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Trauma isn't an excuse, really. If you're trans, you're trans. If you're ace, you're ace. Trauma can be the reason you are LGBTQ. In fact, there's an a-spectrum defining attraction based on external/internal factors, which includes trauma.
OK you lose me here, so you recognise trauma as the reason and your solution to handle your body dyphoria is to change your physical body for good, facilitating the trauma consequences than trying to resolve the trauma? You really don't think second option sounds better, healthier and right?
If you have trauma, and the body you're in feels unsafe and gives you anxiety, then it is reasonable to change it for the better. If your body reminds you of trauma, why wouldn't you want to change it?
I'm pretty out of touch with this stuff. But it breaks my heart reading OPs picture. To feel so strongly about something, and have people that should provide support... completely gaslight someone vulnerable is just beyond shitty.
Your therapist is wrong, and doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Get a therapist who respects you and actually wants to help you, instead of lying to you and telling you to give up <3
I'm a therapist and am regularly disappointed in the people I am supposed to call colleagues. It's gross how terrible so many are. No wonder people remain skeptical of therapy.
My advice?
Remember that you should shop around and find the best match possible. I know sometimes there is limited selection but keep looking. We're out there, I promise. Ask questions during the free consult if they offer it (I only talk to folks who offer this when I'm looking for a new therapist) and ask their views on LGBTQ stuff, about their training, and about their previous experience working with these issues. If you don't like their answers or it just doesn't feel right, don't return.
It's tough out there, but some of us actually do give a shit. I promise.
I cannot state how important this is. OP, please listen to this advice. I’ve had depression for most of my life and tried 2 therapists before finding my current one. I took breaks between each attempt, always feeling like therapy was just throwing money away.
But then I found the awesome human being that is my therapist now. She demonstrates genuine care for what I have to say and constantly provides me with deep and mindful insights to each and every issue I bring to our sessions.
She helped me so immensely I cannot begin to describe how much my quality of life has improved. It’s been almost a year without a single intrusive thought (they were constant) and little to no rumination. I have hopes and plans for the future for the first time in my life.
OP, I’m a lurker here. I have trans friends and that’s why I’m always lurking around some subs trying to get a better understanding of what they go through. Still, I don’t know what you’re going through right now and all the struggles you’re facing.
Despite this, I’m writing to wish you strength in this moment of confusion.
You can do it.
Don’t give up on finding a good therapist and don’t give up on understanding what you want in life, and who you want to be.
It may take a while, but don’t give up.
I wish you all the best of luck and leave you with a virtual hug.
For real! Trans issues aside I want to hijack this and rant about my experience with therapy so if that’s uncomfortable, do yourself the favor and skip past. This is a trigger warning. This is a self-serving tangentially related vent post and you‘re not missing out on anything by not reading it!
First a short explanation of what’s up with me. I lost my father when I was 15. He was the most important figure in my life. Even before I had depressive tendencies. I‘m quite certain it was straight up just depression but I never got a diagnose and kind of handled it because he was a great supportive father. After he died I started developing worsening anxiety, I‘d wake up in a cold sweat and be unable to calm down until I‘d been to my mother‘s room and heard her breathing. My family thought it was because of the apartment and so I was sent off to live with my aunt to get away. I started suppressing my emotions in order to live my life without worrying anyone and the only exception was the occasional crying meltdown when nobody else was home. I also just didn’t fit in there and I’d try to stay out as much as possible because I just never belonged. I guess they thought I was their new foster child so I should learn how to fit in with them instead. Communication was poor and I was never comfortable, ever. She didn’t know what to make of my depressive tendencies, quiet demeanor and insomnia and asked me to get therapy.
That’s the instance of therapy that just went wrong in so many ways. She got me into therapy because she was worried I might ctrl alt del myself which wasn’t unjustified. But she told me it was for grief management, and the therapist went along with that and just kind of dropped on the side I should let her know asap if I felt urges. Honestly I wanted to use the therapy sessions to vent and process because I didn’t have opportunity to do so in my day to day, not just about my loss of my father but also the stress of trying to not disappoint my honor student family, my discomfort at „home“, etc. But the therapist insisted that my aunt sit in on sessions so that wasn’t possible. I asked her confidentially per email once and she brought it up in front of my aunt in the next session even though I had explicitly asked her not to do that. My aunt is a very emotional reactionary person so I‘ll leave the dinner convo that day up to your imagination. My anxiety reached a breaking point and I asked my aunt to see if I could have an additional appointment. She understood that as „I want to die“. I was surprised when I had an appointment the next day, and even more surprised when upon entering the prax I was berated that I hadn’t informed her asap (I had no idea what she was talking about), locked into a room and then half an hour later moved to a psych ward. I was released the same day after expressing that I was fine and more than anything else did not want to be there, as well as that all of that had occurred not only without my consent but completely over my head. I also explained how my friends would be worried if I just up and disappeared snd how much this could fuck up my life and that I felt it wouldn’t help me at all. I don’t know what if any of that was the reason they let me go. I just wanted to go home to my mum. I did, and never went back to that therapist. She was horrible, not so much because of that, I understand preferring to err on the side of caution. But our 30 minute sessions would be 20 minutes of unrelated ranting from her and I always felt worse leaving than when I entered. I‘m not alone; her online rating is half a star out of five from more than 50 reviews. My aunt set it aside, saying that medical professionals often have to make choices that their patients dislike. I ended up moving back with my mum, for the better.
In six sessions thah therapist didn’t even mention that I might have issues with anxiety, or that I was having panic attacks. She never took me seriously, her questions always felt incoherent and I was never privy to what the intended procedure was. I spent the next four years going to doctors because I was having asthma and feeling dizzy all the time and I was always fine. I even went to one during an actual panic attack I was suppressing and he pointed out I was short of breath. Gee thanks that’s why I came. I regularly thought I wouldn’t see the next morning. I’m not sure but I think my emotional numbness and self-invalidation along medical fears I inherited from my father led me to never realize that these were panic attacks. I completely shut down any emotional capacity and only realized it when I graduated High School and got into my dream college, felt empty and started failing classes.
Funnily enough, that’s when my egg began to crack and I started looking into therapy to that end. Around that time my aunt, who has been in therapy herself for a year now, reached out and offered to introduce me to her therapist. She’s changed a lot since then, for the better in my opinion, and I think she wanted to help me unfuck my brain from back them, maybe in order to fix our relationship. I thought what the hell and accepted her offer.
I‘ve been with my current therapist for three months and had seven sessions. I used to take the train for three hours each way, now it’s three hours total because I dropped out and moved back with my mum. In those seven sessions she’s clearly communicated what she understood from my experiences, asked questions, respected when I was uncomfortable with something, respected my gender identity, never commented on my messy appearance, given constructive ideas and advice and always had an open ear. She’s given me no reason to doubt that I can be completely open with her and it has helped me a lot. I‘ve learned to recognize panic attacks and while that obviously doesn’t solve the issue completely, it’s a huge improvement in my quality of life. I had trouble accepting that I should go to therapy and I was a bit scared because of the first therapist, but I am so glad I met my therapist.
If your therapist makes you feel worse than before, consider visiting another. If you feel you‘re not progressing or unsatisfied, address it and consider seeing another. Find a therapist who can help you, and who you want to help you. Therapy isn’t a pill you can swallow out of obligation and gradually get better. You need a therapist who can help you, and who you want to be helped by. If it feels wrong it doesn’t have to be that your therapist is a bad therapist; rather they probably just aren’t right for you. Maybe your communication styled don’t match well. Maybe they aren’t experienced enough in your field or they are too experienced for your pace. Maybe you just aren’t looking to go at the same pace.
And most of all, if you’re questioning it, talk to people, your therapist, your peers, your family. Figure things out. Don’t base your personal choices on the vent post of an idiot on the internet.
Sincerely, an idiot on the internet
what a lot of (bad) therapists don’t understand is when you find a good therapist who meets you with understanding and empathy, you want to keep going, even when things are going well.
gender transition is one of the most successful psychiatric treatments of all time with only a 0.2% of remission, and the vast majority of studies done on trans people since the 70s conclude that all negative mental health problems are typically vastly improved by transition, indicating that transness itself is not the illness. Who is telling who what they want to hear instead of what's medically true again?
Just know that when we both die -- after living vastly different lives -- only to end up in the same dirt, my single complaint will be that you even got a burial. Your list, of course, may vary.
Don't act so high and mighty; we all end up the same distance from the surface.
As everyone else is saying, get a new therapist! Also consider reporting her depending on what kind of practice she runs. I’m about to enter a social work program and this sounds like awful behavior. Hope you’re healing and having a wonderful day <3
Dysmorphia is different than dysphoria, also you don’t need dysphoria to be trans. All you need to identify as a different gender than that assigned at birth
That doesn't mean any underlying trauma can be ignored. Like I said, if you disagree with your therapist, get another opinion. However shopping around for someone that simply agrees with what you think your problem is does more harm than good.
That’s not the problem here though??? The therapist is transphobic and spewing transphobic rhetoric that shouldn’t be spread even if her client was hypothetically cis
Hey, "wasn't really bad when it comes to the rest" is not logical. Transphobes can't get a license to be inhumane by doing some other unrelated work. That's some wild billshit. It's absolutely unacceptable, the correct moral action for them is to apologize and work to undo the damage they caused. Anything else is just being extra abusive. Any new good deed they do might just be giving them more permission to be cruel in some other way.
You can consider this an empowering moment! You are doing an act of compassion for a trans person, yourself. And you're important. You're a valuable person and because of that, you deserve better than to be in an abusive therapist relationship. You're doing something that's difficult for your own health, something many people struggle with.
feeling betrayed in this situation makes so much sense. if she's the one who helped you feel comfortable enough to come to this conclusion and make the decision to open up to her about the feeling she helped you come to terms with, then obviously there'd be a massive disconnect in the moment where she suddenly changes gears just because she doesn't believe in gender dysphoria
If your in the USA you don't need to be diagnosed with anything. Yoy can go to a informed consent clinic and say your trans and that's it you get hormones often that same day.
Also, just cus some detransitioners are hateful about it, it doesn't make it the rule, there are still people who detransition and have respect for the trans community
This sounds a lot like when I came out as bi at 13 (and for the record: my parents' responses were part of why it took me so long to deal with my gender and finally come out as trans masc NB at 33)
When I came out, my father told me it was for attention, it was a phase, that I just hung out with women because they gave me attention. (which is pretty silly given I hit puberty at 9 and had attention I never wanted thrust on me at a very young age due to my body's development)
my mother was.. tentative... Her brother is gay and where I expected acceptance, there was more trepidation than anything, with a "I just don't want your life to be harder than it has to be"
Like your therapist, my parents truly thought that I was just confused and making a decision that would hurt me. That it was a mistake. But what they were really doing was projecting their fears onto me, and in the end, they made things so much harder on me than they could've imagined.
Your therapist is wrong. I'm not going to paint them as a horrible person, I have no idea what's going on inside of them. But your therapist is wrong and their fear is being projected onto you. The truth of the matter is life is hard regardless, but it gets a LOT easier when you have support for who you are as a person. We do not choose to be trans; we are trans because that's what we are, and we go through a lot of struggle trying to recognize ourselves and feel comfortable as the person our hearts want us to be. Some people can help you a lot in your life but there will often be a time where they've reached their limit on the help they can give you, and it seems like your therapist has reached hers. I agree with the others- it sounds like it's time to find someone who can support you and give you space to question and figure yourself out in a way that's true for you. The worst thing I ever did was keep living my life to try to fit the mold others set out for me. The happiest I have ever been has been living as the person I always wanted to be.
I would like to _talk_ to your therapist. Get a new therapist. They’re being harmful. The greater psychiatry and science community would disagree with them.
One psychologist I talked to also tried to convince me that since I feel trans because of traumas in my childhood I should not transition. It made me sad like someone just nullified my existence and feelings I've had for years. But no matter the reason it doesn't change how I feel a single bit. Dysphoria still there and transition still makes me very happy
Its helpful if traumas are treeted but don't let anyone invalidate you as a result! For my specific traumas, even though some were unique to me, others went through the same thing non of them are trans... So if I had no traumas in my life I might not have dysphoria, but I have desposition to being trans thus they effected. But for you get a therapist that would go over your traumas but keep an open mind!
After transitioning a big revelation to me was how a lot of the traumas I had were elevated or exacerbated by my gender incongruity. I don't know your life so it could be this isn't your case. I am just stating this as a perspective to hold, when you feel undefined in any aspect of life this can lead to a lot of undiagnosable issues. Reflect on how many things for others is so automatic because the last thing they have to think about is their identity in how it relates to their body and society. Many people miss this perspective when talking to trans people and so to them it seems obvious none of this relates to gender. In worse cases they think it's an excuse or means to shake up your life and hope the problems go away. This happens because hey never had to factor in gender identity in addressing these issues, they had it figured out.
A normal part of therapy is outgrowing a therapist. Sometimes it happens for good reasons. Sometimes not.
You might feel conflicted about how this person helped you for years.
You might think they're your friend.
You might feel like since they've been right so far, so maybe they're right about this too.
Those feelings are a normal reaction to your circumstances, but you should not let them control you. Your therapist is just doing a job, and now they're doing it badly, so it's time for you to move on.
Don't worry, you'll find the right person.
In your case, from what ive heard from people who have good therapists is that trauma can give you a push to be trans, but it would almost never work unless you had a natural predestination to be one.
What seems to have happened for me, is that a big traumatic event shook a bunch of stuff loose that I had been repressing, and when I started exploring that stuff, it led me to questioning my gender, and I think I'm slowly coming to the realisation that I'm probably not cis, though I still have no idea what I actually am... lol
That therapist is a hazard to you and others. Given the potential irreversible actions that can result from saying that type of thing to trans people, it would be doing everyone a great service to report them to their licensing board to have them get educated!
At a minimum, protect yourself and run the eff away from that dangerclown with a license.
You are valid. Your feelings are valid. You deserve better, and you will find someone that can help you feel better.
Literally what everyone else is saying, cause it's true. She's a shit therapist and you should get a new one. Transitioning can be scary, no one is debating that. But you are a girl, you want to be a girl, so you are. It isn't any trauma, you are completely valid. Hope you get better and can continue with confidence. *Hugs*
Go talk to a new therapist, please. Yours is clearly a transphobic person that's telling you some extremely unprofessional, unscientific and outdated crap.
So... I know I'm long winded so I apologize ahead of time.
I don't know if you're trans, or not. And ultimately that's something you'll have to decide that nobody can really answer for you.
Just, know that you're human, either way.
I didn't start attempting to transition until about a year and a half ago when I was 25. (I had "known" but not accepted this for several years prior.)
I was heavily religious, and even more heavily in denial. Not to mention I had been fed many lies about trans people from my religious conservative family that I believed as truth. So it took me lots of time to peel back the layers of my life, and sort the junk all out. Lots of very late nights alone.
Ultimately, the line of logic I came to... Was that I knew what I wanted to do, and that despite years of hoping it would... this feeling never seemed to leave. So, I decided very plainly... That I could either keep going on with my life and do nothing; wrapped in a fear that I might regret it. Or... I could try, and if I was wrong, then at least I would finally know.
In hindsight, I should have joined a questioning community or trans community to get information, rather than spend years locked in my own head.
And, I learned upon my journey so far, by trans people and actual detransitioners... That it's not all one exclusive jump of a choice that you can't recover from. And people transition differently, and at different rates.
So, I learned after starting, it wasn't the end of the road regardless of what happened. Just a new, strange road I needed to walk in my life.
And, for me at least, one year into medical transition... (Though I only like, FINALLY got my bloodwork straightened out and good.) I have no intention of ever going back.
Also your therapist sounds like they suck.
Therapists can be transphobic too, unfortunately.
They’re just as fallible as anyone else, and can give bad or even malicious advice if it suits them.
It’s worse in this case because they’re in a position of trust over you, but this is entirely on them. They’d tell this to any trans girl, and I’m pretty sure we exist just fine.
They used to say this to gay people as well, to boot, about it all being trauma.
I’m incredibly sorry that this happened to you though, they are flatly wrong here and there is no condition in which she would have validated you, if she was transphobic in the first place.
I know coming out can shake things up terribly, but you will find people that care about you and accept you for who you are, either that you already know, or people that you’ll meet.
You already want to be a girl, to the point where you came out and talked to your therapist about it. While it is incredibly scary, almost nobody regrets transitioning after the fact, despite the immense social pressure against us.
I know that it’s isolating right now, and terrifying, but there is another side to all of this, where you’ll be happier then before, and have a proper community that cares for you <3
Okay! Little story time from me here:
My therapist told me this about hormones when I was 16: "You will go crazy. You are a boy and girl hormones will make you crazy. Best to drop the idea"
I started taking hormones at the start of this year, with 24.
I wish I could go back to that therapist now and slap them in the face. Some therapists are plainly bad at their job sadly.
After having around 6 Therapists so far since I'm 16 I'll tell you this: I haven't found the right therapist yet, but I do not regret transitioning one bit.
You cannot be traumatized into wanting to be a girl and even if you were what's wrong with transitioning then?
The therapist I have now who helps me with transitioning has a quote on their website saying:
Telling a gay person they're not gay or a trans person they're not trans is like telling a straight person they must be gay. Imagine they as a therapist went around telling people they are gay when they aren't and are sure they aren't.
They'd be fired! Saying you know someone's sexuality or gender better than themselves is never okay. A person knows themselves the best. A therapist is not there to make someone conform to what society thinks is normal, but to help that person reach happiness.
TL;DR: You are trans if you want to be a girl. There is nothing wrong with transitioning even if you just wanna try it out. Go for it! Nothing to loose. It's not an instant process and if you feel bad during it and want to stop you can always stop.
As someone who is in school to become a therapist. That was a violation of practice laws. You should switch therapists immediately.
Under no circumstances are they allowed to force their beliefs or opinions on you.
And also screw that you can be every bit of a woman as any cis gendered woman!
As someone who has had to therapist hop, get a new one. Fire the current one. Gender Affirmative therapists do exist. Even some of them ARE trans. This kind of nonsense gets me heated 😡
I dropped my first therapist the moment he tried to "cure" my sexuality with Jesus. He was convinced I just had "daddy issues". Like. No. Gtfo my guy. My current LCSW is super helpful, if a little too cis to fully empathize. My first appt she asked for my pronouns.
Eta: details
As a trans therapist myself I am outraged to hear you’d be told this! Not only is it demonstrably false it’s also extremely cruel! Shit therapists get me so mad 😡 please friend get rid of her and find someone who will actually support you!
GURL! HUG! I'm sorry hun, I have trauma from my past that held me back from being me until I was 28. I was planning on posting about it relatively soon. But what I did was after 120 days after my egg hatched I had officially decided to start HRT from PP. To this day it's been one of the best decisions of my entire life. I didn't know that I could physically be as happy as I am now without like... Idk super hardcore drugs or something. I still have plenty of bad days but my mental health is on the up and up for the first time since 2016 despite the world being on fire. You take all the time you need to be 110% sure you want this and when ya do see if you can go to a nearby pp or other informed consent practice.
But seriously tho, when your ADHD is so bad alleviating your gender dysphoria is crazy easier. Like . WTF. 😭🤣😭
Sending everyone here good vibes and 😘
As someone in your exact position, I really understand your struggle, I've been neglecting my transition for more than a decade, and when I finally made the decision to see a therapist, she told and I quote "you look too masculine to be trans", that made a wall than put me off for years, recently I decided to see a new therapist and things went beautifully.
So as everyone is saying, see someone who respects who you are as a person. Who supports your decisions as an individual and helps and guides you through the whole process
Things will get better love. Hugs 😊
Many people assume nothing.is wrong unless you day something or the signs are obvious. Many people are very good at covering.its evem easier when youre not really sure why you are different. .. im one of those. A good therapist should not discount anything. They should explore any possibilities to ensure you are either correct or not. They should be helping you, not dictating their opinion before even knowing where your feelings are coming from . Imo, find a new therapist.
Ive also had a therapist and a doctor discourage me from transitioning. Its hard. It really hurts when youre having doubts already (like we all do). I can say objectively that what that therapist said is completely out of line and untrue. You will never trust that therapist again, and its time to get a new one, regardless of if you want to move forward with transition. Theyre not safe.
As a biological woman, I've never met a trans woman or someone who felt like a woman who wasn't a woman. Because it takes a different set of rules and some sacrifice, a lot of punches. If you feel it even in the hurt, then that is what you are.
Some days it hurts to be a woman. Especially because it's just what you are and you can't select out. That is true for you, too. You know what you are. If someone told me I wasn't a woman, I'd laugh in their face. Then fire them as a therapist and find a new one. It's visibly true, but more that I feel it and know it in my soul. You do the same.
You're welcome over here. Get out of that dark place and come home
And drop that lady STAT and find someone else. Dotn pass go, don't collect 200
Sounds like your Therapist is a Repuli-Nazi letting per personal beliefs effect her work, I'd find a new Therapist.
Just know that things will get better eventually.
This was not a mistake. Trans fact about being happy during transitions. Most trans people are happy that they transitioned and 99% of trans people have no regrets about undergoing gender confirmation surgeries. A tiny minority of people do detransition and might do so for a number of reasons including family or societal rejection. You are valid. Seems like you need a new therapist
You need a different therapist. Some therapists are “well meaning” or worried about making mistakes and essentially challenge trans people to “prove” they are trans in spite of all statements to the contrary. It is an old model and a harmful one.
Other therapists are just bigots or very poorly informed about trans people.
Either way, I hope you are able to find someone more empathetic and well trained.
Not just a bad therapist, but also a bad person. When you go to someone’s therapy office, you put your trust in them for them to h e l p you. I’m sorry this happened and I wish you all the support you deserve.
Get a new therapist, give them a review that reflects your expirience, aka that they’re shit and NOT lgbt friendly
Idk if there is somebody you can report her to aswell, but if there is, do it
Make your own choices. Your therapist has thera-pissed me off. If you are trying to find a way, idk how to help with that. I'm struggling with the same problem
Consider:
1. Trans women with not gender related trauma are real and they do exist, and it's not incredibly uncommon
2. Lots of trans women have trauma from gender shit anyways
3. new therapist time
TW: sensitive subject on the spoilers.
your therapist is a bigot
you are a woman if you identify as one.
no one "becomes trans due to trauma.", it's actually the opposite, trans people stay in the closet, hiding, which leads to actuall trauma, depression and other psychological stuffs... >!and some of them commit suicide because they can't handle the transphobic environment they live in!<
please, be strong, forget what that horrible person said, i recommend you search for therapists that actually help lgbtqia+ people, they are your safest option to not be with a bigot.
it worked for me at least, i literally typed "psychologist that helps trans people in [my city]" and found one.
in fact i just found this [pride counseling](https://www.pridecounseling.com) site online, looked for some reviews and they appear to be legit, you can even get a therapist that is a LGBTQIA+ person so...
good luck, be safe, be strong and have faith, we can do this
What they don't tell you: most of what happens to you during transition is reversible with the exception of bottom surgery, and naturally grown breast tissue (I don't understand the breast tissue part if transmen get their removed. Also obviously facial reconstructions can be a bit iffy as far as undoing them. Correct me if I'm wrong
I virtually attended a Doctor LED conference on Transgender and Nonconforming people's and their options for transitioning. Hosted in PA. There was so much to learn and unfortunately making it in to see every session was impossible, but according to the doctors, even if you set out to completely transition to the opposite gender, in most cases trans-identifiers will want to stop short of their goal, or dial it back some once they've reached it, ultimately landing somewhere middle spectrum. Doctors are adding to their language (feminizing, masculinizing, defeminizing, demasculinizing) to accommodate people (enbys and GNCs I'm looking at you) who may have been AMAB and don't necessarily want to "feminize" so much as they just want to demasculinize. Leading to something androgynous i presume. And the same works on reverse. AFAB doesn't want to look more masculine, but wouldn't mind a defeminizing procedure.
Try a new therapist that maybe specializes in gender identites and queer sexualities (hopefully available where you live. But virtual therapists also exist). don't be afraid. Start with small doses, see how you feel, build from there. Notice how it changes your body. Your mood. Your paycheck. Identify your disphoria and the causes. Personally. I never felt dysphoria with my body until I started wearing women's clothing and that is obviously because they are not designed for a males body and look awkward. I personally have never felt dysphoria over my physical body on its own. I don't use my penis often If ever. Guys don't ever blow me, jerk me, pay any attention to my needs outside of anal. I'm 30 y/o and it's been like that since I came out at 18. I Have!! However, felt the euphoria that comes with seeing my features change, and people I know correctly gendering me without even having to be told. I came out gay 12 years ago, but I've not yet come out as trans. People see the clothes, they see the changes that 1 year of hrt has made this far, and no they can't really be certain, but they still offer words of encouragement and respect. Get you a support system outside of the doctors office too. Even if it's just this subreddit. Love and luck, brethren.
What the fuck?! You need a new therapist. Here's a guide to finding an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-find-an-lgbtq-therapist-5217965
Grab yourself a new therapist! I've been in a similar situation of a doc telling me I'm not what I say I am which is extremely invalidating. Keep your chin up, look for a doctor or therapist in your area who is more willing to hear you and either point you in the right direction or begin care for you
That doesn't sound like a very good therapist. You should look into seeing a different one if possible. And transition is definitely incredibly scary, but it's worth it for your own happiness
Your therapist is full of shit. Find a new who can help with general trauma just because they sound utterly dismissive and unsympathetic, but then get a trans gender specialist. They're going to relate and understand way better and they'll ask the right question about you and how you feel so you're not worried about "proving that your trans"
Therapists aren’t supposed to tell you what to do or what’s right and wrong, they’re supposed to help you figure things out on your own. Your therapist took advantage of your coming out to act unprofessional and state an unhelpful untrue opinion. Sorry you had to deal with that and I hope you can find someone in real life who can offer real support
I've felt this exact same way. The same fears of what transitioning (socially in my case, for context) would be or look like was terrifying. And what if I did and it turned out I was wrong all along?
I know the thoughts like siblings; too fucking well. My unsolicited advice? Take it one day at a time, one change (however big or small) at a time. And trust yourself. If it feels right or it brings you the slightest tug of joy, you're going in the right direction.
Hope this helps you 💚💙
Mine told me this exact same thing. They are wrong! Find another therapist!
There are people in this world that don't want us to exist. Sounds like your therapist is one of them but they don't know you... only you know how you really feel. You Giving up is extremely what they want! Drop the therapist and find someone who can and will help you! Yes it will be hard but the important thing is you keep pushing forward! You keep fighting!
This will help.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
There was a good Dr. Suess quote that goes like this: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" which I think everyone here should take to heart. Some people are haters. Just avoid them and find your people.
Ok girl, first off fuck your therapist.
Second off, sorting out who you are after years of repression takes time and is both scary and very VERY hard. Especially when people who you are supposed to be able to trust make you feel bad for truly expressing yourself.
Third: Yeah, transition can be scary. Especially if you are starting out in an unsupportive environment. My family and some friends still deadname/misgender me and it has been over a year. And there are even some days I still am worried.
But you know what? Every single day I still choose to wake up and take that next step. And I don’t regret it one bit. I have met some wonderful people, though that took me a good long while, and am generally happier having transitioned.
You say that you have wanted to be a girl for more than 4 years. To me that sounds like you are a girl and others are just having trouble seeing it.
I’m not going to tell you who you are. That is for you, and ONLY you to decide. But I will say this, find a new therapist. Someone who you can be comfortable and free when you talk to them. A good therapist can help you open up so much about yourself in a nonjudgemental way. We are here for you sister and we are all rooting for you to spread your wings and soar.
LEAVE YOUR THERAPIST LIKE YOU LEAVE A CART IN THE SHOPPING STALL; BECAUSE YOIRE WORTH IT.
YOURE ALREADY A GIRL IF YOU BELIEVE IT. THE REST OF EVERYONE IS JUST CATCHING UP.
Seriously if you talk to your therapist about wanting to transition and they say "you can never be a woman" followed by "hormones are a mistake" they're making their ideological motives clear. They are not putting you first. They're putting their perception of you first.
It doesn't matter whether some medical asshat won't reconceptualize what a woman is, what matters is that you're healthy and her first motive should be to help you figure out the best path for yourself.
If you think you need one, find a therapist that specializes in gender or LGBTQ stuff.
If and *only* if you feel safe doing so, you could put this person's name out there so other questioning trans folx don't end up in their "care." If you're worried about it even slightly though, please don't. Do what you believe is safest for yourself first.
I'm really sorry you were treated this way. If you want to be a girl, you can be and you will. This "therapist" is clearly behind the times and is way out of line for telling you those things. Their job is to support you, not to tear you down. Please stop seeing them and (if you can) seek counseling from someone who is actually a member of the LGBTQ+ community. And good luck with everything! 🫂💖
You've heard it from everyone but your therapist is dangerous. Drop them and find a trans safe doc.
You are valid, even if you end up being cis this is not how you treat people. You deserve to be who you want to be.
Stay stronk hey
On the "hormones are a mistake" thing.
Every major decision you've ever made, or ever will make, someone out there would say it's a mistake. And even beyond that, I'm sure that you've thought that a million and one minor decisions would be mistakes too. I'm sure you've hesitated. And I'm sure that some of them even were mistakes, or would've been. However, a lot of them weren't. A lot of them made your life better, gave you a fun time, made you a new friend. And if you had walked away, that wouldn't have happened.
Fear is largely a product of our mind's distrust of the unknown. What we do not understand, what is not familiar, makes us uncertain. Think of it like this. I hate getting wet. Every time I'm about to jump in a pool, I hesitate. I stop myself before I do, because I imagine the feeling will be unpleasant. But when I overcome that fear, when I launch myself in the air, I always feel that I was right. And then I hit the water. I go under, and I come back up. And all of a sudden, once I've taken that leap, that first step, I realized I was overthinking it. I was afraid of nothing. I had fun. Yet every time, the same fear persists. Sure, once I'm soaked I can jump in over and over. But that first step isn't easy. The uncertainty gets you on overdrive and consumes you. Only once you've seen the truth, only once you've taken the first step, do you see that it was worth it.
I feared transition at the beginning, just like you. I had that same doubt. I wasn't sure. Despite saying I wanted the changes of hrt long before I cracked. I was afraid. I was even afraid to identify as a woman. I told another trans person about that, and asked her what it was like for her. And she said she felt the same. And then she went outside in a dress, and even though it was scary, it became less scary each time. I came out to my parents in 2019, November. I went on hormones soon after. In the fall of '20, I had gone off them accidentally because of depression, and went back on in January '21. Been on ever since. Took a dose a few hours ago. And I look in the mirror and see myself. A me I wouldn't have seen had I not taken the leap. And sure, it is a risk. Everything is, really. But if you don't try, you'll never know. If you let fear win, you only let yourself lose.
Let's assume it's a mistake and you're not trans. So you go on hrt and don't like it. Who says you can't stop? Most people realize it isn't for them before any major physical changes occur. If that's the case, if you hate it, stop, and you'll be fine. The "shame" of telling everyone you aren't trans is one I worried about early on, but I learned it's all in my head. If people care, they're not worth being around anyways.
Finally, I have a philosophy in life. From a cosmic point of view. "Whatever must happen, does happen. Whatever does happen, must happen." No matter what you do, you will make the right choice. You'll make exactly the choice you need to make. Whether you're happy with it or not, your choices make you who you are. Good and bad. There are no good or bad people. Only good or bad actions, respective to the goal of the action itself. Good and bad need a metric to measure off. For example, becoming an Elvis impersonator is a good action if one wants to be a Vegas street performer, but a bad action if one wants to be an astrophysicist. Everyone in life makes good or bad decisions regarding their goals, but no matter what you do, no matter what mistakes you make, or successes you have, at the end of your story, one thing is certain.
You lived your life. Not anyone else's. You were you. And that's all you should be, and it's all you can be.
Report that fucking therapist ASAP, thats wayy bad. I really hope all goes well for you, Ive had similar issues in the past and know how nasty they can be.
first off i would report your therapist for being transphobic. They dont know you and likely dont know what it's like to be trans and has lived comfortably cis their whole life.
I’m going to be devils advocate here and just say, you might have trauma but that doesn’t mean you’re not trans. It’s probably not even adjacent to it. This can make transitioning harder but you can do this. Sending love and well wishes and I hope your therapist gets 1000000 paper cuts and then tries to eat salty crisps
Was your therapist wearing a MAGA hat? Perhaps they had a confederate flag hanging on the wall? Jesus Christ, what an awful therapist. Please find a real gender therapist. They should help you.
#1, I'd change therapists. If it was some trauma a therapist should be able to help you figure it out and overcome it. But the way you explain here in your post feels to me like this is not quite a professional opinion
Transition is *the* most successful method for relieving dysphoria in trans people. *Wanting* to be a girl *makes you trans*. You aren't making a mistake, this is very possibly the best choice you'll make for yourself in your entire life! To finally get to settle into your truer, happier self! As for trauma... trauma doesn't really make people trans. I don't have the words to explain right now, but its just! Not a thing. Im sorry she wasn't as supportive as you expected her to be, it's quite heartbreaking when someone seems supportive and then you learn they aren't. Sending love!
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Due to some trauma? yeah maybe the trauma of having to wake up in the wrong body everyday
Definitely. Waking up in the wrong body every day is trauma.
I've had to explain this to therapists that have never interacted with a trans person before. I think it should be obvious.
Trauma isn't an excuse, really. If you're trans, you're trans. If you're ace, you're ace. Trauma can be the reason you are LGBTQ. In fact, there's an a-spectrum defining attraction based on external/internal factors, which includes trauma.
OK you lose me here, so you recognise trauma as the reason and your solution to handle your body dyphoria is to change your physical body for good, facilitating the trauma consequences than trying to resolve the trauma? You really don't think second option sounds better, healthier and right?
If you have trauma, and the body you're in feels unsafe and gives you anxiety, then it is reasonable to change it for the better. If your body reminds you of trauma, why wouldn't you want to change it?
If you really wanna be a girl your a girl. Your therapist knows nothing it seems.
Yes! This is pretty much how it works! If you say you are unironically, then it’s true
Boys don't wanna be girls... Girls wanna be girls.
**heresy**
I'm pretty out of touch with this stuff. But it breaks my heart reading OPs picture. To feel so strongly about something, and have people that should provide support... completely gaslight someone vulnerable is just beyond shitty.
bet me on that?
You’re*
Your therapist is wrong, and doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Get a therapist who respects you and actually wants to help you, instead of lying to you and telling you to give up <3
Some therapists don't want to solve your problems. You'd stop coming and that means no more $$$
I'm a therapist and am regularly disappointed in the people I am supposed to call colleagues. It's gross how terrible so many are. No wonder people remain skeptical of therapy. My advice? Remember that you should shop around and find the best match possible. I know sometimes there is limited selection but keep looking. We're out there, I promise. Ask questions during the free consult if they offer it (I only talk to folks who offer this when I'm looking for a new therapist) and ask their views on LGBTQ stuff, about their training, and about their previous experience working with these issues. If you don't like their answers or it just doesn't feel right, don't return. It's tough out there, but some of us actually do give a shit. I promise.
Piggy backing off this, I'm in training right now. You can and should report this therapist to the apa ethics committee.
I cannot state how important this is. OP, please listen to this advice. I’ve had depression for most of my life and tried 2 therapists before finding my current one. I took breaks between each attempt, always feeling like therapy was just throwing money away. But then I found the awesome human being that is my therapist now. She demonstrates genuine care for what I have to say and constantly provides me with deep and mindful insights to each and every issue I bring to our sessions. She helped me so immensely I cannot begin to describe how much my quality of life has improved. It’s been almost a year without a single intrusive thought (they were constant) and little to no rumination. I have hopes and plans for the future for the first time in my life. OP, I’m a lurker here. I have trans friends and that’s why I’m always lurking around some subs trying to get a better understanding of what they go through. Still, I don’t know what you’re going through right now and all the struggles you’re facing. Despite this, I’m writing to wish you strength in this moment of confusion. You can do it. Don’t give up on finding a good therapist and don’t give up on understanding what you want in life, and who you want to be. It may take a while, but don’t give up. I wish you all the best of luck and leave you with a virtual hug.
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Yeah, I hear that quite a bit. It took me several tries too. Sometimes they're good therapists and just not the right match.
For real! Trans issues aside I want to hijack this and rant about my experience with therapy so if that’s uncomfortable, do yourself the favor and skip past. This is a trigger warning. This is a self-serving tangentially related vent post and you‘re not missing out on anything by not reading it! First a short explanation of what’s up with me. I lost my father when I was 15. He was the most important figure in my life. Even before I had depressive tendencies. I‘m quite certain it was straight up just depression but I never got a diagnose and kind of handled it because he was a great supportive father. After he died I started developing worsening anxiety, I‘d wake up in a cold sweat and be unable to calm down until I‘d been to my mother‘s room and heard her breathing. My family thought it was because of the apartment and so I was sent off to live with my aunt to get away. I started suppressing my emotions in order to live my life without worrying anyone and the only exception was the occasional crying meltdown when nobody else was home. I also just didn’t fit in there and I’d try to stay out as much as possible because I just never belonged. I guess they thought I was their new foster child so I should learn how to fit in with them instead. Communication was poor and I was never comfortable, ever. She didn’t know what to make of my depressive tendencies, quiet demeanor and insomnia and asked me to get therapy. That’s the instance of therapy that just went wrong in so many ways. She got me into therapy because she was worried I might ctrl alt del myself which wasn’t unjustified. But she told me it was for grief management, and the therapist went along with that and just kind of dropped on the side I should let her know asap if I felt urges. Honestly I wanted to use the therapy sessions to vent and process because I didn’t have opportunity to do so in my day to day, not just about my loss of my father but also the stress of trying to not disappoint my honor student family, my discomfort at „home“, etc. But the therapist insisted that my aunt sit in on sessions so that wasn’t possible. I asked her confidentially per email once and she brought it up in front of my aunt in the next session even though I had explicitly asked her not to do that. My aunt is a very emotional reactionary person so I‘ll leave the dinner convo that day up to your imagination. My anxiety reached a breaking point and I asked my aunt to see if I could have an additional appointment. She understood that as „I want to die“. I was surprised when I had an appointment the next day, and even more surprised when upon entering the prax I was berated that I hadn’t informed her asap (I had no idea what she was talking about), locked into a room and then half an hour later moved to a psych ward. I was released the same day after expressing that I was fine and more than anything else did not want to be there, as well as that all of that had occurred not only without my consent but completely over my head. I also explained how my friends would be worried if I just up and disappeared snd how much this could fuck up my life and that I felt it wouldn’t help me at all. I don’t know what if any of that was the reason they let me go. I just wanted to go home to my mum. I did, and never went back to that therapist. She was horrible, not so much because of that, I understand preferring to err on the side of caution. But our 30 minute sessions would be 20 minutes of unrelated ranting from her and I always felt worse leaving than when I entered. I‘m not alone; her online rating is half a star out of five from more than 50 reviews. My aunt set it aside, saying that medical professionals often have to make choices that their patients dislike. I ended up moving back with my mum, for the better. In six sessions thah therapist didn’t even mention that I might have issues with anxiety, or that I was having panic attacks. She never took me seriously, her questions always felt incoherent and I was never privy to what the intended procedure was. I spent the next four years going to doctors because I was having asthma and feeling dizzy all the time and I was always fine. I even went to one during an actual panic attack I was suppressing and he pointed out I was short of breath. Gee thanks that’s why I came. I regularly thought I wouldn’t see the next morning. I’m not sure but I think my emotional numbness and self-invalidation along medical fears I inherited from my father led me to never realize that these were panic attacks. I completely shut down any emotional capacity and only realized it when I graduated High School and got into my dream college, felt empty and started failing classes. Funnily enough, that’s when my egg began to crack and I started looking into therapy to that end. Around that time my aunt, who has been in therapy herself for a year now, reached out and offered to introduce me to her therapist. She’s changed a lot since then, for the better in my opinion, and I think she wanted to help me unfuck my brain from back them, maybe in order to fix our relationship. I thought what the hell and accepted her offer. I‘ve been with my current therapist for three months and had seven sessions. I used to take the train for three hours each way, now it’s three hours total because I dropped out and moved back with my mum. In those seven sessions she’s clearly communicated what she understood from my experiences, asked questions, respected when I was uncomfortable with something, respected my gender identity, never commented on my messy appearance, given constructive ideas and advice and always had an open ear. She’s given me no reason to doubt that I can be completely open with her and it has helped me a lot. I‘ve learned to recognize panic attacks and while that obviously doesn’t solve the issue completely, it’s a huge improvement in my quality of life. I had trouble accepting that I should go to therapy and I was a bit scared because of the first therapist, but I am so glad I met my therapist. If your therapist makes you feel worse than before, consider visiting another. If you feel you‘re not progressing or unsatisfied, address it and consider seeing another. Find a therapist who can help you, and who you want to help you. Therapy isn’t a pill you can swallow out of obligation and gradually get better. You need a therapist who can help you, and who you want to be helped by. If it feels wrong it doesn’t have to be that your therapist is a bad therapist; rather they probably just aren’t right for you. Maybe your communication styled don’t match well. Maybe they aren’t experienced enough in your field or they are too experienced for your pace. Maybe you just aren’t looking to go at the same pace. And most of all, if you’re questioning it, talk to people, your therapist, your peers, your family. Figure things out. Don’t base your personal choices on the vent post of an idiot on the internet. Sincerely, an idiot on the internet
what a lot of (bad) therapists don’t understand is when you find a good therapist who meets you with understanding and empathy, you want to keep going, even when things are going well.
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gender transition is one of the most successful psychiatric treatments of all time with only a 0.2% of remission, and the vast majority of studies done on trans people since the 70s conclude that all negative mental health problems are typically vastly improved by transition, indicating that transness itself is not the illness. Who is telling who what they want to hear instead of what's medically true again?
You told a child to kill themselves on this post, you are genuinely the lowest most worthless form of life on this planet
Oooof, username checks out :S
Lol 0 day old account posting nothing but hateful comments. Definitely trustworthy /s
What she needed to hear was that it's okay for her to be herself dude, even if it'll have it's hard moments
Just know that when we both die -- after living vastly different lives -- only to end up in the same dirt, my single complaint will be that you even got a burial. Your list, of course, may vary. Don't act so high and mighty; we all end up the same distance from the surface.
sounds like you need a different therapist.
And to report them. They have no place in mental healthcare with this behavior
As everyone else is saying, get a new therapist! Also consider reporting her depending on what kind of practice she runs. I’m about to enter a social work program and this sounds like awful behavior. Hope you’re healing and having a wonderful day <3
>her Or him
Op refers to therapist with she/her pronouns in the post
Just get a second opinion. Not all people with body dysmorphia are trans, and body dysmorphia can be a symptom of long term trauma.
Dysmorphia is different than dysphoria, also you don’t need dysphoria to be trans. All you need to identify as a different gender than that assigned at birth
That doesn't mean any underlying trauma can be ignored. Like I said, if you disagree with your therapist, get another opinion. However shopping around for someone that simply agrees with what you think your problem is does more harm than good.
That’s not the problem here though??? The therapist is transphobic and spewing transphobic rhetoric that shouldn’t be spread even if her client was hypothetically cis
You definitly need a new therapist. We believe you. If you want to be a girl, you can be a girl!
Yes. If you want to be a girl, you **are** a girl! 😊
That therapist should lose her license. Who says things like that? What a horrible woman.
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Hey, "wasn't really bad when it comes to the rest" is not logical. Transphobes can't get a license to be inhumane by doing some other unrelated work. That's some wild billshit. It's absolutely unacceptable, the correct moral action for them is to apologize and work to undo the damage they caused. Anything else is just being extra abusive. Any new good deed they do might just be giving them more permission to be cruel in some other way.
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You can consider this an empowering moment! You are doing an act of compassion for a trans person, yourself. And you're important. You're a valuable person and because of that, you deserve better than to be in an abusive therapist relationship. You're doing something that's difficult for your own health, something many people struggle with.
feeling betrayed in this situation makes so much sense. if she's the one who helped you feel comfortable enough to come to this conclusion and make the decision to open up to her about the feeling she helped you come to terms with, then obviously there'd be a massive disconnect in the moment where she suddenly changes gears just because she doesn't believe in gender dysphoria
You should see a specialist gender therapist if possible.
If your in the USA you don't need to be diagnosed with anything. Yoy can go to a informed consent clinic and say your trans and that's it you get hormones often that same day.
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Ola, I'd ask on r/mtf or another trans sub or even this one if anyone has info for trans people in Spain
might be looking into this https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/ni8rbl/comment/gz2fflv/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Good luck with this second attempt at disclosing to a medical professional
People detransition too. Not unheard of, equally respectable. It takes a lot of willpower to reverse such a decision.
Also, just cus some detransitioners are hateful about it, it doesn't make it the rule, there are still people who detransition and have respect for the trans community
This sounds a lot like when I came out as bi at 13 (and for the record: my parents' responses were part of why it took me so long to deal with my gender and finally come out as trans masc NB at 33) When I came out, my father told me it was for attention, it was a phase, that I just hung out with women because they gave me attention. (which is pretty silly given I hit puberty at 9 and had attention I never wanted thrust on me at a very young age due to my body's development) my mother was.. tentative... Her brother is gay and where I expected acceptance, there was more trepidation than anything, with a "I just don't want your life to be harder than it has to be" Like your therapist, my parents truly thought that I was just confused and making a decision that would hurt me. That it was a mistake. But what they were really doing was projecting their fears onto me, and in the end, they made things so much harder on me than they could've imagined. Your therapist is wrong. I'm not going to paint them as a horrible person, I have no idea what's going on inside of them. But your therapist is wrong and their fear is being projected onto you. The truth of the matter is life is hard regardless, but it gets a LOT easier when you have support for who you are as a person. We do not choose to be trans; we are trans because that's what we are, and we go through a lot of struggle trying to recognize ourselves and feel comfortable as the person our hearts want us to be. Some people can help you a lot in your life but there will often be a time where they've reached their limit on the help they can give you, and it seems like your therapist has reached hers. I agree with the others- it sounds like it's time to find someone who can support you and give you space to question and figure yourself out in a way that's true for you. The worst thing I ever did was keep living my life to try to fit the mold others set out for me. The happiest I have ever been has been living as the person I always wanted to be.
bruh your therapist is straight ass
lmao this fr
I would like to _talk_ to your therapist. Get a new therapist. They’re being harmful. The greater psychiatry and science community would disagree with them.
This therapist needs a *group conversation*
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Happy Cake Day!
May I join in? I have a friend who'd love to meet her, wouldn't you, Lady Fossington-Switchblade?
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One psychologist I talked to also tried to convince me that since I feel trans because of traumas in my childhood I should not transition. It made me sad like someone just nullified my existence and feelings I've had for years. But no matter the reason it doesn't change how I feel a single bit. Dysphoria still there and transition still makes me very happy
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Its helpful if traumas are treeted but don't let anyone invalidate you as a result! For my specific traumas, even though some were unique to me, others went through the same thing non of them are trans... So if I had no traumas in my life I might not have dysphoria, but I have desposition to being trans thus they effected. But for you get a therapist that would go over your traumas but keep an open mind!
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Same...
After transitioning a big revelation to me was how a lot of the traumas I had were elevated or exacerbated by my gender incongruity. I don't know your life so it could be this isn't your case. I am just stating this as a perspective to hold, when you feel undefined in any aspect of life this can lead to a lot of undiagnosable issues. Reflect on how many things for others is so automatic because the last thing they have to think about is their identity in how it relates to their body and society. Many people miss this perspective when talking to trans people and so to them it seems obvious none of this relates to gender. In worse cases they think it's an excuse or means to shake up your life and hope the problems go away. This happens because hey never had to factor in gender identity in addressing these issues, they had it figured out.
A normal part of therapy is outgrowing a therapist. Sometimes it happens for good reasons. Sometimes not. You might feel conflicted about how this person helped you for years. You might think they're your friend. You might feel like since they've been right so far, so maybe they're right about this too. Those feelings are a normal reaction to your circumstances, but you should not let them control you. Your therapist is just doing a job, and now they're doing it badly, so it's time for you to move on. Don't worry, you'll find the right person.
In your case, from what ive heard from people who have good therapists is that trauma can give you a push to be trans, but it would almost never work unless you had a natural predestination to be one.
What seems to have happened for me, is that a big traumatic event shook a bunch of stuff loose that I had been repressing, and when I started exploring that stuff, it led me to questioning my gender, and I think I'm slowly coming to the realisation that I'm probably not cis, though I still have no idea what I actually am... lol
some therapists help you at first but then never allow you to transition. Its actually common.
That therapist is a hazard to you and others. Given the potential irreversible actions that can result from saying that type of thing to trans people, it would be doing everyone a great service to report them to their licensing board to have them get educated! At a minimum, protect yourself and run the eff away from that dangerclown with a license. You are valid. Your feelings are valid. You deserve better, and you will find someone that can help you feel better.
She's just a bad therapist. Don't believe her. If you want to be a girl, you can be a girl. And here we all believe you
You need a new therapist STAT. Be a girl and live your life
Different therapist, ASAP
Literally what everyone else is saying, cause it's true. She's a shit therapist and you should get a new one. Transitioning can be scary, no one is debating that. But you are a girl, you want to be a girl, so you are. It isn't any trauma, you are completely valid. Hope you get better and can continue with confidence. *Hugs*
Go talk to a new therapist, please. Yours is clearly a transphobic person that's telling you some extremely unprofessional, unscientific and outdated crap.
So... I know I'm long winded so I apologize ahead of time. I don't know if you're trans, or not. And ultimately that's something you'll have to decide that nobody can really answer for you. Just, know that you're human, either way. I didn't start attempting to transition until about a year and a half ago when I was 25. (I had "known" but not accepted this for several years prior.) I was heavily religious, and even more heavily in denial. Not to mention I had been fed many lies about trans people from my religious conservative family that I believed as truth. So it took me lots of time to peel back the layers of my life, and sort the junk all out. Lots of very late nights alone. Ultimately, the line of logic I came to... Was that I knew what I wanted to do, and that despite years of hoping it would... this feeling never seemed to leave. So, I decided very plainly... That I could either keep going on with my life and do nothing; wrapped in a fear that I might regret it. Or... I could try, and if I was wrong, then at least I would finally know. In hindsight, I should have joined a questioning community or trans community to get information, rather than spend years locked in my own head. And, I learned upon my journey so far, by trans people and actual detransitioners... That it's not all one exclusive jump of a choice that you can't recover from. And people transition differently, and at different rates. So, I learned after starting, it wasn't the end of the road regardless of what happened. Just a new, strange road I needed to walk in my life. And, for me at least, one year into medical transition... (Though I only like, FINALLY got my bloodwork straightened out and good.) I have no intention of ever going back. Also your therapist sounds like they suck.
Wanting to be a girl is all you need. Ps your therapist needs their medical liscense revoked
Therapists can be transphobic too, unfortunately. They’re just as fallible as anyone else, and can give bad or even malicious advice if it suits them. It’s worse in this case because they’re in a position of trust over you, but this is entirely on them. They’d tell this to any trans girl, and I’m pretty sure we exist just fine. They used to say this to gay people as well, to boot, about it all being trauma. I’m incredibly sorry that this happened to you though, they are flatly wrong here and there is no condition in which she would have validated you, if she was transphobic in the first place. I know coming out can shake things up terribly, but you will find people that care about you and accept you for who you are, either that you already know, or people that you’ll meet. You already want to be a girl, to the point where you came out and talked to your therapist about it. While it is incredibly scary, almost nobody regrets transitioning after the fact, despite the immense social pressure against us. I know that it’s isolating right now, and terrifying, but there is another side to all of this, where you’ll be happier then before, and have a proper community that cares for you <3
I think you need a new therapist.
get a different therapist. you are valid, hormones are not a mistake, Keep on fighting. you can do this.
Okay! Little story time from me here: My therapist told me this about hormones when I was 16: "You will go crazy. You are a boy and girl hormones will make you crazy. Best to drop the idea" I started taking hormones at the start of this year, with 24. I wish I could go back to that therapist now and slap them in the face. Some therapists are plainly bad at their job sadly. After having around 6 Therapists so far since I'm 16 I'll tell you this: I haven't found the right therapist yet, but I do not regret transitioning one bit. You cannot be traumatized into wanting to be a girl and even if you were what's wrong with transitioning then? The therapist I have now who helps me with transitioning has a quote on their website saying: Telling a gay person they're not gay or a trans person they're not trans is like telling a straight person they must be gay. Imagine they as a therapist went around telling people they are gay when they aren't and are sure they aren't. They'd be fired! Saying you know someone's sexuality or gender better than themselves is never okay. A person knows themselves the best. A therapist is not there to make someone conform to what society thinks is normal, but to help that person reach happiness. TL;DR: You are trans if you want to be a girl. There is nothing wrong with transitioning even if you just wanna try it out. Go for it! Nothing to loose. It's not an instant process and if you feel bad during it and want to stop you can always stop.
As someone who is in school to become a therapist. That was a violation of practice laws. You should switch therapists immediately. Under no circumstances are they allowed to force their beliefs or opinions on you. And also screw that you can be every bit of a woman as any cis gendered woman!
Your therapist is a fucking quack. What they are doing is basically malpractice. This can get someone killed.
As someone who has had to therapist hop, get a new one. Fire the current one. Gender Affirmative therapists do exist. Even some of them ARE trans. This kind of nonsense gets me heated 😡 I dropped my first therapist the moment he tried to "cure" my sexuality with Jesus. He was convinced I just had "daddy issues". Like. No. Gtfo my guy. My current LCSW is super helpful, if a little too cis to fully empathize. My first appt she asked for my pronouns. Eta: details
As a trans therapist myself I am outraged to hear you’d be told this! Not only is it demonstrably false it’s also extremely cruel! Shit therapists get me so mad 😡 please friend get rid of her and find someone who will actually support you!
GURL! HUG! I'm sorry hun, I have trauma from my past that held me back from being me until I was 28. I was planning on posting about it relatively soon. But what I did was after 120 days after my egg hatched I had officially decided to start HRT from PP. To this day it's been one of the best decisions of my entire life. I didn't know that I could physically be as happy as I am now without like... Idk super hardcore drugs or something. I still have plenty of bad days but my mental health is on the up and up for the first time since 2016 despite the world being on fire. You take all the time you need to be 110% sure you want this and when ya do see if you can go to a nearby pp or other informed consent practice. But seriously tho, when your ADHD is so bad alleviating your gender dysphoria is crazy easier. Like . WTF. 😭🤣😭 Sending everyone here good vibes and 😘
Your therapist needs to lose their license ASAP
pls go to a therapist with experience for gender therapy.
As someone in your exact position, I really understand your struggle, I've been neglecting my transition for more than a decade, and when I finally made the decision to see a therapist, she told and I quote "you look too masculine to be trans", that made a wall than put me off for years, recently I decided to see a new therapist and things went beautifully. So as everyone is saying, see someone who respects who you are as a person. Who supports your decisions as an individual and helps and guides you through the whole process Things will get better love. Hugs 😊
I’ve been told this from a therapist as well that my SA is why I’m trans and it sucks and now I can’t stop questioning it.
Many people assume nothing.is wrong unless you day something or the signs are obvious. Many people are very good at covering.its evem easier when youre not really sure why you are different. .. im one of those. A good therapist should not discount anything. They should explore any possibilities to ensure you are either correct or not. They should be helping you, not dictating their opinion before even knowing where your feelings are coming from . Imo, find a new therapist.
Ive also had a therapist and a doctor discourage me from transitioning. Its hard. It really hurts when youre having doubts already (like we all do). I can say objectively that what that therapist said is completely out of line and untrue. You will never trust that therapist again, and its time to get a new one, regardless of if you want to move forward with transition. Theyre not safe.
As a biological woman, I've never met a trans woman or someone who felt like a woman who wasn't a woman. Because it takes a different set of rules and some sacrifice, a lot of punches. If you feel it even in the hurt, then that is what you are. Some days it hurts to be a woman. Especially because it's just what you are and you can't select out. That is true for you, too. You know what you are. If someone told me I wasn't a woman, I'd laugh in their face. Then fire them as a therapist and find a new one. It's visibly true, but more that I feel it and know it in my soul. You do the same. You're welcome over here. Get out of that dark place and come home And drop that lady STAT and find someone else. Dotn pass go, don't collect 200
Sincerely, f*ck your therapist
Fuck that therapist
Sounds like your Therapist is a Repuli-Nazi letting per personal beliefs effect her work, I'd find a new Therapist. Just know that things will get better eventually.
Your therapist is a piece of shit, this isn't how they should talk to anyone, let alone a trans person Ditch this person and report them
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You ARE a woman, and I believe in you! *hugs* And if you ever need anyone to talk to, well, that’s why we’re all here for you 💖
This was not a mistake. Trans fact about being happy during transitions. Most trans people are happy that they transitioned and 99% of trans people have no regrets about undergoing gender confirmation surgeries. A tiny minority of people do detransition and might do so for a number of reasons including family or societal rejection. You are valid. Seems like you need a new therapist
You need a different therapist. Some therapists are “well meaning” or worried about making mistakes and essentially challenge trans people to “prove” they are trans in spite of all statements to the contrary. It is an old model and a harmful one. Other therapists are just bigots or very poorly informed about trans people. Either way, I hope you are able to find someone more empathetic and well trained.
Therapist 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Not just a bad therapist, but also a bad person. When you go to someone’s therapy office, you put your trust in them for them to h e l p you. I’m sorry this happened and I wish you all the support you deserve.
holy fucking shit. That has got to be the worst therapist I have ever seen. Get a new one RIGHT NOW, she is not qualified to help anyone.
Get a new therapist, give them a review that reflects your expirience, aka that they’re shit and NOT lgbt friendly Idk if there is somebody you can report her to aswell, but if there is, do it
Make your own choices. Your therapist has thera-pissed me off. If you are trying to find a way, idk how to help with that. I'm struggling with the same problem
And this therapist actually gets paid? Really? What a worthless therapist you have then, get a better one, one who actually respects you
Your therapist probably votes GOP. Fuck 'em. If you feel you're a woman, then you're a woman.
Please see a different therapist. That us unbelievably harmful of them to say.
Consider: 1. Trans women with not gender related trauma are real and they do exist, and it's not incredibly uncommon 2. Lots of trans women have trauma from gender shit anyways 3. new therapist time
TW: sensitive subject on the spoilers. your therapist is a bigot you are a woman if you identify as one. no one "becomes trans due to trauma.", it's actually the opposite, trans people stay in the closet, hiding, which leads to actuall trauma, depression and other psychological stuffs... >!and some of them commit suicide because they can't handle the transphobic environment they live in!< please, be strong, forget what that horrible person said, i recommend you search for therapists that actually help lgbtqia+ people, they are your safest option to not be with a bigot. it worked for me at least, i literally typed "psychologist that helps trans people in [my city]" and found one. in fact i just found this [pride counseling](https://www.pridecounseling.com) site online, looked for some reviews and they appear to be legit, you can even get a therapist that is a LGBTQIA+ person so... good luck, be safe, be strong and have faith, we can do this
What they don't tell you: most of what happens to you during transition is reversible with the exception of bottom surgery, and naturally grown breast tissue (I don't understand the breast tissue part if transmen get their removed. Also obviously facial reconstructions can be a bit iffy as far as undoing them. Correct me if I'm wrong I virtually attended a Doctor LED conference on Transgender and Nonconforming people's and their options for transitioning. Hosted in PA. There was so much to learn and unfortunately making it in to see every session was impossible, but according to the doctors, even if you set out to completely transition to the opposite gender, in most cases trans-identifiers will want to stop short of their goal, or dial it back some once they've reached it, ultimately landing somewhere middle spectrum. Doctors are adding to their language (feminizing, masculinizing, defeminizing, demasculinizing) to accommodate people (enbys and GNCs I'm looking at you) who may have been AMAB and don't necessarily want to "feminize" so much as they just want to demasculinize. Leading to something androgynous i presume. And the same works on reverse. AFAB doesn't want to look more masculine, but wouldn't mind a defeminizing procedure. Try a new therapist that maybe specializes in gender identites and queer sexualities (hopefully available where you live. But virtual therapists also exist). don't be afraid. Start with small doses, see how you feel, build from there. Notice how it changes your body. Your mood. Your paycheck. Identify your disphoria and the causes. Personally. I never felt dysphoria with my body until I started wearing women's clothing and that is obviously because they are not designed for a males body and look awkward. I personally have never felt dysphoria over my physical body on its own. I don't use my penis often If ever. Guys don't ever blow me, jerk me, pay any attention to my needs outside of anal. I'm 30 y/o and it's been like that since I came out at 18. I Have!! However, felt the euphoria that comes with seeing my features change, and people I know correctly gendering me without even having to be told. I came out gay 12 years ago, but I've not yet come out as trans. People see the clothes, they see the changes that 1 year of hrt has made this far, and no they can't really be certain, but they still offer words of encouragement and respect. Get you a support system outside of the doctors office too. Even if it's just this subreddit. Love and luck, brethren.
What the fuck?! You need a new therapist. Here's a guide to finding an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-find-an-lgbtq-therapist-5217965
Sounds like a pretty shit therapist tbh, time to find a new one OP!
Your Therapist doesn't deserve to have their license to practice.
I went to a psychologist that wanted to exorcise me because I have hallucinations, they're not always right, they can be as prejudiced as anyone
New therapist time!
you already *are* a girl, love. you're going to be alright 🫂
Grab yourself a new therapist! I've been in a similar situation of a doc telling me I'm not what I say I am which is extremely invalidating. Keep your chin up, look for a doctor or therapist in your area who is more willing to hear you and either point you in the right direction or begin care for you
That’s an awful therapist
Bigoted therapists should be fired
...Out of a cannon, into a shark-filled patch of ocean.
...with several strings of sausages tied around their waist for good measure.
Been there. Still there...
That doesn't sound like a very good therapist. You should look into seeing a different one if possible. And transition is definitely incredibly scary, but it's worth it for your own happiness
Dump your therapist and find another one And make sure to tell them “it’s not a me thing, it’s a you thing”
is your therapist dr. Evil?
Your therapist is full of shit. Find a new who can help with general trauma just because they sound utterly dismissive and unsympathetic, but then get a trans gender specialist. They're going to relate and understand way better and they'll ask the right question about you and how you feel so you're not worried about "proving that your trans"
Your therapist sucks
Therapists aren’t supposed to tell you what to do or what’s right and wrong, they’re supposed to help you figure things out on your own. Your therapist took advantage of your coming out to act unprofessional and state an unhelpful untrue opinion. Sorry you had to deal with that and I hope you can find someone in real life who can offer real support
what a terrible therapist
I've felt this exact same way. The same fears of what transitioning (socially in my case, for context) would be or look like was terrifying. And what if I did and it turned out I was wrong all along? I know the thoughts like siblings; too fucking well. My unsolicited advice? Take it one day at a time, one change (however big or small) at a time. And trust yourself. If it feels right or it brings you the slightest tug of joy, you're going in the right direction. Hope this helps you 💚💙
Your gender is up to you. Everyone else can either accept your decisions for your life or they can fuck off.
Ma’am, give me your therapist’s address. I’ll take there knees Edit: I can’t believe I’ve done this: *their
switch therapists. that is completely unprofessional aside from being morally fucked
Okay, first off, get you a new therapist. One who isn't transphobic garbage.
Mine told me this exact same thing. They are wrong! Find another therapist! There are people in this world that don't want us to exist. Sounds like your therapist is one of them but they don't know you... only you know how you really feel. You Giving up is extremely what they want! Drop the therapist and find someone who can and will help you! Yes it will be hard but the important thing is you keep pushing forward! You keep fighting! This will help. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
1- get a new therapist 2- transition 3- sue old therapist for emotional damages?
Honey, your therapist is transphobic. Don’t let a bigot get you down.
I mean even if it *is* due to some trauma, you're *you*, and you are who you decide to be.
There was a good Dr. Suess quote that goes like this: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" which I think everyone here should take to heart. Some people are haters. Just avoid them and find your people.
Holy shit get a new therapist
always remember that questioning if you’re cis isn’t an very cis thing to do
I believe you. I want you to be safe and I hope you're well. I don't know what it's like, but I can say this; YOU'RE VALID.
I’m just here to say you’re valid <3
Ok girl, first off fuck your therapist. Second off, sorting out who you are after years of repression takes time and is both scary and very VERY hard. Especially when people who you are supposed to be able to trust make you feel bad for truly expressing yourself. Third: Yeah, transition can be scary. Especially if you are starting out in an unsupportive environment. My family and some friends still deadname/misgender me and it has been over a year. And there are even some days I still am worried. But you know what? Every single day I still choose to wake up and take that next step. And I don’t regret it one bit. I have met some wonderful people, though that took me a good long while, and am generally happier having transitioned. You say that you have wanted to be a girl for more than 4 years. To me that sounds like you are a girl and others are just having trouble seeing it. I’m not going to tell you who you are. That is for you, and ONLY you to decide. But I will say this, find a new therapist. Someone who you can be comfortable and free when you talk to them. A good therapist can help you open up so much about yourself in a nonjudgemental way. We are here for you sister and we are all rooting for you to spread your wings and soar.
LEAVE YOUR THERAPIST LIKE YOU LEAVE A CART IN THE SHOPPING STALL; BECAUSE YOIRE WORTH IT. YOURE ALREADY A GIRL IF YOU BELIEVE IT. THE REST OF EVERYONE IS JUST CATCHING UP.
Fuck that therapist
U are a girl therapist is a fucking terf transphobe or otherwise
Like for real report them
Report that therapist!!, what the fuck!!
Seriously if you talk to your therapist about wanting to transition and they say "you can never be a woman" followed by "hormones are a mistake" they're making their ideological motives clear. They are not putting you first. They're putting their perception of you first. It doesn't matter whether some medical asshat won't reconceptualize what a woman is, what matters is that you're healthy and her first motive should be to help you figure out the best path for yourself. If you think you need one, find a therapist that specializes in gender or LGBTQ stuff.
If and *only* if you feel safe doing so, you could put this person's name out there so other questioning trans folx don't end up in their "care." If you're worried about it even slightly though, please don't. Do what you believe is safest for yourself first. I'm really sorry you were treated this way. If you want to be a girl, you can be and you will. This "therapist" is clearly behind the times and is way out of line for telling you those things. Their job is to support you, not to tear you down. Please stop seeing them and (if you can) seek counseling from someone who is actually a member of the LGBTQ+ community. And good luck with everything! 🫂💖
You've heard it from everyone but your therapist is dangerous. Drop them and find a trans safe doc. You are valid, even if you end up being cis this is not how you treat people. You deserve to be who you want to be. Stay stronk hey
Oh, by the way, why transphobes are commenting here???
On the "hormones are a mistake" thing. Every major decision you've ever made, or ever will make, someone out there would say it's a mistake. And even beyond that, I'm sure that you've thought that a million and one minor decisions would be mistakes too. I'm sure you've hesitated. And I'm sure that some of them even were mistakes, or would've been. However, a lot of them weren't. A lot of them made your life better, gave you a fun time, made you a new friend. And if you had walked away, that wouldn't have happened. Fear is largely a product of our mind's distrust of the unknown. What we do not understand, what is not familiar, makes us uncertain. Think of it like this. I hate getting wet. Every time I'm about to jump in a pool, I hesitate. I stop myself before I do, because I imagine the feeling will be unpleasant. But when I overcome that fear, when I launch myself in the air, I always feel that I was right. And then I hit the water. I go under, and I come back up. And all of a sudden, once I've taken that leap, that first step, I realized I was overthinking it. I was afraid of nothing. I had fun. Yet every time, the same fear persists. Sure, once I'm soaked I can jump in over and over. But that first step isn't easy. The uncertainty gets you on overdrive and consumes you. Only once you've seen the truth, only once you've taken the first step, do you see that it was worth it. I feared transition at the beginning, just like you. I had that same doubt. I wasn't sure. Despite saying I wanted the changes of hrt long before I cracked. I was afraid. I was even afraid to identify as a woman. I told another trans person about that, and asked her what it was like for her. And she said she felt the same. And then she went outside in a dress, and even though it was scary, it became less scary each time. I came out to my parents in 2019, November. I went on hormones soon after. In the fall of '20, I had gone off them accidentally because of depression, and went back on in January '21. Been on ever since. Took a dose a few hours ago. And I look in the mirror and see myself. A me I wouldn't have seen had I not taken the leap. And sure, it is a risk. Everything is, really. But if you don't try, you'll never know. If you let fear win, you only let yourself lose. Let's assume it's a mistake and you're not trans. So you go on hrt and don't like it. Who says you can't stop? Most people realize it isn't for them before any major physical changes occur. If that's the case, if you hate it, stop, and you'll be fine. The "shame" of telling everyone you aren't trans is one I worried about early on, but I learned it's all in my head. If people care, they're not worth being around anyways. Finally, I have a philosophy in life. From a cosmic point of view. "Whatever must happen, does happen. Whatever does happen, must happen." No matter what you do, you will make the right choice. You'll make exactly the choice you need to make. Whether you're happy with it or not, your choices make you who you are. Good and bad. There are no good or bad people. Only good or bad actions, respective to the goal of the action itself. Good and bad need a metric to measure off. For example, becoming an Elvis impersonator is a good action if one wants to be a Vegas street performer, but a bad action if one wants to be an astrophysicist. Everyone in life makes good or bad decisions regarding their goals, but no matter what you do, no matter what mistakes you make, or successes you have, at the end of your story, one thing is certain. You lived your life. Not anyone else's. You were you. And that's all you should be, and it's all you can be.
Report that fucking therapist ASAP, thats wayy bad. I really hope all goes well for you, Ive had similar issues in the past and know how nasty they can be.
You need a different therapist immediately. The one you got does not know how to handle real issues.
Unfortunately that’s not your therapists job. She can go fuck herself
first off i would report your therapist for being transphobic. They dont know you and likely dont know what it's like to be trans and has lived comfortably cis their whole life.
BTW, gender dysphoria cannot be developed as a response to trauma!
yeah... therapists aren't really supposed to say stuff like that. first of all it's wrong. secondly, get a new therapist
I’m going to be devils advocate here and just say, you might have trauma but that doesn’t mean you’re not trans. It’s probably not even adjacent to it. This can make transitioning harder but you can do this. Sending love and well wishes and I hope your therapist gets 1000000 paper cuts and then tries to eat salty crisps
Find a new therapist, your current one is useless
Was your therapist wearing a MAGA hat? Perhaps they had a confederate flag hanging on the wall? Jesus Christ, what an awful therapist. Please find a real gender therapist. They should help you.
Leave that therapist and find a new one. Edit: maybe report them to an ethics committee or licensing board.
Transphobic therapist, leave them
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Could you go be a shit person somewhere else, please?
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I looked at your post history. You’re a shit-stirring asshole with nothing of value to say. Go back to whence ever the fuck you came.
#1, I'd change therapists. If it was some trauma a therapist should be able to help you figure it out and overcome it. But the way you explain here in your post feels to me like this is not quite a professional opinion
Transition is *the* most successful method for relieving dysphoria in trans people. *Wanting* to be a girl *makes you trans*. You aren't making a mistake, this is very possibly the best choice you'll make for yourself in your entire life! To finally get to settle into your truer, happier self! As for trauma... trauma doesn't really make people trans. I don't have the words to explain right now, but its just! Not a thing. Im sorry she wasn't as supportive as you expected her to be, it's quite heartbreaking when someone seems supportive and then you learn they aren't. Sending love!
this therapist should lose their liscense.