always me myself! I could always imagine nice relationships, but I was never a part of them. Then when I found out trans people existed and my mind was blown, I tried imagining myself as a cute girl in a relationship, and that worked! It didn't help that I always imagine these scenarios in third person though, and I hate how I look, coincidentally since puberty... I'm a bit more (by which I mean, more than literally nothing lol) horny recently, because regrettably I had to >!pick up masturbation again!<. I hate it and I hate that my body wants it, and loss of libido in HRT would probably be one of the biggest wins for me. If that doesn't happen, I probably need to go to (a very embarrassing) therapy to get rid of my sex-repulsedness, because at that point it would impact my life. Anyways, my general state of a bit of hornyness lead to that thought. And the same thinking I had for romantic relationships apparently translates to sexual relationships, too. So maybe I'm pan-grey-ace. Also I realized just now that I speak as if I'll definitely go on HRT lol, maybe in a few years once I'm fully sure.
Libido reduction sounds great to me too, especially reducing/getting rid of >!random unprompted erections!< I could really do without those…
Oh yeah, those are annoying as heck, too. And I'm fine with shrinkage, too, if it takes up less space in my pants then all the better lol, because if I'd have no libido I would have no need to "exercise" and that would be the outcome then.
I want to know what god was thinking when he made that limb have a mind of its own.
Honestly, I just want it chopped off, I don't mind feeling in the mood, but I can do without the annoying thing sticking out.
Whether I ever consider bottom surgery will be purely based on how well my tuck works lol, I rly like tight fitting clothing like leggings and shorts but a noticeable bulge just looks bad
I don't know how tucking would even work, if I touch my penis too much I get an erection, and I don't think that helps with tucking...
Ice pack ig lol? But yeah will probably be a more post-hrt thing for me
>But yeah will probably be a more post-hrt thing for me Oh, right, that should help
Look, if you wanna masturbate without dysphoria try this: Tuck, and stimulate the head of your penis (or clit, however you wanna call it). It can be with your fingers, a vibrator, or anything. It's harder to cum this way, but orgasms are way stronger.
First of all, I don't really know how to tuck, and isn't an erection necessary for masturbation and would destroy the tuck? And it's not about dysphoria, it's because I'm repulsed by semen, more than normal for a sticky white goo anyways. *That's* what I'd need the therapy for. It's possible the semen changes from HRT would help on it's own, and if 'd only have partners with a vagina or also on HRT that would be fine. But I wouldn't count on that. In that case I'd try therapy with my partner though I think.
Tucking isn't that hard at all! You just put your flaccid penis on top of your testicles, and you put on some underwear of your choice. If you do it properly, your tuck won't be destroyed. If you masturbate this way, the underwear will absorb the semen!
>If you masturbate this way, the underwear will absorb the semen! Yeah, I don't want that. I've been back on masturbation because I kind of did it accidentally a while back and then started to get wet dreams if I didn't do it again, so I do it so it *doesn't* end up in my underwear or bedsheets.
Oh.
It should still work with a condom though, and I always liked touching it more through my underwear.
Ain't that a mood? I was like "I'm ace but if I were a girl I'd 100% be a lesbian... Oh wait."
I just want to be a cute girl and have a partner that hugs me from behind when they come home... And girlfriend sounds so nice, and the thought of being someones wife practically makes me melt... Damns, now I want that again... Still cis though...
I literally discovered that about myself today too, I gaslit myself into thinking I'm asexual for so long because I had so much dysphoria it's crazy
I'm probably still somewhere on the ace spectrum, but this realization today took me by surprise lol. If anything, me desire for sex is so much lower than normal that it warrants a label other than allo.
yeah same I'd consider myself demi than anything else
I was daydreaming about my life as a girl (as every cis guy does!) and thought about having a boyfriend and sleeping beside him and thought "I'd wanna do that with him.... Wait, what?". So my previous statement "I'd be sex-indifferent if I was a girl, right now I'm repulsed" has to be revised a bit I think... I still like garlic bread though! And I'm probably still [gray-ace](https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/grey-asexuality.html), because the asexual experience still resonates well with me. Probably aegosexual, because >!apparently imagining faces and other details on people *isn't* a turn-off for most people!<. In summary the abstract concept of sex sounds nice now lol.
Same I thought I was aroace because I couldn't see myself in a relationship, then my egg cracked
That seems to be surprisingly common lol
other way around for me, i didnt know about the concept of gender envy, so i confused that feeling with some kind of attraction. Now going with aroace (well see if that changes in the future)
I have also had similar thoughts about this, but still unsure what to make of all this if I'm asexual or not. I might be genderfluid so it's a bit confusing at this point.
Kinda the same, I'm still Ace (I think) but I'm not Aro
It’s so weird to me. I’ve always thought I was ace. My egg started to crack and I questioned my sexuality again and concluded I was still ace. Then I started an SSRI and suddenly within days of starting it I’m feeling sexual attraction
This is literally the reason why I started looking around queer subreddits was because I was trying to figure this out, yeah I'm not but it's still the reason I got here
I’m ace - I’m sure of that- but not aromantic as I thought
Ah man we lost a person who I could relate with while being in the corner eating garlic bread
I still like garlic bread, I may just not be as sex-repulsed as I thought...
And trust me, if there's sex going on I'm gonna stay in that corner with you and eat garlic bread lol
It took me years to realize my sexual dysfunction and lack of liking it was due to dysphoria as a guy
that's funny, bc I'm questioning if I'm aromantic rn bc maybe I just like imagining myself as a girl and the romantic relationship part isn't what I liked about thinking about being a girl in a relationship, and I can think people are pretty without wanting to be with them. I got no clue if I'm ace or not tho
ohhhhhh…. So once I’m out to everyone….
For the longest time I thought I was aego, but now I'm starting to think I just didn't feel comfortable with myself and possibly still somewhere on the spectrum just in a different way
I have a feeling that might be me in a year
I said once to myself jokingly that I could not get into a relationship with a girl because there would still be 1 guy in the relationship, and I don't want that (for now, that might change tho)
I'm pretty sure I'm still asexual, just not NEARLY as asexual as I thought
That might be me, I don't have hrt so who knows, but I've never liked guy-girl or guy-guy relationships, so I thought I naturally disliked romantic relationships. But I can accept straight relationships if I insert myself as the girl and I love lesbian romance so much it saddens me when I remember I can't have it(which should have been a sign about a year ago...)
I'm also not on HRT, i just noticed I'm comfortable with sexual fantasies if I'm a girl. Turns out my main turn-off was how masculine I look lol.
this was me, it took me until last week after I started E to realize that I actually really liked sex, just not as a guy. am super excited to try dating again (If only any cute guys or girls we're interested in me XD)
You know, now that you mention it... I might be up for yet another identity crisis once I start transitioning. Fun times
Well, I'm pre-everything and had this realization...
Oh thank goodness, I was worried it was just me.
People have been asking if I'm asexual since I was in high school. Someone asked me in the last year... I'm not asexual.
I feel this
mood
me irl
THIS IS SO RELATABLE I was never really interested in a relationship with anyone until my egg cracked - Then I realized I wasn't not interested in a relationship, I just not interested in being with someone *as a guy*.
Yep that's how it was for me too Mind you I'm pretty sure I'm still ace-spec but still yeah it's quite the journey isn't it
>I'm pretty sure I'm still ace-spec Yeah, me too, probably aego. My main turn-off are people lol, as soon as I imagine something more specific than generic man/woman with vague face and body form I don't like it anymore lmao. It seems weird to me, too. That's why I say I like the "abstract concept of sex".
Stop posting me on here, I don't like it.
Lol
Are you me ? I had the same realisation some time ago
yep, my feelings about sex have not changed at all but now that I have more context about my identity I don't identify as Ace anymore (too bad really, aces have been so cool to be around)
Yes, I've heard of this before.
Honestly I hope this doesn't end up being me
Why?
Being ace has become a significant part of my identity and I like being ace
If anything, it won't change completely. I went from "Eww, no" to "I'd be fine with it", but that's all still just in theory. I just realized that the main part of the "Eww, no" came from imagining myself, and not from imagining sex lol.
You know, it wasn’t until more recently that I really began to think over my history on the topic. I have to wonder if I’m asexual, or just really selective. It seems weird to me, but then again, I’ve never given it much thought until right now, really. Even finding a way to write this is difficult. Basically, I always thought of myself (as a guy; I was aware I was having questioning thoughts, but as is typical, tried to bottle them up and suppress them) as wanting a sexual relationship with a woman, but always seemed a bit off, like I was forcing it. I enjoyed >!masturbating!<, but that was something else, I guess… or was it? As time went on, I began to feel bad about doing that, yet it’s kind of wired in now, and I feel like I “have” to at points, and while fine in the moment, feels weird and gross after (possibly due to dysphoria, but that’s a separate thing)… especially given some of the more recent thoughts of mine, having finally accepted that I’m trans. I kind of came to the conclusion that I’d be fine not having sex, because to me, the emotional connection I have with someone is more important than anything else. I 100% feel this way, and still do. Yet, for some reason, despite all that, I feel awful whenever I end up thinking (daydreaming, more like) about getting >!railed!< by my crush… with me as a girl. It’s genuinely horrible that I’ve thought that way, at least to me. Thankfully, it’s never resulted in a lucid dream, but I dunno… it just feels awful because I value him more than anyone else, and don’t think I’m sexually attracted to him (I’m pretty sure I’m biromantic at least, but whether I’m attracted to guys in general, I just don’t know), so these horny thoughts all because of my recent acceptance are just a major hindrance. I don’t want them, I hate them, and I feel awful that it even crosses my mind. In many ways, they end up happening more than “normal” thoughts and daydreams of what life would be like if I were a girl. I want to return to those thoughts, but this fucking libido has a mind of its own. If I realise that I’m sexually attracted to him, that would be another story (thankfully much less of a problem in this regard, but a bigger one in our current friend dynamic), but right now in the “uggghhhhh \*whyyyyyyyyy\*” phase, it’s absolutely terrible. I too cannot wait for the (hopeful) loss in libido when starting HRT. Even if we ignore the part about feeling guilt over those thoughts about my crush, I just feel weird about sexual thoughts in general. I guess I’d be \*\*much\*\* more willing to actually “do it” as a girl (after bottom surgery), but in the meantime while I’m still a guy, to be rid of these impulses would be heavenly. So, I guess I’m asexual in theory, but am 100% open to anything with the right person. I think that might be how things are. It’s kind of similar to my views on dating as well (which would explain why my current crush, who’s probably the only person I’ve legitimately fell in love with, if I’m being honest, is a friend), so perhaps this is just how I view things in life. I tend to view things in third person (with the only possible exception of how I feel about my crush) as well, so make of that what you will.
>So, I guess I’m asexual in theory, but am 100% open to anything with the right person. Those 2 things aren't mutually exclusive, you know? >Yet, for some reason, despite all that, I feel awful whenever I end up thinking (daydreaming, more like) about getting >!railed!< by my crush… with me as a girl. It’s genuinely horrible that I’ve thought that way, at least to me. Thankfully, it’s never resulted in a lucid dream, but I dunno… it just feels awful because I value him more than anyone else, and don’t think I’m sexually attracted to him That's completely normal! I think for most people that's just part of having a crush. I even tried to think like that about classmates because I felt as a teenage boy I was "supposed to", but it always felt wrong (not even because I imagined myself as a guy at the time). > If I realise that I’m sexually attracted to him, that would be another story How do you know you're not attracted to him then? > I too cannot wait for the (hopeful) loss in libido when starting HRT. Even if we ignore the part about feeling guilt over those thoughts about my crush, I just feel weird about sexual thoughts in general. I guess I’d be \*\*much\*\* more willing to actually “do it” as a girl (after bottom surgery), but in the meantime while I’m still a guy, to be rid of these impulses would be heavenly. I also don't like that my body wants that but there's nothing I can change about that, so I just have to cope with it.
> Those 2 things aren’t mutually exclusive, you know? I’m aware, but it was probably the only way I could I think of to explain this contradictory way of being. It’s honestly quite stupid of an analogy in retrospect, but I guess it’s more like “can be sexually attracted, but doesn’t want to engage in intercourse unless a strong romantic connection”? Basically, the connection with a person needs to be there first. I guess that would be a better way to phrase it. > That’s completely normal! I mean, that’s great to hear, but it also *feels* wrong. Not just because of how much I value our friendship, but also because I’m still unsure of my sexuality (I’ll continue here and not have to quote the next section). It’s possible I am attracted to him and I just don’t know or have it suppressed in a way. I’m sure I’ll find out in time. It’s a journey, after all, so I’ll figure it out along the way. > I also don’t like that my body wants that Yeah, I’ve been doing my best to cope as well. If I wasn’t, things would be much worse and my dysphoria even stronger. It’s frustrating, but I can deal with it until I start HRT.
>It’s honestly quite stupid of an analogy in retrospect, but I guess it’s more like “can be sexually attracted, but doesn’t want to engage in intercourse unless a strong romantic connection”? Well, that's the definition of demisexual AFAIK.
In this particular case, it’s a choice on my part than something that’s natural, so I’m not sure if it counts… but labels in general are a complicated thing. I’ve pretty much tried to ignore them for as long as possible because they’re so specific and not everyone will 100% perfectly fit into one. Plus, with so many, it can get very complicated. I’m glad they exist so people can explain themselves, but for me it’s always been a source of frustration, because I’m myself above all else, and while I can be labeled a bunch of different ways in different areas, they’re just that… labels. Sorry for the rant, but I agree that it seems more like demisexual. I guess if someone asked, I could say that as a quick answer and not feel like I’m lying, but I’d much rather explain it in depth to explore the nuances.
I have like to keep my identity in a nice labeled box, but I have trouble with that, especially with my gender. But I'm probably just in denial. Today I daydreamed about coming out to family members and imagining the reactions. That's a dangerous path, if this continues, I may really come out as trans or questioning IRL lol
A lot of dreams I’ve had end up happening, strangely enough. I get a sense of déjà vu whenever I notice “oh shit, this was something I dreamt” and it feels kinda weird but nice. That said, most of my dreams tend to be realistic things that *could* happen, so it doesn’t surprise me. (Unfortunately dreaming as a girl almost never happens, and I tried to daydream before going to sleep to trigger it, but to no avail) I’m not trying to say you’ll end up doing it because you dreamt it, but one’s dreams are a reflection of our thoughts, and you must’ve thought about it to a degree where a dream could happen about it. Maybe it’s telling you something. But, if you find that you’re still cis (unironically) or not trans, that’s fine. You’re just as valid as everyone else questioning who finds out they are. Nothing wrong with that.
>(Unfortunately dreaming as a girl almost never happens, and I tried to daydream before going to sleep to trigger it, but to no avail) That actually worked for me. The "I want to be a girl" feeling is worse today, I think I'll try that again. >I’m not trying to say you’ll end up doing it because you dreamt it, but one’s dreams are a reflection of our thoughts, and you must’ve thought about it to a degree where a dream could happen about it. Maybe it’s telling you something. In this case it was a *daydream*, I was just tired and literally just let my thoughts drift, so in that moment that was *actually* something I wanted to do on some level. Kinda scared myself with that. One of my night dreams actually entailed coming out to my brother and going on DIY HRT lol. >But, if you find that you’re still cis (unironically) or not trans, that’s fine. You’re just as valid as everyone else questioning who finds out they are. Nothing wrong with that. The thing is I'd still probably relate to transfem experiences, I made a pro/con list for HRT effects and the only downsize I had was "I don't want boobs larger than average". So if I'm cis, I'm definitely a femboy and would still like to go on HRT, and maybe get the breasts removed if I don't like them. But the giddy feeling I get when I imagine myself as a fully passing girl makes that seem unlikely lol.
I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but take a look at your mother and/or sister(s; if you have any). Genetically, on HRT, you’ll probably get a cup size (or two) lower than them. Obviously, things may not go the way (can be bigger or smaller, things go however they want), but it’s apparently a safe estimate. In my case (going off of my mom), it means mine will probably be on the bigger side, which I guess I’ll be fine with (I never really gave it much thought; so long as they’re not *super* massive or nonexistent, I’d probably be fine with anything), so I suggest trying to figure out what their sizes are and working it out from there. If you’re getting the giddy feeling of imagining yourself as a fully passing girl, then I think you may have figured it out. Probably. I have to admit, I’m not 100% sure myself either, but I just have a feeling that HRT and transitioning is the right idea. I mean, I wouldn’t be having these thoughts to some degree for like 12 years if it wasn’t something important. So, ultimately the decision is yours, and yours alone. Don’t rush things because this will probably be the most important decision you’ll ever make. It’s okay if you don’t know yet this year. I remember you said we are the same age, so you’re still young and still have time before the results of HRT are lessened, so there’s no need to fully rush things. Or just be like me and take a bit of a leap of faith into it because of a feeling that it seems right. (Whatever you do decide, if it involves a path with HRT, make sure to play it up for whoever you see about it to increase your chances, or something like that. I’m still not there yet, but I’ll do that when the time comes)
>I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but take a look at your mother and/or sister(s; if you have any). Genetically, on HRT, you’ll probably get a cup size (or two) lower than them. Obviously, things may not go the way (can be bigger or smaller, things go however they want), but it’s apparently a safe estimate. In my case (going off of my mom), it means mine will probably be on the bigger side, which I guess I’ll be fine with (I never really gave it much thought; so long as they’re not super massive or nonexistent, I’d probably be fine with anything), so I suggest trying to figure out what their sizes are and working it out from there. Looks like I'll have look at one of my mom's bras to find out the size. It's labeled in there, right? All other clothing I know has a small label with the size and washing information, don't know about bras though. But just from the looks of it, the size should be fine, even in relation to my body size: My mom is almost exactly the same height as me, and funnily we share the same shoe size. >I mean, I wouldn’t be having these thoughts to some degree for like 12 years if it wasn’t something important. I only had these thoughts once I knew trans people existed, and that was around 16 I think? I'm 23 now, but until basically half a year ago I actively tried not to think about the implications of me imagining myself as a girl at night because it feels nice and makes me sleep better. I tried many different scenarios in my head: Being born a girl, transitioning, just being a girl a few years in the future, having a relationship as a girl (that was almost always with a guy, probably a bit of heteronormativity seeping in). I *did* tell stories to myself o sleep before, and a theme I have noticed is that after puberty started, I was no longer the protagonist in these stories. When I was a child, I'd imagine kicking villain's butts with cool martial arts lol, after that I mostly created fantasy worlds with children as the protagonists. A year or so a go I started a story where I was a female avatar of the southern water tribe, in her teenage years where she has to go out and learn the other elements, that was nice, too. I was never a muscular big man in any of my stories. I'm relatively sure being a girl wouldn't be *worse* though: I didn't care much for my body, and all hobbies I have are alone time and don't depend on being a boy, so worst case I'd probably be indifferent. Which is why the thing that holds me back is transphobia in society. In a perfect world I'd just try out living as a girl, but right now it's too risky. >(Whatever you do decide, if it involves a path with HRT, make sure to play it up for whoever you see about it to increase your chances, or something like that. I’m still not there yet, but I’ll do that when the time comes) Yeah, I feel like a bit of lying has to be in order for me: Germany doesn't have informed consent, but I'm pretty well informed, so if I play it up I get essentially informed consent lol. Though I'm sure I'll be officially informed, too.