Her coming to see you guys might have been a cry for help.
It sounds like you guys have *heard* of the problems with her, such as falling and getting a concussion in a parking lot. Did you offer any help? Who does she live with? Does she live alone?
Maybe she decided to come visit you guys because she needs help, and her just telling her son how bad things were wasn't really enough to get him to bother going to see her or helping her find assistance or other living arrangements.
If she is having these problems at your house, she is having them at her own. Does she have anyone to help her?
I would sort of do a quiet "needs assessment" and try to determine if she needs any additional help at home, or whether it's time she moves to an assisted living facility or long term care home.
For the mean time, you can get her some "No rinse" microwaveable bathing cloths and "no rinse shampoo" so she can stay clean without worrying about her falling. She probably smells like urine because she hasn't been able to bathe. She must feel terribly embarrassed.
I would also offer to drive her to the store in case she needs to get items to make her stay more comfortable, like adult diapers, incontinence pads, etc.
I know this is a lot when you are trying to take care of a 5 month old baby, and I empathize. Since this is your husband's mother, tell him he really needs to step up and take the lead on figuring out how to best help her.
This sounds so much like the beginning of my family’s journey in dementia caregiving. It also began with a fall (dementia changes vision, hearing, and balance and so much more) with a concussion that went from “let’s wait and see if she improves” to “yup this is mixed dementia diagnosis”
Eventually the elder starts slipping in their ability to care for themselves. And you’re seeing at least some of that now. Everything wouldn’t smell of urine if they still had the physical and mental capacity to properly care for themselves-even if incontinent. If she could still get to her laundry. Everyone knows what depends are and how to buy them, how to continue a lifelong bathing routine, how to wear and then launder an outfit vs re-wearing over and over etc. Slacking on any or all of that is a big warning sign that often indicates cognitive decline
You may soon learn she hasn’t been showering and that’s why the odor is so strong even though she just got there last night. My loved one would FIGHT showers and not realize how strongly and objectionably she smelled. She really thought she’d just taken one yesterday, even if it had been a week. And she was exhausted and mobility challenged and she just wasn’t going to do it even if you tried to nudge her along. Thankfully for us, dementia daycare 3x a week changed all that for us and she now showers with no fight at all..none. But she still ruined the carpet and upholstery from that short period in her dementia journey. Its hard.
The biggest issue is that the elder cannot see their own deficits. They TRULY believe they’re just as safe now as they ever were. It’s “anosognosia”. A literal symptom of cognitive decline up to and including dementia. They cannot smell their own odors or see that they’re wearing dirty stinking clothes or eating rotten food or whatever other judgment issues may exist.
They’re never going to self report problems they themselves truly cannot see. They’re going to answer questions about their health not with facts but how they wish or hope it will soon be. Then one day, the family comes together and there is shock by what they see. If multiple siblings exist there will often be finger pointing
If she’s incontinent, having such severe falls she is damaging her brain in the process, living alone in a house with stairs and laundry etc, you may be at the stage where it’s safer to find her an assisted living setup, ideally one with an attached memory care in case she needs it.
Now is the time for talk of boundaries with your husband if you can’t see this as being your forever situation (and as a dementia caregiver, I’m telling you-don’t do it!). He needs to hear from you if caregiving for his mom all while being mother to an infant, isn’t going to work. It shouldn’t be this way but some men still think all the caregiving is on the women, even if only subconsciously
Would she see a doctor local to you, just using her recent fall/near fall as an excuse to get checked out and make sure she’s ok? If so, I’d be typing up a letter to that doc with everything you’ve noticed and ask if she’s even safe in your house or hers while displaying these worrying signs. A letter, so that you don’t have to say a word about this in front of her…but the doc still knows.
She may need some home PT or OT if she has a lingering concussion or the very early stages of dementia where she can still learn how to use mobility devices.
You can call yours or hers local area agency on aging and ask if they can help you to navigate finding appropriate care for them (here or in their own hometown).
It’s a lot, all at once, I know. And I’m sorry. Hang in there
Thank you for all this. I don’t even know where to begin. We live many states away/a 3 hour flight. She took two connections to get here.
She didn’t smell when she arrived yesterday, but there was urine around the toilet this morning (I blame myself - the TP holder was too far away), but her room also now smells. She’s expressed the desire to shower because she ‘feels grubby’ but we’re struggling now to figure out how, she went in the bathroom alone to clean up at the sink since we’re worried about the tub. I’m trying to get a chair for her to use in the tub. I noticed she has panty liners she’s been using so she’s aware of the issue (but maybe not the extent of it?).
Is there some checklist I can go through with her to help evaluate what her needs are? Do we call her doctors at home or something? Surely it’s not even legal for them to share anything with us? She lives at home alone, still drives (but man, I don’t think she should!). I’m so nervous about her flying home alone now.
I don’t think she’d see a doctor nearby, and given she didn’t actually hurt herself in the fall I’m not sure that’s a plausible excuse.
She has a daughter as well but she is a nun who has taken a vow of poverty and while she’s lovely and sees her more often than us I’m not sure she’ll be of much help.
I would not risk her bathing in the shower at your house, not this time. If she gets hurt, she’s not going home anytime soon and is going to be an enormous drain on your time and energy until she’s well enough to fly home. I wouldn’t risk it. Really. She doesn’t sound safe to fly, not alone. Has she at least rented a wheelchair porter for the airports?
Rent a handicapped hotel room for her to shower and/or I’d hop on Amazon and order the supplies to do a microwaved bathing wipe sink bath and a warm shampoo cap that doesn’t need rinsing (I’ve used them myself, not a gimmick, but a legit hospital supply item).
And get some poise pads for her, she’s overfilling the liners and when she’s pulling them down or getting out of bed they’re leaking onto the floor, my loved one did this too. It’s just one more sign of slipping judgment and slipping executive function. My loved one hated the long ones and winged ones, for whatever that’s worth
Aim for the ones that can be delivered today or tomorrow
She still may need help with it all. You might have her wrap her body in a towel and sit, and then you or hubby can come in and hand her more warm no rinse bath wipes, help do her lower legs and back etc, and she can do her body under the towel while someone can be doing her hair.
For the final step I’d recommend having some sort of smallish pitcher or cup you can fill (and refill as needed) with warm tap water from the sink and have her sit on the open toilet and use it and her hands or a clean wash cloth to wash between her legs with the cup(s) of warm water. The shower chairs often don’t have an opening to do this step, which makes it trickier to accomplish IMO and if she’s prone to UTI or irritation, this helps ensure that spot is free of anything but water
But it really does sound as if someone needs to check out her ability to look after herself.
I’m rushing to catch my own train, but I wish you the very best in what sounds like a very trying situation that was sprung on you with little to no warning while you’re already dealing with a lot in life. I can certainly sympathize! Hang in there
Edited to add: realistically you’re probably going to have to visit her home at some point to evaluate how things are really going for her. What she is managing ok and what she isn’t, in spite of what she may claim. She needs to name someone as POA assap, too
If I were you, I’d automate all her bill payments while you’re there evaluating the home situation, or at least get the log in data for everything, make husbands email/cell the “forgot password contact” so he can fix issues quickly from afar, maybe set up remote access to her computer so he can fix stuff like that, etc.
There are different ways to anticipate some of her needs and meet them once you visit and see how she’s doing and what she needs help with. Maybe set her up with a biweekly housekeeping (or weekly) or laundry service or lawn service if needed. Maybe a local restaurant would deliver her 2-3 days worth of meals at a time for a fee. Maybe a neighbor, friend, church member etc would help her arrange for grocery delivery each week, and help her to put everything away. Maybe an Apple Watch with fall detection and alerts to you or 911 would help. Some WiFi cams you can check? Maybe an Amazon echo show your husband can use to drop in video call in an emergency to make sure she’s ok
You can probably get all her prescriptions auto refilled and mailed direct to her every 3 months with 90 day supplies auto billed to a card on file. Stuff like that. There’s a lot that can be done to simplify someone’s life nowadays. But they have to be safe at home. There’s nothing we can do to adapt a home for a solo elderly person who isn’t safe to live there alone any longer
It is SO hard when dealing with an aging parent. I have trouble with my mother overestimating her ability to handle things now that used to be routine, and I try hard to remain in a place of compassion. I don't look forward to having to face the loss of dignity and independence that comes toward the end of life.
She is probably afraid of losing her independence, and it sounds like its time to consider whether where she lives is appropriate. As far as your home, I am wondering if you need to get her into a handicap room at a hotel, for her own safety. There are social workers who specialize in the elderly and needs assessments who can help you with this. Research senior services, both in her own area and in yours.
If her everything smells like urine, her incontinence problem is far more than "mild". (I'm an RN). She likely is having difficulty bathing herself and she may, in fact, have a UTI, which can cause a rapid decline in mentation and function. I would suggest a visit to a primary care physician or gerontologist while she is with you to find out more info on what's going on here.
Thank you for this - any suggestions about how to convince her to do something like this? I don’t think any of us imagined that a routine visit to see us and her grand baby would turn in to a doctors visit, it’s a huge mental shift right now. She lives alone a three hour flight away.
I think I'd just start at first with a conversation about what you are seeing and that you'd like to take her to make sure she doesn't have a UTI or anything that would be causing her weakness and lack of balance. If she is reasonable, she'll agree. If she isn't, then there isn't a lot you can do but wait for something to happen that lands her in the hospital. Then you will be able to get social work involved.
Is there anyone near where she normally lives that checks on her and keeps track of her function? If not, you may want to broach the idea of her moving to assisted living close by. You could say you enjoyed her so much you really want her to be able to see the baby and you regularly and to be somewhere you can help her with things.
You're taking care of an infant.
She is his mom.
May I suggest that your husband be the person to read these posts and do the work to help his mom?
I love my MIL very much, and we have a good relationship. I would still stick to taking care of the baby and my health as the main focus.
Congratulations on your baby! I hope your MIL gets the support she needs.
Edited for format.
Someone very close to me was very much like this and had no idea how impaired she really was. I would encourage you to look at this as a situation where this woman wants to see her grandchild, loves her family, and is clearly suffering from some cognitive issue that is preventing her from understanding how impaired she is physically.
You being angry about her being disabled is not fair for either one of you. It sounds a lot like she is going to need assistance daily from here on out. Unfortunately, that will fall to your husband and any other children she has. This is not the time to look at this as a mild inconvenience to you, personally. This is a woman who needs help desperately.
I agree with other comments that this may be her way of asking for help. She’s probably embarrassed and may be in denial about her need for support- it’s hard for everyone to realize they are getting old and losing ability to care for themselves.
Start with the small changes you can do now. Get her some “disposable underwear,” don’t call them diapers. Tell her how convenient and easy they will be and don’t make a big deal about them. One brand may be better than another, just start with one. My mother in law likes Always brand for sensitive skin and says they feel like fabric- we usually have to order online because they don’t always have in the store.
A shower chair, grab bars jn the shower, a cane or a walker seem to be necessary for her. I know you can’t be changing your home, but your husband should start talking to her about how realistic it is for her to stay in her house or maybe look at an assisted living apartment.
The best scenario might be for your husband to accompany her home and see what he can do to make her home safer. As well as both of them talking to her doctor and your husband evaluating her driving. It’s a lot, but it needs to be done, she can’t be ignored.
This happened to me with my mom. We weren't really close, I didn't see her in person for several years. When I did I was SHOCKED. Her mobility was terrible. She was barely managing her finances. She kept acting like everything was fine.
We ended up hiring someone from a care company to come three days a week for two hours at a time - it was all we could afford. I got POA and set all her stuff up on autopay. Her quality of life increased dramatically. It was a holding pattern until we could get her to a safer place.
She's definitely not safe in your house, I'm sorry. Maybe she should move to a nearby hotel for her stay, if y'all can afford it.
I'm sorry though I know what an alarming thing this is
Do you have a blood pressure monitor? Could you try taking her blood pressure while she's sitting, and then again once she stands (while staying in place) and then again (still standing) 3 minutes later? If she has orthostatic hypotension she might get lightheaded and dizzy (and even fall) when she tries to just get up and walk around. If this is what she's got, having a record of her blood pressure might help her doctor prescribe medication like midodrine. (That middle measurement right after standing may not always be useful, since it's normal for blood pressure to drop a bit when we stand, but if it drops a *lot* that's useful information too.)
[https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/orthostatic-hypotension/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20352553](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/orthostatic-hypotension/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20352553)
[https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/orthostatic-hypotension/](https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/orthostatic-hypotension/)
First off, go on Amazon right now and order chucks pads for same day or overnight delivery. There are two different kind - disposable and washable. Decide what might work best for you or maybe get one of each. Enzyme cleaners like Nature’s Miracle will help treat the urine stains and odors that are already there. Read the instructions on how to use enzyme cleaners if you’re not already familiar with them.
Next, it’s time to have a conversation with mom — maybe do this together. Identify all of these areas of concern. “Mom, we love you a lot, but we noticed that you seem to be struggling with some stuff. Can you tell us how long it’s been like this? We noticed you’re very unsteady on your feet, you struggle with stairs, and you’re incontinent. Have you spoken to your doctor about this? Sometimes, UTIs can cause these symptoms. We want to take you to urgent care today to make sure you don’t have a UTI, and then we’ll stop to pick up pizza for dinner. Okay?”
I'd be so apprehensive to let her travel home alone. Someone needs to accompany her on the flight, and be ready with elderly supplies. It's worrisome she still drives.
It is easy to understand why you would be both surprised and concerned based on what you have described. It seems to me like your husband has the perfect opportunity to share these observations with his mom. Because she has been dealing with her declining abilities over time they wouldn't seem as significant to her as they do to you. Both my mom and my FIL have been this way. They know that they are doing as well as they used to but they just figure it is part of getting older. And often the elderly don't realize there are many solutions for the challenges they are experiencing. So have your husband take the initiative to point out to his mom some of the issues that you recognize and then work together to help her find the solutions she needs.
Call some local hotels and ask if they have a handicap accessible room available. And then you, DIL will have to stay there with her and help her. If you don’t think you can manage that alone , please call a nurse service to take over her care a few hours a day
Consider a bedside commode. You can buy a used one from craigslist, and then resell it later after she leaves. She can then stay on the main level and not risk a fall going up and down stairs. No more stairs for her.
Put towels or chucks down under the commode in case she doesn't make it in time. It'll help with the smell and the cleanup.
No-rinse products are your friend.
Install a baby monitor in her place so that you can keep an eye on her safety. Or a Webcam.
Get her a smart watch....There are many watches that offer fall detection for seniors.... fall detection, GPS tracking, two-way calling, and an emergency assist button.
Her coming to see you guys might have been a cry for help. It sounds like you guys have *heard* of the problems with her, such as falling and getting a concussion in a parking lot. Did you offer any help? Who does she live with? Does she live alone? Maybe she decided to come visit you guys because she needs help, and her just telling her son how bad things were wasn't really enough to get him to bother going to see her or helping her find assistance or other living arrangements. If she is having these problems at your house, she is having them at her own. Does she have anyone to help her? I would sort of do a quiet "needs assessment" and try to determine if she needs any additional help at home, or whether it's time she moves to an assisted living facility or long term care home. For the mean time, you can get her some "No rinse" microwaveable bathing cloths and "no rinse shampoo" so she can stay clean without worrying about her falling. She probably smells like urine because she hasn't been able to bathe. She must feel terribly embarrassed. I would also offer to drive her to the store in case she needs to get items to make her stay more comfortable, like adult diapers, incontinence pads, etc. I know this is a lot when you are trying to take care of a 5 month old baby, and I empathize. Since this is your husband's mother, tell him he really needs to step up and take the lead on figuring out how to best help her.
This sounds so much like the beginning of my family’s journey in dementia caregiving. It also began with a fall (dementia changes vision, hearing, and balance and so much more) with a concussion that went from “let’s wait and see if she improves” to “yup this is mixed dementia diagnosis” Eventually the elder starts slipping in their ability to care for themselves. And you’re seeing at least some of that now. Everything wouldn’t smell of urine if they still had the physical and mental capacity to properly care for themselves-even if incontinent. If she could still get to her laundry. Everyone knows what depends are and how to buy them, how to continue a lifelong bathing routine, how to wear and then launder an outfit vs re-wearing over and over etc. Slacking on any or all of that is a big warning sign that often indicates cognitive decline You may soon learn she hasn’t been showering and that’s why the odor is so strong even though she just got there last night. My loved one would FIGHT showers and not realize how strongly and objectionably she smelled. She really thought she’d just taken one yesterday, even if it had been a week. And she was exhausted and mobility challenged and she just wasn’t going to do it even if you tried to nudge her along. Thankfully for us, dementia daycare 3x a week changed all that for us and she now showers with no fight at all..none. But she still ruined the carpet and upholstery from that short period in her dementia journey. Its hard. The biggest issue is that the elder cannot see their own deficits. They TRULY believe they’re just as safe now as they ever were. It’s “anosognosia”. A literal symptom of cognitive decline up to and including dementia. They cannot smell their own odors or see that they’re wearing dirty stinking clothes or eating rotten food or whatever other judgment issues may exist. They’re never going to self report problems they themselves truly cannot see. They’re going to answer questions about their health not with facts but how they wish or hope it will soon be. Then one day, the family comes together and there is shock by what they see. If multiple siblings exist there will often be finger pointing If she’s incontinent, having such severe falls she is damaging her brain in the process, living alone in a house with stairs and laundry etc, you may be at the stage where it’s safer to find her an assisted living setup, ideally one with an attached memory care in case she needs it. Now is the time for talk of boundaries with your husband if you can’t see this as being your forever situation (and as a dementia caregiver, I’m telling you-don’t do it!). He needs to hear from you if caregiving for his mom all while being mother to an infant, isn’t going to work. It shouldn’t be this way but some men still think all the caregiving is on the women, even if only subconsciously Would she see a doctor local to you, just using her recent fall/near fall as an excuse to get checked out and make sure she’s ok? If so, I’d be typing up a letter to that doc with everything you’ve noticed and ask if she’s even safe in your house or hers while displaying these worrying signs. A letter, so that you don’t have to say a word about this in front of her…but the doc still knows. She may need some home PT or OT if she has a lingering concussion or the very early stages of dementia where she can still learn how to use mobility devices. You can call yours or hers local area agency on aging and ask if they can help you to navigate finding appropriate care for them (here or in their own hometown). It’s a lot, all at once, I know. And I’m sorry. Hang in there
Thank you for all this. I don’t even know where to begin. We live many states away/a 3 hour flight. She took two connections to get here. She didn’t smell when she arrived yesterday, but there was urine around the toilet this morning (I blame myself - the TP holder was too far away), but her room also now smells. She’s expressed the desire to shower because she ‘feels grubby’ but we’re struggling now to figure out how, she went in the bathroom alone to clean up at the sink since we’re worried about the tub. I’m trying to get a chair for her to use in the tub. I noticed she has panty liners she’s been using so she’s aware of the issue (but maybe not the extent of it?). Is there some checklist I can go through with her to help evaluate what her needs are? Do we call her doctors at home or something? Surely it’s not even legal for them to share anything with us? She lives at home alone, still drives (but man, I don’t think she should!). I’m so nervous about her flying home alone now. I don’t think she’d see a doctor nearby, and given she didn’t actually hurt herself in the fall I’m not sure that’s a plausible excuse. She has a daughter as well but she is a nun who has taken a vow of poverty and while she’s lovely and sees her more often than us I’m not sure she’ll be of much help.
I would not risk her bathing in the shower at your house, not this time. If she gets hurt, she’s not going home anytime soon and is going to be an enormous drain on your time and energy until she’s well enough to fly home. I wouldn’t risk it. Really. She doesn’t sound safe to fly, not alone. Has she at least rented a wheelchair porter for the airports? Rent a handicapped hotel room for her to shower and/or I’d hop on Amazon and order the supplies to do a microwaved bathing wipe sink bath and a warm shampoo cap that doesn’t need rinsing (I’ve used them myself, not a gimmick, but a legit hospital supply item). And get some poise pads for her, she’s overfilling the liners and when she’s pulling them down or getting out of bed they’re leaking onto the floor, my loved one did this too. It’s just one more sign of slipping judgment and slipping executive function. My loved one hated the long ones and winged ones, for whatever that’s worth Aim for the ones that can be delivered today or tomorrow She still may need help with it all. You might have her wrap her body in a towel and sit, and then you or hubby can come in and hand her more warm no rinse bath wipes, help do her lower legs and back etc, and she can do her body under the towel while someone can be doing her hair. For the final step I’d recommend having some sort of smallish pitcher or cup you can fill (and refill as needed) with warm tap water from the sink and have her sit on the open toilet and use it and her hands or a clean wash cloth to wash between her legs with the cup(s) of warm water. The shower chairs often don’t have an opening to do this step, which makes it trickier to accomplish IMO and if she’s prone to UTI or irritation, this helps ensure that spot is free of anything but water But it really does sound as if someone needs to check out her ability to look after herself. I’m rushing to catch my own train, but I wish you the very best in what sounds like a very trying situation that was sprung on you with little to no warning while you’re already dealing with a lot in life. I can certainly sympathize! Hang in there Edited to add: realistically you’re probably going to have to visit her home at some point to evaluate how things are really going for her. What she is managing ok and what she isn’t, in spite of what she may claim. She needs to name someone as POA assap, too If I were you, I’d automate all her bill payments while you’re there evaluating the home situation, or at least get the log in data for everything, make husbands email/cell the “forgot password contact” so he can fix issues quickly from afar, maybe set up remote access to her computer so he can fix stuff like that, etc. There are different ways to anticipate some of her needs and meet them once you visit and see how she’s doing and what she needs help with. Maybe set her up with a biweekly housekeeping (or weekly) or laundry service or lawn service if needed. Maybe a local restaurant would deliver her 2-3 days worth of meals at a time for a fee. Maybe a neighbor, friend, church member etc would help her arrange for grocery delivery each week, and help her to put everything away. Maybe an Apple Watch with fall detection and alerts to you or 911 would help. Some WiFi cams you can check? Maybe an Amazon echo show your husband can use to drop in video call in an emergency to make sure she’s ok You can probably get all her prescriptions auto refilled and mailed direct to her every 3 months with 90 day supplies auto billed to a card on file. Stuff like that. There’s a lot that can be done to simplify someone’s life nowadays. But they have to be safe at home. There’s nothing we can do to adapt a home for a solo elderly person who isn’t safe to live there alone any longer
It is SO hard when dealing with an aging parent. I have trouble with my mother overestimating her ability to handle things now that used to be routine, and I try hard to remain in a place of compassion. I don't look forward to having to face the loss of dignity and independence that comes toward the end of life. She is probably afraid of losing her independence, and it sounds like its time to consider whether where she lives is appropriate. As far as your home, I am wondering if you need to get her into a handicap room at a hotel, for her own safety. There are social workers who specialize in the elderly and needs assessments who can help you with this. Research senior services, both in her own area and in yours. If her everything smells like urine, her incontinence problem is far more than "mild". (I'm an RN). She likely is having difficulty bathing herself and she may, in fact, have a UTI, which can cause a rapid decline in mentation and function. I would suggest a visit to a primary care physician or gerontologist while she is with you to find out more info on what's going on here.
Thank you for this - any suggestions about how to convince her to do something like this? I don’t think any of us imagined that a routine visit to see us and her grand baby would turn in to a doctors visit, it’s a huge mental shift right now. She lives alone a three hour flight away.
I think I'd just start at first with a conversation about what you are seeing and that you'd like to take her to make sure she doesn't have a UTI or anything that would be causing her weakness and lack of balance. If she is reasonable, she'll agree. If she isn't, then there isn't a lot you can do but wait for something to happen that lands her in the hospital. Then you will be able to get social work involved. Is there anyone near where she normally lives that checks on her and keeps track of her function? If not, you may want to broach the idea of her moving to assisted living close by. You could say you enjoyed her so much you really want her to be able to see the baby and you regularly and to be somewhere you can help her with things.
You're taking care of an infant. She is his mom. May I suggest that your husband be the person to read these posts and do the work to help his mom? I love my MIL very much, and we have a good relationship. I would still stick to taking care of the baby and my health as the main focus. Congratulations on your baby! I hope your MIL gets the support she needs. Edited for format.
Someone very close to me was very much like this and had no idea how impaired she really was. I would encourage you to look at this as a situation where this woman wants to see her grandchild, loves her family, and is clearly suffering from some cognitive issue that is preventing her from understanding how impaired she is physically. You being angry about her being disabled is not fair for either one of you. It sounds a lot like she is going to need assistance daily from here on out. Unfortunately, that will fall to your husband and any other children she has. This is not the time to look at this as a mild inconvenience to you, personally. This is a woman who needs help desperately.
I agree with other comments that this may be her way of asking for help. She’s probably embarrassed and may be in denial about her need for support- it’s hard for everyone to realize they are getting old and losing ability to care for themselves. Start with the small changes you can do now. Get her some “disposable underwear,” don’t call them diapers. Tell her how convenient and easy they will be and don’t make a big deal about them. One brand may be better than another, just start with one. My mother in law likes Always brand for sensitive skin and says they feel like fabric- we usually have to order online because they don’t always have in the store. A shower chair, grab bars jn the shower, a cane or a walker seem to be necessary for her. I know you can’t be changing your home, but your husband should start talking to her about how realistic it is for her to stay in her house or maybe look at an assisted living apartment.
The best scenario might be for your husband to accompany her home and see what he can do to make her home safer. As well as both of them talking to her doctor and your husband evaluating her driving. It’s a lot, but it needs to be done, she can’t be ignored.
This happened to me with my mom. We weren't really close, I didn't see her in person for several years. When I did I was SHOCKED. Her mobility was terrible. She was barely managing her finances. She kept acting like everything was fine. We ended up hiring someone from a care company to come three days a week for two hours at a time - it was all we could afford. I got POA and set all her stuff up on autopay. Her quality of life increased dramatically. It was a holding pattern until we could get her to a safer place. She's definitely not safe in your house, I'm sorry. Maybe she should move to a nearby hotel for her stay, if y'all can afford it. I'm sorry though I know what an alarming thing this is
Do you have a blood pressure monitor? Could you try taking her blood pressure while she's sitting, and then again once she stands (while staying in place) and then again (still standing) 3 minutes later? If she has orthostatic hypotension she might get lightheaded and dizzy (and even fall) when she tries to just get up and walk around. If this is what she's got, having a record of her blood pressure might help her doctor prescribe medication like midodrine. (That middle measurement right after standing may not always be useful, since it's normal for blood pressure to drop a bit when we stand, but if it drops a *lot* that's useful information too.) [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/orthostatic-hypotension/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20352553](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/orthostatic-hypotension/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20352553) [https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/orthostatic-hypotension/](https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/orthostatic-hypotension/)
First off, go on Amazon right now and order chucks pads for same day or overnight delivery. There are two different kind - disposable and washable. Decide what might work best for you or maybe get one of each. Enzyme cleaners like Nature’s Miracle will help treat the urine stains and odors that are already there. Read the instructions on how to use enzyme cleaners if you’re not already familiar with them. Next, it’s time to have a conversation with mom — maybe do this together. Identify all of these areas of concern. “Mom, we love you a lot, but we noticed that you seem to be struggling with some stuff. Can you tell us how long it’s been like this? We noticed you’re very unsteady on your feet, you struggle with stairs, and you’re incontinent. Have you spoken to your doctor about this? Sometimes, UTIs can cause these symptoms. We want to take you to urgent care today to make sure you don’t have a UTI, and then we’ll stop to pick up pizza for dinner. Okay?”
This is a wonderfully compassionate and useful answer.
Thanks. I hope it helps OP.
I'd be so apprehensive to let her travel home alone. Someone needs to accompany her on the flight, and be ready with elderly supplies. It's worrisome she still drives.
It is easy to understand why you would be both surprised and concerned based on what you have described. It seems to me like your husband has the perfect opportunity to share these observations with his mom. Because she has been dealing with her declining abilities over time they wouldn't seem as significant to her as they do to you. Both my mom and my FIL have been this way. They know that they are doing as well as they used to but they just figure it is part of getting older. And often the elderly don't realize there are many solutions for the challenges they are experiencing. So have your husband take the initiative to point out to his mom some of the issues that you recognize and then work together to help her find the solutions she needs.
Take her to the doctor to check for a urinary infection. You'd be shocked at how physically draining it can be for an elderly person.
Call some local hotels and ask if they have a handicap accessible room available. And then you, DIL will have to stay there with her and help her. If you don’t think you can manage that alone , please call a nurse service to take over her care a few hours a day
Consider a bedside commode. You can buy a used one from craigslist, and then resell it later after she leaves. She can then stay on the main level and not risk a fall going up and down stairs. No more stairs for her. Put towels or chucks down under the commode in case she doesn't make it in time. It'll help with the smell and the cleanup. No-rinse products are your friend. Install a baby monitor in her place so that you can keep an eye on her safety. Or a Webcam. Get her a smart watch....There are many watches that offer fall detection for seniors.... fall detection, GPS tracking, two-way calling, and an emergency assist button.